Loss of an Adult Child

[Changed]

Susan,  thank you for the link to A Bed For My Heart.   It is exactly as it is for us all .  Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

We have made it through another holiday with an we empty place at the dinner table and our hearts. I got a text from one of Mason's classmates on Saturday.  She is working on her Masters degree and she had an assignment to recall hard times during her life and reflect on who provided Support.  She said she was reminded of Mason and how he always found a way to make her feel less lonely.  She said she is thankful for how the lord used Mason to make her a better friend,  a better listener, a better encourager and she hopes a better social worker. These Words lifted my heart and brought tears. It brings back my question of WHY?

[Francelia]

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to touch base with everybody to see how everyone is doing.  I'm slowly getting back to my regular life. My first couple of shifts in the ER (I'm a trauma nurse) was rough especially when we had a young man trauma victim same age as Kodi who we couldn't save.  It hit me really, really hard and I isolated myself at home from family and friends for a few days, until I could get past this sadness.  I also have been speaking to a counselor who is helping me adjust to Kodi's death. It's helping me so much. 

Thank you to everyone who responded to me. This site has been a blessing to me and helping me move forward.

[Mason’s Mom]

Francelia,

I am pleased you are getting help from a counselor. I can't imagine how traumatic your job is for you. I struggle some days just seeing Mason's name. I work with a freight company and I never realized how many streets and cities have Mason as a part of the name not to mention how many customers also have the name Mason. I tell myself that Mason would want me to live life to the fullest and I try in his honor.  I bet your Kodi would want the same. 

Carol

[onedown]

Hello. I'm posting here because I want to discuss some things with bereaved parents, as my parents are bereaved since the death of my brother. I don't know if this is appropriate, as I understand that this board is for bereaved parents only and I am not one, so if it isn't then please let me know and I will remove my post. The reason I am not posting on the board for people who have lost siblings, is that I don't relate to their problems or their understanding of grief at all, and because I want to hear specifically from those who lost their children. WARNING: This post will be extremely depressing to read, and if you don't want to have to read through some very sad musings, please either don't read it or just read the questions I have put at the very end. For those who decide to read, I'm sorry in advance for the sadness. 

My brother died unexpectedly in February of this year, at age 26, and since then I have been trying to care for my parents and keep them from falling apart. This is hard, because I had to move 8hrs away for a very important university course about a month ago, and both my parents are divorced and live alone a few hours away from each other. 

My brother's loss is a huge source of grief for me; we were as close as siblings could possibly be. He understood me like no-one else, I trusted him more than I will trust anyone, and I loved him so much the word love does not suffice, and all these feelings were mutual. But, as awful as I will always feel about his absence, it is my parent's experience that truly depresses me. They are and were very attentive and caring parents; my brother and I had excellent childhoods, and as we grew we remained very close with our parents; like best friends, always keeping in touch and loving each other's company. My mum always said half her heart was in me, the other in my brother. And, now my brother has died, the emptiness in my mother's heart is gut-wrenching to behold. The memory of holding her in my arms as she wailed is burned into my memory; by far the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced, and I cannot stop reliving it. My dad is similar. He loved my brother, he was the kind of dad that spent a lot of time with his kids, and he and my brother had an enormous amount in common and would often have dinner together, discussing philosophy or science for hours. Now my dad sits down every night for dinner at the same table me and my brother ate at since we were children up until now, except instead of laughter and debate there is just silence. 

In the weeks immediately following my brother's death, I kept telling my parents that I would live on and have kids and be happy, and that we all had a lot to look forward to and should count our blessings. I comforted them, but mostly myself, with the idea that one day I would present them with a newborn and they would see that life goes on and the world still holds some glimpses of joy. Now, as time goes on, I dedicate myself to achieving my goals, keeping in touch with my parents, and maintaining my sanity in the conspicuous and permanent absence of my only confidant. Here's the thing: I don't think my parents want to be alive anymore, and I don't think I want to be either. I think we are, and always will be, shells who go through the motions of life, seeming to others that we breathe and think and feel like everyone else, when inside there is no emotion but pain and no thought but deep, endless slideshows of regret. I think the only thing that animates myself and my family is the understanding that to give up would be to betray the others. There is an absurdity to this life; we don't believe in God or any kind of afterlife, but it is impossible not to fantasize about that final moment, where, after how-ever long of pointless 'living', we die and welcome the darkness, hoping that we will see him again in heaven. I am 23. I cannot relate to anyone on this topic, aside from my parents. My friends have no idea what true despair is; they have breakdowns when they stub their toe, and I can't help but hate and envy them with every bone in my body. I hold myself together, and I imagine that they must think I don't care that much about my brother's death. If killing every innocent soul on the planet would bring my brother back, I would do it without question. If an asteroid was going to destroy Earth tomorrow, I would weep with happiness and I know my parents would too.

There are moments where I feel hopeful about the future. There are moments, like now, when I feel like I live only to suffer, and the burden of life without my brother is so great it crushes all memory of happiness. I keep asking: why did this happen to my brother? Why couldn't death have taken his pick of the scumbags on this planet, and left my family in peace? Why, of all my useless and mentally unstable friends, is it me that must experience the worst of the world and maintain a stiff-upper lip about it? My brother said a few times that if I ever died, he would kill himself. I just laughed, said ditto, and said it's a good thing it'll never happen. Now I see, that could never work. Two children, one dies, and the parents must begrudgingly live for the remaining child's sake. They both die? My parents would kill themselves, I'm sure of it. I cannot imagine the pain my parents would be in, if I were to die now. I am not a cowardly or anxious person, and I have never been afraid of death or injury, but now every time I drive somewhere, every time I go out surfing, I think of my mum getting a phone call about me dying and I hear that wailing in my head, and I still drive and surf but I hate that death terrifies me now. And so, you see the delicate balancing act: I begrudgingly live for my parents, and my parents begrudgingly live for me.

