Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to all of my wonderful friends and "family"from Beyond Indigo/Grieving.com. Yes, it is 2 am, and sleep is not to be found in any corner, so I am taking a moment to drop in and tell you all how much your love and support havemeant to me over these past months, as I travelled a very, very sad journeywith my husband. It has been a hecticcouple of days recently and I know that Trudi has graciously kept you updatedfor me and I thank her so very, very much.

I would like to share with you what I managed to post onMike's Care Pages and also in a post on FB, as I know that some of you are not on those othersites and I did want to share my feelings with all of you. The expressions of love and thankfulness inboth of these posts are directed at all of you, as well. How I ever would have travelled this roadwithout you, I do not know..the unique understanding given by all of you on this site is unlike any other I can find anywhere, and you all truly provideoxygen to me when I feel I can't find it on my own,. I am eternally thankful to all of you.

This was my Care Pages update: I wanted to come here myself to tell you allthat our precious Mike left this earth this morning at 8:30 am to join his Lordand Savior, his son and many other loved ones who have paved the path for him.He was home at the time...he was so, so happy to be here. The night before hecame home, at the hospital, after learning that he was not going home that day,he kept reaching up now and again to remove his cannulla and so we tried to putthe oxygen mask on because we thought the cannulla was bothering him, but hepushed the mask away as well. And so we let it be. A few times over the courseof the next few hours, though he seemed to be in his own world, he would reachover and grasp my hand. A few times, hereached up to me (I was sitting on the side of the bed) and pull me to him,wrapping his arms around me, locking his hands behind me, and holding me close tohis chest for a short time, then push me gently away. I knew in my heart he was saying goodbye andmy heart broke even more than I thought it could. When he finally came home yesterday (by thistime, at the hospital, he had become mostly uncommunicative) and we got himsettled into his bed and he looked around at his home and his family, his facebrightened like the sun outside the window, and he raised both hands and said"help" and reached for his mouth and nose area. I knew he wanted hiscannulla that he had pushed away so pointedly the night before, and when Iplaced it on his face, he took as deep a breath as he could and relaxed, andonce again, looked around at everyone with smiling eyes, greeting each one whoapproached his side with a pat on their hand or a handclasp, and a raspy wordor two in recognition. When the nurse came later, and I told her what hadhappened about the cannulla and mask at the hospital and then here, she told methat many times when a person is "ready to go" they will try toremove the oxygen tubes because they think that is what is keeping them alive.And so, when Mike came home, he truly wanted those last breaths to help him bewith us, here in his home, where he was so happy to be once again. We have beenblessed over and over again. I was blessed 48 years ago to have this man entermy life. I will carry him with me forever.

And this was my FB post: Facebook is an odd place to come to at such an important, heartbreakingtime, some might say. But I say, it is a way to communicate when other ways areeither too complicated, uncertain or just plain not doable right now. My reasonnow is all three, along with my scrambled eggs brain that is my currentoperating system. I want to express to all of you how very much I and ourfamily appreciate all of your support, love and caring during this heartbreakingjourney that ended yesterday with the passing of my awesome, devoted, andunique husband, Mike (Ralph to some). The heartbreak of the journey endedyesterday, but the GLORY of the journey for him began. I know that our son,Mike, met him, and led him to their Lord, and like our son, my husband, fatherto our children, grandfather to their children and wonderful friend to many isnow pain free forever.

My daughter posted this song on her page in her post abouther dad, and while it is heartbreaking to listen to, in some strange way itdoes truly bring comfort. (there havebeen many times during our marriage, when he would sing a song to me thatcontained the words "I'll stop and wait for you, darlin', just beyond themoon," so the last two lines of this song are particularly special tome...)

http://www.juzp.net/OH8F94j5YRPuq

[Guest]

.

[tantraman8]

Hello to all of my wonderful friends and "family"from Beyond Indigo/Grieving.com. Yes, it is 2 am, and sleep is not to be found in any corner, so I am taking a moment to drop in and tell you all how much your love and support havemeant to me over these past months, as I travelled a very, very sad journeywith my husband. It has been a hecticcouple of days recently and I know that Trudi has graciously kept you updatedfor me and I thank her so very, very much.

I would like to share with you what I managed to post onMike's Care Pages and also in a post on FB, as I know that some of you are not on those othersites and I did want to share my feelings with all of you. The expressions of love and thankfulness inboth of these posts are directed at all of you, as well. How I ever would have travelled this roadwithout you, I do not know..the unique understanding given by all of you on this site is unlike any other I can find anywhere, and you all truly provideoxygen to me when I feel I can't find it on my own,. I am eternally thankful to all of you.

