Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Triston is a handsome young man Andy, so filled with his big heart. I know you are feeling empty and without direction. You do know that therapy for grief is a great thing for many don't you? Nobody is going to lock you away for being grief stricken as it is only natural to be stricken at this point in your life. If you do get help, call around and ask the therapists if they have dealt with grief before, you want someone who gets it. I thank you for giving us the beautiful photos of your Boy, he will always be your Boy and I bet he would not buy you a pink dress, I bet He gets it Andy.

Please understand that our spouses and friends all wanted us back, but it will be a process and the person you were is not fully here right now, grief has entered the room and there is a part of your heart, once it heals some, that will always have that piece open and that does change us. The essence of you is there but for now, folks need to let up on wanting you back.

Brenda, love the message you posted about grief, the new journey, and I love the poem with the photos. Nice work.

[mrsduc]

This is so wonderful. Thanks for sharing it with all of us.

A friend from one of my art sights did this for me today, I thought I would share it with you .

[daveydow1]

Andy-----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Tristan. Although this road

is never one that is easy to travel.....it is painful and sorrowful....it can be of help

and comfort to know that there are others who know, & understand, all the pitfalls

that one must go through. I hope you will come back to BI whenever you can, to

read/post. I am 9 years on this road, and even before that, I was no stranger to

the grief journey, as my baby girl died many years ago from accidental choking.

I, so, understand your anger towards the driver, who seems to be so uncaring.

The truck driver (who was sleeping at the wheel) and killed my son, David, was

only interested in getting himself out of trouble and getting on with his life. He

wrecked 8 cars in the rampage of his runaway rig, and also send 20 people to

the hospital with injuries. He never apologized to us. Just was relieved at the light

punishment and glad to be on with his life. Thanks for your pics of dear Tristan...

he is such a handsome boy. Peace & comfort to you, friend.

David---Thanks for you kind words. Yes....at this site, we talk about lots of things,

including everyday, simple things. They seem to give us comfort, and ease the

ever-present sorrow of losing a child.

Sarahsmom----So sorry you are having such a rough time of it. Wish I knew

something to say.....wish I had the words. Just know that we feel your sorrow.

Kate----So nice that you met up with people who....by knowing, firsthand, the

sorrow of losing a loved one.....you could engage in conversation that was so

good.

Betsy-----thanks for sharing your story of the fatal accident so long ago. It

proves that your heart is in the right place that you remember that dear girl,

Hazel, who died in the wreck. It is difficult to know what to do in that case,

but you didn't forget her.....you remember her still.

Brenda----thanks for the lovely writing. Also.....your pics are just beautiful.

Becky-----I agree with you......that it is so disheartening when people tell lies

just to get themselves out of trouble, and seem to just disregard the pain,

sorrow, and agony of the parents left behind after a child dies. Who knows

how they really feel.....because they'll most likely never utter a word to you.

I wish you peace & comfort, Becky.

Davey&Lisasmom.......Sherry

[bealison]

I thought some members might find this interesting (and grimly comforting: we're not crazy, we're having "a normal reaction to an abnormal situation".) I'd been wondering why, still, more than 4 years in nothing makes sense.

http://www.grief-healing-support.com/complicated-grief.html

[mrsduc]

I want you to know that I am doing alright except for my compressed discs in my back and my pain in my ankle and foot that is constant. My husband is going Wednesday to get another nerve block shots in his back I believe L5 and L4 to help all the nerve damage in his lower leg. When he had his accident the surgeron told me that he almost had to amputate above the knee that was how bad the breaks were. And he told us never let anyone tell you oh you just broke both bones in your lower leg no big deal He said that it was one of the worst breaks he has seen in a long time in his 30 years of practice. My husband walks with a limp and his foot flaps straight down onto the floor when he walks. The back of his ankle will not even thru all the physical therapy would not loosen up and bend and they said it will always be like that and that is why he can not walk right. He was excepted for disablity but just this week we foud out that he could go to jail if we have more than a certain amount of money in the bank and I make more money then what is allowed in the bank and so we had to tell them we don't want disablity and so they told us that then he caan't have the medicaid which that we need to pay the medical that he will have to have the rest of his life. SO I told him somehow someway we will figure out how to get these things by paying cash. So luckly we have enought so he can get the procedure done on Wednesday which is not going to be done at the hospital because it will cost a whole lot more so I guess we are going to an out patient placce. I just know we have to stop by the office pay them and then go to the place fill out forms and pay them and then wait for them to do what they need to do for him. He is put under when they do this procedure. My husband is also going to see if they will see me for all the pain I have since the doctor who did all the surgeries on my foot trys to tell me I am out of my mind to think I have any pain in my foot because she cut burned and buried the nerve. But I tried to tell her yes I still have it and she told me that there was nothing more she could do and that was a year ago this past June after I had my third surgery from her in Feb. 2011. SO so frustrating. But my husband thinks that I may not need a referral since I am paying cash. But I think if I need a referral my regular doctor might be willing to give me a referral to go to the same place my husband goes or maybe they might know of a cheaper place but can help me as much as my husband gets help. I am so tired of being in pain. I want to be able to live more than I am.

Well I have had to do something today to protect my father. I may not like the way he has molested me and came on to me while I was taking care of mom and after mom died he came right at asking me to go have sex with him. But he is the only dad I know and besides all that he was an somewhat ok dad. But when I take on a job my husband and I put over 100% and we just found out that once again his neice who conned my dad out of 25,000 in cash and then 245000 for a house he bought her in cash in OR just six weeks after mom died. I told her to leave him alone for atleast 6 months because he was grieving for his wife of 55 years. But she would not and kept hounding him and he could not say no even when I told him he did not have to do that. Now she wants almost 15000 and maybe more. So we called the phone company and all my dad's phone calls will be transferred to my husbands cell # . And I contacted some of his friends and associates to let them know what was going on. My husband also took out all the checks and turned the volume down on the phone so he will not hear it. The only reason I am doing all of this is that I spoke to my dad this morning and he said please help me and I told him don't worry I will take care of everything. But it makes me so angry that this neice of his thinks he is just full of money because our grandma (dad's mom) told her that don't let anyone tell you that he does not have alot of money because he has it in so many places and so much of it. I do not know why she told dad's neice this. I only met this grandma twice and I had no opinion about her because of that. I did kind of think she had no sense of humor with me and that she was kind of snobbish towards me, but that was it. And she did not stay long the one time she came to our house, and the second time we went to OR to her place. I just get so nervous because of my past I am never sure if I am doing the right thing. I would love to call her and talk to her and possibly go off on her, but I made a promise to my dad that I would nto confronther until he dies. Can anyone tell me if she can loos her house that day paid cash for if she does not pay her taxes of over 3,000? Not that I have it or dad. His CMA they told me since I had to take out $15000 to cover all his bills this month that they would like no more money come out this year or he would have to pay a penalty and tax, and i would not like that to happen to him. But dad has almost $11,000 in bills this month (tax on his place and mine, since he owns my place, estimated MD and Federal taxes and car insurance and house insurance) I feel like I am missing something but maybe not. But anyway all those bills cost more than he makes each month so I try to make it work for him by each time it gets close take just alittle out of his CMA depending on what he has in his bank account. So I do not want anything real bad happen to her but at the same time everyone knows when the taxes on your house is each year. If you can't pay you should not have a house. If you put alittle away each paycheck during the year then if its not enough to cover them all it shows that you are trying and then maybe I would feel better in helping her. My husband and i worked in a factory for 5 years and lived in a single wide trailer and hardly brought home over $200.00 a month and after putting money away for all the bills each month, because I calculated about for electric, but everything else was the same and no we could not afford a phone but we had basic cable because we felt since we could not afford to go anywhere atleast we would have a tv. But what I am trying to say that we put money away to pay the bills each month and after putting aside money for gas for the next week, I would take the money and go grocery shopping and try hard to leave atleast $5.00 for both of us so we could get something to drink at work because it was so hot and dirt flying in the air all the time. But we never asked anyone and we never were late in any payment for are house. Yes I did not own a home right then but it is the same type of thing you have to know each year that you have taxes to pay for you house so you should have a jar for all those taxes and any other bill that is yearly.

