Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Tangible things

They are the possessions we hang on to

long after the event.

The prom dress, yellow satin,

the first skating skirt, double tiered.

her trophies and report cards,

her favorite dolls

and her lefty mitt,

all packed in boxes.

Holy and sacred.

They are things,

the touchstones that I cherish and protect.

[tobyfreefoot]

can't

[tobyfreefoot]

had to post photo won't post when i copy paste

this is facebook message from my daughter when last night's tornado was headed for her job.

[shorty16]

It is a cloudy, but beautiful day in Wisconsin, but I am having a hard time today. As the 5 year angelversary comes upon us in 18 days, I cannot help but think what should have been.

We are welcoming a niece and Brian would have been there today for the baby shower.

It is hard to think the rest of my life will be spent missing Brian. We do function well as a family now, but the empty chair is huge.

Love you my friends

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever

[tobyfreefoot]

colleen--next month will be two years. i can't imagine 5. i'm so sorry. do we have to do 20? i guess we do. i want to be there for my other children but that sounds so far from my baby. i hate this, i hate this, i hate this

[ericasmom]

Col, I know that June is filled with hard dates, harsh memories, and an overall sense of loss. You have come through the storm but there are new storms on the horizon to remind us, to bring us together in our ache and our sadness. It is normal at this point to wonder what might have been. I am so sorry for your hurting hearts.

Happy for the niece coming. We just had a deluge of rain in the last hour, so much, but the skies look good again and maybe will stop for now.

Gretchen, the weather threatening your family like this has got to be waring. Yes, 5 years is a long time, 5 days is long, and if we are meant to still be here at 20, it will floor us again. I am looking at 10 in July. Very hard to believe. I love what your Daughter wrote, I love that she felt the calm of her Bro.

[Jeff's Mom]

Tangible things

They are the possessions we hang on to

long after the event.

The prom dress, yellow satin,

the first skating skirt, double tiered.

her trophies and report cards,

her favorite dolls

and her lefty mitt,

all packed in boxes.

Holy and sacred.

They are things,

the touchstones that I cherish and protect.

Very nice, Dee. Yes, tangible and yet oh how important. I keep Jeff's things in a box marked "TREASURES". The memories that are and will always remain. Gretchen, my goodness hope you stay safe and sound. So sorry things are so concerning with these crazy tornadoes. Well, we drove into the city and crossed the bridge to the French Quarter, called St. Boniface. We drove along the river drive and along a wide tree lined street to a French bakery. Decided to scrap the diet and bought some croissant for breakfast in the morning. It was just what we needed to lift our spirits. The sun broke out again and the sun is still shining. With any luck come hell or high water I am hanging those hanging pots. Have a good evening everyone. Sending love to all. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....I am going to copy your poem...and Laurie's....just for me...I have written some things...will share later....the fact is...it is what we do...and the 'how' we do it...is up to us...

Gretchen..was watching Fox news...the storm was like watching a horrific movie...but it was real...thank you for the posting and sharing...no the language doesn't even make a dent...the power of family and love...comes through...what courage it took that kid to drive through that storm....it was all for love...

I am always given something to remind me that love is the strongest and most amazing ....that is why even death cannot erase it from us...

I was thinking of you ...and of course...many simple..straight from the heart prayers for everyone in it's path....keep us posted...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[ericasmom]

Sleep well All. I am thinking of you all and wishing a peaceful night, no tornadoes, no sleeplessness, just peaceful and restorative sleep.

Susan, nope, nothing can erase the love-both ours for our Angels and theirs for us. We will always be their parents. I get strength from this fact.

Kate sounds like a pretty drive and a wonderful way to spend some time.

[tobyfreefoot]

dee love your poem. before i left for n.m. i put a lock of forest's hair in a fireproof box. a couple weeks ago when sirens went off in norman allison put everything she had of forest's in the center closet.

when i was at the funeral home i started to scream don't leave me forest don't leave me. i only got as far as his name and stopped because i realized my youngest was in the room and it might be more than he could bear. strange how it is like i was watching myself react sort of and at that critical moment i was able to stop on a dime.

by the way can't seem to post my n. m. pics. maybe it will work itself out?

[ericasmom]

Stopping on a dime Gretchen...I think it is our hyper-ability to do so many things while in deep deep anguish. We are screaming inside and sometimes on the outside, but you were able to scan the group and see your Boy, your youngest and stop yourself. Those scenes from the ceiling, that's what I call them, when you feel you are watching them unfold from another point of view, are one of the many miraculous strengths we find we have while soldiering through the early piece of loss.

