Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

I was twelve years old when I experienced what I consider to be my first run in with death. My best friend suffered from a heart ailment for a couple of years. She died on December 5th. a mere few weeks before Christmas. What seemed so odd to me is about at the same time my grandmother... who seemed as old as the hills to me...but in actuality... was not all that old... also passed away. It somehow did not bother me. She was after all quite elderly in my mind and that was the way it was supposed to be. But when Michele died... this was a very different matter. In those days the funeral experience was a long drawn out formal event. And because Michele's family were prominent people the funeral was held in a Catholic Cathedral. Four of her best friends(myself included) were asked to walk alongside of her casket in the church( with a never ending long aisle) holding white silk ribbons with miniture pink roses on them. The casket was beautiful. And I felt horror, yes, actual horror that this body lay dead in a coffin that I was almost attached to. We were taken into the funeral home to view her body the night before to prayers. Everyone said she looked as if she was just sleeping. When the four of us were alone for a bit we all felt she looked very dead and not at all like the kid we knew...she sure didn't look as if she was asleep. What were they talking about?She was definitely gone. We were all in shock. As many people as I have witnessed die on their death beds over the years...this is the one death that haunts me to this day with the exception of course of my son. A child trying to process a death of somebody that is young is really hard. Why? Because it does not follow the natural order of things. And we also start to think of our own mortality at such a young age. If it could happen to them...then why not me? Fear sets in. It is a long slow process to try to move forward. Time and patience and talking to someobody that can ease their fears is the best route to follow.

Brenda...sorry the road is rocky these days. I too have not heard from my son for some time. I know he lives an active life with two very young children and lives over a thousand miles away. Still, a phone call now and then would not hurt. Just to see how we are doing. It seems the calls are always at our end. Jeff sure was not like that. He was always concerned about our well being. This is a very different type of fear I now experience. The realization that if anything should happen to either one of us...the last one left will be truly alone. That scares the bejeebers out of me. And something I can't control. I need to clarify why I feel that way. Having looked after so many family members personally from diagnosis until death I have experienced the need for a family member to be an advocate for that person. It's fine to make out a living will...however I am talking about the every day things that lead up to the point of hospitalization. Putting things into place and making sure their needs are met on a daily basis. That is why I have such empathy for those that are in this position. You virtually no longer have a life. Meals and meal preparation, arranging for doctor appts. and nurses visits. Making sure they have all meds they need, and actually eveything. Literally everything they need. The little things such as even seeing that their nails are cut or hair trimmed is up to you to do or arrange. It is easy to fall between the cracks if you do not have somebody looking out for you. We plan to make a list of arrangements...just in case. To keep it in a folder and then when the one of the two of us dies or takes sick we will not be left alone and afraid in a muddle. I have learned that I can't rely on family. And it would be just plain foolish of me to take that chance. Better to be safe then sorry.

Hubby off to Toronto today for the day on business. The day looks to be another beauty. Think I'll try to get out and do something different. Take care everyone. Thinking of all of you.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Kate, your view of your friend's death is a great way to show the processing of children, it is different and they have needs that while not unlike those needs of we adults when we lose a YOUNG one, that require a trained ear to listen for those things we may not catch. As far as being all alone, I know it is a scary thing but as we have all found in our losses, we do not have control and we never did. May this day be filled with beauty.

Trudi, so good to see you today, that lovely face of Mike. So it is cold cold cold for you, but while we struggle with our coats and scarves in the months ahead, you will be out watering your flowers, we will doubt at that point that flowers really existed in our patches of frozen earth.

I agree with you Trudi, Kathy and Tav have a great relationship and as Tav grows up a bit, he travels the grief again in new ways. Trauma will revisit us and the Children left and we have to find new ways to process it, children change in so many ways over time so it only stands to reason that as their brains change along with their bodies, that they must search the events of their lives to find who they are in that instance. New traumas will indeed bring up the old ones and they have to measure where they stand, how afraid they might be, how mixed up they may be, and how to live without so much fear or worry is something quite out of reach for them.Hell, it is quite out of reach for many of us so of course the kids are deeply affected by fear and worry. On top of that, they see the changes in the adults that are sad and they feel further worried by this. I think therapy is vital in this and also for the school counselors to be aware of each child's recent loss and or recent ways of dealing.

Going for a bike ride and then in to school to work on my room, yesterday I attacked a file cabinet, my math cabinet which hadn't been rearranged foer three years. Shame on me. So it took two hours to reorder things, throw things away, and generally make the materials useful to me. Hooray. I am not known for organization that is for sure.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Hi Indigos,

Been very busy for the last two weeks, with the startup of Pop Warner Football, of which my husband and I are administrators. Much work involved, little time for anything else.

I went back to the surgeon yesterday, and he switched me to a softer collar for the next 4 weeks. It is more comfortable, but raised the heat index around my neck, and at practices, my neck is sweating to the point I have to wash and dry the collar when I get home! I don't have to wear it at night, which is a great relief.

Yesterday, my husband and I stopped in a store next to the drug store where I had to go to get the soft collar, and it was "Citi-Trends", where I had shopped the previous year with my son, Jared, for his school clothes. It was just the two of us that day, and we had so much fun. He picked the pants he wanted, and I was finding shirts that would match. Thinking of him, I could still see him there, and my husband told me that I should be happy for those memories of time spent with him, but all I could think of was that there would be no more memories....

We left there and stopped by the salon where my daughter is working doing manicures and pedicures. She is happy there. The atmosphere seems condusive to her healing and trying to move forward with her life. The owners have taken a liking to her, as she is a hard worker, and have told her that they will train her and give her the paperwork necessary once she has enough hours, to get certified in the field. I have been hoping she would enroll in college somewhere, but don't want to push her, as she is still very fragile, and my only child at home now. I constantly have to resist the urge to be overly protective and stifle her. We always do tell her that we love her before she leaves to go anywhere, and always say "be careful".

I still read all of your posts, just sometimes not able to write.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Duplicate post, sorry!

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

When I was in 8th grade, a classmate was accidentally shot and killed by another classmate messing around with a gun. In those days, no counseling was offered for the kids, I don't recall my parents talking to me about it, but I do remember going to the viewing along with all of my classmates. In our senior yearbook, a photo and small tribute was written for him, and at graduation, a large wreath was placed on the stage with his name on it. We never forgot, and I know his mother was so grateful for that. His name was Danny, and he was a gentle, artistic, sweet boy.

About 7 years ago, there was a terrible accident where a carload of teens leaving a graduation open house were struck and killed by a drunk driver, who survived. None of the teens were under the influence of any drugs or alcohol. It was a devastating blow to the community. The driver was sentenced and did some time, but not much. He was released from prison a couple months ago and the families were understandably distraught over how little time he served. A few weeks after his release, he drove his motorcycle into a house and was killed instantly. My oldest daughter commented to me, "I guess I can say that I've seen karma in action now" and I told her "That might be true, but I can't help but think that there is another grieving mother, and no one wins in that situation"

In some ways, my loss has made me softer, more understanding and sympathetic to others, and in other ways it has made me harder, colder, angry when people don't seem to understand what a precious gift their children are.....one more story....

My boyfriend has a niece who turns 8 this week and has been battling cancer (neuroblastoma) since she was 3 years old. It can be a very aggressive and relentless type of cancer. Her whole life has been hospital stays, illness, surgeries, treatments. In spite of that, she is happy and upbeat, a tough little fighter for sure. Her mother (my boyfriend's sister) posts updates about her condition on FB, which we appreciate since they don't live nearby. BUT--she also uses her FB to constantly bash the little girl's dad. These two "adults" have been bickering and fighting for much of the little girl's life. It upsets me to see this going on, don't they realize they are wasting precious time and energy?? And how can this sweet little girl fight for her life when there is constant chaos going on around her?

When you are standing at your child's grave, you are no longer worried about who was right or wrong.

I haven't posted lately but I am always here, reading and praying and standing beside all of you.....much love!

Jenn

Brianna's momma

[westleysmom]

I've been reading and keeping up with everyone the past few weeks, but just haven't had much to say. Did anybody see the show that came on after the olympics coverage last night on NBC? It was the new Matthew Perry show called Go On. I'm not a big MP fan, but this show really seemed like it might have something to say. His character is a new widower who is a sports radio guy and his boss sends him to a therapy group, since he thinks he needs someone to talk to. The therapy group is hokey and hysterical, with all different kinds of characters who have different types of losses, and their interaction was funny, and at the same time sweet. Just wondering if anybody else saw it. I don't know if anyone in the therapy group had lost a child, but they were all sad from their own losses, whatever they were. I was just glad to see a show that you could watch with your mother in the room. So many of the 1/2 hour shows are too risque for mixed company. Gotta get to work, just wanted to drop in and say hi to you all.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda-----I haven't seen the new show Go On with Matthew Perry. Sounds interesting though.

