I want to dig up my baby out of his grave

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

I had songs for Petey, where I took a song and changed the words to make it a song about him.  I  sang to him a lot.

I did that with my children when they were babies, even made up songs, made it about Arlie when I got him, now I do the same with Kodie.  I do motions with it, Arlie is a sweet boy, as sweet as he can be, whenever people see him, that's what they see, Arlie is a sweet boy, as sweet as he can be, with two little eyes (tap his eyes, he always blink-blinked!  ) two little ears (touch his ears) and a cute little nose (touch his nose), that's what they see!  That's what they see, Arlie, that's what they see! 

Now I do it for Kodie.  People would probably think me nuts if they could look in on us...

20 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

Jack is doing better but is still quite fearful. It will just take time. I love him so much and I feel we have bonded, although he is still not entirely trusting.  Someone abused him in the past and I don’t blame him for being scared.

My Lucky was that way, she never did get over her being scared but she was a Whippet (we redubbed as Whimpet!) and had been abused by her first owner, then over-trained by her second, discarded by her third, and I got her fourth, in her third year, gave her a forever home and nothing but love...but my XH divorced me a couple years in to having her and didn't want visitation with her (didn't do much better with our kids), so I'm sure she felt abandoned by him...then I married George, we were so happy together and when he died, she grieved.  She went through too much in her fourteen years.

[Eternalsoul]

@KayC

I do have a fence but they are big babies and demand to come in if it's too cold. When it snows or rains I have to let them in and out all day to  relieve themselves. Even when it gets too hot I bring them in. It's the spoiled life. 

I let them out to enjoy the snow for a little bit but then we go back in. I don't have an outside area with a roof to block the snow or rain. 

Haha, Kodie is smart. He's like "no way am I going through that snow." I don't blame him. 

I had a stray cat who survived the polar vortex a few years ago. He bit me on my leg twice when I was moving his food that year. I learned my lesson to never touch a hungry stray cat's food. I bled and had two bite marks. I just washed it and applied hydrogen peroxide. Nothing ever came of it. Just prayed he didn't have rabies.... 

I was somewhat scared of him after that but I continued to feed him. I had him fixed 3 years prior to the bite. This year when it snowed he sat at the doorstep covered in snow and I risked it all. I picked him up and brought him into a bathroom. Now he cuddles me everyday. 

You'll think I'm nuts but I even brought chickens in to the garage. I placed them in a cage. It was just too cold and I don't have a light to keep them warm outside. I read that people woke up to their chickens frozen after a bad storm. That scared me. So, that truly felt like Noah's Ark. 

I pray for those people, too. I had Faith my whole life but I constantly doubted it because of the trials. I just went and did my own thing. Following weird psychedelic new age stuff. It's not fulfilling. 

I never understood how people said they loved God. I see now. I cant force anyone to see. We all have paths that lead us to see. Some choose not to I guess. 

I am very happy that you listen to music! I thought you actually stopped listening to all types. I can't really get into rap either. I can't relate. As far as acid rock I am not sure if 60s and 70s rock falls into that category. I like hippy classical rock a lot. 

That's so cool that you were a biker. My dad had a Harley when he was younger. 

I'm sure a lot of people regret their tattoos but hey it's part of your story. 

My dad is the one who kept pushing me to trust in God and to have a relationship with Jesus. I'd play it off like I did for years. I was in denial and just wanted it my way or the highway. Plus, years of mental abuse really caused me to wonder why I had to go through that. Now I see. When we actually open our hearts and souls to God/Jesus we get the answer. 

I'll never be perfect and I will never judge anyone else for their beliefs. I'll just pray. I know the topic of God bothers a lot of people. It's a trigger. I'm not forcing my beliefs on anyone. Just giving people another perspective to look at. 

That must have been gut wrenching to see someone else sit in his spot. I would be really bothered by that, too. I hope you have comfort in knowing that he's still watching you with a smile. I truly feel for you. He is still your biggest fan. I'm so happy for you that you experienced such a beautiful time with George. It will continue in Heaven again. 

I long for the day to be reunited with all of my pets. I know I don't mention humans too often. I'm just close to my pets because they don't hurt me or criticize. 

I know. I feel so bad when I have to leave my pets alone but we have to leave so that we have a "life" and so that we can survive.

Maybe you can get one of those cameras where you can interact with him while away?

I'm sure Kodie understands and he's probably like "wow, I have the whole place to myself".... 

I'm a hermit with my animals too besides the occasional hang out with my boyfriend. He's an introvert, too, so we both have it made that we don't crave attention from one another constantly. He has pets, too. After being with me he felt sorry for animals and started rescuing them. I rubbed off on him.

Life is more peaceful with our pets. I mean it's nice to interact with people but I'm extremely introverted. My dad told me not to worry about going no contact with my mom and sister. He said I have God and Jesus now. 

I'll listen to that song now. I'll play it for my baby in Heaven. 

I love her so much. The pain doesn't stop. But I have Faith. 

I hope you and Kodie are having a truly beautiful day. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mandy25]

@Eternalsoul I too will never be at peace with Petey’s death. I would like to sing to Petey, but it is just too painful to sing those songs right now.  In time, I hope. I miss him so much. The last two years of his life, I spent almost all of my time with him.  I wasn’t working, so I could. It is just so sad that I will never smell his ears, paws, fur, and breath ever again.  I do believe I will see him again but most likely he won’t be in the same form. 
I also think it must be sad to not believe there is anything beyond this life.  I always felt sorry for my Mom.  She didn’t think there was anything after this life and she said that she didn’t want to live forever as she would be too tired.  That is just so heartbreaking and as I child it bothered me as I couldn’t understand why she would say that (I still don’t understand why she said that).  I’m happy that you have an unbreakable relationship with God. I do pray to god, but I’m not sure what the afterlife will be like.  Maybe we are given this life to learn lessons and if we don’t learn them, we go on to another realm to continue learning. I think animals are angels put here to help us.  I just don’t know.  I have experienced apparitions. One example; at one time I lived in a home where I saw a fleeting figure of a man on a couple of occasions and felt that he was an evil presence.  I found out later that the man who had lived there prior to me had been murdered by his son who he had molested when his son was a child. I actually had a priest come and exorcise that presence from the house and it worked. I do have an open mind and am still learning about faith.  There would be no purpose to this life if there wasn’t something else beyond this.

What a wonderful person you are, taking in all those animals when the weather is bad.  You have a big heart and a kind soul.  

[Mandy25]

@KayC I absolutely love the song you sang to Arlie. He must have loved that! Kodie must love that too!  I wasn’t as original. I used established songs and just changed some of the words. Lucky was so fortunate to have had you. I don’t understand how anyone would intentionally harm an animal or callously discard them.  Petey was abused and then adopted twice and returned both times. Even though he was a handful due to the past abuse and the behavioral seizures, I was not going to take him back.  I gave him the best life (up until the last couple months when due to my stupidity, I let him down unintentionally) and he was my joy. Jack is not aggressive like Petey, but does try to bite when he is afraid.  He doesn’t try to bite me anymore and he is now my cuddle bug, but still has tried to nip my husband a couple times. It probably was a man who abused him. I am going really slow with him and he is progressing actually pretty quickly which is great.  He is my savior right now as I am still deeply missing Petey and depressed over his death.