I remember walking two or three kids at a time, down the long hallway to say goodbye to Eri. I remember the nurse wanting to stop us but my saying, we will be quiet for the others here, they have to say goodbye, and I did this for days, there were about 80 people in the ER each of those 6 days. I too had a ceiling view, and in her little room where all the beeps and measures surrounded her beautiful sleeping self, the ways her friends said goodbye astounded my heart. The words, tears, and one day, the day before she was going to die, the songs sung. Quiet choruses of 5 or 6 girls singing ERi home. They sang Marly and Janis Joplin, they sang all of her favorite songs. Jonathan and I holding each other and weeping. when we left that room that evening after the songs, the nurses were crying too, and hugged all of the kids.

Maybe the photos have to be made smaller before being added?

[ericasmom]

I wrote this a few years after Erica left this life for the next.

Sing her Home

Sing her home before she dies

Your familiar voices will carry her there

Singing her home amid our cries

One last song that we can share.

Years later, these songs I will harken

And I am listening for your voices

As the sun sets and skies darken

One more song, so many choices.

You sang her home before she died,

Cradled in your tender trilling

She took comfort there as we cried

One last song…so fulfilling.

Thank you for your music then,

Clear notes of ache and loss and heart,

I will remember over and again,

That final day and how you all took part.

Dee Conmy

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, such a lovely tribute. How wonderful that Eri was surrounded by so much love and support. Today we woke up to lovely clear blue skies. Temps are ok...but could be warmer. I'll take it...at least it is not raining. And my pots are hanging cheerfully soaking up the sunshine. Today will be another quiet one. My husband is pretty tired for our outing yesterday. We did have a lovely time and the croissant this morning with homemade jam was soooo good! Along with freshly squeezed juice it was perfect. Well worth the drive. Had a surprise visit from a friend last night. He brought his pictures from his trip to Hawaii this winter. (all 600) The good news is that he had deleted 300... so it actually went fairly quickly. Only 3 hours! Today I am a little blurry eyed! It did look lovely and we enjoyed his company. Have a peaceful day everyone. Kate

[tobyfreefoot]

jeez dee you are a genius! got to go to bed coz i have to get up early to have a conversation with marshall about his grades. he just lost his scholarship and i don't think i can pay for his tuition so i will post from my trip when i have time. this is refreshed roadside memorial. i made a new wreath and put up the pics. i also put 20 dragonfly lights in the rocks. someone left some indian beadwork and some buttons. love to all. nite nite

[Mermaid Tears]

jeez dee you are a genius! got to go to bed coz i have to get up early to have a conversation with marshall about his grades. he just lost his scholarship and i don't think i can pay for his tuition so i will post from my trip when i have time. this is refreshed roadside memorial. i made a new wreath and put up the pics. i also put 20 dragonfly lights in the rocks. someone left some indian beadwork and some buttons. love to all. nite nite

Gretchen...you personify 'love creates'....where is the Memorial...I guess I have missed some postings...(not really sure of just where on the map everyone lives)...how close or far is the Memorial...was the beautiful girl his girlfriend.?? What a striking handsome SONshine...your son lost his scholarship ?? Is it because of all the grief ? Can you talk to the school and ask for him to be put on probation.?? Sometimes counselors at school can learn of certain factors in a student's life that can prompt a review....you have enough on your plate....give it a try....shine the light in every corner...let us hear.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....you wrote another page for me and others to learn more about Eri's 'going to her place of many mansions'....when I look back I wonder how...just how I could do it all....and you....walking those halls with amazing Grace...maybe God's Love is embracing us with such power that we can do those things far above a human reach...

[ericasmom]

Susan, it felt like God did fill me in those days, letting me know that this was a step to letting Erica go, that she would indeed be going, that I had to keep moving in it all, and that in a few days, the sense of loss would be infused in me, the reality of her departure would change me everlastingly, but that in it all, She would be with me and all I could do was move with the wave of changes upon us. I could not pull her out of the change, I always knew we could not go back a few minutes and make it different.

So yes, I do feel that the spirit that surrounded me in that time was God, was heavenly, and gave me what I needed in order to walk through that threshold time and again to that little girl with dreadlocks and large hands, creamy skin, a sprinkle of freckles across her nose knowing I could not make it different.

