Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

Susan...prayers that your Daniel is well and resting from his surgery. Holding you all close as you travel this road with him back to health. LORA: I am sorry they made a mistake with the proof of Cara's stone...it is a delicate procedure for you...memories and love carry you through it, but bumps in the road cause more than just a hiccup. I hope all is well with it the next time you see the proof. I too take a lot of meds for allergies, and this spring seems to be starting out rather feisty in the allergy department. BECKY I am truly sorry that DelDOT did not see it clear to change the speed limit to 35 mph. Yes, I agree, changing it to 45 seems almost pointless, and their contacting Maryland DOT to bring them UP to 45 from their change to 40 must feel like a slap in the face. I hope that Maryland tells DelDOT that they need to change their thinking and come DOWN to what they decided in Maryland. I can't believe that they are being so blind about this need. MIKE's DAD : I love the ring you chose, and I know she will love your giving it to her. I agree, life is much too short to hold back when you are feeling the need to do something important. Mike is right by you as you take this next step in your life. I had told you all that I had a very hard time over the past week, with our 49th wedding anniversary....it was so much worse than I had even feared it would be. Things weren't much better as the days since have gone by, but I think the increase that the doctor prescribed with my medication, along with a good, lengthy visit with my therapist has helped to smooth out the road a bit this last day or so. Today, I picked Damon up after school and headed out to Dairy Queen for a treat of an ice cream cone, on our way to Barnes & Noble to pick out a book for him. I was thinking to myself out loud, but quietly, (while Damon was engrossed in reading his Harry Potter, book) because I am not sure how far Sarah has gone with Damon in explaining "where" his papa and daddy are, and whether or not she has addressed the issue that they are together, and I don't want to push my boundaries without asking her first. My "out loud" but quiet, talking to myself brought the same thought to mind that I had been "thinking out loud" of earlier in the morning, when I was walking Lucy...I was asking "are they together? If only we could know that for sure." (Of course, I know that indeed it is "not ours to know for sure," as that is where our faith comes in, but I am sure you all know how our mind wanders, especially those times when, for whatever reason, we are feeling our loss more so than at other times.) The last time I asked that question, I was also walking Lucy and it had just snowed. I asked it out loud on my walk, and as I finished my question, looked down and saw two little heart shapes, side by side in the snow, by my foot. This time, in the car with Damon, after I had said that, I turned on the cd that I had in the car, the one where I have the recording of my husband's songs...instead of the cd beginning to play, though, the radio came on...I never listen to the radio, but Davis was in the car with me the other day and wanted to check the basketball news on the sports channel. What I heard when I turned the radio on was an announcer talking with his co-announcer about a morning sports show, and he was saying, "Well, Mike and Michael, Michael and Mike, either way you say it, they are both there together, every morning." Sooooooooo, I feel led to think that indeed my own "Mike and Michael, or Michael and Mike, however you want to say it, are there, together, every morning.". Yesterday, in the mail, I received the license plate frame I had ordered....a stainless steel frame with "Mike" and his dates, and "Michael" and his dates, laser-printed on the bottom of it, along with "I Will Remember You" engraved across the top of the frame. I was looking forward to going home and putting it on the car. Damon and I drove on to Barnes and Noble, ice cream in hand. When we came out of the store, there was a fine, red punch buggy parked there, right next to my car, Damon thought that was "pretty cool." So did I.

[ericasmom]

Have not been able to get on today, too busy with so many things, but hanging with Jonathan and Baby Girl was great and took me till now so I am off to bed. I am thinking of you all, Susan, prayers continue for full healing for your Husband. Lora, disappointment in the stone I know, but eventually it will be done correctly. Carol, together for sure, it sure is clear. And Becky, while it seems hardly a difference to move it from 50 to 45...it is change, it does show willingness to make change, and I do believe that the tiny crack of change can be wedged open over time to create more change. You worked hard and there is some change and I am proud of your hard work.

Mike's Dad, what a pretty ring. So glad that things are better, prayers for you as well.

