I want to dig up my baby out of his grave

[Eternalsoul]

@foreverhis

That is so neat that you took that photo yourself! You must be a professional/skilled photographer.

I bet every time you see a butterfly you think of John. They are such magnificent beings. 

If our signs mean nothing to others than that's fine. It's what we feel and think. Only we have that connection. Nothing is trivial. We know. 

I'll try to be kind to myself. The only reason I'll do so is because I don't want to disappoint God, my pets in Heaven and my pets here. 

I sound like a crazy animal lady but they have made my life so much more meaningful. My family doesn't understand why I love them so much. A few months ago my sister said animals are a ball and chain. "Rolls eyes"

I disagree. They are my reason and my purpose in life.

As I mentioned, I'm going to write to my cat the "kind" things that I will  do for myself in honor of her. 

I refuse to believe that she's gone. She's not. 

I hope that you can be kind to yourself, as well. You are very strong and I thank you for your guidance. 

Every kind word means so much to me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[magicmiriam]

@foreverhis I try to be caring with my words to others it's true but i'm very hard on myself. I know i did my best for Tiny, so i'm told, but did i really? I have guilt because i know i could have done more. I have surveillance cameras all over my house that record 2 weeks back. When Tiny passed away i made sure to download the last 2 weeks. When i went over the footage i felt like throwing up. Do you know how many times, i walked around him while he was asking for attention, do you know how many hours i spent on my phone while he put his paw on me and stared at me for attention, do you know how many times he followed me and i didn't pay attention to him? I don't call that doing my best. He was not eating his food and i see myself giving him treat after treat , i thought treats are better than no food at all at the time, i was just lazy if you ask me. Yes i did a lot for him, he got Fish ol, glucosamine, pumpkin seed oil, b12, Q10, taurine, carnitine, the highest grade food for years, so what, it doesn't make me better, he was my child, it's a given.

I'm angry i didn't do more when he got sick, that's why i can't forgive myself. He was a fighter and was sick with different things all the time but he always made it through. I took for granted that he would be ok. Even the last few days when he was having trouble breathing i wasn't too worried. The vet gave him diuretics and i assumed he would be fine, the vet was calm. He's an idiot, today i know because I had to rush him to emergency the following day, 8 hours after he was released from the emergency he passed away. Maybe they gave him something there that didn't agree with him. Why didn't i take him to a few cardiologists for a few opinions, He put his little body in my hands and i failed him.

What else can people say to me except, you did the best you can or you loved him and he loved you, he's gone now, what else can they say but it doesn't make it true,

I tell @Mandy25 and @Eternalsoul that they did everything they can because i don't want them to suffer like i am, I feel for them. I try and make them feel better but is it true,i don't know, only they know. Perhaps Mandy should have broken the kibble, perhaps eternalsoul should have given more gel, maybe if all 3 of us did something different our babies would still be alive. But i can't judge them i can only judge myself. We are living with a hole in our hearts. I have flashbacks all day, i mean all day. I keep remembering how he yelped, fell back and died, the BLANK look in his eyes haunts me, one minute he's looking at me and the next his eyes are black, open and lifeless. I keep remembering how i put him in the frozen ground and covered him with earth. I still have an urge to pull him out. It's even harder probably for Mandy since she had to euthanize, that's a whole other added guilt . I feel for her.

I'm different now,  i'm also mourning who i was.. Tiny was me and i was Tiny and now that he's gone i'm not me anymore. I buried part of me with him that day. Yes i will have to learn to live with his passing but i can't see it happening so soon. I can't even be around people anymore. My husband leaves for 5 weeks on tuesday and i will finally be alone to really grieve.

Last week my parents had a dinner party and i didn't want to go, my husband said i need to see people. Everyone there came with their Hermes and Louis Vuitton bags talking about Bitcoin, stock market, real estate, vacations,,,my brother kept going on about renovating his pool and building a cabana. I couldn't stand it, i planted myself at the bar and kept looking at the clock. I can't believe i know these people , they waste time on things that don't matter, at least not to me. I wish i can live far from people like @KayC and grown my own food and have animals and solar energy and be far from society. I don't know what i want anymore, all i know is i want to be in heaven with Tiny.

Right now i am giving any love i have to his 2 kids, i love them but after they are gone, i'll have nothing to do here. I don't see joy in another vacation, shopping, tomorrow or the next day. I need Tiny.

I love you Tiny, i'm sorry,

[magicmiriam]

 

[Eternalsoul]

@magicmiriam

I messed up so badly and here I am without her. I'll never forgive myself. Really. I too didn't want anyone on here to suffer because this guilt is too much. It's a heaviness I never wanted to carry. 

Like that song says "where did I go wrong"... I woke up today and was in disbelief that I wasn't crying immediately but then 30 minutes had passed and it hit me. I just cry for her. She deserved so much more from me. What a fool I was. I'm sorry deeply regretfully sorry. 

I was lazy, too. I think... That's why I'm disgusted with myself. I've never been more disgusted with anyone. I know that's harsh but I hope I didn't let her down. These are the feelings I struggle with. It's like hell. 

Only we truly know and that's something we have to face. I just want people to have Faith. Without it we are doomed. I'm in some sort of deep sadness today. The wind doesn't help..... the chimes sound haunting.

There is a huge hole in my heart. You're right. I feel so empty. I miss her so much. This is too much to bare. But the only thing that helps me is Faith. 

Earlier I was listening to an interview and in my left ear I heard her "moan". She did it a few days after the attack when she was "recovering".... she was always vocal. I guess that's a flashback, too. Where are you my beautiful girl... I miss you. 

I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. Would be so beautiful to see her staring back at me like we used to. 

I don't like when I'd go to the vets and some would insist on taking them to the back room to do blood work or whatever. I prefer to be with them at all times. 

I'm not sure what happened to Tiny. The only thing I try to give others is hope and Faith. None of us can be sure of what happened to the others.

Nobody can remove our guilt. Sometimes we have to face ourselves.

I remember watching her fade out of her body. She threw up before maybe 5 minutes or so and I had to prepare myself. But what haunts me more is that we didn't leave together. I would have loved to walk her to Heaven's gate. I wish I could hold her again. 

I hope that she was not in pain and that she felt my love. 

It haunts me. My baby also fought through other things and she recovered.  I thought she'd recover this time, too. I lost track of time. I should have done so much for her. Now I suffer for my stupidity. I feel nauseous. 

I feel I have a long lonely road ahead with so much guilt. What's worse is she won't be here to comfort me like she always has. I have to comfort myself with drinking and nonstop music. I play the same songs over and over. Thinking of her... 

The wind reminds me of her. The sun reminds me of her. The birds, the butterflies and everything beautiful. 

I could never hold a candle to her beauty, grace and kindness. 

I wish I could redo it. I wish I would have been more diligent. I wish I would have pushed harder. I wish I wouldn't have been distracted with stupid things that have no true significance. I wish I would have held her tight every minute. I wish I would have told her more. I wish I knew how many years I would have had her so I could have made every second count. I wish she knows how much I am dead without her and that she better not forget me. 

I'll keep the Faith for her. I'll miss her everyday and every night until we meet again. 

I agree. Not many people see the true meaning of life. Some people unfortunately never see the light. In order to see the light one must go through darkness... I guess. 

I would have gone to the bar, too. A plant has more wisdom and more interesting things to say than most people. 

I hope that when you have alone time you are able to properly grieve in your own way. Sometimes we have to put a mask on for others and that's not fair. 

We are here for you, too. 

I know. I have these animals and I'll do my best for them. 

I'll think of her every step of the way. 

That Sinead O'Connor song killed me.... so true. 

