My loved one is going to die

[daughterrachael]

I feel like I have a home now!

I don't know how much longer I will need this thread. My dad over the weekend has gotten worse. He is dying from lung cancer caused by asbestos. He spent his whole life working hard for his family and at the same time was breathing in this poison. They said when they first found out it was mesothelioma we were told three months at most he would live. It is now more than six months and every time the phone rings I freak out thinking it could be THE CALL. Each day I cry and there is nothing I can do but accept what I can't change. This has tested my relationships with other family memebers. I guess this kind of thing stirs up old pains and issues that have not yet been resolved. I just want my dad to have a few more years. I want him to see me get marrid next year and know my future children. It's just not fair. If he wasn't exposed to this crap I would have him much longer. I am falling apart

[lauraa]

Daughterrachael,

I am sorry you have to endure this! My dad and mom both "passed" from lung cancer. My dad fought it for about 10 years and had very good quality of life...his best medicine was that he said and really thought he really didn't have cancer. He just had surgery without chemo or radiation. My mom battled it for about 5 years and did the standard treatments....so it was a matter of personal choice for both of them. They were both under hospice care and that saved our family as they were so wonderful. I had some very precious moments with my dad before he passed. In the end when he began slipping he was angry and confused and then he slipped into a semicomatose state and passed peacefully....no pain for either one. Probally the biggest pain for each of them along with family was the emotional pain of knowing they would be leaving us for awhile. It was so difficult! And so emotional! My dad showed me how to live and he showed me how to die with dignity and strength as did my husband....I don't fear death anymore....I know they are with me and I know they have paved the way for when we will meet again. I swear there were angels in the room with my dad when he was getting confused as he kept looking at the top of the walls and following them around the room...He also would call out family members names who passed before him and so I think they were coming to help him cross over...peacefully! When I close my eyes I can see my dads silouhette and so I know he is with me.....Tell your dad everything you need to before and just sit with him as sometimes you just don't need to say anything. In the end I sat with him alone in the quiet and prayed to god to take him as it was time...and he did go peacefully.....Pray for that and know he really isn't leaving you he is paving the way.....he is going to a place that is beyond glorious and time means nothing where he is going....to him it will seem like seconds until you meet again. Keep writing to us here as we all have a common bond. I knew I could always come here somewhere and not feel so quite alone.

[daughterrachael]

I want him to go, it is time for all of us. We just can't handle another month, week or even day of this. We have said all to eachother that we needed to. He is sleeping 95% of the day and can't not get out of bed. His mind is still in tact and he still jokes. My dad is in no pain and like you said he is showing me how to die with dignity. He has had moments of confusion but still knows what's going on. because of his constant sleep he does get confused about the day and time. I wish I had your confidence that you will be with your father again. I do not know what to believe, he says that he will watch over me and be there with me always. I hope it's true.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

It's nice to see how well management responds to the needs here. daughterachael, a serious illness is draining on everyone, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Since you first came to visit here, I've seen your increasing fatigue show through your writing. For the time, just try to rest yourself, as your Dad is resting. When you get home, take a nap, or do something for you. You can rest your heart in knowing he will really watch over you, his precious daughter. Laura's right, you will be with him again. I won't fill you with stuff to believe, just a little hope and rest. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark

[daughterrachael]

It is just so amazing how you can think that you can't take anymore and then you wake up the very next day and take more..without breaking, without letting it all go. I thought I have been through so much for my age but I am seeing now that it was all just the tip of the iceberg. I really do love my life and enjoy it, I just want my dad to enjoy with me. I am starting to trust in hope and I DO HOPE that he can enjoy it with me....just from afar.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughterrachael, have faith, child, in things that are far greater than you can begin to imagine. Go to the ADC's, and read what jenni does for her Dad. She's still my little girl; she just lives in Heaven. Your Dad isn't leaving you, he's just changing addresses, and will be in Heaven. He'll visit you often, I'm sure. You seem to be the kind of person to live each day to its fullest. Keep doing that, even after your Dad has to say goodbye.