This was my Care Pages update: I wanted to come here myself to tell you allthat our precious Mike left this earth this morning at 8:30 am to join his Lordand Savior, his son and many other loved ones who have paved the path for him.He was home at the time...he was so, so happy to be here. The night before hecame home, at the hospital, after learning that he was not going home that day,he kept reaching up now and again to remove his cannulla and so we tried to putthe oxygen mask on because we thought the cannulla was bothering him, but hepushed the mask away as well. And so we let it be. A few times over the courseof the next few hours, though he seemed to be in his own world, he would reachover and grasp my hand. A few times, hereached up to me (I was sitting on the side of the bed) and pull me to him,wrapping his arms around me, locking his hands behind me, and holding me close tohis chest for a short time, then push me gently away. I knew in my heart he was saying goodbye andmy heart broke even more than I thought it could. When he finally came home yesterday (by thistime, at the hospital, he had become mostly uncommunicative) and we got himsettled into his bed and he looked around at his home and his family, his facebrightened like the sun outside the window, and he raised both hands and said"help" and reached for his mouth and nose area. I knew he wanted hiscannulla that he had pushed away so pointedly the night before, and when Iplaced it on his face, he took as deep a breath as he could and relaxed, andonce again, looked around at everyone with smiling eyes, greeting each one whoapproached his side with a pat on their hand or a handclasp, and a raspy wordor two in recognition. When the nurse came later, and I told her what hadhappened about the cannulla and mask at the hospital and then here, she told methat many times when a person is "ready to go" they will try toremove the oxygen tubes because they think that is what is keeping them alive.And so, when Mike came home, he truly wanted those last breaths to help him bewith us, here in his home, where he was so happy to be once again. We have beenblessed over and over again. I was blessed 48 years ago to have this man entermy life. I will carry him with me forever.

And this was my FB post: Facebook is an odd place to come to at such an important, heartbreakingtime, some might say. But I say, it is a way to communicate when other ways areeither too complicated, uncertain or just plain not doable right now. My reasonnow is all three, along with my scrambled eggs brain that is my currentoperating system. I want to express to all of you how very much I and ourfamily appreciate all of your support, love and caring during this heartbreakingjourney that ended yesterday with the passing of my awesome, devoted, andunique husband, Mike (Ralph to some). The heartbreak of the journey endedyesterday, but the GLORY of the journey for him began. I know that our son,Mike, met him, and led him to their Lord, and like our son, my husband, fatherto our children, grandfather to their children and wonderful friend to many isnow pain free forever.

My daughter posted this song on her page in her post abouther dad, and while it is heartbreaking to listen to, in some strange way itdoes truly bring comfort. (there havebeen many times during our marriage, when he would sing a song to me thatcontained the words "I'll stop and wait for you, darlin', just beyond themoon," so the last two lines of this song are particularly special tome...)

http://www.juzp.net/OH8F94j5YRPuq

Dear Carol,

I am so sorry for your loss. Your posts shine with the Beauty of the your and Mike's love. I too, have lost a love...and a son; Catherine in April of 2010 and my son Josh this past April 25th. So, your sharing is precious to me. Sending you love and gentleness from Tucson.

David

[ericasmom]

Holding you Carol, in my thoughts, prayers and heart.

[daveydow1]

Dear friend Carol-----Your post brought many tears to my eyes.....also, the song

"My dear Friend". ( I confess that I could only listen to half of it). Your words

about bringing your beloved husband, Ralph, home.....and of his last moments

must have been heartbreaking for you to write. Since you have come onto BI,

we have all been touched by your many posts before, and after, Ralph became

so gravely ill. I have come to "know" Ralph through those posts, and although

I never had the opportunity to meet your family in person, I still have a feeling

of closeness to you all. I am glad that you were able to bring Ralph home to his

familiar surroundings so that he could pass gently into the waiting arms of

the Lord, and to those of beloved son, Mike. And now.....my heart goes out to

you and your entire family. May you find peace and strength. Thoughts & Prayers.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Weeping as I listen again to the perfect sound of Cathi's voice and the words that say EVERYTHING that hearts say when broken.

Carol, Sherri is so right, you have always shared your heart so readily, and you continue to even now. We hold you up. Your whole family.

[shorty16]

Carol,

Your Husband is with our angels. And that is a great thing. The loss of his physical being is difficult and you will forever miss him. He is dancing in heaven - nothing to hold him back now.

My love to you my friend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[mikesmum]

Carol ~ I just have an image of Mike and 'Ralph' together. I got to know them both knowing you...the love never ever ends. My heart to you in these coming days.