But anyway less than a week until we get the first pup. I am so nervous that we will be at the wrong place and that scares me.

Well everyone please thank you for allowing me to vent here. I have learned so much from all of you. I do not say it very much or not at all but if it was not from you and my husband and my birth sister I know I would not make it. I know I am not still off the floow all the way. I think sometimes I am squatted down to my knees. And other times I am still on the completely ground. But I know that I am ok and that I am not alone. SO thanks.

[BrendaDup59]

Thank you all so much for you words of support.The kids all have been doing really well I have been very proud of them and my wife is doing as well as she can.Atm I do not work I am disabled I was doing some freelance art but have not been able to draw since this all happened.Our town has been very supportive it is small and everyone knew and loved Triston,he worked and or volunteered for almost every adult that wasn't family at the service.He was just so naturally good like a reflection of what I wanted to be.He was the peacemaker of our house and that was a real job in our home as we are a combined family,we have been together for 14 years and he was the fixer be it a argument between me and my daughter or the lawnmower being down he would just give me his smile and say "I 'm on dad".He was kind in ways that I don't know that can be taught on snow days he would get up early go and shovel all the elderly peoples walks and driveways before going and doing other peoples for spending money.His natural mother had abondond my son reapetedly and has been to prison but he always found room in his heart to forgive her and anyone else who wronged him.Triston was my guiding love and I feel so lost without him.I so much need his bravery and smile right now.I know he would call me a big girl and probably mow a lawn just so he could buy me a pink dress but I can't seem to stop crying.I think about going to see someone but I am so afraid when they hear me they will just lock me away.My wife and friends say they want me back,they say I have lost my humor,they say I my anger is going to kill me but I can't stop it I lost the person who saved me from myself and I don't see how I can do this without him.Again thank you all so much I am so sorry anyone has to be here

What a handsome young man.

[ericasmom]

Linda, I hope that you find some relief from your leg and foot pain. It must be difficult to have the energy you need and feel pain.

As far as your father, I could not do what you do to protect him, my dad hurt me in the same way and I wanted nothing to do with him once I had kids. I wish you well in helping him and in finding out why this niece of his is taking his money. Good luck.

Goodnight Everyone, I go back to school tomorrow after a summer of such meandering days. I find it hard to believe that summer break is over now and that I have to get up at 5:30 everyday again in order to have my walk and get ready for school. I will have two days of meetings and then meet my students on Wednesday morning. Wish me luck.

I will miss my day-time communication with you all, that will not be possible once back in school so I will catch up in the evenings.

Carol, I am holding onto you and your huge heart, hoping for good news for you and Mike.

[BrendaDup59]

Linda, I hope that you find some relief from your leg and foot pain. It must be difficult to have the energy you need and feel pain.

As far as your father, I could not do what you do to protect him, my dad hurt me in the same way and I wanted nothing to do with him once I had kids. I wish you well in helping him and in finding out why this niece of his is taking his money. Good luck.

Goodnight Everyone, I go back to school tomorrow after a summer of such meandering days. I find it hard to believe that summer break is over now and that I have to get up at 5:30 everyday again in order to have my walk and get ready for school. I will have two days of meetings and then meet my students on Wednesday morning. Wish me luck.

I will miss my day-time communication with you all, that will not be possible once back in school so I will catch up in the evenings.

Carol, I am holding onto you and your huge heart, hoping for good news for you and Mike.

Dee, Good Luck with school this year, I know I am really not looking forward to 5th grade with Kaleb ... you know sometimes I'm NOT smarter then a 5th grader..lol and with his issues it's so hard to get him to do work. well have a good night Brenda

[ericasmom]

Brenda, let me know if I can help...sometimes a different view is good. I love 5th grade, and you don't need to be smarter than one just still the boss of them. I wish Kaleb luck in his 5th grade year.

johnniesmathpage.com

if he needs a place to play some math games, this is a good one.

[mikesmomrs]

Have not posted in a few days as have been busy with the ups and downs of our days here at the hospital, just now entering our 51st day away from home. "So close and yet, so far" from going home, too many times to count. Mike again got too weak to go home and wound up with another NG tube being put in on Friday. He had been pretty sick and couldn't hold anything down and so the tube placement. They took an xray yesterday to check on the pneumonia and found a LOTof fluid and they drained off some this morning. The doctor says it is "suspicious" and we wait once again for the results of the test they will run. He has not eaten anything since last Monday morning, though they are now allowing him clear liquids to help soothe his throat. I can not put into words what is in my heart right now...it trembles with each breath as the hours pass. Last night, late, he started choking on the IG tube and they had to take it out. I sat by him, all night, as his coughs came more often and finally at 4 am I summoned the nurse and she reinserted the IG tube, which had to be in place again before the doctor attempted the drainage procedure today, Sunday. I guess any further treatment hinges on the result of the testing on the fluid he drained, and of course all we can do about that rightnow is wait and pray, and pray some more.

DEE: I agree, it seems impossible that a whole summer has slipped by so quickly. I know you will miss your leisurely days of being in the backyard and just spending the day turning the pages of whatever book you have sailed into, freed up for more reading time of your own without the constraints of the school year and all of its challenges. I wish you another successful year and I know that all of your little charges will benefit greatly from spending this school year with you as you teach them not only their academics, but also something about life and all it holds for them, opening their eyes to look at it in a new way. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes.

LINDA I am so sorry you are having so many medical problems. I do hope this doctor is able to help your husband, and perhaps wind up helping you also. I know you will have fun with those puppies! No need to say thanks for your being allowed to vent; this is the place and we understand the need.

ANDY: while I am glad that you have found this wonderful site, I do so wish you never had to know such a place exists. But I know you will find love, support, and most of all, a deeper understanding of what you are going through and much wisdom from those who have come before you. My heart goes out to you on the loss of your sweet son, Tristan. The pictures show a windeeful young man, handsome and sweet. thank youfor sharing.

BRENDA: I agree, your pictures are just awesomw. thank you so much for sharing. I love the beautiful picture your friend made for you of your sweet Brian.

BECKY: Letting go of the hate is just not something you can do right now, it is part of your grief. I pray you are able to heal and see a resolution to this andjusticedonefor your beautiful boy

SHERRY: I imagine all of your vegerable garden has finished up, what with the crazy weather we've had all over the country.

BETSY: I love the pictures you have posted of your new hometown and surrounding areas. Are you settlong in yet? How incredibly braveof you to set out to chanfe things for yourself and not allow others to rob you of your life. Ihope you are settled and enjoying your new digs. I am so sorry you had such a horrific experience in your younger years...and I am sorry it has stayed with you for so long.

