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I want to dig up my baby out of his grave


magicmiriam

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hollysmom

@magicmiriam

People who say things like that have never experienced the bond and love you had for your baby. They can’t comprehend it. Even if you try to explain it to them, I don’t think they’d be able to understand. Before I met my Holly, I had tons of other dogs, but I never would have been able to understand the depth of feelings I could have for a dog. I never would have thought I’d feel  like I gave birth to her myself. It’s just beyond imagination unless you’ve experienced it personally. But I too feel so annoyed when people tell me similar things, such as “dogs live short lives so that we can get other dogs. Your dog died so you could get another to replace her,” and they can’t understand that even if I love another dog it will never come close to what I had with Holly because she was one of a kind, the one I wanted for my lifetime. Loving so much sure is painful. 

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@magicmiriamYou should not hate yourself for not recognizing signs of Tiny’s neurological disorder. Really, how would you know that freezing in one place is a sign.  It took us three years to find out Petey’s episodes of crazy aggressive behavior were actually behavioral seizures. Our vet spotted it as such and sent us to a neurologist who did an MRI and found the hydrocephalus. The only treatment he recommended was phenobarbital and I wonder after doing some reading lately if there wasn’t more we could have done.  I just took the Dr’s word.  The medicine helped a lot, although he still struggled with it his whole life, except for a year before he died, something happened, and all the aggressive behavior went away.  (At the end though he did start circling, pacing, and twitching and forgetting he was supposed to poop outside.  The vet thought it was due to the cancer spreading and not the hydrocephalus. It was just so heartbreaking seeing him this way.) Between the seizures, he was such a good boy.  I miss you so much, Petey. 

I know that people say things thinking those are things that will make you feel better, like “he was old” or “he was sick” or that “I’m surprised he lasted that long”.  They don’t realize that saying these things are not helpful. They wouldn’t say that about a baby or if a parent or a grandparent died (at least I hope they wouldn’t). I think the best thing to say is something like “I am so sorry” and “I am here for you when you need me” and just listen. 
 

I also feel your heart and your pain and I understand. 

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@foreverhis This sugar thing is harder than cutting down on alcohol. I think I do need it right now and will cut down in my own time. I do agree that it’s ok to indulge in things a bit if it helps to cope with all these awful feelings. I also am so glad I found this forum. Honestly, this forum and Jack are helping me more than my therapist.  I’m glad I didn’t come across as judgmental. I certainly would never judge anyone on this forum. I am certainly in no place to judge anyone. 
@KayCI’m sorry your kids weren’t there for you on Mother’s Day. They should realize what a wonderful mother they have.  It was kind of a sad day for me as my mother is gone and I am still grieving her death.  I still don’t understand why anyone has to die. Just doesn’t seem fair.  @Eternalsoul Thank you for the Mother’s Day wishes.  My husband also told me “Happy Mother’s Day” as I am now Jack’s mom (in addition to being Petey’s).  I smiled when I read that you wished your cat “Happy Meowther’s Day”. 

 

 

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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam

I am so very grateful to have found this site. If I hadn't I sadly would have become worse off. It's not like me to go to sites for help. I think that a sign you might be missing is that Tiny and God led you here. That's my opinion. The synchronicity of me, you and Mandy and everyone else and being led to the fairy Godmother's kayc and foreverhis.

The people don't understand but on here it seems everyone does. I know we all grieve differently. I've been taking it too far. I make up excuses last minute so I can't hang out with people. People are fed up with me and no longer ask to hang out and I'm fine with it. 

I talk to my other pets and then question my sanity. I laugh thinking about it. I know they understand me but they're just nonchalant I guess. 

Yesterday I was so incredibly empty and I was thinking to myself how I was going to face this forever. I miss her so much and the others but her physical departure from her body killed me. I'm just a soul walking along. Everything I do I think of her. 

So, I was really sad and my other dog came and nudged me and told me "to snap out of it... you got us".... I smiled. I've also been getting sharp horrible pains in my head and I prayed that it's nothing serious because I can't leave these ones behind. If I didn't have them then I would be ready. I'm not though. As much as I miss her I can't leave these ones. Life passes so quickly. Also, I think the reason God gives us this life is sort of a gift and to test our Faith. Although life can be incredibly painful when we lose someone we love in the physical body we have to remember it's all a gift. When he takes them away it's not forever OK. 

I know she's in a better place. They all are. We are just left to suffer it seems... without them. Yes, we love the other ones but its not the same and never will be without them. The family isnt complete. But they aren't gone. They aren't!!! 

I tell myself now I have to learn to live with her being unseen to the human eye. Now I have to see her with my heart and with my soul.... sort of similar to how a newly blind person would learn to read and sense. 

I tell myself that I need to believe in the IMPOSSIBLE like I did when I was a little girl. Through God NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Sure I get so sad that I just cry and apologize to her and the others over and over. 

I ate ice cream all day. I've gotten to the point where I don't even cook and if I do it's a hassle. I used to love eating now it's a chore. I grabbed a piece of bread and ate that. 

I haven't drank in a week but I wish I was now to help this pain in my head. 

I can relate to you on that... you had it all figured out. I get angry, too. 

The plans I had just seem so empty now. 

There was a certain smell when she was here when she left her body and went to Heaven... I keep smelling it. 

How are Milo and Brownie doing? I bet you they could see Tiny's soul. 

I think that no matter what Tiny is at the Rainbow Bridge. I think that they can interact with us from there or watch over us. 

Your sadness won't prevent him but yes you need to protect his kids or I'd imagine he'd be a bit upset. He is relying on you for that. 

I don't even bother talking to anyone anymore about my baby unless it's on here. I've actually gotten to the point where I'm like Jim Carrey in the movie 23 and I'm adding numbers because I think everything is a sign. I'm overly optimistic and believe everything is a sign. 

I then add the numbers and browse the Bible according to those numbers. 

I'm so thankful for all of you. I too am a walking zombie. 

 

 

 

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Eternalsoul
On 4/16/2022 at 10:37 PM, foreverhis said:

It happens to all of us at times.  Sometimes I go through days or even a week where I feel like I'm back at the beginning and I miss my husband so much I can barely breathe.  I kind of hate to use this word, but it's pretty "normal" for us to be exhausted physically as well as emotionally.  But I promise that time and the comfort of people who care really does help.  We carry our grief always.  There's no way around it, but it also means that we were blessed to have found deep love.  IMO, there's really little difference between grieving for a person or a fur baby.  Love is, it simply is.  It needs no justification or categories.

You can be certain that prayers are being sent your way every day.  Don't worry about how often you post or even how often you check in.  I have many days when all I'm up to is a quick check in on members I know are struggling.  I might read some posts, but simply don't have the energy to respond.  The important thing is that we know we can come here any time and find solace and comfort.

I can't believe I didn't see this. I'm just not eating properly and I'm tired. All I do is sleep and the things required to live. 

You guys are the only ones I have to talk to. Sure I talk to my boyfriend but he us not a talker and I'm telling you he's the most non talkative person I've ever met unless he drinks coffee. 

So, talking to him sometimes can be like talking to a wall. I find that talking to anyone outside of here is sort of pointless when it comes to this topic.