 

 

 

[magicmiriam]

@Eternalsoul and @Mandy25 you don't know how much i love you guys. I don't feel alone with my feelings when i'm on here. It's hard pretending all day, it's just everyone thinks that if they don't mention Tiny i will eventually forget him. When i was sitting at the bar at my parents for example, my mom came over and said " since when do you drink Miriam?" , she won't come and say, i know it still hurts, it will pass, Tiny loved you. She doesn't think it's possible to love a dog so much. She always hated animals, i remember growing up we had a dog because everyone wanted one but my mom didn't like him. anytime she was alone with him she would open the front door for him to run away. One summer when me and my sister were 10 and 11 we were sent off to summer camp and when we got back Duke was gone, we cried and cried and asked what happened and my mom said she found him a better home. Years later i found out she gave him to the spca, i still miss him to this day, i never got to say goodbye and who knows if he was put down.

I don't know if this makes sense but i even think my mom put an evil eye on Tiny. She couldn't see how devoted i was too him, how i was losing sleep and i would cancel plans with her to take care of him. I never believed in evil eye before but she was almost relieved when i told her Tiny passed. She said he was suffering and now you can finally live your life. I wanted to break something,,,now i can live my life? what life without Tiny. 

I also read about eternalsoul's story about your first dog. That's so so sad. How different we are from our parents. The apple doesn't always fall close to the tree, it often rolls and rolls far away from the tree.

I know i made mistakes but i also know i can't take them back, that's why i'm so screwed up. I'm sure i have Post trauma , that's my big problem. I can't take Tiny's blank eyes out of my mind. How his eyes were open and blank. The eyes that looked at me for 12 years were black and dusty.

Yes you're right, now that my husband is going away i can grieve proper. He loved Tiny and he cried a lot, i never saw him cry, he cried for days but was able to pull himself together.

Before Tiny passed we were looking at a new house to move to or buy a house in Greece to go to for a few months a year and now i can't see myself leaving this house, every corner reminds me of Tiny. I always want to be home, i just feel he's here, how can i leave him. I won't even travel because i don't want to leave his body. I'm losing it.

It's 9pm here now, going to pour another drink, take the dogs out.

Peace to all of you

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

That is so neat that you took that photo yourself! You must be a professional/skilled photographer.

I bet every time you see a butterfly you think of John. They are such magnificent beings. 

If our signs mean nothing to others than that's fine. It's what we feel and think. Only we have that connection. Nothing is trivial. We know. 

I'll try to be kind to myself. The only reason I'll do so is because I don't want to disappoint God, my pets in Heaven and my pets here. 

My dad was a photo journalist before he went back and got his masters in education.  He was a high school science, electronics, and photo teacher for 30 years.  I learned how to develop black and white in our home dark room when I was about 11.  He and my mom were both excellent photographers and so was my John.  I got better over the years and I know I have a good eye for color and composition.  Still, most of the photos in our house are ones that John took.  He was so talented in so many ways.  I have to say that photo editing software has both good and bad points.  The best part of digital for me is the ability to take picture after picture without worrying about the cost of developing and printing--and the bonus of being able to go "delete, delete, delete" of the bad ones.

I do think of John when I see butterflies and also falcons.  That freedom in flight and the sheer beauty and grace remind me so much of him.

I think your reasons for trying to be kind to yourself and for doing the best you can now are excellent.  I'm glad that you are keeping that in mind as you make your way through this most painful, crushing time.

[magicmiriam]

Good Morning, please ignore what i wrote last night, i had a few too many and nothing i wrote makes any sense, 

I don't have anywhere else to vent my feelings so i come here.

I think i need to seek treatment for PTSD or i will never get better, i have too many flashbacks.

 

[KayC]

EFT
EFT in Grief
EMDR
Psychology Tools, CBT, EMDR
You can look for a grief counselor who is familiar with and specializes in these techniques.

19 hours ago, magicmiriam said:

I wish i can live far from people like @KayC and grown my own food and have animals and solar energy and be far from society.

You already live far from people like me! 

 

[Mandy25]

@magicmiriam @Eternalsoul @KayC @foreverhis @steve76020 @Filly I so appreciate all of you.  You all have been so kind and helpful. Thank you.  

[Mandy25]

@magicmiriam I know how you feel. People just don’t understand how devastating the loss of Petey is and that I will never be the same. I don’t think you should feel bad about the times you were doing something else and didn’t pay enough attention to Tiny. I think all people do that with their loved ones as although we know they will die someday, we really can’t accept it and go on like they will be here forever. My mom, who lived in another state, called me and I didn’t have time to talk and I told her I would call her back the next day. Well, I didn’t and she passed away unexpectedly in her sleep that night. How awful, but I never thought she would just die like that. Also, I don’t think feeding Tiny only treats for that short time contributed to his death. He was getting food and it was too short of a time for the type of food to make a difference. I know about the PTSD. I also can’t erase the awful images in my mind when he passed. Miriam, I am so sorry you are so sad, but I understand because I feel the same way too. 

[Mandy25]

@Eternalsoul I am so sorry your Mom and sister are like that. It is hard to understand people who are intentionally cruel to animals.  I still don’t understand why your mom would say those horrible things to you. My parents both loved animals, so I don’t know how that would feel growing up in a household like that.  I’m glad your dad did, but I’m sorry he wasn’t around much. Even though unintentionally, I feel I caused my Petey to suffer those last couple months and find it so devastating because of being so careful with his care all his life. I took him to the vet so many many times.  I researched everything.  His happiness was my main concern. How could I have thought I was doing a good job? God, it just kills me. I hope you are right, that God took them for a greater purpose. I hope they are all happy and pain free. 

[Mandy25]

@foreverhis @KayC I am so sorry for the loss of your husbands and your beautiful fur babies. My best friend lost her husband unexpectedly a year ago. He was young. She is going through the grief, guilt, and anger. She is devastated. I can’t imagine losing mine.  I try not to take him for granted as he is a wonderful man. He is my soul mate and when I met him, it was like we knew each other all our lives. We married 3 months after our first date. Without him, I probably wouldn’t have the strength to go on. I would never want to hurt him. 

[magicmiriam]

@Mandy25 That's so sad about your mom, life is unpredictable.

I agree that people don't understand how devastating it is to lose our babies. We have no children so Petey and Tiny were our children. Honestly i gave him more love and attention most human children get. I love him so much it's hard to put into words, it's something you feel in your soul. He always had health issues but i was always on top of it. I didn't mind sleeping on the floor with him, not going out, i would ignore even very important things to be with him and only him. I don't know how my husband never complained. He always joked that Tiny was my husband because i would spend more time with him and at the end of the day even sleep with him. God i miss him so much Mandy. If you read about grieving mothers you will see that we are exactly like them, they never get over it. They just rearrange their life around grief.

I'm trying, believe me,  for Tiny's kids and for my husband. I try not to cry near anyone anymore especially near Tiny's kids, they are still lost without Tiny and when they see me cry they stress out and Tiny wouldn't want that. It's not easy being the sad clown.

About the PTSD, what flashbacks do you have? Tiny's blank eyes, it's killing me.

For 12 years we were always together, i always said that  i love him more than i love myself because i put his needs before mine. Now i'm not so sure, after seeing the video surveillance i realize i loved myself more sometimes. Now i hate myself, i don't know how i can love myself again. I feel like a body without a soul.

I wish God helps us heal and keeps our babies happy.

 

 

[Eternalsoul]

@magicmiriam

I will not ignore what you wrote last night. I read it before I started drinking with guest and I couldn't respond at that time because as we all know I write too much. I didn't drink the whole day. It was all slow motion. Time goes so slow. 

Don't apologize for writing how you feel. We all feel. Some people hold it in for years and it eats away at them. I say the weirdest things at times. I guess that's why I like MOJO Risin'. He always said what he felt. No matter how odd it sounded to others he said it.