I so envy people that can look back with nostalgia at their adolescence or childhood. It hurts so much for me to look back to a time when my brother was alive. The trauma of his death has corrupted every memory stored in my brain, and when I access them I experience an acute rush of pain. I imagine that is a fairly uncommon feeling: the feeling when you are 23 years old, and you know for a fact that the best years of your life are behind you. I cannot stress enough how important my brother was to me, and how extraordinary he was as a person; he was one of a kind, he meant everything to my mother, my dad, and me. I hate my past self for having access to him. 

I fear one day, many years from now, I will be by my mum/dad's death bed, and they, because of dementia or just confusion, will ask me "where is my son?" And I will have to say, "He's dead, remember?" and then I'll look into their eyes, and I will see the same thing I saw that day my brother died. The sight of all this love, all this hope, all the optimism and possibility attached to a young life slipping away with the realization that they'll never see that face again, never hear that voice again, never hold him again, never see him marry, never see him raise children, never watch him grow any older. Remember? Remember that mistake you made that you can never undo? The one that meant, instead of seeing all those things, you live in this cursed reality that you created by Making. That. Mistake. And who knows? Maybe on my death bed I'll ask: "where is my brother?" and someone will have to say: "you're brother is dead, Em. He died a long time ago. Remember?" and I'll think, 'Oh. Yes, I remember. If only I could go back in time, I could fix it and change everything. Oh well, here goes the final dice roll: shall I see him again, or see nothing?' Sadly, you can't go back in time. You can't control the future either; there is no such thing as karma, no such thing as God, you don't get rewarded for doing the right thing and punished for doing the wrong thing. You can do everything right, be morally perfect, be careful, love with all your heart something innocent and good - and that thing can be ripped away for no reason, one random morning, one random day, and you'll have to live without your heart forever. 

 

There are some things I want to know from any bereaved parent who is willing to answer.... Is there any hope in your life? How long did it take to rekindle? What helped you? If you have any remaining children, is there anything they could do that would make you feel better? 

[katiedee]

I thank you for your post. I can identify with many of the thoughts and emotions after having lost our oldest son in January. The definition of happiness will forever be different. I did reach a point in my thinking that there was no reason to go on, even though I have three other children. I felt they could take care of themselves and didn’t need me around. But the difference in my journey is that I do believe in God and because of that my faith and belief was not only weak, but I questioned everything I thought I believed about God. I joined many support groups and had four counselors, including a trauma specialist. During this time I learned one of my daughters was diagnosed with a life changing illness. I also received FaceTime calls from my two young grandchildren from my other daughter. Our youngest son withdrew even further from talking. It was only after one counselor in particular spent countless hours talking to me about my son and helping me process his death, that my eyes turned to those around me who needed me and whose lives would  forever be changed in a traumatic way if I took the easy way out and ended my life. I want my family to live and love life as much as they can and I couldn’t add to their grief by making a decision that could never be undone. I never thought it possible to get to a place of peace. That’s not saying the hurt and sadness go away. It just became more manageable. And as I write this, I am on the road with my husband to see my daughter because she has had great suffering with her own personal losses and I’m worried about her and where she is mentally and emotionally. We need each other. You are so young and your chapters haven’t been written yet. Your parents are younger than I am probably and still have a life with you. None of us are guaranteed a certain number of days. But you need each other so you can have another day to talk, connect, remember your brother and finding ways to honor him and keep his memory alive.  I strongly encourage all of you to sign up for GriefShare. There are virtual group meetings or you can go in person if it’s offered near you. It speaks to grief and what we experience. Yes, there are biblical references used as well. As for me, the place of peace I am in now is because I stopped blaming God and found my way back. I strongly encourage you and your parents to get counseling and join a support group you are comfortable with. There’s no way I could have done this on my own. So yes, it will take some time to get to a place where you can begin to breathe, smile, and think about living, but you and your parents can get there. You will never forget your brother, but from what you’ve written, I feel that if it had been you who left this earth, would you want your brother and family to leave too? I don’t think so. You would tell them to fight. And by you taking the time to find a group to post on, you are already reaching out for help and fighting. Please don’t stop. You and your parent’s lives matter and you need to tell each other that. I don’t know you, but I care very much about you and your parents. Keep in touch please!

[Mason’s Mom]

2 hours ago, katiedee said:

