Lost my wife.

[RichS]

JorisV:  Welcome to our board of caring, sympathetic people who are all very sorry for your loss. Please continue to post here. We try to help each other get through each and every day.

[JorisV]

18 minutes ago, RichS said:

JorisV:  Welcome to our board of caring, sympathetic people who are all very sorry for your loss. Please continue to post here. We try to help each other get through each and every day.

Is it the goal to tell here "The whole story", especially all the things happening after my dearest died? I am afraid there is a lot of negativity in that story. 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. As for a goal, there is no goal to this place other than to offer a safe place for people in mourning to support each other. What you share or don't is up to you. If it helps to unload, then unload. If there are things you'd rather not that's fine too.

Regarding incompetence in the medical profession......oh man have I been there. Again I'm very sorry for what you're going through. 

 

[KMkm]

Sorry for your loss.  I can't say that you shouldn't dwell on the past but I do as well.  Losing someone due to medical issues is tough.  I lost my 36yo wife from cancer two years ago and I blame them for it but it doesn't do me any good to keep that anger in my heart.  Please share as much as you want cause people won't or at least shouldn't  judge you for anything.  I hope you give yourself time.  When I was told that time is the number one factor in healing I had a hard time believing them.  Be patient and stay strong.  You will get through this your way and you need to find that way with help from family, friends , and strangers.

[Gail 8588]

Welcome JorvisV,

I am so sorry for your loss.  There is no pressure for you to share your  history here.  Many people simply read the posts of others without commenting. For others it is a place for them to vent some anger, frustration about their loss.  Many simply post about how they are feeling and how they are getting through each day. 

Feel free to share as much or as little as feels helpful to you.  Just reading the posts of others can help you feel not so alone in this miserable journey of grief. 

The tragic death of your girlfriend is heartbreaking, especially so if it was avoidable.  It is not fair or right.  I am so sorry. 

 

[KayC]

@JorisV  Welcome here.  I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds indeed that this may be a case, as widower2 said, 

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

Regarding incompetence in the medical profession......oh man have I been there.

My husband had just turned 51 five days before he died on Father's Day.  He also should not have died, but his doctor did not do for him what he should have.  I am just so sorry you are going through this.

You can share what you want, negative or positive...we've been through the loss.  I wish there was a simple way to ease your pain.  I haven't found the simple part yet.

You can keep this to refer to either here or on your PC, this is an evolving journey so it may change a bit in time...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[HisMunchkin]

18 hours ago, JorisV said:

Songs (I am a music man, love music all my life, but I'm not at all a musician) and pets (I have 2 dogs), don't ease the pain for me.  Friends do, a little, and in times like this, you learn to know who are your real friends. My girlfriend passed away 15 days ago, after being sick (pneumonia in combination with breathing problems) for only 2-3 weeks. The worst is, in my opinion, she didn't have to die, her death is I'm quite sure the result of the wrong medication, or at least a wrong combination of meds. Who gives meds that can often cause breathing problems to someone who already has breathing problems? "Giving Up" isn't in my "book of life", I never give up, but this time, I think in that direction. She was 46, I'm 64, she is Filipina, I'm from Belgium, Europe. I have a business, but lost interest in it. I'm thinking "What's the use to stay alive?".

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Welcome to the board! 

[KMkm]

I am trying to write some information down about my journey through some though times in my life as well as my journey with grief.  I want to talk in front of people to share what has helped and hindered my helping process.  I have asked a few people and they have voiced their support.  I was going to rent a conference room to see if this is something people want.  I have discussed numerous topics with individuals and they have all said I could help a lot of people with their own struggles.  I just want to help people who struggle with grief and depression.  Maybe if I help just one person.  I think talking in front of a group will help me as well.  It will help me face my grief and my anxiety towards talking in front of people.

[Marq]

On 1/25/2024 at 8:57 PM, Gail 8588 said:

I put one foot in front of another feeling like a zombie, emotionally detached from the world.  But eventually, I made my way back to living.  At 7 years, I'm  no longer a zombie. I'm  am glad I'm  still here.