[ericasmom]

Apparently, I should reread my posts before posting...the word change was used too many times and due to my half open eyes last night, I did not check my words. Becky, I also feel like I made it sound like it was not a big deal and that is not my intention. What I mean is this: you worked so hard, to get any change from the ROADS people is an amazing feat. You started the process, it has not been done prior to you, awareness takes time, your working through bueraocratic agencies and you got something done, we are all very proud of you in moving them off their mark.

[dsmurph]

Laurie,

Jesse's Memorial is beautiful!!!

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Laurie,

Jesse's Memorial is beautiful!!!

Thank you, it will be placed out by his site sometime around Memorial day. I also posted it for Lora who was having some difficulty with Cara's memorial design. Hopefully they get it resolved quickly.

[tobyfreefoot]

becky--i don't do disappointment well so my heart truly goes out to you. i know you must be crushed. the fact they did change it a bit as dee mentioned is actually pretty remarkable but at the same time i was stunned and disappointed for you that after all your hard work they couldn't understand the situation.

laurie--jesse's monument is lovely. i guess our boys were about the same age mine was born in 1983 and died 2011. forest was born a year before and got to heaven in time to be there to greet jesse.

lora--hope they get everything right next go round. i ran into delay after delay. forest's was a long venture made doubly so because everything under the sun went wrong.

carol--you always give me hope and lift our hearts, even in the midst of your sorrow. thanks

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

becky--i don't do disappointment well so my heart truly goes out to you. i know you must be crushed. the fact they did change it a bit as dee mentioned is actually pretty remarkable but at the same time i was stunned and disappointed for you that after all your hard work they couldn't understand the situation.

laurie--jesse's monument is lovely. i guess our boys were about the same age mine was born in 1983 and died 2011. forest was born a year before and got to heaven in time to be there to greet jesse.

lora--hope they get everything right next go round. i ran into delay after delay. forest's was a long venture made doubly so because everything under the sun went wrong.

carol--you always give me hope and lift our hearts, even in the midst of your sorrow. thanks

Yes, I see that your son, Forest wasn't much older than Jesse. I try and imagine what heaven is like for them right now. I have read and looked at many stories regarding this and what NDER's report is the overwhelming love of God and total acceptance. You are finally really home.

(I had to come back to this post and finish. I burnt my potato soup. UGH!)

[daveydow1]

Susan-----Thoughts & prayers for your husband's recovery from heart surgery.

Becky----I can, so, understand your disappointment with the DELDOT only

lowering the speed limit on your road by 5 mph. You have worked so very

diligently and put so much effort into your quest for a safer road speed.

It is disheartening, I know. Peace to you, friend.

Hi to all my friends on BI.

WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT FOR ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[shorty16]

Hello my friends

Just stop by to say hi..

Raining and cold outside. Dinner and a movie...at home.

Thinking of everyone here as we walk on this road. Together.

Colleen Brian's Mom 4ever

[ericasmom]

Peace to all this evening. Our weather is like yours today Col, quite chilly and damp. Went to a retirement party for two of our staff this afternoon. It was nice, festive. I am pooped and ready for bed so I am wishing everyone deep restorative sleep and that some have dream visits tonight.

[Guest]

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[mikesmomrs]

