Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Leah-----So good to hear from you....I have been wondering how you are doing. 

My,..... sweet Angel JaBoa's Angel Day recently.....13 years now. Thirteen years

in Heaven.  I am glad to hear that you are holding your own with health....that's

good.  And kids grow up so quickly.....your son is 16 ?,....   and, your granddaughter

graduating high school in the spring.  Wow,   time sure does go by.   I agree, that

JaBoa and all our Angels will be with us until we meet them again.   Peace to you, friend.

 

Masonsmom,-----   I, so, know what you mean about finding Mason's boots, and all the

memories that go with them. My son, David, also had a time where he had to admit defeat,

after losing a good paying job when the place closed, and not being able to get another 

one that was on that level.  He moved in with his dad and I so he could get back on his

feet and get adjusted to making less money.   You loved your son, Mason so much, and

he is always with you because he is in your heart.  We will see our angels again.

 

Roz----Yes, kids, babies,  and pets are a comfort to the grieving heart.  In earlier times 

on this journey,  we seem to do a lot of 'pretending', in order to get to the next hour, and

the next day etc.  It's how we manage to go on, I guess, I so understand how you get 

comfort from putting your son's shirt around you. I have done the same thing too. Grief

is exhausting, and it takes so much out of a person.....we take comfort in whatever way

we find it. Everyone must deal with it in their own way.....no right way, or wrong way....

just the grieving person's way.   Peace to you.

 

My sweet Baby  Lisa's  Angel day is Today......Be happy  in Heaven,  my little Angel.

 

WISHING    PEACE  AND   COMFORT   TO ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

[NiquesMom]

Sweet Lisa,  happy heavenly birthday,  send love and signs to your mama. 

Masons mom: I have all my daughters clothes and all her belongings in boxes next to my bed.  She was so ready to be an adult,  and it makes me so sad that I never got to see her become independent. 

I worked up the courage to go through my daughters clothes (I have them in 2 bins). I pulled out clothes that I can wear (she and I would trade clothes,  I always gave her my old ones, half of them are originally my items!). I have started the washing machine and am going to try and see if I can wear them without bursting into tears.  Not ready to get rid if any of them but this was a big step.  I didn't bawl the whole time,  cried a time or two and just tried to remember my daughter wearing the items as I looked at them.  

Was going to decorate for Christmas today but I think this took all my energy. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Sherry, I hope yesterday wasn't to difficult. 

Speaking of clothing,  I know the clothes I wore the day we got the call and Mason was unresponsive and what I wore to his visitation and funeral. I have not worn the visitation or funeral clothes again,  they are to much of a reminder.  I haven't heardanyone else say or talk about something that may seem so trivial. 

ROz, understandable that this month is difficult. -the day comes and goes for others but it is tattooed on our hearts as the day our world shifted and we lost a piece of our hearts. 

My youngest daughter turned 19 yesterday.  She is so excited about Christmas she has been singing Christmas songs and can't wait to decorate.  I can't deny her happiness but I don't think I will ever celebrate Christmas again, I put on a smile and hide the tears for her and my other daughter but it is one of the worst days of the year for me. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in the United States. Not a day I am looking forward to,  as my son won't be at the table.  Maddie has to work and Morgan will be with her in-laws. Tim's family expects us and I will be bringing some side dishes. Everyone is expected to share what we are Thankful for, sounds easy enough but I  struggle. Yes there have been some big events this year,  graduation,  wedding,  successful memorial tournament and first scholarships awarded in Mason’s honor. Every day big event or not is a painful reminder that Mason is not here with us. I went to the cemetary on my way home this evening in the dark, I would never have considered that in the past but I  feel I have to go. I replaced the  batteries in the lantern Maddie placed on his grave on his birthday. Pretty rough day.

ROz, I know Mason would be upset with me too. I try to remember this and will put on a false front tomorrow and move forward one hour at a time. 

For those of you here in the United States,  I hope you are surrounded by loved ones that will lift you up and that your day is not to painful. 

[Changed]

Mason’s mom and all of you here,  I hope your thanksgiving day goes easier than you expect it too .   Please try to be gentle with yourselves emotionally- it’s not easy , I know, as our heads are so full of who we have lost .  Kindest thoughts , Roz

[NiquesMom]

This is my second thanksgiving without nique.  Doing better than last year.  Cried yesterday but haven't cried today yet.  Watching the Macy's parade and talking about the balloons nique would have liked.  Staying at home with my husband and son,  thought about a restaurant but really don't want to be around people so will hide inside and eat and watch movies with the boys. 

