Loss of an Adult Child

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Congratulations to Dee on this new arrival of joy! I saw this story on Guideposts and immediately thought of you and this new gift of life:

For Erica Elizabeth

When You Are Closest to God

By Trudy Harris, February 18, 2013

I have often felt that people have control over when they “let go.” When they sense everything is in order, when have made amends to God, family and friends, when everyone is ready to let them go, when they have completed their tasks here on Earth, they simply go on to God.

Melody had a special “glimpse of heaven” like this when her dad died. He had just been put into hospice care and was expected to live a few weeks. Her mom had asked him to give her a sign when he was ready to step into heaven and when he saw Jesus.

The next morning, she was taking a short nap and when she awoke, she went into his room. Sensing she was there, he raised his arms to the sky, letting her know that it was time, and died.

Years later, Melody’s mother was dying of cancer and the end seemed near. She told Melody that she had seen her name in the “big white book” and knew it was time to go. She died very soon after.

“Everyone in the room felt the presence of angels, just as I did,” Melody said. “You are closest to God at the birth of a new baby and the death of a loved one.” It is amazing how often nurses write to tell me the very same thing; they sense the sacred in a clear and palpable way that cannot be denied. You stand on holy ground when you are with loved ones as they enter heaven.

[daveydow1]

Laurie----Thanks so much for the beautiful writing. So inspiring.

Betsy----Lovely flowers you picked! I, so, understand your lack

of extra energy right now. Sometimes we just get down in that

dip, and find it a bit difficult to refresh ourselves....I know. Not

warm enough here for getting flowers for pots & planters yet.

Can't wait for it to warm up some. Weather forecast says it is

to warm up next week.......they've been saying that......so far not

too much warmth. Thanks for the pics.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY,........ANDREW.

Ann------Thinking of you today, and sending prayers on your

dear Amdrew's birthday. Peace & comfort, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Congratulations Shannon and Jon! Dee, a beautiful gift. ! A warm welcome to Erica Elizabeth .

Rhonda, it's nice to see handsome Westley. I think about the passing of time too. Sarah just turned 27. Rich would be 25 this year. I see pictures of his classmates and notice that the youngness, the look of their faces no longer holds the softness of a late teen/early twenty year old. I guess that as we live on more and more will become apparent to us. The changes. The sameness. It's good to hear CJ is working out and fitting in.

Sherry, I picked up plants today. Yesterday was not a good day and I needed to look beyond the day and find something to brighten my day. Erica Elizabeth was number 1.

I went to a local nursery and choose Indigo Moon first. Torenia hybrida. Orange sunset and Noa yellow for starters. The blue for Rich and the yellow for Sarah.

Finding sadness in my little corner of the world . Human nature. Sometimes respect, a true desire to understand does not help the one extending the hand of friendship. Taking a stand takes energy I don't seem to have a whole lot of extra anymore. Emotionally draining I just figured I'd pick flowers.

Leah, Maryann in Delaware, Amy, Betty,Becky,Gretchen, Carol,Karen,Kathy, Tanners mom,Colleen,Del,Kate,Jesse Davids mom, all that have come before me and those after, I guess we all sit together .

Betsy, you are a sweetie! Thanks for the pics of the flowers. And you are so good at remembering names. Well, you know me. Today was a crazy day but it had a good ending. So, I'll go with that. How nice to be able to live in an area that you can actually begin to focus on your gardening. For me I have a ton of things in starter trays, etc. I am sure that when it does come it will be really nice very quickly. Your plants look top notch. They are going to grow and thrive and give you a lot of pleasure. The day turned out finally to be decent. The snow stopped and the sun came out. It actually went up to 3C or about 37F. As I parked the car a piliated woodpecker was pecking at a tree across the road. This bird is truly magnificent. Anyway, that robin has headed south because I have not seen him since that day. Just too chilly. The visit to the hospital went actually quite well. The emergency was not too busy. We decided to bypass the entire area and headed to the surgical ward. It proved to be the right move. They took him immediately and we are now at home with a list of instructions that he must abide by. He is a very impatient man and a poor patient. Always trying to do stuff he should not be doing. I planted him in his favourite chair and he watched the end of the Jets game. We won! So, he is a happy camper at this point. Thinking of everyone and sending love. Kate

[ericasmom]

Betsy, with the busy times around here, Great niece born on Wednesday, the 3rd, my Eri's birthday on the 4th, and labor beginning later on that same day, and the 5th, a beautiful child is born...well I did not acknowledge your pretty flowers, johhny-ump-ups we used to call those pretty purples. Nice to look forward to their growth. Watching Rich's friends grow older is a bittersweet endeavor, I know for me watching ERi's friends get married or have children, or simply just living their lives, they are 29 now, catches me in off guard sometimes. They have changed and grown into full adults and I love being around them. I am sorry that sadness has crept into your world right now, but thrilled that Erica Elizabeth was able to give you some goodness, she is doing that for me as well.

Betty, I don't know if I acknowledged your wishes for ERi's birthday either, so thank you so much. Are you still enjoying going for bagels and coffee and walking through Central Park? I hold very dear memories of being in your Fair City.

