Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Changed------I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, David.  This site is a place

where others understand, firsthand, your grief and your loss.  there are so many

ups & downs on this journey.....mostly downs in the early times.....but we understand.

My son's names was David, too.....he died in a terrible highway crash in 2003.  I hope

you will keep coming back here to read, or post whenever you want to.  There are

no real 'rules' ......everyone just reads and posts at their own pace.  Wishing you

peace.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

[Changed]

That is very kind of you Sherry

[Mason’s Mom]

Sherry, thanks for the response. My hope is to see and hold my boy once again.  I remember him when he was a toddler,  he would say "I want to hold you" now I hold on to those precious memories because I couldn't deny him.

Kristen each time I read your story it reminds me how much our stories are similar.  My daughters would tease me about spoiling Mason,  he had asthma as a small child and was such a hand full he took a lot of energy. I don't know what to do with the emptiness. I find myself staying busy.

The 2nd annual golf tournament is this coming Saturday.  Lots of preparation to keep me busy.  I am off work this week so out of routine shakes me up a bit.

Changed, keep coming back there is a lot of help from others who are wonderful and help lead us forward with kindness and understanding. 

[daveydow1]

Masonsmom-----Oh, I know what you mean. The memories of when our darlings were

little and needed us so much are particularly bittersweet to bring to mind. I remember once

when we had a pet that died...David was about 3 or 4 yrs. old....and I was trying to explain to

him that things die.  He asked me   "Will I die"?    Of course I was at a loss for any words

that caught in my throat, and tears in my eyes.  I think I told him "Not for a long long time,

Davey".  .   Yes, we can benefit from routine on the grief road. It somehow helps keep us

from going off the rails. Keeping busy does help, I have found....over the years. 

This site helps too, because everyone understands. Good luck with the golf tournament.

 

Changed-----thinking of you and wishing you well. If you decide to come back

anytime in the future.....you are always welcome to this site.  Take care.

 

PEACE  AND COMFORT  TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom----sherry

[Changed]

I’m still here, Sherry, I am free to talk about my own feelings here but not about my sons life as much as I did in my original posts - he was married and that means sharing details about David’s life inadvertently means that I am sharing details about someone else’s  too  - but without their permission.    Emotions run high don’t they? 

I hope you are all coping with life as best you can.  This week is taking its toll on me as our house has builders in and they will be here for a couple of weeks.  I’m being friendly and overbright  but it’s all fake and after a day or two of that I’m getting a bit weepy.  My character has always been a happy one, lots of laughs , but losing Dave has knocked that out of me.  I try to show a bit of ‘happy’ for the sake of others but I feel guilty when I do.  I expect that will alter as time goes by - please tell me it doesn’t stay like this.  

It’s  quite moving how you all care for each other here.  I can feel it - an understanding , an empathy.    I only really talk to my husband about our loss.  My adult daughter doesn’t want to go deep and so , in the main, we keep clear .  Friends, or at least those I thought were friends,  have backed off .  I occasionally get a call but it’s not easy for them .  It’s another kind of loss I guess .

Roz

 

[Mason’s Mom]

OAnother golf tournament in the books.  I have really stressed over it this year, the weather was great.  It had rained daily the week prior to the tournament.  I  think that is Mason sending his approval.  I think he would be happy to see everyone having fun and giving young people a helping hand with the proceeds.I know I have said how important it is for people to remember my boy as it breaks my heart to think he will be forgotten however it is hard all the planning,  getting sponsors and everything else involved. It is a reminder to me that he is really gone and that pain is still so Strong I have to remind myself to breathe. 

I think of many of you often,  I don’t post every time I visit sometimes I just need to read the post and know I am not alone.

Peace to each of you. 

[daveydow1]

Changed......Good to see your post.  The way things go on this

site....... about reading/posting,  is that we all do whatever we feel we

want to do.  When I first came to this site in 2003, ...I only read...did

not post for quite some time, almost a year as I recall.  Somehow, I just

wanted to remain in the shadows, but found that reading the posts gave

me a flicker of hope,...people felt the way I felt.  So later, I then came on as a

member.  Other members, throughout the 16 yrs. I have been on here, reads & posts

as they wish.  No hard & fast rules.  We've always joined in reading and posting at our

own personal speeds.  Also, no requirements as to what we post. Just

whatever one feels comfortable with.  So, we're glad that you found this

site, and I'm now wishing you peace on this  journey, with everyone

here, who understands.   Peace to you,  friend.

