Loss of an Adult Child

[NiquesMom]

KJ mommy: between my son's birth and my daughters death I had 2 miscarriages (one single and one set of twins). It took me almost a year to get back to "me" after each one and that was grieving a person I never got to meet.  My husband wants another baby but mentally I don't know that I would ever be "there". I hope you find some peace dear

[NiquesMom]

So I ordered an ice cream cake this weekend,  my husband says why? I said no reason,  I am done waiting for a reason to do something.  I am getting my son a toy if I want,  and not necessarily holding it for a holiday. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Good for you Virginia.  That’s exactly the attitude that I have now.  I don’t have a lot of money, but enough that I can buy myself or someone else a little treat now and again. And why the hell shouldn’t we?  If anyone deserves the right to doing something that brings a bit of joy, it is us grieving parents.  As for me I’m getting a massage this morning. I’ve just spent almost 3 months packing and lifting boxes, lugging furniture cause I moved and now my back and neck are very sore.  Can’t afford to do a lot, but am going for it today.  I hope u buy Kyle the shiniest, bestest toy there is and his little face lights up like a Christmas tree when he sees it,  and I bet an ice cream cake is soooo good on a hot summer day.  Hugs luanne

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[Devianz]

It's okay to treat yourself for sure.  Often we numb ourselves so that we don't feel the pain, but when you close that door you are also numbing yourself to moments of joy and happiness as well.  It's okay to be vulnerable and allow ourselves to grieve and process the emotions of having so much taken from us, but it's also important to forgive yourself for shame and fear, to make room for love and compassion.  We deserve to have those moments of happiness and joy, to find little things in life that can still make use wonder and find beauty in others, in ourselves and in the world at large. Some days I just want to stay in bed and be sad. I live with grief for my son every day, and it's important that I do that as well but you have to allow yourself space and let yourself be open-hearted to feel both the sorrow and the joys in life. It's easier to numb all of it, I know... but it's not fair to trap ourselves inside of that grief because it allows no light inside. It doesn't even take money... 

Last Thursday it was a beautiful day outside, so I decided to follow the advice of my therapist and take a walk outside instead of going to the gym.  He told me that I should find three things that were beautiful on my walk and write them down in my journal.  I work at a large manufacturing plant, and it's often difficult to find beauty in dirty/rusting production machines and asphalt. But I tried anyway and as I walked past the warehouse area, I looked up and for the first time I noticed that on the back facing building, up really high was a beautiful stained-glass window set into the other windows of the warehouse.  It was sunny, and I could see that it reflected that coloured light all over the floor of the warehouse at that time of day. I found that beautiful that someone would think to do that to bring color to an otherwise drab place. I heard a bird singing and saw several wild canaries (american goldfinch) in the bushes on the far side of the lot, and then I found that if you walk out far enough, you can smell the garden of the house that is behind our plant and it smelled just beautiful and was also filled with very tall sunflowers that were doing the same as me, standing still and letting the warm sun and warm breeze touch our faces.  I came back to work in a better place, and was at peace. 

Sometimes the simplest things can bring joy and we can live in that moment for a few minutes basking in that glow.  

[MargeeTx]

Good evening, everyone.   I think Louanne ( or Leslie) asked about my A-FIB.  Never had any type of heart problems until 2 years ago.... I was at work, and started having this strange epigastric pain... that would not go away. Took the bra off because it felt too tight....after an hour of the pain, I drove myself to the hospital.  As I am standing at registration, I passed out.  (This helped with wait time... lol). Long story:  I had a thoracic aneurysm and was immediately taken to surgery.  Woke up in ICU.... supposedly, it was fixed.  Problem:  I had to be flat on my back for over 12 hours, which completely screwed up my 'nurse's back.  Then I got a strange infection.....  6 days later I am D/C home, with instructions to see a cardiologist. When I see him.... he orders a bunch of tests, had to wear a cardiac monitor for 30 days....well, in 4 days, mike had to call 911....back in ICU, and they decided the I needed an ablation ( they basically destroy the part of the heart that is Causing the issue.  On top of all of this, my back is KILLING ME.  So then.... I have an issue with first aneurysm, back to surgery and ICU  .  Now they are giving me steroid injections for the back, that didn't work, so ended up having 2back surgeries.  Oh, and I shouldn't forget, the ablation had to be repeated.  ICU 5 times in about 3 months.  Now I have the A-FIB ( not A-FLUTTER) and they are attempting to control the problems with medications.  The ablation that I may end up having is 8-10 hours long. And the Doctor cannot tell me why I developed this.  But, the medications have so many side effects, it is ridiculous.  This is why I haven't shared this with all of you.... it is a ****-storm. And Jason 's death has not helped.  