I feel like each day I'm waiting for her. Hard to explain. I'm not close to many humans the way I am with them. I'm just a weirdo I guess. 

I pray for you, too. I'm so happy I found you all. Thank you for understanding. Sometimes I have no energy and just sit in silence. 

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Eternalsoul

@Mandy25

Thank you for the sweet words. You're very caring and a great soul and person, as well.  When I saw Jack's smile I laughed with joy because of his smile. He's clearly a blessing from Petey. 

A miracle. 

I'm glad that he's learning more and that you're working on separation anxiety. If you have any tips PLEASE share. You wouldn't believe it but one night last year I went to a concert and my dog was barking the whole time on camera so I just left the show because I was worried about him... little brat. That's something I need to work on with them, too. I feel bad. I always rush to do what I need to do so they aren't stressed. I think tiring them out on a day when you're gone for long probably helps. Sometimes I give them cbd oil before I leave because they act like I'm leaving forever. 

I really want to start working out again. I used to take so much pride in myself and now I look like I crawled out of the sewer. I'll try again tomorrow. My dogs actually get a walk everyday very early in the morning but I need to lift weights.

I'll do what you're doing and see if that eases the depression. I keep saying I'll see her again and that she's in a better place and that she visits and all.... but I think I still feel guilty. I probably always will because true love is that way. Nothing is ever good enough for them. I think of all the stupid things I did and didn't do. 

I'm wondering if I start working out if I'll be able to sense her more. If it will open my senses more......

Also, you mention all the light left his eyes and that it haunts you. I think that the reason the light left his eyes is because his soul became free. The eyes are the windows to the soul. So, his spirit was there with you still and still is. I'm sorry that he struggled. I don't think any "death" will be perfect so please don't feel bad. Just remember that the light left his eyes because his soul was free to be with you and in Heaven. 

The same thing happened with my little baby. Her eyes went dark because her life was no longer in the body. Her soul was free. 

They aren't gone. There is never an end just a new way. 

I'm craving alcohol now but I ate icecream all day for breakfast, lunch and dinner. So, that would be a weird mix. 

I'm glad you cut down and with going through all of this I think we eat unhealthy because we are trying to fill a void. 

I'd think a person was a cold hearted psycho if they were working out and eating salad one day after losing a loved one. 

It's just all a part of loving so deeply 

 

I'm so happy that Petey sent you Jack. 

 

 

 

 

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Eternalsoul

@KayC

I am glad to hear that your friend and you had a nice long convo. I am sorry that your daughter didn't call you. She's missing out. I didn't call my mom because you know the story....  Also, my mom never made a big deal or any deal for that matter for any holidays...... she was always just weird. Didn't even like animals.... complete opposite of me.

You are a fairy God mother to so many of us and I'm sure you have saved many lives. You and @foreverhis

You are so awesome to all of us and although I don't know you in person you have made such a positive impact on my life. You are so caring and you are funny. I've read many of your comments on other posts and I chuckle to myself with some of things you say. You have a great sense of humor. 

Ahhh, how rude of them not to do the dishes!!! Perhaps you can "forget" to bring them slices of cake when you bring everyone else some next time.  

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foreverhis
6 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

This sugar thing is harder than cutting down on alcohol. I think I do need it right now and will cut down in my own time. I do agree that it’s ok to indulge in things a bit if it helps to cope with all these awful feelings. I also am so glad I found this forum. Honestly, this forum and Jack are helping me more than my therapist.  I’m glad I didn’t come across as judgmental. I certainly would never judge anyone on this forum. I am certainly in no place to judge anyone. 

So...Today I had two times the chocolate I usually allow myself (dark with salted almonds) because, just because I was having a tough time.  Absolutely right that we do what we need to do to get out of bed and keep breathing every morning.

The forums here are such a blessing.  And you absolutely didn't come across as judgmental. That's one of the good things about being here.  We try and usually succeed to not judge.  We might state our concerns with the understanding that each of us is on a unique grief journey.  I'm so with you that I certainly have no business judging anyone about anything!

Jack is absolutely adorable.  What a fabulous smile!  Thank you for posting his picture.  I can see why he's helping you and lightening the heavy weight of grief you carry now.

2 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

You are so awesome to all of us and although I don't know you in person you have made such a positive impact on my life. You are so caring and you are funny. I've read many of your comments on other posts and I chuckle to myself with some of things you say. You have a great sense of humor. 

Thank you.  That's so sweet of you to say.  TBH, it took nearly 3 years before I started to find my sense of humor again.  It's a journey and an evolution, no question about it. 

One of the reasons I still come here nearly every day, whether I "need it" or not is because when I first joined I was helped so much by members further along the path.  Now that I have moved forward more, I want to try to be there for new members like people were there for me.

It truly is a "We're all in this together" place to be.

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Mandy, thank you for sharing your phone of Jack, he looks so happy, a precious photo to remember him with!

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

One of the reasons I still come here nearly every day, whether I "need it" or not is because when I first joined I was helped so much by members further along the path.  Now that I have moved forward more, I want to try to be there for new members like people were there for me.

This is exactly what I have said also, my purpose in life is helping others through grief and also helping people reverse their diabetes.  Not everyone wants help but for those who do and are reaching out for it.  A grief forum like this literally saved me when I lost my husband all those years ago.  Having learned so much from others on these sites over the years has given me tools I've had to employ when I lost my Arlie and then my sister Peggy.  I've lost 24 cats and dogs over the years but this was the hardest by far.  I love and miss Kitty and Miss Mocha too...

Yesterday Kodie and I took the rocks I'd painted for Arlie's grave and put them back on it now that they have a fresh coat of protective finish.  When the lady gave them back to me she asked if my grandchildren had painted them, ha!  So much for thinking they looked good. :D

13 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

t was kind of a sad day for me as my mother is gone and I am still grieving her death.

I'm sorry.  I guess if I grieve for mine it's more for what should have been and never was, I'm happy she's out of her mental illness and dementia now and finally at peace.  I didn't have a good mom.  I tried my level best with my own kids, we all learned to NOT do what our parents did and break the chain of abuse, and I'm proud that I did and raised two wonderful kids.

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magicmiriam
On 5/8/2022 at 10:59 PM, Eternalsoul said:

I live in America and today people celebrate mothers day. I spent the whole day alone and only told one of the cats I rescued years ago Happy Mother's Day or Happy Meowther's Day in her case.

It was mother's day here in Canada too, my sister had a catered brunch for my mom, i ate quickly and left. Some went sailing afterwards but i didn't join. I just kept thinking how i lost my baby and how i celebrated mother's day with Tiny last year, he obviously had no clue but i brought him treats and smothered him with kisses.

It's too bad you don't get along with your mom but if she makes you feel bad about yourself than keeping a buffer zone is wise. I get along with my mom but something inside me feels she gave Tiny the evil eye, it's more than intuition, i know it sounds crazy but i believe it.

On 5/9/2022 at 12:42 PM, hollysmom said:

Loving so much sure is painful. 

The more you loved the more it hurts. You loved her and she loved you. You saved her when everyone else gave up.

