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Anger and Depression


grammie25

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I have got to keep this short because I'm at work, but will be back later this evening. Right now I have to let off some anger. Actually I don't know what it is, maybe confused, lonely. I'm afraid of my emotions. My mom died on April 28,2004 and my dad May 5. I miss my dad. My mom and I never had a relationship. My dad was gone before I had time to blink my eyes. I know this sounds stupid, but with others having loved ones come back, why doesn't my dad come to me. I'm sure he knows. This is so much more, but I will visit this evening. Thanks for listening

Karen

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This story was here on beyondindigo. If anyone here has ever experienced this type of loss specifically, or if you are the person who wrote this, please email me. I have not found anyone who can relate to losing like this. It is so difficult to express. I just need someone who understands. Someone that I can email and share with. Thank you so much.

Shanni Marie Redshanni67@Aol.Com

My Hands Are Tied

by Deb Sims, MS,RNCS,LCSW

Dear Deb,

At the edge of December 1998 I made a very good online friend. She was the best friend, online or off, that I have ever had. On June 10, 1999, she passed away. Quite frankly, I have lost good friends that I knew offline that didn't hurt me in the way that this did. My friend had a webpage at GeoCities that I visit every 3 weeks to keep it up. It had gotten to the place that it was easier to go to that page every three weeks than it was for a long time. My friend lived about 40 miles from me and, to make a long story short, she had a childhood that was full of mental, physical, and sexual abuse.

It's also worth mentioning that she told me that she was planning on divorcing her husband. After her death I ordered a back issue of the local paper to find out, from her obituary, where she was buried so that I could visit her grave. Her obituary said that burial would be private. I was finally able to find out where she was buried in late April 2000, through some online detective work.

When I got to the cemetery where her cremated remains are buried, I found out that her family still hasn't bothered to get a marker for her grave. I know that I reached her grave because she was cremated and the cemetery was very small; the man at the funeral home, who spoke to me, told me where she was buried. The man at the funeral home, who handled her, was very nice and frankly he's the reason that I was able to find her grave in the first place. Words can't tell you how much this hurt me. Seeing her buried in an unmarked grave, and finding out that my hands are totally tied because I'm not family, has hurt me deeper than I've ever been hurt and I feel so useless. It is a slap in the face to me to know that my friend's online friends (several people made tribute webpages to her) actually cared about her more than her family. I'm a 32 year old man and seeing that her grave was unmarked after almost a year hurt me so bad that I spent the whole day, after visiting her grave, home alone, on a crying jig. I cried all the next day about that.

Do you have any suggestions for the way I feel? My offline friernds, and even a few that are online, don't understand how I could feel this way toward someone online whom I never met.

Dear Reader:

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. Just because you never met personally does not mean your friendship was unimportant. Relationships of value are based on knowing the true essence of a person's soul, and it certainly sounds like you knew each other well. I can believe she was your best friend. ContinuedYou are just approaching the year anniversary, and your grief will have been no less because you knew her only on line. Each significant anniversary of that first year is felt intensely: birthdays, special events and the hardest is the one year anniversary. It also sounds as if part of your difficulty is that her family seemingly valued her so little. A burial in April 2000 seems a long time to wait. I wonder if that isn't reopening the grief also.There is nothing abnormal about your mourning her loss and your grief reaction. You had a close connection, and now you are deeply feeling the result of that loss. In olden times people had the wisdom to wear black for a year after someone died. They knew what we've forgotten: that it takes a minimum of a year and more like two to move through the stages of the grieving process.I don't know your spiritual beliefs about what happens after death. If you'd like to write me back and share them, I'd be happy to talk a little more about this. But many people view death as a transition to a different existence, not finality. And one therapeutic technique is to write to the person who has died. Sometimes this will be a one time letter to say what was left unsaid; sometimes it is a poem or statement of tribute to the person, with the item placed for others to read such making a memorial page. Whatever you choose, I do have a suggestion for you. Is there a place that you know she liked very much or think she would like? Remember only her body is in the grave--not her soul or her spirit. If there is some place you know she'd like, there is no reason you can't designate that as the place of tribute to her. You can honor her with flowers there, or a bush in your yard, or plant a tree in honor of her. She was loved and she touched others' lives.That's the essence of who she was and you were aware of that part of her. That her family wasn't, is their ignorance. But she lives on in others' memory. And while this is only my personal belief, there will be a time for meeting personally--just not now.You are coming upon one of the hardest parts: the one year anniversary. It's okay to grieve. And it's okay to honor her in your own personal way. There are many people who would believe her soul would know that.Again, I am so sorry for your loss and so glad she was so loved and cared about by others.

Blessings,

Deb

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I appologize up front if I posted this in the wrong place.

I am in need of anyone who can give me some constructive thoughts or support.

I was one of 6 children from a "hers, mine and ours family". We were all never too close but in the same breath didnt have a lot of issues either. We love each other but our relationship was more like a see ya at christmas and birthdays. We all seemed content with this.

My younger brother's 4 year old son passed away last summer from an accident. It was unbearingly hard to see up front and personal the pain and suffering that my brother and his wife(a mother and father) went through. Us 5 siblings were at the hospital daily and eventually at the funeral. My 20 yr old daughter was asked to sing at the memorial but instead read scripture from the bible. Im not extremely religious but I found her reading (about God's plan, everything has a season) very comforting.

Recently my daughter received a letter from my sister in law (my nephews mother) chastising my daughter for her mis-quotes of the bible, about her cruel God taking their son but their God cried with them, how my daughter made the worst day of their life more painful. They also said that the pastor was powerless as my daughter stood on her soap-box and mis-quoted scripture (she read directly from the bible)They said because of this they would not be going to her wedding in 3 weeks. I immediatly called my brother asking for us to all meet and work through this. He said no that they needed time. I let him know the letter was hurtful and they assumed wrong of her intentions. I told him that she would never try to hurt them knowingly, that she read from the bible and that she had heard the scripture before at a funeral and found it to be comforting. He didnt seem to care if it hurt us... they are the ones who took it wrong and are the ones who lost a child. (what could I say to that). I emailed them a letter but they did not want to hear anything. They said they didnt agree with my daughters doctrine (she prodistant like them!)and they have felt this way for some time.(again im not good or understand the religious part of it)

My daughter mailed them a letter appologizing for their misunderstanding but did not try to intentionally hurt them. She is sick over this and feels so incrediably guilty. They do not want to speak with her or us (her parents) in person. In the letter they also put in a scripture about being a hipocrit.

My daughter has been a Christian since shes been 13 (my brother and his wife are rather new believers im told). She studies the bible, plays in a christian rock band, goes on yearly mission trips. She is bright, in her senior year of college and is extremely caring of others. She is not an "over the top" Christain that lectures people or is pushy. In fact my brother and his wife do not know her well enough to even comment that she is a hipocrit.

We do not know how to deal with this. Im involved because its my brother and my daughter is not sure what to think or do. Its 3 weeks before her wedding and is deeply hurt by their letter. They lost a child. I feel so hurt for them...I have had a hard time knowing what to say to them......They spend more time with her family... they have only been around our family several times in the last 8 months since the accident. His siblings need him around more but my brothers wife has always had the upper hand in their relationship anyway. Im afaraid it will be worse now.

Where do we go from here?? How do we fix this?? We need help...

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Beyond Indigo Is Looking for Message Board Monitors

Interested in volunteering a few hours each week to monitor a message board and interact daily with the Beyond Indigo community? We're looking for monitors to share their experience, strength and hope. If you are interested, contact Julie at julie@beyondindigo.com for more information.

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slowlyhealing

Sherrie123,

Ummm wow. I have been a true Christian since I was 16. Before then... I was always known as the pastors daughter. I don't know my scripture well, but I know a lot about God, because of the way I was raised. I've been reading a lot more of the scriptures now, since I was saved, but also... since then something Happen. When I was 17 My dad did the unthinkable and... his family paid the price. My father is now in prison. The Godly man I grew up with, my father... is in prison. Right when we got the call that my dad was arrested, another call came in. The same exact night. We found out my mom had ALS. My heart broke. I was angry... and I was scared... and I didn't know what to do... or say. Why would God do this to me when I turned back to him? Why would he take away my parents? Why would he let my father do this?

When they say time heals... I truly believe it does. My anger towards my father is still present at times, the pain that I know my mom won't get to be at my wedding or hold my babies.... is still very present. But through everything we've been through my mom's faith in God stands firm. She can't speak anymore. She can't hold her head up. She can't walk. She hug me... but in her eyes... I see her love. It hurts... Especially when other family members don't understand the pain my father caused, and the pain of the thoughts of loosing my mom are coming true. I'm not angry at people who don't understand... cause at times I don't even understand the pain. I know God's here, and I know HE is still GOD. Through all of this... I've come to lean on him more... than I believe I would ever have done before. I wish it didn't take this big of a trial to bring me to him. I have two younger brothers under the age of 18, and... I fear because I know none of us are as strong of a christians as we should be. My youngest brother... I don't believe He knows the Healer's love. I don't know how they'll handle it. All I can do is watch and trust God to bring him through. I know I'm not this may not truly be helpful. But God is still there with your family. Even though the pain my still be oh so very present... God will get will get you through. God bless your daughter and her marriage. May more happiness come to you and your family, even through the trials.