So, I fight my self pity.  I am 67 years old, had a fantastic career, and now I am retired (retarded) and just hanging on for some reason.  My thoughts". I didn't thing God gave us more than we handle....really?

sorry for sharing this crap with you guys... guess I needed to talk about it.  Or maybe, I am just going completely crazy.

[My girl is in heaven]

Margee, that was me who asked about your afib.  Wow, you really have had a hard go of it. And a broken heart to top it all.  But yet you trudge thru some how everyday.  So the meds control your afib and is your back still painful now or is it better?  So did Meredith come to visit yet.  I’m sure that will fill your heart with so much joy to see her and her family.  I am sure as a nurse you know xactly what the drs orders are and how important it is to follow them.  Thanks for sharing your story and yes I’m not sure who ever said god doesn’t give us anymore then we can handle...it is so unfair some of us are given so many heavy loads to bear. You are very stronge to face your challenges every day.  But there are no people in the  world braver than a mom who has had to give a child back.  Does the heat affect your a fib at all, or stress, exercise, etc.  Take care and thanks again for sharing.  Your not crazy....just the story of agrieving mom.  Hugs luanne

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

 

 

[KJs Mommy Always]

NiquesMom,

Im sorry for the loss of your unborn children. I felt like I was being punished after I lost my son, and then lost my baby that was supposed to be the rainbow baby back to back.

 

Everyone-I feel like I have the worst luck in the world right now. I’m not doing ok at work and I am just ready to go. There’s one Soldier in particular that has been spreading rumors about the relationship that I had with KJs father (long story) and I semi-cussed her out today at work, in Army uniform. I’m not ok. I don’t need to get into trouble. I don’t think I will. At this point, I don’t know if I have room to care. I keep telling these people that I need to hurry and relocate and they’re just taking their sweet **s time. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m just a sad, grieving, depressed, and anxiety-ridden woman. It’s getting worse. I talk to a grief counselor but she’s never lost a baby, how is she supposed to help me???! I think I’m beyond help and I sometimes don’t want to live anymore. I feel like my son should be living..I’ve already had my share of living for the past 32 years. He should be living. He was innocent. I pass by the babies at the daycare that we’re in his class and they’ve moved up in age and they’re crawling, sitting up, and some are standing up and have a couple of teeth. My son  is in his baby blue heart shaped urn. That’s the only way I can hold my son, 

[daveydow1]

Margee----Oh, ....I'm so sorry for all your health problems. You sure have been

having a lot of troubles to endure, plus the ever-present grief for your son's

death.  I hope and pray that things will improve, and you will get the health

answers you want.  Also, that you will be recovering from the procedures

that you must undergo.  Peace and prayers,  my friend.

 

KJsmom------It seems when it rains, it pours.....and you have had too much 

raining down on you.  Yes,  it is so difficult to try & do your job when your

heart is broken over your loss of your sweet baby boy, and the miscarriage.

I'm sorry that the military are being less than cooperative.

Your marriage is the bright spot in all of this.  Wishing you strength and peace.

 

Thinking of all my friends here at BI.  Peace to each and every one.  

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

   

[KJs Mommy Always]

Thank you daveydow1. I couldn’t agree with you more that I’ve just had too much. It’s extremely overwhelming. Grief alone is unbearable at times but when you add everything else it’s torture. Thank you for your response. I hope you’re doing as well as can be expected. Your baby is really handsome. 

[ericasmom]

Divianz, such wise words about searching for beauty and finding it, I am so glad that you took your therapist's advice and did this adn that you came back to work refreshed. Your words tonight are filled by something that was not there before in your earlier days of grief; and that is hope.

KJ's Mom, I think that besides all of the deeply sad things going on your hormones are also going strong which makes it harder to find ways to feel okay and to use more patience...the army should listen to your needs here, you are grieving for goodness sake, you need time.

Luanne, you have picked up the torch and led the way for so many Newbies lately, and I am grateful. I am an Oldie, and it is good for those of us Oldies, to see someone like you taking the hands of many and leading.

Sherry, fellow Oldie, so good to see you.

Virginia, making a decision to have another child is very hard, and I hope that you can do what your heart feels is best. Your instincts here are to be highly considered.

