Anger and Depression

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Guest, I am sorry you lost your beloved brother, and at such a young age. There are so many emotions we go through, and some are helter skelter in the beginning of the process of grief. Please give yourself time, the most important issue, time to heal, time to think about him, time to resolve issues in your own mind. Some people like to give themselves special treats like a hot bubble bath, to relax and meditate. If this helps, use it for your benefit. My thoughts and prayers will be with you, for peace and for what you need today. Please feel welcome to write, and free to talk about whatever is important to you. This is a part of healing. This website was designed for those of us who lost a loved one, to help each other. I'm here to listen and help you. Mark

[rkell9153]

Thank you Mark, for the uplifting words. I know my brother is in a better place and he is not suffering. I have had other loved ones that have passed, but not quite like this. Just having someone to talk to helps. And talking to others that have been through similar things. I have my 3 kids that keep me on the go. I have a big family, I have other brothers and sisters. My dad is taking it pretty hard, and I'm trying to get him through this is very hard. Thank you.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

rkell9153, to get through these times is hard and painful. This is the most difficult journey you'll take. How loving to help your dad this much. I'm sorry for the delay in replying. My wife was again in hospital, which took me away from here. I hope you can return to talk when you feel the need, which helps the healing process. When I have someone to talk to, it's a lot easier.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, for what you need, and for peace. Til next time, Mark

[princessdss]

I am angry that my dad died first,I am so angry that he was diagnois with cancer July 23rd but passed away August 7th--It was my mom that was told she had Cancer July 9th and she is still here?I know I should be blessed and happy that she is still here,but SHE WON"T LET ME COME VISIT OR SEE HER!!!It was real bad after my dad died I was not to sit with my mom in the pew of the chapel my two sisters did and two aunts,the one caring for her,and this I DON'T UNDERSTAND all those months and years VISITING ME!!I never NEVER denied her or my dad from visiting the GRANDKIDS ande now as she is ill and sick I CAN'T come see HER???Makes no sense..I blame my aunt for hovering and caring over her,,,i blame the hpspice doctors uping her morphine dosage and making her so sick that she does not want visitors...i have anger one month after my dad passing and don't understand it????????

[rkell9153]

rkell9153, to get through these times is hard and painful. This is the most difficult journey you'll take. How loving to help your dad this much. I'm sorry for the delay in replying. My wife was again in hospital, which took me away from here. I hope you can return to talk when you feel the need, which helps the healing process. When I have someone to talk to, it's a lot easier.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, for what you need, and for peace. Til next time, Mark

[rkell9153]

To: Alwaysmyjennifer, Mark. Thank you for the kind and up-lifting words. I'm doing well. I'm sorry to hear that your wife has been in the hosptial, my prayers go out to both of you. How are you doing ? Sorry it has taken me a bit to get back to you. I'm taking ond day at a time. There is a lot on my mind..it's crazy. But my kids have been wonderful, I look in there faces every day and it makes my day wonderful. Hope that you have a good weekend, and hope to hear from you again.

Retha..

[hmtod73]

hello everyone, i was just needing some advise. how and when will i stop being angry at people and at situations that happened when my mom was sick, during the funeral and after. my mom died february 2004 and i am still angry about certain things. i know it is wrong to feel this way. i know that i should be able to cope better with this but i'm not sure how to do it. i don't like feeling this way. one example is: my cousin called me on the phone the day of the viewing and complained about how the obit was written. after she read the obit to me i realized that HER newspaper wrote it wrong. MY newspaper wrote it the correct way. but she was the spokesperson for many family members and they still objected to it. another example is that i asked a few family members for help me once a month while my mom was sick (long story here) and they flat out said NO, call us when "something" happens. talk about being hurt. those are just 2 examples of many that i have anger towards. thanks for your time. heather

[princessdss]

I am ANGRY tonight...I am mad!!I hate this whole thing about both my parents getting Cancer..I am mad at my dad for leaving me..I am angry that he loeft first with his cancer and now mom is following him..hospice says 7 to 10 days and what is unfair is the family that my mom and dad wanted no part of is caring for her!!how can she allow this!!I am so upset that my sister from 20 years comes out of the woodwork like nothing happend@@all those years all the time...she LEFT the family from 1989 and now now you come back on dad s death bed and then he dies and now mom you want to take up the time with mom she spent all her weenkends and the holidays@!!HOW CAN SHE!!i hate this cancer!!

[messenger]

PRINCESSDSS........I AM SO SORRY YOU ARE GOING THRU ALL OF THIS............I CANT IMAGINIE...LOSING BOTH PARENTS SO CLOSE........I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU BEING UPSET WITH YOUR SISTER...................TRY NOT TO BE ANGRY............NEITHER OF YOUR PARENTS WOULD WANT THAT ...I KNOW IT IS EASY FOR ME TO SAY............NOT BEING IN YOUR SHOES......BUT ANGER GETS YOU NO WHERE AND DRAGS YOU DOWN EVEN MORE ..THAN YOU ARE...I FEEL FOR YOU YOU............SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH YOUR MOM AS YOU CAN............TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL AND HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER AND YOUR DAD......YOU DONT WANT HER LEAVING HERE WITH YOU BEING SO UPSET.........SHE NEEDS YOU RIGHT NOW.............TRY TO PUT YOUR DIFFERENCES ASIDE FOR NOW..............SPEND YOUR ENERGY ON YOUR MOM AND HER WISHES.....I WILL BE PRAYING YOU YOU ALL................MESSENGER

[princessdss]

i can't believe how my family is being after my dad passing...on July 9th everything I was able to control the SITUATION.my mom and dad were at MY house and the doctors were with in range of my home but now they are one hour and 37 miles and not being able to see my mom is hard...my aunt and sister just blocked me from a weekend visit..