Peace to all this holiday season,  hope I don't always feel so blah about it. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Anotherholiday weekend coming to an end.  I had mentioned how I was dreading it so much.nicer had a real break down on Wednesday night,  the kind takes your breath.  I cried most of the evening and in bed.

A few mothers who lost their children have told me they experienced some unexplained things.  On Thanksgiving my phone rang after dinner,  it was in my purse.  When I got it out and checked I had no missed calls, and about an hour later the desserts were set up in my sister in laws sun room. The room was empty and a butter knife fell on the floor.  I believe Mason was telling us,  I am HERE with you.

[Changed]

Mason’s mom,   What an amazing thing for you to experience- I hope that it gave you comfort. Roz

[daveydow1]

HELLO   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Roz-------Thank you for your kind words for Lisa's Angel day.  It's still hard after all these

years, but somehow 'softer'.   My husband and I kept our tradition to visit her grave and place flowers. Hard to

understand why one so young had to go so early in her little life, but I know she's in Heaven.

David.....Angel  in  Heaven.....smile down and warm your dear mama's heart and fill her

with sweet memories.

Roz,------I'm sorry I missed David's Angel Day.  I pray you were able to find some peace

though, through tears,...  I know.  Peace to you.

 

Virginia------Also,  thank you  for your message for Lisa's Angel day.   Yes, it is a big step

that you have taken in getting out Nique's clothes, and possibly wearing them.  You will feel

a special closeness when you have one of her garments on.....one that she had worn.  I

have a large tote of my David's clothes, and should get to sorting them out too.  I still have

a few of Lisa's little clothes and 3 or 4 of her toys.  I've moved multiple times since she died,

but have always brought the small box with me.

 

Masonsmom----Thanks for your words for Lisa's angel Day. -I agree,....it is bittersweet to see our other children and relatives being 

excited about the Christmas season.  We are half here in the present, and  back

in those days 'before'  our darlings left this world too soon.  This can be so difficult, especially

when there are the special days that they should be sitting with us at the holiday meals.  We

keep taking another step forward, ever so hesitantly, and think of those memories that are ours

to keep forever.  No one can take them away from us. They are ours forever, until we meet 

our Angels again.   

WISHING  PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

Daveyand Lisasmom,   sherry    

  

 

[Brendan's Dad]

Hello friends.  It has been quite a while since I checked in here.  Yesterday was nine years since losing Brendan.  I am not a writer and have never written a poem, but yesterday I sat down and just wrote.  Who better to share with than those who understand.  

To My Brendan,

Today marks nine years, 3,285 days of tears

It feels like just yesterday that you were 7 years

Time heals all wounds, or that’s what they say

But this wound is different, this one will stay

I fear every day that my memories will fade

After all its been nine years since any were made

I stare at pictures of your last days

And try to remember the voices you made

I beat myself up and ask myself why,

I should have been there Brendan, this I can’t deny

As your dad it was my job to protect and keep safe

But I feel like I failed since you live in a new place

Sometimes I wonder of our reunion year

Knowing that day will come without any fear

My promise to you is to do my best

To live and to love until my time to rest

Brendan my son I miss you so much

I would give anything for one final touch

I hope and pray that I still make you proud

But, since you left it has just been so hard

Your smell, your voice your loving touch

This, all of this I just miss so much

I wonder each day what might have been

If only God’s plan was altered back then

Nine years and counting I miss you each day

Now I need God to show me the way

 

Daddy Loves you Brendan Anthony Dobson

[Mason’s Mom]

Brendan's Dad, thanks for sharing the poem. Your words express so many of the feelings I have on a daily basis.  Thinking I will forget the smallest details of my son are so painful.  The line about time heals is so true,  I cannot imagine a hour or day that my heart doesn't feel a sadness.

Just 12 more days until the dreaded angel date....

Sherry, always good to read your words of encouragement.  Thanks. 

 

Carol

[Changed]

Brendan’s Dad    It is such a cruel sadness filling all our hearts when we grieve for our children and your  poem speaks volumes to the worries and pain that many here share.    Your love for Brendan shines through .  Kindest thoughts to you , Roz

[daveydow1]

 

HELLO   TO  EVERYONE.

 

Brendansdad-------So good to see your post. Though it has been quite some time, I do remember you, and your

dear little boy, Brendan.   Thank you for the lovely poem that you wrote.  It is a beautiful

and heartfelt tribute to your sweet Angel. 

