Loss of an Adult Child

[Mason’s Mom]

I hope everyone made through Mothers day,  very emotional for sure.  I have the rest of the week off from work to spend time with Maddie and prepare for graduation.  Sunday the school had a beautiful, but painful dedication of Mason’s bench. My hope is that the bench will be a gathering place and that laughter and joy will shared.Mason could fill a room with laughter and his smile could melt your heart. I hope it offers comfort and peace,  have a seat and feel his arms embrace you and know he still has the ability to comfort.

[MiasMommyForever]

Mother's day was so hard..my Mia's angel date is May 25, it will be 2 years and it feels like so much longer. I miss her sooooo much, my heart aches so much more lately. Ive been a mess all month, trying my best to keep it hidden from my husband and 2 young sons because they seem to be doing fine. I just keep going back to old videos thinking how dumb i was not to see that I was going to lose her to the cancer. I wish I wouldn't have been in such denial, wish I could go back and just hold her nonstop that whole last month. I was just trying to still be a mom, wife, daughter and hold everything together being positive for everyone to get through, I wish I would have just only been right beside her the entire last month. I miss my girl, she made me so whole, now I'm just broken pieces of a sad woman who will never be whole again. I miss u Mimi. I wish we could've spent life together, I dreamed of having you since I was a little girl, you were so perfect, everything I ever wanted in a daughter. I miss you Mia

Please keep me in prayer all.. I feel like this year is even worse than last year, which was hell. Thanks for listening..

[Mymy31i]

May 18th was one year. Medically and legally, one year. She wasn't removed from life support until the 21st. It felt weird. My siblings all came for the weekend and everyone kept asking me was I okay. They didn't believe me when I said I was. It's not that I'm okay. I'll never be. It's just that the loss of my daughter is present in every moment, so that day weighed heavily on me, but not any different than every other day does. Does that make sense? 

I'm still hanging onto her ashes. I bought a biodegradable urn so we could do a water burial, but I couldn't go through with it. It's been a year and I know that everyone thought I was going to do it this weekend, but I just couldn't. I worry about stuff that doesn't make sense, like, she'll be alone. I worry that she'll be afraid. I know it all sounds silly, but I do. I even worry that scattering her ashes will be like losing her again. The idea makes me miserable, but at the same time, I know I need to. She would never want to be sitting in an urn in my home. And her baby said, "I never got to say goodbye to my mama Ashleigh." I know that it was a sign that it was a sign because Lei is 4 and doesn't understand all of this, but God, it hurts. 

The trial is now set for the end of the summer. I don't believe it will happen then either. Sitting in a room with my child's murderer is the most exhausting thing ever. He's such a coward. He won't even look in our direction. He sits there next to his lawyer smiling and laughing. What do you have to laugh about? When his lawyer complained because they hadn't received the surveillance video that captured him killing my child, he actually perked up when the DA said that they could view it in a conference room right then. My brother said he acted as if he was watching a highlight reel. How could anyone have such disregard for another's life? How? 

MiasMommy, I saw your message when you first posted and you are in my prayers. I wish I could offer more to you. I really do. 

[peggy a sad mom]

mymy31i i am so sorry you are going through this. it's another thing everybody says oh how could you do it i would have to kill him. no they won't eveyone will just sit there and wait for justice. it could be a long wait but keep us all with you and we will be by your side.he is scum pure scum. we may have to learn to deal with it but we don't have to be nice about. again i am sorry for you we are here

peggy

[Mason’s Mom]

Mymy31i, none of the things you said sounds silly.  We Buried our son with a light.  He was afraid of the dark. If her ashes are a comfort keep them as long as you like. I can't imagine facing the challenges in front of you. The pain of losing a child is unbearable,  you must be an amazing person.  

[NiquesMom]

Mymy: I have my daughters ashes, it has been about a year and a half,  I don't know that I will ever be ready to spread the ashes. I know it is not her,  but it's the last I have.  I have all of her belongings packed in boxes,  have not had the energy to look through it again.  My husband offered to do it for me,  but I said no.  

