Anger and Depression

[annietina220]

ktaylor,

How awful. I am so sorry for all you are going through. My best

friend Tina's Dad Steven Ayer died not too long after she did and his ashes are still being held by

the funeral home because her family doesn't have the money. What a sick world

we live in!

Love,

Annie

ktaylor:

First, I am so very sorry you're Mother died. My Mother has been gone five months. Having to deal with your grief over her passing is hard enough, without what you've further experienced. Everybody is out for a buck. Not many caring people really left. My situation didn't go quite as far as yours, but my Mother's Body was held "hostage" until My husband paid not only my share of her funeral expenses, but two of my older, dead beat brothers parts as well. It was a nightmare, to say the least. I felt like I was in a Twighlight Zone movie. I don't really know what to tell you as far as attorneys go, but I do have one suggestion..... The Press. The public eye. Contact a newspaper reporter and see if they will help you get started in the right direction. It's more than likely others have received the same poor, noncaring service from this same business. Numbers always gets more attention.

Sorry again for your pain and heartache these cruel people have put on you.

[annietina220]

Please bear with me here.

I need to get things out of my system. We have now reached the 3 year mark since

The Station Nightclub burned down to the ground tking my

Tina away along with 99 other wonderful souls in THE GREAT WHITE FIRE!

People say it gets better with time?

Oh really?

Really?

I don\'t think time heals anything, at least not for me.

I wake with the fact each day that I can\'t pick up my cell

and call Tina or bump into her at a karaoke or drop by her

apartment to talk and to hang out or to see her sing

background vocals with the band and to do some dancing.

Not to mention, the wedding where she was going to be my

maid of honor,having her do my hair, dressing me and

calming me. That died along with Tina.

I know it\'s been 3 years but DAMN IT I still feel as

robbed and cheated as when it happened and I found out

that I lost my best friend in the entire world who was

the only \"family\" I had left.

You know what else?

I am so DAMN sick and tired of having to go face to face

each day with \"The Get Over It and Move on Choir\"

Tell me, how the ________ can I get over the fact that

I lost a would have been 19 friendship and bond?

I am DAMN sick and tired of having to sugarcoat and put

a happy face on this whole thing or her death and how she died!!!!!!!!!

They all want me to smile like an idiot, that's how I take it.

Why is it that people are offended or put off by

the mere mention of Tina?

I should be able to mention her as much as I need to.

Isn\'t that a DAMN step in the healing process?

What? I am not allowed to grieve?

What? Is there are DAMN time limit on grief that

I don\'t know about?????

I feel like SCREAMING OUT.... HEY TINA DIDN\"T DIE

AN EXPECTED DEATH!!! SHE GOT BURNED AND TRAMPLED TO

DEATH IN A RATHOLE PASSING ITSELF OFF AS A NIGHTCLUB!TO SEE WASHED UP LOSER 80\'s BAND!!! A band that is hated by a large majority of people in the NE Area for what they have done and continue to do. They should be ashamed of themselves for exploiting the death of Tina and 99 others for their own gain. This \"band \"should be in jail, not onstage! Enough is enough already! Stop exploiting my best friend Tina Ayer who got killed because your choice to use Stadium style pyro in a small roadhouse club, it\'s not like your band never played there before, You should have known better. Because the band wanted to look cool, Tina is dead! Nice going GW for making my life a living hell now! I hope you can sleep at night! I know I can\'t!

I just don\'t understand the problem with me ,,talking about her or expressing my pain over the loss of her at the hands of Jack Russell and Great White Yet these scumbags get smypathy? What is wrong with this picture?

My heart just breaks when I see two best friends out

together having fun. I wonder to myself what they feels

like,since it\'s been so long since Tina and I had good times

together. We never will share anymore good times thanks to Jack and his illegal pyro! You know every dog has it\'s day. Legally and I hope yours comes soon Jack!

STOP using the Station Fire as Smypathy PR for your dead career. That is low and sickning to all of us who died because of you and your big ego.

[DeeAnn]

Dear Annie...

I have no answers for you hon, but I do send you huge ***HUGS*** Just know I'm here for you.

DeeAnn

[aprilsmom]

Dear Annie, Your anger is VERY well placed here. You can read about my little (?) episode on loss of an adult child somewhere around February 9th I think. I went stark raving mad when I found out the "other" girl has moved in with my son-in-law and planning a wedding. I went balistic trying to PROTECT my daughter April and you feel you can protect your dear sweet Tina. This is what I've figured out since Feb. 8th. APRIL DOESN'T NEED MY PROTECTION ANYMORE - SHE IS HAPPY AND FINE. Isn't is wierd? Our loved ones die and WE ARE THE ONES who go to h---! You're supposed to smile or nod at that sweetie! I'm just a mom through and through Annie, and I want you to be okay!! It might take 5 years, it might take longer. Maybe the anger will turn to something else; mine is making a transition as we speak. My love for April will NEVER DIM and we here know yours for Tina won't either.... Please visit April's site and look at all the pics of her wedding and sisters and brothers with her, and yes, that good looking husband that is "getting over it". No, Bobby will always love her; he's just being a man, hate to say it, but it's true. Maybe you could put that anger into making a site for Tina; sorry if I've stepped over the line there. Take Care of yourself, Renee go to: aprilduarte.com

