Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Mike's Dad, prayers are being launched right now. What are the doctors planning on doing next to further investigate? How is Mom?

HOld on Mike's Dad.

Carol, a date that will live in your heart and soul forever. How lovely the bond is between you.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Carol, thanks for pointing the tree out! I hadn't noticed that, didn't even notice the sunset until I looked at the video, and I was saying "how on earth did we not see that"? I guess we were concentrated on the balloons!!

Your post and your story about your life with your Mikes is so precious. I too have often wished that I had chance to say goodbye as well. Still don't pretend to have answers to all of those questions, but do believe our angels are ever around us, and I am thankful for that. What a happy reunion we are all going to have one of these days!! That's one party I don't want to miss!!!

Thinking of you this morning, Kate. Praying for you and your hubby.

Mike's dad, praying for your little unborn baby.

[Jeff's Mom]

This time 48 years and 364 days ago, Mike and I were in my parents' kitchen, making the rest of the "finger sandwiches" for our wedding reception the next day. We stayed up til after 3 am the day of our wedding, getting everything ready. My family helped, of course, but Mike and I remained long after they had all given up the ghost, and finished up the details. Our marriage was like that...staying together, "fine tuning each other," "finishing up the details" of "growing up together," becoming as one through those many years. This scenario played itself out many, many times...moves with the USAF...stateside, overseas, stateside again, overseas again...Nine places in 24 years...that's how military life can be. (And we loved it, truly.) New schools for the kids, new houses we turned into "homes," however temporary...new neighborhoods, new neighbors...new cultures as we moved through the life we had and the surroundings we were sent to...ever changing...but one thing remained constant...the "US" in us. It was always "us." Mike and Carol....Carol and Mike...always. He is now on the other side of that thin veil where our son has been for the past 6 years, 6 1/2 months; not touchable, but yet, reachable...there, always there. I reach out to him (and young Mike) every day...many times a day. I know he is/they are with me...I am thankful and feel blessed for that knowledge. But, oh, how I wish I could touch him...just one more time...just one more hour...I never got to say goodbye. We knew how much we loved each other...and maybe it was a good thing we never got to say goodbye...goodbye usually means gone...out of our world...out of our life, forever. Whether it's to a person or to a place..."goodbye" usually means something permanent. As we left those previously "new neighborhoods," we often said "goodbye" to those previously "new neighbors," never expecting to see it or them again; we had done it enough times to know that the "returns" never happened. But even military life with all of its changes couldn't make that one constant wonderful thing not constant...the "US" that we became. The "US" that we have always been comforts me, and fuels the belief that we will be together again, continuing the "US" for all eternity. And young Mike will be there, too. For all eternity. My heart, while it aches at my present reality, soars at the thought of the future, when we are all together again. For eternity. Happy 49th anniversary, my sweetheart ...I am a day early, I know, but I was thinking of that one last night of being "single," walking you to the door so you could meet your best man and get ready for our day, each of us so hesitant for you to leave, and yet eager for the next hours to fly until later that afternoon, when, before God, our family and our friends, we would change the "me" that was "me," and the "you" that was "you" into that beautiful gift of "US." And I am so glad we did. So, so glad. the pictures are of our wedding day, then our first anniversary, and of our last anniversary on this earth...on hold "until we meet again"...

Thanks Carol, for your kind wishes. What a beautiful love story. And you are so right. Love never dies. We too have been together for what seems like forever. Met when I was just sixteen and he was twenty-one. We became close friends. Dated for several years before marrying. We have stood beside each other through many ups and downs. Gave each other support when the other felt unable to continue. Shared many good times of laughter and happiness. I love him more than life itself. I do know that this life is temporary and in time we all will pass away. I too look forward to being reunited with my son and other family members. I do not fear death itself as much as the process of dying. I have seen several family members die. Dying is a painful process. Oh, how I wish I could spare him this necessary process. Don't we all. For now, I plan to stand by him and do whatever it takes to help him through this. To make his days as happy and positive as I can. We are about to have a truly beautiful weekend. The temps are rising like crazy. We are going to get out and enjoy it! Oh, and by the way...a very Happy Anniversary!

