My loved one is going to die

[helpingafriend]

Hi, I am new to this site, found it thru a search engine. Just a question in regards to a male friend of mine whose mother is terminally ill with cancer. She has been battling this since September. My friend is getting very stressed in his life, which I'm sure is very normal. His mother has come home basically to be there til the end. The family is taking turns being there with mom. My friend also has a wife and 2 children of his own and still must go to work and keep somewhat of a normal life. Just wondering if anyone has any suggestions or websites or anything that could help him. He feels as if he is stressed to the max, and has just totally lost it. Said he is starting to feel angry with everything and feeling violent. (him and his wife do not have a great relationship) Any help?

[lauraa]

Helpingafriend,

I am sorry your friend is strugglign so. I would imagine if he is feeling violent then he is feeling helpless and things are all bottled up to the point he feels like exploding. I think a therapist would help if he was open to it and if it would be the right therapist? I would encourage him to spend as much time with his mom if he can because after she passes he will wish he had. And, just sitting with him and letting him talk would probally be the best and also letting him know he can whenever he feels he is ready to explode. Just be a good friend and listen. Maybe asking a professional also could help and see if they have any suggestions. Does he talk with his siblings? Maybe if you gave him this web-site it would help...it has helped me tremendously after loosing my husband......Good luck!

[amandagsd]

I can't believe I am about to post this but I have no where else to go. I am in NJ visiting my dying Grandmother. She was diagnoised with terminal brain cancer last January. I live in Oregon so I haven't gotten to spend much time with her. It has been a rough year but I thought that I had come to terms with it but being here...is so hard. I lay awake at night knowing that this is the last time I will see her. My husband is home so I just have family that I am not that close too. She is the one I always talked to. It is all Ican do to be cheerful and helpful all day without breaking down. I am so tired of being brave. My heart is breaking

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Amandagsd, I'm sorry this is happening to your grandmother. With distance (emotionally) in a family, comfort and support can be difficult to receive. Your grandmother knows how ill she is. When I lost my grandfather, we talked openly of his death. I learned from him that it's okay to not be brave and strong sometimes. It's okay to cry with your grandmother. She won't be saddened as much as comforted by the depth of love you show her through your tears. It's okay to sit on the couch and cry with one of your family. You don't need to be the one cheerful and helpful all the time. You can let them shower a little of this on you too. After all, she's your grandma too.

Take gentle care of yourself. Please feel free to write whenever you wish. I'm sorry we didn't respond faster to your post. I've been preoccupied with my wife's illness (final stage of dystrophy). We'll keep you in thought and prayer.

[momsbabygirl]

My brother-in-law was diagnosed with Cancer in 2002. He was told then he had 6-9 months to live. Three and a half years later, he's still with us and still going strong. He's done amazingly well with his treatments and even his doctors can't explain why he's done so well. Just before Christmas this past year, the doctors told him that they've exhausted all forms of 'regular' treatment. The Cancer is still there. He's now being reviewed for possible experimental trials. I just can't bear to talk about it with my family anymore. I want to pretend it's not happening. I want to be supportive of my sister and her kids but I just can't handle the emotional toll. I had major surgery last year and before I could fully recover from that, I lost my mother last Summer to a sudden heart attack...she was everyone's rock and suddenly she was gone. A few weeks ago, I lost someone very close to me and my husband to Cancer and now this...we are trying to stay positive because he's made it this far but I just don't know how much more strength I can put into being supportive....

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Momsbabygirl, I am so deeply sorry for you having been through so much loss. Please try to get the rest you need, and do little things just for you. Sometimes, we reach that point of being unable to emotionally deal with any more loss. It's not a personal weakness, but the fact that we're human, and we become emotionally overwhelmed by losing those we love. Last year, I learned that my daughter, who was adopted, had been killed by a rapist. On top of that, my wife is fighting with one of the dystrophies, and is in the final stage of it's "progression". I found myself emotionally drained to a point of being unable to care for her. We asked for some outside help, which gave me time to rest and work on my own grief. This helped me greatly. Now, I can care for my wife more, which is something I do happily, and with pride. Talking about these issues is also helpful. It releases the feelings so we don't have to own them in our souls. I'm here to listen, to lend a suggestion, or whatever you may need. Hope you have a good night, and a better day tomorrow.

