Loss of an Adult Child

[mrsduc]

Today was a great day. As most of you know my granddaughter came to visit me with my son Chris and his wife Jessica (who I cannot stand, but pretend I do). Kylie is walking now and she is so much fun to be around. It keeps any thought of depression or bad thoughts of loosing anyone. All you can think about when she is around is watching some of the most funniest things that she does. She got in my house and I have a hallway that takes you into the dining room to the living room and she was walking and screaming like someone was chasing her. I could not help but laugh about it. I will enclose a few pictures at the end. I also went outside with Chris at one point and we spoke (or should I say I spoke) things that needed to be said. I could tell he has his heart pretty closed for me right now. And that could be from alot of reasons but the most is probably because of the way they raised him to not like me. I know because he has admitted somethings that they told him and so did his brothers so I know they are true because Chris has a tendency to lie about things depending who he is with. He just was never taught to be allowed to be himself and think for himself or learn who he is as a human being and a man. But I was trying to get out some things about the past year that was said that made them keep my granddaughter from me and most of the stuff that was said was lies and he did not believe me over his wife's mom and that was why he kept her and himself out of my life and the only reason we came back together was because of Robert's death and I was at his father's house (my ex) and he had no choice with so many people around to talk to me and let me see Kylie at 6months old. And then I did not see her until the end of June. But I am so trying to believe him when he tells me that he wants me in his life and that I will be apart of Kylie's life,but at the same time he tells me the only family he has is his wife and daughter and he has no one else. That is when I tell him that he has me and always will. He thought for a moment and said yeah I guess I know that. Just did not sound too convincing. But I am trying to learn to take what I can get and leave it at that. But it is fun being a grandma because when I get tired I can give her back to her parents. LOL. Kylie has Robert's eyes and every time I look at her I see Robert in her. That makes me happy. My birth sisters have been asking me about her fingers. And I did remember to look on the one hand. See we are not sure what side of the family is the cause, our real mom or our real dad's side, that some of us are worse than others but we have crooked pinkys and others don't have it as bad. Mine are not as bad as one of my sisters but I have about three fingers that are crooked and all my life as child I did not understand and I thought I was seeing things or I thought I must have done something to make them that way but I knew that nothing had happened and I would try to straighten them all the time. Now I do not worry it is a heritity thing and we have no control over it. Well Kylie has it too. So far hers are as slight as mine. When I told my one sister tonight she just got so excited and said yes she is one of us. I just had to laugh. So alot got accomplish today between Chris and myself and I will jsut wait and see how it goes. But I feel pretty good about it. I am just so much happiness in me right now playing with Kylie for 5 hours. I was crawling on the floor with her and leaning over outside on the sidewalk so that she could walk. Oh yeah did I tell you that I have bad disc in my back that are being compressed and I have nerve damage in my foot that I have had surgery on three times and so far none of the surgeries have helped and my doctor said that there was nothing more she could do for me. She did not refer me to anyone else and told me that I should not be in pain and that if I was I must be making it up and so there was nothing more she could do for me. But I have to figure out who can help me and how they can help me soon. I have a very painful days with my back and leg. It kills me. But anyway I was not about that stop me today to be with Kylie. I know tomorrow will be bad because I am starting to feel it now. But to me it was worth it.Anyway here are some pictures of a day with Kylie. She is 13 month old now.

Me with Kylie. If you look behind me you will be able to see the curio that is Robert's memorial with his urns in it with other things from his house and things that people gave me.

First time Kylie had been on grass. I think that is so sad that they will not take her out in their back yard and enjoy the outside. But she was afraid at first because she had never been on grass and it scared her. But then I put her on my lap and started talking to her quietly and showing her that she could pick the grass she seemed to not mined it as much.

[ericasmom]

Greg, so wonderful to see you tonight. I am thrilled with your video of the Barred Owls. SO very beautiful to watch. Wow, what a great visitor and how cool that you captured the visit!!!

I agree, grief is like loose dirt, it slides and we cannot find the base, the foundation that we hoped would be there. Everything shakes loose. We have to build a new foundation.

I hope you feel the powerful love from your Sweet Son and your Dear Dad.

Robert's Mom, the photos are lovely, your little Grandgirl is adorable. I am very happy that you had fun.

[Sholl1955]

Linda your baby grandaughter is beautiful and it sounds like you had a wonderful time with her. Aren't grandbabies great. They can be exhausting but oh so special. I know that you are going to see your biological sisters and wanted to share my Dad's experience. He was adopted and all of his life he always wanted to meet his brother's and sisters, there were 7 of them. Well he became very ill with heart disease. He had a cousing who did research for biological family and 2 months before he died my Dad got his wish and was able to meet all but one of them.. One brother had died.. When he was in the hospital the visited him and they all planned to have a big party at the lake on Memorial Day. His brothers would come to see him at the hospital and it was amazing that these people had never met but it was clear they were family. Many of the mannerisms were the same and they had the same ornery sense of humor as my dad.. One of his sisters, my Aunt looked just like me . Unforunatley my Dad died and was buried on Memorial Day. However they went to the cemetary and then all went to the lake for thier reunion. My brothers went but i just couldn't make it. The Aunt that looked like me had the same mannerisms and characteristics that cracked my brothers up. So, Linda get ready for a good time. You already have a biological bond. Can't wait to hear your stories.

Sandy

[JD's Mom, Becky]

‎45 weeks today, Jared. ♥ U Infinity.

[Jeff's Mom]

Linda, your pics of the baby are so cute. I am really glad you had a terrific day.

Thinking of everyone who is feeling particularly low these days. Greg, hope today is a better one for you.

Hold on everyone. It does get better with time. It changes, but it will slowly begin to subside...the initial pain. Take one day at a time. Keep a list of things you need to do for the day. Try to stick to at least accomplishing one thing each day. Be kind to yourelf. Try to get the proper rest and eat sensibly if you can. Exhaustion and hunger will only intensify the situation. Do not let others tell you how to grieve. This is your call. Hang in there.

Kate

[hoosiermom]

Linda, I am amazed by how much your baby girl looks like you in the first pic! You can definitely tell she is your granddaughter So glad you had a good visit, she is absolutely precious.

Greg, the video was so neat! I love how the owl looks right at the camera, as if he knows he is being filmed! We had a small owl in one of the trees in our yard a few years ago, the girls named it Hootie and I got a few good pictures, some are hard to see because he blended into the tree so well! One evening I was standing on the deck when he decided to take off in flight and he swooped right over the top of my head and soared away, it was quite the experience!

Had a good weekend visit with my mom, my sis and nephew and my oldest daughter. I have had a somewhat strained relationship with my mom over the years, won't go into detail but I will say that she has struggled with some addiction issues that she seems to have conquered and so I am glad for her. She just moved back from Florida and I had an extra dining table/chairs that I gave to her to use, felt good to help her.

Carol--prayers and thoughts for you and hubby, always.

To all who are within the first year of loss....I remember feeling stuck, wanting so badly to go back but couldn't, and not knowing how to move forward. One moment, one hour, one day at a time my Indigo friends. It sounds so simple and yet so difficult at the same time, I know.

Susan Shannon's mom--thinking of you, hoping you are still out there.

It's a busy Monday morning here so I better get back to work....

Jenn

Brianna's momma

[andy88]

Brian's Dad, Loved the barred owls! thank you for sharing the video. I also love your description of our grief as trying to climb a dirt hill.

Robert's Mom, I'm so happy you had such a wonderful day with Kylie.

