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I want to dig up my baby out of his grave


magicmiriam

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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam Also, yes I don't want to participate in life either. It was gloomy and so cold yesterday. New Mexico is very strange with its weather. One day it's hot the next it is freezing. 

No matter the weather she was always content with staring out the windows. Maybe you can think of Tiny and see if there is something he was trying to teach you. I do believe they were placed with us for a reason. 

 

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Eternalsoul
 
rose for epona  lyrics:
Do you feel the thorns?
Do you see the tears?
Do you see the bloodshed in this fell war?
Have you forsaken us?
Have you forgotten our faithful men calling your name?
While I stand before you
While we perish
While I lay down a crimson rose
While holding hands are forced apart
While hopes bog like condemned men
Were you there?
The sky is falling on me
As your hand's turning old and weak
I'm giving myself up to thee
A futile sacrifice gone sere
In your nemeton
These grey stone walls are cold and silent
As the fallen mother gone deaf
Mistress of shattered hopes
And forever broken dreams
Were you there?
The sky is falling on me
As your hand's turning old and weak
I'm giving myself up to thee
A futile sacrifice gone sere
Epo, Epo, why has thou forsaken me?
Together we go unsung
Into thy hand I commend my spirit
Together we go down with our people
Were you there?
Were you there?
The sky is falling on me
As your hand's turning old and weak
I'm giving myself up to thee
A futile sacrifice gone sere
Falling on me
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magicmiriam

@Eternalsoul The first video is funny, i never get that drunk either but close enough lately. The other videos are great.

I have his kids which i love so much, Tiny loves them too, i spend a lot more time with them now and we're bonding even more. They are amazing too. No one can be Tiny but they are the closest things, they look like him and possess so many of his traits since he raised them. All 3 of us grieve Tiny, we look into each other's eyes and we know but i don't let them sink, i throw them a ball, take them out, play with them, i keep their mind busy. I wonder if they can see things i can't. I want to call out his name like you do but they will freak out. I scream his name in the car. 

Ya i've become more spiritual for sure, it's the only thing keeping me going knowing that we will one day reunite for eternity and i will never let him go.

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Eternalsoul

That's great. I'm glad that you are bonding with them. I'm sure that makes Tiny proud. It also makes them happy. You are everything to them and they need you. 

I call out her name to the clouds and sky. I feel she can hear me. I do think they can see things that we can't.  They always seem to stare off into the distance. They seem more in tune with life. They have more senses than us. 

Same. Each day I remind myself that I'll see and hold her again. I miss her so. True love never dies. 

41JaET72HoL.jpg.94f5b5acf5d4300e3a32d0e070342699.jpg1616731359-my-forever-pet-100619253455.jpeg.19dd00541a6270a6d3fe211720e26bc3.jpeg59ff1937415deef3a4c241dc836342fa--pet-loss-quotes-poems.jpg.8729b5526989f9752763f493af280fed.jpgsweet-i-miss-you-quotes.jpg.775d869accdbbaea165b55cde21229ea.jpg7729c7f1700db5ba11aa72743a066caa.jpg.7ded77ab1082e60222d3577a261153eb.jpg75834e0cddccee23e121d5ab6315850e.jpg.0acec5be2f7b4e8680ea99db496f19ca.jpg64830386f30156444531ddb93f0d286d.jpg.6ee8d9a62164d6085b6f0a96b01e93b9.jpg88b97129485f0b3611c89fce10cf6881.jpg.88479e65b2280fe52cdc69e23cb3a02f.jpg

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magicmiriam

@Eternalsoul The posts above are amazing. Even though i know i will see him in the afterlife i still need him here. It gives me peace knowing one day i will hug him and never let go but it seems so far away. I still feel intense shock, disbelief and in denial. Doing regular things like getting out of bed causes me sadness. I still feel guilt that i failed Tiny as his protector. I find myself angry and bitter and snap easily. I just feel it's unfair and beg God to release me from the pain so i can be with Tiny. I started believing more in God but also find myself questioning faith. I have mixed emotions to say the least. I've cried for many things in my life. Loss of a friendship, a lover, a job ,physical pain, a few years ago a lawyer even stole $640K from me and i cried but all those tears were different. The kind of crying i experience with Tiny's death is crippling, it hurts, the tears flow without control at the oddest times and in the weirdest places. The pain will never go away  because pieces of me became pieces of Tiny and pieces of Tiny became me.

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23 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

I understand that it is dangerous to leave dogs outside unattended.

I live in probably the safest place in the world, a wonderful country setting with a great community of neighbors who look out for each other...I worry more about dognapping when I leave him in the car at the grocery store in the city 50 miles away.  Here you can't come/go w/o a neighbor seeing you and they all look out for me.  However, being in the country there are different kinds of predators...wild animals.  If he were to get out of the fence, it could be very dangerous!  And he can dig  a lot very quickly.  That's why I leave him in the house.  I do have a pen I could put him in but if he dug his way out of the pen and then out of the fence, it'd be the same scenario.  Arlie wasn't a digger.  He got up to 140 lbs at his highest...he tried to dig his way out one time, thought "This is way too much work for my girth!" and never dug again! :D

I love all of the beautiful pictures and quotes you all have posted here, amazing!

1 hour ago, magicmiriam said:

Even though i know i will see him in the afterlife i still need him here.

They are not here in the same way as before, but maybe just maybe they are with us in spirit...

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magicmiriam

@KayC You know even though i live in the city there are always warning on keeping dogs on leashes because of cayotes . You're so lucky to live away from the city i'm jealous.

Before Tiny passed away i started looking at places to live off grid where i can have animals and plant my own food. I was looking at Spain, Italy, Australia, New Zealand. I just wanted him to have some country air. Now i feel stiff like i can't move plus this house is where i last saw Tiny and i can't bring myself to leave. My husband said to wait and i will feel different. Even if i feel different i wouldn't leave his body here. I called airlines to find out if i can fly a dog's body to another country, they do it for humans but they said no. I looked online and couldn't find a way to fly a deceased dog. So weird. Anyway i won't leave him here. I know it sounds crazy.

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@magicmiriam

Don't feel bad. There are moments that I too struggle with Faith. I'm trying my hardest to keep the Faith no matter how sad I am. I have my other pets and I do love them but this house is so empty without her. I lay in bed in the morning and think of all the things she would be doing. This is crippling for me, too. I hear my pets running and for a second I forget she passed ( I think it is her) but then my mind reminds me. It's a cruel joke that my mind plays on me.

Waking up and being positive for the day is my struggle right now. Everything feels like a dream to me..... like it's not real. I guess that could be similar to shock. I can't believe nor can I accept it. My days and nights pass so slowly. This song explains it:

 

I too blame myself. She was recovering from the attack. It wasn't really an attack but she was older and maybe it was too much. Maybe it was internal. I'll never forgive myself. But she was getting better (so I thought) and I keep blaming myself that maybe I didn't do enough. She came down with a bad cold after the attack. She always had (manageable) breathing issues and this made it worse. She got the correct medicine for that and it went away. But she kept throwing up her food and water but she got better. She was eating the syringe food but then out of nowhere just went downhill. I can't help but to think if someone gave her human medicine without telling me. I have so many thoughts. I told them that those medicines were toxic. I can't really say. I'm over analyzing EVERYTHING. EVERY POSSIBILITY. It is eating away at me. 