[Mandy25]

I love you Petey!!!!❤️
(Petey in August 2021)

[foreverhis]

On 3/25/2022 at 10:32 AM, Eternalsoul said:

@foreverhis

I forgot to ask. Do you have any pets?

Oops.  Sorry, I missed this. 

No, I currently don't have any pets.  I do have my doggie friend Raleigh.  She's my dear friends' (and across the street neighbors) now 12 year old rescue dog.  She's a 12 lb Parson-Jack Russell terrier mix with some chihuahua thrown in for good measure.  Smart, sometimes stubborn (but minds me 85%-90% of the time and 100% when she realizes, "Uh oh, Annie is serious about this), adorable, silly, and so loving and sensitive.  I'm her Goddogmom and my friends put a codicil in their wills that she will come to me if anything happens to them.

I started sitting her one day a week nearly 3 years ago.  My friends hesitated to ask me to take the responsibility, knowing my then very fragile heart and mind.  I realized it would actually be a good thing for me and Raleigh already thought I was an awesome auntie.  Then a couple of months after that, my one friend and I started baking together once a week.  I didn't think I'd ever care about regular baking again, but he wanted to learn sourdough and I'd already done a little casual baking and stuff with his wife as we started to become closer.  I'm an excellent cook and baker (not to brag; simply true), but never mastered sourdough.  Our starter is now gorgeous at 2-1/2 years old (pre-COVID and the "make sourdough" craze) and we churn out a large weekly sourdough of one kind or another to split between our two homes, along with various other multi-grain loaves and things like muffins, fruit pastries, or my cookie recipes.  He started bringing Raleigh with him because we generally bake at my house.  I got her a fleece blanket for the spot she staked out on the sofa, as well a designating a stainless bowl for water, including making her a little platform for it out of an old book and washcloth, and getting her a couple of toys.  This is truly her second home.

Sometimes they will text or call to ask me to keep her later or have her earlier or have her with me on a non-regular day. If I don’t have appointments or specific plans, I always say yes. I believe that when my time comes I will not regret putting off house chores or whatever else, but I would deeply regret missing time I could have had with her.

It gives me such warm fuzzies to open the door and have her come flying in, dancing around and smiling with her tail wagging like crazy and “I love my Annie” every time. That girl is happy all the time. She’s happy to be here; she’s happy when she goes home. It’s impossible to ignore the sheer joy that shines in her eyes.

At the beginning of lock down, my friends asked if I wanted her three to four afternoons per week because they were afraid enforced isolation would set back my grief (it did) and maybe more Raleigh love would help (it sure did).  Plus, Raleigh adores her parents, but suddenly they were home 24/7 and messing with her routine, so giving her a new routine was a good idea.  Now that the situation is better and life is becoming "normal" again, she is with me two to three afternoons and early evenings (until about 7) a week.  And we're back to baking every other week.  What a blessing that girl has been.  I kind of get the best of both worlds having part-time responsibility for her, but not having it 24/7.

I will likely find an adult rescue cat some time in the fall after a kitchen remodel and when I'm sure I don't need shoulder surgery.  I like females, medium/long hair, and have always had tabbys.  The most important requirement is that she be good with small dogs and be fine with Raleigh as part of her life.

John and I had pets, but after we lost our most precious and special Charlie Bear (Keeshond) and Penny (red tabby Persian), we decided to wait to find new companions because we knew we'd need more time than usual.  Unfortunately, the time for new fur babies didn't come before I lost John too.  I find a small comfort in having full faith that Charlie and Penny met John at the Rainbow Bridge in joyous reunion and that they are now together forever.  I hope when it's my time all three are there to greet me with loving hearts.

In the meantime, my friends share their wonderful Raleigh with me and that's enough for now.  Animals tend to like me, so I am also friends with my other friends' fur babies.  In fact, one of my friends just lost her 16 year old cat.  She was such a sweetheart and took to me instantly.  It was so painful for her mom.  I miss her sweetheart immensely.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

I do have a fence but they are big babies and demand to come in if it's too cold.

Oh I get it!  Kodie is a Klee Kai, (miniature Husky) and can tolerate the cold, loves the snow, but being small he can't get around when the snow is over a foot deep!  I had to shovel pathways to take him out in so he could pee.  Me in my robe and slippers telling him "Go potty!" at 6 am.  I'm sure the neighbors get a kick out of it.

13 hours ago, foreverhis said:

The most important requirement is that she be good with small dogs and be fine with Raleigh as part of her life.

That would be my requirement too.  And it'd be nice to have a cat that likes in and out both, all mine have.

[Eternalsoul]

@Mandy25

He is perfect. Look at him. You can see his adoration for you in his eyes. Such a beautiful being and soul. 

That is a very scary story about that house that you had blessed. I am happy that the priest was able to "set him free"/remove him. I too have seen maybe a ghost or a spirit. To this day I am not sure what it was. 

I asked "is anyone here with me" and my window blinds crashed down. I just continued to eat as if nothing happened...... my pets did not seem upset so I didn't think of it as negative. It was really weird though........ 

Around that exact time a cousin who I had not spoken to in years had passed away. 

The evening before he passed I had a dream that my grandmother who had passed away several years prior had asked me to "find him". In my dream I went looking for him not knowing why. That morning I woke up and found out the news that he had passed away. 

I told people this story and obviously they probably thought I was crazy but it is the truth. I don't know why my grandmother came to me in my dream. I don't know. It sounds weird I know. 

Although I wasn't always walking with God/ Jesus 100 percent I always knew that there is more than just this life. 

Both you and I and I am sure several other people have had a glimpse of this. 

I am glad that you pray. That's the first step I think. The afterlife depends on now I think. 

I believe 100 percent that all animals make it to Heaven. There is something truly angelic about them. They guide us and teach us. Even the birds tell us something meaningful. 

God places the right ones for us in our life for a bigger purpose. I just feel terribly bad for the ones who are intentionally abused. God sees everything. 

I know. I miss her smell and her therapeutic purr. I miss everything about her. 

Petey knows you miss him and that you'll always love him. I hope you find comfort in knowing he is with God/ Jesus and the angels in Heaven. 

Don't ever lose Faith no matter what anyone says. You will reunite with him. 

I sound crazy I know. They were with us in physical form but now they are everywhere around us. We too will become like them. 

I'm going to try my hardest to make them proud while they watch over me. 

This is not goodbye it is I'll hold you later. 

 

 

 

[Eternalsoul]

Got a lot of things to do right now. I will respond as soon as I'm done.

Thought I'd leave this here because they are truly pure at heart. 