It is warm and high winds, upwards to 38 mph. I am going out for a walk as I have not walked in two days, other than to pace like a crazy cheetah yesterday. I am home from the hospital this eve, the family is doing nicely. I got to hold our little Pumpkin for two hours and watch her many faces as she slept. I sat with my son while Shan took a little nap, and we enjoyed a quiet time talking parenting and hopes. I feel so glad for his smiling heart, for the unity of this lovely threesome.

I will check in later, hope that all is good.

[ericasmom]

Andrew, sweep across the Heavens in your beautiful celebration of your Birthday. Make sure that you sit near your Momma today and let her feel your presence. Know that while she aches in ways unknowable to others, she will always treasure the day that brought You to Her.

Anne, we are holding you close as you find your way through this myriad of emotions that are the birthdays of our Angels.

[tobyfreefoot]

dee what beautiful timing!! eri still has her own special day while helping usher in her name sake!

kate so glad to hear your poor patient is a happy camper at the moment!!!

betsy i almost bought some of those johnny jump ups but not sure if we will have another freeze. where are you living and were those outside?

a young woman 29 was here today as bobby's friend's date. she told me of her friend buried with no headstone. was thinking we could get a large ceramic or granite tile and paint on it and lay it deep enough that they could mow over it. do you think this would work? any ideas? the girl hasn't got a job or money but hates that her friend has just had a plastic plate for 5 years.

[Guest]

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[shorty16]

Dee

Wow, you are a grandma! Erica Elizabeth . Our angels are rejoicing....we are too.

Colleen, Brian's mom 4ever

[ericasmom]

Hey Gretchen and Col, yep a Grandgirl so pretty, so dear that my whole self is smiling. Thanks so much for the good thoughts.

Gretchen, is the cemetery going to allow a stone being put in without it being from a local grave stone maker? If so, then by all means, I think you could use Lora's idea and do that. How nice that you looked that up Lora.

Kate, patient doing better now? Is he following directions?

[Sholl1955]

I have shared with my friends here that my youngest daughter has struggled with the loss of her sister and has pulled away from me. We have always been a very close family and have always been able to work through things. Over the past few months she has only communicated with short texts She has now told me that she doesn't want me at the hospital when my first Grandson is born in June. She also informed me that she feels no close emotional connection to me now and is getting the support she needs from my sister ( who has also pulled away from me.) I truly have no clue why, however I vow from this point on that I will not mention my sweet Sarah to anyone but hold her in my heart and put on the front that others want to see. I have lost both of my daughters and the pain is beyond description. Thank you all for your kindness and support. Your support of the past year has been a lifesaver.

Sandy

[ericasmom]

Sandy, my heart breaks for you with this latest news. Is there nothing she can tell you here to at least make some sense of this pulling away? What about your sister? Has she pulled away due to your daughter's issues or is she not able to be near you while you grieve?

I am so very sorry Sandy, I just don't get it. Do they not see the ache this is causing you and if not why not?

I am sending some prayers for your Daughter to find in her heart what is needed for repair.

[tobyfreefoot]

sandy i know your heart must be breaking. for quite a while i could not mention my son's name around my youngest son. pretty much he did not want to be around me. things are better now but he would not attend the birthday celebration i had for forest. i also try not to talk about forest so much around my kids because my girlfriend is estranged from her living daughter who felt abandoned in her grief. i don't know your situation but i am sure it is agonizing for you. i am soo sorry.

[mikesmomrs]

Sandy...so very sorry for all this that is happening. I just don't understand the workings of people's minds sometimes. You are in my prayers and sending hugs to you. I agree with Dee..."Do they not see the ache this is causing you and if not why not?"

[tobyfreefoot]

lora thanks! just checked the site looks great!

[ericasmom]

Sherry, the sun is out though windy and partly cloudy, big storm last evening at around 10:00, but now the daffodils are about an inch taller than yesterday with the rain. I looked out at the yard this morn and there was a big fat opossum.So cute, she waddled off. Have you seen your little silver haired friend this week?

To All, hoping that this week brings you some good news, some sense of goodness and hope. In those dark corners of our hearts/minds, let the light shine in.

DEl and Susan, how is the weather down Texas way? I hope the weekend is offering some relaxation if possible. Sometimes it is there for the taking but our too-busy inner-selves cannot use it.

Sandy, how is your Husband? Your Grandgirls? Is your job going well?

[Mermaid Tears]

Sandy....I am touched in a very deep and hurting spot for you...I need to ponder on this awhile....so many things come up to the top....it is as if you are being 'held hostage'....and until you change...(that is the ransom)....you will not be released.....for now...many on this site will relate to your situation....for it seems to be a common thread for many...each of us are unique...have different situations...different family dynamics...from all parts of the country....but on a few subjects...there is that common ground....I want to 'think before I share' my thoughts but know you have a lot of people that have their arms and prayers around you and our hearts are hurting for your broken heart.

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Dee....am I happy for you and that Baby Girl....I have 14 GRANDchildren....and only 3 GRANDdaughters....like I said...little girls are a rare thing in our family....just think of all the PINK POWER that is going to come through the heavens and from Eri....and you will have such a fun and wonderful time with that Baby Girl...the weather in our part of Texas has been simply gorgeous...the Bluebonnets are putting on quite a show for we got some good rain in the Fall which is the biggest factor in our Wildflowers in the spring....I 'looked' around the other day and wondered 'why' I hadn't done my usual Spring chores...then it came to me..."Oh yes, I lost John David"....isn't that the strangest thing ? I know I am not 'losing it' for I am conducting my business just fine...(I own a small apartment complex)....it just hasn't been 'front and center'.....was thinking about what Kate had posted about getting a 'simpler' way of life....I really don't know....will keep this 'holding pattern' and shake the box and see where everything lands....