 

Masonsmom......So glad that there was good weather for the golf tournament.

I, so, understand your feelings of sadness and despair.  We never want our

dear angels to be forgotten.  While we may feel others are forgetting,  (and

this hurts, for sure),  they may just not want to mention our darlings for fear

of bringing sorrowful feelings up.....But, our dear angels are ALWAYS there

within our hearts & souls,  so they will NEVER be forgotten. I know many words

do not bring much solace, especially in the early times on this grief road, but

in time, the pain and sorrow does 'soften', and our memories of our angels

become, more & more,...  our treasures to soothe us.  The memories are ours alone,

and no one can take them away from us.  Mason surely smiled down positive

thoughts and love for the nice weather for the golf tournament.

Wishing you comfort .

 

WISHING   PEACE    AND   TRANQUILITY  FOR  ALL  INDIGOS 

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry 

   

[peggy a sad mom]

hi everyone. i haven't been on lately i see roz is and new. i tried to read everything but i'm confused as usual when did your child pass? my son was 44 and passed almost 18 month's ago. i have lot's of dark day's but i also have some good days. it is even so hard to believe the difference in the two. i could be ok for a few days then i feel like i was stabbed right through the chest. i hate that this happened to us all. this is the most final thing in life and you can never never do anything about it. on here we know everyone understands everything. yes i believe family just wants us (better) it won't happen we just pretend then get on here.

sorry everyone

peggy 

[daveydow1]

Peggy-----I agree----family and friends do want us to just 'get better'.  Of course,

we know that we will never be back to how we were before our darlings left this

world way too soon.  All the ups & downs on this road are so very difficult, to say

the least.  As many have called it.....a wild roller coaster ride  We long for just

some rest and peace from our sorrow and distress.  To have a few better days,

here & there, is a good thing, and we should welcome those times without feeling

guilty.  Our angels would not want us to be sad all the time.  I hope that you will be

having more of those days, here & there.  You are so new on this road......it may seem

as though there are more sad days, than days a bit more positive,...and that is so

natural in the early times on this journey.  Many words have little comfort, and as

you say......we often times put on a brave front and may appear upbeat. This can

happen when we are actually in our deepest dark place.  The best thing that helped

me was coming here and reading what others had to say, and understanding that

their words were the words of someone who knew, firsthand, the sorrow and despair

of losing a beloved child.  When my baby Lisa, died many years ago,.....there was nothing

like this site to go to.  We were not even referred to a group for grieving folks, so 

we just had to go it alone.  Any parent who comes to this site is no longer alone. We may 

feel lonely, but we are not alone.  Everyone understands.   Peace to you, friend.

PEACE   TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry

[Changed]

Hi,

 Peggy,  my son , David, died at the end of 2016 - he was the same age as your own son.    He was married and lived in Australia with a young son of his own .  I am married and live in England.   Dave was an adventurer and travelled and worked abroad for many years before he met his wife and settled in Australia.  I was used to him not being around , unlike yourself, and this has complicated my grief and the acceptance and reality of his death.

Although I am new to posting here I have read posts for a long time now but never felt able to speak.   There is a strength and comfort to be had with others who , sadly, can empathise with the pain of one’s loss all too well.

Roz 

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

Today, my Brian would be 28 years old.  He became an angel at 16.  Even though the searing pain is no longer present, the missing is monumental. 

I wish I could respond to each person on here and tell you this horrible pain will not persist.   We learn to weave this grief into our lives.

I send my love to all of you and you gorgeous babies. 

Colleen, Brian's mother forever 

[Changed]

Hello Colleen,   Your son looks so lovely in your photograph.   I don’t know how you mark Brian’s birthday - or what your beliefs are but I hope that you are peaceful today  .

Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Colleen, I hope you had a peaceful day and that other people remember it is Brian's birthday. 

How do others handle your child's birthday? As a family,  grandparents,  Aunts,  Uncles and cousins we all went to dinner on Mason’s birthday last year.  It was the first since he passed. I asked every one to do something for someone else as an act of kindness in his honor.  No matter how big or small.  Mason had such a kind heart and I want that to be a part of his legacy. 