GRETCHEN:...so sweet of Forest's friend..I know it does leave a pleasant feeling in your heart when others remember. A friend my husband worked with went to visit and left a flower and a sand dollar...sweet of her. I hear from her now and again. Sadly, her own dad died suddenly, shortly after my husband died, and she has had a hard time adjusting. She and my husband worked together and she was like another daughter to him. She had come to visit both of us the Easter before he died, but she did not realize how serious his illness was and was quite shocked when he died so soon...at the time of her visit, he was predicted to have another year or two. LAURIE: Don't remember if I mentioned it before, but I too loved Jesse's memorial. Our stone for young Mike is a flat stone...we put in a bench, so could only have the flat stone in front of it. I sometimes wish we'd done the regular stone, but it is nice to have the bench there when I go to visit. I have to plan out a stone for my husband and myself. Just don't have it in me yet. It will also have to be a flat stone. There is a stone up there for him, it is the Military memorial stone...I had it done in bronze and it is quite nice. But I will have one done with both of our names on it, eventually. LORA: I am sorry that Jared won't be there to mark Cara's first year mark. I understand your concern that he might be avoiding it, but as you said, it seems that was the only time he could be in Chicago. SUSAN: I hope your hubby is feeling better and gaining strength. Does he have to do physical therapy rehab? I know here they always do that when there has been heart surgery. Prayers for him to regain his strength soon. DEE: I hope you get to spend time with beautiful baby girl Erica this weekend. Do they call her "Erica" or do they have a pet name they call her? You must be looking forward to the summer break...do you have your usual, or new, activities planned? I suppose John is just as enamored of her as you are...I can just picture him holding her and her almost disappearing in his arms. KATE: Holding you and your husband close in thought and prayers. I hope you both have been able to get out and enjoy some sunshine and the weather there is warming up. Still can't do paragraphs here, very frustrating. I think Eric is working on it. I wanted to share this picture of Lucy...have you ever seen a dog who stands on their tippy toes before? And she's got her front paws "hooked" over the top of the door window... too cute! She definitely provides me good company! I know this puppy has been a gift...Ralph would have just loved her...she has every trait he loved in dogs.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Yes, I agree with Lora, I love Carol's stories. And I love the pictures that people post on here, where we can share about our loved one in a setting that is safe and accepting.

I do not know where I would go to process some of these deep seated emotions from this horrible, paralyzing grief.

So thanks to y'all here for being there and walking the journey with me.

I have found that many, even well-meaning friends, are too quick to give advice, offer direction, or tell me in my case that I should just passively sit on by and not actively pursue justice for the inattentive driver that hit Jesse. This well-intentioned person really thinks justice is just going to happen, well it doesn't for too many victims. I know if it were their child, they would not say such foolish things. (This call just happened last night). In my sister's case (Julie - age 42) who got ran over as a pedestrian in 2002, the first driver who ran her over first was never charged, this driver ran from the scene and never showed up for two weeks. My parents received nothing, the driver was never charged, and we had to absorb all the financial expenses of my sister's death.

Others don't seem to understand you need to weep with those who weep and walk in their path for awhile, (not just a 10 minute quick phone call) to be of any healing for that family. To listen first, to understand in the soul the grieving mom or dad. I am praying for patience today.

[ericasmom]

Lora, Erica looks like both of her parents, it is in her grimaces and smiles that I see specific features of my kids and specific features of Shan. Lovely mix of them both. She smiled the other day, I do believe in a social way. I am thrilled. I will spoil her as much as I am able but I do feel it is the other way around; her presence spoils me.

Carol, I will have many activities and clean up before our last day which is very early this year, May 31. I am tired physically but not ready to give this group up to the summer yet. I hate saying good bye to my group and I have had a wonderful year wtih them. Another of my students however, was diagnosed with Diabetes the other day, total shock to us all. I have two now in my class with Type 1 diabetes. This will be hard on him and his family but I know that he can learn what he needs to take good care of himself.

Well, going back out to be in the yard with the garden man, husband.

[Mermaid Tears]

Update.....the Dr. is so pleased with the surgery and Daniel's positive recovery...he is still in ICU....but all is going well....I have my Dr. son by my side...and he tells me that Daniel is doing above average....he may go into a private room this evening or tomorrow morning...and yes...the recovery period following an open heart quadruple by pass is a 'long road of healing' but it is 'do-able'.....thank you for all your prayers and words of support....I am tired..but a 'good' tired....God is Good...All is Well...

[ericasmom]

Susan, how wonderful that Daniel is responding so well. I will continue to send prayers and hope your way and hope for you to get some solid sleep too. Hugs.

Laurie, those well-meaning friends simply have no clue as to how to be part of our lives beyond those ten minute calls when we lose a child. It is as though they see how much we change and don't have much to connect with us about for a while. There are a few friends that did hang in and listen and asked questions that many shy away from. Those are the friends I am still close to nearly 10 years down the road.

