Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest]

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[Jeff's Mom]

Good Morning, everyone. Woke up this morning to a brilliant sunny sky. A perfect day for FOOTBALL SUNDAY! We are just getting ready to head into the city to do some shopping at the farmer's market in the French quarter. They sell pate, cheeses and baguette that is to die for. We also have a few other things to do. I'm really looking forward to seeing our son again. We are picking him up after the game and having dinner before dropping him off at the airport. Sure hope they win! This is a yearly game between rival cities. Last weeks game was just brutal. We were massacred and so I will not tell you the score. Today had better be a good game!!!!

Carol...thinking of you. How are you?

Brenda...Hope yesterday was a better one for you.

Susan...you are never far from my thoughts. Take care.

Dee...I completely agree about exercise helping to keep us healthy in body and mind and soul. Yesterday we headed into the woods for another hike. My so called Church of Trees. There is something so calming and healing in just letting yourself become one with nature.

Lora...good to see you.

Becky...how are things going with your volunteer work? Are you finally starting to feel a bit better. I hope your hand has improved.

David...hope your weekend has been a decent one.

Kathy...thank you for the beautiful picture. I can see how much you love to go camping.

Take care everyone.

Kate

[Elle-55]

This is my first post. I lost my son on December 31, 2011, he was my oldest child - 33 yos. Rhett suffered from childhood schizophrenia which turned into adult paranoid schizophrenia around 17. The doctors tried so many different meds over the years and finally found one that worked - Rhett and all of us were all so happy. Rhett lived with us and I was his primary caregiver.

Last Christmas Rhett wanted to spend time with his dad and stepmother who lived out of state; we made arrangements and were to pick him up on New Years Day. On New Years Eve around 10:30 pm, I received a call from his dad - My baby was dead, Rhett had died from pneumonia. I don't remember much from that phone call except my son was dead. After the autopsy the cause of death was acute bacterial bronchialpneumonia. How could two people who had 8 kids between them not know when someone was that sick???? I went to grief counseling and was handling things better, than in July my husband's youngest brother was killed in a car accident and it was like I was living Rhett's death all over again. In late July I found out I'm losing my job of 22 years in November.

My heart and life has been shattered, I feel a part of my body has been cut off, I loved and took care of my son for 33 years. At work I'll catch myself picking up the phone to call him - than this wave of pain sweeps over my body and I realize I can't call him, I will never be able to speak to him again in this life.

All I do is cry and have horrible anxiety attacks. It has been 253 days since my son died and I feel as though I'm going crazy. I feel empty and find no joy in life. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for help with the anxiety - she gave me a prescription but I still experience anxiety every day. I'm also very angry - I'm filled with rage. I try to control the rage, but sometimes it wins and all I do is scream. I hate my ex husband and his wife, I believe their neglect killed my son.

After I'm laid off, we are moving to Florida. I'm hoping the ocean will calm me down and bring me peace.

If my post is all over the place, I'm sorry.

Thank you for listening.

[ericasmom]

Kate, funny, in my journal today I sat outdoors and wrote, This is my church, my holy ground. Yep, being outdoors is very helpful to my soul and spirit. I have always been a walker, since I was very young I found it to be the place that my creative juices flowed, so I have been taking long walks for almost ever. When Eri was little, I began to power walk every morning, and continued a nightime regular walk. Same is true now, though my hips don't like the power part as much now, wear and tear, but I try to walk morning noon and night each day. Lora, seven miles is amazing, I wish I could but I would have to get up too early to accomplish more than my 2 or 2.5 in the morning. I am impressed. I average 4 miles a day between my several walks. Even in the deepest grief, I got out to comtinue my walks, feeling much more connected to ERi outdoors anyway, and also knowing that in order to get better/feel better, I had to work some of my energy out. Anxiety can just eat at our bodies and minds.

Kate, hope that seeing your Son today fills you fully and that the day is joyous.

Rhett's mom, I am so sorry for the sadness and ache in your heart. That your Boy left like this without anyone knowing is difficult but not unheard of. I had a friend who died similarly with little to no warning. He had a cold, he suddenly needed a lung transplant as the illness took over that fast and he died. I am sorry for the absolute shock and despair it is to get that call and try to live in the shadow of that day since. The death of your BIL has caused so much to come back, PTSD? I had PTSD after a few years dealing wtih the loss of Erica, when another young lady from our town died, she knew Eri and my Son, ;it was all too much. I returned to my therapist at that point. I think that the drugs could be quite helpful but therapy is needed too to work through anxiety. Are you seeing a therapist or just someone that checks in on the meds and how they are working? In therapy I learned some self-help tips to assist me when the anxiety got to be too much. I went to therapy at 6 months into th egrief, returned with the PTSD, each time staying for 2 years. This takes time. Finding balance takes time but you will. With your job ending a move on the horizon, there can be more anxiety. So many new entities to face. The ocean will hopefully give that peace that you are looking to find, I hope so too. Where do you live now? What part of Florida? Keep reading and posting, it is what has helped so many here.

[daveydow1]

Hello to everyone here at BI-----I've been down with the flu ....UGH....got it before I even

had a chance to get the yearly flu shot. NO FUN....but I think I'm on the mend.

Anyhow......I feel hopelessly behind on posting, but will try to jump back in.

So sorry to find new parents coming to BI. I'm sorry for your loss, and hope you will come

back to BI.

Robin------I'm sorry for your need to come to this site because of the loss of your lovely

daughter, Jennifer. This is a large site, and has been a lifeline for me, and for many

others who have come on along the way since I have been here......( 9 yrs....along with

Dee). It is a site that no one wants to be on, of couse, but when the need is there......

when one has lost a beloved child......it's a good place to come to. My son, David, was

killed 9 yrs. ago by an impaired driver, and my baby girl died at age 6 mo. many years

ago. How I wish there had been a site such as this when she died, but that was before

the internet enabled such places for people to express their sorrow, pain, and all the ups

and downs of this rough journey. We can express those sorrows to everyone here, who

knows firsthand, the sorrow that goes with this dreaded, life-changing event. I hope you

will continue to come to BI.

Betty------So good to see your post.

Dee------Is there going to be a teacher's strike in your area? Have been hearing about it on the news,

but not sure if it affects your district. Weather here is cool, a bit rainy today. I was to take

my 92 yr.-old mom to the annual "One-Room Country School" picnic. (We both went to

the same 1-room school, as did my grandfather.....so 3 generations went there. I went to it

for a few years in elem. and then it closed).....quite an experience. As it ended up, I wasn't

able to take her because of getting over the flu, and she said that she had reconsidered,

and thought it would be too chilly/damp for her to endure with her arthritis. So, we didn't go.

How's things going with all the 3rd graders? Settled into a routine now?

Kate-----I love your name for your hikes in nature......"CHURCH OF TREES"....such an apt name

for it. Yep--, I agree that a walk in nature is so soothing and restorative to the psyche and soul.

Rhettsmom-----I'm so very sorry for your loss of your dear son, Rhett. I wish there was something

that could be said to ease your pain. Just know that you can come to BI anytime and talk about

your dear son, and anything else. Everyone here understands. Peace to you, friend.