[Mason’s Mom]

I still have some of Mason’s shirts hanging in the closet.  I did donate a few things and gave a few of his things to other family members. We have to do everything when we feel the time is right and that is different for all of us.

[peggy a sad mom]

yes yes i will keep my son's ashes however i'm not being stupid i know they won't mean much to anyone when i go. my niece already know's when i go i want to be cremated then i want her to mix our ashes together and i don't care where she let's them go just let us be together for eternity.

peggy

[MiasMommyForever]

Well, the 25th came and went. We released balloons at the cemetary like we did last year, my sons were with me all day and my husband was very sweet and supportive. When they're around I dont cry as much, but holding it in gave me a huge headache I had all night. Im alone now, everyone else is asleep, so now I can cry by myself, but it won't bring her back. Two years feels like forever, and still, also feels like it was just yesterday. At least the day is over and another whole year away.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Hi to everyone... I haven’t been here in so long. I’m coming up on my Daughter, Trista’s sixth Angel Day... a friend I met here 6 years ago mentioned how we met here and posted a link so here I am. So many new names and faces. That breaks my heart but makes me glad you’ve found this place that saved me 6 years ago. Dee and Sherry, and Colleen and Laurie and so many others... I’m sure I never thank you enough. I still think of you all so often and of your children. I just had to step back for awhile and focus on my boys. So much love to everyone here. 

[peggy a sad mom]

hi shannons mom my son left me 01/20/18 i too thank god i had the same people on here to help me. it is the hardest thing a parent goes through in life.when i would see someone passed away i would feel so bad for that person. now i'm different i feel for their mom's and the rest of the family. while the pain has eased up some i know i will hurt forever i miss him so much. i used to be afraid of dying but not anymore. i'm living one day at a time and just waiting to see what else life will bring. well i am sorry we are all here. thinking of everyone

peggy

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Hi everyone.  Sorry I haven’t been on in awhile.  Divorce, moving, setting out a new life for myself.  I am coming up to 8 years since  my healthy 17 year old daughter collapsed and died. I hear you all, all the different feelings and places you are at in this never ending grief journey.  

Peggy, I remember when you first came here after your son died. I can hear a little bit of hope in your words.  Certainly more than when you first came on.  It’s good to live one day at a time.  Keep looking forward. Remember when you are driving, you only glance in the rear view mirror once in awhile, but most of the time you are looking forward.  Visit the past once in awhile, but don’t live there.  

Shannon, it’s ok to step back from things sometimes. Sometimes that’s just what we need to do, to give ourselves permission to take time to reflect, take some deep breathes, let a little healing take place.  I think all our angel babies walk beside us. 

Masons mom.  How did the graduation go and how proud you must have been to see an award handed out in your boys memory. Handle every precious one of your sons momentos, take your time, let your heart decide where to find a new home for them.  Keep a few that particularly tug at your heart.  But always remember, your boy was so much more than the physical things he left behind. 

Virgina.  Are you happier and settled in your new life in Florida.  I found the physical move to ease a bit of the grief. How is Kyle.  Hoping he has made new friends, but know he will always be missing his sister.  It must be hot there by now.  Still very cool here in Ontario. U like your new job?  Weren’t you thinking about adoption at one point.    I hope you have had lots more frogs jump in your face, cause you know that’s Nique letting her mama know she’s still by her side.

Margee, you still out there?  How is your health . You came on when Peggy did, and I remember how low you were at times.  Have you been able to find a bit of hope and happiness in your life again?

kristen.  How are you doing. I hope you found your sadness lift just a little as skylars birth/angle date came and went.  

 

Too many others to mention.  But hold on where ever you find yourself in grief, there is hope, and happiness again for you.

 

i will keep coming back here to hold your hands and hearts if you need.  We all belong to this club that nobody wants to be a part of, but we are all in this together. 