[littlebug]

I just need to grieve a little and open up some. This is the only place I know where to do it. Every since my mom died in November I have been growing bitter and bitter. I can't stand it. I can't stand myself and feeling this way. I was raised in church, believe in God and feel ashamed for feeling like this. It's just that I remember praying for mom the night we took her to the hospital. I begged God not to take her now. I prayed and begged. And now she's gone. Then two months later I find out I'm pregnate. Why couldn't he have just let her get to meet my children? What's a few more months? I know he has his reasons and were not to question him. But I am so mad about it. It's not fair. I miss her so much right now. The only thing positive I see these days is my baby. Which I am thrilled about. But your mother is supossed to be with you through this.

Just had to vent some. Sorry

[DeeAnn]

Littlebug,

Anger was without question the hardest part of the grief for me. If you're a reader, I would highly recommend the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People. There are a very few books I've read that changed my life forever, and it is one of them.

Always know this is a safe place to vent. We've all been there, and we all understand. Hope you are having better days now. Take care...

DeeAnn

[littlebug]

DeeAnn,

I have heard about that book, just didn't know if it was any good or not. I

will definately check it out. I just read "Hello from Heaven" and it was pretty good to. I am feeling a little better today. I had a dream about my mom last night and I feel like I've actually spent several hours with her. I've felt some peace about it all day today. Thank you for listening. Hope you are doing ok. Littlebug

[davidsstar]

I honestly do not know where to start. I don't have any privacy right now, having to move in with my parents with my two little boys, since my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly in February. He was 47. I am 37. My mother and I have a terrible relationship ok, maybe not terrible, but it is really strained. My dad and I get along just fine. I am trying to get my things in storage, take care of my boys and keep my sanity and what I have listed is not even the beginning. I am also bipolar, and I am angry sometimes for being put in this position (having to sell the house because I cannot afford the mortgage alone) &

yet trying to keep a brave face so to speak in front of the kids. (who are 3&4). They have seen me break down and stuff, but they want to be here, with their grandparents where I don't. So I am doing this for them. Oh well this is all I can write for now because nosey people are in the room......another thing I HATE! any ideas? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! before I lose my mind. ? any ideas to helpmy kids too? I am just mad and depressed and lost...

[griffinsmom]

Davidstar...

Could you leave the kids with their Grandparents and stay with a friend? Just like for a day or two.... Maybe youd be able to clear your head and think about what needs to be done..Lots of luck..

[jcruzgirl]

Davidstar,

I have my parents here with me for nearly 4 months now. I love my mother, but she and I too have a strained relationship. She is always trying to tell me what to do and how to do it. I am 40 years old and have been on my own for MANY years before James passed away on 11/12/05. I know that when I go for a walk or even to the store by myself it helps. My own saving Grace is that my parents are only here for another 2 weeks and then I will be alone again.

Have you been able to do things by yourself??? Have you tried to find a support group to visit with??? I know that these things helped me right after James died. I also have some really good friends that I can sit and talk to all night long. Plus I have this place. If and when all else fails, I try to go and sit in a nice hot tub and soak myself.

One thing that I needed to realize was that due to the grief that I am going through my emotions are VERY raw and even though I feel like biting heads off I try to give myself that 10 second rule, (no answering for 10 seconds) it helps to cool myself off when I have reached my peak.

I pray that you can find some alone time and peace you need.

Trish

[angel57]

i too am having trouble, i havent been honest with myself or anyone else. i am reliving melodys death or never really came to the real healing stage, i dont really know,but anyway, the girl that was driving the car that melody was killed in has moved back here and she has her own little girl now, which hurts me terribaly.i feel like it isnt fair that she should get to go on with her life and enjoy having a daughter when she took my daughters life away, she gets to go on with her life while i sit back and watch her enjoy her little girl and i had to let go of one of mine.am i being critical and judgmental for feeling so abandoned and heart broken ? april 14 will be 11 years since i lost melody, and my other daughter who was with melody in the accident tells me to get over it, ( because the girl who was driving has moved back here to town )i feel overwhelmed because she doesnt come back around accept this time of year.am i slipping back down to where i was 11 years ago, or am i feeling sorry for myself ? when i go, it will be from a broken heart,thankyou for letting me ramble on,mistyblue24

[Guest Guest]

I am beginning to wonder if I will ever stop being angry. I feel like I am on the edge. Everyone is getting annoyed with me at work. They say I am moody cranky etc. And I am. It has been 15 months since my mom died of lung cancer. And still every little thing sets me off. I am so sick of hearing about the petty little things that my co-workers complain about. I feel like I am about to loose it. I am new hear and I guess I should not be started out like this. But I don't know where else to go. I just want it to stop hurting. I just want to stop crying and being angry.

