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I want to dig up my baby out of his grave


magicmiriam

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Eternalsoul

Listening to music today. I played this hours after she passed above with her still on my bed.

 

Anyways. I like it.

 

 

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Eternalsoul
Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
The wind would whisper and I'd think of you
And all the tears you cried, that called my name
And when you needed me I came through
I paint a picture of the days gone by
When love went blind and you would make me see
I'd stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew that you were there for me
Time after time you there for me
Remember yesterday, walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand, I remember you
Through the sleepless nights through every endless day
I'd want to hear you say, I remember you oh oh
We spent the summer with the top rolled down
Wished ever after would be like this
You said I love you babe, without a sound
I said I'd give my life for just one kiss
I'd live for your smile and die for your kiss
Remember yesterday, walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand, I remember you
Through the sleepless nights through every endless day
I'd want to hear you say, I remember you
We've had our share of hard times
But that's the price we paid
And through it all we kept the promise that we made
I swear you'll never be lonely
Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Washed away a dream of you
But nothing else could ever take you away
'Cause you'll always be my dream come true
Oh my darling, I love you
Remember yesterday, walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand, I remember you
Through the sleepless nights through every endless day
I'd want to hear you say, I remember you
Remember yesterday walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand I remember you
Through the sleepless nights, through every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say I remember, I remember you, oh yeah
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magicmiriam

@Eternalsoul I can't stop believing in God but i'm still hurt by him, the fact that i'm angry at God proves i believe in him, i know that sounds weird.

The guy you snapped at in the lineup , i so relate, i'm like a ticking time bomb. I snap at everyone, i guess mostly trying to make small chit chat about things i couldn't care less about. I'm drowning in my thoughts of Tiny. 

I read a lot of about parents who lose a child and i so relate to them. I hope none take offense but when you don't have children and you take care of your dog as if they were a child it's the same. They both depend on you for love, security and health. I let me Tiny down, if i could turn time back i would have done so much differently. I'm sorry Tiny.

I also feel different, i feel like a zombie mostly. I tune out to everything around me. I know there is a war in Russia but i never watch the news. If the world blew up tomorrow i'll see Tiny. 

Ya i read psalms because i find it to be a source of guidance. It makes you understand that you are not here forever and that your soul is who you are and not your body. It gives me some peace. I'll never be at peace till i'm with Tiny no matter how long i live.

I love that Elvis song, This is my heaven. I love Elvis.

@Mandy25 I think you're bringing Jack home at the perfect time, spring. You will never forget your baby, it's impossible but Jack will bring you so much comfort and happiness i'm sure. I know you're a wonderful mom. We can't wait to see pictures of him with you on the beach. I think you both need each other. It's great news. I know it will take some time and you can't get rid of that guilty feeling, nor can i but i believe they forgive us and know we loved them as much as a mother loves her baby. I always felt i gave birth to Tiny, like he was part of my body. Stay strong. Tomorrow when you pick up Jack a new chapter begins.

 

 

 

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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam

I too am hurt with how it all occurred.... I fear that I'll never forgive myself. I fear I let her down. I say sorry all day as if she's listening. I hope. I get upset with God, too. Yesterday was really bad. I was so mad and then sad. Then tired. 

I don't even want to talk to my mom who said my cat should have lived at least 4 more years. She said it over and over after my baby passed to Heaven.  I avoid her now.... that was a cruel thing to say. Some people don't have empathy I guess. But the Bible even says that we cannot stop death and only God knows how long each of our days are. 

I feel like I failed her horribly though. I keep blaming myself though.  My only consolation is knowing she is in Heaven and in a better place than here. Every morning I keep wishing I could redo it. I tell her that I'm sorry....... 

I'm scared of how this is impacting my life. I read up on complicated grief, as you mentioned, and I feel I have that. 

I want to move my bedroom around but I keep wondering if it will confuse her soul. I'm taking it too far!

I think she visits. So, I told her this morning that I'm going to move my bedroom around......  we just never know what the spirit side is like. I know that sounds weird... but I just miss her and find comfort in talking to her. 

I know what you mean about him being your child. He is. You took care of him. You are his mommy and he will wait for you. You are soulmates. It's an eternal bond. God gave him to you because you are meant to be. An angel and a son. 

I dont think anyone would take offense to that. I have read that some people love their animals more than their actual blood relatives. I do, too. It's a different love. A different connection. I believe God blesses some of us with soulmates in them.

It's amazing because just 'cause you're related to someone doesn't mean you'll love them more.. much less like them.. in my case. I know that sounds awful. I wish my family the best in life. Love and happiness. But nobody was/is close to me like her. 

I agree. If the world blew up I'd be with my cat in Heaven and my other pets. That sounds far out there. I know but that's how much I miss her. 

I'm going to make it a habit to read the Bible everyday. I need to find comfort and hope in knowing I'll be with her. 

I miss her so much and I regret so much. 

The only thing I have left to keep going through is my pets and Faith. 

If I can pass this test than I'll be rewarded when I reunite with her. 

Please be strong. Tiny wants to see you be strong for him. 

I know she wouldn't want to see me like this. It's just the toughest trial. 

I love her so much. 

 

I hope they can still feel the love we have for them!!!

1100939707-romans8_18.jpg.b449e4048ef5de4e2c53d62a1985e95b.jpg

 

 

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56 minutes ago, Eternalsoul said:

1100939707-romans8_18.jpg.b449e4048ef5de4e2c53d62a1985e95b.jpg

 

One of my favorite verses, I've saved it!

23 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

You are right. We have no control over when they will pass.

Someone just posted the loss of his cat in this forum today, I hope you will both respond to him, totally a shock, just a year old!  My heart goes out to those with such loss...

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magicmiriam

@Eternalsoul i was MIA yesterday, just so down, some days are better than others,,, all the days are bad but some i can bear more than others. Yesterday was hell. The weather is getting warmer and the snow is melting and i keep thinking of all the things i could be doing with Tiny. Spring was his favorite season. I keep thinking about his last day. Could i have post trauma? I keep thinking of his cardiac arrest and burying him, it pops into my mind every few minutes no matter how hard i try not to think of it.

I also drank and drank and drank yesterday, drinking way too much, ok it's only in the evening but i never knew i can drink so much.

I never thought losing him would kill me, it's killing me.

All this and no one around me even notices, i must be a great actress. I just don't want any static from anyone. Leave me be with my grief, alone.

Every corner of this house reminds me of him, outside too. I close my eyes and see his face.

My Lord how i miss my baby.

@Mandy25 Did you pick up Jack?

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His foster mom brought him this morning.  He is still very scared and does try to bite.  He did calm down by the end of the day (lots of walks and treats helped).  He is very smart and quickly learned how to use the dog stairs to get up and down off the couch.  He is not ready to be in the bed with us and prefers his own bed at this time.  I still am so sad about the loss of my baby and don’t use any key words or nicknames I used with him. I am giving Jack his own.  I will never forgive myself for the mistakes I made with my baby and am not going to make those mistakes with Jack.  I still blame myself and feel he would have had more time if I hadn’t been so stupid. Jack’s kibbles are teeny tiny and I am never going to free feed him.  He is very food and treat motivated which is wonderful. 
 

Miriam, I do think you could have PTSD. I think I do too.   I still can’t erase from my mind him struggling in my arms dressed in his little pj’s when the vet helped him pass and then his eyes going blank.  This along with the guilt of letting him swallow the regular size kibble and not realizing that although he was eating them, he was eating less the last couple months.  I can’t believe I thought I was doing the right thing.  Jack is helping me through the day, but I still have nightmares at night. I am so sorry you are so sad. I wonder if these feelings will ever go away.

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magicmiriam

@Mandy25 i also wonder if this feeling will ever go away. I also can't stop feeling guilty, it's eating me up inside all day. You mentioned his little PJ's, that killed me. Tiny always wore PJ's because he was hairless and i remember his gray little Pj's that i buried him in. It kills me thinking of his little body so still. No matter what anyone tells me, i know i made mistakes with him and i know if i wasn't stupid he would still be here. It annoys me when people around me (family/husband/friends) say i was a good mother and he knows i loved him. It makes me feel even more guilty. He loved me so much that he trusted me fully and i failed him.