I really don't know how old she was because I forget which year it was that I found her in the box as a kitten. She could have been a little older. But I wish she could have stayed with me at least 10 more years. She was always so kind and sensitive. I will never be as beautiful as her soul. 

From reading your story I don't believe you let Tiny down. We can do everything but we can't stop death. When it's our time it's our time. I have to keep telling myself this because I'm going crazy with guilt.

I believe that you'll see him and hold him again. Don't ever think otherwise. We have to keep Faith in the darkest moments. Perhaps that is one of the greatest tests...  

I keep saying that she should be here. This is like a nightmare. I have to be strong though. There's no other option. I won't ever let my other pets down. I'll tough it out for them. Even if I feel dead I will continue. I wouldn't want to disappoint my cat or God by taking the easy way out. If I could survive losing her physical touch than I can survive anything. None of us will be in our physical bodies forever. 

I like to think of it as I have someone watching out for me now. As @KayChas mentioned.... they are with us in spirit. I just feel so strongly that she's with me but then I get weak and have negative thoughts. That's the brain. Sometimes we have to search within our souls. Not our brains. If that makes sense..... our brains can deceive and confuse us but our souls will NEVER lie!

We are not a body with a soul. We are a soul within a body. We are our souls but people lose themselves within their brains. I hope this makes sense. It's a struggle of ego and soul. One of the greatest battles we will ever have. 

I sound dramatic I know. 

You do not sound crazy for not wanting to leave his body behind. I'm sure if there's a will there's a way. I totally know what you mean..

I also keep saying "tomorrow I won't drink" but it sort of happens. It mellows me out. It doesn't stop the pain though. 

I don't know how I'll be brave without her physical touch but I will keep the FAITH that she's here spiritually checking up on me. I pray that there is a better place where we all will be joyful with our lived ones. All I want in this life is to be with them in eternal paradise. 

I haven't even been eating healthy either. I'll eat a piece of bread and that's it. I have no urge to eat the way I did before.  I might make some cookies later. 

They are with us. I know it. I wouldn't lie. I am incredibly blunt and I have always spoken my mind. I just KNOW we will see them and hold them. Every single one of us on here who are feeling sadness. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Eternalsoul

@KayC

That is so awesome that you and your neighbors look out for each other. That's so beautiful. 

I have to be careful with my dogs because I just don't trust people anymore. I have cameras and fences. I'm not in a bad area but I'm just very protective. 

Haha, that's hilarious that Arlie realized that. I have a pen for my cats who go outside and I surrounded it with bricks and pavers on both sides. They can be quite the little rascals. A cat actually dug her way out one day. She must have been digging for days prior. 

Yep. Living in the country there's plenty of wildlife and it's just wise to bring them in when not home. I couldn't agree anymore! 

 

@KayC I'm sure that Kodie appreciates you protecting him. Plus, it's nice to relax inside. 

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magicmiriam

@Eternalsoul I honestly think you did the best for your cat. I got to know you a bit through your posts and i'm sure you have a big heart and even a bigger soul and that you didn't leave any T's uncrossed. You did everything for her. What's her name by the way, i scrolled up but couldn't find it. Where would she have gotten human medicine? Who would have given it to her? I think i should not have taken Tiny to the emergency, he went downhill from there. I think maybe they gave him too many diuretics, i don't know. I'm still analyzing his medical file. I want to pay someone to go through it too. My husband said to stop, i'm driving myself crazy and nothing will bring him back. Like you, i'm over analyzing everything but you have no idea. I overthink everything and in my head it's always my fault. He was innocent and he counted on me. In the morning when i wake up, i take a big sigh and say to myself, here we go again, try to live another day without Tiny.

I know what you mean about drinking, it numbs me but i'm still sad but i need something or time moves backwards. I'll never fall asleep, i might start smoking weed again not sure, took me ages to stop. I used to eat healthy, very but now all i only crave carbs , sweets and alcohol, great eh. My husband can't watch, he's a health freak. I stopped going to the gym. I find myself cleaning a lot. Today i made my lemon vinegar cleaner. I only clean with Vinegar but i add lemon peels to the vinegar and leave it a glass bottle for a week, strain out the lemons and then fill spray bottles with it. I know weird but i hate chemicals. That's just the tip of the iceberg lol.

I agree that we are a soul with a body. This body is like clothing on a soul. It comes off when your body dies like a piece of clothing but your soul lives on. I believe , i believe and sometimes i question everything. I'm trying to be strong really. My husband sais your brain is above your heart for a reason but i use my heart before i use my brain. I know he passed and life is for the living but i hate living without him. I would never take my life because God will punish me and not let me see him so i must suffer for now.

I also believe we will see them and hold them, it keeps me going.

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1 hour ago, Eternalsoul said:

That is so awesome that you and your neighbors look out for each other. That's so beautiful. 

It really is.  I'm lucky in that way too.  When John and I moved here from the Bay Area, I wasn't sure how I'd adapt to small town life (our community is about 14,000 with the nearest city of 45,000).  I grew to love it.  And though the community where we bought our house was our second choice, I'm so glad for it now.  Our little neighborhood enclave is full of wonderful people who look out for each other.  Because we're agricultural and semi-rural, we have lots of wildlife.  I can't imagine moving back to the Bay Area or any big city.  The predators out here are different, but at least they are only acting on instinct, not intention.

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12 hours ago, foreverhis said:

The predators out here are different, but at least they are only acting on instinct, not intention.

Exactly.  Even down in Oakridge (mailing address but way out of boundary) there are drug addicts that steal from anyone...I'm glad I'm up here even though there's winter hardships and summer fire threats.  And no political bickering. ;)  I love Oakridge but glad to be in the country. 

 

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magicmiriam

You never said I'm leaving. You never said Goodbye. You were gone before i knew it. And only God knows why.

A million times I've needed you. A million times I've cried. If love alone could have saved you. You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly. In death I love you still. In my heart you hold a place no one else can fill.

It broke my heart to lose you. But you didn't go alone. 

Part of me went with you. The day God took you home.

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@magicmiriam

Her name is 'Zraela for short. She is my beautiful blessing. I'd never do anything to hurt any of them. I put all of my animals before me. 

I know you love Tiny. He loves you, too. You took him to the vet to help him. 

I do have an idea how you may feel. It may not be exact but trust me I rethink everything over and over and over. I love laying down where she died. I feel close to her. That sounds creepy I know but she is my angel and so dear to me. I kept the towel she threw up on before passing away. I don't care if it's gross to others. I kept the sheet she passed away on. I put them in bags. I miss her so much I feel dead but I know I'm alive because I feel so much for her, which in a way is a beautiful sorrow. 