 

On 5/9/2022 at 6:38 PM, Mandy25 said:

The only treatment he recommended was phenobarbital and I wonder after doing some reading lately if there wasn’t more we could have done

It sounds all too familiar, Tiny had so much pain from his syringomyelia (neurological disease) and until they figured it out he suffered and i wanted to die. They gave him prednisone (that's what killed him i believe). The prednisone added extra weight which put stress on his heart and the he got a stroke. We didn't know it was a stroke at the time, his eyes moved side to side, he stayed low to the ground and started circling around. Then the nocturnal seizures began, about 50 a day, anytime he would take a nap or sleep he would have seizures that were so scary, he would stop breathing, stiffen up and wake up so confused, he was afraid to nap. I feel sick just writing about it. So seizures weaken the heart and he already had heart issues, There is something called an epileptic heart. Even in people, seizures cause cardiac arrest.

I've been obsessed with Tiny's medical file since he passed, i know i can't bring him back but i need to know if i missed something, i spend hours every day almost like a defense team getting ready for court, no stone unturned.

My husband returns tomorrow, i can't believe it's been 6 weeks, i'm excited to see him but really also enjoy my solitude. I only had to pretend to be ok when i met up with family and friends but then i can run home to grieve. Now when he's back i'll have to pretend most of the day, it will be exhausting i'm sure. The dogs will be so happy to see him. They lost Tiny their dad and then my husband went away, they became confused and super clingy. They are afraid i will leave too.

I used to have a Boxer that had severe separation anxiety and i took him to trainers and the vet and tried everything, then a friend told me not to get excited when i get home and great him, it actually worked.

By the way, Jack looks like such a happy and sweet dog, i\m so happy for you.

Don't feel bad about the sugar thing, we all need some gratification. Pizza and ice cream are my comfort foods and i don't feel guilty having them.,,,,,, No one gets out of here alive!

On 5/9/2022 at 8:11 PM, Eternalsoul said:

I think that no matter what Tiny is at the Rainbow Bridge. I think that they can interact with us from there or watch over us

Sometimes i feel his watching me and i tell him i miss him, i also tell him to go have fun. I hope he's ok, i miss him so much it's crazy. Milo and Brownie miss him too.

You know it's weird, Milo has had diarrhea since the day after Tiny passed away up until now. I haven't changed his food or anything. So I took him to the vet and he said he probably has colitis and he needs to run tests (here we go again, i said i will think about it) i told him i thought it is a big coincidence that it began the day after his dad passed away, the food is the same as always. I wonder if stress or sadness can cause colitis, Brownie has no issues and  eats the same. There is no cure for colitis anyway so why run tests.

Not sure how i got on that subject, sorry.

On 5/9/2022 at 8:11 PM, Eternalsoul said:

I'm so thankful for all of you. I too am a walking zombie. 

I relate, my body feels foreign to me, i don't know who i've become. I remember who i was and can act like the old me for people's sake and so they won't ask questions but i know i'm someone else. I'm Tiny's mom in mourning.

 

On 5/10/2022 at 1:33 AM, foreverhis said:

So...Today I had two times the chocolate I usually allow myself

We need some joy, it's only chocolate, enjoy it :)

 

17 hours ago, KayC said:

Not everyone wants help but for those who do and are reaching out for it. 

You help all of us, thank you

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12 hours ago, magicmiriam said:

it's more than intuition

I've learned to trust my intuition.

Sometimes I need chocolate.  It may be small but it helps us feel better..
One explanation is to be found in the particular constituents of cacao, the main ingredient of chocolate, which are said to have a mood-enhancing effect. One of them is tryptophan. The body uses it to produce the mood-elevating substance of serotonin – also known as the happiness hormone.

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@magicmiriam Poor Tiny. I’m so sorry he had to go through that.  (Also, sorry you had to go through it with him). He was so lucky to have such a wonderful mom to take care of him.  When Petey had the thrombocytopenia at age 13, he was given prednisone and  Atopica (cyclosporine).  He eventually went into remission and I was able to stop the drugs, but I believe they took a major toll on him.  His body permanently changed; a pot belly and loss of muscle in his hinds.  Then he developed 3rd stage kidney failure (which improved), gall bladder disease (mucocele), chronic pancreatitis, and then bladder cancer. This on top of his seizures and a heart murmur.  (he was doing pretty well before that).  I know he wouldn’t have survived without those drugs, but it was heartbreaking how his body just broke down after that.  I just don’t understand sickness, death, and sadness. 
I’m glad your husband has come home. I know what you mean when you have to pretend everything is ok.  I do the same thing. Hopefully, Milo and Brownie will perk up now that he’s home.  I’m sure that they are in deep mourning over Tiny’s loss too. We are doing what the behaviorist told us to do about Jack’s separation anxiety; like you said, not make a big deal when leaving and coming home and also throughout the day act like we are leaving but not actually leaving.  He is getting better with the whining, but still waits by the door the whole time we are gone. Poor Jack just had a dental done and had 1 tooth pulled yesterday. He is still not back to his old self yet. I imagine his mouth hurts even with the pain killers. 
I do worry a little about the sugar thing as I can eat over 1/2 pound of chocolate at a sitting (I did yesterday). Probably should cut down but it is just so good. @KayCI knew there was a reason I love chocolate so much!  It does help my mood(except when I eat so much I feel sick).  I am not a woman of moderation unfortunately. How are you doing with all the things involved with your sister’s death? How are you doing with your grief? I also appreciate how both you and Foreverhis are there for all of us.  Thank you. I appreciate everyone on this forum. It just seems the people around me just don’t understand and the people here do. 

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11 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

How are you doing with all the things involved with your sister’s death? How are you doing with your grief?

Alas the execution is at a standstill while we wait, the laws are insane!  I haven't heard if everyone's signatures are back in yet but there's a four month wait afterwards before anything can be done.  I can't worry about what I can't change.  The laws cripple us.

My grief is another matter.  The shock has worn off, it lasted a good month, but I still find myself missing her so much, it left a gaping hole in my heart and life.  You know how it is, just that hole in one's heart...

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magicmiriam
14 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

His body permanently changed; a pot belly and loss of muscle in his hinds.

That's exactly what happened to Tiny. He had floating kneecaps so the muscle loss made it even worse, he had a lot of trouble walking very far plus he couldn't jump up on the couch and bed anymore. I bought stairs for every piece of furniture so he can go up by himself. On one hand he needed the prednisone for his neurological problems and on the other hand the prednisone had so many side effects that in the end killed him. No matter what i did i couldn't win, i just wanted his pain to stop. He was a full time job (which i loved) My husband always said a full time job is 8 hours Miriam, Tiny is 24 hours. 

Petey and Tiny had a lot of the same symptoms. Something would come up, i would take care of it and boom something else started. Still he was strong willed and always came out of it. In the end the seizures weakened his heart and he already had heart problems. I know now that without the seizures, even with a heart murmur he could have lived longer.

Jack will get better, he's adjusting and it sounds like he wants you with him all day, he loves you.

The sugar thing i so relate to, chocolate especially, i also love cheese cake . We need some comfort, just need it in moderation but not to quit completely. At least you exercise so you balance it off. @KayC made me feel less guilty now that she explained chocolate to us.

So my husband came back, it's nice, i'm happy, the dogs were super excited. A little part of me misses my solitude. 