I also think i have PTSD, i'm almost sure. I have flashbacks all day, i feel like i'm free falling.

I'm happy you have Jack, i know he will love you and one day even spoon with you in bed. He will never take your baby's place. Even Tiny's kids who look like carbon copies of Tiny can't take their fathers place but i love them because Tiny loved them so much. I know he's watching me. No one can take his place. Sometimes the pain is unbearable and i wish God would bring him back and take everyone else that i love, i can't believe i think such evil things but like i said He was the love of my life.

I was born just so i can meet him. I will never love so deeply again. Never.

Jack came to you for a reason, you just have to find that reason. He will rescue you just like you rescued him.

Let me know how is tomorrow, my heart is with you.

 

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Eternalsoul

@KayC

I'm glad you like the quote. All of you have been so much help to me in all of this. It's a place that provides me some solace in my loneliest moment.

I was reading back on some of the comments you posted throughout the past and I must say that you are very strong. I am going through this alone (as you did) and I wonder if it would be easier if I were married or had a distraction with me. I have my other pets but it's almost as if they just do their own thing. They sit with me as I cry or purr when I'm sad. It's just awful without her in physical form. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. 

I don't think it would be any easier with people around. I actually am grateful that I get to enjoy the silence. The silence can be so haunting though. But it's necessary I suppose. If I can survive this I can survive ANYTHING. I remind myself over and over when I feel this overwhelming sadness. 

I will read the post of the cat. How sad. I will respond, as well. I was not on yesterday because I was having a day of anger. I was very angry over her passing. It was windy, cold and gloomy and that seemed to exasperate my feelings of despair. 

My mom messaged me and rudely responded that I have other animals to take care of. How could people be so cold? This isn't a game of chess. 

How would they like if I said something like that when a human they love passed away? 

"well... you've got other family...." that would be heartless to say. 

It makes me angry. As if my suffering and mourning is a joke. My sister told me on the day of my cats passing to Heaven that I was a joke to be this way over a cat. Needless to say, I'm done with my "sister". I prayed for them and I asked God to forgive me for wanting to stay away from them. It isn't because I hate them... it's because they hurt me and make me to be a fool. I'm tired of it. 

The bond I have with my cat can NEVER be equal to any bond I've had with a human and thats ok because it is my path. We see them almost everyday. They don't say mean things to us. They show us unconditional love. 

They are LOVE!!!!!!!! They see our souls.

So, yesterday I was very angry. Today I'm back to sad. It's a rollercoaster ride I never wanted to get on. I prayed this morning and I ask for strength because I feel so weak and alone without my baby. 

I pray for you, as well. This is so incredibly difficult. 

 

I cannot imagine my life without her. I'm never going to let go of her. 

inspirational-bible-verse-22.jpg.6f51ec1a7189e0c615a49a3b1f5773ff.jpg

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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam

I don't know how you do it.... how do you pretend to be OK?

The only time I do that is out in public.

I text my boyfriend every morning and tell him that it hurts (as if he can stop the pain). He reads it and doesn't respond. He understands though because, as I mentioned, his brother passed to Heaven a few years ago.

He said it's just something he lives with. He said he tries to be as positive as possible with thoughts that he will see him again. He said everything is a sign that his brother is reaching out. I've started to think everything is a sign. I wonder if the birds chirping are trying to tell me something. Am I losing it?

You said you wanted to dream of Tiny. I dreamt or had sort of a nightmare.... she was alive and well I was petting her but she hopped into my sister's vehicle when I wasn't looking and I told my sister to bring her back but she wouldn't. So, I drove to get her and my cat was in a hospital pet gown and I RAN TO HER and was SO HAPPY and I held her and she passed in my arms. I switched to a dream of the actor Michael Douglas chasing me for a brief second.... I woke up right after and it was so painful. For one second I held her only to watch her pass in my dream again...

I woke up and felt like I was in hell. I wondered if I was literally in hell. 

I know what you mean about the drinking. I am gonna try to not do it so much to refrain from health issues. I'll try to be sober today. I was super drunk a few days ago and just wished I could drink to the point where she'd come back. If that makes sense..... I was crying and screaming her name to come back. I'm going to try some organic relaxation tea tonight. I'll try to take a break from drinking for a few days. I know what you mean. I looked at how much I've drank and I won't even say but I too was surprised. We need to remember to do what's healthy for us. I know it's hard to want to because everything feels pointless.

If you can ( I'll try too) do at least one healthy thing for yourself a day. Do it for Tiny. I'm going to eat an apple for my baby. They wouldn't want us to go downhill. Can you imagine how sad that makes them?? I worry that she's seeing me like this.... I'll write down the healthy things that I did in my journal for her. 

It's difficult I know. It's easy to fall apart. But maybe try to do something good for yourself each day. When you do it think of it as you're doing it for Tiny because you are! He's in your heart and soul now and in Heaven. He wants you to be strong and happy. I wonder if they can feel our sadness. They are a part of us now. It's different. So, taking care of ourselves is taking care of them. 

I wish there was some sort of fountain we could go to that we could see them in a waterfall. Sounds weird I know. I just want to see her and walk together in a meadow beside a stream. 

I cry out for her everyday. I never want to let go ever. I ask her to never forget me and to please wait. Please.....

I pray everyday and every night. I pray for you, too... that you remain strong in Faith and that God protects them and that only beauty and joy surrounds them. 

BeachNightfallJohn16-22Web_600x.jpg.06b07f435cf075731c1c723c01ec202d.jpg

 

 

 

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magicmiriam

@Eternalsoul Trust me it's not easy faking it all day but  i don't feel like sharing how i feel anymore with anyone. They all push me to see a therapist. ERRRRRRR

Is there even a therapist who will *not* just tell me that this is normal, because that seems perfectly obvious to me. Or pearls of wisdom like “You grieve because that person mattered to you.” Really?? I never would have figured *that* out. That’s why this blog posting resonated with me; it wasn’t the usual platitudes. I am trying to deal with the extreme anger and, quite frankly, self-pity that I feel that “Fate” picked *him* to die relatively young.  So I muddle on. I am desperately afraid of losing the memories of exactly how he looked and felt and the sparkle in his eyes, so I am spending a lot of time looking at pictures and videos I have .Everyone tells me  not to “wallow in grief.” What? How can they say that to me, he wasn’t the constant presence in their lives that he was in mine. 

I can't yet stop drinking i think i have PTSD, i have less flashbacks when i drink. I will stop at some point.

The weather is really nice today and Brownie and Mylo would really enjoy a long walk. I will cry the whole walk i know it, Tiny loved this weather and going for long walks,

I'll come back here later.

I pray for all of us and i thank all of you.

 

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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam

Just because someone is a qualified therapist does not make them empathetic. I would rather go through the motions and honor my cat by feeling this pain and all of the other emotions. I'm going to do at least one healthy or positive thing a day for my cat. To let her know I love her. 

Why would I want to sweep it under the rug? A therapist did not know my cat. A therapist has not walked in my shoes. They go by a textbook. They probably have more issues than us. 

Yes, these are normal emotions. Yes, it's part of the grieving process. This is not a one size fits all.

I feel that by experiencing these emotions that I am somehow still close to her. Do I hope that the pain lessens? Yes but I never want to forget her. I look at her photos each day, too. I want to hold her close in my heart, mind and soul until we are together forever. 

There are therapies that we can do each day. We can walk our dogs. We can plant flowers. We can drink tea. We can do whatever that helps us. We can write. We can listen to music. Whatever helps. 

A therapist is not always the answer. You alone know what is best for you. Reading the Bible, Bible quotes and Bible audio helps me. Sitting by her grave helps me. I played the Titanic song for her. 

If it is something you do (therapist) than that is great. Maybe an animal grieving therapist. Someone who has shared that bond. I cannot tell you what to do. I do hope you heal. If you do see one I hope it's one who truly has empathy. 

I play her a song each day. This is life! Why should we hide our pain under a rug.....

With God and Faith we never walk alone. He's watching over them. They watch over us. Death is just the beginning of eternal life. 

Jim Morrison is one of my favorite singers. I'd like to post a quote of his. 

 

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

Jim Morrison
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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam

I too feel like I have PTSD. I replay a lot of things. This is not a one size fits all. I cannot tell someone to do what "works" for me. 