I was very depressing and played that Sinead  O' Conner song first thing and demanded that we honor my cat. They responded "cheers" but I just kept the sad songs going after each drink. I thought to myself that if they don't like it they could leave. I played a "happy" song and you could see the relief. Then I thought to myself I must respect my baby and played more songs for her to let her know I wasnt having a good time without her and that I still miss her . I'm doing these things to honor her and to let her know that she's most important to me than them. 

One guest was here the day of the attack so I wonder in the back of my mind if they had a negative energy on them that day. I can't explain it but I have explored every scenario, too. That day they seemed to be in a bad mood. Everyone was grumpy that day. I wasn't though I was just anxious with all of the commotion. Dogs feel our emotions. 

Also, I wasn't close to God. I was walking my own path. So, I wasn't protected I guess. I can't believe I'm writing this but oh well. I am who I am. We all have thoughts. I've just thought of every avenue. I like to analyze. 

I understand how you feel. It's almost so strange. I wasn't like this before. I would eat and drink organic/non gmo and my family hated how much of a health freak I was. Always working out. Always so childlike, really. Now I feel jaded and dead. I was counting my other pets ages and calculating how long they have. I said I have a long road ahead. 

I hope I don't stay like this forever. I just drink hoping that maybe a veil will be lifted. If that makes sense. I want to see her and signs. I feel it relaxes me so that I maybe can see the sign. I know.... whoever is reading this is probably thinking  "ummmm"... 

I'm DESPERATE to see her and any signs.

I love you guys too and I'm so very thankful to find likeminded souls. It is so very difficult to face this when we are not taken seriously for our feelings. Even if we are heard and understood it is still a very lonely path. 

This song sort of explains the guilt. 

I feel like I should start dressing like I'm mourning. Wear my pain on my sleeve so to speak. I might just do it. I'll wear long black dresses or black in general, a black scarf around my head and oversized cat eye sunglasses. All to honor her. That way I'll show them that none of them matter as much as her (humans). My pets still matter, of course. I've lost my baby in physical form. So, why not dress like that. I want to honor her every step of the way. I'm sending her signs, too. I'll send a sign the rest of my long turtorous days here.

What if they can see or hear our signs, too? Will it be like this forever? I miss her more than I can bare. I look up to the sky and feel like I'm in hell without her. How rude I have my other pets. I love them but our family has been ripped apart. It's not the same. If it were old old age I'd understand better but the circumstances haunt me to my core. To think I made mistakes just adds more pain. 

Some people think it's just "spilled milk" and that we should just be "grateful" for the time we had. I am grateful but I'm so heartbroken and ruined that I didn't have more time with her. I feel like she was taken so soon. Only 12 or 13 years. I feel robbed. I feel like we were torn apart. I feel like their was some sort of mistake in the timeline. How could this be? Why? I feel like this can't be meant to be and like I want to go find her. I wish I could. I hope she's watching over me. I feel so lost and regretful. I hope she's feeling better than me. I will gladly take all the burden. I hope she's somewhere beautiful. In Heaven. I pray for Tiny, Petey, Arlie, your husband's and all of our loved ones who passed over. It helps to pray for each other. 

I keep praying though. I'll never stop losing Faith because the road of Faith leads to her. I also pray for all of you that you keep Faith. That's all I have. I can't take anyone's pain away. I can only hope they have Faith because without it we'd be truly lost. I have to reach her again. 

I understand what you mean about the evil eye. I've thought about and I've considered EVERY possibility and that has been a culprit in my "list" of reasons. That sounds nuts I know but as Jim said:

I somewhat resent people now that were here the day of the attack or who even called me that day. My sister called me that morning while I was brushing my beautiful girl to talk about something very negative and stupid. She gave me anxiety. I regret answering the phone for her. I should have just continued to brush my girl. I think to myself none of this would have occurred if I would have told everyone "no" that day.

Now I see. I wish I knew then how truly lucky I was. I had everything. I'd choose her over a billion dollars. If God asked me right now.

My baby girl had chronic sneezing and she'd sneeze on my mom's notebook when she was staying with me. She'd also overeat and throw up her food unto where my mom kept her notebook. This was only occasionally and not an everyday occurence. That was my cats spot so what does it matter? My cat had every right to do what she wanted in our home. My mom would get upset and I could see that she was annoyed but would play it off. I'd say it's just a little bit of cat kibble and I'd clean it up right away. It wasn't gross it just looked like food stuck together. Big deal. I wish I had saved her throw up. I never knew how much I'd miss it.

My older sister bought a baby Yoda robot and placed it on the table and my mom wrapped it in plastic and responded that she didn't want cat hair or cat sneezes to ruin such a cute toy. She said this infront of everyone. As if my cat were trash. 

What she said that day told me that a robot toy is more important than my beautiful girl. How disgusting!!!! Truly pitiful all of them. Also, when my baby passed to Heaven my sister mocked me and said "oh, now she can have catnip in Heaven" and started discussing other things. My cat never liked catnip!! I hung up on her midsentence. 

That so stupid. Catnip in Heaven? I'd assume there is better things to do.. It's just the way she said it to taunt me. My mom also said "oh, I'm going to miss her throw up." Yep, they said it to be cruel and to mock my baby and me.....

Needless to say I made them move out immediately that day. They can stay elsewhere until their house is ready. Also, I regret letting them come back because they had left a week prior but needed more time. I wish I hadn't. Too late. I think this is a sign for me to distance myself from them. That's a whole other story. My boyfriend said he thinks this also happened to help me get away from toxic family. He said my cat was is my guardian angel. It's a nice notion. We really won't know until we reunite. 

Also, my mom would holler at my girl at times and my boyfriend mentioned that since she did that she could have confused my dog into thinking that my cat was "the enemy" or something like that. 

I can go on and on about my "evil eye" suspicions. You are not alone there. I ask God everyday to protect us now....

I worry that she didn't understand what was happening. I hope she does not think that I was causing that. I hope she's still here with me in some way. I know she probably has other things to do on her "quest" but please don't ever forget or leave me my beautiful girl. Please. I also hope that I'm not disappointing her with my drinking or lingering depression. I'm sad over this. How could I not be. I feel I messed up. I am to blame. I should have shielded her. I was always protective of them. Never let anyone around them without supervision. Then I slipped. That's where the evil eye thing comes in that you mentioned. I don't know. 

"Just what the truth is I can't say anymore"...............

I am sorry that your mom took your dog to the SPCA. I can imagine the pain of not being able to say goodbye. You can always reach out to him through prayers and thoughts now. I like to talk to them when I'm alone or staring at the sky. I hope he wasn't put down. If so, he's in Heaven now. 

Yes, you're right. I fell off that tree and rolled down a hill into a stream and then naturally planted myself into a meadow far far away from my family. Thank God. 

You are an amazing soul and have a huge heart. You are a tree of beauty and love. Most of the people on here are so empathetic and beautiful. Wow. 

That's why God gave you Tiny. He knew you'd take care of him. I think you actually passed most of the test that God placed before you. The test isn't over though. 

I was not there but I dont think Tiny was suffering. I dont know why people say that. My mom said "she's not suffering anymore"....  what! As if I can just move on after those "helpful" words. 

I know what you mean. What life... still I think it's imperative to live for Tiny. I think you've passed the first part of the test but still have a ways to go. I sound so crazy but I refuse to say otherwise. 

I refuse to just move on. I have to honor her each day. 

I'm sorry that she told you that. Most people just don't know what words to say. They've never experienced your life or feelings. 

They will only understand when they experience a similar situation. 

He wasn't suffering he had you. You gave him love. I ignored my baby at times and yes I feel horrible. I just hope I can redeem myself in the afterlife and this life. 