[joy2006]

I know it hurts. If you want to quit being angry you must find a way. Anger only hurts yourself, adding on top of your hurt from your loss. I am trying so hard to deal with my anger. Try avoiding people you know will just spark you off. Take care of yourself and do nice things for yourself. One thing I have learned is not to talk to people who don't understand. Find some positive way to channel your anger. I am focusing my energy into enjoying life and making sure I enjoy my loved ones that are still here. Just take care and know your not alone.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Angel57, I wouldn't say "feeling sorry for" yourself. My Jenni was killed in '96, and I'm still deeply upset about it. Her killer was caught and convicted in '03, and now on death row. Sometimes, I want to volunteer for the "job", but other times, I want to face him to forgive him. When I face the frustration and pain of losing my most precious treasure, my firstborn daughter, I have to choose how I'll deal with it. If I internalize it, I'm creating more havoc and pain for myself. If I relinquish control of my emotions, and let my spirit be at peace, I release the pain, and have less suffering from her death. I'm far from perfect in this, and get terribly upset at times. Even after all this time, I still can't say the "M" word, as it relates to her death. I can only say this person raped and killed my daughter. I hope I haven't added confusion for you. I hope sharing my situation helps you, even if a little. Take care. My thoughts and prayers are yours.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

for our guest, the feelings you mention are normal parts of grieving. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Talking about your emotions, about how you feel inside as you relate to the world around you during grief, is important in healing. It helps to open up and say how you feel, even if you feel angry and frustrated with people around you. We are always here to listen, and to care. You are welcome here and welcome to say anything you feel you need to. This journey of healing is yours. Only you can set the course. Only you can take and complete the journey. When we hurt so deeply, we can easily overthink the thoughts and motives of others, making them into something we find so irritating. It's not you, and it's not them. It's the grief making the world seem out of whack. I hope this helps you some in your healing.

[mamabets]

For Mark- You are awesome, and such an inspiration... I think about you so much... Give Mary a sweet hug from me!!! I love you...xoxomamabets

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mamabets, thanks. I'll pass the hug along. She's still in the fight, even though this winter really beat up on her a lot. She's weaker, but still going. Take care of yourself, my friend. luv ya, Mark

[mamabets]

For Mark- And, hugs to you too!!!! I am so angry today that life has taken my Danny, yet I am happier than ever that he is where he is, because he LOVES it in his land of make believe come true, in a place called here, there and everywhere. I just miss him soooooooo much. He was and still is AWESOME!! Email me, see profile, and I will send to you some AMAZING pictures of my "angel" Danny that are of his "visits" to us!!! xoxoxmamabets

[lostinmyownhead]

It's been a rough week. I'm horribly angry at my husband. I just don't understand why he would leave me like this. With so many unanswered questions and guilt. He just left me to fend for myself. To deal with all of his affairs and spread the news. And then I wonder "If the gun had jammed, would he have stopped???" I'll never know. And he'll never tell me. I just want to know WHY dammit.

[suelowe]

I asked my close friend (Angie) of about 10 years to say a prayer for me and my mum as it was nearly the anniversary 31st march. i asked her because she knew my mum and she supported me at mum's funeral. I've learned a big lesson not to tell angie about my grief anymore cos she told me to 'get a grip'. what really hurts is that she knew my mum.

i explained to her that when the love is deep the loss is deep, no matter who that person is, but according to her, everyone deals with the loss with dignity and pride, not by wallowing. i agree with her to some extent of dignity and pride, but she can't get it into her head the FULL impact grief can have on people. if you need to feel sad, you feel sad. same with anger, guilt, and all other emotions that come with grief. i'm not talking to angie about my grief anymore for as long as i can manage it. it's a shock to me that i can't talk to her about this anymore.

she hasn't been through a big loss especially at her age (25, i'm 27) so i don't suppose she realises the loss is huge for me. but her attitude towards me and the grief stinks.

sorry about what i said i just had to say something.

sue

[Guest Guest]

I am so angry at the moment. Angry that my husband suicided 4 1/2 years ago. Angry that my Christian fellowship have no time for me. Angry about all that I have been left to deal with. Angry that my partner just tells me to get things in proportion.

[Guest Guest]

I am so angry at the moment. Angry that my husband suicided 4 1/2 years ago. Angry that my Christian fellowship have no time for me. Angry about all that I have been left to deal with. Angry that my partner just tells me to get things in proportion.