KATE: Thank youfor the love and support sent out by you so often. Your words of wisdom carry kindness and comfort.

Today (Monday) is Mike's 37th birthday. I can't believe that thesummer has wound down to August20th already! We had acouple of things that we were planning to place at Mike's memorial site for summer, but circumstances have prevented any placement so far. And, as I am still at the hospital and using my tablet, I cannot even use bright colors and other decorations for his Happy Birthday mesage.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE! l We all love you and rembember yourspecial day...sorry, this year it is on a Monday, so no "birthday weekend this year, my funny son. Ah, but if you were only here, you could celebrate every day if you chose! Please send some love to yourdad as he faces over and over again, new things that knock him back down. he misses you,too, Mike, but you already know that. bought the tickets for Futures at Fenway game on Saturday and we tookDamon to the park with us....oh boy, did we havea good time. He LOVED It SSSOOOO MUCH!

I will let youknow when we hear anything about what is going on with MIke, Prayers, please, pray unceasingly...

Love to all.

carol

[ericasmom]

Carol, I am sending you the light from my walk this morning, while I have seen thousands of sunrises similar to todays, each is different. Each day we walk under the skies that are just a tad different from days very similar. Today's light beckoned me to walk eastward rather than continue north, drinking in the changing colors that were borne from dawn, the peach sherberts to the sharper rasberries and melon colors. All of them mingle so perfectly and they bless us in their daily ability to be just a bit different, proving to us that in each day, there is magic of one sort or another. I wish there to be the best kind of magic today for you and for Mike. May there be the holy hope of light.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Duplicate Post

[BrendaDup59]

Have not posted in a few days as have been busy with the ups and downs of our days here at the hospital, just now entering our 51st day away from home. "So close and yet, so far" from going home, too many times to count. Mike again got too weak to go home and wound up with another NG tube being put in on Friday. He had been pretty sick and couldn't hold anything down and so the tube placement. They took an xray yesterday to check on the pneumonia and found a LOTof fluid and they drained off some this morning. The doctor says it is "suspicious" and we wait once again for the results of the test they will run. He has not eaten anything since last Monday morning, though they are now allowing him clear liquids to help soothe his throat. I can not put into words what is in my heart right now...it trembles with each breath as the hours pass. Last night, late, he started choking on the IG tube and they had to take it out. I sat by him, all night, as his coughs came more often and finally at 4 am I summoned the nurse and she reinserted the IG tube, which had to be in place again before the doctor attempted the drainage procedure today, Sunday. I guess any further treatment hinges on the result of the testing on the fluid he drained, and of course all we can do about that rightnow is wait and pray, and pray some more.

DEE: I agree, it seems impossible that a whole summer has slipped by so quickly. I know you will miss your leisurely days of being in the backyard and just spending the day turning the pages of whatever book you have sailed into, freed up for more reading time of your own without the constraints of the school year and all of its challenges. I wish you another successful year and I know that all of your little charges will benefit greatly from spending this school year with you as you teach them not only their academics, but also something about life and all it holds for them, opening their eyes to look at it in a new way. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes.

LINDA I am so sorry you are having so many medical problems. I do hope this doctor is able to help your husband, and perhaps wind up helping you also. I know you will have fun with those puppies! No need to say thanks for your being allowed to vent; this is the place and we understand the need.

ANDY: while I am glad that you have found this wonderful site, I do so wish you never had to know such a place exists. But I know you will find love, support, and most of all, a deeper understanding of what you are going through and much wisdom from those who have come before you. My heart goes out to you on the loss of your sweet son, Tristan. The pictures show a windeeful young man, handsome and sweet. thank youfor sharing.

BRENDA: I agree, your pictures are just awesomw. thank you so much for sharing. I love the beautiful picture your friend made for you of your sweet Brian.

BECKY: Letting go of the hate is just not something you can do right now, it is part of your grief. I pray you are able to heal and see a resolution to this andjusticedonefor your beautiful boy

SHERRY: I imagine all of your vegerable garden has finished up, what with the crazy weather we've had all over the country.

BETSY: I love the pictures you have posted of your new hometown and surrounding areas. Are you settlong in yet? How incredibly braveof you to set out to chanfe things for yourself and not allow others to rob you of your life. Ihope you are settled and enjoying your new digs. I am so sorry you had such a horrific experience in your younger years...and I am sorry it has stayed with you for so long.

KATE: Thank youfor the love and support sent out by you so often. Your words of wisdom carry kindness and comfort.

Today (Monday) is Mike's 37th birthday. I can't believe that thesummer has wound down to August20th already! We had acouple of things that we were planning to place at Mike's memorial site for summer, but circumstances have prevented any placement so far. And, as I am still at the hospital and using my tablet, I cannot even use bright colors and other decorations for his Happy Birthday mesage.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE! l We all love you and rembember yourspecial day...sorry, this year it is on a Monday, so no "birthday weekend this year, my funny son. Ah, but if you were only here, you could celebrate every day if you chose! Please send some love to yourdad as he faces over and over again, new things that knock him back down. he misses you,too, Mike, but you already know that. bought the tickets for Futures at Fenway game on Saturday and we tookDamon to the park with us....oh boy, did we havea good time. He LOVED It SSSOOOO MUCH!

I will let youknow when we hear anything about what is going on with MIke, Prayers, please, pray unceasingly...

Love to all.

carol

Carol, Thank you for your compliments, you are an amazing lady, my prayers will be with you and your husband ,Take Care Love Brenda

[andy sager]

Thank you all.And I am sending my love and support to all of you.I will try to post more later today but feeling very lost and having a very difficult time focusing atm.Please take care and find what peace you can in this day

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, MIKE!!

God bless you Carol and Mike, I pray for his comfort during this difficult time. Even in the midst of your trials, you find time to reach out to us here. You are so special!

[Jeff's Mom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Mike! Surround your family with your gentle spirit and love today.

Carol and Ralph, thinking of you today... as always. Sending loving thoughts and prayers your way for a day filled with sweet and wonderful memories!

Kate

[MBN]

I was having a sad day, because Nathan would have started college classes today. He died on the last day of school ... and now this is the first day of school. What an awful summer.

But then, I checked his Facebook page and one of his friends posted about having a vivid dream of Nathan, that they were "hanging out", just like old times. Another friend had made a very similar post a couple of weeks ago. Both described how real it was, and that they woke up happy, feeling like they had really been together. This may sound nuts, but I really DO think Nathan is visiting his friends. He is spending time with them, just like he used to. It is just like him. It made me smile.

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

Heard a song on the radio and it took me back to the days when my girls were younger.....we would sing together in the car and laugh....and it just hit me full force that those were the happiest days of my life. Sure I was a struggling single mother, but we were rich in love instead of material things.

Now, three years after Brianna's death, I can say that there is some happiness in my life.....but it will never be the way it was, me and my three girls against the world, laughing and singing and loving each other.

Happy Birthday Mike....it is an honor to know you through your wonderful parents...thoughts and prayers to them also.

Fighting back the tears here at work today...sometimes it's just that way, the wave of grief knocks you around when you least expect it, triggered by a song.

I see new faces here and I want to acknowledge your losses, and the photos of your beautiful children....I'm so glad you found us, but so sorry you had reason to. I lost my 15 year old daughter Brianna on July 5, 2009 and her 19th birthday is coming up in September.