You mention looking into his eyes and that it may have caused you PTSD. I have watched quite a few of my older pets pass to Heaven naturally. T

So, I know what happens. Her passing was so very different. It was like she was running for a few seconds. I held her hands and told her I loved her and to wait for me. She pressed her paws on me a few times and was gone. I stared into her lifeless eyes wondering if she was still in there. I wrapped my arms around her and layed there. Emptiest feeling you will ever feel. I placed the bible by her. Woke up in the morning and started drinking. Never have I ever done that.Then my mom and sister used my downfall as their opportunity to tell me off. My sister said I was a joke for crying over her. Screw them all. 

I was listening to The Doors and then I stared out my window and a wolf or coyote stared back at me. What were the chances... it snowed the night she passed, too. Maybe I'm giving it too much thought... but a wolf or coyote in daylight watching me. I walked outside and it sat there staring this way. I was begging God for a sign that he was real and that she went with him before that. I truly repented right then and there. Then outside of my window I saw that.. maybe a coincidence. It looked more like a wolf. 

I can't ease anyone's pain but please don't listen to anyone who doesn't believe in the afterlife. They are with us. I know this 100 percent to be true. 

No one here gets out alive. I love The Doors. Might not be everyone's cup of tea. This was the last time he performed this song live. I played this at her burial. It's kind of wild so I don't recommend it if people aren't into that.

Here's another I played for her. More calm. 

I don't know if I have PTSD. I just know life feels like a dream now. Like nothing seems real. 

I hope you stay strong. I told my boyfriend I don't know how I'm going to go on each day for several years. He said if I can do one day I can do more.

When you are able to grieve alone don't feel afraid to write your feelings. I'm sure we are all here for you. 

Tiny is not gone. True love is stronger than death.

I know about leaving the house. I tell her I'll be right back when I tell my other pets. I danced with one of her favorite beds and pretended I held her. I wish. 

I've been doing this all alone with just my pets. I blocked all of my family. Even my dad. He yelled at me the other day 'cause I was crying. He said it was too early that he needed coffee. I blocked him. I saw that he left a voice message so I responded with a music video. That's it. 

 

[Eternalsoul]

 

[Eternalsoul]

Hello. I will respond to everyone as soon as I finish some things. 

I got carried away with the first comment this morning. 

I hope you all are staying strong. 

[Eternalsoul]

 

[Eternalsoul]

I know this is a love song but it can be applied to someone passing to Heaven. I think.

 

 

[Eternalsoul]

Sorry everyone for all of these music videos. 

 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

@foreverhis @KayC I am so sorry for the loss of your husbands and your beautiful fur babies. My best friend lost her husband unexpectedly a year ago. He was young. She is going through the grief, guilt, and anger. She is devastated. I can’t imagine losing mine.  I try not to take him for granted as he is a wonderful man. He is my soul mate and when I met him, it was like we knew each other all our lives. We married 3 months after our first date. Without him, I probably wouldn’t have the strength to go on. I would never want to hurt him. 

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and her husband.  I try to never compare grief because it can't be compared; for each of us, the worst loss will always be our own, as it should be.  But in some ways it seems even more tragic when it happens so young.  If you think she would benefit, you might suggest that she at least come read here on the Loss of a Partner forum.  It's been immensely helpful for me.

I'm glad you have your husband, your soulmate, with you.  He is absolutely enough reason to keep going, no matter how hard it is.  I went through months of frequently not wanting to be in this life anymore.  I never made any active plans nor was I suicidal, but I didn't care about living either.  But I kept going because I realized that our daughter needs her mom around a while longer.  And our granddaughter (now 13) needs to finish growing up with me telling her stories and memories of her adored and adoring grandpa.  They were so close and his loss devastated her in her own ways.  About 4 months into her pregnancy, our daughter's fiance decided he "didn't want to be a father after all" and ran out on them.  So John was our granddaughter's male role model, as he had been for our daughter.  I realized it was now my responsibility to keep John's memory and his/our "life" alive here on earth.  I hoped that one day it wouldn't be quite as hard or painful to just get out of bed and keep breathing each day.  It took nearly 3 years, but ever so slowly, I did take those steps forward (not moving on; we don't do that) into finding a life I could live without him and with a kind of happiness.  I still have crappy days, but who doesn't when they've lost the love of their life?

Yes, your husband most definitely is your soulmate.  Sometimes we just know and that's that.  I can't say John and I had love at first sight, though there was a spark.  We were both dating other people and don't believe in cheating.  We were in the same music/theater/arts circles and got to be friends over a couple of years.  Then one day, neither of us was steadily dating anyone and he asked me out.  We had our first date, spent the day together, went to the theater where we were both working on the same show (he, music director and conductor; me, property mistress and set decorator, rather than on stage that time), and after we went back to his place and stayed up for hours talking.  After that day and night, that was it.  We both just knew.  And 9 months later we said our vows and never looked back.  Not everyone finds that kind of love.  I am so glad that you have and that you cherish it.  When we lost our two most precious fur babies, John and I had each other.  It would have been so much harder if we hadn't.

 

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, magicmiriam said:

Good Morning, please ignore what i wrote last night, i had a few too many and nothing i wrote makes any sense, 

I don't have anywhere else to vent my feelings so i come here.

I think i need to seek treatment for PTSD or i will never get better, i have too many flashbacks.

 

Please, please try not to feel that you shouldn't come here, even if what you write later seems rambling, weird, incoherent, or whatever to you.  This is the place to come vent, talk, question, and scream--any time and in any way that helps.  You will find no judgment, no "scolding," nothing like that at all.

Of course I am going to urge you to try to cut back just a little in your drinking because it is a depressant in its own right.  Maybe you can talk to your doctor about trying an anti-depressant?  I've been taking one since John died.  It's fairly mild one that gives me few side effects--and it helps.  Maybe you can try various sleep remedies that would be appropriate for you?  In the long run, I found that much better than drinking.  Believe me though, I understand it.  I had to actively force myself not to overdo it because the temptation to just blot out everything is so strong.  And there were a few times that I just decided, "Screw it!  I can't deal with the pain tonight."  But I worry for you.  I know you want to be there for Tiny's sons.  They do need you, as you need them.

I think it might be a really good idea for you to look into treatment options for PTSD.  So many people do not realize how traumatic deep loss truly is.  There are resources out there to help you.  And of course, you should come here knowing we will listen.((HUGS))

[Eternalsoul]

@Mandy25

My mom and my sister are close. I'm close to my dad. They both dislike him and it doesn't help that I resemble him. He's also very close to nature and animals like I am. He just tries to act tough about it. Unlike me. 

My dad said that's why they are mean to me. It's fine though. My sister only talked to my dad when she was getting gifts or money. 

It's fine. My pets are more important. 

I know what you mean. You'd never intentionally do your baby any harm. I can sense both your guilt and love. I thought I was doing a superb job but I wasn't. I failed somewhere along the way and all I can ask is that she please forgive me and know that I never meant any harm. I took her to the vet throughout her life, too. Always happy she recovered. Why not this time... 

I should have tried harder. I hope she forgives me. 

I am sure he can sense that you feel guilt and endless love. We can sense it here through your comments. I sense it with magicmiriam, too. 

I just cannot say exactly how they can sense our emotions but I'm assuming that it's stronger now. I know that we will see them.

As long as we aren't evil people during our lives because they are pure and kind. They went somewhere beautiful with no pain. 

I have to be a better soul so that I make it to where she is. 

I am truly grateful for all of you, too. 

I just miss her so much. It will never be the same ever. 

[magicmiriam]

@EternalsoulI love all your music especially the doors, i've been listening to that Metallica song often. I'm also listening to things i never listened to,

I think you also have a huge heart and a beautiful soul. I'm so connected to this site you have no idea. 

About your sister and mother,,,they would hit it off with my mother and brother, they think dogs are like mosquitos , useless. You're cat was not trash, God forbid, they are just jelous you have love and they don't. My mom wouldn't let my dogs on the white carpets, on the couch, anywhere and if they came to greet her she would push them away, i'm a fool for bringing them to her house, what was i thinking. They felt unwanted. What a mistake. You know friends are family that you created, they don't have to be blood. I think your boyfriend is right, they are toxic, keep them on ice but don't be warm.