Lesley, I will go back a page to see how you are, it sounds like you are struggling right now and so I am holding you close and sending deep healing.

Margee, for goodness sakes, more surgery, i am sorry, but I am glad that they know what to do to help. Peace.

[Devianz]

Dee, 

Thank you for your kind words. I do feel like this therapist I am working with is exactly what I need.  He told me that Yeah, I was broken and I have a lot of cracks and pieces missing, but that he can't fix me.  But what he can do is bring his flashlight and shine that light on the cracks and spots that need fixing, and hand me the tools I need to fix them myself.  He's exactly what I need right now, since I feel like I was falling apart for ages.  Sometimes you just find the right people at exactly the right time.  I have him, and a new group therapy similar to Al-Anon for adult children of alcoholics, but a less religious one and more just about how we are coping with our lives when we grew up in homes with alcoholics.  It makes me feel less alone and I feel like I belong to a group who has similar life experiences and similar journeys.  I do wish that I had a group like that for grieving, but this will do for now. 

I hope all is well with you, and that your husband is on the mend or close to recovered.  I know that school is ramping up right now, and you must have your hands full with a lot of busy work.  Your classroom kids are very lucky to have you, as you put so much soul into all that you do. You are an inspiration for me and sometimes when I was losing hope I think of you and the others here as hope that I can get through all of this pain.  I am grateful that you reached out to me today, so thank you. 

Margee, 

I am sorry for all you are going through, it's so hard to be ill along side all of the other things you are going through. You aren't crazy and I'm glad you are sharing with us. I know that some days feel really heavy and have a burden that seems like too much, and I am sorry that you have to go through that. My thoughts are with you that you get the treatment you need and are able to start to feel better, you are certainly a valued member of this community and I am glad you decided to share with us. 

Luanne, 

I am so glad you are here to help people out and I am glad to hear that you are finding hope in things too.  it's been such a long hard road for you, and you really have found compassion at a time where most people would be angry at the world. Your words bring great comfort to people who are just beginning this journey and have found their way here. Sometimes the best we can do is shake the dust off our hands and let our souls flow out through our finger tips to give to others and you certainly do that. Many hugs to you, thank you.

KJ's Mom, 

The bureaucracy of the Army is really difficult, and I am sorry that you have to go through all the silly paperwork and unnecessary red tape. As former Army, I totally understand how frustrating and difficult it can be.  I was serving in Germany when I had my first miscarriage, and while I had the miscarriage at a German hospital because I lived off base at the time, I had to deal with all the uncaring and unfeeling doctors and the administration units of my company for the rest of it.  It was shear pain and frustration and they wouldn't process me back to the states, so I had to do it all without my family as well.  The Army and the military in general has always been crap about treating the mental and emotional well being of the soldier it enlists, and that is why there are so many emotionally trying times for soldiers. They don't understand that being away from family and friends, being in brand new places and getting used to brand new situations can be hard on a solider, and when you add to it the pain of grief, or the stress of a marriage or other things it becomes unhealthy.  I was an MP in the Army, and I saw the after effects of the military NOT taking care of it's own in the forms of suicides, assaults and battery, rampant alcoholism and drug problems, adultery and child abuse. 

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this pain right now, and it must feel like there is no one on your side or no one who understands around you. It must feel pretty lonely and isolating even though you have your husband. It's a difficult thing to go through, and please know that you can share with us your frustration and pain, a lot of us have been through similar situations and have similar journeys.  You are not alone, and I am thankful that you have come here to share with us. 

-------------

As for myself, I am doing well.  Had a wonderful evening with my younger son, cooking dinner and talking about everything under the sun.  It was really good to have that time with him away from my husband as we both felt free to speak our minds. It was eye opening and wonderful.  I have an awesome kid who has so much compassion for others and for himself.  It was good to hear so many positive things coming from him even though we were talking about some tough times and tough things. I am so proud of the man he is becoming.  He's amazing. 

[ericasmom]

I am just so glad Divianz, that you were able to see yourself to therapy, and that you are learning how to embrace the goodness still here in our lives. How wonderful for your Son who you had such a good time with, and how dear for your sweet angel, to know his Mom is working hard to live in the light he has shone.