I ,so, know what you mean about risque shows & sitcoms that push the limit....(let alone the

ads being so very personal......and the ads for prescription and over-the-counter meds.....so

graphic). Sometimes one feels like they must be in medical school with the pharmaceutical

ads. They go on & on with all the side effects....."tell your doctor.." Blah...Blah...Blah. So

very tiresome and time-consuming. The companies spend more on ads than on research, I've read.

Something very wrong with that. Oh well, that's not likely going to change. It's big money at

it's worst.

Becky----I, too, know the heartache, anger, and sorrow of the person responsible for your child's

death never giving an apology. The driver causing my son, David's death, never apologized to

us. In court, he mumbled an apology to his family for all the trouble. Never spoke to us, or said

he was sorry. The woman causing JD's death must be a real danger to everyone on the road. Is

she still allowed to drive? The driver in our son's death was charged with a misdemeanor offense....

given only a slap on the wrist ...... he was relieved to go on his merry old way. I'm sorry that your family

is facing this same terrible injustice.

Kathy-----So sorry to hear of Tavian's difficult and distressing time. I think that Dee said it so well.

It's good that you are taking him to a therapist. A child's fears and sorrow are very real, and you

have been such a wonderful source of support.....in every way.....for Tav. Bless his heart. Sending

prayers. Thanks for posting the lovely pics.

Brenda-------Thoughts & prayers for you, Caleb, and your family.

Kate-----So sorry for the fire that took the girl's lives. Prayers for their families. Your experience

with the death of a friend when you were 12 is, indeed, a memory that has stuck with you all these

years. I, too, have had some of those experiences. When I was 10, a little girl cousin..age 18 mo.

died (accidental poisoning). It was also a Catholic Mass of Angels service, and I will always

remember it. Also, when in the 1st grade,lots of years ago, a little classmate was hit by a car passing the school bus,

as she was crossing the road. (This accident prompted the OH law for stopping for any school bus

mandatory....to be strictly enforced.) A child is so very effected when another child, parent, or siblings passes away.

As you say.....it is out of the natural order of things. You stated that you cannot rely on family for

care in old age, or as a surviving spouse situation. I, too, feel the same way. My 3 surviving children..

(all adults) are all struggling as it is , and I feel, would not be able, or ammenable to helping out.

We have actually stopped giving out money for all sorts of their problems, and have pretty much

decided that we better prepare for ourselves.

Dee-----How was your bike ride ? We have a Greenway Trail in our area, but there are areas of

disconnection in the pathway. there is talk of continuing an unfinished section in our area, but it

is no doubt a long ways off, due to the fact that the path goes through many farm field sections

( used years ago by a railroad tracks ). We can go a few miles away, in either direction, and pick it up there.

Just like everything else......there's lots of debate about it. Hope you got some cooler weather.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Becky, I am so glad taht you are in a soft collar now. Improvement, though hot I know. I have worn them. Now I am just a chimney, hot from menopause almost always. ICK! As far as patience, you will need to hold onto it as these cases often are years long. Our case when Amtrak hit Eri's car was 4 years long with no fault being the outcome for AMTRAK. No fault but the city did have some fault and actually expressed their apologies to us. After 4 years, I was ready to be done with the court and lawyer thing but Michael, ERi and Jon's dad was afraid of the time of no more fighting for Erica.

Sherry, the ride was short and sweet, I stayed close to home due to the threat of storms though we had no storms but are having some rain now. I needed to get to school so I did not have time to go on the bike path, though look forward to doing so again. Yes, you must take care of you and Denny, with money and social security as it is these days, we will all need to have some way of continuing our own care.

Rhonda, so good to see yoru sweet Son's face today, glad you are out there reading. We don't always have things to say on the forum, but knowing you are out there is a nice feeling. How is CJ?I have not seen that show either and feel the same way about Matthew Perry but the commercial did look good, I just did not know when it was on. I will look for it next week if I remember.

Jenn, good to see your post today, glad to know that you are out there as well. Yes, as Sherry said, to not have been able to say that they are sorry for such loss is beyond me. I wonder if their lawyers advise them not to in order to not take blame. I sure hope that your boyfriend's niece gets cured of that cancer, I just read something about it the other day, could it be that it is the most common childhood cancer and some kids have a much milder less aggressive form while others have a very aggressive kind? Prayers and yes, too bad so much energy is spent on bad-mouthing the parent of the child who so valiantly fights to stay alive and to find the good in the day.

[summergirl]

I just lost a big post and I am very tired !!! Hate when that happens. Thank you all for your wonderful words of wisdom concerning Tavian, I knew I could count on you to set me on the right path for him, I am going to call his therapist that he has seen before and really likes..... Today was a good day, he went fishing, 2 hours of football practice, dinner, shower and bed....no anxiety but was very busy. I always think I can cure any problem, insecurities that he has but I cannot - I hate seeing him like this although I understand where it comes from. Will keep you posted on how it goes. Also, thank you for sharing the losses you endured when you were young....I too lost my 4 best friends in a car accident on Halloween night when we were 13....they were hit by a drunk driver who also died....I remember going to the funeral (all held together) and not understanding at all what was really happening, my friends could not be in those boxes, I was going to go to school and see them, we would talk on the phone and hang out.....my parents did not really talk about it to me so I was left on my own to figure it out - I will not do that with Tavian.

Thank you also for the nice things said about me in Tavian's hat....I never post a pic of myself so it was quite the ordeal for me.....LOL

I will post a pic of my "football" boy....cannot believe how he is growing.....God help me !!! Hugs, Love and Prayers

[ericasmom]

Kathy, glad that chiming in helps in making decisions. I did not know that you suffered so great a loss at age 13. How hard that must have been to lose your buddies in one moment. WE all know how absolutely shocking it is, and you know first hand how scary it is for a child to face what we find so abstract as adults. Peaceful sleep to you.

Carol, just want you to know that I am holding you close.

[Sholl1955]

Such a hard day. I feel like I have hit a brick wall. Feel like I am losing strength physically, emotionally and spiritually. There are many changes that I need to deal with as far as current job and need to change jobs for my family as I am need ed more at home since my grandbabies need me and my hubby's dementia is getting worse, however I still need to work. I don't really look forward to yet another life altering event but will do what has to be done. I also realized today that as I am greiving for Sarah I am also grieving for me dear younger daughter. We have always been a close family but since Sarah died she has shut me out. She lives an hour and a half away and was very involved and helpful while Sarah was fighting her battle, now she doesn't want to discuss anything, does not want to here about my feelings and doesn't want to share her feelings. She does text pictures of my grandaugther but does not want to know what is going on here. I know it is the grief and we are absolutely grieving differently and I am so concerned about her. i love her and if feels like I have lost both my girls at the same time. I pray she finds her way back. I am so tired.

[ericasmom]

Sandra, your ache is palpable, your Sarah dying and your other Daughter being fairly reclusive and unable to join in on the grief with you must be a lonely spot to be. I think that Rachael will eventually be able to join you but must be so torn up inside that she is angry and needs this time alone. I remember writing a very similar post concerning my Son after ERi died, I could not broach the subject of Erica at all, it was and still remains much this way, a very private topic for him. He joins in each year when we have ERI-fest and he has photos of her up in his home, but he rarely tells stories of her or adds to stories I may be telling of a time when ERi did this or that. He keeps a shield around the topic of his Sister, she is his little Sis and he perhaps keeps her close in this way. We are opposites when it comes to our losses, I need to talk about Eri, about grief and about how connected I am to my Girl. Talking about her for me, keeps her near.

We are all so different in our grief needs. I went to therapy at around the 6 month mark in my grief, right around the same time I found this place. Together I found assistance in dealing with the daily in and out of life without my Girl. I also found it very helpful to talk about my Son in therapy as the therapist helped me see that he had a different relationship, a different loss, and will process it in his way no matter what I want. I read a book called, NAME ALL THE ANIMALS by Alison Smith-memoir, and it was about the death of the author's brother, how it affected her, her family, all from her view which I found important. I also thought it was very well written. I hope that your Daughter will find ways to get back to you and I believe she will but she can't right now. Being tired and exhausted is also what this sadness does to us so please take good care of you.