I too love when someone leaves a trinket of some sort at Eri's gravesite. I love knowing she has visits with friends. I love too, knowing that she visits them, still getting stories from the Girls about times when they KNOW she is in the room. Love that.

[Sholl1955]

Hello to all. I hope you all are enjoying nice weather. It has been beautiful here in Indiana. Yesterday was a hard day, missing Sarah so. I think it was because I took off work a few hours early to spend some time for me ( at my boss's suggestion since I have been working alot of hours) In the past if I was off work early many times I would call Sarah and we would do something fun together. I miss the special impromptu times. Everywhere I went there was a memory. I love the memories but so miss the girl. No, Dee, Rachel is still far away emotionally, in fact I believe it is worse. So hard. I just have to trust one day we will be close again.

I am blessed that I have my little girls to keep me grounded (and busy:-) They have been needing alot of extra loving and want to spend time with me in our apartment. It seems that we spend alot of time in my bedroom and they "camp out alot" So today I cleaned and rearranged to make more room for us to play in. Maddie gave me a big laugh. She is six. She wanted to wear her robe because she was cold, so she put it on. About 1/2 hour later she said. "Mimi you HAVE to help me take this off NOW!" I told her she could take it off and she said " No I tied it double and I have to get it off NOW!" I untied it and she pulled it off and very dramatically said "Oh Mimi I am having a HOTFLASH!!!" HA! This poor little thing has definitly spent too much time around this menopausal Mimi! We both laughed so hard and I KNOW her mama was laughing too. As I said I know I am blessed.

Have a peaceful night.

Sandy

[tobyfreefoot]

sandy--loved your hot flash story!!!

[ericasmom]

Sandy, wonderful story indeed. How very healing for you Girls to have this time together -to find your way through each others hearts. I am sorry about Rachel but she will have to navigate herself as she is not asking for help at this time.

This morning the news here indicated that a young man, age 20, was killed upon returning to this town from college yesterday. He and four friends were coming home from Indiana when the tire blew and the car flipped. Those wearing seatbelts were fine, injured but not life threatening. The River Forest Boy/Man however, was thrown and died and another not wearing his belt, was thrown and is in very critical condition. Prayer for these families and friends of those gone and those injured. We know all too well the path that lay ahead.

[Jeff's Mom]

Sandy, your story of the hotflash was terrific. I am thinking of everyone on a daily basis and wish you all the very best. I may not be able to post much over the next while. I would ask you to please keep my husband in your prayers. He will be starting a strong course of chemo for a six month period beginning this week. He is in the last of the third stage of colon cancer. It has spread to the lymph nodes and through the colon wall. He will have three days of chemo every other week for six months. Yesterday I picked up the meds for breakthrough nausea, etc. So very overwhelming. I am his only caregiver and as he will also have a chemo pump for two days at home every two weeks as well as the hospital stint.... it is going to be hectic. Sending love and positive wishes to you all for a better tomorrow. And one last word of advice...to anyone that has had a colonoscopy recommended by their doctor...well, just do it! It could just perhaps save your life. There is nothing to fear. It is a painless procedure as they put you to sleep. Also, regarding depression (my son's illness) please when you see someone being put down by others if they suffer from it...SPEAK UP! Let others know it is something that they can not control without help. It is a very real illness. Thanks.

[Sholl1955]

Kate I am so very sorry about your husband. I know how very hard the days ahead are going to be for you as your hubby's only caregiver having gone through that with Sarah. Please try to take care of yourself, even if it is in very small increments. I learned that I should have accepted help when people asked me what they could do to help. I didn't know what to tell them, and I felt it was my responsibility and my child. I am that way even now being the caregiver for my husband but it takes a huge toll. There were even times that I should have asked for help with even small things, as nothing is really small when you are the caregiver 24/7. I am trying to do better but know I have a long way to go. I remember with Sarah, people would say "Surely you have a half hour you can do something for yourself" The sad part I didn't. The one thing I think I would do different is to ask someone to come and visit for an hour so that I knew she had someone with her, and I would get away. Even a short break helps when you are under such stress. I am sure you have heard someone say "If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of him" I heard that alot and could see no way to be able to care for me. But it is true it does affect us. We are not made to do it all. Like I said dear Kate, I am still not doing the best job of this, but am trying. We will try together. My heart and prayers are with you and your hubby.