I'm still here... and God is still in control

Nicole

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Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

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Slowlyhealing. Nicole, there is nothing I can put into words that will help you with the question of "why" God does or allows such things. Try to remember the promise that He will never leave you or forsake you. Use that for strength and hope. We can't control the actions of others, only our response to their actions, and that comes from our character. We don't wish those we love to become ill, but grace is given to care for and love them through the course of their illness.

I came here after losing several of my family to the violent intentions of another person. Through the pain of my loss, I take comfort knowing I am not travelling this path alone. You will be in my prayers often through your difficult times.

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slowlyhealing

Thank you Tinasdad for the prayers and support. I know that I may never know why until I get to heaven... And for now I'll live with that. My mom is still here and I still time with her. God loves all of us, its the world that is handing us the bad stuff not God. God wants to hold us in his arms and surround us with his love... Its up to us to realize it and its up to us to let him love us.

Thanks again Tinasdad. I'll probably write again some other day. I pray for you and your family for comfort too. :)

Thoughts and prayers

One breathe at a time

Nicole

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Hi everyone --

Did you know if you click on the quote button on the bottom right corner of a member's post, you can add what they said into your post and comment on it?

Take Care,

Julie

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waynesliljeanne

Dear Barbara Goodwin

I know what it is to lose a brother. I was fortunate that while it was an accident, we didn't have to go through any thing like what you have. He died as the result of injuries received in a bicycle fall. It has now been 14 years, and I can tell you that it does get easier. I still have moments when it hits me anew that he is gone, but it takes a lot less to get past those moments now. You will never lose the tinge of sadness, but you do cry less, and the better memories can be looked at with less sorrow.

The anger and hatred of the man responsible for your brothers death will be a much different situation... If you haven't already pursued a wrongful death suit against this man, you should do so. It is the only way that your brother's family can expect to receive any financial compensation for the loss of a husband & father. Speak to an experienced attorney about pursuing not only the driver, but the auto insurance carrier - if there was one. This needs to be done soon since there is a statute of limitations - it was 3 years ... but may have changed.

Your anger and hatred can not be beneficial - that's not a question, it's a flat statement. NOTHING can be gained from it. It does not affect that person at all, and it will ruin your life, and greatly affect your family. It will not be easy, it will not be quick, and it will take a great deal of effort and belief in God, yourself, your family, and love for your brother to give it up.

It is much easier to be ANGRY than it is to be sad. But it is better for you

to experience and release the sorrow, than to hang on to the anger and avoid the pain. Keeping the anger will also make it harder to get past the worst of the grief for your brother.

I am not a counselor, I am not a professional, I am not a religious fanatic. I am just a woman, who has lost a brother, who was angry with the way the doctors treated him, and who was very angry with God... what purpose could my 16 year old brothers death serve after all.

I am also a woman who in the past 2 months has lost my husband to cancer. So I do know the feelings of despair, over whelming sadness, distrust, anger and hatred.

If anyone who reads this would like to email me, please do so. I spend a lot of time with my computer, and it helps to talk to others who truly understand.

email: Bettajeanne@yahoo.com

Well Boy do I have anger...

Jan.7,2004 My Brother was Killed by a hit and run driver on I-94 High-way. The guy never even stopped he just left my brother in the raod to be hit many more times... We have gone to court over this guy since April. Jury Trial was supose to start on Nov.1 but he pleaded No Contest, That Judge ONLY Sentenced him to a $12,000.00 fine and Maybe 12 months in Jail. He was up for 15 years in Prison...Where is the Justice in the Justice System. Can some one please help me to understand this. Do you think my brothers childern are going to see any of the fine money....NO it goes to the City of Ann Arbor, Mi.

Well we went to court on Dec.13,2005 the Judge gave him 12 months in jail -No Prison... He will probly not spend 9 months. I hate this man and the Justice system it is all wrong and designed for the criminals not the victims......

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waynesliljeanne

Dear Cloet,

Unlike many people who may respond to your letter, I do know about autoerotic asphyxiation. No, I have not tried it. I did know someone you experimented with it. It is not in the realm of what most of us consider normal, but it is practiced by a large number of people, in several different ways.

Your nephew died for the same reason a college or highschool kid dies of binge drinking, or huffing, or drug overdose. None of them are stupid, a good number are actually above average intelligence, they are looking for a "good time" and believe me, NONE of them thinks that anything bad will happen to them. They are the ones who will never die, never have a "bad" experience, can stop when they want.

Your nephew did not expect to die, he did not plan on his mother even knowing that he had tried this. It is typically a very private practice; partly because sex is usually private, and partly because it is considered deviant, even psychologically so. Chances are, if your nephew had no other mental history, that it was just a phase, something he heard, saw in a movie or read in a magazine and like many young people, thought it might be stimulating to try. Don't destroy his memory by blaming him for your sister's sorrow, or for yours or anyone else's. If your nephew had planned to die, it wouldn't have been in a way that would expose himself like that. It was, simply, a mistake.

You can be very sure that his last thoughts were a jumble of sadness, guilt, and embarrassment. He was thinking of himself in the moments prior - that's the nature of things. But I do believe that he was in the last thinking of his family, and wishing there was some way to make them understand that this was not in his plans.

Trying to understand why he would try such a form of personal gratification is like trying to understand why someone gets drunk, or why someone enjoys bowling or golf so much it will keep them from their family. Why does this person use drugs even though EVERYONE knows how bad it is. Why does another person pay for a prostitute when there is a beautiful, loving wife at home? If it isn't in your circle of life, you will not understand. You can only be willing to accept.... accept that he tried something different, that he did something "dumb" like a lot of people, even adults, do. Accept that he DIDN'T ever expect to hurt anyone - least of all himself. And, for yourself & the rest of your family, be willing to forgive. Forgive him for being an imperfect, sometimes selfish, unthinking, weird, experimental HUMAN BEING.

Remember, if God still loves him, can't you?

I don't know if this is the right forum for my post, but I do know that ever since my nephew died a few years ago, my grief has always been mixed with anger... anger at him.

He did something really stupid which caused his death at the young age of 18. He began experimenting with autoerotic asphyxiation (sp?) and, inevitably, it caused his death. Basically, he hung himself.

As you can imagine, I have never been able to express my true feelings about his death. Even my best friend doesn't know how he died, just that he did. It was shocking when it happened, and I know it would disgust and repel people if they knew what really happened to him. In fact, in my numb grief after he died, I did tell a friend what happened, and was basically told that she was not interested in hearing about it, and she never called me again.

So, in his stupidity (here comes that anger again), he tore my family apart--the grief was so much worse because of his method of death. My mother, his grandmother, kept trying to understand and her bewilderment on top of her grief was an added burden until the day she died. She told me, in fact, that a consolation of dying would be knowing that she might finally understand why he would do something like that.

He committed an act which tore us all apart. Now I have to live with the knowledge that my sister, his mother, while coping with her grief, is--by her own admission--also waiting for heaven to understand and be with him again.

Why would he do this? Has anyone else ever lost a loved one this way? I'm sorry if this post offends anyone, but I have to get it out. It angers and saddens me that my grief has to be mixed in with my anger at the horrible and selfish way he died, if that makes any sense. We found evidence that he had visited newsgroups on the subject and he was an intelligent kid-- he HAD to know what a high mortality rate this practice has, and yet apparently he didn't care about anyone but himself and his own gratification at the expense of anything and anyone.

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Waynesliljeanne -- That was wonderful post and I agree with you totally. Trying to understand human behavior is impossible. We often do things we know better than to do, but do it anyways, never expecting negative results.

Cloet -- I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you will continue to share. Talking about your feelings help you sort them out. Let us help you through your pain.

Take care,

Julie

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Melanie1015

I haven't posted here in a long, long time. I lost my Father May 27th, 2003, and I am still full of rage, still extremely depressed. I had a psychiatrist tell me that I should've been completely over his death after one year. Well, it's been almost 2 now, and I feel no better than I did the day he left us. I can't find anybody who can help me deal with all this bitterness, anger, rage, depression, etc. Why don't I feel any better after almost 2 years? Is this normal? He died very unexpectedly, very suddenly. There are days when I think I can't go on another minute without him. I can't look at a picture or mention his name without falling to pieces. I cannot stand the dr. who was attending him at the ER that day, I cannot stand his 2nd wife, (my Mother is dead, too, she died in 1999 of cancer). This woman, my "stepmother" did NOTHING to help him, and she KNEW he was seriously ill the day he died. I hate her. I know that I shouldn't use that word, but I do. There are so many other circumstances surrounding my Father's death, which I won't go into, but they are eating me up inside. I haven't been the same person since he died. I truly believe he took the best of me with him when he left this earth. What does one do, when after almost 2 years, they're still dealing with emotions that they dealt with when the ones they loved died. Why is it taking so long?