 

Masonsmom----Thinking of you as your son, Mason's, Angel day approaches. The days

and times leading up to the date can be so sad and lonely.......I know.  Hoping that some of your

memory treasures will help you.  These memories, and pictures, that we have of our dear darlings

are all that we have anymore since our Angels left too soon,  but they are our memories to 

hold close and cherish.  No one can take them from us.  Wishing you peace and comfort, friend. 

 

Leah----Hope that you are feeling better.  This flu season is upon us, and so far I have not had

it catch up to me, thank God.  But, of course, we have a few months to go. I have seen on the news

that your area has had some pretty bad weather.  Sending prayers 

for you and your family. May your memories of sweet little JaBoa warm your heart as the Christmas

season is upon us now.   I am not ready......have done no decorating yet.  Not sure how much of it

I will do this year.   Take care, my friend.

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

[Changed]

Mason’s mom and Virginia,   I was thinking of you both across the miles - this will be a tough couple of weeks for you both , I know.     Take any joy where you find it without guilt just as your lovely children would want you to.    
I was outside the hyper market today and the Salvation Army brass band was playing - I felt fine and was well in control - but for some reason ( just as I made a donation) I completely lost my composure.   I started to big cry - not just an eye wipe - I tried to get myself into a hiding place behind the trolley bay until I could sort myself out.  A lady came up to see if she could get me a cup of tea - I must have looked a sight.    Anyway,  I had to make a real effort not to think too deeply or dwell as I did my shopping but it was tricky and my emotions have been too close to the surface all day since then.   It makes me feel unsafe - life has changed so much in just about every way - I don’t recognise myself.

Take care everyone  ,    Roz

 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Sherry and ROz, today marks 2 years since I last saw Mason and got that last hug and the chance to tell him I love you.  The weather is nasty today and it is hard to not sink deeper into dark Ness.

 ROz, those moments and breakdowns come so unexpected sometimes.  Sweet to hear someone offered tea. Have a good cry if you want,  nothing wrong with that. 

Virginia,  I think about you as well. Hoping this holiday season isn't to difficult. 

[NiquesMom]

Although the holiday seasons sucks, I will say it is significantly less sucky than it was last year.  Two years ago today we celebrated Christmas with both the kids (since we were going to be out of town for Christmas). They are the last photos I have of my daughter, and she looks terrible!  Didn't brush her hair, still in pajamas, hahahaha. She was so excited for Christmas because she had been shopping for all of us (she had just gotten her first job in august).  I remember she and I bought each other the same candies, and the same video game for the family. After we finished opening gifts, she laid back down and i bent over and snuggled her, eskimo kiss her nose and told her how much I loved her. God, I miss her so much! I was crying on the way into work today.  But overall, I know I am in a better place in my head and heart than I was last year. We are driving to AZ for Christmas and that's going to be tough. All our family is there, and that's where Nique grew up, everything reminds me of her

 

I pray for peace for all of us, this is not fair but it is what it is. I am trying to keep moving forward, and though I may not post on here often, I think of all of you. Thank you for remembering us, my brain is not so good at remembering tings anymore.

 

Love to all,

Virginia

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, sometimes we have to open our hearts and eyes to those little nudges from our children. I think you are right some people would not be receptive to such talk. Cherish the little gifts. My name is Carol, I rarely sign my name on my post. 

Virginia,  so glad to hear things are getting better. 

Tomorrow is the dreaded day,  not going to work as every time I had to type the date I would lose control and I don’t think I could concentrate.  I am blessed to have a job that allows me to take the time needed. I don't want to be around anyone other than close family. 

Peace and comfort to all.

Carol 

[Changed]

Carol,  thinking of you and understanding .    Roz x

[daveydow1]

Hello  to   all  INDIGOS

 

REMEMBERING  MASON......ANGEL  IN  HEAVEN.

Masonsmom-----thinking of you today, and hoping that it will not be

too rough.  I know that your love for Mason is so strong that there

will be tears and sadness.  Praying that his love will shine through

the clouds of sorrow for you, and bring some warmth to your heart.

He is always with you because the love is there forever, until you meet again.

Peace to you , friend.

 

Roz-------Yes!  A little gift from your sweet David.  These signs that we get,

come as they may,  but often out of the blue.  Always a surprise, and

always with the feeling of love, and the connection that can't be broken. 

