Anger and Depression

[swede1]

I seem to be suffering this year from a case of the IRONIES. Everything that happens seems to be ironic. Today I have another example. I just got back from my Naturopath, who specilizes in homeopathy. I've been suffering from a reaction centered around my eyes and ears and after hearing his explanation, I could just SPIT! In fact, I may NEED to! This may be mumbo-jumbo to most people, but I'm quite well-versed in complimentary medicine, so it makes perfect sense to me. He explained that chronic anger (and sadness), such as what has plagued me for years, especially when stemming from its unexpression in childhood, is often expressed later in the body as afflictions of the eyes. (think of the expresssion "seeing red") Since my liver has also been involved in my treatment, and in Chinese Medicine, the liver is the seat of anger, it ties in quite nicely. So it seems that all my anger at these crappy people in my family is finally being pushed to the surface ( with the help of the remedy I'm on ), and I need to express even MORE of it, to get it OUT of me for good! Geez...I thought I'd been DOING that here, and that that would be enough, but it looks like there's even MORE there that I haven't addressed! God help the world if I can't get it all out in healthy ways! The really ironic (second) part is that I'M SO DAMN ANGRY that I'm having to suffer some OTHER stupid ailment ( the physical ugliness of this eruption ) that prevents me from going out to get some R&R in public places.....BECAUSE OF MY STUPID FAMILY.....AGAIN!!!! WHEN are the effects of their unlovingness ever going to END for me?!?!?! They've managed to make themselves sick for years and now, despite my best efforts to date, they've STILL done it to me, too! The worst part is, most of society is in on this one, because expression of anger is still the one emotion that's not accepted/acceptable in this world. I've been TRYING to be allowed to express what angers me all my bloody life, but no one outside of counselors and places like these boards, will allow it - everyone gets so uncomfortable just by you SAYING you're angry at people or circumstances, that they shut you down...thereby promoting disease in you! Stupid, blind society! I think I'd BETTER write that letter to my stupid brother, even if I just keep it, or burn it...but even THAT makes me angry because I've got other things I need to do, w/o adding that to the massive pile! AAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!No WONDER my eyes are so RED!!!!!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Swede1, to keep these things in is a tragedy. In ancient Hebrew medicine, the kidneys were considered the core of the body, where thoughts and motives originated. You go ahead and draw your own analogy as to how to express your thoughts to your brother now. hehehe. I'm sorry to sound like a smartmouth, but you under such stress, I was wondering if you may take this as humor, or as the medical info it truly is. It's kinda both. To heal, I believe you need to tell him exactly why you are angry at him, and what can be done to resolve the problem. I won't tell you to cut the family cords, unless absolutely necessary. Only you can see this decision. It's in your soul, and requires introspection, meditation. It's sad that people become defensive like a car thief when we simply say we're angry about a small issue. I tried to write of that past event, but I was so upset, I wasn't able. How can someone rape children? How can they try to kill them? I just can't stand the nightmares of what I did at 8 years old to save my own life. I want you to know because you care, and somehow it helps me rid my soul of the hell, but it's so painful. I'll be thinking and praying for you.

[swede1]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

Ha! Yes, I appreciate the humour, Mark! Funny, too, I had a little problem with my bladder as well this week, and had just remarked to my doc that THAT tied in as well, considering I've been "pissed off".LOL! The associated feeling with kidneys is fear, and of course, I have alot of that, too. I'll just have to keep my fighting spirit up somehow, as I just can't allow those 2 b******s to win over my life. My Mom was my main inspiration for that spirit... but then, that's what gets me depressed, because in the end, I'm not sure if she won or lost. But she left, and she left me in a sea of anguish. More than ever now, I remember that phrase fromt the 70's - "Life's a bitch...and then you die," and that's all it seems like most of the time. Doesn't give one much incentive for the future. That's another problem I have though - it's harder for me to live in the PRESENT, I'm so heavily into thinking about mainly the past, and then the future, not the NOW. As for writing my bro., I likely will, but just can't afford the time to do it now.

Interestingly, the Public Trustee's office just sent me the letter they'd sent to him, officially terminating his POA for our father, but that does nothing really, as it was already suspended anyway, and the more important thing is that they find the darn money. They'd given him about 6 months grace period, during which it could easily have been hidden or used up. I'd told them long ago that he already had an off-shore bank account, but did the idiots LISTEN to me? NO. Dumb as posts, and twice as lazy, they are.

For your own traumas, yes, I was looking for your post, but since hearing your 'hints' here, I can see why this would be so difficult to write about. It's an absolute CRIME what too many people do to children, and even today, not many talk openly about the after-effects that last a lifetime....killing us inside. It does sound like your past was worse than mine, and most, and also sounds like you took on the guilt that should have gone to others ( children are famous for doing that, we're so naturally giving when young ). I realize you must have also done something you feel is unspeakable, possibly in retaliation or defense?, and under the circumstances, likely I could say that it was an understandable act(s). However, not really knowing what happened, unfortunately limits my ability to speak to that. I DO know, though, that when our elders do heinous things, it skews OUR thinking, too, and we can't really be blamed for that, and as I said, we often take on EXTRA guilt, as if trying to atone for the acts of many, rather than just ourselves. I, too, have a few secret guilts for things I did in response to the craziness I grew up around, which luckily weren't too terrible of things, but to this day I'm thoroughly ashamed that I could have acted that way, even KNOWING where it stemmed from. I think it seems additionally appalling when you're very young and realize the bad stuff that can lurk within even at such a tender age...it's quite frightening to oneself. Again, I have my Mom to thank for correctly disciplining me at the time, so that it was made clear that that behaviour wouldn't be acceptable, even in a family such as ours. She drew the line FOR me.

BTW, I think I can understand MOST situations, except for one, one that is too near and dear to my heart to ever forgive anyone for....and that would be anything having to do with deliberately hurting an animal. This I could never accept, as I love and respect them too much. All through my life, animals/birds saved me from complete insanity and I cannot abide any harm coming to them - on that, I am adamant.