Melanie

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Melanie1015

I haven't posted here in a long, long time. I lost my Father May 27th, 2003, and I am still full of rage, still extremely depressed. I had a psychiatrist tell me that I should've been completely over his death after one year. Well, it's been almost 2 now, and I feel no better than I did the day he left us. I can't find anybody who can help me deal with all this bitterness, anger, rage, depression, etc. Why don't I feel any better after almost 2 years? Is this normal? He died very unexpectedly, very suddenly. There are days when I think I can't go on another minute without him. I can't look at a picture or mention his name without falling to pieces. I cannot stand the dr. who was attending him at the ER that day, I cannot stand his 2nd wife, (my Mother is dead, too, she died in 1999 of cancer). This woman, my "stepmother" did NOTHING to help him, and she KNEW he was seriously ill the day he died. I hate her. I know that I shouldn't use that word, but I do. There are so many other circumstances surrounding my Father's death, which I won't go into, but they are eating me up inside. I haven't been the same person since he died. I truly believe he took the best of me with him when he left this earth. What does one do, when after almost 2 years, they're still dealing with emotions that they dealt with when the ones they loved died. Why is it taking so long?

Melanie

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melanie1015, first thing in response to your post........get a new therapist. if that person tells you that you should be completely over his death by one year they deserve a hard kick in the ass. how cruel!!! they are not a very good therapist. try to find one that specializes in loss and/or berevement. also, another thing you might want to try if you haven't already is a berevement class. i go to one thru a local hospital. it is helpful to me to also be able to hear how others are dealing with their grief and their thoughts/feelings/emotions. also try your local hospice agency and see what they can offer to you. ours has a wonderful berevement support system/program. try local churches. sometimes they have groups/classes too. have you tried journaling?? for some it is helpful. have you tried reading different books on surviving a loved ones death or the after life. have you tried planting a garden in memory of him. as far as your "stepmother"....i'm not sure what to say to that. but i can tell you to try to let your feelings out. yell and scream and punch a pillow. do it as much as you need to. go for walks or take up a step class or kick boxing class........just some thoughts. are you on meds for the depression?? if not maybe it could help to get you over the hump. i just went off my meds this week. and they have really helped me. i do think the therapist plays a role in your grief precess. try to change therapists. keep posting here because we are here to support you and to listen. i wish you the best. heather

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madamystic

I AM NEW AT SHARING MY FEELINGS ON THIS TOPIC, I WAS LIKE THE OSTRICH...SO FORGIVE ME IF I SEEM TO RAMBLE. I LOST MY HUSBAND IN 1995 AT THE AGE OF 26, I WAS 37. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE OF A LIFE FOR THE NEXT 3 YRS AND THEN I LEFT THE STATE AND STARTED OVER IN ANOTHER ONE. THAT DOES NOT EVEN TOUCH THE SURFACE OF WHAT I DID AND DID NOT DO TO MY LIFE AND MY CHILDREN'S. TODAY I DEAL WITH MY GRIEF. I AM STILL UNMARRIED. HOWEVER, RIGHT NOW AND I CAN BARELY WRITE THESE WORDS...MY FATHER IS DYING......AND I AM DYING SLOWLY ON THE INSIDE,,,,,THIS IS WORSE,,,,,SO MUCH WORSE,,,,I AM NOW OLDER AND TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS, BUT I CANNOT...FIRST I REFUSED TO ACCEPT IT.....I AM LEAVING TOMORROW TO GO TO NY AND HELP MY MOM TAKE CARE OF HIM. HE IS HOME WITH A WONDERFUL HOSPICE TEAM MAKING IT POSSIBLE.....I TALK TO THEM LONG DISTANCE AND AM ON THE PHONE 24/7 WHEN I CANNOT BE THERE IN PERSON. BUT THE HURT AND THE PAIN ...I CANNOT DRESS MYSELF OR SHOWER OR TALK TO PEOPLE,,,,,,,,I CRY ALL THE TIME,,,FOR DAYS ON END.......I DONT WANT TO LOSE HIM.......HE IS A WONDERFUL AND SWEET AND GIVING DADDY THAT HAS HELPED ME BRING UP MY 3 CHILDREN AS IF THEY WERE HIS OWN. HE IS GENEROUS AND I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN DADDY'SLITTLE GIRL,,,,,,,I MISS HIM SO MUCH,,,,HE IS END STAGE ALZHEIMERS NOW AND I WANT TO SCREAM AND YELL AND HIT THINGS CUZ HE DOES NOT DESERVE THIS.......I FEEL AS IF I CANNOT LIVE THROUGH THIS,,,,,,I AM SELFISH,,,,I WANT HIM TO STAY AND BE WITH US.....WE NEED HIM SO MUCH...I NEED HIM,,,,,,,,,I HAVE JUST NOW STUDIED HIS LIFE AND HIS MTG WITH MYMOM IN AUSTRIA AFTER WW11 AND THEY WERE AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN IN LOVE,,,,,60 YRS TOGETHER....HE USED TO TAKEME TO THE PARK EVERY WKND TO PLAY BALL AND CLIMB TREES,,,,,,THE SAME FOR HIS GRANDCHILDREN,,,,,HE WAS MODEST..........AND TODAY HE REMEMBERS NOTHING MUCH BUT HE KNOWS MY MOTHER IS HIS WIFE........I AM SO SCARED OF WHEN IT HAPPENS,,,,,,,,,,,PLEASE TELL ME HOW DO YOU LIVE THROUGH THIS............SORRY FOR RAMBLING,,,,,,,I GO TO CAREGIVERS MTGS AT THE HOSPICE DOWN HERE WHERE IAM.,,...BUT I REALLY JUST WANT TO BE ALONE MOST DAYS TO THINK AND CRY..............I PRAY.........I RANT,,,,,,,,,,I AM LOST.

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twiggy1979

"Madamystic" -

I read your words, once and then again to see if at one point knowing what to say to ease your hurts would surface. I am sorry I am short those words :( Nothing ever prepares us for a death. Despite, the idea of having been a part of your life before, each death brings its new "awakening" per se - when once again you are jolted into some sort of existence you aren't quite ready for, for this reason - I empathize with you. Although, both my losses were real to me, yours touch you differently and again you must THIS time choose to look at it from a different perspective. You used a great comparison to the ostrich, this time look at in the eyes, and dont' sheild yourself from the hurt and sadnes that indeed will manifest itself at strange intervals.

I wish there were ample words that I could speak that would soothe your tired and frightened mind. I am lost for words. I hope you find the strength you neeed in those you trust and love. Death's doorway is never an easy one to walk through. My hope is that you cry when you need to cry, shout when you need to shout. The pain is real....that I do KNOW.