[Jeff's Mom]

Such a hard day. I feel like I have hit a brick wall. Feel like I am losing strength physically, emotionally and spiritually. There are many changes that I need to deal with as far as current job and need to change jobs for my family as I am need ed more at home since my grandbabies need me and my hubby's dementia is getting worse, however I still need to work. I don't really look forward to yet another life altering event but will do what has to be done. I also realized today that as I am greiving for Sarah I am also grieving for me dear younger daughter. We have always been a close family but since Sarah died she has shut me out. She lives an hour and a half away and was very involved and helpful while Sarah was fighting her battle, now she doesn't want to discuss anything, does not want to here about my feelings and doesn't want to share her feelings. She does text pictures of my grandaugther but does not want to know what is going on here. I know it is the grief and we are absolutely grieving differently and I am so concerned about her. i love her and if feels like I have lost both my girls at the same time. I pray she finds her way back. I am so tired.

Sandra, I believe that what Dee said is so very true. We all grieve in our own way. I understand the sadness you are feeling at the separation you are experiencing from your daughter at this time of need. I too am going through the same thing. I can only say that it is going to take time and patience to try to understand that they are coping with their loss in their own way. Withdrawing is unfortunately a very common practice after a family member dies. Just when we all need to stay close we often find ourselves backing away. She will find her way back. Don't lose heart.

[Jeff's Mom]

I had the oddest thing happen to me last night. My husband was away for the day on business and I decided to go to bed early and watch tv or read a book. Even though I was not tired I finally turned out the lights around 10:30. I lay there just thinking...always a mistake I make . Anyway, suddenly there was a ball of light that appeared towards the ceiling by the door. It was a green colour. It hovered for a brief minute and then disappeared as quickly as it appeared. This was the second time I have seen such a thing in this place. The first time was a few months after Jeff had passed away. Again my husband was not here. And again I was sitting up in my bed with a cup of tea and watching TV. Suddenly I felt as if there was something beside me. There to my right beside the window was a large ball of light. This time is was red. It scared me and I felt uneasy. Last night the feeling was a good one. As a few of you know we are living in the country. We are restoring a hundred year old cottage. I pretty well know the history of this place and have never felt uneasy here at all. But I will admit that things can be unusual at times. For instance...my son is a ...or was a huge Vikes fan. He collected a ton of stuff when he headed to see them play in Minneapolis every season. One of them being a purple fleece Vikings throw. I use it to toss over me when I have a nap occasionally. I have not been able to find it for a few weeks. I hunted high and low. Yesterday it was sitting on top of my yoga mat and bolster in plain view of everything. It had not been there earlier. I mentioned this to my hubby this morning. He too has had things go shall we say a little different at times. We usually just shrug it off. But these balls of light have me intrigued. Has anyone else seen them? And if not? I'm calling my doc asap.

[ericasmom]

Kate I love the ball of light, so glad that you had it, Jeff making sure that you saw it too, and saw his blanket. Double visit in one day. Lovely. I have had light things occur, and sounds at the window in the night. Yesterday I was lucky enough to have a hummingbird come right near my head just a foot and a half away if that, and hover there for some time. Just visiting with me. Loved it, it felt holy.

[mrsduc]

I was wondering if anyone in the first year had anxiety about leaving the house. I seem to have it ever since Robert died. It has been 7 months now and I am suppose to go to PA next weekend to visit 3 of my birth sisters and my husband is going along with me, but I am having so much anxiety about this. One of the reasons is the one sister that I am going to stay at her house for two days with another sister but the sister that I am staying with we have not talked since I found my birth family in 12 years. She all of a sudden wanted to give me a try and we have had this planned from the beginning of the summer. I have been talking to her on the phone and we are so much alike it is scary. But still it is not the safety of my own home. Then when we leave there we are going to another birth sister and staying with her for over night. I can't cancel because I have bought gifts for all and they are all looking forward to me coming. So I don't want to hurt them. So I am glad that my husband will be with me to help me threw any discomfort I might have.

Oh by the way, my husband and myself have started counseling to help us get thru my sons death and to make our relationship even better than it is. I am sure all are glad that I finally have reached out to counseling. We have only gone twice and it has been hard for both of us to go because we are both use to figuring out how to get thru things, and with Robert's death I am having a very hard time getting thru or just moving on and get into life. That is one reason that my husband and I decided to get the puppies so that I and my husband too but mostly me will have some things that will take my time and give me something to concentrate on other than the depressing thoughts of my son being dead. I will never forget my son and how much I love and miss him. And it hurts so bad still, but I need to try and move on. I do not know if each day will be good like today, but i have to try. Robert would want me too, for he told me so. I want him to be proud of me when he looks down and sees me in this world.

My husband and I decide Monday night on the spur of the moment that we would go to the beach and we went. We were suppose to stay until today but we came home yesterday because I was hurting so badly from all the walking we did the day before. I have a very bad leg with alot of nerve damage and I just need to be more careful. I try to do things and then realize that I can't. I also have so many discs that are compressing. I don't know if the doctors can do anything, but so far they tell me to exercise. So I do it and it makes my back go out and I am bedridden for days. So I have to really be careful.

May all learn peace thru this new journey that we all are on.

[Jeff's Mom]

Linda...I am so glad that things are progressing in a positive way for you. All good stuff! As far as anxiety issues? Well, that is also very normal. You are just beginning to find your legs again after such a shock. The visit will be a huge success and you will come away feeling so much stronger. How are those cute pups of yours?

Thanks Dee, I was wondering if I am developing something wrong with my eyes. Funny how these things happen out of the blue. I remember when my Mom was so very sick and towards the end. At this point she was in the hospital. I returned home after a long and tiring day. The stress was just awful. I sat down on the edge of our bed and just felt bottomed out. My husbands Aunt was also in full blown alzheimers and we were waiting to have her admnitted to the hospital. It was coming at me from all directions. I felt a hand touch my right shoulder. It was firm and without a word spoken in a way that was almost telepathy....something told me she was going to be ok for now. That touch gave me strength that to this day I can still feel. She did recover from that lapse and lived for another few months.

It is another beautiful day. The weekend looks to be terrific. Heading off to Gimli to do some grocery shopping. Found another interesting walking trail and think I'll try to get some exercise.Thinking of everyone today. Take care.

Kate

[daveydow1]

Kate------The green ball of light, and the peaceful feeling had to be a

visit from your dear Jeff. I ,so, believe this, in these types of things that

are not readily explainable. What an adventure.......restoring a 100 yr-old

cottage in the country. What changes have you made? I find it very

interesting. That would have been something that I would have liked to do

......say, a few years ago. I guess I wouldn't have the necessary energy

at this point. How many rooms are there ?

Linda------Wishing you good luck in your visit with your sister in PA.

Sarahsmom....Sandra-----I'm sorry that it has been a rocky time for you. Yes...

as others have said.....everyone has their own way of dealing with grief.

Sending thoughts & prayers, friend.

Kathy----I'm so sorry to hear that you lost four friends to a car accident

when you were age 13., and also sorry that you were left to deal with

your sorrow on your own. Thanks for the pic you posted of dear Tav

in his football suit. I bet he loves playing, doesn't he?

Dee----Cooler here today, and rainy. Doing some artwork the past couple

days, and working in the garden. We will be digging up a clump of marigolds

to take to the cemetery to plant on Lisa's grave. Something must have ruined

the geranium we had planted there for Memorial Day. We had two pink ones,

and now one is completely missing. Could be that the workers snipped it off

by mistake when doing weed-whacking. We have some very nice bushy marigolds

next to the garden, so it will work out well to transplant one for Lisa, I think.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Well, it seems as though it's been so long since I've posted that I don't even know where to start. Although, I have been reading as often as I can and am thankful for that connection, still I miss "talking" with you all and sharing in your days. It's been hectic here; we are in our 40th day of being away from home and our own bed. Forty days of ups and downs, with the most recent "down" being pneumonia...an old foe of Mike's who, honestly, I thought would have shown up long before now, considering the amount of time he's spent on his back! We were at one hospital for 10 days, after Mike fell and broke his collarbone. We stayed there longe than expected due to some complications that eventually were managed. Then, on to a rehab hospital, where we spent three weeks, but didn't make much progress due to more complications...if I remember right, I wrote about that... A thrush infection in his esophagus, which thankfully has since cleared. He,was actually doing pretty well a coiple of days ago for a couple of days, to include doing some walking without his bld pressure bottoming out. We were actually talking about the possibility of going home this weekend, when the pneumonia came-a-calling and set us back on our heels some. After being started on antibiotics, he responded quickly (quicker than usual) but then developed an allergy to the med, and they had to change it. Meantime, he had to stop the blood pressure meds cause he couldnt keep anything down. So, the antibiotics have kicked in but we are back to square one regarding the bld pressure mess. Hes back on those meds now, thoug, so hopefully that will come around okay and he can start walking again and maybe, just maybe, we can walk on out of here and head HOME!!!!