I am so very concerned at what Sandy posted....just breaks my heart when someone who is simply dealing with grief...gets a 'stomach punch' from a family member....doubles you up for sure.

[Jeff's Mom]

Sandy, I am so sorry that you are having to endure this difficult time with your daughter. At this crucial time when you need all the TLC that can be found you now have this heartache. How sad not to be able to mention your daughter. I am in the same boat. Some are lucky t have the love and support of caring family and friends. Others.....well, not so much. That is not a direct refection on who you are. But it does speak volumes about them. You do know you have this place to talk and vent in whatever way you fee a need for that day. At least here you will not be judged. Do try to stay strong and don't lose heart. With luck in time all will be resolved. Dee, daffodils....my goodness. Such a cheerful little flower and the sure sign that spring has arrived. I have had to remove the tops from my starter trays as all plants are growing too quickly. Sherry, you are so right that we can't control our weather. Sorry that you have had such a difficult time on the farm these past couple of years. I am sure it must be quite worrisome. Are you still painting? I envy anyone with that natural talent. Apart from gulls, geese, a hawk, and one robin....I think that is about all I have seen. The pileated woodpecker lives here all winter. They are actually a deep woods bird and have a distinctive call. Quite beautiful with their large bodies(the size of a large crow) and full red head and neck. They can actually do some significant damage to the trees however. Well, we had a bad night. I finally had to sleep in another room. Afraid we are going to have to skip church today. He is definitely not feeling very well. It is cloudy and mild today. Hope to take a short walk and then dig into my book. I'm afraid to leave him for long as I almost have to sit on him to get him to rest. Thinking of everyone today. Kate

[Sholl1955]

Thank you all for your kind, loving words of support and for your prayers. Please forgive me if I cannot respond to each of you right now. I feel as if I have been thrust back into that deep dark hole again and will have to fight my way to the top again. I would like to disappear, but can't do that. My granddaughters and husband depend on me and I will continue for them. My job is good for me as I can work and be in an environment where I am confident and touch the lives of those who need understanding.

Today my little girls are with us and they are ministering to my hearting heart just by the innocence and love that children can give. Dee you have wonderful days ahead with your new grandaughter.

I think we will go to lunch, just to get out of house.

Have a good Sunday.

Sandy

[Sholl1955]

Thank you all for your kind, loving words of support and for your prayers. Please forgive me if I cannot respond to each of you right now. I feel as if I have been thrust back into that deep dark hole again and will have to fight my way to the top again. I would like to disappear, but can't do that. My granddaughters and husband depend on me and I will continue for them. My job is good for me as I can work and be in an environment where I am confident and touch the lives of those who need understanding.

Today my little girls are with us and they are ministering to my hearting heart just by the innocence and love that children can give. Dee you have wonderful days ahead with your new grandaughter.

I think we will go to lunch, just to get out of house.

Have a good Sunday.

Sandy

[ericasmom]

Sandy, I am glad that the girls can bring in that honest and pure love back to you today.

Love bluebonnets! Enjoy that weather and those flowers. I bought some purple pansies today for our Little Girl, will go there later when they are up for visits. Made them soup, turkey meatball and escarole with orzo. Will make them a chicken dish as well and a salad and some cranberry muffins are in the oven. Just some healthy grab and eat foods.

[halcottgirl368]

Hi everyone, it has been quite some time since I have been here. It seems like I just can't bring myself to log on. It is still so hard for me. I finally broke down and put the obit in my local newspaper last week, and I now know it is real and every day now seems like February 2. I also feel so angry at myself, because I wasn't strong enough to deal with her addiction. I loved her so much but I hated the drugs. And now I hate myself. I don't know how or if I am ever going to get thru this.

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy, so very sorry you are going through this...I know that this can be a very difficult road, especially if we are feeling that we "should have" done differently...I have some of the same problems, though for now he is getting help and seems to be doing okay, but the fear is always there. Holding you close in love and prayers. don't know what is wrong with my posting ability on this site...can't hit "return"...it goes nowhere, can't use color. I have told Eric about the color, hopefully things will get fixed.

[mikesmomrs]

I did want to share something that happened with my grandson yesterday. He was here (he's 8) for two overnights, and we have been trying to finish putting our "messages" on the Red Sox windsock for the cemetery for his dad and papa, now together forever. We did the windsock for his dad the summer before last, but before we could get it put up last year, my husband was put into the hospital, and never came back home except the day before he died. So, we are adding messages to "Papa" on it this year. Damon has not talked much about his papa being gone, and he spent a LOT of time with him, especially since he had never know his daddy. Damon is a very matter-of-fact person, and having dealt with not having his dad since he was 18 months, understands somewhat about it. However, the only time he seemed to mention his papa was if I mentioned it. Yesterday, when he was here, I showed him the windsock and asked if he wanted to write a message to papa to add to the one he did last year for his dad. (last year he wrote, I LOVE YOU DAD. MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU ALWAYS!" to his papa he wrote: Dear papa: I miss you soooooooooo much and I love you sooooooooo much and if we could be would bring you back, we would. Sighned, Damon." I had to fight back the tears. I love the "Sighned"...an "accidental" revelation...as he sighed when he signed his name... Sad as it was, I was glad to hear that he did indeed miss him. (boy, it is aggravating that I can't hit "return" to start a new paragraph.) Anyway, everyone except young Mike's oldest, is here for a delayed Easter dinner today. We are getting ready to eat, then going up to the cemetery to hang the windsock. I hope you all have had a decent weekend. yesterday was beautiful but cold, and today started out cloudy and raw but the sun has finally come out, though cold and windy still. I will try to post a picture of the windsock when it is done.