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21 hours ago, magicmiriam said:

@KayC made me feel less guilty now that she explained chocolate to us.

:wub: I love chocolate!  I've learned to make naturally sweetened chocolate things, like this, I can pop one in my mouth from the freezer, small, helps curb that craving!
 

KETO CHOCOLATE FUDGE BROWNIE FAT BOMBS
INGREDIENTS

·         1/2 c almond flour

·         1/4 c cocoa powder

·         1/4 c sweetener, like Swerve (I like Stevia/Erythritol blend or Monk Fruit)

·         1/4 cup coconut oil or butter. room temperature

·         1/4 tsp vanilla

·         pinch salt

INSTRUCTIONS

1.   In a mixing bowl, stir the butter and sweetener together until smooth. Add the rest of the ingredients and stir until well combined.

2.   Using a cookie scoop, portion into 2 Tbsp size balls.

3.   Chill well, and store refrigerated.

12 servings 1 net carb
https://greenandketo.com/keto-chocolate-fudge-brownie-fat-bombs

image.png.799746a3f757e585d9d3940638548c81.png

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@EternalsoulJack is definitely a blessing from Petey.  He has been doing better with the separation anxiety.  We are doing what the behaviorist recommended; we are not making a big deal when leaving and coming back, we have been doing all the things leading up to us leaving and then not leaving, and we are going out and then coming right back several times a day. I also purchased a calming supplement which I am going to start as soon as he is done with his antibiotics (had a tooth pulled). Hopefully it helps. Don’t be so hard on yourself about the exercise. It is an escape for me. When I’m concentrating on lifting or breathing while I’m running, it doesn’t leave much room for depressing thoughts. You are walking and that is great exercise. I walk Jack too, but he is still scared of noises and people so we don’t go that far each time. We do a few short walks per day. The exercise and the sugar are my drugs right now, although I haven’t had any sugar the last two days because I ran out (going to the store tomorrow). I think I’m going into withdrawals 😱(just kidding). This is just so hard. I miss Petey so much. 

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@KayCI am so sorry about how long it is taking regarding your sister’s estate.  I agree that it’s best not to worry about it as there is nothing you can do about all the laws that slow things down. I think, though,  that it helps the grieving process to have everything finalized. When my Mom died, since my father had already passed, my older brother took care of everything as he lived in the same town. It was such a relief as I don’t think I could have done it.  I was so devastated when she died; it was so sudden and unexpected. Yes, I do know the giant hole in the heart.  Each death, my Mom, Dad, Petey, my other pets, each take a piece of it. 

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@magicmiriamPetey was doing pretty well even with the behavioral seizures and the heart murmur before the thrombocytopenia.  We were managing the seizures and monitoring the heart and everything was stable. Then after the thrombocytopenia, everything fell apart, but he was tough and although he had a couple mild episodes when his chronic pancreatitis flared up, he was doing okay. Even when the tumor in his bladder was discovered, he was still doing pretty well for so many months. Just like you, I thought he would maintain and not die. He was a trooper, my super hero, and super hero’s do not die.  He was deteriorating, but I just wouldn’t let myself see it. I wish that I hadn’t been so blind, as I would have made changes in his care the last couple months.  Again, I think Tiny was so lucky to have you as his Mom.  
I know Jack will get better. He has already made so much progress in just the couple months I’ve had him. I just want him to be happy and it breaks my heart to see him so anxious about various things. 
I also like cheesecake. When I was a child my mom used to bake a lot of sweets and I was very overweight.  I’m not overweight anymore, but if I didn’t exercise, I probably would be.  That is another reason I exercise, I just like eating too much. 
I’m glad your husband is back and that you and your pups are happy he his home.  Try to carve out a little alone time for yourself when you need it. 

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Eternalsoul

Hi everyone. I hope you are doing okay. As usual, I'm a hermit in my own little world. The eclipse last night really made me extra emotional for my little angel. I miss her a lot today. 

Anyway, I will respond to you all but for now I want to share these with you to let you know I'm wishing you all well and praying for you all and your loved ones. 

 

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22 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

I think I’m going into withdrawals 😱(just kidding).

You may be joking but it IS a real thing, sugar addiction.  I have an article that even the sight of food can raise your blood sugar!  And I have articles on sugar cravings & addiction.  (Part of my study of diabetes.)
I love these Mug Cakes, makes 1, so quick and easy!
 

Keto Mug Cake-18 flavors

Ingredients

Instructions

1.   Grease a microwave-safe bowl or mug.

2.   In a small bowl, add the dry ingredients and mix well. Add the wet ingredients and whisk together until a smooth batter remains. Fold through the chocolate chips.

3.   Transfer the batter into the greased mug and microwave for one minute.

4.   Remove the mug cake from the microwave and enjoy immediately.

Notes

To make this mug cake in the oven, prepare the cake as instructed. When ready to bake, transfer the batter into a greased ramekin and bake at 180C/350F for 8-10 minutes.

 

Nutrition

Serving: 1mug cake | Calories: 194kcal | Carbohydrates: 6g | Protein: 9g | Fat: 18g | Sodium: 299mg | Potassium: 169mg | Fiber: 4g | Vitamin A: 644IU | Calcium: 113mg | Iron: 2mg | NET CARBS: 2g

https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-1-minute-low-carb-keto-mug-cakes-paleo-vegan-sugar-free/#recipe

1.    https://thebigmansworld.com/100-calorie-chocolate-mug-cake/

2.    https://thebigmansworld.com/1-minute-keto-low-carb-chocolate-mug-cake-paleo-vegan/

3.    https://thebigmansworld.com/1-minute-keto-low-carb-chocolate-mug-cake-paleo-vegan/

4.    https://thebigmansworld.com/3-ingredient-1-minute-chocolate-cake/

5.    https://thebigmansworld.com/almond-flour-chocolate-mug-cake/

6.    https://thebigmansworld.com/almond-flour-chocolate-mug-cake/

7.    https://thebigmansworld.com/cinnamon-roll-for-one/

8.    https://thebigmansworld.com/cinnamon-roll-mug-cake/

9.    https://thebigmansworld.com/cinnamon-roll-mug-cake/

10.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-1-minute-banana-bread/

11.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-1-minute-black-forest-cake/

12.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-1-minute-classic-coffee-cake/

13.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-1-minute-iced-gingerbread-mug-cake/

14.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-1-minute-lemon-poppyseed-muffin/

15.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-1-minute-low-carb-brownie/

16.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-1-minute-low-carb-cinnamon-roll-mug-cake/

17.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-1-minute-low-carb-hot-chocolate-mug-cake/

18.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-1-minute-low-carb-vanilla-mug-cake/

19.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-1-minute-low-carb-vanilla-mug-cake/

20.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-1-minute-pumpkin-mug-cake/

21.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-1-minute-vanilla-cake/

22.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-flourless-carrot-breakfast-cake/

23.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-keto-chocolate-raspberry-mug-cake/

24.  https://thebigmansworld.com/healthy-paleo-lemon-blueberry-muffins-vegan-gluten-free-flourless/

25.  https://thebigmansworld.com/keto-blueberry-mug-cake/

26.  https://thebigmansworld.com/keto-coffee-cake/

27.  https://thebigmansworld.com/keto-lava-cake/

28.  https://thebigmansworld.com/keto-peanut-butter-mug-cake/

 

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I love the poems you guys post!  My sister gave me a framed one when my husband died, I still have it up on the wall...
image.jpeg.1729d7935f5277c8d59357216774722f.jpeg

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On 5/16/2022 at 9:29 AM, Mandy25 said:

He was a trooper, my super hero, and super hero’s do not die.