Hello to all BI friends.......Bonnie, Betty, Dee, Carol, Kate, Kathy, Trudi, Rhonda, Colleen,

Betsy, Brenda, David, Gretchen, Becky, Lora, Maddy, and everyone at BI. Peace to all.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, I think that the flu you are recovering from is not the one that the shot is covering, there is an early bug that several kids have had and it seems to come on quickly. I do hope you will continue to get better and feel tip-top tomorrow. It was rainy the other day and some rain last evening late, but sunshine and blue skies for two days and today, not out of the 60's which I love. The warmth will return so that by Wednesday it should be 85 again, but if i could keep it like this I sure would.

Sherry, Chicago may go out on strike tomorrow if a deal is not struck by midnight. They have been at the negotiation table till past 10:00 each night so I sure hope that they reach a deal. I don'[t blame th eteachers at all for walking out however, if one is not met. Lengthening the school day without increased pay, no raises, and all sorts of poor management going on. I do not work for Chicago Schools, and I am glad that I do not have to face a strike. There is so much violence in Chicago this year that a strike is going to be dangerous for the city's kids. Prayers that sensible decisions will be made.

Bears won today by big numbers! WHOO-HOO!

[Jeff's Mom]

Sherry...sorry to see that you are under the weather. There is a terrible virus going around up here that is just plain nasty. From what I understand it is viral. And we all know what that means....suffer it out. Look after yourself.

Rhett's Mom...I am so sorry that you have had to come to this place under these circumstances. However, you have found a great place for support.

Angel's Mom...Please hang on. It is going to take time to work your way through this pain and loss. Keep posting and know you are not alone. Those first few weeks are a fog. We are here to help you through it.

Dee...Bears won? Excellent. Well, our team lost by one point! Yes, just one point with no time left on the clock. Some sad looking faces when we picked up our son.

It was a good day all around. We picked him up after the game and then went out for a meal. Gosh it was good to see him and give him a huge hug again. I did not want to take my eyes off of him. We had a total of two and a half hours. And it is a two hour flight home. He plans to return for Christmas with the family. I can't wait to get my hands on my grandbabies! He just called from Calgary a few mins ago to say that the plane circled for a half hour due to a tornado warning. The turbulance was so bad that people were pretty shaken. Anyway, his luggage with treats for the kids arrived safe and sound. One busy day all around. Made it to the Farmer's Market. Tourtiere, pate, and baguette. My doc is going to kill me. All bad for me...oh heck, once in a while it is ok. Made it up by buying some great looking vegies and fruit.

Thinking of everyone. Take care.

Kate

[BrendaDup59]

Sherry...sorry to see that you are under the weather. There is a terrible virus going around up here that is just plain nasty. From what I understand it is viral. And we all know what that means....suffer it out. Look after yourself.

Rhett's Mom...I am so sorry that you have had to come to this place under these circumstances. However, you have found a great place for support.

Angel's Mom...Please hang on. It is going to take time to work your way through this pain and loss. Keep posting and know you are not alone. Those first few weeks are a fog. We are here to help you through it.

Dee...Bears won? Excellent. Well, our team lost by one point! Yes, just one point with no time left on the clock. Some sad looking faces when we picked up our son.

It was a good day all around. We picked him up after the game and then went out for a meal. Gosh it was good to see him and give him a huge hug again. I did not want to take my eyes off of him. We had a total of two and a half hours. And it is a two hour flight home. He plans to return for Christmas with the family. I can't wait to get my hands on my grandbabies! He just called from Calgary a few mins ago to say that the plane circled for a half hour due to a tornado warning. The turbulance was so bad that people were pretty shaken. Anyway, his luggage with treats for the kids arrived safe and sound. One busy day all around. Made it to the Farmer's Market. Tourtiere, pate, and baguette. My doc is going to kill me. All bad for me...oh heck, once in a while it is ok. Made it up by buying some great looking vegies and fruit.

Thinking of everyone. Take care.

Kate

Kate I am so happy for you that you had a wonderful time with your son, I sure hope this gives you a lift for a while you sure do deserve it. and glad he made it home safe.

I started getting a sinus /soar throat thing going Friday night took some meds and think I caught it soon enough before it got worse, I watched Long Island Medium tonight and cried through the whole thing, I have my moments one minute I am OK and the next crying, I know this is normal and Thank you Dee for you wonderful comments you always seem to know just what to say.

Sherry sorry to hear you have been sick but so glad to hear your getting better,

and to the new ones here like everybody else so sorry you have to be here but you found a wonderful place to come too. , there are days I can only read and then I have my days I can post.. it is like riding a roller coaster..

Hope everyone has a good week. Love Brenda

[daveydow1]

Brenda-----Know just what you mean about being able to read but not post

at times. We all have those times, but anytime anyone feels that they must

step back for awhile......it is completely understood. I think that we have

all felt the need to do that. But,....when we come back....it's like we never

left, in a way. We're still part of the BI family.

Dee----Yep----who could blame the Chicago teachers for striking, if some

of their issues are not addressed satisfactorily. Tough times for everyone

concerned. I enjoyed the cooler day. Didn't go outside much today, except

to sweep the leaves from the locust tree ( itty-bitty things ) off the patio area.

Thanks for telling me that there is an 'early' flu virus going around. I will still

be sure & get my flu shot, as I do every year. Most years it works for me, with

a couple of exceptions in the past, so I make it a point to get it. Glad that your

Chicago Bears won today. Are you a fan of the team? My husband watched

the Browns/Eagles game today......(he's a Browns fan.....brave soul ).....not

sure who won that game, as I wasn't watching it, and he turned the t.v. off

and went outside to do some burning after the game was over. He always feels

bad when watching the Browns, because he & Dave always watched the games

together.

Kate----Thanks for your kind words. Yep----that time of year when the nasty bugs

start in on people. Take care.....hope you avoid all of it.

Take care everybody

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Everyone take extra good care of yourselves during this early onset of the 'germ' season. Working with third graders all day leaves me wanting to guzzle extra vitamin C all day. I do take three big C's on school days to boost the immune system. HOpefully that will assist in warding off the bugs. Allergens are also extra horrid for many during this last end of summer, ragweed is especially bad and tree mold. My face itches all day long but I can't stay inside because of it and anyway, the school doesn't have air conditioning so it wouldn't matter. Those allergies though, can cause secondary infections like ear infections and throat or sinus infections so do take care. Put your local honey in some tea each day to help with the allergies.

Brenda, I am glad that you know that the roller coaster you are on is what we have to ride until the tracks even out. Hang on and know that we are holding you too.

I watched some of the Long Island Medium as well, cried as I do. She is the antithesis of what one would think of with a medium, and yet she is very believable. That sweet little boy...Sherry, I do like the Bears, like to watch at-least a quarter of the game, can't stay in for more than that usually. I graded papers outdoors and wrote my plans for the week, Sundays are always spent thinking of Mondays when you teach school for a living. I know that your Husband gets blue when he watches the game, that was he and Davey's time. Give him a hug from me.

[heartbeataway]

I hate it when I write a post and it disappears! How am I suppose to remember all those words? Geez ....... :- /

Oh well, I'll just share that today is a beautiful day after a somewhat stormy evening. I walked out on the deck and the sky was brillant with color! There was a heart smiling back at me! :-) I turned to come back into the house and there was blue sky and a rainbow! I couldn't help thinking about life as I now know it. Stormy and calm .... happy and sad ......... dark and light ......

Have a good Monday guys!