About the people that were at your house that day, i would also have a hard time seeing them but that's just me. I'm not into people anyway right now. Every time i take the dogs out for a walk i see other dogs in the neighborhood that are older than Tiny and even sicker and they are alive, it kills me. I hate when people say, hey, where is the 3rd one? I start crying right away, i say he passed away and just keep walking. I know their next question will be, what happened? spare me.

It's funny how you said you wear black, i've been wearing black and dark grey since Tiny passed as well, it was instinct. Am i supposed to wear bright florals? My husband said i dress like one of those old italian widows. So be it.

I'm also drinking to stay calm , i'm hanging on one hinge, i need it.

I'm praying to God a lot as well. I know in my heart Tiny is with me. I feel bad he's watching me fall apart but i also want him to know how important he was to me, that he was my whole life. Maybe God took him to play so he wouldn't see me this way. I buried Tiny with a book of Psalms next to him and his favorite toy in his favorite blanket.

I watch this weird show called Servant and in the show this girl has powers to wake the dead, we're not sure if she's good or bad yet but i wish i knew someone like her to take Tiny out of the grave,

The pain is so bad you can't imagine. I think Tiny's passing erased all my sins.

I'll be back

[Eternalsoul]

@foreverhis

Wow, that is neat. I'd love to have a dark room in my home. Perhaps, one day. I prefer the old ways of life. They seemed to have more meaning. Now everyone is just lost in electronics. I'd rather sit outside and enjoy life. I still do even though I feel so dead inside.

Your dad sounds really amazing. He really accomplished so many things. That's awesome. How beautiful. John sounds very interesting and talented, too. You were blessed with great men!!

I wish we could go back to the days where there was no such thing as photo editing. 

It's fun don't get me wrong but I prefer to see someone's soul or the true beauty of the moment. 

Thank you. Yes, I want to honor God and my pets ( here and in Heaven)... 

I'll try. Today is just gloomy and rainy. I'm staring out the window for her.

Thank you so much. 

 

[magicmiriam]

@foreverhis I know everything you say is true about the drinking, like you said i am looking for something to knock me out, that's so true.

The only thing other than drinking that keeps me going are Tiny's kids, i love them so much, they look so much like him plus they are the only ones mourning like me. They also changed so much it's hard to believe. Brownie started doing things his father used to do that he never did while his dad was alive. They are also very clingy, it doesn't bother me, it's comforting for all of us. They sometimes look at me and i know if they were able to talk we would riminess about Tiny. I'm sure they have so many questions. I just hug them and say his name and they feel better and know i understand. It's so deep, so sweet, so sad.

Tiny was the glue, he was the pack leader, God i miss that little mouse.

I will seek treatment one day but believe it or not grieving is something i need right now.

Thank you, really, hugs back.

 

[foreverhis]

@magicmiriam  I do understand about drinking.  Truly.  And I definitely didn't want you to feel I was criticizing or scolding.  I just worry about your health, that's all.  Tiny's sons need you to stay alive; Tiny needs you to do that for him.  I know it's kind of an "easy for you to say" situation, but I look at the pictures and just know they need you and I really believe that you need them.  Animals grieve, simple as that.  I don't give a...fig about what some people say.  John and I watched our sweet Penny grieving for our Charlie Bear.  It was painful and heartbreaking.  She had always been a "daddy's girl" from the first day she came home as a small kitten, but yeah, she got super clingy, more than usual, with both John and me.  I didn't mind at all because I was emotionally fragile too.  The same thing happened with my doggie friend Raleigh last year.  She lost her feline sister, a real sweetheart, to liver failure at 16.  While her sister was sick and then after she died, Raleigh was super clingy and clearly upset for a good few months.

You absolutely do need to grieve.  I hope I didn't give you the impression that I think you should seek help so you won't grieve.  To be blunt:  Grief like ours has a beginning, but no ending.  But it doesn't stay the same either.  Over time--months and years, not days and weeks--it evolves as we learn ways to cope and as we figure out how to carry it with us, rather than it crushing us under its weight like at first.  Still, during that time, it sometimes helps to seek treatment, whether that be with a special therapist or medications or a combination.  This is not to blot out or somehow "move on" from our grief, but to help us learn to live with it.  When and if you're ready, I encourage you to do that, but that must be in your own time.  Your grief journey is uniquely yours; no one should try to convince you otherwise.

[Eternalsoul]

@magicmiriam

I love music. Sometimes I just listen to the silence. It rained and hailed today. I thought of her. Did she send the hail as a sign? Did God? My favorite weather has always been gloomy and rainy days. It smelled so fresh this morning. My boyfriend said it was completely dry where he is 3 miles away. I'm going crazy thinking everything is a sign.

She loved watching the rain. 

I noticed the conversation about drinking. Don't feel bad. I'm in the same boat. I have been behaving like a pirate at sea. I keep wanting to tone it down but then I let my emotions get the best of me. Then I make an idiot of myself on here with all of my videos and rambling. I'll try to drink tea tomorrow and try to be healthier. 

I want to go for a jog or to exercise but I don't have it in me. I will try soon. 

I do think they were envious that I had true love. My sister doesn't even like her  kids. She told me this. How sad. She was desiring for a long time to leave her family behind. Wow. 

I am sorry that she turned away from your babies. I dont understand people who can be like that. Those are her grandkids. Maybe she was hurt about the bond and love you have with them. She maybe wanted your attention. I'm not sure. People let their feelings get the best of them and make them act immature. Some people only wish they could have what we have with them. As long as you love them that's all that matters. There is no stronger bond for them (besides God). They probably were like "whatever grandma lighten up." As long as you love them that's all that truly matters. 

How beautiful that you placed Tiny with Psalms and his favorite items. I placed my beautiful girl with a cross and with my favorite t-shirt wrapped in a blanket. I hate that this happened. I am truly devastated. I am sorry that you and everyone else are going through this. I never knew such feelings could exist. Such pain. 

It's hard to accept that they are in the ground. Really it's just their bodies in the ground. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. The spirit ascends to Heaven. 

Speaking of that show you are watching...my boyfriend was saying that I was going to pull a Pet Semetary. Like the movie by Stephen King. Meaning I'd bring my cat back to life like in the movie. I said that would be so cool to bring her back but I joked that it wouldn't be her. Their spirits left their bodies and they are now in Heaven and with us. 

I think I'm in disbelief. No matter what I will never believe she's gone. She's not. She's everywhere. Tiny is with you. 

Stay strong. It's difficult I know. 

I hope everyone has strength. 

 

 

 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

My best friend lost her husband unexpectedly a year ago. He was young. She is going through the grief, guilt, and anger. She is devastated.

Send her here, to loss of spouse.  We'll help her through it.  We get it, we understand, we've lived it, and can help her wiith the guilt, etc.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Please, please try not to feel that you shouldn't come here, even if what you write later seems rambling, weird, incoherent, or whatever to you.  This is the place to come vent, talk, question, and scream--any time and in any way that helps.  You will find no judgment, no "scolding," nothing like that at all.

Exactly, this is the place for it.  And foreverhis is right, the drinking adds to depressive feelings, not helpful at all.  I know you want to blank it all out, to not feel, but that doesn't help your grief process at all, nor does it help you get to a better place.  We aren't judging, we understand, we truly do, but we can look in with an observing eye and see the bigger picture.  Sending you hugs...

You all seem to find consolation in music, something that's still hard for me.  I can sing (I've been on our church's praise teams all my life) but to LISTEN to music is hard for me since George died, it was his passion.  He had very eclectic taste, he loved everything except rap and acid rock (no head banging), he loved it all and had quite a collection.  At first I listened to his music and cried buckets of tears, now I can't force myself, I gave some of it away.  Back in that day it was cassettes, not CDs.  I still have them, but I can't listen, it sends me to a hard place of missing him more than I can tolerate...