[daughterrachael]

Well I just got back from taking care of my father for the day. It was not easy. Even though he was just in bed sleeping on and off. It's amazing all the little things we take for granted like going to the bathroom and changing postions in bed. My dad is so weak now he needs help to sit up and his brain can't seem to grasps things like changing the TV channel. For lunch I could only get him to eat one strawberry. There is nothing left to say anymore between him and I. I am only there to help my stepmom and give her company at this point. I don't know how she can do this day in and day out. She says she wouldn't have it any other way. I totally know what love is from seeing the commitment and care that a couple have when the going gets tough. It doesn't get any tougher than this. I can hear her heart break when she looks at him. If I ever lost my Tommy I wouldn't know what to do. I learned so much today just by being there. I dread going there. I was so close to making up an excuse so that I wouldn't have to go, but I just could't do that. Every time I see him I prepare myself to think it's going to be the last. He was sleeping when I left tonight and I just wispered to him...goodbye, I love you. I am ready to let him go, we all are.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Daughterrachael, the best thing you could have done today was visit your Dad. This may seem like more than you can bear, but you are still holding up, and you are gaining from this in ways that will help you heal in the days ahead. Thank you for telling us about their love. Love will go to the end of the earth, through the deepest sea, over the highest mountain. Love sacrifices itself for the one loved. Love can't die, because it's forever. About the comment concerning Tommy, I think you'd know. It's in your heart, and it's all about the eternity of love. Rest and enjoy your weekend. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark

[daughterrachael]

Dad is getting worse. Please God let him go

[alwaysmyjennifer]

DaughterRachael.

I will pray for you today, and for your Dad. Is hospice helping with your Dad's care? If so, they may try to encourage you to tell your Dad that it's okay to go. This is a heartbreaking thing to say, but after a long illness, it can also give you both some peace. Do you have personal berievement time available from work? If so, save it for later if you can. Let your boss save your vacation time for your honeymoon. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Mark.

[daughterrachael]

He does have hospice and he told the nurse last week that he is ready to go. That is why I feel so bad for him. He is ready to go but still has to wait. My work only gives me 3 days for berievement, not enough. I do not have any paid time off left so any days I take off after that will be unpaid. I know I will need a week maybe two. We will manage with the bills but I still need to make sure I don't push it.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

DaughterRachael, I hope you're well today, and holding up through all the stress and painful things your facing. I've always been self-employed, so getting paid time off is not an option for me. I'm happy you have some, but it seems like they could give you more, eh. After all, he's your Dad. Take the time you need from work, and they'll be patient with you. It seems like your boss is pretty descent so far. Listen to the hospice people, remembering your Dad's wishes, also yours. They only suggest, but sometimes it can sound like a demand, because words come out wrong, or situations end up that way. Take a break just for you today, to do something you need. Take care of yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Mark

[daughterrachael]

So yesterday was tough. My step mom and Uncle went to the funeral home to get some information. This makes me feel we are getting closer BUT (and I hate saying this) I am afraid to get my hopes up. My hopes of him passing soon, like this week. The not knowing if KILLING ME and can't keep going through this for weeks and months more. I was with my dad yesterday and he was thinking that someone in Iraq was going to kill him...so on and so on. He was watching the news and started to think it was real. We talked him out of it and now try to keep the TV off while he sleeps. This is so sad to see. I meet his Hospice nurse and asked her questions about how we will know when is is going to pass. She said we might not get any warning signs.

On top of it all my mother still won't talk to me, all I want is for her to ask me (in a loving way) if I am doing ok.

[swede1]

Daughterrachael,

I know it's so hard to watch somone you love get incrementally worse, when you know what the eventual outcome will be. It's just HARD. Did you ever read that article I passed on to you about the feelings associated with this? If so, I hope it helped. If not, I would still encourage you to take a gander at it. From your dad's confusion, it sounds like it may not be too long now, as that's often one of the signs. I know my Mom was living partly in this world and sometimes in her past, when she was young and at her family home. Did the hospice nurse not tell you all about the various signs of how the body shuts down? ( which can be rapid, or not, but it's helpful to know what they are ahead of time ) If not, there are articles on the web on such things, which you also may find helpful. For your own peace of mind, I am hoping you're prepared, even if you can't imagine any details, for the possibility that your feelings MIGHT change afterwards. Just so it's not a huge surprise, in case that happens. You'll feel whatever you're going to feel anyway, but try to prepare for any eventuality inside. The relief may be there, to be sure, but there may be all sorts of other stuff that comes up, too. For your mom, one idea is to either just tell her that's what you're wanting from her, OR ask her WHY she isn't doing that for you. You may not get a satisfactory answer, but it may give you more insight into what's going on with her and may help you determine if you want to maintain any sort of contact with her either now, or possibly for the future, when you're feeling extra-vulnerable. For now, when you're visiting your dad, maybe try to focus more on being aware of as many of your own feelings as you can while you sit with him....there's NOTHING more helpful in the end, than knowing YOURSELF - it will help with everything in life, including your evolving grief process.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughterrachael, I'm so sorry. How can a woman give birth to such a beautiful child and shun her? I'm baffled by this. You are the one who is the loving, caring, compassionate person. I can truly feel for your pain. I have to meet with my mother today. I'll survive. Just read some of my life, straggled about this website, and you'll see how loving a mother she was. ha! I finally blew up at her, and now we almost talk with civility. You are a good person, so don't change, not a bit, especially to lower yourself to such a standard. I'm thinking and praying, Mark