I thank you for your post. I can identify with many of the thoughts and emotions after having lost our oldest son in January. The definition of happiness will forever be different. I did reach a point in my thinking that there was no reason to go on, even though I have three other children. I felt they could take care of themselves and didn’t need me around. But the difference in my journey is that I do believe in God and because of that my faith and belief was not only weak, but I questioned everything I thought I believed about God. I joined many support groups and had four counselors, including a trauma specialist. During this time I learned one of my daughters was diagnosed with a life changing illness. I also received FaceTime calls from my two young grandchildren from my other daughter. Our youngest son withdrew even further from talking. It was only after one counselor in particular spent countless hours talking to me about my son and helping me process his death, that my eyes turned to those around me who needed me and whose lives would  forever be changed in a traumatic way if I took the easy way out and ended my life. I want my family to live and love life as much as they can and I couldn’t add to their grief by making a decision that could never be undone. I never thought it possible to get to a place of peace. That’s not saying the hurt and sadness go away. It just became more manageable. And as I write this, I am on the road with my husband to see my daughter because she has had great suffering with her own personal losses and I’m worried about her and where she is mentally and emotionally. We need each other. You are so young and your chapters haven’t been written yet. Your parents are younger than I am probably and still have a life with you. None of us are guaranteed a certain number of days. But you need each other so you can have another day to talk, connect, remember your brother and finding ways to honor him and keep his memory alive.  I strongly encourage all of you to sign up for GriefShare. There are virtual group meetings or you can go in person if it’s offered near you. It speaks to grief and what we experience. Yes, there are biblical references used as well. As for me, the place of peace I am in now is because I stopped blaming God and found my way back. I strongly encourage you and your parents to get counseling and join a support group you are comfortable with. There’s no way I could have done this on my own. So yes, it will take some time to get to a place where you can begin to breathe, smile, and think about living, but you and your parents can get there. You will never forget your brother, but from what you’ve written, I feel that if it had been you who left this earth, would you want your brother and family to leave too? I don’t think so. You would tell them to fight. And by you taking the time to find a group to post on, you are already reaching out for help and fighting. Please don’t stop. You and your parent’s lives matter and you need to tell each other that. I don’t know you, but I care very much about you and your parents. Keep in touch please!

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Em, as a grieving mom I can tell you that my daughters and other family members were and someday are still the only reason I get up and move forward.  I know my son would want me to continue living and enjoy my life. He was a very special person to many. One of my missions in life is to honor him. When my mind returns to the first minutes and days after his death I fight hard against being swept into deep despair.  We give a scholarship in his name and I find ways of helping others.  Sometimes I tell the person I did this in honor of my son, his name is Mason and he is no longer here to help so I am helping you on his behalf.

You and your parents need to find support with counseling if possible and with grief support groups it helps to know you are not alone in  your  grief 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[NiquesMom]

I am exhausted. My sons best friend sister was murdered 2 days ago. She was 23. Nice, sweet girl. Her mother called me and asked me to take her son (kyles best friend) for the weekend. She knows I lost Nique. Of course I took him, I remember not being able to function, dont know what I would have done without my husband as he cared for our son. So of course I took her son, and sit with her, and listened to her, and told her how unfair this is and how much it sucks, and that it will suck forever.  It has brought everything back, and I am just reliving the last months I had with nique, and the first couple weeks without her. I havent slept well all weekend, and I am so exhausted. I know she needs me, bereaved parents have a different perspective than anyone else with their idea of loss or grief. But it has drained me, and I don't know how I am going to make it through this week. Just want to crawl in bed and not get out. 

[NiquesMom]

Em, I am 3 years into this road and I have moments of happiness but no pure joy. Most days I smile but it doesn't reach my eyes. Why do I continue? My 8 year old needs me. He deserves the sort of mom his sister got. He didn't ask to be here, so I do the best I can. Maybe the happiness is more frequent as you move along this path. You are so new to this journey, anger and depression was normal for me at that time. Its not fair, but whoever said life is fair?  I believe in god and heaven, and I know I will see My daughter again. Until then I will try each day to be better than the day before. Sometimes I will stumble but always get back up. I have had visits from my daughter since she passed so I know she continues on, and that helps too.

Talk to someone, anyone, don't keep everything inside.

[onedown]

Katie, Mason's mum, Niques' Mum: Thankyou for your responses! I really appreciated hearing your perspective on the situation a family is in after the death of a child. 

I don't want any of you to be concerned that suicide is on the menu for me or my parents; it isn't. I tell myself that doing your duty despite pain is the noble thing to do in any situation, this one included. I will be sticking around for as long as my body lasts. 

Katie, you mention that one of your daughters is now ill. I'm very sorry to hear that. I think that when people die, it is impossible not to cling to the life around you - you want to know that everyone else is okay and in-touch so that nothing else changes suddenly. How ever mild or severe the illness, I hope you and your daughter are coping. One thing that kept floating around my mind in the days after my brother died, is that it was imperative that I got married and had children as soon as reasonably possible. This is weird, because I've always thought I'd be waiting until my mid-late 20's to have kids. The feeling of wanting them hasn't really gone away, even though I also want other things that are completely incompatible with children. The point is, having the preciousness of life revealed to me really changed my perspective on children. 

Mason's mum, I think it's wonderful that you set up a scholarship in your son's name. Over the last few months, I have been reading through this bereaved parents forum, all the way back to 2005 or so when it started, and it pains me to see that mums who lost their children quite often remain for years afterwards, posting regularly. As someone who lost their son a few years ago, do you feel like your experience of grief has changed over time? Do you feel joy? Just by looking at your picture, I can tell your son must have been an amazingly sweet guy. It is very painful to know someone so good, and to know that their goodness won't be enjoyed by any more people unless you carry and spread it it yourself. 