Take good care,

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I AM NEW AT SHARING MY FEELINGS ON THIS TOPIC, I WAS LIKE THE OSTRICH...SO FORGIVE ME IF I SEEM TO RAMBLE. I LOST MY HUSBAND IN 1995 AT THE AGE OF 26, I WAS 37. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE OF A LIFE FOR THE NEXT 3 YRS AND THEN I LEFT THE STATE AND STARTED OVER IN ANOTHER ONE. THAT DOES NOT EVEN TOUCH THE SURFACE OF WHAT I DID AND DID NOT DO TO MY LIFE AND MY CHILDREN'S. TODAY I DEAL WITH MY GRIEF. I AM STILL UNMARRIED. HOWEVER, RIGHT NOW AND I CAN BARELY WRITE THESE WORDS...MY FATHER IS DYING......AND I AM DYING SLOWLY ON THE INSIDE,,,,,THIS IS WORSE,,,,,SO MUCH WORSE,,,,I AM NOW OLDER AND TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS, BUT I CANNOT...FIRST I REFUSED TO ACCEPT IT.....I AM LEAVING TOMORROW TO GO TO NY AND HELP MY MOM TAKE CARE OF HIM. HE IS HOME WITH A WONDERFUL HOSPICE TEAM MAKING IT POSSIBLE.....I TALK TO THEM LONG DISTANCE AND AM ON THE PHONE 24/7 WHEN I CANNOT BE THERE IN PERSON. BUT THE HURT AND THE PAIN ...I CANNOT DRESS MYSELF OR SHOWER OR TALK TO PEOPLE,,,,,,,,I CRY ALL THE TIME,,,FOR DAYS ON END.......I DONT WANT TO LOSE HIM.......HE IS A WONDERFUL AND SWEET AND GIVING DADDY THAT HAS HELPED ME BRING UP MY 3 CHILDREN AS IF THEY WERE HIS OWN. HE IS GENEROUS AND I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN DADDY'SLITTLE GIRL,,,,,,,I MISS HIM SO MUCH,,,,HE IS END STAGE ALZHEIMERS NOW AND I WANT TO SCREAM AND YELL AND HIT THINGS CUZ HE DOES NOT DESERVE THIS.......I FEEL AS IF I CANNOT LIVE THROUGH THIS,,,,,,I AM SELFISH,,,,I WANT HIM TO STAY AND BE WITH US.....WE NEED HIM SO MUCH...I NEED HIM,,,,,,,,,I HAVE JUST NOW STUDIED HIS LIFE AND HIS MTG WITH MYMOM IN AUSTRIA AFTER WW11 AND THEY WERE AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN IN LOVE,,,,,60 YRS TOGETHER....HE USED TO TAKEME TO THE PARK EVERY WKND TO PLAY BALL AND CLIMB TREES,,,,,,THE SAME FOR HIS GRANDCHILDREN,,,,,HE WAS MODEST..........AND TODAY HE REMEMBERS NOTHING MUCH BUT HE KNOWS MY MOTHER IS HIS WIFE........I AM SO SCARED OF WHEN IT HAPPENS,,,,,,,,,,,PLEASE TELL ME HOW DO YOU LIVE THROUGH THIS............SORRY FOR RAMBLING,,,,,,,I GO TO CAREGIVERS MTGS AT THE HOSPICE DOWN HERE WHERE IAM.,,...BUT I REALLY JUST WANT TO BE ALONE MOST DAYS TO THINK AND CRY..............I PRAY.........I RANT,,,,,,,,,,I AM LOST.
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I AM NEW AT SHARING MY FEELINGS ON THIS TOPIC, I WAS LIKE THE OSTRICH...SO FORGIVE ME IF I SEEM TO RAMBLE. I LOST MY HUSBAND IN 1995 AT THE AGE OF 26, I WAS 37. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE OF A LIFE FOR THE NEXT 3 YRS AND THEN I LEFT THE STATE AND STARTED OVER IN ANOTHER ONE. THAT DOES NOT EVEN TOUCH THE SURFACE OF WHAT I DID AND DID NOT DO TO MY LIFE AND MY CHILDREN'S. TODAY I DEAL WITH MY GRIEF. I AM STILL UNMARRIED. HOWEVER, RIGHT NOW AND I CAN BARELY WRITE THESE WORDS...MY FATHER IS DYING......AND I AM DYING SLOWLY ON THE INSIDE,,,,,THIS IS WORSE,,,,,SO MUCH WORSE,,,,I AM NOW OLDER AND TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS, BUT I CANNOT...FIRST I REFUSED TO ACCEPT IT.....I AM LEAVING TOMORROW TO GO TO NY AND HELP MY MOM TAKE CARE OF HIM. HE IS HOME WITH A WONDERFUL HOSPICE TEAM MAKING IT POSSIBLE.....I TALK TO THEM LONG DISTANCE AND AM ON THE PHONE 24/7 WHEN I CANNOT BE THERE IN PERSON. BUT THE HURT AND THE PAIN ...I CANNOT DRESS MYSELF OR SHOWER OR TALK TO PEOPLE,,,,,,,,I CRY ALL THE TIME,,,FOR DAYS ON END.......I DONT WANT TO LOSE HIM.......HE IS A WONDERFUL AND SWEET AND GIVING DADDY THAT HAS HELPED ME BRING UP MY 3 CHILDREN AS IF THEY WERE HIS OWN. HE IS GENEROUS AND I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN DADDY'SLITTLE GIRL,,,,,,,I MISS HIM SO MUCH,,,,HE IS END STAGE ALZHEIMERS NOW AND I WANT TO SCREAM AND YELL AND HIT THINGS CUZ HE DOES NOT DESERVE THIS.......I FEEL AS IF I CANNOT LIVE THROUGH THIS,,,,,,I AM SELFISH,,,,I WANT HIM TO STAY AND BE WITH US.....WE NEED HIM SO MUCH...I NEED HIM,,,,,,,,,I HAVE JUST NOW STUDIED HIS LIFE AND HIS MTG WITH MYMOM IN AUSTRIA AFTER WW11 AND THEY WERE AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN IN LOVE,,,,,60 YRS TOGETHER....HE USED TO TAKEME TO THE PARK EVERY WKND TO PLAY BALL AND CLIMB TREES,,,,,,THE SAME FOR HIS GRANDCHILDREN,,,,,HE WAS MODEST..........AND TODAY HE REMEMBERS NOTHING MUCH BUT HE KNOWS MY MOTHER IS HIS WIFE........I AM SO SCARED OF WHEN IT HAPPENS,,,,,,,,,,,PLEASE TELL ME HOW DO YOU LIVE THROUGH THIS............SORRY FOR RAMBLING,,,,,,,I GO TO CAREGIVERS MTGS AT THE HOSPICE DOWN HERE WHERE IAM.,,...BUT I REALLY JUST WANT TO BE ALONE MOST DAYS TO THINK AND CRY..............I PRAY.........I RANT,,,,,,,,,,I AM LOST.

I want to hug you! I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I couldn't imagine loosing my father. I am a daddy's girl. I did however, loose my husband. January 16th of this year. He too was 26 yrs. old. I struggle with it every day. We have 2 kids together. I tell them that daddy is their angel now. I know it doesn't make it any easier, but when your dad does go, you will have one more angel to watch over you. Oftentimes I want to curl up in a ball and die because of what has happened but had I known how it would all end when i married Brian, I would still do it all over again. I thank god I had the chance to love as much as I did for the time God gave me with him. If I can give you any advise, I would tell you to never regret the road that brought you to where you are. Every experience you have is meant to happen. That doesn't mean you will understand "why." Everybody that you love, you were MEANT to love and what's even harder to understand is that you were meant to be with them for the time god gives you to be with them. You never have to stop loving them though. I tell my kids that dad lives in their hearts now. Brian lives in my heart now. Your dad will live on in your heart, just like I'm sure your husband does. Hold your head high and when you need to cry...CRY, but remember through it all that god loves you. He will be your light in the darkness. I will pray for god to lessen your pain.

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stationapproach

I know this sounds awful, but I really resent it when people say something like: "My grandmother is 76 and she's terminally ill, it isn't fair she's too young to die!" I think: "76 is a good age. She's had 25 years longer on this earth than my mother."

Again, I know it sounds bad to think like this, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.

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allmixedup

I've just read this forum for the first time, and the article on anger and grief on the current home page, and it helps a lot to know that other people go through feelings of anger too. I'm 25 and both of my parents are dead, and I've recently found myself getting really really angry over fairly trivial things. What's confusing me at the moment is that a lot of the way that i'm feeling seems to be covered in the sections under post traumatic stress. I always thought that this referred to people who'd gone through things like bomb explosions or murders. I found my father dying, which obviously was traumatic, but does this mean that i could have ptsd?

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Dear Allmixedup,

I do believe grieving is a form Post traumatic stress...I've said that before about my own experience....I think it probally has to do with the whole experience of how our loved one got sick, hurt, etc. and how the process of all that went...I know I am suffering from that. It was extremely traumatized watching my husband get worse as time went on. I think we grieve as deep as we loved....take one day at a time and take especially good care of yourself...you need to be selfish and that is not a bad thing...

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I am in the process of losing my husband (45 y/o - cancer). My husband I have been married not quite 18 years.

I am a fairly private person, and I find I am having a difficult time dealing with all of the well-meaning people who want to help us. As a married couple, we rarely entertain or invite people to our house.

Right now I just want to be alone, and I feel resentment and anger that I no longer have control over my life.

For example, we have people dropping by our house, calling constantly, and wanting to take us out. We have people who mow our lawn and pull our weeds. Yes, I know these are wonderful things because these people truly care, but I find I want to be by myself and do these chores myself. I want to mow my own lawn and pull my own weeds--or let them grow--and I don't know how to tell these people "no" without hurting their feelings.

A similar issue: After initially telling relatives from out of state on my side of the family that they could visit us, I called them back to tell them not to come. I was honest and told them I was stressed. Of course, they were angry and hurt. One of these individuals has never met my husband and the other relative had only met him twice. However, all of the tension related to their visit was gone as soon as I knew they weren't coming.

I find myself complaining to my husband about all of the people suddenly in our life--even hospice--and there is nothing he can do about it, nor does he understand my reaction. Is it normal to want to be by yourself and continue normal activities for as long as possible?