[Mandy25]

@EternalsoulPetey was and is a beautiful soul.  I know I will see him again just as you will see your precious kitty.  I do not think you are crazy.  I do think your Grandmother was talking to you in your dream and that the window blinds crashing could have been a sign from your cousin. I have had so many experiences that have made me believe in there being something else beyond this life.  My mom often visits me in my dreams and at first it made me sad because I would wake up and she wasn’t there, but now it makes me happy.  It’s like I get to see her again for a little while.  I haven’t dreamed about Petey yet,  but I still feel him around me.  I think he wants to make sure I’m ok.  I believe he helped me find Jack.  I also wonder if there are other realms we go to after we die before we go to the final place (heaven?).  I often have vivid dreams of rooms and places that I feel I have been before but not in this life.  Also, I dream about people I have never seen before.  I wonder where my brain got those faces. When I met my husband, I instantly felt that I had known him in the past.  It’s all too strange.  I know I sound crazy. It just seems so weird that our experiences and decisions in life are so interconnected.  For example, if I hadn’t taken the job at the place that my husbands best friend’s sister worked then we wouldn’t have become friends and I would never have been introduced to my husband.  It seems like, even though we are given free will, there is a purpose to every event, decision, and personal encounter we experience. Often times we don’t see the purpose for some of this, but I’m sure it will be made clear to us when we leave this life.  I know I’m rambling, so I’m sorry. I agree with you, that it is not goodbye.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

they are truly pure at heart. 

That's how I see it too, they are the best!

This cartoon applies to cats too as I look at it!

[foreverhis]

@KayC  I love that one too.  Here are a few others I've saved, plus a couple of silly ones that make me chuckle, which can be in short supply some days.  (The cat one may only be understood by the older among us, so I'll mention Pepe Le Pew as a reference.)

(p.s., To my fellow language geeks—you know who you are: I enjoy the one with the incorrect comparative vs superlative adjective so much that I don’t care.) ;-) 

 

[foreverhis]

About the "So beautiful" one above.  I just saw that last night, either on our local newspaper website or during my evening scroll through FB.  Either way, it struck me that it's 100% true, which brings me to a little Raleigh story.

During our first and most serious lockdown, I was having some pretty horrible days and nights--as were nearly all of us.  Raleigh hadn't been over for a visit for a couple of days and her dad was going to drop her off at lunch time.  I had washed up, but hadn't showered, washed my hair, shaved, or done much of anything else.  I had been puttering around the house in scruddy old clothes and my messy hair was pulled back into a ponytail.  Basically I looked like something the cat dragged in--and then discarded.

So my friend dropped off Raleigh, who came flying in the door so happy and playful.  I joked something like, "Good thing this girl doesn't care how I look--or smell."  He said something like, "She thinks you are beautiful and perfect no matter what.  Dogs know what's important."  I realized then that he was right.  Animals don't judge how we look or what clothes we wear or whether we smell "nice."  They love us just as we are and they always will. 

Which brings me to one last thought for now.  I've spent time on and off over the years hoping, praying even, that Charlie Bear and Penny have forgiven me for my failings and things I could or should have done better.  As hard as it often continues to be for me to forgive myself, I do believe that our beloved pets forgive us in the blink of an eye.  It is one of their many gifts to us.

[onlQQker]

On 2/7/2022 at 6:27 PM, magicmiriam said:

The love of my life, my reason for breathing passed away January 22, 2022 at 5:56am. He screamed out and his heart stopped, i tried doing CPR but he was gone in the blink of an eye.

It's been 16 days and i'm getting worse.

The first day i was in shock and just dealing with the cemetery and arrangements, it wasn't easy finding a cemetery on a saturday to bury him  in sub zero temperatures after a snow storm. We drove with his lifeless body for an hour, holding and hugging him. It felt like i was having an out of body experience. I still don't remember how we got there, i guess it was waze.  When we did get there, they walked us to the burial site, a hole in the ground had been dug up. We wrapped him in his favorite blanket and his favorite toy and laid him in the ground. I couldn't stop crying, I protected him from everything bad and now i had to lay him in the ground alone. They covered his little body with earth and i haven't been the same since. I will never be the same.

I can't eat , i can't sleep, i can't talk, i shower if i must and i just cry all day.

Tiny was more than my dog he was my baby.

My husband and i tried to have children for 6 years and after many treatments were told we can't have children.

That's when Tiny came into our lives 11 and a half years ago. He was the cutest chihuahua ,  completely hairless , so silky soft , like a baby.

He was so beautiful and with time i realized he was more beautiful on the inside, he was kind, patient, smart, funny, stubborn, he was amazing.

I ALWAYS FELT I GAVE BIRTH TO HIM.

I bathed him, i put cream on his body, dressed him, he loved it and so did i.

We were together all day, you couldn't separate us, we spoke with our eyes. He had the most beautiful brown eyes, human.

Then when he turned 6 he met my neighbors dog, a beautiful blonde chihuahua, they fell in love and Tiny became a dad. He was so happy. They had 4 babies, i kept 2 and she kept 2, we couldn't sell them.

Tiny's life changed and he was so happy, he had his 2 sons living with him and he taught them everything he knows.

At 7 he started having trouble walking, he had floating knee caps, it slowed him down a bit but he learned to live with it, always happy.

Then he turned 9 and developed syringomyelia , it's so painful and came on out of the blue, he got prednisone and was better but it causes weight gain which was hard on his knees

but he was a fighter and was happy.

Then at 10 he started getting cluster seizures, dozens a day, it was heartbreaking but the neurologist said there is no treatment for these seizures.

At 11 he was diagnosed with Grade B heart condition, MVD, they put him on Vetmedin and said to wait 6 months for his next ultrasound.

He died 5 month later from cardiac arrest, he was having a lot of trouble breathing but it all happened in minutes.

One second i'm holding him and the next he screamed and stopped breathing.

I feel dead, i feel guilty, i feel sick, i'm angry, i'm sad, i feel like dying so i can be with him.

His 2 sons saw the whole thing, it was so sad. They lay on their still father for 7 long hours. They licked him, they lay on him for hours, they cried a lot. The vet said it was smart to let them see him so they will know what happened and therefor less traumatic. They are so depressed, they wait for him by the door, they lost their dad. I know they know he passed but just like me they can't accept it.

When Tiny started getting sick i bought a mattress for the floor and slept with him till the day he passed. I stopped sleeping in the bed with my husband so i can make sure he's ok. He woke up often at night. My whole life was devoted to him. I don't know how to breathe without him.

I think of going to the cemetery and digging him out and bringing him home. I can't stop thinking he's under ground, it's killing me. The sound of him screaming right before his heart stopped keeps ringing in my ears.

I always remember this song

 

Your post has deeply affected me. I lost my 10 year old pug this morning on the vets operating table. 

This was only 12 hours ago now. 

I have no words, I'm in a mess and only just found this place after searching 'grieving forums' .

 

The only thing I do know is this day was going to come some time, I was just hoping it would not be for a few more years yet. The vet only discovered the problem yesterday, today he has gone.