I said the same thing but i was wrong. Tiny didn't complain so i always thought he was a fighter but today i realize he was as fragile as a crystal glass. 

I've wanted to write here all week but since my husband came back i haven't had a minute to breathe. I forgot how much work goes into a marriage. I had 6 weeks of just me and the dogs and i miss it. I'm happy my husband is back but i spend most of my time pretending everything is ok and it really isn't.

I have scars that won't heal. I can't believe people can't see my eyes have died.

Even though i'm busier now i'm in more pain, so weird. I don't feel like doing things but i'm married, i'm with someone who wants to live and experience life. He talks about traveling and friends and god knows what and all i want to do is scream. I almost feel like my husband is betraying Tiny by being happy again. I don't cry anymore unless i'm alone. 

I'm happy i have Milo and Brownie, they are still missing their father like me. I'm with them a lot, we need each other.

I'm glad Jack is getting better and that you found him. You were the best mom to Petey and Jack will know it too one day,  if he doesn't already know it.

@Eternalsoul I so understand you being a hermit. I'm like that too if given the chance, I don't know if i'm getting better or just learning to live a different routine.

They say everyone grieves differently and time is individual. I realized this grief will be with me forever, i will never stop yearning for Tiny and i will never stop thinking what if. I close my eyes and picture him every chance i get, it's hell.

Today i just "Exist". Not sure if that makes sense.

I hope you are better, whatever better is, i have no clue. What is better? Can you be better when there is a hole in your heart.

I miss you guys and think about you daily. I should come on here once a day to check in even if it's just one word so we all know the others are ok..

Hugs

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18 hours ago, magicmiriam said:

I can't believe people can't see my eyes have died.

People see what they want to see.  Only those close enough to care how we feel will really see, for me that was my sister and now she's gone.  

18 hours ago, magicmiriam said:

I'm happy i have Milo and Brownie, they are still missing their father like me. I'm with them a lot, we need each other.

You know they understand, you can relate to each other, they get it as they feel as you do.  I'm glad you have them.

I had quite a scare...about three days ago I caught Kodie chewing up his favorite crackle toy.  I threw it away as the contents can cause a blockage! The next morning he pooped out a LONG strand of something I suspect was from that...it scared me.  The following morning he pooped a wee bit more of it.  Yesterday, nothing.  I thought, uh-oh as he ALWAYS poops in the morning!  I walked him before my meeting, then when meeting was canceled, I took him to the park and walked him another hour.  All these good places to go, he passed up all of them.  (He likes to back up into bushes/discreet places)  I walked him again after we got home.  Nada.  Last night I took him on another walk (3 1/2 hours of walking in one day!) and finally on our way back home he pooped.  No foreign substance.  I was beyond elated!  (It takes so little to make some people happy!)  I was so relieved, it was better than Christmas!  I'd envisioned blockage surgery, my baby in danger!

So forgive me the content of my post, but I'm sure all pet lovers can relate.

18 hours ago, magicmiriam said:

I realized this grief will be with me forever

Yes, it has a starting point but no ending one until the day we die and can be with them again.  Then all of the sadness will be gone in an instant and all that will matter is being with them again.

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On 5/25/2022 at 10:54 AM, magicmiriam said:

have scars that won't heal.

I feel the same. The pain is like a big open sore.  

 

On 5/25/2022 at 10:54 AM, magicmiriam said:

I don't cry anymore unless i'm alone.

I only cry when I’m alone too (Jack is there though). I am also busy like you, but life just doesn’t seem the same. There is always a dark cloud hanging over me. Jack is my joy right now. He has become very attached to me.  I felt so bad that when we visited his foster mom, he growled at her when she tried to touch him.  I really think it hurt her feelings.  We are really working on his socialization but he isn’t fond of other people except my husband and me.  I’m so glad you have Milo and Brownie and that you are taking care of each other. 
I like the idea of checking in, if not every day, at least periodically. I know this is a process that does not end until we die and join them. I think and worry about you guys everyday. 

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

So forgive me the content of my post, but I'm sure all pet lovers can relate.

I so relate to this.  I never thought I would be so preoccupied with poop until I got a dog. I’m so glad Kodie is alright. I too had a recent scare with Jack. I didn’t see him eat anything harmful, but he didn’t poop all day so I was worried as he usually goes 3-4 times per day.   I know that “Christmas” feeling you describe.  I felt the same way when he finally did go. I always have to get the “poop report” from my husband when he takes Jack out.  I also monitor his pee due to Petey having bloody pee with the thrombocytopenia (it was the only clue and he would have died then if I hadn’t caught it and brought him to the vet immediately). It also was bloody with the cancer.  I wonder if Jack thinks it’s strange that I bend down to watch what is coming out of there. 

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3 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

Jack is my joy right now.

I know what you mean. Milo and Brownie are my joy too. Well on a scale of 1 to 10 i'm at a 5 with them. if i didn't have them i would be at 1 but with Tiny, even when he was ill i was at a 10+++

 

3 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

but he isn’t fond of other people except my husband and me.

Brownie is the same way, he was born that way, it's his personality. He barks at anyone and anything, he tries to catch squirrels, cats, bird, anything that moves. If anyone comes over he will not let them feel comfortable, he'll bark and bark, you can't stop him. Even outside if anyone tries to pet him he barks. Milo is the opposite and they grew up together, it's temperament. I just accept that's who he is. It's funny often times.

 

9 hours ago, KayC said:

Only those close enough to care how we feel will really see, for me that was my sister and now she's gone.  

Even the people closest to me think i'm better and they don't see. I'm so sorry about the pain from your sisters passing, i know how close you were. 

 

9 hours ago, KayC said:

(3 1/2 hours of walking in one day!)

Wow , that's a lot of walking, amazing, i should walk more too, they need it since it's winter for many months here and they hardly go out, now is the time. I may go horse back riding again, the sound of the horses running calms me down.

 

On 5/16/2022 at 4:45 PM, Eternalsoul said:

As usual, I'm a hermit in my own little world

Thinking of you

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I only walked that much because I was worried about Kodie not pooping!  He was pretty tired that night. :D  Their stools tell us so much about their health!  Arlie had acute chronic Colitis all his life so I always kept an eye on his stools, I've learned to carry that over with Kodie and am hypervigilant if there's a change.

He hasn't been eating much of his dog food lately because he's missing his friend Jazzy, this is day 12 of her being gone to Montana (they had her fixed day 2), they should be back soon, he will be elated!  Of course he doesn't pass up treats!  He's still enjoying the treats you sent, Miriam!  Thank you again and again!  

13 hours ago, magicmiriam said:

I may go horse back riding again, the sound of the horses running calms me down.