Love and light to all Indigos,

Jenn

Brianna's momma

[Jeff's Mom]

I was having a sad day, because Nathan would have started college classes today. He died on the last day of school ... and now this is the first day of school. What an awful summer.

But then, I checked his Facebook page and one of his friends posted about having a vivid dream of Nathan, that they were "hanging out", just like old times. Another friend had made a very similar post a couple of weeks ago. Both described how real it was, and that they woke up happy, feeling like they had really been together. This may sound nuts, but I really DO think Nathan is visiting his friends. He is spending time with them, just like he used to. It is just like him. It made me smile.

First of all, I do not think it is nuts! Why not? I have had many dreams of my son that have left me feeling uplifted and gave me a source of strength. If it made you smile knowing that he is spending time comforting his friends then it is a great gift. I wonder how many others have had vivid dreams of their child that seemed so real?

Jenn, sorry to see you feeling sad today. Music can often affect us that way. Many times I have heard a song that triggered a memory of a time past. At the beginning it was too hard to bare. I walked around in total silence around our home. Then one day I told myself that it could not go on like that. And it still is the three of you against the world. She is very much with you in spirit.

Well, I am thinking of you today Dee. Hoping that your first day back has been a good one. It was a beautiful day up here today. In fact, the entire week looks to be sensational. Tomorrow they are calling for 30C! I have my summer back! We took the opportunity to hike into the site yesterday afternoon. It was a glorious day. We sat on the bench that overlooks the lake and literally did not speak. Just allowed ourselves to be at one with nature. I know it sounds crazy, but it was wonderful. Just listening to the birds in the trees and the sound of the waves lapping on shore. The sun was glistening through the trees and there was just a slight hint of a gentle breeze. There is a touch of fall approaching as the underbrush is turning shades of golden yellows and orange.

Update on Jenelle...she is now out of the coma. They were bringing in a team of plastic surgeons today to discuss the next plan. She is still in ICU and far from out of danger yet. They broke the news to her about her friends. Poor kid. I know God will do the right thing. It is in his hands. Anyway, she came through all three surgeries last week...so she does have a fighting chance. I continue to ask for your prayers and am grateful to those who have thought of her. Thanks.

Carol and Ralph...hope your day and thoughts of your sweet boy was filled with many tender and lovely memories.

Well, thinking of all of you and hoping you are all doing okay...and as best as you are able at this time. Take care.

Kate

[mrsduc]

I know that alot of people do not understand why I took care of my mother and now my father. I had a nice trailer 5 and a half hours away from them. But they closed all the factories and it was hard to find a job and my husband had gotten hurt on the job and workers comp. gave him two choices either go back to work on light duty or surgery on his back. They had no light duty at a furniture factory so he had to have the surgery and it took so long for him to recover and then we found out right after surgery his surgeron retired and did not give him any other doctor to go see and workers comp had him go to this clinic where you sat for atleast 6 hours so that the doctor could just write you a script or two for pills but they never seemed to care about what my husband said about the pain in his back. So then he settled with workers comp and we were out of work and dad proposed to me for me to come up and take care of mom and he would pay me. He let me come up alone and stay with them while I tried to find a place and he was all over me and that is when I really knew that I had never made it up that what I had remembered was true. But I got a house and it was put in their name with the stipulation that it will go to me when they die. He paid it off. He said something to do with taxes. But I think it was more like control because when he bought cash his neices house in OR he let it be in her name and her husband. So I thought well I can do this and maybe they wil see that I am a better person then they always thought I was and maybe they woulld be proud of me. But I was wrong. But because I took care of my mom dad finally changed the will which I found out I was not even in it and now everything goes to me. And for that I feel like in some ways I beat the devil. Maybe that is wrong but I will not have to worry about work again if I am very careful and try to find a cheap place to live with low taxes. But that is why I did it. I was using him to try and get some security for our future. And I do not hardly go over now because everytime I come around and my husband walks out of the room he brings out his penis and so I no he is not as bad off as my husband says because he still knows that he needs to do that when no one but myself is around. Last summer we had to move in because he fell and we felt that it would be better and the next thing we knew we were pretty much prisoners in our bedroom because everytime we went down to get a drink or to start dinner he was playing with himself and it got to a point that he would not even cover himself. I stood up to him twice and the first time when he told me if I wasn't married he would take me to the bedroom. I told him even if I wasn't married I would not go to the bedroom with him and we would never have sex because I was his daughter and he said to me so what. So then I knew that it did not matter what I said to him. I guess but don't know, that he might think that yeah I am his daughter but only by adoption and not by blood, so he can do whatever he wants with me. But ever since last summer I do not go over without my husband and it is not very often. He just makes me sick all he does is drink 1.5 liter bottles of wine and play with himself all day. Most of the time he will not even eat what I make or my husband brings that he knows he likes. And he is known to go through up to 3 bottles a day. And so far all his organs are fine. I don;t know how long he has been drinking but I have been watching him since 2004 and he has gotten worse and he does not slow down or take a day off at all. So you can judge me if you must for using him and I guess I am no better than the neice trying to get more money and taking him for a house 6 weeks after his wife had died after 55 years. I think she took advantage of his sorrow for his lose of his wife. And I begged her to wait atleast 6 months and then dad could buy her a home. But she bugged him and he was not a man to tell her no, but he has never had any problems to tell me no if I ever asked for anything all my life. And now I do not believe that it is dads responsiblity to pay her bills since she knows that taxes come ever year at the same time and it is not only that but he does not have that kind of money since he just paid out over $11,000 in bills for both houses and his house and car insurance and then his taxes for MD and Federal. But this neice thinks he is just full of money and he is not. So a lawyer of mom's side of the family who we have become great friends she helped type up a letter that would look like dad wrote and then my husband will have my dad look at it and have him sign it. Plus we have now had his phone calls forwarded to my husband's cell phone so that he can now intercept dad's calls. I called all of his friends so that they would know a head of time what was going on and they completely understand. So anyway that is my life

Dee, Good Luck with school this year, I know I am really not looking forward to 5th grade with Kaleb ... you know sometimes I'm NOT smarter then a 5th grader..lol and with his issues it's so hard to get him to do work. well have a good night Brenda

[aim630]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Mike!. Thinking of you and Ralph today, Carol. I'm sorry Ralph's having such a difficult time, and I know how scared you must be. Sending hugs and strength your way.

I'm glad you and the boys had a good time at Fenway Park. Mike was surely smiling.

To all the new parents here, I'm sorry you have a reason to be here, but you've found a place of understanding. My 23 yr old daughter Ashley died 2 and half years ago from complications of pneumonia. No matter how old our kids were or how they died, we all are feeling the same emotions: shock, anger, guilt...All we can do is be there for each other. I don't post often, but read daily. The other parents here have helped me through this whether they realize it or not.

Katie is heading back to college this week for her sophomore year, so we'll have an empty nest once again. We had a good trip to Florida last month. I love the ocean, and wish I lived a lot nearer. A coconut fell off a tree and was in within inches of hitting us on the head. I figured that was Ashley saying "Hey guys, I'm still here!"