All I know is my dog (pug) had as much love as was possible in his 10 years. He could of gone to somebody who did not worship him and not lived as long as he did. 

Your dog sounds equally as lucky to have found you and been by your side his whole life.

And I guess there are more dogs born daily who could have an equally brilliant life as what ours did. 

Sorry I don't have more words but I'm kind of struggling at this moment myself!

Take care 

[onlQQker]

 

 

[magicmiriam]

@onlQQker oh my God i'm so sad for you, it's still fresh. I wish i could tell you it gets better but it's been 2 months and a week since my Tiny passed away and i'm still a mess. The first few weeks i was in shock and denial. My heart goes out to you in a big way. There is nothing anyone can say i think in the beginning, you just take one minute at a time. What was his name? What happened? Why did he need surgery? I feel dizzy from your story, you never got to say goodbye.

The instrumental you posted made me cry. I feel the same when i listen to Pink Floyd's Marooned ,tears just flow.

We were both lucky to have met our soul mates i think but the hole they left in our soul is painful. I need him so bad, i miss him 24hrs a day.

This website helped me a lot, everybody here gets it, we all loved our pets like children if not more.

Hugs

[magicmiriam]

@Eternalsoul and @Mandy25 I haven't been online for a week now, my husband went away last Wednesday and i've been in my own little bubble.

Started drinking more, no one is there to stop me, i only now am beginning to understand that Tiny passed away , something inside me couldn't accept it. I kept believing it was all a big mistake and he would be there in the morning when i woke up but every morning i woke up and he wasn't there. How will i get through yet another day that feels like a year.

When my husband was home i would put on a happy face and cook and clean and watch movies,  act like i was getting better. Now i'm alone and i can watch videos of Tiny and look at his pictures over and over again, in my pajamas, having one drink after the other. I need to quit before he gets back in 3 weeks. 

I try to pray to God to please let me see Tiny when i pass away but how can i pray to this God that took him. It's all confusing to me. I love God~ I'm mad at God.

I know there is another world after this one and i will see Tiny again and it keeps me going. I just feel it's a long time to wait, i need him now.

I'll get better i'm sure,,,,, i must,,,,, for Tiny's kids.

@Mandy25 That picture of Petey is amazing, he's the cutest peanut ,,you can just eat him up.

 

[onlQQker]

4 hours ago, magicmiriam said:

@onlQQker oh my God i'm so sad for you, it's still fresh. I wish i could tell you it gets better but it's been 2 months and a week since my Tiny passed away and i'm still a mess. The first few weeks i was in shock and denial. My heart goes out to you in a big way. There is nothing anyone can say i think in the beginning, you just take one minute at a time. What was his name? What happened? Why did he need surgery? I feel dizzy from your story, you never got to say goodbye.

The instrumental you posted made me cry. I feel the same when i listen to Pink Floyd's Marooned ,tears just flow.

We were both lucky to have met our soul mates i think but the hole they left in our soul is painful. I need him so bad, i miss him 24hrs a day.

This website helped me a lot, everybody here gets it, we all loved our pets like children if not more.

Hugs

His name was Winston, he was taken ill after a bad cough which started around a year ago, he was treated through lockdown with medication but the vet could not see him physically because of restrictions.

They took him in for tests yesterday and said they had found something inside, they said about operating and I gave the go ahead. 

Then they rang and said it was serious cancer growth and just like that he was gone!

I'm just wandering around in limbo now...

Be careful with the drinking front, I got hooked to it for years and ended up with my whole life falling apart, I agree that it does kind of numb everything out, but it can also lead to the bottom of the pit where things get really dark.

 

I will listen to Pink Floyd's Marooned

 

Take care

[magicmiriam]

@onlQQker That's so sad about Winston. Poor little guy. Pug's eyes are so human, my friend had one. My heart really goes out to you.

Tiny also had breathing issues the last few weeks from his heart, it's so hard to see them struggle for air. I should have bought an oxygen chamber, i keep thinking about all the things i should have done. My baby trusted me and i failed him.

I just came home and it snowed today in Toronto, it's freezing. I keep thinking how he's in the freezing ground. I know he's not there but his little body is. I had a heating pad plugged in for him all day, he was always on it because he was always cold (hairless). Oooouuuufffff i will never get over this.

You're right about the alcohol i know. I never drank before Tiny's death, not even a glass of wine but after he passed i couldn't sleep so my husband suggested a glass of wine, i was knocked out. Now i can drink a bottle of vodka and just be tipsy, crazy. I did however promise him to stop, i will but have 3 weeks, i need it now.

How are you doing today? The house feels empty eh? Heart physically hurts. Where did you bury him?

I pray for all of us. I hope they are somewhere safe , having fun waiting for us.

[onlQQker]

Winston is buried in the back garden. I didn't know what to do, they're aren't many options, the vet said they cremate dogs there, but I didn't like that idea. I can't even go in the back garden at the moment. It's the worst time I have ever experienced and I don't know why it feels worse than everything else I have ever lost. I guess Winston just understood me, just the look in his eye could say everything. I'm having trouble finding the words so sorry if this comes over as rambling. 

He helped me to stop drinking, now I'm struggling major time but don't want to fall into the same pit again.  

I fully understand what you are saying, especially being buried outside in the cold, I to am thinking of all of the things I could of done, but sadly I never did. 

Guess somehow I thought he would outlive me, but even that sounds selfish writing it down in words because it would be the other way around for Winston if I had gone first.

 

 

[magicmiriam]

@onlQQker If you can get through this without drinking it's better, don't start.

I also started smoking cigarettes again, i stopped exercising and i  live on fast food. The complete opposite of who i was.

It's almost like i'm self destructing. I know i can't commit suicide or i won't see Tiny so i think in my sub continence i'm killing myself by living unhealthy. It sounds awful but i can't live without him.

I'm glad my husband is coming back and i will have to go back to normal , well a new normal. I don't want to lose him too, he's not impressed by my lifestyle right now. He's a professional athlete, everything revolves around health. I will stop drinking before he returns.

I also thought Tiny would live longer, he's a chihuahua mix, there is one in my neighborhood that is 21 for God sakes and has no health issues, most chihuahuas live at least to 15. I never thought he would die so young, he loved life. Just sitting in the sun was heaven to him, he loved the simple things in life and thought i was amazing. God i miss him so much. No one will ever love me the way he loved me, we were a match made in heaven.

At least Winston is buried close to you, i have to drive an hour to Tiny's grave. It kills me. I refused to have him cremated, i couldn't think of his little body on fire, not sure why. Now i'm tormented that he's cold solid in the ground.