Sandy

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you Sandy. I appreciate your support and kind words. The frustrating thing for me is to know that his pride perhaps has cost him his life. That is why I am speaking up so openly and forcefully about having a regular colonoscopy if deemed needed by your family doc. Also, as far as depression...if those that suffer can feel as if it is more understood then they will feel free to openly admit it and then get the help that they need to conquer or keep it under control. There should not be shame attached to it. Education is what is needed. If each person that agrees with me finds themselves in a position to defend this illness then maybe we can go a long way to saving lives. Love to all, Kate

[ericasmom]

Thank you Sandy and Kate, wise words for those that really know what it is to be the caregiver in times of great stress. I appreciate your sharing your knowledge and hearts in this way. I have a great niece, 15 years old Kate, who is quite depressed and I am hoping like heck that she will be able to accept help, right now she is refusing. This is a dangerous time at this age and with trying to shut herself away from others...prayers please. On the other hand, there is a woman who is a friend of one of my students moms and she asks that people plant sunflowers, the symbol for happiness to combat depression. SHe has a non-profit that has to do with trying to aide those with depression. She has developed light bulbs with specific kinds of light to try to assist in one aspect of depression. It is a real illness, it is not something you can just snap out of, it is layered and it is deep and it takes a lot of help to come out the other side. The more we learn, the stronger we can become in spotting and helping with this destructive disease.

It is gorgeous outside today, extra pollen in the air from the seed coats coming off the trees, but I cannot stay in but to write to you guys, Going back out to plant the window boxes.

I took a morning walk with my princess today, what an absolutely magical way to start the day.

[ericasmom]

Very quiet here today, just going to bed and I will post a photo of the sunset a few days ago. So pretty.

I wish Everyone here good deep sleep.

[tobyfreefoot]

sandy and kate i am so sorry to hear of your struggles on top of your grief. it must seem too much to stand up under many days. when someone asks if there is anything they can do they probably do want to help but don't know how so if you tell them something specific like--could you clean my bathroom, visit with my husband while i soak in the tub etc. they will probably gladly step up and do that one little thing and even that will give you a little relief.

i can vouch for depression. i have been depressed most of my life for what appeared to be no reason. i started taking an antidepressant about 18 years ago and it made a huge difference in my life. it seems most of it was chemical but now with forest's death an additional medication (which also treats my fibromyalgia) has been added to the mix and i guess i am doing ok but i don't think i will ever get that pure joy back ever again because it just isn't possible due to what has happened. it seems some depression is from circumstances and some chemical or a little of both but either way it is hard to live with in yourself but i think it may be harder when it is in someone else because we feel powerless to fix it. it is so frightening and unfortunately some people hide it well as i believe jeff did. my son marshall has always been my happiest kid and about 6 mos before his brother died he burst into tears and said he thought about blowing his brains out all the time. i never would have guessed. i worry about him now. he just turned twenty and pretty much refuses to grieve the death of his favorite family member. i have know several people who committed suicide. depression is no joke and people can't just snap out of it.

[daveydow1]

Lora----Yes....it sure is nice to see some sunshine, isn't it? I have

done laundry and hung it out on the clothesline to dry. So nice.

It sure helps when the weather turns more like spring and all the

flowers and blossoms bloom.

Kate----Sending prayers for you and your husband. I pray that

he responds to the cancer treatments.

Susan---

Good to hear that Daniel's condition is improving.

Gretchen-----

So understandable that you worry about your son

and his grief over Forest's death. Siblings very often have their

own way of grieving, and I guess that they may not always express

their feelings for fear of upsetting their parents. Sending prayers.