JD's Mom, hugs

Hello Dee and Kate, good to see your names

With love,

Pam

[mrsduc]

Thank you to everyone that keeps me feeling like I am going to make it thru this nightmare. I know I will never be the same but I almost believe more and more that I will survive not because I have no choice but because I want to. I hope all understand that.

Jenn, I never thought of Kylie looking like me. That makes me feel so good. But I do not remember if I put a picture in of my son but to me he looks alot like some of my brothers and sisters. Now Robert looked like my brother who died at 16. It was so erie and Robert would get so mad when I told him that and showed him the picture but all my sisters that saw pictures and one of my birth sisters met Robert and they looked so much alike it was almost like she could of been his mother instead of me. But that was during the time when Robert had done his hair blonde and so had my sister.

Oh and by the way I have met all my sisters and brothers except for one half brother that none of us can find and our oldest half brother knows but won't tell us. There are 17 of us (and possible more, but two that were half brothers) and 4 died siblings, one being my twin and 11 alive. I met Connie and Cathy before and they are the second set of twins that were born a year after my twin and me. Connie is the one that met Robert. Cathy is the one that really never wanted anything to do with me and now she is willing to give me a chance. So Kim who has helped me with Robert's death because we have become real close over the last 2 or 3 years and she and I have to see each other about every 4 months because we just feel the need. But she went with me to CA for support and to celebrate Robert's life, and since she had been there for me and I knew she had never been anywhere I thought it would be nice to take her and let her see alittle of the US. We had so much fun together and she helped me thru a very difficult day. But she also got to meet my middle son Tom who I always believed that they should meet because I thought they would hit it right off because I felt they had so much in common, and I was right. They would talk and laugh for hours while we were in CA and it did not hurt me it made me happy that Tom finally was getting an extended family since his mom and dad were adopted and that was always hard on all my boys that they did not know anything about their past. But there is a trait that is from either my birth mom or dad side and we think it is our moms that gets past down and sometimes it will skip one person but not another. And it is crooked pinkys or fingers and I looked and Kylie has it slight like I do so she definitely is passing the trait on. When I told Connie because she was the one to remind me to look she was so happy. I just have to laugh. Connie is the one that always trys to teach me to look at the positive side of things. Even when she is having a bad day she tries to see the positive and I wish I could be more like her and I think I have changed alot since she and all of my siblings have come into my life. All the guys are so screwed up that they want nothing to do with anyone. ANd I tried and I refuse to keep trying. My main goal so I would not get disappointed when I started my search was to find out who might I look like and medical. Now they all say that I look so much like our mother it is scary. I remember the first time I met my brother Joe who is 12 years younger than me and he turn a sheet of white and he looks pure Indian and I said whats wrong and he told me he thought I was our mother who had been dead since 1997 and our dad since 1995. And I found my siblings in Sept. 2000 and met them (most) on the 14th of that year. Then the rest around the 20th. I am sad that Robert did not get to know anyone else because I think it might of helped him see that he had family that loved him because of him and not because he was doing something they want. He had a hard time understanding how my sisters could care about him when they never met him. But they did just like i care about my sisters kids even though alot of them I have not met and we are still all learning how to be sisters because we all grew up apart except for Connie and Cathy they were kept together.

Anyway Chris told me after I had asked and he spoke to his wife (which I did not expect him to do right away) that I could come and spend a weekend with them so that I could spend more time with Kylie and also I think it would help him to see the real me and maybe he can remember how much I really loved him. So he told me it would probably be the end of August or closer to September. He said that my husband could come too but he said no because the pups would be here and he did not want our pups in Chris's house with their dogs because of possibly getting fleas or anything else because she and him do not keep there place clean and they do not treat there dogs as well as I do. And both of us are very picky where we will allow our dogs to go. We never take them to a dog park because that is one of the easiest places for them to pick up a deases.

Well have counseling this afternoon and so I guess I will go so I can rest alittle. Thanks to all of you and I hope one day I can give back.

My birth sister Connie who is one year younger than me and met Robert

My birth sister Kim and my only best friend. She has picked me off the floor after Robert's death.

My youngest son Chris with his daughter Kylie

[tobyfreefoot]

double post

[tobyfreefoot]

haven't been here for awhile hope everyone is doing ok. new people i'm sorry you are here but glad you found this group. it has been a life saver for me.

kinda had some bad times lately. ashlie's 21st birthday was the 10th of august. i guess i never had grieved her loss because i was busy grieving forest. it really hit hard. luckily i work in a room by myself so i could lay my head down and sob.

still having issues getting forest's monument made (i helped the artist get a water jet then he discovered the local power wouldn't run it and he needs a 6,000 dollar generator) which breaks my heart because it makes me feel like a bad mom leaving him in an unmarked grave and also i want it done while his friends are still around, before they leave the college town and move on with their lives. it is to be very interactive. i designed it with them in mind, it will be stained glass in the middle and have holes in the acrylic edge for them to tie things, an acrylic box with a journal and holes for lights and flowers. they were such a big part of each others lives. one of his friends had a big birthday bash sat. night. during the party someone posted on fb-- forest we wish you were. here we all miss you.

here are some pictures of leslie's work. i went to high school with him 40 years ago. he lives in the mountains of new mexico, broke and trying to live off his work. that is why i took the insurance money to help him get this expensive piece of equipment he has always wanted because i couldn't help forest with his venture and i thought he would like me to help this guy.

sad my father died before he got to see it. i know it will be worth the efforts but i'm frustrated and anxious

[daveydow1]

Gretchen------Thanks for posting the pics of the lovely designs that you

have created. So kind of you to help the artist in N.Mexico.

Forest's headstone will be beautiful, and one of a kind.

Becky-----I, so, understand your frustration regarding the lack of meaningful

consequences for the driver who caused your JD's death. It is exhausting

and disapppointing to see that the laws seem to be in the favor of the

persons who do wrong, and cause so much heartache. The victim's family

gets the sentences in a lifetime of pain & sorrow. You are working so hard

for justice for JD, and I wish you success with your efforts. Peace to you, friend.

Linda-----Thanks for the pics. Your little grandbaby is just a darling baby girl. I'm

so glad that you have had that time, and hope that things continue to enable

you to spend even more time with her, so that you can be in her life. and she in yours.

Greg-----Thanks for posting the video of the barred owls......amazing photography,

to catch them landing etc. Birds can be difficult subjects.

WISHING COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

busy day, had to go to the doc and all that stuff as school begins in a week. I went to school afterwards and worked in my classroom for about 3 hours. One would think that I would be done by now, but no, I am not. I did get all of my books on the shelves which is a big job as I own many books and have three large book shelves that we have purchased over the years in which to to place them. I have bulletin boards to arrange so that is fun and files to put away. I need to make sure of my materials for the first three days of school as the kids start on the 22nd after our two days of meetings. Lot's to do yet, but with my stereo blasting and my fans on, I will get it done. The weather has been very cool today, (though still hot in my classroom) so I am hoping that we keep the cool weather rather than the 90 and 95 temps we often have in late August. When it is that hot outside, there is no hope for how it feels inside.

I am glad Linda, that you had fun with your little grandie-girl. She is adorable. Sounds like Chris is trying to piece together his life by spending more time with you. I hope that that continues.

Gretchen, the photos are pretty spectacular, you are creating such a lovely tribute piece to your Boy. Your friend is quite an artist, I love the piece he is standing near.

[Susannah]

Hello. It's been a while since I've visited this site, but I feel the need to write, so I am here, now. Stephanie's 3rd angelversary was the 9th (of August).

