Loss of an Adult Child

[Mason’s Mom]

3 years ago our family set out for Chicag, all. 5 of us in the car for 10 hours.  We had tickets to a Cubs game,  we are big fans and the kids had never been to Wrigley field. We had such a good trip,  we enjoyed Navy Pier, the game was great with a WIN. On our way home we visited my husband`s family in Northern Indiana. I'm so grateful for those memories but it is so painful to know Mason won't be a part of making memories going forward.

[Changed]

Hello Lu,   Thank you for your words of encouragement - it’s hard to think that I will ever be genuinely happy again .

when I think of how I functioned in the months after my son , David, died I realise that I have come on a long way.  The shock, the nausea, the needing of an escape route if I went shopping - all of the horrible things that became so familiar.   I am now in better control of myself  (on the outside that is) but there is always the danger of something unexpected triggering those feelings again.      I heard a song being used on a TV ad’ the other week - I hadn’t heard it since just before Dave died - I wanted to vomit , the memory of that song and the time it was popular catapulted me back with such force - not only mentally but physically -  it really frightened me how powerful it was - how just a song could do that.   I guess that will always be there to some extent -  that danger of something we are not prepared for.

how I wish I could reset my life to a time when all was well - the everyday business of a family getting on with their lives with no thoughts of living without a precious child.   I would think that is something we all share.   Roz

[My girl is in heaven]

Yes Kristen, I have experienced the same.  The people, friends and family who I thought for sure would always be by my side, all desserted me, every single one.  But I think that says more about them, then it does us.  Find your comfort here , or with others who do truly care. where we all know the sadness and pain, we walk in each other shoes.  I used to dwell on every moment of that day too.  I used to think at least you got to Skylar and tried cpr and knew there was still nothing you could have done, where as I didn’t get to Kira in time to try, she was gone by the time I got there.  So I some how thought you had the better thoughts than me, cause you got there right away and didn’t.  But try not to obsess about that day anymore dear friend, I don’t now. Because what ever was meant to happen did, with or without our intervention.  Don’t let that one days memories block out all the glorious ones you have of your dear boy.  I know it’s hard but don’t turn to vices for a crutch.  Remember Kira was a big basketball star too, and I know her and Skylar are duking it out up there, cause there is no way Kira would let a boy beat her.  Are you still with your husband, is summer still at Western , have you quit your Pilates job.  Don’t let your whole life be torn apart Kristen.  You are a strong person, the fact that you are still here and standing shout those words out , your are a courageous, strong woman and will continue to be.  Please lean on me if you need to.  I can call you if you want, my email is luannej@rogers.com.  Hold on dear friend.  Your are so loved.  hugs Lu

[My girl is in heaven]

Roz   Yes there will always be those triggers.  Grocery items that seem to jump out at you, items you would be buying if your dear child was still there.  Those songs, those sites, smells, sounds that scream out at us.  My Kira hated the smell of citrus, so I can’t even peel an orange without a twinge in my gut.  The song “you raise me up”, by josh groban, throws me physically and mentally back to the funeral day and I just go running if that song comes on.  At first it’s just a pin hole of light that pokes thru in the form of hope, you probably won’t even notice, but it builds from there, and no life will never be the same for us, how could it be.  But there is hope and happiness to be found again.  It is long and at times lonely road, but never give up, there is always light to be found.  If you want to , tell me about your precious child.  I would love  to here all the things that made him so special.   

 

You all have to go thru  this sad journey of grief, ....but you never have to do it alone dear friends.....never alone.

 

hugs.  lu

[Somersky]

Songs... yes... for skylars service one of the songs was Coldplay’s “Sky full of stars” during his slideshow. I often look up for the brightest star in the “sky” and wonder. 

I have a few slips but I get up. I teach but take time off when necessary. I have set boundaries and I absolutely will not teach if I am not capable. It isn’t fair to myself nor to my clients. Dave ... I take a day at a time. Sadly Summer will be going back to Western in three weeks and it’s making me sad. I’m getting a bit nervous as I’m walking the last third of the Camino Trail at the beginning of October.... quite the endeavour.