[messenger]

PRINCESSDSS..I HATE YOU ARE GOING THRU THIS~~~!!! WHY......ARE YOUR SISTER AND AUNT BLOCKING YOU FROM SEEING YOUR MOM WHEN SHE HAS SO LITTLE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN THEY DO THAT???????????

PRAYING FOR YOU....MESSENGER

[alwaysmyjennifer]

rkell9153, Retha, I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. My dad had a heart attack. Just too many "issues" pulling me in too many directions. (smiling). I am so happy hearing that your children are there, those beautiful faces cheering you up. I have my children, and my grandson, my buddy. I love him so much. I'm devoted to my family. I'll keep a kind thought and prayer for you, that you have what you need for today, and for the weekend. Hope to hear from you. Mark, Jenni's dad

[staystrongsomehow]

Hi. I am new to this site. Let me begin with saying my heart goes out to all of you. I have lost many people in my life, but losing my dad hurts most of all. My dad passed away in my arms on September 8. Today was supposed to be his 75th birthday, but instead I'm going to visit him at the cemetary. He was and always will be my best friend. I cared for my dad for 4 years before he died, seldom seeing or hearing from my siblings (five of them). I am angry because now that he's gone they all seem to have their hands out. They even came to MY house to go through our dad's things the night of the funeral...which makes me very angry. They didn't even give me the chance to grieve him before they came over like vultures taking several boxes a piece of things...even my stuff. They haven't helped pay for any of the funeral expenses or even make arrrangements. They have always left it to me. I know anger is a normal feeling after you lose someone, but I am angry because they were not there for him like I was. I try to be nice, it's been so hard. I feel they just don't understand or care how I feel since I was so very close to him. On top of everything, I sacrificed my career, my life, and even my marriage to care for my dad. Yes, my marriage. I just found out my spouse has been cheating since about 2 months before my dad passed. My spouse said I was too busy with my dad and didn't leave time for him. Go figure. I don't know what I should do. I feel so lost and empty. I used to be able to talk to my dad about this stuff and now he's gone. I have several friends, but they haven't been through this and can't really give any good advice. Please any advice can help.

[hmtod73]

to staysrongsomehow, when i read your post i thought wow, sounds alot like my situation. my mom died feb 2004. i helped to care for her. my story is very long and complex as i'm sure you can relate to that. the day of the viewing my cousin called me to complain about how the obit read. she was the "spokesperson" for several relatives. i was beyond angry and so, so hurt. there are many (too many) other situations that were like this one. i am angry still at people and situations. you are so early into the grieving process and your anger is normal. try to talk with the family members and let them know how you feel. they will probably not like it but do you like the way you are feeling now?? try to talk and not argue. it will be challenging but stay on top of the situation. i don't want you to end up being angry 2 years later like i am, that is not good. as for your husband, i'm so sorry. my husband gave me NO support at all. he never once asked how my mom was. he never helped with our kids. i felt so alone and overwhelmed. i'm sure you can relate. your husband made the mistake of looking for love somewhere else when all the while it was right in front of him. he was jealous because someone else was getting (needing) the attention. what happened to for better or worse?? i don't think that men are equipt to handle "worse". i am not taking their side, i am simply stating what i feel is a fact. he lost out on this deal. my husband still does nothing at all for me or our kids. i still get no support of any kind and i wonder how and why we are still married. just know that you did a wonderful thing by taking care of your father. i'm sure he is so proud of you and so thankful for your love and care. i wish i could say/do something to fix things for you but i can not. please continue to write on the board if you feel that it helps. i know it has helped me. unfortunately, the grieving process is life long because we will never stop loving those who have died. but it will become better. you will find a new normal in your daily life. you will see that it is ok to laugh, to love, to be happy again. please stay strong and i wish you peace. heather

[staystrongsomehow]

Hi hmtod73. Thank you for all of your advice and support. My family also complained about the obit, but I pointed out the fact they could have helped. I have tried to talk to several of my family members, with some sucess, but for the most part many of our feelings remain unresolved. Today I found out my husbands plans to move out. Unfortunately, I was not there for my husband when I was caring for my father before he passed. There are too many issues that he has no interest in working out. So for now my main priority is moving on with my life, caring for my children, grieving for my father, and not going insane in the process. I have been told our experiences in life are to be learned from...so during the last month I've learned alot! I don't feel as alone as I did initially, reading other people's post on this site and taking advice in consideration has helped. I still won't cry in front of people, and wait until my daughter has went to sleep, then I cry like a baby. I hope people don't think I'm unsensitive, but crying just messes up your face and the other person feels bad and it doesn't get you anywhere. So it's best done in private. I'm still angry, but I've been trying to take other's feelings in consideration. I wish you would begin to let go of some of the anger. Another person told me I need to let the words or opinions of other people just roll off of me like the water on the feathers of a duck's back. It's hard to do as I'm sure you can relate. I just can't help but feel our loved ones would not want us to be sad or angry because of our current situations. Hang in there. I'm trying to "stay strong some how", I hope you can too. Roxy

[hmtod73]

hi roxy. well, what can i say. i'm sorry that your husband is wanting to move out. you know, a person is able to forgive but it is hard to trust again. if this has happened before and is happeneing now, chances are it will happen again. i got married when i was 20. i'm now 33. i just thought that getting married was the answer because i wanted to get out of my mom's house. looking back, it wasn't as bad as i thought it was. within a yr or so i started to cheat on my husband. but i didn't want to be with another man, and i wasn't, i wanted to do all the things my mother would not allow me to do. Well, that ruined the trust my husband had for me. it has been 10 yrs since i have cheated and i am still not trusted. i learned my lesson. yes, we do learn for our experiences. life is about changes, nothing ever stays the same. we have to work with those changes and learn and grow and always try to focus on the possitive even though it can be hard to do at times. i also won't cry in front of people. i cry in the shower. i did cry at my mom's funeral and i was mortified, but i just could not control it. my best friend of 28 yrs has probably seen me cry 3 times?? yes, our loved ones do want us to be happy. they now know true happiness. in time you will be able to be happy most of the time. for now, just take it easy. take things as they come and do the best you can. i understand how everything you see around the house reminds you of your dad and the events that took place. in time that will get easier and you will be able to focus on the good times of your caring for him....and yes, there are good times in that. as far as the bad dreams go, try to focus yourself before you go to sleep. talk to your dad and ask him to bring you comforting dreams and peaceful dreams. maybe playing some instrumental music as you go to sleep will help. i did not have bad dreams but i had strange dreams. sorry, i need to go, got a phone call. take care, heather