Niques' mum, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. It was generous of you to help counsel people in the same position you were in, knowing that it would re-open old wounds. It sounds like you are not very happy, day to day, even 3 years after. Do you think it is partly guilt that makes you unhappy? Like, the feeling that if you truly smile you know you will feel like you shouldn't have, because it isn't really how you feel because you are still grieving and always will be. For example, when my cat died a few years ago I felt that I could've prevented it, and that I was her protector and so her death was on me. Afterwards, I didn't really laugh or smile for months, and when I did I caught myself and chastised myself for not suffering because I deserved to suffer for failing her. It is a silly example, because she was just a cat, but I give it because I don't have that feeling of guilt about happiness with my brother's death. I really don't blame myself for it, and I'm really desperate not to be unhappy forever, so I take whatever happiness I can when it comes. I think my parents blame themselves, though, and that is why I ask you if perhaps the guilt contributes to how difficult it is for you to feel joy. 

[Mason’s Mom]

On 4/25/2021 at 6:22 PM, NiquesMom said:

I am exhausted. My sons best friend sister was murdered 2 days ago. She was 23. Nice, sweet girl. Her mother called me and asked me to take her son (kyles best friend) for the weekend. She knows I lost Nique. Of course I took him, I remember not being able to function, dont know what I would have done without my husband as he cared for our son. So of course I took her son, and sit with her, and listened to her, and told her how unfair this is and how much it sucks, and that it will suck forever.  It has brought everything back, and I am just reliving the last months I had with nique, and the first couple weeks without her. I havent slept well all weekend, and I am so exhausted. I know she needs me, bereaved parents have a different perspective than anyone else with their idea of loss or grief. But it has drained me, and I don't know how I am going to make it through this week. Just want to crawl in bed and not get out. 

I know it's hard but I bet you will be the best thing for this newly grieving mom. You will understand her pain better than others.  Stay strong Kyle has an amazing mom.

[Mason’s Mom]

Em, your grief changes all the time. I can be okay and a smell,  a brief glimpse and especially a song can bring me to my knees literally. It rushes back like a tidal wave. Do I feel Joy? Every celebration or good news is always accompanied with a bit of sadness.  I really try to find joy and happiness but a part of my heart is missing and no one will replace the absence of my son.

[NiquesMom]

Em,

I don't feel guilt over being happy.  I think you cannot quite understand that as a parent we have a bit of our heart walking around outside our body through our children.  The death of my daughter means a bit of my heart is just gone, and while I find moments of happiness and am fine with that, I am also sad at the same time because that bit of my heart is forever missing.  There is a duality of wanting to be here with the ones we love and with the one we have lost.  You cannot have both, and so it is a constant struggle.  It doesnt mean I love my son any less, just part of me is missing and he cannot fill that spot.

I hope your parents find peace as it is very early in this journey, and it is kind of you to want to try and help them.  

[Mason’s Mom]

On 4/30/2021 at 10:02 PM, Valerie Lockhart said:

Dear OneDown,

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. Although I have never lost a child, I understand the pain associated with the death of a loved one. According to close friends, who have lost both a child and their parents to death, there is no difference - pain is pain. With both losses, we all ask, "Why me?" Some feel that they have no need for God because they find many puzzling issues in life incompatible with belief in a loving God. For example, they may ask: ‘Why do good people have to suffer?’ ‘Why are some innocent babies born deformed?’ ‘Why is life so unjust?’ Those are serious questions indeed, and finding satisfying answers to them can have a deep impact on our life. People have long yearned for freedom from sickness, aging, and death. They have spent an enormous amount of time, effort, and resources in its pursuit, but to little or no avail. Some have hoped to find such freedom through the legendary elixir of life, the fountain of youth, Shangri-la, and the like. All these dreams have proved to be disappointing. There is a such person as God and He wants humans to live well and be happy. That was his original purpose in creating humans, and he has not forgotten it. (Genesis 1:27,28; Isaiah 45:18) We have Jehovah God’s assurance that whatever he purposes to do will be done without fail. (Isaiah 55:10, 11) The Bible tells us about God’s promise to restore the Paradise conditions lost by the first human couple. In the last book of the Bible, we find these words: “He [Jehovah God] will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4) How will God bring about these wonderful conditions, and how can we benefit from this promise? God’s Son, Jesus Christ, taught his followers to pray for God’s will to be done. Many people are familiar with or often repeat that prayer, which some call the Lord’s Prayer. It goes this way: “Our Father in the heavens, let your name be sanctified. Let your kingdom come. Let your will take place, as in heaven, also upon earth.” (Matthew 6:9,10) Yes, God’s Kingdom is the means by which Jehovah God will do away with the woeful results of human rule and bring about the righteous new world of his promise. (Daniel 2:44; 2 Peter 3:13) Try pouring out your heart to God in prayer, and watch as His spirit reaches out to ease you of your pain. 

Valerie, I don't want to offend you or others however as a grieving mother I can honestly say the loss of my child is the most devastating and painful experience of my lifetime.  I lost my Dad 11 years ago, he was my protector and I loved him very much. However I feel it is the natural order of life for our parents to proceed us in death my Dad's body was tired and he could no longer take care of himself I was with him when he took his last breath.  He told me he was ready to go and that he had made peace with God,. His death was painful and I still miss him, but I can accept his death. I didn't seek counseling or join a grief support group.  However when I lost my son, I went to counseling I found this group, I work to keep his memory alive,  we give a scholarship in his honor,  we built a bench in his honor. I could go on and on.It has been 3 years and 4 months and I think about him all the time,  I visit his grave and I hurt daily.  So for me there is a BIG difference in the pain and grief. 