[ericasmom]

Carol, I am glad that your Boy is acknowledging his love for Grandpa. It must feel good for him to release some of that pent up love/loss. Maybe he would do well to have miss you Grandpa journal, or Look at me grow Grandpa journal. HE can log in his latest accomplishments and memories knowing that Grandpa is watching over him.

[Jeff's Mom]

Gretchen...is it possible to somehow go out to a beach or rocky area nearby and bring back a large rock or boulder. I'm not talking monumental size, but decent enough to make a statement. Then they could have a small name plate engraved and attached with a dedication. The beauty is in the heartfelt written tribute. That lasts forever.

[Jeff's Mom]

I did want to share something that happened with my grandson yesterday. He was here (he's 8) for two overnights, and we have been trying to finish putting our "messages" on the Red Sox windsock for the cemetery for his dad and papa, now together forever. We did the windsock for his dad the summer before last, but before we could get it put up last year, my husband was put into the hospital, and never came back home except the day before he died. So, we are adding messages to "Papa" on it this year. Damon has not talked much about his papa being gone, and he spent a LOT of time with him, especially since he had never know his daddy. Damon is a very matter-of-fact person, and having dealt with not having his dad since he was 18 months, understands somewhat about it. However, the only time he seemed to mention his papa was if I mentioned it. Yesterday, when he was here, I showed him the windsock and asked if he wanted to write a message to papa to add to the one he did last year for his dad. (last year he wrote, I LOVE YOU DAD. MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU ALWAYS!" to his papa he wrote: Dear papa: I miss you soooooooooo much and I love you sooooooooo much and if we could be would bring you back, we would. Sighned, Damon." I had to fight back the tears. I love the "Sighned"...an "accidental" revelation...as he sighed when he signed his name... Sad as it was, I was glad to hear that he did indeed miss him. (boy, it is aggravating that I can't hit "return" to start a new paragraph.) Anyway, everyone except young Mike's oldest, is here for a delayed Easter dinner today. We are getting ready to eat, then going up to the cemetery to hang the windsock. I hope you all have had a decent weekend. yesterday was beautiful but cold, and today started out cloudy and raw but the sun has finally come out, though cold and windy still. I will try to post a picture of the windsock when it is done.

Carol, thinking of you as you enjoy your precious times with your loved ones. Hope your Easter dinner was terrific! I too am not able to make a new paragraph. Drives me nuts...I just go with it. Everyone here knows me.

[Guest]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Hi everyone, it has been quite some time since I have been here. It seems like I just can't bring myself to log on. It is still so hard for me. I finally broke down and put the obit in my local newspaper last week, and I now know it is real and every day now seems like February 2. I also feel so angry at myself, because I wasn't strong enough to deal with her addiction. I loved her so much but I hated the drugs. And now I hate myself. I don't know how or if I am ever going to get thru this.

I don't know if anyone responded to you about the cremation jewelry, but I found this site

http://www.perfectmemorials.com/cylinder-cremation-jewelry-c-288.html

Necklaces start at about $20.

My mom went through losing my sister to drug related causes. I knew my sister did not want to keep in that lifestyle but just lacked the strength to walk away. She got addicted when she was young about 16 years old. She stayed that way until she died at age 43.

My sister was killed in 2002 by being run over by a freeway entrance ramp. Supposedly she was trying to get downtown Milwaukee to try and hang with some of her druggie friends. But I don't know this for sure one way or another. She was ran over three times before the last driver stopped on the road. The first driver ran her over and knew she hit a person and ran. My parents were never compensated.

At the time I don't think I understood everything my mom was going through and had gone through. She had lost an infant boy at birth in 1962 or so. My dad was so mean to her after the baby died that she completely lost it and had to be put in a mental institution for awhile.

Later I found out that my infant brothers' month/day of death was the same as my sister's momth/day of death. I have never told her that since I feel it would be too upseting.

Then 8 days after my older sister died my younger sister was diagnosed with 3 pituitary tumors. It has been a roller coaster for her health ever since. Fortunately we were able to get her on SSI.

My dad was not exactly the nicest person to live with. I am not sure what my mom has had some much grief to live with while others in life seem to skate by.

I seem to be following in her steps since I also lost an infant boy and my 28 year old son by being ran over also. Fortunately my husband is good to me.

Anyways, I don't know other to say to you other than God loves you. My mom and I have been talking alot lately since the passing of my son, Jesse. My son told me the Saturday before he died that his life was going to be "SHORT". Somehow God told him, I am now beating myself up for not asking more questions. I can't tell you why I did not respond better or differently. I too am plagued with the feeling that if I could have done something different he would not have died. When I left that night from his home, I could not remember this conversation with him. It was not until the morning of his death - I remembered a bit of it, and the full conversation remained hidden from me for 3 weeks.

