Anger and Depression

[lauraa]

Witsend:

I understand how you are feeling. I lost my dad, mom and husband all within 6 months of one another. And, this was after going thru their illnesses. I felt as if I could have just laid down and died myself. With time our feelings change. It is all part of this process called grieving. Anger and depression are a part of it and it is a bitch......you just have to take it one day at a time and reach out to all of us here. Even go to more than this forum. We are all family here and all united by our greatest suffering and losses.

Please don't ever do anything to take your own life....we are here for you to let it all out....no-matter what!

You are in my prayers! One day at a time and sometimes it is one minute at a time.......

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Witsend, You CAN'T leave!! Please don't go when your father goes. Your mother needs you too. And when both parents are gone, there will be lonliness like you never knew--kind of like being an orphan--BUT--You are still NEVER ALONE and NEVER UNLOVED. Okay! You're maybe going to say that this woman (me) is kooky. But please listen up! YOU unfortunately are carrying the burden of being a sole caregiver and support for your parents, because your siblings (the foreign kids) are detached. I know it's difficult and seems to drain every ounce of life from you as you hold onto the lives of your mom and dad. BUT you do NOT have to carry the burden and responsibility for your estranged siblings. You can't make them do what they just won't do. And maybe in later years they will deeply regret that they were not more involved with their parents and you, but that is not your burden, dear friend. It's important to not focus so much on the things you cannot control or change, and better to focus on what is in your power: The love you are sharing with your folks, the nurturing care, spending precious time with them--these are treasures no one can take away, not even death, because love doesn't die, and Love carries us in the toughest and darkest of times. It all may seem hopeless now, and you feel like you have nowhere to turn. But you can keep coming here to BI, where people genuinely care and listen, and share, and relate. And though I don't know what your spiritual condition is, the Creator of the Universe, the God I serve is not a God that will abandon anyone that comes to Him. I don't know how I would be surviving today, after the loss of my beautiful son joey (24 yrs and just beginning to live), without God--without the love of the Lord who sacrificed all so that I could live. And I don't mean live in the sense of going through the life cycle motions of being born, going to school, going to work, waiting for death--I mean living with a hope and a vision beyond this life; living this life with peace that doesn't make sense for the circumstances that a life like this brings, but living with peace in knowing that something eternal/everlasting, with no tears, no pain, no suffering, a perfect heaven and earth awaits. There is no pain or suffereing here in this life that won't eventually fade away. It may never fade in this life, but the pain in time will begin to ease little by little and take new shape of memories filled with love. And this life can be lived in a worthwhile capacity when we aren't focused solely on our individual pain and trials. We have the opportunity to "help others" through their difficult times by the experiences of our own. We can reach out to others and perhaps save a life, or give someone who feels endless despair a little bit of growing hope. We can make a change for eternity for someone who may believe this is all there is to life--which is a desperately sad thought to think there is nothing beyond all of this terribly fallen world. Please DON'T give up because the lifecycle draws near to the end for your beloved parents. Please DON'T give up because you can't bear the disengaged attitudes of your estranged siblings. Please DON'T give up when you can be the one person that can make a world of difference for so many people that will follow in footsteps similar to yours, and believe it or not so many times worse than you can imagine.

You may not believe in God, or you may be angry and hate Him if you do believe. But no matter what you believe or feel, He loves you enough to have died for you, and He will wait until your very last breath in hope that you will run to His arms. (That's a metaphor, of course) But it is definitely something I can atest to that is life changing for eternity. I go on living, reaching out to others and finding joy in truly making a difference in this world, and also in knowing that I WILL spend forever with God and with Joey when this life of mine is complete. I don't have to force the hand and go early. Because if I do that, I will surely miss out on some great life-changing opportunity for me and quite possibly for someone else. Forever is forever! And it is much longer than this life. Forever waits. Forever does not get shorter or longer. This life contains time. And time can be hard and painful, and difficult and full of mixed emotions. But time can also contain opprotunities and love and joy, and a better world because YOU are in it. It isn't easy. There was never a promise that life would be easy. But I cling to a promise that does exist, and that's the promise that when all is said and done, I will eternally live in perfect love and joy and peace in a place made perfectly for me. You can have that too, and that can be the one and only hope that would see you survive what you are feeling now.

Like I sais, you may call me a kook. But I know without a doubt there is a hope that is worth holding onto and not giving up in this life. I will pray for you. I hope you look for the Hope I speak of. Hugs, Claudia

[witsend]

Thanks to all of YOU who post...please continue to do so...I NEED you all!

They took my Father out of CCU today!! I am so grateful to GOD for this!

However, I still am so sad...the thought of...well...you people know. I have broken down so many times and just cried...this is weighing so heavily on me. How on Earth can "we"...as humans...be expected to deal with losing someone we have known our entire life??? My best friend perished in an auto accident--17 months ago....many times, I wished I was riding with him. Yet...I am glad to still be able to do for my parents.

Question....

Have any of you as caregivers, lost your temper and felt bad about it?? I, of course, administer my Father's meds...I dispense them to him...with water and I then allow him to take them and I was then going into kitchen to prep him food...that was my routine. Well...upon emptying his wastebasket one day...I found 3 days worth of meds...rolled up in tissue!!!!!!!!!! I was so angry!!! I said, "Dad!!!!!! What in the hell are you doing??? Why have you not been taking your meds??? Are you intentionally wanting to worry me???".....Well...I hate myself for that episode!!! Although I apologized to him later...and many times since...I can not forgive myself! At the time, I just blew up...in fear of losing him (due to lack of meds of all things!).....the next day, he had to be hospitalzied then also..(due to the missed doses)..BUT since then, I watch him take his meds....LOL...