Amy/Ashley's mom

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, well last night I had a dream of my son my first that I can remember anyway he was standing there all dressed up in the outfit he wore to my nieces wedding I will post the picture of him , he was just standing there smiling and his lips were not moving but I kept hearing look out the window.. at my Maserati (to be honest never heard of the car but I remember seeing a silver sports car so as I am telling my sister about my dream I mentioned I have never heard of a Maserati... so she said look it up and I was still on the phone when I opened a picture and there was the car that was in my dream? she could hear the shock in my voice of what I had just seen so she made me send her the picture.. I have never had anything like that happen before . anyway seeing his face just made for a difficult day ,I miss him so much it's like my heart is in a million pieces . still no word from Brett maybe someday. well I also went out side and took a video of me feeding a hummingbird from my hands I will post the you tube video so you can see if you want ,I also put a pic of the car I saw.

Roberts mom, I am so sorry to read of the hard time you have had to go through, and nobody has a right to judge you for what you do unless they walk in your shoes. you are in my thoughts and prayers

Dee I hope you had a good first day .

Kate thinking about you

Carol, I hope Mike is doing better today, will say a prayer for him

and to everyone else you all are in my thoughts and prayers . My link

I hope the link works to my you tube video here it is if it doesn't

[briansdad]

I was going through some shots i took a couple of years ago and I found this one. It made me think of our angels.

[BrendaDup59]

Briansdad, what an awesome picture..

Happy Heavenly Birthday Mike

[mysonrich]

A Heaven sent Happy Birthday, Mike!!

[JD's Mom, Becky]

46 weeks today, Jared. Miss you so much, and ♥ U Infinity!

Moments...

There are moments when I see you, as you were, so young and strong,

With all your dreams before you, now for those days I long.

I miss your smile, your laugh, your wit, & all your boyish charm,

I question why you had to leave, why you had to come to harm.

I don’t believe that was God’s plan; NO, He wouldn’t be so cruel,

I may never understand it here, but I know that He has you.

I believe He takes us home when our time on earth is through,

But sometimes that timeline altered by what others choose to do.

Remember how I told you, not all people here are good?

I only wanted to protect you, as any parent would.

I never dreamt the face that evil would wear that day,

Or that anyone could be so cruel, in what they had to say.

To try to cover their mistake, so they wouldn’t face consequence,

To lie to us when for the truth we asked, they chose not to repent.

I am sorry you met that evil force, that your lives did so entwine,

I wish I could have saved you, oh precious child of mine.

Now all I can do is to speak the truth, and hope it finds fertile ground,

That it grows to a deafening roar, so loud will be the sound.

Drowning out the sounds that evil makes, may only truth be heard,

For the measure of a person truly is their word.

There are moments when I speak of you, of when we’ll meet again,

I pray for God to give me strength to walk this path ‘til then.

8-19-2012

[ericasmom]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

MIKE

MIKE

MIKE

You beautiful Boy, Son, Father, Husband, Friend.

MIKE- I know that you are sitting alongside your Parents through the hard times just as you stride alongside them during the good times. Let them know that you are present in their daily lives, you have always been very good at that, give your Poppa what he needs to ease his worries, and let your Momma rest well tonight-knowing that this day delivered the ultimate in gifts.

Carol and Mike- to two very brave and very loving people, to the strongest couple I know of- may you feel the power of Love and Angels today.

[ericasmom]

The Blue Angels Greg? They were just in Chicago at the air and water show. How are you these days?

Brenda, l thanks for sharing the dream and photo. I am sorry though that the dream caused you more ache. I hope that you have the kind that leaves you feeling quite the opposite-light all day long.

Linda, no judging, just wishes for your life to have less controversy in it, more healing. Dad has issues that run very deep or he would not be after you so please take care of yourself when around him.

Becky, the poem is lovely, you are the queen of couplets, it is not easy to use rhyme so consistently, good work. I sure wish you never found the need to write poetry about grief, but I am sure glad that you have this outlet to release some of the ache that has turned life inside out.

Hi Jenn, good to see your post. Hope the day is sweet tomorrow.

Hey Amy, so good to see you it has been a long time-I hope Kate enjoys her sophmore year and that you are doing fine. Glad that you got away or a bit, what part of Florida did you visit?

Nathan's parent, I am so sorry that your Boy is not here to start his college classes--what a deep ache you must have, we sure do get that. Tell us more about Nathan if you can, how you are doing and how the family is with this change?

[mysonrich]

Dee, Florida is different.I am not complaining just a couple observations.the roads are wider,(the Northeast is old as far as cities,roads.some pretty much run the same routes as in Colonial times) the sun brighter, its rains everyday like clock work. I'm not getting lost as much as I was. My internal compass was way off. That has never happened before with north and south direction. I have now switched my mind map around.

BEAUTIFUL and plentiful parks. One of my favorite so far, Riverside Art Market. has a farmers market too. Great music, I bought their CD. breeze off the river, shade under the bridge. I left by 11,I am still adjusting to the temps, but mornings and afternoon/eve are fine.

the picture below, plant/sun,I forgot the name but it is doing well.

MBN, September is hard for me too. Rich was out of HS and starting his new adult life. I think I have always equated the start of a new school year to that of a new beginning. My son helped me to move to be closer to my very ill mother. I wonder if I had stayed, if he would be alive. One of many if's.he probably would have died. His job was done here but.. i feel him around. Nathan is around too.

Greg, nice pic. there is an Angel parked out front at NAS JAX, just down the road. funny I never saw the connection before.thanks. too much internal noise in the old brain lately.

Becky, the passage is beautiful.

Carol, I sent a message on the carepage and FB.Here's to cornbread!!!

I went back to NJ to complete some denatl work that was in progress. While there I took a driver to the Delaware River. The bridge was out to this small section of a state park after Hurricane Irene. Me Rich and Sarah had some good times here. Rich always liked it better then Sarah I think. I have thought of scattering some of his ashes here but I didn't bring them on this trip.

my DSL was out for 24 hours and I endured a major withdraw. I'm much better now. Time for the news and sleep. Leigh,Betty..thinking of you both.

Riversdie Art Market. Jacksonville FL

<br clear="all">

[tantraman8]

Dear All,

I am approaching the 4 month anniversary of my son Josh's passing. During the first few months I cried frequently, started a journal entitled "Letters to Josh", went to my acupuncturist, went back to work and found relief being there for my patients, kind of a break from being lost in the heartbreak. In the last two or three weeks, I have just felt exhausted, numb, and a lack of joy around living, at least most of the time. Right now, I don't look at pictures of Josh, don't journal, and would welcome death as a relief from this life of medicated sleep and an inflamed digestive system. It's not that I am suicidal. I have three surviving children and eight grandchildren, and would never give them the message that leaving that way was OK, let alone subject them to that kind of grief, after losing their brother.

When those of you who are further down the road than I are affirming or share your healing, I feel blessed. When people at work, or my few friends are tender with me, I cry. But, truth be told, I wish this loss would go away. I wish Josh were still alive. At four months (on the 25th), I still want this to be a bad dream. (tears here) This feels like a nightmare than has no end. Knowing that the only thing that will ease this is time feels like a cruel joke.

One thing here, I read all your posts. I know I am not terminally unique. I read some of your losses of sons and daughters who were more recent and those who were younger than Josh, and I feel like a whiner for expressing this pain and hopelessness. (Before I forget, Andy..I can tell just by looking at Tristan what a beautiful spirit he was/is. I am SO sorry for your loss.)

I just feel sad, numb, raw, hopeless, exhausted and see no end to this tunnel of darkness.

And, even with this venting that just feels self indulgent..selfish, I am grateful for your presence. This is the only place I've found with people who understand. Bless you all.