This is why I have been reading alot of Trudi Harris material because she talks about how people are prepared for their entry into eternity.

Going back to my sister, Julie, and her drug addiction, I am not sure how my mom dealt with it other to withdraw and only do simple things for a long time. She now lights a candle in remembrance for both my sister and Jesse and does her devotions. She also kept quite close to her own brothers and sisters which helped.

Also, I believe my sister had some idea she would pass before she did. I found cards that were meant for us that were not sent. I may send one of the Mother's day cards to my mom this year but not mention that Julie had intended it for her.

Even though Julie had gotten herself so messed up with drugs I still loved her as my sister and my mom still looked at her as her young daughter. I had adopted her infant son and raised him as my own. He is now 24 years.

I will pray for you during my devotion time tonight that Jesus may carry you though these difficult times. Like I said, I am not sure how my mom even made it through, at times I think she was very isolated. I am only sorry that so many mothers have these horrible, difficult paths to walk. I am not sure why.

Laurie, Jesse David's mom

Psalm 91:4

[Mike's dad]

I've heard from both my oldest and my ex wife over the weekend. Both very ugly phone calls... They both said it was to replace my son. How he would probably hate me for having another baby too.

I don't think so Mikey loved kids. He always played "army guys" with the boys in our family. My ex went so far as to say my son died because of me... Because I always use to tell him to look out for the other person. She said Mike only saved that boy in the explosion because of me...

My daughter just screamed bloody murder and said I'm the most horrible person in the world and she hopes something is wrong with the new baby...

It hurt, but everyone has their own opinions....

[ericasmom]

Mike's Dad, I am sorry that your Daughter is so upset and angry, though you figured she would have a hard hard time with this, you said that she has always had a difficult time with things. Your ex? Well it's too bad that she looks at things in this way, probably has something to do with she being an 'ex'. You see things very differently. I think that no matter what, a child is coming, and that is reason to be happy no matter the circumstances. Blessings to this Child. I do agree, your Mike is smiling with this news. He is saying, " life does go on Dad."

Jesse-David's Mom, your Mom has had a hard road, and you too, have had a hard road. I did not know that you took over the care of your nephew when your Sis died. Wow, how is he with the loss of Jesse? You have all traveled through some devastating times, the next few months will be difficult and painful as the shock wears away, so hold on and know that somehow, you are still here because you have more to do here. We don't know why, we just know it to be.

[ericasmom]

Kathy B. I am sorry for the terrible ways this loss feels, there is no way around the pain and the misery of it and so this piece of it right now is part of the process. The guilt, well, I wish I had a way around that too, but there isn't any. I guess what many of us do after a while is ask ourselves, does our Child want us to feel guilty? Probably not, and would we want them to feel guilty if the reverse situation happened. NO! It sounds like you did what you could when you could Kathy. THere are no guarantees in raising our kids, especially when drugs come into the picture. And taking drugs, well that is a crap shoot. I know plenty of folks that raised large families and small where one child just gets into it and the siblings never do. My nephew had/is addicted and it will be only time and his ability to stay clean that will decide his days. I pray like crazy, his Momma, my Sis, worries all the time, but this is addiction, an illness, and intervening is not always going to do it. I pray that the med world and psych world really find ways to help kids/adults with addiction to live clean, quit self-medicating.

We are holding you with our hope and our hearts.

Getting ready for a walk when a HUGE bolt of lightening said, " no no."

[mysonrich]

Windows 8 is a juggling act. I don't have font color either and it may be win8. I'm using Open Office Org, Oracle. Works great and it's free.

Gretchen, Pennsylvania Blue Stone is beautiful . It lays flat and is, as you can see, names and designs can be added. I used to ride by this place when visiting my mother. I'm sure you can find stone supply in your area.

http://www.endlessmountainstone.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Ahern.jpg

The flowers are from a nursery and in the house during the night for now. It was close to 80 today. These are planted yet but you get the idea. For the deck. Just tilt your head a little :-)

Lora, Myrtle Beach sounds great. I have never been but spent some time in OBX one summer.

Sandy, I'm sorry you are going through this with your daughter. I had a couple of rough years with my daughter too. Sometimes I think I expected so much from her without realizing how needy I was. There were times when our time spent together I came away very hurt and I'm sure she did as well. I guess it didn't help when I started to back away further out of my own fear , There is only so much one can take and in my case, or as I saw it in hindsight, desperately trying to hang on to what was once normal. And over compensating. There were a lot of other things in the mix and the day my brother said “ she isn't Rich”, I realized I was trying to replace him. 2 very different but alike people. The distance between us hurt, and it hurt bad. Sometimes it still does. But, we talk now and before, to lost to do so.

I had to take a couple of days off from work, Not because I wanted to but I felt I had to. Today I picked up the phone and called EAP and had a nice chat ending with a different outlook on a major culture shock I have been experiencing. I did share some of this before . I won't get into it now but what I had to do took a lot of energy after becoming upset over offensive remarks of my heritage and culture , again. I see things a bit clearer now and will try again.

That is something we all do here at BI. We keep trying again.