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

This time 48 years and 364 days ago, Mike and I were in my parents' kitchen, making the rest of the "finger sandwiches" for our wedding reception the next day. We stayed up til after 3 am the day of our wedding, getting everything ready. My family helped, of course, but Mike and I remained long after they had all given up the ghost, and finished up the details. Our marriage was like that...staying together, "fine tuning each other," "finishing up the details" of "growing up together," becoming as one through those many years. This scenario played itself out many, many times...moves with the USAF...stateside, overseas, stateside again, overseas again...Nine places in 24 years..that's how military life can be. (And we loved it, truly.) New schools for the kids, new houses we turned into "homes," however temporary...new neighborhoods, new neighbors...new cultures as we moved through the life we had and the surroundings we were sent to...ever changing...but one thing remained constant...the "US" in us. It was always "us." Mike and Carol....Carol and Mike...always. He is now on the other side of that thin veil where our son has been for the past 6 years, 6 1/2 months; not touchable, but yet, reachable...there, always there. I reach out to him (and young Mike) every day...many times a day. I know he is/they are with me...I am thankful and feel blessed for that knowledge. But, oh, how I wish I could touch him...just one more time...just one more hour...I never got to say goodbye. We knew how much we loved each other...and maybe it was a good thing we never got to say goodbye...goodbye usually means gone...out of our world...out of our life, forever. Whether it's to a person or to a place..."goodbye" usually means something permanent. As we left those previously "new neighborhoods," we often said "goodbye" to those previously "new neighbors," never expecting to see it or them again; we had done it enough times to know that the "returns" never happened. But even military life with all of its changes couldn't make that one constant wonderful thing not constant...the "US" that we became. The "US" that we have always been comforts me, and fuels the belief that we will be together again, continuing the "US" for all eternity. And young Mike will be there, too. For all eternity. My heart, while it aches at my present reality, soars at the thought of the future, when we are all together again. For eternity. Happy 49th anniversary, my sweetheart ...I am a day early, I know, but I was thinking of that one last night of being "single," walking you to the door so you could meet your best man and get ready for our day, each of us so hesitant for you to leave, and yet eager for the next hours to fly until later that afternoon, when, before God, our family and our friends, we would change the "me" that was "me," and the "you" that was "you" into that beautiful gift of "US." And I am so glad we did. So, so glad. the pictures are of our wedding day, then our first anniversary, and of our last anniversary on this earth...on hold "until we meet again"...

Thanks Carol, for your kind wishes. What a beautiful love story. And you are so right. Love never dies. We too have been together for what seems like forever. Met when I was just sixteen and he was twenty-one. We became close friends. Dated for several years before marrying. We have stood beside each other through many ups and downs. Gave each other support when the other felt unable to continue. Shared many good times of laughter and happiness. I love him more than life itself. I do know that this life is temporary and in time we all will pass away. I too look forward to being reunited with my son and other family members. I do not fear death itself as much as the process of dying. I have seen several family members die. Dying is a painful process. Oh, how I wish I could spare him this necessary process. Don't we all. For now, I plan to stand by him and do whatever it takes to help him through this. To make his days as happy and positive as I can. We are about to have a truly beautiful weekend. The temps are rising like crazy. We are going to get out and enjoy it! Oh, and by the way...a very Happy Anniversary!

Carol, such a beautiful post about your love for your husband, he sounds like a wonderful man! Thanks for sharing your love story and pictures, your family will be in our prayers...

[Mermaid Tears]

Well Carol....I am what I consider a very 'well read' person....but I have to tell you...what you wrote about 'when I was me...and he was he...and then we became 'us'...is one of the most profound 'tiny little stories' of a life of a marriage...you really 'nailed it'....and you did it with such sweet simple words...connected to make sweet simple paragraphs....Willa Cather never used a 25 cent word where a 5 cent word could be used. Thank you for sharing your beautiful warm and caring heart with us...and also letting us share in your Anniversary....my Mom and Dad were so devoted to each other...in fact...he simply adored her...what a surprise for me when I got married and discovered that 'all' men did not treat their wives like my Dad did...it was a hard road for me to learn how to navigate a world I was not familiar with.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos.

Can't post much at this time. Just want everyone to know that I'm thinking

of you all, and saying prayers . Peace & comfort to everyone in the Indigo Family.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Mike's dad]

We will go back in on Monday. They said she needs to rest and hopefully that will help. She won't be going to work until we figure things out...

She's upset. She's been sleeping all day. I'm upset too, we've really changed our lives for this baby. I don't smoke anymore, I limit my drinking (she doesn't drink or smoke, she never would) she exercises, eats healthier, reads anything she can about parenting, and doesn't party anymore.

We both were excited, now we're worried.

[Mermaid Tears]

I will be saying extra prayers for that 'little guy'...and for his Mom and Dad...medical science has come a long way in treating the 'unborn and newborn'....so take heart....

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...have I missed a posting ?? Am sorry but I did not read about the latest news of your husband.

Daniel got the results of his Stress Test and there is something abnormal....so...it is in an artery at bottom part of the heart

so they are scheduling surgery to put in a stent..

[Mom of Chip]

Sorry to have been a little absent from the forum...Dee, thanks for asking about how I am doing.

I'm okay. Every day seems to get a little better and I'm really enjoying my new job. They sent me to school, all expenses paid, so I guess they think I am a 'keeper'.

It seems that almost every day when I go to work a song that Chip used to perform comes on the radio and then when I get back in the car to go home, another one comes on. One day last week I decided to go out for lunch and when I got back into the car after lunch, there was one of his songs playing on the radio. It makes me feel that he is guiding the DJ's hands to play his songs...letting me know that he is riding along with me.

Wednesday, the 24th was my birthday. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be, but my Chip's BD is in July and I am dreading it.

We have ordered his headstone and hope to have it set by his birthday.