 

WISHING    PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry

 

[NiquesMom]

Carol, I send all my love and strength to you today

[Changed]

How are you all coping?   It’s very quiet here so I’m hoping that everyone is getting on with what they have to do at this time of year and managing as best they can .     It’s tough going isn’t it?    
I want to wish you all a very gentle Christmas and a kind 2020 .   Love, Roz

[NiquesMom]

I have passed the 2 year mark.  It was quiet.  I think my friends and family either forgot or thought if they say nothing it is better.  I cried myself to sleep.  Just continuing with visiting family on our vacation. 

Peace to all. 

[Mason’s Mom]

On 12/22/2019 at 1:38 PM, Changed said:

How are you all coping?   It’s very quiet here so I’m hoping that everyone is getting on with what they have to do at this time of year and managing as best they can .     It’s tough going isn’t it?    
I want to wish you all a very gentle Christmas and a kind 2020 .   Love, Roz

Virginia,  sorry I missed your  Niques angel date. 

ROz, staying as busy as possible.  Maddie starts college on January 6th, so I want to spend every minute I can with her.

Pasting on a smile for them. 

Bless each if you and your memories.  That is our duty now as a parent take care of their memories as we can no longer take care of them.

Merry Christmas, 

Carol 

[Mason’s Mom]

Christmas has come and gone again without our loved ones at our celebrations. Christmas day was particularly hard, Maddie worked and Morgan spent the day with her new in-laws. I spent time at the cemetery and cried harder than I had in months.  I cry often but on Christmas I just couldn't get it under control. Starting on year 3 and it really sinks in, this pain isn't going away.  There are days and hours without breaking down but it hits again the pain is intense.  There is always a sadness just below the surface. 

I hope you guys are getting along better than I right now.

[daveydow1]

HELLO   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

NIQUE.........ANGEL    IN     HEAVEN......ALWAYS   AN  ANGEL

.

Virginia-----I wasn't on here before Christmas,  but still want to

remember dear sweet Nigue.   Two years is a very difficult place

on the  grieving journey.  Many people have expressed this.  Somehow,

we just keep on going on, though mostly wonder how we can.  Peace

to you,

 

Masonsmom,-----Also the two-year mark for you on this unwanted journey.

Yes, the holiday celebrations are always sad without our dear angels. I, too,

visited the cemetery to go to David's grave,  baby Lisa's grave, and others,

including my parents.  I pray that your Mason's dear spirit shines on you

and brings some comfort to your heart.  Our Angels are capable of giving

us signs......amazing signs......that many other people don't understand....

but WE understand and receive them with everlasting love for our darlings.

 

Roz,----As one who has been on this rough journey for quite awhile,.....I

can tell you that in time,  the pain does get softer, and the memories become,

in themselves,.....more of a comfort.  Of course, this is not the case in the

'early'  times on this grief road.  There is no set dates or times on the road....

mile markers.....that the grieving parent needs to go by.  Everyone is different,

and must go along at their own progress...however much that will be.  Others,

who have not had this loss of a child can't get why we can't just "move on", or

"get past it".   They cannot understand, unless they, too, have had such a

devastating loss.  But we cannot be on anyone else's idea of a certain time or

place on this journey.  It is a very individual experience.  Being kind to yourself,

and knowing that the baby steps taken are still steps taken.   Peace to you.   

 

WISHING  PEACE  AND  COMFORT  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry

[NiquesMom]

Hello all, 

Made it through Christmas.  Hardest part was seeing all the new babies,  I was so jealous of these people who can just keep having children when it has been a struggle for me.  

We saw all of our relatives,  kyle had no idea he had so many cousins in Arizona.  Our road trip took us through 7 states and over 4300 miles.  We would talk of what nique would like or not like,  and there weren't too many tears. 

Last night,  Kyle started looking through my photo albums and ended up crying for an hour about how it's not fair his sister isn't here. It's all 2 steps forward and 1 step back. 

We are still waiting for our approved home study in the hopes of adopting an older brother for Kyle.  This time has allowed us to make sure we are all in the right head space. 

I know I don't cry like I used to,  but I miss nique everyday.  Everything I do,  I wonder if nique would like it or not. I hope year 3 smooths the jagged parts left in my heart.  The hole will always be there,  but maybe it won't feel as broken most days. 

I hope the new year is peaceful and soothing for all of us. 

Hugs to all. 