I pray for you, too, and hope that you can still find the potential to fully heal from your past hell, although I wish I had a magic formula for you, and all of us with terrible pasts. You've shown great courage and fortitude so far, so I have hope for you. It's certainly not fair that we have these personal hells we have to deal with all our lives and my heart goes out to you in this, too. ANY step forward, as I told Daughterrachael, is a step and that is to be congratulated. I AM thinking though, that if it's that bad for you to face, perhaps you need to find a professional ( one you can really click with ) to help get you over that final(?) hurdle. Sometimes, talking about it ISN'T enough. May blessings and angels surround you Mark.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Swede1, I'm glad you took it as funny, and I wonder if those ancients really thought we'd take it such a comedy that we should p*** on it. Never let the family have the control they seek. I'm such a rebel, even went to Woodstock, and I can look back on that and see it's a portrait of life, slogging in the mud. Like you with animals, I am with abused children. I spent years in counseling for saving my own life, even a few times had hypnosis. I still have the nightmares, the replay of taking a life. I have a difficulty with guns. I can't hunt animals, because I feel much like you do about animals. Will you gain the authority over these legal affairs now? I'd rather see you with it than others in your family. But, how do you get the money back into country once it's off shore? I would think that will be a challenge. As hard as this is, try to live in the now, my friend. The past, your past is that place of pain. I had to learn that mine was a place of perfect hell. I can tell you about it, some, but I also have to fight to stay in today, so I don't get depressed. Rest your spirit and let the angels attend your needs. Thanks for all the friend you are.

[swede1]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

I've considered myself a rebel, too, and yet I'm rather conservative in some things - not a bad balance, I think, but overall I'm mainly what I would term unconventional. That brings up its own challenges, say with making friends, but those are also the parts I really LIKE about myself. It makes for a lot of loneliness, though, as most folks I know who think like me don't live here so my best friends I've never even met in person!

It sounds like your counseling didn't go quite far enough, if you still have nightmares. So I don't know EXACTLY what you did, but I'll tell you, many of my younger fantasies were about doing away with my father, and keep in mind, he never touched ME, just my Mom, so if he HAD, I truly think I might have killed him way back then. But back then even children could go to jail and I knew that would kill my Mother, so I just yelled alot at him instead.

I'm glad you don't like hunting. Personally, I don't do anything, of the things I have some control over, that harms animals. I try to live my beliefs as I hate hypocrites.

No, I don't get to act as Guardian unless I went to court ( at great expense ), in THEIR place of residence, and applied for that. It was pointless in the first place because I have neither the funds nor means to track down bank accounts and other places the money could have been stashed in. And if it's in an off-shore account, or business, there IS nothing that anyone can do to find it....unless maybe there's a charge by the police of theft &/or fraud, which the Public Trustee COULD push for, but they don't like to, so it'll likely never go anywhere even though THEY have lots of money to work with, compared to me. There IS no one else but for my brother and me to handle our father's needs - hence, the Public Trustee. I'm still debating whether to spend money in asking a lawyer ( again, it has to be where THEY live ) about my chances for recouping any inheritance in future. I don't care that much about the money, although it couldn't hurt, but it's the PRINCIPLE that bothers me.....my father would HAVE no money if not for all the sacrifices and hard work from my Mom, and it just shouldn't go to only one child, most especially the one who didn't even visit her or care that she died! THAT'S what I hate to see him get away with. It might not be so bad if I could actually WITNESS whatever way this might come back at him, but that's not very likely. Not only that, but he's been physically sick for a number of years already, so for him to pull such a fast one on me, and it would have been on our oldest brother, too, had he not died....is just wrong on SO many levels...it should have been HIM to die, not my other brother. Then there wouldn't have been such a mess, as my dead brother had already warned me that he and I would have to band together to take this other one to court to fight for our share. It's SO UNFAIR that he was the one taken away, with only me left to fight against the 2 most evil members. If this is supposed to be some kind of test of my character or something, well, I DON'T LIKE THIS RIDE and I want to get off!

And by the way, thanks for reading and posting darn near every day....there are too many who must JUST be reading and w/o those like you, it would be pretty darn lonely even HERE, never mind in person! I know when grief is fresh, the last thing most can do is reach out in some way, even just to share their own stories, and I HAVE learned, slowly, that helping others too is PART of how we're healed ourselves, but damn it...sometimes I just need some help for MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!, ya know? So thanks for your reaching out when someone needs a few words of sharing and caring.

[annietina220]

Hi All,

I posted on the boards here once before. My name is Annie and I am

from the New England area. I lost my Best Friend in the entire world, Tina Marie Ayer to The Station Nightclub Fire on 2-20-03 due to the band Great White\'s illegal pyro. It\'s been well over two years now and I am still as

angry and depressed as the night it happened.

I am so angry, first and foremost at the band for bringing that pyro knowing it\'s not legal and that the club was small with low ceilings and then after the fire using this and claiming to raise 100 percent proceeds when they only gave less than 33 percent. Then I find out they may have embessled from The Station Family Fund as well. They know make 2 grand more than they did, I guess

the fire was good business for Jack Russell and Great White.

Second... The bouncer who told Tina and others that the backstage exit was for the band only. I wonder how this so called \"man\" sleeps at night. I wonder if

he remembers the look of fright in my best friend\'s eyes when he pushed her and others away and told them to go to the front.

The neighbor who lived behind the nightclub who happened to work for American Foam who complianed with other neighbors about the noise (HELLO, you live near a nightclub!!!) He knowningly sold the club owners the foam knowing they what they were going to do with it

The club owners for taking the cheap way out and putting flamable packing foam on the walls instead of doing the right thing and putting the right foam and then on top of that spray painting it. They also overloaded the club for greed. And because they did that, my Tina and 99 others are gone!

The City of West Warwick, Rhode Island for passing this deahtrap time after time for violations of many fire codes including the way the main enterance doors swung out. Two weeks before the fire, they went in and saw the foam on the walls and the dry condition of it and still gave The Station Nightclub a pass.

Lastly, me for not being there that night when Tina needed me the most. I know

people tell me not to blame myself but I do. I miss Tina so much that it hurts, half of me died with her on 2-20-03.

Sorry for the rant!