To those who have husband's/loved ones with health problems....I know how difficult it is to deal with that. My husband had a heart stent 2 years ago. He was having problems doing the things that he had always did...getting tired really easily. One of his arteries was blocked 98%. He spent one night in the hospital and had to take blood thinners for a year afterward. He has been doing okay, but now is having problems with his knees and his right shoulder and is in therapy. He played baseball/softball for at least 25 years...was the catcher. Doc says that's why he is having these knee and shoulder problems...the strain of squatting and throwing the ball so much is finally showing up and taking a toll on his joints....and he is beginning to have problems with getting tired easily again. I hope his heart is not giving him problems again. He also has 3 aortic aneurysms...abominal, renal and illiad. He has to go in every 6 months to have them checked. He functions okay, but he is definitely slowing down, which is hard for him as he has always been a very active person.

Mike, my daughter is a NICU nurse...she tells us about some of her patients and their parent's pain and worries...so I understand the concerns of a parent whose unborn child is showing signs of stress. If your precious son decides to make an early appearance, be assured that there has been so much medical science advancement in the last few years that a good NICU unit will use all the technology available and be at his side night and day to help him grow and be healthy.

To all Indigos....hope your days are getting better. Time does not heal, but it does help us to manage the difficult road ahead.

Hugs to all of you.

[ericasmom]

Del, delightful that you are enjoying the work and the folks there appreciate what you bring to their place. Double nice.

Sounds like your Hubby has been through a lot, sorry that he is hurting, we get older and all of the knocks we took are right there only magnified. OW!

Susan, I am glad that the doctors are on it, looking into your Husband's heart and finding what needs to be done. I will continue prayers for full recovery and fine health.

Mike's dad, I can only send hope and prayers to you and your Girl, knowing that these will not alleviate your worry, but I am hoping that the doctors find what is needed if anything more than rest, and that Baby Boy is fine and healthy and strong. Prayers.

Sherry, glad to see you here the other day.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

My mom shared this for my son.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Another picture everyone might enjoy

[Mom of Chip]

Another picture everyone might enjoy

Thank you for that pic. I've seen it before on Facebook.

It reminds of the day that Chip and I learned of his cancer. We sat on a park bench just like that outside the hospital and held each and sobbed.

[Mermaid Tears]

what in the h--- is that kind of c--- on our site..?? so very demeaning to us .....we aren't here to shop....

[ericasmom]

I am going to notify ModKonnie, I agree Del, we are not here to shop, who the hell let this in?

Want to say too Del, that your sitting on the bench with your Son weeping in each others arms, makes tears fall fast from my eyes. I feel your connection to Chip.

Jesse Davids Mom, how nice that your Mom posted this for you in remembrance of your Son. I know that Eri's Grandmom, on her Dad's Side sat near the casket and asked me how the hell was I doing this? I held her hand and said, I had no idea where the energy was coming from, therefore it was through Eri herself. She helped us do what we had to do to.

[Sholl1955]

Just held my little 4 year old granddaughter Becca who is sick and not wanting to take her medicine,so helped get her to take it. Got it down her and then just held her while she cried and cried that she wanted her mommy. Babies should not have to go through their lifetime without their mama!!!!

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello Everyone, just wanted to say that I am thinking of you all....sending warm wishes for a peaceful rest this evening. Love to all. Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thank you for that pic. I've seen it before on Facebook.

It reminds of the day that Chip and I learned of his cancer. We sat on a park bench just like that outside the hospital and held each and sobbed.

I am sorry, I hope it wasn't too painful for you to see this image. These awful grief attacks!

[ericasmom]

Thanks Konnie for taking the shopping weirdness away!!! You are our protector.

Kate, I am holding your hand this evening.

Oh boy, holding your Grandgirl while she cries for her Momma, so very hard to carry that pain for you both, your Daughter and her Momma. Goodness. She knows how dearly missed she is and I am sure she is working her love into a blanket tonight.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I am going to notify ModKonnie, I agree Del, we are not here to shop, who the hell let this in?

Want to say too Del, that your sitting on the bench with your Son weeping in each others arms, makes tears fall fast from my eyes. I feel your connection to Chip.

Jesse Davids Mom, how nice that your Mom posted this for you in remembrance of your Son. I know that Eri's Grandmom, on her Dad's Side sat near the casket and asked me how the hell was I doing this? I held her hand and said, I had no idea where the energy was coming from, therefore it was through Eri herself. She helped us do what we had to do to.

Yes, every day is a small step for me. I still am trapped in that time, that Saturday where my son told me his life was going to be "SHORT". I even had the number 4 pop in my head (his death was 4 days from that point, i revised it to 40, like years, I think out of denial) when he said this. Like I said before, there were so many oddities before his death. I am about ready to write Dr. Mary Neal about some of this since she had some similar happenings before her own son died. Maybe I will get the ambition to put something together that makes sense to send her. Hopefully she would respond, I just struggle so hard with this. I don't know...I feel that my life is over and I am destroyed. My career is done, not that I want it back anyways. I think people can see the expression of extreme grief on my face (I have always carried emotion in my face) and so it is hard for me to go into public now. I never know when someone in our small town is going to approach me about Jesse, some are a bit late of hearing about it. Then as much as I care they ask, I just feel like I am falling to pieces all the time. Sorry for such a stupid post.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Just held my little 4 year old granddaughter Becca who is sick and not wanting to take her medicine,so helped get her to take it. Got it down her and then just held her while she cried and cried that she wanted her mommy. Babies should not have to go through their lifetime without their mama!!!!