We all deal with it in our own way. I just know that I'll keep my Faith in God through this.

If you do see a therapist I pray it's someone sent from God to guide you. I wonder if there's online group therapy. This sort of is therapy... to me it is. Writing and talking to people who understand. 

I will just do this on my own with God and these sites. I'm introverted so I just walk this path with God. 

I pray you find strength. I am going to try to start treating myself better. I've been giving myself a beating with alcohol. 

Trying to numb the pain of watching her leave. It miss her so much. 

 

Please be strong everyone!!!!!!!!!!! Treat yourselves good for them. They are with us. 

 

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magicmiriam

@Eternalsoul Yes it helps to have faith for sure otherwise we'll never see our babies. It's true, I don't need therapy, i need space. 

I will eventually take better care of myself but for now i'll just stay in neutral. I'll just watch movies as much as i can it's the only thing that gets my mind off things a bit.

I love Jim Morrison too, i remember as a teen reading his book "No one gets out of here alive" and loved him since. I was one of those people who believed he wasn't dead and was at the mojo risin lol. His music is like poetry.

The weekend is here, i'll drive to Tiny's grave, it's been to cold the last 2 weeks with way too much snow. 

 

1-young-woman-on-a-beach-at-sunset-time-konstantin-trubavin.jpg

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@magicmiriam I also fake how I am feeling in public and at my home.  I feel so sad and keep thinking of the things I did wrong and that my boy would still be here if I had done things better the last couple months.  I miss him so much and also keep looking at pictures of him.  I will never ever forget him. My life revolved around him the last 12 years (brought him home when he was 4). I have to fake it at home because I love my husband  and it makes him upset to see me depressed.  I do see a counselor and it does help somewhat because I can keep talking about how I’m feeling and he has to listen because I pay him. I know I will always feel this way and it is so so painful.  I also watch movies to keep my mind occupied.  Jack is helping, except I’m so afraid of him getting hurt that I am so cautious about everything.  And even then he somehow found a chicken bone on our walk this afternoon and thankfully he let me grab it out of his mouth.  I didn’t see it on the ground.  As soon as he settles in I’m going to teach him the “drop it” command. He is doing better and still has some mistrust as he doesn’t let me touch his feet or face but he is following me around the house and lying down wherever I am.  I’m glad that the weather is nice where you are and you are taking Mylo and Brownie for a long walk.  Even if you cry, it still may make you feel better, even if just for a little while. I know Tiny will be there with the three of you even if you can’t see him. @Eternalsoul Wow, your dream started out so good and ended so terribly.  I am so sorry.  I too am having nightmares. It’s probably because I don’t sleep well and I am always thinking of my boy right before I go to sleep. I always tell him I love him and that I miss him and I am sorry.  I agree that we should try to do something good for ourselves everyday even if, like me, don’t feel I deserve it (how can I try to be happy when he is dead). Getting Jack is what I did for myself. I’m not saving Jack, he is saving me. When I was in Hawaii, my husband and I went on a hike and there was a cliff with the crashing sea below it.  I thought how easy it would be to just step off the cliff and then this pain would be over and I could dance with my baby again.  The only thing that stopped me was thinking how awful that would be for my husband who loves me.  I have him and now Jack to live for. @KayC Thank you for posting the link on grief and PTSD. You are a very kind person. 

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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam

Yeah, I definitely love Jim Morrison. His poetry is amazing.

I lied to myself again. I said that I wouldn't drink but I drank a beer after walking the dogs. Gonna drink one more. I'll start taking better care of myself each day. The walk helped a little. 

That's nice that you'll visit him. I take a picture of her grave whenever I see it. It's like I'm still taking photos of her. It sounds weird. However, they are out and about enjoying the afterlife. We all will perish from our bodies. 

Maybe you can make him something to take to his grave to honor. 

 

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Eternalsoul

@Mandy25

Yes, it started so awesome. I was in shock that she was there and then all of a sudden it turned into a nightmare when she passed in my arms again. I miss her so. It hurt me so much. I have nightmares, too. I wake up throughout the night and just lay there and it all feels so very empty without her. 

I know what you mean about how you were feeling on the hike. I had moments where I'd lay down and ask God to take me. Then I realized how selfish I was being. So, I just keep asking her to never forget me and to please wait for me. 

I cannot let my animals suffer here. They need me. My boyfriend needs me, too. We are kinda best friends. But I love my cat more than him or any human. Sounds awful I know but she gets/got me. I love my pets a lot. 

Plus, taking the easy way out is awful. What if they are still teaching us things and watching out for us? We have to remain strong. I think that they are watching over us and I believe they still have lessons to teach us. We can't let them down. That would break their hearts. 

Yeah, tomorrow I'll try to force myself to do a little bit of weights. I'll do it for her so she knows. I don't want to let her watch me like this but it hurts. 

Sounds weird I know but look at how wonderful they made our lives. Their still is meaning. Their new path has begun. It's almost like they are guiding us. I sound nuts I know. But I truly feel it. This isn't the end. It is the beginning. 

Your husband loves you and I'm sure Jack does already. Your baby is with you forever and you'll reunite. Be strong. Look for the signs. 

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Eternalsoul

 

 

 

Hush now, don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over
Or has it just begun?
There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly, you hear and see
This magic new dimension
Will be watching over you
(I-I-I)
Am gonna help you see it through
(I-I-I)
Will protect you in the night
(I-I-I)
Am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity
If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from the pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...
Will be watching over you
(I-I-I)
Gonna help you see it through
(I-I-I)
Will protect you in the night
(I-I-I)
Am smiling next to you

This song popped into my head as I was walking my dogs.

 

It reminds me that no matter what anyone says or believes...... I WILL SEE MY LOVE AGAIN! ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE IS TRULY LOST.

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@EternalsoulI also believe we will see them again in some form or another as our earthly bodies are just a shell that holds our spirit and energy and when we die that spirit is released. My baby (his name is Petey) taught me so many things. I miss him so much.  If I was alone I may have stepped off that cliff but I could not leave my husband. I also love him so very much. How traumatic that would have been for him. And now that I have Jack too, I will just have to endure the pain and keep on living.  It made me happy today as Jack wagged his tail, licked me, and let me pet him all over. This is only his second day and when he first got here he would try to bite if you touched him.  He is so smart. I can’t wait until he has settled enough to start training him.  He is not a replacement for Petey as Petey is irreplaceable but is wonderful in his own way.  I love your song choices. I don’t think one or two beers is excessive.  I’m also trying to cut down. Yesterday I had one glass of wine and that is all I’m going to have tonight.  I went to the gym which was tough as I wanted to stay with Jack and think about Petey. I do hope you try to do a little bit of weights tomorrow.  It will make you feel better even if just for a moment. 
 

Also, I don’t think you are crazy. I do think they are guiding us. I think everyone that is or has been in our life is there for a purpose.  

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21 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

I wonder if it would be easier if I were married or had a distraction with me.

From my observances over the years, I'd say probably not...sometimes when someone is hit hard with grief and the other is telling them to get over it...it doesn't help.  Instead if creates a barrier between the two that they cannot share in the grief and their innermost feelings.

A distraction?  Perhaps for a bit, like work, but then again when you're heavily in grief and trying to work, it's hard to focus and do your job.  I had to return to work FT two weeks after George died and came in after 4 1/2 days to do payroll.  If I hadn't been used to it, I couldn't have done it.

This is a lonesome journey.  The people here, they help, they get it, they understand, even before we articulate ourselves.

I'm hit hard right now...my BIL of 50 years died 1 1/2 years ago, the tackle shop he owned/operated for 35 years sold, way too cheap...the fellows who bought it were never open.  I learned yesterday that the place was cleared out, sign gone (Bert made that sign himself in his living room!), boarded up.  It was a shock, we were hoping as his legacy, it would continue.  I went to my sister's, brought Kodie and takeout, this wasn't something I could tell her over the phone.

It was hard, we both cried, it felt like a sledgehammer to our hearts and souls!  She called his landlord last night and called me back...he'd sold the building.  They likely ordered everyone clear out, they're opening a sporting goods store.  They know nothing of this town's roots, history, how Bert was always out front, on his bicycle or standing around talking to a customer.  He was an integral part of this town.  He'd been in the service, then retired from the USFS, then lived his dream, owning a tackle shop.  In the early years he'd put up a "Gone Fishing" sign and go up to Odell Lake and take his boat out, and fish.  It helped him keep abreast of the fishing so he could pass on the information to his customers.  Eventually he got too old and his boat sat in his driveway.