David

[MBN]

We lost Nathan in a car accident on June 7. He was riding in a car with three friends out to an everglades fish camp, as they had done many times before. Ironically, he chose not to take his motorcycle out there, because it wasn't as safe as the truck. The access road to the camp is a narrow gravel road, barely two lanes. The 18 year old driver was going a bit too fast, began to skid, and (in his inexperience) overcorrected. The truck went off of the narrow shoulder, down the steep embankment and flipped over into the water and muck. The owner of the fish camp happened to be looking down the road, saw the accident and responded quickly. They managed to right the vehicle and pull the other boys out .... but Nathan had been under too long and drowned. The boys in the front seat had found an air pocket and the other boy in the backseat somehow managed to pull himself out. We don't know exactly what happened in Nathan's final moments, but we know he was in the deepest corner... it was unlikely that he had an air pocket, the muck was thick and black, being upside-down was disorenting, and he probably just ran out of air before he could do anything. He was airlifted to the hospital, but was DOA. The other three boys were fine. There were no drugs or alcohol involved. No malice or bad intent. Just boys out to celebrate the last day of school. The other boys are still heartbroken.

I got the call from work -- the boys knew where I worked and the police tracked us down that way. We rushed to the hospital -- no one would tell us anything, and made us wait for over a half hour in the waiting room. I knew then, that he was gone, even before they took us back to the trauma family room and said those words that no parent can fathom hearing .... We're so sorry .... we did everything we could ...

My husband has had to deal with a lot of anger. Anger at the "stupid kid driver", anger at the adults who didn't teach him how to drive better, anger over the agency who allowed such a dangerous road. You truly can't see how hazardous it is, because the sawgrass disguises the narrowness of the shoulder (essentially none) and the steepness of the embankment. The driver was only going 30-35 mph and there is no speed limit sign and no warnings of any kind. This is the 3rd death on that 2 mile stretch of road in the last five years. We have retained an attorney to see if there is some way to apply leverage to put up guard rails or, at the very least, put up warning signage and a speed limit. But the road ownership is murky, and we are waiting to see if we have any recourse at all. If we can fix the road, at least something good will come out of this.

I was never angry ... I was broken. I'm still broken. I believe in a loving God and I believe Nathan is still with us on that heavenly plane. We have a wonderful life with many blessings -- a stable and loving marriage, a wonderful older son (doing awesome in college), good jobs, and good support system. We are working through our pain and finding ways to re-frame our life without Nathan. After a time away, we went back to our normal routine. We got a cat -- something I couldn't do before because Nathan had severe allergies and asthma. I have times when I feel fine, moments of normal enthusiasm and joy. I am a very positive and upbeat person, by nature. But many times, I just go through the motions. I come to work, but am only half-functional. I backed into a mailbox pole a couple of weeks ago - very unlike me to be so unobservant. I don't sleep as well. I still cry every day, usually in the car driving to and from work, because I have time to think. I feel a deep, underlying, profound sadness that never really goes away. Nathan was a happy and bright presence in my life and losing that daily presence has been the most difficult trial of my life.

I do believe that Nathan is still around us. Right after he died, we noticed the touch lamp in his room turning on for no reason. Although I have since cleaned out his things and re-purposed his room as a guest room, we left the lamp in there. It still turns on unpredictably -- unrelated to cell phone signals or power surges or any other logical cause. I think that's him. I talk to him in his room and feel his presence there. I think he's visiting his friends in their dreams and "chilling" with them, just as he used to. For the first time since he died, I had a dream about him last night. I dreamt that he was younger and we were on vacation together and having fun. That could just be a dream but then as I was half awake, I heard his voice, as it was when he died. I don't remember exactly what he was saying, but it definitely was his voice and then i heard a "pop" and it was abruptly gone. It was very distinct. In the days immediately following his death, when my husband was so distraught, he heard Nathan's voice clearly in a dream saying "Dad, I'm all right, I'm OK". I think that was Nathan. It comforts me to know he is near, but the sadness is still overwhelming at times. I know it will get better ... we just have to give it time.

Thanks for listening, it helps to hear your stories, and to know that we are not alone.

[ericasmom]

Nathan is so handsome Newbie, so sweet looking. I am sorry, beyond that to welcome you here as so many others new to this have joined alongside you. You have come to a good place where others really get the ache and lonesome sorrow you will have in all of this. When Eri was killed, I was not angry at anyone either, well, angry at the fact that AMTRAK did not report other than one time to the village that the light was broken, and it stayed broken, just a fuse blown for 11 months, and ERi was struck. I was angry at the stupidity of whose job it was to change the friggin fuse, but not mad at the engineer, just doing his job. THis was nine years ago.

Your Boy likely was telling his Daddy that he is okay, I do believe fully in those times when we hear or sense or dream of the Kids and feel more like it was a visit. I had several of those right after Eri died, and several of her friends, (5 I think) dreamed a very similar dream as one another all in one week's time. THey were spread far and wide as they were all in different colleges. THat to me affirmed that Erica was visiting adn letting folks know, she was okay, better than okay as she told 5 of her friends. I am usually upbeat as you are, life does change and it does feel sometimes like you have to fake that smile, that enthusiasm...you will find your levels at some point but the first year is tricky and you should not put too much energy into figuring it all out, let it flow, tears and all. Eri's Dad and Brother were very angry for a long time, I felt sad for their anger but could not change it. Good luck with getting sinage, we fought to change the configuration of the tracks in the college town where ERi died, Kalamazoo. We were able to get that done but politics play into it all.

Dave, no such thing as whining when you are grieving. We need to let it out, we need to scream, shout, rage, cry and weep all over the days, and one day, you will find that you feel a tiny bit better. It comes slowly, can't speed this plow called grief.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi

I thought I would show you the reason I have to get up and go on with life and that is my Kaleb who is so much like his brother Brian acts and looks a lot like him he starts 5th grade today so now I have quiet time not so sure if that is a good thing yet, too much time to think about Brian . well I hope everyone has a good day.

[Jeff's Mom]

Morning Everyone...David...you are far from a whiner! Every one of us here wishes we could go back in time to the day before it happened and change the direction it took. We can't. The first two years are really hard. The initial rawness and a sense of walking alone in a fog are what I felt the most. Every "First" of something brought me to a tearful place. I was at that time so busy looking after my MIL and her illness that I was able to often block it out and push it to the back burner. But after Helen died it came back full force. Physical discomfort is also another common problem. The stress accentuates our other physical ailments. Having said all of that...it does begin to soften after a period of time. Everyone goes at their own pace. All I can say is to please take care of yourself and know that you are going to somehow begin to live your life with a degree of happiness again down the road. It will happen. Stay strong and look after yourself.

Brenda...Kaleb is such a good looking young man! I hope he enjoys his first week back at school. Now this is going to give you the opportunity to use that camera and get back into your drawing again. I look forward to seeing your pictures!

MBN...I am so sorry for your loss. Nathan was a great looking young man. These are early days yet and you are still in shock. I do hope that the dreams you are having are helping to give you some comfort. I too believe that their spirit surrounds us to give us comfort and a sense of peace.

Linda...have you chosen names for your new pets? They will definitely keep you busy.

Betsy...I was not able to enlarge the pic. It looks really nice. Glad you are enjoying Florida.

Thinking of everyone today. Take care.