[Changed]

Hi everyone,  I’ve not had a lot to say of late.    I seem to be thinking more than talking or writing although I am not sure where it gets me.   I was at our local cottage hospital getting a CVax  and whilst I was waiting one of the volunteers was telling me about his travels in Australia, without thinking I said that my son lives there.  I regretted it immediately as he went on to start asking questions and , because I’d only be speaking with this chap for another 10 minutes,  I didn’t explain that David had actually died there I just led the conversation onto spiders and snakes.  It left me feeling quite flat , I suspect I wanted it to be real and my son be still alive and living there and that is why I felt as I did.  

I think that I must be getting used to the constant undercurrent of sadness now and I don’t have prolonged tears these days. I weep but it is, in the main, not uncontrollable sobbing more a passing wave of emotions.   I find that I still worry about him though which I know sounds strange .  I haven’t got to a place of being able to embrace happy memories- if I try they lead to tears because those times are gone and we are not making any new ones.   Maybe, with more time, I will get there.  

We are all so different and will react and cope individually to the loss of our children    I have to agree with Mason’s mom though,   I have lost both my parents as well as my son, David, and although I love and grieve for my mum and dad there is absolutely no comparison to what I am experiencing losing my child .  Part of me is gone.

Take care everyone.   Peace to you ,   Roz

Virginia,     Tragic news about your friends daughter - I’m sure you will be a huge support but do  try to look after yourself as much as you can whilst you help them - it will be very draining I’m sure.

Fran,  it must be tough at work for you at times .   I’m glad that the counselling is being of use to you - many here say how much it was of help to them - perhaps I should try but it would have probably been more useful in the early days ( my son died at the end of 2016 )   

Katie ,  I’m sorry that your daughter is having it tough and I hope that, if possible , things settle into ‘manageable’.  Life can be hard as we all know.

and Carol,  seems like  ages since we have spoken.  Are the months flying or dragging?   There must be so much going on - good stuff.  I read your post about Mason’s friend going to be a social worker and his part in that - what a wonderful thing for you to hear. He really did leave such a positive influence didn’t he?

Roz
 

 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, good to hear from you. Does time fly by or drag. Depends on the day you ask me. Some days I feel like it is flying by so quickly and I fight even harder to make sure Mason isn't forgotten. The next day it seems like time has stopped and I am never going to move forward. I want to move forward and not have that undercurrent of sadness invade my every move.

May each of us find peace and comfort. 

Carol

[Grandma9]

I used to hate when the day came my son passed away, but started celebrating it & called it his Angel date & thats how I commemorate it, I gather with family & reminisce about things he used to do & times we remember, it’s very joyful & my family wrapped their arms around it & glad I started it

[NiquesMom]

Valerie, I have lost both my parents and my daughter, and hands down my daughters death hurts exponentially more.  I would be amazed to find a grieving parent who says "there is no difference - pain is pain."  Since you admit you have not experienced this loss I suppose I can understand how you would think this is the case.  For me, I thought I knew loss when my mother died at age 50. I thought it was unfair for all my friends to have their mom and mine was gone.  When my daughter died the pain was so excruciating, its like you cannot breathe, and even 3 years in I have moments where I just cant believe its real because she was supposed to bury me.

[Grandma9]

My son, Brian passed away Sept. 19th, 2001, he was in a hammock with his daughters one on each side of him when he heard a crack in the tree, he flung his daughters, Kailyn & Madison, out of the hammock & the tree fell on him, an ambulance was called & took him to hospital, I am from Ohio but live in Mass, I’ve lived here for 26 years, he was divorced & had his girls for the weekend when it happened, the hospital called me I spoke with the nurse & she was filling me in, he was still wide awake & alert, I spoke with him & told him I loved him & I said I’m on my way, I said do you love me, he replied seriously Hubbard, that’s what he called me, holding back tears & the nurse said he’s had us all laughing since he arrived, I said that’s my Brian, a smile that would light up a room & fill you with joy, then talked to the surgeon & he told me what had to be done, had to repair artery going from heart to his brain & I was next of kin & gave the surgeon permission, he was in surgery for 10 hours & never woke up again, 7 days later tested brain waves & was considered brain dead, I had to make the hardest decision of my life to take him off life support, I arrived day after accident & never left the hospital till that day I gave permission to take him off life support, before it happened I sat in the room with him talking to him, I laid my head next to his & his turned turned toward my head, I knew right then he was letting me know it’s ok & I told him it’s ok honey it’s time for me to let you go, he was  an organ donor & he saved 7 lives that day, I was in touch with organ donor facility & had constant correspondence with them & they told me the age & sex of each recipient & how he helped them, gave me a lot of comfort & eventually after much paperwork & consents was able to communicate with 5 of them by letter through the organization, they couldn’t thank me enough all of them kept saying they thanked Brian & prayed for my family & his girls, he is my granddaughters hero, we all have said at one time or another we would die for our kids & he did just that, he passed away 1 month to the day before his birthday 10-19-75, his oldest graduated last year & his youngest graduates this year, when I look into his oldest daughter Kailyn face & eyes she’s a clone to my son, same smile everything, I feel like I’m looking at my son, very comforting, that’s the story of my Brian, my daughter Alicia is 3 years older than Brian & even though she moved here 20 years ago they were still best friends, I don’t think she still has come to terms with it, my youngest lives in NC, all together I have 3 children, 9 grandkids & 1 great granddaughter, I think about him every day of my life & talk to him all the time, after 35 years of marriage we divorced 3 years after Brian passed away, he was never a source of support & the marriage was broken away, I’m happier & enjoying life, that’s my story, if you read all of this God bless you, Hubbard

[Mason’s Mom]

Hubbard,  your son sounds like an amazing man. So sorry that you have to join this group that none of us want to be a member of. Everyone is supportive and we understand your pain