-Thank you,

Annie

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Annie, It's good for you to come to this place, this thread of anger, to release this insufferable torment. I have been in music since 1972, and I've seen the bad stages and the good. You are such a precious friend of Tina to be so concerned and try to show this in such a well thought way. I know you want to back up time and help her out of there, but we don't know what would happen to you if you had been there. Please don't take that wrong, but as a dad who lost his daughter to a rape and murder, I'm happy to see someone's daughter alive after this tragedy. Your anger is justified, and your depression such a part of your grief. You lost a cherished friend to a senseless act of someone's negligence. I hope that politics don't cloud judgment and discernment in getting to who the responsible people are. There are many. My thoughts and prayers rest with you, for the peace and comfort you so greatly need. Please write all you want, and we'll listen to you, and help you as much as we can along your journey through grief. Please don't feel like you need to apologize. You are welcome here, and may "rant" all you wish to. My best to you, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Swede1, I'm sick to think this is such a straining difficulty for you. It becomes tragic when a member in a family is so self indulged and self obsessed that those who should mean the most are diminished in their value. To see the behavior of those obsessed with greed, money, or power only aggravates the people of a family, and nobody has peace then. I'm sorry it's been so miserable for you. Thank you for all you wrote to me, and I would give so much to have that mess be a dream, something I can just shake off like the rain on my jacket. But, I carry the court papers, and they are so intent on destroying my spirit. I was just a kid who's foster 'mom' was trying to sexually attack me, then kill me. I had no alternative but use the only means of protection nearby, and I shot her. I have a loathing for a gun. I'm so happy that you're able to love someone, and he's able to love you and let you have the freedom to do what you must for yourself. This is good for you as you continue to adjust to the rising and falling sentiment within your family. Like you, I have made friends with some people here, and some are now so very close. I haven't seen their faces, but I can say, these dear souls are the most beautiful people in our world. For a kid who learned the other side of the law, I don't understand as much of what you face as I'd like to, but perhaps I should start learning. My father in law is now old, and I promised to care for my mom in law upon his leaving our world. You know my feelings for them, which I count my pleasure and privilege to care for them. May this be a day of happiness and peace for you. Be kind to yourself, as to a most endeared friend. Thank you for saying what you did of me being here. I'm so humbled and yet honored to know you. Mark

[annietina220]

Mark.

Thank you so much! I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. My

thoughts and prayers are with you both. I know of the pain of losing a loved one to murder because my brother Joey was murdered 20 years ago on Feb 14th. I agree with you, Tina\'s passing will probably save others in the future. My hopes are that other bands and club

owners will look back at The Station Nightclub Fire and say it\'s not worth it

to do what the band and that club did but I still have my fears though. My boyfriend Rick has been in bands for 20 years now Mark and a lot a club owners

don\'t care about anything but the buttom line and what they make at the bar.

Shaneful huh?

What about the safety of your patrons and employees?

A lot of people don\'t want to hear the fact that the actions of Jack Russell and his band Great White caused a lot of pain to all who lost loved ones. For what?

So, ole Jackie Boy could look cool for 45 seconds? For this, I will never be able to hear Tina\'s voice in person or be able to hug her and tell her what she means to me. I hope people will wake up and learn from the pain and tears of us all in Rhode Island.

Thanks Again for listening and being here for me when others do not want to hear about it anymore.

Love,

Annie

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Annie, I'm so sorry for what happened to your brother. While it happened long ago, we don't forget. We carry a part of their lives with us always. I think this is the beauty of this website. This is a place of quiet solitude, a place where we can talk about our pain without people wondering if we have two heads. I look at all you go through with such sorrow for your pain. I'm sorry you, and the 99 other collections of family and friends, must suffer because of money. Oh, I know the cash in the music world. I'm under contract with an agent, so I get to see behind the scenes. It's all about money, and it will take a lot of it to stop this insanity. What ultimately pulled me away from the large arenas and into studio work is drugs. I was an addict for so long, it almost killed me. If it weren't for that, I'd be on stage in the arenas still, having the big income. I know who controls the US drug market, and it too can never be brought down easily. With my wife now in the final stage of dystrophy, which can easily turn fatal, I took this year off to be with her. If I can do it, and she needs me at home, I'll most likely take next year off, except for studio work only. If there is anything I can offer you, it's a shoulder to cry on, my patience and time so you can talk, and support in your anger for this senseless killing of so many dear and beloved people. If you need to talk, I will always be here. Take care of you, and give yourself a little of the special treatment you need to feel good about Annie. hugs, Mark

[annietina220]

Thank you Mark and send my best wishes to your life.

I will keep her in my heart and prayers!

Love,

Annie

[jscmom]

Can you guys stand to hear another STUPID family story. It has been one year ago today since John was in his accident. My so called family has decided that I have not been able to get over his passing because of regrets and guilt of not being a good mom to him. I fought the drug use and drinking so that makes me a bad mom.

I am so flippen P***** off can't I not get over it due to the fact he was my son whom I truly love as they and we love our children? They now say his girlfriend is a killer which P***** me off to no end. Family who needs them.

Two family members have stayed honest and close the rest have not and they all can take a flying leap.

Thanks for letting me rant!!!!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

jscmom, rant away. You know how I feel about them treating you and Shannon in such a disgraceful way. grrrr. I'm with you, girl; let 'em take a flying leap. YOU, my friend, are a fantasic MOM, grandmom, and friend. You did the right thing. It's only been a year, and the "days" are especially difficult. Take each moment, and do a little something special for you. You're so worth it. Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Annie, you're the greatest! It's people like you who make this world so beautiful. Today is my anniversary, yippee! Now, I'm going to spend the day on my sweetheart. Try to enjoy today, and when the memories come up, take it moment by moment. If you need to write, I'll check back in later tonight. ((hugs)) Mark

[jscmom]

Hi Mark, Happy Anniversary I know you had a wonderful day! Thanks for your support. I went to see Johnny today and we had a talk about as this BS and I heard him say Mom don't worry about all the drama it's studid and they are. I had to giggle. Take care, your friend Lucette

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Lucette, you're priceless. You are the most beautiful Mom. I can see him now, wondering what all the fuss is about. I can also see him taking the same approach you do in caring for Shannon. She's a dear child. She needs the support. So do you. Yes, we had a perfect day. Thank you. your NYC friend, Mark

[swede1]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

Mark, I just realized I'd never replied to your explanation of what happened! Sorry! It was in my head, but I guess I got caught up in the newer postings here.