Then there have been times...and I did this with his physicians suggestion....Dad would wanna watch TV...the remote would be a few feet from him and I would ask him to get it himself instead of getting it for him...see, the docs told me if I cater to him too much...he will wither quicker...knowing it is for his best interest to get up and walk 4-5 steps and return...I still feel so badly!!! I know as a child...he disciplined me...knowing the roles reverse...yet...I worry over this!!!

PS

But...I am no softie....LOL..."Just let his other kids ever ask me for anything!!!!".....I have told my Father this too! His reaction??---He laughs and says, "I know you will put them in their place for the way they have done your Mother and myself.".......And I certainly will.....a hundred fold!!!

Thanks for listening....you people are WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mofirefly]

Witsend - So very happy to see your post. We all need each other here so hopefully you'll keep us informed. I am a caregiver for my husband, my mom was a caregiver for my dad...anger is perfectly normal...you are afterall only human and you lose control of your emotions from time to time. Then you apologize afterward. The role reversal is difficult but can be done...I remember my dad saying to me "yes mother" when I would remind him to do some things...and we'd both laugh. With my husband, we simply realize that the pressure can build up at times, and we usually try to find an outlet away from each other. Breaking down and crying can be a very helpful release...so just "go with the flow". You have started down a long road and it will be filled with lots of potholes and unexpected turns. All you can do is take it one moment at a time...savor the good and let go of the bad. TAKE CARE!

[4everjoeysmom]

Witsend, I honestly believe the little episode where you "lost it" because your dad dumped his meds was a genuine care for his well being, and a fear that you face in knowing what the consequences are. I believe your dad knew your emotions at the time, however stern they were, were in love and deep concern for him. I believe you need to forgive yourself, because it is a natural reaction that probably every one of us here would have had in the same circumstance. I also believe your dad forgave you long ago for that. Try to move forward and let go of that so it does not keep you from finding moments of joy while your dad is here with you. Feelings of guilt come to us like a thief in the night and can rob us of so much. But as I said earlier, you have the power over that guilt. You can choose to forgive yourself and make the most of every moment ahead, no matter how painful it is. I am so glad to hear your dad is no longer in the CCU. I am thanking God for his improvement, and will continue to pray for you, for your dad, and for your mom. I pray you are able to follow your heart and your instincts in with whom and where you should be daily, and that you will not feel guilt for your choice. You are one person and can be in only one place at a time. And as for sharing with each parent how the other is doing, I don' think it is necessary to be specific. It would probably not contribute to any positive effect for either. But you could let each one know the other sends love--if you think that's appropriate. God be with you, and lift you up in courage and strength to face each moment. We are here for you!! Hugs, Claudia

[lauraa]

Witsend:

Yes, I did a few things out of pure exhaustion that I regret and felt awful about....like, I threw a jar of juice against the garage wall and it broke ...my husband felt awful enough that he got sick and life had become so difficult.....I just sat my little self down and said "let it go".....and truely I know my husband would want me to. We are human and are not perfect as hard as we try. You my dear have so much on your plate and you need to lean on us for support. We need you, too!

You need to take it one minute at a time and breathe. Do you have any friends that can help you? Try and reach out if possible. If not, one minute and you can only do your best which sounds like you are doing.

Bless you and your parents.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

witsend, when we're the one doing most of (or all of) the work of caring for the one we love, there is an enormous amount of stress. I adore my wife so that, when I've been stressed, I only toss a few words out into the air, aimed mostly at the futility of my efforts. Most of the time, I become upset at the fact that everything I do for her isn't going to make a difference that can last into tomorrow. Like Laura, I have to say that it's not my love's fault that she has this illness. If anything, I hold myself guilty for being unable to care for her better. Beware of such guilt trips. They play into the mind and cause a lot of unecessary sorrow and pain. You're doing a great job. Please be sure to give yourself - even mandate yourself - some personal time, just to get away and be yourself as you, not as the caretaker. This is important. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm Jenni's dad

[witsend]

Hey folks...my Father has been in skileed care Physical therapy since March 27...they plan to discharge him Sunday:) I will be so glad to have him home!! Sadly...they are sending Hospice services out.....I am literally a nervous wreck. I wanna enjoy what time we have left...but the feeling of what is to come I am never and will never be prepared for.....my Father is my idol, my hero...I can only hope I go before him...or better yet...with him....there is no way in the world I could go on...losing the person I have known my entire life......I so wish i could take his infirmities for him...although i would be physically sick...I could then smile...for the mental anguish I feel is so much greater...life is so unfair...in a perfect world...we would never get sick..etc.....the looming sadness...I just wish I could cry more...I think my tear glands are dry...I will be working...driving..eating...and just tears flow for a while...still doesn't release what I feel...

[mofirefly]

Witsend - I think it's wonderful news that you dad is going to be allowed to go home....but please don't be too upset about hospice. If the people you work with are anything like the ones my dad had, you'll be grateful for their help and support during this tremdously difficult time. I left you a post on caregiving site as well, but will leave it here just in case - I will be off the boards for about a week due to a family situation. Please take care of yourself and post when you can to let us know how things are going.

[stallyn]

Hi, hopefully someone can relate to this, My wife was extremely popular at work for the 8 years she was here, I never ever met any of her friends until she fell ill with cancer, they hoarded around her 24/7, pushed me away from my wife, said bad things about me to others, and tried to control me and manipulate me, they did quite well, they were from hispanic culture, executed crucial decisions while I was absent, now they dont return my calls, write or anything after the kindness I showed them, I am so angry and consumed with it every day, my wife was upset too but being terminal w/o oral communication, she counldnt fend either, now I live with regret.

[xxordinaryxxgirlxx]

Okay, I know this maybe a touchy subject for some of you. Because it ABSOLUTLY IRKS ME. The Virginia Tech thing. Really bothers me. I'm sooo mad. First this guy is going to kill all these people, and now people all over the country are trying to do what he is doing. He is kind of like a leader. And the Media keeps playing it all over nad over and over again.