 

Lu.......Kira’s mama

 

 

[Somersky]

Everyone have a good weekend

[peggy a sad mom]

lu thank you so much. stay in touch you are right i have come a long way.

somersky i am so so sorry! first of all the age thing i can see that hurting. you will more then likely have even more what if's now. so now that husband of your's well i don't know what to say. it hasn't happened to me yet! at least i don't know about it. as hard as i try to give him more attention it's just so hard. i think it has happened to other people on here so we will let them answer. we are not the same and never will be. i don't care very much about anything any more. can my husband live with this i don't know

please let me know how things are going i will be thinking of you

peggy

[daveydow1]

Shannon-----So glad to see you here.  I haven't been posting a lot lately, but do come

and read.  My,..... your boys must be growing up.   How are you doing these days?

  I remember that you moved to a rural area that you loved, and that you had little

goats that your boys helped take care of.  Time goes by, of course,  but I know

that you will always have sweet Trista in your heart.  We will see our angels again.

 

Somersky-----I'm sorry you are having a rough time.  Yes, I know how it is when your

husband doesn't want to talk.  My husband is the same, and has been, for the past

16 yrs. when our son passed in the terrible highway crash.  It sometimes makes for

a rather lonely existence when there is little conversation about the child that passed.

I have heard from lots of other mothers here at this site that said that their husbands

would prefer to just not talk about it.  The experts say that men may handle grief in different

ways than women. I guess they are right.  Hoping you find peace and comfort in the coming

times.  Your son will always be with you, in your heart. Our angels are never forgotten because

we remember them.....always.

Peggy,  Masonsmom, Virginia, Miasmommy, ..........Wishing you peace and comfort on this difficult journey.

 

PEACE   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

 

 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Thank you, Lu. Yes, it was needed for me. Tris left behind two brothers who really needed me and I felt like it was time to give them my undivided attention. I had been just going through the motions for so long. 

Sherry, We still live on our little farm. We call it the funny farm. I have a roo who prefers to sleep in the pine tree by the house and a guard turkey who sleeps by the porch and has made it his job to watch over Aiden. Sometimes I’m not even sure why we have a barn. I feel Tris so much here! 

The boys are growing. Aiden is 9 years old now! Homeschool is going great. There is an awesome, supportive homeschool community here and he’s made some great friends including one who has become more of a brother. They would live together if we’d let them. Zak is 20 now, going to school for forest management. And I’m a GRANDMA! Miss Lilly Nova Jane was born March 7th. She is just another light of my life. It’s been a journey. Zak brought me home a beautiful Lilly for Trista’s garden to represent her first niece who we just know she watching over and is madly in love with. 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Miss Lilly Nova Jane... Zak wanted to name her after Trista but she already has 3 namesakes with the middle name Mae so he chose Nova because Trista wanted to change her name to Summer Star when she was little and because we had a star named for her and because in the language of the Hopi Indians it’s supposed to mean walks with butterflies. <3

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

One more picture... this is Lilly (right) and Trista Mae (left) I think she favors her Auntie. <3

[peggy a sad mom]

beautiful pictures!

thank you sherry

[MiasMommyForever]

Thank you Sherry, i appreciate you and for thinking of me. I'm doing much better lately, been cleaning like crazy and it helps.

Shannon, she's soooooo pretty! Lilly Nova is such a precious name, chosen with such love and care. She looks almost identical to Trista to me. What a beautiful little awesome gift. Congratulations!

I'm in the hospital after my stomach surgery earlier today and I have my mom with me.  If I were alone I would cry all day and night for my girl, so I'm sooo glad she's here. If I were crying my eyes out it would probably really hurt. Besides, I can talk to all the nurses about my angel and they tell me they like hearing about her and how they can hear the love I have for her. I had to do this surgery because I've been in constant pain for years, I just put myself last when my Mia got cancer.

Thank God surgery went well. I need to be an active mom for my boys,  you know? I hate being hours from them and my hubby for a whole week (hopefully not longer), but I needed this. It's perfect timing since I'm applying for the RN program this summer and I can study a bunch for the TEAS exam while I'm out of order lol. Plus, my room is really high up and I've got an awesome view of the Golden Gate Bridge

I think of everyone here always, and pray for everyone. I hope our hearts are all a little stronger today.  