Forever Mason’s Mom

[shorty16]

Mason's mom,

That celebration of Masons life is perfect.  Spread kindness.

Our child's birthday is such a deeply personal experience.   After Brian died, his birthday became a difficult day.  Still is.  We are very quite and allow each other to do what we feel is best.  No actual birthday parties here.  Too hard.

Colleen, Brian's mother forever 

[Steve s mom]

Hi

[NiquesMom]

Happy birthday Steve!  Big hugs mama

[Mason’s Mom]

Happy belated birthday Steve. 

[peggy a sad mom]

omg i was going to write personal notes to each of you but there is just so many things going on. thank you sherry and roz for answering. for me i am having good day's. but when it's bad it's bad. someone wrote the other day ( a mom) when your heart stopped my heart broke forever. i can't stop saying that in my head. that's the best way i know how to put it. birthdays are so hard and 2 of you had one this week. everyone on facebook not our page keeps saying things like if you are in pain don't worry god will pick you up and all things that mean the same thing. how could that be true? there is nothing he or anyone else could do to fix us from this. yes my son lived with me for most of his 44 yrs. i would imagine we all feel the same thing in different way's. they are gone from us. sorry

peggy

[Somersky]

It’s been a sad time...I miss Skylar so much .... 

[Mason’s Mom]

Seems like we are all really down right now. Just returned from vacation,  we took Maddie to Disney World and Universal in Orlando.  My husband and I wanted one last vacation before she starts college. The last time we had gone to Orlando we had all three kids and those thoughts just kept going through my head. So far from home but so many reminders of when our family was whole. The Saturday before we left both my girls were bridesmaids for a friend that grew up along side them and Mason. I cried through most of the wedding knowing Mason should be there too.

Now it is time to buckle down and wrap up Morgan'S wedding, October is fast approaching but I am having trouble finalizing everything. 

My heart aches for each of you, as the seasons pass without our most precious children. 

Wishing for peace. 

[Mason’s Mom]

So I have really been struggling with how I spend my time.  I want to spend every minute I have with my husband and daughters.  We are all working a full time job and Maddie, my youngest has to work some evenings and weekends and I know in a few months she is leaving for college and has to stay on campus.  It is just over an hour from home but she has to stay all week and will have to work as well.  Morgan our eldest is getting married in a few months and spends a lot of time with her fiance.  I know all these things are normal but I feel guilty when I don't spend every moment I can with them.  Today I worked, left home at 6:45 AM and didn't get home until after 7 PM. Some friends were having a little party for their daughter that just graduated, Maddie went but I am just to tired.  Morgan is with her fiance and my husband is fishing.  I am restless and feel like I should have gone to the party, what if something were to happen to Maddie and I wasted my time by coming home when I could be with her.  At night I go to bed earlier than everyone else because I work a lot of hours and I am exhausted.  I feel guilty and have trouble sleeping, what if something happens to any of them and again I have wasted the time I could be with them.  I know the last night I saw Mason I rushed away to get to a store before it closed.  I can't say how many times I have thought why didn't I stay as long as he did, I would love to have a time machine and go back, I would have stayed until I saw his tail lights disappear. 

Do others feel this way or is it just me?  

Quote

 

 

[NiquesMom]

Hi Masons Mom

I feel this way, but I also know I cannot wait to see my daughter again. So it is a struggle to want to spend every moment with my husband and son, and to want to see my daughter so much that I cannot breathe sometimes. I try to tell myself all I can do is my best, and when something happens, I know we will all be together again one day in heaven. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia, 

It is like being trapped between 2 world's. I sometimes have thoughts that I want to die. I still struggle with feeling confident that Mason is in heaven waiting on us. Sometimes these feelings are overwhelming and then sometimes I think he would be so mad at me for doubting. I don't share these thoughts anymore because some family members got upset.

What if I am not good enough?