My school is now on lock-down. There's been a threat, and I live in a really bad city. So I don't doubt that anything will happen. It probably will. And it scares the hell out of me. And I hope that you all can at least try to understand.

thanks.

[mikesmum]

Xxordinaryxxgirlxx - I understand your anger and fear. But don't give this guy the status of leader. His power comes from a Media frenzy to 'understand' why someone would do what he did. I refuse to be a participant in the Media Hype and information that really doesn't offer any answers. The world in which we live is ever changing, violent and frightening. But this guy is not the norm. I have to believe that. My energy, thoughts and mindset goes to the families, friends, students and staff at Virgina Tech. The ripple effect of this crime against community will continue to be felt world wide for many years to come. But to allow one more minute of headline news to be afford to this guy would be a crime against the memories of those inoccents that died.

I hope the threat to your school pans out to be just another hoax and lock down is lifted.

[mikesmum]

Xxordinaryxxgirlxx - I understand your anger and fear. But don't give this guy the status of leader. His power comes from a Media frenzy to 'understand' why someone would do what he did. I refuse to be a participant in the Media Hype and information that really doesn't offer any answers. The world in which we live is ever changing, violent and frightening. But this guy is not the norm. I have to believe that. My energy, thoughts and mindset goes to the families, friends, students and staff at Virgina Tech. The ripple effect of this crime against community will continue to be felt world wide for many years to come. But to allow one more minute of headline news to be afford to this guy would be a crime against the memories of those inoccents that died.

I hope the threat to your school pans out to be just another hoax and lock down is lifted.

[mikesmum]

Xxordinaryxxgirlxx - I understand your anger and fear. But don't give this guy the status of leader. His power comes from a Media frenzy to 'understand' why someone would do what he did. I refuse to be a participant in the Media Hype and information that really doesn't offer any answers. The world in which we live is ever changing, violent and frightening. But this guy is not the norm. I have to believe that. My energy, thoughts and mindset goes to the families, friends, students and staff at Virgina Tech. The ripple effect of this crime against community will continue to be felt world wide for many years to come. But to allow one more minute of headline news to be afford to this guy would be a crime against the memories of those inoccents that died.

I hope the threat to your school pans out to be just another hoax and lock down is lifted.

Thoughts from Australia....Blessed be

[Guest Guest]

I have created a website for Little Angel Elijah Simpson.

I want his memory kept alive forever. The brutal murder of this little boy touched my heart. It has saddened me to no end and i just felt like i wanted everyone to help me keep his memory alive so please visit his website and light a candle for this precious little angel!

http://elijah-simpson.memory-of.com/

[stallyn]

Well, I feel better, no thanks to this site though.

[jackiewitter]

Stallyn,

I am so sorry that you post was not noticed. I did see your post but I did not respond because I did not know what to say. Alot of times people only repond to what they know. I primarly post on the sibling site because that's what I have experienced the most. My anger issues are at a situation more than a person. I know there are so many different emotions that play into grief and it seems you are hitting on all of them. You might try posting to the thread of lost partners, there are many people there who could probably relate, maybe not exactly to your situation, but to many of the feelings you are having. I will keep you in my prayers and please feel free to email me if you choose. I will make it a point to check this site if you choose to continue to post here. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

Stallyn, I echo Jackie's words. I too saw your post, but didn't know what to say.

I work in a Sapnish culture in South America and recently learned that here things work a whole lot diffently than what I'm used to in the US. A friend of mine recently lost her mother. And in this country when a parent is deceased it is not a natural order for the surviving spouse to have controlling interest in assets and so forth. The spouse gets half and by law the surviving children split the other half without the spouse having any control or say. It's os bizarre to me, as I can see how things can get so out of control with family members fighting over money and taking over decision that shouldn't be theirs to make. It struck a cord with me when you said that you were left out of a lot of major decisions. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I can understand how you would have feelings of regret. But in a situation where you are not in control, I pray you know in your heart that you are not responsible for the way they behaved and are behaving now. You did what you thought was best at first by allowing them closeness and time with your wife. They took advantage of you and the situation for whatever cultural reasons... I am learning about that here. I pray you will be able to find some peace in time. No matter how things turned out, I am cartain your wife would not want you to be carrying such regret in your heart. Try if you can to push out the regret with memories and feelings of the loveyou two shared. It is the love that is stringer than any other force, and it is there to guide you through your pain and suffering.

I wish I would have said something last week to your post. Please forgive the lack of response. Like Jackie said, if we haven't gone through something relative to your pain, it's hard to know what to say that is comforting. Please know people here truly care for your feelings. You stated that you feel better, and I hope that you are finding comfort.. Peace, Claudia

[stallyn]

Jefferyssister & 4everjoeysmom, I came on tonite and I found your words encouraging, I was so consumed by what happened and feeling extremely lonely at the same time, I don't have much support where I live unfortunately my wife was everything I had, I wasn't aware that the spanish culture does things in such a way, I think it is terrible, they did took advantage of my weakness during the stressful time, and to think they did it here in the states, I felt violated and disrespected, well I take some comfort of the knowledge that they were doing what was customary, but nevertheless they should respect our culture and language, It was always hard being married to a latina, but the big whopper was the nearing of the end of her life when all of them came out of the woodwork and took over. I wished i could've done more assertiveness.