[ericasmom]

How is Everyone on this quiet Sunday? It is cloudy and windy here, not as much rain from Isacc as they predicted for our area, but some. Knowing I have tomorrow off is a good feeling, last week knocked me out it was so hot in the classroom and so busy.

[tantraman8]

How is Everyone on this quiet Sunday? It is cloudy and windy here, not as much rain from Isacc as they predicted for our area, but some. Knowing I have tomorrow off is a good feeling, last week knocked me out it was so hot in the classroom and so busy.

Hello Dee,

Sunny and hot (big surprise!!) here in Tucson. I'm doing well, in the moment. Since Josh passed, I'm learning that I seem to do well during the day and encounter a lot of my anxiety and sadness in the evening. I took myself to see "Snow White and the Huntsman" at the cheapie theatre last night. My previous trip to the movies was Disney/Pixars "Brave"....a cartoon. In both I found myself crying hard! Imagine what would happen if I went to a "heavy" movie. I'm finding, in these first few months, that when I'm in huge anxiety or the deep void of Josh not being on this plane, I find myself wanting to die too. And then, I wake up today, go for a walk facing the Tucson mountains, drink coffee in the stillness of the morning, fill up my gas tank and go work out, and, at noon, on this quiet Sunday, I'm back to being OK with existing on the planet.

About the dying stuff, I'm guessing that I'm not "unique" in being a parent who wanted to escape the pain of this kind of loss, via not existing. AND, I have three adult children whom I would never want to send the message that suicide is OK. But, Dee, my IBS and anxiety sometimes are so severe, as is the loneliness, that not existing really feels like it would be the end to " a life of struggle." It amazes me cuz I keep getting messages that I am being taken care of and the "all is well." UGHHH, hard to hold onto that though, this early.

You were right though. I can already tell that being on Family Medical Leave... working four days, rather than five , is MUCH MUCH better for me......even if this grieving is difficult, it is better for me to at least have the opportunity to rest.... to walk....maybe even to connect face to face with one of my few friends.... or.... maybe even make some new ones.

Enjoy tomorrow. I'm so glad you are on here.

David

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, Dee, doing OK here on this rainy day, we really needed the rain so I am not complaining ,I just get so depressed on days like this . I cant even think about winter let alone the holidays , when I think about them I can feel a panic attack starting. how do I get through the holidays? I literately cannot handle it, I went in the store the other day and saw Halloween stuff out and I had to leave forgot what I went in there for. well my family and I went to see my DnL and grand kids , we went by my sons grave and and I got them all balloons and they stuck them in the ground and decorated his grave . then my 5 year old grandson Jordan said he wished his daddy had not died and my sister said we all felt that way and he said he wished he could have buried him in his back yard that way he could see him everyday. and my granddaughter Jayden talked about her daddy all the way home. she said I bet my daddy is riding the most amazing motorcycle or he may be watching Football , or maybe delivering mail as that was his job before he died, she was talking to Kaleb my 10 year old who is her uncle so funny to say that . anyway I really enjoyed my time with them. I am thinking of selling some of my drawings to help raise money for their Christmas ,I don't know I have never done that and have no idea how to do it.. so I will be looking in to that .Well I hope you enjoy your time off . Love Brenda

I add a few pictures of the kids decorating his grave , the last one broke my heart as Jayden picked out the I Love you and put it in the ground and then just sat there in thought looking at it. I just wondered what she was thinking.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Carol, My heart to you. Consider yourself hugged. ((hugs))! Wish we could be there to really hug you as you go through this time. Our hearts are with you though.

Susan, I am right there with you, as I wake everyday to the thoughts of Jared's last moments, and not being able to say goodbye to him before he left us. Our babies died only a short time apart, and were so close in age, that I hope they know each other in heaven. I also completely understand where you are as far as not being able to dwell too long on the facts of how they died, as it is too horrible to take in. My son, Jared, never so much as had a broken bone before he was struck down so violently. The rain does nothing to soften my mood, but sometimes I feel that heaven is crying with me for my loss and pain.

Stay with us, Susan, stay with me. Your daughter and my son's eyes light up heaven now, as they did when they walked into a room when here.

[ericasmom]

David so good to hear from you. Yes, existing is not always what we feel like putting energy into and yet...the alternative throws everyone else we love in the double duty of this grief, so we know we can't just leave. The other reason we can't just leave is our Sweeties that left. I think that they are rooting for us to live, to really LIVE outloud, to find our voices that have been so quieted by their leaving, to find what we truly believe in and LIVE. Just my take but I think so. When I think of all the descriptors of our KIDS by all the Parents and Caregivers here, I think that they are united in wanting us to live well knowing that we will meet again. Glad that 4 days is helping out. I think it was a very good move on your part. Yes, getting outside and working your body is also key to finding a bit of balance, those endorphins develop even when our hearts break. Our body cycles continue adn we must pay attention. Keep on keepin on David.