[NiquesMom]

You have the same thoughts and feelings I do.  I know my son needs me (and that's why I keep getting up each morning), but if I die I know he will be OK. It would be hard but there is supposed to be something to learn from every adversity. So it would hopefully help him grow. I know I have grown since my daughter died, and maybe that's why she left me, I don't know. What I believe is that when we die, we will be given a choice and I know I will choose heaven, because I know my daughter and parents are waiting for me.  I don't think it is a matter of being good enough here on earth, it is making that choice when we leave earth (again just my personal beliefs and what helps get me through each day).  I try to help people when I can, make the good choice (not always the easy one). I know I cannot do great things, so I try to do small things in a big way. If someone smiles when they think of me, than I have done enough. Maybe. Who knows. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia, 

I have always believed you ask for forgiveness and seek GOD to be in heaven. My beliefs and thoughts get all jumbled up. The fear of never seeing him again are so powerful.  My husband tells me I shouldn't doubt and I should have more faith. But my world has been turned upside down and doubt creeps in and spreads. You say you can't do great things but you are comforting me by helping me know you have the same thoughts. I haven't shared my  feelings or thoughts like this anywhere but here. Like I said I have said a few things to my husband but he struggles too and I want to burden him.Great things can be small gestures that have a big impact.  We never know what is going on in the lives of others and how those seemingly small acts can grow and spread.  Thanks for responding. 

 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

I talk to Mason every day.  I tell him I love him and some days I talk longer. My day is incomplete if I don’t tell him how much I love him.

[NiquesMom]

I talk to Nique everyday, even if the only thing I say is "I miss you" or "I love you". I believe she can hear me, I know I struggle everyday, bu I will continue until I die. I know if I say my thoughts out loud people would think I was suicidal, but I am not. I just don't worry about my death like I used to. I was worried of leaving Nique because I knew how much she needed me (her dad was useless), I don't worry about my son as much because he has his dad (my husband is a wonderful father).  I know I give my son things that his dad doesn't but I also believe if I died my husband would try to do the things I do for Kyle. So it's not that I am trying to die, but not worried about it.  It's kind of liberating actually.  Anyways, I hope we all find peace in one way or another, I am only 19 months in and not looking forward to 30+ years (I am only 39) of missing Nique. But I know people do it: my parents lost an infant son when they were in their 20's and mom was 50 when she died and dad was 64 when he died. I wish they were here for me to talk to, get guidance, but I also know they are with my daughter. And one day I will be there too.

[Somersky]

I think it’s cruel that i cannot ever see Skylar again. I think it’s cruel that he was taken me on his 20th birthday! I think it’s cruel that I lost my best friend (my brother) at age 20 in a car accident. I had to be present in skylars death and sometimes I wonder if that if this is some sort of sick punishment. I will never understand and I often try to find reason and understanding.... as to why???

[Changed]

Kristen, I don’t know either.  It is cruel and alters every aspect of us and our lives.  To have lost your brother at the same age as your Skylar  must feel unreal.   I am so sorry.

 My head goes around and around in disbelief that my son could be dead , in fact, it is literally unbelievable .   We were days away from flying out to visit him and his family in Australia for Christmas 2016.  Our cases were full of gifts and British snacks and chocolate for David - just like he always asked us to bring.   We still had to make that journey - days of it from where we live to them - but with a very different purpose .  My daughter here helped me unpack it all and she took them to a homeless charity - all I could keep asking for days on end was where had David gone?,  but where has he gone?    It was a very dark time and thinking of it is painful , at the time I must have been in shock - we all were -  that numbing allowed us to get there and do what we had to do.  He was so lovely - it makes no sense.  

Be kind to yourselves, Roz

[Changed]

This painting Is how I hope it will be....

[Mason’s Mom]

Kristen,  it seems we have so much in common especially the death of our sons. 

Roz, my son died just days before Christmas 2017. I unwrapped a pair of boots that was supposed to be a  gift and buried him in them. Mason was only 21 and had a rare heart disease so unexpected. 

The pain and shock is still hard to comprehend. I think I struggle with the why, why, why.

I wish we could all find peace. I am so very tired of just existing and living with this pain.