Post  picture of Winston please

 

[Mandy25]

@onlQQkerI am so sorry you lost your sweet pug, Winston.  I also lost my 16 year old chi mix, Petey to cancer.  It’s been over 3 months and I still am drowning in grief and guilt over mistakes I made in the the last couple months of his life. He was so very special to me, just as I know Winston was to you. He was my baby and I miss him with all my heart and soul.  The vet said he would die, but I could not accept it and didn’t believe it to be true.  I thought that even 16 was too young for a chi mix to die. I thought he would at least live to 20. I did have him cremated, brought his ashes home, and made a little shrine for him. I believe we will see them again and that they are watching us.  I feel that Petey led me to adopt another chi mix 3 weeks ago, named Jack.  I was so depressed, I just wanted to die.  I was drinking more and not exercising.  I would just spend all day in my pajamas looking at my phone looking for all the things I did wrong and realizing how much I failed him in his last couple months.  I still cry and have nightmares, but Jack gives me a routine and a reason to get out of bed in the morning and get out of the house.  I adopted him in Petey’s honor. Jack is a previously abused dog, just like Petey was.  To see the progress Jack is making brings me joy and I think it makes Petey happy too.  

[Mandy25]

@magicmiriam Hopefully, this time you are spending grieving while your husband is away is cathartic.  Like you, I don’t think I will ever feel the same. I too, often times forget he is gone. I sometimes call Jack, Petey by mistake.  Life revolved around Petey for the 12 years I had him.  I wish I had gotten him when he was a puppy as I feel I missed out on his first 4 years and also then he would not have been abused. Both he and Jack were abused early in life which is just so horrifically sad. Tiny and his kids were so lucky that you were their mom from the start.  They only knew and know love and kindness. I know we will see them again.  They would want us to continue living and fulfill our life’s purpose until it’s time for us to leave  and join them.

[onlQQker]

I can't bring myself to even post a picture of him on here, I afraid that if I do then I wont come back because I will see him here and I'm having real trouble with all of this. 

 

I've never came to such a point in life as I have now.

I thought I was stronger than all this, but sadly it looks like I've just been living behind an illusion. 

I usually have words, but I can't find any. 

 

I'm completely lost, 

 

 

 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, onlQQker said:

It's the worst time I have ever experienced and I don't know why it feels worse than everything else I have ever lost.

I think for most of us that's true...because they are so sweet and loyal, better than most humans, they make us their study and want to please us, they're intuitive about how we're feeling!  Also they're part of our everyday lives and we have much interaction with them, we literally live for each other!  When they're gone all of those interactions that we're now missing become a trigger for our grief pain.  It's like we acquire a broken heart, never to be healed or whole again.  But I assure you it becomes more tolerable in time...much time.

My sisters gave me a book when he died, it was really good, https://www.google.com/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwjV_83NwfD2AhXhGa0GHV8hCrMYABAIGgJwdg&ae=2&sig=AOD64_1j3rD6PIJRvd5yR_rcZYikfaIp-w&ctype=5&q=&ved=2ahUKEwiuyr_NwfD2AhUVO30KHVsMDyoQ9aACegQIAhBK&adurl=

I read most of it but couldn't read the last chapter for months!  I knew what it would say.  Excellent book.  This guy definitely knew the love for his dog as we do.

[KayC]

28 minutes ago, onlQQker said:

I can't bring myself to even post a picture of him on here, I afraid that if I do then I wont come back because I will see him here and I'm having real trouble with all of this. 

It's okay (((hugs))), when you're more ready you can add one.  This is a long hard process but it does evolve...

I wrote this ten years after the loss of my husband, not just from my experience, but from the many others' experiences too (I've been on grief sites daily for nearly 17 years now)...when Arlie died and I got to the tip about getting a dog, it about killed me.  When you've lost your DOG!...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

I lost my close sister Peggy this week, we talked to each other every single day, shared everything about our lives, the one person I was really close to.  I can't help but feel if she'd just listened to us and quit smoking (furnished nicotine patches even) and eaten better, I was taking her food but she'd ignore it and eat sweets (was diabetic), she had a mini stroke and I gave her Bromelain to thin her blood a bit as she wouldn't go to the doctor, discovered after she died she never opened it.  I don't know how she died, possibly heart attack, possibly stroke, they wouldn't tell us what happened.

I urge you to quit smoking, eat healthy, and give up drinking (the one thing Peggy did quit!)...to spare your loved ones going through what you are going through now.  Trust me, it's unbearable.  Although she went the way she'd always hoped for (quick and at home), it's never a good time for those of us who are left behind...and we didn't expect it NOW!

[Eternalsoul]

@foreverhis

That is so special that you have that relationship with Raleigh. She sounds like such a blessing. That's So beautiful that your neighbors placed you in the will as her caretaker should anything occur. She's in good hands with you. You sound like you adore her. 

I am happy to hear that you had her during the lockdown. I am sure it saved you in many ways. That is so awesome that she stays with you, Haha. She's learning some great baking skills it seems, haha!

Oh yes it is definitely a good idea to wait for the kitchen remodel to be complete. Cats (especially kittens) can be very curious, which may lead them to trouble. I hope that you won't need shoulder surgery but if you do I hope you heal quickly and stronger. 

Yes! Charlie, Penny and John are all together waiting for you. I often wonder if what seems like a lifetime here is only one second there. 

I hope when you do decide to get a cat that she comforts you in many ways! 

 

I am happy that you have Raleigh to keep your heart company. They are so precious.

Ahhh, her 16 year old cat is in Heaven now. It's It's always hard when they cross over to the other side. 

I hope you are doing well today. I did not sign on because I was feeling sort of sad and had no energy. I try to be more positive but I miss my precious girl more and more everyday. 

 

 

[Eternalsoul]

@Mandy25

Hello, 

I had responded to you earlier today but right when I clicked the post button it redirected me to a page that said the site was unavailable. So, that's very lovely. Not!!! Haha. I was trying to respond to everyone. I was feeling blue and very low in energy so I didn't sign in. I go up and down like a rollercoaster without her but I'm keeping the Faith. 

Yes, Petey is watching over you. I do believe that he led you to Jack and even had a part in you choosing him specifically. There's a reason and a purpose for everything. 

I think that maybe our loved ones visit us in our dreams to let us know they are OK or to maybe even give us a message. I read that those deep in grief and negative emotions may have issues with receiving or understanding the signs from loved ones who made it to the other side. I've read that it's easier to reach to us through dreams in some cases. I believe that your mom was letting you know that she's OK! That's so beautiful. 

I try not to stay so low in bad emotions but someday I can't help but to cry for her most of the day. I went to the store a yesterday I heard a song and it reminded me of her so I just cried....

So super thankful for oversized sunglasses! I looked crazy wearing them inside stores I'm sure but I couldn't stop crying. I feel guilt still and I continue to apologize to her if she was in any way shape or form in any pain. I never meant for that. I know she's in a better place and I pray. I just feel bad. I love that girl so much. 

I'm not sure if I mentioned this but  Cocoa (who passed to Heaven unexpectedly at 11 years) visited me in a dream. It was months later. I was actually crying in my sleep. I was in a weird room I've never seen before and in walks a person with a bright light like the sun around their body. It was so bright I couldn't even see the face. I could only see the hands and the person presented my Cocoa to me. She looked the same but healthier and happier. It was really her. She even had green dewey grass on her. 