While I can see why you'd still be having nightmares about it, call me naive (because obviously I haven't gone through the same scenario) but I just wouldn't blame you a BIT for your actions. Most of us do what we feel we have to do for our survival, and certainly your situation at the time called for desperate measures. A physical, emotional and moral crime was being committed against you and you did whatever you could to stop it. I don't see anything wrong in that at all! Don't forget, too, that you were young and that's not to say youth has less discernment...in fact, I think children are naturally closer to the concepts of right and wrong more often than not, as it's not been drummed out of them yet by misguided adults in their lives. To me it's the same idea as when a burglar violates your space, intending to do harm, and gets shot in the process by the homeowner. In days before, the homeowner wasn't liable and didn't get charged with defending their own home, and as far as I'm concerned, that was the correct response. Nowadays, of course, the courts are all screwed up and backwards in their approaches, but we ALL know justice is seldom served anymore. So I see it the exact same way as your circumstance. You have NO real reason to feel badly for self defense, and if you still do, perhaps that's just a mark of your high moral standards which you're applying to yourself as well. Except in your case, YOU aren't the one who needs those morals applied - the offender did. So I hope you're not taking on the guilt that properly belongs to another. As children, we use this as a coping mechanism, but it's not a correct choice, just a trick of the mind, the mind that's desiring to see some justice. In your case, that woman got what she deserved, and frankly, I'm glad that one of 'those' beasts is gone from the world and couldn't hurt anyone else again in this lifetime!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Swede1, I'm so overwhelmed by what you said. You are a priceless friend. You're the only one who's ever said such a thing. I've had all the placations, but not the real thing, the way you said it. I don't get the nightmares over my guilt feelings as much as the memory of how gruesome it was to watch her die in such a way. Without court documents, it would be so easy to say it happened to someone else, it was a bad dream, whatever. Anything but what happened. I won't and can't tell you how sickening a sight I must live down. But today, for the first time, I feel like someone just handed me a little cup of hope. I owe you so much for that. Thank you for that, for being the friend you are. Here's a hug from the guy who isn't hurting quite as bad. Me

[swede1]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

Well, I can't believe not even a counselor would have told you such things before! It's plain as day to ME. Now that you've explained the reason for your nightmares, that makes perfect sense, too, and I'm just sorry you have to remember such gruesome details. When I remember ( and how can I not? ) how my furboy died, it's amazing to me that I DON'T have nightmares about it. However, if you remembered nothing at all about it, then it would likely be coming out in even worse ways, even if it's hard to imagine worse ways than vivid dreams. Just like veterans of wars, you suffer from the same after-effects, including, of course, Post Traumatic Stress. There ARE places, you know, where they focus on the healing of that disorder - don't know which states these are in, but I'd think you could find SOMETHING like that around. Also, maybe you're stuck with the nightmares because, again just like vet.'s, you can't/won't describe it to even a professional?...so it stays in your head, trapped for lack of expression. Just as we the grieving need to yak and yak about our stories, especially giving voice to the absolute worst parts of our experiences, the same would apply to what you've gone through. The yakking about it is how we wear down its edges, take the sharpest points off, so we can rest a bit.

I'm SO glad what I said really seemed to help, even if only for today. You certainly deserve a big break from all that inner turmoil! I have great hope that you will continue to heal from this, and all, trauma in your life and also hope the road will be a lot less bumpy than it has been to date. But if not, take heart from knowing how far ahead you've already come - that strength to overcome all odds is still in you. Just BREATH it in!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

You missed your calling Swede1. You really should be is psychology. I've been with shrinks for ages who haven't come as close as you have in a few words. How, I don't know. I know what those guys go through in war. I was shot three times. That's easy to talk about. I can easily tell you details. But, there are things of that one stupid night, that no matter how hard I try, won't come out. I've come close, but hit that wall and said I can't say it. It's almost like I'm not allowed, or afraid of sickening everyone who hears it. My brother in law does this too. He was in the Nam. If he gets near talking of one firefight, he clams and won't say another word all night. Is it guilt? Maybe. Fear? Oh yeah. This will get you. It was a woman who attacked me, who I had to . . . but, I can't talk to a man about this. Ever. You tell me. Thanks for being you. PTSD, it's there, full force. Remember your furboy, and honor his life. I have one of those little ones who takes such good care of me. She's more a part of my heart than I ever thought possible. In fact, her tail is on my keyboard now. lol. Have a great night. Me

[annietina220]

Annie, you're the greatest! It's people like you who make this world so beautiful. Today is my anniversary, yippee! Now, I'm going to spend the day on my sweetheart. Try to enjoy today, and when the memories come up, take it moment by moment. If you need to write, I'll check back in later tonight. ((hugs)) Mark

Thank you Mark!

I think it's people like you who make this world

a beautiful place. You have a beautiful and loving

heart like my Tina. I hope you and your lovely wife

had a wonderful anniversary.

Love,

Annie

[annietina220]

I had another burst of anger.

My boyfriend and I were pulling into a store

parking lot and the song on the radio was

\"You Got A Friend\" by James Taylor, That is

a beautiful song and it would normally warm

my heart but not this time. This time, I got

angry and said in a loud voice to Rick, \"Yeah

I did have a friend till Jack Russell and

Great White came to town, they took care of that

for me and now I don\'t have my best friend.\" \"She\'s

dead.\" I wonder if I am ever going to get off

this merry go round?

-Annie

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Annie, has Tina ever tried to visit you? Jennifer comes to me every night, unless I'm stressed or angry, and I feel her hugging me at bedtime. I know she has always been more than a friend, more than a sister. The love is just as deep as the grief. Time will soften your pain some. I will never tell you it's an easy road, or a freeway. It takes a long time, and only you can travel the road. My heart is with you. Funny you said James, because I was listening to Fire and Rain while chasing the ambulance again. It's happened twice. "but I always thought that I'd see you again" is a line I am learning to dread. We had to put her in hospital tonight when her heart began having problems. She may have had a heart attack, but they're not sure yet. I won't know til morning. I have been trying to find my second daughter, and a young lady and I are doing the DNA test. She sent me a pic, and while I know better than to be hopeful, you know how thoughts can be - and she looks like maybe. This is pretty cool. Our anniversary was awesome, thank you. I am so in love with her. She was so beautiful all day, all dressed up. Just to give you hope, the ride does come to a stop at some point. I don't know when, but I've been told it stops, or at least slows down so we don't stay so dizzy. Take care, and do something for you, a special to make you feel good. Mark

[swede1]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

This is just another thought, which may or not be at all valid...but maybe you can't talk to a man about it for at LEAST one reason ( probably more reasons, too ),and that is possibly because you grew up to believe men were supposed to be the classic protectors of females and so you feel like you dishonoured your gender in some way because of what you had to do? As always, I could be entirely wrong....it sure wouldn't be the FIRST time! lol

And I'm glad to hear your affections include some of those furry souls I love so much! They have more to teach us silly humans than you'd ever suspect.