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Dear Coralvine,

Yes, I do understand how you feel about being alone. We were also very private people and when my husband got sick it seemed everyone knew all of our businesss and that was extremely difficult for me. Since my husband has passed I prefer to be alone mostly so I can grieve my own way and in my own time. People seem to have funny ways about them. Everyone and their brother were there for the funeral but I haven't seen hide nor tail of any of them since? I wonder if everyone just thinks I needed them when he was sick. I learned early on that I would have to handle things alone and raise my kids...I did make a decision early on to only do what was right for me and them and not please others as no-one would know how I felt unless they lost a loved one. I have to do everything my way and not do things to please others...I am sorry that things are so rough right now for you...I think people feel helpless and will try and do these things to feel better and to let you know they care and I think they are scared because it hit close to home and they are damn glad it didn't happen to them. I will keep you and your husband/family in my prayers.

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coralvine, hello. heather here. i do not know where you and your husband are in his sickness. i am assuming since hospice is there that he is now unable to do the things he used to. if that is the case, you have the option of requesting from hospice that the amount of time the care takers are there be reduced until further help is needed. that is always something that you/he can control. just explain that you/he are not ready/comfortable with that amount of help at this point. you can even ask for only a volunteer to come.......maybe to read to him or help with his laundry/dishes/errands. ect. they SHOULD be respectful/accepting to your requests. as for family and friends visiting and helping out, i'm sure they mean well. but just explain to them that you appreciate everything they are doing. and you would like to have them help you a little less at this time and maybe a little more later on. tell them that you will call on them. tell them you feel better spending more time in private with your husband. i'm not sure that complaining to your husband is giving you the "satisfaction" that you need. complain to US. we are here to help and to listen. your husband probably has so many things going thru his mind ......just like you. it is alot for someone to make sence of. spend quality time with you husband. enjoy your time together. resentment and anger are normal. work thru those feelings. express them and get them out and you will move on to the next set of emotions. we all do this. just don't get stuck in one place. my situation was different from your because NO ONE, NO ONE, was willing to help me and my mom when she was dieing. at the time that i was helping to take care of my mom, my dad's 2 sisters were living with my parents. his sisters were both mentally and physically challenged. plus i had my 2 kids with me (ages 3 and 1 at the time). i called family and friends.......NO was the answer. i called EVERY church in our area........NO was the answer. my husband was of NO help with anything, even OUR kids. so, here i was WANTING help and NEVER got ANY. i am only saying my story to you to let you know that everyone goes thru all of the emotions/feeling over and over again. and our experiences/situations are different, yet the same. please keep posting here if it helps you. i know it helps me. i wish you the best. heather

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allmixedup

Thanks Lauraa it helps to know that other people feel the same way. I thought that I was being selfish comparing myself to people who've been through a majorly traumatic incident - i suppose that telling myself that i haven't has been one way of dealing with the pain and shock. It's been a long time, and i think i'm only realising the depth of my loss now. Thank you so much for replying.

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Dear Allmixedup,

It is Post Traumatic Stress when the love of your life is slipping away...it is not easy and extremely traumatic. Spend every bit of time you can with your husband. I know for me things got really overwhelming in the end with lots of people, equipment, etc. that it interfered with the two of us being able to communicate like we would have wanted but I know in my heart that he knew our love was endless and unmeasurable....Keep strong and stay together the way you both wish and you will never regret anything.....hold him and just let him know you are there...sometimes there are no words that need to be spoken when souls are together. I hope hope this helps in any way. I will keep you in my heart and pray for you both.

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madamystic

I JUST ARRIVED BACK HOME FROM MY TRIP TO NY VISITING WITH MY DAD WHO IS TERMINALLY ILL,,,,,,I WANT TO THANK TWIGGY AND HOPEFUL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR ANSWERING THE THOUGHTS I SHARED BEFORE I LEFT. SPENDING TIME WITH DAD WAS A TREASURE,,,,,,WATCHING MY 81 YR OLD MOM TAKING CARE OF HIM AND LOVING HIM AND HE WITH HIS LIMITED MEMORY KNOWING HER AND LOVING HER IN RETURN IS A GIFT THAT I AM ETERNALLY GRATEFUL TO HAVE. I DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH TIME IS LEFT...A DAY, WEEK, MONTH?????? BUT I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE THAT HE IS REALLY LEAVING THIS WORLD,,,,,,I CONVINCED MYSELF THAT BEING BEDRIDDEN IS NORMAL, ......AND THE WHOLE SCENARIO OF MEDS, HOSPICE ETC. THAT THOSE THINGS ARE NORMAL ........I KNOW I AM STILL IN DENIAL EVEN NOW. I HAVE NOT SLEPT IN THE TWO NIGHTS I HAVE BEEN BACK,,,,,,I AM KINDA NUMB TONIGHT......,,,,,I DO RECALL AND TRY TO JOT DOWN,TO REALLY REMEMBER EVERY INSTANCE OF HOW MY PARENTS MET...IT WAS ROMANTIC...DAD WAS AN AMERICAN SOLDIER OCCUPPYING AUSTRIA AFTER THE WAR AND MOM WAS A CIVILIAN WORKER,,,,,,THEY MET IN THE WORST OF TIMES AND FOUGHT FOR THEIR LOVE......I LISTENED TO OLD RECORDS OF THEM SINGIN TO EACH OTHER IN 1948,,,,,,HOW I CRIED,,,,,,,THEY EVEN TANGO'D TOGETHER,,,,,,,I DON'T KNOW HOW I WILL DO THIS WHEN THE TIME COMES.......I THOUGHT I WAS ALL GROWN UP,,,,LIVING THRU THE DEATH OF A HUSBAND IN 95 WAS THE END OF SOMETHING,,,,,BUT THIS LOSS FEELS LIKE THE END OF MY LIFE,,,,THE END OF WHO I AM,,,,THE 4-EVER LOVE I DEPEND ON FROM DAD WILL BE GONE AND MOM WILL BE LOST WITHOUT HIM,,,,,,SHE IS STRONGER THAN I COULD EVER HOPE TO BE,,,THE LOOK IN HER EYES AS SHE TALKS TO HIM AND CARES FOR HIM AS IF HE IS A CHERISHED NEWBORN IS TOO MUCH TO CARRY,,,,,,,,I WANT TO TAKE HER HURT AWAY TOO,,,,,I CANNOT IMAGINE,,,,,,,

WELL THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR KIND WORDS,,,,,,,,,,I WISH ALL OF YOU THE STRENGH THAT I, TOO AM LOOKING FOR,,,,,,,,GOD BLESS AND GUIDE US ALL........

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Hello Everyone,

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for all of your losses. I have been thru so much myself so I completely understand how you all feel. I found a wonderful website I thought would help. www.bestpsychicmediums.com I found it to have alot of information that helped me. After I lost both parents and my husband in a 6 month span I found that I needed to know where they were and if they are alright...it has been a spiritual journey for me and not far off from my original beliefs either...it has helped me tremendously. I found a wonderful medium for has helped me with a reading and has called to minister to me which I found very unique and special. This has led me to a Spiritualist Church which I also find comforting when I go and actually when I do go I feel as if my beloved husband is calling me to come there and while I am there I always get a reading....I meditate there and the songs are so special and that helps for the spirit of our loved ones to come close to us.....I would suggest you look up that web site..as I found it to be a great thing...Everyone I have talked with that was affiliated with any of this was extremely nice and helpful. I am so sorry for all your losses...thought maybe it would help.

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It doesn't sound bad - it's the way you feel right now. It's okay to let that out, better now during the grieving process, right? I have one better in regards to anger issues...I'm 28 now and I lost my younger brother, age 23, in 2003 and just lost my dad, age 52, two weeks ago. I'm a very private person and had to grow up quickly, so I tend to beat myself (and others) up. For example, I haven't cried much or in front of anyone other than my best friend and husband. They both tell me I'm still in shock, which may very well be true. Regardless, I can't help but feel sorry for myself too. Like, Why ME? I'm a good person and have come a long way from how I was raised, and this is my reward? For god to rip out 2/3's of my heart? What about the murderers, rapists, etc? Where is the justice - I feel there is none. Wow - well, you can tell by my little rampage that you're not alone with your anger/depression. I also have a lot of anger when I see people who weren't close to my deceased family members, crying over the loss. I feel that if I can handle it without tears in public, then the person that never really knew my family should stop crying as well. My husband tells me that is wrong and I shouldn't hold anyone under this microscope, especially myself. Of course, you're always hardest on yourself, aren't you?

Anyway, I understand what you and others are going through and I will continue to review and post on the forum.

Thanks for allowing me to get this out..