Life has it's changes, some welcome, like when I married George, or adopted Arlie, or got Kodie.  Some not welcome, like loss...too many of them, one after another after another.  They are all felt by me, they accumulate in my heart, each one hard in it's own right.

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@KayCI am so sorry about what has happened to your BIL’s shop.  It is awful when they change long standing businesses and buildings and essentially erase some of the town’s history.  I grew up in a small town in California which had a quaint downtown with mostly independently owned businesses.  As I grew up, the town expanded and they built a new modern downtown with chain businesses and most of the old shops were sold to the local college which incorporated those buildings into the school.  The town is just not the same anymore. I am sorry they took your BIL’s  legacy.  I’m sure that adds to the grief you still feel after his death.  Yes, some changes are good but some are very very sad. 

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Eternalsoul

 @Mandy25

I'm glad that you didn't step off the cliff. Jack and your husband desperately need you. Yes, it hurts so very much. In my sleep I can feel my heart aching. Last night I was asleep and it felt like my heart stopped for a few seconds and then I could not breath. It was scary. I was having a nightmare at the time.

Everynight I have nightmares. She was always the first to comfort me after a bad day or when I was sad. Now I have a pillow that she layed on and I kiss it and pretend it's her. It's a shape of a cat... this is awful. 

I keep thinking to myself that it's so unfair that me and my other pets are here. I hope she knows I think of her every minute of every day. I keep talking to her. I tell her that I'm sorry in the morning. I tell her that I love her as I look at the sky. I don't want her to forget me. 

I refuse to accept that she is "gone". I look for signs everywhere. I was making my bed last night and the sheet stayed poofed up with air beneath it. It reminded me of a memory that I had placed far behind. She used to hide under the covers when I'd make the bed. She'd give me the hardest time. It kind of "bugged" at the time 'cause she would do it repetitively and oh man I would give anything for her to make her messes with me again. 

I feel that I took so much for granted. I hope she knows that I love her more than I love myself. I ask God everyday and every night to please reunite us.

And screw anyone who says it's just an animal. Humans are animals, too. 

I don't think that I can go to the gym. For some reason it hurts me to see people laughing and smiling. I know that sounds awful but it's just a reminder of how everything was perfect when she was here. 

I'll just workout at home for maybe 15 to 30 minutes. I'll walk my dogs, too. I like red wine with organic cherry juice or organic  blueberry juice. That's what me and my boyfriend drink (on the rare occasion that he drinks). He's a health freak and everything has to be organic..... he does so to honor his brother who passed.

So, I'll do the same for my little baby. I'll honor her each day by doing something good for my living pets and myself. 

I know that Jack is not a replacement. Nobody can ever replace them. However, with time he may just become very special to you. I wonder if Jack can see Petey.... or sense him. 

Maybe Petey even led you to Jack. We never know. I believe they are truly special and can see and sense things that we cannot or refuse to see. I believe they watch out for us. 

I am so happy for Jack. I am sure Petey is very proud of you. He knows he's not a replacement. They don't think like humans. They are kind and loving. They are different. Especially as a spirit. He knows you need someone to get you out of the house and to keep your mind busy. 

What you're doing for Jack is so beautiful. I know what you mean about being cautious about everything.  He sure is lucky to have you and your husband. 

 

 

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Eternalsoul

@KayC

You're right. Some people prefer not to grieve or mourn and just want to move on. Nobody in my family really understands my bond with my pets. My dad had dogs when I was a child and when they are brought up in conversation he request that we change the subject. He blames himself for their deaths. We all blame ourselves when we truly love someone I guess?

I just wish she lived longer. I wanted her to pass peacefully in her sleep of very old age. We can't write their story. We can only try to edit and proofread it along the way. If that makes sense. 

I guess it's better this way. At least nobody can hear me scream or cry. I can replay the same song over and over. I can honor her life and her passing. I'm thinking of making big posters to hang throughout my home.

My heart aches so much for her. I wish I wouldn't have allowed my family to stay with me because I keep thinking of how that attack wouldn't have ever happened. They would in a way disrupt my dog from obeying me. She started behaving like a brat. Now she's behaving the way I taught her to behave. 

It really makes me mad. I wish I never let them stay here...... my baby would more than likely be here. My dog was getting frustrated with them. They were always upset about my rules. My sister and her boyfriend would throw fast food to my dogs (possibly onions) , give her extra servings (when I said not to) and if I told my dog "no" for any reason they'd pet her and comfort her. I even saw that my sister threw chocolate on the ground. Thank God I found it first. She told me she hated my smaller dog because he barked at her everyday. I wonder why....

I cannot believe any of this. My dog was confused! Nothing like this has ever happened. It's very tragic all of it. I can't help but to think that she'd be here if I would have put my foot down with my "family". 

This is one reason I don't want to be around my mom or sister. We've never had a good relationship but I tried so hard. This, though, has just ruined it all for me. It's almost like a final "screw you" from them to me. I wish them health and happiness but I just can't bare to be around them anytime soon. Plus, my sister never liked me. I wish them a beautiful life. I forgive them and want them to live a joyous life but I need to do this on my own.

My family is here with me (my pets). With God all things are possible. I walk with him now! Maybe one day I can be around my mom but when I think of her and my sister that day of the attack replays in my mind...... and I get upset. 

It's OK. This has brought me closer to God, which makes me closer to my baby. She's in Heaven. I trust it so. I had 7 weeks to try to make her better. I'm thankful for those 7 weeks. I wanted 7 more years though. We can't bargain with the will of God. 

This is a lesson God is teaching me. A test I must persevere through. I refuse to fail. 

I am so very sorry to hear about your BIL's shop. It is awful when people just destroy and destroy. The kind thing for them to do would be to honor the person who had it prior to them. Some people are so heartless. They only care about their wants and needs. 

Is there anyway you can get the sign back? 

He seems like such a cool guy! I am so sorry for you and your sister. 

I wish they would have reached out to you guys prior to this. 

How sad. Some people have no morals or character. 

Yes, the losses accumulate but we have to remember that Heaven gained angels through our temporary losses. 

 

 

 

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magicmiriam

@KayCIt's sad how all the little mom and pop stores are closing down and being replaced by chain stores. There used to be so many small family owned businesses everywhere and now you hardly see any especially since Covid, so many closed down. It's a capitalistic world we live in. It's sad. The middle class will be wiped out eventually, you'll have the poor and the rich. Governments' are just businesses in the end. I understand your sorrow, like you said, some change is welcomed and some is heartbreaking.

@Mandy25 i keep thinking about Jack and how you guys are slowly getting to now each other. I'm happy for you. I'm jealous you can go to the gym and not forget about self care. I'm not there yet. For 12 years Tiny was my light and now i'm in the dark, i can't see my way, I know i need to take care of myself , my husband is a personal trainer and a professional athlete, he's always telling me to pull myself together. Like i said i'm fake and pretend to be ok but still refuse to go to the gym, he can't see me depressed anymore. I love him and don't want to rock the boat but i'm dying inside. When i go out to do errands i eat fast food, when no one is looking i'll have vodka and orange juice, i started smoking again. I don't recognize myself. From lifting weights 4 times a week, eating vegan organic, never drank, not even wine,,quit smoking years ago. It's like i'm looking for immediate comfort which all these things give me. I'm disgusted  with myself but at the same time i couldn't care less. I keep it together enough to function, i go to work (i work online thank God) , i take care of the dogs, i give them so much attention and smother them with love all day, i cook, i clean, have sex (have to keep the flame going), i'm on autopilot really. I just don't recognize myself. I think i'm a great actress, never thought i could act but otherwise my parents, sisters, brother, friends, husband would be on my back , probably have an intervention for me or something. No one gets how Tiny was my child, if they read even a little on how mothers feel when they lose a child they would bite their tongues. I know it's out of love but i'm not looking for love.