I also read on some other forum ( forget which one now ) about your dear wife's recent heart problems. My prayers are with you and her in this further ordeal and I hope she'll be home again before you know it, resting comfortably and under your loving watch.

[annietina220]

Annie, has Tina ever tried to visit you? Jennifer comes to me every night, unless I'm stressed or angry, and I feel her hugging me at bedtime. I know she has always been more than a friend, more than a sister. The love is just as deep as the grief. Time will soften your pain some. I will never tell you it's an easy road, or a freeway. It takes a long time, and only you can travel the road. My heart is with you. Funny you said James, because I was listening to Fire and Rain while chasing the ambulance again. It's happened twice. "but I always thought that I'd see you again" is a line I am learning to dread. We had to put her in hospital tonight when her heart began having problems. She may have had a heart attack, but they're not sure yet. I won't know til morning. I have been trying to find my second daughter, and a young lady and I are doing the DNA test. She sent me a pic, and while I know better than to be hopeful, you know how thoughts can be - and she looks like maybe. This is pretty cool. Our anniversary was awesome, thank you. I am so in love with her. She was so beautiful all day, all dressed up. Just to give you hope, the ride does come to a stop at some point. I don't know when, but I've been told it stops, or at least slows down so we don't stay so dizzy. Take care, and do something for you, a special to make you feel good. Mark

Yes, Tina does visit me from time to time.

I too, feel her hugging me when times get rough amd she

lulls me to sleep as well. I know the song Fire and Rain and

that one line that you are talking about and it gets me all of

the time. Once again thanks for your love and support and I hope

things get better for you. I'm happy to know that you had an awesome

anniversat, you two truly deserve it!

Love,

Annie

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Swede1, How did you get such wisdom? You seem to make such perfect sense to me. I'm going to think about this one for a little. Yes, I love my kitty cat. She's my buddy. When I'm at my computer, she's usually lying on the desk, swishing her tail on the keyboard, pretending to growl at me if I touch her tail. She's a comedy. We're like the best of friends. Did you ever notice that cats talk with their tails? I learned what she means just by the way she twitches her tail. I've been around her too long. hehehehe.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Annie, I read your post on the ADCs, and I'm not being a smartmouth, but is Tina a jokester? if so, try a musical horn, or colored lights. I think you're right on the time. Too many things in the right places. Isn't it so cool to have that strange feeling that feels to good comforting us? I often think my three girls who were lost in misnarriage pay a visit too. My wife and I named them, but that added such pain. Do a special for you. You're worth it. I'm thinking of ya, Me

[brandimichelle28]

Hey Im Brandi. I used to write on here alot last year. But Im back and I dont know what to do. I was reading some of the posts and I cant really relate to alot of your stories but the forum title fits what Im going thru and I was hoping someone could give me advice. Im not going to tell my whole story again but its uner the story part of the website and my title is 16 going on 90. Well Im 17 now and I thought things would be a little better now but theyre not. My dad died over a yr. ago and in the past couple of months Ive been going thru a really bad anger stage. I dont know if im angry at my dad or if the depression just builds up so much that I snap on people, but Ive been growing apart from my bf and my mom and I dont even feel related to my brother anymore. My mom and brother are going thru a depressed state right now too and they are there for eachother and it seems that they dont understand my situation. They had their anger periods a couple of months after my dad died and Im just now starting it. I dont mean to, but the littlest things make me snap. I keep thinking, o god this is my senior year, Im graduating in a couple of months and he wont be there. And I found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and I keep thinking about when I get married he wont be there. And as for the tradtional father daughter dance, yeah I cant have that. and it makes me angry but I cant be mad at him, hes my daddy and I know that he never meant to leave me and my family. I keep fighting with my mom and getrting in trouble and me and my bf are constantly arguing. I cant find joy in anything I used to. I have been growing apart from my friends alot lately. We dont hang out anymore and barely ever talk. I keep to myself. Im seeing a counselor but that doesnt seem to help. Talking to people about this seems to help for a few hours and at the most 2 days, but not enuff that makes it seem worth it to talk to people. My bf keeps asking me whats been wrong and ill talk to him about it once then he aks me the same thing the next day. Its not a thing Im just gonna get over and I cant pretend anymore that everything is fine, its too exhausting. Thats how I made it this far tho. I thot about suicide so many times and pretending everythings fine helped me thru it. Thats why Im stuck. Im too tired of pretending. And I cant turn to God for help because after his accident I lost so much of my faith. I stopped praying, going to church, and having any faith in whatsoever. I know I will eventually need to reform my faith but I cant just yet. I have no where to run to and no one I can talk to. I dont wanna mess things up with my family and my bf bc I love them all so much but I dont know what to do anymore. Help?

~Brandi~

[alwaysmyjennifer]

brandimichelle28, anger, depression, emptiness, loneliness, and social withdrawal are all part of grieving. You are still perfectly normal, but going through the grieving process. Do you have access to a counselor, or pastor who does counseling? If so, maybe it would help to sit and talk. You are doing a good thing by coming here, and talking. We all go through the process in different ways and times. Your boyfriend will need to give you a little latitude for your grief for a little while, then you'll be able to freely share your love again. I am sorry you won't have your Dad there for those precious dreams you want to share. This is naturally going to anger you, not so much at your Dad, but at death. When we lose someone, like I lost my daughter, we become angry, and we're not really even angry at God, but at death, because it's what happened. By talking or writing, you soften the impact of the pain. It happens by saying it a few times that you get a little more accustomed to it. I hope you can write again, and find the peace and hope you need. I understand the issues of faith, because I'm a Christian, and when my daughter died, it strained my faith so much. My thoughts and prayers are with you. May you have strength for the day. Mark

[stellaanne]

brandi,

Anger is a stage of grief and I believe it's listed as being the 2nd or 3rd stage but it's a fact that grief is never in a neat package and the stages can proceed in any order and for any length. I have talked to a couple different counselors and they have basically said to expect to feel really bad for about 2 years with the stages coming and going throughout.

I understand your feeling that your dad won't be "there" for many of the important events in your life...it is most certainly a cause for anger and you should feel it and go through it without trying to surpress it. Working out or just plain walking is a good way to get out some aggression without go off on someone.

As far as your faith is concerned...I have never been the most religious of people but honestly the idea of seeing my Mom "on the other side" is really what gets me through many horrible moments...

Start reading about what happens when you die and realize your dad isn't in pain and you WILL see him again..and know that our time on earth is actually short when compared to eternity...