I think no matter what we do or no matter how much we hear that it wasn't our fault(s) we will always feel to blame. The doctors notes may not even ever give you comfort. We will know when we ask them soul to soul. I hope that when I ask her we both laugh it off because we are finally together. 

This morning I made a list in my mind of all the things I should have done. A list of things I should have bought to help her get stronger. A routine I should have stuck to. Then I have to remind myself that she's no longer in her body and I can't do that anymore. It kills me over and over again. One day the same will happen with me. I long for the day we reunite but for now I will do my best for these gremlins. Like you say... I too will suffer without her until we meet again. 

I too wonder if she was given too much fluids or not enough fluids. If I just knew all the things I knew now then she'd be here I keep saying. It's actually tormenting me. This is torture. If hell is real suffering than it would be living with this feeling and these thoughts for all of eternity.

This is why I must keep the Faith. I must be a good soul. I must do good for the innocent. I must live to make God proud.

Missing her forever would be my hell. Holding her forever will be my Heaven.

I mean sure I'd like to place her down a few times so I can walk around Heaven or float but I want to be with her and my other pets forever. 

I want to hold her again so I will do my best to walk the path of righteousness. I sound like a hypocrite 'cause I drink but nobody is perfect. Jesus prayed and saved the sinners. My dad said Jesus came to save to the sinners not the people who already walk the path. Something like that...

I wanted her to be with me until my forties. She was taken so quickly from me it seems. I go off the deep end and wonder if I wasn't a good person and if God punished me. If it was not for this site or for my boyfriend I wouldn't have the positive thoughts that I have about her dying for a better purpose. I'm so thankful I found this site. 

We all are going to die. That sounds so gloomy I know. I keep telling myself this because she wasn't going to live forever in her fur body. None if us live in these bodies forever. 

As far as the human medicine I was wondering if maybe my mom or sister were trying to help by giving her a baby aspirin. She seemed to be coming back strong and aware but out of nowhere just went downhill. They were here the day of the attack and the week my baby passed away. I just keep replaying it all. My sister could have told her to do it. I'm not sure. 

My boyfriend is the one who mentioned this because my mom used to tell me to give my pets aspirin if they were sick and I responded that it was toxic. It is really hard to say because she would never admit it. 

I don't really like people around my pets unsupervised. I'm very overprotective of them. The day she was attacked people were here (including my mom) and they were in bad moods. I think it really stressed my dog out. The house is usually peaceful when its just us. That day was busy and nonstop foot traffic. My mom was in a bad mood and I escorted her out and I returned to witness my dog pushing my cat around. I was outside two minutes tops. They grew up together from pup and kitten. I never expected that. I feel to blame for allowing negativity in my house. 

It was my job to protect her but I never saw that coming. Now I'll never allow anyone in who is in a bad mood. They won't be allowed near my pets. Thats for sure.

I over analyze it all. Every minor detail. I'm so alone without her. My other cat is cuddling me. I rescued him from the pound years ago and he's never cuddled me ever. He was close to her. He's never been loving until now. He has never ever layed with me. 

I told my mom and dad that I love her more than them. My dad understands. He's a dog man. He never got another one again because he said the pain was too much when losing them. They know I've always loved animals. I'd always rescue animals in need. 

My boyfriend understands, too. I told him I love her more than all of them. Love is love. If anyone says oh it's just a cat or its just a dog than they don't know the meaning of true love. My boyfriend has been very supportive and I love him a little bit more now but nobody compares to her..

So, losing her physically... I lost a mom, a sister, a child, a grandma, a friend, a furry cuddle ball.... a paw to hold when sad.....a purr monster..... but I have gained a soulmate and an angel waiting for me in Heaven.

 

You've gained a soulmate and an angel waiting for you in Heaven. The body perishes but the soul never dies. I know. I have faith. 

 

Don't worry you're not alone in your suffering. There's people who understand. I will suffer, too, until I reunite in Heaven. I love her so much. I can't explain how much. She was my everything. Her passing brought me closer to God. I hope one day I'll be able to be happy. I know I'll always miss her until that special day. 

I clean with vinegar too because I don't like toxins around my pets. I've never used lemon. I'll try that soon. I use vinegar and Dr. BRONNERS castile soap. 

I'm very picky about everything with my pets. 

I just hate that I allowed negative people around my pets. I keep going from this to that. I blame only myself. 

I ask God every morning and night to give her the message to please forgive me and to please wait for me..I'm hoping she's listening. 

The weed... I don't really smoke it. I oddly chew on it and eat it in small amounts. I used to smoke but now I just do this because hey why not!

The mornings are so hard. Makes sense. Morning. Mourning.

The whole day is hard. I'm still confining myself from reality. I want to mourn her because she deserves it. I feel that I cannot go out and "live" life right now. I don't even eat that much. I'll try my hardest to bake peanut butter cookies tonight. I just avoid it all. I clean and make sure everyone's provided for. 

I just too feel like if I don't drink that I'll go backwards even more.

I walk by my bedroom throughout the day and I just wish she would be laying there. I miss her. It's tormenting me. But there's a bigger purpose than we understand. 

I miss her eyes staring back into my soul.

 

That's a beautiful poem. Wow. 

Tiny knows you loved him and that you always will. 

I wanted to mention that although we feel we did this or that wrong.... I feel that our pets were lucky in a way. Have you ever heard of the Asian dog and cat meat trade?

It's horrible. I read last night that they were boiling cats alive to make a paste. I went to the emergency room the first time I found out about this festival. 

I do not recommend searching it but just know they skin, beat and boil dogs and cats alive. 

I pray for all of those animals. They deserve eternal joy and heaven. 

But just a thought to maybe make you or anyone feel some sort of peace. It's even awful I have to bring this up. I hate that this festival exist. I wish I could rescue them. 

for-everything-there-is-a-season-and-a-time-for-every-matter-under-heaven-a-esv-55083.jpg.042986e34350f5bfcc6e8a11ddc484f5.jpg

 

 

 

 

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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam when I say peace I mean... peace on knowing that you didn't beat your pets or abuse them. We treated them with love. 

It is devastating and heartbreaking that any animal be intentionally abused. I hope you get my point. 

 

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19 hours ago, magicmiriam said:

If love alone could have saved you. You never would have died.

I feel this with mine too. :wub2:

14 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

I have gained a soulmate and an angel waiting for me in Heaven.

Yes

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Today is very difficult. I woke up at 5 am and layed in bed thinking of how she was making a recovery. She was jumping up on my bed. She was jumping down. She walked all around the house. She walked to her litter box. I keep thinking I messed up horribly. If I only I did this and that. 

I miss her so much. I don't want to live my life without her. She's (her body) in the ground and I have never had such pain. I hope she forgives me for failing her. 

I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself really. I miss her so much. I can feel it in my body. It's like something is gone. 