Carol

 

[Grandma9]

Thank you, will be 10 years this September but never gets any better, I’ve just learned to cope with it, people say it gets better over time, they’re wrong, I’ve lost my parents, a brother & other family members but nothing like the pain of losing my Brian, he took a piece of my heart with him but I find comfort in knowing I will see him again

[Grandma9]

I’m sure everything I’ve said thus far everyone has said & feels, but thanks again for reading my story

[NiquesMom]

Hubbard, I am so sorry for your loss, your son sounds fantastic.  I am only 3 years in, my coworker is 30 years in, and she said its better but not, she still cries all the time.  Even though I want to be here for my son, it depresses me that I am still going to be like this in 30 years

[Grandma9]

It does ease up but certain days are still bad, like Mothers Day coming up, I’m on Griefhaven & during the difficult holidays I always get an e-mail from them & I got one today & there’s a poem titled Dear Mister Hallmark A Mother’s Day poem & I cried through all of it, it’s a poem telling how he wants to find a Mother’s Day card & what he would say in it, it all rang true, it gets easier but the hurt never heals at least it hasn’t for me because it’s that piece of my heart that’s with him, hang in there

[Francelia]

To all the mothers...Today is going to be difficult for many of us, remember the loved one in your heart and especially today remember the laughs and the good times...

"A rainbow on the horizon, an angel by your side and everything that could ever bring a smile to your day"

You are all in my thoughts and prayers today.

[Grandma9]

Thank It does ease up but certain days

11 minutes ago, Francelia said:

To all the mothers...Today is going to be difficult for many of us, remember the loved one in your heart and especially today remember the laughs and the good times...

"A rainbow on the horizon, an angel by your side and everything that could ever bring a smile to your day"

You are all in my thoughts and prayers today.

are still bad, like Mothers Day coming up, I’m on Griefhaven & during the difficult holidays I always get an e-mail from them & I got one today & there’s a poem titled Dear Mister Hallmark A Mother’s Day poem & I cried through all of it, it’s a poem telling how he wants to find a Mother’s Day card & what he would say in it, it all rang true, it gets easier but the hurt never heals at least it hasn’t for me because it’s that piece of my heart that’s with him, hang in there

 

13 minutes ago, Francelia said:

To all the mothers...Today is going to be difficult for many of us, remember the loved one in your heart and especially today remember the laughs and the good times...

"A rainbow on the horizon, an angel by your side and everything that could ever bring a smile to your day"

You are all in my thoughts and prayers today.

Thank you for the kind words, I’m heading out for the night & I will Brian with me, best company I could have, meeting my daughter for breakfast, think about my Mother also on this day, she passed away 1990, still miss her terribly, I will have her with me also, just me, Brian & my Mom, you’re all in my thoughts & prayers today, I’m staying focused on the good timrs

[Changed]

I am really struggling today.  I feel so sad and hopeless.  I think it is the same old realisation that I cannot change what has happened no matter how much I want to .   I’m only going through the motions of life and not truly enjoying anything - what a mess. I’m being quite obnoxious about trivial things too.  I think I need a massive change of scene and purpose but have no idea of where or what , in fact, I’m not really up to what that would take anyway.   I cannot continue like this , my son would give me such a talking to and that thought makes me cry as well.  It feels like all the sadnesses, misery and disappointments of my life have gathered force and are too much.   I don’t want to sound suicidal, because I’m not, I’m just facing up to the reality of losing David .

I need to buck my ideas up - I’m busy with domestic stuff , we are having two bathrooms remodelled as they are ancient but I have no joy in it - just necessity.  The house will be full in the coming months once we make some decisions- maybe that is why I’m stressed because of my reluctant effort.  Ah well.   We need to have a couple of easy mini uk trips away to try and put my mind to something else.   It feels like it’s been a long time feeling so flat - four and a half years - it cannot possibly be going to always feel like this, can it?  
We are all different , I know,  we cope and react differently to our loss - I wish you all peace and comfort in your lives.

Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

4 hours ago, Changed said:

I am really struggling today.  I feel so sad and hopeless.  I think it is the same old realisation that I cannot change what has happened no matter how much I want to .   I’m only going through the motions of life and not truly enjoying anything - what a mess. I’m being quite obnoxious about trivial things too.  I think I need a massive change of scene and purpose but have no idea of where or what , in fact, I’m not really up to what that would take anyway.   I cannot continue like this , my son would give me such a talking to and that thought makes me cry as well.  It feels like all the sadnesses, misery and disappointments of my life have gathered force and are too much.   I don’t want to sound suicidal, because I’m not, I’m just facing up to the reality of losing David .

I need to buck my ideas up - I’m busy with domestic stuff , we are having two bathrooms remodelled as they are ancient but I have no joy in it - just necessity.  The house will be full in the coming months once we make some decisions- maybe that is why I’m stressed because of my reluctant effort.  Ah well.   We need to have a couple of easy mini uk trips away to try and put my mind to something else.   It feels like it’s been a long time feeling so flat - four and a half years - it cannot possibly be going to always feel like this, can it?  
We are all different , I know,  we cope and react differently to our loss - I wish you all peace and comfort in your lives.

Roz

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, I am so sorry you are struggling. I wish I had some words of wisdom and comfort. I completely understand how you feel. A break from every day life would be a nice change. I have to give myself pep talks all the time and tell myself Mason would not like to see me like this. Hope you can find some time to take some time away and change the scenery would do you good.