[Changed]

Mason’s mom,    We are all in this horrid, hateful boat.    I don’t have to imagine how you felt unwrapping those boots.   Devastating.

i hope that  you all have family or friends that you can turn to and who understand .   I think that only someone who really loved my child or someone who has lost their own would truly understand me.   An old friend  who was very kind in the early months  soon     seemed to move on and often says things that show me that she has forgotten .  It doesn’t hurt me , more like surprises me because she is a very kind person, sometimes I have to end a conversation because of the things she comes out with.   Most of my other friends have lost interest in me - possibly because they think I will ring them if I want to - it’s not that easy.   They probably don’t know what to say and are frightened of getting it wrong.  In fact, I hope I don’t say anything wrong on here and cause anyone more pain than they are already carrying 

It’s  late here, gone 2.30 in the morning - I’d better get some sleep.   Roz

[NiquesMom]

I also lost my daughter days before christmas 2017. We had celebrated early because we were going out of town, so that is a little consolation, but we still had to do christmas morning for my son (who was 4 and a half), and I just sat there trying not to cry. It wasnt right, it wasnt fair, and it still isnt. I am at work as i type this just trying not to cry. I wish I could just go home and bury my head under a blanket....but the bills still need to be paid, my son still need to be picked up from school, the house needs to be cleaned.  I keep breathing and i dont know why sometimes.

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  It was good you got to celebrate Christmas with your daughter.  Is it hard for you to see Christmas decorations? It is for me, we have so many traditions for most holidays that make each so difficult without Mason.  Some I just can't do anymore and others I do for him. I find some way of decorating his grave for each because he loved those traditions..

ROz, the reason we are all here gives us an understanding of one another and I know there are times when I say  things that may be misunderstood and I have no intention of hurting anyone. I also know that I don’t think as clearly as I did before losing my boy. Battling to stay sane when I have to remind myself to breathe isn't easy.

[Changed]

Mason’s mom,  I loved the family side of Christmas and I would collect bits and pieces for my decorations from wherever I was visiting during the year.  Each one held a strong memory - sometimes from where we were living abroad or from a lovely holiday.  All very simple.  I have all the things the children made when they were little and our tree was an artificial one we bought for our first Christmas with children when we lived in New Zealand.   I do not think that I will ever take them out again - everything stopped when David died and revisiting all those attached memories would be beyond me.

if I were younger and still had small children about then I would make myself carry on with the tradition but I don’t so , I won’t .  My daughter has stopped bothering with her decorations too.  She does not have children.

virginia,   You are trying so hard for your little lad and I hope that you get joy from doing everything you do with him.  I feel huge guilt if I get pleasure from anything these days -  I’m still trying to understand that as I know Dave would be delighted for me.   

For you younger mums who are still going out to work I hope that you have kind people around you and that your work is engrossing enough to fill your mind for a short time at least.   Does it bottle up your feelings until you are home?   We have had builders in our home for far too long and I have noticed how after behaving ‘happy’ with them all day how it effects me when they are gone and I can be real - it takes quite an effort.  I’ll be glad when they are finished and I can be authentic in my own home.

Roz

[NiquesMom]

Masons mom: I used to love every holiday (had a tree i would decorate year round) but Christmas was always my favorite.  Last year was the first Christmas without Nique. My husband and son decorated the tree and I hid in the bedroom. My husband did most of the gift shopping and wrapping as I just do not get the same joy I used to.  I decorated a little for Easter this year because my son saw the decorations and asked.  I am trying to make more of an effort but it just doesn't matter anymore to me.

 

As for work, I quit my last job and moved across the country. My new job is the least stressful I have had in 20 years. And my team includes 2 women who have lost children and 1 who lost two brothers, so a very understanding group.  But sometimes it is exhausting trying to be happy, walking around with a smile. Some days are easier than others.  But work does allow me to think about something else besides missing my daughter.

I hope this gets easier but I do not have a lot of faith that it does. Last night, getting my 6 year old to bed he says he isn't able to stop missing his sister. I told him I miss her everyday and probably will until the day i die, and that it is OK for him to miss her.