I am so sad for you and the little one tonight. Hugs to you both.

[Jeff's Mom]

Sarah, thinking of you as you try to comfort Becca tonight. How difficult this road is that we walk. So unfair. I am like Carol...I can't seem to do the paragraph thing or colours. Sort of had an iffy day. We sat and talked about his feelings about the cancer, etc. He is feeling so cheated I guess. He is afraid after seeing his mom and dad dying of the same thing. Very difficult. We shared many in depth feelings. I am glad he finally opened up about his fears, etc. A small bit of progress that he was able to let it out. Our weather is just marvelous. Today we reached a high of 20C (67F) the sun was warm and so comforting. I was able to work on the property for ages. It really felt great to be able to get back to doing what I love. Sending love to all.

[Mom of Chip]

Yes, every day is a small step for me. I still am trapped in that time, that Saturday where my son told me his life was going to be "SHORT". I even had the number 4 pop in my head (his death was 4 days from that point, i revised it to 40, like years, I think out of denial) when he said this. Like I said before, there were so many oddities before his death. I am about ready to write Dr. Mary Neal about some of this since she had some similar happenings before her own son died. Maybe I will get the ambition to put something together that makes sense to send her. Hopefully she would respond, I just struggle so hard with this. I don't know...I feel that my life is over and I am destroyed. My career is done, not that I want it back anyways. I think people can see the expression of extreme grief on my face (I have always carried emotion in my face) and so it is hard for me to go into public now. I never know when someone in our small town is going to approach me about Jesse, some are a bit late of hearing about it. Then as much as I care they ask, I just feel like I am falling to pieces all the time. Sorry for such a stupid post.

This is NOT a stupid post...I have some of the same things happen....on Easter Sunday it was posted in the church bulletin the names of all the people who had lilies put on the alter for them..Chip was one of them. A friend I had not seen in a long time approached me and asked what happened to Chip. When I told her he had died last summer from pancreatic cancer I started sobbing.....She understood. Eventhough it made it hard on me, I appreciated her caring.

[Mom of Chip]

I am sorry, I hope it wasn't too painful for you to see this image. These awful grief attacks!

No it wasn't all that hard to see the pic...but it did bring back the memory and tears to my eyes. That was the last and only time that I saw him cry about his illness. All during the next five weeks, he was so strong..He accepted his expiration timetable and was able to be happy around his friends. He was joking with the doctor at the hospital the morning before he died that afternoon. When the doctor told us about it, he cried.

[shorty16]

Mikes Dad

Sounds like you and your girlfriend are doing everything right. The first trimester is the most worry-some. I am calling all angels to sing prayers for you and this baby.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[shorty16]

Sarah's mom

I am crying with you and that little girl. You are right. No little girl should have to go through life without a mommy or daddy.

She is lucky she has you to share her grief. The loss of our child is earth-shattering. We are thrust onto an unknown planet and have to find our way. We will eventually find our way, but many potholes and cliffs along the way.

Consider yourself hugged.

Colleen, Brian's Mom4ever

[daveydow1]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, DEAR JARED. KEEP SHINING YOUR

LIGHT DOWN ON YOUR FAMILY WITH LOVE AND PEACE.

Becky---Sorry I had missed JD's birthday. May his angel-light warm your heart.

[ericasmom]

Laurie, nothing stupid about your post, many of us had a sense of early loss and so did many of our kids.

Erica told her friend Karolyn, just four or five nights prior to being struck by the train, that she felt funny about getting older. She could not pin-point it for Kar, but essentially Karolyn felt that those words were a pre-curser to Eri having a vague sense of things.

Just to go back a bit, in April and May of that year I had had 3 nightmares of something about to get Eri. I woke from each screaming and terrified, I could not help her but never saw what it was. My husband awoke each time to calm me and told me that it was just that Eri was living further away that I worried. I said no, that it was something more. The fourth dream, I was giving Erica's eulogy at the church. I was standing in my bed sobbing when I finally woke all the way up. I could not be consoled. A year prior to that, I told my sisters, my best buddy Kay, and my husband that I felt that ERi was not going to live long. I did not know why but the whisper of that message was happening more frequently that last year of her life.

The fact that Eri was with us on July 3rd for dinner before she went out with Karolyn, would have been our last time seeing her but she surprised visited us on the 6th, never expecting her that day. She drove back from Kalamazoo, Michigan, on a whim, to our area to just hang out with both her new friends, who we met that day, with her old buddies that she grew up with here. We instantly loved her two new friends, she was a friend magnet, good friends throughout her life, and we took photos of her in the yard with the girls. Our last photos of Eri. Oh, and that day, the day she surprised visited us...I was in the midst of a hundred or more photos of Jon and Eri's years growing up, thinking that if I actually began in July I could create a nice photo album for them both for Christmas.