[tantraman8]

Everyone take extra good care of yourselves during this early onset of the 'germ' season. Working with third graders all day leaves me wanting to guzzle extra vitamin C all day. I do take three big C's on school days to boost the immune system. HOpefully that will assist in warding off the bugs. Allergens are also extra horrid for many during this last end of summer, ragweed is especially bad and tree mold. My face itches all day long but I can't stay inside because of it and anyway, the school doesn't have air conditioning so it wouldn't matter. Those allergies though, can cause secondary infections like ear infections and throat or sinus infections so do take care. Put your local honey in some tea each day to help with the allergies.

Brenda, I am glad that you know that the roller coaster you are on is what we have to ride until the tracks even out. Hang on and know that we are holding you too.

I watched some of the Long Island Medium as well, cried as I do. She is the antithesis of what one would think of with a medium, and yet she is very believable. That sweet little boy...Sherry, I do like the Bears, like to watch at-least a quarter of the game, can't stay in for more than that usually. I graded papers outdoors and wrote my plans for the week, Sundays are always spent thinking of Mondays when you teach school for a living. I know that your Husband gets blue when he watches the game, that was he and Davey's time. Give him a hug from me.

[/quote

Good morning all from Tucson,

Sherry, member of the Tucson Brown's Backer's here. Wore a shirt of Josh's to the Stadium Grill yesterday, so can relate to your husband's funk around the Browns performance, and the father/son bond. I

It's actually raining this Monday morning in Tucson...the end of our monsoon season I think. I'm sitting here, typing this, in my dimly lit casita, drinking coffee and listening to the sound of the rain on the tin roof. Had started my "brisk" morning walk when the drops started to fall, so I'm back here, thinking perhaps my Monday is to start at a slower pace, and that maybe that's a blessing.

Sherry, I rarely get sick, and I am JUST on the other side of a really bad cold that lasted 3 WEEKS!! I slammed EmergenC and Source Naturals Wellness Formula four times a day, and the sucker finally let go!!

Not feeling like I have anything profound to say, though the comments on the "Long Island Medium" fit right in with my weekend. I was at a workshop, that suggests that maybe I can connect with Josh at a depth and in ways beyond the absence, void, and widely spaced "glimpses" I occasionally get. I'm so used to living in "limitation" in my life. I think Josh's passing is supposed to be a doorway to me creating a life of increased possibility.

Brenda, that's one reason your recounting the occurrences of "smoke" warmed my heart. If we are infinite beings, (something I know in my head) but rarely live in my life, I wonder how I can create a more joyful, peaceful, and abundant life?? ( and still grieve the loss of Josh on this plane..still do whatever I need to do, to feel and release whatever feelings froze inside of me when he died).

I know Josh's desire is for me to live a more joyful, peaceful, and connected life than ever before.

Thank you all for being here.

LOVE,

DAVID]

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Duplicate, sorry!

[JD's Mom, Becky]

49 weeks today, Jared. Our lives are so changed

without you...♥ U Infinity, Mom.

We survived the first homegame of football, but boy oh boy was I worn out. Up til 1am the night before packing the van and making sure all the paperwork and everything was accounted for. Up at 6am to put some last minute things in, and drink a cup of coffee, and get ready to meet the assigned workers at the field. We had to paint the lines on the field as the highschool groundscrew forgot about our game, or didn't have time... it's amazing how little things don't bother me anymore, but I am ticked when people complain about the smallest most trivial things. I want to reach out and smack them!

We got home from the games, at about 5 pm on Saturday night, and everything I had hurt! I did put my 'executive in training' to work to help me, and I am not so sure that at the end of the day, she was probably re-thinking that decision to learn and take over next year!

My hand is a bit better, I think, Kate, although I have had the dreaded summer cold for a week, and been pretty miserable. I read all of your posts, just don't always feel up to posting. I love all of you, and pray to reach a softer spot with time, as some of our 'elders' have spoken of.

I think of you, Sherry, all the time, and Colleen as well, as I know you understand where I am better than anyone.

Love to all.

That's about the best smile I can muster this morning.

Brenda, I think you asked about the art program that I use? It is photoshop, but an extremely old version that my sister gave to me. It's been revised many times since then, about 13 years or more ago since I put it on my computer. The new versions are really expensive. I have downloaded a trial version or two, but they only give you so much time, and then you have to buy it! I can't afford it right now, but wish I could!

[tobyfreefoot]

thinking of all those we have lost this way and their families. my heart goes out to all my friends and family who have suffered this agonizing pain. i will be lighting a candle for your sweet angels, indigo's and for jim 30, john 18, sierra 13. hoping somewhere someone will see through to the soul of someone else who is at wits end and grab them in time to save them.

[briansdad]

For all Dad's

[briansdad]

For all Mom's

[daveydow1]

David---Sorry to hear that you have been ill. It seems that an illness....even a nasty cold

or flu just exaggerates the pain of sorrow of losing a beloved child....especially in the

early days and months on this lousy journey. I hope that the

measures you are taking to combat it will continue to help. Your dear son, Josh, would

want you to keep plodding on forward on this road, until a time comes when the pain

and sorrow will somehow get softer. I believe that all our angels would want that for us.

Peace & comfort to you.

Bonnie----Thanks for your insightful and inspirational words, along with the beautiful pics.

Becky---Yes---I agree....the courts/legal system seems to crawl along at a snail's pace,

and as you already know....we're disappointed, in the end, with their ruling. Your writings,

honoring your dear son, Jared, are so heartfelt and beautiful-----showing your deep and

everlasting love for him. Hang on, Becky.......BI is always here. Thoughts & prayers.

Dee----Sorry that you are experiencing problems with the allergies. They, along with

cold/flu bugs seem to be particularly troublesome and strong this year. I think as the

weather moderates a bit and gets a little cooler, that maybe (just maybe) the allergies

season might ease up. I slept very little last night, but don't seem to be the worse

for it ....(yet). Dozed off at nearly 5 a.m., and woke later, somehow knowing that I had

seen Davey in a vague, hazy, dream. Funny....because in my sleeplessness, I said a

little prayer, asking Davey to come to me in a dream whenever he could. Most of my

dreams of him are vague.....no vivid ones.....but in them, he is always well, and just the

way he was before he left this world. I'll settle for ANY kind of dream I have of him....

like all of us here....whether they are vague & 'foggy' or not. Good that you are loading

up on VIT. C. It's supposed to strengthen the immune system. I'm taking it too.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

This is Lisa Kaye at age 4 mo.

[tobyfreefoot]

This is Lisa Kaye at age 4 mo.

[/quote]

funny i was just thinking of this today and wanting to ask you to tell us about lisa and post a picture of her. what a sweetheart. i'm so sorry her little life was cut short. you have certainly been through too much. thank you for posting. makes me believe a bit more in the great cosmic consciousness. thanks for continuing to share your strength with us.

[mysonrich]

Hi Indigo's, I've been hanging around taking stock of my life. ha ha. You have to be here , a bit of sarcasm directed at myself. I've read that some of you have had visits , in a dream Sherry, the smell of a cigarette,Brenda, hearts and flowers on the beach, Kathy.