Do you have horses?  We used to have one when my kids were young, my husband used him packing into the wilderness for his elk hunting trips.  He was a wild horse he trained. I still remember my son's first time sitting on Bucky...he was about four and the horse barely shifted his weight and Paul cried out, "He's a bucking!  He's a bucking!"  It was so funny because he hardly moved!

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Eternalsoul

@Mandy25

That's a really great idea to not make a big deal when leaving. I will try to follow that. I go to the extreme of not putting my shoes on until I step out the door because sometimes they panick.

I am sort of OCD and I have to make sure everything is perfect for them before I leave. Lately I've been weird and I give them extra food and water just in case I don't make it back in time. I'm being overly cautious, which is weird I know. 

I understand how you feel not entirely but I know. The sweets and junk food are comforting in a way. I miss her a lot, too. Sometimes I forget and I'll wonder where she is at but then I remember. It's a weird trick my mind plays on me. 

I'm glad that you got Jack the dental care that he needs. He has such a great smile. I'm so happy for you, him and your husband.  What a blessing from Petey!

I am sure Petey is so happy for you both. Other than Jack have you received any more signs?

I look for them everyday.

I'm weird and any sort of out of the ordinary animal that appears I think it's a sign. 

In fact, I know it is because the bond is eternal. It's just sort of beyond our comprehension I guess. 

I hope you, Jack and your husband are doing well. 

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@magicmiriam

I apologize to you and everyone that I come and go. I don't have the energy that I did when she was here in physical form. I had dreams, hopes and plans. I mean I'll still try but it will always haunt me that she isn't physically here. I always hoped I'd see her make it longer. Nothing is ever promised.

I'm getting used to interacting with her through the unseen realm. I sound nuts I know. I'm sure everyone here can understand though. 

It just haunts me sometimes that my own dog got her. This dog is so kind and I still don't talk to my mom or sister because of this. I truly believe their evil and hateful energy caused my dog to be upset. She survived 7 weeks. I tell myself to be thankful for that. It wasn't a bloody attack or anything but my dog put her weight on her..... this was after my mom walked out yelling and I followed after her. I tried hard to save her but I know I didn't do enough. I went wrong somewhere. She forgives me and my dog I know it but the hard part is forgiving myself. I'm an idiot. 

I understand in a way what you mean about the evil eye. My mom didn't like her because of her sneezing issue and I too feel the same..... but I've never been close to my mom. She's always been mean to me. Her and my sister so that's why I just live the hermit life. It's enjoyable. I did research and found out they are narcissists. I'm empathetic and sensitive so I was a perfect target. 

Even if your mom did inadvertently give him the evil eye I hope you know that God is more powerful than any evil eye. Any ill wishes placed on us can be turned into good. This sounds odd but Tiny lives on and although he isn't in his physical form he's still alive. Your mom probably just wanted you to visit more often and to do this or that. God is more powerful and the sad thing is we can't control when someone is due for Heaven. 

I hope nobody takes offense to me speaking about God. I know people have their beliefs and I respect every belief but this is mine and I don't want anyone to lose Faith or hope. I know your brother said there's no afterlife but there is. Tiny will wait for you. 

I tell myself I can't dwell on what I did and didn't do anymore and I try to accept the way it all occurred because if I don't than I'll be doubting God's plan. I still torture myself over it though. I do know that all of them are in Heaven. I still pray for Tiny, Petey, Arlie ( the others) and their husband's and family.

 I wonder if they've met... 

I do the things that I need to do to survive and to keep my family ( pets) alive but I don't seem to have that childlike spirit I once had. I feel like I've aged 500 years. If that makes sense. Sort of like I've been a vampire for years and nothing can truly satisfy me anymore. I've become Lestat from Interview With a Vampire. I get angry and disgusted with the people in my life. I miss her. I miss all of them. She's not the first to go but it is the hardest one so far. But they all visit me. 

 I often think to myself that if God were to have given me a choice I would have chosen my animals over any person and we'd all live in an isolated cabin in the meadow. Like Maleficent. Then everything would have been perfect in this life. Life isn't perfect and we go through these trials to be tested I believe. Will we turn to evil after heartache? Or will we keep the Faith....  

I've accepted that this is what my life will be like unless God decides to take me sooner. I will watch all of my pets go before me. I've chosen the life of a vampire... I laugh when I write that but it's true in a way. I will be brave. I ask that God please let me take care of them all because I don't want them to end up in the pound or anything like that. 

I know I've asked you before if you've received any signs and you said no but are you sure you're not bypassing anything???? In our anger and grief we might not see it. 

Milo and Brownie are so lucky to have you. I truly think they are the only ones who can see our pain even when we smile. You mentioned to mandy25 that marriage is a full time job... that reminds me that I'd be a horrible wife because I'm the type of person who would request to have their own bedroom separate from their husband... but then all my pets would be allowed in and I'd put a do not disturb sign on the door so my husband wouldn't bother me while me and my pets watch Netflix. 

The only things that truly make me happy or joyful are my pets... God... nature... music too... you guys really do uplift my spirits, too . I am very thankful for you all. You all are a blessing @magicmiriam @KayC @Mandy25 @foreverhis and anyone else I've spoken to. 

I feel bad that I just isolated myself so much. I do think we should check in on each other. Maybe the code word will be Hakuna Matata to let everyone know we are ok... or whatever you choose. 

I wish you all well and I pray for your babies all the time. 

 

 

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Eternalsoul

https://youtu.be/kmmPFrkuPq0

 

"Your Wildest Dreams"

 

Once upon a time

Once when you were mine

I remember skies

Reflected in your eyes

I wonder where you are

I wonder if you

Think about me

Once upon a time

In your wildest dreams

 

Once the world was new

Our bodies felt the morning dew

That greets the brand new day

We couldn't tear ourselves away

I wonder if you care

I wonder if you still remember

Once upon a time

In your wildest dreams

 

And when the music plays

And when the words are

Touched with sorrow

When the music plays

I hear the sound

I had to follow

Once upon a time

Once beneath the stars

The universe was ours

Love was all we knew

And all I knew was you

I wonder if you know

I wonder if you think about it

Once upon a time

In your wildest dreams

 

And when the music plays

And when the words are

Touched with sorrow

When the music plays

And when the music plays

I hear the sound

I had to follow

Once upon a time

 

Once upon a time

Once when you were mine

I remember skies

Mirrored in your eyes

I wonder where you are

I wonder if you

Think about me

Once upon a time

In your wildest dreams

In your wildest dreams

In your wildest dreams

 

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Eternalsoul

@KayC

I read your comment about your sister being the one who always understood you when basically others couldn't.  You've been through a lot and from what you've written you've lost many from their physical bodies but I love how you never lose Faith. You are so strong. You help others to be strong, as well. 

Kodie is very lucky to have you. Before I came to this site I had lost app Faith in humanity. I stupidly thought I was the only one who loved animals as much as I do. I thought this way because my mom and sister told me I was stupid for doing so. 

It wasn't until I came here that I realized beautiful souls exist. You are one of them. 

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@foreverhis

You are right. We are all in this together even though we have separate paths. I try to help others when I sign on but then sometimes it just gets so sad. The stories and the circumstances. It is a heroic thing what you and others do to sign on everyday to help those in need. I know you helped me a lot. It's truly a gift and blessing to have people like you to talk to. 