Dee----

So sorry to hear of the terrible accident that took the life

of the college student, and injured others. Things happen so suddenly,

that they had no way to react with the car. Thoughts & prayers for

their families........such a tragic thing to happen.

WISHING PEACE AND STRENGTH TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Carol-----Forgot to post that your pic of your little dog, Lucy,

is so very cute...looking out the window. Pets are such a

comfort, aren't they?

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you all for your concerns and well wishes as I struggle to come to terms with the disappointment over what the officials at DelDOT decided in regard to the speed limit here. It was just such a let down, and I am still feeling it. I think that combined with the approaching Mother's Day, which will be my 2nd since losing my baby boy, is really working on me.

I just wrote to the head of DelDOT, and put all my feelings out there for him to know. The representatives are the ones that met with him, and I have to believe they argued all the points, but it makes me feel better, knowing before they come and change anything that I took one last opportunity to express what seems to make perfect sense to everyone else but them.

There will not be another opportunity as long as this man is in charge. He has decided, and there is no higher authority.

You are right, Dee, it was a nearly impossible challenge, but somehow I had hoped that if there were any justice, any balance at all, that maybe they would at least lower it by 10mph. They could not know what a blow this has been to me, so I made sure they did!

I probably won't get a response, as I am just a lowly taxpayer....

[mysonrich]

Stephen, on your anniversary we look up and remember . Little Victories. Betty, thinking of you and your handsome son . A measure of peace in hope for you today. Stephen, if my PC ran half as fast as your car this greeting would have been up a long time ago. :-) ( it's not bad really. I just have 10 k things running at once) Hope you don't mind that I borrowed a picture Betty.

[Guest]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Mysonrich - What a handsome son! I noticed that he is actually around the same age as my youngest son, Thomas. I am sorry that you lost such a beautiful son.

Kate - Praying for your husband and for you to have strength to carry on.

Susan - how is your husband doing?

Gretchen - Totally understand the depression thing. Some days I hide at home because I just can't face anyone.

Carol, hope you are carrying on. It must be difficult for you... your Mike's are watching over you...

Dee have a good night

Just thinking of everyone on this forum and how your stories have helped me along the way. May you all find rest and peace tonight..

[ericasmom]

Becky, so good to see you post today. I have been very busy with school stuff so I was unable to even take a look today, and then went to see one of my favorite authors speak at the unitarian church. SHe is Isabele Allende'. I told her while she autographed my book, that I came to her through her Daughter Paula, who died, and through my need for a book to guide me through the grief in losing Erica. She said, Oh, how long ago. I told her. She and I had a moment, and then I left as there were so many behind me to be signed, but I wished I could have stayed and hung out with her. So her book, Paula is about her Daughter's illness and subsequent death. THe Sum of Our Days, is the book she wrote to tell Paula how they were all doing ten years later. In between these two books and prior to Paula, Isabel has written so many other novels and memoirs. Amazing woman, amazing.

And Becky, it is in that strength that I see images of you, and the others here, the strength of us in our grief and in our fights and in our peaceful moments. It is great strength that gets us to this day, never doubt that.

I am glad you let them have it in your letter, but still know we are all duly impressed that you got the change to happen, small steps lead us to bigger steps later on.

Hi all, may the night be good and peaceful

[hotrod]

Dear Sweet Betsy and all my Indigo friends,

Thank you so much for honoring Stephen on this the 6th anniversary of his passing. I came here one year after Stephen passed complaining that I had health issues, needed to stop smoking and needed surgery and all I could do was sit and stare or cry. Your support, kindness, compassion empathy, stories, pictures all helped me one day at a time to move fore ward inch by inch. I always come back for the support and warmth that I found here

Betsy I agree Rich certainly is a handsome young man, as are all the young men and women who are honored on this site. It does certainly appear that:

God broke our hearts to prove he Only takes the Best"

I have not been able to keep up will all the new Indigos but believe me you are in my thoughts as well as, Dee, Sherry, Leah, Colleen, Kate, Carol, Kara, Lorri, Claudia, Marcia, Summergirl, Karen,Lora

Thank you for all the love that you share here each and every day

[shorty16]

Betsy,

Hard to believe it has been 6 years since you saw his face, Other times it seems like it just happened. Time is different now. Just know we say his name

Stephen

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Posted to honor Stephen this day:

[ericasmom]

STEPHEN Sweet Man,

I know that you are tucked safely in the heart of your Mom, our dear Friend, Betty. What a great love you share, what a great bond. And while you left early, you remain as the first thought of each day for your Mom, and the closing thought each night. She takes you everywhere just as you take her.