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I think it might be a really good idea for you to look into treatment options for PTSD.

EFT
EFT in Grief
EMDR
Psychology Tools, CBT, EMDR

With a licensed grief counselor that specializes in it...

[Eternalsoul]

@KayC

You mention that music is difficult for you. I apologize. I actually prefer to listen to the silence most of the time. I put music on lately because I try to find songs that express how I feel. 

It is raining today and she would have loved to watch it pour as she layed on my bed. 

I had a nightmare that my sister kept telling me it was my fault that my cat didn't make it. 

I was actually begging God to turn back time this morning but then I realized it was not going to happen. Perhaps in Heaven. 

I read your response to magicmiriam and I probably need to cool it with the drinking, too. I just get overwhelmed and run to grab a beer from the fridge. 

I'm not suicidal at all but sometimes I wish I'd close my eyes and I'd wake up with her. I will keep going for my pets here. Heaven isn't too far away....

I will read your stories about your kitty and your Arlie. 

I just miss her so much. 

God Bless everyone who is hurting. 

[Mandy25]

58 minutes ago, KayC said:

Send her here, to loss of spouse.  We'll help her through it.  We get it, we understand, we've lived it, and can help her wiith the guilt, etc.

I will tell her about the site.  I have been so wrapped up in my own grief that I hadn’t done that.  I too think it would be helpful. @foreverhis Even if it wasn’t “love at first sight” with John, it does sound like he was absolutely your soulmate. My husband and I may have not gotten together so quickly if we had been dating other people like you and John.  Luckily, we were both single at the time. I know this hell I’m in due to Petey’s death would be even worse without him. I’m so glad you had your daughter and granddaughter to give you something to live for after John’s death. Having a purpose in life helps us to continue even when we just don’t feel like it.  Luckily, I have my husband and now Jack who appears to have been abused in the past.  Taking care of them is my purpose now and even though I don’t really care what happens to me, I do want to be there for them. 
 

i will tell my friend about this site.  I should have done that a long time ago.

[Mandy25]

@EternalsoulI am so sorry about your Mom and sister. It appears that they have a lot of lessons to learn. That is what is so great about having animals. They teach you to be patient, tolerant, and loving.  It is too bad your Mom and sister have not learned those things. I have learned so much from all the fur babies I have had and the scaly ones too (lizards).  Petey had so many episodes of irrational behavior due to the hydrocephalus. Dealing with this taught me patience and tolerance. Animals have no agenda or forethought for their actions. They don’t plot or plan or intentionally try to hurt your feelings like humans. They love unconditionally.  I do think negative energy affects them and possibly that energy in your house that day may have caused your dog to react.  
I do believe in guardian angels. I have been in many precarious positions in my life that I should have died, but didn’t.  Even though I couldn’t see them I knew there was one there to save me as it wasn’t my time to leave this earth yet. I think one of them along with Petey’s guidance sent me Jack.  

[Mandy25]

@magicmiriamI am sorry about your Mom and brother.  Some people don’t realize how wonderful animals are. I know absolutely that animals grieve when their partner dies. I have experienced that with my own animals.  I’m glad that you and Mylo and Brownie have each other to help you through this.  Regarding the PTSD, I have flashbacks of his passing. The neurological signs he exhibited, the panic I felt when he wouldn’t drink or eat hardly anything the day before, his struggling  before the first injection,  his blank eyes, the thought that maybe he wasn’t dead and he would wake up in the doggie morgue and wonder where his Mommie was.  I have nightmares.  It is awful! I too was drinking way too much.  The problem with that, is although one or two drinks helped, any more just made me feel more depressed. Miriam, I do understand how you feel and I am sorry that you and all of us are going through this.

[foreverhis]

12 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

I had a nightmare that my sister kept telling me it was my fault that my cat didn't make it. 

I know I don't know your sister and mother, but I am so angry with them anyway.  They are just flat toxic, at least to you.  It sounds like they also might have been responsible for causing your sweet pets harm.  I'll ask this and then MYOB, but can you go complete no contact with them?  I think they are so harmful and destructive to you, especially now.  GRRR!

And yes, to cutting down the drinking at least a bit if you can.  I know the pull of it and did succumb more than once in the beginning on days I just had to drown/blot out the excruciating pain.  I'm not saying don't drink at all--I'd be a major hypocrite if I did because I have a glass of wine or homemade cocktail almost every evening.  I limit myself to one most of the time and have a second if I have visitors or if I'm having a really bad day.  I do know that it seems to be helping and you don't need any nagging.  I simply urge you to watch your health for the sake of your other loving pets who need you.

As hard as it is to believe, time does help.  Months and years allow our grief to evolve to a place where we can carry it with us as part of the whole, rather than the all-and-everything it is at first.  Coming here at about 6 months after John died, when I was feeling so lost and hopeless even with a small, loving circle of family and friends who love us/me, was one of the best things I did.

Also, as much as I don't usually "speak" for others, I'm pretty sure Kay is not saying that you and others posting music links is bad.  Your apology is appreciated, I'm sure, because it shows you are sensitive to the feelings of others. Still, I suspect she is glad it helps you, even though she knows herself well enough to not listen to music that will be painful.  I should mention that John and I are/were musicians by avocation and met in the music/theater world.  We grew up in musical/theater households as well, so it's deeply ingrained in our hearts, minds, and souls.  There are any number of musicals, operas/operettas, symphonies, concert pieces, and songs that are and may always be triggers for me.  For nearly 3 years I couldn't even stand to hear the beginning of the West Side Story dance suite because it was the first thing I put on for John on his last day.  He was a music director, conductor, and trombone player.  West Side Story is one of the dream pieces for low brass.  Then one day I had music streaming at home and it came on.  Instead of zooming to the remote to skip it, I decided to let it play.  Tears flowed and it was hard, but at last I was able to see his face joyous while playing it and not just the devastating images of his last day.  It's a process for sure and to be honest, there are times I listen to something that I know will make me cry because there is a catharsis from that and it sometimes helps release stress on bad days.

You truly sound like a wonderful, loving, caring person and I hate to think of how much certain family members are harming you.  You do not deserve it!

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

@KayC

You mention that music is difficult for you. I apologize

No need to apologize!  I usually skip the music, it's just a trigger for me of George, even though it's nearly 17 years since he died, it doesn't feel that way, it feels like I'm missing that essential part of me...him.  Music was in his soul.

23 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

 

I'm not suicidal at all but sometimes I wish I'd close my eyes and I'd wake up with her.

Oh how I understand!  If not for Kodie...

22 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

Having a purpose in life helps us to continue even when we just don’t feel like it.

Yes.  I get up every morning, early, and come here and my other grief site and diabetic sites, I spend an average of 7 hours every day on them, akin to a FT job, but both grief and diabetes are my passion, ever learning, gathering articles/videos/info, helping them even as I myself have been helped.

@Eternalsoul  We can't help who we are blood related to, but if they're toxic, sometimes it's important to place our own mental health above all and protect ourselves accordingly.  Although I think this article had "friends" in mind, it's applicable to relatives too sometimes...
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Still, I suspect she is glad it helps you, even though she knows herself well enough to not listen to music that will be painful. 

Yes.

11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

And yes, to cutting down the drinking at least a bit if you can.

Making healthy choices for ourselves is part of our self-care, important to learn in our grief journey, even as I had to learn to take care of my diabetes with my food choices and lifestyle, not with Rxs that ultimately fail.

 

[KayC]

Today is four years since my sister Donna died.  She was quadriplegic with butchered vocal chords due to the accident that took her three year old's life 9/17/67...the doctors refused to hospitalize her for her pneumonia, considering her of no value...I fought for her and she died.    