I woke up immediately and was so relieved! It was really Cocoa!!!!

I think that we are led to certain people in our lives through our guardian angels and God. It's up to us what we do. You mentioned your husband looked familiar. The eyes are the windows to the soul. You're meant to be. Like God created you for one another and you saw eachothers souls. Something like that...

I can't be too sure but that's a guess.

You're not rambling at all. Everything you said makes 100 percent sense! Everything is more real than we will ever imagine. We will know someday...

Petey is one of your soul mates and God placed you together. He's still with you. Don't ever doubt it. 

 

How's Jack doing? 

 

 

[Eternalsoul]

@KayC

How old was/is your sister?

I responded to your other post but once again I'd Iike to say that you're in my prayers.

I wonder why she never opened the bromelain. I know a lot of people would rather dive for a cinnamon bun rather than take a healthy supplement. You tried and she knows you tried to help.

I'm not sure who you're urging to quit smoking and drinking but yeah I guess some of us can tone down. I kept telling myself I'd stop but sometimes I just drink. 

Will they ever tell you the cause of her crossing over to the other side? I don't like to say dying because I don't believe we die. Our bodies do but never our souls. 

I am sorry to hear that you are going through that. It's awful for those of us left behind. It's only temporary. 

 

[Eternalsoul]

@magicmiriam

Hello,

I am happy for you that you're able to mourn and grieve in your own way without having to worry about judgement or upsetting others. It is a necessary part of this path. 

Tiny is with you watching over you while you honor him. 

I know what you mean about the drinking. I keep saying that I'll stop and that I'll exercise and do this and do that but there are just days that it is something I go to.

I am trying but life is not the same without them. I'm sure we all can agree on that. 

I know that I can stop at anytime I want. I'm not addicted. My body doesn't depend on it. But I think right now it's just what I want to do. That's fine with me. 

I miss her a lot. 

I pray to God everyday and every night to reunite me with them for all eternity. Like you, that keeps me going. 

I know you're mad at God. I think he understands. Just talk to him. Tiny is safe in Heaven. 

I am more mad at myself than anyone. 

But I will just keep my Faith in God. I refuse to ever stop. I'm still depressed and I miss her so much but God's promise gives me all the hope I need.

There's so much more to this life.

Don't ever lose hope or Faith!

 

@onlQQker

Hello,

I am so sorry to hear that your little baby has left his physical body. 

I'm not sure what your beliefs are but I believe your little baby is in Heaven.

 

[Eternalsoul]

This song is so perfect you guys. I hope you guys like it and find neaning in it the way I do. @magicmiriam @Mandy25@KayC @foreverhisand anyone else on this forum who wants to hear a beautiful song.  

 The "now that you're around me" to me means that they are with us in guardian angel form....

I hope you guys listen the lyrics are so beautiful and meaningful .

I dedicate this to my beautiful girl in Heaven.

I hope you can relate to it for your angels in Heaven, too. 

 

And I love you so

The people ask me how

How I've lived till now

I tell them I don't know

I guess they understand

How lonely life has been

But life began again

The day you took my hand

And yes I know how lonely life can be

Shadows follow me

The night won't set me free

But I don't let the evening get me down

Now that you're around me

And you love me too

Your thoughts are just for me

You set my spirit free

I'm happy that you do

The book of life is brief

Once the page is read

All but love is dead

This is my belief

And yes I know how lonely life can be

Shadows follow me

And the night won't set me free

But I don't let the evening get me down

Now that you're around me

[Eternalsoul]

[magicmiriam]

@onlQQker How are you doing today? I  have no words either. I also feel lost. I thought as time moved on it would get better but it hasn't. I expect o feel better in the morning but i don't. I'm trying to get better but part of me feels closer to Tiny if i'm grieving. I cry less but i have become someone else, someone sad, someone cold, someone i don't recognize. I will not be the same person because i was Miriam/Tiny and now i'm just Miriam. Still drinking, i must or i won't be able to take care of his kids, i would just be under the covers. I think about you, it just happened, the first week is shocking, i threw up from the shock.

@Eternalsoul It's nice to hear from you, like me you were in your own little sorrow bubble. MIA ,,,I also wear dark glasses out, i never know when the tears will flow.

Since my husband left i've been looking for the surveillance file of Tiny's last day and his cardiac arrest, my husband hid it somewhere on the computer, he thinks i have post trauma and doesn't want me to see it, i'm spending a lot of time looking for it, we have 3 computers, it's got to be on one of them unless he put it on a key. I must find it and see what happened. I remember but i don't remember. I'm losing my mind, i feel i must see it.

[Eternalsoul]

@magicmiriam

It's nice to hear from you, too.Yes, I go into my sorrow bubble quite often. I think I have ptsd like you, too. I drank last night and barely got any sleep. I miss my little baby so much. I get mad and sad and then I have days it isn't so bad but then out if nowhere on that day I'll just feel regret and loneliness. I'm not lonely but it's lonely without her. I feel our family was ripped apart. 

I think I'm going crazy. I was sitting outside last night and my motion lights were going on and I was thinking it was my little baby in spirit form. I miss her a lot. 

I feel like everything is different.. I'm angry. I even took my anger out on a few people....... not excessively but just kinda told them off. They were speeding on the road and I told them off that they could end up killing a dog, cat or person on the road. 

But I say it's God's will. I just will try to stay sober tomorrow. See if that helps. I'll try to keep my mind and body busy. 

When my beautful girl was passing to heaven I almost recorded her but I said no this is something I won't want to watch on camera... maybe.

I watched her and held her as she crossed over and I will never get those moments out of my mind.

Are you sure you'd be able to handle watching that right now? For me, I think it would just tear me apart right now when it's too soon. Maybe you should wait. I don't want to boss you around OK. I just think it will open so much more wounds. Tiny would not want you to be even worse off. Nor would his kids. 

We are already messes to begin with. This is devastating for all of us. I don't want to intervene or tell you what's best but maybe wait... idk. 

I miss her so effing much. It's so much to bare. 

I cry and get angry and then have days of hope. 

I don't even want to be around people because I keep thinking how I should have honored her more while she was here and if she were here I'd tell all these people in my daily IN PERSON life to eff off. I know that sounds harsh but it's hard. 

I'd rather see her than these people. I miss her so much. I kiss her pictures. A cruel reality. 

I just didn't get much sleep and my emotions are everywhere. 

Life isn't the same. 

Maybe Tiny told your husband to hide it until you're 100 percent ready. Are you sure you can handle that? Please don't take offense I'm just trying to help. 

Please stay strong for Tiny and his kids. 

 

 

[Eternalsoul]

[Eternalsoul]

I miss her so much. 

[Eternalsoul]

[Eternalsoul]

Sorry for all the pictures. I just miss her so much and I'm sure anyone reading this will understand. 