[4everjoeysmom]

Stallyn, Please try not to beat yourself up so hard over the "should have", "would have", "could have's". Your circumstances were very unfortnate in the family situation as you described. And I think we all have a better, clearer vision in hind sight. But truly it wouldn't have changed the outcome. I beliebe from what you've shared so far that you and your wife had a very special and deep relationship. Your love in its strength continues, as does hers. It will be what brings you great comfort beyond the pain. try not to let those last weeks, months, moments be the overpowering factor in your bereavement. I believe while the family's actions certainly made things difficult and even regretful in the end, overall the actions did not alter what you shared with your wife. Nothing they could have done would take that away, and nothing can take it away now--it lives on in you. It is very unfortunate that cross cultures do not always blend well. It's a challenge I believe we will continue to face ongoing. I don't think they meant to hurt you or your wife. They probably were just offering love and support in the only way they knew how. Now that your wife is not here it may be awkward for them--or perhaps even they feel a little guilt toward some of their last actions. No matter the reason for their distance, I pray that you are able to continually be bathed in the love you and your wife shared. I pray that you will be able to let go of some of the regrets and know that you did the best you could in the moment, because you didn;t know what else to do. We live and learn, and grow from what we've learned from previous experiences. You know now that you would do things differently, but you didn;t quite realize it then. That is nothing to be ashamed or guilty for, or even filled with regret. You sincerely loved your wife and did all that your heart and mind could muster in the moment. I'm sure your wife knows that where she is now, and that she would not want you to be consumed with those feelings against yourself and her family. Life is just plain hard sometimes. Losing someone we love so deeply throws us a curve in life that we don't always know how to respond to. We'll be your support here. And there is also a Loss of Partner/Spouse?wife thread that you may find other men willing to walk alongside you in your grief journey. And maybe one day you will find yourself reaching out to others who have lost their precious wives, and you will be the one to bring comfort and support for someone else's healing process. For now, just know you are not alone, and that people deeply care for what you are going through in life, and that the love and memories of what you and your beloved shared together will one day bring smiles and warmth through the pain and tears. Praying for you.... Your friend in grief, Claudia

[cindyinalaska]

Hi,

It's been 4 1/2 months since I lost my dad...it seems like yesterday. A friend of mine told me that I need to move on...that I should be "over" the worst part of grieving by now. Why do people say things like that?? It just makes me so angry. She hasn't lost anyone she has loved...part of me hopes that she never has to go through this kind of loss, but part of me would like her to know how it feels. I hope that doesn't make me a horrible person. I have met her parents and they are wonderful people..I don't want anything to happen to them, I really don't. I just wish she would be more supportive. She just doesn't get it. To top it off, I am waiting for results of some tests...my doctor wants to rule out cervical cancer. I am scared....I don't ever want my kids to feel the way I do with losing a parent. Why does this have to happen now?????? This isn't fair!!!

Thanks for listening...this website has been such a comfort!!

Cindy

[jackiewitter]

Cindy,

I have not had the experience of someone telling me to move on, but I have felt it. You can see it in their eyes, when they try to change the subject when you mention your deceased ones name. I know for a while all I wanted to talk about was my brother, but that is not a bad thing. I did have a friend that kept telling me that I needed to get help. Why?? Because I cry because my brother is gone? I don't need help, I just need time. I don't think that people mean what they say or "don't say", I think they just don't know what to say. Each loss is different, and how people respond to them is different. I have lost both my parents and my brother in a 5 year span. While I loved my parents dearly, nothing can compare to the pain I feel with the loss of my brother. That is why I come here. Like minded people, people who understand the thoughts you have, the emotions...some who have actually "recovered". Even though I don't think you ever recover or get over it or move on. I think it's a burden that you pick up and carry with you. It makes me think of that song, He ain't heavy, he's my brother. I am honored to carry his memory with me.

I hope all is well with your test, I will keep you in my prayers. Please

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Cindy, Those insensitive comments hurt so much. I think I'm at a point now where I wouldn't hesitate to ask someone after something stupid they say, "AND How could you possibly know this??! What does your mind compare my loss to in your life??!" I think it would stop people in their tracks regarding what they are saying, and perhaps cause them to ACTUALLY think. I believe most comments come from others' discomfort and lack of thinking before speaking. I'm so sorry you feel so alone and scared. I am praying for you and that your test results come back negative. I had a scare like that about a year and a half ago, and I'm sure mnay thoughts that raced through my mind now race through yours. Please know you are not alone and that someone out here is prayinf for you and cares very much. Hugs, Claudia

[stallyn]

Thanks All for your kindness, it makes me feel better, Cindy, I had a similar situation with my father 2 days ago, he called me, I feel to crying and why did this all happen to me, He told me; I don't like you having pity, people die in Iraq every day! How senseless, My wife didn't choose to get cancer and die, I am finding out that sometimes its better not to say anything to anyone, especially if they cant handle it. I plead with you to get a second opinion if need be, don't take chances and trust your instincts, make sure they do the blood tests, MRI, pap smear immediately, I have had first hand experience with it with my wife, I don't mean to disturb you, I pray that you will be ok, and keep whatever support you have around you.

William

[4everjoeysmom]

William, I am so sorry your dad said such an insensitive remark to you. It's so hard when we feel the people we should be able to turn to most for support just aren't able to be that for us. Something like that makes it even more lonely. I'm sure he didn't intend to hurt you. Sometimes the older generation, especially dads are so good at stuffing pain inside and presenting themselves as tough. My dad has been so callous on many occasions, but over the past many months he has softened a bit and even shed a tear himself. He hastens still to change the subject more often than not when I bring up Joey, but I guess that's just his way of coping with painful issues. This web site was a lifesaver for me when i was going through the darkest and lonliest phases of grief. I've been grieving for almost 9 months, adn while I still have a lot fo downs, I am having some up days too and that's encouraging. I still feel lonely in my grief at times, and it helps me to visit here and walk with others who truly understand. I'm glad you came back to BI and hope over time we are able to offer all the friendship, love and support you need to journey through your pain and loss and not feel so alone. Blessings, Claudia

[stallyn]

Claudia, It bothers me alot that he always behaves that way, I heard from his girlfriend, my age she told me he could not go through what I been and All I needed to worry about was paying my bills, since I am disabled he thinks I don't or have a life to live since I don't work. the only person that accepted my illness was my wife and shes gone, I have been thinking of suicide alot, especially the last few days, You see i am Bipolar II, and the depression runs deep, i don't know what to do anymore, I feel hopeless and empty without Myrna, my case manager kept asking me if I was suicidal today and I said no, since a day after my wife passed I had a severe episode of depression, I mistakenly told a friend and at 2 am the cops, 3 of them took me to a mental health crisis center. i am afraid I might die alone in my apartment, I seen it before. I have no regrets coming here now, just hope i make it in a few days.