[Changed]

Virginia,    how on earth do you know what to say and do to help your son?   I wouldn’t know where to start - you will want him to have a happy carefree life, obviously,  and understand that at times his sadness is what he feels - and I am sure you let him know that it is ok to feel all of those emotions .   He is so young to deal with such complex feelings , I’m sure  that what you are doing is right, - lots of love, lots of reassurance and keeping it as natural and relaxed as you can.  That cannot be easy when you feel as you do - we feel broken and ‘normal’ takes a huge effort, I know.

when my son died and we went over to Australia we were seeing our grandson there.  The love we have for him is huge but the grief and shock  we were drowning in  made it  a real effort to know how to behave.  We followed his lead and even played games - that felt weird running about kicking balls when we wanted to cry and hide.  There were darker moments when he asked questions and we did our best  to answer as honestly as he could cope with.  What we were absolutely sure of was that our son would want his son to be ok - to be happy and feel no guilt in being that way - and when he felt sad that he could speak freely to his family and not bottle things up.   He seems to be doing ok - we speak about his dad in a casual way - funny tales or stories of David’s travels.  I leave it to his mum to chat about their own memories.

your lad will bring you lots of joy and fun - you will be able to experience that as well as the heartache you carry for Niques -  hang on and try not to look too far ahead.   Sometimes I am surprised that I am still standing and I have none of the responsibilities that you have.   All the best, Roz

[Somersky]

Okay... so here I am asking your honest truthful opinion. Skylar passed away in April... in January of the same year my husband was frustrated with Skylar... a separate issue with is cause of death. Now for some reason... maybe out of frustration? He said “ it would be so much easier without you and him around”

honestly... to this day... I cannot stop thinking about that. Skylar and I were a package deal lol

how can I move on... his prophetic statement came true for one but not for me?

[Somersky]

[Mason’s Mom]

Kristen,  What a great picture. I think we are all haunted by things said or done to our children.  I know I have regrets with some of the things I said to Mason.  Life is stressful and sometimes we say and do things we later regret. Grief does make us look back and remember some of the worst but at the same time we have those precious memories of the child that we knew like no one else. I am trying to remember the good and cherish the last evening with Mason.  The must have been a gift from God.  I can lay my head down and know my last time with him ended with a hug and a love you. SKYLAR knew you were a package deal and you loved him.

[Changed]

Hi Kristen,   I managed to type a reply then lost it.  I’ll try again.    

What your husband said was hurtful and then just a few months later losing Skylar  didn’t give you time to recover or forget what was said. .  If Skylar hadn’t died do you think that your husbands words would still upset you?  Does he even remember saying it? 

You are very close to your son - and the fear you lived with , your premonition,  must have been terrible for you to carry - no wonder when your husband said what he did it meant more to you than he probably intended.   Of course it still hurts ,  maybe  it’s tied itself in with your own feelings of what you ‘feared ‘ was to come .  It must have felt awful.   

People can say cruel and hurtful things in the moment but sometimes it hits a nerve and it isn’t easily forgotten or forgiven .  

I don’t know you or your husband but it reads more like he was meaning  - not living together rather than anyone dying.     Was he envious  of your closeness to Skylar , that’s not unusual,  could it have been a dig at that?   So,  for what it’s worth and without knowing much, I doubt that your husband was sensing or influencing anything of what was to come.   I’m not sure if that is what you are asking but I hope you can leave it alone and not burden yourself with it.   We have enough tough stuff to carry about.

i was thinking about your anxious feelings about Skylar and how you owned them - I’m sorry it came true .  I had fear for David for years as he travelled abroad but it was for the dangers out there - not anything like yours , it must have been so difficult .

im not sure of my beliefs any more but I remember years ago my parents were going off on holiday.  We were to pick them up from Heathrow a couple of weeks later.  My dad was a Scot and not one for showing affection - we never kissed hello or goodbye .  Anyway, I kissed mum said bye to dad and got in the car with my husband and the children - as we were driving off I asked to stop and jumped out , ran back up the path and kissed my dad goodbye.  My dad died, age 53, on that holiday - I never saw him again.  In fact, the night he died I was at a neighbour’s house and I felt a weight on my chest, it felt weird, so much so that I went home to bed - we got a call early morning to say he’d had a massive heart attack in the night - he’d been dancing and swimming just hours before.  What is that all about?

Roz 

Glorious photograph , by the way.

 

 

 

 

 

[Somersky]

2 hours ago, Changed said:

Hi Kristen,   I managed to type a reply then lost it.  I’ll try again.    