[Mandy25]

@EternalsoulI loved the Elvis song and the quotes.  They made me cry.  I too still feel so sad and guilty and think about Petey all the time. I still talk to him and I believe he hears me.  I’m so happy that Cocoa visited you. It is so wonderful to get to spend that little bit of time with the ones we love.  Petey has not visited me yet.  I still say good night and I love you every night to him just as I did every night when he was alive.  Jack is doing ok.  He is a very sweet dog. I’m his favorite person but he is warming up to my husband now.  I think it most likely was a man that abused him in the past.  He has a lot of fear issues and I made an appointment for a dog behaviorist to come and help me help him to become more secure.  If it wasn’t for my husband and Jack, I don’t think I would still be here.  I thank God for them every day and also for the time I had with Petey.  Petey almost died 3 years ago and I am so thankful I got to have the extra time with him.

[Mandy25]

@magicmiriam I agree with Eternalsoul that it probably would make you feel worse to watch the surveillance file of Tiny passing. Wouldn’t it be like reliving the whole event over again?  Would you, being in such a fragile state, be able to handle it?  I have Petey’s passing imprinted in my brain and wish I could erase that memory because it is just so horrible. I wish I hadn’t been in the room as I don’t like that my last memory of him was his death.  The memory of the last two days before that is bad enough.  I had to be there though because I wouldn’t want him to pass without both his Mom and Dad there. Please rethink your decision to view the file.  I worry what it might do to you.

[KayC]

On 4/1/2022 at 5:50 PM, Eternalsoul said:

How old was/is your sister?

She would have been 78 April 16th, instead cleaning out her house.    Two things I'd encourage after this experience (it was bad, food going back to 1978 and tons of dust/filth!) 
1) Throw something away every day.
2) Use your good towels!

I speak this to myself first and foremost.  I wish there was somewhere to donate to!  My hands aren't up to a garage sale but I could donate a box of stuff every time I go into Oakridge, if only St. Vinny's accepted donations here, but they haven't since Covid.  I'm so tired of everyone using Covid as an excuse for everything.

On 4/1/2022 at 5:50 PM, Eternalsoul said:

I'm not sure who you're urging to quit smoking and drinking

No particular person, all grievers in general...thankfully Peggy quit drinking but the bad diet and sedentary lifestyle got her in the end, you have no idea how much people would miss you if you died.  My heart is broken, she's been there all my life, I'm turning 70 this year.  Everyone loved her.  Neighbors are grieving, friends are heartbroken, and family has a missing place inside of them the rest of our lives.  She loved animals.  I got the pictures of Polly, her dog, and took home with me, I didn't want them thrown away by people who didn't realize how much she meant to Peggy (she's been gone several years now), I'm the only family who knew Polly.  I think Peggy would appreciate my  rescuing them.

I've been at her house very day for a week, I'm so exhausted!  I didn't go to church yesterday, just couldn't.  I hadn't had anything decent to eat in a week, I needed to make some soup, my veggies were going to go bad if I didn't.  Turned out really good!  And I fixed some turnips and eggs and pork last night, also really good.  Good BS this morning.

On 4/1/2022 at 5:50 PM, Eternalsoul said:

Will they ever tell you the cause of her crossing over to the other side?

No.  They aren't doing an autopsy, which could have been helpful to the family, my guess is either heart or stroke, both run in the family as well as dementia.  I'm doing my best to head off both, I don't want my kids going through what I have.  She had Diabetes, COPD, very overweight, very sedentary.  If it was a stroke the Bromelain could have prevented it, she had a mini stroke (warning) a few months ago, that's why I gave it to her, it thins your blood (she couldn't take aspirin, allergic to Nsaids) but some tell me she didn't want to live although she seemed content and positive attitude, she recently went off antidepressants after 29 years of it.

I can't believe you posted yesterday!  I tried yesterday AND last night, nope, down for upgrade!

 

[Eternalsoul]

@Mandy25

I am so happy you got that extra time with Petey, too. I am glad that Jack is lightening up to your husband. It's a shame that there's even such a thing as animal abuse. How could people be so cruel..... it is utterly disgusting.

I know what you mean about talking to Petey... I talk to her everyday. I PRAY THEY ARE LISTENING TO US SND SMILING. PLEASE GOD!! PLEASE. 

I cry out and tell her that I'm sorry everyday. It's so empty here without her. I feel I should have cherished everything more. I miss her so much. It's like a nightmare at times. How am I going to live this life without her. It seems like an eternity. You have your husband and Jack. I have my animals that I must take care of. I love them too but oh my gosh there's a huge emptiness here. I had so much plans for her. Right now she'd be cleaning herself and staring out at the butterflies. I'd be happy. Everything would be right in the world. 

Please God protect them. Please let us reunite with our little babies. 

Today is day 2 that I have not drank. I drank everyday since she went to Heaven. Nothing was able to take the pain away not even alcohol. 

This isn't fair to be left behind without them. But this is life. As long as she's safe, happy, and in eternal paradise and knows that I love her I'm happy for her. I wish I could just have one minute to see her and hear her tell me she's waiting for me. 

I prayed for Petey too. I asked God to protect him until you reunite and that you'd get a sign someday. I hope you do. I hope we all get signs everyday. 

I feel like desperate for her. I miss her. I hope she still knows and feels my love for her. Please God. 

I'll go play her some music now. I tell her that the songs are for her. I hold her favorite bed and cry in it. I wish this was just all not real. Perhaps when we cross over we will realize that it never was real and their never was a separation. 

I love her so. I'm glad you like the song and quotes. 

Stay strong on this difficult path. 

[Eternalsoul]

@Mandy25

@magicmiriam

@KayC

@foreverhis

 

[Eternalsoul]

Here's another one it's uplifting. 

@KayC I'll respond soon. I don't like giving half @ss comments. I'll be back to respond. I have to clean and I find doing any task is extremely difficult. 

 

 

[KayC]

@magicmiriam Your thoughtfulness is so appreciated!  Kodie's coat fits perfectly!  I'm amazed it all arrived the day Peggy died, like someone knew I'd need uplifting right about then...

[Eternalsoul]

@KayC

I am glad that Kodie is being a trooper in all of this. He must sense your feeling low. I pray for you and your pets ( in Heaven and Kodie on Earth.) That is so cool that @magicmiriamgot Kodie a jacket. It's so amazing to uplift others even when we are down. I'm so happy that it lifted your spirits. You deserve it. You are here for so many of us. An angel on Earth. I'm so glad God led me to this site. I fear what would have happened if I didn't. I think all of you have helped me tremendously. I hope I do the same. At least just a tad. 

Unfortunately this is something we all will have to go through. However, it makes me feel better to know that the end of our ohysical bodies is just the beginning.

That's very thoughtful of you to give her bromelain. Is that extracted from pineapple? I'm actually addicted to pineapple juice for some reason. I drink it everyday nearly. 