I finally went through her things this last spring. She took pictures! She had made a book for each of her kids with pictures and notes. She had also made a collage of pictures, on poster board, of each of her kids from newborn until the last time she saw them, before they were stolen and hidden from all of us. On the bottom of the poster board she wrote, "Mommy loves you". What a gift. I framed it and hung it in the hallway where each of her children can see it. Sort of sweet, sort of funny...and, of course, sort of sad, was that Mariah would kneel, in the hallway, facing the collage, hands together...head bowed in prayer and she would pray in front of the picture every night. I discovered this when I was rushing one night, after kissing them goodnight (tucked into their beds) and I rounded the corner quickly, not expecting my granddaughter to be kneeling in prayer in the hallway, and tripped over her. A shock for both of us! Of course I told her she was welcome to continue her prayer vigil if it made her feel better, but explained she could talk to her mommy anytime, anywhere.

Stephanie also journaled! Everything! I am so grateful!

At first I felt guilty for waiting so long to go through her things but, I just wasn't able before then.

After I went through her things I felt a new zest for life. I planted flowers in my flower garden...the first time since she died. I began socializing with friends again. I joked that "I grieved well...the proof is on my behind". I isolated for over two years and gained 35 pounds.

As her third year anniversary approached I felt myself sinking into the mire of grief, again. I returned to my bedroom where I had spent most of the first two years. Needing to get away...knowing I was running...we flew to New Hampshire to be with Amanda. Wanting to surprise the kids, we kept it a secret until we were ready to get in the car. We drove 5 hrs to Denver and caught our flight. They were so excited! They got to fly on an airplane and see the ocean for the first time in their lives.

We drove from New Hampshire to New York to visit Ground Zero. We were not able to hook up with Betty this trip, but it was certainly a wonderful experience.

We did get to visit Carol and Ralph (Mike) at the hospital. Later that afternoon Karen drove up to see us. I can't tell you how much I love them! We spent Jonathon's 8th birthday whale watching. On our way back to shore, we spotted a baby humpback whale. At first the marine biologist thought the baby was playing with us, but soon discovered the baby was in trouble. She had some how been separated from her mother. The biologist assured us the mother would never abandon her baby. The baby was too young and didn't know how to swim and eat efficiently. We stayed with the baby for an extra two hours until help could be summoned to watch the baby. We later learned that the baby was getting the hang of swimming and breathing and was beginning to eat. Their fear was that the baby would drown or starve to death. It was very sad and it was also the experience of a life time for our grandchildren (and us).

We arrived home on the 9th....the day I was hoping to avoid. It is interesting what denial does to and for a person. I had deluded myself into thinking I was fine and was handling things. After snapping at others for a couple of days, I finally went to bed and succumbed to the sadness that had been knocking at my subconsciousness.

This morning, I felt the need to write about it. Three years later and life is better, but my daughter's death continues to be the background noise of my life. It's not always a sad noise. The first two years after she died were spent obsessing about my mistakes as a mother...and, her mistakes as a mother. I wasn't able to look at a picture of her without remembering the chaos and drama of her drug addiction and the horror that went with it. That has not been the case for the last six months, however. For the last six months my memories are more about her joy, her sense of humor, her love and her passions...her talents, her gifts, her laugh.

And, once again, I mistakenly thought I had successfully passed through grief. How quickly I forget.

My heart was shattered the die she died. It is still shattered. The difference is I am learning how to live with a shattered heart. I am no longer asking that I be healed, I am now asking that I be used. In the beginning I was determined that Stephanie's life wouldn't be about the day she died. Now, I'm more determined that my life won't be about the day she died. The day she died changed me forever. I hope for the better.

There have been many events that mark my life's path. My family is no stranger to grief and heartache. My sisters and I have survived untold abuse, foster homes, murder, suicide, death. But, none prepared me for the loss of my child. Her death remains the most painful event of my life, thus far, and it remains the most spiritual. For me, when my heart was ripped open Love was able to come in. God has not healed my shattered heart, He shines through the cracks.

Sending you love, comfort and most of all...hope.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[BrendaDup59]

Hi , well I thought I would show you all the drawing of the cougar I was asked to do , she is very pleased with it. . I had a really bad day yesterday one of the ones where you get up crying and go to bed crying. UGHH , Kaleb starts school on the 21 and I am really not looking forward to the quiet and the 5th grade homework! I have just been out of school to long..lol I am 53 with a 10 year old. well I hope everyone has a good day . Thinking of all of you .

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi , well I thought I would show you all the drawing of the cougar I was asked to do , she is very pleased with it. . I had a really bad day yesterday one of the ones where you get up crying and go to bed crying. UGHH , Kaleb starts school on the 21 and I am really not looking forward to the quiet and the 5th grade homework! I have just been out of school to long..lol I am 53 with a 10 year old. well I hope everyone has a good day . Thinking of all of you .

Brenda, your drawing is just wonderful! I am so pleased that she is happy with it. Sorry that yesterday was a rough one. Yes, school is just around the corner and more adjusting to the emptiness that the kids leave when they are back at class again. Hope today is a better day. Take care.

Susannah...so good to see you again! I agree with you completely that the three year mark finds our lives have adjusted to the new us. Still hurting but in a more managable way. So glad that you had the opportunity to vist with Carol and Mike. It sounds as if things have been hectic your way. Hope you will post again soon.

Dee...hoping the Doc appt. went fine. My goodness how could summer have passed so quickly? Start taking those vitamins...sounds as if you are going to need them!

Sherry...thinking of you. Take care.

Gretchen...the monument to Forest looks amazing. Just beautiful. I can see a whole lot of love and thought went into planning it.

Woke up to cloud and cool temps today. Hubby home from his business trip and we are off shortly for a long hike. Hope the rain holds off for a few hours. Noticed the leaves are already starting to turn a slightly yellowish tinge. Can't believe it has come to this time already. Managed to pick a ton of apples from the trees. Wish you were all closer. Apple crumble and fruit pies all around. Anyway, take care and have a good day.

Kate

Carol...today being Tuesday...hope that trip home became a reality. Let us know how it goes.

[ericasmom]

Good to see you Susannah, glad to hear the kids are well and that you all had a BIG vacation. How is Amanda?

You are a better girl than I, having gone to see Carol and Ralph (mike) on your trip, I did not get there and we were in Mass. Perhaps another time. Good for you going to see Karen as well. How is she?

So you opened all of Steph's things. How great to find what you did, a treasure trove of her love.

Be well.

Kate, I have no idea how the summer passes this quickly. It just does. I hope you have a great hike.

Brenda, the artwork you created is amazing. I have no doubt that the client loved it. Let your sadness be what it is, it is a part of you now and you will find a way to incorporate it as we do over time. Be kind to yourself.

[Jeff's Mom]

I just returned from a great walk with my husband. Perfect weather for me...ot too hot. However, I had a message from a good friend of mine in the city that she had word last night that her niece who is a pilot for a small airline in BC crashed yesterday. Four people aboard. One is dead and the other three are in critical condition. They have placed her in a coma and she is so badly injured that it would be a blessing if she were to go. Please keep her in your prayers. She is so very young. Thanks.

[BrendaDup59]

I just returned from a great walk with my husband. Perfect weather for me...ot too hot. However, I had a message from a good friend of mine in the city that she had word last night that her niece who is a pilot for a small airline in BC crashed yesterday. Four people aboard. One is dead and the other three are in critical condition. They have placed her in a coma and she is so badly injured that it would be a blessing if she were to go. Please keep her in your prayers. She is so very young. Thanks.

So sorry to read this Kate, I will say a prayer for her.