Nic

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It doesn't sound bad - it\\\\\\\'s the way you feel right now. It\\\\\\\'s okay to let that out, better now during the grieving process, right? I have one better in regards to anger issues...I\\\\\\\'m 28 now and I lost my younger brother, age 23, in 2003 and just lost my dad, age 52, two weeks ago. I\\\\\\\'m a very private person and had to grow up quickly, so I tend to beat myself (and others) up. For example, I haven\\\\\\\'t cried much or in front of anyone other than my best friend and husband. They both tell me I\\\\\\\'m still in shock, which may very well be true. Regardless, I can\\\\\\\'t help but feel sorry for myself too. Like, Why ME? I\\\\\\\'m a good person and have come a long way from how I was raised, and this is my reward? For god to rip out 2/3\\\\\\\'s of my heart? What about the murderers, rapists, etc? Where is the justice - I feel there is none. Wow - well, you can tell by my little rampage that you\\\\\\\'re not alone with your anger/depression. I also have a lot of anger when I see people who weren\\\\\\\'t close to my deceased family members, crying over the loss. I feel that if I can handle it without tears in public, then the person that never really knew my family should stop crying as well. My husband tells me that is wrong and I shouldn\\\\\\\'t hold anyone under this microscope, especially myself. Of course, you\\\\\\\'re always hardest on yourself, aren\\\\\\\'t you?

Anyway, I understand what you and others are going through and I will continue to review and post on the forum.

Thanks for allowing me to get this out..

Nic

Sasha76

I sure hear you, about feeling like this is your reward for coming so far from how you were raised! I\\\\\\\'ve been told throughout my life that no one can believe I come from the same family as I came from...a family full of anger, so it\\\\\\\'s a natural response for me for life\\\\\\\'s challenges. My multiple losses were just over a year ago, and I still experience much anger, mainly towards my remaining brother, who has shown himself to be as \\\\\\\'evil\\\\\\\' as our father was (father has dementia, so is alive but now placid). My Mother (1st loss) was the only one in my family I was close to, despite our dysfunctions, and I still rage that she was the first one to go, not my father, or this \\\\\\\'evil\\\\\\\' brother. No, it was our oldest brother who died instead, only 2 months after our Mother, and he, at least, acknowledged my place in the family, which the last one doesn\\\\\\\'t. I\\\\\\\'ve lost both roles in an instant - daughter and sister. I was the the only child to keep in touch with our Mother (I don\\\\\\\'t live where the rest of them do/did) and the only one who cared about her. Talk about feeling like the Universe is set up all wrong and is unfair to say the least! I don\\\\\\\'t feel like waiting maybe years to discover there was a good reason for all this tragedy to unfold the way it has. I\\\\\\\'ve run out of patience right now with the Universe! I also have a heightened response to injustice (apparently quite common in people from dyfunctional backgrounds, by the way) and just...can\\\\\\\'t...STAND...to see it happen. It has always seemed like the 2 females in my family had to fight for our rights and now I\\\\\\\'m the only one left and have LOST all my rights due to the bungling from my brother and father. Am I enraged?! You BET!! Maybe I\\\\\\\'m the only one out here who thinks this way, but I won\\\\\\\'t apologize for it, either! I think I have every RIGHT to be angry, for the way my family handled themselves, what they did to me and my Mom, and also to all the supposed friends who abandoned me when I needed someone to stand beside me in my pain and grief.

As for crying or not, (don\\\\\\\'t shoot me!), I AM an easy crier, very sensitive, but I\\\\\\\'ve found a recent bonus in this. I\\\\\\\'ve been the one a newer friend has appreciated the most out of all her other family and friends, as I\\\\\\\'m the one who has allowed her and encouraged her to cry whenever the mood struck (she just lost her dad), and have often joined her. It has become a deep way to share our various pains, freeing both of us to be naked selves without fear of reproach. Perhaps the people who cry, though they weren\\\\\\\'t close, are simply reacting to your loss because they\\\\\\\'ve had their OWN and so respond, just like actors do for scenes requiring tears, by accessing their feelings about their own losses? As for yourself, you don\\\\\\\'t HAVE to cry alot if that\\\\\\\'s not the way you classicly react. Everyone grieves in their own ways...although yes, of course you\\\\\\\'re probably still in shock. I was in shock (though I had shock AFTER shock to deal with, and still do) for a LONG time after my Mother died, made longer and more complicated by the things my family did. But a few weeks isn\\\\\\\'t very long by any standards. I won\\\\\\\'t tell you to necessarily be easier on yourself, as I, too, understand well the self-critisism, but it might help to at least allow yourself to be HOWEVER you are going to be/feel for at least the first year. If you can give yourself that permission, even if you feel a little selfish about it, it may go a long way towards your healing in the grief process. I still have to nurture myself this way, and catch myself judging myself very often, because society doesn\\\\\\\'t ACCEPT that grieving can take a long, long time - longer than is CONVENTIENT for many. HA! Even THIS makes me angry! Hope to hear more from you, as it was a delight to hear someone ELSE (for a change) feeling like I do!! (to whoever mans this site, everytime you edit a post before submitting, all these silly backslashes appear in the text....so it's not MY fault! It makes for a really annoying read.)

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On Memorial Day, I decided to pop into the office to get caught up on some over due projects. I noted I had received an email from my half brother who lives in Connecticut. I hadn't seen him in years and I barely knew him. After 3 full paragraphs of pleasantries, he informed me that my father had died on May 12th. This was the first news I had of my father in 15 years.

My mother and father separated when I was 3 years old and I did not see my father until I was 10 or 11 years old. This was probably more the result of my mother than my father. When we reunited he was a doting father, as I was his only daughter in a household of boys. Despite the fact that he only lived 3 hours from my home, he would only call once or twice a year. My visits throughout the rest of my childhood were primarily limited to very two or three years, for a few weeks in the Summer. He never paid child support or offered any support either--although he was generous with his step children and other children in the community (little league coach etc). In total, I probably saw him 5 or 6 times until I graduated high school. Once I turned 18, I tried to keep in contact with him, but each contact was initiated by me. Of course, he was the doting father when I would travel to visit him. When I was 21 I moved to Florida. I was becoming very angry with him because he did not keep in touch as I wanted. I decided to ignore him. I did not invite him to my wedding. I did not tell him about the birth of my child. Eventually, I reunited with him and spent a month with him and his new family when I was under stress for a divorce. I was 27 and my son was 3 years old. We became very close and I thought we had resolved our issues. I had a heart to heart talk with him and told him I needed him, loved him, but he had to keep in touch with me and be a regular presence--even if only by phone. He apologized for not being there for me and promised to be in my life. Of course, I had to initiate the calls and he only spoke of his problems. He always acted like he was happy to hear from me but he never called me. I constantly invited him to Florida to visit. I did not let him know how upset I was that he had taken vacations to Florida without contacting me.

Eventually, I stopped calling him. Five years later he contacted me out of the blue to let me know he was in Florida. His son was attending college in Daytona. Although his son had only been down in Florida for one full semester and recently been home for Christmas break, my father missed him so much that he came down to visit him. Despite the fact that I was hurt that he could never visit me and I had lived in Florida for 12 years, I invited him to my home. He was the doting, affectionate father as before. He lavished attention on my son. He hugged me, but I was distant and becoming increasingly angry each day he was with me. He continually discussed his regrets in not being my father. He blamed my mother for keeping me away from him and stated that he was devasted when she took me from him when I was a "child". I literally lost it and screamed and yelled and cried. I told him that I was only 10 years old and still a kid when he was reunited with me. I told him that I turned 18 years old more than 15 years ago. I told him that it was too late and that he had been a terrible father. He started to cry. The next morning when I woke up, he was gone and I never heard anything from him again. No letters, no cards --nothing until I was emailed about his death. I was his first born. His only daughter. I had to find his obituary on the Internet. My name was even misspelled. The newest step children and their spouses were given ample type space. Even friends of my father were mentioned. Just as I was in his life, I was a mere after thought in his death. When I found the memorial site for condolences about how wonderful he was and the pictures of him playing "father" to everyone else's daughters I literally became physically ill.

I do not understand my emotions. I was fine not having him in my life. I really had accepted it. However, I did try and find him on the Internet all the time, but I would not admit it to anyone. I wanted him to know that I had become an attorney.

My emotions are like a roller coaster. I am fine most of the time, then I sob then I am angry and then I hate him. If one more person tells me to write a letter to him and then burn it, I will scream. There is no "fix" for this. He is dead and gone and there will never ever be a resolution. I feel like a complete fool writing this, but I am losing control of my emotions and I cannot afford to be emotional with my responsibilities. Short of the writing daddy a letter thing...any suggestions? I think this will pass in a few days as my life really isn't different since he was not a presence. I am more angry at myself for feeling like this since he really was a stranger to me.

Thanks for reading...