Six years is along time Betty, but we knew that it would be when we realized that one day is a long time without our Child. I will always think of you and feel kinship.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Stephen, Stephen, Stephen!!

My thoughts are with you today, Betty. You are the first person that wrote to me when I first came and wasn't sure where I was supposed to be... Thank you!

[Mike's dad]

Friday night went well, she said yes! I gave her the ring and she just cried and cried, it was so wonderful.

I'm here in my hotel now, I hung out with Mikey's buddy all day. It's been pretty happy, I think he likes having someone to talk to. He lives in a group home, but the other guys are afraid of him.

I was given some information today that breaks my heart. My son's friend is considered the most dangerous resident in the home, because he's trained. He very seldom talks to anyone, he has been known to attack people who look middle eastern, and one of the workers has to be protected around him because of his ethnicity...

When I asked if his family visits, the woman just shook her head no. I'm one of probably three people to see him in a year...

[mikesmomrs]

Mike's dad...so very, very happy for you both. Very sorry to hear about the situation of the young friend you are visiting...I don't know the whole story, but I commend you for taking the time to visit with him.

[mikesmomrs]

BETTY...so sorry this is late...I did post on FB, but also wanted to post here...I hope that your sweet Stephen surrounds you with his spirit, letting you know he is still about you, always. Love to you, dear lady.

[Mike's dad]

Mike's dad...so very, very happy for you both. Very sorry to hear about the situation of the young friend you are visiting...I don't know the whole story, but I commend you for taking the time to visit with him.

The young man I'm visiting is who my 20 year old son saved during their deployment in Iraq. The explosion was caused by an Iraqi man who drove into their compound, taking my son's life and this man's arm.

[shellykut]

Betty - Sorry that I missed Stephen's angelversary yesterday. I hope you felt his love and joy around you and that you continue to feel that each and every day!

To all other Indigos - I read every day but just haven't had the words here of late. I'm feeling very lost but just know that I am thinking of you all!

[hotrod]

Michele, Dee, Becky, ,Laurie, Colleen, Carol, Karen, Rhonda, Diane, Lora , Sherry and all Indigos . Once again Thank you for your sweet personal remembrances of Stephen What a true gift this Indigo Family is.

I am privileged to have found this very special family and to know the love and compassion of such very special people You will always be in my heart

[Guest]

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[tobyfreefoot]

Stephen Stephen Stephen

sorry i'm late in posting betty but wanted you to see your son's name as i say it out loud.

i remember how nice it felt to see my son's written and remembered.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, thankful that your husband is on the road to recovery. continue thoughts.

Carol, loved the picture of Lucy. Pets are such good companions on this journey, thankful for my cats.

Sandy, I loved the hotflash story.

Dee, will certainly keep those boys and your niece in my prayers.

Kate, keeping you and your husband in my prayers. I can understand how frustating this is for you, but know you need to focus your energy on getting your husband better and keeping him positive in his fight against this disease. I agree about depression, my friend's son, who is going to be 14 is pulling out his hair due to stress, they think, there is a name for it, tri something. There is such a need for psychologist and therapy for children that she had to take him to the emergency room to get him an appointment. I just keep telling her to stay positive through this all, that I would take Cara back anytime, even with his issues. She says that I keep her grounded. I always lend a hand or an ear to anyone who needs help.

Gretchen, I feel the same way, I can smile and feel some joy, but it will never be the same. We just learn to manage this pain. Some days I don't want to do it anymore.

Sherry, I love the sunshine. I love the smell of clothes that have hung outside to dry. My mom still does this, I don't have the room or the time to do this. I wish I did.