I believe your dad will be present at your graduation and wedding...he might even somehow give you hint that he's around and cheering you on...just be calm and pay attention.

[annietina220]

Annie, I read your post on the ADCs, and I'm not being a smartmouth, but is Tina a jokester? if so, try a musical horn, or colored lights. I think you're right on the time. Too many things in the right places. Isn't it so cool to have that strange feeling that feels to good comforting us? I often think my three girls who were lost in misnarriage pay a visit too. My wife and I named them, but that added such pain. Do a special for you. You're worth it. I'm thinking of ya, Me

Yes Mark,

Tina was quite the jokester in life.

I could spend hours with you telling you all of the pranks

that she pulled on me and others. She was awesome fun to be

around. I'll tell you some of them one day.

Love ya,

Annie

[annietina220]

Brandi,

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I know how hatd it is

to lose a loved one. What you are feeling is normal. You are not alone.

We are all here for you to help you through.

Love,

Annie

[annietina220]

I am having another bad day again over the loss of

my Best Friend Tina. I don't know whether to cry or scream or

do both. I feel so cheated over what could have been. Great

White's actions that night took away half of my life and I

doubt that I will ever be whole again.

-Annie

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Annie, my shoulder is here to cry on, and I'm deaf from the band, so you can scream in my ear. Do both. You've been so hurt by this, it's okay to feel hurt. I have to take care of something, but I'll email my fon to you in a little, if you would like it. I hope that info helps you and Rick. hugs, Me

[clittlelady]

Hello... I usually post under Loss of Mother or Father. Today, I feel like Anger and Depression better fit me. I lost my 86 year old mother August 30th. I was her late in life child, Her only daughter, her baby. We were at one time so very close. However, she was a possessive and controlling person and very selfish at times, I know she loved me. I was her main caregiver for many years. The last year and a half was hell. She developed increasing dementia, suffered mini strokes and became really cruel to me and her sitters at times. I'm 44 and consider myself to have persevered with great love. I made her a promise to honor her wishes when it came to the end of her days, to make sure no life supports or resuscitative measures were ever attempted, to honor her living will. I did. Three older living brothers, one 1200 miles away, who never came in for her illness or death and two here locally, one of which is an alcoholic. One brother was with me, one against me. It was an emotional battle. She was in a coma for two days and did awake, but she had suffered a major stroke and was in congestive heart failure and oxygen dependent. The prognosis was bleak. We took her home, per her wishes, as she was still able to express herself, however it was difficult for her to speak she made this clear, "Want to Go Home". I asked her, "Mother, even if going home means only for a few days and then going home to be with Jesus?". She said, "I'm ready." And we all knew she was. For five days and nights, even though her favorite sitter was with me, I gave every ounce of personal care for her, as I knew my opportunities would soon be gone and counted it all a privilege, though so very difficult at times. I had to feed her pureed food and be careful for her not to choke. She would try to tell me things that I couldn't understand. I love her so much and losing her has left such a void. And now, more than that, today, I'm am so bitter and torn apart inside. My eldest brother, the alcoholic, was left her humble home. That didn't bother me. What bothered me is the fact that he wouldn't even answer her phone calls the last several months, because she would beg him to come to see her. He lives 10 miles away. He took advantage of her and took money from her. She lived on a meeger SSI income, but pinched and saved every dime. Everything seems so surreal now. He didn't want anything, but he has her home, he's her executor. He and my brother who live out of state didn't pay any of the funeral costs. My husband paid three fourths of the costs and the one other brother here, paid a fourth. I'm furious. The two that didn't pay, never liked my husband, because of his nationality (Apache and Hispanic, born and raised for generations in the U.S., served in Vietnam and has worked hard every day of his life, unlike my brothers). Now, yesterday, I found out that my mother's checking account, which has my name on it as well as I was her legal power of attorney, is $800.00 in the red because my executor brother has not transferred any of the utilities and all continued to be direct billed. It's only been a little over a month and I just haven't been thinking clearly. In a fog. I'm normally sharp and on the ball with business, but now I'm responsible not only for her 6500.00 worth of funeral expenses, but paying bills for him to live? I haven't been speaking to him as he has been brushing my husband off and telling him, I'll pay you soon, man times are hard. My husband is a very understanding man, but knows I've been used for quite some years. Now, I see it and I'm mad. I truly have been used for the most part of my life. She used me and they reaped the benefits of going on with their life, never inviting her for a holiday. (She and my husband were on and off... she wouldn't have really liked anyone too much, because they were taking her baby) She would cause controversy many times in our marriage, in our home. One Christmas I had to take her home at her demands,because she was very rude to some less fortunate people that we had opened our home up to for a Christmas meal. I have good memories, but I also have many memories that make me feel like I've wasted so much of my energy on her. Hate had never been a part of me. But the feelings I'm battling in my heart regarding two of my brothers, especially executor, are ugly and concern me. I called "Executor" and told him about the checking account and that I would not be responsible for that money that he enjoyed and that I wanted the entire thing over. He said he did to and would have my money "today". I made a hard decision and contacted an attorney to turn over all funeral expenses, the entire cost to be credited against the estate. What he's doing is, he's waiting on a settlement of a large enough sum of money to pay the minimal amount he will have to pay to secure the home. Thus, he won't have to open the will. It's not the amount of the money, it's the way I feel, "a woman scorned". A sister used. I've heard through other family members that he's told others that my brother 1200 miles away paid for the funeral and we were all paying him our portion. God, this guy is such a loser and I'm so through with him. I buried two brothers with my Mother. And for the life of me, what was she thinking? How could she chose one child over another. Her will was dated 1999, so her mental status was not in a deteriorating state. My grief is so screwed up. I was suppose to shop for a toombstone, but today.... I don't think so. I don't care anymore. I feel so betrayed. I gave up so much of myself, me, heart and soul to be made to feel this way. I know I have to keep moving, but nothing, absolutely nothing feels the same. I have a professional career and right now, it seems worthless. I have one son, 25, I love dearly, but the thought of grandchildren doesn't even appeal to me. My home is just a house right now. I don't care hear my friend's meaningless conversations. I don't like feeling this way.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Clittlelady, I'm sorry you are one of us children who has been so poorly treated by our families, especially our parents. I must say that you are wise and reasonable in your approach. Never let anyone dictate how you think or feel. First, you are okay to feel hurt by your mother giving her home to your brother, who may end up drinking it into nothing. This would be a tragedy to your whole family. Then, you are acting with normal grief by not wanting to buy the gravestone. This is a family issue and should be a family expense as well. Grieve in your own way. If you feel hurt, some is your grief, maybe, but from what you wrote, it sounds like you put up with a lot, and have a strong, forgiving heart. Give yourself a little break for the things you enjoy, even if it's no more than a cup of coffee at your favorite resaurant. This helps in the grief. My best thougths and prayers are with you.