Love to you all xoxoxo

[Changed]

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[peggy a sad mom]

thanks lu you always make a lot of sense 

peggy

[Mason’s Mom]

I find myself going between two emotions, I am either numb or so sad.  I try to keep myself busy, the more I do the less time to dwell on my grief.  A friend gave me a book for my birthday titled "Choose Joy", if only it were that simple.  It isn't that I choose to be numb or sad, I get up go to work, come home try to cook dinner and spend time with my family.  This takes a lot of energy, holding myself together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Some say you have to take time to grieve, I am afraid if I let my guard down and let the sadness in, I won't find my way back.  Not only would I not find my way back, I have my girls, husband and my mom.  They need to see that I am still here for them and that I love them. Summer is winding down, kids going back to school, the days are getting shorter and I have always struggled with the end of summer and now it is even worse.  The shorter daylight hours, dreary winter days are almost unbearable. It is so hard to crave the days of numbness, when I know I should cherish the time with my friends and family.

[daveydow1]

Hello  to  all  INDIGOS.......

As far as 'closure' goes......I feel as many of you feel,....that it doesn't happen as the

'experts' seem to think or tell you in books, speeches, etc.  For myself....it is not

closure as much as just being resigned to the fact.  Yes, we do proceed with life

without our darlings, but the word closure seems to convey the meaning that with 'closure',

we could breathe a sign of relief and be over it.  Of course, we all know this is not

how it works. Not at all.   We could have 'closure' for some things, such as losing a job,

having a falling out with someone, or even other things like financial problems or

failed relationships.  But losing a beloved children is altogether different.  In time,

it does soften, but the longing for them, and missing them is always there.....and

so is the LOVE.   

 Take care all my friends.  Wishing you comfort on this journey.

 

Davey&Lisasmom........sherry

 

[Somersky]

There is a spot on the Camino trail that you leave a rock... the rock is to have significance... you usually bring it from where you are from ie: it’s special (Cruz de Ferro) pictures. It just so happens Skylar loved playing on white rock beach and picked up this special rock and saved it and kept it in his bookcase... until the day he passed. In this picture he is holding his rock. This will be the rock that I leave in Spain .... seems it was meant to be.

[Somersky]

This is the area of the Camino trail where you leave your rock. I am going with a friend who had her daughter the same time I had Skylar. 

 

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[Changed]

Sherry,     You are right in what you are saying and how it really is.    I feel as if I’m going backwards in the past few days and struggling with it all.     Roz

[NiquesMom]

I got a glimpse of heaven last night.  It was bright but it felt like a hug, I felt so peaceful like I haven't in a long time.  I can't remember who I saw,  there were feet,  like I was looking up at them.  I said "I see you!" I know heaven is the most peaceful place and can't wait to be reunited with everyone I love. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  wow that is great. Peace is what we all need, it is good to hear that you got to experience those feelings. I finally dreamed about Mason,  but it was like in my dream I knew he shouldn't be with us and I pushed him away rather than enjoying the time with him. It left me depressed and feeling so out of sorts.  I had wanted to dream about him then when I finally did, I pushed him away. Thanks for sharing your experience it gives me hope. 

[Mason’s Mom]

How is everyone? Still struggling ,today was particularly hard. Wish I could just give up and give in. Without my family I don'tthink I would have a  reason to keep moving forward.

[NiquesMom]

Hi mason's mom, everyday is up and down for me.  Without my husband and son I think I would have a very hard time finding a reason to continue.  Use whatever gives us a reason to go on, right?

My son has been in therapy since June, doing much better.  She thinks my moods are affecting his, so I am trying to be as even keeled as I can be.  So then, what does he say?  My mom doesn't miss my sister (because I don't cry all the time)!  I cant win for losing.  I know he is only 6, but nothing i do is the right thing. I know his therapist thinks I need my own therapy, but I don't.  She asked me what makes me happy and that's when I said I am mainly even keeled, blah, just going on.  And she says "I know people who have had much harder tragedies than yours and have been able to find joy again."  I know I have happy moments but I will never be back to the pure joy I had with my family in its entirety. I like her, she has helped my son, but that comment can only come from a person who does not understand the life changing pain this caused. 

Anyways, can't wait for the heat to lift, its been a hot summer. Glad that school is back in session. Trying to plan some mini-vacations for the school holidays, and then we are planning to travel home for christmas (which is also Niques second angeldate) and I would really like to just cancel the trip.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all.....

Roz-----I so know what you mean. We often feel as though we are

backsliding, and it can put us in a dark place.  But,  we actually still have

those steps forward that we have taken. I don't think we lose those 

forward steps....even though they may seem like small steps..... They are 

steps nonetheless.  At the times we feel so low, we are somehow pressed

into taking that next step ahead. Hang on, friend. Our angels are always

with us.