[Mermaid Tears]

When anyone on this site....can share their problems or history of their living children, family members...friends and neighbors....who have either been callous...rude...ill mannered...with their words or actions...can only help us...those in grief....better understand...or feel not so alone....in how to deal with these issues. We may not come up with the perfect answer....or how to solve it....but we can come together and help each other out.

[ericasmom]

Susan, as per usual, you have stated what is the crux of this place, the mission statement of sorts. You are very good at this Susan, putting into words what is currently most needed.

Betsy, it is good of you to share this about you and your Daughter. Our issues now more resolved are of interest to those new here. Your flowers are lovely, we hit 60 degrees today as well, the kids were ecstatic when I told them that they could go to recess in their shirt sleeves.

Spent some time after school with my little Love. I will post a photo as soon as I learn how. I used to post photos here but since we have a different camera and photo download, I am having trouble with finding out how to export a photo. ARGH.

I will try again tomorrow.

Love to All

[shorty16]

Mikes dad

There have been several people on this site that have either had or adopted another child. In no way, shape, or form does that new child replace the child they lost.

That is like saying to me.."you have another son". I love my youngest boy with all my heart, but he could NEVER take Brian's place.

Your family is hurting and they are directing their anger at you.

As for me, I pray this baby is happy and healthy.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Jesse-David's Mom, your Mom has had a hard road, and you too, have had a hard road. I did not know that you took over the care of your nephew when your Sis died. Wow, how is he with the loss of Jesse? You have all traveled through some devastating times, the next few months will be difficult and painful as the shock wears away, so hold on and know that somehow, you are still here because you have more to do here. We don't know why, we just know it to be.

I know I didn't make that part of the story reall clear but I actually had adopted my sister's infant son, Thomas, one year after my own infant son died of SIDS. It was scary since Thomas was also at high risk for SIDS because my sister was on methadone during the pregnancy and took other stuff. However after Thomas was born, my sister recognized pretty much right away she could not provide for him like we could. Thomas was about 14 years old when his real mom died but had lived with us always. Not that he didn't have his struggles with her passing though. He is trying to deal with Jesse's the best he can. I noticed he is a "grave tender" like myself. Some people have a hard time going to the graveside while others feel it is the one place here they can be close the what is left behind, even if the spirit is in heaven.

Kathy B. - My mom tried so hard to help my sister, in so many ways. I am sure you did the same for your daughter. My mother came from northern Wisconsin and grew up on a farm. Her family was good. But my sister just got hooked in the wrong crowd who introduced her to some wrong things at the wrong time and she just could not kick it. Drugs are a powerful master for some.

I can't help but think of Rev. Rick Warren who just lost his son this past weekend. His son shot himself due to extreme depression. So even in families with a tremendous support system something can just go wrong. Why? I don't think anyone can have an answer on why some individuals go on in life, even if they had obstacles, and why some just lose strength. I have always felt that God called my sister back to Himself so she could be healed.

Drug addiction is a terrible master, even with intervention, so many do not seem to break its grip.

One more thing, I met a young homeless young man today at a freeway exit ramp. I took one look at him and thought this young man needs a meal. I knew of a local homeless shelter in the area and gave him the address to that as well. He seemed so very confused and sad. I said I would pray for him tonight if any one else cares to join me. I don't know his name, but his guardian angel does.

Thanks to all who listen and who are my teachers in this grief journey.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I've heard from both my oldest and my ex wife over the weekend. Both very ugly phone calls... They both said it was to replace my son. How he would probably hate me for having another baby too.

I don't think so Mikey loved kids. He always played "army guys" with the boys in our family. My ex went so far as to say my son died because of me... Because I always use to tell him to look out for the other person. She said Mike only saved that boy in the explosion because of me...

My daughter just screamed bloody murder and said I'm the most horrible person in the world and she hopes something is wrong with the new baby...

It hurt, but everyone has their own opinions....

It would seem that your son, Mike, is a true hero and that we who are left behind for a short while can quietly honor your son's memory along with so many other soldiers that died. Let your son's death be what is truly is, he is a beautiful person that gave the greatest sacrifice who deserves our top most respect.

Perhaps it would be helpful to put his name in a Veteran's memorial park for soldiers. There is one here in Neillsville, WI called the Highground. However, there might be other places like this close to you where you could dedicate and remember him. Perhaps if Mike was recognized first it might be good???

There might be a fear of Mike being forgotten.

http://www.thehighground.org/

[Mom of Chip]

I have always felt that God called my sister back to Himself so she could be healed.

I like the way you put that...Gives me comfort to think God took Chip earlier than we thought he would because the cancer had spread so much there was nothing to be done...and he would be in so much pain...losing weight and strength. If he had lived much longer he would not been the Chip we would always have known..He would have been emaciated beyond recognition ....but it doesn't take the hurt away. Why, oh why, did he have to get cancer????

To all others here...I appreciate your posts...read them every day...but just don't seem to have the energy to respond very often.