THat day I was sitting on the floor of my office, which used to be the guest room, and it was the initiation of my office space. Eri's room had been turned into the guest room as she assured me that she was so glad to live with friends and brother and that she did not want us to keep her room, to go ahead and make it the guest room. So we did, and that day, July 6th, while sitting in the midst of their youth in photos, while having just put books on my new shelves and topping one shelf off with three generations of women, (photo of me and sisters, mom's glasses to watch over us, and a photo fo Eri at age 3 fishing in New Hampshire) I heard, " MOMMA, I brought some friends to meet you!" Her loud voice was a treat.

SHe clomped up the stairs and admired the new guest room, telling her friends all about how it looked when it was her bedroom. Then came into the office and immediately noticed the photos on the shelf top. She told her two buddies about those and then sat on the floor with the girls to explain just about every photo I had been going through. I was able to hear Erica's take on her life through photos. It was a gift, a gift before her dying. I heard her narrative from her heart.

We shared our last cup of coffee together out in the yard with her friends where she explained that the garden got prettier each year. I positioned them next to some very tall bee balm and a variety of other perennials and shot 3 photos, all the film I had left.

When Erica died, my husband went to have the film processed, out of a roll of 36, the only photos that were able to be processed were Eri and her two friends, Sarah and Heather. Tell me that that isn't some sort of sign. The night the train hit her car, just 30 or 40 minutes prior, she and I were on the phone. She had lost her phone, (again) but I called her anyway, hoping she had gotten a new one and she had. She said, " MOM how did you know that I got my new phone?" I said I just hoped so. We laughed and talked while I walked the unusually cool summer night. I told her that I bought her a new skirt, she squealed and asked if it was pink. I said that it was a lot like the one I owned that she loved only shorter and yes, pretty much pink. " Will you send it to me Mom?" " Yes Erz, I will." Instead she wore it to her funeral. 40 minutes later the phone call.

So Dear, after my long long story that can be much longer if all the details were used, your post is but a MOm's love of her Son and the amazing insight he experienced prior to dying. Not stupid at all, but deep ache after the life you loved so is gone. He is right beside you Laurie, just a new way and there is nothing easy about getting used to this. It takes a lot of time and ache to get there.There is nothing we can do about these connections, I could not stop her from living in order to keep her alive!

[ericasmom]

My girl Eri is on the far left...eyes shut and her friends squinting into the sun. Last photo of my Girl. Her eyes were shut.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thank you Dee for sharing your story about Erica. I am thankful you were brave and shared. I am still processing Jesse's leaving signs - very hard right now. Yes, in the last year the signs very much picked up. I think some days my head and heart will split in two over it. I am thinking of trying to write up something about it and probably will in time. My humble theory is that as we get closer to our end date on earth that the veil that separates us in this life and the next with God, that this veil gets thinner at that time. It wasn't always what he said regarding these certain things, but the communication between us regarding this was more, with a sense that we were in a different "space" altogether. That even seems so inadequate as a description especially regarding the last conversation. It would seem that not everyone who is around dying people (or people who are about to exit) have this experience. Why some do and others do not, is a mystery that I just know is there...

Chips Mom, thanks for sharing your story. Your son was a beautiful person and so brave. I am not sure how many people could do that, face their leaving time like that, and I am sure Chip was given a special grace for his endurance by what you have said.

Thanks to all. My birthday is on Monday, so it is a hard weekend. Peace to all...

[ericasmom]

Oh Laurie, I have so many stories, but many here have heard that one and all of mine many times so I don't want to over-tell. There has been much magic surrounding Eri and even in her death, the magic swirled all around her and us. Magic and grace. I do agree with the thought that the veil becomes thinner, I was a receptor for these messages too, because as I ended one of my stories, sometimes a Daughter let's her Momma know.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Oh Laurie, I have so many stories, but many here have heard that one and all of mine many times so I don't want to over-tell. There has been much magic surrounding Eri and even in her death, the magic swirled all around her and us. Magic and grace. I do agree with the thought that the veil becomes thinner, I was a receptor for these messages too, because as I ended one of my stories, sometimes a Daughter let's her Momma know.

Dee, if I put your username in the search at the top right, I can access your past posts. Do you mind if I do so, that way I can read your stories? I know some of these technical things since I used to be a Web Developer. Of course that time is past for me now, I barely can keep my thinking straight. But let me know if that is okay, I would be interested.

[ericasmom]

Laurie, you are most welcome to read past posts of mine or anyone's here I dare say. We are open books and here to help the next one up, just as you will as you move forward. I think one of the most difficult things is understanding that moving forward does not mean moving away from your Child. IT means moving forward with him/her safely tucked into your everyday.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Laurie, you are most welcome to read past posts of mine or anyone's here I dare say. We are open books and here to help the next one up, just as you will as you move forward. I think one of the most difficult things is understanding that moving forward does not mean moving away from your Child. IT means moving forward with him/her safely tucked into your everyday.