 

[NiquesMom]

I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. My son, who just turned 6, is starting to grieve my his sister that passed 18 months ago. My son has been crying himself to sleep for the last month. I have started him in therapy again (he went for 6 months right after she passed). Last night he had a complete meltdown, an utter temper tantrum. He screamed and wailed for 30 minutes. When I finally calmed him down, he tells me he worries about me when I leave, that I won't come back. Hurts my heart that he has to worry about death. It's not fair. I am just tired, and hoping this is a turning point for him to start healing.

[Mason’s Mom]

Maddie's graduation was bittersweet.  I Am so proud of her and all she accomplished with all the challenges she faced, she is truly an amazing young woman.  She gave her saluitorian speech and mentioned how she feels her brother with her and knows he helped her. We were able to give 2 scholarships in Mason’s honor and are working on the next golf tournament.  It's a lot of work but it helps me to know others Will see and remember the good Mason did for others.  I hope the recipients will tell their children and grandchildren about the scholarship and how it was set up to honor a young man who left this earth far to soon and how much he was loved by his family and community. Since my girls are 8 years apart I always hoped to be a grandma before Maddie left home but that doesn't seem possible as Morgan isn't getting married until October and was recently diagnosed with PCOS. We struggled With fertility as I was diagnosed with it as well. We tried so hard to have children it seems especially cruel that we lost our son.  I try to tell myself how blessed we were to have him for 21 years, but I  am selfish and wanted him to out live me. Some days the pain is still so Strong. 18 months and I haven't seen my boy, haven't seen his smile or heard him say I love you Mom.the tears are flowing as I write this. Seems forever since I saw him last but sometimes the pain is so fresh. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Mason’s mom.  Glad to hear of the joy of Maddie’s graduation, bittersweet yes, but her brother was beaming in pride I’m sure.  Your scholarships given in Mason’s name, will let his memory flourish on and on with each year another set of kids learning of your wonderful boy.  I couldn’t bear to have scholarships in my Kira’s name.  And at 18 months your grief is still so fresh, but take heart you are exactly where you are supposed to be on this journey none of us wanted to be on. And you may not feel it, but you have made steps into the light again. All your work in the scholarships, golf tournament, and the beautiful memory markers are proof of that.  As you get further along in your grief, you will be more open to those signs that your boy drops to you and you will know he walks beside you and feel his arms around you again.  Let grief have its way, wash over you...it will anyway. But there is always hope and happiness to be found, sometimes just little bits here and there, but hold on to them.  Take care and keep coming back and let others be where you can unload your sad pack.  

 

Lu...Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Virginia.  I’m so sorry Kyle is having such a hard time.  Difficult enough for adults to absorb, but even more so for a child.  I hope therapy can help him. Maybe it’s good, his little heart is letting some of his sadness go.  You are a good mom and that will go a long way to him healing.  How is your job?  It must be nice to have the sunny weather and beaches to enjoy. You are courageous to have made the move, to get away from the physical reminders.  Wishing lots more frogs jumping in your face.  Nique is letting you know she is with you.  Keep us updated on how Kyle is doing.  Take care

 

Lu...Kira’s mama.

[My girl is in heaven]

Peggy.  How are you doing?  R u still working?  R u getting some signs from your boy.  You have made incredible steps into finding your way again.  It is a never ending process, a little forward , then a little back.  Take pride in what you have accomplished.  Let us know where things are at with you dear friend.

 

Lu....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Margee... how are you doing?  You have so many health problems on your plate, is everything settled down now?  You have two other beautiful children I know.  How many grandchildren do you have.  You probably have hot weather there already.  Wish I had even a little of that here in Ontario.  Let us know where things are at with you. Take care dear friend.

 

Lu......Kira’s mama. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Kristen. Sorry to hear of your marriage problems.  Mine did not survive the grief.....the loss of a child, really tears a life apart.  R u back to Pilates teaching, or did u give that up.  I still think sometimes what a hell of a basketball game our Kira and Skylar are having up there.  Is Summer home from university, how many more years does she have.  Hold onto those precious moments with her. We know more than most what a treasure those times are. Let us know how you are doing.  