[Jeff's Mom]

Just stopping by to say Hello and to say I am thinking of everyone each and every day. BOA...thanks from the bottom of my heart for your unwavering support and kindness. I truly appreciate it! Dee...I am anxious to hear stories of your beautiful little sweetie. Hope the pics will work. Lora, I hope you have a great holiday and it will do you the world of good to get away with your friends. Gretchen, let us know how things work out for friend's monument. Del, stay strong...some weeks can be really tough. It will soften with time. Mike's Dad...I agree with the others. Your son did a very heroic thing. One that as painful as it is I am sure will give you comfort in time to know how brave he was. You taught him well. This new life that is about to come into your world is not a replacement. Everyone truly knows that. There is so much pain and hurt thrown around after a death. I hope that in time things will get easier and the baby will bring joy to all. That child is innocent and should not have to suffer the sling and arrows of others. Take care. Well, this weather is the pits! It certainly is bright and sunny...but it will be some time before I don any capris! My husband is improving with the help of the antibiotics. We will soon find out what treatments they have in mind for him once he has recovered from this surgery. Thinking of everyone and sending good wishes for a peaceful evening. I am going to watch my favorite show The Voice this evening. I just love those judges. They make watching the program fun to watch. Kate

[halcottgirl368]

Hi, I want to thank everyone for all the kind words. My hope is to one day be able to help someone with my words as you all are helping me.

To Jesse's Mom, thank you for site for the jewelry. Now my problem is that there are so many beautiful pieces I don't know if I can make up my mind.

I know you all say with time and I know it has only been since February 2, but it seems like the hole in my heart is getting bigger and it hurts so much.

Again, thank you all so much.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Letter From Heaven

If I could write a letter and send it down to you,

There’s so much I would tell you, there’s so much here to do.

There are angels on every corner, the beauty is so grand,

When I first arrived here, God Himself He took my... hand.

I've met all of my family, they're so loving and so kind,

I gave them all an update on everyone they've left behind.

Their smiles are never ending, they tell me their happiness never ends,

For here in heaven, there is no heartache, for it’s not been touched by sin.

My first thought was for my family and my loved ones I hold so dear,

There were so many things I would have said knowing my homecoming was so near.

I would have told you how much I loved you, and thanked you for all that you've done for me,

All of you are the very best, God gave me such a loving family.

I know this is very hard on you and your tears seem never ending,

That’s why I asked God to please allow me to send this letter I’m sending.

Heaven is so very beautiful, I’ve walked on streets of gold,

There is no sickness here or pain, and no one ever grows old.

All the fields here are filled with flowers, there is greenery everywhere,

There’s so much love, laughter and fun, and our Father who really cares.

I talked to God about you and poured my love out to Him,

He put His arms around me, and reassured me we'd be together again.

For now He sends His strength and love, and He'll carry you if need be,

I want you to know He’s such a loving God, I know someday you will see.

I want you all to please be strong and carry me close to your heart,

You have the rest of your lives to live, my prayer is that you will start.

The joy you gave me through the years, I want that joy for you,

Take time to live, to love, to laugh and through you, let me shine through.

And when you think of me, don’t think of me with tears, think of me with laughter,

For God has given me a home, where I'll live happily ever after.

Written by Eva Dimel

Inspired by GodSee More

This was sent to me from my cousin, Jody. She also lost her son, 23 on a motorcyle death in April 2012

[mikesmomrs]

KATE: so glad that hubby is feeling a little bit better...hope the antibiotics take care of it all and he is on his feet again soon. LAURIE, thank you so much for the poem, so many of the lines had true meaning for me. SUSAN: I agree with DEE, it is true that you very accurately described what happens here on this site...we do "come together and help out." Still cannot seem to hit return and get any luck from it...can't do color, still, either. I will try to post a few pictures of the time daughter Kim and my two granddaughters had during their stay...they left for home yesterday morning and I miss them so much! Visits are sweet, and I am so glad for them. We shared a lot about her dad and brother, and spent a lot of time together. Daughter Cathi and I, along with young Mike's best friend, Denis, went to opening day at Fenway yesterday. The sox won, in a dramatic, 7th inning spurt with a three run home run. It was a beautiful day, in the 60's and bright sun...such a blessing. Cathi and I spent the first hour in tears off and on, but eventually we got to more smiles than tears. So many times I thought of texting my husband about the game and of course, instantly remembered he wouldn't be answering... So, I talked to him. Out loud sometimes. In my heart others. We had a good day. All of us. Of course, hubby and son both made is aware they were with us. On her way to work that morning, Cathi had the radio on and they played the "Who's on First" routine of Abbot and Costello, which hubby LOVED...even had some of it on his phone and one of the lines was his cell phone ring for a while. At the game, we were at a spot we don't usually go to, and saw below us a bar, called, of course, "Who's on First..."(had never seen it before) Also, a couple of weeks ago, we had found out that one of the paths that we sometimes take to get from the parking lot to the park is called "Ralph's Way." It "just happened" that this "spot we don't usually go to" was right above it and for the first time, we saw the street sign, behind which was parked a red punch buggy. What a day! (Well, I tried to upload some pics, but only got 2 out of all the ones I tried so I deleted them and just posted them from my photobucket. Eric had fixed this somewhat last week, but I guess it still needs fixing...I will email him again. also, still can't use the return...) for the viewing identification...first is Rachel and Damon at 3D Jurassic Park..second is the "Who's on First" bar across from Fenway Park, third is the rainbow we saw at the cemetery the day we took the girls up to see their papa's memorial stone and to "visit" the site (which is also where young Mike's stone is set) fourth is Rachel and Damon in the "ad" for OZ at the theater... fifth is Damon sippin and watchin... and sixth is Rebekah and Rachel in the go-carts at the amusement center...