Brenda, love the photos you posted. OH the ache in the kids hearts but the work on their Daddy's grave must have made them feel that they were doing some good work. Making Daddy proud. I think that having a goal to help your DIL create a Christmas is a great way to answer your own question: how will I go through the holidays? I know for me, even before Eri died, and along with Eri, we always went shopping for kids in a local emergency foster/orphanage. We have always done so, when Jonathan and Erica were little we would get a list of wants from a family and from the NEEDIEST CHILDRENS' FUND and purchase for them. When the question of why can't santa provide came up, I just said Santa can only do so much, we need to be his helpers. So we have a way to get through holidays knowing that someone's light will shine on those in most need. If you look around at local stores that sell art work or maybe looking for area craft fairs in which to put up a booth...Good luck Brenda.

[tobyfreefoot]

david--i have been in your shoes and still struggle some days. i also have 3 "grown" children that i don't want to know how i feel sometimes. they are what keeps me here but sometimes i just can't wait to be buried beside my loving child and be done. when i can i like to just lay on top of his grave. i know he is not far below because one stormy night when my granddaughter was born i went to the cemetery to tell him and found a large sinkhole. as i knelt in the mud trying to retrieve the mementos we had left there i found myself clawing at the vault. i work nights so i don't have to deal with that night anxiety so much but i do experience it on my days off and for some reason when i am in the bathtub. maybe because my mind just drifts.

brenda-love the pics! my family has always done as dee's and provided for needy kids even when we were pretty needy ourselves-there is always someone needier, a tradition of providing for kids that are hurting in their own way might be nice.

susan-it is nice to here from you. thanks for sharing with me. hope you will stay in touch with us.

dee-do you 'spose this will just take place in due time?

[daveydow1]

David---Good to see your post. I'm glad that you are on a 4-day work week, rather

than 5 days. Sometimes that extra day can make a positive difference......more time

to relax, and let the peacefulness of nature calm the soul. Take care, friend.

Brenda------Peace & prayers for you and your family, including those dear grandies.

Thanks for posting the pics.

Becky-----I agree----sometimes it becomes so difficult to keep the strong negative

feelings away. The driver, who killed your son, JD, seems to be oblivious as to

the tragedy she has caused, and the ever-present heartbreak and sorrow that

comes with losing a child. I still wrestle with this problem of negative feelings

toward the truck driver who killed my son........not constantly, after this long

time (9yrs.), but it does come creeping back now & then. I try not to think about

that, and just keep trying to honor my son's memory... .....as you are doing for your dear

beloved JD. Thoughts & prayers, friend.

Susan-----Wondering how you are doing? I hope you are finding some measure

of peace. Keep coming to BI.

Maddy-----Thinking of you and sending prayers.

Dee-----Weather here was hot yesterday....milder today. Some rain, but not anything

serious. We've turned the corner now----Summer's gone. We still have veggies

from the garden. I made wilted lettuce yesterday, with leaf lettuce from the garden.

The first planting was wiped out by the drought earlier in the summer, but my

husband replanted, so now we have a new crop. I hope the weather there in

Chicago gets milder, so the school is not so hot. The kids must be somewhat

figet-y when it's so hot.

Colleen----Good to see Brian's dear smile.

Betty.....Rhonda----- Trudi---------How are you? Hope all is ok.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[tantraman8]

Dear Dee, Gretchen, and Sherry,

Thanks all for your replies. Today, I got together, as per usual with my best male bud, Tim. Tim was talking with me about the reality that doing things to distract myself from "being in the moment" just prolongs my grief. Gretchen, I don't know if this will help, but I got a HUGE realization, as was listening. What came to me, is that when I am in tremendous pain or huge anxiety, often, I project that into the future. Unconsciously, I tell myself I will ALWAYS feel the anxiety, I will ALWAYS feel the heartbreaking sadness. Instead of being with the feeling, I resist it. I find myself, in that moment, hating the sadness/pain, hating the anxiety. It's in those times, when it feels like it will NEVER end, that I just want life to be over. I think I need to let myself feel it. And, actually sometimes the sadness feels cleansing, like my body is releasing the tears. But, the anxiety...it's hard to be hopeful when the adrenaline is coursing through my body, and certainly harder to "be with it" without projecting feeling it the rest of my life. So, I get it Gretchen. When I'm there, it feels like life is a bad dream and that it will never be peaceful, joyful, or sweet again.