What your husband said was hurtful and then just a few months later losing Skylar  didn’t give you time to recover or forget what was said. .  If Skylar hadn’t died do you think that your husbands words would still upset you?  Does he even remember saying it? 

You are very close to your son - and the fear you lived with , your premonition,  must have been terrible for you to carry - no wonder when your husband said what he did it meant more to you than he probably intended.   Of course it still hurts ,  maybe  it’s tied itself in with your own feelings of what you ‘feared ‘ was to come .  It must have felt awful.   

People can say cruel and hurtful things in the moment but sometimes it hits a nerve and it isn’t easily forgotten or forgiven .  

I don’t know you or your husband but it reads more like he was meaning  - not living together rather than anyone dying.     Was he envious  of your closeness to Skylar , that’s not unusual,  could it have been a dig at that?   So,  for what it’s worth and without knowing much, I doubt that your husband was sensing or influencing anything of what was to come.   I’m not sure if that is what you are asking but I hope you can leave it alone and not burden yourself with it.   We have enough tough stuff to carry about.

i was thinking about your anxious feelings about Skylar and how you owned them - I’m sorry it came true .  I had fear for David for years as he travelled abroad but it was for the dangers out there - not anything like yours , it must have been so difficult .

im not sure of my beliefs any more but I remember years ago my parents were going off on holiday.  We were to pick them up from Heathrow a couple of weeks later.  My dad was a Scot and not one for showing affection - we never kissed hello or goodbye .  Anyway, I kissed mum said bye to dad and got in the car with my husband and the children - as we were driving off I asked to stop and jumped out , ran back up the path and kissed my dad goodbye.  My dad died, age 53, on that holiday - I never saw him again.  In fact, the night he died I was at a neighbour’s house and I felt a weight on my chest, it felt weird, so much so that I went home to bed - we got a call early morning to say he’d had a massive heart attack in the night - he’d been dancing and swimming just hours before.  What is that all about?

Roz 

Glorious photograph , by the way.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank You for your replies 

Dave was jealous of our relationship.:: hands down. What I’m grappling with is did that justify anything? I am not sure if I want to be with someone that carries such horrible resentment 

 

i wish you could tell me whet to do.

[Changed]

Kristen,   Do you think that it was true resentment  or was it a man being a bit childish and hitting out?     The death of our children is so devastating and I understand that it can cause relationship problems with the surviving parents even when there were no cracks before.   I know that  I have no patience any more - nothing much seems to matter - nothing could be worse than what I feel now.     I’m sure there are plenty on here who have experience of your questioning  ‘what next ?‘  with your husband - perhaps they have some insight they can share but no one can tell you what to do, you know that,     May I ask if you are able to share these thoughts with your husband - if so, is he interested and does he try to understand you?   Can you have some  time apart so you can process  your thoughts and feelings about your husband before you make any major decisions?     I wish you well  . Roz 

[NiquesMom]

Kristen, I know my husband was jealous of me having my daughter.  Not because of her but because it meant I had a relationship with someone before him. He did, and still does, struggle with that. He does not have any children from a previous relationship, so I do not know how it feels to have a constant reminder that your spouse was with someone before you, and to have to deal with the ex. I know he never wished my daughter dead, but I also know he was looking forward to her moving out as she and my ex could be a handful. I love my daughter so much, and miss her everyday, and I know if he could my husband would bring her back for me. I hope that your husband is struggling with the same issue because I dont believe they are angry at us, I think they just dont like the situation and dont know how to deal with their feelings.  *sigh* Men are difficult.

[peggy a sad mom]

hi i just read a lot just want to try to answer everyone back. first time i heard we live in 2 different worlds.that makes a lot of sense. 

if i told anyone my real thoughts day in and day out they would have me committed. i am also not afraid of dying at all i just want to be with him. i won't commit suicide but i will also die with a smile on my face.

my husband is not my son's father and does not have kids. he does not know that love between a mother and her kids. so he was always jealous of my son. me and my son were always together. 

i forgot who wrote it but it was about needing to do stuff with your husband and other kids and how much it more or less hurts. what we have to remember is this is the way life should be but with our families including the child we lost. we can't feel bad about the things we are doing without them cause we would have done the same things if our child was still here. hope i can listen to my own words. i miss him so much hope that first day in heaven picture is the truth. can't wait but will

peggy

[Somersky]

I guess.. but we do have a daughter.. and she doesn’t like me right now. You see Skylar and I were extremely close as were summer and Dave. I lost my better half...

funny... the day before he died he said him and I were like two peas in a pod and Dave and summer were squares? Lol

yes we shared a lot ... obviously Dave was jealous.... but I don’t think you should ever wish death on anyone.