 

Lu.....Kira’s mama

[Mason’s Mom]

Thanks Lu, I visit often as it helps me to read and know I am not alone. My birthday is tomorrow,  my Dad always made a big deal of my birthday.  He sang to me every year,  I lost my dad a few years back and I think I miss him most on my birthday.  Mason loved my dad and is buried beside him. I will miss both of them so much tomorrow. I miss them all the time. 

[Somersky]

Hey Lu.... 

i think I read too much into things.... my own insecurities. I am teaching but times that I need a break. I am waking the Camino trail in Spain at the end of September... the last third. It will be 365km in 15 days... so I hope I can do it! I am going with a girlfriend so a lot of reflection. I am glad Skylar and Kira will have met... they are both old souls! 

Love to everyone!

[shorty16]

Hello all

Especially,  Lu-Kira's Mom

Yes, I am still here.  It has been 11 years since I saw Brian's smile.  Does it get easier?  Yes, the searing physical pain in no longer with me, but the ultimate in longing still, and will always, exist.

We just celebrated Michelle's graduation as a Registered Nurse.  She has the job she wanted.  With all that joy, my heart still has a hole.  

Life does go on and we learn how to live again.  

Love to you all.  Lu, thinking of you today.  We share angel dates.

Colleen, Brian's mother forever 

[hotrod]

Great POST  COlleen  It has been 12 years for me AND I AM EVER SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS SITE 

[Mason’s Mom]

It is so hard when you know you should be happy but there is a deep seated sadness that never let's go. I visited Mason’s grave on my way home and cried like it was yesterday. 

[Somersky]

Lu & Masons Mom ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Always thinking  of  our heavenly children everyday and especially on angel days! Love to all!

[daveydow1]

Hello   to   all   Indigos.  

 

Shannon-----So glad to hear you still live on the little farm that you fell in love with and moved to.

Congratulations!  on your new little granddaughter, Lily Nova.  Thanks for posting the pics.  She

is an adorable little baby,  and I think that in the baby pics,  she and Trista are remarkably similar in looks.

Both beautiful.  Glad that home-schooling is going well for Aiden, and that there is a good home-schooling

support system in your area. I did not realize Zak is now grown up......time goes by so quickly. Dear Angel

Trista is surely smiling down to see her new little niece, andTrista's Garden with the lily that Zak gave you.

It's so nice that Zak is pursuing a career in forest management.  Peace to you & your family.

 

Miasmom-----I am glad to hear that your stomach surgery was successful.....it's awful to suffer from those

conditions, and have grief on top of that also.  It's good that your mom is there to help you. 

  I did not realize that you live in California.  We, (here at this site,)

have not had a parent from California for quite some time......(unless I am in error....I may not accurately

recall) ,   You must live in San Francisco or nearby,  right?    Yes, I agree that we wish we could go back,

and recapture those days, weeks before our darlings left this world too soon....to hold onto them. But, we

still love them beyond measure, and always will.  Wishing you peace, friend.

 

Virginia-----Am so sorry for your little Kyle's grief.  I hope that the therapy will help him understand a bit

better....he's so young.  Bless his heart.  So wise of you to get him back to therapy since he's having such

a difficult time.

 

Masonsmom----You must be so proud of Maddie and her salutatorian speech.  Yes,....we always hope, and

expect to outlive our children.  It's a heartache that no parent ever expects to see, when they pass before us.

Such devastating shock, and sorrow that is part of it all.  You said you miss your dad......I know how that is

too,.....I lost my dad over 20 yrs. ago, and miss him still.  Of course, we will miss our Angels forever.

 

Somersky-----What an exciting adventure you will have in Sept. ....walking the Camino Trail in Spain.  Your

Skylar will be right there with you,  all along the trail.  Good luck.