It must be hard to feel so unsupported. I've been the victim of crime and years of my life have been destroyed as a result. Yet, I've had no help or support so I know how you feel when people trivialise the enormity of what you've been through. I hope you get the support you need. Good luck. God bless.

[lostinmyownhead]

Guest,

Many prayers are with you, whether you know it or not. I'm only two months into this, so I don't know anything really, but just know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of people who feel your incredible agony and paralyzing pain.

Wish I could be of more help. But you will be in my prayers tonight.

Much Love (That I probably wouldn't have found without this site),

Erin

[lauraa]

Dear Guest and Suelowe,

You guys said it....and wrapped it up for how I feel, too! I am so so disappointed in so many.....They just don't know the pain we feel....and it truely amazes me that even the ones who have lost a loved one still have short memories. I have always said, "We grieve as deeply as we loved".....and for me it was with my whole heart and soul....the only explanation I have is people (even our supposed best friends) truely DO NOT know the kind of love we had and how deep our loss is.....they just don't know....if they did they surely would be there for us in everyway..then, some have the gull to say I haven't been there for them thru my unbelievable ordeal (the unthinkable)....It is a double wammie for me to learn this about people and makes it more lonely to live with.These are christian church going folks! It is unbelievable to me that I could get more support here in cyberspace from people I have never met.....I cry from the deepest part of my soul....I have a very difficult time going to church now but I do have a personal relationship between god in private and my daily prayer is not to say or do anything to hurt another....I am not a hypocrite.....surely god can see that and the difference. Bless you all while you walk the painful journey. I wish there were answers that I can offer but I can't.....somethings unfortunately we will never understand....we just have to get to a place where it is managable. The key is to find the right people for support that is real and honest.......

[lostinmyownhead]

Does anyone else seem to get the feeling that after all is said and done, it seems that families tend to think that seniority rules in grieving?? Am I not entitled to any special things just between he and I?? His family got the entire first half of his life, I was cheated out of the second half. I only had a few years. But, I'm just his wife. Apparently, I didn't know him as long, so I'm not entitled to the sympathy and understanding that the rest of his family is. These were supposed to be our years, and our joys, and our pains, and our happiness. And all that was stolen from me. Stolen by my own husband. I guess that's it. Because he "chose" to leave his life with me, that means my entitlement to grieve and have special moments is lessened and overruled by, again, seniority.

[lauraa]

Lostinmyownhead.......I don't know about the seniority thing mostly because for me they have all passed themselves. But,I do know what it feels like for people not to ask anymore or even talk about my husband....life has gone on for all of them but my life is still hell.......No matter what we go thru and get from others I have learned that I have to get to a place where I know the truth about everything and I have to honor my own feelings....in other words validate how I feel to myself. Sad but true! It is a lonely existance to loose the one we love the most in this world. For my it feels especially hard because we worked our fingers to the bones together to get where we were and then poof....it's like being run over by a mac truck or broadsided by a train or getting a cheap shot while doing your best in a sports game. You my friend are going to hit lots of bumps along the way and cry like you ain't cried before and still wonder where the tears come from because of the unfairness of it all.......We are here for you. Don't let anyone tell you how you feel, how your suppose to grieve or how long to do it.......Screw all of them! You lost YOUR husband.....that is when the rules changed....the day you said "I do"......let them them all wallow in their own stuff because they need that but you don't have to listen to them or any of it........Keep your chin up and honor yourself in anyway you need to.

[poppy8]

Hi everyone, I am one of guests - 4 1/2 yr ago suicide.

I've calmed down a bit now, but yes Lauraa - I got let down to by my close Christian fellowship. The minister got flu immediately (not really according to his son) and wouldn't speak to me on the phone. I didn't have any help with the funeral etc. But a minister at a church I had been at 6 years previously managed to turn up at the funeral with some of my previous church friends! This encouraged me but also confused me. Where was the felowship I had been attending for 6 years more recently. A year ago, I rang up the minister who I felt let me down, and he said - why are you ringing me after 3 1/2 years? My late husband had rung him in desperation 3 days before his suicide, and that minister hadn't told me about it! My husband had asked him to speak to me. he didn't bother. It's very hard when you have a strong faith in the Lord and unbelievable when those you trusted don't bother. In my husband's last words, he said - "I wonder if anyone will care when I'm gone, I don't mean you (meaning me), I mean the other Christians. They couldn't even believe in things between you (i.e. me) and me." I got this message on a voice mail after he was gone. I don't love God any the less, but I do have a hard time forgiving.

[lostinmyownhead]

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel.

Focus on the pain,

The only thing that's real.

The needle tears a hole,

The old familiar sting.

Try to kill it all away,

But I remember everything...

What have I become?

My sweetest friend.

Everyone I know

Goes away

In the end...

"You can have it all,

My empire of dirt.

I will let you down,

I will make you hurt..."