[swede1]

Clittlelady,

I hear you, and your frustration and added pain, all adding up to Complicated Grief! I thought I had trouble with MY family, similar to yours, but I think you win the 'prize' here. ( you could also post in the "Difficult Backgrounds: Making Grief Worse" forum - I think alot of my own story is in there, too ). Despite this, you sound much more reasonable than me in dealing with this and you're to be applauded for that....but I know that doesn't really solve any problems for you, except that you can hold your head up higher than the rest of your family. Our mothers sound quite similar, though in later years I never allowed myself to be taken advantage of, but I'm not sure which way is better or worse, as now I have regrets about not having done more than I did, even if I DID have my reasons at the time. Your brother sounds even worse than mine, although mainly only because I'm not getting stuck with any bills because of HIS greed and lies. It's just that he's stolen all my parents' money and so I'll never see ANY inheritance, if there even is any left to see. It's SOOO difficult having to contend with people/family such as this....I really understand. And it DOES make grief much harder because you're always having to jump and react to events when you don't have enough energy left for such atrocities. I don't really have much advise to share because I'm still in it myself, except to try your best to stay as rested as possible ( yah, I know it's almost impossible under the circumstances ) because you'll need every ounce you can muster for the NEXT horrible thing that happens because of the family. My dead brother always said that you should look at any job with an eye towards what could go WRONG, so you'd be more prepared and less shocked. Since we lived in the same family I can see where he got this attitude, and while it's a little depressing an attitude to have, it certainly does go a long way towards being prepared when you're faced with family members such as ours. I'll be thinking of you and wishing for the best outcome possible for YOUR well-being.

[clittlelady]

To Swede1 and Alwaysmyjennifer: Thank you so much much for ALL your supportive words. I know we're all hurting in one way or another and some the very same. Yesterday was just really a low day for me. I really let my anger get the best of me. And I am better than that. I've always been a giver and not a taker. I'd never take advantage of anyone and really do care about other people and their feelings. Not just to Swede1 and Alwaysmyjennifer, but for all that post here, you all touch my heart. My grief and anger seems insignificant in comparison to what some of you are living through today. I'm a Southerner and a fan of "Gone With The Wind". There's a phrase in that movie I think I'm going to adopt, "Tomorrow at Tara". If today were to be my last, I certainly don't want to waste it all on things there are no answers for and things I can not change. You're all in my prayers....

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I know that line. We're into old movies, and rarely watch new ones. We can do so little to change circumstances, but we can change our reaction to them. Be the most caring person you can be, and it will return to you many times over. Give yourself a break, a treat, to make you feel special. My thoughts and prayers go with you for the peace you need.

[magisee]

Hello. My name is Maggie. I lost a son in 2004.

I know that I am new here and will probably sound like a broken record replying to this message board and its man different posting areas.

But recently I read an emotionally charged, extremely comprehensive grief book that has helped me so much in dealing with my loss.

A friend of mine recommended an author friend she knew. Her name is Katlyn Stewart, and she gave me her web address- http://understandinggrief.katlynstewart.com I went to the site and clicked on the grief book she had listed there- Song Of Cy: Understanding Grief. It took me to a publishers site where I bought the E-Book.

Anyway, I am getting long winded.

This book by Katlyn Stewart has helped me to understand so much of what I was feeling as a mother. Both emotionally and physically.

The author leaves no stone unturned.

I am so thrilled with this book, I wanted to post here in regard to it (and I dont post to messageboards)

If you have a chance, and can...check out the website. Maybe buy the book and see for yourself.

I will close in saying...

Here is to our healing of a loss greater than any loss I will ever know.

Maggie

[lauraa]

Magisee.....thank you....I will check out the sight and the book...This grieving is the toughest thing I have ever had to do. Blessings to you!

[jenyfer]

Hello Peoplez.

I am a 19yr old Native American Gal. and This month OCTOBER is marking something special for me, but i dont know how to go about it. it dont feel so special when the person isnt around to share it. My Grandpa died November 13th 1991. i was only 5years old. and he just turned 50. the thing that is probably triggin all of you is "how can she remember him that young?" and the truth is i dont know, my parents still dont know. but he is the only one who runs through my mind.

My grandfather was paralized from the neck down, so everything im doing now, im doing for him. i live for him. October 31st was suppose 2be my due date for my daughter that i had last year. October 18th 2004 she was born. i was hopeing for Oct 31st though. thats my grandpas birthday.

This year we are having a party for him. but i dont think i can handle it.

i feel like im going back into my depression stage. before my daughter was born, i was doing everything to end my life to be with the one person i thought cared. i tried: hanging myself, slitting my wrist, O.Ding... but i knew there was a reason why i shouldnt have died.

and that was because... i knew i wanted a baby! and now that she has been born the depression has slightly gone, its only October and November i feel lost.. can someone give me some advice on how to control it... i dont want my daughter seeing me in misery. i dont want her to see her mother cry un-controlibly because she misses someone. because i noticed whenever i am sad. she is hurting.

Miigwetch (Thank You)

Jenyfer

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Jenyfer,when we hurt, so do our children, even at as babies. What a beautiful birthday for her. My Jenni was born Oct 16. My advice to you for the days ahead, especially the family celebration of your grandfather's birthday, is to take each moment and breathe in and out. Make this minute the one to get through. Don't look too far ahead. When the feelings begin to overwhelm you, look at your beautiful daughter, and remember your grandfather's spirit. He is smiling on you, and her eyes are full of love and trust for such a caring and precious mom as you. When I'm depressed, I think of my grandfather's spirit, and that he sees me. I know he is proud of who I became through the years. I look at my children and my grandson, and I see eyes filled with reasons for me to keep going. I wrote in the other forum to you, the Native American. Keep praying, seek peace. You will find what you seek.