Meantime, there has been a lot of posts and a lot of input...reading the support given to each other here on BI is uplifting, though... advice given and the thoughts shared, joyous or pain-filled, go far in making the hours a little easier to bear when the hurt gets to be too much to carry alone. We here are all so blessed to have each other.

DEE: it is somewhat scary to think that you are already in there getting ready for school and I havent even been to the beach yet! Your kids coming in are blessed to have somone so caring to prepare so lovingly for the next 9-10 months of their lives so they can take away the most possible to help prepare them for the steps ahead. I love the humming bird's coming so close to you and hovering there...

KATE: Your visitor was indeed your precious son...many who have lost some one have shared similar experences. I am so glad it happened for you. And the blanket...awesome. Our grandson, Davis, who has pretty much always lived with us, and was just turned 21 when Mike died, considered Mike to be his brother, having grown up with him. Davis took it pretty hard when Mike died, but didn't like to talk about it. He was at home alone one day, and noticed that the Red Sox cigarette lighter he had that belonged to Mike was missing. Davis looked all over the house for it, searched his car, his pockets, etc., but couldnt find it. He finally laid down on the bed and fell asleep, sobbing. He woke up a little later and had his hand curled up under his chest. It had started to hurt a bit and that's what woke him up. When he rolled over to flex his hand to see what was wrong, the lighter was there, in his hand. He called me and was hardly able to hold back the tears as he told me what happened. When those types of things happen, it never ceases to amaze us, does it. Your find of a new trail sounds interesting...have fun exploring.

LINDA: It does indeed sound as if you are doing some good, positive things to move ahead through your life, and yes, Robert is definitely approving. I too think you will have a good time at each of your sisters' homes, and I am glad your hubby will be with you to help you through the rough spots. It can be difficult to start therapy, especially when someone else is involved, but I agree with Dee (and others here who have said the same) that therapy can be a very good thing. It certainly was for me.

SARAH: I am sorry that you and your daughter are having such a difficult time. Grief affects us all differently, especially when the loss is different, such as loss of a child and loss of a sibling. I pray you are able to work things out. We've had a few others here who have had the same types of scenarios, and fortunately most of them have eventually worked out, though there can be a lot of pain and hurt feelings involved in the process.

KATHY: I too loved the pictures you posted. Can't believe how Tavian has grown! Wow! And I thought you looked cute in his hat, too! I am glad you are seeking help for him with his therapy. You are indeed a good "mi-mi" (mama).

RHONDA: Glad to see your post and hear from you.

Doc is here...I will post this much and come back later. Also, Cathi is coming to take me to dinner at Olive Garden...I hate to leave for that long, but he is going to try to nap.

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh Carol, It's so very good to hear from you. I have missed reading your posts. We think about all of you each and every day and how you are managing. Those daily ups and downs,eh? This man of yours is a real fighter!!!! So sorry to hear he broke his collarbone. Here's praying and hoping your wish for a day home will soon come to pass. I enjoyed your story of Davis and the cigarette lighter. It's funny isn't it how we always look for a logical explanation. Yet, when we can't find one we frequently shrug it off and discount the obvious. That it is exactly that. A gift. I am a firm believer.

Dee...how lovely about the hummingbird. A truly beautiful moment in time. They are amazing little guys. And very territorial from what I understand. If you are still cleaning out cupboards? Well, are you offering your services? I am putting off cleaning out an old ancient garden shed of my father-in-laws. Filled to the brim with what nots. Guess I'll push up my sleeves one of these days and get down to the task.

Sherry...too bad about the geranium at the cemetery. I imagine you are right that the workers mistakenly ruining it while cutting the grass. Actually, marigolds are an excellent choice, as they thrive in dry conditions and are an insect repellent. They have so many pretty colour combinations these days over the plain yellow and orange of years ago.

[mrsduc]

I am sorry to say that we have not gotten our beautiful new babies. The American Eskimo (male) comes from Ohio on August 26th and I believe that my little sweet girl the Chihuahua is coming from Ok and I believe it is Sept. 4th. I am having such a hard time waiting, but I am trying to get all the house ready for them. I like to make sure that there is nothing that they can get into that will hurt them or destroy anything of ours, like computer cords, and other stuff like that. I also have to get some toys and their doggie playpen came today, so that when we travel and have to stay in a hotel they have a place to stay in when we have to leave the hotel without them. It works great. But our little guy comes the weekend after we come back from PA. My anxiety is getting bad. But my husband believes its because I do not know this one sister and what I am getting into. I do know that she has been raising her grandson as her own and the problem is she has never scold him or anything and he is so out fo control and I do not take children to well that are bad mouthing and rude and does what he wants and does not listen at all. SO I am worried that I won't be able to handle that and I will end up saying something that might effect any chance with having a relationship with my birth sister that has finally wants something to do with me. So I am trying to think of ways to handle this situation. Amd my other sister that is going to be there knows this kid and she knows me and she said that she will watch me and if worse comes to worse we will go to a hotel and stay the night. I would hate to do that but I have to think about myself.

My husband and I went to the beach like I said last night, and I think it brought us closer but we both brought Robert up many times. I just don't know if I will ever get threw a day without talking to him in my head and outloud.

Linda...I am so glad that things are progressing in a positive way for you. All good stuff! As far as anxiety issues? Well, that is also very normal. You are just beginning to find your legs again after such a shock. The visit will be a huge success and you will come away feeling so much stronger. How are those cute pups of yours?

Thanks Dee, I was wondering if I am developing something wrong with my eyes. Funny how these things happen out of the blue. I remember when my Mom was so very sick and towards the end. At this point she was in the hospital. I returned home after a long and tiring day. The stress was just awful. I sat down on the edge of our bed and just felt bottomed out. My husbands Aunt was also in full blown alzheimers and we were waiting to have her admnitted to the hospital. It was coming at me from all directions. I felt a hand touch my right shoulder. It was firm and without a word spoken in a way that was almost telepathy....something told me she was going to be ok for now. That touch gave me strength that to this day I can still feel. She did recover from that lapse and lived for another few months.

It is another beautiful day. The weekend looks to be terrific. Heading off to Gimli to do some grocery shopping. Found another interesting walking trail and think I'll try to get some exercise.Thinking of everyone today. Take care.

Kate

[mrsduc]

Linda...I am so glad that things are progressing in a positive way for you. All good stuff! As far as anxiety issues? Well, that is also very normal. You are just beginning to find your legs again after such a shock. The visit will be a huge success and you will come away feeling so much stronger. How are those cute pups of yours?

Thanks Dee, I was wondering if I am developing something wrong with my eyes. Funny how these things happen out of the blue. I remember when my Mom was so very sick and towards the end. At this point she was in the hospital. I returned home after a long and tiring day. The stress was just awful. I sat down on the edge of our bed and just felt bottomed out. My husbands Aunt was also in full blown alzheimers and we were waiting to have her admnitted to the hospital. It was coming at me from all directions. I felt a hand touch my right shoulder. It was firm and without a word spoken in a way that was almost telepathy....something told me she was going to be ok for now. That touch gave me strength that to this day I can still feel. She did recover from that lapse and lived for another few months.

It is another beautiful day. The weekend looks to be terrific. Heading off to Gimli to do some grocery shopping. Found another interesting walking trail and think I'll try to get some exercise.Thinking of everyone today. Take care.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Linda, why not find a low cost motel nearby your sister's home and explain to her that with your being up a lot at night due to yourloss, you need to be somewhere where you feel you can turn on the lights and read and cry. This may help you feel more comfy.