[cindyinalaska]

William,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so awful right now. I understand the highs and lows of bipolar disorder...my older sister is bipolar. She is having a very tough time trying to deal with the death of our dad and our grandfather, while dealing with the unbelievable lows of the depression that comes with being bipolar. PLEASE talk to your case manager...be honest with him/her about how you are feeling. My heart is breaking for you and I wish I had the right words to say to help you get through this. Please know that you are not alone!! I am praying for you. Cindy

[stallyn]

Cindy, just writing me helps, hope you know that, I am afraid to tell my case manager anything of fear of hospitalization, It is seemingly more difficult with the highs and lows, wife helped me cope with it, how does your sister cope with the loss? I know whats shes going through, does she gets alot of hurtful criticism or does she isolate like I do, Always being told to go out and do something, like what? very boring to do something alone, I don't know anymore. I miss my wife so much.

[cindyinalaska]

William,

I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling with the loss of your wife. To lose your best friend to cancer is so unfair! Having to deal with being bipolar on top of the loss of your wife is going to be hard, but you will get through this... one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. My sister is having an extremely difficult time with the death of our dad. She is beginning to isolate herself (I am also isolating myself)...and she is very angry right now. She lives in Oregon while I am in Alaska..so I don't get to see first hand how she is doing. I haven't heard from her in a week, which is when I know that she is probably sinking into depression. Normally I will hear from her on a daily basis. I tried to call today, but there was no answer. As for people being critical...yes, some are. It is strange, but members of our family seem to be the most critical. My sister has had problems in the past that most of our family just won't let go of. She constantly feels like the "crazy" one, which she is NOT!! She does have a few close friends that she leans on for support. But as for our family....they just aren't there for us. I am close to my stepmom, who was married to my dad. But she and my sister are not close. Our dad was our only real parent..so we are both feeling alone and she feels orphaned and completely alone in dealing with this. The only thing that helps me right now is coming to this wesite and talking to people who have been through the loss of someone they loved and knowing that they really do understand how I am feeling. Please keep writing...it's helping me too. Take Care, Cindy

[princessdss]

I am angry and still grieving over the lost of my parents,AUGUST 2006 and OCTOBER 2006.My world that i Knew no longer exist,the days and weeks and the calendar page from one day to the next week and event he holidays seem to come and go..but I am stuck in THE PLACE...things have been so messed up ...my AUNT is PERSONEL REP and that would be my FATHER S sister and she HATES and DISPISED me...so in the choas of grieving i was not given VALEABLE dollar amount stuff by my aunt,such as my dad 5,000 tv flat screen or my parents mini van both items went to my youndger sister,,,the oldest is twice od on herion so we know where that inheirtancce is going...and the other LA ish siter could not wait to get her hand on the ESTATE and dwiddle her way thopugh my parents house...i feel so family betrayed....i have no family...i have no more holidays that i knwew it as....and mothers day is aound the corner how does one grieve sill and deal with all the first and still have to live on........

[hazeleyesgirl29]

Hi,

It's been 4 1/2 months since I lost my dad...it seems like yesterday. A friend of mine told me that I need to move on...that I should be "over" the worst part of grieving by now. Why do people say things like that?? It just makes me so angry. She hasn't lost anyone she has loved...part of me hopes that she never has to go through this kind of loss, but part of me would like her to know how it feels. I hope that doesn't make me a horrible person. I have met her parents and they are wonderful people..I don't want anything to happen to them, I really don't. I just wish she would be more supportive. She just doesn't get it. To top it off, I am waiting for results of some tests...my doctor wants to rule out cervical cancer. I am scared....I don't ever want my kids to feel the way I do with losing a parent. Why does this have to happen now?????? This isn't fair!!!

Thanks for listening...this website has been such a comfort!!

Cindy

[hazeleyesgirl29]

IM SORRY HIT THE WRONG BUTTON I MEANT TO REPLY TO U.. IM NEW SORRY DIDNT MEAN IT..

[Guest Guest]

Young E-Published writer who has lost her mother, father, pets, friends, babies and many significant others is putting the finishing touches on a table book which captures the humorous and sometimes inappropriate remarks that children and adults make when choosing what to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a Parent, Spouse, Lover, Friendship, Pet, Child or Business Partnership is seeking your contribution today.

These stories are not exclusive to death as loss can include those who have moved away from us either physically or emotionally. We are NOT seeking stories relating to the loss of jobs, homes or other personal property.

Painful memories when shared in a safe environment can often be soul healers so we hope you'll take the time to share with our understanding group.

When replying, please include your first name, age and the subject of the loss on the subject line:

i.e. LOSS OF PARENT or LOSS OF CHILD, etc.

Please fill out a survey here:

http://www.zoomerang.com/survey.zgi?p=WEB226E49J9JZG

-OR-

Send your responses to:

tablebook2007@yahoo.com

-OR-

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tablebook2007/

Many thanks,

[keekeenov26]

This is to young epublished writer. how about a book that lets people vent their frustrated anger on anyone who wants to make a buck off other peoples grief. This death destroyed my life, how dare you! Get out of this website. I know the saying but this truly is not fair!I don`t know if it gets any better but after 5 months it truly hasn`t.