@Eternalsouli was going to visit Tiny's grave today but of course it's pouring outside, i will go tomorrow. I also think of Tiny all day and all night and dream he comes back to me. I have so much guilt it's eating me up inside. I can't stop having flashbacks too. It's constant. I regret not only the last few months that he was sick and i made mistakes (only now i know i made mistakes) but i have guilt about so much more. I regret going out shopping when i could have been with him, i regret being online for hours when i could have been with him or being on the phone or everything i did that was a waste of time when he was right under my nose. So many times, i said,,,not now Tiny. It kills me that he wanted my attention and i did something useless. What was i thinking, why didn't i spend every minute with him. I always knew he wouldn't live forever but i never expected him to pass away when he did and so suddenly. I saw it coming but i didn't see it coming. I'm still in shock. The more time passes the greater my grief, it's a paradox. Everyone said it gets better with time. I sometimes feel that no one loved anyone the way i loved Tiny. I should have been a better mother, i failed. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me i was a good mother, inside i know what i did or didn't do. All he wanted was my full attention and i was always busy with other things. Yes i know i needed to live but i also should have stopped everything when he put his paw on me to come with him and play.

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@magicmiriam

You are not alone in the guilt. I remember I'd be laying down browsing on my phone and she would always lay on my chest and purr. She'd nudge my phone so that I'd put it aside and so that I'd stare into her eyes. I'd pet her and then sometimes I'd move her to the side of me. I regret this so much. I feel like scum for doing this to her. Why was I so stupid. I thought she'd be here for many more years. I never expected her to leave me so soon. I can't even look online anymore the way I previously did. Before this I'd always be online shopping/browsing. 

Then, after the attack and while trying to make her better, I would go to the gym "to release stress" and I hate myself for going. I keep thinking if I would have stayed here and gave her extra care that she'd be here. I'd go once or twice a week but I think to myself I should have stayed here and worked out beside her. 

 

What a fool I feel like. 

 

I'm even mad at myself for going to my boyfriend's house to watch a movie. I even went to visit some family about 30 miles away when I went grocery shopping. 

I thought she was making a recovery so after I saw her "getting better" I allowed myself to go do things at least once or twice a week. I'd leave for maybe 2 to 4 hours max. Mostly in the evenings while she was resting. 

I also hate myself because one day she and I were outside and my mind was preoccupied with some stupid drama that doesn't even matter. I'd give up all my friends just to have her back. I'd give up a lot. I wish I saw things like I see them now. Why was I so blind?

I'd be on the phone too and if I could redo it all I'd never answer anyone's call. I'd never leave to do anything. Nobody matters to me like she does and I messed up. 

She is more important but I really thought she was getting better. But now I see that I made so many mistakes in helping her get better. I'm a fool. That's why I ask her to forgive me. 

I never would intentionally hurt her!!!!!!! I thought I was helping her. But it hurts me that all these years I'd sometimes push her to the side so I can stare into my phone. I'd give up all devices to have her back. 

I can't relate entirely to you but I can understand where you're coming from. I hate myself in a way for not being perfect with her. She was perfect with me.

The night or so before she died I even went to hang out with my boyfriend. I am so thankful she didn't pass away without me. She passed away at about 1 am the next evening in my bed. 

I started drinking at 8 am that morning. It was too much for me. Before this I too only ate non gmo/ organic. I was vegan for several years but I eat fresh farm eggs now. 

I miss her so much. It bothers me too when people say I gave her a good life and remember the good times. That's stupid. 

As if that solves the problem? 

I try to remember the good times but it's just another reminder of what I "lost". The only thought that helps is knowing I'll be with her. 

She kept hitting my face and I wonder if she was trying to tell me something. She even went to sit by her kibble but for some reason wasn't eating it. I regret not putting kibble on the bed with a bowl of water like I did with my elderly cat who passed years ago. 

I should have done so much more. I just kept syringe feeding her and sometimes she'd lick food on her own. I hate myself. I would have rather let down and lost friendships instead of her. 

 

I would rather everyone hate me for being a jerk for ignoring their invitations or phone calls. 

If I could turn back time I'd choose her over them all..

I wish I could just be with her already but I may have a long road ahead. 

I don't understand entirely how you feel but I too have so much guilt. It's like that scene.... from this movie. I don't want to say anything that will offend you but I do think that Tiny knows you loved him and still do. Although I would place my cat to the side she knows I loved her and always will. They know it. This isn't to offend you but they felt our love and still feel it. 

I am so sorry to my little baby. I am so stupid. I wish I could redo it all. 

The great thing is we all will be able to as long as we have Faith. 

 

 

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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam

Also, another thing... my mom rubbed it in my face that I left from my house a night or two nights before she passed away to Heaven. I didn't think she was going to pass. This is a lot of guilt to carry and part of the reason I keep drinking. I can't even talk to my mom after this. She just reminds me of my failures. I made sure to leave only in the evenings while she slept and after I fed her and gave supplements. 

I am disgusted with myself that I even left the house. I'd give them all up (friends and human family) to have her back. 

 

If God gave me a choice I'd choose her over all of them. 

I am making the choice to walk with him now. I have to be with her again. Plesse God. 

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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam

I'm finding this really hard to deal with/accept. 

I am ashamed of myself that I even left her side even it was for a couple of hours. I'm ashamed that I'd tall on the phone, too. 

 

I don't know what else to do. I drink to numb myself from the guilt and the emptiness.

 

Please be strong. I will say this is you and him have true love an eternal bond no matter what mistakes you think you made.

 

True love is eternal. We all make mistakes. He knows it wasn't intentional, OK?

 

 

 

They burn in us forever until we meet again. 

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@Eternalsoul @magicmiriam I also feel so guilty of so many things.  I couldn’t process Petey’s death and went looking for what I did wrong.  Why didn’t I do this before he died? When he was alive,  I laid down with him and spent time looking at my phone (he didn’t really like to be petted, just wanted me to be close).  Why didn’t I research things then?  I thought it was ok that he was swallowing those regular sized kibbles whole as he wasn’t choking and I’ve had a dog that didn’t chew kibble before and had no problems. How stupid am I? He probably couldn’t chew them for some reason and just swallowed.  He was too old for a dental and even though I brushed his teeth he may have had a sore tooth or something. I also feel so guilty that I got upset when he pooped in the house the last few months and tracked it all over.  I was never mad at him but I did get upset (not at him or in front of him) and wonder if he knew it. Looking back, I think he sent me signs the last few weeks that he didn’t really want to eat those kibbles but did because he had to.  That’s why he probably ate less and lost that pound and 3 ounces.  The last 2 weeks before he stopped eating and drinking anything, his interest in any food, even stuff he loved,  was declining and lost another 8 ounces.  I would give anything for a do over.  I didn’t know that they have animal hospice.  I wish I had done that for Petey so they could have guided me in how to care for a terminally ill dog. I don’t think either of you have anything to feel guilty for as I believe you were both wonderful parents but I know me saying that does not really help. I will always feel guilty for my stupidity no matter what anyone says. 

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@EternalsoulI think we all take things for granted as losing a loved one is too hard to imagine and we think they will be there forever even though we know that isn’t true.  I  never thought Petey would die even as he progressively got worse.  I even told my husband I would not go to Hawaii because I needed to stay with Petey. My husband saw he was getting worse, but  I could not accept it. Now I don’t know if I contributed to him dying. I feel awful all the time and am only going to the gym because I feel I have to for my husband and Jack. Luckily, the gym is at my condo complex and there is usually no one there. I really just want to stay with Jack and think about Petey. I am happy you are seeing signs from your beloved baby. I haven’t seen any signs but do think Petey led me to Jack. I was not going to get another dog, but one day I told my husband that I needed to, for Petey.  I think I am more lucky to have Jack than he is to have me.

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@EternalsoulI don’t understand how your Mom and sister can be so mean.  What they are saying to you is untrue.  They should be so proud of you for trying so hard to help your baby.  I don’t understand how they could treat you that way.  My vet made me feel worse. At first when I asked him if I contributed to Petey’s death he said “absolutely not” but the next time (I talked to him a couple times) he said “I don’t believe so, no”.  So there is some doubt in that statement.  This is after confirming that his tumor in his bladder was large and that it had most likely had spread to his brain. I wish he had given me more guidance but he seemed to have given up on Petey. I took him there every 2 months and 3 times the last 2 1/2 months (not including the final time).