Gretchen, I love the memorial along the roadside. It is beautiful, The kids smiling out and holding us with their pretty eyes. I hope that Marshall can find ways to either stay in school or make some arrangements for the following semester. What is he taking and will they allow his scholarship to continue with some stipulations? Can he handle the stress of it right now? Keep us posted.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Mermaid Tears]

As you so put it all in words....there is that time in space where we know...we have 'no choice' and when we surrender...His Love...His Power...His Grace infuses us...and we are 'One' ...with All ...the beginning...the middle...the 'infinite'....there is not an 'End'....we put our face to the Sun...and carry on...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[mikesmum]

It has been awhile since I ventured onto to this site. I see familiar faces and I smile. These are face I think of when I think of Micheal. These are the kids that he hangs with now. These are the mums and dads that wrapped me in understanding when all else was gone.

Tomorrow is Micheals 38th birthday.....I am in that funk we all go into when birthdays, anniversaries and milestones are upon us.

It's amazing to see the constant and positive support here.

Mother Earth - Dee.

My Wisconsin Friend - Colleen

The other mikesmomrs - Carol

So many more that welcome the newbies and give them a sense of 'normality' were outside this site there is none.

For Micheal - Evanescence was one of his favourites...this tells it all for me

[JD's Mom, Becky]

It's a Monday, and the 3rd of the month...20 months today, Jared. I Love U and miss you so much!

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I am thrilled to see your words, the face of your Sweet Micheal, and just to know you are out there keepin-on. I love you my Aussie Sister and I send my hope and my prayers for Mike's birthday to lend you some amazing visits from your Boy.

[shellykut]

Happy Heavenly Birthday tomorrow Michael Shane! Trudi - prayers to you as you face another of these hard days.

Becky - thinking of you at this mark in time.

Gretchen - beautiful roadside memorial.

I would like to address more of you on this site, but I'm really struggling and find if hard to retain what I read. Prayers to all!

[tobyfreefoot]

23 months today for me becky.

trudi-nice to see you. evanescence was one of forest's favorites too. i gave all his evanescence concert t's to the girl that went with him to them.

mermaid tears-that is forest's girlfriend in the pic that died also. the memorial is at the rest stop (picnic area) just west of vega, tx. i live in oklahoma south of shawnee

dee-marshall is apparently severely depressed. said he doesn't care about anything. hasn't even played a video game in months. just sleeps all the time. got straight f's with 130+ i.q.

he is going to see if they will let him enroll on academic probation. he can earn the scholarship back after a semester if he gets his grades up. looking for a counselor and shrink for him.

only wildflowers growing here were right next to where the crash took out the curb

[Mermaid Tears]

Today is Monday....the 3rd of the month....10 months have passed...and for a tiny ...little sliver of space...I felt you near me...John David...I pray you are walking in lush green forests...beside the sparkling...clean..waters...or on sandy shores...am sure they have oceans in heaven....for mermaids have to have a place to go when they pass.....we celebrated Pebbie's 10 birthday yesterday...and of course, I was missing your handsome self....then a song from Levon came singing into my thoughts...(so random)..."The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down"....was thinking you and him were hanging out and decided to 'sing' it to me...

[Mermaid Tears]

Trudi....will pray that your SONshine will give you a special message on a day that brings another crack in an already Mom's broken heart...

Gretchen....of course that brother is depressed ....the young don't have the maturity or coping skills...I do believe they grieve in places so deep...and raw....(look at us..and we are supposed to be the 'Adults that have the answers).....it is a very fine line I walk with my adult children and GRANDchildren when it comes to John David.....one point here....when Daniel had his angiogram and the Dr. came out to tell us that they found 4 blockages...and would have to perform open heart surgery....my daughter, Randa...(she has a Journalism degree from U of Hawaii...and then decided to become a nurse...smart..savvy..etc)....fell apart...I mean she had this melt down..and I had to 'care and comfort her'....and when my other sons came to the hospital...you could cut the air with a knife...so many layers of emotion and grief and anxiety...and as I have said before...I had to move my 'grief' over to comfort and be there for them...there is always so much going on below the surface...and I am still their Mama...and they are still my 'children'...and they need my attention now...in a different capacity...on another level...for they are in deep water, too....learning how to swim...that is why I need to stand up and get myself out there ..even when all I want to do is 'cocoon'...this site is so important to me and my day to day thoughts...for I have to have a circle of people that understands...

yes Laurie....we can all recognize that 'zombie' feeling....maybe it is a protective aura that we need....let us all hear what you are thinking..and we will 'hold you' ....

many of us here have the '3rd' as a very hard date....

[mysonrich]

Susan, I remember that song.

Gretchen, it wasn't that long ago that I had a chance to look at photos of my daughter, Sarah that were taken during the year after Rich died. I see a smile but the eyes. Oh her eyes are so full of pain. She has/had the support of many friends but , you can see her grief. Shortly after Rich died we had to make a decison about something. Who knows now what. Sarah looked at me and said, " mom, I just thought we should call Rich. He would know". I still do that to this day with Rich and my sister. As if... It is so very hard for them, brothers and sisters. Sounds like a good plan you have for Marshall. The memorial is very nice and I agree, very well taken care of.