Masonsmom----Yes, we always hope to have dreams of our darlings, but

sometimes they are not what we would expect, or the way we want them

to be, I guess.  I, too, have had dreams of my angels, that left me wanting

more clarification....they had left  me somehow a bit confused. Just keep

knowing that your dear son is smiling down on you.  I think that we are 

not meant to understand everything about dreams, but they are still a

connection to our darlings.

 

Virginia----Glad to know that Kyle is getting help.  Bless his little heart. 

 

Somersky-----thanks for that dear pic of Skylar and his favorite rock. It

will be so meaningful to leave a rock at the Camino Trail site. Your dear

son will be looking down with love.

 

WISHING  PEACE  AND  COMFORT  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

 

[Somersky]

❤️

[Mason’s Mom]

Sherry,  thanks for understanding. 

Virginia,  I am glad your son is getting therapy and sometimes it does feel like there is no right way to grieve. I try to stay as positive as possible with my girls both are a little older and can understand the dark days. It may be true someone else may appear to have had " harder tragedies " however until you experience the loss of a child you can't understand the depth of pain that we feel. I may smile or laugh from time to time but there is deep pain that surfaces and I don't ever feel likeI did before we lost Mason. One day sometimes one hour at a time keep moving forward for Kyle. 

Two weeks until Mason’s birthday,  we should be planning time with him and shopping for this year's gift. Instead we plan dinner to remember him. My big,  strong willed BIG hearted boy with the smile that just made you happy, I remember you everyday. 

[daveydow1]

Hello  to  All....

I have been having computer troubles...(GRrrr)....so haven't been able

to get on here.   I hope the technical problems will settle down.

Hoping that everyone is doing alright.  I know that  there are 'better days',

and bad days....for everyone.  We are not the same people we used to be before

our angels left this world too soon. But I hope as the days, weeks, etc. pass,

that strength will come back in small, but positive amounts..

   Remember,  our angels are always with us.

 

WISHING PEACE  AND TRANQUILITY  TO  ALL.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry      

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Today is Mason’s 23rd birthday. So painful,  we visited the cemetary my husband and youngest daughter.  I left a small birthday balloon and Maddie bought a small lantern. Mason was afraid of the dark. I miss him so much. 

[NiquesMom]

Happy birthday Mason!  Big hugs mama!

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  thanks so much. 

[daveydow1]

Hello  to   all   INDIGOS

HAPPY   HEAVENLY  BIRTHDAY, ......MASON...ANGEL.

Masonsmom.....I'm sorry I missed Mason's birthday. I had

been feeling low myself, as my Davey's birthday was Sept. 26...

sad time of year for us. I am always melancholy in the fall months

with David's birthday, and for Lisa's angel day in Nov. At least

we can all come here, and know that we have so much understanding.

Our angels are always with us, and smiling down from heaven.

 

About those 'triggers'......yes, I think that we all know how they

can sneak up on us, and strike in an instant.    I, too, know how songs,

sights, people, etc. that can set the tears in motion.... heading for

the exit when shopping etc.  I guess these things hurt so much because 

of our undying love for our darlings.  The love is always there in our hearts.

 

WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

 

[Changed]

Hello Sherry,    You are right it is because we love our children so much that it wounds so deeply if we lose them .  They should not have gone before us - it’s just not right.   No wonder our heads are full of angst and our hearts weep.

I have had a really bad couple of months - as I write I am in Australia meeting up with my only grandchild, my David’s son - it is lovely to see him but my son should be here too.  In fact, we should not be here at a resort with our grandson and his mother but we should be at my son’s home just doing an annual family visit.  With David taking us out and about or just chilling.   It puts it all into sharp focus.   Everything stopped, everything changed.

i think we must have had our children about the same time, Sherry.   You have lived and carried grief for many years, I’m so sorry.

Roz x

[Changed]

Mason’s mom,   I hope Mason’s 23rd wasn’t too difficult for you.   It’s wonderful that he was born that day, that he existed , but beyond sad that he is not there to celebrate normally with you all .   I know , it is cruel.   I hope you found peace.

For those whose child ‘s birthday is the same date as their angel date I cannot think how hard that must be to live with.   I always think that nothing is worse than our children not being here anymore - just more layers of distress to deal with along the way - but nothing worse.

please take care, Roz x

 

[Mymy31i]

Hi everyone. It's been awhile. Since my daughter's murder last year, I have just been existing. The trial for her killer began on Monday. I cannot describe how horribly this week has gone. My child died for absolutely nothing. Nothing but the whim of someone evil.