Thanks, I will check them out then. Laurie

[Jeff's Mom]

Just quickly stopping by to say that I am thinking of everyone and hoping your weekend is going as well as can be expected. We had a glorious day. The weather was just perfect. Temps could not have been nicer. We stayed close to home but just puttered around and it was like old times. We sat for a couple of hours on the patio just soaking up the sun. The warmth in the sun was amazing. We both fell asleep and woke up feeling like two Cheshire cats. How comforting and relaxing. How wonderful it is to see the change of seasons. It really does perk up one's spirit and gives you hope. Thinking of everyone and definitely sending warm wishes. Love, Kate

[Sholl1955]

I want to thank each of you for your encouraging words and prayers for my sweet little Becca. The picture of Jesus holding the child was so special and I shared it with Becca. Tonight she took her medication without too much of a problem, but still a very sad depressed little girl. Her Aunt, my daughter Rachel and her Uncle are here for the weekend and she loves them.

Today was a different kind of day. Part of my job entails providing a "Retreat Day" for the Caregivers of our clients. It is a day we provide Breakfast, some relaxng activities (massages, meditation and some educational workshops. ) and lunch. As a caregiver myself I was one of the speakers. So in telling my story about my husband and his dementia, of course the story of Sarah and her struggles and need for care, is part ot my story. As I told my story and encourged them to take care of themselves ( HA! Listen to me, you all know I haven't taken such great care of me) anyway, I shared with them that I am in the same place they are in taking care of myself, but that it is vital that we do. The entire time I was telling my story and appeared in control, inside I felt like I was bleeding. I am amazed that I can speak to others and hold things together, but inside I feel like a different person. I have been very exhausted since I came home and would just like to go somewhere by myself. I did just have a strange thing happen. I am using the computer that belonged to Sarah. As I was reading the posts you all wrote today all of a sudden Sarah's picture popped on the screeen and just as quickly disappeard. It literally took my breath away. I am thinking I hit something that did it but do not know what. However it was also quite wonderful suddenly to see her face. I have not gotten many signs that I have been aware of but this may have been one. Oh how I love her.

[Mermaid Tears]

have been reading posts....once again Dee...you are putting your hand out for us..and saying just the right things I and others need to hear...well I am in a place now I don't want to be in right now...but I guess the time is never right...but I am here..and there is nothing I can do about it all except to do the best I can..and go forward..when the shock wears off...when you are so left bare and naked...and you can't fall any farther...

[Mermaid Tears]

amazing Sarah's Mom....for sure she was there for you...

[ericasmom]

Sandy, how nice that your Daughter is there too right now, and your Grand girls are able to bounce of her and her husband for a bit. How is Rachel? Is she able to be caring and giving with you at this time?

Amazing that you were able to stand before the caregivers and give your story, helping them find ways to realize their own needs in the midst of being The Caregiver. So good of you to let them know how important this is. Now it is time for you to take your words to heart. Though so much easier said than done, I know, I do hope that you are able to put your feet up now and again and have some quiet time, some time to repair. You are on constant duty aren't you, not that you would not take care of those who you love so, but it is draining and in it all, you have very little space for anything other. I am praying for your strength to sustain you, for your love to guide you, and for you to have that time somewhere by yourself. The flash of your Girl on screen...sure feels like a sign, sure feels like Sarah saying I am near you Mom, all the time, and I love love love you.

Susan, glad that I am able to make you feel less alone at this time. It sounds as though you are feeling the strain that comes when one is trying to balance grief and illness all at once. Neither of these easy or invited, and so we just have to find ways. It is very tiring to do so, and one wonders sometimes; Why do this?

But the answers are many and the best one lies on the hearts of our Child that left so early; you are still here and have jobs still that need doing. Live your best life where I cannot, stand in the light I shine for you. Know that you are always going to be the Mom of my Dreams.

[Mermaid Tears]

how sweet of you, Dee, to post that photo of the sun shining in that shaft of light that I see remember you posting....for I think of that...I hold on to things that so many of you post on this site....some of you will never know what it means to me....I am trying to dot all the 'i's' and cross all the 't's' for myself in this....and I am trying to say to all the children...'we are in good hands'....and Daniel and I went out to eat tonight and he said to me....'you will take care of everything cause you can'...and I can....I have someone who is taking care of the landscaping needs...at the apartments....this week I did 99% of the make ready for the new tenants moving in....I had Daniel doing that...but my complex is small and ...he was so healthy and viable...now he can't even do anything without being 'vulnerable'...and Ricky was going to mow our yard and Daniel showed him how to make a pass on our lawnmower....and he did one pass in the yard..and had to come and sit on the couch...so we will have the angiogram....it could show something small or large...I am not ready for this...no I am not...but I don't have a choice....like I didn't have a choice in John David...but I do know that something is not 'right'...I told the Dr. that on Thursday...had to entertain some Austin-ites today for they came to Brenham....I am still not really ready to get out of my cocoon...only do it when I have to...I think I am getting either very angry or mixed up...whatever...maybe both....so much to think about and do....I do have some very wonderful 'children' with me...so don't ya'll worry about me....but I do appreciate all your support and words...