[sylviac]

I am so angry at my brother. And now, I am mad. in a sick way, at my mother! My brother was not there for my parents and he shows a lack of compassion to my mother even now. And, she excuses his behaviour by saying it\'s because of his gender-a man. I know I know, I am full of self pity. I feel that he didn\'t do enough during my dad\'s long term illness and his subsequent passing at home. Now I am a total wreck emotionally and physically... so much so that I don\'t know if I can recover.

[ladyhitchhiker]

Well my anger right now is at God. I figure (s)he is the only one who could've done anything to prevent my little girl from dying, and yet he let her. How do I get over my anger and get back to loving God?

[mofirefly]

Ladyhitchhiker - It's ok to be angry at God. He understands! I'm just now reading a book "The Road to FOrgiveness" by Bill Cindy Griffiths. Their daughter was killed in an automobile crash. At one point the writter is talking to God about how angry she is at Him. She had given her children to His glory and in the book she tells Him "I can't believe You actually took me up on my offer." The response she heard was "Would you have preferred that I asked?' Not sure if I've typed this well enough to help, but it referenced how Abraham was told to sacrifice his son, and did as he was told. The writer of the book said she couldn't even imagine what she would have done if God has asked her to give up her daughter before the crash took place. Anyway, this all may not make sense here on a post, but it hit me between the eyes as I lost my mom in a crash and there have been times when I've been angry at God because I'm sure He could have done something...but then I realize I do not know His ways, and I do know He is the only source of strength I have to endure and I simply can't stay angry at Him. Keep the lines of communication open between yourself and God and He will lead you out of the depths of your pain. Take Care.

[4everjoeysmom]

I had a profound showing of grace from God just after mu son Joey died. Mofirefly, you are so right in that our ways are not Gid's ways. It occurred to me that God might have asked me to choose too...

My son Patrick (23), one year Joey's junior was not a believer. Neither was their dad. Patrick has been the sweetest ever child and young man. I have to strain to think of any time where he did not do the right hing. So he went on in life feeling like he was good... no need to look for a God... He was making it and doing a fantastic job... But after Joey died, and my husband who is a minister gave Joey's eulogy at the memorial service, God spoke into Patrick's heart and into his dad's. They both asked lots of questions afterward, and within a week both of them received Christ. Now that left me really thankful, but also with a very hard realization. Losing Joey may have been the only opportuity that spoke to Patrick (and his dad) strongly in their hearts that they should want to earnestly seek after God. They want assurance that they will be with Joey again one day, and they wanted assurance now, not tomorrow.

My winded point to this: If God would have asked me, "My Beloved, choose whether you will give me your firstborn now so that we may all rejoice together in eternity, or choose to keep them both and lose one for all eternity..." What could I possibly choose?

The moral to the story: We might not trust that God knows all and His ways are perfect, but when we do, we find true faith. No way could have I made such a painful choice. The outcome graced us with God's glory, and Patrick and his dad both will rejoice with Joey again in Heaven one day. This may be the only reason Joey left us when he did. Only God knows... and as painfully sad as I am, I am grateful both of my sons will have eternal life in Heaven... This is how I am able to be not angry with God, and am able to thank Him in everything...

Now being angry at my husband is a whole 'nuther story...

[mofirefly]

4everjoeysmom - I really enjoyed this post of yours (as well as many others) you have such a wonderful way of ministering healing here on this site. THANK YOU!

[4everjoeysmom]

Likewise, Mofirefly, I have enjoyed your posts as well. Thank you for your encouragement and edifying words. While I seek to let God be all for me, this grief thing is so overwhelming. It does help me to see more clearly how He is working in my life when I consider the questions others have and what my responses have been to my own grief. It doesn't feel like it a lot of times, but I know I am growing. It's awful that there must be pain and suffering for us, but there is tremendous growth opportunity in these trials if we let ourselves be willing students... Many here are an insiration when they don't even realize it. Blessings!

[janiceaden]

Just wanted to vent how dissapointed I am in my husband. I lost my mother too cancer only 7 wks ago and I haven't had any real time out too grieve. We're moving house and I'm raising 2 small children what if feels like on my own. I am angry that my mother had to die that this disease not only killed her but me! I am so angry that my husband doesn't think sometimes... I just hope that my life gets better as I am feeling very alone.

[janiceaden]

Just wanted to vent how dissapointed I am in my husband. I lost my mother too cancer only 7 wks ago and I haven't had any real time out too grieve. We're moving house and I'm raising 2 small children what if feels like on my own. I am angry that my mother had to die that this disease not only killed her but me! I am so angry that my husband doesn't think sometimes... I just hope that my life gets better as I am feeling very alone.

[jackiewitter]

Janice,

If you feel alone, you are most definitely in the right place. I have found more comfort here than I have anywhere else. By talking with others I am discovering how different people grieve. No one can possibly understand what your mother meant to you and how you hurt, the relationship you shared with her is as unique as you are. I have been so angry at my husband that I wanted to leave. I wanted to scream at him so that he would understand. But none of that would work, you cannot hide from grief, it will find you. This is one of the best places to open up. I am very new here but I will gladly listen and keep you in my prayers. Hang tight...they keep saying it will get better.