Sherry, how are you?

Trudi, I have missed your handsome son and yes, its very nice to see you both today.

Kate, your company and his visit made me smile. My grandparents went on many trips and my grandfather was a photographer. We would have slide shows. They were fun but boy, sometimes we looked at just one too many flower shots.

Dee, very touching and beutiful poems of and about Erica. I hope you are well and holding on to us and the help of the people that have been there for you in the past.

Brenda I still can not get a picture of that orange and black bird in the yard. He/she is just so fast !

Colleen, keeping Brain and Brain close in my thoughts as well as your entire family

[mysonrich]

I'd like to share good news of Sarah with you all. She will be graduating with her Masters in Education in just 2 short weeks. I am so happy for her as she continues to make her way in life. Her way.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, what nice news for us all to hear, thanks for sharing. Give that girl a hug from me. Go teachers!

To all those who look at this date and feel that ache, I am so sorry. I know you are counting time, we can't help but do so. Know you are loved both from the other side and from right here in this family.

[Guest]

.

[ericasmom]

You did it sweet Lora, you made it through this tough time, with your pretty Momma next to you and handsome Son. The tree is lovely, stands and grows to be home to birds and insects and give life. I am proud of you.

[Jeff's Mom]

Lora,what a beautiful tribute to a beautiful daughter... and to Bobby. So glad that the day went well. How nice that you were surrounded by loving family. Betsy, terrific news about your Sarah! Trudi, I will be thinking of you tomorrow on this special day. I have often wondered how you are doing. Miss your pics. Dee, hope you are finally starting to wind down after a busy school year.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Guest]

.

[summergirl]

Happy Heavenly Birthday sweet Micheal Shane....butterfly kisses for your beautiful mum.....

[summergirl]

Dear Sweet Friends - been awhile since I have been here...much going on in this life and seems like there is no time to take a breath. Extremely busy at work as they have me doing "extra" work each day, computer down since last Thursday and that is where 90% of my work is done - yet they want it done...REALLY??? Trying to get ready for Tavian to go to camp, a new one this year which I think will be great for him. Packing the house up to get ready to move and then all of the usual day to day - I am exhausted and summer has just begun. Have also been to the dentist every week which is a one hour drive away, serious work being done, looks great but I am NOT A FAN of going to the dentist so the anxiety kicks in....yikes I need a vacation. Tavian is doing wonderful and growing so fast, 3" taller than me now, tallest in his class, well actually the whole school !! He is at the age of one minute he loves me to pieces and I am the best ever and the next he does not want to talk to me becuz I do not understand anything...ahhhh the age of puberty... I have not done any yard work as we are moving but my Jessica Garden is as beautiful as ever - the baby frog from last summer stayed through the winter and is now a big froggie, Jessica loved her frogs so I believe. All of the water lilies bloomed yellow, her favorite color. Well, my friend Linda whom I have been close to for a very long time has decided that "there is too much drama in my life so she needs to not spend so much time with me" !!! This is what she told my hubby and of course swore him to secrecy - she did not even have the decency to talk to me face to face......I was stunned and hurt but I got over it real quick because I don't believe she has even begun to see the amount of drama I can cause !! What is it, I talk about my Jessica too much ? I talk about the ups and downs of raising your grandson and pray you are doing all you can to raise him the way his mom would have?? To tell you the truth I just don't give a damn about why she feels the way she does...I live my life for me, my hubby and Tavian and I do not need anyone to approve or disapprove so you can accept me for what I am or move on down the road.... Wow that felt good to get out and thank you for listening. I miss you my friends but I know where you all are whenever I need to talk. I pray for all, always keep you in my heart and still say your Angel's names out loud.... I will be back more often to talk and get to know those new here - Peace, Love and Strength, Kathy - Jessica's Mom Always The pictures are my grandson Joshia walking in the park, Tavian and his best friend Damien, The beautiful water lilies in the pond and our friend the frog who loves the pond....

[hotrod]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHEAL

Dear Trudi,

You are in my thoughts today. I pray that Michael touch you with th warmth of his spirit and the sweet "rememories" of him.

[ericasmom]

Micheal Shane- Son, Father, Brother, Friend-Handsome Man,

Happy Birthday to you Sweetheart, and may each of those missing you feel your presence on YOUR special day, sweep into their space leaving the sense of you to make the day feel right. Help where you can Dear Micheal.

Mom needs a big hug from you, so make sure you go there first.