It is indeed a very thin veil. i believe this. While walking through the park this past weekend,as I rounded a corner I was startled by a young teen boy rounding the corner on a bike. I turned and watched him peddle off, as many young boys will do, standing up. Rich rode bikes all the time and was known as the neighborhood bike mechanic. I completed my walk and sat on a bench for a spell. There. The boy on the bike riding back and forth and up the hill and back down. His own endurance test maybe. I sat and watched him and thought of Rich thinking there are always signs that he is near. Not Rich but the essence of his life. maybe Rich is riding a bike in park not far from me. yesterday morning I walked out the door and saw a beautiful sight. a double rainbow. Our kids being the pot of gold on the other side,where the rainbow ends to begin again. Sherry, Lisa is such a cutie. Its nice seeing her sweet face. Hope you are feeling better soon. Dee, I watched the news and heard of the teachers strike in Chicago. Did I hear right, the kids would be in some type of structured school environment with meals during the day? hope you feel better soon to. Gretchen, I was looking at the gallery and stopped in to see Forest. Thanks for sharing.Pictures that allow us to see the energy of life on earth. Carol, thinking of you. Keeping you close and offer my virtual support. Love to you and yours. Kate, it sounds like a wonderful visit. Christmas is right around the corner. To our newbies , I am sorry . You have found a spot to sit and rest for a spell. A place to chat. To write. To share your sorrow,anger,grief. To share the pieces of shattered hearts. one day, you will be able to pick up those pieces and put them back together again.The pieces will not fit like they once did. Some may always feel jagged and hurt. They will never be the same. never be whole but the cracks, the fusion, the healing will allow for the light to shine again. In a different way. <br clear="all"> all and all, things are looking up . maybe that is the lesson.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, so pretty a sky filled with light and love, signs of what magic exists in this world. The boy on the bike a reminder of the simplicity of life at one time. I am feeling very well Betsy, maintaining on my meds for allergies.

Becky, the time moves within you and without you, as George Harrison once sang. I know that the approaching mark of a year is hauntingly difficult. I am so proud of you and your Husband for still taking on the sports organization, how very tiring but how very rewarding for all those involved.

Bonnie, love the photos and sorry about the post disappearing. Thanks for sharing the beauty of your morning.

OKAY-BIG NEWS. One of Erica's best buds has been hired to be a regular on the new season of Saturday Night Live. Her name is Cecily Strong and she will be on the opening show this Saturday. She is a gorgeous dark headed woman, went to kindergarten on up with Eri, and has always been an amazing talent. GIve her a look-see and know that ERi will be watching just from a better view.

[BrendaDup59]

This is Lisa Kaye at age 4 mo.

Sherry, what a sweet baby girl, I do not know how you or anyone else lives through the loss of more then one of their children, since I lost Brian I am so scared to let Kaleb do anything.. for fear of something happening to him , you sure have had your share of grief. my heart goes out to you . Take Care Brenda

[BrendaDup59]

Betsy, so pretty a sky filled with light and love, signs of what magic exists in this world. The boy on the bike a reminder of the simplicity of life at one time. I am feeling very well Betsy, maintaining on my meds for allergies.

Becky, the time moves within you and without you, as George Harrison once sang. I know that the approaching mark of a year is hauntingly difficult. I am so proud of you and your Husband for still taking on the sports organization, how very tiring but how very rewarding for all those involved.

Bonnie, love the photos and sorry about the post disappearing. Thanks for sharing the beauty of your morning.

OKAY-BIG NEWS. One of Erica's best buds has been hired to be a regular on the new season of Saturday Night Live. Her name is Cecily Strong and she will be on the opening show this Saturday. She is a gorgeous dark headed woman, went to kindergarten on up with Eri, and has always been an amazing talent. GIve her a look-see and know that ERi will be watching just from a better view.

Dee , that is wonderful news about Eri friend ..I bet she will be right there with her.

[mikesmum]

Betsy & Bonnie ~ Yes, the colours of the sky draw me in as does the ocean. The 'artwork' from our angels, the energy of the sea all remind me my son is still a part of the bigger picture.

Sherry ~ Such a precious angel, and yes I too wonder how you make it through losing not one but two beautiful babies.

Gretchen ~ Thanks for posting the Suicide prevention candle. I have it on FB. Like the death of a child, suicide is a tabu subject, yet it is something more prevelant than many know.

Last night we went to the 'concert' for Wandin Yallock Primary. The theme was 'Year of Reading' Each grade group wrote play bases loosely on a book of their choosing. Zak's was on The Fantastic Mr Fox. Jeya's was Vowels Save the Day. It was the first time both families (the inlaws & us) were together since Steven and his partner Kelly seperated.

Uncomfortable doesn't come close to describing it. But my focus was on those precious children. My offering was the Badger 'hats' for Zak's grade.

Jeya broke away from her mum and ran to her dad squeezing the stuffing out of him. My hug was just as strong. Zak was off stage but away from us. It was a highly emotional night. Memories of days gone by when my own kids took part in plays. I still have the programs and press clippings from local papers.

The sun is shining here. The flowers are now bursting forth with colour making the desolate garden come back to life.

My thoughts today though are with our dear friend Carol. As we all know once the service is over and others go on with their lives, the reality of alone hits hard. Prayers and thoughts for one who shows such kindness and strength to many here.

Zak on the right

Miss Jeya (S)

View from my computer room...

[tobyfreefoot]

Betsy, so pretty a sky filled with light and love, signs of what magic exists in this world. The boy on the bike a reminder of the simplicity of life at one time. I am feeling very well Betsy, maintaining on my meds for allergies.

Becky, the time moves within you and without you, as George Harrison once sang. I know that the approaching mark of a year is hauntingly difficult. I am so proud of you and your Husband for still taking on the sports organization, how very tiring but how very rewarding for all those involved.

Bonnie, love the photos and sorry about the post disappearing. Thanks for sharing the beauty of your morning.

OKAY-BIG NEWS. One of Erica's best buds has been hired to be a regular on the new season of Saturday Night Live. Her name is Cecily Strong and she will be on the opening show this Saturday. She is a gorgeous dark headed woman, went to kindergarten on up with Eri, and has always been an amazing talent. GIve her a look-see and know that ERi will be watching just from a better view.

We will be watching with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!exciting!!!

[ericasmom]

I am glad that you will watch Cecily, yes, Erz will be laughing right along. To think of all the skits they put on and recorded when they were little. Oh my heart.

Sherry the photo of Baby Girl Lisa is so pretty. You are a strength Sherry, and an inspiration.

Trudi, the photos are wonderful and I am so glad that Jeya was able to hug the stuffing out of her Daddy. I pray for the two sides to mend.

[ericasmom]

And on this day, September 11th, let us all send light and love to those whose lives changed from the tragic events of this day 11 years ago.

We lift them up in our hopes and in our prayers.

[heartbeataway]

Who could ever forget this day? My oh my …..

We lost a friend, Randy Drake, who had been evacuated andthen was hit by falling debris from the towers. I can still remember this big guy arm in arm with Rich teaching him totwo-step at a company Christmas party. Priceless memory!

Dee – We will definitely look for Cecily. How exciting for her and you who knowher! I’m excited just because I knowsomeone who knows her! J

Trudi …

May have been awkward but still progress in the rightdirection ……. ??

Betsy,

Loved the picture! And what a powerful statement you made,” I sat and watched him and thought of Rich thinking thereare always signs that he is near. Not Rich but the essence of his life.” The essence of his life …….. wowie, wow, wow…….