I wear this crown of ****,

Upon my liar's chair.

Full of broken thoughts,

I cannot repair.

Beneath the stains of time,

The feelings disappear.

You are somewhere else,

I am still right here..

What have I become?

My sweetest friend.

Everyone I know

Goes away

In the end...

"You can have it all.

My empire of dirt.

I will let you down,

I will make you hurt..."

If I could start again,

A million miles away,

I would keep myself.

I would find a way...

[missy42]

Dear Everyone,

When does the anger go away? Why does depression have to be your constant companion?

Missy

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Missy, there are steps to our grieving, and we all seem to have these steps, even though we may experience them at different times, or repeatedly. They are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, in order. At first, the pain is too much for our spirits, so we deny death to ease our way into the suffering, kinda like stepping slowly into the pool. We get angry at others, at God, at our loved one who died, when at the core we are only angry at death (as a process that took our loved one from us). We bargain with God, or our higher spiritual power or being, to restore our loved one to us. When this fails, we slip into depression, the deepest and most intense part of grieving. When we are able to emerge victorious over these, we begin to accept death and what it did in relation to us. I hope this helps you, even though it's a little "wordy" and in depth. If we can ever help, feel free to ask. We're all here to help each other while we are helped by others in our journeys of healing. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark

[lauraa]

Mark and Missy,

You are so right when you say Depression is the deepest and toughest to get thru. I also think it is very difficult because as we go thru these stages they are also intertwined.....sometimes, I feel sad, angry and depressed all at the same time. Take that with lack of sleep with nightmares and anxiety and it is a real cocktail to contend with. So my friends, how can anyone who has never been thru a loss like we have had even begin to support us in our journey. I feel that I have lost a friend because of this...because I have been judged for not being there for her(what do you think about that). I have been in the debths of my grieving and she says I wasn't there for her the last five years thru her stuff (adoption, new house, divorce). These were all her choices and mine weren't......Somethings you can never take back....my loved ones were "taken" from me and I tried like to help them survive......seems sometimes the world just keeps getting lonlierbut we must move forward and only surround ourselves with the ones we get our support from thru these most difficult days.....sometimes, this is the only place I get it.....You all hang in there!

[lostinmyownhead]

I need to vent.

My emotions have been pretty up and down today. I've been in a really goofy mood for most of the day and then just seemed to crash. I don't want to be a survivor of suicide. I don't want to cry every day. Why does this happen to us? What did I do to deserve such hurt? Did he think he was doing me a favor?

I hate that my head is full of questions. I hate that I will go for hours on searches through the house looking for a note that he may have left for me to say goodbye and help me understand. I've turned this house inside out, upside down, and back again. And I tell myself "this is crazy. there's no note".

I struggle with the decision of whether or not to listen to the 911 call he made just before he shot himself.

I read somewhere that if we truly knew what it was like when we were able to shed our physical bodies and be in paradise, we would be anxious to do so. So why does it hurt so bad if I truly believe that he is at peace????

I hate feeling like this. Is that what he thought?

[tara12]

i am struggling to make sense of things , i feel so all over the place , i lost my mumm and dad in 4mths , i sortve coped with my mum , but now with my dad , i am not doing very well , i started smoking again , i cant sleep , i feel depressed , i was maybe doinga bit better , then today , found out terrible stuff , thats really upset me , i feel like i am getting the feelings all over again like when the call came to tell me dad was dead , he died suddently , 4 weeks ago ... he just lost it after mum died and he i guess just died . i dotn know. its normal , but the stuff around it is not , the vulutres , the eveil people , taking things , i feel peoplea re so mean and immoral and selfish and cruel , i feel so betrayed , its is awful and so wrong , i am SO ANGRY , i think , but i instead feel fear and anxiety all the time , adrenaline , its awful , i feel sick in the stomach , i just feel so bad.......

i am trying , but its so lonely and hard and i need to get a grip and not get sick and lose more. i need help

[lauraa]

Tara12,

I am sorry for the loss of your parents. I know alittle about that as I lost my husband and both my parents within 6 months of each other. I don't know what to say about the evil stuff that goes on....only that they all have to face their maker in the end and, all that stuff that they feel is so important are only "earthly things"....you can not take it with you. You keep the most important stuff with you and that is the memories and love that you shared with both your parents......keep venting.....I hope you do have some momentums to remind you of your special times but remember those other people are showing their true colors and sometimes you really don't know what people are like until times like this....now you know!

You dear dad is with you and watching over you!