[mrsduc]

You must of read my mind. I think that is what we will do. It would make me feel alittle more comfortable. So thank you so much for the advice. Now I have a question for anyone. In the first year after the death of your child, did anyone seem to forget things that you had said to someone or other things. I have called people saying I wanted to call because we have not spoken in awhile and then they tell me that we spoke three days ago. And I have no memory of it but when they bring up the conversation we had I did remember that part. It is scaring me. I am only 51 and I do not want to have any type of alz. But one of my cousin thinks that maybe it is the medication the doctor has me on to help my depression and anxiety and also Robert's death. She thinks that it could be causing me some memory loss. She also thinks that I am in my house so much that I do not have alot of interaction with other people except on the phone, I also wonder if my mind needs more stimulation for a mind to thrive and not die. I don;t know how to do that since we moved here to take care of my parents and we know no one to hang out with. Sure we know acouple of neighbors but they have their own life and we just say hi or bye or if we have to go somewhere for a day or more, we pay a neighbor to take food to my dad and make sure he is all right. But other than that there is no one at all that we know. Plus we changed our life about 14 years ago, when we decied to stop drinking and we only had drinking friends and we do not do that anymore. But anyway it is a hard thing to live with nothing to look forward to day in and day out. And with my dad just doing nothing but drink and being not a nice person to me (he wants to have sex with me), so I do not go over unless my husband is with me. I have interests but I get so bored that I can't even seem to get motivated and either clean house and get it organized or work on some of my different craft projects that I like doing. It is so frustrating and I keep going around in a circle and never seem to do anything and it makes me so tired and I think that is another reason that I stay in bed all the time. But I am deciding that with the puppies coming that I will stay down on the main level with the pups so that if they have an accident it will be easier to clean up because it is all flooring. And once they can make it thru the night without having to go out after about 11pm to 6am then they can come upstairs which is carpet so that is my plan. So I will have to spend my time andthoughts on making sure the puppy the male American Eskimo does not hurt my little girl who is a Chihuahua. It worries us, but we were hoping that if we got them at the same time and at the same age that maybe they could work together because they are going to grow up together. But I can be wrong.

Linda, why not find a low cost motel nearby your sister's home and explain to her that with your being up a lot at night due to yourloss, you need to be somewhere where you feel you can turn on the lights and read and cry. This may help you feel more comfy.

[ericasmom]

Sherry, it rained and rained throughout the night last night, such a sweet sound to wake up to and fall back to sleep to, knowing that hte trees and flowers were drinking it all in. I went for a walk today and wore a sweatshirt as it was only 62 outside. My favorite weather. I hope some of the rain fell on the parched farms that dot our mid-west.

Linda, being much more forgetful after the trauma of loss like ours is fairly normal, add to it the meds for depression and depression itself and well, forgetfulness is more an issue. I was just saying the other day that since Erz died, I can honestly say that I have lost a piece of my remembering, not my remembering Eri, but the concentration it takes to really digest some things is huge compared to before her death. I do believe it is damage from the shock and sadness that changed our lives. We find ways to accommodate so don't worry too much.

Carol, how hard you work to keep Mike's spirits up as well as your own, those nurses and doctors will miss the two of you when you do finally get to go home. I sure hope that that is soon, I know your own bed will feel great, I pray for your return home with a healthy husband. I love the lighter in Davis' hand story, and like Sherry and you, I do believe that Kate was on the receiving end of a visit from her Boy. I sure hope that I provide a great year Carol, to my new students. I will meet them on the 22nd. I am sorry that you did not have beach time this summer, this summer insisted on a different scenario.

[Guest]

..

[ericasmom]

Lora, it is very normal in this new normal, to not want to be around many people and to get irritated very easily. In the beginning of your loss, your inclination was to reach out to Cara's friends, now you are pulling back, and it is what you needed to do and now this is what you need to do. If they question you, you could just let them know that you are now experiencing a new phase of grief that parents have and it needs to be respected with quiet. Good luck with working 7 days a week, make sure that you take good care of your physcial being since the emotional aspect of you is in deep pain you may forget to eat or drink plenty of water and to make sure you are taking a vitamin each day to keep your energy and immune system up. Be as kind to you as yo would have others do for themselves in similar circumstances.

[tantraman8]

Dear Lora,

I lost my son this past April. I too have entered a period where being there for my son's friends takes more energy than I have. It's certainly not that I don't appreciate them. When they respond to one of my FaceBook posts, or post on Josh's page, it touches me and feeds my soul. But, it's taking every ounce of my energy to take care of myself right now. I'm actually cutting my work hours back from five days a week to four. In the beginning, work was providing a structure where, in a very real way, I got a "break" from the loneliness and pain. Now, I'm discovering I only have JUST SO MUCH energy. So, I really get "not being there" for others, for now.

I'm sure you've probably heard of this, but I recently started reading a short meditation book called "Healing After Loss." The daily readings are short and it's nice to get some consoling, some reassurance around the "normalcy" of what I'm going through. This is unlike anything I've ever experienced. So Huge. I find, right now, I can only take things in small increments and that my task is to be GENTLE and compassionate with ME.

Thanks for posting, Lora. I, initially was struggling with not being able to be there for Josh's friends. Your post gave me a gentle reality check!

[Jeff's Mom]

Sherry, it rained and rained throughout the night last night, such a sweet sound to wake up to and fall back to sleep to, knowing that hte trees and flowers were drinking it all in. I went for a walk today and wore a sweatshirt as it was only 62 outside. My favorite weather. I hope some of the rain fell on the parched farms that dot our mid-west.

Linda, being much more forgetful after the trauma of loss like ours is fairly normal, add to it the meds for depression and depression itself and well, forgetfulness is more an issue. I was just saying the other day that since Erz died, I can honestly say that I have lost a piece of my remembering, not my remembering Eri, but the concentration it takes to really digest some things is huge compared to before her death. I do believe it is damage from the shock and sadness that changed our lives. We find ways to accommodate so don't worry too much.

Carol, how hard you work to keep Mike's spirits up as well as your own, those nurses and doctors will miss the two of you when you do finally get to go home. I sure hope that that is soon, I know your own bed will feel great, I pray for your return home with a healthy husband. I love the lighter in Davis' hand story, and like Sherry and you, I do believe that Kate was on the receiving end of a visit from her Boy. I sure hope that I provide a great year Carol, to my new students. I will meet them on the 22nd. I am sorry that you did not have beach time this summer, this summer insisted on a different scenario.

Dee, I am so happy that you brought up the memory loss situation. It is important for everyone to understand that after suffering such a trauma we will find a way to survive by blocking the pain. At first it washes over us and seems unbearable. Slowly we open up to it and as you have mentioned many times...we have to face it head on. There is no easy way or short cut with this process.

Do you remember me contacting you in a panic one day asking for help, as I simply could not remember a thing. My password on this site, my PIN number at the bank, simply everything was gone. I stood at the Bank in a complete daze. I have no idea what triggered it. Most likely some song on the radio that I heard prior to walking into the bank. Most likely U2. And it had Jeff all over it. I have done things like call people Linda and forget I had spoken to them. I have gone into my fridge to find my cell phone on a shelf. Walked into rooms and stood there wondering why I had walked into it. It will eventually start to get better. Tuscon David is correct in saying that for now Lora you must be gentle with yourself. There is no set time frame or direction to follow in grieving. Just let your heart lead you. And yes, the sound of rain falling gently on the roof is a lovely soothing sound. Almost hypnotic in a way.

Sherry...no we do not have any large animals, or a barn. Just my faithful old pal. Who by the way is still clipping along famously despite her blindness. How is that for a twist of fate? A blind lab being led around by her friend.

It is a wonderful day today. Weather could not be nicer. I agree with you Dee. Those cooler temps are right up my alley. I'm sure you'll make the best of those last few days before classes start. We are off for the day to do a ton of things. Thinking of all of you and hoping your day is ok. Take care.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Dave, I am so sorry that you are in the boat we have been chugging along in. There are times when it feels you are not able to paddle forward only backwards, those times, though we feel we are not strong, are really the times that we find our strength, where we develop the skills to find the light of our Child and move forward again. You are alongside of many in the same time-frame as you and then there are many of us scattered along the timeline. We all get it so please come back and let us know how you are doing and more about Josh.

Kate, I do remember your feeling afraid that you forgot important numbers and such, I still do this, and while at 56 I know some of it can be not as sharp as I once was, I feel the bigger drain started when ERi left.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

<3

[daveydow1]

Carol-----Good to see your post. I'm sorry for all the setbacks that Mike has had. I'm praying

hard that he will improve and be able to go home. That's a long time to be away from home,

I know. Your story about Davis and the Red Sox lighter is so nice. I'm hoping that sooner or

later, I will find Davey's answering machine with a message on it. It's the last time I will ever

be able to hear his dear voice. He had two answering machines (the older-type separate units), the

one I have at hand does not seem to be the one, as there is nothing on it. So, hopefully, the

one with the message.....his voice.....will turn up. Thinking about you & your family every day.