[Somersky]

Hope everyone is trying to enjoy the day.... it’s sunny today so that is good. The rain for the last two days has lessened the fire load on the province so that has made a difference as far as the air quality is Is concerned (no more advisories)

We got a call today from the  BC Inherited Arrhythmia Program (BCIAP) to say skylars genetic results are back from his tissue samples from Finland and we are to come in. It was as if he was still alive ... just to know those tissue samples had still been there. I know... it’s odd... ! The BC government contributed quite a bit to send those tissues over to test for over 150 genetic heart diseases that not only help our family but many skylars age (close to 50k) science is an amazing thing. I am a bit apprehensive... as we do have a daughter and am bracing myself as I hope it is not passed down. Positive thoughts ..... only positive thoughts!!!!!

The heart ... what an amazing organ... does so much .. from function to emotion! Xoxoxo

ps... no more tattoos for me lol... Luanne? What about you:)

 

[ericasmom]

Positive thoughts Kristen, for sure. Let us know what they say and may Skylars heart be felt throughout your days. His sweet smile cast on you forever.

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Kristen. I remeber the coroner when he was going over things on the phone with me, said something about taking a tissue sample for something.  I didn’t really know what that would be for, but wondered if it would be the same as for Skylars. I remember it was  all I could do to take in everything  else he was telling me and I didn’t want to know anything more than I had to.  Both my boys had some kind of heart check ups , maybe ECG, can’t remember which were fine.  But I do still worry about might be passed on.  Funny you should ask about another tattoo.  I just booked a consultation.  Just something small again, but meaningful.  Or maybe a big skull and crossbones...across my boobs.   Lol.  Ok, I’m not that brave...lol take care.  I know it will be hard to hear the particulars and certainly hope there is no genetic component.   But remember the whys about what happened , don’t hold the same power over us as in the beginning.....it just simply is what it is.    Let us know what the results are.  I’m wondering if I should call and see about Kira’s sample, but not sure I want to open that pag3 again.  Take care.  Hugs  Luanne

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

 

 

 

 

[Somersky]

Ha.... oh no Luanne ...my husband said tattoos were addicting but the only two I have are memorial for Skylar. Funny I was so against them when he was alive and being on the university team he wanted one but knew I was kind of against them so didn’t get one ... and now look at me .. I’m a walking memorial!!

In autopsy they actually took Skylars tissue without us knowing and the pathologist does that when an autopsy is inconclusive.... they think it was longQT but he didn’t know for sure. Whatever we can do to get tested so then to help summer if need be. I am on beta blockers right now... sadly skylars heart palpitations they always attributed to “Anxiety” but now I’m thinking it was a lot more to it but can’t dwell on that or it will drive me crazy!! 

Hard to believe there is only 4 months left in this year....where has the time gone??? Xo

[NiquesMom]

Took Kyle to the fresh springs today,  nique would have loved it.  Saw turtles, snakes, fish,  heron. Hope you all have a little peace today. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Kristen.  Maybe that’s what they did with Kira then cause her results were inconclusive as well.   Accidental drowning....well i knew that but what made her collapse.  Don’t know if I want to open that book again. And your right dwelling on those things is just not healthy for us.  

My tatto artist told me after I take the banaid off I would be red, flaky, itchy,  but I had none of that.  So maybe , even though I got old lady skin, I’m a good candidate for tattoos.  I’ll try not to get too wild and crazy though.

 

Luanne   Kira’s mama

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Virgina...what a beautiful picture.  And you and Kyle are always smiling.  I’m sure Nique is smiling to as you are starting to find your way again.  I have an extreme phobia to seeing a snake.  I can’t even scream usually, cause I can’t get any sound out, I try to run but always fall and get banged up.  I would run straight into traffic or the side of a building or parked car.  I have only every seen a real snake a few times, but there was , what they tell me was a garter snake 10-12 inches long last year in my garden.  I went face first into the ground and smashed my glasses, my knees and elbows were all bloodied and I now have scars , and my breathing gets so out of whack, I feel like I’m having a heart attack and keep clutching my throat and chest.  I know what an idiot, I always think they are going to be wrapped around my ankle.  I didn’t seen any this year, and my neighbour said they all probably died of a heart attack when I freaked out last year. Lol.  Anyway, how big are your snakes.  Thanks for the info, if I ever travel it won’t be to Florida.  Have a good week.  You got the Labor Day long weekend there?

[My girl is in heaven]

Peggy, Margee, Bea, Stephanie, missing my little man, piece of Cate, KJs mommy, Virginia, Donna Marie,   and all you other newbies who are feeling so alone right now, this is for you:

 

The Lonley Tree

Grief is like a lonley tree

that stands in a field alone.