[daveydow1]

Hello   to   all  Indigos.  Well, we've made it through another holiday season......

always a bittersweet time.  Good to be with our loved ones, and sad to be

without our darlings who left this world too soon. But, somehow we keep

going on. Maybe a little stronger with each season.

 

Virginia-----I wish you the best of luck and success in adopting.  You 

have been on this grief road, and your son, Kyle;  and sweet Nique,

in heaven,  has been right with you. Yours will be a good and loving home for another child.

 

Roz-------Yes,...our Davids would be the same age. I like to think that they

are friends in the heavenly place where they are now........smiling down on

us, to reassure us that they are ok.   All our angels are ok, and happy.

 

PEACE   TO   ALL  .

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

[Mason’s Mom]

Moved Maddie into her dorm yesterday. Now trying to figure out yet another new normal life. First time Tim and I have been alone in 27 years. So proud of my girls for moving on but not the way I envisioned my life.

[Changed]

Carol , that feeling of life not being as we thought it would be seems to always be there - but there it is.     

As you say  we have to find our new normal now.     Peace to you all. Roz
 

[daveydow1]

HELLO  ALL INDIGOS

I hope that everyone has come into the new year with a bit of hope

in the heart.  It is very difficult, I know.  It marks a beginning of a new 

year, and we envision getting a bit stronger.  But, there is the old

sadness holding in our hearts,.......and we know it will be a part of our

hearts always.  Our angels would want us to carry on, we know.  I pray

that each one here on this site will somehow find some strength to take

more small steps forward on this journey.   Peace  and comfort to all. 

 

Masonsmom----Yes, I imagine it is very bittersweet to have your girls move

out on their own.  I, too, remember when my  youngest daughter moved out

to work and be on her own.....living with a girlfriend.  The house seemed so

empty etc.   Of course, we do recover from this event, but it is another

milestone in our lives that will bring a tear.   Hoping that you will adjust

in due time.  Just take it day-to-day, slowly........give yourself time.

 

Roz----Yes, I agree.  None of us ever would imagine being on this road,

but here we are.  We become like soldiers.....just trooping along as best we

are able.  We do find times to smile and grab a little joy, ....but as you say.....

this is the road we're on.   Wishing you peace.

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND  TRANQUILITY   TO  ALL   INDIGOS

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry 

[Mason’s Mom]

Just checking in,  thinking about many of you and hoping all is well. Nasty weather in our area makes for long dreary days.

[NiquesMom]

Haven't been on in a while.  Hope everyone doing OK. 

We made an offer on a house,  supposed to close end of March if everything goes well. I have decided once we buy a house,  I want to plant a cherry blossom tree,  it was nique favorite. 

Kyle would have to change schools,  so I have made an appointment with his therapist,  to make sure he has the tools to handle all the changes. He hopes once we move we will be able to find a brother for him. 

This week we were at the dentist and they asked how many siblings he has in the home.  I said none and Kyle just looked at me,  and told me to tell the dentist about his sister.  It was such a big step for him to tell a complete stranger about his sister. 

Always missing my daughter,  feeling broken today,  but we will keep going forward. 

[Devianz]

Roz, 

It's a pretty dark place to be in and can seem like there is no way out and no light, but I am here to tell you that there is. You will never forget, and your heart will always be endlessly broken, but as you venture out more and meet new people it begins to thread a new blanket for you to start to warm yourself.  You will begin to find a purpose for your grief, whether that's helping others or being closer to your family and friends and it will bring you to tears every time. 

My suggestion, and what really worked for me was to start a gratitude list. Start small with one or two things on it each day.  And it's okay if there are sad things, and grief things too.  I think my first things on my list were; 

I am thankful that I heard your annoying laugh for 20 years and that I miss it every day. 
I am thankful that I had you, and that you touched so many other people

It's really hard, but there is hope among the cloudy and stormy nights. It starts with really small things and grows slowly.  I think of my grieving process like a garden. It's all crappy soil where you feel like nothing can grow and then you start to see weeds popping up after all your tears.  Some of them you will pull out, but some of them actually grow beautiful flowers after a bit of time and you grow to love the weeds and admire seeing them.  So you plant things like happy thoughts, and grow them besides the weeds and little by little, day by day the world will start to become more colourful from the grey where we live in grief.  Some days we ignore the garden and some days we don't even want to look at it, and that's okay.  it will continue to grow and eventually you'll be out in the full sunlight with all the memories around you, happy and sad and it will feel good. It takes time, and anyone who thinks you can have a time table or make things grow on your time is just fighting mother nature. We all grieve in different ways, but we can get through it. 