[swede1]

For Everyone:

Found a few (more) cliches we all seem to suffer from receiving from those who don't understand, and thought I should start posting these when I find them...for your comfort, from others who understand.

http://www.griefworksbc.com/Cliches.asp

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thank you Swede1, for that collection. My all time least favorite was getting hit with, "but you still have your other children." Is any one child to mean more or less than another? Jenni is my firstborn, and while I never play favorites, losing one is the worst pain a parent can bear. Yes, I still have my other children, who are all suffering from grief, and need my comfort. This adds to the insanity of such remarks.

[clittlelady]

Hello to all who are in this place. I read and re-read these postings and feel a connection with so many. I've come to realize, that you don't understand real pain unless you've lived it. My mother has been gone 44 days now. My heart has been on such a journey through this valley of grief. I feel like such a broken record. I've realized that there is an enormous difference in being FAMILY and being RELATED. Like some others here, I too have separated myself from the negatives... those that hurt us. I never considered myself as part of a "dysfunctional family", but the older I get and the more family situations I've survived, I realize that yes, that's exactly what it is and has been. Even though there has been some genuine love and tenderness through the years, there has equally been as much turmoil and selfishness. The death of my Mother has brought out so many ugly and hurtful realizations. Oh, how I loved her and cared for her, even when it was difficult at times. Now she's gone and out of three living brothers, only one will I speak to, on a very casual basis. He is the only one who helped, very minimally, with my mother's burial expenses. The two older brothers, no help at all. I'm dealing with the fact that she chose to totally ignore three of her four children to leave her little home and all belongings to our eldest brother. I'm dealing with the fact that HE never provided any care for her, but yet would "borrow" money from her (which he never repaid).

I guess my most recent hurt came in the form of reading a newspaper ad. I picked up the paper last Friday and scanned the garage sale ads, because I knew eventually, my brother would clean out everything. Even in knowing it was coming, it took my breath away to see the advertisement with her home address, "Garage Sale - Lots of Stuff". He didn't even bother to let anyone know, especially my other brother and I,who are both local. I had extended family members who would have love to have had some little token of Mother's for a keepsake in her honor. I would have never went to the sale myself, nor would my other brother. More than anything, it hurt so much to know he took possession of her house less than a week after her burial and now, all my mother's things were going off to strangers. All my mother's little treasures, gone with a price tag. I was her only daughter and stayed at home with her longer than any of the other kids. I married when I was 22. Nothing she owned was of any great monetary value, but they were the last fragments of what I called "Home", being loaded up and carried off. I needed more time to grieve. In reality, I know everything couldn't be kept, but it just seemed too soon. Too cold. And I can't even cry. I feel a dead zone inside. I was angry at her briefly, because it seemed like such a slap in the face to her other kids, but now I don't even feel that now.

Thanks to all who share here, because I know I'm not the only one. I believe that life must go on and I want to smile again in my heart. She was such an large part of my life and so much energy was dedicated to her. I want to be able to re-focus and take this pain and turn it into something else.

God Bless you all.. Take care

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Clittlelady, grief is enough on us, but it's a mess when we add an unstable family. I found it best to let them go their way ranting and raving, while I tried to maintain my own "sanity". Unfortunately, I know those feelings of the "garage sale" you mentioned, even though they didn't sell it in the yard. When my grandfather died, everyone showed up for a freeforall grab bag. It sickened me to see them treating this loving man's possessions like trinkets at GoodWill. I left with only the items given me in the will, and no more. I let them fight and argue, which was truly yelling and fist throwing. I have turned my energy into caring for his gravesite, leaving the "family" to their Payton Place feuds. The moral? Whatever you do, make it be for peace, for you, for your own family, then as much as you can for them. If they continue to fight, let them. You be at peace. My best thoughts and prayers are yours.

[griffinsmom]

Many "new" people- so sorry for your losses, all our losses.

Just thought it'd be a good idea for me to say how much I miss Griffin, how I still cannot believe he is.......-and the panic and helplessness and despair I feel when I think of the reality of this. It is all really intense, and I thought I was "adjusting".....well, I could have posted or just kept it in and keep getting angrier at irrelevant things/ situations/ people- and just not go out in public for fear of getting arrested or worse- wearing my completely warped attitude on my sleeve like that.....Im doing a multipost on this, feedback will be helpful. Good luck, and peace to all of us...I am sorry.

[clittlelady]

TO ALWAYSMYJENNIFER: Thank you, again. Your words are truly an inspiration. I know from where they come. Icing on the cake, my brother from out of state sent message to me via one of his sons today, that he couldn't believe I didn't pack of some of Mother's things for him? My brothers are going to continue until they actually make me to laugh over this. I am going to grief counseling, a christian counselor whom I'm familiar with and respect. I will get over this anger and eventually divert my energies somewhere else. I think I would be better off if I didn't hear from them. I will be better. I know God has a greater purpose for me. Thanks for your prayers, sincerely. You're in my prayers as well.. God Bless.

[swede1]

Clittlelady,

I don't know if you read any of my own story, either here or wherever the heck I'd posted what! ( memory's still shot )But our stories are similar, even in the sale dept. The main difference being, had I lived in my home city and found out about the sale(s), I would have gone and bought, if I'd had to, everything of my Mom's that SHOULD have, and was SUPPOSED to go to me, and then some! Not only did they make a mess of the prices ( WAAAYYY undervalued, as my parents DID have a lot of quality things ), but my dad was selling off things like the pictures I sent my Mom for things like Mothers' Day, some of her and me, portrait photos of her, the wedding anniv. photo I'd arranged to have restored and reframed, etc. In fact, I believe this action on his and my brother's part was so wrong, I likely would have made a royal scene, letting all potential buyers know that I was the only daughter, hadn't been informed, was being robbed of my only Mother's things, yadda-yadda. Call me what you will, I would have made it my mission to shame the bejeezers out of the lot of them! Because it's just WRONG to do things like this!! But this is my great frustration - that I WASN'T there to find out and do anything about it, that my brother got to take whatever was left and not share anything, that I had to pay for my Mom's china set to get it back to where it rightfully belonged, that I was unacknowledged as the daughter and bumped aside forevermore, and not able to defend my rights. I don't mind in the slightest, being a firecracker when it's called for, but I didn't get the opportunity. I think, whether it's healthy or not, this is going to be with me for all of my days. I'm gonna sound JUST like my Mom, who never got over the sale of HER mother's things, or one sister taking things w/o telling anyone, before my Mom was able to get there to help out with the estate sale. She was forever angry about it, and in this case, like mother, like daughter, for ME.