[Jeff's Mom]

Sending a picture of a stained glass window that I designed after my Mom died. I wanted something special to remember her by. We both loved flowers.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Really beautiful, Kate. So sorry to hear about your friend in the other post. Very sad.

Sending a picture of a stained glass window that I designed after my Mom died. I wanted something special to remember her by. We both loved flowers.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Very nice! I like the eyes!!

Hi , well I thought I would show you all the drawing of the cougar I was asked to do , she is very pleased with it. . I had a really bad day yesterday one of the ones where you get up crying and go to bed crying. UGHH , Kaleb starts school on the 21 and I am really not looking forward to the quiet and the 5th grade homework! I have just been out of school to long..lol I am 53 with a 10 year old. well I hope everyone has a good day . Thinking of all of you .

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Susannah, so very good to see you here! I am glad that some sunshine returns to your life.

It gives me hope, as others have here, that I will feel that way someday. Thanks for posting!! ((Hugs to you)).

Linda, I meant to tell you how much I enjoyed your pictures! Your little grandbaby is so cute!

[Jeff's Mom]

Really beautiful, Kate. So sorry to hear about your friend in the other post. Very sad.

Thanks, Becky. Yes, the poor girl had not being flying for long as a pilot. It is under investigation now. She is not expected to live. Her poor family...the mother has had many things to deal with the last couple of years. Just now when it appeared things were finally beginning to settle down...now this.

[mrsduc]

Kate,

I am so sorry about what is going on with your friend and if you say she is as bad as she is then I will pray for God to take her but to also give the family strength to get thru all that they will endure. It is so sad no matter what the situation is to loose a child or anyone you love.

[mrsduc]

Well things are not going good in counseling at all and the counselor has decided that my husband needs to not come that I need to come in by myself and to try and deal with not only Robert's death but other things in my past so that I can be open to making my marriage the best that it can be. I want that too since I know both of us love each other so much. I just do not like someone trying to change me or tell me what I am when I'm not or try to change me all together for because of all the abuse from my past I refuse to allow anyone to control me ever again and to me that is control. I will have a hard time so please pray for me to learn what I need to learn and except and be open to change, because I want just the best that my marriage can be and not that we ahve had a bad one for the last 23 yrs but I just want to learn some communication skills and compromize that I never learned and to me doing that is loosing control. SO I told the therapist yesterday when she told me she wanted to work with me for awhile I toldher that I would give her a chance but no promises. I know that I am being hard headed and mean but when I feel pushed in the corner I come out fighting and yesterday and last therapy session I felt bullied by both my husband and my therapist and I do not like that at all. SO I have to learn to except things and learn to change to make anything work, so that is what I need alot of prayers on because like I said I am very hard headed and stubborn.

[tobyfreefoot]

Hi , well I thought I would show you all the drawing of the cougar I was asked to do , she is very pleased with it. . I had a really bad day yesterday one of the ones where you get up crying and go to bed crying. UGHH , Kaleb starts school on the 21 and I am really not looking forward to the quiet and the 5th grade homework! I have just been out of school to long..lol I am 53 with a 10 year old. well I hope everyone has a good day . Thinking of all of you .

nice job!!! really looks great!

[tobyfreefoot]

Sending a picture of a stained glass window that I designed after my Mom died. I wanted something special to remember her by. We both loved flowers.

so sorry to hear about your friend's accident. it just seems to be endless ....

your stained glass is beautiful! the piece les is in front of is the door to his studio.

not trying to hog this up but i don't know how else to send this and thought you might find these interesting

[Jeff's Mom]

so sorry to hear about your friend's accident. it just seems to be endless ....

your stained glass is beautiful! the piece les is in front of is the door to his studio.

not trying to hog this up but i don't know how else to send this and thought you might find these interesting

Gretchen, thanks so much for sharing. What an amazing man! I could not believe the detail to the roof of his studio. Where did you say he lives? We have a sort of pocket of artists up in the area where I live. Many live in isolated retreats where they have their studios. Twice a year there is an event called The Wave Tour. Artists open their studios and greet people that are interested in their work. It has become very popular and also good for business. I have always loved stained glass windows. Just the way the light shines through the colours at different times of the day has always delighted me.

My friend is just getting ready to fly to Vancouver to see her sister and niece. I'm afraid it is not good. Prayers are very much appreciated for her to pass quickly and peacefully. Thanks. You can google it by checking small plane crash in BC. Yesterday just outside of Kelowna.

Linda...sorry the visit was not as you had hoped. The initial first few visits are always tense as you beging to become familiar with each other. You are correct in giving it a chance. That's about all you can do for now. Good luck.

Thinking of everyone. Take care.

Kate

[daveydow1]

Brenda-----Your drawing of the cougar is just perfect. You are, indeed, a

talented artist, and easy to see that the lady, whom you made it for, was

so pleased with it. Thanks for posting it.

Kate-----So sorry for your friend's niece, who was the pilot of the plane crash.

I will say prayers for her, her family, and all the others involved in the accident.

Thanks for posting the pic of the lovely stained glass window that you designed

for your mother after she passed on. It is beautiful. Do you have it in a special

place in your home? Also, did you do the stained glass work? I was interested

in doing stained glass at one time, and actually did a small piece, but found it

to be pretty difficult for me to accomplish. I admire artists who do this lovely

media of art. So many good apples......your foods made from them sounds so

good. Nothing like nice fresh apples....to cook and bake in so many recipes.

Gretchen-----Thanks so much for posting the pics of Les, the artist, and his works.

I love seeing an artist who lives to do their art, and accomplish their creations.

Becky-------I, so , agree. I don't think that the deaths of our dear children is part of

God's plan. I believe that God does take our beloved children to heaven, if they couldn't

survive the accident or illness. Although some may say that the persons responsible for killing

someone may not be intentional, and was an accident, it is still a fact that negligence was involved,

in the case of the young woman who hit your son. The driver who killed my son made a

consious decision to get behind the wheel of his big rig, knowing that he did not have

enough sleep to get himself through one local shift run. Someone pays for these foolhardy

and irresponsible decisions. Sadly, --it is people like us....whose child died at another

persons stupid and careless actions.

Dee-----Wow. School starting so soon,....and so much work in the preparation for the first

days. Hoping that the cooler days prevail, so that it will be comfortable for you and your

students. I think that the baby robins are about to fly away from their nest. They are getting

to be too big for the nest now. There are 3 of them. I went to take a pic of them with their

heads sticking up out of the nest, but my memory card was full, and couldn't take the pic.

By the time I get another memory card, I'm sure the babies will have flown away. Will have

to clean the nearby bathroom window.....very messy now after all that building, nesting,

and feeding activity.

Susannah----Good to see your post. Glad that your family is well. Nice that you had a chance

to see Carol and Ralph, and Karen when you were there. Hope Amanda is doing well also.

WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

.

[ericasmom]

Kate, deep prayers for your friend's family, so sorry for the pain they are all in right now.

Your design of stained glass is lovely, the flowers feed my soul too.

Gretchen, the art this man produces is amazing.

Linda, I think you can trust the therapist though I understand that you feel bullied, I am sure it was not her intent. If you felt that she was good for you and husband, then she will likely be good for you alone. You have many issues from your youth and from your early years as a Mom, delving into these with this therapist is one way to find the areas that have never been resolved, maybe even never pulled out to the light of day, and while that can be hard and scary, life is never fully lived when those things stay in the closet.

I wish you good good sessions.