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Dear Tamora,

Your richly detailed story has struck a deep chord in me. Although the details of our stories are different, the feelings we are left with about our fathers are very similar. I had little to do with my own father in later life, too, although for me, it was MY choice as he was/is a terrible man overall. What we seem to have in common, though, are the awful feelings of abandonment, betrayal and lack of acknowledgement of our very existences. Does this sound right? I know what you mean about not being able to 'fix' it just by writing a da** letter. Although it may help in some ways, that alone is NOT gonna do it, is it? It sounds like we're both still grieving for what we wanted, what we deserved as innocent children, but never got. Our father's love and support, and acknowledgement of ourselves as his daughter....something we shouldn't have had to beg for. I've been told before (and read) that I need to REALLY sit down and grieve what I was denied, and letter-writing is one way to get the juices going, but I remain puzzled. I've cried over this lack for many years, on and off, and that didn't remove my anger about it. The issue is raising its ugly head again for me now, as my father has severe dementia and is slowly rotting in a home. Unlike yours, he didn't have another network of friends and family. So I know he'll be dead in awhile. I have no desire to see him because even that wouldn't fix anything between us - he's no longer 'there' already. These feeling run VERY deep in me still, I hate having to have them, but must live with them until someone finds a method to relieve them.

I had ALMOST come to 'forgive' him a few years back, using different kinds of thoughts about him to spur this in myself. But, when I actually attempted to try something more mature and caring, the results were a repeat of the kind of abusive behaviour I'd come to expect from him, and I simply REstarted hating him all over again.

I'm terribly sorry neither one of us has immediate answers for each other, but I can't tell you how welcome it is to me to hear about someone else who DIDN'T have a wonderful, loving father, because I've barely ever heard anyone speak ill of their own father throughout my life, so I usually feel like an alien in a room full of people who look similar but have nothing else in common. However, I suspect that your feelings about your father won't just disappear for you if they're not resolved in some way, just becaue he wasn't in your daily life. Neither was mine and that hasn't worked. This probably isn't what you want to hear and I understand that, too, believe me. Why be angry at YOURSELF for feeling a normal reaction to abandonment? I think it's only society's usually negative and horrified reaction to 'daring' to hate a parent that makes us feel so bad, guilty, worthless, etc. Why would we feel any different when the person who helped bring you into your existence on earth treated you so poorly, couldn't be counted on, didn't support you as a parent ought to? We were both ROBBED of things we should have received as children, and there's no easy 'fix' for that. There's probably only an understanding of some sort that we have to come to over time and effort, that will not change what happened but that will make it easier for us to live with our feelings and thereby soften them into more acceptance of another's failings.

I hope this sharing will help in some small way to ease your lonely, but not ALONE burden.

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Tamora,

Sorry, I forgot to mention that I, too, had my name misspelled in an obituary - although it was my brother's, not my Mother's (I wrote hers myself, alone). My 'sister-in-law' (common-law and never physically met) spelled it wrong even though she had my Mother's obit. RIGHT THERE, from only 2 months prior to my Mother's death. I DID confront her about it on the phone, and she said it was just a mistake, but I still believe it shows great disrespect to not check these kinds of things out and get it straight! I had made a point of checking the spelling of HER name when I wrote my Mother's obit. And what can you do? It's DONE, and can never be changed now. Although she did apologize, this was just another omission in a LONG list of unackowledgements surrounding my 2 family members' deaths, and happenings afterwards, too. I almost wonder if these mistakes are more common than most of us know about? Knowing THAT would help somewhat, although not entirely. So you're not alone in that, either.

Swede1

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tdubslilsis14
Tamora,

Sorry, I forgot to mention that I, too, had my name misspelled in an obituary - although it was my brother's, not my Mother's (I wrote hers myself, alone). My 'sister-in-law' (common-law and never physically met) spelled it wrong even though she had my Mother's obit. RIGHT THERE, from only 2 months prior to my Mother's death. I DID confront her about it on the phone, and she said it was just a mistake, but I still believe it shows great disrespect to not check these kinds of things out and get it straight! I had made a point of checking the spelling of HER name when I wrote my Mother's obit. And what can you do? It's DONE, and can never be changed now. Although she did apologize, this was just another omission in a LONG list of unackowledgements surrounding my 2 family members' deaths, and happenings afterwards, too. I almost wonder if these mistakes are more common than most of us know about? Knowing THAT would help somewhat, although not entirely. So you're not alone in that, either.

Swede1

I wrote these poems when my older brother died in November, 2004.

"Just a Little While"

Crystal blue eyes

big goofy smile

We only got to know you

just a little while

You left us many memories

of times we shared together

I was your little sister

and you were my older brother

Maybe one day

I will be with you once again

but for now you are an angel

Shining down on us from Heaven

I will always remember

those crystal blue eyes

and that big goofy smile

Even if you were only here

just a little while

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Danielle"

Holding in those tears at night

not once letting them into site

Bottling them up all inside

she finally told me

It was "ok" to cry

She held me close

not once letting go

Told me she'd always be there

As I looked up

a tear ran down her cheek

In a quiet whisper she said to me

"Just as he was your older brother,

I will forever be your older sister"

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Hi Tamora -

This is my first time posting to this site. Please disregard the following if it does not fit you. Like you I did not see my father for years before his death. I felt anger and frustration that our "problem" relationship would never be resolved. The whole letter thing, people suggest it because they think that it will get all of the anger and disappointment out, but it never worked for me. The only thing that did work was realizing that it wasn't me, it was him and then forgiving him. Unlike your father, mine didn't have the ability to be a father in any sense of the word. He was too wrapped up in his own pain. The last time I heard his voice, was when he called me to ask me for money. I was 19 years old. He died when I was 24 years old. The process for me was long but as I said, it made all the difference when I came to that realization. As I have gotten older, I have tried to figure out what I learned from that situation. I guess it was that I can survive very difficult circumstances (as you have). The term "family" is not the people you are related to by blood (they can be but it is also those friends and others who act as your support system). If people who aren't physically related to me can act like family is supposed to, I must be a decent human being, otherwise they would not do that. And finally that my father was limited by the barriers he put up. It sounds like your dad could not deal with conflict or anything that required him to be proactive. That was his limitation, not yours. From your post it sounds like you gave him every chance to be a good father. My belief system allows me to talk to my father, should I so desire, that he will hear what I have to say to him. After I forgave him, the reasons disappeared and I only occasionally feel the need to do so. My living son looks just like he did as a teen and so I feel the need to ask him to protect my son from some of the problems he had in life. Your anger and frustration are justfied - I hope both find their way out and you are left with peace. This website offers a spot to vent anytime you need to.

Coltinsmom

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I don't recall writing on this thread before, but for some reason I stepped in here. I hang out with a few people elsewhere on the site, where I've built friendships that help with this journey.

ColtinsMom, It seems there are a few of us who didn't have much for parents while we were growing up. I can't say much on that, after going through all types of abuse, including being forced into a situation that made me a father when I was thirteen. I've even been shot by members of my own family. But, we survive, and teach our children to live better than those who did such things. It effects the way we grieve dramatically. When a child dies, I'm a wreck, even if that child is just one from our community. When a family member dies, I'm as cold as ice, with no feelings at all. A failure on the part of our parents has changed our perceptions of grief and loss forever.

Tamora, you did everything you possibly could to build / rebuild a relationship with your father. He made a choice to segregate you from his life, and he is the one who paid the highest price. He never got to know what a wonderful person you are. You feel a real pain and real loss not only by his death, but by his life. Please receive my heartfelt sympathy for you. You are in this process of grief, and it's a path only you can decide how to walk. Be proud of yourself, and of all you have accomplished. You are the one who accomplished the attempt to have the relationship with your father. Be proud of who you are.

I'll pray for you both while you journey on through this grief. Thanks for listening to another who was "there."

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I know this sounds awful, but I really resent it when people say something like: "My grandmother is 76 and she's terminally ill, it isn't fair she's too young to die!" I think: "76 is a good age. She's had 25 years longer on this earth than my mother."

Again, I know it sounds bad to think like this, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I totally agree with you! At my mom's memorial service people kept telling me about how they recently lost their mom or dad, but they must have been in their 70s, 80s or even 90s. My mom was only 59. Another thing that makes me angry is when people keep saying "you're going to grieve for a long time" or "just wait for the holidays" I don't know if they're trying to help or not, but it's so rude and makes me anxious. I have never been an angry person or one who irritates easily, but I find myself getting mad a lot lately.

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I know this sounds awful, but I really resent it when people say something like: "My grandmother is 76 and she's terminally ill, it isn't fair she's too young to die!" I think: "76 is a good age. She's had 25 years longer on this earth than my mother."

Again, I know it sounds bad to think like this, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I think everyone thinks that. My Dad just died at the age of 72 and I look at people in their 80's with anger.....why do they get to live longer? I'm sure it's worse the younger they are.

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I totally agree with you! At my mom's memorial service people kept telling me about how they recently lost their mom or dad, but they must have been in their 70s, 80s or even 90s. My mom was only 59. Another thing that makes me angry is when people keep saying "you're going to grieve for a long time" or "just wait for the holidays" I don't know if they're trying to help or not, but it's so rude and makes me anxious. I have never been an angry person or one who irritates easily, but I find myself getting mad a lot lately.>>

I feel the same way. People said things like that to my Mom and it bugged the crap out of her. Not everyone is the same, let people find out for themselves what it's going to be like without you imposing your "grieving criteria" on everyone.