 

[Changed]

Thanks Carol.   I feel such a yearning for what should have been .   As I have said before, David lived in Australia and had his little family there - that was hard enough to be so far apart but to lose him altogether feels so cruel.    Of course,a lot of our children didn’t get to strike out alone or marry and I am conscious of that and how painful it must be.  Roz

 

Edited May 17, 2021 by Changed

[Francelia]

Dear Roz,

I understand how difficult it has been for you. Please, know that you are not alone with these feelings and that sometimes we need extra help in coping.  Grief counseling has been very helpful for me, but it's not for everybody and sometimes it gets very difficult to accept the reality of my son's death. Just know that there are people here that understand and can support you. 

[NiquesMom]

Most days I can pretend that my daughter is in another state and she will call me soon.  I can talk about her without crying, for the most part.  But also most days I feel like I am just marking time.  I try to be present for my son, but part of my mind is always with Nique.  We celebrated kyles birthday last weekend, and next weekend would have been Niques birthday.  Miss her, and I know you all understand.  Roz, I know every day is different, some better than others.  I hope you find some semblance of peace, get to take your mini-trips, and feel your sons love around you.  My sister-in-law was able to give me a message from Nique which really helped though I bawled my eyes out at the time.  I believe they are around us, and cheering us on, and lifting us when we are down.

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, I am so sorry you are struggling. I wish I had some words of wisdom and comfort. I completely understand how you feel. A break from every day life would be a nice change. I have to give myself pep talks all the time and tell myself Mason would not like to see me like this. Hope you can find some time to take some time away and change the scenery would do you good.

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  the struggle with staying present for the others is so very hard. I hope you find a way to honor Nique on her birthday. Maybe Kyle would like to plan something for her. It's OK for them to know we think about our lost ones. I will be thinking about you and yes they are all around us if we are open to the signs. 

Carol

 

[Changed]

So kind of everyone to care.  Thank you.  
We are going to my daughters for a few days - she is closer to London , we are in Devon , about 3 hours by car .  I’m looking forward to seeing her and will live in the moment as much as I can.

You all understand. Take great care of yourselves.   Roz

[NiquesMom]

Friday was Niques birthday.  I did ok until the very end of the day. I cried and cried on my husbands shoulder. I miss her so much. She would have been 22, this is the 4th birthday she has celebrated in heavon.

[Mason’s Mom]

Sorry I missed Nique`s birthday. It's okay to cry, glad your husband has a shoulder for you to cry on. 

[Somersky]

I made it through skylars 5 year anniversary… barely!

we moved which is why I have been a bit absent!  I just couldn’t stay in the same house … I also turned 50 this year so a lot of change!!! It’s been so tough I don’t want Skylar to become a “memory” like my brother!  It is easier being away but now I am In the same city where he was buried with my brother which brings some peace.

I still wish he were here and feel I could have done more… I think until I die I will feel I have let him down

Nique… happy belated birthday ❤️

Still trying to wrap my head Skylar dying on his birthday 

[Mason’s Mom]

Kristen,  I have thought about you and hoped you were doing well. 5 years and if you are like you hoped that time would heal. I know I have said it before but it doesn't heal all wounds. I feel like I have learned to hide the pain.  I question what I could have done differently too and why we never knew he had a heart disease. My eldest daughter hasn't dealt with her brothers loss either.  She will talk about him but won't visit the cemetery and rarely sheds a tear in my presence.  I wish she would open up with us. My youngest does and she still cries for him, I think that is healthy for her to release her emotions. I don't press my eldest,  she is pregnant and due at the end of July. I am sure others remember Skylar I think many people are afraid to mention them in front of us, that is the opposite of what I want. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Somersky]

15 hours ago, Mason’s Mom said:

Kristen,  I have thought about you and hoped you were doing well. 5 years and if you are like you hoped that time would heal. I know I have said it before but it doesn't heal all wounds. I feel like I have learned to hide the pain.  I question what I could have done differently too and why we never knew he had a heart disease. My eldest daughter hasn't dealt with her brothers loss either.  She will talk about him but won't visit the cemetery and rarely sheds a tear in my presence.  I wish she would open up with us. My youngest does and she still cries for him, I think that is healthy for her to release her emotions. I don't press my eldest,  she is pregnant and due at the end of July. I am sure others remember Skylar I think many people are afraid to mention them in front of us, that is the opposite of what I want. 

Peace and comfort, 

[Changed]

Carol,  I cannot believe that your grand baby is due at the end of next month - that sounds so close .  What a wonderful event to look forward to are you getting super excited?   Life is very different these days for us all but I find when I’m speaking to my grandson he takes all my attention and it is a relief to take a break from everything else.  
Virginia,  Four birthdays without Nique celebrating with you is so hard to take.   I’m trying very hard to treat David’s birthdays as something to celebrate, even if it’s in my own head or just a sentence to acknowledge how great it is that he was born, it’s the awful  period of time around his death that haunts me.   It’s a countdown towards that date and a constant visiting of memories , horrible memories, of everything connected to it.   In fact, I’ve had just been watching a programme about someone building their dream house and up pops the date - of course it’s November 2016 -  David was dying then and was gone before December -  I gave up watching the programme  and all I could think about  was that my amazing son is dead.   It’s there all the time and , like Carol, I keep the hurt to myself and do a lot of pretending.    I think I’m plastering over the pain but it’s only a thin layer and it just takes a little nudge to crack it .  
kristen,  Has the move felt useful to you?  It takes such a lot of effort and is quite an emotional act at the best of times - I’m not sure I could face it although I’d quite like the distraction.  Virginia moved to Florida and seemed to cope well even getting  a new job there too.  It is good to hear from you again - you were off to Europe when you were last here - did it go well ? Was it very spiritual ?