My other pets cuddle me all night and that is beautiful but if she were here I'd be happier. 

The only thing that gives me hope is that I'll hold her again. Why is this so hard?!!! I keep trying to be brave but I've never been such a baby in my life. I love and miss her. 

I don't want to to do this anymore. I just want to be with her. I'll keep going for these animals. I'll give them a good life. I just know I'll always miss her. It's so painful. 

I am going to get up soon and talk to the clouds. I miss her it hurts so bad. I've never cried for any pet like this. 

I love them all but this one kills me each day. I'm scared to live life without her. I know it sounds dramatic but she always comforted me when I cried. Now my other pets just run around acting crazy when I cry or they stare at me. She would purr on my heart and stare in my eyes. I was never alone. How could I fail her? I hope she knows I never would intentionally. 

I feel like years of my life were stolen. I miss her. I can't describe it. I cry and cry and cry. I can't face this world without her. 

I'll just keep the Faith that she's in Heaven and waiting for me. That's the only thing (and my pets here) that will give me the strength I need. 

 

 

 

 

 

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magicmiriam

@Eternalsoul Everything you posted is so beautiful, the poems, the songs, everything. 

Yesterday is was really bad, i read your post but was too down to write. I take one step forward and 3 steps back. At times i feel better believing Tiny is in a better place and that one day i will see him and then other times i feel like i can't breathe and hate the world. Why is it so hard for me, why can't i feel better. I read a lot about grief and beautiful poems and listen to music but the only thing that can make me feel better is holding him and smelling him. I don't think your crazy for not cleaning the blanket she threw up on, not at all. I kept a blanket Tiny peed on and went as far as to triple zip-lock it so the smell doesn't disappear. I haven't had the nerve to open and smell it yet. I'm too fragile, one sniff and i'll shatter into small pieces. 

I walk around with a heavy heart all day, it's painful to the core. I've stopped talking about Tiny to everyone. They don't really want to hear it, i hate everyone. It's ok though i'll keep him to myself. He's on my mind from the minute i open my eyes to the minute i close them. Everything in life seems meaningless to me and a waste of time. All of a sudden i want to get rid of possessions. I decided to get rid of my personal things and just keep it simple. Maybe i'm losing my mind, i probably am. I just feel like i don't need stuff anymore, i think it's called minimalism. I have too much of everything and it brings me no joy. All i want is the one thing i can't have, Tiny. 

I always think maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe this heavy feeling will go away but every morning i realize it's the same if not worse. Each day that passes the further i am from the last time i kissed him. I keep crying. I feel myself dying slowly without him.

I want to have faith, i do have faith but i'm so angry with God at the same time. I thought God can feel your heart. Doesn't he know i can't survive losing Tiny. I just can't believe he's gone. We were so devoted to each other, in love i would say. I never loved nor will i ever love the same again. I miss you Tiny.

 

 

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What it says on a thousand years...

Yesterday I took my friend with cancer in to Costco to get groceries and run errands, it took us about 5 1/2 hours (everything is over an hour away)...I'd left Kodie to play with Jazzy and her husband Mike watched them.

I got a call from her/them last night...Kodie cried hard for me for about 1/2 hour after I left.  I feel so bad!  I left him there once before, but it was when I took her in for her surgery so I think he started out in the house and didn't see me drive away as it was 6 am.  I feel bad that he'd ever think his mommy would "leave him."  I need him to learn that I will ALWAYS come back!  He's had special reassurances and love last night and this morning, but then he always has.

Arlie was always secure in his "den" (his pen/doghouse) but he grew up with me being gone to work for 12 hours with commute time.  I'm glad I was home with him the last half of his life.

Those who went through Covid at home with their pets, only to have to leave them lately as they return to their office setting, my heart goes out to them.  A huge adjustment for them all.

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magicmiriam

@KayCPoor Kodie, he wants to be with you all the time. Don't leave me don't leave me.

I remember when Tiny started getting sick and needed meds and supervision i refused to leave him alone. I was beyond crazy about leaving him. My husband would want to go to dinner and i'd say no, i just couldn't leave him alone at all. I remember my father had a heart attack and was in the hospital and i would need to leave Tiny for a few days to drive out to them and i wouldn't go, i would talk to him on whatsup video. I trust my husband to watch him for sure but he's not like me, he won't sleep with him on the floor and may forget meds etc. Tiny needed 24hr eye contact which i gave him, Then my mom broke her hip a few months later and again i didn't go, i sent my sister and brother. I sound like a terrible person but i'm not. My parents moved to Toronto 6 months ago and i visit them daily and help them a lot. It's just Tiny always trumped everyone and everything. No one can understand how my life revolved around him. I am nothing today without him. Nothing at all. Everyone thinks i'm great but inside i feel like a failure. Of course everyone will die but why so soon.

I saw this video and i'm not sure what it means? 

 

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When Arlie was dying of cancer I wouldn't leave either.
At my age I need Kodie to be used to me leaving and always coming back, I'm hospital stay age.  :(  

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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam

I have moments and hours where I'll believe everything will be OK and that I'll be with her again. Those are the thoughts that keep me going. I also have weak moments...

This morning, as I was laying in bed, all I could feel was a weight on my entire body and (as you mentioned) my heart feels so heavy. All my cats surround me as if they are protecting me but I'm sure once it gets warmer they will probably abandon me to sleep elsewhere. I didn't want to get out of bed. Not lazy but great sadness.

I keep thinking that it's not fair that she's not here and I wish I could have at least walked with her to Heaven so that I know she's ok. 

I watched her pass on and she took so much of my heart and soul with her. I watched her as she faded out of her body and I wish so badly I could have taken her to God. I wonder if an angel of God came for her. I wonder if she knew where to go and what to do. They are after all more pure than us. They belong in Heaven.

I beg God to please let me be with her again when it is my time. I cry out to God and ask him to forgive me for whatever it is I did. I feel like I failed her. I've never felt like a failure. It's different when you fail people (like unable to visit) because they understand. I feel like she should be here.

This all seems so cruel. This is the hardest path I've ever had to walk. I've been able to face the world and she was always there after a hard day or a sad day. She made me complete. 

I think that it's not fair that my other pets and me get to enjoy a sunny day or even a gloomy day. I keep saying that she should be here. It feels like some sort of horrible dream. I keep thinking we should all be together like we have been for years. I could feel a deep emptiness without her. 

Then, there's times where I'll feel her with me. It's confusing!! Am I imagining this or is she really here? Do you feel like he's there at times? Have you gotten signs? 

I just pray and hope that she's in Heaven waiting for me. I cannot bare any other thought! I just want to be the best person that I can be. I want to be with her again when God calls me home. 

When I walk my dogs I think about her. I think about her everywhere I go. 

Watching NDE videos and reading about people's experiences with afterlife pet visitations helps me. There's not one day that passes that I don't cry for her. Everything sounds and feels so empty. I call her name out hoping she hears me. 