Sherry,

I love seeing your Daveyand Lisa’s pictures. You have no ideahow much I admire your strength! Did youdo much canning this year?

[heartbeataway]

How do you delete a duplicate post? ;- /

[westleysmom]

Sherry-Loved being able to see Baby Lisa's picture. I am glad you had a dream of Davey.

Betsy-Beautiful picture of the rainbow. Sometimes I feel like a stalker, because when I'm out and about and see boys/men that are about Westley's age, I know I watch them as I think of him and wonder what he would be doing now if he was still here, and of course, what he is doing now. It is so hard sometimes.

Trudi-Great pictures as always of the kids and sky. I'm sorry it was uncomfortable, but glad Jeya got to hug her daddy. School plays, dance recitals, all of those kinds of things always brought tears to my eyes when the kids were little, and even more so now. People probably think I'm crazy for crying, but I've always choked up when those sweet kids are on the stage.

Dee-Hope the allergies stay under control and it cools down in your classroom. That is great about Eri's friend, although I almost never stay up late enough to watch the show. I watched "9/11 As It Happened" (rerun of Today show coverage on 9/11, which we watched live in disbelief) and it brought it all back. My daughter had turned 16 on the 9th, and her dad had taken her to get her driver's license. They called to tell me she had passed her driving test and I told them what was going on. Such a terrifying time in our country that we should never forget. So many lives lost and changed that day forever.

Carol-You and your family are in my thoughts daily. I hope that you are getting some rest, grief is so exhausting. I read all 3 sections of the carepages about the service, and it sounds like it was beautiful. Mike was a special guy. I never met him and I miss him, so I know that you are feeling lost without him. My heart to you.

I have to be out for a few days with work, so I won't be able to keep up with everyone, which I try to do even when I don't post much. But you all and our angels are never far away from my thoughts.

[Jeff's Mom]

Not too much to say today. I am thinking of everyone here and hoping you all have a decent day. Dee...how awesome that Eri's friend is going to be a part of Saturday Night Live. We will definitely watch if we can.

Betty....the pic of the rainbow is just lovely! What a beautiful sky!

Sherry...What great looking kids! Hope you are feeling better soon.

Trudi...the pic from your computer room is just stunning.

Heartbeataway...yes, definitely keeping those who lost their lives on Sept. 11 in my prayers. How quickly times passes. It just seems like yesterday.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all INDIGOS.-----THANKS TO EACH OF YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS ABOUT LISA

AND HER PICTURE. We didn't have much money then, and have very few pictures at all of

her...... only four or five snapshots of poor quality from the cheap little camera I had.

The one I posted was taken at a kiosk-type place in a mall, and the photographer was

a young woman with not much experience (or patience) with children/babies, but it's the

only one we have. We once went into one of those small quick-photo self-serve

booths, and had a pic of my husband with Lisa, and one of myself with Lisa. The machine

slot sent out the one with my husband & Lisa, but then it malfunctioned, and the one for

myself & Lisa didn't come out. They were in b&w, so the quality has held up better than

color after all these many yrs.

Rhonda-----Thanks for your kind words, friend.

Dee----How nice that ERi's friend will be with SNL. Yes.....ERz will surely be looking on

from above and smiling on her childhood friend, Cecily. I've been watching about the

school strike in Chicago. Hope it can be settled soon.

Trudi----Thanks for the pics of the rainbow, and of Jeya.....she is just a little darling girl.

Bonnie----Sorry to hear that you lost a friend in the 9-11 tragedy. Bless all the families of

those who lost their lives in 9-11. Many, including police, firemen, rescue &safety forces personnel,

died in the years following 9-11 as a result of injuries...asbestos exposure...etc. So very sad.

Carol-----Thinking of you every day, and praying for you & your family.

Betsy-----Lovely pic of the sky. Thanks for posting. Your post about being in the park and

seeing the young man riding his bike and how it reminded you of Rich's energy was so

touching and well-written. I so understand your sorrow, & melancholy at the time. It is

times like those that makes us yearn so for all the lost potential of our dear children. Then,

you saw the double rainbow.......and hope in your heart....knowing that there IS such a

thin veil between you and your dear son. Peace to you.

Gretchen & Kate----Thanks for the get well wishes. I'm not fully recovered yet, but am

on the mend. Sometimes I guess it takes awhile to snap back.

Brenda----Thanks for your kind words. I forgot to post the other day that your drawings

of the animals are just so great & perfect. Wish I could draw like that.

Wishing everyone in the BI Family a good day and....hopefully a good night's sleep tonight.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

After 9-11, there were many many inspirational stories of courage & bravery. I read about this one, and found

it so amazing.

Michael Hingson, who is blind, worked on the 78th floor of the N. Tower of the World Trade Center,

and was at his desk on that fateful day, when heard a tremendously loud boom. His guide

dog, Rozelle, was with him, and he gave the dog a trained command . The dog, went into action,and calmly

led him down the 78 stories....1,643 steps...to safety. He has written a book about his experience.

His website is: www.michaelhingson.com

[JD's Mom, Becky]

This pic was three days after 9-11-2001, when my husband, Jerry was deployed because of that horrible tragedy. I remember that Jared would kneel with me beside the bed everynight, praying for Dad's safe return.

I kept telling Jared when he asked how long Dad would be gone, that he would be gone a year. I thought he understood, but how could he? How could he at five years old have a clue how long a year was? That hit home when one day he asked "will Dad be back before I start driving"?

Oh Jared, The sweetness that was you....I miss you more everyday. Never did I imagine that 10 years after this picture, you would be gone. My precious son... my heart is so broken. ♥ U Infinity...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Sherry, Oh, so precious! I am glad you have this picture. Also, Trudi, the pic from your computer room? Wow, a scene that I really envy! How gorgeous is that?? Loved your sky pics too, Betsy!

This is Lisa Kaye at age 4 mo.

Hello to all INDIGOS.-----THANKS TO EACH OF YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS ABOUT LISA

AND HER PICTURE. We didn't have much money then, and have very few pictures at all of

her...... only four or five snapshots of poor quality from the cheap little camera I had.

The one I posted was taken at a kiosk-type place in a mall, and the photographer was

a young woman with not much experience (or patience) with children/babies, but it's the

only one we have. We once went into one of those small quick-photo self-serve

booths, and had a pic of my husband with Lisa, and one of myself with Lisa. The machine

slot sent out the one with my husband & Lisa, but then it malfunctioned, and the one for

myself & Lisa didn't come out. They were in b&w, so the quality has held up better than

color after all these many yrs.

[daveydow1]

Becky-----Such a nice pic you posted. It's so true.....we looked at our kids, and

saw the innocence in their eyes when they were tots, and watched as they

grew, and loved them all the while...more & more. Then, when they are gone

from this world way too soon,...all we can do is grieve, and honor their memory

in all the ways we are able. You mentioned Jared's question about how long

his father would be deployed, and how you wonder how well he could understand

your answer of it being one year. I remember once, Davey (at about age 5) was

talking to me and I guess we were talking about his pup which had been hit & killed

on the road by a car. He asked a question about things dying, and I said that

all things have to die, and he said "will I die, mom" ? That little question just

went into my heart like a knife....and I grasped for an answer. I hugged him, and said......"not

for a long long time, Davey". I had the natural assumption that all parents have,... that

we, ourselves, would leave the world way before our dear children.