Dee-----Yep---it sure has cooled down around here too, with the rainy weather. Having to put

on a shirt or sweater is welcome after all the summer heat.

Tucson David------I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son. Peace & comfort to you.

Lora----I believe that your desire to be a distance from people right now is something that many

of us have had, on this rough and sorrowful road. We each must do what we have to do in

order to just get through each day. There is no set order that we follow. We just take one

step at a time. Sometimes it seems like a step forward, and then a couple steps back, but

sad to say......this the way of this journey. Take care of yourself......sending prayers.

Kate----What a dear pet you have to be so much comfort and friendship.....your black lab, "Annie."

Pets are so faithful and steadfast. I'm glad that you have Annie.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mrsduc]

Thank you everyone for making me feel like I am not going insane and loosing my mind. I do not remember all your names to address you correctly and for that I am sorry. I have at times tried to put pots and pans into the refrig. and started to throw away a gallon of milk instead of putting it back into the refrig. So I now know that I am not the only one doing strange things. Sometimes my mind just seems to go numb like it can't take anymore right now, and I think it has done that right now, ever since we got back from CA and after I went to the medium in CA and back home. I know Robert is doing all right and is happy but i am so sad that I can't deal with the pain of not having him in my life anymore on this earth. And my brain seems to be blocking all the pain and trama that it has caused me. I blow kisses everytime I go from the kitchen to the stairs or back because you look right into my living room and there right in plain sight is the curio with Robert's ashes in it and his framed death certificate and other things that I got from his apartment. But I am now refusing to talk to him and as I said my brain just seems blank and numb. I guess it is taking a break. I did go to the store and got groceries and did laundry yesterday, but I still cannot seem to drive myself anywhere, it is just too scary since Robert died and I do not know why, but my husband takes me where ever I am comfortable to go and either comes in the store with me or waits in the car. He has been so calm and undrstanding thru all of this, I have been so truely blessed to have him. I do not know where I would be at this point without him.

You will not believe this, and I might have already told you all, but can't remember, and if I have sorry for repeating myself. But my youhavngest son, Chris is bringing my granddaughter Kylie Marie over tomorrow and I cannot wait. I do not know what got into him to call me out of the blue and ask if he could bring her over, but I am so happy whenever I get to see her. She just brightens a sad heart so much. She has Roberts eyes. I do wish that Robert had met her but it was not meant to be. But anyway when we were at the beach we got her a couple of presents and got Chris a shirt and now I am stressing that his wife will get mad because I did not buy her anything. But I do not know her and I do not like how she treats my son or my granddaughter and I do not like how she decides when and if I get to see Kylie. So that is why I do not feel like getting her a gift. But now I am afraid that since I did not get her a gift she will not say anything to me but she will tell Chris after they leave and then they will decide to keep Kylie away from me. But it is like my husband said to me when I expressed my fear, its not like you see her alot now. They will not let her alone with me or come to there house and help her with watching Kylie so she can clean house or vice versa, she watch her child and I get their house in order, which I offered. And I would have to drive almost 3 hours. But they not allowed me to know when the next time I will see my granddaughter. And that is what hurts so much that they are holding all the emotional cards and I just jump everytime they speak because I am so afraid to stand up for myself and say anything wrong for fear of loosing the little bit that I do get to see Kylie Marie. But I hate that both of the boys have me on this control string (so to speak) and I believe they know it. I keep saying that I will not jump everytime they call but I do. And they do not call that much. Tom my middle son, who went with me to CA (which I paid for him and his girlfriend) does not call me. The last time he called me is about a year or so ago. He did not call me on mother's day or my birthday or christmas. Robert was the only one that made an effort to have a real relationship with me and think and see me as not only his mother but as a human being that gets hurt too. And I think that is hard for our kids to view their parents as people with feelings and stuff because they believe that they can do anything to us and we will always take it and be there for them. That is what I am talking about that part that I hate about myself. And since Robert has gone I really feel more and more alone. My sister use to be there for me, but now she is into a new relationship and does not call me but maybe once a week and sometimes not that. I was able to say something to her but it has not changed anything. So I just have a lot of changing of things around me that effects me that I have to deal with whcih before Robert's death was hard, but it just seems worse now. I feel so alone and abandoned. I know that people don't want to be around a depressed and grieving person all the time, but I thought I had gotten much more of a relationship with this one sister that she would be here more for me. But I keep telling myself that everyone has to think of themselves and do what is right for them and if it is without me in the mix then I just have to deal with it. I think you all understand. Or atleast I hope you do. Thanks for listening to me. In a couple of days (17th) my son would of finally been found lying in his bed for two weeks, It hurts me all the way from my gut to so far into my soul that my son Robert layed on his bed dead for two weeks. So I was not able to see him. I got the autopsy report and the police report (had to pay for them) and how bad he was they had to get dental records to identify him. In the autopsy report they say he had no tattoos and he had one on his calf part of his leg. It also said that they could not tell the color of his eyes because of laying there too long. I just have a real hard time with why the neighbors did not notice that he was not walking the dogs sooner than 2 weeks and one of his friends told me that well this is LA and that is how it is, people do their own thing. But it does not help me to know that those dogs were in that apartment with nothing to eat or drink and they had lived but barely. The one dog had parasites in her because she would not leave Robert's side and apparently licked all over him, trying to get him to wake up. I can see it like if I was there. I also know that they had to break his legs and arms so they could get him into the body bag because of how long he laid there and that makes me so sick and sad even though logically I know that Robert could not feel them breaking his legs and arms because he was not in his body anymore it still hurts me. I am having a hard time also getting past that my love should of been able to save him. For I loved him so much and we were best friends. And I was working with him daily to try and help him. Sure I knew that he had been thinking suicide before and I knew that probably one day he might do it, but I still kept hoping that I could get thru to him and help him. I knew what was going on inside him where as some others had no idea. But I do believe no matter what that it was his time to die and that when it is your time to die you will die. And even if he had not OD on purpose he could of gone out and blocked the half block to the corner store and been hit by a car or something. So I do know that he was suppose to die and go to heaven that night. I just don't understand what was the purpose of his life. I feel so badly because I chose way back 33 years ago to have a baby and when he was born I was so happy. But things went wrong way from the beginning of his life that I had no control over and I did not like. And that is when the comflict and tormented started with him and only got worse when they got custody and they kept me out of the picture. That is why I blame them for my son killing himself. They caused his pain and torment with their actions towards him and their words that would cut through most people but it is different when you are a very sensitive person and want so badly to have the people that you love want you and accept you for who and what you are and what you want to do in life.

Well promise to stop for now. Thanks Linda

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you everyone for making me feel like I am not going insane and loosing my mind. I do not remember all your names to address you correctly and for that I am sorry. I have at times tried to put pots and pans into the refrig. and started to throw away a gallon of milk instead of putting it back into the refrig. So I now know that I am not the only one doing strange things. Sometimes my mind just seems to go numb like it can't take anymore right now, and I think it has done that right now, ever since we got back from CA and after I went to the medium in CA and back home. I know Robert is doing all right and is happy but i am so sad that I can't deal with the pain of not having him in my life anymore on this earth. And my brain seems to be blocking all the pain and trama that it has caused me. I blow kisses everytime I go from the kitchen to the stairs or back because you look right into my living room and there right in plain sight is the curio with Robert's ashes in it and his framed death certificate and other things that I got from his apartment. But I am now refusing to talk to him and as I said my brain just seems blank and numb. I guess it is taking a break. I did go to the store and got groceries and did laundry yesterday, but I still cannot seem to drive myself anywhere, it is just too scary since Robert died and I do not know why, but my husband takes me where ever I am comfortable to go and either comes in the store with me or waits in the car. He has been so calm and undrstanding thru all of this, I have been so truely blessed to have him. I do not know where I would be at this point without him.