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@Mandy25

Oh dear. I can relate so much to this. I have another cat who was sick a few years ago and I brought him back to health and I followed the same routine for her. What an idiot..

I should have listened to her "hints". I should have payed better attention. Instead of online shopping and trusting myself with her wellness I should have researched better on how to care for her. I should have watched videos but instead since I've "helped" other cats before I thought I knew what I was doing. 

I was giving her that nutritional gel to supplement for her not eating on her own. I still syringe fed her but I realized after she had passed to Heaven that I should have been giving her more nutritional gel. I was afraid to give her more because I suspected that she wouldn't be able to handle so much. That was very hard to accept. I kept saying over and over in my head that if I gave her more gel she'd be here. I even was mad that I didn't give her more protein but didnt want to hurt kidneys. I should have given her food every 30 minutes by syringe I thought but instead I said I'll let her sleep and then give her food when she wakes up. Towards the end I got desperate and syringe fed her so much. I wish I did that in the beginning. After the attack it took her two weeks to get "better". So, she was throwing up fluid. She always had respiratory issues where she'd have mucus. So, her lungs were clearing out by vomiting. She recovered after I gave her clavamox for cats. Then I wonder if I didn't give her the proper nutrition. This is hard to face. 

I didn't want to hurt her kidneys by overdoing it with too much of this or that. She was drinking lots of water before this so that's a sign of the kidneys... they say. She was drinking water on her own up until the end so I'd give her fluids and subcutaneous fluids. It's devastating. Where did I go wrong..

I'm so stupid. I was even giving her plain bone broth thinking it would work wonders just because it worked on the previous cat who was injured and not eating. Why didn't I listen to what SHE needed? I should have wrote out a plan and followed it. 

I wish I knew then what I know now.

I too would get upset when she'd poo in strange areas around the house. As she got older she preferred her own pooping area. I never yelled at her or was angry with her. Just frustrated but I'd give anything to have her poo wherever she wanted. I know how that feels.... I'd get upset about messes here and there but I'd never take it out on her. It's just being human. 

There were days she'd sit at her bowl and look up at me and I'd syringe feed her or give her wer food instead. I didn't think she'd eat the kibble because one day she just stared at it and another day she couldn't open her mouth to get kibble in. She always ate so odd because her back teeth were all removed years prior due to stomatitis of her gums. 

I wish I would have put her more food (kibble) and waited to see if she could eat on her own. Why did I insist on mousse and wet food. It eats away at me the mistakes I made. It hurts that I was able to save other cats but not my favorite baby. That kills me so much. 

I was giving her organic baby food, broth, nutritional gel and cat mousse/gravy mixed together. 

I should have broken the kibble up for her into small pieces and mixed it with the wet food. What an idiot!!!! I'm truly ashamed of myself. This is probably why I don't want to eat. I eat one meal a day. I feel guilty if I inadvertently caused her decline. Please forgive me. I ask her each day. 

My boyfriend said that she was old and that any sort of attack would have caused an older cat to go downhill. She was only 12 or 13. That's not that old. 

I miss her so much. It hurts a lot. I hope she knows I'd never do anything to hurt her. At the time I was so proud of myself because I thought I was bringing her back to health. Sadly, I was blind. 

I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. 

Thank you for your kind words. I know you feel awful and partially to blame but Petey knows you love him. I hope they know this wasn't intentional. 

I think you did so much for him that others would have thrown in the towel and just let him deal with it alone. 

 

You showed him so much love. I think it's that we love them so much that NOTHING is ever good enough. 

Your love for him is eternal and his love for you is eternal. It is stronger than death. We all make mistakes. But now he is free from the pains of his earthly body. He loves you so much and is watching over you.

 

I believe she's still with me but the guilt just kills me. 

 

 

 

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@magicmiriam I don’t really care about myself, I am only trying to do better on self care for my husband and Jack.  I am trying to work out but am too depressed to do what I used to do.  I used to spend 1 1/2 hours per day 5-6 days per week at the gym but now I’m lucky if I spend an hour there.  I have only worked out a couple times since coming back from Hawaii.  In Hawaii I did nothing but a few short hikes. Did a lot of drinking though.  I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad and know a lot of what you are going through. A lot of people don’t understand the bond  with animals.  Petey was also my child as Tiny was yours.  They are loving, forgiving souls that look to us for their everything.  They have no agenda or malicious intent and thus are more pure and better than humans.  The fact that I let Petey down kills me.  I imagine him being hungry and wondering why Mom isn’t feeding me more of the better food rather than those kibbles.  All his life  I always had to work on keeping his weight down as I tended to feed him too much. These thoughts give me nightmares. My husband also doesn’t understand my depression. I know he loved Petey and when he died was the first time I have seen him cry.  I don’t know how they can just move on.  I never will. 
Jack is doing so much better. He does not try to bite anymore and is sleeping with us now.  He is much more secure on his walks and even tries to greet people that walk by.  

 

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@Mandy25

I do not think you are to blame. What you were dealing with is cancer. That's very difficult to conquer. You stood by Petey and you TRIED, which is so honorable and beautiful. You showed him LOVE. He saw that you tried. Sometimes we cannot beat fate. 

I often wonder if she knew she was going to pass because she became so overly affectionate with me toward the end of her physical earthly body existence. 

You aren't to blame... I know you'll feel guilty like me. But you gave and showed him true love. That love will keep you both together until fully reunited. 

It truly is awful I know. No matter how much people say otherwise. But if you can remember the love you guys shared and still share maybe it will help. It's not over. It's just the beginning of the spiritual connection between you two. 

Yep, we truly are blessed with them. But remember you saved Jack from loneliness and from possible euthanization. 

Petey is so proud of you I bet. 

 

@Mandy25

Oh, and for my mom and sister. They have never really liked animals so they don't understand. They just care about the news and Hollywood gossip. 

I am different. I'm the outsider I suppose. 

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@Eternalsoul I also wonder if Petey knew he was in his final chapter here on earth because he too became more affectionate the last year. All his life, due to his hydrocephalus, he had times when he would  be aggressive for no reason and the past year, he had no episodes and was very clingy (which was so unlike him).  I think you did over and above what anyone would do for your baby.  I was so worried about giving Petey another attack of pancreatitis or hurting his kidneys that it didn’t even dawn on me that he wasn’t getting enough protein those last couple months. Since I wasn’t giving him any additional meat, he also wasn’t getting enough B12.  I thought, like you, that I was doing everything right (although I think that you were). How stupid! Looking back,  I remember one morning after I had given him some treats and he acted all excited thinking he was getting more but I didn’t give him any more until later because I wanted to leave some room for kibble. (He would normally eat his kibble when there were no more treats but now he was eating less of it).  I should have taken some of the kibbles and crushed them and see if he would eat those then .  I should have asked the vet what I could feed him instead of those prescription kibbles when back in August he wouldn’t eat them softened with oatmeal.  He still swallowed them dry on his own schedule, so I didn’t. He was doing pretty well up until September that I thought he would continue to do well. I was so wrong.  Your baby knows you loved her and tried your best for her. She loves you and I do think we will reunite with them one day.

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@magicmiriam@Mandy25@Eternalsoul

I'm going to be a bit of a "mother hen" for a moment because the mom in me just can't help herself.

I am so pleased (not quite the right word) that the three of you have connected and are supporting and comforting each other the way you have been.  And the songs, poems, and quotes are both apt and meaningful.  That's one of the best things about these forums.

Okay, now the "mom" part:

I want you all to read the kind, comforting, and caring things you are writing to the others--and I want you to please try to apply them to yourselves.  Each of you is so thoughtful and supportive in what you write to the other two, yet you are all so hard on yourselves.  Believe me, I know I'm asking a lot here.  It sometimes seems impossible and, frankly, I don't always succeed for myself, even now after years have gone by.  But it's a start. 

Sometimes one of the members will write something like, "What would you say to a friend right now?"  In fact, I think I have written that to at least one of you.  I kept hearing/reading that in the first 18 months or so after John died.  I'd think, "Yeah, sure.  You weren't there; you don't know all the ways I screwed up/could or should have done better.  You don't know how much I wish I didn't have this guilt or that I could push down how his last months and weeks haunt me.  Idiot!"  But of course, I didn't say those things.  Eventually I realized that the members on all the forums here do, in fact, know.  They weren't "there," but they have been or are in their own hells on earth.  They understand the crushing guilt and endless "What if?" and "Why?" that I couldn't seem to get through.  It is a long, slow, and painful journey.  I can't and won't sugarcoat that.  But it is a journey and one of the first steps forward is to start looking at all that we did right, at least that's my feeling about it.