Don't be afraid to ask others for help, and if you don't have a support system in place that is giving you what you need then there are resources.  Great grief counselors and even regular social workers and meeting groups that can help you through this time of great sorrow for you.  Be patient with yourself, and don't be too hard on yourself trying to live up to others expectations of where you should and shouldn't be.  You are enough and you are exactly where you need to be right now.  It will get better. 

I'm sorry I haven't been around as much, I have been been busy trying to repair my marriage and working on my own issues with attachment and anxiety.  I'm a work in progress, but I get a little stronger and a little better each day and when I am not I know that I have other people around to help me. It's so easy to feel isolated and alone in your grief, but that's exactly when you need other people to remind you that while your child is no longer walking this earth, you are still alive and you have a light that should not go out. 

My love to you all. 

Margo

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, I feel like you.  Stuck and I think Everyone is thinking there she goes again.  No real break through just sad , numb and lost. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, those shock waves can be so strong.  My mother in law came out Sunday and I mentioned how this winter had been really hard and she said  "oh I thought you were doing so good ". I told her I have learned to mask the pain and that time wasn't so healing.  She disagreed and said oh but I can see you are better. No one sees the tears and thinks we are back to our old selves. They don't know how I talk to Mason and feel a need to visit his grave,  how a sound, a smell or a glimpse of someone or something brings a tidal wave of pain and sorrow. 

That is why I continue to come here,  I don't feel so alone. 

I read a book a few months after Mason's death that helped and I am going back and reading most of it again. The Unspeakable Loss by Nisha Zinoff. I encourage everyone to read it. There are real stories of parents who lost their children.  I cAn relate to so much. 

Good night,  Carol 

[Devianz]

Roz, 

That's how I felt too, that no one could understand because they didn't have children who died, or even children who died in the same way. For me, I am not a woman of faith/religion and I found that most of the grief groups were very religion/god centered and I had a very hard time relating to others and they had a hard time relating to me.  Part of me resented their ability to trust that their higher power could help them through their grief and I wanted that too, but faith is something I tried really hard to get to but never really got there. The second group I attended was in the city, and was specifically for grieving parents of children who were murdered/killed.  But it was in the inner city, and my experiences and life was not the same experience as theirs and I encountered a lot of anger from other mothers because our plights were apparently not the same.  There was a assumption that I came from a affluent upbringing and shouldn't be there and all of their words felt like pointed swords. I didn't go back. 

It was really hard for me to find a group, and I really didn't find a good one that specialized in grief counseling but because I also began to attend Al-Anon (Adult children/family of alcoholics and addicts) groups, I met a woman there who attended another group that just dealt with adult issues.  I went and the outpouring of caring from that group, many who didn't even have grief was really supportive of what I was going through and they really listened.  It was nice, and somehow easier to talk about my journey with strangers than it was to people who knew me before my son was murdered and those who know me now.

Grief changes us at the core, and we wake up as completely different people with a new landscape to deal with and new challenges to face. Most of the friends I had prior to my son's death couldn't even look or talk to me, and new people were awkward because I never wanted to talk about it or make anyone else uncomfortable. 

But then came the clay studio, and the grace of two women who I am glad to be among my close circle of friends now. One of the ladies is 74, and lost her husband in a tragic car accident at 46.  She gave me so much love and compassion that first night I returned to the studio after having more than a years break, it touched me.  And she's been a lovely light ever since. Another was a lady who has experienced much grief and hardship in her life and was just happy to be there for me and that simple kindness fostered one of the most treasured relationships I have to this day.  There is magic in our sisterhood that I didn't think possible.  I had a horrible upbringing with no good mother/female figures to guide me so my trust in other women never appeared and it was always hard for me to make friends.  I have always kept a very tight circle of friends, almost all of them male. But this sisterhood I've found is just overwhelming and beautiful. 

My son was murdered 3 weeks before his 21st birthday at a time in his life when he was just starting to figure things out and get a foothold on life. It was 3 1/2 years ago but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him or think of him, and the tears still come.  That's natural and expected. Don't feel ashamed of that.  This kind of grief hurts, and there is no shame in taking your time to process through what you need to process through. I'm glad you found some light in my post, and I hope you can carry some of it forward with you.  A lot of the women on this forum did the same for me when I had some of my darkest moments.  I am ever grateful for all of them. Too many to name but really grateful.