You will not believe this, and I might have already told you all, but can't remember, and if I have sorry for repeating myself. But my youhavngest son, Chris is bringing my granddaughter Kylie Marie over tomorrow and I cannot wait. I do not know what got into him to call me out of the blue and ask if he could bring her over, but I am so happy whenever I get to see her. She just brightens a sad heart so much. She has Roberts eyes. I do wish that Robert had met her but it was not meant to be. But anyway when we were at the beach we got her a couple of presents and got Chris a shirt and now I am stressing that his wife will get mad because I did not buy her anything. But I do not know her and I do not like how she treats my son or my granddaughter and I do not like how she decides when and if I get to see Kylie. So that is why I do not feel like getting her a gift. But now I am afraid that since I did not get her a gift she will not say anything to me but she will tell Chris after they leave and then they will decide to keep Kylie away from me. But it is like my husband said to me when I expressed my fear, its not like you see her alot now. They will not let her alone with me or come to there house and help her with watching Kylie so she can clean house or vice versa, she watch her child and I get their house in order, which I offered. And I would have to drive almost 3 hours. But they not allowed me to know when the next time I will see my granddaughter. And that is what hurts so much that they are holding all the emotional cards and I just jump everytime they speak because I am so afraid to stand up for myself and say anything wrong for fear of loosing the little bit that I do get to see Kylie Marie. But I hate that both of the boys have me on this control string (so to speak) and I believe they know it. I keep saying that I will not jump everytime they call but I do. And they do not call that much. Tom my middle son, who went with me to CA (which I paid for him and his girlfriend) does not call me. The last time he called me is about a year or so ago. He did not call me on mother's day or my birthday or christmas. Robert was the only one that made an effort to have a real relationship with me and think and see me as not only his mother but as a human being that gets hurt too. And I think that is hard for our kids to view their parents as people with feelings and stuff because they believe that they can do anything to us and we will always take it and be there for them. That is what I am talking about that part that I hate about myself. And since Robert has gone I really feel more and more alone. My sister use to be there for me, but now she is into a new relationship and does not call me but maybe once a week and sometimes not that. I was able to say something to her but it has not changed anything. So I just have a lot of changing of things around me that effects me that I have to deal with whcih before Robert's death was hard, but it just seems worse now. I feel so alone and abandoned. I know that people don't want to be around a depressed and grieving person all the time, but I thought I had gotten much more of a relationship with this one sister that she would be here more for me. But I keep telling myself that everyone has to think of themselves and do what is right for them and if it is without me in the mix then I just have to deal with it. I think you all understand. Or atleast I hope you do. Thanks for listening to me. In a couple of days (17th) my son would of finally been found lying in his bed for two weeks, It hurts me all the way from my gut to so far into my soul that my son Robert layed on his bed dead for two weeks. So I was not able to see him. I got the autopsy report and the police report (had to pay for them) and how bad he was they had to get dental records to identify him. In the autopsy report they say he had no tattoos and he had one on his calf part of his leg. It also said that they could not tell the color of his eyes because of laying there too long. I just have a real hard time with why the neighbors did not notice that he was not walking the dogs sooner than 2 weeks and one of his friends told me that well this is LA and that is how it is, people do their own thing. But it does not help me to know that those dogs were in that apartment with nothing to eat or drink and they had lived but barely. The one dog had parasites in her because she would not leave Robert's side and apparently licked all over him, trying to get him to wake up. I can see it like if I was there. I also know that they had to break his legs and arms so they could get him into the body bag because of how long he laid there and that makes me so sick and sad even though logically I know that Robert could not feel them breaking his legs and arms because he was not in his body anymore it still hurts me. I am having a hard time also getting past that my love should of been able to save him. For I loved him so much and we were best friends. And I was working with him daily to try and help him. Sure I knew that he had been thinking suicide before and I knew that probably one day he might do it, but I still kept hoping that I could get thru to him and help him. I knew what was going on inside him where as some others had no idea. But I do believe no matter what that it was his time to die and that when it is your time to die you will die. And even if he had not OD on purpose he could of gone out and blocked the half block to the corner store and been hit by a car or something. So I do know that he was suppose to die and go to heaven that night. I just don't understand what was the purpose of his life. I feel so badly because I chose way back 33 years ago to have a baby and when he was born I was so happy. But things went wrong way from the beginning of his life that I had no control over and I did not like. And that is when the comflict and tormented started with him and only got worse when they got custody and they kept me out of the picture. That is why I blame them for my son killing himself. They caused his pain and torment with their actions towards him and their words that would cut through most people but it is different when you are a very sensitive person and want so badly to have the people that you love want you and accept you for who and what you are and what you want to do in life.

Well promise to stop for now. Thanks Linda

Now listen to me my girl...you are going to get through this. You will. I know it may not seem like it right now. But hold on. You can do it! Focus on your visit with Kylie. Enjoy those given moments. They are precious. As far as memories? I get you. PM me if you would like to talk. I have walked in your shoes, but in a different way. Face it...we are all so different here. I watched as they pushed my son out the door zipped up in a body bag days before Christmas. There was ice on the deck. They almost lost him. He... or should I say the gurney they placed him on... started to roll on the ice.I stood there frozen in disbelief as we had eaten dinner a mere few hours before. They laughed as he started to fall off of the gurney. The RCMP stayed to ask us questions. They recorded everything each of us said. They took pictures of his room and the bathroom medicine cabinet. I felt like a criminal. I was not allowed into his room to cover him properly. The tube was still in his mouth and his eyes were still open. Blood spattered on the walls from needles they used to inject him. I asked the RCMP officer to please cover him up as I knew he would expect at least that much dignity. He died within hours of our eating dinner together. It took five full months for the autopsy results to be confirmed. We and for that matter he had never harmed a fly in our lives and we were under a miscroscope. I do understand that now. They had to get down to the bottom of his death. He did after all work with street people. Did he have access to drugs? What exactly happened? Today, after over two full years I am now living my life in bits of goodness. Pieces of time that are ok. You will do the same. Please do not focus on the negative. Look towards the future as hard as that is. I know that not long after he died that I saw absolutely everything in a different light. I mean how could things that seemed so important before have had a true meaning? This type of loss puts it all into perspective. materialism is out the window. Focus on building your new life. Find strength not in the horrible memories of those last days, but in the wonderful memories you have of time spent together. Those stolen golden moments. Honour Robert's memory with showing him you have the strength to continue in a positive way. He would be so proud of you for that. You can do it!

Love, Kate

[mrsduc]

Kate, I did not mean to come off negative, just trying to state some facts about my other kids that are alive and how they want nothing really to do with me. I am trying very hard to work on minute by minute things that make me all right and happy. And I have found that my husband and my granddaughter and the short times I get to see my sons. But I am not pushing myself on them anymore for I have done that for years now and it has gotten me no where and they have told me and shown me in many ways over the years that they do not really want me in there life, but that they love me. So I take what I can get and try each time they leave to just stay positive and say it was a good visit. I will be too busy with Kylie to worry about my son or his nasty wife. I speak to them when I have to but since Robert died I have changed in so many ways and I refuse to try and fight a battle I am not going to win. But also they may think that they are doing a nice deed in letting me see Kylie every so often, but I know that my little bit of presence in her life will be more meaningful then hours she spends with her mom's mom. I play with her I teach her new things. I mostly interact with her which her parents do not. They believe in putting her in this room and barricading her in there with the TV on Nick Jr. and then they leave her be. No communication no nothing and she is such a smart little girl it just seems like a waste. I have taught her patty cake but I am having a hard time remembering all the ones I taught my boys when they were young. I had so many fun ones that I would do with them to teach them things all day long. I just think it is so sad. And I have never seen her in shoes even when they brought her over to my ex's house when Robert died and that was in January. But I keep telling myself that I am not the parents and that it is not my job or responsiblity to teach this child anything. But when she is with me I can try my best to make a good loving impacted on her. And that is what I intend to do. Then next weekend I go to PA to have some time with my birth sisters. We want to have a sleep over because we all grew up with different parents and we did not know each other as kids so it is like a dream come true in a way. Then the weekend after that I get the first dog and acouple days after that we get the second one, so I will be busy with teaching them everything and training them to go potty outside. So I am trying to do everything I can to make a life for myself little bit at a time without my son Robert and my best friend Robert.

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Lora, just keep on reading and reaching out as this is a place where one finds their footing. We are holding on to you.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

<3

[shorty16]

JD's Mom

If JD's angel date is in Oct of 2011, you have every right to be stuck. Not even a year into this and you are expecting yourself and be "Better."

Please be kind to yourself. I was not "better" until about the 3 year mark. I do not tell you this to depress you. I tell you this so you can be kinder to yourself and allow yourself this grief process.

Our lives have changed forever. Everything is different. We cannot expect ourselves to be the way we were - because our environment is not the way it was.

Are others around you telling you that you are stuck? If they have not lost a child, the depth of this greif is foreign to them.