So take this bit of mom-ness for what it's worth, which may be very little.  It's just that I hate to see each of you beating yourselves up while at the same time being able to find compassion and care for the others.((HUGS))

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Eternalsoul

@Mandy25

I read your comment to magicmiriam and oh my gosh... the part about him wondering why mom isn't feeding me enough so resonates with me. I don't think he thought that though. You were giving him treats. When they get older they naturally want less. They also lose weight. If you would have given him more you may have agitated his pancreatic issues. I think you extended his life by feeding him the way you did. 

I fear that she thought the same though..... She kept pawing at my mouth as we cuddled at night. Now that I look back I wonder if she was telling me "please feed me more". It's killing me to think.... at the time I thought she was trying to just wake me up.. maybe I was making weird noises in my sleep.....I should have known better. 

But after she passed to Heaven it seemed as if everything was more "clear and evident". Why..........

I must admit I was very stressed because I was worried about losing her and then we had a really bad snow storm here and it sort of threw everything off track. 

She was doing so good but those days where she couldn't get warm direct sunlight I wonder if it prevented her from getting the vitamin d to heal her from within... I did not know if there was internal damage from the "attack". I know there was a little mark of a tooth but nothing that got infected. I gave her antibiotics for cats. She walked and was mentally aware. We went for a walk together outside and she kept looking for a spot to hide. 

I fear that I did not give her enough taurine, which is very beneficial for cats. You mentioned the b12.  I wonder if I deprived her of anything else. I hope not. 

I don't think I gave her enough gel..... I thought I was at the time. There were days she'd spit it out and I would give her more. I wonder if she didn't even swallow it those times.... I started to put it in warm water and gave it to her in her food. I should have done that sooner. 

I think I screwed up somewhere. If only they could talk? I hope I didn't make her suffer. Please God. They are now in a place where no pain exist. Do they see us suffering though? I worry that I'm upsetting her. I wrote to her in my journal today. I am writing all of her memories. I'm writing and telling her about my day and how much I miss her. We miss her. 

My guilt has caused me to refrain from relishing in food. I now eat just to keep myself going for my other pets. Everything taste so gross to me. So bland. I feel I don't deserve to eat anything nice. I was even thinking of doing 7 weeks of just fruit and vegetables. That's how long I had with her after the attack. I can't believe I'm going that far. I'll eat healthy for my pets. I will eat for her. 

I have lost almost all of my muscle gains. Thank goodness for muscle memory if I ever get the strength to start again. I did one pull up and hold today. I walked the dogs for 25 minutes. It is better than nothing. I'll try tomorrow to work out. 

I had a chihuahua/dachsaund mix by the name of Cocoa and she passed to Heaven unexpectedly in my arms when I was 23 years old. Well, the week before she died she was sitting and visiting with everyone. I thought it was strange because she even sat with my other dog who she disliked with a passion. They cuddled. I knew something was going to occur when I witnessed that. I just was in denial. 

I took photos of her the evening before she passed away never knowing she'd leave me at 5 am the next morning. She let out a scream and within a few minutes she was gone. I took that very hard. I fell asleep with her body. But yes I think that they "know". I believe 100 percent that they do. They seem to accept things more easily than us. I wonder if an angel even comes to "warn" them. That way they can tell us "goodbye for now but I'll see you later" in their own way. With her death I did not analyze everything. I just regretted giving her these stupid bones that may not have been digestible for her small frame. I was just a kid when I had her. She was 11 when she passed to Heaven. 

This one is so different. None of their passings to Heaven are alike. My first dog died a horrible slow death. I was only 10. I watched him as blood dripped from his nose and mouth. His ribs were  visible. It was awful. Neither of my parents did anything to help him. They had the money, too. I never felt so helpless for someone. They just ignored that he was like that. How.... why?

Too preoccupied with work and their own issues I assume. He was my best friend and until now nothing has hurt me as much as losing him. 

I thought I would be able to protect all of my pets. One thing I can say is that you are not like other people who just leave their dogs on chains. I know this probably won't help but you tried and you showed him that you cared and that you loved and still love him.

I can't imagine what my dog went through as he had blood dripping from his mouth and nose. So skinny his ribs were sharp. I watched him decline. My parents did not help him. I was 10 and I knew my best friend was dying. I asked them to help him and they didn't. I woke up one day and found his lifeless body beside our home. He passed to Heaven by my bedroom. He was my everything. I got bullied in school. I didn't care though 'cause I knew I had my best friend at home. But that was all taken away. I don't know what happened to him to this day. I wonder if someone poisoned him.... I never recovered from that and the night before my cat passed to Heaven I was crying for him. I've cried all these years for him. I miss him, too. That's 24 years of missing him. 

I hope you can take comfort in knowing that you tried. That means so much to him. Your love for him continues to give him reason in the afterlife. You really showed him so much that many others will sadly never have. I know that might not help you. We will always have guilt. 

One day it will all make sense. 

 

 

 

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Eternalsoul

@Mandy25

After Cocoa died I was very sad, too. It took me a long time to get over it but I think that since she had no medical issues and because she went so fast I didn't feel as guilty. I felt guilt though but not like this. This is literally killing me.

I did analyze taking her for a walk at a park now that I think of it and it took me a long time to get over that guilt. I wonder if she ingested or sniffed diseased poop. 

So, yes her passing hurt me very much. I also questioned if someone dropped a raisin that week. They are toxic. 

She also got stung by a wasp on our walk a month before.

I went over it in my head but as I mentioned each way is different. They go differently. I've had a lot of animals and still do. 

Her passing was very hard on me. I think it took me 3 years to accept it and to see it for what it is. It wasn't as painful as this though. 

I love my Cocoa so much. I know she's in Heaven. 

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@foreverhis I wish I could be kind to myself. Unfortunately, I don’t feel I deserve it.  I loved my dog so much and did do a whole lot right during the 12 years he was with me.  That is why I don’t believe this happened.  I was a helicopter mom to him.  He had so many issues from the beginning and I feel I did do so much to give him a happy life until those last couple months when I thought I was doing the right thing. He was my child and I loved him so much. 
I am so sorry about your losing such a wonderful man and about your own painful and difficult journey.  I will try and focus on the positive things, but right now it is difficult.

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@EternalsoulThat is horrible about what happened to your first dog.  Have you asked your Mom what was going on with him and why they didn’t help him?  I’m so sorry that happened to you.  I am also so sorry about Cocoa. How shocking to die so suddenly and unexpectedly. My cat Charlie also died suddenly without any warning.  It was so heartbreaking.  I loved her and still grieve her death.

I don’t think cats can get vitamin D from sunlight like humans so you didn’t deprive her of that.  I know, like you,  I was afraid to give Petey things that would hurt him because of all his other issues. I thought that since he was doing so good for 9 months after his diagnosis (except for the straining to pee and unsteadiness) that I was doing the right thing. True,  I would never ever chain an animal. I have never even crated my dogs.  I wouldn’t put a child in a crate so why would I put my dog in one. Petey had multiple beds and toys and could have slept with us if he wanted to (he didn’t want to). He went on all our vacations. When he didn’t want to go for walks anymore, I took him out in his carriage which he loved.  I tended to over feed him and had to watch his weight.  This is why I don’t believe this happened. How could I be so stupid?

I know that you gave your cat as well as all your babies a wonderful life. She also knows that you love her and that you were only trying to make her better. I am happy that you did a little bit of exercise. I hope that made you feel a little better even for a moment.  

 

 

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Eternalsoul

Hello @foreverhis

This is my second attempt to respond to you. I ran outside to get something and by the time I returned it must have deleted. 

I love your photo. It reminds me of this butterfly I keep seeing. It's mostly black with hints of gold/yellow. I like to think that it's a "sign" from my cat. I heard birds chirping this morning and I too took that for a "sign". I know I'm overdoing it here but there's a great possibility! I was depressed but I insisted it was a sign still. 