 

Colleen----Hi !........good to see you here.  So nice that your daughter is now an RN.   I agree,  the good and

happy times are always a bit bittersweet when we think of our darlings, and how they are not here to join

in on everything.   11 yrs. since your dear Brian passed away at the age of 16.   I agree....the heart still

yearns as the times have come and gone.  Take care, my BI friend.

 

Betty----So glad to see your post, and Stephen's smile.  I think of you often.  Best wishes to you.

 

 WISHING  ALL  INDIGOS    PEACE   AND   COMFORT

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry 

   

RT.

[daveydow1]

Leah-----How are you?  I think of you and wonder how you are doing.  I'm not

on here as much as in the past, but I hope you are doing well, my friend.  

[Mason’s Mom]

RT, thanks for the personal response to each of us. How are you?You offer such kind words of comfort.  How did you get to a place to offer us comfort?

[Ashleys Mom]

I don’t know if I’m the only one that feels like this but do any of you find that friends kind of keep their distance? The ones that were there initially don’t seem to be around. Even my siblings. One sister didn’t even acknowledge Skylar on the 18th. If feel so guilty... we were supposed to go on a beautiful hike Dave planned the day after in whistler and I couldn’t... I just wanted to go home. He looked so sad and I felt so bad ... 
I’m trying so hard ... but sometimes I feel like I’m  a shell of a being that’s lost a huge part of myself and I’m trying to be someone for others just to maintain my own sanity.
this is one place others understand 

I’m so sorry and yes my lil brother we used to talk everyday now he hardly speaks to me he said I don’t know what to say to you.People say I’m going to come sit with you they don’t even my own mother.ahhh Thanks I’m suffering so bad I guess that’s how I know how bad it hurts.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[peggy a sad mom]

hi everyone i was away for a month almost i couldn't write. i am all caught up now i missed you guys. i was in florida the first two weeks were so so. it was just crazy i lost it all last week like it just happened. then i came home and sat in his room for a while i felt better to be with him. i hope some of our old regulars come back this summer. good luck everyone as always sorry for us all

peggy

[peggy a sad mom]

well i just noticed i missed an entire page. lu i retired april 27th. couldn't stand it. i am back at work part time and collecting my pension i have new bosses so i should be ok. if i'm not happy i won't be missing much i'll just leave. i had way too much time on my hands.

thanks

peggy

[daveydow1]

Masonsmom------On reading your last post,  I went  back to re-read my post. I see that

there are the letters  RT  down at the bottom of the post.  I am stumped as to how those

letters or initials ended up there......must have been some kind of a typo.......or mistake....

who knows  ??     Well,  I am an "old-timer"  on this grief road, (and on this site, even)....

having been on, along with Dee,  for 16 years when Davey was killed in a wreck, and Dee's dear

daughter passed.  My baby, Lisa, died many years ago. Of course, at that time, there wasn't anything like this

site for grieving parents. After David died,   I found so much wisdom and understanding

when I came here, and just decided to stick around.  Most of those who guided me then are not on here anymore,

and for that,.....I believe they have gained strength after their time here, and helping all of us

newbies then.  By helping others, we help ourselves, I think.  The grief road is a sorrowful

place to be......but no one chooses it.  You are so new on this journey, and I feel....in each &

every one of your posts.....just how much Mason was loved, and how much he is missed.  It seems

we end up taking baby steps.....small steps, to be sure.....because we cannot even imagine any

big steps.  With the small steps, we also end up taking some steps back, undoubtedly.  But, having

already taken those small steps forward, we have  set a course.  It's not easy.....never that. But,

as time goes by,  the pain and sorrow does soften.  Your Mason will always be in your heart

and soul......the love does not pass or diminish at all....it stays strong. We will see our angels again.

Wishing you peace, strength and comfort.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry        

 

[Changed]

I lost my adult son in 2016 - I feel for you all .  

 

[Somersky]

Changed.....we are all here for you and I am sorry about your son David. I felt an urge to come on to the site before teaching Pilates class tonight. My Skylar passed away April 2016 and I still cannot believe it is true. In fact ...I don’t think I ever will. Since Skylars death I walk around knowing a part of my soul is gone...forever! Support for one another is instrumental in our healing... to know we have each other is often times so crucial.