Hang on my friend. You are doing fine, because you are participating in life to the exent you can now.

You are grieving and will be for a while. Walk behind me and I will cut the way for you.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever (4 years and counting)

[shorty16]

Robert's Mom

In the first year, everything I set down, I lost.

I would be driving and forget where I am going.

I found the TV changer in the frige.

OH YES, I was right there with you.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Robert's Mom

In the first year, everything I set down, I lost.

I would be driving and forget where I am going.

I found the TV changer in the frige.

OH YES, I was right there with you.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmomrs]

Becky, I think you didn't get any feedback yet because there have not been any posts, except for Colleen's. And I agree wtih Colleen: Oh, yes, my dear, you are NOT stuck. Dee said it many times...our lives changed significantly when we gave birth; does anyone really think we and/or our lives wouldn't change when we lose that precious child? It is difficult for us that others don't understand, but the only way they would is if they walked in our shoes, and they can't do that, and we hope they don't have those shoes for themselves someday. I remember telling someone once, you cannot know what it is to BE blind. You can cover your eyes and go about your day with a blindfold on, BUT, in your heart you know that no matter how difficult the day becomes, all you have to do is take off the blindfold and you will no longer be "blind." You weren't actually "blind," you just couldn't see. It is the same for many other things...being crippled, for instance, if you are not crippled and pretend taht you are, you will only know what it MIGHT be like. And for grieving the loss of a child, no one can know the pain we go through unless they are going through it, too. No, my dear Becky, you are NOT stuck. Colleen's words about 3 years is right on the mark...my therapist told me from the beginning, when I told him of the hard time I was getting from my boss about not "being over it yet" at three months, my therapist said "I have news for him...the "general" time, and it can be different for many, is at least 3 years." So, keep that in mind. How you are feeling right now is because you are not even a year out from the most devestating thing to have ever happened to you...you lost your precious child.

So, please know that we are here to understand, to help each other. Those of us here longer can help you to understand your feelings, to help you to know that you are not STUCK, and that there is a light further down the road, but not now. We can't lift your pain from you, but as Colleen said, "walk behind me and I will cut the path for you." Those of us here longer are doing just that. STay close.

LINDA: I hope you have a good day today with your sweet granddaughter.

I have to go as I have to get back to the hospital. Took a break to go to church and run by the house for some things. there is a teeny-tiny chance that we MIGHT come home tuesday. It depends on how his blood pressure is over today and tomorrow. It has to stay at least in the 80's over 60's for them to release him. He wants SO much to go home. So do I.

[ericasmom]

Becky, stuck? We all get stuck and if you are wondering it, then that is the sign that perhaps you feel stuck but you are still so new on this road that I could not say stuck. I am still writing poetry to express my missing Eri nine years later, I miss her everyday, but I don't ache the same way I did when I was in that first year, second year too. That kind of finding one's footing takes time and being stuck is sometimes the only way you can work through one phase of grief to get to the other. Your Son's death is also a court which makes it very fresh as you wage a battle but really, in those first two years, you will bounce between a few stages of grief readily and later on, you will move on to stages that you are ready to enter. It is all so individual. I liked your poem, to me it is you rehashing what happened, trying to make sense of it as best you can. When I could not stop doing that, going over th eevents each day many times, that is when I went to therapy because I was reliving the call and the subsequent 6 days over and over throughout the day aNd it was blocking all the light in a day, it was blocking my ability to remember the good and the great things of Erica. I got help for that and began to find I had more room in my mind for the good memories once I worked to no longer need the reruns of the tragedy. Oh it is right there, a switch that if turned on I see it all unfold, but I had to physcially find ways to change my thinking in order to live my best life in her light. And I know that she wants that for all of us who love and miss her. You are facing an anniversary soon so that sense of being afraid or stuck may be heightened by this approaching date. Be very kind to yourself, you know Jared would only want the very best for you and and finding that takes time and patience with your changed self.

[ericasmom]

Hi Col and Carol, I posted while you did Carol, and I will just say DITTO to everything you and Colleen said. I hope Carol, that that itty bitty chance for tuesday turns into a REALITY

[ericasmom]

Robert's Mom, have fun today with BabyGirl, and maybe to alleviate that sense of the Mom not liking the way you do things, just give the baby a gift and you can always send the gift for your Son later in the week, so that she is not able to say that she was left out. Enjoy.

[daveydow1]

Linda----Enjoy your time with your dear little granddaughter. She will , no doubt, grow

up remembering all the fun things you did with her, and taught her.

Becky------In losing your dear JD so recently, you are bound to feel, at times, that you

are stuck. As others have said......on this journey that no parent ever wants to be on,

there are steps forward, and steps back. Many pitfalls along the way. Just hang on,

friend. As painful and difficult as it is, there will, in due time, be light at the end of

the tunnel. Each one on this road must go at their very own timeline. Your poem

is very heartfelt and touching.....coming straight from your heart & soul. Prayers for you.

Carol-----I sooooo hope that you can bring your dear husband home from the hospital soon.

Kate----Take care.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[briansdad]

I'm sittng around the house feeling kinda down. Went to the cemetery where Dad's buried. It's been 52 years Aug 8th. Still miss him deeply.

I was thinking about how grief is like a hill of loose dirt. You scramble up and make some headway and the dirt gives way and you dig in with your hands to keep

some of the progress you've made.Some days it works and you don't slide back too far. Then there are those days where your losing traction with hands and feet and you know this is going to be a bad landing.That's when a friend who is on the same hill,only their above you ,reaches down and grabs your hand. That is what this site is like.

I have 2 barred owls who have taken to our swing set in the back yard. They come there every night. I'll try to attach a video I shot of them.

[Jeff's Mom]

I'm sittng around the house feeling kinda down. Went to the cemetery where Dad's buried. It's been 52 years Aug 8th. Still miss him deeply.

I was thinking about how grief is like a hill of loose dirt. You scramble up and make some headway and the dirt gives way and you dig in with your hands to keep

some of the progress you've made.Some days it works and you don't slide back too far. Then there are those days where your losing traction with hands and feet and you know this is going to be a bad landing.That's when a friend who is on the same hill,only their above you ,reaches down and grabs your hand. That is what this site is like.

I have 2 barred owls who have taken to our swing set in the back yard. They come there every night. I'll try to attach a video I shot of them.

Greg, He/she is absolutely magnificent! How tamed he appeared to be. Thanks for sharing. Sorry you are missing your Dad so much. I know at times when we feel really low we often look to those that we could rely on to offer us support. Your Dad is more than likely drifiting along with Brian in an amazing scenario fishing to their hearts delight. How long ago did the owls start to come to your yard? Have you been watching the Olympics at all? Hard to believe it is over tonight.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you Colleen, Carol, Dee & Sherry, for your kind words and advice.

There are days when I feel like I am getting worse instead of better. I seem to always come back to those first moments. It was, looking back, as if being outside of my body, doing what needed to be done, and being so totally numb at the same time. I have cried more these past couple of months than when it first happened!

[mrsduc]

I absolutely love your discription of how the grief feels like. It is so dead on what you said. And I just felt the need to say that to you. It has only been 7 months for my son and on the 25th of this month it will be 5 years since my mom died. I took care of her the last 4 years of her life and the last year of her life I pretty much carried her. As much as it wore me out physically and mentally and destroyed my body, I would do it again and I know that I would do it so much better than I did it before because I have learned thru taking care of her how to have patience with people that you take care of when they are sick with dimentia. So loosing someone that you love is like you said trying to climb up a dirt hill. But I see the hill very steep and just when you think you are near the top (thinking you are going to be all right, not over it, but thinking that you will be able to make it without that loved one in your life anymore) you fall down so you can not get back up to that top yet. I do not know when or if we ever make it to the top of the steep dirt hill. SO thanks for sharing your view.

I'm sittng around the house feeling kinda down. Went to the cemetery where Dad's buried. It's been 52 years Aug 8th. Still miss him deeply.

I was thinking about how grief is like a hill of loose dirt. You scramble up and make some headway and the dirt gives way and you dig in with your hands to keep

some of the progress you've made.Some days it works and you don't slide back too far. Then there are those days where your losing traction with hands and feet and you know this is going to be a bad landing.That's when a friend who is on the same hill,only their above you ,reaches down and grabs your hand. That is what this site is like.

I have 2 barred owls who have taken to our swing set in the back yard. They come there every night. I'll try to attach a video I shot of them.