Donna, if you were alive today, we'd be gathering from all over the state to take you to lunch and shopping, as we always did, every month, trying to give you something to hope for, we love you still...

[Mandy25]

Kay, I am so sorry. How can they call themselves doctors? How awful. Donna was lucky to have someone as wonderful as you to fight for her. Also, that is so sad that the accident took her baby’s life.  How devastating for her and your family.  I wonder why we have so much pain and loss.  Although I believe there is something after this, I still don’t understand all the adversity we encounter in this life.

[Eternalsoul]

Hello everyone. 

 

I hope everyone is doing well. Kay I am sorry to hear about your sister. It snowed here and I have a lot of errands that I need to do before it gets worse. 

I will reply to everyone as soon as I can. I just feel really low and sad. I wrote a poem to my beautiful girl this morning. 

I will respond as soon as I finish all of my tasks. 

I want to share this though because this is how I feel. I'm sure some others may feel the same way. 

I just wish that I had the happy ending but I know in Heaven I will. I hope we all have happy eternity with our loved ones.

Will respond later. My apologies. Just too depressed right now and I have to do errands, which I am not looking forward to. 

 

[Eternalsoul]

Hello again.

Before I start my day.

I'll share one more clip of a movie that reminds me of what it is to outlive someone we love. 

In my case, especially, with my little babies that God has gifted me with. My little baby in Heaven. What he says is so true.......

Ok I will be back to respond to earlier comments. Not ignoring anyone. 

 

[foreverhis]

@KayC Kay, you will be in my thoughts today. I know you fought hard for her and what was right. It says a lot about us as a society, and none of it good, that we place such little value on the lives of our most vulnerable. I’m sorry this is a tough day for you.((HUGS))

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

 I wonder why we have so much pain and loss.

What really helped me understand it better was Harold Kushner's book https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Happen-Good-People/dp/1400034728

Suffering causes us to turn to God and rely on Him, that's what gets us through the storms of life.  We live in an imperfect world (I have my own spiritual take on that which I won't get into here) and as such it won't be perfect, but some people definitely have more than others.  My family, including myself, have seemed to have been singled out for that, but rather than fight it I now view it differently.  Maybe God thinks with His equipping and carrying us we are able to sustain the storms.  I'm not a martyr, we've all seen them ("suffering for the Lord!") my mom was one, drove me nuts!    But neither do I feel it's healthy to wallow in the why me, poor me for long...although it's natural to wonder sometimes in our humanity. 

19 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

It snowed here

I hope everything is okay and you don't get too much!  I went through that at Christmas and the two months following!  Way more than I could deal with, reach out for help if needed, I had to eventually.  Sometimes we can't manage alone...sending you love and prayers!

[Eternalsoul]

@foreverhis

Hello.

Yes, I have placed them on "no contact" and they are blocked. I have zero interest in talking to them or being around them. I am making it a daily and nightly habit to talk to God and Jesus. Looking back I now see how their disrespect and negativity impacted not only myself but my precious pets, as well. It's a tough lesson but now I know to stay away from them.

Guess what? I am finally feel at peace. I am heartbroken for my cat, my beautiful angel, but I believe she is with God and Jesus in Heaven. Not a day goes by that I don't regret having them here but it is God's will and he has shown me the light. Everything God does is for a reason. 

I know other people have different "religions" or "beliefs" but this is my path and if I insult anyone than oh well. I will not deny Jesus or God to fit into this world. I also will not look down on anyone for believing what they believe. This is my path. 

I chuckled when you mentioned drinking a glass of wine or a cocktail each night. Sometimes it's necessary and if we don't overdo it than it's actually beneficial to certain bodily functions. So, they say! 

I'm not a doctor but also not all doctors know everything. Sometimes when all else fails the greatest "doctor" is Faith.

I am very happy to hear that you were finally able to listen to music in honor of John. Wow, three years. That's a long time and I bet John was there with you. Music can be very healing but it also can tear us apart. I've noticed that. I play my cat Elvis gospel music. Haha. If I'm gonna listen to gospel I prefer to do it in style. 

Sometimes we avoid doing things so we don't open up a box of wounds. I told myself that I wouldn't be able to look at her photos because it would hurt too much but I forced myself to do it. At first it hurt but I'm grateful I did. It still hurts but I'm truly grateful to be blessed with her. True love. True love entwines us forever. There is no end!!!!!!!!

Yes, crying does relieve stress. It is better to cry than to hold it in. I hear holding in sadness and anger can be very unhealthy. 

I understand that kayc finds it difficult. You're right. I apologized because I too am very sensitive and would never want to hurt anyone even unintentionally (unless they intentionally hurt my animals or any animal for that matter.) I understand that some things are difficult to face. She has her reasons. I'm not saying that she's sensitive but she's sensitive to music. I'm sensitive to many things though. I didnt want to hear Garth Brooks - The Dance because that song hurts a lot but I just opened a beer and did it. I say to myself that if I could lose my beautiful girl in her physical earth form that I CAN FACE ANYTHING now.  Kayc knows what she can handle. Nobody else can decide for us. 

Sighs...... it's a tough road. I respect everyone's choices. We all have to protect ourselves somehow. I'm choosing to protect myself by staying away from my mom and sister because that was the last and final straw. Especially the things they said and did on the day of her passing to Heaven. I'm better off without negative and insensitive people. I've never known what true peace is until now. It just hurts that my baby isn't here in physical form to enjoy it with me. She's here though until we reunite for all of eternity. 

I am very happy to hear that you found this website. Sometimes not even our family or closest friends will ever understand. This site is a blessing for those of us in pain. I am truly grateful for it. I think I did a websearch of "I miss my cat how do I go on" or something like that (I do not remember exactly) and it brought me here. Many of the stories are sad. I never knew so many people existed with such kind hearts and souls. Now I see that beautiful people still exist!!! I had lost hope in humanity for a while there. That's why I surround myself with "animals" because I've been hurt a lot. I think humans are the real animals though. I don't let people get close to me. 

I miss her so much. It's been approximately a month and I miss her just the same but I find comfort in knowing she is in Heaven. I pray everyday and night. Before this I wouldn't dare. It's a long story but my mom and sister are "religious" and I saw that they were mean to me so I had no interest in knowing a God that they worshipped but now I realize that I cannot blame God or Jesus for what others do. Sometimes people are hypocrites.

My mom used to tell me that " God was going to punish me" and my sister would say "we won't remember each other in Heaven and that my pets wouldn't be there"... that's why I avoided God. I was into weird "hippy" stuff. Now I see the light. No offense to those who do "hippy" stuff but this is just my story. I'm still a hippy in a sense but now I follow the path of God and Jesus. There will be many false prophets... I'll just leave it at that. 

@KayC

Yeah, it snowed and it looked so beautiful yet haunting because I'm sometimes in this dream like state... lately. The snow can make it difficult because I have to keep the dogs in and I feel bad for them when we have to be inside most of the day. Also, I bring in a few of the stray cats who I got fixed. Haha, it's like Noah's Ark when it snows. 

I just really love animals. They see my soul. I see theirs. 

This site is so wonderful. I am very thankful for you and for everyone who has responded. 

Do you think you'll ever listen to music? Is there any music that is less painful for you than others? I listen to music to get out of my thoughts sometimes because sometimes my thoughts are more painful than a sad song. 

I play her music to let her know I'm thinking of her. 

I am sorry to hear that the doctor made a mistake on your sister. What a shame! My thoughts are with you. She's in a better place. No more pain. Only joy. 

How is Kodie doing? 

I really love that story of "kitty" it's hilarious she'd sit on the Harley. She was a biker at heart. Arlie sure was lucky for you to get him. Thankfully those other people never showed to get him. They probably would have given up on him. 

I pray for you guys and for your loved ones. One beautiful day we will reunite with them. We just have to face this storm for now. 