That answer seemed to satisfy him, but many times,through the years,

I would second-guess myself about that answer. As you said........never

do we think that our children would be gone, and we'd survive . We grieve their passing

for all time. That pic surely must be one of your most treasured

ones. Peace to you.

Betty-----Thinking of you today..9-11....as I know that it has special sorrows

for you, and your many co-workers. Peace & prayers, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, well I thought I would post a picture of the Baby sock Bouquet I made for my nieces baby shower. and as I look I at the picture I think it needs 1 more rose right above the bow. .. now I just have 40+ baby booties to make out of Styrofoam..oh lucky me..lol

[mysonrich]

last year Sarah and I paid a visit to the NYC 9-11 memorial. We made out way around the site and felt the presence of the souls , a true living feeling of the life that was lost that day. I looked down and saw this name.

If you look above Mr Beamer's name note Miss Grandcolas and her unborn child. I saw several that day.

"Are you guys ready? Okay, let's roll. United Air Flight 93. Pennsylvania.

Betty, thinking of you today. The story of the day your son saved you.

[Sholl1955]

In a few days, on the 14th Sarah will have been gone 6 months. The pain is worse instead of getting better. I want to believe it will get easier but I don't think it ever will be. I miss her so.

[BrendaDup59]

In a few days, on the 14th Sarah will have been gone 6 months. The pain is worse instead of getting better. I want to believe it will get easier but I don't think it ever will be. I miss her so.

Sarah's mama, I know how you feel , the 17 th will 6 months for me also , I cry at the drop of hat, all I want to do is sleep, I get really angry over such stupid things,the thought of living the rest of my life with him gone is something I cannot even think about , but I have to get up and do things I really do not want to do ,I think my sister got me to make the rose flowers and other things to just get me up , I still have a 10 year old to raise so I have to go on as much as I would like to just crawl in a hole and pull the dirt over me. I cant wait to not hurt so bad all the time, but I am like you how does it get easier? I miss him more every day. Just know you are not alone , keep coming here and some days you will only be able to read and sometimes you will post . Take Care Brenda

[jennifersmom]

In a few days, on the 14th Sarah will have been gone 6 months. The pain is worse instead of getting better. I want to believe it will get easier but I don't think it ever will be. I miss her so.

hi, on the 14th will also be 6 months since I lost my precious daughter Jennifer. I too am experiencing more pain. I just celebrated my b-day over a week ago and since then I am so upset and crying most of the time. I have to force myself to stop. I don't know if its because it was my 1st b-day without her and we will soon be faced with all the holidays or what. All I know is that I miss her so, so much, my whole body just aches for her.

robins

[ericasmom]

Robin and Brenda and Sarah's Mom, it is the way the pain of loss in the first year rolls. It rolls right over us at some points and it would seem that all three of you are experiencing very similar feelings. The shock of loss is gone, there is no more protective cover, and the sad reality has moved in where the shock used to live. It is that unbearable knowing that happens for many around this same mark of time...which is another thing, the mark of a half of year is very difficult. It makes it SHOUT. We used to measure our kids by the months, and at six months they sat up and began to creep or crawl, we proudly said when folks asked how old is your child? 6 months.

Now that sound is an echo off of our sadness, six months, how could it be? And knowing it is almost 6 months means that one year is coming and it seems impossible at the same time that it seems inevitable. I remember it well but that means that I also know it changes, it will always be true, it will always be a huge sadness, but one day it will not hurt as it does now. One day, down the road that you must forge. It means going through holidays and birthdays without them and that is just plain wrong, but it is so. We are here, we get it, we know, so shout it out with us, we won't be frightened off. We know.

Peace one day Dear Friends.

[jennifersmom]

Hello everyone,

It has been a bit since I posted so I want to respond to all that were so nice. I have been on a few grieving sites and so far this site is the only one where so many people offer their love and support. I have a wonderful husband and sisters that are so supportive, caring, loving, listen, and have so much patience however, none of my sisters have lost a child. Only a mother knows the umbearable pain, devastation you feel when you lose a child. When I lost my baby girl (6 months on the 14th), a huge part of me died. I feel every single emotion a human can possibly feel except happiness. Jennifer was not only my child, she was my best friend, my world. I took such pride in being a mom. My whole life was about being the best mom and wife. Now I don't know what my purpose is and so many days I just feel like I don't know how and don't want to do this thing called life without her. I am broken and every fiber in me just aches for my baby girl.

Sherry (Davey & Lisa's mom) - I am so sorry for the loss of your precious children. I am grateful that I found this site. One of my doctors after diagnosing me with PTSD (because of the loss of my daughter and how I am handling it), referred me to a counselor. My thing is unless, you have lost a child you don't know how it feels. I feel connecting with other mothers in my same predicament is alot more helpful. So this is how I choose to get therapy. I know there are a couple of grieving support groups close to me and when I feel ready then I will try that in addition to this site.

Lora - I am also so sorry for the loss of your daughter to a car wreck. It's not fair that we have to go through trying to deal with the pain of losing our child.

Summergirl - thank you, I too am so sorry for the loss of your daughter in 2007. You say she was your best friend and that is also the relationship Jennifer and I had. I read somewhere that losing an adult child is harder for some people as it is not only a child mother relationship but a friend as well. Regardless, losing a child is so, so horrible. That is nice you are raising your grandson. Jennifer became pregnant a couple years ago but unfortunately had a miscarriage. I know that doesn't replace the child you lost but would be so wonderful. Jennifer nannied for several years and just adored children. She wanted to have several and I was so ready to become a grandmother. I would tell her I get the grandbabies every other weekend and she would say but what if I have 5? I would tell her you can have 10, I still want them every other weekend.

MBN - thank you. You say you feel like you get signs from your precious son. It has been 6 months on the 14th and I have experienced a few things that I do think are signs from Jennifer. I have also woken up several times and know I have had dreams with her in them but don't remember the dreams which makes me sad. I think (and my husband agrees) that I am still so emotional most of the time that things are just fuzzy. I don't know when I am ever gona be not so emotional. In ways it seems as though the pain is getting worse. I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

Micheal Shane's mom - thank you, it takes a special person to work with children with special needs, and I admire anyone who can do that, especially a young man. I have a sister in law that works with terminally ill children, wow, something I could never do. Jennifer loved loved children and nannied for many years. She was in school working on a nursing degree and thought she would specialize in working with children with orthopedic disabilities. She had scholiosis as a child and had 2 back surgeries as well as one neck surgery. I know she would have been outstanding. This may sound crazy but I like to believe she is now in heaven working with all those children. I too am so sorry for the loss of your son.

Bonnie (Jason's mom) - I am so sorry for the loss of your son, your only child. When you talked about how you would sob, I know that too well. I just cry so much, sometimes for hours. I feel as though I could just cry forever, I have to force myself to stop. And so often just wish I would not wake up only to have to face yet another day without my baby. It seems for me the days are worse than the nights. One day I would like to become strong enough to do something with children as Jennifer had such a love for them and was so good with them. I love children too but when I look at them now it just makes me cry.