God bless you.

[ladyhitchhiker]

Well now that I mention it I'm also angry with her grandparents who have hoarded all of our little girl's belongings and all of her pictures, and won't share them with the rest of the family. Even the belongings we gave to her. I know it's just stuff so eventually it doesn't really matter, but the pictures.. it would be nice to have more pictures of her. Pictures can be shared. Pictures can be copied.

[Guest Guest]

Hello,

I’m a newcomer to this forum. I just discovered “Beyond Indigo” while looking for resources to help me with my anger management and grief over the death of a dear friend.

I’m a 7 yr. breast cancer survivor and an active member in breast cancer support online groups – I’ve lost close so many close friends to breast cancer and I’ve lost family and close friends to cancer. I’m usually pretty good about processing and dealing with loss of friends and family. I’m usually the one offering support and giving advice on coping with loss – but THIS death has thrown me for a loop and I just can’t for the life of me figure out what to do with this.

You see, about 9 months ago a very dear friend of mine was brutally ambushed and murdered by a gunman while she and her husband drove a country lane from their house. My friend died immediately. Her gravely wounded husband survived. The gunman held police at bay for about 20 hours before he was captured.

I won’t go into more detail right now because her family & other friends may participate in this forum and the murderer has not been to trial yet. Family and friends, if you read this post, you will know who I am … forgive me for reaching out to strangers instead of you who I'm closest too - but you all are suffering much worse than I am.

So, new forum friends – what do I do with this? I can’t seem to find a way to process this. It’s so different than any other death. I can accept death from old age, death from accidents, death from disease – I may not like any of it but I’ve found peace with other deaths. Even the death of my brother last summer at a ripe young age of 50 yrs to cancer is OK, because I understand how and why his disease killed him.

But this, this is just horrific. I’m so very angry at the person who killed my friend and took her away from her family and friends and wounded her husband. The gunman not only distroyed the lives of family and friends but he destroyed the innocence of our entire community.

I’ve got a whole list of things I’m angry at the murderer about but I don’t seem to have the coping skills I need to get me on track so I can stop crying at the drop of a hat, feel better and be strong for her family and for the upcoming trial. The more time that passes the angrier I get.

Yes, I've talked to my doctor about this and yes I take antidepressants - but ...

I would appreciate any and all suggestions for resources I might tap into to get myself more on track.

Sincerely,

A newcomer - PinkBallerina

[Guest Guest]

New friends,

After reading more of your posts than what I'd read prior to posting my desperate plea for help - I dont' want to do or say ANYTHING to lessen the sigificance of YOUR loss of loved ones to old age, disease or accidents.

I wish, in hindsight, that I'd worded my messge more carefully. Please forgive me if my words were hurtful.

Sincerely, PinkBallerina

[melissa2007]

This is my first time posting on this website, although I've been reading for a long time. I have so much anger I'm starting to get worried about my own sanity.

3 months ago, my first two baby grandchildren died 6 days apart (boy/girl twins). My daughter had preterm labor at 23 weeks. They tried very hard to save the second baby but after 6 days of hell (for my daughter... the treatment/meds were awful) she died also. The boy was stillborn because they basically forced him out to "save" the other one and the trauma to his little body was too much. The baby girl lived for 74 minutes. My daughter held her for only a few minutes and could not mentally handle watching her try so hard to breathe. So I held her. And it was just the most awful experience of my entire life. I can't imagine any pain I could ever endure that would be worse, short of losing my own child.

I was so mad at first that I hated EVERYONE. I wouldn't talk to anyone, I cried in frustrated anger almost every day. I was mad at God. Why did her give her these beautiful healthy twins and then snatch them away? Why would he put my daughter through all that for 6 days, for nothing? I was mad at the doctors for not BEING God... which is totally irrational. I am still angry and I don't know who to point the anger to , or how to dissipate it. I need to get rid of it because it is really affecting my other daughter who is only 7 and very confused/sad right now. How do you quit being angry?

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Melissa, I believe anger is a trap. When the pain and confusion (all the why's) are so devastatingly strong, our defense mechanisms kick in, and on eof the first stages after the shock starts to fade is anger. It's easier to be angry in releasing emotions than it is to fall apart, collapsed in aheap on the floor, crying for days on end, etc. We all go through the anger--or maybe on rare occasion there's a saint that can bypass it, but I have yet to meet one. But when we are able to allow ourselves to open up and feel that gutwrenching, heartwrenching pain; when we are able to "just grieve" and wail and release some of that pain--a little more pain comes, and then a little more, and pretty soon we are taking bits at a time (because all at once would be difficult for a human heart to survive), we find that after a little while we begin to release the anger--sometimes also a little at a time. Anger may be an easier emotion to express versus the vulnerability of deep pain release through tears, but it's the quickest emotion to eat you up like a cancer. Try seeing a counselor or attending a grief support group in your area if possible--at least until you've had time to work through your feelings. Your little girl needs you to be healthy and whole for you, even though a part of you feels empty and saddened by grief and loss. There is still so much to focus on that is good and beautiful, like your daughters and all of the life and events they have yet to bring you beautiful and treasured memories of the love you all share. Choose to LOVE instead of anger... There are some good books that might be helpful as well. Check your local bookstore in the section for grieving and/or spiritual well-being after loss. The shop attendants should be able to assist you. Also, if you are a woman of faith, PRAY. I'm praying for you as I write this and hope you find some release soon... Blessings, Claudia

[melissa2007]

thank you Claudia

I am currently attending a support group for "stillbirth or loss of a newborn". My daughter started going to the sessions with me, but has since stopped going. They don't seem to care that I'm just the grandmother.... and they encourage me to keep coming. It is helping alot, but the anger is sometimes scaring me. I'm not constantly mad like I was... but I will get mad at the stupid things and then just be mad for hours or days... I have tried to pray and eventhought it's GOD I'm mad at, I still say the same prayers I used to, and have asked him to help me understand.