The prosecutor has told us it may be Tuesday when the case is given to the jury and I pray that it is. I am set to testify today to talk about who she was as a person. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted and I am so worried that I will not be able to properly convey to them just how special she was. 

May 18, 2018 marks the worst day of my life. I was sitting in court, watching the killer and his family, and thinking about how as horrible and life-changing Ashleigh's death was for me, it won't be for them. I mean, God willing, he will be convicted and spend the rest of his life in prison, but these people--these subhumans--do not care that she is gone. They do not care that my grandchild will grow up without her mother. They only care how much they can bargain from the system. They are gambling with the value of my child's life. It's sickening. 

Mason's mom and Davey, birthdays are difficult. I spent my daughter's thinking how unfair it was that she didn't to see 25. I pray that both of you were able to find comfort in the good memories you undoubtedly have of your children. 

Changed, I have the exact same feeling about my daughter and her child. She should've been here for the first day of school, plays, pre-k graduation, holidays. Please take comfort in knowing that even though your son is not there, you are. You knew your child better than anyone else on this planet and it is because of this, his child will know him, too. Your grandchild will cherish every single memory that you give him to hold of your precious child. 

 

[Changed]

 Mymy31i.      What a living nightmare you are going through - I feel so sorry for you - all this to face on top of losing your precious child.     There are some truly evil people about - I do hope that he is dealt with by the courts with all the weight that they are able to use - although , I know, it doesn’t turn back the clock  and bring your child back to you,     I had to do jury service last year here in the uk - it is astounding the characters who walk amongst us and the devastating pain and suffering they cause - I found it very difficult to comprehend how vile the men in the cases I sat on were,     It will be so much harder for you as it is so heartbreakingly personal.

i will be thinking of you and trust that you will find the strength to do what you have to do.    Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Mymy31i, I am so sorry that you have to relive your daughters death through a trial. I hope you find peace and justice. 

Mason’s angel date is December 17th. So he didn't pass on his birthday instead it was a few days before Christmas.  Makes the holidays very difficult. 

ROz, cherish your grandson.  I have often wondered what it would be like if Mason had a child. Would it help or make it harder.  I will never know. 

Sherry,  fall must be hard for you too but you find it in yourself to offer encouragementioned to us. Thanks. 

I haven't visited for a few weeks just to much happening and not enough energy to read or post. 

 

[NiquesMom]

Today has hit me hard. Not sure why. I can go weeks without crying, but this morning I could not stop the tears. If I could cal her, I would tell her "I miss you so much Nique. I wish I had done so many things differently. I was young and didnt know better, didnt feel like I had anyone to help me since my mom was gone. I am trying to do better with your brother, but feel like I am failing him too. Please send me support, I feel like I am drowning today."  Cant say this to my husband, so thank you forlistening.

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  I understand I can hold it together for the most part and suddenly I feel like I am slipping back in time and wound is still so raw. I  have been told after the first year and all the first holidays and the first anniversary of losing them pass it will be easier.  I am not feeling that right now. We all wish we could have done things differently, no one is perfect.  I wish I could take back harsh words and some actions but Mason knew I loved him and that is what matters most. Cling to the good. 

[Changed]

Virginia,    Drowning is exactly what it feels like and it is a terrible struggle to keep going but keeping going is what you have to do.    We all understand how you are feeling only too well.    

Soon after my son died I was at his home over Christmas - I played with his son, my grandchild - board games , puzzles,  beach games.    It felt so weird just weeks after his dad had died trying to have ‘fun’ but he was a little boy and although we all had many tears and attempts at explanations about what had happened there were moments when we had to show him  that it was ok to still feel  a sort of ‘happy ‘ as well as all the sadness and anger.   It was very difficult and confusing.   I felt massive guilt -  how dare I do normal things for whatever reason - I still feel that way when I do anything that borders on jolly.   

You sound as if you are doing incredibly well taking care of your son , you have made sure he has had lovely trips like you did for his sister when she was little ,  you are doing your best.    It’s natural to make mistakes when we are bringing up our children and it can torture you when that child is not there to talk things through.

You really have to be kind to yourself.   Forgive yourself for anything that you feel the need to.   Know that your daughter would want to see you and her brother thrive as if she were still there.   I hope that you are feeling stronger and less overwhelmed today.   

Roz x

 

[Gail 8588]

My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered the loss of a child.