[4everjoeysmom]

Stallyn, Checking in on you to see how you are doing with coping, any meds you may be on, and just thought and life in general? I've been thinking of you and praying you are still with us and that you are findng an avenue of comfort in your grieving. Hugs, Claudia

[mikesmum]

I was asked last Tuesday by my counsellor if I was angry. I really had to think about it, for about 1 second. I have really worked hard at not being angry, being empty, being sad and being hopelessly lost was doing it for me!! When I get angry I can vent here, in a group that doesn't judge me or make me feel bad because of who I am or how I feel. But seeing the post from GUEST. This is not the place to sequest offerings for your publication. This place is an inner sanctum where we can vent, rant, rave and above all grieve for the one thing in our lives we have no control over - the death of someone we loved and lost. He did not just moved away, or break up a business partnership. If that was all that happened I could pick up my phone and say hey mike how are you doing, organise to meet him for lunch in the sun and marvel at how my baby boy was now such a handsome man. I would be able to tell him each day how much I love him and how I would love for him to come home. I would hold him too me and tell him that everything will be okay. But no I can't and with all I 'have to live for' each day he is gone a piece of me dies inside....so GUEST post a request somewhere else. Try a Grief counselling unit, a morgue, business review weekly or the Pet Cemetry but please do not invade the one place I have found that lets me bleed, cry and miss my beautiful son and all that he means to me......

[27roses]

I LOST MY ONLY SISTER YEARS AGO AND THE PAIN AND HURT STILL REMAIN. I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH DEPRESSION SIENCE SHE DIED. SHE IS THE ONLY PERSON IN MY LIFE THAT EVER REALLY KNEW ME. I AM SO LOST. I ALSO HATE MYSELF BECAUSE WE WERE IN AN ARGUEMENT WHEN SHE DIED. I NEVER GOT TO SAY GOODBYE AND THAT I WAS SORRY. I KNOW SHE LOVES ME, BUT THAT DOES NOT HELP THE PAIN.

[mofirefly]

27 roses - Please don't hate yourself for having the arguement, you are only human...and not being able to say goodbye is a bummer, but perhaps you could try writting down what you would like to have been able to say and read it to her someplace peaceful. When I checked this forum tonight it was the first time I saw the words anger and depression together - before I had only noticed anger and grief. I'm dealing with the fact that I seem to lose my temper so very easily lately and just recently heard of walking depression....now I feel I very much need to discuss these feelings with my doctor.

I hope you have people around you who can help support you and give you guidance. TAKE CARE!

[Guest Guest]

Just have to vent somewhere...I lost my stepfather in Sept 06 to a heart attack and my mother just weeks ago to metastatic breast cancer..I'm an only child and my "real" father basically abandoned my mom and I when I was only a baby. My stepfather adopted me when he and my mom got married when I was 12...I'm 27 now. Even though I'm married to a very supportive and wonderful guy, I just feel so alone and I miss my mom SO much. I also feel like I barely have time to grieve because I am completely handling EVERYTHING from the entire funeral to managing her 2 houses, the lawyers, the estate/IRS reporting, finding home for her dogs...it is like an insurmountable amount of stuff to deal with. Plus, since her funeral a couple days after she passed, I have been living alone in her primary residence (I live and work 8 hours away from where she lives so I am taking a leave of absence) to deal with it all. My husband comes on the weekends (he had to get back to work) and my 89-year old grandpa comes to keep me company, but that's it.

What I've been angry about (and maybe it's misplaced grief so let me know if I am totally off the mark here) is the behavior of my aunt and 2 cousins. We all grew up pretty close and my aunt was close to my mom...however, since we have become adults there have been issues with the fact that they (24-yr old and 29-yr old cousins and 61-yr old aunt) act very selfish. My cousins, who my mom adored when we were children, never visited her once after my stepfather died and she was all alone and sick. They live 1-1/2 hrs away. Then, when she is dying and doesn't want to see anyone b/c she is just miserable, they parade in...basically just to make themselves feel better. I couldn't stop them because my aunt overruled me. So when my mom dies, they come to the funeral and stay at the house for 2 days and do nothing to help whatsoever. They all leave me with a dirty house, unmade beds, and -- get this -- a list of the furniture they want from my mom's house. And there are all these promises that they will come "help" later since I have to sell the houses, get them and the personal property appraised, sell the furniture, etc. Plus both cousins don't work. So do you think any of them have come to help me while I am doing all this and preparing for an estate sale on Sat? No. It has been two weeks and the cousins haven't called and my aunt has only called to ask "how things are going." What made me really sad/mad is that they are all getting together next weekend (when I am having the estate sale) for a mother-daughter weekend before one of the cousins goes on a 3-month cross country trip. This is the same weekend I'm having the sale of course, and they can't help. Obviously this behavior is completely ridiculous, and I keep thinking my mom is crying for me in heaven because I feel so alone and have no one except my husband and friends to help when they can. And the reason that I haven't said anything to my cousins/aunt about this, because I am usually pretty direct, is that my aunt is the executrix of the will that states all my mom's assets go to me. And a big reason for their behaviour (and their behaviour toward me as an adult) is because they are jealous about the money. I have invested well and my husband and I have a very good jobs so we have been lucky. And since my mom's money goes to me we will inherit more. But I am SO unconcerned about the money and I have always said this. I just want a family...and now I have none.

I just lie alone in this big house at night (thank goodness I have the dogs to cuddle with) and cry because I miss my mom and every time the phone rings or I see the phone I think of calling her or she is calling and I can tell her about this and she will make me feel better. We did live far away since I was 17 but we talked 2-3 times per day on the phone.