[tobyfreefoot]

i came across the slide show from forest's funeral on line a minute ago. i didn't know it was on there.

i "screen printed" a shot of him holding his little sister in the rocking chair

helping his brother logan ride a trike

and holding his brother marshall up at the zoo.

logan told me the other day "there are 5 ant hills with tiny ants by forest" he said he knew because it was muddy and the grass has not grown over the grave yet so he had to lie down next to him, i didn't know he went and lie on his grave. i thought i was the only one that did that. he also told me he wished i would have put the memorial money towards a full size statue of forest and put it on my property because it would be easier to hang out with him. then he said he wanted statues of all of them eventually memorialized together full size. wish i could. anyway my friend heard elizabeth edwards speak while she was alive and she said she lie on her son's grave everyday for a year so now i don't feel so crazy.

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, such a wonderful Son, so lovely as he touched everyone's life in that same very big-hearted way. Thanks for showing us your Boy as a little one. I am glad that your Logan visits with his Bro. He misses him deeply.

Susan, no, not ready for it but like your sweet Daniel said, you can do this. YOu can even though it seems impossible at this time. I am praying deeply that Daniel is able to get the fix he needs to live his usual active lifestyle.

[Guest]

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[mikesmomrs]

Hello everyone...a beautiful day here on the East coast...temps near 70 and sun shining like there isn't a cloud within a thousand miles...beckoning to me to come outside and maybe plant a flower or two... this week has not been a week of sunshine inside of my heart...always before, having learned from surviving our son's passing, I knew that the days leading up to are generally so much worse than the day "of," whatever that "day of" might be...this time, not so. I had a very hard time on Friday...what would have been our 49th anniversary. Got out and drove, as it was a very beautiful day, much like today. But the tears wouldn't stop. The ache was tremendous and profound. Prayers said over and over. Daughter Cathi came and took me to dinner. Most of it went well, but I did have to stop mid-way and flee from the "spotlight" (literally..there was a very annoying spotlight shining right down on our table) to the bathroom. Regained my composure and was able to finish out the dinner, but quickly fled back home. Yesterday was somewhat better, but today I am feeling on a more even keel, thankfully. I know they were both (Hubby and Mike, our son) out and about with me, as at one particularly bad crying point on Friday, a red AND a yellow punch buggy drove by at the same time. I, like Kate, am still unable to do paragraphs or any detailing here, so forgive my "running on" paragraphs, please. LORA: So very good of you to walk in the March for babies...your sweet Cara will be walking right beside you. Looking through the pictures for her stone can be difficult, and yet so wonderful at the same time...we relive those moments and if we can allow the joy of the memory to stay in our heart for a bit, it can tend to soften the pain that comes along with it. GRETCHEN: I too enjoyed the pics you posted of your sweet son...and I love that Logan is expressing his love for his brother instead of trying to run away from it out of fear of the pain of missing him. DEE: I expect that you are enjoying that beautiful little Erica and she is filling your heart with unimaginable love and sweetness. How is your yard doing? Have the waters receded and allowed your blooms to come forth? Thank you for sharing some of Eri's story again...I love to hear of all the little events that happened to being you those extra moments of joy those last days....memories to hold dear eventually and bring you peace-filled moments. I too, like Lora I believe who quoted it, loved what you wrote: "And I have come to know that with some magic-there is pain, I shall always cherish the magic…and always know the pain." While this, too, carries bittersweet message to our heart, it does indeed speak of how we feel, and allows those thoughts to see the light of day. Thank you for sharing. SANDY: So good that you were able to stand there and speak to the caregivers and try to help them with your wisdom, even as you are having to live this journey yourself. Your beautiful girl, Sarah, surely sent you a wonderful sign with the flashing of her picture on the screen as you used her computer. Such treasured gifts, these signs...they carry our hearts to joy, even if only briefly. But over time, they do help ease the pain as we look back on them. MIKESDAD: Praying that all goes well with your baby and your girlfriend. I know the anxiety over this must be difficult, but we are all with you in prayers and thought. DEL: So glad to hear of your hearing your son's songs being played and I am glad to hear that this brings you comfort. I know what you mean about your son's accepting of his prognosis, as we went through much the same with our son, Mike, upon his news of his terminal brain cancer. He cried once...the day he found out, as he said "I won't get to see my boys grow up, become teenagers, graduate high school, or even get to see Damon start school (his little one was only 18 mos at the time). We all cried together then, as he sat there on our sofa, with his wife cuddled in to him at his side, his dad holding him on the other side, and I sat in front of him, holding his hands. It does rip your heart out...you want so to just step in and take over and be the one who dies. Our son, too, joked with his doctor. On the day of his surgery, they joked about "brain" function, and my son told him he wanted a picture of his brain after they removed the skull piece. During the surgery, Mike had unexpected excruciating pain, and after the surgery, when he talked to his doctor about it, (he had had brain mapping prior to the actual surgery, so he had to be awake as they cut away the skull, etc.) the doctor took his hand and said "Son, I am so very sorry that happened. It is rare. But we had to do it that way so we could get as much of the tumor as possible." Tears ran down his face as he held our son's hand and told him this. I loved the picture you posted of the bench in the clouds....our "hugging and sobbing" moment occurred in our seats at the baseball park, as he held my hand and asked me to be sure that his boys "became aware of the Red Sox and are given the opportunity to become fans, if they so chose." Only this time, it was my own tears that fell. KATE: So very glad that you had such a good afternoon, "Cheshire-cat-napping" on the porch. Such a wonderful comfort. As always, you and hubby are in my prayers. I am glad that your husband was able to open up a bit and talk about things. The "feeling cheated" is so much a part of this journey, and the sharing of those feelings is so important. LAURIE: I viewed your memorial site to your Jesse-David...beautifully done...a wonderful tribute to a wonderful man. I am so very sorry that you have having such a difficult time finding justice for him. I too had the "premonition" period of my son's leaving this earth before we did...but it was I who had them, not our son. I knew when he was just 5 that he would leave us. It is very difficult to describe, but I just knew. I can still remember the day it happened, and every thought that passed through my brain into my heart at the time. And, like Dee said, your post was not "stupid." We post our feelings, and here, were get understanding, acceptance, and comfort. A true blessing of this site. I love what your mom posted, and am so glad that you have her support in your grief. SUSAN: So glad that your husband's doctors are taking action on his problems with his heart. Prayers for you both. Thank you so much for your kind words about my "anniversary post." It was a difficult time for me...even more difficult than anticipated, but writing that little piece did help to bring the "good memories" to the forefront of my heart. Regarding your post about little "Wyatt John" looking about and "seeing" what others don't seem to....oh, for sure, your beautiful son is entertaining him. Such a blessing. Well, today is Davis's day off and I am hoping I can convince him that a good place to spend it would be in our yard, as some of the spring plantings are sitting still on the steps waiting for the blessing of being put into the ground so they can bloom the way they want to. Wish me luck...he's not much into "gardening." I wish a good Sunday to all of you, finding moments of peace and joy in your memories, allowing the memory of their presence in your life to help you meet the day. <3