Peace, 

Gail

[Mymy31i]

The trial lasted a bit more than a week. Guilty. They convicted in less than 20 minutes. It was all on video. Even if it weren't, they had his jailhouse conversations with his mother in which he laughed about having a "third eye" that guided him in shooting my child in the head. It was sickening. It was infuriating. They gave him life, but he will be eligible for parole after 30 years. Since he's been locked up for a year, it will be 29. 

I thought the trial would give me some sense of closure. It felt like that the day the sentence was decided. However, every day since has felt like that first day when I got the call she had been shot. I'm barely hanging on here. I keep telling myself that my other daughter and my grandchild need me, but I'm scared. I don't know how much longer I have left. I just keep reliving everything that I saw and heard during the trial. 

All of this has broken my faith. I feel so alone. No one seems to understand and it seems like everyone has just moved on. Meanwhile, I feel like my heart is broken into pieces. I'm tired. 

NiquesMom, I am so sorry. I had my daughter at a young age and I think many of the things you do. It's hard not to replay every decision you made as a parent. None of us thought we wouldn't have all the time in the world needed to make everything just so. I don't know the words needed, but I want you to know I understand. 

Roz, thank you so much. The assistant district attorney told me before the trial to not expect any remorse from that being. He showed none. He laughed. His family took pictures of him in front of my child's picture that they had on display for the jury to see her. I will never forget any aspect of the trial. 

Mason's Mom, thank you for your words. I pray that the holidays are a bit easier for you.

 

[daveydow1]

Mymy31i-----How absolutely horrible.....your having to be in the courtroom with the killer of your

child.  What a terrible nightmare.  Then, to know that the killer had no remorse for the heinous act

that he did.....just excruciating.  I'm glad that he was found guilty, and will be in prison. I understand

your fear and anger that he could be out of prison in 30 years,  but that may not happen.  the prosecutor's

office will have something to say about  that, and they often tell the parole board not to release someone

who committed such a horrific crime.  Also,  it depends on his behavior while in prison. Being an evil individual

like he is......he will no doubt have trouble in prison, and it will go on his record.  I pray that you can

find some small measure of comfort in the times to come, but your daughter will always be with you,

and your memories will help you.  No one can take our memories of our angels away from us.  Peace to you.

 

Masonsmom,-----Oh, my friend,....Mason's Angel Day so close to Christmas is so sad, and understandable

that the holidays are painful.  The milestones in our Angel's lives are forever etched in our minds & hearts.

Thinking of you in the days and weeks ahead, and sending prayers for your heart and spirit.

 

Virginia-----I agree with "Changed", and the advice she gave.  We must be kind to ourselves in this grief

process...no matter where we are at in the timeline.  There is no "rule book" on how to handle the death of 

a child.....no one could ever write one because everyone grieves in their own way, and there is no schedules.

Nique will be with you always.......by your side,.... as all our angels will.  Peace, my friend.

 

Thank you Gail.

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry    

[Mason’s Mom]

[Changed]

Mymy31i,   How on earth did you contain yourself in court ?      That man is pure evil and his family behaving in such an uncaring way is disgusting.    
What he did to your daughter and having it all so graphically shown to you must be devastating .

The case is done and he is locked away, thank goodness, but you now have to carry all of that with you on top of your grief.  No wonder you are exhausted.      
I hope that you are able , at some point, to separate your daughters life from her terrible end and that man.    That is not going to be easy - it’s hard enough to peer through the grief without the added horrible images you are flooded with.      You have cleared a huge hurdle and you can now grieve without the legal side of things taking so much of what little energy you have.
  Please know that I care about you and your daughter and I am sure the others here do too.

Roz

 

[Changed]

Mason’s mom,     That was a lovely idea - May I ask what the slice of timber meant?     
Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

ROz, Mason loved to be out doors.  He was on the timber judging team for FFA ( future farmers of America) as well as the chapter president as a Sr in high school. The cap and sunglasses were Mason’s.  Morgan wore one of his shirts while her hair was styled and her makeup applied. She said it was the closest to a hug she could have and she needed him with her. I have to say I believe he was there. It had rained all morning and just before she left the cabin to walk to the ceremony the rain stopped and we were able to get the photos outside that she wanted. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Mymy31, I can't even imagine the  pain you have experienced during the trail. People talk about closure as if you will feel an immediate relief,  however for those of us that have lost a child I am not sure there is every true closure. I hope you can rest easier knowing our justice system did work.  I saw a therapist for a while to help me learn to focus on other things rather than the the hours and days following Mason’s death. I understand the mind running a continuous loop and feeling like you have no control.  I'm not saying my mind doesn't go there but it helped me learn techniques to calm myself. If you can get some counseling or therapy I recommend it. If not,  keep coming back there are so many kinds and understanding people here that offer encouragement and hope as they have traveled the journey longer than some of us. Take care of yourself cherish your grandchild and tell her about her mom. 