Will this ever get easier? What should I do aboout my "family"?

[mofirefly]

Dear Guest - So very sorry for your losses, but you have found a wonderful place to vent and express all the emotions you will be hit with. I imagine you have noticed there are other forums such as Loss of Mother where you can also post along with Loss of Father - you can express your feelings, get feedback from others, etc. The way you cousins and aunt are behaving just goes to show that there are way too many people in this world who only show "concern" when they feel they are suppose to. I do hope that since you aunt is the exectrix doesn't cause you any further problems. I do feel it is way out of place that none of them will come to the estate sale. You must certainly feel overwhelmed with all the stuff you are having to deal with on your own. Please don't let the actions of others cause you any unneccessary pain at this time. Come back to the boards whenever you can, they are the greatest place to pound out on the keyboard all the battles you will be having as you begin this journey of grief. Please take care.

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Guest, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain of grief that surrounds you now. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but the sun will shine again. For now you have a lot of hurdles and a long road ahead, but knowing there are others who grieve the loss of dear ones here, standing by to walk with you in your grief, you might find some cofort in that and in knowing you don't have to take this journey alone. You can read, share, and just be, and not be judged for the thoughts and feelings you have, because in early grief it seems everything goes. Just as long as we are not hurting ourselves or others, we can take this journey with dignity and learn to stand again, healing in time. Life will never be what it was, but it can be good again when we learn a step at a time to find and adapt to our new skin. Take good care of yourself, getting rest and exercise, and try to eat healthy whenever possible. Grief is draining. It's ok to cry. Tears are healing. It's ok to feel the things you do, because there is a lot that has changed and it takes a lot of getting used to. But you can do this a step at a time, taking each moment as it comes, and learning to ride the waves grief. There are a lot of folks here at BI that can share compassion and wisdom through their own journeys, and to me that has been a comfort in my loss. My 24 year old son tragically died on July 31st. I don't know if I would be where I am in my grief walk if it weren't for supportive friends I've made here--my grief family. When no one else understood, they were here.

With regards to your family, it's such a shame that people behave that way. I remember when my grandmother died everyone came out of the woodwork to claim something. They even fought over her things in ways that "family" should not behave toward one another. I think if I were in your shoes I would do my best to take the high road. If they aren't asking for anything above and beyond what you think is reasonable, let them have it to remember her by. It isn't really up to us to determine if their motives are respectable or pure. There's an ultimate judge beyond this life that will serve justice with regards to the motives of their hearts. You don't have to cave to them. Perhaps in showing mercy and grace they will learn something from you. But if they don't, don't take that personally. Some people are just hard to reach. You have enough to worry about in settling all of the estate affiars and such. I don;t think I would hold back either when presenting them with "the gifts" they deisre. I'd let them know that while they aren't legally entitled to any of it, and while they weren't there when your mom needed them most, you want to bless them in the spirit of goodness that is your mother. Continue to make her proud, even when others don't deserve what you give. Forgiveness is hard, especially over such foolishness in a time when family should come together. They obviously have selfish priorities, but you don't have to let that change you from who you are by seeking to 'make them pay' for their idiocies. Your journey will hold more dignity and personal growth in time if you can overlook what they do and reward them not by what they do but by the gracious level of your mother's love. It sounds from what you've shared that your mother was an amazing woman. I can tell by how much love for her comes through your words.

God bless you. I am praying for you. Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Guest, One more thought... If you phoned them and told them they had to come and get the furniture you approved to give them (IF you approve to giving them anything) before the estate sale Saturday or it goes in the sale, I wonder how long it would take them to be at your door???

[nola25]

It's me -- guest post 49850 (I just got a username). Thanks to you all so much for your comforting words and wisdom. I know in my heart that I have to take the "high road" with my family but it is just sometimes SO hard...that's why I came on here to vent last night. I am trying to remain graceful under fire but I also don't want to let my family walk all over me. And it is so hard to not be dissapointed every time they say they are going to do something and they don't.

4everyjoeysmom -- your advice is invaluable. When you said "There's an ultimate judge beyond this life that will serve justice with regards to the motives of their hearts" that reminded me of something my mom always quoted from the bible: "Revenge is mine, sayeth the Lord". Not that I want anything bad to happen to them but what I take from the quote is that what goes around eventually does come around...even it it is not in our lifetime. God is watching. And yes, I bet you anything that they would be at my door this weekend if I gave them that ultimatum. But I'd just rather let it go. I'll give them what they want within reason and if I don't want it and then that's it. Thanks also for sharing your experiences with your grieving...I'm sure Joey was an amazing person and lucky to have a mom like you.

[4everjoeysmom]

Nola25, Thank you also for your sweet words. i was blessed to have Joey as my son too.

I'm REALLY glad that something I said sparked a recollection of your mom sharing Scripture with you. Perhaps it was God's way of using me to send a message to your heart from Him and your loving mother. That makes my heart smile. And yes! The Lord will make it all right, even if we can't see it in this lifetime. I believe that with my whole heart.

Please know we're here for you if you need to vent some more or if you just need some support and encouragement to lift you up in the rough times. Blessings & Hugs, Claudia

[mikesmum]

Nola 25. I read you post as I do with many on this site and the stories all have a familiarity to them. When I lost my son Micheal we asked his partner if we could have one of his guitars for his family to remember the man and his music. He would sit for hours with the grandkids teaching them to play. Last Christmas he sat on the floor with his cousins and step brothers 'jamming' before lunch. It was a memory we wanted to hold on to. Unfortnately,she thought we were 'gold digging' wanting his possessions for money.

If your "family" were to express to you the symbolic emotional memory of times spent with your mum and you you might feel differently, but in your case I sense a feeling that they do want something for nothing.