 

 

 

[Eternalsoul]

@Mandy25

Hello,

I hope you are doing well. I pray for Petey. Yes, my mom and sister do have many lessons to learn. They just aren't empathetic. They are narrow-minded it seems. A rude thing to say but oh well. 

I am glad to hear that your guardian angels have been with you and have protected you. Now, you have Petey watching over you.

"Animals" do love unconditionally. They teach us so much. They are our guardian angels. I truly believe so. 

I am happy to hear that Petey taught you so much. He still is teaching you I'm sure. It's just something the mind may not entirely comprehend but the soul truly does.

How is Jack? 

I bet he's super grateful for you. 

@magicmiriam

How are you holding up? I hope everything is OK. I see it was his two month anniversary to Heaven a few days ago. 

It was my beautiful girls one month anniversary recently. I miss her.

 

Hope you are well in knowing he's watching over you. 

[Eternalsoul]

@foreverhis

I forgot to ask. Do you have any pets?

[Mandy25]

Music is so powerful.  It can make you cry, lift your spirits, increase your energy, relax you, etc.  I can see how certain music could cause so much sadness that it would be hard to listen to. I have not lost a spouse, but I can imagine it would take a long time, if ever, to listen to certain music.  I had songs for Petey, where I took a song and changed the words to make it a song about him.  I  sang to him a lot.  When he was very sick 3 years ago with the thrombocytopenia and had to be in the hospital for 10 days, it was around Christmas time, and I would come everyday, bring him dog cupcakes, and walk him in his carriage for an hour or so singing Christmas songs to him modified to include him in the song. I looked like a crazy lady pushing my dog around, singing, but I didn’t care. I wanted him to know that I didn’t abandon him and that I loved him.  He died right before Christmas last year. I know it’s going to be difficult and sad to listen to Christmas music this year.  I’m working on songs for Jack but I don’t have too much yet. I miss Petey so much.  I am so grateful for Jack. He is rescuing me.  I now have a reason to get up in the morning. 

[Mandy25]

@EternalsoulI’m so glad you are feeling at peace. I am also glad you blocked your Mom and sister.  You just don’t need that negativity and neither does your sweet animals.  I don’t think I will ever be at peace with Petey’s death, but I am coping.  I’m so glad you found God.  I think there is something beyond but I’m not sure what. My mom was an atheist and I found her beliefs scary as a child, as she believed once we die, that is it. When I was a child, I asked her what happens when we die and she told me that we sleep forever.  That has haunted me.  My Dad did believe in God and we did go to church a few times.  I do believe there is something else and we will reunite with our loved ones, otherwise this life would just not make sense. 

[Mandy25]

@Eternalsoul Jack is doing better but is still quite fearful. It will just take time. I love him so much and I feel we have bonded, although he is still not entirely trusting.  Someone abused him in the past and I don’t blame him for being scared. He gets nothing but love, praise, treats, and attention, but as with all old baggage, it takes time to get over it. I am still depressed, but he along with my husband, brings me joy.  I don’t know what I would do without them.

[Eternalsoul]

@Mandy25

Thankfully I am not married ( just kidding) .... all jokes aside I could only imagine how hard it would be to lose a husband. That is a very beautiful bond. I hope that everyone finds comfort in knowing that their loved ones are in a better place. 

I'm not sure how atheists or other religions who don't believe in an afterlife cope. The only thing that gives me "peace" is Faith that we will reunite. I don't say this to disrespect anyone but I believe in the afterlife. 

I can never find true peace without her here but I have peace now that I'm not talking to those toxic people. My heart will always ache for my beautiful girl. Every morning it aches and feels sore. I miss her. My life feels empty but I listen to the signs. I believe. 

Reading what your mom says sounds very scary. That thought IS very haunting. I cannot imagine what went through your mind. I am happy that your dad took you to church. No, we do not sleep forever. Perhaps, our bodies do but not our souls/spirits. 

I think I will have my own "church" in my house instead of going. I just don't really want to be around people. I'm very introverted and find that I prefer to live as if I'm a forest elf. I'll read the Bible and listen to Elvis gospel. I'll have a church service with me and my pets. 

That is very beautiful what you did for your Petey. I'm sure he was so grateful for your songs. He remembers them to this day. You did not look crazy. If I saw that I would have been like "wow, that is a beautiful soul...." 

I was walking my dogs yesterday and I made up a song for my beautiful girl in Heaven and I truly felt she was listening. I know I looked like a weirdo but I didn't care. 

Maybe you can still sing to him. I'm sure he will hear you if you mean it from your heart and soul..  I know that holidays will be dreaded. You can still sing him those songs!!! He's not gone and it's not the end. I wouldn't lie. I know. You love him and he loves you. True love never dies!!!

It will take time for Jack to feel comfortable. I was mentally abused, so to say, and thats why I choose to stay away from most people. In time, when he sees how much you love him and care he will come around. But sometimes those scars are always there. If he was abused than it probably really hurt him physically, mentally and spiritually. It takes time. 

He's just truly lucky. I'm happy for you and for him. 

I'm deeply depressed without my beautiful girl. I try to play music for her everyday and to talk to her. I yell out goodnight to her and good morning when I see the sun. 

I miss her so much. I find myself taking deep breathes more than usual as if I'm empty but although I'll never be at peace I do find comfort in knowing I'll be with her again. 

I have Faith and I hope you will continue to have it. 

The road to them is paved with Faith. 

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

Haha, it's like Noah's Ark when it snows. 

This gave me a big smile, I love it!  You don't have a fence you can let them out in?  My dog LOVES the snow!  How much did you get?  I love it when we get just a few inches (NOT a few feet!).  I got 4'5" at once this year, had to have the roof shoveled off, so it buried the front porch steps in front of the house where the fence is.  I let Kodie out, no way could he navigate all that snow (he's around 20 lbs), he took one look outside and turned around and came back in the house!  And he LOVES snow!  But that was a bit much.

17 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

I'm not sure how atheists or other religions who don't believe in an afterlife cope.

Being on forums for 17 years I've heard it all, they have a very hard time.  Most of them wish they could believe, envy us.  I tell them to start by watching videos of the vast outer space from galaxies beyond...it has a way of expanding your mind, don't try to hone in on a set religion at first, just focus on opening your mind to "maybe...just maybe..." that's the first step..  I pray for them.  God will lead them in His path for them in his time and way...

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

I really love that story of "kitty" it's hilarious she'd sit on the Harley. She was a biker at heart.

I went through that phase, have a tat I wish I hadn't done, hard for an old lady to explain, haha!  But I wasn't always old...and I did love riding.  Still have my leathers and helmet, haven't used them in 14 years, feels much longer ago.

 

20 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

Is there any music that is less painful for you than others?

I listen to Christian music, it's George's music that is hard to listen to, anything that was "ours" and we had many songs!  Our courtship was a time of great music and he had eclectic taste, country, classical, jazz, bluegrass, reggae, so much more, he loved everything but acid rock and rap and I never was into those.  I've sang since I was a child, always lead worship at church...George was my biggest fan, sitting in the back pew, smiling so big at me.  The hardest thing in the world for me was getting up on the platform a week after he died and singing...with no George in the back pew smiling at me...worse was when someone began sitting in his spot.  I had to move to sitting in another section of the church, it was too hard w/o him next to me, a trigger, reminder of his absence.

 

20 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

How is Kodie doing? 

Kodie is great, I have to be gone five hours today, five tomorrow (church duties), I hate leaving him, I wish I could take him with me but it'll be too warm for him in the car and I can'tt bring him in when others are there.    I really am a hermit with my dog, we like our life, he gets his playdates with Jazzy every day and our walks.

20 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

@foreverhis

I forgot to ask. Do you have any pets?

We sing this song in our morning worship sometimes (very apropos for here):