I also believe what you guys are saying as well, that Josh would be/is cheering for me to have the most joyful, most peaceful, most abundant life...perhaps even more so, with the rest of my life.

But the OTHER thing I absolutely KNOW is that I cannot heal with support. So, thank you all for your encouragement, compassion and honesty.

Love and gentleness to all of us on our journey,

David

[ericasmom]

Sorry Gretchen, when you ask do you suppose this will happen soon, do you mean not fighting the terrible sadness? I guess I am remembering from when I was in the time zone of grief that you are in, that so many here are in and I only know from my own experience and from what those have also added, that there is no way around grief, no way to avoid the giant hole we fall in, that hole is no fun at all, the pain is huge I know, but there are so many chunks of goodness and knowledge that will come as you dig your way out. I know folks that feel that they can put it off, or folks who put grief off because of obligations to young ones, so grief can be a sustained kind of background setting...for a while, but eventually, the full strength of who we miss and how we are going to live now comes and we at some point, have to let it wash over us. We feel we will drown in it, we sometimes wish we would, but what we don't realize is keeping it at bay takes as much or more energy than meeting it head on. One way or another we will stare down grief in the mirror, we will lay in the dirt at the gravesites and sound like wounded animals, we are wounded animals. There will be times that we find ourselves unrecognizable but take heart, our Angels know who we are, they spot us and they love us in all of our many shades of grief. We find out who we are when we incorporate our grief into our lives. We never wanted this new appendage, but we have it so we learn.

Becky, you and I posted at the same time. I know that as you approach that mark of time your lives feel tense and agitated. I am glad that your Daughter talks to you and lets you know how she is feeling. My Son could not let me know much back then when we were heading into the first year mark. He only could say how very angry he was and beyond that could not discuss Erica. It was later with the lawyers that he had to talk a bit more, had to release a bit more. THere are so many parents like yourself who sit near each other in time, you have been good support to one another.

Sherry, a bit cooler now after a humid stretch of days. The last blue moon until 2015 is waning now, but bright in a cloudless sky. I know, the stalks of so many plants stand brown and crisp, no longer producing flowers. It will be time for mums and then autumn clematis and that is about it, though the black and blue salvia continues as do the cardinal flowers and cana. But the swirl of colors from just a few weeks ago is over. The finch dig deeply into the sunflower heads for the last of the seeds. The garden is closing up shop.

[ericasmom]

David, love the wording, Most abundant life. Yes, I do believe Josh wants that for you, knowing that it will take time to build from the ashes. And indeed i agree, partnering with others here is the most helpful connection we could have.

Sleep tight All,

dee

[BrendaDup59]

David so good to hear from you. Yes, existing is not always what we feel like putting energy into and yet...the alternative throws everyone else we love in the double duty of this grief, so we know we can't just leave. The other reason we can't just leave is our Sweeties that left. I think that they are rooting for us to live, to really LIVE outloud, to find our voices that have been so quieted by their leaving, to find what we truly believe in and LIVE. Just my take but I think so. When I think of all the descriptors of our KIDS by all the Parents and Caregivers here, I think that they are united in wanting us to live well knowing that we will meet again. Glad that 4 days is helping out. I think it was a very good move on your part. Yes, getting outside and working your body is also key to finding a bit of balance, those endorphins develop even when our hearts break. Our body cycles continue adn we must pay attention. Keep on keepin on David.

Brenda, love the photos you posted. OH the ache in the kids hearts but the work on their Daddy's grave must have made them feel that they were doing some good work. Making Daddy proud. I think that having a goal to help your DIL create a Christmas is a great way to answer your own question: how will I go through the holidays? I know for me, even before Eri died, and along with Eri, we always went shopping for kids in a local emergency foster/orphanage. We have always done so, when Jonathan and Erica were little we would get a list of wants from a family and from the NEEDIEST CHILDRENS' FUND and purchase for them. When the question of why can't santa provide came up, I just said Santa can only do so much, we need to be his helpers. So we have a way to get through holidays knowing that someone's light will shine on those in most need. If you look around at local stores that sell art work or maybe looking for area craft fairs in which to put up a booth...Good luck Brenda.

Hi Dee, I always put up a HUGE Christmas display every bush and ,tree has lights along with all the displays . I just don't know how to even think about doing it, with such sadness in my heart I keep hearing I still have Kaleb to think about and I know that just try telling my heart that... I think I may have to go on medication to just deal with it .. the thought of Brian not being there just brings me to tears let alone his brother I guess will not be there either as he is still not speaking to me. we do have a little ray of light my niece's baby will be there a little girl who I can not wait to see. but seeing Halloween throws me in to a panic having dreary days I dislike winter so much I am a sun person I am really afraid of the depression I will get in to I guess one day at a time .pretty much what I am doing now. .