Trudi, I miss you my Girl, but I am holding your hand just as you are holding mine.

[Fergi]

It's been almost 2 years since my Rebekah was killed Aug 23, 2011 was when my nightmare began. Yesterday was her birthday she would have been 33 years old. My heart is broken I miss her so much. I want to wrap my arms around her and give her a big hug and kiss. They wouldn't let me touch her when I went to the hospital to I.D. her; I didn't get to really say good bye to her. I cry every day nothing seems to matter anymore. It seems like every movie or show has some kind of death in it especially hit by a car which was how my lovely daughter died. They say that with time it won't hurt as bad but I don't believe it because this is the worst pain I have ever had. Child birth was easier than this pain.

[mysonrich]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Micheal ! Trudi, on this day may you smile at Mikes antics. His words and actions that allow his brightness to shine and this sweet memory , he's “ being “ here, always.

[mysonrich]

It's been almost 2 years since my Rebekah was killed Aug 23, 2011 was when my nightmare began. Yesterday was her birthday she would have been 33 years old. My heart is broken I miss her so much. I want to wrap my arms around her and give her a big hug and kiss. They wouldn't let me touch her when I went to the hospital to I.D. her; I didn't get to really say good bye to her. I cry every day nothing seems to matter anymore. It seems like every movie or show has some kind of death in it especially hit by a car which was how my lovely daughter died. They say that with time it won't hurt as bad but I don't believe it because this is the worst pain I have ever had. Child birth was easier than this pain.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Rebekah ! May your Mom feel your spirit today in a hope to heal her shattered heart. Let her know that you will see her later .

[ericasmom]

REBEKAH- Happy BIrthday Sweet Girl, send your love and peace to your aching Momma and let her begin to feel the tiny shred of hope that is possible even in this loss. Let her feel your presence on this and each day.

Newbie, we really understand the absolute empty aching feeling of each day, please come back and read and post whenever you want and let us know more about Rebekah and about you. We lost Eri nearly 10 years ago, it does take time to feel the sunlight again, but I can't help but think that your Beautiful Daughter wants nothing more than for you to stand and live where she cannot. In fact, I bet she is smiling at the fact that you reached out here on her birthday. That is hope.

[Guest]

...

[Guest]

.....

[Mermaid Tears]

Dear Fergi...We on this site...do understand that kind of hurtful pain...it is a travel kind...just goes on and on...and we understand how you miss your beautiful Rebekah...she is not 'gone'...she has just 'gone before you'....Happy Heavenly Birthday to her....you are remembering the day she was placed in your arms...and now you hold her in your heart...please tell us about her...and about your journey...we do walk in your shoes...

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....was thinking about you yesterday....and sending you a prayer for your strength to put on foot in front of the other...and feel His Arms around you...thank you for sharing that photo.....I see a very handsome SONshine boy there....and I see you shining through...and your arm around your Mom....we know that 'dreaded' feeling of 'not wanting to go...or have a reason to go'....but we know on another level...we need to 'show up'...your Mom has a shattered heart for Cara...and we know her heart aches for your pain....and...this is one time...Mom cannot fix it or make it better. Thank you for sharing about the other Angels...was their family there ?

Sometimes....I get this 'portal' that opens...and a memory comes back...that I would not have been able to remember if I sat on a couch for 5 days to try and remember.....I do believe that 'memory' of Cara on the rock was 'sent'....to give you that smile...a 'hug from heaven'...for our Angels want us to be reminded of the happiness and joy in life. I have always loved trees...one day my Grama and I were picking pecans on their land....she looked at me and pointed to a mass of huge oaks and pecan trees....and said..."Man cannot build Cathedrals as great as those trees"....I was only 8 years old..but have never forgotten that. May the tree grow straight and tall....and give shade and protection to all who gather underneath.

We here know you have a 'Angel date' coming up....and we are holding you in our hearts....

[tobyfreefoot]

sorry a day late but Happy Birthday Micheal!

also Happy Birthday Rebekah!

fergi my son and his girlfriend were killed in a car wreck july 3rd, 2011, less than two months before your much loved daughter. he was 28 then. he would be 30 now. i was not allowed to see my son for three days and then his face was covered from just below his eyes. i don't know why i did not have to identify him. i did wrap my arms around him in the casket. i don't know why they can impose so many rules upon us concerning our own children. my friend had to file for guardianship of her daughter after she died to file a lawsuit. they said she was no longer her parent. bleahh. i hope you will post some pics of your daughter and tell us all about her. here you can say anything you want and talk about rebekah all the time and we will all be happy to listen. do come back. i found this place to be one of the only comforts out there.