[mrsduc]

Well I know that I need to speak about the past which I have told about my past to any and everyone that wanted to hear. It does not bother me. I have not alot of feelings anymore about it. I just chose to be a different mother than anyone treated me. I was not taught to love but in my head I knew what I wanted and I did that for my boys. I hugged and kissed them and told them all the time that I loved them. I gave them attention and if they wanted me to play with them when they were young I did over cleaning house, for I felt the house could be cleaned when they were asleep. Many a night I stayed up to the way hours in the morning cleaning house and painting so that I could spend the day being completely involved in my boys lives.

But something happened to me today and I realize that it has happened everytime I drive my car. I have not driven my car I think probably May. My husband has driven me everywhere but since therapy yesterday he and I are not speaking to each other. But I was coming home from Kmart and Petsmart and this song came on the radio called "Unbreak My Heart" which just happens to be one of my favorite songs. But the song is about a couple breaking up and all of a sudden it had nothing to do with a couple like my husband and me but I started crying so bad in the car and screaming once again how much I miss you Robert. Here I thought I was doing better and now that. Does this mean I can never drive my car by myself again. I don;t know how to deal with this at all. The pain is so bad all the way into my soul again like it just happened. But I guess that is the way it is going to be for the rest of my life that I must live in this living hell with pain and guilt and nothing anyone says can make myself not believe that I could of saved Robert if only for another day or week, but he would of killed himself eventually, i know that for a fact. I just always get the short end of the stick and it hurts so bad to not have him around.

[BrendaDup59]

Thank you to all who said such nice things about my drawing. so glad I found out 4 years ago I could do this,it sure helps keep my mind and hands busy, that is when I can make myself sit still. Thinking about all of you .

[ericasmom]

Linda, something about being in the car lets you feel the full brunt of your loss, I wonder if it has to do with feeling out of control in a car. Did you learn of your Boy's death while riding in a car? Is there some connection? I am sorry that you and hubby are on the outs right now, I hope that you both straighten that out.

Brenda, you have only been drawing for 4 years?

Sherry, no kidding, so fast the summer travels. I hope that the birds find ways to make their fall and winter nests near you. Today we heard and then saw a small small woodpecker, i guess a downey, but so small. He was in our River-birch.

[mrsduc]

Well I did not find out that Robert had died in my car I was sound asleep early in the morning after I had called his father my ex the night before from not hearing from Robert in over 2 weeks. I just knew that something was wrong. And I did not want to say out loud but I knew way back after acouple of days that he was died because it would not be like him to not answer the phone for me or answer my text. But I kept hoping on hope that if I wait I could be wrong. But the night before I found out that Robert had been laying there dead for 2 weeks and spoke to his father telling him that I knew something was wrong and that I had not heard from him in awhile and I was afraid. The next day when my ex called me early in the morning and then I went over to his house just for the reason that we all got together there to comfort each other and my ex said that he thought the night before that I was crazy and then he said how did you know and I said I just knew. Now it never seems to happen on the way to the store but on the way home. But I refuse to allow myself to stop driving by myself just yet.

And when it comes to my husband and myself we will be fine. He and I have times like this that we just need some space and trying to figure things out by ourselves.

[ericasmom]

Linda, these kinds of events, the fear in the car or the breakdowns in the car are great starting points with your therapist. I wish you well.

Went for a walk with my Daughter-in-law this Am. Got up at 5:30 as I willsoon be doing everyday again when school begins. So we walked, a pretty morning, chance of a shower and it is humid but not hot. I will tutor three girls starting with one at 9:30, 10:30, and then 11:30. My last day of tutoring but I am pretty darn tired, I never sleep well right before school starts, so I am a bit sleepy eyed.

Kate, the prayers continue for your friend's family.

I hope everyone has a good day.

[tantraman8]

Hello. It's been a while since I've visited this site, but I feel the need to write, so I am here, now. Stephanie's 3rd angelversary was the 9th (of August).

I finally went through her things this last spring. She took pictures! She had made a book for each of her kids with pictures and notes. She had also made a collage of pictures, on poster board, of each of her kids from newborn until the last time she saw them, before they were stolen and hidden from all of us. On the bottom of the poster board she wrote, "Mommy loves you". What a gift. I framed it and hung it in the hallway where each of her children can see it. Sort of sweet, sort of funny...and, of course, sort of sad, was that Mariah would kneel, in the hallway, facing the collage, hands together...head bowed in prayer and she would pray in front of the picture every night. I discovered this when I was rushing one night, after kissing them goodnight (tucked into their beds) and I rounded the corner quickly, not expecting my granddaughter to be kneeling in prayer in the hallway, and tripped over her. A shock for both of us! Of course I told her she was welcome to continue her prayer vigil if it made her feel better, but explained she could talk to her mommy anytime, anywhere.

Stephanie also journaled! Everything! I am so grateful!

At first I felt guilty for waiting so long to go through her things but, I just wasn't able before then.

After I went through her things I felt a new zest for life. I planted flowers in my flower garden...the first time since she died. I began socializing with friends again. I joked that "I grieved well...the proof is on my behind". I isolated for over two years and gained 35 pounds.

As her third year anniversary approached I felt myself sinking into the mire of grief, again. I returned to my bedroom where I had spent most of the first two years. Needing to get away...knowing I was running...we flew to New Hampshire to be with Amanda. Wanting to surprise the kids, we kept it a secret until we were ready to get in the car. We drove 5 hrs to Denver and caught our flight. They were so excited! They got to fly on an airplane and see the ocean for the first time in their lives.

We drove from New Hampshire to New York to visit Ground Zero. We were not able to hook up with Betty this trip, but it was certainly a wonderful experience.

We did get to visit Carol and Ralph (Mike) at the hospital. Later that afternoon Karen drove up to see us. I can't tell you how much I love them! We spent Jonathon's 8th birthday whale watching. On our way back to shore, we spotted a baby humpback whale. At first the marine biologist thought the baby was playing with us, but soon discovered the baby was in trouble. She had some how been separated from her mother. The biologist assured us the mother would never abandon her baby. The baby was too young and didn't know how to swim and eat efficiently. We stayed with the baby for an extra two hours until help could be summoned to watch the baby. We later learned that the baby was getting the hang of swimming and breathing and was beginning to eat. Their fear was that the baby would drown or starve to death. It was very sad and it was also the experience of a life time for our grandchildren (and us).

We arrived home on the 9th....the day I was hoping to avoid. It is interesting what denial does to and for a person. I had deluded myself into thinking I was fine and was handling things. After snapping at others for a couple of days, I finally went to bed and succumbed to the sadness that had been knocking at my subconsciousness.

This morning, I felt the need to write about it. Three years later and life is better, but my daughter's death continues to be the background noise of my life. It's not always a sad noise. The first two years after she died were spent obsessing about my mistakes as a mother...and, her mistakes as a mother. I wasn't able to look at a picture of her without remembering the chaos and drama of her drug addiction and the horror that went with it. That has not been the case for the last six months, however. For the last six months my memories are more about her joy, her sense of humor, her love and her passions...her talents, her gifts, her laugh.

And, once again, I mistakenly thought I had successfully passed through grief. How quickly I forget.

My heart was shattered the die she died. It is still shattered. The difference is I am learning how to live with a shattered heart. I am no longer asking that I be healed, I am now asking that I be used. In the beginning I was determined that Stephanie's life wouldn't be about the day she died. Now, I'm more determined that my life won't be about the day she died. The day she died changed me forever. I hope for the better.

There have been many events that mark my life's path. My family is no stranger to grief and heartache. My sisters and I have survived untold abuse, foster homes, murder, suicide, death. But, none prepared me for the loss of my child. Her death remains the most painful event of my life, thus far, and it remains the most spiritual. For me, when my heart was ripped open Love was able to come in. God has not healed my shattered heart, He shines through the cracks.