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Melissa, I do feel your anger is quite normal. I went through a very angry period for a few months after my son died. I was even agry at God. I have since let go of the anger, but some confusion still sets in, and there is always the sad and empty feeling. It has been 6 months today for me since Joey passed away. Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief without being too hard on yourself. I assure you, you are not alone in how you feel. I think too, compounded with your own heartache and disappointment, you feel for all that your daughter has been through. No one likes to see their children hurting. And I'm sure your daughter has a great deal of pain that is difficult for you to watch her go through. Time... as they say... I don't believe time heals all wounds, but it does soften the blow a little bit. I still have lots of tears, adn I'm sure I will for the remainder of my life. But I can now think upon some of the blessings that I have seen born from the this trial, and know that through this I can be here to journey with others who experience loss. They help me, and sometimes I can offer support as well. And that makes it a little less lonely and hard. There are many things I cannot begin to understand in this life, and then I just have to trust that God knows all, that He is good, and He is with me to guide me through... I pray you can find some peace as you wrestle through your grief. Love and blessings, Claudia

[melissa2007]

Thanks again Claudia. I am very glad to have found this place. I knew anger was a part of grieving but I didn't realize it was normal to be this angry for so long. Altho the counselor said 3 months isn't really what she considers to be "a long time" anyway.

[4everjoeysmom]

No, Melissa.. 3 months is not long. Your counselor sounds very wise. But I bet it feels like a long time to those that suffer around us in our wake. I know my husband was just at a loss for what to do with me when I was so angry that nothing he did, said, or whatever was good or enough to pacify or comfort me. I thank God that my husband is a patient man. :-)

[Guest Guest]

I lost my mom Christmas 2005. My newborn baby of 4 weeks lay in her sick arms as she is dying and I desperately wanted her to hold him. She couldn't because she was dying and I couldn't hold her tight enough to keep her alive. My life since my moms death has been so painful and empty. I cannot cry because the tears hurt so bad and my children all under seven are around me alot. I have no one to talk with about her death and fear to cry. My husband and only friends feel as though the year is up and life goes on. Time is going by but my heart is so empty without my mother and I feel so scared and alone without her all the time. I even put her makeup on at the funeral house an would had chose to never leave her because I Knew that would be the last time I would be with her. I know that sound overwhelming but I was so desperate to be near her and needed all the time I could get. I hated watching her die. It was horrible. I miss my mom so much.

Diana

[Guest Guest]

Dear Guest,

I lost my father 5 days after Christmas in 2005, too. I don't have children or a husband, but I can tell you that the one year and you should be ok is not real. It takes longer and we are normal and please go easy on yourself.

I think I did things wrong in that there were people 'visiting' my Dad up til a few hours before he died and I can't change any of what happened that day.

It is hard to keep remembering and it is hard to let go of the memories-even the very last hours. Like admitting that they are gone, I think.

This is a good place to share your feelings. Somtimes I think this is what keeps me in reality.

You sound like a very wonderful daughter. I hope that your pain will ease.

Our parents were and are proud of us...no matter what.

I hope that you find some peace, even while you are still grieving. Grieving takes time.

[Guest Guest]

my orphan-hood began right after my birth my birth parents abandoned me at the hospital when i was an hour old i never got adopted and spent my childhood in a foster home. i am married but my husband doesnt understand my need for an understanding friend or a longing for a family

[kndrdspt28]

This is my first post ... I have been awake all night ... I am so angry and resentful ... at everybody, no one and myself. I have experienced one major loss after another and I can't seem to function anymore.

I will briefly describe my losses ... seems I only have the strength to list them ... in 4/1989 I had to go out on short term medical leave ... I was a nurse, an RN specialist in the Burn/Trauma ICU ... I loved my patients and the work ... and thanked God before every shift for living in me to help my patients.

2/1990 ... my father died of lung cancer almost 6 mo to the day after his diagnosis ... we weren't extremely close ... but I could sense his deep inner turmoil in facing death

11/1994 I had become totally and permanently disabled ... I cried because I wouldn't be able to resume my nursing.

9/1995 I realized my marriage was over when my husband didn't even remember our anniversary ... actually, I knew within 3 mo after our wedding that I would not stay in a loveless, abusive marriage. We separated in 10/1996 ... he was shocked and did not feel he had been abusive.

Things really start to blurr here ... 1998 I had to have my 4 cats ... 2 I hand raised ... to sleep ... no one was there for me.

3/2002 I lost my nephew who was more like a son to me ... we were very close and since age 10 he spent every holiday with me ... I always encouraged him to be honest and fair ... if he had any problems or questions he could come to me and know that I would always tell him the truth ... if it was something he had done, as long as he was genuinely sorry and truthful ... I may not like it (whatever the prob or issue) ... but I would always love and stand by him. He is still alive, but his estranged wife fabricated a bunch of lies and he chose to believe her, instead of coming to me ... sitting calmly and discussing the issue. My heart hurts.

6/4/2002 My precious Emily died suddenly and unexpectedly ... very traumatic for me ... she was the runt of the litter ... black and tan dachsund (sp?)... so tiny she fit in the palm of your hand ... when I brought her home 2/1991 ... if you recall, I was on medical leave, housebound ... mostly bedridden ... so we were always together ... always touching ... day and night ...

