Members magicmiriam Posted February 7, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 7, 2022 The love of my life, my reason for breathing passed away January 22, 2022 at 5:56am. He screamed out and his heart stopped, i tried doing CPR but he was gone in the blink of an eye. It's been 16 days and i'm getting worse. The first day i was in shock and just dealing with the cemetery and arrangements, it wasn't easy finding a cemetery on a saturday to bury him in sub zero temperatures after a snow storm. We drove with his lifeless body for an hour, holding and hugging him. It felt like i was having an out of body experience. I still don't remember how we got there, i guess it was waze. When we did get there, they walked us to the burial site, a hole in the ground had been dug up. We wrapped him in his favorite blanket and his favorite toy and laid him in the ground. I couldn't stop crying, I protected him from everything bad and now i had to lay him in the ground alone. They covered his little body with earth and i haven't been the same since. I will never be the same. I can't eat , i can't sleep, i can't talk, i shower if i must and i just cry all day. Tiny was more than my dog he was my baby. My husband and i tried to have children for 6 years and after many treatments were told we can't have children. That's when Tiny came into our lives 11 and a half years ago. He was the cutest chihuahua , completely hairless , so silky soft , like a baby. He was so beautiful and with time i realized he was more beautiful on the inside, he was kind, patient, smart, funny, stubborn, he was amazing. I ALWAYS FELT I GAVE BIRTH TO HIM. I bathed him, i put cream on his body, dressed him, he loved it and so did i. We were together all day, you couldn't separate us, we spoke with our eyes. He had the most beautiful brown eyes, human. Then when he turned 6 he met my neighbors dog, a beautiful blonde chihuahua, they fell in love and Tiny became a dad. He was so happy. They had 4 babies, i kept 2 and she kept 2, we couldn't sell them. Tiny's life changed and he was so happy, he had his 2 sons living with him and he taught them everything he knows. At 7 he started having trouble walking, he had floating knee caps, it slowed him down a bit but he learned to live with it, always happy. Then he turned 9 and developed syringomyelia , it's so painful and came on out of the blue, he got prednisone and was better but it causes weight gain which was hard on his knees but he was a fighter and was happy. Then at 10 he started getting cluster seizures, dozens a day, it was heartbreaking but the neurologist said there is no treatment for these seizures. At 11 he was diagnosed with Grade B heart condition, MVD, they put him on Vetmedin and said to wait 6 months for his next ultrasound. He died 5 month later from cardiac arrest, he was having a lot of trouble breathing but it all happened in minutes. One second i'm holding him and the next he screamed and stopped breathing. I feel dead, i feel guilty, i feel sick, i'm angry, i'm sad, i feel like dying so i can be with him. His 2 sons saw the whole thing, it was so sad. They lay on their still father for 7 long hours. They licked him, they lay on him for hours, they cried a lot. The vet said it was smart to let them see him so they will know what happened and therefor less traumatic. They are so depressed, they wait for him by the door, they lost their dad. I know they know he passed but just like me they can't accept it. When Tiny started getting sick i bought a mattress for the floor and slept with him till the day he passed. I stopped sleeping in the bed with my husband so i can make sure he's ok. He woke up often at night. My whole life was devoted to him. I don't know how to breathe without him. I think of going to the cemetery and digging him out and bringing him home. I can't stop thinking he's under ground, it's killing me. The sound of him screaming right before his heart stopped keeps ringing in my ears. I always remember this song 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Luminescense Posted February 8, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 8, 2022 I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your loved Tiny. It's normal to go through the motions of guilt, anger, and sadness. Grief can feel like a roller coaster at times. It's lovely to know that Tiny had two sons. It is sad that they lost their father and animals grieve, too. At the same time, you and his sons are going through this together. It's hard, but things do get better over time and you will have each other, too. (I remember as a kid burying my hamster after she died in the backyard and my siblings and I dug her back up and it was actually a bit of an upsetting experience. I don't think it helped our grief at all, to be honest). You are mentioning some incredibly strong emotions like wanting to die to be with Tiny. While I can't say that is an uncommon thought when it comes to grief, perhaps it would help to get in touch with a grief & loss counselor? If you have one nearby that specializes in pet grief & loss, that would probably be all the better and could help you navigate your path of grief. Perhaps finding a grief & loss support group could help. Some areas have their own pet loss support groups, which can be helpful to spend time with someone else that's currently going through a similar situation. (If needed, here is a link for a list of International Suicide & Emergency Hotline numbers: https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines ) Do be sure to take care of yourself and set aside time for you. Grieving is awfully hard work at times and it can drain us physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. With grief, it can feel hard to live in the present, but it can feel better to shower first thing of a morning, eat something even if it's small, and stay hydrated. Definitely continue to give yourself time to grieve. We all grieve differently and at different paces. Many take up to 6 months to feel okay with getting back to their regular, daily lives again. It can take time, quite a bit of it. Some people feel more at peace working on a legacy project (collecting photos of your loved one and making a scrapbook or something special for the sake of memories). For others, this may be more upsetting and perhaps they'd prefer a walk, some extra sleep, or talking aloud to their loved one as if they were there. There are so many different forms people cope. There will be better days ahead of you. It takes time to get there. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 8, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 8, 2022 Thank you for replying. Yes i believe i need counseling, other than my husband , everyone around me can't understand why i'm still crying. They all tell me i should be happy he went fast and he's in a better place. But it doesn't help, i can't smell him, i can't kiss him, i can't hug him, i can't look into his eyes. Tiny needed me 24 hours a day, but really. He needed eye drops 8 times a day, meds, supplements, and wanted to be picked up all the time. I arranged my whole life around him. He couldn't walk well on wood floors so i carpeted the whole house, he was not crazy about going out especially in snow because he's hairless so i converted a bathroom with plastic covers on walls and pee pads so he can relieve himself. I started sleeping on the floor with him because he couldn't jump off the bed and wanted to sleep with me. I quit a great job to find a job that i can work from home and be with him. I hand fed him too. I changed his clothes and bathed him and gave him massages. He wouldn't let me sit on the couch to even watch TV, only on the floor with him. I never went on vacations because he couldn't fly and i refused to leave him with anyone. Yes yes but i loved every minute, i was crazily devoted. He was spoiled and i was obsessed. I would rush to shower, rush to the store, rush rush rush so i can be with him. Nothing mattered to me, not family, not money, not friends, just Tiny. The bond was so strong, too strong and now,,,nothing. I've already printed all his pictures, had some blown up huge to hang. I got a tattoo with his name on my wrist. I got a memory chest for all his stuff, he had a lot of clothes, i refuse to throw out anything. The only thing keeping me going are his kids, Brownie and Mylo. He loved them so much and he would want me to be good with them. I try not to cry in front of them, they are also grieving. I play with them a lot, take them for a lot more walks, try to get them into a new routine. They spent most of their days following Tiny and cuddling with him, it's all different now and dogs are creatures of habit. i love them so so much of course but not like i loved Tiny. I loved Tiny more than i loved myself. All i keep thinking about are his last moments , i hear his scream before his heart stopped. My sister said i might have post trauma. I will see how the next few weeks go before i seek counselling, alcohol is helping a bit for now. My family is not good to talk to, only my husband understand my grief but he's also worried for me. He tells me to take of myself, that i'm young and beautiful and everyone always wants to be around me but i can't even look in the mirror. I feel guilty for living or smiling without him. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AJWCat Posted February 9, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 9, 2022 I am so so sorry for your loss of Tiny. Even though you knew he was up in age and had health problems, it's unexpected like it was, and a total shock. I lost my cat suddenly and horrifically (we think he somehow ingested poison though I don't know for certain as we were at a vacation house.) I held him and watched and listen to him suffer for a couple of hours until the emergency vet said there was nothing left to try and we put him out of his misery. I was inconsolable. And furious that my cat would experience such pain and anguish. I replayed those hours over and over. I thought I was going insane with grief some days. I've never cried that much. (I also don't have kids, he was our child.) There is nothing I can say to take away your pain. But I will say, I understand where you are. I know how bad it hurts. Like you never thought possible. I promise it won't always feel like this. Try to remember, you honor Tiny's massive role in your life by going on, by living and of course by taking care of Brownie and Mylo. He deserves that. But it takes time and hopefully you can ask those around you for that, TIME. Because it's not something you "get over." You somehow need to, through the love and strength of their memory, figure a way to keep going. Hang in there. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 9, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 9, 2022 I'm so sorry for your loss, how long has it been? I can't imagine the trauma of seeing him dying in pain. That would kill me. I too keep repaying his last moments in my head, even though i try to replace the thought with another thought, it keeps coming back. It's 18 days today, i still cry constantly but mostly in private now. I feel like my heart is physically broken. I wear a garmin watch that keeps vibrating to tell me i have irregular heartbeats, it never did that when Tiny was alive, i know my body is reacting to my grief. I feel like i'm going through withdrawal symptoms to an addiction, i've never been addicted to drugs but reading about it makes me realize it's similar. i found this online: Addiction comes from the Latin word for “attachment” and, psychologically, it conforms to the pattern of normal human attachment. In persons who develop addiction, their physical and cognitive resistance is not strong enough to overcome the relief or pleasure associated with the attachment or the grief associated with its loss.. Recovery from addiction is a complicated and lengthy grief process through which individuals gradually extricate themselves physically, cognitively, and emotionally from an unhealthy attachment to drugs, alcohol, behaviors, or relationships and replace that attachment with new, healthy attachments. How long does this process take and what does it look like? It looks like any grief process—with ups and downs, negative emotions, and a strong desire to escape the new reality that has been ushered in by loss. It takes years, not months. It is often messy and painful. In those who have the internal and external resources to persevere, it culminates in a new freedom, acceptance, and appreciation of life. I just miss him so much, i miss him with every breath i take, i feel like it's been one long day since he passed. It's eating me up inside. Even though i saw that he passed away a little voice inside my head keeps asking if he was really dead. maybe i buried him alive. Then i tell myself no, his tongue turned blue and he was cold and stiff. Then i feel guilty and ask myself why i didn't continue with the CPR, why did i give up and not keep going till he started breathing again. Why do i feel bad if i don't cry as much, even though i cry a hundred times a day. "Grief is love with no place to go." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 9, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted February 9, 2022 I responded yesterday but do not see my post! I am so sorry for your immense loss...you're the only one I've heard say this (title of post) besides me. My son was horrified when I told him that, I just wanted to kiss Arlie's sweet face one more time, of course I didn't dig him up, I know better, I know what decaying does... I want to leave you this article to help with his sons...Grieving Pet I hope this brings you some comfort... Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AJWCat Posted February 9, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 9, 2022 It's been over four years. I felt my heart was literally breaking in half!! (I kinda think it's healed but with a crack in it. I will never forget my cat or how we lost him.) I come to this forum because others like @KayC were here for me. Like you, after a couple weeks in, I began to cry alone. Didn't want to make my husband crazy even though he was grieving too. I would cry in the shower, no one can hear you. The truth is, Tiny is gone. All creatures pass. You gave him an amazing life. It's important to understand that not crying, not in pain doesn't = forgetting. Tiny is etched in who you are, what you do, believe, how you love, etc. Living is honoring him. It took me a long time to get that but I had to, just to survive with my grief. Though I miss my cat terribly and I'm heartbroken over how we lost him I've found a place of peace as best as I can. You will get there but it's not an easy journey. Come write here. Let it out. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 9, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 9, 2022 He was my responsibility, my protector, my friend, my crying buddy, and my soulmate. He made me laugh, cry, yell, and smile. The mere thought of him makes me happy. He never judged me or thought poorly of me, and he always wanted me around. He was always there for me and i for him. Like having a child .You are responsible for their health, protection, happiness and love. The difference between raising a child and raising a dog (cat) is that you see your child get older but you see your dog (cat) get old. Your child will never be older than you but your dog (cat) will be and it's sad. . 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 9, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 9, 2022 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Luminescense Posted February 13, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 13, 2022 Sometimes I think people don't quite know what to say when a person is grieving, and it's especially to say something unintentionally hurtful like, "You should be happy because...." because they aren't feeling that heartbreak themselves. Generally people have good intentions with their words, but it can hurt for people to seemingly dismiss your feelings as an after thought. It's okay that sentence they tell you doesn't help. It wouldn't help a lot of people that are grieving. I'm glad that Brownie and Mylo are bringing a sense of comfort at this time =) I am sure they need you, too. I would think even if you were to shed a tear in front of them, they might stick nearby. Within time, they will adjust to the loss of their dear old dad, too. Having a pet go with something startling like a yelp, scream, or rattling breathing is startling and it can be a traumatic memory for pet parents. There at times during the active dying phase where animals may make such sounds and many times, it's not attributed to pain (even though it may sound it or seem downright awful), but instead the changes occurring with the body shutting down (respiratory system, involuntary movements that occur, etc). I do hope that you're able to seek counseling for your grief and loss in your area. Some people find great relief with counseling. The alcohol is okay as long as you're not overdoing it or causing yourself harm. It makes sense that your husband is worried about you and it's a great thing that he cares for you. Many feeling guilty for living, smiling, laughing, or enjoying life with the loved one that has passed. This is incredibly common and normal during the grieving process. Even though your loved one is gone, as painful as it is - life marches forward. It's taking it a step at a time, taking it easy, spending time with our thoughts, grieving in the ways that are safe and comfortable to us, etc. It is distressing to see a spouse feeling under the weather so much that they don't eat much, drink much, sleep well, or shower. I'm sure your husband wants to do everything he can to help and asking you to take care of your basic needs shows that he is worried. You got this! Your husband, Brownie, and Mylo need you =) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 13, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 13, 2022 Your words really helped me. I am taking it day by day but i don't see it getting better just yet. I read about grief online and they say it takes time. Today is 3 weeks which is fresh. However my family thinks there is a 2 week timeline, especially for a dog they say. They don't understand he was my child. Even though i spent every minute with him and treated him like a child they don't understand. I just need to stay away from people who make me feel worse even if it's family. My husband said just fake it in front of them don't bring up Tiny to them. Then cry in the car and at home. I will just get angry when they don't sympathize. Mylo and Brownie are amazing especially because they are a part of Tiny and i try to comfort them as best as i can but they know i'm not all right, they feel the same way. We all know Tiny passed away but we haven't accepted it yet. He was the glue that kept us all together and happy. Thank You again for writing me, every word on this platform helps me, i value all the members. I miss him so much it hurts, hurts mentally, hurts emotionally, hurts physically. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 13, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted February 13, 2022 8 hours ago, Luminescense said: "You should be happy because...." I've learned that "shoulds" can be red alerts! Like...be on guard... Much of what people say to grievers is not helpfful, quite the contrary. I grew a lot of moxie when my husband George died. I learned to speak up for myself. If I don't, who will? 6 hours ago, magicmiriam said: I miss him so much it hurts, hurts mentally, hurts emotionally, hurts physically. (((hugs)) Yes, it does. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 16, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2022 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 17, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted February 17, 2022 Beautiful dog...I miss my big boy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 17, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 17, 2022 I miss mine more than anyone can imagine, it's painful to the core 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 22, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2022 I was playing this song yesterday and couldn't stop crying, i remember Tiny's last year how i would walk ahead of him with his 2 kids and he would fall behind all the time. I also put all his clothes and favorite things in a suitcase and i go through it every day, smelling everything. I found out this song is requested often at funerals by the deceased. I keep playing it over and over. Lying in my bed, I hear the clock tick and think of you Caught up in circles Confusion is nothing new Flashback, warm nights Almost left behind Suitcase of memories Time after Sometimes you picture me I'm walking too far ahead You're calling to me, I can't hear What you've said Then you say, "go slow" And I fall behind The second hand unwinds If you're lost you can look and you will find me Time after time If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting Time after time If you're lost, you can look and you will find me Time after time If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting Time after time After my picture fades and darkness has Turned to gray Watching through windows You're wondering if I'm okay Secrets stolen from deep inside (deep inside) And the drum beats out of time If you're lost you can look and you will find me Time after time If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting Time after time If you're lost, you can look and you will find me Time after time If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting Time after time Time after time I've got a suitcase of memories that I almost left behind Time after time Time, time, time But you say to go slow but I fall behind Time after time after time (after time, oh) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 26, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 26, 2022 I keep thinking that during Tiny's last week he didn't have the best appetite for food but he didn't say no to treats so i gave him lots of treats because he wasn't eating. Maybe that made his condition worse. I just read the post from @Mandy25 and i too was having trouble with food during his last week. I don't know why i keep going over everything in my mind and blaming myself for not doing more. I took him to the Vet 3 times his last 2 weeks but the Vet didn't look too worried. Oh it's his heart but he's stable. Wait for an ultrasound. Did i let my boy down, he was always a fighter, i never expected him to lose the fight. I feel so lost, i can actually feel my heart cracking and breaking. I started drinking so much to drown the pain and knock me out. I'm so depressed, i've never been so sad in my life. Just venting,,,no will listen to me anymore. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mandy25 Posted February 26, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 26, 2022 I feel the same way. I can’t sleep or eat and yes, alcohol does help. I am so sorry that you are so sad. I know how you feel. I am also extremely depressed. I think you did everything you could for your baby, above and beyond and no, you absolutely didn’t hurt him, whereas, although not intentional, I super screwed up. I was trying to make him happy and those last 3 months the treats were the only thing that made him light up. I was stupid to think that just because he was eating his kibble, he would eat enough. I still don’t know the exact reason he ate less of them. Was it because he was declining? I don’t know. I also took my boy to the vet often, 3 times in his last month and 1/2 and I wish he had given me some input on the weight loss. He had been doing pretty well considering the tumor in his bladder before this. In the end it was my fault and I feel that I did everything wrong. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 26, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 26, 2022 @Mandy25I don't think you're to blame at all, if you took him to the vet several times but he didn't do anything. I blame my vet too for a lot of what happened. When something serious happens they don't really know what to do. These vets are useless, i remember when Tiny was 9 he got a neurological disease called syringomyelia and he couldn't walk, eat or drink and the vet had no idea what it was. He gave him an allergy shot for god sakes. It's me who went on line for hours and diagnosed him. I went to my vet and asked for a referral to a neurologist who confirmed my findings. I wanted to punch my vet in the face. My dog suffered for 10 days, i had to give him fluids by syringe. So you see vets only know basic things unless they are specialists. I should have taken him to a cardiologist for his heart problem, i'm so so stupid. Like me you gave him treats to make him happy. Maybe we did the wrong thing i don't know. Everyone keeps telling me i did the best i can but i feel i failed him. He was the love of my life, my child actually, i gave birth to him. My depression is getting worse and i don't want to speak to a counselor, they will tell me what everyone is telling me, it takes time , it's not your fault. I just feel the more time passes the more i miss him. I don't see a future without him, i need him so bad it hurts. We were together 24hrs a day, my days feel empty. I keep trying to talk to god, take my eyes i tell him, take my house, take anything you want but please bring him back to me. My mind is out of control. My husband said to think of the good times but i'm stuck with his last moments, i keep remembering his cardiac arrest, how he screamed and fell back and stopped breathing. I feel i stopped CPR too soon, i should have kept going. My vet said it wouldn't have helped, what does he know. They put down dogs for a living. If they can't fix it they tell you to put them down so they don't suffer. Why don't they do that with people, they don't put them down, they do anything and everything possible. I;m just angry. Angry at myself, angry at the world. I feel for you too, i see you're stuck like me. My family said to take antidepressants , i don't know if that will make me miss him less. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 26, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted February 26, 2022 13 hours ago, magicmiriam said: I started drinking so much to drown the pain 12 hours ago, Mandy25 said: I can’t sleep or eat and yes, alcohol does help. Alcohol is a depressant, which actually can worsen what you're already going through. 44 minutes ago, magicmiriam said: My husband said to think of the good times but i'm stuck with his last moments It takes concerted effort to process our grief, and reach the point where we can remember them with a smile instead of this excruciating pain! Grief Process Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mandy25 Posted February 26, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 26, 2022 I know alcohol isn’t the answer and too much does make me feel more depressed. A little however, does tend to numb the pain a bit. I’ve also been told I need medication too, as everyone thinks it is my OCD that is keeping me going over everything in my mind over and over again and looking and seeing all the things I did wrong and signs that I missed then. Medication may help, but it isn’t going to change what happened. I keep thinking that although he was still eating his kibble up until the last 2 days, that maybe in those 3 months he was having trouble with it and that’s why he ate less of it. Maybe, his appetite was less because he wasn’t feeling good. I just don’t know which it was. Why did I think that as long as he doesn’t stop eating, he would be good. He sure did love his treats most of the time (although not always). He never chewed the pellets and swallowed them and they weren’t small. He had been eating them for a year before this. I tried in August to mix them with oatmeal and baby food but he didn’t want to eat them that way. I wish I hadn’t free fed him. I just wanted him to have food whenever he wanted. My husband says he saw our boy begin to decline early-mid year and the vet kept alluding since August that he would not last much longer, but I didn’t see it until around the end of October. I just couldn’t bare to have him leave me. He was my baby. That was selfish of me, but I wasn’t trying to be selfish, I just blocked it out. The decline was so gradual until that last week or so mid Dec when he gradually stopped eating and drinking and lost another 1/2 pound and I had to let him go. I wish I had done things differently. I am stuck with the mistakes of those last 3 months. The realization that I may have caused him to suffer by not monitoring his food intake better and waiting too long to let him pass makes life unbearable right now. My husband doesn’t want to hear about it anymore and I am seeing a counselor, but it really hasn’t helped much. I don’t know if this pain will ever go away. Miriam, I know that the grief is excruciatingly painful, but please don’t feel like you failed him, because you certainly didn’t. I on the other hand did. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 26, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 26, 2022 @KayC Yes you are right that alcohol is a depressant but it also makes me sleep and cry less. My husband said after this bottle i can't buy anymore, ya right. @Mandy25 I think i failed him and you didn't and you think i didn't fail him but you did. I guess we're both stuck in this grief loop. We know that alcohol, drugs, antidepressants, counseling, husband friends or family won't help us. The only thing that can make us better is having our baby back. I also thought he was a fighter, my husband kept telling me he's not well but i told myself he's just getting old but he'll always be with me, he's stronger than any illness. I was so wrong, it all happened in the blink of an eye. I just got back from his grave,,,, it's covered in thick ice, i brought a small shovel with me, was planning on digging him up, i keep thinking he's cold in his grave, i'm losing it, i know. I couldn't dig him up, there was thick ice and it's sub zero weather, made me cry even more. I lied down on his grave and cried and cried in the snow and wind. I need him so bad, even dead i want him back. I'm going crazy i know it, i don't know how to deal with grief at all. Mandy, we can't bring them back, if we could we would make a deal with the devil even and sell our souls to be with them. I really wish we will find peace one day, i just want to meet him at the rainbow bridge. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mandy25 Posted February 26, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 26, 2022 I know I failed my guy. Those last 3 months I was giving him so many treats (oatmeal, fruit, veggies, and most days a little egg white) because they made him so happy and were the only high point of his day. I didn’t give him any more protein foods because I thought his kidneys were in worse shape then they really were and I thought he was eating more kibble than he actually was (he was eating it, but not as much as he needed to, as I learned later when I looked at my food order after he died). I knew he was eating it, as food was gone and I sometimes watched him, but I didn’t measure it. That was so stupid. I was just so happy he was still eating as the vet always acted like he wasn’t going to live much longer. I was afraid to change his food, because of the pancreatitis he had Aug 2020 and I was giving him low fat food then (just not prescription). I know he had cancer and he was 16, but I feel responsible for his increased decline those last 3 months. Miriam, please don’t dig up your baby. He is not in that grave. His soul is not there. His soul is with you, around you, and in your heart. You definitely did not fail him. He loves you. I also want my guy back. I want to correct all the mistakes I made, but unfortunately that is not possible. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 26, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 26, 2022 @Mandy25 It sounds like the treats you gave him were healthy (oatmeal, fruit, veggies, and most days a little egg white) , why are you so hard on yourself. You're an amazing mom. The treats i gave him were store bought, there were 2 kinds he liked and when i think about it now i realize i should have not given them to him, maybe they had chemicals in them. If a child wants chocolate instead of dinner you say no but i didn't i kept saying yes, what was i thinking. He was almost 12, that's young for a chihuahua, there is a chihuahua in my building that is 18 and has no issues, it kills me, they usually live at least 15 years. My husband said he had a bad heart that it's not my fault. Something in me keeps blaming the lazy vet. You know last week i asked the vet to give me Tiny's medical file including all his xrays (his little body in the xray is so cute i almost died), i also asked the neurologist to send me his file. I plan to go through the file slowly to see what went wrong, what was overlooked. I know i won't bring him back but i need to know if it's something that was missed. Like i said i'm losing my mind, i can't think about anything else. Family come over and i pretend to be fine, i hear them talking but i'm not really listening. I make food, do errands, everything like a robot. The only thing that still makes me happy is being in my bed with his kids, he loved them and i'm trying to give them my all because i know (hope) that Tiny is watching. They are also mourning just like me, they have known their father since the day they were born. They look for him still, he was their compass. Other than them i have no interest in anything, i get no joy. My husband wants to have sex for example and i just want it over before it starts. He sometimes will watch a comedy and i cn't be in the room when he's laughing. How can you laugh when Tiny is dead. Thanks for listening Mandy. You had your little guy for 16 years, that's so hard, he was in branded onto your soul. i so understand you. Iwish i can give you comfort but i'm not there yet. I went from shock, to anger to depression, now they are all mixed together. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mandy25 Posted February 26, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 26, 2022 I would have given him commercial treats too except he couldn’t have them because of the fat content due to his pancreas and gall bladder disease. That probably would have been better. Unfortunately, the treats I gave him didn’t include any meat. I thought his kidneys were worse than they were by what the vet was saying so I thought I wasn’t supposed to give him any except what was in his kibble (which unfortunately he wasn’t eating enough of those last 3 months). I wish I had just asked the vet if I could change his food. I wish I had broken up the kibble so he wasn’t swallowing the big pieces. God, I wish I could go back in time. I requested and received my guy’s records, but going over them just made me feel worse. 12 is still a good age for a chihuahua. Just like people, there are things that dogs are born with that cause problems and it is nobody’s fault. My guy was born with hydrocephalus and had brain issues all his life. I honestly don’t know how my baby made it to the age of 16. We almost lost him at age 13 when he acquired an immune disorder that attacked his platelets. It was idiopathic, just happened. Thinking about my baby and my failures also has taken over my life. My husband and I are supposed to leave for Hawaii tomorrow and I don’t feel any joy or excitement. I feel bad for my husband because I know it’s hard to be around a depressed person. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 26, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 26, 2022 Ya when your guy ate less it put you into panic mode i'm guessing. Did he swallow them whole perhaps because he had a tooth ache? I feel for you, really. I know you are asking yourself what if, what if,,,,me too. You're going to Hawaii, that's good for you, you can go to the beach and cry and talk to your baby. I know he''s with you. I hope this trip helps you a bit. My husband wants to go away too but i keep saying soon, i really don't want to do anything but grieve. He knows i'm depressed but he doesn't know how bad, much worse than he thinks. Like i said i fake everything around everyone now, can't deal with confrontation Be strong.. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eternalsoul Posted February 27, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 27, 2022 Hi. I'm so grateful to find this site. My cat of 12 years passed away. I found her in a box at my old job in my early twenties as.a kitten. Long story short. She was the sweetest and most beautiful friend I have ever had. I have other animals at home and I do love them but she was my favorite. I've lost other pets but not like this. My own dog attacked her while I stepped outside for a few minutes. I am very upset because I had a family member who was yelling and screaming on their way out. I believe she got my dog stressed with her negative display and energy. The attack was over food. However, she survived the attack. There were no punctures just bruises. She was traumatized though. I had to syringe feed her for several weeks and I gave her subcutaneous fluids when she wouldn't drink water. I gave her a nutritional cat gel for cats who wouldn't eat. It seemed like she was making a return. I had high hopes for her. Every night after the attack she crawled under the blanket with me and her head was on my pillow. If I flipped to face the opposite side she'd follow me. She wanted to stare at me and touch my face every night. She passed away three nights ago in my arms on my bed. The cats who grew up with her kissed her and layer with her dead body I feel that I've failed her. She was the most gentle cat and would not fight back if anyone else picked on her. I was disgusted with my dog but everyone keeps saying my dog was stressed and when it comes to food. My dog grew up with them. I buried her last night with the help of my friend who also knew her since a kitten. When I was burying her and in the hole covering her with a blanket my dog came up to me and looked down and put her paw on me in sadness. I forgive my dog but I don't forgive myself. I think that if I would have given my cat more food she'd still be here. There was one day where she ate on her own and went for a huge walk around the yard as I followed her. She was drinking water on her own but she didn't eat on her own. I had to syringe feed her throughout the day. I've done this with other cats and they came back. My sister found out my cat died and has been telling me off and telling ne ugly things. She never cared about animals but she's using this time to knock me. My mom kept saying awful things like "you're cat had a long life ahead but the dog did that". I feel that you should never say that to anyone. I miss my cat so incredibly much that I have no motivation to do anything. I have to force myself. I dreamt of her last night that she was healthy and eating. I'm all alone. I have my other animals but she was my everything. She would purr on me everyday. She had the loudest purr. She was so gentle and loving. She was funny too. In her younger years she'd knock my stuff over so I'd open the door for her. She stopped doing that as she got older. I have been drinking to numb the pain. Nothing stops the pain. This house is so empty without her. I keep questioning the afterlife and if I'll see her again. I've lost other pets and was able to continue with life right away but this is more painful because of how it occurred. Then the ugly things my mom said that my cat had at least 4 more years. In a way she's blaming me for it. My friend who helped me bury her said he believes I'll see her again. I really hope that I do. I asked her to be with me when I die. I'm 34 and I don't have any children. I have animals and I love them all. She was just my baby and I feel like I'm being punished the way this all happened. I don't even care about money or fancy things I just want her back. I hope she forgives me. I told myself I wouldn't drink again today but I will. I'm all alone. I have my dad to talk to and my best friend. My mom and sister are hateful towards me. I just wish that she was still here. I'm so weak without her. I feel like I'm being cursed for not being the best person. I try to be good by helping animals. I wish she was here. I am mad at myself for failing her. I'm not mad at my dog anymore. I'm just sad she'd do that. I was outside for 2 minutes. My dog has gotten along with them all for years. That's all it took was me walking out. My mom was here that day and she was angry and arguing with me. I wonder if my dog got stressed over that. I don't want to talk to my mom or sister anymore. They both have been cruel in this time, which makes it harder. I'm all alone but I do have my friend and dad. I miss her so much. I wake up in the morning not wanting to do anything. I wish I could just be with her. I have my other pets and I need to be strong for them.... I just keep questioning the afterlife. My sister once said I'd never see them again.... everyone else I've talked to says that yes we will all reunite. I had asked God for a sign that morning. It was snowy the night she died. I looked out my window and saw a coyote or a wolf and my mind took it for a sign. I had never seen one here. I know they aren't a favorite but I just want to believe my baby is ok. I have never loved anyone like I do her. To anyone who is going through the same I truly understand its hard. I am supposed to be finding a job and I don't even want to do that. I hadn't worked so I could help her get better. I just feel like life is so empty for me now. I hope she knows I love her. I feel bad I couldn't go with her. My baby went away without me and I pray she's surrounded by eternal joy, happiness and beauty. None of our babies deserve anything bad. They deserve pure love and joy. Please God protect all of them. I'm just really sad that I couldn't save her. I tried and I tried. I just think I didn't try enough. I messed up. I don't think I gave her enough calories to bring her back. She wasn't a big eater to begin with so I thought I was giving her the right amounts. This is the same I gave the other cats I nursed but what if her body was different. I keep thinking maybe she needed another type of food from the others. I messed up and I will never forgive myself. I asked her to forgive me. I've rescued animals for 10 years and I failed the love of my life. I just hope that her soul lives on and visits me. I feel like a horrible person and that God is teaching me a lesson. I apologize for my negativity. I just really thought I had more time with her and how it all happened is a nightmare come true. I'm going to do my best to stay strong for my other pets. I just need a sign that I'll see her again or that she's in a better place waiting for me. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 27, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted February 27, 2022 19 hours ago, magicmiriam said: I couldn't dig him up, there was thick ice and it's sub zero weather I'm glad you couldn't, you know what happens to decomposing bodies, right? Esp. when not in a casket and other things get in and...I can't say any more. It's very graphic. You do NOT want that image in your brain! Trust me! That's the only thing that kept me from digging Arlie up, and that was two weeks after he died... 18 hours ago, Mandy25 said: Miriam, please don’t dig up your baby. He is not in that grave. His soul is not there. His soul is with you, around you, and in your heart. You definitely did not fail him. He loves you. I also want my guy back. I want to correct all the mistakes I made, but unfortunately that is not possible. This. 10 minutes ago, Eternalsoul said: My own dog attacked her while I stepped outside for a few minutes. I am so so sorry. This sounds the most horrific thing one can go through, this has happened with others. Very hard, I am so sorry for your loss. She is out of the pain now, it helps if you can focus on that, she is safe and peaceful now... Accidental Death Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers I hate it when dogmatic people make the claim animals don't go to heaven (my mom was such), they do not know that! I've read plenty that says they do! God created them, they are perfect, far more so than humans, we know there ARE animals in heaven ("The lion will lay down with the lamb..." Pets go to heaven I hope you'll read this, I found it very helpful on the subject: We Will See Our Pets in Heaven: The Afterlife of Animals from a Biblical Perspective: Burgess, Brian 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 27, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted February 27, 2022 14 minutes ago, Eternalsoul said: I feel that you should never say that to anyone. You're right. If I was grieving, I would not turn to her for comfort! Don't listen to them, I'm sorry your family is less than stellar/supportive. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 27, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 27, 2022 @Eternalsoul That feeling you have is exactly what i'm feeling. Like me you syringe fed for weeks, stopped working, all to be with her 24hrs a day. I thought Tiny was a fighter, i never believed he would die. It all happened so fast for both of us, we knew they were sick but we were sure they would make it. I feel like i was run over by a truck. Do you think about putting her in the ground? I can't get it out of my head, how i lay him down inside his blanket into the cold ground and then covered him with earth. I always protected him, how can he be going into the ground. My family also doesn't understand and would actually get angry i'm still grieving. I stopped talking to them too, i hated them but that made them say worse things. I realized that the best thing is to pretend i'm better when i was around them , i wasn't going to get sympathy from them anyway so the best thing is to fake it around them. That's what i do with everyone now. The real me feels dead and i cry anytime i'm alone. I can't stop wanting him back, nothing gives me joy. Who cares about work, people, trips , money. I would live in the street if i could have him back. I sometimes think i'm losing my mind. I know that alcohol is a depressants but i need something to knock me out, the pain is too great. Before Tiny passed away i never thought about the afterlife but now that's the only thing that gives me some kind of peace. Someone told me to watch a show on Netflix called surviving death and it changed the way i feel about the afterlife. I'm not afraid to die anymore, i used to be afraid of flying but now who cares, if it crashes i'll be with Tiny. I spend a lot of time looking at pictures and videos of him, i got a tattoo with his name on my wrist, i just keep doing stuff that keeps me thinking of him. I also have his sons to take of and he loved them very much and i know he wants me to be good to them so i do my best. I'm glad you forgave your dog, he was for sure stressed out. Sometimes my husband yells and all the dogs run to another room to hide, they feed off our emotions. My heart goes out to you, i of all people really understand, i'm lost, nothing or anybody can help me. He's been gone 37 days and it still feels just as bad, everyone said time, time time but time is not helping. The more you love the more you grieve. I know you loved her and she loved you. I'm here if you break down. You're not alone with your feelings. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 27, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 27, 2022 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eternalsoul Posted February 27, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 27, 2022 This is in response to Miriam. I'm still trying to figure out how to respond to these. I'm using an android. I woke up this morning and I heard the sound of sand cranes fly over the house and it was a very depressing sound. Usually everything sounds so beautiful. My best friend stayed on the phone with me for hours while I talked about my cat and other things regarding life. You asked if I think about putting her in the ground. I did. I put her wrapped in a blanket. My friend helped me shovel her with dirt. I waited 3 days to do it because I didn't have the strength. Everyone said she'd explode if I didn't hurry. I want to get her tattooed on me too. I feel really sad because my mom and sister are cruel to me but she's akwats been so kind. I wish I could help you feel better. I think that I'm okay but when the morning comes is the hardest for me. I was dreaming about feeding her and I knew it wasn't real. I'm happy that you have his kids to keep his memory alive. I truly believe we will see them again as long as we never forget them while we are here. Life is short and nine of us make it forever. I truly believe they will wait for us on the otherside if we hold them with us in our hearts. We have to be strong for them. I feel so empty and can't do much... I have my other animals and I know they feel sad as well. It feels like a nightmare. The alcohol erases it for a while but then I'm faced with my thoughts. Someone told me that they believe angels are placed in our lives but are disguised as pets. It sounded a bit extreme to me but what if they are our angels? Do angels have a time limit to be with us and to teach us things? Did you learn anything from your baby? What did he teach you? My cat was pure, gentle and never fought with anyone. She took pleasure in looking at nature. She'd purr when I was sad, stressed and scared. I still am sad. I will watch that movie. I love that quote that you've posted. It resonates with me so much. I don't want to be bothered by anyone unless they understand the pain and can relate. Most other people don't understand. They're just too concerned with superficial things that don't truly matter. Luke the quote goes "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". If you think about it most people will never experience a love the way you had with your baby. They can only wish. We have to be strong and BELIEVE that no matter what we are always together. This sounds cheesy I know. The only thing that keeps me going is the belief. Look at us. We are all alive. It's the impossible that we are all here. I hope you have the strength to be strong. I'm so happy to find this site because it shows that there are people who have beautiful souls. You have such a beautiful soul and any pet that has you is very lucky. My friend told me most pets die on the streets or in the pound. That's true. I feel bad for how my cat went and I have numbed myself by drinking a little. I can't say not to be sad we all must experience what we need to. I'm sad. I feel empty. I feel like I'm in a nightmare. A part of me feels like one beautiful day I'll see her. I asked God to not take his anger out on me with her. I sound dramatic I know but I have a heart and soul. This place is awesome to hear others because other people just care about the superficial. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eternalsoul Posted February 27, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 27, 2022 Thank you Kay C. I can't figure out how to directly respond to someone. I will watch thise videos this evening when I'm laying down for bed to find comfort. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eternalsoul Posted February 27, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 27, 2022 MagicMiriam I'd also like to mention that no matter how sad it gets I do not think they'd want us to be horribly sad. We must keep going for our other pets and loved ones. I believe that as long as we never forget we will always be entwined eternally. I think there's ways we can honor their lives and show them that we still love them. If we keep them alive through our hearts and souls they will always visit us. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 28, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 28, 2022 @Eternalsoul You don't sound dramatic or cheezy at all, you have a big heart. Your cat was lucky to have you. I keep thinking how she would lay on your pillow and purr. It's those little things that made such a big impact on us. They loved us and waned to spend every minute with us. It was never boring for them, we were it. I know they don't want us to be sad, i remember Tiny would stress out if i cried and licked my tears but i can't help it. I just miss him all day. This is the only place i can come and vent. All the members here are so amazing and helpful. I don't feel so alone grieving. In my real life it's a whole different story, they think because i look good i must be happy. It's retarded. At least my family doesn't bother me anymore, i pretend all is good. They are not the fountain of sympathy. You should also pretend with your mother and sister. My brother is the same way and every time i see him i imagine punching him. I agree with you that we will one day reunite with them, it's also the only thing keeping me going. You're right, they are angels sent from god. Dog is God spelled backwards. I will try to be strong and i hope you will be too. I go to sleep every night and pray tomorrow will be better but the morning comes and i'm not. Maybe one day it will be. I have Tiny's kids who i adore of course and you have your animals and we need to give them love. They feel our pain. I really try but i'm like a robot. Feed them, take them out etc etc but all the while Tiny is on my mind. I'm going to go have a drink, i'm here if you need me. BTW @KayC helped me so much , so did @Luminescense and @AJWCat and @foreverhis and @Gary55 and @Mandy25 they really helped me and were always there when i was crying and grieving, they are all amazing souls. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted February 28, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 28, 2022 6 hours ago, Eternalsoul said: Thank you Kay C. I can't figure out how to directly respond to someone. I will watch thise videos this evening when I'm laying down for bed to find comfort. Hi Eternalsoul. Welcome. I hope this helps with the technical stuff. If you want to quote a member's entire post, you just go down to where it says "Quote" at the bottom left of the post and click on that. The whole post will be copied as a quote into a reply box, as above. 6 hours ago, Eternalsoul said: Thank you Kay C. I can't figure out how to directly respond to someone. I will watch thise videos this evening when I'm laying down for bed to find comfort. 6 hours ago, Eternalsoul said: MagicMiriam I'd also like to mention that no matter how sad it gets I do not think they'd want us to be horribly sad. We must keep going for our other pets and loved ones. I believe that as long as we never forget we will always be entwined eternally. I think there's ways we can honor their lives and show them that we still love them. If we keep them alive through our hearts and souls they will always visit us. If you want to quote multiple whole posts, click on the plus sign next to "Quote" and then select each whole post you want to copy for quoting. A little box appears to the bottom right, showing how many posts you have selected. Click on that and the multiple posts copy into your reply box, as above. 6 hours ago, Eternalsoul said: I can't figure out how to directly respond to someone. If you want to quote just a part of a post, select the text you want to quote (front to back; back to front doesn't pick it up for some reason). It will be highlighted as is typical. Then hover over the text. A little box that says, "Quote selection" appears to the right and under your selection. Click that and the selected text copies into your reply box, as above. @Eternalsoul If you want to simply direct a reply to a member without quoting, type @ and then start typing the member's screen name (no spaces after the @). When you see the members name on the drop down list, click on that and the @Name goes blue and the post will be flagged for that member, as above. It took some playing around for me to figure out these various ways of quoting/addressing members. It's not completely intuitive, but I worked in the aerospace/technical/scientific industry, plus my husband was a CPA and software developer, so I learned to just "thrash about" (my husband's term) until I figured out stuff. I am so very sorry you lost your sweet cat. No matter how many years we have with them, it's never enough. Some people cannot or will not understand how deep our grief is when we lose a fur baby. The members here do. Even though my pet losses aren't "fresh," I still miss our most special dog and cat every day. Sometimes we find a soulmate in a pet (I really love that) and that makes the loss even harder. Your story is tragic. My heart hurts for you and all your animals, including your dog. It's good that you understand what led to the attack, that you realize she was going by instinct and not malice or "evil." That doesn't make it easier, but perhaps it will help keep your relationship with her strong enough to weather the grief. Self-blame and guilt are incredibly common, especially because they can't talk and tell us how they are feeling or what they need. You did the best you could; you gave everything to bring her back to health. It will take time, but I hope that you will be able to forgive yourself, to let your guilt become regret. It's hard, believe me I know, but being here helps. Ask yourself what you would say to a friend in this situation. Would you condemn and berate or would you console and comfort, understanding that none of us can see the future and can only do our best at the time? I bet it would be the latter. I've learned that it's very important to try to treat ourselves as kindly as we would treat others. As for your family...the words that spring to mind are not appropriate for me to write here. I'm disgusted and angry on your behalf. Callous and sickening don't begin to cover their behavior. I would probably go no-contact with them as much as possible. I'm so sorry that they have compounded your grief. Please keep coming here to read, post, rant, or even "scream" if that helps. You are not alone. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 28, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted February 28, 2022 23 hours ago, magicmiriam said: I would live in the street if i could have him back I know, this is exactly how I felt about Arlie, but I was robbed of the ability to DO something about his cancer because the friggin' vet did not do his job adequately! It's very upsetting, but I can't change it now. I switched vets for the euthanasia, and look how that went! It seems there is incompetence in the medical field, both doctors and vets alike. 17 hours ago, Eternalsoul said: Did you learn anything from your baby? I like the thought of them being our angels, I know Arlie gave meaning to my life, as Kodie does now. I miss Arlie's goofiness, he always made us smile, anyone who was around him (excepting my DIL who never like him because he was mine). I need to give thought about this question you asked... Someone in our loss of spouse section was disparaging about cats, it greatly upset me, not the first time, I know he comes out with things w/o caring what others think, I get that, I admire his ability to speak what's on his mind, but felt it insulted all of us cat lovers, w/o thinking, will see what he has to reply today, not wanting to hear it really. I've had cats all my adult life until losing Kitty, and for some reason, something has held me back from getting another one these last 26 months. I loved her more than I'd ever realized. She was very unique...they all are. Maybe it's me aging, but it seems accepting their deaths comes harder the older I get, of course, I've lived alone (from humans) these last 16 1/2 years, so my animals are my life, my world, dogs AND cats! 17 hours ago, Eternalsoul said: I can't figure out how to directly respond to someone. You can tag them by putting @ and then their username, when it pops up, click on it. Once in a while it doesn't work, but most of the time it does. OR you can quote what they say by selecting a passage, then clicking quote when it pops up, then you type under that. Or you can hit quote and their whole passage will quote and you respond. 10 hours ago, foreverhis said: If you want to quote multiple whole posts, click on the plus sign next to "Quote" and then select each whole post you want to copy for quoting. I never get a + sign so no wonder I've had a hard time figuring out multiple quotes! Are you on a PC or phone? I use the PC, my cellphone doesn't work here in the mountains. 17 hours ago, Eternalsoul said: Thank you Kay C. I can't figure out how to directly respond to someone. I will watch thise videos this evening when I'm laying down for bed to find comfort. 10 hours ago, foreverhis said: If you want to quote multiple whole posts, click on the plus sign next to "Quote" and then select each whole post you want to copy for quoting. A little box appears to the bottom right, showing how many posts you have selected. Click on that and the multiple posts copy into your reply box, as above. Ha, I did it! I never noticed the + to the left, but you have to do it in a new thread, not one you've already started it seems. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eternalsoul Posted February 28, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 28, 2022 @foreverhis Thank you for showing me how to utilize this. I appreciate it. As I've stated, I am very grateful I've found this site. There are beautiful people/souls on here. I've always loved animals since a child. I've lost several animals before. Prior to this there was only one tragic death of my dog. I was 9 and I watched him become bones with blood dripping from his nose. This went on for what seemed a week. Neither of my parents took him to the vet. He died outside and alone. His memory is still with me at 34 years old and the night before my cat died I was crying for him. I've had other pet losses throughout the years and I can say with certainty that none of them have hurt as much as this one. I don't want to be rude but she was my favorite one. She was the kindest girl I've ever known. If I was sad or mad she'd lay on me and purr the loudest purr I've ever heard. I feel bad 'cause sometimes I'd put her to the side so I could read or get up to do something. My sister has taken this opportunity to tell me very cruel things and to even laugh at me. She has told me several times she only cares about money and getting ahead and that animals are only a ball and chain. When I was in my twenties she told me I was dumb for putting them first before everything. She has more money than me now but it sure doesn't seem like she's happier than me. I'm sad now. I keep calling out my cats name. It's so lonely here. It's just me and my pets. I have one best friend and my dad to talk to. My mom blamed me and my dog for her death. I was reliving that day in my head this morning and I remember my mom was here yelling and she was the one who put my cats plate down on the floor where my dog eats.I had it on the table for a reason so they could eat when it was appropriate. I remember seeing my cat look up at me and smile as I walked out with my mom who was yelling and complaining and I walked in to find my dog on top of her. She was in shock but I calmed her down. She had bruise on her scalp and side ear. I had to syringe feed her for weeks and it almost seemed like she was going to make it but I keep blaming myself that I didn't give her enough food. I keep thinking if I gave her more food she'd be here walking around. It was hard to feed her compared to past animals but I really thought I was giving her enough. Most of the other animals I syringe fed made it back within a week or two. She even sat in front of the kibble but just stared. She had one day where she ate on her own. I told my sister on the phone that day she died that I was mourning and she started sending me hateful texts of things from the past that didn't matter. Then my mom kept rubbing it in my face of what my dog did and how my cat had a long life ahead of her. My mom doesn't even like animals like I do. I believe they took this time to knock me even further down. I blocked my sister and my mom. I told my mom that I don't want anything to do with either of them. It hurts me to be alone but I can't talk to people who treat me that way or who take pleasure in seeing me down. The thought of seeing my cat again gives me hope. As you mention, it does hurt because they can't speak to us in human words on how they feel. She kept staring me in the eyes every night when I was trying to help her. She walked over to lay with me as soon as I layed in bed. She was so gentle. She got under the covers and I put her head on my pillow and we layed like that every night. She'd hit me with her paw in my face a few times and I'd wake up. I don't know what she was trying to say. A part of me thought she wanted me to protect her and the other told me she knew she was maybe going to leave. I feel awful for letting her down. As for my dog I can't be hateful to her or anything. If I can forgive her maybe God will forgive me. It's hard to look at her the same but it wasn't her fault. She put her paw on me twice as I layed my cat in the hole. She had a look I'd never seen in her eyes. I told her that we both messed up. I asked my cat to forgive both of us before I buried her. I feel like a worthless idiot. My family believes in God and through the years I've struggled with full belief. However, I'm trying my hardest to see the message in this. Why was my favorite one taken that way....she didn't deserve to go that way. I always had goals to give them a better life. I thought she'd be here longer. I keep wondering if she's watching me. Where did she go? Will I see her again? Does she know I love her? @KayC has put a video to watch that really helped me by reading the comments. I was watching videos on animals going to heaven. I truly hope with everything I have that I'll see her and all of them again. I want to thank you so all much for these kind words and for taking the time to talk to me. I feel so alone. Even though my other pets are here I feel empty and lost. I hug them and kiss them to let them know I love them. I'd give anything just to have her back. Money and fancy things mean nothing to me. I'd rather have her back. This site is amazing. I never knew kind people still existed. I'm very grateful for all these beautiful souls. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eternalsoul Posted February 28, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 28, 2022 @magicmiriam I know exactly how you feel about being like a robot. I told myself last night that today would be easier. It isn't. I searched on YouTube for videos that talk about seeing animals after death and if they go to heaven. It helps to give us hope. I look outside and it all just looks so ugly to me. If she were here there would be joy. I feed my other pets and clean a little bit but then I have no motivation fir anything else. I keep reliving that day over and over that she was attacked. Then I think about what I did wrong to not help her get better. I feel like I screwed up really bad. I kind of hate myself a little. It took me 3 days to bury her. I had to drink to start digging. It was too much for me. The day she died I drank and cried while she was in my bed wrapped in a blanket. Its the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. It's like everything stopped but it keeps going on. I don't want to be negative. I told myself I'd be productive today but I feel the loneliest I've ever felt. I feel like I'm an idiot. I noticed the user @Mandy25 has guilt too over the way her baby was fed during the last days. I just hope if it is not my fault in anyway and that she can forgive me or already has. I understand how you feel about having to pretend infront of everyone. My dad even made a joke that I was having a pity party. People get tired of hearing about it I guess. They only want to live a life that is just happy. Life isn't only happy. There are ups and downs. It's sort of like living in denial. I'm not having a pity party. I don't care about myself. I feel guilty that I didn't protect her enough or bring her back to health. It's a tough situation to accept. I just wish I could go to bed and wake up from this. I keep thinking maybe I'm in a bad dream. My sister and mom really added to it by being jerks. It's OK. My cat is more important than they are to me and it took me losing her in the physical to see who is really my true friend(s). I have the blankets that she threw up on 10 minutes before she passed away. I still haven't washed them. I know I have to. I keep thinking of her and I feel it's a terrible cold place without her. Tiny was so lucky to have you. There are so many animals who are abused, who die without ever having anyone human who loved them. There are people who keep their dogs chained. There are people who throw animals out of moving cars. There are people who leave their pets at kill-shelters just because they peed on their carpet. The way I see it is he was super lucky to have you and most people would have given up on him. The day he found you and you found him was a blessing. He knows you loved and still love him. You never gave up on him. But sometimes we can't beat fate. I keep telling myself that life isn't forever. It just feels like an eternity one day without her. I miss her more than words can even describe. Thank you for talking to me and for helping. Everyone else is so self-absorbed with money and entertainment. I have one friend who lost his brother a few years ago and he understands. He said 5 years later he still thinks of the "what ifs". He said it's better to have the regret than to forget about them because the memory is alive. I just Pray and ask God to protect her and all of our babies. They deserve the best and nothing less. I just hope one day these awful feelings go away. Also, I pray that we and anyone else looking for a sign of their loved ones gets the sign that we are all looking for. I truly need one more than anything. I'm here too if you or anyone needs to talk. I feel so empty. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mandy25 Posted February 28, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 28, 2022 21 minutes ago, Eternalsoul said: I had to syringe feed her for weeks and it almost seemed like she was going to make it but I keep blaming myself that I didn't give her enough food. This is how I am feeling about my 16 year old chi mix. He had bladder cancer, chronic pancreatitis, gall bladder disease, and kidney disease. The cancer was terminal and he was not a candidate for treatment. He had to eat a prescription diet since August 2020 and the kibble pieces were regular size and he didn’t chew them but didn’t look like he was having any trouble eating. I put broth in with them initially but he preferred them dry. After the cancer diagnosis in Nov 2020 he did pretty well and maintained a good weight until Sept 2021. My mistake is I was just leaving food down all the time so he could eat when he wanted to and I didn’t measure it. I was also giving him treats of oatmeal, fruit, veggies, and a little egg white. I didn’t give him extra protein foods because the vet had me believe his kidneys were worse than they really were. He lost a little over a pound and was 9 lbs on Dec 1. The vet didn’t say anything about his weight and I’m sure he thought it was due to the cancer as his symptoms had been progressing and then so did I. In the next 2 1/2 weeks he lost another 1/2 lb and stopped eating and drinking entirely and all his other symptoms had progressed to the point that we had to let him pass. When I was searching for what went wrong and looked at my food order, I found that he had been eating less of the kibble than before, since Sept, and also that when looking at the reviews of the dog food he ate, that some other people with small dogs broke the kibble down. Now, I don’t know if he didn’t eat as much kibble because it was now, beginning Sept, too hard to eat (he seemed ok when I watched although he was eating a bit slower) or he was just getting sicker. He was very excited about his treats most of the time (until the last week or so) so he did have an appetite, so I thought he would continue as before. He passed over 2 months ago and I can still barely function, thinking that maybe he had wanted to eat more but was having a hard time with the kibble or just didn’t really want to eat it anymore (a couple of times he sniffed it and walked away, but did eat some later). I am so stupid for feeding him that way and not measuring. I loved him so much and to think I hurt him or contributed to his dying makes me sick. I was so limited on what I could feed him due to all his issues, that I was so afraid to give him something that would hurt him and I end up hurting him anyway. I miss him so much and can’t bear the thought that I may have hurt him. I am sorry about the loss of your beautiful kitty. I think it would be very hard to know the exact amount to syringe feed. The fact that you took the time to do this just shows how much love you had for your kitty. I am so sorry about what happened. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eternalsoul Posted February 28, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 28, 2022 @Mandy25 I totally understand how you feel. I thought I was doing everything right but after she died I noticed I should have been giving her more of the cat nutritional gel. At the time I thought the food, plain bone broth, and water were enough and that only a bit of gel was needed. I didn't want to give her too much gel because it has corn syrup in it and I don't think that can be the healthiest thing to over give a cat. I noticed the food I was giving her was low in fat so I'm truly sickened with myself. I keep thinking if I would have done it all differently she'd be here purring near me. I am so sorry that this happened to you. You loved and still love your baby. It hurts me that it's still 2 months and that you're sad. I'm so sorry. I don't think we will ever stop missing them. Do you believe you'll see your baby again in the afterlife? Have you received any sort of sign yet? I can't function either. I feed my other pets and I make sure they are all OK and taken care of but then I just feel so empty. I hug and kiss them. I just wish I had the chance to hold and dance with her. I can relate when you say that "you're stupid". I don't think you are. I think you did everything you could. I am sickened with myself if I'm the 'cause for her dying. Your dog was 16 and that's a very high up there age. I think anything after 7 is a very high age for dogs. They are elderly! My cat was 12 or 13 and my mom threw it in my face that cats live longer...............Nobody has the right to say that. Animals get sick. It's put of our control. I'm a complete stupid idiot. I would never intentionally harm an animal and I thought I was helping her. I truly did. I feel I messed up really bad by not doing something more. I feel like I'm in a nightmare. I hope she forgives me. Now that I read your story I truly think you did everything from your heart and soul. That's what matters. 16 is a long life for a dog. I think when there's cancers and illnesses that they eat less. The older they get the less the body needs. I don't think it's your fault at all. Me on the other hand I don't know if I was giving her the proper nutrition. I worried she too had kidney issues cause she always drank a lot of water before the attack. I feel sick with myself and the only way I escape that feeling is by drinking..... I can't face my thoughts. I hope you heal soon. Your dog knew you loved him so much. What a long and beautiful life he was blessed with..wow. At the killshelter I live by over 50 dogs and cats are surrendered daily. You saved your dog from dying in a cold shelter without love. You gave him love. Love cannot be bought. I hope you see him again. I truly do. I hope we all are reunited. There's nothing I want more. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eternalsoul Posted February 28, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 28, 2022 @Mandy25 My other dog died at 11. It was unexpected and I didn't know she was dying. She yelped and died in my arms. I think when they get sick that maybe we punish ourselves because we take on the protector role. If we can't save them it eats away at us. But if God is real and I believe he is than we all have a time and maybe there's nothing we can do to stop God's plans of when he's taking them home. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted February 28, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 28, 2022 @Eternalsoul I agree with you, that you look outside and everything looks ugly. It's so weird how the sun comes up, stores are open, people eating and going about their life and i feel my life has ended in a way. Even if i make it out of this sadness my life won't be the same. Everything changed on January 22nd. I will never be the same person. It's like the world ended. Someone looking from the outside might think i'm exaggerating because he was not a person ,,but to me he was more. I could go on without seeing family and friends, but not seeing him is hell on earth. I always loved animals more than people. The last couple of years i was looking at properties that were off grid, i was sure i would take Tiny out of the city and into nature and he would feel better, i had so many plans, all revolving around him, anything to make him happier. Now it's all irrelevant. He deserved a better life. I should have taken him to a cardiologist and out of the city away from pollution. I should have done so much more but who thought he was going to die. I think about your sister and mother and how evil they are to you, it's almost like they get joy from your misery. Forget them, they don't deserve to see you. You're such a good person. You loved and treated your kitty so well. I know you did everything you can. I know i did everything i can but i still feel guilt. Maybe i missed something. He would stare at me all the time, he wanted eye contact all the time. He wanted me to lie down with him every second of my day. He wouldn't let me shower or sit at the table and eat, he just wanted my full attention. Often i would say, not now Tiny, wait, stop crying,,,why did i do that? I think about stupid things i spent time doing when i could have been with him. My guilt is never ending. You know it's weird. My taste in music changed, my taste in what i watch changed, the things i want to eat changed. I've changed. My pain is not only emotional it's physical. I feel i'm going through addiction withdrawal, the symptoms are similar. I too hug Tiny's kids but there is still a void in me, like you said, empty. I also home these awful feelings go away and i can only remember the good times. I started a journal, i write down any little thing i remember about Tiny. Anything and everything, i never want to forget anything. One day i will reunite with him and so will you with your beautiful kind kitty. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eternalsoul Posted February 28, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 28, 2022 @magicmiriam I understand what you mean fully. I look out and see the cars passing by and everything just looks so fake. What I mean by that is I feel people don't realize how beautiful life truly is. Its all materialistic and entertainment. People just treat their animals like they are nothing. That day my cat died my sister wanted to show me her new 2022 car and got mad because I said I wasnt interested. I said I was mourning a life. She took a blow to her ego and in so many words told me her car was more important than my cat's life. How disgusting and no I will never talk to her unless it is unavoidable. I too feel my life has ended and I hope that I'll be able to overcome this. My cat was black with brownish red hair. Someone told me to get a new black kitty as if that is going resolve all my problems. That would be terrible to do right now. I wouldn't want her to think she's replaceable. If it happens in the future than it has to be meant to be. Not forced. Nothing or nobody can ever take her place. I'm sure you feel the same way about Tiny. I understand how you feel about the moving to the country. I had goals and dreams to get a house. I wanted to get a house where I could let my older cats have their own in and out garage protected from predators and danger. I always thought she'd be here. You tried to do so much for him. That's so inspirational and beautiful. The thing with life is none of us our promised forever in the physical. I keep saying this but I still feel empty. Tiny lived a long and loved life. Most dogs go into kill shelters or die on the streets looking for their next meal. Maybe we will always feel like we couldn't give them enough and that's probably true. We couldn't because maybe God is the only one who can give them everything they've ever needed. That thing is an eternal beautiful joyous life. This world is full of sadness and heartbreak at times but if we can try to even have a little bit of strength than we can keep ourselves strong for them. I was thinking to myself what would my cat do if I died. Then a funny thought occurred to me that she'd probably go eat and clean herself. We never know what they are thinking and that's the hardest part. You say he stared at you. Maybe he was admiring you before he went. I wonder if they know they are going to die. She too wanted to be with me next to my heart. Maybe it comforted her. She'd stare in my eyes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. If you can hold unto that stare. I know he'll never forget you. How could he? I believe the soul is very strong. I'm hoping she's here with me visiting and never let's go. If I can keep her memory strong....I don't think they'd want us to fall apart. Death is unfortunate when it's out of nowhere or even when you know it's coming but how lucky were they to die knowing that they were loved.... I feel they take a piece of our souls with them. That's why we are empty. If we love something enough in this life they take a piece of us and that's why we struggle with this feeling. Their physical bodies are gone and that's hard, too. I feel like I've lost so many years of my life. I can't explain. I know. I could go on living life without family and I'd be happy if she were here. No other sorrows would matter. I know what you mean about telling him to stop crying. I'd get annoyed over dumb little things or I'd say frustrated things. I hope she knew I didn't mean it to be cruel. Before the attack she would poop on my dogs bed. I would give anything to be able to clean up her poop from his bed. I don't think he would care if you said to stop crying. He knew you loved him no matter what and you still do. I feel bad for the things that I did and didnt do too. I just heard birds chirping and it sounds so sad to me. It's weird. Birds should make me happy. I get what you mean about withdrawals and I believe you. I feel like I want her back so badly but she's no way here in the physical. Before she died I was going to the gym. I was being productive and now I just long for a sign. What are they doing right now... I'm going to write down some things about her this evening. That's a beautiful idea. Maybe you can make him a tombstone with something special on it or a photo memoir at your home. Yes! We will reunite. They are purer souls. Now I know I have to be a better person to be with her and my other pets. I want to make her proud. Sounds weird. My music taste has changed also. I listened to sad music for days in a row and I'm too afraid to listen to more sad music because it will cripple me emotionally. I have sad empty dreams. I wish I could hold her. Everything would be complete. I know we will see them again and they wouldn't want us to suffer. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mandy25 Posted February 28, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 28, 2022 @Eternalsoul Thank you for the kind words. I don’t think you did anything wrong. I think you were a wonderful mom to your baby. I do think I will see my boy when I die. I hope he forgives me. I never meant him any harm. I wish I had done something with those kibbles. I had tried in August to moisten them for him with some watery oatmeal (I have done this in the past with other kibbles) and get him back on regular meals, but he didn’t want to eat them this way, only dry and on his time. I wish I had broken them down into smaller pieces to make it easier for him, but he was eating them (although less starting Sept) and I was afraid to change anything. I did not want him to leave me. He was, since about June, getting progressively unsteady, straining to pee, and becoming more lethargic and I knew he would eventually die but I just couldn’t face that. He brightened up when he was getting his treats. I thought I was doing a good job caring for him…taking him out in his carriage, changing his diapers, cleaning up after him, making him happy with his treats, laying with him, loving him, etc but screwed up with something as basic as his diet. How horrible and I didn’t even realize until after he had died. He was supposed to live forever (I know unrealistic) , no matter what. He was sickly but tough. I loved him so much! I have his ashes and I want to be cremated and have his ashes buried with mine. I hope he forgives me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eternalsoul Posted February 28, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 28, 2022 @Mandy25 I relate so much to this. You did everything you could plus more yet you feel you messed up with the food. I feel I should have forced fed her more with better nutrients. I even wonder if that gel was unhealthy for her with corn syrup. Perhaps she had an underlying condition I didn't know about. I can't count the thoughts I've had that tell me I'm a failure and a loser. That's all I hear. But do they want us to feel this way? No. It's guilt like @KayC said. It's normal. I've lost several pets but none have ever hit me like this. With those other pets it got easier but with the first pet I ever lost at 9 years I never got over how he went. He bled from his nose and his ribs were sticking out. I think a neighbor poisoned him. He was only 4. What if I did this what if I did that. I can't stop thinking that. I keep wishing I could run to go feed her more food. The chance is gone. If I messed up I hope she forgives me, too. I hope he forgives you, too. If that's what you truly feel. I can't tell you what to feel. We all feel what we feel. I do know that we all tried and NEVER would hurt our babies intentionally and they know this. You had a lot on your plate and it was incredibly sad and stressful situation. Reading your post and @magicmiriam post I believe 100 percent that you both did everything and anything. I'm still beating myself up because my own dog betrayed me by doing this. She didn't kill her but she gave her a beating that hurt her. I tried for weeks. I keep telling myself that my dog didnt mean any harm. She apologized while I buried her when she put her paw on me twice in a very sad way. Your dog was faced with illnesses. It doesn't make either harder or easier. You are not to blame for anything. If you had given up on him and dropped him off at a shelter to have them clean up the mess than yes I'd say that's disgusting. You gave your soul into trying and so did @magicmiriam. I think he took a piece of your soul. The love will never end. Never stop loving him. We must never forget them even if it hurts. We must keep their memories alive with photos, Christmas decorations, memorials, donations to less fortunate pets in their names. I was thinking of printing a patch out of my cats face and placing it on the inside of my coat near my heart. Writing a journal as Miriam mentioned. Writing a song maybe. I went and sat by her grave today and I feel a sort of comfort even it's for a minute. I am drinking to numb the pain for a moment... I just feel very lonely and empty. I never did before this. I had it all with her here. I understand you want to have your ashes mixed. It's just awful that life is so beautiful and in one day it's all gone. But we must try to find the beauty still. If a miracle like meeting them could occur than why can't more miracles happen? We will see them and we will hold them. If the spirit truly wants that nothing can stop it!!! Your dog is with you. I truly believe it. They want us to laugh and smile. It's the hardest thing we will probably ever face. If we can survive this we can survive anything @magicmiriam and @mandy25 and anyone else who is suffering. Please be strong please. I will try. Even one moment of strength helps me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members magicmiriam Posted March 1, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2022 @Mandy25 I also thought he would live forever or at least as long as i do. I remember when he was alive i used to say to god, please let him go a day before me so he doesn't morn and take me the next day but it's been 38 days since he passed away and he didn't take me the day after. How is Hawaii, does it help? I hope it's helping. @Eternalsoul Everyone tells me he's with me and i feel him in my heart but i haven't received any signs from him, i keep looking. Every night before i fall asleep i ask Tiny to be in my dreams so i can see and hug him but i guess because i drink before i go to sleep i can't remember my dreams since i sleep so deep. I remember you said that you waited 3 days before you buried your cat. I envy you. When Tiny passed away we buried him after 9 hours. I wanted to keep him in the house longer but my husband said we have to burry him right way or bugs will come and he will stink. Why did i listen? That's one of the things that haunt me, makes me crazy. I keep thinking maybe he wasn't dead and i berried him alive. I remember he was rigid and cold and his tongue turned blue but something inside me keeps telling me i should have waited longer to burry him. I told my husband that it's killing me and he assures me he was gone. He said Miriam, he was cold, he didn't move, he was hard. Why am i not accepting it. Why did i rush to burry him? Till this day i feel if i take him out of the grave i can revive him, i'm seriously losing my mind. You're lucky your kitty is burried close. I had to burry Tiny in a pet cemetary which is and hour away and i can only go once a week. I feel dead, at least if i was dead i would be with him, but i'm dead and without him. Today i went from wine to Vodka and orange juice, i know i'm on thin ice but i need to numb the pain somehow. I start drinking at 4 and don't stop till i go to bed. I would start earlier but i work online from 7am to 4pm. I'm a buyer for Staples, it's a fast paced job so i can't drink but as soon as 4 comes around i pour my first drink. My husband said this is my last bottle. Take antidepressants he said. Oh god i have no energy for anyone. Today i went to visit my parents, they can see i'm sad but they won't say anything about Tiny. Actually no one talks about Tiny and/or death. It's almost like they think death is contagious, whatever, let me grieve in peace. If they had the connection i had with Tiny they would understand. We were a match made in heaven. I always wondered why i came to this world and i realized it was to meet Tiny so he will be with me in the afterworld. I sound crazy i know but i can't get rid of this empty feeling. His kids are the only ones who feel like me, thy miss him just as much as me, we all cuddle and we all know that only Tiny can make things better. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eternalsoul Posted March 1, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2022 @magicmiriam Thats very cool that @mandy25 went to Hawaii. I want to go to Colorado once it warms up. The Garden of the God's was a really cool place that I briefly visited a few years ago. You say you want to dream of him. I had a dream of her the second night but it was tormenting in a way. I was feeding her and she was healthy. It was awful. I think they know when to visit. When my second dog passed away I was 25 years old... I believe it was months until I dreamt of her. She was covered in green grass and someone with light all around them brought her to see me. I was weeping in my sleep. Then they took her away. It was very comforting even though I wept. I could hear myself crying. She was 11 when she suddenly passed away. A week before she was laying with my dog who she hated and everyone else. Those were the signs she was leaving. She died in my arms. My cats body got cold and stiff a few hours after. I just didn't want to bury her because I didn't have the energy to do it or the courage. It did start to smell a little the night of but I ignored it. That sounds insane I know but whatever. My family always buried the animals within hours growing up. I think they leave their body immediately and stay with you in spirit. He wasn't in his body anymore. I can assure you this. I've lost a lot of pets and I could always tell. I think they hang around though. We are just too focused on guilt that maybe we can't see the signs. You did not bury him alive. My childhood dogs got buried sooner than a few hours. 9 hours he was definitely running around wondering what shenanigans he could get into. He was no longer in his body. By then they are out of the body. Trust me on this. I kept thinking what you were thinking about reviving even after 3 days. Once the spirit leaves the body there's no reviving. His spirit is with you and God. He's watching over you. I'm sorry that they don't mention him. Some people don't know what it is to love and lose. What you both share is something truly beautiful. God sees that your heart is so great! Maybe they are afraid to hurt you by bringing it up. Today I got all my laundry prepared to do but I didn't quite do it but at least I separated it. I asked my friend to bring me beer and only brought 2 beers so I drank a little bit of Tequila. I don't overdo it to the point of falling or anything. I always drink water too to make sure I don't dehydrate myself. What I really want to try to do is I want to try and exercise. I was doing that before this. Twice a week. Maybe we should try to do something like exercise or make a memoir ir anything that makes us happy. I'm thinking of getting a journal like you said and I'm going to make promises to my cat to walk my dogs or to clean the house. As silly as that sounds. I danced with my oldest cat today and sang to him in a cheesy way. Tiny's children understand your sorrow. Some people try to run and hide from it. I think feeling it and surviving it will make us way stronger. I'm sure they are rooting us on. Everything in life is a test so I've heard. You do not sound crazy you have a beautiful soul and you're trying to mend the pieces. Maybe ask your husband for a candle lit back rub for you and Tiny's sons! Haha. If I were married that's something I'd do. I find it sort of funny. Tell him you need a back rub. I feel dead too but it won't last forever don't worry because I know you'll get that sign and I know 100 percent that he is in Heaven and with you. Don't ever doubt it. Be strong for him!! I feel very empty but they are our soul mates. That means nothing can ever destroy the bond. If you need anything I'm here and I'm sure everyone else is, too. I hope you'll all be here too. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eternalsoul Posted March 1, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2022 @magicmiriam Years ago I watched this when I decided to let my elderly cat die at home. It really helped. I know the process is over but I remember this woman mentioning something significant about the afterlife. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mandy25 Posted March 1, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2022 @magicmiriam Hawaii is so beautiful, but I still feel bad. I’m trying to do my best to act happy because I don’t want to ruin it for my husband who is a wonderful man even though he doesn’t understand my grief, guilt, and sadness. I have been drinking a lot of mai tais. That helps. Spoke to a couple friends which helped a bit although I don’t understand how they can say I didn’t do anything wrong. I know I did and so can not forgive myself even though it was not intentional and I thought at the time I was doing the right thing. If only they could put Mai tais in a pill form. (I do plan on quitting drinking too much when I get back). It was okay that you buried Tiny soon after. Once a live creature dies, that soul leaves it’s body. I had my dog cremated and I also worried if he was actually dead before they did it. It was very hard to think of his little body still dressed in his pajamas being taken away from me even though his soul was not in there anymore. It makes me cry thinking of it. In regards to your parents not saying anything; it doesn’t mean they aren’t empathetic but probably don’t know what to say. I’m sure they are hurting seeing how much you are hurting.@EternalsoulHope you get to Colorado soon. I used to live in Denver and it was so beautiful, but too cold for me as I’m a California girl. I have not received any sign from my dog yet. Exercise is a good thing. Before my guy died, I exercised 5-6 days per week. Now I’m having a hard time getting myself to go to the gym even though it feels better when I do. I’m going to try to do more when I get back from Hawaii. I don’t really want to go on, but I have to so I don’t ruin my husband’s life too. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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