Sending you love, comfort and most of all...hope.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[tantraman8]

Dear Susannah,

Thank you for writing. My eldest son, Joshua, passed away this April 25th of an accidental overdose. He struggled with his addiction since adolescence, at one point had six years of sobriety, but a recent relapse led to his death. I am heartbroken. It is helpful to read of your three years. I am also 62 and three years feel very heavy at this age. I wonder how I will find the grace and the energy to move through it. I also have three living children and eight grandchildren, all in Ohio. (I'm in Arizona)

Right now, joy is a rare visitor. AND the VOID....the loneliness is HUGE. I can relate to isolating. Not that we "male of the species" are the most social creatures to begin with! I need to eat and go to work. I just wanted to thank you for posting on here. I find that the only ones who REALLY GET it are parents, like myself. And reading your account of the journey helps me feel a little less alone. Close to tears here. Grateful for work. If I didn't need to do it, I might go to bed and not get out. Again, Susannah..thanks.

Blessings,

David

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks to everyone for their prayers regarding my friend's niece. They performed surgery on her last night to treat the life threatening heart issues, etc. she had. They had placed her into a coma and are going to try to bring her out of it today to see if she can breath on her own. I'm afraid the injuries are horrendous. If she does survive she will be in hospital and surgeries for years to come. She is only twenty-six years old. She had only had her pilots license for approximately three years. She had dreamed as a child of becoming a pilot. The others I'm afraid did not make it. Her good girlfriend and boyfriend. The other passenger was an older experienced pilot that helped her when it was a mayday situation. He managed to help her to land the plane without it exploding. The wreckage is unbelievable. Her parents are in shock and coping as best as they can. This is a very close knit Catholic family and I know their faith will sustain them.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks to everyone for their prayers regarding my friend's niece. They performed surgery on her last night to treat the life threatening heart issues, etc. she had. They had placed her into a coma and are going to try to bring her out of it today to see if she can breath on her own. I'm afraid the injuries are horrendous. If she does survive she will be in hospital and surgeries for years to come. She is only twenty-six years old. She had only had her pilots license for approximately three years. She had dreamed as a child of becoming a pilot. The others I'm afraid did not make it. Her good girlfriend and boyfriend. The other passenger was an older experienced pilot that helped her when it was a mayday situation. He managed to help her to land the plane without it exploding. The wreckage is unbelievable. Her parents are in shock and coping as best as they can. This is a very close knit Catholic family and I know their faith will sustain them.

Kate

[tobyfreefoot]

Thanks to everyone for their prayers regarding my friend's niece. They performed surgery on her last night to treat the life threatening heart issues, etc. she had. They had placed her into a coma and are going to try to bring her out of it today to see if she can breath on her own. I'm afraid the injuries are horrendous. If she does survive she will be in hospital and surgeries for years to come. She is only twenty-six years old. She had only had her pilots license for approximately three years. She had dreamed as a child of becoming a pilot. The others I'm afraid did not make it. Her good girlfriend and boyfriend. The other passenger was an older experienced pilot that helped her when it was a mayday situation. He managed to help her to land the plane without it exploding. The wreckage is unbelievable. Her parents are in shock and coping as best as they can. This is a very close knit Catholic family and I know their faith will sustain them.

Kate

i'm so sorry kate. her childhood dream to involve such tragedy is just crushing. so sad for all involved

[daveydow1]

David-----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Joshua. I agree that no one

can understand the pain & sorrow of losing a beloved child unless they have

been on this road themselves. It is so early for you at this point. The pain

confusion, and heartache are so very acute, I know. (I have been on this grief

journey for 9 yrs. after the death of my son, David,---killed by a sleeping driver.)

I have also had an infant daughter, Lisa, who died many years ago. In the early

days, weeks, and months we may find ourselves just stumbling around in our

sorrow and pain. This site can be of help, so much, because everyone here

understands. It has been a lifeline for many of us.....to be able to express our

many feelings and ups & downs days. Please come back to BI.

Dee----Nice that you got a good walk in with Shannon. I , too, have been having

trouble sleeping due to hives. I believe they are from having so many fresh

tomatoes from our garden in my diet recently. I'll have to avoid them and see if the

problem subsides. If not....then off to the Dr, I guess. I hope that you get a nice class

of 3rd graders again this year. Oh----the robin's nest is now abandoned. Too late for me

to snap a pic of the little heads popping out. They have flown away now. (just when I have gotten

a new SD card for my camera). Oh well, there's always next year. I can imagine

that there won't be anymore robins nesting this summer. Probably too late, with

Sept. just around the corner.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[tantraman8]

Davey,

Thanks for your reply concerning my son,Joshua and sharing about your two children. I actually left work today and came home, after being there for only an hour. I just had nothing to give. I'm actually a trauma therapist of sorts and love what I do. But today, I had nothing to give. I sat down to prepare for my patients and just felt overwhelmed. I lost my beloved partner, Catherine in April of 2010. So, I don't have a mate to grieve with..which, perhaps, makes grieving the loss of a child more difficult.

I'm actually surprised I've been able to function, to work. I was off from the day after Josh's death until May 21st. But, some days, I feel like collapsing.... just going to my couch... and lying there. With me being the one to support myself financially, it's not an option. I don't feel like I'm adequately responding to the generosity of your reply. Words, I guess, can't convey...but hopefully, you understand. I'm actually close to crying as I type. Since Josh passed, my whole digestive tract is inflamed and I can't sleep without medication....both firsts for me. I know the only way out of this...is to go through it. But you're SO right...having the love, support, and understanding of others literally feels like a lifeline for me. Right now, most often, it feels like I am moving through life as one large open wound, wearing cement shoes...UGHHH!

[BrendaDup59]

Davey,

Thanks for your reply concerning my son,Joshua and sharing about your two children. I actually left work today and came home, after being there for only an hour. I just had nothing to give. I'm actually a trauma therapist of sorts and love what I do. But today, I had nothing to give. I sat down to prepare for my patients and just felt overwhelmed. I lost my beloved partner, Catherine in April of 2010. So, I don't have a mate to grieve with..which, perhaps, makes grieving the loss of a child more difficult.

I'm actually surprised I've been able to function, to work. I was off from the day after Josh's death until May 21st. But, some days, I feel like collapsing.... just going to my couch... and lying there. With me being the one to support myself financially, it's not an option. I don't feel like I'm adequately responding to the generosity of your reply. Words, I guess, can't convey...but hopefully, you understand. I'm actually close to crying as I type. Since Josh passed, my whole digestive tract is inflamed and I can't sleep without medication....both firsts for me. I know the only way out of this...is to go through it. But you're SO right...having the love, support, and understanding of others literally feels like a lifeline for me. Right now, most often, it feels like I am moving through life as one large open wound, wearing cement shoes...UGHHH!