I might start reading the Bible from beginning to end. Or maybe I'll start with different chapters. I need to strengthen my Faith because that's all that I have to get me to her. 

I keep thinking God took her to punish me. My friend keeps telling me she's in Heaven. They say God will never give you more than you can handle. I can't handle this... it's painful. I wish we had a visitation hour at least once to talk until it is my time. 

I'll keep moving forward but like you mentioned.... everything feels different. I know I'll never stop missing her. I've lost other pets but none have ever hurt me this much. It's like we share the same soul. Soulmates. I'll keep living my life and I've decided I'll help animals because there's so many who will never have love. I want to spread love even though I'm hurting inside. 

I need to start writing my memories of her. I don't ever want to forget. She is my angel. I just feel like I'm in a dream. 

Her favorite bed is empty. I wish I could hold her and sit in the sun. I wish I could kiss her. Someone please wake me up from this nightmare... I keep thinking. Sorry. I don't want to be depressing. I apologize. It's just how I feel without her. It's healthy to express our emotions. 

I keep blaming myself. I see her face looking up at me before I walked outside. I keep remembering how hard she fought to stay alive. If anyone deserved to go through that it is me not her. If I could have taken her pain into my body or if I could have given her years of my life I would have. I would have done anything. 

They are so precious and innocent and none of them deserve anything less. I wish I could turn back time for all of us. 

I'll try to keep my Faith strong. I hope you can, too. For Tiny. 

My boyfriend said I should be happy for her because she made it to Heaven. That she broke on through to the other side. I PRAY AND I HOPE EVERY SINGLE DAY THAT THIS IS TRUE. If I ever get to hold her again I am going to cry tears of joy. I smile thinking about it. 

My dad gets annoyed with me and tells me to move on that he can only feel sorry for so long. He said this 3 days after. I stopped telling him but I told him again today and he said stop mourning and move on. My mom said I'm being bitter. I don't understand how people expect others to just move on as if my baby did not matter? What is wrong with these people? THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT. I WILL ALWAYS MISS HER UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN. Why are some people so closed off in their emotions... it's almost like they are robots and just want to avoid this. I will never just move on. I will move forward but I'll never forget her. She's my everything. I will not stop. I don't want pity at all! I just want to know she's ok. It's called love. It hurts. They don't seem to understand.  My boyfriend keeps telling me she's in Heaven and even missing them is a sign from God that it's meant to be. That we are soulmates and will be together. 

I truly hope and pray that you see Tiny again when it is your time. I hope you have smiles and laughter with his sons . I hope he visits you and watches over you. 

I will pray that you find strength. Anyone reading this, too. 

I pray for strength everyday to go on without her by my side (physically) and I am just a big baby without her. I know I can't bring her body back but I just hope she's watching over me. I cry and cry.

I don't want pity. I'm just expressing my emotions because acting like nothing happened is incredibly unhealthy. 

I ask God everyday to keep her safe in eternal paradise. Joy, happiness and love. Our babies deserve the most beautiful things. 

I'll ask God to protect Tiny, too (and everyone's fur baby).

There's this movie. It's sort of morbid in some ways. It's about Heaven and Hell. It's sort of sad but in the end it works out. 

This part is so beautiful. It's after he passed on to Heaven. I hope we all hold our fur babies again. 

I pray you find strength. I pray for mine, too.

Remember your love for Tiny and his love for you is UNBREAKABLE. I truly believe he's watching over you. I guess it's just hard to see when we are feeling blue. I truly believe he's in Heaven. Don't ever lose hope. True love is eternal. 

 

 

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Eternalsoul

@KayC

 

Ahhh, that's so sad that Kodie was crying for you. My dogs do the same and I feel horrible. I tell them I love them and that I'll be back. My dog was howling the other night when I went outside to meet a friend to talk. 

I give them a little bit of cbd oil before I leave to ease their anxieties.

I'm so glad that you were able to be with Arlie in his older age. What a blessing that was.

If you find any methods to ease Kodie's separation anxiety please do share. He's lucky to have you.

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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam

That video is really interesting. 

it could mean anything really. My take on it is that death can touch anyone unexpectedly (when he touched the rabbit and the wolf). 

Maybe when death was walking with the deer he was giving her more time. The deer knew she was going to die soon? 

Maybe animals (who are sick, injured or old) know they only have so much time. Maybe they embrace death more gracefully than we do because they know there's something greater than this life?

Maybe the deer was "ready" to go?

Maybe death felt guilty.... I don't know. 

I just know that animals do have souls. I don't care what anyone says otherwise. 

Yesterday as I drove off I said a song will play that's for me and my baby.

 

This played. 

I know it's a stalker song but could it be that our pets are watching over us?

 

Is this coincidence.. nothing is trivial!

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magicmiriam

@Eternalsoul i know how you feel. I keep thinking this is all a bad dream. Then i realize it's my cruel reality. i like how you said that you wish you can at least take her up to heaven to make sure she's ok. If i knew where heaven was i'd be knocking on heaven's door all day. That's why i try to believe that's it's God's will.

I used to love life, if you would have asked me i would have wanted to live a thousand years but now 1 year seems too long without my Tiny. My life had color and flavor. Now it's black and bland. It's this empty lonely feeling that overcomes me. I could be surrounded by people and feel alone. I could have the sun shining on my face and feel cold, Nothing feels the same. Don't get me wrong i'm really  trying but it's like a minimized window, it's still on my screen.

During the day i do my errand, clean, cook, visit family, take care of the dogs but in the back of my mind i want to finish everything up so i can drown in alcohol and drown the pain. My husband said i can't buy anymore alcohol, he's really cross with me for drinking every day. I said either i cry or drink. He's not impressed. Whatever.

You said you don't want pity, nor do. I think this is why we are on this site, people here understand grief and it's not about pity. It's just we are surrounded by people who expect us to forget and move on. Like you said there is no time limit. They think it's like switching on a light. I don't need their understanding anymore, i thought i did in the beginning but now i realize that it's just me and Tiny in my heart and thoughts. I don't need anyone to tell me how i should or shouldn't feel. They don't know anything about our love and they never will.

I know we who loved so deeply will be with our loved ones again. I wait for that day. Thank you for praying for Tiny and i will pray for 'Zraela .

The movie you posted, i saw it years ago, i remember that scene.

I hope our babies are happy, I can't wait to see him again.

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On 3/11/2022 at 9:02 AM, magicmiriam said:

Everyone thinks i'm great but inside i feel like a failure

That is how I feel too.  

 

2 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

. I wish I could turn back time for all of us. 

I so wish I could go back, knowing what I know now, and change things.  I will never forgive myself even though I had only good intentions and never ever meant any harm. I loved him so much and I hope he forgives me.  I am adopting another dog, one that was mistreated and was in a shelter.  I can never replace my baby but I feel I need to do something in his honor by taking in this homeless dog. Like a redemption of sorts. I know I will not make the same mistakes again. I am going to give him a full and happy life just as I did for my baby (up until his last days).  