Kate

[daveydow1]

David-----I agree with everything that Kate said. Being so early on this rough road,

there so many pitfalls that assault us. There does come a time when you will feel

that the pain & sorrow are softer, but each grieving parent must go at their own

pace. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Please keep coming here to BI---

everyone here understands.

Amy----Good to see your post. Glad that you had a nice vacation to Florida.

Yes---the ocean has a way of just soothing the soul somehow.

Jenn----You are right---life changes after losing a beloved child. We will never be

the same, but we press on and hope for more times of smiles, and we always

keep our angels within our hearts.

Kate-----Continuing to send prayers for Janelle, that she can progress to health.

Greg----Thanks for the Blue Angels pic you posted......it's an amazing shot. You are

a pro at photography, and I always love seeing your pics. Hope you are doing ok?

Any fishing with your granddaughter lately?

MBN----I'm so very sorry for your loss of your dear son, Nathan. I'm glad that you

found your way to this site. It's a rough road to be on......one that no parent wants

to be traveling. But, it helps to know that there are others who know and understand

the sorrow that you are feeling. Please come back to BI. Thanks for posting the pic

of your son. He is , indeed, a very handsome young man. Peace to you, friend.

Linda----Prayers for you and your husband as you recuperate.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY..........MIKE. REMEMBERING YOU.

Carol-----Sending prayers for Ralph and for you & the family in your time of

great stress and worry. Bless you all. I canned 24 pts. of tomato juice yesterday,

and will help Becky can spaghetti sauce Thurs. We harvested nearly all of the

potatoes. So, the garden is winding down, but then my husband.....green thumb

guy that he is.....planted more beets, so we'll be having more of them.. .pumpkins

and gourd also coming on, and flowers galore. I picked some zinnias and cosmos & put

them in a vase on the table. He also bought me a honeysuckle vine and planted it

in the backyard close to the house the other day.

Dee----Love the way you described your eastward morning walk and all the colors. I

was out walking around the other day, and just was taking in all the colors & scenes

in my area. The sky was the lovliest shade of blue, and there were huge white puffy

clouds all around. The trees in the woods are still green, and the fields are gold

and green shades.....contrasting so nicely with the red barns and dk. blue silos. So

much to enjoy and appreciate in the beauty of nature, isn't there? Good for the soul.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[tobyfreefoot]

carol--thinking of you everyday and today wishing

MIKE HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

to all new people i'm sorry i haven't had a chance to respond to you personally but i have read your stories, looked at pictures and felt your heartbreak. please continue to share your ups and downs with us and details of your beautiful children's lives. hopefully we can give you a small bit of comfort knowing we are here to listen and understand in a way others can't.

[BrendaDup59]

You know I started my day off OK got Kaleb off to school and sat outside with my camera and got another video of me feeding the hummingbird then decided to visit my mom well my sister called and said to stop over before I went home so I did , well she said have a seat I want to show you something and turns on a video of all of us at Brian's when my granddaughter was born, seeing him smiling and talking was wonderful and totally heart wrenching at the same time, while I know her heart was in the right place I just wish she would have ask me if I wanted to see it, now I feel so down , I just want to scream how unfair this all is I shouldn't have lost my son at the age of 32 ... some days the pain is just too much ...

[Jeff's Mom]

Brenda, I'm sorry you were taken by surprise by the video. I'm sure she did not mean to upset you. I do understand that it would bring you down seeing him. I went to the post office yesterday to collect our mail. There was a postcard from one of my son's friends that was recently married. He was over in Europe on honeymoon and decided to drop us a line. It mentioned of course Jeff and a few other things. I could not but help catch my breath as I wished that my son had lived to marry and have kids. It was so kind of him to think of us...yet it was a reminder. I'm afraid that is the new life you will find yourself living now. It takes a great deal of patience and time to adjust to living without them in our daily lives in the same way.

I hope that Kaleb came home full of info about his new teacher and class. BTW...the video of you feeding the hummingbird is so awesome. How tame it looks! I was watching them earlier today and wondering how much longer they will be staying here. Our nights are getting chilly again.

Sherry...the way you described the area where you live sounded beautiful. This really is a glorious time of the year with leaves starting to change. Do you ever paint any scenes of your property? I remember you mentioning how you planned to stay in the basement in the heat and paint last month.

Thinking of everyone. (Leah, hope you are doing okay)

Kate

[ericasmom]

Brenda, my goodness your young Son looks so much like Brian, oh my goodness. I hope Kaleb had a wonderful day in 5th grade. I well understand your emotions from the video, I know your Sis was trying to do something good for you but sometimes the shock and unexpected aspect of seeing our Kids in a video or photo can undo us beyond belief. Today at school with the whole staff, we were watching an old video from a fourth grade in 1994, my brain went nuts, oh no, was Eri in this clip? She was 10, so she was in 5th grade but before I could fully figure this out, I was shaking and tears kept springing to my eyes, the thought that she would appear or her voice would sound during this meeting was almost too much for me. (my kids went to the school where I teach though I was not yet teaching back then). Odd how it is something we want to see but how extremely private these little views are.

Sherry, your surroundings sound so pretty, glad that you were out for a walk under the pretty blues of the sky.

[mrsduc]

Well I went to counseling by myself because she wanted to try and get to know me. So she said that she wanted to first get a history of my past and I am only on my real family and how many kids my real parents had (17 and maybe more). She was shocked when I told her the story of the ones kept and the ones given away and the ones that had died. She said how do you feel after taking about all of this. I told her it doesn't bother me to talk about the past for I have put it all in a box and I believe that everything that has happened to me whether good or bad has made me who I am today and I think that I could of been a murder but instead I am one hell of a nice caring person that most of the time gets walked all over. But I still pick myself up and move on.

Well I did a dumb things I felt so bad that my one sister who lived in PA and is only about 2hours away, that her tv was dying so I found a very nice 40" tv at a very good price so my husband said get it for her and so I did. But I guess I forgot to give them her addrress and it came to our house so we are going either Thurs. or Fri. to give it to her. She will be so surprise. But she has had a very hard life for the last 4 years because of her brain injury that she has because of a car accident with a teen with no insurance and he was drinking. They had to cut my sister out of the car and she has a rod in her left thigh to almost her knee and she is like myself and my husband that hurts everyday. So I know that this is going to be very special for her. I told her to think of it as her bday and xmas present. She told me that she did not want me to think that I have to buy her to make me think she would talk to her and love me. I toldl her that is not the way I see her, for I have not given you hardly anything but myself.

Well got acouple of new pictures of my little girl (the chihuahua). She is getting to be a big girl at 25oz. It just about killing me that I have to wait a week from Tuesday to have her with me. We pick up our little boy (an American Eskimo). We have no names picked out because I will look on the Internet for names but it usually ends up that we will watch them for acouple of days to watch them interact and their personality and that helps us to name them.

I do not know why but sure seems to be in alot of stress and anxiety tonight and I guess it could be that I have to take my husband to a new place then the hospital because we gave up disability that we fault so long to get so he could have medical assistance and then once we got SSI we found out I made too much money and so we had to cancel and then they told us that he would loose the medical too. That is what we wanted more than anything. SO now we have to pay for him to get nerve blocks in two discs that help his lower leg so it helps the nerve pain for alittle bit. But it is $3,000 and we have to pay up front. SO that is so much fun. But I told him we will do what needs to be done to make him try to feel alittle better. I think that I need to go to my regular doctor and see if he can change my medication of anxiety and depression medication because everyone thinks it is what is causing me to forget so much lately. I forget that I have talked to someone on the phone and the conversation so I call them again and start the same conversation and then they tell me that I had called them 2 days ago. I do not like this and it scares me so much. I do not want to be loosing my mind atleast not this early. I want to have my pain of Robert and i want to be able to enjoy my boys and my granddaughter even if its just alot of different and spread out times.