Hi David,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Joshua.I too lost my 32 year old son Brian on March 17 2012 , ST. Patrick's Day the absolute worse day of my life, I had been out shopping with my mom and got home about 3 pm and my husband and sister met me in the driveway and I was told that my son was gone, he had been killed on his motorcycle while out with his friends, I just lost it, all I could say was I wanted to die! over and over I felt as if my heart had been ripped right out of my body and still feel that way. all of your physical symptoms I am having myself maybe not to the degree you are but if I eat it goes right through me , I take medication to sleep I have always needed that as I have insomnia but I think I take more now then I ever have, for the first 3 months I basically did what I had to do I still have a 10 year old I have to raise so I did what I had to and spent the rest of the day in bed. right before the 4 month mark I decided to get back in to my art (graphite drawing) just so I would stay out of bed, I feel so bad for my 10 year old son Kaleb because I have let the TV and xbox be with him ,I feel like a bad mom for that but I was and still am at times so consumed with grief I cant function. this past Monday was another bad day ,I will read the post here but a lot of times I am just unable to respond, and I am so grateful that everyone on here understands. I keep being told it gets better that the grief wont consume me as much but to be honest I just never see that happening. I miss my son more and more every day.He was a husband and father to 6 children who I know have to see grow up without him. Brian always made me feel special, how many moms get phone call while their son is up in a deer stand while out hunting with his best friend? I would get calls from him all the time.Sadly I have another son 28 who has chosen to basically walk out of my life I have not heard from him since the funeral and he lives 5 minutes from me because he got in to it with my sister... sad I need him more now then ever and nobody can get him to understand that.. I didn't mean to write a book but just know your not alone and we are the only ones that get it ! .. nobody will feel the depth of our grief unless they go through it. Take Care and I hope you start to feel better physically. Brenda

PS I hope you can post some pictures of your son .

[summergirl]

Sweet Kate, I am so very sorry....what a terrible thing to happen. I pray for her and her family and it just breaks my heart !!

Susannah - What a writer you are, I was so moved by your words. I am so happy you got to go on the trip but so very sorry that we could not meet up when you were in NY City....what a treat that would have been. Three years....a lifetime and just today....Hugs

David - I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Joshua....you have found a beautiful, wonderful place to be here and talking to those who walk the same path is such a blessing....

Brenda - I know how hard it is to believe that the day will come when you will find your way....The loss of a child is more than anyone should ever have to face as we well know. I too felt that way when I lost my beautiful Jessica, nothing would ever stop the pain, the uncontrollable sobbing, my life was over and I would never smile again, never have a life again....YET, I do, it takes a long time and many steps forward and many potholes along the way but the day will come when you will be able to live again, not the same, never the same but a life filled with wonderful beautiful memories of your son. I have my Jessica's son Tavian who is also 10 years old, we have full custody of him and there are days when I do not know how I do what I do, I am 55 years old raising a 10 year old !! But I also know how blessed I am to look into his eyes and see his mom looking back...we have saved each other many times over. Keep coming here - I have been here 5 years and although I do not come as often as I used to I will never ever leave BI for good.....Hugs

Yesterday at work I went home early, not feeling so great, home about an hour and phone call from Camp that Tavian had hurt his hand playing football and they thought he might need an x-ray....off to the doctor we go and he ended up with his ring finger and pinky fractured so he is in a metal cast for two weeks. I was a mess but held it in (you all know how anxious I get when it comes to Tavian !!!) He is feeling better today and of course Mi-Mi is giving him an extra scoop of ice cream !!! Will post pic

I miss you all and think of you often....soon summer will turn to fall, Tavian will be in the 5th grade (YIKES) and I will start some new projects as winter approaches - you know I am NOT fond of winter. I am working on a butterfly quilt and hope to finish it over the long winter months. Take care my friends and may peace, love and strength always be with you......Kathy - Jessica's Mom Always

[tantraman8]

Hi David,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Joshua.I too lost my 32 year old son Brian on March 17 2012 , ST. Patrick's Day the absolute worse day of my life, I had been out shopping with my mom and got home about 3 pm and my husband and sister met me in the driveway and I was told that my son was gone, he had been killed on his motorcycle while out with his friends, I just lost it, all I could say was I wanted to die! over and over I felt as if my heart had been ripped right out of my body and still feel that way. all of your physical symptoms I am having myself maybe not to the degree you are but if I eat it goes right through me , I take medication to sleep I have always needed that as I have insomnia but I think I take more now then I ever have, for the first 3 months I basically did what I had to do I still have a 10 year old I have to raise so I did what I had to and spent the rest of the day in bed. right before the 4 month mark I decided to get back in to my art (graphite drawing) just so I would stay out of bed, I feel so bad for my 10 year old son Kaleb because I have let the TV and xbox be with him ,I feel like a bad mom for that but I was and still am at times so consumed with grief I cant function. this past Monday was another bad day ,I will read the post here but a lot of times I am just unable to respond, and I am so grateful that everyone on here understands. I keep being told it gets better that the grief wont consume me as much but to be honest I just never see that happening. I miss my son more and more every day.He was a husband and father to 6 children who I know have to see grow up without him. Brian always made me feel special, how many moms get phone call while their son is up in a deer stand while out hunting with his best friend? I would get calls from him all the time.Sadly I have another son 28 who has chosen to basically walk out of my life I have not heard from him since the funeral and he lives 5 minutes from me because he got in to it with my sister... sad I need him more now then ever and nobody can get him to understand that.. I didn't mean to write a book but just know your not alone and we are the only ones that get it ! .. nobody will feel the depth of our grief unless they go through it. Take Care and I hope you start to feel better physically. Brenda

PS I hope you can post some pictures of your son .

[Jeff's Mom]

Sweet Kate, I am so very sorry....what a terrible thing to happen. I pray for her and her family and it just breaks my heart !!

Susannah - What a writer you are, I was so moved by your words. I am so happy you got to go on the trip but so very sorry that we could not meet up when you were in NY City....what a treat that would have been. Three years....a lifetime and just today....Hugs

David - I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Joshua....you have found a beautiful, wonderful place to be here and talking to those who walk the same path is such a blessing....

Brenda - I know how hard it is to believe that the day will come when you will find your way....The loss of a child is more than anyone should ever have to face as we well know. I too felt that way when I lost my beautiful Jessica, nothing would ever stop the pain, the uncontrollable sobbing, my life was over and I would never smile again, never have a life again....YET, I do, it takes a long time and many steps forward and many potholes along the way but the day will come when you will be able to live again, not the same, never the same but a life filled with wonderful beautiful memories of your son. I have my Jessica's son Tavian who is also 10 years old, we have full custody of him and there are days when I do not know how I do what I do, I am 55 years old raising a 10 year old !! But I also know how blessed I am to look into his eyes and see his mom looking back...we have saved each other many times over. Keep coming here - I have been here 5 years and although I do not come as often as I used to I will never ever leave BI for good.....Hugs

Yesterday at work I went home early, not feeling so great, home about an hour and phone call from Camp that Tavian had hurt his hand playing football and they thought he might need an x-ray....off to the doctor we go and he ended up with his ring finger and pinky fractured so he is in a metal cast for two weeks. I was a mess but held it in (you all know how anxious I get when it comes to Tavian !!!) He is feeling better today and of course Mi-Mi is giving him an extra scoop of ice cream !!! Will post pic

I miss you all and think of you often....soon summer will turn to fall, Tavian will be in the 5th grade (YIKES) and I will start some new projects as winter approaches - you know I am NOT fond of winter. I am working on a butterfly quilt and hope to finish it over the long winter months. Take care my friends and may peace, love and strength always be with you......Kathy - Jessica's Mom Always

Kathy...oh my goodness...fractured fingers. School has not started yet! Well, at least he is looking proud to be sporting an awesome blue cast. Hope he heals quickly.

Brenda...I know the days towards the beginning are like a roller coaster ride. One day you think you are doing alright. Then you wake up the next and it hits like a brick wall. Hang in there. Please believe me when I say that it will get better with time.

David...I am also so sorry for your loss of Joshua. I know there is nothing that I can actually say that you are not already aware of. Just know that you can come here to vent and let it all out when it becomes too much to handle. This is a really good group of people. Stay strong my friend. It will soften with time.