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butterfly10954

This is a hard post for me... I've posted elsewhere in this site about my dad's death on July 4th. What I have never mentioned until now, and something I have been avoiding thinking about, is my anger at my mother for the way she treated my dad during his life. Although she obviously loved him very much - they would have been together 50 years this Oct. - she didn't really know how to show it. I mean she was just plain mean to him. She has always been a difficult person to get along with, and is very controlling. It is "all about her, always" which, sadly, is the last thing I remember my dad saying to my mom on 4th of July. Even though she knew he wasn't feeling well, she kept hounding him about stuff. And it's been this way our whole lives, my mom never allowing him to have a moment of fun. I may be exaggerating a little here, but he was just the best man, father, husband and grandfather in the world. He was the kindest, sweetest man, and she sometimes treated him like ****.

I am very very angry about this, and for this reason have found it hard to move on with this process, as well as hard to comfort my mother...I'm really sad right now, so I have to close.. Cindy

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I had the police come to my door after I had already checked on Bob sleeping in the guest room (he often did this if I had to work in the morning) My Bob of almost 16 years was not in that bedroom. I went back to OUR room, told the boys (our dogs) that I hoped Bob was out having an affair and not an accident. Bob never cheated on me.

My life was put into a spin that has not stopped. I had argued with Bob about getting another Harley for the past couple years. I had convinced him to get rid of the one we had; telling him he could get a brand new truck. He got the truck ...nice truck, looked good , sounded good. Then ....he started back that he needed a bike. Not a new bike, not even a harley. Just something to ride to save on gas, (liar) He was a pain in my butt till I quit arguing with him. I was tired of fighting. I shut up. HE bought a brand new Harley!!! I lost the war and I lost Bob.

He was less than 5 minutes away from home when a man that had a couple drinks decided to make a U turn across all lanes and Bob hit the passenger door of his truck, totaled the truck, bike and his own body.

Strange things happened that nite...(explain later maybe) Anyway Bob stayed alive till our daughter and his sons could be there to say good bye. Once Holly (our daughter) got to the hospital (she lives in another town..90 min away) she made it in 40. The nurse was honest with me . Told me there was no brain activity. I will never forget the horrible feelings I had. I had to pray for Bob to die. It was now my job to make sure HE was okay. I had to make sure we were ok. I could not let his sons have any hope that there was ANY hope. That fricken killed me, it still does. I was the one that shared his life, I was the one that he was sure that had love for him. Now there is NOTHING

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junecleaver42

Hi, I posted on another part of this board yesterday and then tonight. I really need to get this off my chest. It has been four weeks and one day since i lost my lover, best friend and soulmate.We were married for 24 years, I was 18 he was 22. I am very angry with my older brother and I have chosen not to speak to him for a bit. My brother told me that I need to get out there and meet people. He had actually said this two weeks ago to me but I dismissed it then, now I found out that my brother had told his wife that I need to join a singles group for divorced and widowed people!!! Like I am going to all of a sudden find someone else to replace my dear Ed!! During a heated argument with my brother I screamed at him that he doesnt know what I am going through, his response to me was "yes I do" I then replied that divorce is not the same as death....he is divorced once and remarried. He then replied that it is the same. HOW DARE HE COMPARE HIS FAILED MARRIAGE TO MY STRONG LONG MARRIAGE TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!! I want to thank everyone for letting me say this. Carol

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Dear junecleaver42,

I'm one of the ones on the other board you've been posting to. I want to thank you for ranting about this here, because too often I've felt that people have avoided me or run away (not so much from these boards, but certainly locally and distance-wise) when I've expressed anger at things they or other people have done, or not done. I'm not going to try to justify what your brother said to you, partly because I agree that it was a stupid thing to say and also because no one can, or should dare, tell you they know exactly how you feel. No one can, only you, and if people don't want to acknowledge how you feel when you expressly tell them, that's their problem and it doesn't make them right in any way, shape or form. I've also been divorced, and from my experience, although it feels sort of like a death, I found (later, with losses to death) that it isn't on quite the same level because you may still be able to see this person again, whether you want to or not! ;-) Also, to expect you to get out dating after only a short time is absolutely ridiculous. It sounds to me more like your brother just isn't capable, or wanting to, face YOUR feelings, for whatever reason, and so is hoping you'll just...."move on" (wince). I don't blame you one ounce for being so angry.....been there more times than not this past year, too. If you don't want to subject yourself to his stuff, that's fine and is a mark of self-care, strength and self-integrity, and I hope no one has the audacity to tell you otherwise cuz that's YOUR decision to make FOR yourself. I feel as sorry for you as I do for myself, with people saying the most dreadful things after a loss. My brother's partner had said to me, after I lost my Mother (her in-law, obviously) that is was "...incredibly self-indulgent..." of me to be feeling such grief over my Mother's death....all because she wasn't a spring chicken! I won't say what I fantasize about doing to these kinds of people, but I'm sure you can well imagine yourself! :-o

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junecleaver42

swede1, I had to chuckle at that last sentence!! I know exactly what you meant by the fantacy of dreadful mean things i think sometimes. I feel bad about it but i also know it is normal. thank you so much for your understanding and caring enough to explain your situation to me, it helps so much to hear how other people are also feeling this pain!! it also helps that you reaffirm my feelings that the loss of divorce and death are two different losses and he overstepped his bounds on certain things. yes i feel it is a positive step to be able to walk away from stressful situations and give it a rest, even if it means walking away from my brother for a month or so. personally i think he has much soul searching to do himself. he is a control freak and was physically abusive to his first wife.....it explains him somewhat, its not an excuse because i cant and wont condone that kind of behavoir. but at least now you get an idea of what he is like and why he said it. i just had to make it clear to him that he is not in charge of me nor will i allow him to dictate to me what he thinks i should be doing. ;-) take care, its 9pm here now and i just finished most of the thank you cards. some people obviously think i am either a genius or pyschic, they signed their names with no address or city or state and some....well....if you want to call it signing a name.... lol ( not sure you know what lol means, just means laughin out loud) thanks swede1 for yoru support and understanding, carol oh ps. i view divorce as a choice, death is not a choice, that is what i told him, he had no response, just walked away from me. (shrug) talk tomorrow.

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Junecleaver42,

Now you've got ME chuckling...I'd go for BOTH psychic and genius!LOL! Oh well...at least they knew YOUR address, so you'd get them!

Yes, I know all about control freaks, as all of my family fit into that category, so I kind of guessed that anyway. That's the same bottom-line reason my remaining brother has taken everything for himself. He had told our now-deceased brother just months earlier that he didn't care about anything or any of us, because in the end,"I'll get it all anyway." He knew just what he was doing, all the while lying to me when we finally spoke again after our brother's death. I'm so mad at him, I hope it's occured to him that he might have had a contributing factor in the stress, and then massive stroke of our brother's, ie, a hand in his very death. I know my brother was very upset when he was heard how callous our other brother was being, and his wife even laughed at him, saying he was being "too sensitive". When I heard that, after he'd passed away so suddenly, I got chills....not just because of these 2 evil people (sis-in-law and bro.) but also because I realized, after all these years apart, me and my eldest brother not only looked alike, but were, deep down, alike inside, and I hadn't known this very important factor all these years. I'm very sensitive, too, but we each displayed this very differently. It turns out, we must have both been afraid of the same kinds of things. I suddenly felt such empathy for him, despite the horrible things he'd done to people in his life (he also attacked one of his 3 wives, trashed another's apartment when she left him, and other such stuff). He was likely hurting as badly as I am from our family background. And now he was dead and I couldn't, in the physical realm, try to access that part of him from a new understanding. (that's why the support I've felt from him since, as I spoke of in the ADC's forum, was so important to me) His violence, though not directed at me, was one of a few reasons I ended up stopping all contact with my family for many years (except my Mom, who I recontacted after only a few months - different reasons there)I HAD to do this, for my sanity, and I can't really regret it now. I just wish I'd picked up on a few more things from my deceased brother before it was 'too late'.

As for divorce, I also realized after I posted that as you said, it's more of a choice..although it depends if you get LEFT vs. leaving or if it's a mutual decision. I think the overriding feeling though, is that, like death, you've lost all your dreams. And it changes everything as well, just not so permanently. I know I used to be glad that at least my ex wasn't dead because I recognized that that would have been even worse. I guess your brother can't even imagine (and is maybe even jealous?) a marriage/relationship that was so deep and strong, as you must have had with your husband. Jealousy can push people to want others to suffer as they do, as can many other emotions.

Time to get to work now...I've been procrastinating about doing all the dreaded tasks, like getting things in order for the potential lawyer to contest my father's Will when the time comes. Another thing I'd rather not do, but must at least look into further before deciding whether to just walk away or fight for my rights.....sigh....the story of my life.

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