[tara12]

LAURAA ,

thanks for the reply and words of encouragement . It has been a tough few days , i found out bad news about my dad and mums will and its so complicated and wrong i felt like someone had just called me all over again to tell me dad died , maybe even worse , cause death is natural and a fact , but immorality and trickery and theives is a human fault . My dad and mum were simple and honest , genrous to people and toooooo trusting , people took advantage of them. and now in death it continues with evil... people manipulated them .. and this was resulted in a change of will and execuotr , but now we find out , that the solitor never finalised the change and the copy my dad put in the bank vault is only a draft of the changes , and then instead of the solitor finding what happened , as asked , he went and sent the old will and stuff ot the old excecetor who is NOT WHO MY DAD WANTED EVER NEAR HIM AGAIN , AND WOULD EB HORRIFIED IF HE KNEW

they also know this and they know that it is wrong and they dont care , its like they are laughing at us and are going to just go on into our home , their home and go through their things and take......... and the worst is in januaray dad and me asked hsi freind who dad wanted and thought was his new escecutor ( of the last 6 years ) to be sure the wills were right and on record , to go with him and check ( this was after mum died ) because he wanted to be a hundred percent sure......... but instead they never went ( I SHOUDL PUSHED THIS MORE , BUT DIDNT out of respect for dads chpice of his freind as executor ) so I am mad at him for not doing it , and mad at the solitors for not doing it and mad at the other people who are just immoral......... your right its just things , BUT ITS more than that , its just wrong ...... it is a violation , i feel violated , i feel it violates them and all they stood for and all the work they did and the life of saving , will be gone in court fees and to people they didnt even care or want to have near them , these people will touch my parents things and it hurts so much.

it brings all the grief back.......i am so angry and feel so betrayed for them , for me....... its awful..... and makes a huge mess now.

I dont understand........ why , why , why .....

anyway , i know i have to work to let go , to be strong , to be wise , to be compassionate , and to not become bitter and filled with hate .. cause this is out of my control , i can try fix it and try get help to do the right thing , but at the end of the day , it may well be comletely out of my control....

anyway , please write more , thanks for listening , it will be ok ... your right , i have my memeories and i have the love.. and thats the things that is most real..... the rest is illusion and temporary anyway....... but sad ... its sad ............

oh well

I hope your doing ok

[findingmyselfagain]

Tara12,

My heart just aches for you. You've been faced with such a loss and then to find this out, my goodness.

I hope all does work out for you and your battle. It may be worth a consultation with an attorney. I know that I did everything to preserve my husband's dignity after he passed and it made me feel good and bad at the same time. Kind of brought back the bad memories, but felt good to stand up for him.

I wish you the best.

Peaceful days truly are ahead for you. And you don't have to be "strong" all the time. It's ok to be weak when you need to be.

Love and hugs,

Erin

[tara12]

Thanks ERIN ,

yES it is so very hard and the pain is very present as is a high anxiety level. I am waiting to find out what the solicitor says to my dads friend ( the one he wanted as execetor , and what they say about the will that dad had in the bank ( which is the one he wanted ). Then I will have to get legal advice based on the outcome i suppose. It is awful , even just having to deal with this is awful. its just wrong. and I feel bad for not oushing it when i had the chance , when I was there , when I knew this may be an issue. but I trusted the friend of dads and out fo respect for my dad choosing him as executor didn't push things except to ask him ( with dad ) to make sure things were as dad wished and to go to the bank and call the solicitor to be sure the will was in order as DAD had expressed verystrongly that he did not want the people ( the previous executors ) to end up involved ... and so this is very distressing to me , cause i know all his lifes work , savings and all that goes wiht that story , may end up destroyed and taken by people he would not wish it to go to , including solitors , and lawyers , who he also would not wish his goods to go to ....... it hurts , but i must remember or try tell myself , i did my best , but i fear i could have done better ? but maybe this is in retrospect . I had to let my dad do as he wished and not be pushy , i beleived in letting him have his dignity and trusted he was doing what he wished , i trusted i had done my best by asking the execuotr to follow up on things... i feel I am the one who is also voilated..... everyone else gains.

ahhhhhhhhh. its so complicates the grief , it is unbearable at times and then I have to stop and breath and make space and remind myself , we come ot this worlkd with nothing and we leave with nothing and in the end none of this matters ........ only protecting their dignity and memeory matters and noone cares about this except me . so it lives in me and , this is also a bit hard , to bare this alone........ but it is how it is . and i will not be bitter .

though i must say my faith in humans has been tested again and again and agian ...... this life ... i have a pretty dim expereince of humans , i think essentially they are selfish , mean , immorral .. even those who say they arent and act so rightgous , fuinny how most of the people I am talking about in this mess with my family , wre the upright christian mason types . all so moral and self rightgeous and judging of ME .. for the different life i have led ... and now come to this they sure do show their immorality and greed ... funny about that .......... this world is not based on justice , this world is not based on what is right and good..... but we knew this . now i know it truly really deeply ...... this life is suffering .......