Well I do not remember the person name but their child (and I do believe it was a boy) had died 4 months ago. Boy do I remember that time and I remember what everyone of you told me. It will take time and be good to myself and I am in the right place. And during that time I did not believe how you could say it will take time because at that saying I felt like that meant I was suppose to forget Robert to be able to go on with life, and I realize that was not what you were saying at all. And when you told me to be good to myself I just could hardly get out of bed let alone be good to myself. I just threw that out the window. But the people that kept telling me to keep coming back and wrote me privately and told me that what I was feeling at that certain time in my healing was normal. That made me feel ok I am not going insane. Did it take my pain away, no but it helped me to see that even if some parents lost their kid from an illness or an accident or their child killing themselves we all are on a different journey now that none of us asked to be put on. An for whatever reason God chose us to be on this journey, so I need to try and embrass this as best that I can. I talk to Robert each minute of the day. I miss him more today then yesterday, but I know he is happy and he is where he is suppose to be and so that is all I have ever wanted for my boys to be happy. I just never thought for Robert to be happy would mean he had to leave me. But I knew my son better than anyone in this world and I can honestly say that he is where he is suppose to be and I know that he loves me and he knows that I love him and nothing can break that bond between us. I will continue to go to a medium whenever I feel the need to talk to a medium so that I can talk to Robert. But for now I am glad that he is happy and he told me he is sorry that I am hurting so much. But he also told me that he never knew untill he died that I really had no one and that I really am alone like I use to tell him when he was alive. He also told me that I need to stop helping others and to start thinking of myself and do things for myself and find out what makes me happy again. And that sounds so much like my son. Well once again I have vented more than I should have . Enclosed are a few new pics of my little girl that I got today

Our little boy that we get this Saturday after 2:30 sometime

[ericasmom]

Linda, I am so happy that you went to therapy on your own. I think that it will become a time that is just for you and maybe shed some goodness in your life. The puppies are adorable.

Be well All, sleep deeply.

[tantraman8]

Hi

I thought I would show you the reason I have to get up and go on with life and that is my Kaleb who is so much like his brother Brian acts and looks a lot like him he starts 5th grade today so now I have quiet time not so sure if that is a good thing yet, too much time to think about Brian . well I hope everyone has a good day.

[tantraman8]

Brenda,

Kaleb RADIATES PRECIOUSNESS!! Oh my God, what a sweet boy.....and your love for him is so powerful and beautiful as well. Sending prayers your way to find the energy to both grieve Brian....and have Kaleb feels the deep love that is in your heart. My kids are all grown. So, I am spared the task you have of grieving Brian while having a little one as well. But, again, thanks for sharing Kaleb. And, I know, for me... quiet time is hard. Don't know what else to say except I remember you sharing about how Brian would call from while he was hunting....and it reminded me of the gift of Josh's calls. Words cannot adequately describe the void, can they?? Thanks for sharing.

[briansdad]

Couldn't sleep so I thought i'd post some pictures of Brian's baby. It's actually 4:30 am my post says 9:17

[mrsduc]

It is 6:30am and in half hour we are leaving the house so that my husband can be put to sleep to get some nerve block shots that I hope will help his leg from the knee down from his accident. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't and since we are now paying cash for it I really want it to help.So just say alittle pray at 10am for him that it works. That is the time he is suppose to have the procedure but you know they never get you at the right time.

What my husband looked like after the accident. Was on life support for 9 days and they were not sure if he was going to make it or not.

He broke both bones in his leg in different places and different directions but one place he broke it was so close to the knee that the surgeon said he was about a cm from having his leg aputated.

Attachments_2012_07_26.zip

[mikesmum]

Greg ~ Well its says 7.30 on it here. Doesn't matter what the time, seeing Brians face and then a pic of his baby girl is great any time.

Sunshine here today. More daffodils breaking ground, some I don't remember planting.

Spent the day with my daughters two...off school for the day. Em is now 5' 3", granma is 5' 2" on a good day..

On the way home my camera and I sat and watched the sunset over the Yarra Valley....

Looking for an Angel

[shorty16]

David

I too feel I am living a nightmare. But what I have learned is we can let grief have its way with us or we can learn to live with the grief.

When i was at 4 months, the grief had its way with me. I was always exhausted, could not concentrate, and was just hoping someone would tell me this is a dream and Brian is still alive.

Please be kind to yourself. Allow yourself time to cry and grieve. A time will come when the crushing weight of grief will be gone and you will learn to live again.

I am 4 years into this life that I never and still do not want, but my family is making new memories that honor Brian.

We chose creamation for Brian and we are spreading his ashes all over. Brian is in the Atlantic, Pacific, Virginia mountains, and he will be in the Rhine River in Europe next year. This may sound weird, but putting Brian's ashes in these places gives us a sense he is everywhere.

We also donated Brian's tissue and eyes. Brian died at the scene and his organs were too damaged to salvage. But, to date, Brian has helped 30 people with tissue and eye donations. My boy lives on.

Thanks for sharing you son with us.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[tantraman8]

Dear Colleen,

Crying freely right now....because of your caring reply......I have to (am blessed to/can't decide which one) go to work in an hour. Your affirmation of where I am at 4 months REALLY DOES help. You know, I thought of a funny (not haha funny) thing yesterday that actually DID help me be a bit more compassionate with myself; I need sleeping meds right now to sleep (NEVER have before) and when I wake up, I wake up with my body full of anxiety. SO....my body never gets to rest naturally.... it's always on arousal. NO WONDER, I get exhausted and discouraged with life!!

Love Brian's world tour and the way his physical body has helped others. The worst part of this whole thing for me are those moments when I feel utterly alone with Josh gone on this plane. The VOID is SO palpable.

So, thanks for reaching out. You and others here feel like my lifeline.

Love,

David

[briansdad]

I read an article about a Mom who lost her 16 year old son. She got to meet the man who received her sons heart.

He put a stethoscope up to his chest so she could hear her sons heart. Kind of makes me weak in the knees to think if I could do that.

They couldn't use Brian's major organs. But they did use his cornea, ligaments skin and some bone.

[westleysmom]

Greg-I can't believe how much Alyssa looks like her Daddy! She is beautiful.

Trudi-The pictures of the sky take my breath, it is so pretty where you are. Hope that all is going well in your part of the world.

Amy-It was good to hear from you. Time marches on, doesn't it?

Brenda-Kaleb is a doll and does look a lot like Brian. Good luck with back to school.

Linda-The puppies are so sweet, I know you can't wait to get them.

David-It still takes me more sleep to feel rested than it used to and I don't know if its because I'm older or because I'm sad. Either way, sleep is a friend that sometimes runs away from all of us. I don't remember the time period you are in myself that well, I was still in shock I suppose and it just slipped by one painful breath at the time. Sometimes, that's the best we can hope for, and that it will get easier in time.

Carol-Sorry I missed Mike's happy birthday. Hope that you are able to go home soon and that husband Mike is feeling better.

I'm sure there are others I meant to say something to, but need to get to work. Hugs to all