[JD99501]

I've heard from both my oldest and my ex wife over the weekend. Both very ugly phone calls... They both said it was to replace my son. How he would probably hate me for having another baby too.

I don't think so Mikey loved kids. He always played "army guys" with the boys in our family. My ex went so far as to say my son died because of me... Because I always use to tell him to look out for the other person. She said Mike only saved that boy in the explosion because of me...

My daughter just screamed bloody murder and said I'm the most horrible person in the world and she hopes something is wrong with the new baby...

It hurt, but everyone has their own opinions....

Really?

I remember the story you wrote behind it all.

So the world is not a perfect place after all.

So your going to do what with the baby?

Those people are not going to rereponsable for it.

Love it.

Feed it

Etc......

I learned after my sons death there is a time and place to cut people out of your life.

Even my own father didnt talk to him for nearly five years.

1 loser is too many when your already suffering.

Are you not suffering enough?

Keep the kid ditch the losers. At least your child will bring something back to your life.

Give yourself the gift of your dignity.

ditch those panzy ass, ungratefull, nonsupportive, self absorbed, pieces of crap out of your life!

[shellykut]

Jesse David's Mom - I LOVE the poem you posted! I will copy it and keep it with the other poems that touch my heart...that one certainly did!

Carol - so glad you got to Fenway! The pictures show some good times were had...happy for you!

Mike - I agree with Surreal...for now you must take care of you. Maybe with time your daughters will come to accept your "new life", but it doesn't mean you leave the past one behind. Prayerfully you all will be part of the same life moving forward.

Kate - happy to hear your husband is improving some.

Dee - How's the little bunchkin, Erica Eileen? What a gift that Jon and Shan gave to the world! I know when our Grace came along, it soothed my heart and soul from the grief we were feeling. These grandbabies are a balm to our hurting hearts.

Lora, Colleen, Sandy, Gretchen, Betsy, Sherry, Mermaid Tears, and all other Indigos: I pray you have a day filled with peace and happy thoughts of your angels. Love, Shelly

[ericasmom]

Mike's Dad, Surreal put it one way that is quite clear. Though I know that you can not close the door with your Daughters, I do agree, you move forward with this new piece of your life. I would equate this with this scenario; if your daughters wanted to move or date someone new or go take a class, but you told them NO, you are leaving your brother behind by starting something new.

You know better and I pray that they will one day know better too.

Shelly, Erica Elizabeth is lovely. I have been very busy at work with things, have to be evaluated soon and that is never a fun preparation. Baby girl photos will come, I just don't have time right now to learn this system. By the weekend maybe. Otherwise, I feel ready to go to their home anytime if they need an extra pair of hands and eyes and heart. I am amazed at the beauty of this Child.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....my heart is smiling for you and Erica Elizabeth...'Oh the places you will go with her'....my GRANDson, Joshua, had an Award ceremony last night..he was awarded the Superintendents Academic Scholar Award....he is a very, very smart young man...he is also a big boy...6'3"...230 lbs..(great football player,too)..and has one of the 'sweetest' hearts....he is the big brother to the 'new little man in my life'...born on Dec. 14th...will try and post one of my favorite photos of them....with their little dog, Bennie, looking on....

[Mermaid Tears]

Mike's Dad.....after reading your last post....decided to 'think' before posting my thoughts to share with you.....but Surreal hit the nail on the head....Surreal and I are 'brothers on the same page'.....

I hope you know that your daughters and ex-wife must be drinking some kind of 'Kool-aide' to react the way they do. Your daughters are your children and that makes it all a slippery slope...and if you simply don't allow them to talk the way they do does not mean you turn your back on them...it simply means....you don't answer your phone. They cannot say those things unless you answer your phone. If anyone...your daughters ..your ex-wife can say the hateful and sick things they said....you really need to 'draw the line in the sand'...and put up a healthy boundary. You are still in a lot of grief..and mourning...and that can make one very, very vulnerable...I know I am...but....this 'little gift' has been given to you....and that is what you need to focus on...and yourself....we are here to 'walk and talk' you through this time....if you feel like you need some support....please copy and put what Surreal wrote somewhere and read it over and over.....I could not have said it any better...

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol...thanks for posting and sharing your 'family fun times' with all of us....we can get so caught up with the 'grief'....and when we see one of 'our friends' moving on....smiling..(sometimes through the tears)...holding on to what is still so dear....cherishing this still wonderful world with our loved ones...(with the hole in our heart, as Dee has expressed)....it can only bring a balm to our hearts. Loved the photos...

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....so happy to hear that hubby is improving...and know it can only put a layer of peace to your heart....I took food to one of my dearest friends....(we have been friends for 33 years...for our daughter's have been best friends since 8th grade)...her husband had bone cancer 8 years ago and had the complete Stem Cell treatment at M.D. Anderson..(we are only 1 hour away)....he was cured...cancer free all these years...now it has come back...I do believe when it comes back it seems to come back with a wollop...so he has had some treatments and now they are waiting to hear the results on Friday....if or if not they are working....I gave blood at a blood drive they had for him last Saturday...and my friend looked good but so tired...she called last night and we talked...and I told her about 'self care'....for she is being the caretaker...I hope you are 'giving yourself' some 'self care'....and giving yourself some little 'self gifts'...