Far away from the forest

it stands there on its own.

Time to reflect on life

Time to deal with the pain

But when the time is right

i will join the forest again. 

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[ericasmom]

Beautiful poem Luanne, and gorgeous photo Virginia. Just breathtakingly lovely. You are making your way, even though it may not feel as though you are...helping your Son build a base of good memories is going to also resonate in your heart.

[peggy a sad mom]

beautiful poem luanne. thanks for always thinking of me. it makes me feel great. its labor day i'm off from work my husband is working. i am just sitting here hating life... i am so lonely and can't understand why everyone thinks they should just leave me alone. why wouldn't one of my sisters call and say lets do something. i really think looking at me reminds me of my son. yes i always bring his name up but i do not lose control in front of them anymore so i don't get it

thanks for listening

oeggy

[MargeeTx]

Hello everyone:   I have spent the past 2 days with access issues, however Kelly finally got it fixed.  I am sure I was doing something wrong....when I was working, I would bribe the IT guys with food to keep me connected to the gazillion sites we had to use in case management.  Kelly will have to let me know where she lives so I can send her goodies..... I believe in bribes!!!!  I have a photo that I want to send you all, just can't get to work yet.  So watch out for it.

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Peggy.   It’s hard to understand why people ignore, don’t bother with grieving parents but what ever percentage  it is that ignores us, the rest usually just have something hurtful and disrespectful to say anyway.  I don’t know where I came up with this number but I figure about 2 % , if your lucky, people truly have any care or compassion for us.  Some people give them a break, they don’t know what to say, they don’t want to upset you.  I don’t believe that for one moment. I know almost everyone who went to that funeral home with thier  phoney baloney”I’m so sorry for your loss”, all they really were thinking was “phew, glad that wasn’t my kid”.  And it was over for them the minute they walked out the door, they had no intention of calling, sending a card, or visiting.  Not only did they not have any intention of contacting me but would to great lengths to avoid having to see me. Crossing the street, ducking down another isle in a store.  I gave them 6 1/2 years of hurting  me and leaving me alone in the dust.  Please don’t let this world do that to you dear friend.  I too have sisters, family, life long friends who I would think the same thing, can’t they even bother to call, maybe send a card at Christmas, anything.?.. no ....they think we have a disease they can catch.. we remind them maybe this could happen to them.  And don’t expect  it to be any different on your sons angel date or birthday, sadly.  Of course we never knew this kinda pain before we lost our child, but I still know I would not have treated a grieving parent so cruelly.  Shake them off Peggy, one at a time, this is when you find out who is really there for you.  Don’t ever say to yourself again, I don’t get it...cause we will never understand why people we thought would always be there for us just aren’t.  One day when I was asking myself “where did everybody go” I figured it out.  They all went back to the day before my daughter died and just skipped over it and kept right on going...end of story.  Don’t mean to be so long winded....but don’t let anyone bring you down , anymore then you already are , with thier unkindness.  Come here, lean on me, lean on us.  We will carry u, every step of the way.  My email is ltaylor50@rogers.com if you ever want to talk there or want a phone chat.  Whatever you need, I’ll be there. Hugs.  And try to do even one little kind thing for yourself each day.  Hugs.

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Margee...glad u got your access fixed...can’t wait to see your picture.  

 

Luanne... Kira’s mama

[NiquesMom]

I tried to look in niques boxes of belongings,  was looking for one of her movies.  Was only in them for 10 minutes, cried for an hour. Don't know that i will Ever be strong enough to go through them.  I thought I was stronger,  but I wasn't.  

[MargeeTx]

I am still trying.  Sometimes I am just blamed stoopid when it comes to moving and sharing pictures.  But I will keep working on it.  Meredith and Her family were here from Thursday until early Sunday morning.  It is the first time we have been together since Jason died in January.  Being around her and Jeremy, without Jason, nearly killed me.  It affected all of us.  I was expecting joy and happiness.  Though we had that, there was a stronger over current of loss and pain.  None of us expected this.  I was totally shocked with pain of only having two of my three children here.  It seemed like I was in the twilight zone or something.  My heart stayed in major A-FIB the entire visit, so I was so dizzy and stumbling that I really felt physically drained.  Meredith and I only had one brief conversation alone....she was just staring into space, trying not to cry.  We all tried to 'fake being ok' for my grandson's.  It was so bad that when they left, I was relieved, and then the guilt and shame of those feelings made me feel even worse.