[BrendaDup59]

David---Good to see your post. I'm glad that you are on a 4-day work week, rather

than 5 days. Sometimes that extra day can make a positive difference......more time

to relax, and let the peacefulness of nature calm the soul. Take care, friend.

Brenda------Peace & prayers for you and your family, including those dear grandies.

Thanks for posting the pics.

Becky-----I agree----sometimes it becomes so difficult to keep the strong negative

feelings away. The driver, who killed your son, JD, seems to be oblivious as to

the tragedy she has caused, and the ever-present heartbreak and sorrow that

comes with losing a child. I still wrestle with this problem of negative feelings

toward the truck driver who killed my son........not constantly, after this long

time (9yrs.), but it does come creeping back now & then. I try not to think about

that, and just keep trying to honor my son's memory... .....as you are doing for your dear

beloved JD. Thoughts & prayers, friend.

Susan-----Wondering how you are doing? I hope you are finding some measure

of peace. Keep coming to BI.

Maddy-----Thinking of you and sending prayers.

Dee-----Weather here was hot yesterday....milder today. Some rain, but not anything

serious. We've turned the corner now----Summer's gone. We still have veggies

from the garden. I made wilted lettuce yesterday, with leaf lettuce from the garden.

The first planting was wiped out by the drought earlier in the summer, but my

husband replanted, so now we have a new crop. I hope the weather there in

Chicago gets milder, so the school is not so hot. The kids must be somewhat

figet-y when it's so hot.

Colleen----Good to see Brian's dear smile.

Betty.....Rhonda----- Trudi---------How are you? Hope all is ok.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

Hi Sherry, thanks , I do not know what I would do with out them ,

[ericasmom]

Brenda those first holidays without Eri were very very difficult to be sure. Many tears, many changes to what our normal seasonal output and traditions were. They have been changed due to her not being here. The one remaining tradition is to shop for others that are in need and this gives me purpose and drive. It brings light to me and to those who are in hope of some magic. My class shops online for a family that we adopt each year. I collect whatever the students families can give in order for them to realize how it feels to choose for others. Some friends of mine serve dinner at the soup kitchen each year since they lost their Boy. I think Colleen makes sure that her family does something different each year as well, correct me Col if I am wrong. The firsts are so very hard, somehow though, we get through them. Some of us have never returned to our old traditions because we just can't while others find strong comfort in them. Each of us must find what is best.

[tobyfreefoot]

hey dee! what i was wondering is-do you think it will take place in due time or do i have to make a forced concerted effort to go through it? i feel like i just go through my days and everything is ok. forest is with me in the shadows of my mind, lurking around corners, not always in the forefront but it is like he lives with me, inside me all the time which seems good, doesn't make me sad but it is in the moments that sweep over me unexpectedly "forest is DEAD" that cause me to shout NO! aloud. then my mind just clicks over and goes on with my day. i don't think it is intentional just automatic.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

48 weeks today, Jared. We ♥ U Infinity, miss U so much...

Everyday is another in the count of days without you,

but also one day closer to seeing you again on the other side....

[BrendaDup59]

48 weeks today, Jared. We ♥ U Infinity, miss U so much...

Everyday is another in the count of days without you,

but also one day closer to seeing you again on the other side....

He sure is a handsome guy ... I think I ask you before what program you use was it photo shop? did you get it online or buy it? I want to find out how to change the background on some of the pictures I have of Brian ..

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I think that that is how I traveled too, and still am caught at times with the NOOOOO, and go on with my day after a good cry. No, I think that if you feel Forest in your days and you allow your heart to be heavy when it is, then you are going through it, some days may be good, or better, and some days will purely suck the wind out of your lungs, but it sounds like you are not avoiding your deep loss at all. There was a 'hangover feeling' each day in those first years, especially for me anyhow, like extra fuzzy weight in my heart and mind. One feels the struggle of finding ones steps in those times. Forest must be very proud of the steps you are taking Dear. These are the hardest steps to take.

Becky, those beautiful eyes, smiling on you each day.