Now Sherry...eating too many tomatoes??? And hives? Were they at least good and really tasty? Sorry to hear the robins have left the nest. We noticed the other day that the birds are beginning to flock up here. So it won't be too long before you see them returning back to your part of the woods. Our weather was just horrible today. A huge storm system moving in from Alberta bringing driving rains and cold temps. Tonight the heat will be turned on! It gave me a much needed opportunity to arrange my living room furniture slightly differently. Then decided I liked it better another way and put it all back. I am beat tonight. Just about to put my feet up and have a comforting cup of tea and watch a British Masterpeice.

Thanks again, to all for showing concern for Jenelle. I have heard nothing further at this point. I continue to ask for your prayers. Thinking of you all. Sleep well.

Kate

[BrendaDup59]

Sweet Kate, I am so very sorry....what a terrible thing to happen. I pray for her and her family and it just breaks my heart !!

Susannah - What a writer you are, I was so moved by your words. I am so happy you got to go on the trip but so very sorry that we could not meet up when you were in NY City....what a treat that would have been. Three years....a lifetime and just today....Hugs

David - I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Joshua....you have found a beautiful, wonderful place to be here and talking to those who walk the same path is such a blessing....

Brenda - I know how hard it is to believe that the day will come when you will find your way....The loss of a child is more than anyone should ever have to face as we well know. I too felt that way when I lost my beautiful Jessica, nothing would ever stop the pain, the uncontrollable sobbing, my life was over and I would never smile again, never have a life again....YET, I do, it takes a long time and many steps forward and many potholes along the way but the day will come when you will be able to live again, not the same, never the same but a life filled with wonderful beautiful memories of your son. I have my Jessica's son Tavian who is also 10 years old, we have full custody of him and there are days when I do not know how I do what I do, I am 55 years old raising a 10 year old !! But I also know how blessed I am to look into his eyes and see his mom looking back...we have saved each other many times over. Keep coming here - I have been here 5 years and although I do not come as often as I used to I will never ever leave BI for good.....Hugs

Yesterday at work I went home early, not feeling so great, home about an hour and phone call from Camp that Tavian had hurt his hand playing football and they thought he might need an x-ray....off to the doctor we go and he ended up with his ring finger and pinky fractured so he is in a metal cast for two weeks. I was a mess but held it in (you all know how anxious I get when it comes to Tavian !!!) He is feeling better today and of course Mi-Mi is giving him an extra scoop of ice cream !!! Will post pic

I miss you all and think of you often....soon summer will turn to fall, Tavian will be in the 5th grade (YIKES) and I will start some new projects as winter approaches - you know I am NOT fond of winter. I am working on a butterfly quilt and hope to finish it over the long winter months. Take care my friends and may peace, love and strength always be with you......Kathy - Jessica's Mom Always

Kathy Thank you for what you wrote,I sure hope the pain lessens. Kaleb was our surprise I had him when I was 43 so I am now 53 raising a 10 year old, with special needs .. he was diagnosed with mild autism very mild he seems more like a kid with severe ADHD and I have had a rough road with him but I would not change a thing except his disabilities, only because life is going to be so hard for him , he is Brian's twin 23 years apart and each had a different father my older sons are from my first marriage of 20 years that ended in 97 and I met and married Mike in 2000. and we were blessed with our Kaleb ,I believe God gave him to me because he knew I would need him Kaleb not only looks like his brother but acts like him too. Brian was crazy about him loved him as much as his own kids he would tell me "mom you don't ever have to worry about Kaleb if something happens to you and Mike I will take care of him . Kaleb is just now really processing the loss of Brian and it breaks my heart . I have read your post about your grandson and I think you both are so lucky to have each other. Take Care Brenda

[BrendaDup59]

Thanks to everyone for their prayers regarding my friend's niece. They performed surgery on her last night to treat the life threatening heart issues, etc. she had. They had placed her into a coma and are going to try to bring her out of it today to see if she can breath on her own. I'm afraid the injuries are horrendous. If she does survive she will be in hospital and surgeries for years to come. She is only twenty-six years old. She had only had her pilots license for approximately three years. She had dreamed as a child of becoming a pilot. The others I'm afraid did not make it. Her good girlfriend and boyfriend. The other passenger was an older experienced pilot that helped her when it was a mayday situation. He managed to help her to land the plane without it exploding. The wreckage is unbelievable. Her parents are in shock and coping as best as they can. This is a very close knit Catholic family and I know their faith will sustain them.

Kate

Kate , I am so sorry to read the news of your friends niece, so sad. I am glad they have their faith to lean on . my sister's best friend of 30+ years father passed last week ,just seems like there is so much sadness . I will say a prayer for your friend and her niece . Take Care Brenda

[tantraman8]

Dear Brenda,

OMG, thank you for posting. One of the ways you helped me was the reality check around my physical conditions. I know these physical responses make sense in terms of our trauma, but THIS is unlike anything I've ever gone through before. I don't know what's normal, and sometimes that's scary....and, like you, sometimes I have a difficult time being compassionate with myself.

The other thing was your talking about Brian calling you (even from a deer stand). Josh was my most faithful caller (of my four children). My head knows it's our job to take care of our kids, but Josh's calls touched me deeply in my heart. I actually have an audio file of his last two voice messages to me. A friend recorded them off of my voicemail and made me a wave file. Not being able to call Josh, knowing that there are no more calls from him feels SO SAD, indescribably sad, and you, and people on here GET it.

I'm guessing Kaleb knows how sad you are. And, not being able to be there, the way you'd like has to be incredibly painful. Outside of work, I find I have little to give others. One thing I do with my adult daughters, is send them some fresh roasted coffee from a place in Bisbee, Arizona where the owner imports them from free trade farms. Very few things bring me joy right now. Whenever, I'm able to give to those I love, even in the form of coffee, it's a small ray of sunshine. I'm going to try to post some Josh pics. I AM technologically challenged!!

Thanks again for writing. We are close to the same place on this healing journey. I wish our losses hadn't happened, and I am grateful for your presence on my journey.

Sending tenderness,

file://localhost/Users/davidkerr/Downloads/Josh_0001.jpg

David

[ericasmom]

David, like Sherry, my child, Erica, died nine years ago. THere is nothing easy or kind about mourning the loss of your Child. Finding brief moments that make you feel a smile in your heart is a great thing, so sending something to your daughters that you know they will like is a great way to tap into that 'DAD' piece of you. Sometimes it is like making sure you are still somewhat that same person. We change a great deal when we lose our Child, and it takes a great deal of time and energy to find a way to feel like daily life is good again. Work also helped me greatly, as did this place. I also began to go to therapy at around the 6 month mark. Exhaustion is normal in this non-normal setting. It takes huge energy to grieve and that is in part why you must keep your physical self in shape. Our immune system gets attacked by the anxiety and pain and pure sadness, so making sure of eating fruits and veggies and some protein each day is important as is getting some time outdoors, just being outside in the natural world where you can hear birds and witness the change in seasons is a BIG reminder that the world is still functioning even if we are not. I know that your seasons don't change as they do here in the mid west, but there are some changes. Anyhow, taking care of your physical self will go a long way to helping you strengthen your emotional and spiritual self. All of our systems connected.

I wish you some good sleep, though I do know how elusive that that can be and so on nights when sleep won't be your friend, can you read a book until your eyes are too tired to stay awake? I find that I must have someone else's story to dive into each night before bed and if I wake in the night. I wish you well, keep coming here and letting us know about Josh, and his Sisters. I am also truly sorry that you lost your partner not too long ago. Feel free if you are able, to tell us about her as well.

Kathy, OW on those fingers of Tavians. Give him a little hug from me.