The other night I awoke to something that felt like a feather falling on the side of my face...it didn’t scare me ... but I just knew!!!!! 

Our children are ALWAYS with us❤️

 

[Changed]

Thank you for speaking to me Somersky 

[Somersky]

Hi Roz .... we are here for you.

My name is Kristen ... somersky comes from my daughters name summer and sons name Skylar...(somersky) ....❤️❤️❤️

Anytime you need someone ... or to just talk the door is always open.  My husband still hasn’t come to terms that Skylar has gone... he tells himself he has gone away on an extended vacation?... not sure if that healthy. We all deal with grief and loss so differently. I have to grieve when the wave hits ... 

[NiquesMom]

Hi Roz, I am Virginia, Dominiques mom. I don't post very often but I read what everyone posts. Some on here are so awesome about responding, I dont know how they do it. I dont have the energy most days. I am 18 months on this journey, and I have some days that are better then others, but for the most part I am just accepting that each day I wake up I am one day closer to seeing my daughter again.  Hugs to all.

[Changed]

I wrote a lot in my original posts - too much for one of my family 

thank you for caring 

[Somersky]

I know Roz .... the journeys length is quite similar. After losing my brother in a car accident when he was 20 (I was the age my daughter was when Skylar passed) my biggest fear was that I would lose my son. I in fact started going for therapy 2 years before he passed because I felt a pit in my stomach ....my therapist thought it was a bit delusional to be thinking such a thing. The feeling got stronger and stronger.... I spent as much time with Skylar as I could (he had no idea what I was going through) he was playing university basketball on scholarship. 

April 18 1996 his 20th birthday he was awake at 7:30am gone at 7:50am... I went downstairs came up and he fell back to sleep but when I went to wake him ... nothing. That’s when my cpr started for 45 minutes ... he survived till 10:30am.... long story made extremely short as I don’t want to get into details ... he DID go on his 20th birthday of SAD Sudden Arrhythmic Death Syndrome ... (like SIDS) no known cause.

To this day I know that I did the best I could.... maybe deep down knowing my time was limited (intuitively) I savoured every minute I could. Oh ... my husband and daughter were furious with me.. they said I spoiled him and babied him... in hindsight .... I did the best thing I could.

It is very difficult as my daughter cannot talk about that day and wakes up crying every night. Sadly she won’t see someone... I guess when she is ready. I let her know that I will not have skylars name taboo... I need to keep his memory alive ... even if it’s tough to talk he is still apart of the family ❤️

Wow... well thanks for letting me share... it is hard not to go down that dark hole since it’s tough to get back out. That is one thing time has taught me..... to recognize when it’s happening.

xo  

[Changed]

I am grateful for your kindness .  

 

[Somersky]

I understand.... Skylar would complain of palpitations... but doctors would say it was anxiety. Even when he had abnormal ecg’s (long qt at one point) we were told “he’s young”.... I was mad at the doctors for a while but then nothing was going to bring him back. 

Skylar was tall too... 6 foot 5  260lbs handsome of course. I have a hard time going back and thinking of good times ... not yet anyway but maybe down the road. The wound is too fresh still and I’m patient with myself and not forcing something that is not natural. We did bury Skylar in his basketball shoes next to my brother ... so they are together ( ironically there was a spot beside my brother in his plot)

This forum is a safe place to share your memories... positive and not so positive without being judged. We have all gone through the gamut of life’s cruel hoops of grief. I self medicated for the first 2.5 years consistently....the pain of the loss was too much to bare. Our daughter needs me... I know I have to be here for her ....so I try everyday ... sometimes it Day to Day sometimes hour by hour.

[Changed]

Thank you for reaching out to me.  I have upset a family member for posting here and they do not need anything else to  hurt them , therefore, I have taken down my posts and I hope that this will calm matters .   I definitely need a group like this and I’m sorry that I cannot share without offending another.

Please take care