[tantraman8]

Gretchen, I think that that is how I traveled too, and still am caught at times with the NOOOOO, and go on with my day after a good cry. No, I think that if you feel Forest in your days and you allow your heart to be heavy when it is, then you are going through it, some days may be good, or better, and some days will purely suck the wind out of your lungs, but it sounds like you are not avoiding your deep loss at all. There was a 'hangover feeling' each day in those first years, especially for me anyhow, like extra fuzzy weight in my heart and mind. One feels the struggle of finding ones steps in those times. Forest must be very proud of the steps you are taking Dear. These are the hardest steps to take.

Becky, those beautiful eyes, smiling on you each day.

OMG, Dee!! THANK YOU for describing the "hangover feeling!" That's the first time anyone has put it into words for me and "extra fuzzy WEIGHT" fits so well too!

And thank you again, Gretchen...around your "concerted effort" question. I am having the same experience of being OK....and then HUGE grief around Josh not being here on this plane, and for me... the "NO" and a sense of not wanting to be in this life. And, when I'm NOT in deep pain or tears or focused on Josh, I get into wondering if I'm avoiding my grief.

Both of you, this morning, Gretchen and Dee are SOOOOOO helpful (tears here). It's so easy to feel "lost" and estranged from others and life. Thank you both.

OOPS.....and Becky....I agree SO MUCH with Dee....Jared is a beautiful angel!!

Love,

David

[tobyfreefoot]

"Love is not the seed; it is the ground in which the seed is planted." 14 months gone love never dies ♥

[ericasmom]

David, I am glad that the words lain down here are healing for you. Everyone assists Everyone here, it is a community that nobody else would get, but it sure is a place I love. I think that part of the issue of those first years especially is that we have to find out who we are in the loss, who we become, what has changed within us and how it manifests itself. Part of us is the old us but there is a new part and it is foreign for a time until we incorporate it. It is often being lost in one's own life, until you forge further ahead and carve out the new rooms needed to accommodate the new.

Gretchen, LOVE never dies, once here always here, I love the photo of you and the Fam.

[shorty16]

Hello my dear friends,

I wish I could color or enlarge this post, but Windows 2010 seems to have disabled that function - Administrator Help?

********

David, Gretchen, JD's Mom and the others that are new to this journey. Dee's words are very wise. She and Sherry have traveled this road before me and have provided safe places for me to rest my head between break-downs.

There will come a time when you will be able to put this loss in a box and place that box on a shelf for later. That takes a long time, but it will be possible. We will never stop going to that box, but sometimes, the box will bring us joy with wonderful, funny memories of our kids.

*******

I sure hope everyone is enjoying the Labor Day weekend doing what I am doing - NOTHING and loving it.

My heart is here with others who know the steps I take on this path as a bereaved parent.

Love to you all, and a piece of my heart is with you, my son, Brian.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[ericasmom]

Hi Col, I can't enlarge or color from school computer anymore either, but at home I am good. Yes, Sherry and I are here for many years and feel so glad that our help helped you the way your words and advice have helped so many that have come after you. It is a circle---we keep enlarging our circle, we wish it was not needed of course, but it is, so the help we gave is the help you give, and is the help that those new will pass along too.

A song that allows my tears to just flow and flow and sometimes the flow allows for a lighter feeling later on.

[ericasmom]

This was my version of Fix You, a poem I wrote many years ago.

Fix You

If I could have fixed the breakage, I would have

I would have reached into the tissue and healed it like new,

Repaired the broken wires like I wanted the doctors to do,

But my hopes and prayers were met with your leaving instead.

If I could have repaired what took you,

You would be living right now,

In a town of your liking,

In a city perhaps,near the sea,

Or maybe right here, where you grew up,

with me.

By,

Dee Conmy

[Guest]

.

[ericasmom]

Lora, I understand about the goodness and the positive energy surrounding the fundraisers, but the low afterwards is automatic for me as well. It makes sense really, your output of energy leading up to and on those big events is good, driven by good, and the sad facts remain almost blindingly evident following the events. Still, the good outweighs the difficult in raising funds in the names of our Kids.

I don't know how you are functioning with so many hours devoted to work. My hats off to you Lora. Take good care. Glad that you finally had a day off.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, The day I lost my son Brian 3/17/12 I was out shopping with my mom and when my son was killed I was in Lowes ( home improvement store) every time I thought about going back in to that store I would get sick and feel an anxiety attack start .. well today I went shopping there I did OK in the store but on the way home I could not hold back the tears ,I wish I could go back and change what happened that day ,I wish it had rained , or that he just did not buy that bike but I cant... I just miss him so much. this month will be 6 months so hard to believe .

Well I ask Brian for a sign he was around , I have seen the color Orange, the word orange , orange every where, when we went to see my grand children on Sunday , I looked at my husband and said I wonder how many Orange vehicles we will see today a few minutes later we saw a solid Orange 18 wheeler and within an hour we saw 5 more , and that's not counting the semi's that had orange cabs but the trailers were silver .. I just felt like I could hear him say "There you go Mom "

[heartbeataway]

Just dropping by to say hello .....