I had some grapefruit juice yesterday and today because I'm "cleansing" myself from 38 days straight of drinking nonstop like a pirate. No, I am not quitting but I'm just taking a short break. I do not intend to quit drinking but I do intend to stop drinking everyday. Prior to my cat going to Heaven I'd have the occasional drink with others or to unwind from a hectic day. It was never as bad as what I was doing recently. I was having a party for her everyday. As I like to call it........ i know it sounds weird but maybe I was trying to run from the pain but it never stopped it. I was in a way celebrating her making it to Heaven but also drinking to grieve and to connect with her. If that makes sense.... I can connect with her either way. Sober or drunk. I made a vow to pray everyday and every night and I'll always ask God to tell them to wait for me together. It makes me feel better and they know I haven't forgotten them. I told them to please wait for me together ( my pets in Heaven.) I've also started explaining to these ones that we all are going to die. 

I'm still grieving. I will miss her everyday until reunited. 

Wow, I can't believe she has food from 1978. Maybe it's a collector version of food? Yes, I agree. We shouldn't save things for a special occasion because everyday IS a special occasion. 

I'm tired of Covid being used as an excuse, too. I mean there are ways we can protect ourselves...... if you can buy clothes at a store you should be able to donate things. They can isolate each donation for a week. Big deal. 

Yes, Peggy is definitely happy you took those photos. Maybe you can write on the back of them an explanation of who her Polly is. Perhaps you can frame it to honor her and Polly. I hope they are together now!! How beautiful. 

I know a lot of people who don't take their health seriously. I've been one of them lately. I guess deep inside I was so sad that I was trying to speed up the process but I can't go just yet. I have these ones to look after. I'm still incredibly sad but I can't be a selfish coward and abandon my other loves. As we all know life seems like it last forever but in a blink of an eye it's over. We will look back and say wow that was so fast. Isn't that funny? 

When we are in sorrow time goes by so slow but once it's our time it will have seemed like a brief moment and then we will reunite with our loved ones. 

Thank you for your advice to all of us to tone the drinking down and to take our health seriously. I wouldn't  be missed by anyone but my pets.. maybe my dad and BF... but that's it. I'm not really social. Haha. I hope I don't go before my pets though. 

I'm the type to just listen to music, read, spend time in nature and with my animals. I find that most people are just too "consumed" in things that I'm not interested in. I'm really into animals and nature. Also, my relationship with God now. 

I'm not looking down on them but I'm set in my ways and I prefer what I prefer. 

That's good that you're veggies didn't go to waste. I too have been eating pretty poorly. I was drinking and eating home baked cookies everyday. Oh well. 

I still have no appetite. 

That's heartbreaking to hear that she didn't want to live. I can sort of understand that. Life can be extremely sad and overwhelming. When I'm really sad I just play Elvis gospel or walk my dogs or sit outside. She had you though and that's what matters. 

I can't cry to my dad or bf anymore. They aren't interested. They just care about basketball or wrestling. Haha oh well. 

How are you coping with all of this? 

God Bless you. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[foreverhis]

On 4/1/2022 at 9:15 AM, Eternalsoul said:

That is so special that you have that relationship with Raleigh. She sounds like such a blessing. That's So beautiful that your neighbors placed you in the will as her caretaker should anything occur. She's in good hands with you. You sound like you adore her. 

I am happy to hear that you had her during the lockdown. I am sure it saved you in many ways. That is so awesome that she stays with you, Haha. She's learning some great baking skills it seems, haha!

I consider myself so lucky in my friends, including Raleigh.  She has been an absolute blessing and lifesaver over the past 3 years, especially during the pandemic.  I do adore her as she adores me.  When my friends asked me, I was so honored.  I asked if they were sure, if Raleigh shouldn't stay in the family (like with his sister).  They said that we are family.

I asked my doctor one time if it was my imagination/wishful thinking or if she really was the reason I was taking less of my anti-anxiety medication.  He said it's not my imagination.  I'm positive now that it's true.

When I arrived home last night from a weekend at a family wedding and short visit with my sister and BIL, her dad was coming over to pick up dinner (long story about a killer hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant we stop at when coming back from the Bay Area).  He brought Raleigh with him.  She came flying at me, leaping and dancing, "Annie!  My Annie is home!"  I picked her up and held her close while her dad looked on smiling.  Her love is a balm for my often troubled heart and soul.  She raced into the house while we sorted things out and talked for a few minutes.  We usually have Sunday together, so we hadn't seen each other for 5 days. I have her tomorrow; it will be a good day.

Yes, definitely Raleigh "helps" with baking by sitting in the entrance to the kitchen and watching over us, making sure we know she is there.  She loves bread, so we give her teeny "crumbs" from each loaf.  In her mind, that's the same as giving her the whole thing.  It's so fun to all be together again.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

That's very thoughtful of you to give her bromelain. Is that extracted from pineapple?

Yes (I can't drink the juice because of diabetes...In addition to thinning the blood, here's the benefits: https://www.medicinenet.com/what_is_bromelain_good_for/article.htm

12 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

Maybe it's a collector version of food?

  No, it's someone who doesn't like housework and never cleans anything out. 

12 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

We shouldn't save things for a special occasion

I posted on FB I learned two things in this, 

1. Throw something away every day
2. Use your good towels

I took two of her sets home to use because mine are worn out rags.  I'd rather she got use out of them but she preferred bath sheets, they don't fit on my towel bars and I don't need anything that big.  But lesson learned, we all have things we "save for good."  That day may never come, use them now.  Today we're alive, we don't any of us know how long we have.   I didn't expect my husband's death and I didn't expect my sisters' deaths.

13 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

They can isolate each donation for a week.

We're in a mask free state right now so I see no reason they can't take donations.  It's ridiculous, they always did before!

13 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

That's heartbreaking to hear that she didn't want to live.

She got depressed when her job was cut 29 years ago, she sat in her chair ever since.  She just recently went off antidepressants she'd been on all those years.  Wonder if that had any bearing.  The doctor took her off in a phone visit (never saw her).

@foreverhis I'm glad you'll have Raleigh today!

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

But lesson learned, we all have things we "save for good."  That day may never come, use them now.  Today we're alive, we don't any of us know how long we have.

I'm coming to that same mindset.  I don't use my grandmother's china because, well, I inherited it, but the style is just not me.  However, I have been taking out "that's so nice, let's save it" items and started using them.

For instance, about 5 years ago our sister-by-choice gave us a beautiful set of Mikasa etched glass-crystal stemless wine glasses.  "Oh, they are so special," I said and put them away because I was afraid I might break one.  I didn't give them much thought until about 18 months after John died.  I was just really getting back out into the world a tiny step at a time.  Friends were going to come over for wine and a nosh.  I had a sudden thought--who knows, maybe John sent it to me--that I should go get those glasses, wash them, and use them every darn day.  If I or someone else broke one, so what?  What good were they doing in a box in the closet?  Our sister gave them to us to enjoy, so I was darn well going to do just that.  Now, they are in the same cupboard as the every day (though nice) glasses for water, juice, etc.  And I use one for my nightly glass of wine.  And I smile every time I pull one out of the cupboard, look at the individual etching (each design is different), and pour my 4 oz of wine into it.

I cherished John and still do, but I took for granted that we'd have more time.  I don't take time for granted now.