8/2003 a series of severe thunderstorms with high winds, wind driven rain and hail damaged the roof of my house. Rain poured into the kitchen cabinets and wall ... yes, I filed a claim ... the adjuster said they didn't need to inspect the roof for extent of damages and when I questioned him about water in the walls ... he told me to call and file another claim if something like "mold" appeared. Well, within one month I became so sick ... I couldn't stay awake ... my asthma got worse ... my eyes, nose, throat and lungs burned ... most mornings I would wake up with the dry heaves from this noxious odor ... I suffered significant neurological, cognitive and physical damages... my lungs are permanently damaged (COPD) from the toxic mold exposure. Oh, yes I did forget to say that I had my house tested and there are high level of toxic black mold ... aspergillium, penicillium, cladysporium ... just to mention a few... I was advised by environmental health, a mold remediation specialist, and my doctors to leave my house because it was killing me. I was diagnosed with all of the classic signs & symptoms of long term exposure to black mold. I was highly toxic ... so was my cat and dog.

11/2/2003 my cat Gabriel suddenly collapsed ... I rushed him to the closest after hours emergency hospital ... 25 miles away ... where he was euthanised. Same place my Emily died.

11/17/03 My older brother Mark died after a sudden brief illness ... massive GI bleed and sepsis ... he was only 51. I don't know ...

8/2004 I finally had the environmental health dept and a mold specialist confirm the presence of toxic black mold ... I had to leave my home and everything I owned ... I couldn't find anyone to help me ... not my family or friends ... no one ... I could barely function, but knew it was killing me... I ended up staying in that toxic environment 2 more years because I could get NO HELP ... then I couldn't find a law firm to take my case even though I have all the documentation with the Ins. Commissioner of MF ... and the insurance co. cancelled, yet admitted that they should've applied coverage to a subsequent claim and finally admitted that the adjustor didn't follow protocol when my roof was damaged ... the insurance company wants to settle for less than $8000.00 ... and STILL NO ONE will help me ... and after falling in the shower due to mycotoxins damage to my neurological system and having a concussion, injuring my shoulder ... which needs to be surgically repaired, but my surgeon won't touch me because I am so toxic and still in the house.

So finally, 8/9/06 I took a giant leap of faith ... I went to Clayton Homes and told them my story ... Oh yes, they we eager to help ... and play me like a violin ... I was told the trailer I ended up with had been special ordered by a couple in 2005, but they wouldn't take it ... red light should've went off ... but it has all the upgrades ... well, the home was pulled on the lot and once the steps we built I went inside 9/7/06 ... immediately I saw structural damage ... a interior wall shifted and cracked the ceiling ... all of the windows had leaked rotting the window sills, one window almost came out in my hand, the other end opposite the shifted wall has cracks in sheetrock at the ceiling and floor level, the tub is warped in the 2nd bath and doesn't drain all the water , the trailer is sitting on a marsh ... when it rains, the ground stays wet for at least 4 days ... 3 inches of water ... the service guy turned on the water on 9/7/06. I refused to move in because of all the structural defects and the water logged lot ... the septic line and tank isn't even under ground ... and that day the hvac air unit froze because of a leak.

Then on 10/5/06 I was at the trailer and discovered that the living room, kitchen and sheetrock had been flooded ... the dishwasher had leaked because the service guy didn't tighten the fittings ... yet Clayton Homes told factory that there was a pinhole leak in the line ... they also fabricated a lease ... saying that I was renting out my house so I would be approved ... they have also lied to me repeatedly ... not responding to my calls for repairs etc. and I have been harassed by both the landlord for lot rent and by Vanderbuilt mortgage ... when they are fully aware of all aspects from me losing my house and everything, to being desperate to save my life and the lives of my critters, and especially all of the problems encountered before I moved in until now ... Oh, I forgot to mention that because the water was turned on 9/7/06 and the dishwasher fitting was not tight ... water flooded and filled the membrane ... sitting there for a month ... the mobile home is contaminated with mold ... which is also making me and my animals sick. After the factory sent the 3 stooges to attempt repairs ... the mold specialist came yesterday to retest indoor air quality ... we'll see ... yet this trailer is defective in every way ... the lot it sits on stays wet and the trailer has already settled ... too rapidly forcing the shingles and boards to buckle up ... I could go on ... Oh, well I will ... yesterday, I had to appear in front of the magistrate because I refused to pay lot rent ... I told Clayton homes that I didn;'t buy a defective, mold contaminated trailer to sit on a boggy lot that has a large natual ditch running under the middle of it ... the soil is sandy and built up so high in the back ... packed in like they're trying to keep it from falling or settling backwards. The trailer is unlevel and has been from the beginning because the soil and land can't support it ...

Okay, I NEED HELP ... SOME WHERE THERE HAS TO BE SOME ONE WHO CARES, someone who can advise me or anything ... my doctor wants me to see a psychiatrist because I can no longer function ... i sit and color ... I can;t pay bills and have no one to help me .... I am so angry I could burst ... and I 'm resenting family, so called friends, "normal people" with lives ... I am just soooo tired ... I don't want to die ... I want to live ... to have everything ok again. You see, I'm in limbo ... paying all utilities and mortgage for my home of 21 years in hopes of remediating and salvaging it.... and have to pay for this defective trailer, lot rent ... I just don't know how much more I can take,

I want to live ... but I don't even remember what that is like ... honestly, I don't believe I will ever be happy or recover from all of this ... no one cares .... like clayton homes with billions and insurance companies with billions ... don't they know that after a certain point ... we can't come back?