You mentioned you drink cocktails or drinks occasionaly. What is/are your favorite drink(s)?????? 

I mainly only drink Stella Artois. I do like certain brands of Tequila but I try not to mix my drinks because I end up crying infront of people or telling off the wall stories about my inner emotions. 

 

 

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17 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

I sound nuts I know.

If you are nuts, then I surely am.  I'm the only one I know that leave his water bowl clean and filled 2 1/2 years later.  He has a new blanket in his dog house, one that doesn't smell like cancer.  How nuts is that!  His coat still hanging on my chair, his leash hanging by the door.  It's not like I expect him to suddenly appear but...I don't know, I think I want him to know this is still his home.  Even though he has an eternal home now...if that makes any sense.

17 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

God is more powerful than any evil eye.

Absolutely!  For those of us who belong to Him (as all dogs do) He goes through everything with us.

17 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

I'm the type of person who would request to have their own bedroom separate from their husband... but then all my pets would be allowed in and I'd put a do not disturb sign on the door so my husband wouldn't bother me while me and my pets watch Netflix. 

:D  The sign of one whose lived alone too long...that's me!  17 years since my husband's been gone (come Father's Day) I can't imagine living with someone now, although I'd gladly have him with me, if only...we just went together.

 

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@magicmiriam I know what you mean, I also am at about a 5 right now and would be a 1 without Jack.  When Jack barks at people they mostly laugh; this small cute dog acting like he is ferocious.  I’m trying to break him of this by distracting him, but I think you’re right, like Brownie, it’s his temperament. He’s also anxious about so many things.  He heard a noise yesterday when we were outside walking and he freaked out and got out of his harness.  He started running toward the street and thank God I had taught him the “stay”command as it stopped him (calling his name did not). I was trembling after I got him back in his harness (I tightened it).  He could have ran in the street and gotten hit by a car. I don’t think I would have recovered from that, losing another dog.  Everyone thinks I’m better too, but I am still fighting depression and I often cry when I’m by myself.  

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@EternalsoulI haven’t gotten any specific signs but I feel that Petey lives in my brain and heart. I constantly think of him.  Jack has some behaviors that remind me of Petey.  I am glad you are receiving signs. They must be very comforting. 

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@KayCThat is wonderful that you keep Arlie’s things and leave fresh water in his bowl. I wish I could have saved some of Petey’s things.  I just couldn’t look at them after he was gone as it was too heart breaking for me and I hate to say it, but I threw everything away.   I know that is so wasteful, but I just couldn’t see any other dog using Petey’s things. They were Petey’s.   I hope Petey doesn’t think I was trying to erase him, by doing this.  I bought all new stuff for Jack. Petey’s ashes are still sitting on the bureau and I pretend they are not there. My heart is broken and I don’t know if it will ever be whole again. 

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18 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

this small cute dog acting like he is ferocious.

I know, Kodie comes off like a mad rat sometimes, he's so earnest but it's hard not to laugh! :D
I am so glad Jack stopped when he did!  They can sure scare us sometimes.

I did pass on a lot of Arlie's big toys to Jazzy but he still has a lot of things around here.  I think they know our hearts and know we would never erase any part of them. we couldn't if we tried, they own our hearts.  When I got Kodie, it grew to fit him into it.

 

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magicmiriam
On 5/27/2022 at 3:44 PM, Eternalsoul said:

I know I've asked you before if you've received any signs and you said no but are you sure you're not bypassing anything????

I haven't gotten any signs, it could be because of all the Martinis, i don't even remember dreams. I'm happy you found a way to feel connected to your baby. I believe in God but i don't pray, i'm too angry with him. 

On 5/28/2022 at 9:35 AM, KayC said:

his leash hanging by the door.

I kept everything of Tiny's but not in plain sight, i got a chest and put it all inside, including his meds, anything and everything. Some of it he shared with his kids so it's still out. I don't have the nerve to look at his personal things just yet plus there are things i ziplocked with his scent on them which i will smell one day, not sure when.

 

20 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

I was trembling after I got him back in his harness

That happened to me with Brownie too, he pulls so hard when he sees a dog or a squirrel, i also tightened his harness, big time, everything happens so fast, it's better to be safe than sorry. Brownie is just Brownie, you can't change him, people also laugh when he barks, he's a nut but i love his personality. Milo is afraid of moving leaves, so shy, opposite of Brownie and they grew up together, it's temperament.

Tiny never needed a leash, he was so laid back, walked slow, never barked, he was so smart and easy going. Even if a dog came right up to him he would stand still and just wag his tail, amazing. 

20 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

I constantly think of him.

Constantly,,,,all day,,,can't stop

On 5/27/2022 at 3:44 PM, Eternalsoul said:

marriage is a full time job.

I love him but it is hard work. When Tiny was sick for 3 years i slept in a different room i designed just for Tiny, everything low on the floor including the bed and slept there with him. My husband was very understanding that i didn't sleep with him. Sex is sex, sleep is different, it's all good. He loved Tiny so much too. He's not crying anymore and talking about him and that really gets to me, but each person deals with it differently i guess. I defiantly don't cry near him anymore. Just sneak another Martini.

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On 5/29/2022 at 8:15 AM, magicmiriam said:

I believe in God but i don't pray, i'm too angry with him. 

And that's okay, He still holds you anyway.  I was always an avid pray-er, even taught classes in it to pastors/parishioners!  But the first year after my husband died, I felt God was a million miles away.  I've learned that's common in grief, so is anger.  At the end of that first year I realized God was with me all throughout, I just couldn't see through my grief lens.  He carried me all that time.  I go by faith, not feelings. ;)

On 5/29/2022 at 8:15 AM, magicmiriam said:

each person deals with it differently

For sure!  
Different Ways of Grieving
Different Ways of Grieving-old

Thank you for sharing the picture!
 

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magicmiriam
8 hours ago, KayC said:

At the end of that first year I realized God was with me all throughout, I just couldn't see through my grief lens.

I believe in God that's why i'm angry with him.

I do understand what you are saying though, my husband sent me this a few weeks ago.

1c3c765780c6e1a74685b31871869f36.jpg

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magicmiriam

My mom forced me to get out of the house yesterday with her for a coffee and then afterwards we went to the dog fountain. It is not easy seeing the world go on and the sun shine and people smiling and laughing, it drives me crazy that the world goes on without Tiny. I'm trying to look normal but inside i feel dead. My mom kept saying,,,isn't this fun? Isn't it good to go out? Isn't this nice? I said to her of course this is fun and in my head i'm answering NO No NO, This is not fun. Lets go home.

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Eternalsoul

@KayC

That makes such perfect and beautiful sense that you keep him a blanket in there and that you keep his water bowl filled. Nothing is trivial and I'm sure he truly appreciates it. He does have an eternal home but I'm positive he watches over and visits you and Kodie. 

I printed out photos of her and I keep some in the Bible and some hanging with the other pets who went to Heaven. Lately, I put her photo by me as I'm laying in bed reading or just thinking. 

I still pray everyday at her and their grave(s) or in the cemetery... as I like to call it.Her very grave is the actual first grave I've ever placed an actual cross on. The others I have statues or ceramic lanterns. I intend to make them all a cross. I made her one out of some old wood and I painted it pink and purple because she's my little princess forever. They all are so special to me.