I like to look at the beauty in life. If we think about it everything that is beautiful (nature mostly for me) is a "sign". A little boy opened the door for me when I went to the store last week. I took that for a "sign", too. I saw a few "signs" here and there. I like to believe that God is everywhere and that means my cat is with him... somewhere. 

I even keep seeing her from the corner of my eye. I thought a bucket and a sweatshirt were her today. I keep walking around and I think it's her but it's another cat. My heart sinks. I take my mind "playing tricks on me" as signs. I saw her walking from the corner of my eye. Nothing was there.

All these "signs" remind me that she's OK and with God. I pray everyday that she is and that all our loved ones are safe. Again, I'm just making everything to be a "sign".

I am so very thankful for this site and for each person who has read and who has commented.

When you mention "hell on Earth" it sank in because in the morning that's exactly how I feel. It is the most difficult part of my day. It takes everything I have to not be weak. 

That reminds me of this song I had on replay for a while today. I saw them live in Arizona a few years ago.

He says "you could call it a paradise but it looks just like hell to me." Meaning that true paradise is in Heaven not the world.... 

I love music (with meaning)  it helps me in so many ways. It's therapeutic. 

Thank you for the insight and for taking the time to guide us. I know. It's so easy to notice the good that others have done. Outside looking in.... 

I know I can never take their guilt away much less my own. I just hope that they and anyone reading this finds comfort and Faith in knowing that they will reunite with their loved ones. True love is eternal. I can't say this enough. We are stronger than death. It's just the beginning. 

I don't want anyone to give up or to go down the wrong path away from where their loved ones are. I would want  someone to stop me from ruining any chance from being with her again. 

I talk to God everyday and before this I never did. 

We all are on here because we are sad or hurting. That proves that we care and that we always will. 

I have never walked in their shoes but I believe that they showed them true love. That's what matters the most... I think.

But still it doesn't stop the guilt. I keep wishing she were here. 

I hope this guilt doesn't eat me up. I just know that no matter what I have to keep the faith. Also, I want other people to have strength. 

I know we will all reunite with them. That's what keeps me going. 

You are so strong. I know that I don't know you but you seem like you are from what you wrote. 

I am so sorry that we are all here on this site but if it wasn't for the people on here everything would probably be way more difficult and horrid. 

Thank you so much. I appreciate it because the women in my family aren't very empathetic. I have one aunt who loves animals but she lives very far. She was very understanding. She too believes that we will be with them again. 

My cat was multiple family members for me. If that makes sense. She was like a mom and like a child to me... a soul mate and a friend. Sounds weird I know. Now it's like I'm all on my own again.... it's devastating. I feel incomplete. 

I sound so selfish because I have my other pets but the day that her spirit left her physical body was the day so many things were "taken from me"...

She was and still is my everything. It's just hard to process. I still won't accept it. 

I play music for her and sing for her. 

I still have these pets to live for and I need to give them a good life. 

I miss her so much. 

Thank you again for stepping in as a "mother hen".... it means so much. 

I'm sure that you make John very proud while he watches over you. 

I'll try to take your advice but as you mentioned it seems impossible right now. The nightmares make it worse I think. I hope I don't have any tonight. 

I keep looking for her in my dreams.

 

Thank you so much. 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Mandy25 said:

I wish I could be kind to myself. Unfortunately, I don’t feel I deserve it.

I know, truly.  Sometimes I still feel that way myself.  But please put that notion somewhere in the back of your mind and heart.  With time, I hope you are able to see that you do deserve comfort and compassion. 

22 minutes ago, Eternalsoul said:

I love your photo. It reminds me of this butterfly I keep seeing. It's mostly black with hints of gold/yellow. I like to think that it's a "sign" from my cat. I heard birds chirping this morning and I too took that for a "sign". I know I'm overdoing it here but there's a great possibility! I was depressed but I insisted it was a sign still. 

Thank you.  I love that photo too.  I took it years back when the Monarchs were nesting, including in our neighbor's lantana.  John loved butterflies, so it seemed appropriate.

No, I don't think you're overdoing it.  Whatever seems like a sign to you is a sign.  I'm sure that some people who don't get it would think some of the things I believe to be signs to be nothing.  They're not nothing.  Even if they aren't signs, they comfort me and that's enough for me.

27 minutes ago, Eternalsoul said:

It's so easy to notice the good that others have done. Outside looking in.... 

Absolutely!  I tend to be the same way, so it's been a real process trying to be kind to myself.  I forgive others quickly, but can beat myself up for small mistakes I made years ago.  We are our own worst critics.  When you're ready, I hope you will start to see what a truly loving, caring person you are and that you will start to believe the best of yourself, rather than the mistakes we are all bound to make.  We are, after all, only human and can only do our best at the time.

 

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Eternalsoul

@Mandy25

I have asked both my mom and my dad and they pin the blame on the other. My dad said he was "busy" with work and my mom said "it was my dad's responsibility"....... my mom doesn't appreciate animals. I never witnessed her bond with an animal. They both had the money. Really great careers, infact. 

My dad on the other hand would work and then go straight to the bar up the road. It seemed he was only around on the weekends... Such a lovely upbringing! He had his reasons I suppose. I am not upset about that. He loved dogs so much though back then. He brought a few strays to live with us. My mom did not like that. My mom disliked when I'd rescue animals. I've been doing it for years. 

I rescued a cat when I was younger and my sister intentionally took it to a park and "set it free". I had him for a year. She photographed me as I was crying. She laughed the whole time. I still have that photo. I'm glad I'm not like her. Thank God. 

I have sort of resented my parents for my dog passing away like that for several years because either one could have dropped him off at the vet. I've even brought it up several times throughout these 24 years when they were being condescending toward me. I really love that dog more than them. I know. It sounds awful but it's true. I'm not ashamed to admit it. 

I'm not bitter but it just hurts me that he went that way. I cry for him often. I even talk to him asking him to watch over me and to be with me. I've never forgotten his memories. 

Weird. I know. But I know they exist still. They are with us. 

That's why when I read yours and magicmiriams comments I see that you both did a reallllllllllly great job (in my opinion) and my dog would have been lucky to even have someone like you guys to help him. Some of them are just left to suffer and to pass without a loving touch. That loving touch means everything to them and they will remember and hold it with them in eternity while they wait. 

It hurts to know that my dog passed away alone outside. I ran to go hug him that morning and he was gone. I'll never forget it. I was so disappointed in my parents for years. I still am, frankly. I know I sound bitter about it. Maybe I am. I think I'm more sad for him than bitter.

I just never got over it. It was like a kick in the face to me and him. They knew that was my dog and they did nothing to save him. A part of me died that day, too. He took a piece of me. 24 years later and I still cry. True love never fades or dies. 

That is so adorable that you'd take him in a carriage. That's precious. I bet he loved that. Now he's with you wherever you go. He's in your heart and in your soul. I feel that when my cat passed to Heaven that I kept a part of her and she took a part of me. 

My boyfriend said that he feels his brother everywhere now. I look at everything and think of her. Where are you my beautiful girl? I think to myself.

I understand. My girl was sort of overweight and she lost weight after the attack due to catching a cold from the stress. She couldn't keep all food down the first week and a half. I regret not feeding her more. I feel so stupid but I thought I was helping her organs by not giving them too much of this or that to process. She had issues before with her gut and poop. So, I thought I was preventing further issues. 

I should have blended the kibble. I should have given her olive oil or eggs (to get more fat). I keep thinking of all the things I should have done. 

You were trying for him and that's what matters. I think they can see our love. He knows you were trying but I think they know that they are headed to Heaven. You tried so very hard. That's what is beautiful. He won't forget it. 

My mom said she had "4 more years".... but then when I was led to that bible verse about God knowing the exact time we will die I was somewhat comforted.

I still go back and forth with the "what ifs" and the "could have beens"...but I'm going to trust that God took her for a greater purpose. 

I just beg God to please protect her, my other pets in Heaven and everyone's loved ones. 

I'll never stop telling her that I love her and miss her as long as I exist. Hopefully one day I can stop saying "I miss you" and I'll say "I missed you" instead. 

I hope you have that day with Petey, too.

I wish this for everyone who has "lost" someone. Remember that it's only temporary. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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