Becky, as long as you have the strength, continue your fight for justice. You are in my thoughts.

Mike's Dad, How wonderful for you, Congrats! So sad about Mike's friend, but wonderful that you are taking time to be there for him.

Betty, I agree, we are so lucky to have found this special family here. I couldn't have made it this far without everyone.

Shelly, so sorry that you have not had the energy to post, but I can understand, there are just some days that I read and think of things to say, but just can't. Thinking of you.

Last night I went to the cemetery and put 8 bags of topsoil on Cara's plot and planted grass seed. I planted some last year and it was beautiful but it had sunk in 8 inches from winter. Filled it in with regular dirt around Easter. I spent two hours there, it is weird that I feel like I am still taking care of her, when I do this, showing my love. I am waiting for the stone to be placed before I mulch around it. I have some good ideas.

Thinking about you all and have a peaceful day.

Lora, I have been doing the same thing for Jesse's cemetary plot. I just went there today and placed some more topsoil on it. I had a hard time keeping it level this winter. I feel that I am taking care of Jesse too while doing this. Hopefully, I will get up there tomorrow and add the final two bags of dirt. I am waiting for his stone to be placed. I just looked at the actual stone today, so many emotions.. Tending his grave is the only way I know how to stay connected to him and it seems like you are doing the same for Cara.

Today, I was so tired from the pain.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I think today was just an "angry" day for me. I went out to Jesse's place this morning and planted the wildflower seeds in his fields, hopefully some flowers will grow.

I was mad because Jesse was not there. I thought about what I am supposed to be doing with him on a day like today. So I stomp around for awhile and then cry.

Then I thought about the stupid, negligent girl who ran him over. I was mad at her for awhile too. Incidentally, she just got busted again for something else -- this time for assault and battery. And the sheriff's dept initially tried it pin the accident on Jesse. Did they get a fight on that one from me. Their "investigation" was almost non-existent, worse than some banana republic. So I was mad at them for awhile too.

Then I struggled with why did God allow Jesse to die... I know there are no answers to that one but I ask anyways. Too many pre-death premonitions, I am still sorting within my soul on this.

So I just keep cycling around this way until I run myself out. I am just weary with grief.

Grief is hard.

[Guest]

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[mysonrich]

Laurie, Thank you for your kind words. I've always admired Jesse's photograph. Pose style changed a few years ago I guess and it's nice to have an option.

Rich would be 25 this year and as time goes , well, I just see and hear of all he will never have. Married. A father. 21. I grasp for understanding and find nothing.

Carol, Lucy must bring a smile to your lips. She does to me. I've considered getting a pet. Cat or dog . I would like a dog but don't want to leave it home all day alone. Cats are nice. I see a kitten swinging from the curtains now.

Kate, Lora, Becky, Leah, Dee, Rhonda, Betty, Mikes dad, Brian’s dad, Nicks dad, Tanners mom, Sherry,Shelly, Colleen, Maryann, Kathy...if you're here or not I think of you all.

Sandy, can totally relate to the hot flash story.

I'm just having a hard time right now. The usual BS of life that doesn't really matter but it's here. And the knowledge that people move on, grow older. Rich's friends. Old GF. Stuff like that. Have a good night if possible.

[ericasmom]

Laurie, it is, grief is just really hard. No two ways about it. Being angry is part of this whole process. And it is a process and processes take time. They just do. Let there be time to be angry and sad, allow these moods so that you can move through them. They will come back but with each time, you will learn something new and that is a good thing.

Lora, much of what I put at Eri's gravesite disappeared soon after placing it. I had to stop buying good stuff as it just went away. The cemetery that Eri is at is Catholic, even though she and I aren't, her grandparents on her Dad's side were so she was able to be there, but the gates close at 7:00 in the summer and at 4:00 in the winter. I hate that, I cannot get there after work in the winter hours.

Betsy, sorry that you are in a sad mood. Yep, we have to go there at different marks on our pathway, those times we know we will never see with our Child. Watching others move forward as we at times, stand still.