Sadly, there are many new faces and names which means new loss. For some reason, school starting and fall coming starts this spiral for me. Jay had not been in school for a long time and I really don't get the connection.

Maybe it's all the family references. I don't have a clue!

This place has always been a safe haven for me and I hope it's the same place for all of you "newbies".

Blessings,

Bonnie

[Guest]

....

[ericasmom]

Betsy, how are you these days? Finding a place to rest each day?

[ericasmom]

HAPPY ORANGE DAY TO YOU BRENDA. We used to have a member here whose Daughter also loved Orange.

[BrendaDup59]

HAPPY ORANGE DAY TO YOU BRENDA. We used to have a member here whose Daughter also loved Orange.

Thanks Dee,

It is the weirdest thing I am seeing ORANGE every where. That was Brian's favorite teem color The Cincinnati Bengals ,Traci gave me his jersey to keep I am really missing him this morning.

[tantraman8]

Thanks Dee,

It is the weirdest thing I am seeing ORANGE every where. That was Brian's favorite teem color The Cincinnati Bengals ,Traci gave me his jersey to keep I am really missing him this morning.

Brenda,

"Orange" you glad nobody has posted any bad puns about "Orange" yet ??? Seriously, I love that Brian is enfolding you with orange love! I remember us sharing how our sons would call us faithfully. In a way, this feels like a "Brian" call to me, and SO CONSISTENT with the loving heart I feel when you talk about how he was on this plane of life.

Love,

David

[heartbeataway]

ORANGE IN HONOR OF BRIAN AND KOURTNEY ...... LOVE IT!

[heartbeataway]

ORANGE IN HONOR OF BRIAN AND KOURTNEY ...... LOVE IT!

[hotrod]

Thought I would also join in Orange DayRemembering

ORANGE IN HONOR OF BRIAN AND KOURTNEY and all our BI angels

[BrendaDup59]

Brenda,

"Orange" you glad nobody has posted any bad puns about "Orange" yet ??? Seriously, I love that Brian is enfolding you with orange love! I remember us sharing how our sons would call us faithfully. In a way, this feels like a "Brian" call to me, and SO CONSISTENT with the loving heart I feel when you talk about how he was on this plane of life.

Love,

David

Hi David, even my mom made the comment today she has never seen so much ORANGE! .. lol I had to laugh because when I ask him for a sign... any orange vehicle he put a huge orange garbage truck coming in the opposite direction .. all I could think does KY have orange garbage trucks luckily I found out they did.. and I jokingly said you could have given me something people would believe and an orange Taxi crossed in front of me.. I just think is wonderful, some may not believe in this but even my husband who has a hard time believing... saw just how many solid orange semi's we had seen on Sunday..lol he just shook his head. even watching TV last night ever show I watched someone had an orange shirt on..lol .. I hope you are doing good ...thanks for writing .

[BrendaDup59]

Thought I would also join in Orange DayRemembering

ORANGE IN HONOR OF BRIAN AND KOURTNEY and all our BI angels

Thanks

[BrendaDup59]

ORANGE IN HONOR OF BRIAN AND KOURTNEY ...... LOVE IT!

Thanks Bonnie

[mikesmum]

HAPPY ORANGE DAY ~ SIGNS SIGNS EVEYWHERE A SIGN

[ericasmom]

Signs are everywhere, you are sure right on that Trudi. This morning, while getting ready for work I heard Florence Welch singing from my radio, a song that makes me cry and get tingles all at once. I have put the utube here before, it is called Shake it off. And the line that makes me weep is, "you can't dance with a devil on your back so shake it off," I look at this to mean the devil being our guilt, or our anger...all the things that get in our way of being able to live fully. And so I had a good little cry before work which goes a long way some days to keeping the pressure low.

It was boiling in my room today, so very hot, but it is supposed to get cooler on Thursday and Friday. HOpe so.

[westleysmom]

I am hopelessly behind on reading posts, my husband has had some medical stuff going on and he is doing better, but not able to drive and I have been driving in circles the past few days. Just wanted to say hi to all and I saw where Bonnie and Susan posted and wanted to be sure and say hi to both of them, and of course everybody else.

Carol-Thinking of you and the family. My heart to you all.

Got a lot going on the next few weeks and may not get to post or read much, but thinking of all of you.

[daveydow1]

Just lost my entire post.......GRRRrrrrrrrr . Hate when that happens.