[daughterrachael]

Thank you both

I do know a lot of signs that death is coming I just want to know how it will happen to him and when. I will just not know this until it happens and I have to accept this.

I do know why my mom is this way, it's cause I do not have time for her the way she wants me too. I work full time, go to school part time, help care for my father twice a week, keep up my house hold, nurture my relationship with Tommy, and try to have some fun in the mists of it all. I can occasonially see her here in the office and maybe once a month we can go out to dinner or something but really that is all I can take of her and she knows it. Everything she says to me when we have conversations are so hurtful. She tells me that when she was my age she never had a pot belly. I am totally skinny! What the F! the nerve of her. She tells me that I should wear makeup and big earring everyday as if my natural looks aren't good enough. She loves to gossip and talk bad about everyone, I hate that. She loves the drama of my brother's life and I do not want to talk about cause it upsets me so much. She has not much going on in her own life. She only wants a boyfriend (but will never have one) that has money and will give it to her and leave her alone, what is that! I just don't care for who she is as a person bottom line. Ok I am just going off now, I really could go on for days about her.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughterrachael, may I ask what in the heck is it to her what kind of figure you have? That is so bloody laughable. Or your makeup or jewelry? Again, laughable. This is you, your body, your life, your choices. She is the one who must adjust to the fact that her little girl is no longer a little girl. You are an adult, and you make your own choices. My perception here from what you say is that she's a bit controlling. Just keep living your own life. You are a wonderful, beautiful person, a charming young lady. Spend time with Tommy, and let her take the back seat. Ya know, this is even Biblical, "for a son will leave his father and mother and bond to his wife." Oh pahleez! She will adjust, and if not, you are right to keep living the way you are. What a girl! take care of you, and spoil yourself rotten today. hehehehe. It's a special day, just for you.

[daughterrachael]

yep she's a duzzy! I have always struggled with self image (like most people) I don't need her to add fuel to the fire!

[swede1]

I do know why my mom is this way, it's cause I do not have time for her the way she wants me too. Everything she says to me when we have conversations are so hurtful. She tells me that when she was my age she never had a pot belly. I am totally skinny! What the F! the nerve of her. She tells me that I should wear makeup and big earring everyday as if my natural looks aren't good enough. She loves to gossip and talk bad about everyone, I hate that. She loves the drama of my brother's life and I do not want to talk about cause it upsets me so much. She has not much going on in her own life.

I think your mom's reasons for her behaviour go far deeper than that. Not only is this an issue of control, as Mark suggested, but she seems to have issues of neediness and part of that is the need FOR drama. It's a typical codependant symptom, so if it isn't there, she creates it. Hence her attraction for your brother's life, and gossip. It's much easier to focus on OTHER'S lives, rather than your own. She's also critical, and seems, as my Mother had a penchant for, too, to want you to be what SHE wants ( maybe for herself? ) you to be and can't accept what and who you ARE, by yourself, for yourself. My Mom did the same things, and only accepted me more for who I am in later years, and still not ALL the time. Your mom doesn't have much of her own life because she doesn't know HOW to build anything better - she's probably just repeating what she's always known, with no growth even considered in the equation...after all, you're allowing her to insult you, etc, so what's her incentive to change anything? She's getting what she thinks she wants and hasn't got a CLUE about what she's really lacking, or wanting, or needing to feel fulfilled. You're giving her some of the surface stuff she likes.

