Loss of an Adult Child

[katibug98]

I love all of the insight on Robin Williams.  Such a tragedy.  He was the same age as my dad.  He had an amazing career.  I remember Mork and Mindy. 

 

My first day was yesterday.  Surprisingly...it was boring.  I guess I should have suspected as much.  There is training that must be done yearly.  Things like:  blood born pathogens, child abuse/neglect reporting, discipline, etc.  And so today, will be much of the same...only it will probably be a staff meeting, getting last minute applications set, calls made, organization done, etc.

 

The only time I got misty was when they were talking about neglect in the medical sense and us being mandated reporters.  My soon to be ex was reported to CPS by the hospital for neglect since she was in his care while I was in the hospital with the oldest daughter.

 

Anywho...I'm off to get going on my day.

[Mermaid Tears]

Katie....am glad the first day back at work was 'boring'....that means your thin ice 'persona' wasn't stretched...that thin ice covering the grief....I applaud all that have to step back into a 'normal' role....when they haven't figured out their 'new normal'....I simply had to cocoon...I was so blindsided by the sheer force of grief...how heavy...how dark....how lost I felt knowing my John David was not in the earth home with his Mama....it is still foreign....

but I feel I am coming into a resigned phase...

 

Sandy....you must be in that empty hole...the one that only has one direction....down...

and that is 'ok'....I slip down there, too.....even after two years...

on this site we don't ask anything of each other....

we are just here to hear....you must be missing your Sarah so very much...

and...how is your husband...? From what I gather....the last surgery did not correct the pain issue.

 

 

Gee.....I wonder about Debbie....she just fell off the map....am hoping it has nothing to do with all the abusive people that were in her life.

[Steve s mom]

Just Sharing attached

[Steve s mom]

sharing

[Mermaid Tears]

Steve's Mom....nothing came through

[ericasmom]

Susan, I have been thinking about Debbie too, and Gretchen as well. WHERE ARE YOU?

 

Katie, work helped me manage through my early grief, now looking at starting work in a week, I am hoping that I drum up some energy. I become more energetic around kids, but at age 58, my body doesn't have the zip it used to have. And I love my summer afternoon naps. Ahhh.

 

Kate, we have seen many reports on television on the news of suicide hotlines getting more calls than usual. Perhaps Robin Williams' death will help people find ways to ask for help. I hope so.  We are enjoying some nice weather right now as well. Breezy and not hot. I think it has come from your part of the world so thank you.

[Mermaid Tears]

I guess we can be kindred spirits when we can share this One Kind of Grief...

 

have been wondering about Gretchen...the little metal stars story stays with me...

 

have been wondering about Wade....maybe he returned to Alaska after his Mom's funeral...he and his wife have certainly had a hard time on this grief journey...

 

I think of Surreal....his anger came through the screen....and none of us can fault a parent for having that kind of anger..we understand it

[ericasmom]

And Ted too, where are you Ted. Just want to know that each of you are alright. Brenda from a long while back, so many that I have known that I wonder about. No obligation of course, just wonder and hope that they are each fine.

 

I can't seem to stay awake today, I took a nap outside under the river birch, my favorite spot for a nap. I fell into a deep sleep as the birds were all around and busy and the trucks nearby and planes overhead hummed and banged, but I just had to sleep waking from some of it and falling right back. I could go back too, don't know why. Barometer changes do that to me, but again, as an older girl now, I really like to nap.

 

Lora, any bites to sell your folks home?

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....I so envy people that can 'nap'....my husband can...and does take a nap each day....

if I took a nap I would be bouncing around like a tennis ball til 3 in the morning....

ever since John David's Angelversary...my sleep patterns have returned to Zombie Walk..just as they were after I lost him for 1 1/2 years...I can go to sleep but wake around 2 or 3 and then wide awake...ready to get up.....and then have a crash around 10 in the morning and then the Zombie walk....I press forward...knowing my body has to wear out sometime and I will sleep from sheer exhaustion....

   I guess my body rhythms...and brain chemicals got all turned over by the stress/grief....grief/stress....that inner stress/grief can do alot of harm to our mental and physical bodies....

 

Laurie....have you learned anything informative with your research....

am thinking when Fall comes and I have more spare time....I am going to check lots of things out on youtube...

[daveydow1]

Hello   indigos.

 

Not much to say today, but just would agree with all of you who expressed

sadness at the death of Robin Williams.  I agree, Shannon,......he did have

the eyes of an 'old soul'. He will be missed.  May he rest in peace.

 

 

PEACE  TO   ALL.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

[shorty16]

Kate

Good for you, going back to work. For me, work forced me think of something other than the death of my son. I do realize, some parents cannot go back to their type of job...or not at all.

My company was very supportive. I was 32 hours a week for over a year.

I wish you the best of luck...your baby girl is proud.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Jeff's Mom]

Good Morning, Indigos.

 

Colleen, I truly agree that one of the most vital things we can do is to stay as busy as we can.

 

Kati, I hope your first few days back to work have been good ones.

 

Susan, Ross has perfected taking a nap almost every day. Sometimes just catching a quick few winks helps to revitalize the body. I too would be up most of the night if started that habit.

 

We had a pleasant surprise yesterday when we walked into the site. They had begun the job of placing the bench further back.. I was so pleased to see how quickly things are getting back into place. They had also begun to dig another bigger garden. This is terrific as it is a bit of a go trying to dig in that area. Now al I have to do is decided what to plant next spring. It was so peaceful yesterday. There were our usual pair of pelicans loating in the lake in front of the bench. Not long after a family of ducks came by. I thought of Becky as I saw them and wondered how her little feathered friends are doing.

 

Sherry, I did not realize that house wrens often have two sets of babies over the season. One little house is positively a buzz with activity once again!

 

We are just now getting ready to head into the city to go to Assiniboine Zoo to see the Polar Bear Journey to Churchill Exhibit. We will not have time to see everything at the zoo as Ross's appt. is just after lunch. I have heard so much about this that we thought we would take the time to try to squeeze it in today. Our Human Rights Museum is scheduled to open in September and there is also much excitement about the opening of this amazing place.

 

Thinking of everyone today. Hope your day is a good one. Love, Kate

[ericasmom]

Kate, have a wonderful day with the zoo visit. I feel like I have read something about this exhibit you are seeing. The human rights museum sounds like a great draw too. Will that be in the same vicinity?

 

Going to be a busy one today, with some babysitting and scurrying about with school stuff. Naps? Could not take a nap as a young woman not even when the babies were babies and one needed a nap to replenish. Could not do it. NOW? Heavens if I could take a nap each day, I would. During the school year I of course do not nap, and on weekends don't dare as I might give up some daylight, some free moments.

[Steve s mom]

deleted

 

sorry couldnt attach anything yesterday or today

[Steve s mom]

sorry for the double posts having difficulty posting the past few days

 

Steve's dog Snoop (dogg) had to be put to sleep yesterday at the age of 14.

 

At least they are together again.

 

I am trying to attach a photo

[katibug98]

I'm posting on the fly.  I'll try to get back here tonight and post more detail.  I was so exhausted yesterday...I realized that being overtired, just makes me miss Cora more.  I cried off and on all the way to my chiropractor appointment yesterday.  Today is an "in-service" meeting and I'm driving my car.  It'll be good.  I think.  We shall see.

 

Have a decent day all!  Peace, hugs and love all around.

[Mermaid Tears]

Steve's Mom.....so many on this site knows how painful it is to let go of the last living part of our child...a cat or dog..bird..that pet that was by their side....I have Cowgirl...John David called her 'his girlfriend'....she is getting old...

 

I think you mentioned (or it could have been another parent....I sometimes get a 'foggy' head/memory)....about cleaning out his room....or rearranging it.....how did that go?

 

I love what you posted....

 

 

 

yesterday..?? or the day before....I posted something about 'we have been to our own kind of hell and back'

 

this reminded me of what parents have gone through in losing that child...or children....

[Mermaid Tears]

sorry....the site will not allow me to post pictures/photos....

 

Laurie....if you are there..and reading....your are our Techno Genius on here...can you let the ones in charge know we are having problems....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Maryann,

I understand your thoughts on Steve and Snoop being together. Tris had a boxer, Britney. She got her when she started kindergarten. Britney passed two years before I lost Tris. They had such a bond and I imagine them together now.

Been in a different place lately. I've had so much going on around me, so many distractions. I've had more time to myself now. At least as much as a four year old allows. I'm just so tired and sad. It's one of those days where my mind keeps saying... I don't want to do this. I can't say that anywhere but here. People start to think you're giving up. I'm not. I've been up since dawn, outside picking onions and a bizillion more zucchinis, playing with Aiden. My soul is just so tired. Susan, I think it was you that talked about a sort of resignation. Maybe that's what I'm fighting, in a place where another layer of shock is being peeled away but a part of my mind is still clinging to it. I just miss my Trista so so much. Every cell in my body aches.

Kati, Sending you wishes for as much peace today as you can find.

Thinking of everyone today and sending lots of love to all.

Dee and Kati, I know you both love the butterflies. This one visited me this morning in the garden. Thought I'd share something beautiful with all of you.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Oops. Just saw Susan's post that we can't post pictures right now. Maybe later.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....I can only speak for myself....(yet there are common phases in grief)....

 

while I was at Port Aransas....so...so sick....when your body is so spent...there is a vacuum....and your mind will play out so many scenarios....of wishful thinking...and looking back is masochistic...I start to look back and it can bring such a hard gut wrenching pain....so I try to stay in the moment of 'just missing my boy'.....

it works sometimes...not all times....so I thought of where I was at this two year marker...

   for me....there will always be that certain place and time in the day...when 'I just want him back'....so child like...for nothing will bring him back...although there have been many fantastic fantasy voyages I have let myself go on...in search and finding him and bringing him back home...the all powerful Mom Wizard...

 

But I have this day...to learn to stay in the moment...yes...I have this grief...I have learned to 'carry it better'....it has become something as natural as breathing in and out....(although sometimes the heaviness of it can break me down and all I can do is breathe)....I can't go back.....

   I get this powerful feeling of 'longing' or.....it is the same emotion of being very homesick...that is the only way I can describe the feeling....so elusive in trying to communicate 'that feeling'.....

    and there were times I lived far away from my 'home'...(my hometown and family)....and the waves of homesickness would wash over me......and then I would have to become 'resigned' to being there....and making the best of it.

 

And that is where I am now. Those are the only words I have to explain this place where I am at.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon....I can only speak for myself....(yet there are common phases in grief)....

 

while I was at Port Aransas....so...so sick....when your body is so spent...there is a vacuum....and your mind will play out so many scenarios....of wishful thinking...and looking back is masochistic...I start to look back and it can bring such a hard gut wrenching pain....so I try to stay in the moment of 'just missing my boy'.....

it works sometimes...not all times....so I thought of where I was at this two year marker...

   for me....there will always be that certain place and time in the day...when 'I just want him back'....so child like...for nothing will bring him back...although there have been many fantastic fantasy voyages I have let myself go on...in search and finding him and bringing him back home...the all powerful Mom Wizard...

 

 

 

Yes, this is true....I have been on many "voyages of the soul" myself...but it does just come down to, "I just want him back'....the "all powerful Mom Wizard" yes, that is me too...

 

Is it okay Susan, if I share a few of your thoughts with my husband? I won't if you don't want me to...I think he needs a mom's perspective...

 

As far as what I am looking into now...I have signed up for the session from Dr. Mary Neal on the IANDs site...I think her focus this year is going to be on grief since she too lost her son, Willie at age 18... this session was $19 and I believe one can submit questions at the end via the web conference and she can respond. I have a few questions I would like to ask which I want to prepare ahead of time.  Here is a link http://sfts.tv/iands-2014-conference/

 

Dee, my sister's tumors are kept in check by medications at this time. It seems to work but of course there are always other body effects from having tumors in the brain...

 

Mary Ann, it looks like your attachements came through this time. I am sorry for the loss of your son's dog. Animals are so helpful to people, as they give unconditional love and support. I know my dog has seen the absolute worse. She stays very close to me.

 

Kate, sending out prayers for Ross and you today. The plans you have sound good. I am glad that they are starting the fixes on Jeff's site.

 

Sherry, good to see your post. I always enjoy your country critter stories.

 

Katibug, wishing you well on the job. It is good to hear that your co-workers are so supportive.

 

Wondering about WADE and also Debbie. She mentioned that she was going to go to Dennis Apple, the grief counselor. I wonder what came of that.

 

Also sending out warm thoughts for Wanda and Gretchen..and Carol, haven't heard from you for awhile. Is your daughter doing okay from her surgery this spring?

 

Shannon, we too have some garden stuff coming in, I have been giving away so much because there are just too many cucumbers.

 

Also thinking about some of the other newbies that signed up...how are you all doing?

 

May post more later...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

What you said I can relate to. I have this thought/idea, irrational as it may be, that I will wake up from this. In my journal I wrote that I hold on to this thought that if I just do the right thing, say the right words, like some magic ritual or incantation, my Tris will come home. You say, all powerful Mom Wizard. There is a magical thinking and I guess that's what in fighting now. I'm not ready to let go of that yet but there is a part of me that is starting to anyway. There is a sort of civil war going on inside me and it's exhausting.

Laurie, I am also thinking about some of the sessions on the IANDs Conference. Thank you for sharing all you do.

[Kalikama]

4 months and 1 week.  This last week has been one of the worst in a long time and I can't say why.  Weepy, weepy, weepy.  Feel like I'm wallowing and don't know how to stop.  I am having trouble remembering him--My college friend died 4 months before him and I remember her, clear as day.  Her voice, her mannerisms, the way she stood up when she drove the boat, the clothes she wore, etc.   

 

But Ethan?  I see his pictures and know it's him, but cannot conjure up images of him in my brain.  Not his voice, his mannerisms, except how he ran up and down the stairs--in and out all the time.  Only his smell since I haven't done any of his laundry, I go to it to smell him.  I can't even think of memories.  Nothing.  Every once in awhile my husband and I will exchange a memory--he has more.  Am I just too numb?  Was I not paying attention when he WAS here?  Is it just too painful to remember, yet?  Has anyone else had this?  I feel so guilty and like the worst mother in the world because I can't picture my own child in my head.

 

Luckily, friends from out of state are coming in for the weekend and that will give me a distraction, so that will help me put on a happy face for a few days.  

[Mermaid Tears]

Kalik.....I think what you are experiencing is the human/mind/body ability to survive.....sometimes things will shut down in order for the body to process...experience...absorb anything that is horrific.....it can only let things in small amounts...I think that is why some experience a full mental/emotional breakdown....they try to process too much....

   we have to remember...we are only human...

 

also...what I had to learn is to simply give in...when the weepy days came....the tears would just crawl slowly down my face...no sobbing....just tears...and tears....

 

also....talked to a person in town who related to me she had just been to a funeral in Amarillo....her nephew had been found dead inside a vacant home....overdose....as yet...they don't know if that is where he died...or was placed there...the investigation is ongoing....

 

Was wondering if maybe once a week....local news could give a count of the ones who had died of overdose...then...the state could give a count.....as yet.....these deaths do not even register on the news....

   I wonder what the States or America would do if they got the full count....?

 

Laurie....of course use anything I post....will be very interested in what you signed up for...you can tell me how to do it...

[Mermaid Tears]

[Sailormom]

Kalikama

 

I have had bouts of blankness too....  then it all comes rushing back like a flood and overwhelmes. 

 

Steves mom...

They are together again..  We still have Brian's original cat he got at age 14, but he had just bought a kitten (8months old) 2 weeks before he died.  We had to take it back to the pet store.  We just couldn't keep it because of his original cat, which he couldn't take to his apartment cause it is an indoor/outdoor cat. The poor kitten was trapped in the apartment with him gone for 24 hours. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[brokenheart28]

I just lost my beautiful daughter, Holly, July 4th, 2014! I can't go on, how can I? I am very strong in faith and have a great relationship with the Lord, but I have no one to talk to about this. My husband, her father died suddenly 10 years ago the same month, July 24th, 2004. My son, Hollys older brother is not empathetic, he and Holly did not get along for years.

 

Losing my daughter is hell beyond hell! Holly was 29, never married and no children!

 

How she was killed, Holly was out drinking and partying with her boyfriend and friends, she was intoxicated and decided NOT to drive her car the night of July 3, 2014. Her so called boyfriend said he was ok to drive, friends told them to stay and he said "nay, we are going home." At 1:15 AM July 4th early morning, he says he thought the road went straight and it curved slightly, when he drove off the road. He was going 90 miles per hour on a county highway in Fergus Falls, Minnesota, and it was not a straight road but one that had a slight curve in it. Speed limit on road is 50 MPH and at the curve 25 MPH. He rolled the car trying to get it back up on the road to  my daughter, Holly's side, the passenger side! Holly had her right arm severed off, her right leg mangled, right hip broken and her chest crushed, not to mention she was found naked 30 ft. out into the lake. Her boyfriend walked away without a scratch or any broken bones, along with her two dogs had nothing wrong with them. 

 

When this happened at 1:15 AM in the wee hours, her boyfriend started yelling for help, which echoed across the lake, till someone called 911 to report a man screaming. Police arrived to him saying my daughter, Holly was in the car still. The firefighters and police officers tried, water was murky, lake was deep, no moon so no light, and they had to pry open the car doors to find she was NOT in the car.

 

Her boyfriend reaked of alcohol and was slurring his words, but would not take a breathalizer test, so they took him to local hospital to draw blood.

 

She was found 30 ft. out in the lake, naked and apparently had drowned coroner states in autopsy. Immediate death was drowning, then trauma, then car accident. 

 

My daughter, Holly lived with me up till last June when she met this man, that she called her boyfriend. We were like sisters, wearing each others clothes, going out together to meet friends, shopping, cooking together so she could learn, travel together to pick up horses for her to train, etc.

 

I am lost without her and not sure what to do now. Everywhere I look I see my beautiful daughter, Holly!

 

And to complicate things even more, I just got married to a man May 20, 2014. He has 3 adult children and does not understand or know what to do he days for me. The night I cremated my daughter, we were in Minnesota, we live in Texas, he wanted sex. The next night I picked up my daughter, Holly's ashes from the funeral home, he wanted sex!!!!!!!!

I have talked with him and all he says is, he is not happy and all I do is get mad all the time. I feel so alone now and cannot believe a man who I married and has children cannot be compassionate or sensitive to me now. We met due to he lost his wife and I lost my husband, at a widow/widowers event. We are only in our early 50's, so we both figured we would try again. Iam trying to deal with her being killed, the trial of her boyfriend in Minnesota, a new husband and work, etc. Please help me to see my way............................

 

Lost, Mary

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Mary....another Mom was just on this site...she lives in Austin...but her daughter was killed in a motorcycle accident up North...such similar stories...her name is Karen....such a horrific accident....and.....so far from home....we are here to hear you....

[Jeff's Mom]

Mary. I am so sorry for your loss. You have come to wonderful place where you will find comfort...and people who have experienced the pain you are now going through.  The worst imaginable thing that could possibly happen to you has indeed happened. You are safe here. You can open your heart and pain to us. We are feeling our losses too. We help each other on the up and down days. You will somehow manage to find the inner strength to continue. Much love, Kate

[ericasmom]

Mary, I am very sorry for the unbelievable pain you are now in. I know that pain as we all do here, that horrid phone call and the reliving of the worst event in your life...hang on please. We are here and as Susan said, to hear, to listen to your broken heart. We get it, won't be frightened away by it, so come here and let loose.

I think if I may say, that any person who would expect sex or any kind of romance or ANYTHING at all from a parent who has lost a child, should pack his bags and go find it. It isn't here anymore. The world changed and it is too bad that this young marriage was marred by this loss, but it takes a back seat to the pain and ache of a Child leaving.

I hope that the police in Minnesota are looking into why your daughter was naked and 30 ft into the water when the boyfriend was clearly drinking and not harmed and her injuries so very bad...

We are holding your hands, just lean in and breathe. Do not expect much more than tears, exhaustion, confusion and then more of the same. Please drink water throughout the day, you need it to replace your tears and to give you the balance you will need. One minute at a time for a while, it will come to be one 30 min. period at a time and grow from there, but that takes time and there is no rushing grief.

 

Kalik, Sweetie, you are likely shedding a layer of grief, it is blindingly hard on us when a thin layer comes away, exposing us to the harshness of light and life outside our doors. We often don't think that shock is still a part of our being when months have passed, but indeed there are many layers of shock and we lose one layer at a time. It is our body's way of assisting us with our grief, slowly to make the shifts in  our changed life, most of us lost a layer at around the 3 or 4 month mark. It is a noticeable feeling, a deeper sadness like an open sore. I was so frightened when I could not remember some stuff of my Daughter's life. I could not find her voice in my head, I could not remember some of her favorite foods, just thinking hurt because so much of my memory was gone, as though I lost her twice. But let me assure you, your memory is not lost, it is being protected under the layers of hurt, it is still there being preserved. One day when a bit more time goes past, and you are finding some new ways to llive in this world without your Child, those memories will come back and stay. We have to make so many changes in grief that some things get packed away, and we learn to make room inside of us for the grief, which then allows the room for the good stuff. Really, your images and rememberings of your Sweet Son are solid.

[Jeff's Mom]

Will try to post a couple of pics of our trip to the Zoo today. There was a particularly beautiful new exhibit that is called the Shirley Richardson Butterfly Garden. It as by far my favourite! The outside gardens and interior flower gardens are just breathtaking. Butterflies dancing all over the place. Just beautiful. I had several land on my shoulder.  The Polar Bear exhibit was indeed interesting, but they were snoozing when we were there and there were far too many people. Churchill is approximately 1000 miles north of here. It has the largest percentage of polar bears in the world. I also included a picture of snowy owls. They are one of my favouties. Thinking of everyone tonight. Kate

 

Each new day brings a challenge. Some days are good and some are bad. The most important thing is that we keep going. Take each day as it comes and deal with it. When things become too overwhelming then just deal with the day at hand. Yesterday was a good day for us. I won't deny we are anxious as always to get the results of the blood work, etc. from the cancer follow up tests yesterday. Nobody said it was easy. Keeping positive is the only alternative. Living each and every day to the fullest.

[katibug98]

Mary~I think the other gals said it perfectly.  Big {{hugs}}!

 

Kalik~I keep feeling like I didn't take enough videos...snap enough pictures.  I miss her little voice.  I keep finding bits of Cora's clothes in the laundry when I wash.  A sock is the usual culprit.  The other day I found one of her shirts in my 7 year old's drawer.  Her 'mimi' (blanket) is on my bed at all times, but it no longer smells like her.  If I'm having a particularly rough day/night, I snuggle in extra close and imagine that she's snuggled in to me.

 

Kate~Neat pictures!  Looks like a beautiful day.

 

Shannon~A friend of mine just posted a picture of a butterfly that visited her house today.  She said, "This little beauty was hanging around for quite some time today and I thought of Cora. As I got the camera ready she flew off into a tree. I said, "Come back, Cora. I'd like to take a picture for your Mommy." And just like that she flew back into the flowers on my deck! I showed her my chickens." I appreciate that my friends think of me.  It means a lot.

 

 

 

The pre-service meeting was pretty great.  I loved some of the things that were talked about and other things were a bit dry.  They showed us one video and it really spoke to me today.  It was about touching lives and changing people's live to make them better.  I even made a little of the 10 things that were said.  I really thought that I wouldn't be as tired as I am without having the kids there, but wow do I feel spent. The worst part was that I actually took a little nap this afternoon when I got home.  And I still feel as though I could lay down and sleep all through the night and all through the day tomorrow.

 

There is much to do tomorrow.  Webbing, lesson plans, and finishing the room tomorrow.  On a positive note, I don't have to worry about assessing the kids on science, social studies or the arts.  Yay!  One less thing!  Yes!

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....your photos are the only things I have seen that could tweak my Texas heart....and make me feel pulled to go there...

 

gorgeous...and peaceful....healing and quiet....

 

We are with you and Ross as in waiting for the results of the test...

 

I have become so humbled on my grief journey in losing my John David...

  my definition of brave.....is waking up and facing a new day....

   a hero is one that makes baby steps forward...

[Mermaid Tears]

Once again....Dee says it 'right' and in such a warm way....

 

Mary....you are facing the loss of your Holly....and also facing the horrific accident that took her young heart and life...please re-read what Dee posted many times....to let it all sink in....we become so crippled when we set foot on the grief journey..and yes.....be very 'kind and good' to yourself...

    we had another parent on this site...Debbie....she was surrounded by the most abusive people....and most of all...her husband who was not the Father of her son who had died....I would cringe when she would relate the things he said to her...

 

and once again...I cringe....when I read what you posted about your husband....repugnant...is the only word I can use to relate what I felt about your husband in reading your words....

 

there are worst things than being alone....and you are living with one...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Mary,

I just want to echo everyone else. I'm glad you found this 'place' of compassion. I made my way here, somehow, shortly after losing my Daughter in a car crash just over a year ago. We are hear to listen. We are all traveling this grief path. I am so sorry you are dealing with such insensitivity. No one should put expectations of any kind on a grieving parent and your loss is so fresh and you are so raw. I had a hard time in those first days giving or receiving affection of any kind from anyone. I was just too raw. I did not want to be touched at all. Please keep coming and reading and sharing as your able. Tell us more about your Holly and you.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Kate,

Thank you for sharing those pictures. It looks like such a beautiful place. I'm glad that it was a good day for you and Ross.

Kati,

That story of the butterfly made me smile. I know a lot of people see butterflies as being sent from a loved one. It makes sense that they would do that for us. The butterfly is a symbol of rebirth, transformation, and hope. Just what we all need. I have a similar story. It happened just a few weeks after we lost Trista. My niece and sister were here. Dani, my niece, and Tris were so close they were more like sisters. We were in the yard and a little purple butterfly kept swirling all around Dani. My sister told her that she must be sent from Tris. Dani says, "Ok, little butterfly if you're from Trista, come land on me." Almost as soon as she said it the butterfly landed on her big toe and just stayed there. Dani didn't want to move at all. She wanted to keep the butterfly on her toe as long as possible. I know it does help your heart to know that your Cora is being thought of and remembered. It's such an important thing to a grieving parent.

Here is the butterfly in the garden.

The deer love to jump the fence and eat our apples. This one came last night. Aiden loves to watch them and they have no fear of us. If they start to get nervous we just tell them softly that it's okay and they go right back to eating. Nature is one of the few places I find some peace and comfort.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....I do believe we ....(if we allow it).....will find more healing with Mother Nature...and in Mother Nature....for this is our Earth Home...not our first home....

 

one day....months after losing my John David...I was sitting on the patio...and became acutely..aware...of the birds flying right and left...frittering and fluttering....and then became aware of the sky and clouds...trees...plants ..bushes...and that it was like this gigantic canopy above and beyond...how it all worked together...blended...connected...

   how beautiful every little detail in this earth home....how I took it all for granted....but at that moment...I was a part of it all....and that little moment in time...I carry with me now...and have a higher reverence than ever before....

   for me....my deep grief has led to deeper lessons....there is that saying that goes something like this....'our broken hearts lets the light in through the cracks in it'....

[ericasmom]

I agree with you Shannon, nature has always been the piece of this world that allowed me to know that there is a plan and an energy that  has given this world so much beauty. Love the purple butterfly story too. And yes, Susan, that moment when you feel the connection you are to all things under the sun and moon is a wildly emotional moment---glory.

 

Kate, I love the photos you shared, thanks so much. Those snowy owls are simply majestic. Wow.

 

I have some swallowtail butterfly photos similar to yours Shannon, I do so love them. The yellows seem to hang out more than the black swallowtails. The black ones seem more skittish, maybe because they show up so easily in a summer garden, not a lot of black to sit near in order to camouflage.

 

Katiebug, I think that your friend is very special to have sent you that email. Many folks don't know what to do while we grieve, that was lovely.

 

An old friend of mine called last night asking what she can say to her cousin whose son was killed in July trying to break up a fight. How sad. He was 26 years old. A good kid/man.

Jackie, my old neighbor asked what would be okay to say and what just isn't. I commend her as she knows that somethings are just not the right things to say. I also asked her to give the momma of the boy, my email and we will see if she contacts me.

[Mermaid Tears]

Yes Dee...that connection has brought much solace to my heart...

and sometimes I feel as if I can peep in to something so grand...but I know I would not understand it...

[Mermaid Tears]

[Mermaid Tears]

Sorry....I still cannot post a photo...

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, your photos are just lovely! The butterfly is so beautiful! And I have always had a soft spot for deer. They are such gentle creatures. I agree about needing to find your own space at the beginning. I was a zombie. Honestly, I walked around for weeks unable to actually breathe. It all seemed so surreal. I kept thinking that if someone pinched me I would wake up from a horrible nightmare. It took a very long time and many tears before I could begin to go about my daily routine with any degree  of success. I found comfort and peace in surrounding myself with nature. That is why I frequently like to share pictures of what is going on around me. There is so much beauty out there in just taking a brief moment to "smell the roses" as they say.

 

Dee, I am curious how you responded to your friend. We are all so sensitive at times like this... and I think it was showing true concern and a willingness to truly be of comfort that she asked for your opinion. She sounds like a great lady.

 

Susan, I remember visiting an amazing Butterfly Garden in San Antonio a few years back. Their Botanical garden is spectacular. We spent a lovely day browsing through the gardens.

 

Mary, I have been thinking of you today and hoping you are doing ok. It is a very difficult period at the beginning. Please try to make sure you are taking care of yourself. I realize the desire is not there, and it is important that you not get run down and sick yourself.

 

We are having a very muggy day today. I am not actually a huge fan of humidity and so today is what I would call uncomfortable. We are desperate for some rain. Can't believe I am saying that after the horrible spring we have had.... still we have not had a drop in a full month. It is taking me ions to water everything. This weekend is yet another celebration in a close town that is celebrating their 100th. Anniversary. We hope to be able to take in many of the festivities. Apparently some man has constructed a miniature village that will be on display of the original town. I can't wait to see it. I remember as a child going to the old roller rink and amusement park and riding the tilt a whirl. Oh, how I loved those days. We spent summers at the cottage and it was a day when socializing was what was expected. No cell phones and all that other stuff. I love browsing through all of the local historical displays and watching the fireworks.  Should be a fun few days.

 

Wishing you all a good weekend...or as good as you can have given the circumstances. Love to all, Kate

[daveydow1]

Mary----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Holly.  There is

little anyone could say that would help your pain, sorrow, and devastation

at this time. One is always in a terrible state of shock when a child dies,

and it does take time to deal with the cloud of grief that hangs over you now.

Also, sorry that your new husband is not more sympathetic to you in your

terrible loss. This site is a pretty active one, and I hope that you will come

back. While each one must cope with the grief in their own way, it helps to

be in the company of others who know, firsthand, the sorrow you feel now.

My son, David also died in a horrific highway crash where his car was

flattened by a semi truck with the driver sleeping at the wheel. That was

11 years ago. This site has been a lifeline for me.  Wishing you peace

and comfort in this time of your great sorrow.

 

Kate----I didn't know anything about wrens either. This is the first

summer that we had them around.   Such lovely photos of the owls,

butterflies, moth, and flowers.   Thanks for posting them.

     

MaryAnne----Sorry that Steve's dog, "Snoop", had to be put to sleep.

It is especially heart-wrenching  to put down a pet that was part of the family

when our dear child was here on earth. We had the same thing with

our old cat, who was a favorite of my son, David. Yes...now "Snoop"

is with Steve....there's a place in heaven for all creatures of this

earth.

 

 

Susan----

I think that wanting our children back, is such a common

thought, and of course the emotions that go with that thought/wish.

I guess it's just another bump in this roller coaster journey.

 

Laurie----thanks for your post. Yep---everything is busy here

in the surrounding countryside. Lots of activity.

 

Dee----Sorry to hear about the man who was killed trying to break

up a fight. So sad that he paid with his life.  May he rest in peace,

and the person/persons responsible be brought to justice.

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry

[Angel Boy of Mine]

I have been feeling pretty down the last few days, so many painful thoughts floating through my head... missing my child... injustice... physically not well... then this morning, a friend of mine, Colleen Stetson Eklund sent me the following link, as she knows how my Jared admired the lion, and this picture was originally posted on April 23rd, on Jared's birthday!  No coincidence to me that his birthday (unknown to Colleen) was a part of this message spoken to me in the picture... I feel that Jared is reaching out to me to say he sees me guarding his memory, (mama lion watching over her young) and that he is thinking of me too. I love you so much, Jared,  <3 Infinity from your mom.

 

 

[daveydow1]

This is my new kitten,  "Daisy".....have had her only 2 weeks.   OOps....sorry. Will try again later.

[ericasmom]

Lovely Becky. Lovely.

 

KAte, Jackie is a good human, I thought it so good of her to find out what things folks said to me that felt right, that did not make me cringe. She just has not been able to pick up the phone to call her cousin which I told her is fine, it has to be right for you at the time, and those first weeks were filled by so much hectic times, wake and funeral, and cops, and so much. I hope that her cousin calls me and we can talk and maybe I can lead her here if she feels she can. Oh the butterfly exhibit is one of my favorites at a museum in the city, it is such a serene place, and just lovely to be within, and the butterflies just make it all better.

 

Sherry, a new Kitty. How wonderful for you. I can see you grinning.

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky...our Warrior Mom.....I so see that connection....I do....please...please...rest and heal....you have been in battle long enough...miles enough...your J D...wants you to rest...heal...and heal and rest....

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....our Spirit Guide....of course...you will know what word...or no word...so glad they have you...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

That feeling of connection and peace in nature that Dee, Susan, and Kate all talked about is what helps me most. I feel it so much working in Trista’s garden, the veggie garden, or just watching Aiden chasing butterflies.

Sherry, I hope you’re able to post a picture of your kitty soon. The story of our puppy is below. We almost named her Daisy. I’m going to try to post some pictures.

Becky, I love what you shared and surely Jared is saying, Thank you, Mom.

So today we got a small blessing. I’ve posted about Trista’s dog Britney. She got her when she was five years old. Those who are dog lovers know how close you become and a kid and their dog can become best friends. That was the case with Tris and Brit. When we got Brit my husband heard from a guy he worked with that the breeders had just one puppy left. She had been the ‘runt’ of the litter and no one had chosen her. They were getting desperate to find her a home. We met her and she was just beautiful. We took her home. She was always small framed for a boxer and very laid back but she was healthy. She was with us for 11 years. She passed when Tris was 16 years old. She was heartbroken. She talked of someday getting another boxer but she wanted to wait for her heart to heal. In the mean time she heard about Tazzy, her Pomeranian. He needed urgently to be rehomed as his owners could no longer keep him and she wanted him. Trista never got another boxer before she passed. For the past few months Zak and I have been talking about bringing a new boxer into our family. We both agreed that we wanted a girl. Zak had other requirements… preferably brindle (we were flexible on this), and she must need us in some way as Britney did. I checked the local boxer rescues but there were no dogs ready for adoption except for one girl that was about 10 months old. By the time I made contact she had been adopted. I looked at some reputable breeders in the area but no litters in the near future. So, we decided that it would happen at the right time and the right dog would find us. The other day we were talking to a someone about wanting a boxer again and were told that there was a family they knew of that had a litter. They had one puppy left and were trying to find her a good home. They were at a point that if they couldn’t they were going to have to send her to a rescue because they couldn’t keep her. I called the people and was told that they had reduced the price of the puppy to ‘best offer’ in an attempt to find her a home. I don’t like the idea of puppy mills but this little girl was already here and so we went to meet her. She is the spit and image of Trista’s Britney. She is small, just 10 weeks old. The owners sold her to us over the fence. It was sad. They seemed very nice but it was sort of like a ‘puppy drive through’. We just pulled up, they took our money and handed her over the fence. Again, I don’t like the idea of supporting this sort of thing but I did feel she needed to come home with us. And, as strange as it may sound, I kind of feel Tris brought her to us. Her name is Delilah and both boys are completely in love. All Zak’s requirements were met. She does need us, I believe. The similarities between the way we found Brit and how we found Delilah are amazing. I do think Zak wanted this dog to sort of honor his Sister. I think Tris is smiling. Tazzy however, is not so impressed, nor the cats but I think they’ll come around.

Aiden did this to her, not me

Zak and Delilah

Aiden and Delilah

Trista and Britney