My family is forever changed and there is nothing I can do about it.  It has been 6 months tomorrow since Jason died.  And, I swear to you that I feel as if my heart and soul is destroyed.  Please tell me that future visits will be easier to handle.  My sweet daughter, his twin, is in worse shape than me, if that is possible.  Jeremy ( the baby) seemed to handle it the best.....I should have had the Bud Light with him.  But I am afraid to drink alcohol with this horrible heart medicine. Meredith's husband, Terry, and his sister, Kat , were wonderful.  They had to feel like they were on the weekend from the wild side. 

Please help me, my friends.  I need your caring, wisdom, and love.

xxoo margarett 

 

 

 

 

 

[KJs Mommy Always]

Luanne,

Thank you so much for the beautiful poem. I feel like this so often. Today I feel like I’m standing alone. I know people are there for me but grief seems to be such a lonely road even if you have others going through the same. I’ve had panic attacks today because it’s so hard to accept that my baby boy isn’t here anymore. It’s been almost 3 months so it’s still so fresh. I miss my baby boy. God bless all of you. 

[MargeeTx]

My two remaining children without Jason.

[My girl is in heaven]

Margee.. dear, dear friend..  it will, it will be tolerable some day. I’m 7 years in and I had all those same feelings u are going thru right now. We never “get over it” as the rest of the world thinks.  But unfortunately you have to walk right thru the middle of grief, there is no side stepping.  I know, I tried drugging myself up and all sorts to get away from it for years, but until you march right thru it, it will always be there.   So what you are gong thru, has to be done so you can heal someday.  I thought of nothing but going to be with my daughter for years.  And then u get in that panic mode of “omg, this didn’t happen, my child is not gone”.  I still do that sometimes but now I gently tell my self that god and I have bargained over this for years and it is what it is.  I wish I could press fast forward and bring you to the point where those little tiny pin holes of light start to poke thru and grief lossenes it’s grip just a little now and again.  Sometimes so subtle at first you may not notice.  I only noticed I had moved ahead when you and Peggy came on new in January and I thought oh I remember those days.  Hold on to every single  crumb and sliver you can find...how ever small.  Cause we will never get the whole back again, so crumbs and slivers are so important.  Whether it’s a sign that Jason has dropped for you, and as you get further along you will be more open to recognizing them, playing with your grandson, or simply sitting in your garden in quiet thought.  Every  time you slide back into that hole, remember that hole can’t sink any lower cause losing a child is as low as it can go.  So you got no choice but to dig in and climb back out.  And every single time you do, you will be a little bit stronger than the time before.  Your heart will get a thin scab over it, and yes there will always be things that will tug away at it, but the scab, the healing  it will be there. If you don’t think you can do a day right now, pick an hour or even a minute and just breath.  Not right now, but someday you and Meredith will get some comfort and maybe even a little laugh when you share your memories of Jason.  But right now friend it is just still too raw for you.  I don’t know anything about afib, but please get that checked so you are physically ok.  Just keep on picking and clawing your way Margee.  No our lives will never be the same again, I had three children too and and I know where you are coming from.  My email is ltaylor50@rogers.com if you want to talk there or I can even give you call if you want .  Whatever you want.  You may not know it but where ever you are on this grief journey is right where you should be.  I always think when I meet another grieving mom, that some how our angels in heaven brought us to together.  We will see our precious babies again, I know that.  Stay strong and feel free to reach out anyway you want.  Hugs .  And please get your afib checked out.  Luanne

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama.  

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Beautiful picture Margee. And I bet your Jason is in it too.  

[My girl is in heaven]

KJs mommy.  Yes you do feel like u are standing alone sometimes, after all you can’t even put into words to the outside world the pain you feel.  But you are not alone on this journey, my friend, all of us here are holding your hands and cradling your broken heart.  Even though a heart is broken is still keeps beating although we are not sure how sometimes.  Remember the poem and join the forest (us) whenever you want to.  We are all here holding on to you.  So if you feel a little squeeze around your shoulders, you’ll know what it is.  Hugs Luanne 