 

 

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magicmiriam

@Mandy25 I think it will do you good to adopt a homeless dog. It will do good for him as well. I have Tiny's kids so i still have some kind of a routine which helps. You don't so i beleieve it's a good move. You will never forget your baby, who does, I think if he looked down on you from heaven he would be so proud of you. It is a redemption of some sort your right. How old is this dog? Do you feel a connection to him? I'm happy for you. Post a picture of him when you bring him home so we can all see.

@KayC it breaks my heart that you're alone and not feeling well. I wish i lived near you so i can visit. I know Kodie is your world. How far away are your kids and grandkids? Do they visit often?

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16 hours ago, magicmiriam said:

How far away are your kids and grandkids? Do they visit often?

They never visit, they call on Christmas night, birthday night.  My son is three hours away, wants me to come in the winter but is busy during the summer when it's easier to be gone or drive.  My daughter is 1 1/4 hours away.  She's never home, both kids always working/busy.

20 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

My dad gets annoyed with me and tells me to move on that he can only feel sorry for so long. He said this 3 days after. I stopped telling him but I told him again today and he said stop mourning and move on. My mom said I'm being bitter.

I wouldn't talk with them about it.  If you can't be around them for a while, so be it.

16 hours ago, magicmiriam said:

I think it will do you good to adopt a homeless dog. It will do good for him as well.

Yes, I don't know what I'd do if I had not gotten Kodie, I about gave up when my son found him and brought him to me.  The whole thing was a miracle.  When he's gone, I will be ready to go also, he could take me to age 83, I can't see starting over at that age.

What Dreams May Come, Unchained Melody (one of my husband's favorites), both so beautiful.

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Eternalsoul

@Mandy25

I'm very happy for that dog that you are giving a chance at life. I am sure that your fur baby will be very proud of you. There's so many animals that sadly will never have a loving home. What you are doing is so kind. 

I too know that I'll never ever forgive myself. I see everything clearly now and if only I would have known then what I know now I think she would be here. It's a slow torture. 

But my boyfriend said "why would you want to delay her from making it to Heaven" and that "I saved her from living on the streets or from going to the pound".

But no matter what I will always believe she deserved better. I can relate to you in "not forgiving yourself" but what I plan to do is to live my life to help animals in need to honor her. I truly hope she forgives me too and I tell her everyday that I love her so much and that I never meant for this. I ask her to forgive me everyday and to please wait for me. I hope she knows how much I love her. There's not a moment that passes that I don't miss her. 

I'm really excited for that dog. What a beautiful thing to do. I'm sure you'll make that dog happy and your fur baby in Heaven happy. You are giving another soul a loving home. 

 

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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam It does feel like a cruel reality. It's something words cannot describe. 

I keep seeing her favorite place to sleep and it hurts that it's empty.

Where are they sleeping now? Do they sleep? I pray to God that they are somewhere beautiful with no pain. Only love, joy, happiness and kindness. 

I wonder what she's doing. I wonder if my other pets see her. I wonder if they can feel my emptiness. I wonder if she's watching me. I wonder if she's in her furry body or if she looks like a bright light. I wonder what she feels if she sees me cry. I wonder if she knows just how special she is and always will be to me. 

I ask her everyday to please be with me when it's my time. 

This morning I kept thinking of how she pressed her paws to knead my hand right before she left to Heaven. I watched my best friend leave and in that moment there was nothing I could do. 112-Broken-Heart-Quotes-And-Heartbroken-Sayings-31.jpg.491e723f5a5e6bbb53276b0b74eef741.jpg

The days and nights are still empty without her. I'm thinking of making her a pink cross today out of some wood pieces that I have.

 

I know that you are trying. I was so focused on working out and achieving goals. Now, I just don't really have interest in any of that. I keep yearning for her. Almost like I'm waiting for her to return or for a miracle. It's hard to describe this feeling. I pray everyday though. Never have before this. 

I keep thinking of how she went before me. I say to myself I wish we went together but then that's so selfish because these ones would end up in the pound. These pets are her family, too. I'll keep trying for them. 

I look for signs everywhere. I try to see the beauty and I wonder what she's doing. As you mentioned the sun can be shining but it is still so cold. 

When I wake up in the morning I feel like I'm in a morgue. It's weird. I don't feel alive. It takes everything I have to get moving. I feed my other pets but it is torture to not have her here with us. 

Alcohol has a way of helping in a way. I understand that. I drank everyday since she's been gone from her body. I'm sober right now but I know what you mean. I will drink later this evening.. maybe just a beer. It's sort of an escape. I now refer to the morning as mourning. It just is more difficult for me. The whole day is but it's almost like I wish I could wake up and she be here! 

I'm not sure what you'll do as far as the alcohol and your husband but I do pray that you are strong and keep Faith no matter what you do. 

I would hate myself if I just moved on and said "oh well"... I believe that this shows just how much I love her. This is necessary. I told my boyfriend that life and death are both beautiful. Death of the body is the beginning of eternal life for the soul/spirit. 

I can't just go on about skipping and dancing like nothing happened. This is perhaps one of the most important chapters of my life. There is meaning. 

They were placed in our lives for a very important reason. They are in Heaven now. Don't ever think otherwise. I can't say this enough. The bonds we had and still have with them are a gift from God. 

One day. I keep telling myself that. Life is a tests. We have to keep the Faith. No matter what. Without Faith we are just walking a path to nowhere. That's my opinion. With Faith in God we will walk to eternity. God created them. He created us. Nothing is trivial. 

This is from The Crow. One of my favorite movies. 

 

I don't believe in evolution. I believe in God. There's just too much meaning in life. 

 

It is torturous without them physically here in their bodies. Don't ever lose hope that you'll see him. You will. 

I pray everyday. I realize now that life is so short and fragile. 

I feel like my heart is broken.... like it feels different. 

I hope you and everyone reading thus have strength today. I pray all of our pets have eternal joy and I pray you all hold them again. 

Keep the Faith. Please be strong. I know they are watching over us because true love never ends. Never. 

1481236798_download(2).jpeg.00e230d1519c605071d1e296917383c9.jpeg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Eternalsoul

@KayC

I won't talk to them about it but I did tell him that I think this is God's way of getting through to me.

I've been incredibly stubborn when it's come to God but something tells me this is God's will. To teach me something.... to bring me closer to him. If I'm closer to him I'm closer to her. 

I want to make it to Heaven so badly. 

It's like that story with David and Bathseba. Except I'm not like David who refused to mourn. I will mourn for all of my life. I miss her.

But God took David's child. That seems horrible yes..... but it states that the child went to Heaven. 

David was walking his own path (away from God) and he repented but he still lost his child. 

It gives me comfort to know that God took the child to Heaven.

These Bible stories give me hope and comfort in a sense....

I'll always miss her until we meet again. 

cat-loss-poem-2.png.a9054055fd63094a393c2a94c4f39da4.png

a08e3272dc36112c8c83c5d130927939.jpg

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Eternalsoul

In Loving Memory.