Thanks for listening ... I'm just too tired to continue

[kndrdspt28]

Oh, yesterday ... yes 2/14/07 ... since clayton homes lied and didn't pay lot rent, I appeared in front of the magistrate who entered a judgement against me for $875, plus posession ... now, I have to either appeal or have this trailer moved off this lot in 10 days ... or what happens .... they can take my trailer and I will go live in my toxic mold condemned house ... what ever happened to putting people first? I have a dog and 3 cats ... who I rescued 8/13/2004 and had to bottle feed ... they all are sick and my 2 females have chronic yeast or mold infections ... my kitty, Evie now has a large mass which has formed near her tail because of the mold infection. That's what really chaps my Azzz ... hurts me to see them being affected ... they are my family

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Kndrdspt28, I read your post and quite honestly I'm not sure how to respond, but I want very much to show some compassion for your hurt. It is the rejection and hurt of the almost 20 years worth of ongoing events that bring you to the anger you feel. I can't imagine feeling miserable for 20 years straight. I pray there have through this time been something of good memories and blessings along the way. I think it's so hard to receive various additional options for help with the fact that you have your family of animals that accompany your living situation. You did mention you wonder why people don't come first... and while your pet family are near and dear to you, it does comlicate help scenarios somewhat--because--well, as much as they are your family, they are not people and people that can help you may not be able to because of the many pets, especially with all of the medical conditions associated with them.

You also mentioned that way back when you had God in your life, but since losaing your career to disability you made no further mention, which may be why your HOPE seems to be nonexistant throughout the remainder of the years you decribed. I knew an older widowed lady in my neighborhood once, and she was so complaining and pessimistic all the time about how miserable things were always going in her life. Nothing went right or could go right. And she expected people to care about what she was saying and come to her aide, even though it was painful just to be in her presence. Her reality was that people tend to shy away and ignore others that constantly walk in a problematic life, despair, misery and an attitude that speaks of nothing positive or hopeful. Honestly all I know of you is what you have posted here, but it's so grim and long term grim that as I continued to read I just wondered how can a person dwell in misery and loneliness for 20 years? I know it happens all the time, and mostly people are afraid to reach out. It sounds like you've been reaching out only to be taken advantage of by so many greedy organizations that work falsely under intentions to help you. I don't know about seeing a psychiatrist as the first step--it sounds like even your doctor doesn't know what to do with all of this built up despair, but I think seeking out a social worker to help you isn't a bad idea. It sounds as though you are on a limited income, and that will also factor into the narrow options you experience, but public assistance--social work maybe could point you in a right direction. You may need to carefully consider what sacrifices you are willing to make with regards to your pet family. It's difficult enough caring for just yourself it seems, and adding the challenges of taking care of pets who suffer illnessres and such because of yoir living conditions--it just seems that isn't much in the best interest of the pets either, and you should consider taking care if YOU first and making things better for you, then maybe slowly introduce pets back into the picture.

I certainly don't mean to be shallow or cold. I am so deeply sorry that you are so angry and alone, and that you have suffered great loss and tragedy over the many past years of your life. Sometimes reality is hard to see after so many years of the woes and the distortion of what it means to "live", My best advice would be to begin reconciling a relationship with the Lord--and maybe call a few local churches for home visits if you are housebound, seek medical attention for your physical ailments, counseling for your emotional issues, and social public assistance for the economic and living issues you face. In these steps you may be able to find spiritual healing, a restoration of hope and optimism, improved health, some peace of mind, and an upgrade to your living conditions. It's easier said than done, I'm sure. And there is no overnight fix for something that's been festering in your life for so many years. But if you can make short goals, little by little and by intentionally pursuing a more positive attitude--even when things are feeling horribly miserable, you may find that people are more willing to extend themselves to talk with you and offer solutions and assist you in ways that you have not been able to accomplish before. As I wrote this I was praying for you. I pray you can take to heart something in this that will inspire a different outlook, more positive and aggressive. And I pray that you will be protected from the hounds out there that love to prey on the weak and vulnerable. It's time to rise out of the state of being a victim and claim your right as a citizen, and hopefully following some of the suggested steps for getting back on track will help to be instrumental for you in making those changes. I wish you blessings and send prayers for a God filled heart and life to be the transforming power that makes the most difference in you and for you. In Christ, Claudia--4everjoeysmom

[mofirefly]

To the guest who posted about his/her orphanhood beginning when left at the hospital - I know there are sites on the web that deal with children who have been adopted trying to locate their birthparents - Have you tried them. Also, it will be difficult for you husband to understand you quest as he has his family connections and until he loses them he won't be able to truly understand why you want to find yours...same as why people who haven't lost someone they love can't really understand what is happening to those who have. Try the google search as a starting point and gather up as much information as you can. Good luck on your treasure hunt. Take Care.

[mofirefly]

Need to add to my post - how stupid of me to put his/her orphanhood when you said your husband didn't understand - guess I'm just have what people around me have referred to as a senior moment. Take Care!

[Guest Guest]

This is my first time on this forum. I wanted to talk about the anger and depression I've experienced from a death, but it's the death of someone I never met who has touched my heart in ways I never imagined. A year ago today, 14 year old Abir Qasem Hamza al Janabi was brutally raped, tortured and murdered while her little sister and parents were lined up and shot in the next room. The us troops that committed this heinous act have been dishonorably discharged, but the after I heard about this I was so devastated at what hell the child went through. I will not poison the eyes or minds of fellow readers about what they did to this child in detail, I simply cannot stomach that and don't know anyone who can. The story has touched me so much and little Abir has become a hero to me. I feel so much love for her and so much anger as well for the hell she went through. People can touch our hearts even if we never met them. Today is her 1 year anniversary as an Angel in Heaven and her legacy lives on. I feel better that I found a place to voice my love and concern but I am new to this. I hope I am not alone in my devotion and love for this girl. I am glad I found a forum to write about this. I welcome any replies from those of you who wish to voice your support and concerns. Things like this should not go forgotten. Thanks everyone for your time!