 Virginia.  Kira has been gone seven years this past June.  When she died I bought a whole bunch of big plastic bins and saved every single thing she had. And you know how much stuff a teenage girl has.   I wouldn’t look or deal with one thing.  I even moved all these bins with me to a new house.  Now I got a new psychiatrist last March (finally found a good one) and he told me seven years was way to long to be holding on to her belongings.  So as gruesome as this may sound here is what I thought .  If Kira was able to have donated her organs would I have done so and given others life?  Or would I have wrapped them up in the fridge and said no they are mine, I’m not going to let anyone have them.  Well of course I would have wanted to give others life.  So then why would I keep all her belongs in my basement all packed up.  Why wouldn’t I want to know that a whole bunch of needy girls somewhere would have a new soccer ball, or  a new Barbie or all the pretty little dresses to wear on Easter or to play dress up and have a tea party with thier dollies.  A nice purse or new make up bag for the teen girls.  So when I thought of it that way, I thought yeah, Kira would want all those girls to get some enjoyment out of her things,  so I picked out a few things to save and shed a few tears when I dropped her things off at a good will store, but the ladies there assured me how very many girls would be so happy with Kira’s things.  And our girls are soaring high in heaven together and doing what ever thier angel thing is.  They are only things, and it is freeing when you finally release them.  What we hold in our heart from our girls is what is most important.  This idea may not be for you or maybe too early, but I just wanted to share my experience and hope this might help you a little.  How is Kyle settling into school and your new job.  Very brave of you to have taken on the move.  Luanne

 

Luanne...Kira’s mama

 

[KJs Mommy Always]

Thank you so much Luanne. You always say the things to give me that push that I need so much. Today has just been hard. Every Monday is hard because Monday was the day that my son died. God I miss him so much. This picture was of me visiting him at the daycare on my lunch break. I don’t know who was happier that day, me or him. My only son. God, why me?

[MargeeTx]

KJ'S mommy-  he is an absolute darling.  I am sending you both a hug and a kiss, and many warm feelings from my heart. 

xxoo margarett

[KJs Mommy Always]

Thank you margarett

[KJs Mommy Always]

Margrett,

im sending lots of love your way also. Putting on a happy face is hard and I’ve had to do it this past weekend for a reception that my in-laws has thrown for us. Everyone had that look on their face, you know, that dreaded look that only mothers that have lost their children get. God bless you and your family. Words can’t express or even begin to say how sorry I am. Im sorry we have to come to this website, but I’m glad we all have a safe place to come to during times like this. 

[My girl is in heaven]

KJs mommy.....precious picture, a treasure for sure.  I used to ask why me, out of all those kids in that high school why my daughter. God must be punishing me for something I’ve done. But I’ve come to learn over the years that we don’t really know why these things happen but god did not look down and  “pick” our child. He wept too on that day.  Hope u get a job change soon.  Keep coming here. We ar with you.  Hugs

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[KJs Mommy Always]

Thanks Luanne.

Im definitely going to keep coming back. I know we’re all in this together.

[Bea8924]

6:30 am the 4th of September,

That is a day I will always remember.

Cause on this day I gave you birth,

God blessed me with an angel on earth.

With a kind spirit,

And unforgettable smile.

Pure love in the form of a child.

 

Looking into your eyes,

I know love at first sight is true.

Because of all the things my hands have held the best by far was you.

 

Your first birthday in heaven,

Amongst the angels you will be.

But what I would give if you’d

Spend it with me.

 

I’d put my arms around you

Give you a big “SQUEEZE”

Just like the ones you used to give to me.

 

But since your up in heaven,

I'm left to reminisce

To honor you and show you,

How much you're truly missed.

 

I will celebrate your birthday,

Filled with memories and love.

Buy you some balloons,

Send them to heaven up above.

 

Buy you a cake is the least I can do.

Light up the candles,

And sing “Happy Birthday to You”.

 

But blow out the candle,

Because you're not hear.

Promise to make you feel special,

With each passing year.

 

Your first birthday in heaven,

And all I wish to do,

Is let the angels know,

How much I'm missing you.

 

I hope the angels celebrate,

The happy life you lived.

The smile that you gave,

And all the love you would give.

 

I'll try not to worry on how your birthday in heaven was spent.

Cause I know your safe in heaven,

And my best wishes were sent.

 

I'll hold you in my heart,

I think about you still.

I miss you.

I love you.

Always have, always will.

 

Happy 5th birthday Naisa.

I wish we were together.

I love you on your birthday,

Now until forever.

[My girl is in heaven]

Happy heavenly birthday little Nezzy.  I know my Kira and all our angels are holding you tight.  