Carol, 

It is really hard to get through, and it does certainly come in waves. Don't feel pressured by others to "fix" yourself or "get on with your life" as your life... the one you had with your child... is no longer there.  This is a new thing, and it takes time to figure out where all the pieces fit when you are blinded by tears of grief.  Be forgiving to yourself as you go through it and get things arranged in a way that works for you.  It can take a lot of rearranging, and I know for myself that there were nights where I pulled everything out of all my drawers and shelves and pulled all the furniture to the middle of the room in a fit of rage/grief/fear and sorrow just to put it back together in a different way.  Throw out the things and pieces of advice that don't work for you, since all people experience things differently. At some point, you will start to relax into your new space and being building it out.  But be easy on yourself and be kind to yourself. Take all the time you need, it's your space. 

Sometimes children die in a sudden loss, and a book and workbook that really helped me was 'I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One' by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair PhD.  It is about surviving a sudden unepexected loss, and it's filled with stories and journeys of many people who have experienced the same kind of thing.  The workbook is also super helpful, but I also encourage everyone to find a good counselor that you can talk to.  Grief is so difficult and can be also complicated by other things in your life that make it skew one direction or the other, so getting perspective on how/why you are doing certain things or feeling certain ways can really help.  

Much love to you both.

[Mason’s Mom]

Margo, thanks for responding.  Just trying to figure out who I am and fit the broken pieces back to together not just for myself but for the others in my life. Just really tired, I can't sleep without antidepressants,  over the counter sleep aids and CBD oil.  Even with all this sleep is broken and I feel that I never really relax.  I am afraid I will have nightmares and relive that phone call and the hours and days since. 

How do you learn to relax and not fear the avalanche of pain?

[daveydow1]

Hello  to  All.

Devianz-----Yes, I think that it can be difficult to find a group where one can feel

comfortable with the others there.  As you said, there can be some groups that are 

just a poor fit or even a bad experience....such as the one you faced where others

were angry and seemed judgmental. That is not the way to help someone, and they

exhibited little understanding about the fact that tragedy occurs throughout all

socioeconomic areas.  When a tragedy occurs, and a child is lost......that is felt by

everyone concerned. Also, I agree that groups that are overly simplistic in religion

as a way to cope can be unhelpful at times.....especially the early times on this journey.

Choosing not to return to those group was the best thing to do,

I believe. Religion is a very personal thing....one size does not fit ALL.

 I'm glad that you have found people who are genuinely helpful to you.

After my son, David was killed in a terrible highway crash .......(killed by a big rig where

the driver was sleeping at the wheel ) ......I attended a group formed at a local church. My

daughter asked me to go since it was her church.  We sat there silently while others

told about their grief.  The group was very welcoming and friendly, but I guess that it

was just too soon for us to talk about our loss.  The minister was so kind. 

The grief road is a hard, and sometimes lonely, journey.  Each must proceed

at their individual pace, and  others cannot tell you how to "fix"  your grief problems...although

many are only too anxious to try.   Take the time you need...your own pace...not anyone else's

timeline.   Peace to you.

 

Masonsmom------I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time sleeping.....even with

the things you used to help.  I guess that it happens to everyone who has lost a child.

after these long years since I lost my two children....baby Lisa, and Dave, I am able to get

reasonable sleep time, but sometimes I go into phases where sleep will not come.  Your

point on this sorrowful road is recent.....only over a couple years....and that point can be

so very difficult.  I hope and pray that you can be able to somehow get the rest you need.

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,  sherry

[Mason’s Mom]

Sherry, thanks.  I believe there are times when the thoughts and prayers of others provide the comfort we seek and just can't find on our own.  

[NiquesMom]

Today is my anniversary (14 years), I got Christopher a card and scratchers (he loves those); and this weekend we are taking Kyle on a long weekend to Great Wolf Lodge.  

Cried myself to sleep last night, first time in a long time. Kyle has been having a hard time (been sleeping with us the last 10 days) and I think it is just wearing on me a bit. So many regrets, things I wish I could have done different.

I guess I am just tired of feeling tired. I know most of us probably feel that way, but it is nice to be able to say it here because it just makes my husband and son sad.  

I take kyle to therapy tonight, hope it helps him feel a bit better. Lots of changes coming: made an offer on a house and if it goes though he will need to change schools; he is still convinced we will be able to adopt an older brother for him; lots of things to talk about.

Thanks for listening.

[Mason’s Mom]

Riz, I will certainly give it a try. 