[ericasmom]

Hi Lora, glad that you are walking for such a great cause. I know that each year when we walk for the Juvenile Diabetes March, we join with those whose lives have been touched by this insidious disease and we know our march, our contributions are going to help develop new medicines and treatments. Likewise to your march. I can see you with a lovely little angel sitting on our shoulder, her smile like a light along the way. Thanks, glad you liked that poem.

Likewise to you Carol, glad that the line Lora liked resonated with you too. It is where we live, in the balance of the magic of these Loved Ones, and the pain of having to let them go. Nothing compares to this loss and nothing compares to the Love nor the Loss and to the Magic that swirls around them. I know that this first anniversary without your Partner Soul Mate has been a hard one, and I am quite sure that you are right, the Boys, the Double Mikes were riding along with you as you wept on so lovely a day and so beautiful a date. He will always be your Sweetest Heart.

It is in the 60's today and overcast but that is okay. Yes, the garden is coming up and growing quickly now. The magnolia is in full bloom and looking lovely. Because spring was held back a bit, it is blooming when it should rather than in early April. I am glad for the slower bloom times. I will post a sunset through the magnolias from the other night if the program allows. The sky was an amazing bright orange red while the clouds stayed a pastel mix. Lovely.

[Mermaid Tears]

I guess I am settling down some...I just wish when I get some unexpected news I could have a few spare hours to absorb it all..always seem to get blindsided at a time when I have people to meet...social engagements that are a 'must'...work to do...paper work..and had to meet some people from Austin on Saturday..and take them around our downtown area..be a hostess with the mostest..and all the while my mind is 100 miles away thinking of all the 'to do' stuff I have to cover...thank you for all your kind words of support and encouragement...for only a few know the layer of stress on a grieving heart...Daniel is in the 'best' of hands...and our son, Aaron, the Dr. has checked with the Dr. and the tests...and has approved the Dr. that will do the angiogram...and our daughter, Randa, is here in Brenham and she is a nurse....so guess those bases are covered...

I really feel honored to hear more of 'Eri's story'...in fact..I feel honored to hear each of your stories...each little memory...posting photos of your child when they were young...flashbacks..all makes what I experience not such an 'alone' thing...I think...'well...I guess I am normal'.....every sign...every song you hear...every rainbow...gives me a 'pat on the back' and a message that says...'it's ok girl..you can make it'....

Lora...am happy to hear that you are 'holding up' in your journey for the memorial...I know it is just so damn hard....but you let us know it is 'do-able'....

[Mermaid Tears]

Jesse sent me something to make me smile...'the new little man in my life, Wyatt John' with his new best friend...

[ericasmom]

Sandy, just heard a clip from this author who wrote a memoir of how to talk to her child when the daddy was sick and died. It might be a great one to read too. I think I will get it.

The Goldfish Went on Vacation: A Memoir of Loss (and Learning to Tell the Truth about It)

[ericasmom]

Oh boy, on this busy day for you Susan, think of that beautiful smile and go forth knowing that our lives carry on with new intentions and new diversions. We are blessed in the midst of our sorrow by those picking up the torch to carry us on.