[peggy a sad mom]

oh god no not ever

[Somersky]

I feel so liberated that I can talk so truthfully here. I am having issues in dealing with skylars passing as just last year I saw my dad go too... I was with him only. I had to see him “fight death” ... ie: he wasn’t ready to go. My daughter doesn’t have a lot of patience with me and like her father wants me to sweep my feelings under the rug. I do drink... probably not a good idea but sometimes it’s the only thing that will take that horrible pain away albeit temporarily 

thank you for all your kind words and feedback....

its odd but sometimes I do wonder if my husband was a bit jealous. I guess at some point I have to drop it... and let it go! My daughter stopped talking to me ... she doesn’t understand why I am the way I am? I wish I can just not acknowledge feelings like they can... I’d likely be much healthier 

[My girl is in heaven]

Kristen, Peggy, masons mom, virgina, changed and everyone else out there....We or our kids were not being punished by god. I do not know why our kids had to go but God did not look down and pick our children....that’s not how it works.  Time in heaven is not measured in days, weeks, or months like it is in heaven.....it is eternity and our kids will be waiting for us when our time comes.  Those around us, spouses, other children, friends, etc., they cannot understand from a moms point of view what we live with, but as I had to find out, and just newly divorced, I could not be responsible for my husbands grief anymore.  Each person has to take thier own responsibility for thier grief and not judge how we handle ours.  I found that my friends and family became strangers and strangers became my friends and family.   We share an unbreakable bond here, us grieving moms....and the only difference between us and all the moms who got to keep thier babies , they are just luckier than us, they aren’t better moms, just luckier.  Turning to alcohol, drugs or any other vice, is so tempting....I get it, anything that will take your pain away....but you can’t run from grief, it can always run faster and harder than you....it will always be waiting for you.  So just stop right where you are, and let it wash over you, maybe that means you need a good cry that day, or maybe you need to go somewhere and scream up to the sky, tears are good, let grief has its way to wash over you.  Then when it has, pick yourself up and carry on. It suddenly won’t have that much power over you once you let it come and go. Your grief is a constant in the hole and out of the hole....but remember every time you crawl back out, your just a little bit stronger than the time before, . I am 8 years in losing my precious  17 year old girl similar circumstances to Skylars, and I wish I could press the fast forward button for you guys to bring you to a place of light and happiness again.  Cause I have found that, I know you guys can.  I had no intention of living days 8 days after my daughter died, let alone 8 years. No, I didn’t get over it or find  closure....both of those ideas are utterly ridiculous, but you get to a point where your head and heart get to a place where they have to decide just how very much more pain and misery they can live with.  And whey get in sinc, that’s when you can step back into the light again.  Give yourself credit for how far you’ve come, because it may not seem like it,but you have and have faith in just our resilient you are and far you can go.  Hold onto each other, each one of us linking arms ..we have to face our grief, but we do it have to face it alone.

 

hugs

Lu....Kira’s mama

[Somersky]

Thank you Lu for such choice words but also feelings from your heart. It’s been a little over three years and I do find there are triggers but I can talk about Skylar with my head held high and a smile on my face because of how proud I was of him. I found one think I cannot do is dwell on some of the dark moments of his passing.... sometimes I have to pinch myself because I still cannot fathom his death. 

Life is extremely precious and so is time which is why I have finally given up in trying so hard with siblings and friends who don’t seem to want to be close. I don’t know why that happens? If anything I would think they would call and ask how you are or how you are managing etc ....?! I’m dumbfounded really. Like you said Lu you cannot he responsible for others only yourself. I am still here and I am so thankful for that ... I know Skylar wouldn’t want it any other way. There are times I take a step forward and two steps back but I still seem to be going forward so I guess that’s what really matters.

Lu I hope you are managing through your divorce ... I do know it’s the second most painful thing to go through after the loss of a child so my heart goes out to you.