When golden eyes no longer glow,
and we both know it's time to go,

Don't look at me with eyes so sad,
but think of better times we had,

When sunlight did upon us shine,
and happy days were yours and mine,

And through the grass we both did run,
and on our backs we felt the sun,

Think not of this dark final hour,
think not of when our lives turned sour,

Think not of hopelessness and pain,
but think of joy and laugh again,

For in that final act of love,
you released me to heaven above,

Where finally from pain I'm free,
where one day you will join with me,

Where together again we will rejoice,
and you and I as with one voice,

Will in perfect harmony sing,
of the joy and pain that love can bring,

And remember me just as I will,
always think of you until,

At last again I see your face,
grieve not, I am in a better place.

By Carol Walker

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20 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

"why would you want to delay her from making it to Heaven"

I don't believe we have that control, what will be will be.  We had no choice when they died, how could we have choice about what happens afterwards with them?

 

19 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

112-Broken-Heart-Quotes-And-Heartbroken-Sayings-31.jpg.491e723f5a5e6bbb53276b0b74eef741.jpg

Kind of how we're all feeling with everything that's gone on in our world lately, Covid, inflation, Ukraine...we feel so helpless.  Bless those who fight for things they believe in!  I always did, my whole life, now I just feel old and like everything is out of my control.  I control what I can, my health, my little world.  Giving Kodie a good life.

19 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

To teach me something

I've read that suffering brings us closer to God, perhaps that's why He allows it.  It is when we hit the darkest times that we reach out to Him!  It's not that he wants us to suffer, but rather that He wants us to draw nigh to Him.  It is true for me in my own life.  It is when I've had my darkest hours and people have abandoned me and I've lost control, that He is there, still holding me, carrying me.

I know God cares.  When Jesus heard Lazarus died, He wept.  Even though He had the power to bring him back!  And did.  He felt those human emotions we all do.

 

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magicmiriam

@Eternalsoul I love the poems you posted, so moving.

It's incredible how you have a lot of the same feelings i have. Where are they sleeping? Do they sleep? I wonder if he's happy or sad and missing me? I'm always thinking of him and my heart feels sore and i always wonder, can he read my mind, can he feel my heart? Can he read what i'm writing? I wonder so many things about how he sees things now. I wish i knew more, i wish God would give me one second to see him and that he's ok.

I'm tormented all day, he's the only thing i think about even when i'm thinking about something else i can feel my bruised heart, it's so painful. I ask him not to leave me and be my angel and help me find the way to him. 

I try to focus on work, it's hopeless, i say i'll quit smoking and drinking but can't, nothing really matters to me. I was the exact opposite, exercise, eat healthy. I just feel what's the point, we're born to die and we die to live.

The mornings (or as you say mournings) are hell, the day is long and when night comes i feel like i'm going to die. It's like every minute feels like a year. I get nauseous thinking of him in the ground. I try to focus and tell myself this is Gods will and one day i will understand. 

Like you i can't just say "oh well" and pretend nothing happened. It would be disrespectful to Tiny like he meant nothing where i  loved him more than i love myself. My husband also told me life is a test and God knows everyone's weaknesses and sends each person a test according to their weaknesses.Tiny was my weakness for sure, the sun would rise in his eyes for me. I'm in agony.

I also pray to God to please let me be with him one day, i repented for anything and everything i've done, i read Psalms but still i'm in misery.

I always knew i would have a hard time if Tiny passed away but never imagined it would crush me.

I keep going for Brownie and Mylo and they miss him just as much as i do. 

I will never be the same person again, i'm just a shadow of myself. Like a sad clown that painted a smile.

@KayC It breaks my heart that no one comes to visit you, i won't judge your kids but if i had a mother as kind as you i would make every effort to soak her in.

I pray that you will be healthy and happy always and never know anymore pain or sorrow. You help all of us and you deserve the best. I would love to send you a care package.

Please send me your address to my personal email magicmiriam@hotmail.com . It would make me feel so good.

Too bad we're all on a grieving site and not the happiness site. We must believe God loves us even though it doesn't feel like it.

 

 

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magicmiriam
How can I just let you walk away?
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath, with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me?
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothin' left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Ooh, take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face
Instrumental
I wish, I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothin' left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, 'cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, 'cos I'll still be standin' here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
 
 
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On 3/13/2022 at 6:52 AM, KayC said:

They never visit, they call on Christmas night, birthday night.

I’m so sorry your children don’t visit very often.  I would give anything for my Mom to still be here. She lived in another state and was planning to move and come live with me.  She died unexpectedly in her sleep. That was a few years ago and I still miss her so much.  Sometimes people get busy in their lives and take their loved ones for granted, which is sad.

 

On 3/13/2022 at 10:20 AM, Eternalsoul said:

It is torturous without them physically here in their bodies. Don't ever lose hope that you'll see him. You will. 

I hope this is true for all of us, that we will see them again.  I’m at our other house right now and being here is depressing because my boy is not here. We spent a year together here,  just him and me when my husband had to go back to work and thus back to the other house. I was so afraid both of us would get sick and he wouldn’t have anyone to take care of him, so I didn’t see my husband, only talked with him through Zoom. He was my purpose and got me through that lonely year.  We went for long walks (him in his carriage) every day and danced in the kitchen.  I would go out in the garage to lift weights and he would peek through the crack in the door as if he was checking up on me. He got me out of bed in the morning. He was the light during that awful Covid gloom.  Even though my husband is with me right now, it feels so lonely without him. God, I miss him

 

On 3/12/2022 at 1:43 PM, magicmiriam said:

How old is this dog? Do you feel a connection to him? I'm happy for you. Post a picture of him when you bring him home so we can all see.

He is 3 years old.  The shelter was going to euthanize him due to behavioral  issues but he was saved by the animal rescue.  His foster mom has made great strides with him but he has a way to go.  I am picking him up on Thursday, so I don’t have a bond yet but did fall in love with him when I first saw him.  No dog will ever replace my baby, but I’m hoping this new dog will help me out of this horrible depression.  I know I will give him a wonderful life as I did for my baby for 12 years up until those awful last 3 months and I will not make the same mistakes at the end.  I have learned so much.  I will post a picture when I get him. His name is Jack. The weather is pretty nice for walking in California where I live, so I am so happy to get a walking partner to get me out of the house.

I feel so sad for all of us.  This is just so hard.  Why do our loved ones have to leave?  It just seems so unfair.  Why does it have to be so painful?  I would rather be physically hurt than to feel these horrible emotions.  I feel like my heart has been cut in two. I do hope we meet all our loved ones, animal and human, up in heaven when we die and there is only happiness. 