[daveydow1]

Virginia------Yes, I know what you mean about trying to sort through things that

belonged to Nique.  It may be too soon, although there is no written 'guidelines'

as to when this could be done.  There will always be heartache in this activity,

that's for sure.  Maybe you could just set it aside for awhile, and go back to it 

later on when you feel you are a bit stronger.  That is what I did with my baby,

Lisa's, baby clothes & toys;   and then again years later with my son, David's

belongings.  It is a very difficult and painful thing to do.  Just be kind to yourself,

and give it a little time.  Peace to you.

KJ'sMom-----Thanks for the pic....KJ is an adorable baby, and it's plain to see that

you adore him.  I, too, asked  the "why me"?  question when my baby, Lisa, died

at 6 mo.......the same age as your precious KJ.  I guess there is never an answer....

Bea8924------thank you for the beautiful poem.  Very insightful and good words.

Thank you for posting the lovely pics of your dear little daughter.

Margee----The 6 mo. mark is so very painful since it is so recent since your

son, Jason, passed;  and yet may seem like time is slipping away.  Please take care

of yourself and get the rest you need.  Thank you for the pic of your other children.

Yes---it is hard to see the pictures without your Jason being in them,....I know...I'm sorry.

 

PEACE    TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom-----sherry

[ericasmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday sweet Little Nasia. Nezzy. I know that you are surrounded by all of our Loving Angels, taking care of you and celebrating your most special date...the day that brought you to your Mommy and Daddy. The day that allowed joy unimaginable. It is you Nezzy, that brought that to so many May you let your Parents know that you are near, that you will always be near.

 

Peace one Day Bea.

[Somersky]

So I got a call back from the BC arrhythmia at St.Pauls as you know and Skylar tested positive for four genetic metabolic heart conditions. I assume I don’t need to tell you how worried I am for our daughter .....I guess I just pray that everything is okay 

[KJs Mommy Always]

Bea-Happy Birthday Naisa! What a beautiful baby girl Naisa is. I know that your heart is broken. I’m sorry. Beautiful poem. I hope that you’re finding peace and comfort in some form today. 

[KJs Mommy Always]

daveydow1-Thank you. I miss my baby’s beautiful face. I miss rubbing my fingers through his thick curls and seeing his dimples when he smiled. The way he’d wake up and smile at me, like, “Ok mommy where’s my milk, and why aren’t you holding me?”

[Somersky]

Happy Belated birthday to Nasia:)

Beautiful beautiful poem!

[peggy a sad mom]

omg luanne thank you so much. write all you want i love it. i know what you mean about people it's too bad. i went to my meeting last night and there was a mom there that said she feels really bad about going to people's wakes and it does not affect her at all. i said i have not been to one yet (i guess another first) but i am sure i will be the same way. as we know nothing is worse then this and we can probably tolerate anything. she lost her son 5 years ago i'm happy to know her. she called me out of no where and invited me to these meetings 6 months ago. i still may need therapy because it's just so much. then things get even worse if its possible when i start feeling sorry for myself which has been happening alot.

doe's any one else ever feel sorry for themselves?

luanne now i'm sorry for going on and on but i know we are all here for each other

thank you so much

peggy

[ericasmom]

Peg, yes, it is natural to feel sorry for yourself, you are in deep grief, you miss your Boy, it won't always be that you feel sorry for yourself, but you would feel sorry for another person, so why not for your own self. Now what to do if it is something you cannot ever grow from...that is for therapy. But I will say that there are times I feel darn sorry for having a Daughter that died when she was 19...and it was 15 years ago. I think that the first year was my saddest year, after that I was able to find ways to live more in the moment, to find ways to enjoy the moment is one way to not always be immersed in sadness...take a class, ride a bike, take walks, switch something up so taht you are physically doing something different or new to make your brain and spirit build new connections.

Kristen, what kinds of tests do the doctors suggest for your Daughter?

 

 

[NiquesMom]

Happy birthday sweet nezzy, hug your family and let them feel your love !

[NiquesMom]

So if you haven't watched The Shack yet,  I have mixed feelings about it.  I love the message,  it meshes with everything I believe,  but it was very hard to watch,  I was crying through nmmost of the movie.  My husband watched it with me and was asking if that's how I feel,  with the anger the father had.  I Said I had anger at the beginning but now I am just sad. He wasn't niques father so the loss is different for him,  it's hard for him to watch me in pain and there is nothing he can do. 

So,  I liked the movie but be warned of the imminent tears.