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Guest, I agree with you. The acts this 14 year old girl had to endure should not be forgotten or swept under a rug, nor should those that committed the heinous crimes go unpunished. My heart aches when I hear of these kinds of devastating tragedies against humanity by humanity corrupted. Thanks for your post. It touched my heart deeply. Blessings for Peace, Claudia

[brujablanca]

Hello Princess. Let me begin by saying that my heart goes out to you. There is something very important you must know, that even when your loved ones are not with you physically, they are still with you, and you are still with them. THe truth is that something as simple of thinking of them can make a tremendous difference. Families never seem to get it right during tragedies, and they always find at least one person to make an outcast. This is inexcusable, but remember you have the power within your heart and soul. Love is only a thought away, if you feel it strong enough, as the old saying goes, they will pick up on it. Peace be with you. Namaste. brujablanca

I am ANGRY tonight...I am mad!!I hate this whole thing about both my parents getting Cancer..I am mad at my dad for leaving me..I am angry that he loeft first with his cancer and now mom is following him..hospice says 7 to 10 days and what is unfair is the family that my mom and dad wanted no part of is caring for her!!how can she allow this!!I am so upset that my sister from 20 years comes out of the woodwork like nothing happend@@all those years all the time...she LEFT the family from 1989 and now now you come back on dad s death bed and then he dies and now mom you want to take up the time with mom she spent all her weenkends and the holidays@!!HOW CAN SHE!!i hate this cancer!!

[brujablanca]

Thank you so much for your reply. I am glad that I'm not alone in this and your words were comforting. Remembering the victims is the only thing, and the best thing, we can do when a tragedy such as this beseiges innocent victims. I am glad I shared my feelings and it is good to know I'm not alone in them. Thanks again. Namaste, brujablanca.

Dear Guest, I agree with you. The acts this 14 year old girl had to endure should not be forgotten or swept under a rug, nor should those that committed the heinous crimes go unpunished. My heart aches when I hear of these kinds of devastating tragedies against humanity by humanity corrupted. Thanks for your post. It touched my heart deeply. Blessings for Peace, Claudia

[skiblu]

i never really knew how anger and grief went together. Reading that story was awful. i now see anger at the senseless actions and grief for those victims. my heart only holds pain.

i am wallowing today. i stood there and watched my mom die. it wasn't as cruel as described in your story, but it was tragic to me. It was like why isn't anyone doing anything? nothing can be done. but yes, someting can always be done. Speak out about those atrocities like you and i can speak about diabetes. it's managable. my mom just gave in. she didn't fight hard enough. she could have watched what she ate. i am so mad. The anger drives me. i am mad always--i don't have to feel sad. I just feel constant pain. anger is my friend. I will pray for their souls.

[brujablanca]

Hello skiblu, and let me tell you that I hope peace fills your heart and anger subsides. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that you heal from your hurt, and someday you will. It's strange, but it's so hard to make sense out of tragedies. All suffering is cruel and I hope you find an end to yours. You're in my thoughts and prayers, and remember you are never alone.

[witsend]

Angry...VERY!!!!...Depressed.....Unimaginable!

VERY depressed!!!

VERy angry!!!!!!!

Have been for some time now, but the events of the past week have taken a toll on me. My Father was in CCU past 2 days...elevated heart rate...he has COPD...CHF....atrial fib..is an amputee..15 months ago he completed radiation for cancer...one team of doctors have told us they got it all...now, this new team is saying he still has it???? and it is inoperable???????

My Father is 30 miles West of me in a regional hospital; while my Mother is 41 miles East of me in skilled care...where she is paralyzed from the waist down, due to a spinal injury/fall/osteopororis combo.....and is legally blind...macular degneration...

I have...excuse me, my parents have 3 other kids who left home at a young age and basically alienated themselves from us...one of them will phone...MAYBE 3 X a year...to ease their own conscience..nothing more. I have told my parents other kids just what I think about the way they have treated Mom and Dad...and trust me, you would not want it posted in this forum!!! But...use your imagination!!! See...these other siblings are much older than myself...(I am the youngest by about 14 years)...so...the likelihood that my parents other kids will need me one day is high!!!

I feel so suicidal...how in the ___ can one set by and helplessly watch his parents decline???? I so wish i could take their ailments for them....if I could cry anymore, it would help, but honestly...I can no longer produce many tears. I tried "professional" help over the past years/months....listening to a "pro" tell me I must cope and focus on the good...while I am still suffering and making this "pros" Mercedes payment is not beneficial. Neither are the many anti-depressants I have tried.....

To top it all off, I went thru a divorce 3 years ago (no kids)....but that was a great thing, since the spouse I had did not offer to help my parents either. And at the time, my parents' ailments were nothing like they are now.

I wish I could clone myself...so I could visit them both each day, but with a hectic work schedule...(bills fdo not stop when sickness starts)...that is not feasible. However, since my Mother IS stable...I have leaned towards seeing my Father daily...and I feel bad about that. Then...when i do visit one...I am reluctant to inform them about the health of the other...for it may trigger new unwanted health issues:(

ANY and all advice ANYONE may give...I would so appreciate!!!! For, I feel you guys, have a much better knowledge and can relate to these cicumstances, than a "professional" who can not wait to get to the golf course.....

I see how unfair this so-called gift we are given (life) really is!! It is one long road of problems...we are born...struggle thru birth, school, etc...we work..pay bills...work...pay bills...and within that never ending cycle...we have loved ones grow sick....there are no explanations as to why such great people (like my parents and YOUR family) have to go thru this, yet, there are most likely terrorists whom have never even had indigestion!! There are arrogant, conceited, crooks in my every day life...who seem to just breeze thru.....so UNFAIR!!!!!

Well...I have made up my mind....should the uneventful happen to my Father...there is only one way I can and will deal with it....I WILL join him!

[mofirefly]

Witsend - PLEASE don't plan to join your father - that may sound like a way to end your suffering, but it can't be the solution. I do wish I could express my thoughts better. Come to these forums and pound out your frustration on the keyboard. Try to find someone (even if it's here) where you can try to find comfort from your dispair. Please continue to post...and take care.