As I've said before, because I knew so much about my Mom's own family life, plus the things she endured with my father, AND because I'd learned about codependency and alcoholism, I could easily see where these behaviours, these reactions and coping mechanisms, came from. The difference being, my Mom could also be loving, too, so it made it WORTH it for me to overlook alot of it, and erect my own boundaries so I could cope with it on MY terms. Mark may also be right about her having issues with your dad - that would be pretty typical, too. People like this are seldom honest, with others or themselves, so can't solve or resolve anything for themselves, so they use others as scapegoats and don't direct their frustrations on the proper 'targets'. Whoever is in their way, gets it instead. You can learn to stay out of her way, and not react ( at least so she can SEE a reaction ) if you can't avoid her physically, so she will pick another target. She will also learn that you're no longer 'fun' to 'play' with. This will either force her into looking at her own behaviour, or she'll leave you alone more. If you ever choose to tell her how you REALLY feel, make sure you're only doing it to serve yourself, by simply allowing yourself to express your feelings because you've got worth, and not because you think she'll change for your sake.

If it helps, my father was far and away worse than your mom, a completely hopeless case ( I'd try something every few years, just to check, and STILL nada ), which is why I only spoke to him if I HAD to....stayed calm on the surface, but really wanted to just POP him one! He never changed, except to become even MORE as he already was. If your mom has no real redeming factors to offer, then I would be heading in the other direction, as you're not going to change her - she has to want to make her own changes in order to keep you in her life. What I'm really concerned about for you is the juggling act you may have to handle when your father passes, as I assume she'll be at the services. You may have to physically move away from wherever she is in order to not allow her to add to your tears. I know what it's like, Rachael, I really do, and I feel for you because people like this can make you go gray before your time! If you want to protect yourself, you're just going to have to learn how to put yourself first. Keep working on building the kind of life and relationships YOU want, as you're doing, and that will go a long way towards your healing and coping.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

DaughterRachael, this must be getting so difficult for you. Dealing with all the sorrow you must, yet facing her self esteem issues, which are directed at you, I'm concerned for you. Beauty is a social set of values in a society, which effect the norms of the individual. One person has a difficulty fighting this order, and will create turmoil in trying. Seeing where your self-esteem issues are coming from isn't too difficult. Stay in the frame of reference you are establishing. Stay with Tommy, your friends, and those you can trust. I am not telling you to show your Mom dishonor, but to not listen to her ill mannered ways. These will injure your spirit. Listen to Swede, that if you feel you want to address these issues with her, it's to assert your independence as an adult woman now, not her little child. She may never change, which is one of these painful things you will need to resolve in your heart. I'm sorry for this. Please know that we'll always be here to listen and comfort, to guide and offer wisdom, through this journey you now call healing. Thoughts and prayers of peace are with you.

[daughterrachael]

I can't thank you guys enough for listening to me day after day. I almost beleive you have had to go through such tough things to gain the knowledge to pass on to me. I will never doubt in angels ever again, you two are my proof.

[swede1]

Daughterrachael,

Well of COURSE I've gone through these things! lol....otherwise I wouldn't be able to speak of them. While I've made many inroads on self-esteem issues, I'm still not where I want to be with that yet. But you can count on it - if either or both parents had these issues, they will be passed on to their kids. We only teach and model what we know, and if that's unhealthy stuff, then that's what we'll show the world. That's why the only way to break out of such self-defeating patterns is to KNOW THYSELF, educate thyself and WORK at it. It's no fun...UNTIL you see some progress! Thanks for considering me an angel here on earth....I don't think I'm THAT good (lol), but I'd be satisfied to attain sainthood! LOL! ( and by the way, humour is ALSO a good way to heal parts of yourself, if you can muster it, even for a few seconds/day )And listening, or venting, depending on the need, day after day, is what helps us all heal, too.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Yeah, we've been through them. I'd like to have a few of these things not be there. I have others I would never trade. If I wrote it all to you, I doubt you'd believe it. Sometime, when I'm able, I'll tell you all the stuff I've been through. But, be ready, because it's ghastly for a child as young as I was to experience. My heart is in this to help others get through it all and thrive, not just survive. Shower your Dad with love, and share all the time you can with him, even if he is so very ill. You will never once regret these moments - I promise you that. I may not be much of an "angel", but thank you. I have a rusty halo and wooly wings that scratch. (it's from a song). You're a dear spirit. Take the moments of the day and make each the best you can, and fill your part of the world with peace. A big hug for you. Me