 

I am showering, brushing my teeth, putting on clean clothes.  i hug my kids.  i cry in front of them so they know it is ok (they are adults) and because i can't stop crying.  i go to AA meetings.  i walked our dog today.  all of it one foot in front of the other.  doing what i am suppose to do i guess.  it feels meaningless, even though it know it isnt. i do feel like a zombie and i feel like i am in hell.  cold thru my chest.  nauseous.  sad and angry.  empty and full of emotions i don't want.  the chaplain that came out when we found Dorothy told me to just do one thing in front of me then the next thing in front of me.one foot in front of the other.  it will work right?  it will work?  it has for you?

[RichS]

Marq:  Welcome to our board. Everyone here will tell you to take each day one at a time. You're in shock right now. All of us have been there just a days after we lost our partners. The people on this board are kind, sympathetic and will offer helpful advice when they can. Please continue to post here. We are here to help you and each other.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Marq said:

one foot in front of the other.

I knew someone here and my other grief group years ago who always said that, it was his signature.  Yes, much like "one day (or hour or minute) at a time."  They may be cliches but they are so for a reason and good ones.  They help us through this time.  (((hugs from afar)))

[HisMunchkin]

11 hours ago, Marq said:

I am showering, brushing my teeth, putting on clean clothes.  i hug my kids.  i cry in front of them so they know it is ok (they are adults) and because i can't stop crying.  i go to AA meetings.  i walked our dog today.  all of it one foot in front of the other.  doing what i am suppose to do i guess.  it feels meaningless, even though it know it isnt. i do feel like a zombie and i feel like i am in hell.  cold thru my chest.  nauseous.  sad and angry.  empty and full of emotions i don't want.  the chaplain that came out when we found Dorothy told me to just do one thing in front of me then the next thing in front of me.one foot in front of the other.  it will work right?  it will work?  it has for you?

Early on, I felt the same nausea, sadness, and went through days feeling like a zombie.  I also felt crushing chest pain and extreme anxiety and disorientation.  There was a lot of paperwork afterwards, and I did what I could, a little bit at a time.  That was all I could manage.  I'm still not done.  The main focus was getting through a day.  I'm still mainly focusing on surviving, although there seem to be more moments of normality, emotionally speaking.  It's been about 2 months since my husband's passing. 

[KayC]

It's been so many years since I've lost George and I still focus on one day at a time, surviving, growing old alone.  It's tough.  Having Kodie and Panther help a lot.

[KMkm]

For me I don't think about the steps or time.  I think about tasks.  I guess you could say one step at a time.  I try to not lay in bed when I wake up.  I try to go to bed at a decent hour and get sleep.  If I wake up I try to do something that will allow me to fall asleep again.  I try to eat small amounts through the day.  Keeping my mind busy helped pass the time.  The crucial part is time.  Like any wound, it takes time.  But on the other hand time is your enemy cause it will take a lot of it to heal.  My advice is to find small things that get you through those crucial seconds, mins and hours.  Getting through a day is a big step.  The small steps at first are what counts.  I try to find moments in a day where I stand facing the sun and take a few deep breaths, or for the past few months I close my eyes as I stand outside in the cold breathing deep.  You will struggle at times, you will fall apart but that's supposed to happen because facing grief is important.  Crying helps me flush out emotions and sometimes I have to sit in silence or listen  to a song  to make me face reality.  I also attend a grief group to face what I avoid.  Just remember in life we are to experience all emotions cause if not it csn rob us of living.  What I'm trying to say is experiencing sadness allows us to enjoy the happier times more.  Hopefully you find something that someone has written that can inspire you.  That's all this is about.  Finding those precious moments or words that give us strength.  Stay strong my friend.  For me I'm here and losing my wife destroyed me to a point where I've never been so low.  I'm still here 2 years later and I pray to my wife that she will give me the strength to be here for many more even if it means I won't see her for a while.  

[RichS]

1 hour ago, KMkm said:

I'm still here 2 years later and I pray to my wife that she will give me the strength to be here for many more even if it means I won't see her for a while. 

That's my prayer for myself as well. I've got family who needs me.

[Marq]

On 2/4/2024 at 6:10 PM, JorisV said:

Songs (I am a music man, love music all my life, but I'm not at all a musician) and pets (I have 2 dogs), don't ease the pain for me.  Friends do, a little, and in times like this, you learn to know who are your real friends. My girlfriend passed away 15 days ago, after being sick (pneumonia in combination with breathing problems) for only 2-3 weeks. The worst is, in my opinion, she didn't have to die, her death is I'm quite sure the result of the wrong medication, or at least a wrong combination of meds. Who gives meds that can often cause breathing problems to someone who already has breathing problems? "Giving Up" isn't in my "book of life", I never give up, but this time, I think in that direction. She was 46, I'm 64, she is Filipina, I'm from Belgium, Europe. I have a business, but lost interest in it. I'm thinking "What's the use to stay alive?".