[Changed]

Mason’s mom.       That is so beautiful.  Sad but comforting.   Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

The photographer for Morgan's wedding has known our family for years.  When she positioned us for this picture and told my husband to leave space between himself and Morgan,  I thought it was to symbolize a missing family member.  I had know idea until she sent this to me, what she planned.  I cried and it still brings tears and a hug knot in my throat but I am so glad she put him in the picture because he was certainly with us.

[NiquesMom]

That is so beautiful!

[daveydow1]

Masonsmom------Lovely wedding picture, and such a kind & thoughtful

photographer.    

 

Leah----How are you?  I have not been on here as often lately, and 

just wondering how you are doing.  Thinking of you and little angel JaBoa.

wishing you peace.

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry 

[rlolheiser]

I haven't been on in forever.  So sad for so many new parents.  Sherry the first post I saw was yours inquiring on me, very sweet, thank you.  Not sure I will get back far to read.  Working off a tablet.  Thanks to all my old friends who have thought of me and helped.  We just passed JaBoa  being gone thirteen years on Oct 30th.  Hard to believe she has been gone so long because not a day goes by we don't share our love with her.  It still hurts but we have learned to go on.  Her sister is still with me, she will graduate this coming May.  So many things have changed except the love.

I hope that all families find the inner peace..it is hard to do sometimes..  some days I still slip into darkness and miss her so.  

My health has been a process.  I am still down in my weight, and had one knee replaced.  The other one will be done on Dec 2nd.  My son turned 16 and it has been a new experience with teenage love..  Keeps me busy.

I just wanted to say that my heart is with you all even those I have not met.  I know the sadness. From the grandma side of this and the side of watching my daughter caught up in a world of sorrow.  It's not easy for anybody and I really do pray everybody strength 

[Mason’s Mom]

Last night I was searching for warmer clothes as the artic air moves in. I had stored some things in Mason’s closet, I looked down and saw a pair of his boots. Took my breath away and sent me back to that physical heart rendering pain. The boots are huge Mason wore a size 13 and sometimes 14 depending on brand.  The boots are so worn, it breaks my heart to think he wore these so long. He went through some tough times and was to proud to admit defeat, come home and let us help. I don't want to throw the boots out , they are so worn I can't donate them. I just needed to talk to someone and many of my friends would not understandyhe physical and emotional pain of just seeing those boots and wishing he could be here so I could talk to him and tell him that he never has to face hard and dark times.  I pray he us waiting for me in heaven and he is happy. He touched so many people With his big heart. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, peace to as well. I think struggle with faith in couldn't pray for awhile after Masons passed. I had begged God to breathe life back into him. I had always prayed for my kids health and safety. I felt very uncomfortable praying the same for my girls. My prayers for Mason had gone unanswered. I feared praying for them. I would ask others to pray on my behalf. I have gotten better but I am still not the person I was before. I want more than anything to see my boy again and for our family to feel whole. I hope you keeping seeking your faith and it gets restored. 

I have seen and felt God's presence and Masons as well in the past 2 years.  I  feel the whip-poor-will'so showing up  and singing when I was at my lowest could not be a coincidence.  Mason always thought it sounds like skip the buttercup.  They were all around me and the loudest I had ever heard. My daughter found a little toy truck on the school roof. She was working  a summer job and to climb on the roof and check the gutters.  She is afraid of ladders and heights  as she went back to go back down the ladder she saw the toy. If would have been in her path when she climbed to the top, but didn't see it. It was his favorite John Deere work Truck.  She feels that Mason put it there to let her know he is watching and protecting her. Maybe we are just wanting a connection but both times it left us feeling better. 

[Changed]

Mason’s mom - they were really precious moments for you both and a lovely gift.     It’s true we are not who we were and will probably never be so again - how could we after something so devastating?  but I hope we can find some rest from the painful ache of the loss of our children and get our footing back.   I pretend all the time to be happier than I really am and seem to function above or removed from the grief - if I were to go deeper and truer I’d be terrifying everyone.    Children and animals do take me the closest to real pleasure though so there is some hope and I will hang on to that for now.

Take care, Roz