We visited my daughter and truly did enjoy the time with her - BBQs , music , chat - it felt happy and normal but as I sat there I noticed that I’d teared up without warning - it was the depressing  fact that David isn’t getting to do those same things and sadness overcame me.   I went to the loo to recover but the ‘happy’ had gone out of me - I suppose that is a mother thing.  What is the saying ‘a mother is only as happy as her saddest child’ that is so true and becomes more so when they are gone from us.  My daughter is ok when she talks about the fun things that David did - his travels or something from their growing up years but she is reluctant to talk of his death and her loss -  it’s her way to deal with it all .

kindest thoughts to you all,  Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, I am glad to did have some good time with your daughter,  yes I am getting excited to be a Grandmother. I know she will be a welcome addition to our family. Like you said there is a sadness too, Mason loved babies and little ones.  He would have been such a good uncle.

Peace and comfort to all,

Carol

[Mason’s Mom]

As the 4th of July approaches my heart hurts and I miss Mason a great deal. We have celebrated the holiday with close family friends since we married. Our kids grew up with the tradition and Mason loved them like family, he never missed a 4th of July with all of us. His absence makes it hard to carry on but they are true friends and I want to honor him and them by continuing the tradition. 

Just weeks away from the birth of my first grand daughter.  I am trying to stay positive and I know I will love her. I wish I could be the person I was before the loss of Mason. I hope I can be the Grandma she deserves. 

[Changed]

Carol, you will be the most lovely grandmother - there is no need to doubt that but I know what you mean.    
Of course your celebrations on the 4th July will be different than when Mason was there and you’re probably going to be doing a lot of pretending for everyone else’s sake and that in itself can be exhausting but there will be some pleasure and enjoyment - try to allow yourself that if you can.   It is quite surprising and complex how we react to joy these days - like a person we don’t recognise .
  I think that you will find that when your grandchild arrives the love you will feel will be so strong and undeniable that even the sadness you feel now will not stop you being truly happy when you are with her.
We all wish that something so awful had not happened to our child and that life was still as it was ‘before’.   I think a lot about David and how depressing it is that there is nothing I can do to make it not true that he is gone.  I know I will have to live with it and people will think that I’m back to normal - how wrong they are.  
I have friends that tell me that they are devastated that they haven’t seen their grown children for a couple of months because of covid 19 restrictions - It can only be because they have forgotten that David died and we would love him to be anywhere, alive and well, even if we couldn’t visit him.    It’s painful .  I cannot expect them to watch everything they say - David is not on their mind and they have moved on from the sensitivity of the early months.    That is normal .   
Take care,  I’ll be thinking of you on the 4th and please let us know when the baby arrives.  Roz

 

[Changed]

Wow - we have actually started a new page.  The pages used to fill so quickly but there is very little activity now.  That is a shame as there is a great deal of comfort to be found speaking to others who are going through this same sadness .

I’d like to think that they have found support elsewhere and are not on their own.

kindest thoughts everyone .  Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, you are right we are so different from our former selves. Our family tradition of Cook out and fireworks was held yesterday. On our way to our friends home my daughter was playing music and just before we arrived the song "time in a bottle " started to play. The first verse If I could save time in a bottle,The first thing that I'd like to Is to save everyday 'til eternity passes away
Just to spend it with you. Of course I teared up and told her I can't listen to this.  It took me a while to compose myself and I felt it put an even bigger damper on my day. The pretending is exhausting.  Praying my Grand daughter does bring me out of some 9f this fog.

[Changed]

I know that song.  It’s like we have formed a skin that keeps in our emotions but a song, a memory or a word of kindness and that skin is breached.   It’s all there , just under that skin, waiting to be exposed.

Hearing others saying that they feel the same way is reassuring  - that we are not  going crazy or failing to recover quickly enough to be acceptable.

 

 

[daveydow1]

Carol....congratulations on your expected new little grandchild.  One can't help but be thrilled

about the new little life.  Of course, we always think of the life that was lost......our own dear

children who left this world too soon.  May this little babe lift your spirits and warm your heart.

 

Roz, ...... You said it so well......that others can "move on" after the loss of your dear  David,

but not possible for you.  Others move on, forget....but we never will.  Our darlings will

always be in our hearts.  We will see them again someday.

 

Leah,....Wondering how you are doing these days. How is everything going?  I hope you

are doing well. ( I hope you see this post).  You may not be coming on the site much

anymore, and I have not been coming as frequently, it seems.  Anyhow,  dear friend....

I know that your sweet JaBoa would be 18 or so, but will always be your little grandbaby

at the age when time stood still.  I pray everything is going ok for you and your family. 

Take care.

PEACE   AND  COMFORT  TO  ALL .

       Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry 

 

[daveydow1]

Francelia,   I am very sorry for your loss of your dear son Kodi.....  ( I haven't been on the site for awhile),

so may have missed when you came on.  It is so understandable that you would be so effected by the

death of the young man who came into the trauma center.  Being a trauma nurse must be very difficult

at a lot of the time.  I am a retired nurse.  Glad that you are getting some helpful counseling....it does

help, I think. Please be kind to yourself, and take the small steps.....though I do know how difficult it is.

Peace to you.

     Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry