The private grief world

[shawnt]

I love a good road trip.

Just finished a 15 hour trip to New Brunswick, split in 2 and schlepping my in-laws with me. You are never to old for adventure Rey. Go for it, enjoy the open road, let your mind wander as it only can when you are in the moment.

I let my mind wander a little to much and got a $377 speeding ticket in Quebec. Cie la vie.( Or however you spell it )

[HisMunchkin]

Has anyone here ever taken a trip in a motor home?  We did that once when I was very young.  I've always wanted to do it again and bring our dog along.  Thought we might do that later in life after retirement.  I don't drive, though, so all the driving would have been left up to my husband.   

[RichS]

That was one of my wife's dreams................rent a motor home to see the 48 states in one, long leisurely drive. Unfortunately, it never came to be.

[Roxeanne]

11 hours ago, shawnt said:

You are never to old for adventure

Yes...i would love adventure and emotions again...i loved leave with him!!!

I miss traveling together! I just can't say how much...

 

[LMR]

4 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Has anyone here ever taken a trip in a motor home?  We did that once when I was very young.  I've always wanted to do it again and bring our dog along.  Thought we might do that later in life after retirement.  I don't drive, though, so all the driving would have been left up to my husband.   

My husband and I did this. We took 2 years off, bought a motor home and traveled through the 48 states. That was back in 1988,89,90. It was a wonderful time, easier then I think than it would be now. We made many lifelong friends. We always intended to visit Hawaii and Alaska to "complete the set",  but time got away from us.

[widower2]

On 5/14/2024 at 2:19 PM, RichS said:

I know the feeling. I try not to look at myself in the mirror for very long.

ugh. I've hit those years too. Actually the mirror isn't too bad, but for some reason on Zoom calls at work I look horrible. Sometimes I just turn video off and go "oh my internet is acting up" as an excuse   It's true, youth is wasted on the young. I didn't appreciate having a full thick head of hair (and none of them gray) back then, or having eyes with no bags under them. This aging thing sucks.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

On 5/14/2024 at 11:19 AM, RichS said:

I try not to look at myself in the mirror for very long.

Saw this on FB: “Mirrors don’t lie.  I’m just glad they don’t laugh!”  😊

[KayC]

It was our dream too, alas, we never got to retire together, he died many years too soon.

[DWS]

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

It's true, youth is wasted on the young. I didn't appreciate having a full thick head of hair (and none of them gray) back then, or having eyes with no bags under them. This aging thing sucks.

I should probably put this in the whining thread but earlier this year, I ran into a past co-worker of mine. We had a good long chat catching up. He's only a couple years younger than me (I think he said he's going to be turning 60) but still has his full head of hair with hardly a grey one there. I asked him how is that possible? He laughed and said that he's noticed quite a few lately and I said "oh shut up"! 

It was really great seeing him and reminiscing about the large group of us who all worked together for some dozen years or so....but the one thing that stood out for me when we parted and I got into my van is how grief hasn't touched his life. He and his wife are still happily married...some 35 or more years later...with three sons and no problems health-wise. I recall that they had just had their first son when he was hired in the very early 1990s. It's really telling where grief has left me...recognizing those who live it from those who don't. 

[Boggled]

On 5/9/2024 at 9:09 PM, Bou said:

I mull too. I search too.  I have had to look at who I really am as being just me.  What do I like?  I have been wife, mother, grandmother, friend, care taker and who am I?   What do I like?  I have found out a few things along the way so far.  Whatever I can find happiness or something other then blah I look into it.  I have found healing in crystals.  Collecting them learning about them.  Thinking about something else besides my sorrow.  I have entertained cooking....lol.   Have engaged in a few other things that have brought me something,  a trickle of interest.

"a trickle of interest" is about what I find in myself too, Bou.  I think crystals are interesting too, but don't know how to use them for healing??   I carry a quartz crystal around that I keep in my purse.  Reading on Amazon has been one of my fascinations lately;  looking through books and reading reviews then looking at some (liked their review) reviewer's other reviews ... one of them mentioned a "tongue drum," searched all around ... a "trickle of interest" had hit!  Went ahead and bought a "tongue drum"  😄 ... laughng at myself but the "trickle of interest" in my head, I can see myself out on the back deck, just "ding ... ding ... ding ... ding ..." hitting some note that attracts me, sending it out to the plants and trees and flowers.   ... about where I'm at at this moment.   but it's way way better than it WAS.   I do know that.  

On 5/13/2024 at 7:16 AM, JonathanFive said:

Don't know how you woke up.   Definitely woke up in grief myself.   It's like that in the morning before coffee for me.  It usually subsides a little.   Ouch!!

yep.  That's how I woke up this morning.  yep.  

[Boggled]

2 hours ago, DWS said:

I ran into a past co-worker of mine. We had a good long chat catching up. He's only a couple years younger than me (I think he said he's going to be turning 60) but still has his full head of hair with hardly a grey one there. I asked him how is that possible? He laughed and said that he's noticed quite a few lately and I said "oh shut up"! 

The idea of trying to stay healthy goes in and out for me.  Got three dvd's about qi gong and tai chi from the library ... you only get dvd's for a week ... and I haven't even opened the cases.  I'm realizing if I want to try one of those exercises, I should just buy a dvd, maybe not a new one, used are usually cheaper.  But a week is not long enough for me to work myself up to ... just do it!   DO IT ... it's that motivation thing, finding a way for the "good you" to motivate the "lazy stupid no-good do-nothing you."   Even meditating, when "you" push "your" thoughts aside to clear your mind, who is the "you" who DOES that?   Well so far the good me isn't making the lazy me do any dvd's.   Gotta drive back to the library soon.   At least seems like "all of me" doesn't mind driving.   

[KayC]

What got my interest in going Keto (for life, not as a diet) was my health reaching a point of desperation, plus my son showed me the studies and he'd been on it for over a year (six now) and my friend had been 3 1/2 years, my son I have the utmost respect for (he's a genius with three degrees and holds a premium job) so that gave me confidence to just do it!  (as Nike says) I'm so glad I did.  Never going back to my old ways.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, DWS said:

He's only a couple years younger than me (I think he said he's going to be turning 60) but still has his full head of hair with hardly a grey one there. I asked him how is that possible? He laughed and said that he's noticed quite a few lately and I said "oh shut up"! 

This made me chuckle.

I noticed my first grey hair on my 30th birthday. No doubt it was there before, but I guess I looked a bit too closely that day. Much, but not all, of my hair is grey now 35 years later and most of my friends have gone natural grey. I still give my hair a gentle color rinse that actually looks very natural.

What was funny at the time was that my much younger sister (I was a teenager when she was born) started going grey her freshman year of high school and had just started getting her hair colored. Several years after that fateful birthday, I was whining about going grey and she looked at me with a smirk before saying, “Oh, well boo hoo for you.” Then we laughed.

[Boggled]

On 5/15/2024 at 4:39 AM, shawnt said:

I love a good road trip.

Just finished a 15 hour trip to New Brunswick, split in 2 and schlepping my in-laws with me. You are never to old for adventure Rey. Go for it, enjoy the open road, let your mind wander as it only can when you are in the moment.

I let my mind wander a little to much and got a $377 speeding ticket in Quebec. Cie la vie.( Or however you spell it )

ow!  on the speeding ticket!  but!  it's making me feel a little better ... just got the bright idea, the only things I've found interesting and sort of invigorating lately have been KIDS' TOYS.  I'd bought a battery-operated squirt gun;   ... hey!   it's fun.  I can squirt a little water on my plants with it!  I bought a nerf gun to shoot at the "bad cat," ... but the bad cat has disappeared lately.   (heh heh whaaahahaha!)  So I'm looking at toys for about 7 year olds on Amazon;  check this out ... Amazon.com: DDAI RC Cars Gesture Sensing Stunt Car - Best Gifts for Boys 6-12 Year Old 360° Rotating 4WD Remote Control Transform 2.4Ghz Hand Controlled Car Birthday Presents for Kids Age 7 8 9 10 11 yr : Toys & Games

That oughtta be good for a bit of engagement with the world ... and this:

Amazon.com: Sueseip Kids Smart Watches Girls Toys Age 6-8, HD Touchscreen Dual Cameras Kids Watch for Girls Ages 8-10, Kids Toy with 26 Games MP3 Learn Card for 5 6 7 8 9 Year Old Girls Christmas Birthday Gifts : Toys & Games

man, it's got time, cameras, and games ... kids have really neat stuff these days?  

it's re-establishing identity via kids' toys.    ... and even if you haveta spend $$$, still cheaper than the grown-up speeding tickets huh?   😉  ... sorry you got that ticket, shawnt, though.  😢

 

[KayC]

I wish you'd posted those earlier, they'd have been great ideas for my grandkids before I sent my DIL a check for it...of course, who knows if my granddaughter already has a smart watch, her dad works for Garmin.

[Gail 8588]

3 hours ago, Boggled said:

. . .  DO IT ... it's that motivation thing, finding a way for the "good you" to motivate the "lazy stupid no-good do-nothing you."  

This is my struggle to a tee.  Trying to get the "good me"  to do what I know needs to be done. 

[HisMunchkin]

19 hours ago, LMR said:

My husband and I did this. We took 2 years off, bought a motor home and traveled through the 48 states. That was back in 1988,89,90. It was a wonderful time, easier then I think than it would be now. We made many lifelong friends. We always intended to visit Hawaii and Alaska to "complete the set",  but time got away from us.

Where did you park for the night?  Were there special dedicated areas?

 

5 hours ago, DWS said:

He's only a couple years younger than me (I think he said he's going to be turning 60) but still has his full head of hair with hardly a grey one there.

The optometrist I saw last year was in his early 60's and had a full head of hair and no grey.  I actually asked him if he coloured his hair and he said no.  I said, "Seriously??  I'm SO jealous!!!" and he said, "You should be!" 😛  I started going grey at 18.  At 49 now, I'd say I'm about 40% grey. 😤  I think I have as much, if not more grey hair than my grandma when she passed away at 93 or 94.

 

5 hours ago, DWS said:

but the one thing that stood out for me when we parted and I got into my van is how grief hasn't touched his life.

Maybe it has?  Grandparents, parents, friends, pets?...  It really depends on how close he was to them, of course, and how he dealt with it as well.  I know someone who lost her husband to a car accident many years ago.  She bounced back pretty quickly even though they were close and had a good marriage.  Didn't have a lot of the problems I seem to be facing like anxiety.  She went on vacation with her kids about 3 months after her husband's death and had quite a good time.  She recently had a bout of cancer and had to go through all sorts of treatments, but she's still in good spirits, is quite social, has hobbies and is still learning new things.  I think some people's character and personality just lends itself to being more resilient.

 

3 hours ago, Boggled said:

Even meditating, when "you" push "your" thoughts aside to clear your mind, who is the "you" who DOES that? 

I thought you weren't suppose to push your thoughts aside while meditating?  I thought you were just suppose to notice them, maybe label them "thoughts", and then watch it flow away.  

 

55 minutes ago, Boggled said:

just got the bright idea, the only things I've found interesting and sort of invigorating lately have been KIDS' TOYS.  I'd bought a battery-operated squirt gun;   ... hey!   it's fun.  I can squirt a little water on my plants with it!  I bought a nerf gun to shoot at the "bad cat," ... but the bad cat has disappeared lately.   (heh heh whaaahahaha!) 

😂 

Have you tried some old fashioned toys like the paddle ball: https://www.amazon.com/Toysmith-Bounce-Back-Paddle-Ball/dp/B002XNSDI8/ref=sr_1_27?crid=156LJJ2TKXGC9&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.We0y6BMJ3v6vWwWi6-6BEWJ2r2bilFYXFCL6kWlw5yfTmjo0pB7Z0wDecxH5l7OtYxWStUBIM9fv_oHneb9gZaY73diNrsRTrb9TmQ542lVztK7D29M0Q-qM3jdcuycTvR1ZsiF7EaO1tjloF1xV-Ul0vjAEUBEvKeTACDeCXnDyDtLfxJtZXbBdF_68h-7hcYJx24n6tAdoBuB6rmk52eAwgGS8xnHj2C6j6pCMsITsKezmwTKKRcXYhnv19oDJWMQXcxy0Yh1jV2gZKX6CBjXlEa6bn3njA24UbWdK2Ss.m9TG4TqLBb6JPwDvGjlrzM2ll4WpHi73ISW_xLoIxOg&dib_tag=se&keywords=paddle+ball&qid=1715883245&sprefix=paddle+ball%2Caps%2C94&sr=8-27 

 

Yoyo? https://www.amazon.com/Duncan-Imperial-Yo-Yo-Fuschia-Orange/dp/B071935J8Z/ref=sr_1_5?crid=3M9JG3Y6D97RQ&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.ywhVSD0w8ZIx_Vm2-4slUEv8wz-hLDT2OggwTkG6-RHWlzGAxBh7NKTt2tJDNPxh95ufKCtb0UV1_dkmca9oCY6nGLeTSFFEEMs1kyalFHjKRiIAf223Wwdy6sv1wII3reAKTCLZECjGeU6_4rOqWNBkLDCeYIA17QqtN1t23n9SWtGPnkH-KyeZPCf4sofz6rzENCRnRalU2ZSw1AdI3erPlG3HkwQdXqw6MHELUg2iQvIZTRSHtOgi8SCmY4MxECTBotIkihusAByaKyL-5WeKF83x_wEi3iOSnAZ0_og.D6ucsO0tZwgxDc2_fHQ5-nnwQXWAAr-q__wJM676E64&dib_tag=se&keywords=yoyo&qid=1715883384&sprefix=yoyo%2Caps%2C94&sr=8-5

[LMR]

47 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Where did you park for the night?  Were there special dedicated areas

 

Quite early on we came across a park system called Coast to Coast. I don't know if they are still going but it was a great set up, a bit like a timeshare. You buy into a park and then you can use the whole system staying for just a dollar or two a night back then. It saved us a fortune. We planned the routes to take in as many of their camps as possible as that was the cheapest way. Occasionally we stayed in state parks and sometimes Walmart car park or the driveway of people we'd met en route. The freeway rest stops often have dump stations which are handy.

Friends thought we were crazy but we never regretted it. Thanks for making me think about this. They are great memories.

[Boggled]

18 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

This is my struggle to a tee.  Trying to get the "good me"  to do what I know needs to be done. 

I THINK it helps to find some way to have FUN.   It's quite antithetical to "grief," but something in me is finally, finally, popping up ... starting, finally, to WANT to "do something" and is trying to find a way to "re-engage" with the good feelings of life.  (in my case, I'm playing with toys for a 7-year-old! ... which is about where I figure I'm at emotionally and probably mentally!)  

and found another link (and another book) that, for ME, might help, because it's about what I too think is real ... VALUE of grieving:  There is consolation in a philosophical approach to grief | Psyche Ideas

[Boggled]

18 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

😂

Have you tried some old fashioned toys like the paddle ball:

I have a yoyo, HisMunchkin ... went and got it and yoyo'ed a while yesterday.   I CAN DO IT.  And it's moderately fun, at least for a few minutes.  I'd bought a jump rope months ago, but only used it a couple of times and realized I've totally lost the ability I used to have to use it!  🥴  ... maybe eventually I'll get up the gumption to go jump with it ... more.   maybe.  heh heh.

[Boggled]

17 hours ago, LMR said:

Friends thought we were crazy but we never regretted it. Thanks for making me think about this. They are great memories.

Man, you do have some great memories, LMR!  You-all must have been quite the travelers!

[KayC]

21 hours ago, foreverhis said:

What was funny at the time was that my much younger sister (I was a teenager when she was born) started going grey her freshman year of high school and had just started getting her hair colored.

My sister Polly was white in her 20s, so glad she didn't color it, it's striking, especially with her dark eyebrows.

[Boggled]

19 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

I thought you weren't suppose to push your thoughts aside while meditating?  I thought you were just suppose to notice them, maybe label them "thoughts", and then watch it flow away.  

"I thought YOU were just supposed to notice them ..."  yep, but either way, there's still that "YOU" behind the front of yer head!  ⁉️  so ... layers of "you."

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

My sister Polly was white in her 20s, so glad she didn't color it, it's striking, especially with her dark eyebrows.

My sister’s grey at the time was “mousy,” flat (in color), and looked odd in her light-medium brown hair. During COVID, she had “COVID hair, don’t care” the way so many of us did. Her grey is now kind of a mix of steely silver and light grey. It looks good overall, so she decided not to go back to full coloring. Now that she’s 50 (sheesh, that makes me feel old 😅), she just has her stylist do a gentle highlight because the slight golden tint over the lighter grey is more flattering to her skin tone. Her eyebrows are blonde now, so they look good with the highlights in her hair.  She looks beautiful—and 10 years younger than her age without “trying.”

One of my friends has the most beautiful all white hair and another has a striking mix of silver with darker grey. Mine is still mousy and “blah,” but the color I use is several shades lighter than my original natural medium-dark brown with gold-red highlights. I only use semi-permanent (doesn’t strip the color) and leave it on half the time. That infuses the grey with a light gold and the light brown with a glossy highlight. Someday when I am all grey, I may stop if it doesn’t look so muddy on its own.  One of the great things about the semi-permanent is that my hair takes it as permanent so I only have to do the roots and I can do it at home.

[RichS]

8 hours ago, Boggled said:

but something in me is finally, finally, popping up ... starting, finally, to WANT to "do something" and is trying to find a way to "re-engage" with the good feelings of life.  (in my case, I'm playing with toys for a 7-year-old! ... which is about where I figure I'm at emotionally and probably mentally!)  

Glad that you're feeling better about this. One of these days I may join in as well....................

[Gail 8588]

17 hours ago, Boggled said:

. . . . something in me is finally, finally, popping up ... starting, finally, to WANT to "do something" and is trying to find a way to "re-engage" with the good feelings of life.  . . . 

At about 3 and a half years,  something in me changed. I just could not go on living as I had been, half-dead, having no emotions, not caring about anything.  I really worked at trying to find a way, any way, back to being engaged in life.  I went through Kay's list and tried to implement some of her suggestions, like volunteering to drive meals-on-wheels, worked on a river restoration project, and volunteered with Sustainable Tallahassee. I'd  sign up for "How to" classes at Home Depot just to have to go out and interact with people.  I bought a Learn how to Play Piano cd and book and set up a regular schedule to practice. Just a bunch of random stuff to try to get back to living.  It really did seem to help. 

It was another year before I really started feeling the difference.  But by then I knew I was no longer a zombie just surviving each day.  I was on my way back to being a human. 

Which at times can still suck, like with the divorce my son is going through.  But I'm  better. I can feel joy and feel pain now.  I do care.  Even when life is miserable now, I am glad I am no longer a zombie.

Keep playing games. Laugh.  Feel proud when you do a great yoyo trick, feel silly,  the key is to Feel life again. 

[LMR]

18 hours ago, Boggled said:

I have a yoyo, HisMunchkin ... went and got it and yoyo'ed a while yesterday.   I CAN DO IT.  And it's moderately fun, at least for a few minutes.  I'd bought a jump rope months ago, but only used it a couple of times and realized I've totally lost the ability I used to have to use it!  🥴  ... maybe eventually I'll get up the gumption to go jump with it ... more.   maybe.  heh heh.

I was rereading these posts this morning and a memory popped into my head. It was from early days in our marriage. I was out shopping and saw a hula hoop. They weren't "in" at that time and I hadn't seen one in years but I thought it might be good for exercise. I bought it and walked home with it, the passing cars kept honking at me. 😂

[RichS]

5 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

At about 3 and a half years,  something in me changed. I just could not go on living as I had been, half-dead, having no emotions, not caring about anything

Gail:  Glad that you had a breakthrough. Was thinking about my situation yesterday. If Chris could communicate with me in some way, telling me that I should move forward with my life and that she'll meet up with me later, that would give me the breakthrough that I need. Of course, that would not be realistic to expect that. Possible, but not realistic.

[Boggled]

On 5/10/2024 at 8:43 AM, Boggled said:

But part of my 'other' that I'm carrying in my 'self' was a pretty tough strong person, and my 'other' would also be searching for a way of "coping with grief."   And he is in me.  So, regardless of being "merged" with the deceased, and very very very slowly in my case, I AM COPING.  Just by little by little starting to do more things and BEING.  And in my case, that is, BEING 'US.'  ...

It's so weird.  Somehow with this toys thing I've started, I'm remembering ... other things my husband was like ... he was a DJ in the '60s!   He loved 60s music!   I just found and played this old song that started going through my head ...  from the 60s ... the point is, he had fun!  He had a lot of fun!   He was ALIVE in all the aliveness we all have as young folk!  and if he is still IN ME as I have been thinking, that capacity to have fun is IN HIM, IN ME.   

You-lot are all soooo sweet.!   Gail, I hope you are getting back out of your falling-back-into-bummedness!   oh so that is not a word.  hunh.  oh well.  I'm using it anyhoo!   (and anyhoo not a word either, eh?  eh.)   My personal opinion on that would be "ya gotta let the kids work it out for themselves.  They have to learn."    Y'all have made me think about other stuff to play with!  a hula hoop!?  cool.     I could get back on keto to get my waistline back for that.    Piano!  kids' piano!  I've just looked at some on Amazon;  we used to have a kids' organ that I used to play with!   

But before going wild and buying more toys, ... take it slow, me!  ... The tongue drum is here!  Gotta go OPEN THE BOX.  And it's okay, I'm INTERESTED.   How great it is, to BE INTERESTED.   

[WithoutHer]

8 hours ago, Boggled said:

I'm remembering ... other things my husband was like ... he was a DJ in the '60s!   He loved 60s music!   I just found and played this old song that started going through my head ...  from the 60s ... the point is, he had fun!  He had a lot of fun!   He was ALIVE in all the aliveness we all have as young folk!  and if he is still IN ME as I have been thinking, that capacity to have fun is IN HIM, IN ME.   

Your words have me remembering what I loved so much about Vickie. Even having been through two very abusive marriages as in both emotionally and physically abusive she somehow was able to always find happiness and fun every day we were together. I too had experience abuse in my second marriage but not to her extent. These experiences is what bonded us in the beginning and through that we found happiness in each other. However she was able to to find joy everywhere. She never met a stranger. See could talk with anyone she met. So different from me but I enjoyed her for being able to be outgoing. Any mom carrying a baby who passed us while shopping found that out quickly. She loved visiting with babies. At the same time she was perfectly content to spend all our time together at home. She brought back the inner child in both of us to our relationship. I can only apologize to her for what I've become now living without her.

[KayC]

I went through that too in my first marriage and in the second not physical but emotional definitely.  You never cease to appreciate your person when you find them after experiences like that!

[WithoutHer]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I went through that too in my first marriage and in the second not physical but emotional definitely.  You never cease to appreciate your person when you find them after experiences like that!

No and I never will. She was one of a kind to me and we were more compatible than anyone I've ever met in my life including all past general friendships. I can't imagine not having those so special 11 years without her. It all seems like a dream now and at times I need her daughter to remind me those years were real. So sad and empty without her now.

[Boggled]

On 5/18/2024 at 3:03 AM, LMR said:

I was rereading these posts this morning and a memory popped into my head. It was from early days in our marriage. I was out shopping and saw a hula hoop. They weren't "in" at that time and I hadn't seen one in years but I thought it might be good for exercise. I bought it and walked home with it, the passing cars kept honking at me. 😂

so I went and looked at hula hoops on Amazon.  As per usual now, there are new things similar to the old hula hoops, but more complicated and more expensive.   Some of them are quite enticing!  which is good because they ENGAGE my INTEREST ... not enough to buy them, but they still engage the interest.  and btw, Wally-World seems to still have the old version and cheaper ... we are living in a different world, now.

I opened the box for the "tongue drum" yesterday, spent some time on the back deck, engaged ... made a little CEREMONY out of "I'm going to open the box;"  "what is this new toy supposed to do for me?"  "Steve I'll still always remember you!" ... did a bit of raising my hands to the sky ... anyhoo, CEREMONY.  "The Ceremony of Opening The Box."     I think I'll do The Ceremony of Opening The Box for every toy I may buy in future!   oh ... and I figured out the do-re-mi scale on the tongue drum, it has a reverberating nature!  I'm a total novice at making music ... but I did enjoy starting with it ... you CAN use the mallets to hit it GENTLY so as not to get noticed by (in my case far-away) neighbors.

[Boggled]

17 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

She never met a stranger. See could talk with anyone she met. So different from me but I enjoyed her for being able to be outgoing.

that was one of the big things I loved about my husband too.   It's good to remember.   He had a sort of human magnetism I was amazed at!  If I have magnetism it's more in the other direction.  🤣  now that I THINK about that, hunh, magnetism.  he had one pole and I was the other!   

 

17 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

At the same time she was perfectly content to spend all our time together at home.

same here.   

[HisMunchkin]

5 hours ago, Boggled said:

did a bit of raising my hands to the sky ... anyhoo, CEREMONY.  "The Ceremony of Opening The Box."     I think I'll do The Ceremony of Opening The Box for every toy I may buy in future!

😂

Good for you!  You go do the ceremony!  🎊

[Aarya]

On 2/3/2024 at 8:50 PM, DWS said:

Ever since @RichS shared an excerpt from a book that his friend (a grief counselor) is writing, I've been fascinated by the words "private grief world" that he used. What a perfect description of what eventually happens to most of us who have lost a loved one....particularly for those losing a partner or spouse. It really is a place where I know I am. While others in our lives try to hurry us along in the hopes that we'll smile again and are relieved when they see glimpses of that, we know that those are only temporary. There are all of the other times when they don't see us in our grief because it really does become a singular journey. Unfortunately after all of this time, I don't really have anyone to open up to about this continual hurt and sadness other than my partner's daughter...and even with her, I try not to give her too much concern about me. So I stay within this world of continual mulling and search for reason and meaning.

As I come up to the two year mark, I now start to wonder just how much processing Tom's unexpected death will take before I can find any solace in this...or is there a chance I may never find that? Is that something for me to hope for? Is that a goal? In my private grief world, I only have my continual thoughts and thankfully, this discussion board to rely on for sharing and releasing. My grief counselling ended a few months ago. At some point, I may seek more perhaps as a way to help me out of this. But then again, I don't even know if I want to!

Do you feel you are in your own private grief world? Do you have others who understand that and who sincerely respect it?

I absolutely do feel as though I am in my own private grief world. Especially today. I feel like nobody understands me, even though I am lucky to have loving family & friends who do their best to understand and totally respect what I am going through. But on days like today it doesn’t do much for me, it’s not good enough.  I feel even with people my age who I have met that are going through the exact same loss... I feel terribly alone. I feel when l (rarely) show my true unfiltered pain, and grief, it is too much for others to witness. I feel incredibly alone, - and lately very envious of people in my life that are in love and happy and untouched by loss. I want that back. We deserved to live our lives together and be happy and have our own family. Bobby was the first and only person who really understood me, on a level that I had ever been understood before. I never had to even say much and he would just know, even about things he had never experienced in his life. It’s been one year and one month now, and this is the first time I truly feel in a private world. I felt isolated before, alone, sure, but not like this. This seems so different, so much more painful and inescapable. Like I’m watching the world around me through a two way mirror. I can see them, but they can never see me. At 25, I’m angry that the world/universe/god ripped my innocence from me like this. Of course, I have been through other hardships but this is different, as you all know. And I know we will all experience grief in our lives but I hate that I as to experience it like this, with this person, so soon. 
 

I also must admit I prefer it at times to be in my private grief world. I don’t know if that’s healthy, but I feel like I don’t have to pretend. Even though I’m alone, I can just be me and how I feel and not worry about who it’s upsetting. Sometimes I think I’d like to just be there and not have to engage with the outside world with all to see people who will never truly know this ache until they ( god forbid) go through it themselves.

Sending you much love xx

[RichS]

17 minutes ago, Aarya said:

Sometimes I think I’d like to just be there and not have to engage with the outside world with all to see people who will never truly know this ache until they ( god forbid) go through it themselves.

There are days where I'd just like to sit at quietly at home and not have to make any phone calls; which is unusual for me since I tend to be an outgoing person. And yes, unfortunately, until you personally experience the loss of a loved one, we don't understand what others (who've experienced it) are going through. And I've told each of these people that I know that I now "feel their pain."

If there is any positive out of any of this, it's the fact we on this board understand and sympathize with each other every day. That it helps us to break down the walls of our own private grief world and discover that some areas of others private grief world are similar to ours. WE ARE NOT ALONE............and that helps to make our grief for bearable.

[Bou]

On 5/11/2024 at 11:51 AM, WithoutHer said:

Much easier said than done. I for one actually have no desire to do that. I'm sorry to the writers but to me it just feels wrong.

There is no right or wrong in grieving.  Its individualized.  Some people can jump on with life.  Some people it takes years.  Some people never do.  I too was trying to make heads or tails of that and it does make sense yet it doesn't.   It is not a one size fits all deal.  I was told at one point its been two years..... it was not even a year and a half.  You should be over it and move on.  Bleep Bleep.....   don't tell me how to feel.  This man was the love of my life, the father of my children, my best friend, my safe place, my everything....  He was taken from me fast. I was not able to be with him in the hospital. You think when people go into the hospital they are going there to be fixed and come home not never come  home again.  It will be 3 years in December.  I am still just doing the best that I can.  No one else but me knows when I find little hopes of joy or happiness, catch a laugh......   that is progress for me because most of the time my everything aches from grief.  Don't get me wrong.  I am trying to help myself but there is huge cloud around me that just is there and I keep it to myself for the most part.   Except a few close people and here.

[Bou]

On 5/9/2024 at 11:39 PM, WithoutHer said:

I've been living inside my grief and everything Bou just posted is so relatable. But I haven't the interest in attempting to change anything about my circumstances. I'm so congested and coughing all the time it's difficult to even think about finding somewhere I could socialize with new people. I'm alone, except for the pets, each and every day. When I feel the need to speak to Vickie I share my words with them. I feel the need to come here and voice my feelings but they feel the same each time I do. I guess knowing everyone here gets it that makes feeling redundant OK . I'm not really improving. I still have a cry at least once every day. Like so many I read words here every day to keep some association with others to fill some of the loneliness. It's just such an awful emptiness to live with I don't know that I will ever feel like I've moved forward at all. I'm truly not forcing myself to make any effort because it's just me and the animals and it doesn't seem to matter. I think Vickie would be disappointed in me being like this but I don't have any thing to look forward to any more. I just get thru each day and each day feel that empty space in my life.

one little baby step at time.  Do it for you!  You matter.  Your loved one wouldn't want to see you like this.  Baby steps. I often have to remind myself of all the things.  WE have one life to live, our time is short here.  We better make the best of it.  Its a gift even if it does not feel like it often, but we are lucky to be here....live.   

Start working on  your cough and congestion.  Tea with a little honey helps, drinking water, throat losengers.  Start working on your baby steps.  Throw yourself a little party if you do one little thing or baby step.  Eat the cake now......when else are your going to enjoy it?    Do your steps baby steps.....one little thing at a time.  eXpect set back and then just start again.  Coming here helps me a lot.  You all understand where I am coming from.  I wish you a good day and a baby step

On 5/9/2024 at 11:39 PM, WithoutHer said:

I've been living inside my grief and everything Bou just posted is so relatable. But I haven't the interest in attempting to change anything about my circumstances. I'm so congested and coughing all the time it's difficult to even think about finding somewhere I could socialize with new people. I'm alone, except for the pets, each and every day. When I feel the need to speak to Vickie I share my words with them. I feel the need to come here and voice my feelings but they feel the same each time I do. I guess knowing everyone here gets it that makes feeling redundant OK . I'm not really improving. I still have a cry at least once every day. Like so many I read words here every day to keep some association with others to fill some of the loneliness. It's just such an awful emptiness to live with I don't know that I will ever feel like I've moved forward at all. I'm truly not forcing myself to make any effort because it's just me and the animals and it doesn't seem to matter. I think Vickie would be disappointed in me being like this but I don't have any thing to look forward to any more. I just get thru each day and each day feel that empty space in my life.

one little baby step at time.  Do it for you!  You matter.  Your loved one wouldn't want to see you like this.  Baby steps. I often have to remind myself of all the things.  WE have one life to live, our time is short here.  We better make the best of it.  Its a gift even if it does not feel like it often, but we are lucky to be here....live.   

Start working on  your cough and congestion.  Tea with a little honey helps, drinking water, throat losengers.  Start working on your baby steps.  Throw yourself a little party if you do one little thing or baby step.  Eat the cake now......when else are your going to enjoy it?    Do your steps baby steps.....one little thing at a time.  eXpect set back and then just start again.  Coming here helps me a lot.  You all understand where I am coming from.  I wish you a good day and a baby step

On 5/9/2024 at 11:39 PM, WithoutHer said:

I've been living inside my grief and everything Bou just posted is so relatable. But I haven't the interest in attempting to change anything about my circumstances. I'm so congested and coughing all the time it's difficult to even think about finding somewhere I could socialize with new people. I'm alone, except for the pets, each and every day. When I feel the need to speak to Vickie I share my words with them. I feel the need to come here and voice my feelings but they feel the same each time I do. I guess knowing everyone here gets it that makes feeling redundant OK . I'm not really improving. I still have a cry at least once every day. Like so many I read words here every day to keep some association with others to fill some of the loneliness. It's just such an awful emptiness to live with I don't know that I will ever feel like I've moved forward at all. I'm truly not forcing myself to make any effort because it's just me and the animals and it doesn't seem to matter. I think Vickie would be disappointed in me being like this but I don't have any thing to look forward to any more. I just get thru each day and each day feel that empty space in my life.

one little baby step at time.  Do it for you!  You matter.  Your loved one wouldn't want to see you like this.  Baby steps. I often have to remind myself of all the things.  WE have one life to live, our time is short here.  We better make the best of it.  Its a gift even if it does not feel like it often, but we are lucky to be here....live.   

Start working on  your cough and congestion.  Tea with a little honey helps, drinking water, throat losengers.  Start working on your baby steps.  Throw yourself a little party if you do one little thing or baby step.  Eat the cake now......when else are your going to enjoy it?    Do your steps baby steps.....one little thing at a time.  eXpect set back and then just start again.  Coming here helps me a lot.  You all understand where I am coming from.  I wish you a good day and a baby step

 

[HisMunchkin]

3 hours ago, Aarya said:

I feel incredibly alone, - and lately very envious of people in my life that are in love and happy and untouched by loss.

I know what you mean.  Also, might I recommend a book called, "It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand" by Megan Devine. 

[RichS]

2 hours ago, Bou said:

 I too was trying to make heads or tails of that and it does make sense yet it doesn't.   It is not a one size fits all deal.

Today I got the news that my surgery has been postponed due to my blood clot in my left leg. Was it disappointing? Yes. But at the same time, I'd rather wait and be safe. Which brings me to my reaction: NUMBNESS. It's things like this that make me understand why so many of us on this board feel numb: To me it's a combination of acceptance and indifference. Whatever........

I spoke with a minister friend of mine this morning. We talked about grieving. He asked me point blank what Chris would want for me and Ross now that she's gone. My only answer would be that she would want us to get on with our lives (move forward). Ask me to be more specific, I couldn't give you an answer. Again, it's a combination of acceptance and indifference. Whatever........

[KayC]

2 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

I know what you mean.  Also, might I recommend a book called, "It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand" by Megan Devine. 

Excellent book!

[WithoutHer]

4 hours ago, Bou said:

Start working on  your cough and congestion.  Tea with a little honey helps, drinking water, throat losengers.  Start working on your baby steps.  Throw yourself a little party if you do one little thing or baby step.  Eat the cake now......when else are your going to enjoy it?  

I'm sorry I've tried not responding to this but for my own peace of mind I must. I do so knowing you don't understand my circumstances. My congestion is chronic and has been for several years. Tea and honey let alone the most aggressive meds do nothing for me. I live with it and avoid being around others to not bother them with it. Vickie understood what I am dealing with and provided me that much needed companionship and compfort I needed. There is no one to party with and I'm sorry I'm not up to partying any longer. And on the subject of eating cake? Having lost my taste for various reasons eating anything is a chore for me. I'm diabetic and under weight. Trying to get enough calories each day to avoid losing weight is a task in itself. Basically I'm a mess but doing each day alone with my pets as best I can.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

doing each day alone with my pets as best I can.

And what more can one do but their best!  With your pets, I'm sure they help with the stress of it all.

[Marq]

The past two weeeks have been hard.  I think of Dorothy daily.   Often with a smile and loving memory.  But the past two weeks it has only been my failures as a friend and husband.  My failures to prevent her death.   I am trying to keep a smile around my kids, but it’s hard and I have caught myself snapping at them.  I want to lean on them, to tell them how she died and how I could have stopped it.  They are adults but do not need to be burdened with  that.  So I feel very alone with these thoughts and memories.  I think this time will pass but it is hard.  And I know once this moment passes, it will return.  

[JonathanFive]

3 hours ago, Marq said:

And I know once this moment passes, it will return.  

It will not be the same moment.  It may be easier, or harder depending on perception, or you could just look at it as, "different."

I find they roll off after a bit.  Sometimes they roll on heavy though - it hurts!!

[HisMunchkin]

On 5/20/2024 at 6:08 PM, WithoutHer said:

I'm sorry I've tried not responding to this but for my own peace of mind I must. I do so knowing you don't understand my circumstances. My congestion is chronic and has been for several years. Tea and honey let alone the most aggressive meds do nothing for me. I live with it and avoid being around others to not bother them with it. Vickie understood what I am dealing with and provided me that much needed companionship and compfort I needed. There is no one to party with and I'm sorry I'm not up to partying any longer. And on the subject of eating cake? Having lost my taste for various reasons eating anything is a chore for me. I'm diabetic and under weight. Trying to get enough calories each day to avoid losing weight is a task in itself. Basically I'm a mess but doing each day alone with my pets as best I can.

I'm sorry for all the challenges that you have to face. ☹️  If Vickie understood your coughs and congestion and didn't find it a problem, how can you be sure that others won't feel the same?  Also, you still can't taste anything, huh?  That does suck.  You don't taste anything at all or do things taste different?  I knew someone who had jaw surgery and couldn't eat solids.  So he put cooked meat into a blender and kind of made a meat soup.  He actually gained weight eating that!  If you blend cooked meat, veggies, and maybe even add some heavy cream and salt and just try to chug that, that might help with the weight?  And it's kind of Keto (I think - KayC?).  At least get some energy in you that way.  I really wish you well, so I'm trying to think of things that might help you suffer a little less.  Hope I'm not stepping over the line.   

[WithoutHer]

29 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

I'm sorry for all the challenges that you have to face. ☹️  If Vickie understood your coughs and congestion and didn't find it a problem, how can you be sure that others won't feel the same?  Also, you still can't taste anything, huh?  That does suck.  You don't taste anything at all or do things taste different?  I knew someone who had jaw surgery and couldn't eat solids.  So he put cooked meat into a blender and kind of made a meat soup.  He actually gained weight eating that!  If you blend cooked meat, veggies, and maybe even add some heavy cream and salt and just try to chug that, that might help with the weight?  And it's kind of Keto (I think - KayC?).  At least get some energy in you that way.  I really wish you well, so I'm trying to think of things that might help you suffer a little less.  Hope I'm not stepping over the line.   

Not stepping over the line. But 1st thing I've had my share of finely minced food and really can't stand it. It's just an awful texture. I completely lost my taste to chemo years ago. Food was nothing but texture then. Hamburger was like eating sawdust. Now theses days with my congestion and a past mild bought of covid my taste comes and goes from little, but not like the chemo days, to like this past week I've actually been able to tell the difference between vanilla and strawberry with my Boost high calorie drinks. Being diabetic they are the worst things I could be consuming but they get me the calories I need and my insulin helps with the BS levels. I do force a soup or frozen dinner each day whether I like it or not. So I have some days eating is a little easier than others. But I so want to fully enjoy the flavor of a nice big serving of General T'so chicken with extra sauce or a bunch of steamed spiced crabs with corn on the cob, my two favorite meals. Alas my current taste status just ruins that. I'm maintaining weight but not gaining.

[KayC]

It's pretty hard to tell someone with a unique situation how/what to eat, they discover for themselves, we can make suggestions but they are just suggestions and that person likely has tried darn near everything already.  I am sorry for what you go through.  A lot of people lost taste from Covid (my former pastor is one) and eating becomes more of a duty then as it lost it's pleasure.  I'm glad you are maintaining weight but I know you'd like to gain.  To gain you have to consume more calories, fat, than you burn.  But there's so many other considerations with regards to health and that's all individualized. 

[HisMunchkin]

12 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

But 1st thing I've had my share of finely minced food and really can't stand it.

Understandable.

 

12 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I completely lost my taste to chemo years ago. Food was nothing but texture then. Hamburger was like eating sawdust. Now theses days with my congestion and a past mild bought of covid my taste comes and goes from little, but not like the chemo days, to like this past week I've actually been able to tell the difference between vanilla and strawberry with my Boost high calorie drinks.

My husband got covid when he was hospitalized the first time.  He too couldn't taste anything.  But he did recover his sense of taste afterwards.  Maybe it'll taste time if that was the culprit?  But with congestion, ya, that would affect your sense of smell and hence your sense of taste.  May I ask, what's causing your congestion and coughs? 

 

12 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Boost high calorie drinks. Being diabetic they are the worst things I could be consuming but they get me the calories I need and my insulin helps with the BS levels.

Ya, I was wondering about that.  Those meal replacements are full of sugar.  That's why I thought maybe blending a meat, veggie soup as meal supplement might be better. 

 

12 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I do force a soup or frozen dinner each day whether I like it or not. So I have some days eating is a little easier than others.

That's great that you're trying!  Which frozen dinners and soups do you get?  

 

 

12 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

But I so want to fully enjoy the flavor of a nice big serving of General T'so chicken with extra sauce or a bunch of steamed spiced crabs with corn on the cob, my two favorite meals. Alas my current taste status just ruins that.

Have you tried any of those foods recently?  Do you like spicy foods?  If so, have you tried putting hot sauce on stuff?  And if so, can you still feel the heat on your tongue? 

 

3 hours ago, KayC said:

It's pretty hard to tell someone with a unique situation how/what to eat, they discover for themselves, we can make suggestions but they are just suggestions and that person likely has tried darn near everything already.

Ya, but I figured I'd throw the puree meat soup thing out there anyway since it's a weird one.  He also consumed that soup with a fat straw.