Dee- I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Erica, 9 years ago. Before all this happened I wanted to live to be very old, not now. And thank you for letting me know it is OK to talk of my baby in the present tense. I know she is with me but, I can't see her or hold her and that is what kills me. I just can't get the last few days out of my mind. We had been around each other for the previous 2 1/2 months 24/7 as she had been at the house with her dad and I then I went back to her apartment with her for 6 days. I came home that Sat to get some things done and was planning to go back to her apt the coming Wed. That Wed, she passed and I have so many regrets for coming home for a few days. So much sometimes that it just kills me. Jennifer always had the softest cheeks and skin and I would always rub her cheeks and kiss them so much. I will never forget how they feel.

Amy - I too am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. Jennifer just could not shake the pneumonia. On and off for 10 months. She too had blood clots except hers were in her lungs. They did put her on cumonin but the bruising she would get from that was just horrible. You said when you get home you just want to stay instead of venturing back out. I use to be one who was always on the go. Now, I don't want to leave my house unless I am with my husband or best friend (who lives 1 1/2 hour from me). So many times I have ventured out only to have to come back because the tears just start. It has happened with my husband and best friend but I am more comfortable out with them. I guess I feel safe at home and can cry without having to hold it in.

Gretchen and Kate - I too am sorry for the loss of your precious children. Thank you for letting me know it is OK to talk of my daughter in present tense and talk to my hearts content. So mcuh in my head. Grieving is so hard, I am experiencing migraines on almost a daily basis. I know people have said to try to take care of yourself. Well I can't even do that at this point. My sleeping, eating, everything just sucks. I guess when I am ready, it'll happen. I'm just grateful I don't work. I was going to school 3/4 but took the summer and fall off. Who knows what the spring semester will bring, I can't worry about that. I'm just so grateful to have the wonderful husband that I do. He has no problem with me not doing either and says no pressure to do until I am absolutely ready, which he thinks is going to be a while, I'm sure he is right.

Well I wish I could post more but have had to take 4 different types of med's today and still can't seem to shake this stupid migraine. Thank you for your support and understanding. And most of all, thanks for letting me babble, I hope I made sense. I am truly so sorry to each and every one of you for the loss of your precious children.

Take care,

Robins (Jennifers mom)

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to all of my indigo family: I have been reading your posts, but have justnot been able to respond. I am sorry for all of the new people here, as I know your pain over losing your precious child so very well, as we all do. Dee is so right when she describes the six month mark being so raw, as well as what she says about it seeming to make us think more of the "one year" mark that seems so very, very impossible. My heart goes out to you all and I hold you dear in my prayers. You have found a good place to be, here with all of us.

It has been a strange week for me. One week ago we stood in the funeral home, greeting friends at Mike's wake. Whereever I have gone for the past long time Mike has been by my side, whether it was out to eat, for a drive, to church, sitting at home, whatever. He was there with me on Wednesday, but in spirit. On the few occasions in the past year when I would be out without him, I would come home and as soon as I opened the front door, his smiling face would greet me from his chair. The chair is empty now. The house seems empty now. My tears seem endless and always at the forefront, ready to start again. I am so very glad and thankful that Kim is still here with me, but she has a family that needs her (In Virginia) and I know she will be leaving soon. I have yet to go out alone. Today I have an appointment with my therapist. I haven't seen him since the beginning of the year and I know that he will help me with this terrible new pain, as he has helped me in the past, but he can't take the time away that I must use now to walk this new journey. I know from walking the journey with losing young Mike that we must walk this journey...we must go through it, we cannot go around it nor can we deny it. Right now, though, the "knowing" is not helping. I want to wear a shroud and hide from the world. When young Mike died, I wore a black wristband that has "In Mourning" engraved on it. I wore it for one year. It is on my wrist again. I have learned (as we all have) that "sparing others' feelings" by "hiding" our grief only hurts us, so I will not hide my grief. The few times I have had to go out, have found me in tears before I finish the task at hand, and Kim will take me back to the car. Today I have to go not only to my therapist, but also to the VA to find out about how my share of Mike's VA benefits will be affected. Talk that I not only don't want to engage in, but don't even want to think about. Everyone has been very kind. If the tears start, I just tell them point blank that I have just lost my husband. For some reason, people don't seem to turn away from you when you tell them you lost your husband, like they often seem to do when you tell them you have just lost a child. Strange. We need the comfort and acceptance each time, yet I guess it is just too painful to think of the "out of order" in our life of losing our child. It is truly unthinkable.

I know that I am rambling, but I hope you all will be patient with me. I know this is a "Child loss" group, and my loss right now is so very different, but I do hope that you will give me some time to adjust, to focus. When young Mike died, I had my husband to turn to. He was so supportive, so very patient, and we did indeed share our pain and our memories and our journey. Now, this new journey finds me withour his precious "backup," that support that we all need so much.

I wanted to share a couple of things that have happened these last days. Our grandson, Davis,who lives with me, asked me the other day "Grandma, what do you think we will see now in twos?" He was of course, referring to his grandpa being with his uncle Mike now. I said "Davis, I don't know, hon, I guess we will just have to be open for whatever might come our way, just like we've been for Mike." On Saturday, three things happened. First, I opened the door in the morning to look out to see what kind of day it was going to be. It was beautiful, sunny, warm. I started to turn to look back into the living to speak to Kim, to say that I thought we should drive to the beach,that I wanted to put my feet in the sand and feel the water on my ankles. As I turned, I noticed the hydrangea bush that sits in front of our house, right up near the wall. It is now in its "September" drawdown, meaning it has turned from its bright summer white to its fall dark rose color. Soon it will be fading into a tan color and then dry out. I saw something that seemed to be sitting on top of the bush, almost like it was floating above it. I looked closer, and it was two new, bright white blooms, that were about a foot or so taller than the actual bush, both being blown about by the slight breeze that we had. What hydrangea in New England blooms inSeptember? And there were two. Later, when we walked out to leave for the beach (yes, we went, yes it was very, very sad, and yet...) I walked by a plant that I have at the end of the walkway that sends out long stems that have purple cone shaped flowers on the end, in the summer. This summer,with the weird weather we had and me not home to tend to them, they pretty much fried right after it had bloomed. I cut it down to the base sometime in July and hoped it would come back. It did, but only the leaves, no new flowers. Until now. Two new purple flowers, side by side. And perched on a stem next to them, a beautiful red dragonfly, gleaming in the sunshine. Never have seen a live red dragonfly before. Just like after young Mike died...a beautiful blue dragonfly came to me on our porch and landed on my knee and then my hand for about 15seconds. I had never seen a blue dragonfly before then. When we got to the beach, I broke down. So many times Mike and I would drive to the beach, and he would get out and sit on the bench and watch while I wandered down to the water to feel the salt water around my ankles. Sometimes he would wander down with me, but of late, he hadn't been able to do that. But, I persevered, as I had both of my daughters with me and they came with me to the water. On the way back, we noticed some footprints that were very much like their dad's (he had a distinct "duck walk"pattern that left funny footprints behind). We followed them up to the walkway, and just on the riser to the sidewalk, there was a new set of prints, different. The sole pattern was two hearts, one inside of the other. I will post the pics. My heart sings with these things that I take as signs from my precious two...too soon some say, too soon for such signs. Not, say I. I have always believed that "if you think it is sign, it is a sign." I need that comfort right now. I know that you all know what I mean. Comfort in any form is welcomed and held onto, wherever it might come from. And signs are comfort. At one point this summer, sometime in August, I had mentioned to my husband that I felt so bad that I hadn't tended to the flowers in our yard this summer, (fertilizing, etc., like I normally do) and that they had not done well this year. But most of them are perennials and I said "I can get to them next summer." He too liked having the flowers in the yard in summer. Seeing those double blooms on two of the flower producers in the yard broke my heart and comforted me all at the same time. I am sorry to have rambled. I do want to say thank you to all of you. I know you have kept us in your prayers all this time and have been thinking of us. You are dear to me, all of you. Sending love and prayers to you all.

PS: We received a truly beautiful flower arrangement for Mike's wake, and the tag read "From Your Indigo Friends." I don't know who was responsible for this, but we do thank you so very much, and it was so heartwarming to see the tag...I felt surrounded by love. Also, Karen came to visit us at the wake. I looked up and saw her coming towards me, and couldn't believe my eyes. Such a wonderful thing for her to do, to drive all the way up here from where she lives in Massachusetts to be with us. I saw all of you there in her presence, love coming to me, caring and comfort surrounding me. Thank you. thank you.

[cas1984]

Sarah's mama, I know how you feel , the 17 th will 6 months for me also , I cry at the drop of hat, all I want to do is sleep, I get really angry over such stupid things,the thought of living the rest of my life with him gone is something I cannot even think about , but I have to get up and do things I really do not want to do ,I think my sister got me to make the rose flowers and other things to just get me up , I still have a 10 year old to raise so I have to go on as much as I would like to just crawl in a hole and pull the dirt over me. I cant wait to not hurt so bad all the time, but I am like you how does it get easier? I miss him more every day. Just know you are not alone , keep coming here and some days you will only be able to read and sometimes you will post . Take Care Brenda

[ericasmom]

carol, I never would use the word RAMBLE for what your words do, more like dance and bend in the wind and weep and nurture. Your words are sustenance to all of us here, your wisdom and huge heart make it so. I too read your words for the funeral that took place one week ago...and already time seems unbelievable. How does one week pass in this way?

You just keep on keeping on Sweet Woman, doing what you must to find yourself each day. IT is easy to lose sight of oneself in grief, who are we today, right now, what about tomorrow? Remember we are changed as we would expect but we are basically still the basic human that was here before tragedy and sickness. YOu are still recognizable to us Carol, as the woman who takes care of so many in and out of each day.

[daveydow1]

Carol------I'm glad you are back here with us....and so good to see your post. Thanks for

the pics. Lovely signs that appeared to let you know that your dear husband, Ralph,

and dear son, Mike, are sending you, and looking down.... Special blooming of the flowers,

and a red dragonfly.

You are right......these signs are worth their weight in gold to us, and they serve to remind

us that our dearly beloved are just on the other side of that 'thin veil'. We couldn't find the

right white rose bush to plant for Davey this summer, so my husband bought & planted a

honeysuckle bush near the back patio......(we said it was for Dave). Imagine our surprise

when we woke up one a.m. to find several blooms on it (white & yellow). The fragrance

is heavenly. I agree with Dee--- your kindness, and dear words are ones to look forward to,

here on BI. My heart goes out to you as you must live these sad days again, and mark the

time that passes after another sad loss. Am hoping that your therapist can help you,

as he did before, with your sorrow. My heart to you, my BI friend.

Brenda-----Your Baby Sock Bouquet is just so very cute. Thanks for posting a pic so we

can see just how adorable they are. Can't think that I could ever make anything that looked

so cute. My sister could probably do it, but she's the 'craftsy' one in the family. She once

made puppets and sold them to libraries for children's librarians to use for story time.

Also, she made little figures from nursery rhymes....made out of felt, and also had sold

them to libraries. She's always in charge of decorations....costumes.....etc. at Halloween

festivities, and was once in a community theater group in the costumes dept. Hope you

get all the baby booties done.

Sarahsmom, Robins, and Brenda------Thoughts & prayers as you approach the 6 months mark

on this rough journey. As Dee said----these days can be so very agonizing at this early stage.

Stick with us here at BI. Peace & comfort.

Dee----How's your allergies ? I hope that as the days get cooler, that they will subside. I got

some prescription cream from the dermatologists today. Hope it helps my 'itchiness'. I

guess they felt that what I have is def an allergy to something. The heck of it is....if you don't

know exactly WHAT it is that is bothering your system and causing allergies,....how can you

avoid it....stay away from it. LOL ????

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Sholl1955]

Thank you to all for your support and kind words. Right now I read more than I write but want you all to know how much reading from those who really understand means to me. I have been told not to make any major decisions right now, but I am having to make some pretty major ones right now and pray they are the right ones. I hope to one day be encouraging to others struggling through this nightmare. Thank you for being here.

Sandy

[cas1984]

Im so close to my yr without my boy! My Birthday passed in June and celebrate without him Im sry there was nothing to celebrate. It wasnt the same. The house feels different he lit up a room w his smile .When I learn how to work this site Ill finish my profile & post pictures.. I dont feel he finished his purpose in life. I have.He is just like Mama, We wanted our animal absolute no kill shelter . He brought home every stray human or animal. Never knew the word no & many girls saw him coming they knew he is a push over! Whats unfair is why him why not me? Im 46 full of illness one extreme to another hes 27 so healthy full of life just very depressed over not being able to see his daughter since his wife prior to thier marriage put another guy on Eternity Loves Birth certificate so other than her 2nd mobth to her 6th month and 6 months they lived w us when she was 2 yrs old all he got was very seldom pizza n park visits under a hr but very costly so some dads dont want to be there and then the ones that do, the girl uses baby as weapons bank deposits. sad! The drastuc horrible thing about the 1 yr mark coming in 4 months is its supposed to subside w time not hurt more & tho life goes in & ppl who he helped & didnt want nothing but a thank u & to be loved! Where are all those ppl not even a dollar store fake rose in his casket. He saw that 30 ppl attended his wake & most hadnt even textd him un yrs until they needed something At 27 30 ppl how sad and we often talkd about whats tabboo for alot we wanted to knw casket or cremated he said neither! Great Thx Cassidy! Not possible We talkd about us coming back somehow to let the other know what happens after & if we are ok to comfort the other bcus we were closer than most due to my disassociative abnesia regressing to a 17 yr old for a yr. Ill share at a later time.Tomorrows is going to play in my head like a video 8 months Oh Lord Its going to be like Mother's Day, My Birthday,and his Daddy's Day& he £ovez Easter so all hard hard emotional times just heart crushing but Easter especially bcus he stated last yr llets go get our Easter Bunny pictures Mama this is my last. I took it to heart & off we went to the mall.Cas my hero my protector right hand he put my wheelchair in my Honda trunk & then Turkey Day he said the same thing! I never doubted he'd die before 30 yrs old but I thought Id go first, it was enevitable. To all I may have offended w the God questions like a kid but if I don' t ask I'll never know pls dont take anything I say personal! I dont think before I say

thinkn isnt my fortay, isnt my practice Might be a good thing but right now I dont or havent cared about paying my bills! I knw life goes on move on cas wud want that blah blah no he wudnt he truly wanted us to die together when i found out another valve wasnt working. so I know how attatched we are& hated/ hate being apart! ie:10 months Military academy nitemare couldnt breath All are diff hes selfish that way me too!