[NiquesMom]

Yesterday was my mothers birthday (she would have been 71 but she died when she was 50).  It was also the anniversary of my brothers death 44 years ago (he was 5 months old and died on her birthday).  I always loved my moms birthday (it was the start of all the birthdays of the year), but now I wonder how in the world she put on a smile that day. I struggle to find myself caring about anything, and yet I remember we would go all out for her.  How many times did she have to give herself a pep talk, or cry herself to sleep afterwards?  How I wish she was here to help me. 

I know it is so much more common to lose a child, then I used to think. We are not guaranteed anything in this life, and yet we are so certain of the way things ought to be.

I have always been good with dates, and it felt like no one remembered my mom or brother yesterday.

I made sure to tell kyle it was his grandmas birthday, and that my brother had died that day as well. That this is an important day.

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  your Mom sound like an amazing person., Roz, I wish I could forget the date of December 17, 2017, it is so difficult to see that date for me....I think it is good that you don't have the last day of November imprinted on your heart.

May each of us find peace and comfort. 

Carol 

[Changed]

Hi everyone, I hope you are all coping with the added worry and misery of the coronavirus situation.    Something the whole world could do without.     When we are already in a troubled , sad state to have this threat to face could overwhelm some.   The fact is, just like our grief,  it’s there and we have to try and deal with it.    We may be too numb to care or too agitated to settle but it is important for us to follow best advise and keep as safe as we can until it all passes.

thinking of you all ,  Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, words of wisdom.  My husband is struggling with the changes in our lives,  his company had to lay off 15 people, people he knows and will struggle.  I have remained calm, I am working from home as is my oldest daughter and our youngest had to clean out her dorm room and come home indefinitely. I told him we faced the worst life can dish out, this will pass. Things may be different moving forward but haven't we all coped with much worse. 

Stay safe everyone. 

Carol 

[daveydow1]

Hello to All  Indigos.

Roz  and  Carol,------I haven't been here for awhile, but think about everyone

as the time goes by, and we carry the heavy loads.  I agree, that we have faced

the worst that life can hand us, and we keep on going.  Now, on top of this---

we have the terrible virus that is everywhere.  I keep praying that somehow, the

scientists can quickly find out the DNA makeup of the virus and then be able to 

get a vaccine and treatment for it.  Our darlings....David, Mason, Niquie,   and

my David and Lisa K--- and each and EVERY one of our Angels are looking down from

above, safe and happy in heaven.

Sending prayers for everyone here at this site for safety and comfort in grief.

PEACE  TO   ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom,....sherry 

[NiquesMom]

Hello all, 

We got the house,  which is great news.  Hoping it will allow us the ability to adopt a brother for Kyle now that we have a permanent home. 

However,  same day my husband was laid off due to the coronavirus (he works at the university and since no students on campus he has no job ). Trying to remain positive.  I know nique will guide us thru this trying time. 

Working from home for the time being,  and my son has no school for a month,  I am supposed to help him learn online while he is home.  There is a reason o am not a teacher or stay at home mom,  but we will make it thru all of this. 

I am praying for all of us,  stay safe and healthy. 

Virginia

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  so glad you got your new home. Kids will go back to school and we will return to work,  I am sure.  I am just glad this didn't happen soon after Mason's death I am not sure I would have survived. I am working from home so that gives me something to think about and it is nice to have Maddie home from college for a while. She was a surprise baby but I  can't imagine life without her. We live in  a very rural area so we are able to go for walks. With spring in the air flowers are blooming,  trees are budding and I can hear frogs in the evening. Helps me to see sunshine and promise of new life. 

Everyone stay safe and love your family our angels would want that.

Carol 

[daveydow1]

Hello  Friends.....Praying the everyone is doing ok.

Virginia,----Such good news that you have gotten your house.  I hope you will

be able to get in and settled soon.  

Roz,----Yes, I guess that no area is really safe from the virus, it seems.  Very scary.

we are under lockdown in our state right now, so no unnecessary going out except

for groceries,  medical appointments, and drugstores.  So, I guess everyone is in

the same boat for now.  Trying to keep myself busy.

Carol,-----I agree,....it would be hard to imagine if we had this virus situation to

follow soon after we lost our Angels.  Too much stress and sorrow mixed together.

Of course, the sorrow, the missing them, is always with us. But, somehow, we

keep on going. We know others depend on us.

PEACE TO ALL

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

 

 

[Windchime]

I don't know how to make it through every day without my son. It seems to be getting harder and harder then easier