As Claudia points out, there is a higher accountant that I too believe oversees and balances the books at a special time.

Your anger may be misplaced grief but it may also be a real hurt stored away and awakened by those who at a time you needed them most they were the least available to you til now.

Blessed be - keep posting believe me it really has been a blessing through my loss and my eventually pathway back. Trudi

[live2laugh85]

I don't understand how soooo much death and loss can happen to one family! I know there are many out there but why does this happen? It seems like every 6mos to a year someone else dies. I have lost my uncle(2nd dad), brother, sister, cousin, and 2 friends. I can't handle anymore! Everyone always says how strong I am but I don't understand how I had anyother choice. It is sooo hard to get out of bed everyday. I can't watch the news because it is too depressing and a few months ago, a 3year old girl i coached was killed by a drunk driver. It just keeps happening. there is no end to it. How am I supposed to heal and move on when this keeps happening and I have no way to heal?? I am soo angry all the time and no one understands. They think I shouldn't think about it so much or that I worry too much but I miss them soo much and I cant stand that they're gone. I am angry at the world and don't feel like I fit in anywhere. How do I continue living when these things keep happening and knock me down?

[mofirefly]

live2laugh85 - Hi. Totally understand that you are angry at the world around you, but your sign on name makes me think that beneath the anger there is a person struggling to rise above all the rotten things that continue to happen....I'm pulling for that person to emerge and take over the energy that anger drains from you and put it to a better use, mainly that I hope you can find a way to become stronger than all that is happening and use that strenghth for good. I do hope you have people around you that you can lean on not just those who don't understand...if you don't, please come to these boards and release all the anger here where it doesn't harm anyone and can become far less of a burden for you to carry alone. Right now you don't fit in this world of people who just live life daily as you are dealing with the end of life and that is a reality that can bring you to a different level of life....I'm talking FAITH and once you have that you are able to see things far differently than others. When others say you are strong, take it as a compliment, but when you don't feel strong, come here and share with others who also go thru turmoil wearing the strong mask. Not sure if any of what I'm posting makes sense right now, but I really wanted to let you know that it is perfectly correct to feel angry - just don't let the anger eat away at you. Take care!

[squirrly1]

I am so sorry to hear all of your losses. It saddens me to hear all of it, but it makes me realize that I am not alone when I say that I am just plain mad about the death of my grandmother. My grandmother was murdered in September of last year... Sure the murder has made me angry, but the thing that I can't seem to get over is the fact that it was her husband, the man she loved and trusted that killed her. And it was over gambling... so not only do I HATE that man who took my grandmother away WAY too early, but now everytime I hear about someone with a problem with gambling I tend to dislike them alot too. I have to live my life knowing that you cannot trust anyone, because ANYTHING can happen. Not one person had any idea that this was going to happen. The worst part about it is that my last conversation with her was about two seconds long telling her that I loved her and that I was going to have to call her back tomorrow since I was at work. I never did call her back. I thought that I could call in a few days... I guess I took too long.

I can't get over the fact that I never did call her back.... I was too wrapped up in my own things like going to see a movie with friends, then to call my grandmother for the last time. I feel depressed now because of all of this. I am supposed to visit her grave site next month for the first time, I dont think that I can handle it. I also have a lot of hate and anger now. I wish that her husband didn't kill himself after and that I would have gotten the pleasure to do it instead. It may sound like I am nuts, but I am more than positive that other people have felt this way before too....

How am I ever supposed to tell the son that I was carrying at the time, that he is never going to meet the greatest woman in the world because the person she trusted and kept close to her decided that it was a good idea to kill her so that she wouldn't know that he lost all of their money and there house? How am I supposed to tell him that she loved him so much even though he wasn't here yet that she was killed while she was finishing the knitting of his baby blanket? How am I supposed to live with this pain forever?

[Guest Guest]

I have no where left to go and everything inside is killing me.

My beautiful baby girl Malia died in December from HLHS.

And it's not fair. I did everything I was suppossed to I took my vitamins and walked drank all that yucky water all for her and she was still born with a heart defect that has no reasons. There is no medical reason there is no fact or report that says why it happens for some reason it does.

She suffered for so long. And every time they told me she won't live through the night, She did! Everytime they told me it was her time to go she proved them wrong and in the end we made the choice for her. I am so tired of hearing about God and how this will make me a better, happier person? Happy? How does someone be happier watching their child suffer for 5 1/2 months then die?

I don't understand it and I'm angry and no one seems to care.

It's been 6 months since she died and everyone keeps pretending it didn't happen. or worse, well why don't you have another one?

Like having another child will replace her and take away all this anger.

I see all these stories about people killing they're children and it makes me angrier. So many people want their children and have to watch them suffer, yet all the other do horrible things but they're children are born normal.

I want my daughter and I'm tired of pretending she didn't die!

I'm tired of being told how strong I am and how well I'm handling things, I'm not handling anything I'm burying it and one day It's going to burst free.

I'm Sad, I'm angry, and I'm mad. But I also know none of this will ever bring her back.

[bbarbie55]

Guest

I know how your feeling but you see my baby was twenty five years old. It was and is hard to let go of her. I just lost her on 4/24/07 and it still hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before.

Another one won't replace her and the people who said that have never lost a child. I think it hurts a mother more because they carry this life in them for nine months and then they are there caregivers.

Don't be mad at God or even think you did something wrong. Your daughter is being taken care of till her mommy joins her one day. She will not be sick or be in pain. And remember she loves her mommy.

I had to post this for you and myself.

Somebody does care I do and I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

I watched my daughter die slowly for six weeks she had cancer and the pneumonia and couldn't battle any longer.

Scream,yell and cry for your baby it shows your still alive.

Love you and praying for you

Deb