 

 

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7 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

No dog will ever replace my baby, but I’m hoping this new dog will help me out of this horrible depression

Two more days to go!  I hope for you the connection I had with Arlie.  He was rescued, starving, had never been inside a house or car and had not been treated for his acute chronic Colitis, or Kennel Cough.  He couldn't tolerate antibiotics, I cooked for him to control his Colitis, lifelong,  He was just under a year when I got him, obviously not housebroke, chewed on EVERYTHING!  Furniture, decorations, doghouse, books, you name it.  I haven't gotten rid of the furniture even though it's been 13 years.  After my first year with him, he was amazing!  I remember once having someone over for dinner...we momentarily stepped into the other room to look at something, came back and our dinner was gone!  He was just polishing off the last bit.  He was a handful, big, strong, unruly, but I trained him and he became the perfect gentle giant I came to know and so goofy and fun!  I will always miss him, big as he was, I called him my little boy. 

 

 

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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam

Yes, I know.... her eyes lit up my soul. I get what you mean by "the sun would rise in his eyes". It's almost as if they were and still are our pieces of Heaven. It's almost as if God placed them in our lives to say .... "this is what 0000000.1 percent of Heaven will be like" and then he took them away to see if we pass the test. Like your husband said. 

This is a perfect song for them. One day we will be with them. 

 

What did Tiny teach you? My baby taught me that I have a lot to work on. She was/is kind, patient, empathetic, loving, graceful and beautiful in all ways. She was funny, too. She never fought the other ones back. She just walked away. 

I overthink everything. My boyfriend and me were talking about this. I could have went to the "dark side" after this. I could have walked away from God forever. Yes, I was upset with him and I still cry out "why" to him.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.

But I think I sort of know why but the entire picture will make sense for us all when it's our time, like Kayc mentioned in that bible verse about seeing only a portion now. 

But I am choosing the path of Faith and believing that this is a test and that if I pass it I'll be able to hold her and all of my other pets in Heaven. He was your weakness. Your husband is right. This could be one of your biggest lessons to learn from but only you can look within. I asked God to help me understand why. My dad told me to ask God why and they if I listen it would come. The generic answer that I can give is that it's a test. A dreadful one. 

Yesterday I kind of blew up on a man who started yelling at me about his place in line at customer service. I was just standing there. He wasn't even in line. My dad said that now since I surrendered to God that the enemy will try to trigger me. Next time I'll be more like my cat and ignore the idiots. Yes, I sound mean but whatever. 

I think this is where anger comes in when we grieve. I felt bad but he had it coming. I'm angry, sad, empty, lonely, depressed and confused without her. There's so many emotions. Not only does my heart ache but my soul feels like it's hollow. 

This morning I heard another pet's paws running to my bed and I kept wishing it was her and that her passing above was just some bad dream. It wasn't though. I had nightmares last night and I wished so badly she would comfort me. She always purred near me and every worry faded away. So, I held the pillow she was on during her last days here in physical form. I do feel like my heart feels different. I miss her so much. I tell her "sorry" every morning. It breaks my heart to know that she left. I hope she wasn't sad or scared. I hope none of them were. I would have gladly taken all of her pain. I hope she wasn't in pain. It's just sad.

But it's something we all face eventually. I pray and hope for you all that they are with you forever. One day all of this torment will be something we will laugh about in Heaven with them. I hope. I can see it now. 

I wonder too if they can feel our heartsor our soul. I know what you mean. I keep telling myself I'll stop drinking and get to the gym but then I get disgusted with myself that I'd even care to workout. It sounds weird. I'd rather have her here than worry about that. I was doing great in the gym and was reaching goals and now I just drink and skip meals. I eat once a day. So much for muscle gains. 

That's such a great song by Phil Collins. It fits perfectly to the situation. 

I listened to someone read the Bible yesterday so my pets could listen. I pray for their souls and sins too. I ask God to keep my cat safe with him. I asked for all of our pets, including Tiny. I pray they are somewhere so beautiful and peaceful.

I wonder if they are younger or if they are just glowing souls. There's so many things I want to know. Like you say, one second feels like an eternity without them. I keep thinking... this isn't real. 

I'm happy that you read Psalms. My boyfriend loves Elvis and he played this song for me. It's about John who witnessed Heaven. I know there's people who doubt Heaven but I dont. 

But we can't get there if we are evil and cold. All of life is a test. Elvis was/is a strong believer of God/Jesus. He was not perfect. He drank but he loved God. None of us are perfect. 

This song is sort of country/gospel but I love it. It gives me hope.

 

I keep telling myself that this is going to be such a long road. I miss her so much. Even though she's with God I just feel empty. I'll keep my Faith though. I hope you do, too. I hope everyone feeling pain finds comfort and God. 

They are in safe hands. Just never lose Faith. 

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Eternalsoul

@KayC You are right. We have no control over when they will pass. We try and try to do everything we can and then when they pass or when they can no longer go on it hurts more than one can imagine.

 

I just pray and ask God and Jesus to protect her and all of them. I thank God and Jesus everyday for letting me have her as a friend. I'm so lonely without her but now I have God, Jesus and a new guardian angel. 

I refuse to think otherwise. 

I feel bad for the people in war and any of them suffering. I actually do not read the news or watch TV. I read and listen to music instead. There is something depressing about the news. I choose to just separate myself from it. I pray for Ukraine (both people and animals). It's sad. We should all barter and live in peace. Life should have never been this way. The world is ruled by evil. 

I've read that your family does not visit you often. I don't have a big family and my sister only visited when my mom was staying with me. Besides that I never had family visit. I don't have kids so I wonder how it will be when I'm older. I'll just have to talk to my pets forever. But we never know what tomorrow holds... as I've learned. 

I like to look at it on the bright side. The birds, butterflies and stray cats visit me. The sun and clouds visit me. All of those are God himself. God and Jesus are with me and they are with you. They are with all of us who believe. 

I hope your Arlie and your other dogs and cats visit you. I hope your husband does, too. Youre never alone when you walk with God!! That's the way I see it now. He has blessed you with Kodie. 

My mom wants to visit me but I dont want to be around any of them after how they disrespected me and my cat. Yes, I know she's my mom but not everyone has the same relationship with their parents or family. I wish the best for my family and I hope they have beautiful lives but I prefer solitude and peace. 

Sometimes I prefer my pets over people and thats fine. They are my family. They never judge or hurt you. They are true friends. 

This is a perfect quote about the world. 

John 17:14-16 I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.

You'll never walk alone! I played this for my cat the day of her burial. 

 

 

 

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Eternalsoul

@Mandy25

That's so cute that he'd peak to check on you. We think we protect them but really they protected us.

I know what you mean. It feels so incredibly lonely. They give us something nobody else could or can. I truly believe they are our angels. I don't care what anyone says.

I love that you danced with him. I wish I could dance with her right now. I pick my other pets up and dance with them to make them happy and to create special memories. I also do it and pretend I'm holding her. Maybe she's here visiting. 

Maybe they visit us. I hope. 

I will pray that we all hold them again. We gotta keep the Faith. 

I'm glad you're giving the new dog a chance. I really am. So many of them never get a chance. 

 

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