Yes, I have definitely been alone too long but never truly lonely because I have my pets. It's peaceful. When I visit people I'm always looking forward to going home. I'm odd. 

I know.... a perfect way to go would be with the one you love. However, your love will stand the test of time. They all watch over you. 

 

 

 

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@Mandy25

That is so neat that he has some behaviors that remind you of Petey. Maybe you thinking of him constantly is a sign. I read that somewhere. Perhaps you subconsciously feel his energy. Surely he watches over you. 

I'm so glad that Jack did not go into the road. My boy did that years ago. He jumped out of my car when I got out to put gas. He ran into the road and sat at the intersection and I ran into the intersection on a mildly busy road and then he'd run to the other side and when I'd get to the other side he went into the intersection. I had a mild ankle injury at this time so I wasn't fast enough. Eventually he went back to the side where I was parked and a man yelled at me saying " you could have been killed for that dog" and I just was so thankful he didn't get hurt. I remember I was putting my hand out and pointing at him so they'd slow down and most of the vehicles did. 

It was horrifying and I am so happy for you that he's ok. 

I wish I could teach mine the stop command they just ignore me. It's actually funny. 

I don't go anywhere without a harness though. 

Jack sounds incredibly smart!

 

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Eternalsoul

@magicmiriam

Those are such great photos. Your husband reminds me of the Terminator. The photo reminds me sort of that scene from John Wick where he's walking with his dog.... sort of a mixture of The Terminator and John Wick. 

In this case though Tiny is actually the hero and your husband is the sidekick. That would be a funny movie. 

It's a cute photo. Tiny looks so adorable. Such a great memory. 

I see that you're wearing colors now and you're dressed very cute. You and your mom look great. That's a neat dog fountain!!!! I understand soooooooo much what you mean. It will never seem fair and it hurts. Then you go out and see people smiling and laughing without a care in the world and deep inside there's guilt, pain and longing to hold them again. It's something I know I'll always carry until God takes me home to be with them. It's the biggest test. 

That's sweet of your mom to take you out and that she wanted to lift your spirits. I wish I had a mom like that. She just wants to see you happy. It's nice to get dressed up and to go out. I bet Tiny was happy to see you do something nice. 

Your husband probably doesn't want to cry infront of you. Who knows maybe he hides it so he can be the stronger one. Men sometimes just hide their feelings or try to be stronger. Me I don't care I'll cry or talk about my cat whenever I want. Sometimes though I don't bring her up to other people because I sense they aren't in touch with their deeper self. They are too artificial. On this site it's the opposite. 

Haha, a martini sounds delicious. I understand you're angry with God. I blame myself mostly. I am hurt with how it all occurred but I pray everyday and I beg God to please tell her and the others I love them, miss them and to be with me when it's my time. That's my way of talking to them because I believe God let's them hear me even more through prayer. If that makes sense. 

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On 5/31/2022 at 4:03 PM, magicmiriam said:

I believe in God that's why i'm angry with him.

I do understand what you are saying though, my husband sent me this a few weeks ago.

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This is accurate. Often I'll just think of her. The way she walked, meowed, slept, purred and the way she stared through my soul. I miss her and I think to myself that this isn't right and she should be here still and I feel a feeling of overwhelming devastation. I was feeling like that today but then I think this is all for God's purpose. She's in Heaven. God reminds me to be strong that this isn't the end. 

It's a tough walk yes but for sure God is with us. Tiny is with you, too. I bet Tiny even carries you sometimes. 

 

 

 

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Your post @magicmiriam reminded me of how I felt after we lost our cat while staying at a house for 3 months on our summer vacation. It happened about 3 weeks into the trip. 

We were supposed to go all over the countryside, exploring, walking, checking out town after town. The most fun I had was going wine tasting to drown my sorrows. It turned into the vacation from hell.

We have to choose to get better. I didn't want to. It felt like letting go.

But I allowed it, slowly. It took a long time. 
The memories still haunt me but I guess I am as at peace as I can be about it. I hope that you find that peace eventually too.     

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@magicmiriamI loved the pictures you posted.  Tiny looks so “tiny” next to his Dad.  Tiny is so very precious.  It’s good that you went out with your mom. I know you are thinking about Tiny every minute, but I hope that the times you do go out are a bit of a distraction.  I know they are for me.  I try to take Jack with me wherever I go.  He makes me happy. He and Petey are so similar in so many ways except Jack is not aggressive (just barks a lot) like Petey was (due to the behavioral seizures).  I understand your being mad at god. I’m not mad, but I really don’t understand this whole life and death thing and the grief and pain that goes with it. Hopefully it will become clear when I die. @EternalsoulYes, I do feel Petey’s energy. I sometimes think he is still here. I miss him and really don’t understand why we are made to love and then it is taken away, leaving us with this unbearable pain.  I really do hope there is a purpose to this life.
 I am so glad your pup wasn’t hurt either. If Jack had run into the street, I know I would have run into the street after him.  I am so glad he stopped. He listens to the “sit” and “stay” commands, but for some reason will only obey the “come” command if a treat is involved. I think he may be a bit stubborn, that rascal. 
It is so nice that you are making a special cross for your baby’s grave. I’m sure she is watching and happy you are doing this for her. It is wonderful that you are going to do it for all your babies.  You are truly a very thoughtful person. 

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On 6/1/2022 at 6:02 PM, Eternalsoul said:

I see that you're wearing colors

It's funny you say that. I've been dressing like an Italian Widow since Tiny passed away, always black, i open my closet and choose black or dark gray. My mom actually asked me to not wear black and wear something cheery. 

 

On 6/1/2022 at 6:02 PM, Eternalsoul said:

She just wants to see you happy.

I was happy with Tiny even though it was tough taking care of him the last 3 years when he was sick but my mom kept wishing him dead, she would say things indirectly all the time. I still have trouble receiving any love from her.

On 6/1/2022 at 6:02 PM, Eternalsoul said:

I pray everyday and I beg God to please tell her and the others I love them

I envy how you can pray to him to help you when he did this to you.

 

18 hours ago, AJWCat said:

The memories still haunt me

Memories haunt me too, i especially can't get his last minutes out of my mind, it's torture.

I remember your story about the poisoning, it broke my heart. 

I really need Tiny, i really miss him to the core, he was the wind beneath my wings.

16 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

Tiny looks so “tiny” next to his Dad

People always stop my husband and tell him he should be walking a doberman, he always laughs. He always said to me, they see a small dog but they don't see how huge his soul is. 

 

16 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

He makes me happy.

That's wonderful, you deserve happiness. If i didn't have Brownie and Milo it would be unbearable, you need Jack.

I've noticed how my relationship with Brownie and Milo has evolved into something else. I didn't have time for them because taking care of Tiny was intensive. Now i have more time for them and i notice how many of their father's traits they have. It brings me closer to them.

Spoil Jack, he deserves it.

16 hours ago, Mandy25 said:

but I really don’t understand this whole life and death thing and the grief and pain that goes with it.

Which is more cruel, life or death? 

If we die so as to live again? Then why die in the first place.

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