[findingmyselfagain]

Dear Tara,

You are so right! But I don't think that it's life that is so suffering, it's those of us left here to "hurry up and wait" to be rejoined with our loved ones. You are the only one who knows what is right for you and how your dad would want you to handle this. He trusts your judgement. Know that. He is proud of you and the fact that you have (possibly) decided to let sleeping dogs "lie". He does trust you, as does your mom. Just the fact that you are facing this up front is enough to make any parent proud.

Know that they are at peace. They trust you and your judgement. You know what's right for you right now. Just take care of you, that's what they would want more than anything else!!! :-)

Big hugs.

Peace for the day, strength for the journey.

Love,

Erin

[clittlelady]

Hi Tara,,,

Girl, remember what happened to me just eight short months ago? My ordeal (which is still ongoing in the legal arena) with my Mother's estate, humble as it was. I know exactly how betrayed and angry you feel. How complex it makes your grief. How weak it makes you physically and drains your mental wellness too. It was hard enough losing my Mother, but all of the unjust activities that followed will never be erased from my memory. I am so sorry you are faced with this as well. It still makes me nauseous to think about having to face off in court with someone who wouldn't even return my Mother's phone calls, but moved in her home less than two weeks after her burial and sold all her things, without ever executing the will, as the "Executor". I did almost let hatred consume there in those first few months. It was hard to separate the grief of my Mother from the anger and rage I felt for my brother. Now, I can honestly say, I'm handling it much better. I hope and pray you overcome this heartache and gain new strength. Hang in there. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Connie

[Guest Guest]

anger depression anxiety i think most of us have felt atleast one or more of this at sometime. Thank GOd for this site and for others like

www.newlife.com

www.spiritlessons.com

keep up the good work!

[nicolebrooke]

I was just reading the previous posts and it is so awful that some of you have to deal with will's and lawyers and people taking advantage on top the deaths in your family.

My situation is slightly similar; we had alot of news crews outside of our house and certain 'friends' and neighbors pretending they didn't know us. My brother shot himself in the head.

Alot of our extended family can't handle it either. It is a disgrace to them, which means my brother is a disgrace and we just won't deal with people who think like that, even some family.

When someone dies alot of secrets come out it seems. But life has gone on. And now that some people have shown themselves to be ugly and cold-hearted and cruel we have moved on without them. And maybe that is a good thing.

[littlebug]

I am so depressed these days. I lost my mom almost 7 months ago and my dad 1 1/2 years ago. I lived with them at the time of each of their deaths. Thank God I was with both of them at the time of their passing. A month and a half after my mother died I found out that I was expecting for the first time. She never knew. We had discussed me getting pregnate the week before she died, we never thought I could ever have children. I had finally given up on having any. Here I am at 33, my clock I though, had ticked out. My x-husband and I we're planning on remarrying even before she passed. Which we finally did afterword. My 5 siblings and I have already gone through mom and dad's things and divided them. One of my brothers got the house (mom's) and I just moved into his. I am the youngest of 6 and was the closest to mom. She depended on me more than the others. I recently had family in and my aunt tells me that my mom had told her last summer that the house was going to me. That she realized that I had given up so much to stay there with her and dad, and everyone had their places and she wanted me to have it. She (my aunt) got the impression that it was already in the will. (which I don't ever remember seeing) After hearing that I don't know what to do. I really don't want the house, that's not what bothers me. I don't care about "the stuff" as long as I have memories of them that is all I want. It's just the thought of my brother's and sister's possibly hiding it from me. I don't know how, or if I should bring this up to them. I do feel like I got screwed. When I got my brothers house (which I was told was going to be sold and the money split between all of us) I had to finish paying what he owed off. It's small and I don't have any room. But I can manage with this. It just pisses me off. I lost my mom, had to move and hear from everyone how hard it has to be on my brother and sister-in-law to move into mom's house. I was there when it all happend...I had to move. I don't know what to do.

I just needed to vent. I have no one to talk to these days. I shared everything with my mom. She was the best friend I ever had. She was the only person in this world that I ever opened up to. Now I just keep it all in and it's taking a toll on me. Sorry.

[nicolebrooke]

Littlebug

What a tough situation. No need to be sorry for venting. I lost my brother a few years ago. To have lost both your parents in such a brief period... So sorry.

About the house - do you think you can talk to your brother and your other siblings? At least make your feelings known and hear what their reasonings are. It would be a shame if it came between you all now when you have lost both your parents.

I don't know what I would do in your shoes. Really, it's so much. At least you know you were there for your mother and how much she loved you. And she knew that you loved her.

[littlebug]

Nicolebrooke,

I am sorry about your brother. Were you two close? How old was he?