[shantellesmom]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. My 17 year old daughter, Shantelle, has been battling osteosarcoma (bone cancer) on and off for almost 5 years. The disease is now in the advanced stage. She has good days and not-so-good days. She hasn't been able to get out of the house much, but today was my birthday and my 3 kids and I went to the movies. I just feel so blessed

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Shantellesmom, happy birthday, and welcome to the forum. This is a great place for all of us to be comforted and to learn from each other as we care for the one we love. I'm caring for my wife, in the last stage of dystrophy. We will listen to you, and help you all we can. Please feel free to write as often as you wish. For the good days, enjoy them like a rainbow, and spend your moments with her. On the not so good days (we have plenty) my approach is to sit with my wife and admire her, read to her, tell her funny stories, or watch a silly old movie. Whatever we do, we go through her rough day together. My favorite thing is watching my wife sleep, when she isn't feeling all the pain, and looking so beautiful - I remember her younger, and healthier, when we had so much fun together. I'm one of those romantics, I guess. lol. My best thoughts and prayers are with you.

[swede1]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

Oh Mark, you're such a loving husband and your wife is very blessed to have you! I'm so glad you were able to have a wonderful anniversary with her. What you said about watching her sleep really touched me, but I have a question about that...how do you manage to stay in the good memories, remembering her as younger and healthier, without going down the dark route of longing and regret for those past times, followed by the fear or dread of her not being there at whatever time later? I find this extremely difficult to do with my furgirl when she's acting old or not having a good day. I just don't get how to effectively DO what you do!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Swede1, I think you call it rose colored glasses. There is always a regret for the past, for some stupid argument we had over the color of the new dishes, or that broken faucet. I have deeper regrets, for not loving her more. She's the one person in all the world I'd die for in a breath. And yet, I want to find how to love her more. My memories are the happy things, her health, a swim in the river behind our property in the mountains, the births of our children, our wedding day (especially fond to me), even the silly "argument" we had when the faucet exploded in the kitchen which soaked her completely. On our wedding day, I saw the most gorgeous woman in the world walking toward me, and I knew I was blessed to be marrying her. I know the future stinks like a dead skunk on a hot August night (okay, I'm a smartmouth). I can't stand the thought of losing this woman. I'm crying while I write this. If I stay in the sorrow, it will own me, and I've seen too many murders and deaths to have that. Maybe my childhood made me strong. I don't know. I crash and spend hours in tears for her, only because I dare to think about the good times. It's not a perfect system, but it's mine. All too soon, I'm going to have nothing but memories, but for now, I'll take the crashes to get what I want. Does this help you understand the mind of a foster kid run amok? You're the greatest. God bless you and your furbaby. Mark

[swede1]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

I don't know if I'd call it rose-coloured glasses so much as wisdom. This is what we're supposed to strive to do ( stay with the GOOD thoughts, not the distressing ones ), but I just find it very difficult, if not impossible, to do most often. Kudos to you for being able to step out of a negative pattern, HOWEVER you make it work!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Swede1, I learned as a teenager to take a hike from my reality and see the beauty in the world. I had to believe there was something good, because there couldn't be this much bad in the world. No one person could face so much evil and survive without seeing something good once in a while. It followed me into my marriage, and I guess that's how I can see my wife looking so pretty even though she's in such pain. Before my uncle died a few years ago (he was so good to me), he gave me the court papers from the shooting. I have yet to look at them. I need to keep them, so I can know it really happened. Who would believe such a thing? Check the survivors thread, please. Someone needs your gracefulness. You're awsome! Thanks for being you.

[shantellesmom]

Hi everyone,

I want to thank you for the welcome here. I'm also wondering if anyone here is going through or has gone through the serious illness of a child/teenager.

The other reason I write is because I'm having difficulty dealing with family members...I know this is a common issue, and I just need to vent. Just to let you all know, my mother is also battling advanced cancer (breast). Just this week we got great news that her liver mets have all but disappeared! Of course, everyone is thrilled. But now, we're getting comments like "ok now we expect there to be a miracle for Shantelle" and "I've been fasting and praying and just know something good is going to happen for Shantelle". Well, I've been a Christian most of my life and have been thrilled with the many blessings we've had over the years, but we've accepted that her life is the way it is. It just really hurts and gets me upset when I hear these comments. So, I sat down and wrote letters to family members about EXACTLY what the situation is! We'll see what happens from here, but I'm not expecting any major changes. It just seems NO ONE really "gets it".

Thanks for listening...

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Shantellesmom, never give up hope. God can answer your prayer at the last moment. I'm joining you in prayer for her. My wife and I are Christians, and so you know, our third daughter, who we lost in miscarriage, we named Chantelle. Hold fast to the hope and faith. If you wish, I'll ask a few of my local churches to join in the prayer too. Mark

[shantellesmom]

Mark, thank you for your sweet response and for your prayers. I'm so sorry about the loss of your little Chantelle. You and your family will be in my prayers as well. Donna, mom to Shantelle

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Donna, we all do our part. Together, we help each other through. Spend all the time you can with her. does she like to hear you read? This will help you in the future. If she likes a certain flower, maybe a small bouquet to cheer her. I don't know if you are into this, but I've seen it work. A frankencense candle will fill a room with the most relaxing fragrance. I can't explain all the reasons for this, but I know it works. It may be worth a try. My thoughts and prayers are for your peace. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Not a good day. My wife lies in hospital, the illness effecting her heart. Her lungs may also be effected. I asked the doctor about how long she'd be staying, and there was no answer. I know all of the meanings to this. How does a man buy a burial site for his wife? Keep your hearts in peace. May all be well with you.

[swede1]

Mark,

I'm so sorry things aren't looking too well for your wife, and you, of course. My thoughts and prayers, and hopefully all of your and your wife's angels are with you both during this mind-boggling time. I am praying for the most peace possible for each of you, for the best outcome for each of your Highest Good...and Someone better be listening to my request.

[slowlyhealing]

Mark,

I know you are going through a really rough time, but know that your Mary and your family are in my prayers. It's getting hard I know, but... God will see you through. He has shown me through with people like you, and even at the moment I wanted to give up... Someone was always there to keep me going.

Love and prayers

Nikki

[shantellesmom]

Oh Mark, I pray that the Lord meets whatever needs your wife and all of your family have during this difficult time. Big hugs, Donna

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Swede1, the hits just keep on coming. I keep thinking of you and praying for you. My two things now the endless feeling of fear, and a hollow thud where my heart was a week ago. I'll make it through this. We don't know if she's going to be able to get through this, or for how long. When I made that vow, I promised til death, and received no guarantee that we'd grow old together and read stories to our grandchildren on the porch. Well, Nikki can tell you, we're grandparents. We may not get to grow old together, but the time we have left is going to be soooooooo sweet. Thank you for all you are and do. Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Donna, thank you for the prayer. We have so many praying, she can't miss right? Care sweetly for Shantelle today. Give her lots of hugs. The time is yours. Give it all to her, and you'll never regret it. hugZ, Mark

[jenyfer]

Evening Everyone.

Before i begin. i just want to say my prayers go out to you, and yours. and hope you find peace and comfort.

a couple weeks ago, i was hit with some bad news about my Auntie. and our Family isnt taking it very well, in our family we are all close. and i mean close i.e. If someone in our family gets hurt, we're all there, if someone in our family gets messed with by someone else. we are all there.

so you can imagine how great of a shock this was to find out.

My auntie only has 6months to live with us here on earth. before she returns home with our lord above. i have known my aunt as far as i can remember. and she has done nothing but make our lives happy.

shes very loyal and generous. and its too bad that cancer is going to take her away from my family. I honestly cant think or focus on nothing more then the fact that my auntie is leaving. it seems not to long ago. i was playing Ninja Turtles with my cousin while his mom (my aunt) was playing cards with her sister and my mom.

the only thing that is going to bother me. Is my daughter isnt going to get the privledge of knowing one of the most amazing woman i have ever known.

- The doctor told us, if she went through Surgery on October 18th 2005 ((* My Daughters 1st Birthday *)) it could shorten her time with us. meaning it will be more shorter then 6months. but it would be a mircle if they got it out so she can be around with us.

so all i am asking from you people is a blessing. i have said my Native American Prayers because thats one thing my aunt taught me was to be proud of my culture. so that one was for her. but please October 18th 2005. please say a prayer for my auntie. and in hopes the surgery goes well.

Thank you all for your time and patience.

Sincerely*

Jenyfer Age 19yrs Ont, Canada

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Jenyfer, I am so deeply sorry for all you are going through. I will be in prayer, and ask not only church, but tribal council for prayer. My family is Abenake from Quebec and northern part of eastern US. Draw strength from your family, and your close friends, who will stay by your side and let you express your sorrow without social judging. Please feel free to write often, and please let us know how your aunt is doing through the time ahead.

My story is that my wife is now seriously ill with dystrophy, and it can be fatal without warning. You can read of my wife in the widow forum, and my daughter in the adult child forum.

May you be given peace by the Great Spirit. Follow your heart, while you shower your aunt with your love. You will always be thankful for this. My thought and prayers are with you.

[swede1]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

How is your dear wife doing now? Is she back at home? And of course, how are YOU doing today/this week? I've been thinking about the both of you and wondering how you're holding up.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thanks for asking. She's home again, and still weak. She's pretty much given up hope fighting this illness. She's so tired and weak from it, I'm worried she'll give up completely. I'm tired, but at least getting a little rest once in a while. I'm getting so buggy about Sunday, Jenni's birthday. I can't believe the stress and other wild feelings I'm going through. I'm spending the day with Ali, her half sister. I caught your other post. Sounds like your getting into some heavy emotions, so take it easy. Do those little things for you, so you feel special. You are. I'm praying. Mark

[swede1]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

Oh Mark, I feel SO bad for you, having all these stressors to deal with on top of your griefs. The worry and anxiety from bearing witness to someone's dying is so very draining, words are inadequate for it....but I know. I, too, am feeling the strain from my Mom's upcoming B-Day, just one day after Jenni's, so each of our misery has company in each other there. I'm glad you have her half-sister at least, to be with on that day. I'll be alone in the house ( except for my furgirl, of course ), which is probably for the best, as my husband usually tries his best to disappear when I'm doing my little rituals in memory of one of the three. My something special, for myself, will be to have a cup of coffee or tea in my Mom's china, sit and read more of her letters that I'd thankfully saved most of, light a candle, play my sad CD's and whatever else comes up that I feel like doing in her memory....unless of course, someone interrupts this process, or my gal wants to play! (lol) Or I may even decide to bake one of her special treats instead, or along with. Something, anything, it all counts, it all helps.

Did you ever manage to get that book by Stephen Levine that I'd mentioned long ago? I don't know...you might find it both helpful but somewhat upsetting, but it IS quite the education in BEING with loved ones who are dying, especially for lengthy illness. If I get time, I'll look up some things in it that may help you and your wife during this time. God bless and try to get more rest.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Swede1, I had to finally order that book. Can you believe in a city of a million people, no one can find it? I don't understand how your husband can not be involved in the matters of your heart. I'm sorry if this is upsetting. I can't do that to my wife. If it's important to her, I'm there. I think this will play against me when she passes, because I'm so attached, connected, and bound to her. Have your rituals and even celebrate a little for your Mom on her birthday. I will be on the puter for a while on Monday, so if you need to talk to someone, feel free. I'd even be willing to let you have my number, if it would help you. Take care of yourself, and do those little specials to make yourself feel good about being you. I'm always here for a friend

[swede1]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

I'll be writing about my Mom's birthday 'celebration' under Anniversaries, etc. in Loss of a Parent forum, but just wanted to shortly say here ( cuz this is off topic for this forum ) that my husband came through with flying colours, God bless him!

ON topic, how are you and your wife doing and have you made any decisions about where you're going to be during her treatment? ( And off-topic again...Happy Birthday, Jenni! You're dad loves you very much! )

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thank you for thinking of my whole family, Swede1. Because the doctor likes to have the spouse watching the patient for subtle changes, I'm staying in the city while she's in hospital. I hate hotels so much (I hate being away from my children more, but they have school and work and friends). There will be no hiding that I'm scared. This is such a dangerous situation. Oh, I love being with Ali, Jenni's sister. She's a little charm to visit with. I'll stay in touch while we're out of town.

[swede1]

Someone just posted this under the Reincarnation forum here, but I've taken a look and it also deals with death, dying and helping someone else who is dying. It might be worth a look for anyone afraid of death and dying, and what happens to us all upon physical death. Me, I've put it on my Christmas wish list. You can read the posting in its entirety in that forum - here I've just listed the last piece of info.

"Information can be found at www.easydeathbook.com

More information can be found at www.adidam.org and www.beezone.com"

[shantellesmom]

I've only posted a few times here, but I have to report that my daughter, Shantelle, passed away Nov. 9th. I will now be posting to the grieving boards. Thanks to those who welcomed me here. Donna

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Donna, I am so very sorry. My prayers will be with you for peace in your heart. Mark