I am so sorry JorisV I wish no one had to feel this pain. My wife died one week ago yesterday.  Was young and we still don’t know why. I think I can partially understand your feelings over her dying when it was unnecessary. 
I keep coming back to this forum to read peoples comments and to be welcomed. I think it helps. I’m sorry you’ve had to find this spot, but keep coming back we can figure out if it helps together.

 

[KMkm]

I have now faced the reality of my actions.  I spent almost two years not taking care of myself. I found out that I have diabetes and my glucose and A1C is very high.  This is a lesson a learned about how important it is to drink, eat, exercise and rest.  My doctor has informed me that my inability to take the necessary steps to ensure my health will take its toll on me. I begged my wife and God for the strength to continue on and sometimes I feel like my stubbornness to accept reality cause me more pain in the end.  I will be now taking medication and also be advised my a dietitian.  I hope that my story will help others to understand what happens when you stop eating, drinking and well pretty much taking care of yourself.  I'm going to start eating small amount during throughout the day and I hope that my body can recover.  

[KMkm]

I fasted for 16 hrs a day everyday for almost a year. I would only eat around 6 to 8 pm and sometimes not for a few days.  No snacking and when I ate I only ate meat and veggies.  I would have a coffee in the am sometimes.

[KMkm]

My glucose level is 26 and my A1C is 12.  My triglyceride is 2.7

[KayC]

That's an extremely high A1C.  Note, lack of sleep can affect it, as can coffee in some people.  Triglycerides are targeted to be under 100, never heard of 2.7, often in the 100s when diabetic. Mine was 290 and is now 83, which is a good number.  My HDL years ago was 39, is now 96, also a good number.

[KMkm]

2.7 mmol/l

[KMkm]

I think that everyone who has lost someone special or is suffering from some sort of traumatic event suffers from lack of sleep.  It is hard to fall asleep or for me, it's hard to get back to sleep.  The intrusive thoughts bombared my mind with what ifs and regrets.  Many people probably don't know but just after my wife passed I was forced to choose between caring for my children or keeping my job.  I chose my kids.  They needed me and I really needed them.  I have since started my own business and it has become a very stressful endeavor since I don't have the mindset to be able to do everything that is required.  I wake up numerous times and when I regain consciousness, I think about the people I have missed, or haven't got to.  Among many other things that my brain and heart feel the need to worry about.  I don't have advice that works for everyone but I want people to know you aren't alone.  Just believe in yourself and know that you must take it easy and rest when you can.  I just pray that everyone has the ability to take a nap when needed, and know that it's ok to do so.  Sleep is essential, eating and drinking enough are too.  I now have realized that my body can't take the abuse with the care.  My grief group leader shared something with me and acronym.  DEER.  Drink, Eat, Exercise, Rest.  This is an essential part of recovery and healing.  Be kind to yourself and others.  Stay strong my friends.  

[KayC]

Very good advice.

[Griefsucks810]

On 2/9/2024 at 10:18 AM, KMkm said:

I have now faced the reality of my actions.  I spent almost two years not taking care of myself. I found out that I have diabetes and my glucose and A1C is very high.  This is a lesson a learned about how important it is to drink, eat, exercise and rest.  My doctor has informed me that my inability to take the necessary steps to ensure my health will take its toll on me. I begged my wife and God for the strength to continue on and sometimes I feel like my stubbornness to accept reality cause me more pain in the end.  I will be now taking medication and also be advised my a dietitian.  I hope that my story will help others to understand what happens when you stop eating, drinking and well pretty much taking care of yourself.  I'm going to start eating small amount during throughout the day and I hope that my body can recover.  

So sorry to hear that you have Diabetes and your glucose and A1C are both high.  Hopefully you’ll take care of yourself now by eating healthy and exercise.
 

I found out last year that I was pre-diabetic and my cholesterol is high and didn’t start addressing these issues until this week.  I’m scared about my high cholesterol cuz it can cause cardiovascular disease and it takes 3-6 months for cholesterol levels to decrease in your bloodstream. Also exercise is supposed to decrease your cholesterol and keep your heart healthy which is something I’m not playing around with cuz I wanna live a long healthy life. 

[widower2]

Cholesterol can indeed cause cardiovascular disease, but generally, please folks, let's avoid dispensing medical/health advice...we aren't doctors; we don't even play one on TV.  I suggest anyone interested in such things do the research and judge for themselves. 

[KayC]

I know what I know, this is what I do, research this every day, not do what 55 year old guidelines that haven't worked...I have countless videos from researchers and doctors, but I removed my post and will keep that separate.  And my health is entirely improved from what it was when I followed their guidelines for 11 years.  My husband DIED of a heart attack with diabetic complications doing what their AMA guidelines told him to do!  That makes it personal.  I wish I'd known then what I know now.  I will live my life continuing to learn about this!

I just want to add, if you know something that could save someone's life, would you keep quiet instead of letting them know?  

And here we go, don't listen to me, maybe you'll listen to someone with a degree in Thanatology and a lifetime as a grief counselor...Alcohol & Grief: Will It Lead to Addiction?  see links at the end of the article for more information.

widower2, I would never say you're an addict!  Just saying that some who turn to alcohol in their grief...not the wisest move.

[KMkm]

I was notified to increase my meds which will help with how I'm feeling.  I realized that feeling this way had increased my inability to function properly and I will focus on my health and in turn my mental health will improve.  One day I will be able to move forward in life and find joy and happiness again.  Throughout my life I have been very healthy and strong.  Grief has taken that but I can only blame myself for letting myself go.  I need to get healthy again.  If anyone can learn from my posts is that if you expect to be able to move forward you need to strengthen your body and mind accordingly.  Never give up and never stop taking care of yourself.  It will get worse if you don't make sure you are healthy enough to endure the fight.  Remember DEER.  Drink, Eat, Exercise, Rest.

[Jemiga70]

On 2/11/2024 at 11:12 PM, KMkm said:

Never give up and never stop taking care of yourself.  It will get worse if you don't make sure you are healthy enough to endure the fight.

I hear you. Unfortunately last night I went on a binge and drank about 2.5 liters of beer. Paying for it today. I think I was angry it was Valentine's. I could not escape the smiling couples. I turned my anger inward.  Every day is a new opportunity. Today will be better.  Good luck with your meds increase.

[Marq]

23 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I hear you. Unfortunately last night I went on a binge and drank about 2.5 liters of beer. Paying for it today. I think I was angry it was Valentine's. I could not escape the smiling couples. I turned my anger inward.  Every day is a new opportunity. Today will be better.  Good luck with your meds increase.

Yeah this was not a good day.  Remember you need to care for yourself.  As I was told, there is no problem we face, that is solved by alcohol.  I’m sorry you binged last night.  I agree every day is a new day.  Meetings are everywhere, and you don’t need to be an alcoholic to go.  Be safe!

[widower2]

FWIW occasionally overdoing it drink-wise does not equate to being an alcoholic, esp in a situation like this. I do not say this to imply  overdoing it is "OK"....but it only becomes a real issue when it becomes a constant and something one cannot stop or control, i.e., apart from circumstantial situations. 

[KayC]

And ask yourself this question, Does alcohol bring you down, as a depressant, or does it lift your spirits?  A lot of it is how much you drink.  My sister always had a glass of wine with her dinner until Diabetes sent that to a crashing halt.  She misses it.

[Marq]

On 2/15/2024 at 7:43 PM, widower2 said:

FWIW occasionally overdoing it drink-wise does not equate to being an alcoholic

I apologize for how I came across in my previous post.  I did not mean everyone who drinks is an alcoholic.  I am sorry for that. 

[widower2]

I appreciate that, but not necessary. I didn't mean to imply you were saying that either. Just lending my .02. All good!  

[KMkm]

Whatever helps to get through the tough times is ok.  The only issue is how much it's used to numb the pain.  Eventually it either becomes a problem or it becomes an issue by not facing grief.  I don't know if it works for everyone but I attend a grief group.  It allows me to face the pain and heal.  Avoiding the sadness and pain doesn't help.  Either we learn to live with it and embrace the discomfort or it destroys us from within.   This is only my opinion and may not work for everyone.  I have tried thc, cbd, mushrooms and work.  I don't turn to alcohol because it affects me negatively and makes me feel out of control.  All I can say is that those who have lost someone special now live with grief.  It will never be gone but it can be embraced in a way to feel those who are not with us anymore.  I never want the pain to be gone completely but I want to be able to live a happy life.  Living each day with purpose and joy.  I cry every day cause I miss my wife so much but I know she is waiting for me, she is watching me and sharing each moment.  I don't want to finally meet my wife and find out that she shared my life watching me be sad and sit in despair and anger.  I want her to tell me that she is proud of me and loved spending time and experiencing every moment.  Watching me and the kids laughing, traveling and embracing our future together as a family.  Don't be scared of the pain.  It's going to be ok.  Stay strong my friends.

[vvjoris]

On 2/17/2024 at 12:12 AM, Sim7079 said:

I know for me alcohol was something I needed when feeling really low and sad & helped me feel better - of course it’s not something you can do too often or regular as others have said & I can say it’s deffo not an everyday thing like in the early months - so a good thing.

Drinking alcoholic beverages (esp rum) helps me to fall asleep when it's bedtime. It doesn't mean I drink all the time, I know that is dangerous, and it's possible to get hooked on it, becoming an alcoholic. To me it's fine to have a drink, but not fine to exaggerate that.

[Marq]

10 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

This is something to ponder for me & I think having this in my mind, might help to get me out of my depressive down days quicker.

It helps me thru rough moments thinking Dorothy is checking in on me, making sure I am not living in despair.  I am in despair right now.  But not forever.  I want Dorothy to see that I love her, will always love her, and will try to spread her kindness and Joy to as many people as I can. 

[KMkm]

I had a taste of the early grief days.  I guess it was a trigger for me.  I had my daughter who is 9 come to me and just fall apart crying and saying " I miss mommy, I want her to come back".  I didn't feel different at first but then it hit.  I can describe the feeling as the grief I felt early on after my wife passed.  Like I got kicked in the chest which knocked the wind out of me as well as nausea.  She cried for several minutes but I told her that I miss her as well and it's very hard for me.  I told her that we can't do anything to get her back but we will be ok.  She is with us enjoying every monet of our lives but we just can't see her.  We hugged for a few minutes as she began to calm down and I told her I loved her very much and I am still her to love and protect her.  As she got ready for bed I had to take a few minutes after to talk to my wife and ask for strength to keep going.  These moments really test my strength and ability to keep my head up.  I don't tell people it's easier after almost 3 years but I do explain that it's not as hard.  The thing I keep from everyone is the thoughts I have of leaving everything behind to escape life and join my wife.  Those thoughts I keep to myself until I can explain it in full context of how I feel very down and how I let the experience pass by and take a few deep breathes and keep going.  I want to take all these experiences as a whole and tell others of how the hard times help me realize how strong I am deep down.  Anyway I thought I would share this and I hope that reading what i wrote helps others.  Stay strong my friends.  

[RichS]

25 minutes ago, KMkm said:

I don't tell people it's easier after almost 3 years but I do explain that it's not as hard. I want to take all these experiences as a whole and tell others of how the hard times help me realize how strong I am deep down. 

We're all carrying our own unique crosses on this journey. It's comforting to have a board like this where we can interact with folks who understand what we're all going through. For me personally, this is the hardest challenge I've ever faced in my life. But like everyone here, I take it one day at a time and praying for the strength to move forward.

[KayC]

32 minutes ago, KMkm said:

Anyway I thought I would share this and I hope that reading what i wrote helps others.  Stay strong my friends.

Aww, you're a good dad.  And I'm glad you shared that with us.

[KMkm]

I thought I would post something probably tivial in most people's eyes.  My kids tend to goof around while eating and I've explained to them numerous times about not doing it while eating because something can get knocked off or something worse.  Well today a smoothie got knocked off thr table and I didn't scream but I raised my voice to explain why I've been saying don't goof around.  My daughter got upset and ran into her room crying.  Being a single parent is difficult enough when things don't go wrong as well as grieving.  My son helped clean it up and I finished their lunches and finished cleaning.  Why am I posting this.  Because the experience could have been way worse either by the amount of mess, or Mayne an injury.  But I could have also screamed and yelled and made them feel worse.  I felt like it and for some reason I didn't, but not because of restraint or exhaustion.  It was because I don't see any good in it, especially when they already knew that they had done something wrong.  Mistakes happen and I have come to terms with that fact.  I guess in the end I needed to write this because, I fall apart when something like this happens.  I don't feel like I can handle even the smallest mishap anymore.  I contemplate leaving so many times, everyday.  The strength that was once so strong and abundant has become weak and minimized by the fight to be alive.  But I will sit and take a few deep breathes.  I hope that the next time something happens I can keep a positive outlook. 

[RichS]

14 minutes ago, KMkm said:

But I could have also screamed and yelled and made them feel worse.  I felt like it and for some reason I didn't, but not because of restraint or exhaustion.  It was because I don't see any good in it, especially when they already knew that they had done something wrong.

You handled the situation well. These days, one of the benefits of my indifference is to only focus on the the big problems of my life (grief being at the top of the list). The other stuff is minor and often stuff we can control, anyway. I find that doing this has cut down on my stress level.

[KayC]

@KMkm To my way of looking at it you handled the situation well.  It was a teachable moment and you did it!  It can also help the kids understand that dad's got it and life does go on, regardless of our grieving.  (((hugs)))

[KMkm]

The holidays are hard to push through.  I try to feel gratefull for the time I have.  I remember hiding all the eggs and treats for the kids.  Having those moments to hold each other and take in the joy that the kids feel when they look around. Embracing my wife as we watch our kods grow into their own and to remember how they were.  I have to sit alone today and cry.  To let out everything I hold in so the kids can enjoy the fairytales of pur childhood. They believe in all myths and one day they won't.  They will be maturing at a rate that I probably won't be comfortable with.  I ask my wife for guidance on what I'm supposed to do and think about how she would handle situations.  It's hard to ensure the pain and I don't care what anyone says.  I will feel the way I want to no matter what.  If I'm alone for the rest of my life, if I'm sad til I'm gone. That's my choice.  I'm here and my kids have their Dad.  That's the most important thing.  I just hope my resilience can hold up and I an keep moving forward.  Stay strong my friends.  Our journey isn't over til we are done.

[RichS]

26 minutes ago, KMkm said:

I'm here and my kids have their Dad.  That's the most important thing.

Hard as it is for me, I've been trying to be grateful for who I still have in my life (my son, our cat, friends near and far, and some family). I have a cousin who's a millionaire, but very unhappy. I wouldn't trade places with him for all that he has. If you have some form of love in your life (regardless of who or where), you at least have that to keep you moving forward (however slow it is for some of us).

[KayC]

I love my kids whether I hear from them or not, I love my dog and Panther, I love where I live even though it's a rough life here sometimes (snow, fires, etc.)  It's hard to explain but when it's in your blood...I love my neighbors and the deer and elk than come around.

Good walks today, no dogs loose, got to feed the horse, Iris and I gave each other much needed hugs today and yesterday.  I finished my 3 day project, that's good.  I like being thankful for what is.  Sometimes it's a stretch finding positive but you keep looking for it, even if it's the day being over when it is.  and I love all of you.

Jack's son, Joseph, came by and mowed my lawn, that was nice, only charged $30 and I have acreage.

I love my kids whether I hear from them or not, I love my dog and Panther, I love where I live even though it's a rough life here sometimes (snow, fires, etc.)  It's hard to explain but when it's in your blood...I love my neighbors and the deer and elk than come around.

Good walks today, no dogs loose, got to feed the horse, Iris and I gave each other much needed hugs today and yesterday.  I finished my 3 day project, that's good.  I like being thankful for what is.  Sometimes it's a stretch finding positive but you keep looking for it, even if it's the day being over when it is.  and I love all of you.

Jack's son, Joseph, came by and mowed my lawn, that was nice, only charged $30 and I have acreage.

[KMkm]

I thought about leaving.  I think about it a lot.  But when I get down I try to think about everyone who loves me.   I hear from people who have lost someone to suicide. It's very hard to hear how it has hurt them. I can't give up, though i want to stop the pain.  The pain most of us live with.  The sleepless nights, not eating, not enjoying anything anymore.  But this might sound very harsh and I hate even saying it, but we do it to ourselves.  I know I do at least.  I choose to be unhappy.  I choose to let my life pass by for me to live in misery cause my wife is gone.  I blame myself for not wanting to get better cause it is my choice.  My friends and family want me to be happy, they want me to move forward.  But I know I can't, I won't.  I never want anyone else to live like I do.  I don't want anyone to go through life thinking that they can't be happy again.  It's our decision to make.  You might be broke, alone, in physical or emotional pain.  But to try and find a way to be happier is the key to enjoying what we can.  If I could help just one person to become happier, to enjoy life again.  I would feel like I'm here for a reason.  Please take what I say lightly.  Interpret the context in your own way but take away even one small idea, and that is even though you may think no one loves you or cares.  But this world needs all of us to help one another.  We just have to ask for help.  Please ask.  Stay strong my friends.

[Gail 8588]

KMkm, 

I get what you are saying, I'm  not sure it's  true, but I have felt that way sometimes. 

I struggled with not being able to find a way forward for several years.  I didn't  want to be in that pain, but I couldn't  find a way out.  There was no point to my living without my love. I couldn't  function without him. Leaving often looked like the best option I had.  But I couldn't  do that to my boys.  So I stayed. 

I did finally make my way back to being a living human being. I'm glad I didn't  check out. 

Life is still harder than I want it to be sometimes.  But life does bring me joy sometimes too. 

[RichS]

1 hour ago, KMkm said:

they want me to move forward.  But I know I can't, I won't.  I never want anyone else to live like I do.  I don't want anyone to go through life thinking that they can't be happy again.  It's our decision to make. 

I suspect some of us on this board HAVE gone through what you've gone through and SOME of us are still going through it to varying degrees. You are not alone in this. And yes, the love of friends and family have carried a lot of us through to the point where we are coping with our individual grief.

I agree that we need to ask for help from people who care enough to listen. And that is what I've experienced from the folks on this board for the last 15 months. Here, the beauty of it is, we are helping others while we are being helped.

[vvjoris]

47 minutes ago, RichS said:

. Here, the beauty of it is, we are helping others while we are being helped.

That's indeed true, comments on Grieving dot com were a great support in the first weeks after my Rose passed away. But it seems many here have a much longer recovery period. I wasn't able to do much in the first 10 weeks, but it changed, I could give Rose a place in my heart, where she will always be, and I can move on, I even have a "prospective" new girlfriend...

[LMR]

4 hours ago, KMkm said:

I thought about leaving.  I think about it a lot.  But when I get down I try to think about everyone who loves me.   I hear from people who have lost someone to suicide. It's very hard to hear how it has hurt them. I can't give up, though i want to stop the pain.  The pain most of us live with.  The sleepless nights, not eating, not enjoying anything anymore.  But this might sound very harsh and I hate even saying it, but we do it to ourselves.  I know I do at least.  I choose to be unhappy.  I choose to let my life pass by for me to live in misery cause my wife is gone.  I blame myself for not wanting to get better cause it is my choice.  My friends and family want me to be happy, they want me to move forward.  But I know I can't, I won't.  I never want anyone else to live like I do.  I don't want anyone to go through life thinking that they can't be happy again.  It's our decision to make.  You might be broke, alone, in physical or emotional pain.  But to try and find a way to be happier is the key to enjoying what we can.  If I could help just one person to become happier, to enjoy life again.  I would feel like I'm here for a reason.  Please take what I say lightly.  Interpret the context in your own way but take away even one small idea, and that is even though you may think no one loves you or cares.  But this world needs all of us to help one another.  We just have to ask for help.  Please ask.  Stay strong my friends.

This is something that I have thought about from time to time. Am I wanting to stay in that mindset? Am I being self indulgent, feeling sorry for myself? But I can't break free of the pain. I don't know how. 
I couldn't "check out". I couldn't cause this kind of pain to somebody else, even if it were only a fraction of what I feel. Also, if suicides don't go to heaven then I won't see him again. I don't say I believe that, it's just one of many possible ideas out there but we don't actually know so it's not a risk I could take. I have to have some kind of hope to hang on to.
I'm into my 4th year and for a while I thought I was doing ok but as time goes on the pain has become all consuming. I have asked for professional help and get my first assessment this week. I have tried twice before but both were useless, so third time lucky?