I have thought about talking to them. But, I don't want to cause any hurt feelings in the family. I've been trying to just forget about it and go on. But it's really eating at me. I know it probably shouldn't because really, I don't want the house. I've kind of hinted around about it to one of my sisters and she just keeps reminding me that they all gave up their share of the money so I could have a house. (If my brother sold his house the money was going to be divided between all of us)I still had to come up with a little over 6,000 to pay what was owed on it. Which I will deal with. It just seemed to me like she was laying this big guilt trip on me about it all. I want to scream!!! Mom and Dad wanted more than anything to keep peace in the family & for us all to remain close. We've been pretty good about it to. But after finding this out, I don't know what to do.

You are right, I was there for my mother and I loved both of them (mom & dad) so much. I thank God I got to spend those last months with them.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

[Guest Guest]

Im MosGirl the anger from losing my husband is more powerful then the air i breath it has changed who iam as a person in every aspect of my life he was only 45 and iam 50 and the depression is getting to the point that the two emotions together could become extremly dangerous. my heart has such a sadness and my will to go on is exhausting Im so angry that the energy that comes up is driven by hurt and fearof how im going to be able to continue with out him. People say you have your memories.Well to hell with that I want to see my honeys smile bug him when hes trying to read and kiss him good-nite and wake up and start all over again. Anger is what has taken over my heart and depression has taken over my life. Thanks for listening once again im MosGirl

[nicolebrooke]

Littlebug,

thanks for asking. He died when he was 19. I was out of the house by then so no, we weren't close as in chatting on the phone. But I feel as if we were the same person split in 2.

I think it is so great of you to just let it go, since your Mom and Dad wanted peace in the family.

Hi MosGirl,

I am so sorry your husband has passed. I know you just want to see him and hold him again. I hope that with time your anger lessens. You are right, the 2 combined can be very dangerous. Is there any activity or space where you find some relief?

[godeksmom]

My name is jeanie, I lost my son Christopher, 21, in a car accident 2 weeks ago, May 26,2006. His friend was the driver, he was speeding, i am in agony, also agry at his friend, he lived, lost an arm but he is talking to friends about getting another car, (this was not the car in the accident) the owner of the vehicle was a passenger at the time and was also killed.

I am comsumed with pain, sadness, anger...i have another son 17, named Brian he was always moody and hard to talk to, Christopher was my best friend, now i realize i have hardly had any relationship with my other son and i dont know him at all, he was always angry at me for something, now he's angrier...i have tried 2 therapists already, they did nothing for me, no interaction, i am going to a licensed social worker through my local hospital that deals with people who have suffered trauma, lost people to murder, etc.

Please help with some advice.

I went back to work, but it's so hard to concentrate and not cry all day, alhtough staying home is unbearable, he still lived at home and his stuff is everywhere to remind me of him. I kow he would like me to forvgive him friend for this, but i can't he was driving out of control (no drugs or alcohol involved, just plain stupidity)

please help

jeanie

I live in Queens, ny, (close to manhattan)...

thank you

[nicolebrooke]

Hi Jeanie,

I am so sorry. What a horrible tragedy. I know how hard it is to go on with the day to day after such a loss.

The therapy is a great thing, and maybe a support group, for you and Brian. And maybe you can involve Brian with the decisions about Christophers things in the house. It might get him talking and be something the two of you could share. My mother lets us each pick out whatever we wanted to keep from my brothers room after he died. Clothes, toys, pillows... anything we wanted. And we sat in there going through everything and telling stories and crying.

The pain is so sharp and fresh for your family I wouldn't even worry about forgiving the friend who was driving just yet. I believe that will come one day, but right now your own healing has to take priority.

We are all here to help.

[peter1]

Surviving a Heart Attack (just read)

This one is definitely worth your minute: I suffered a heart attack recently and I did one thing that brought almost immediate relief.

With all my strength I tried to stretch my body and overcome the bending position one is forced to when suffering a heart attack.

I put myself in supine position, put my STRETCHED ARMS TO THE SIDES at slightly greater tha right angle and stopped tossing and turning and moving my fingers, which I thought was the best way to REDUCE ADRENALINE – the main culprit of a HA. I felt almost immediate improvement in the depth of my breath, the pain the muscle cramp started receding. After 15 minutes I was able to stand up.

Putting arms to the sides looks to make the chest and muscles inside it expand and that streches the cramped heart muscle (like soccer players stretch their cramped calf by bending the foot to the maximum, just raise your arms above the head level and you can see it does make the chest expand). Staying totally motionless seems to induce a state of maximum relaxation of the body (which reduces adrenaline.) and muscles (including the heart muscle).

Please try using this technique when facing death. It can really help you and your relatives survive a heart attack.

Greetings

Peter

[Guest Guest]

I do not know what I'm feeling. I lost my brother on May 4th 2006 @ the age of 20. He had been out of school for 2 yrs, and starting his life. He started working for a company Krispy Kreme, and while being on this job for 30days he was killed while on duty driving. I'm hurting so much, inside and out, I miss him dearly, I was 17 yrs older than him. I have been trying to find some help, and where do I go from here.