[momsbabygirl]

alwaysmyjennifer ~ Thank you for your kind words of support. I am so sorry for your loss and for what you are going through with your wife's illness. I do find comfort in visiting this board and sharing my thoughts and feelings. I've had many losses in my life but none has done to me emotionally what the loss of my mother has done. She was the one I could talk to about anything and everything and I just don't feel that connection with anyone else. Times like this were her specialty. She could always talk me through the rough times. My sister and mother-in-law have been trying to fill the hole that has been left, but it's just not the same...and never will be. I do try to be strong when on the phone with my sister but when I hang up, I just feel so drained. Thanks for listening.....

[DianeS]

This is the first time I've posted here. In fact, I just found this particular forum this evening. My father is in the end stages of Pulmonary Fibrosis and it really does feel like we're in limbo. He's been battling this disease for going on 6 years, which is amazing in itself. This past June we were told by his physician to begin talking about "end care" and really thought we had only a few weeks at the most with him. Here it is mid-February and in many ways he is better that he was last summer. It is just amazing. We are so very blessed to still have him with us, but I have to admit that the roller coaster is really hard. My mom died 16 years ago only 5 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. With mom it was so hard saying good-bye after such short notice, but we used that time to the fullest and when she died I knew I'd told her everything I wanted to tell her. Of course now there are a million things I'd love to tell her, but those few weeks were a gift. My dad is so different. He is a warm, caring, generous man, but he is a man of few words when it comes to the really important things. I want so badly to be able to have that kind of opportunity to say all we want/need to say, but fear that it isn't going to happen. He's a fighter and although he knows how serious this disease is, is not giving up, therefore he doesn't talk open the door for the kind of conversations I'd like to have with him. I fear that by the time he's ready, it will be too late.

Limbo is a tough place to be, isn't it? You feel like you are stuck in neutral at times. I find it difficult to plan any trips or even plan anything without feeling like I can't go too far. I know we can't live that way though.

Thanks for letting me vent a little bit tonight.

DianeS

[momsbabygirl]

DianeS ~ I lost my mother very suddenly to a massive heart attack last Summer. One of my best friends who's father was battling Cancer at the time said to me, "it was good that she went so quickly because I watch my father die a little more each day and it's just so hard." She lost her Dad this January and I have to say that having seen it from both sides, I really can't say which is "better". I would have loved the chance to tell my mother everything I ever wanted to tell her, but that was a chance I never got. I did tell her I loved her everytime I talked to her and there was an unspoken bond between us, so I guess I just have to know that in her heart she knew all that she had to know. I still think that given the chance, I would want to sit down and tell her everything I ever wanted her to know.

If you feel that need with your Dad, than do it. Even if you are the one doing all of the talking. I'm sure he'll understand your need to do this.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

DianeS, please accept the empathy and sorrow we share with you as you face this time. I completely understand the wild ride of emotions. For the last five years, we've bene through this with my wife's battle with dystrophy. She's been in the last stage for about a year, which shows her amazing strength. Like you, there are things left to say, but not as much with her as with her family. When we get our feelings out in the open, and say what we want to, there is a feeling of peace and comfort that comes from saying what's on our hearts. We also face a lot of fear during a long term illness. My greatest fear isn't that my wife is dying, but that she and I will be separated by death (by anything). It's deeper than fear alone, more like a dread, panic, terror, or however it can be described. Since I've also lost my 21 year old daughter, I know that we always feel like there's something else to say, one more hug, one more holiday, and so many other things. Somehow, we seem to be given the peace and strength to carry on. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. May you need be yours.

[Guest Guest]

My Mom has terminal cancer. This weekend she has gone into Hospice care. Mom says she will be coming home as soon as she is stronger. They have given her 3 months but in the past 3 weeks the decline has been very rapid. about Christmas she started becoming much weaker. The past month has really gotten bad and she has gotten to the point of not being able to remain at home. My Mom has lived alone for several of years & always has been a strong independent person. My Dad died suddenly when she was 36 and now she is 80 & left her with myself & my four brothers to raise. I live 800 from miles from my mom but we talked on line or the phone everyday up until right after Christmas. After that she seemed to want to spend most days resting or doing nothing. She has now reached the point were she eats very little a forkful or 2 at a meal, she no longer can walk without being helped, sleeps a large part of the day, has to wear a diaper pants, is to weak to hold hardback book to read. Mom seems to get easily confused. All of us kids except my youngest brother live in other states. I call everyday but and I just was there for the weekend but its impossible for me to just go there & stay. I have children & a job here.

I do call everyday but she only wants to talk a minute or 2 than is very tired and tells me she doesn't feel well. It bothers me she has no interest in eating.

I am really having a hard time accepting that she is dying & seeing her so helpless. I feel very guilty that I cannot be there everyday. I will be making trips back & forth as much as I can. I feel so helpless I keep feeling that I should be doing something to help her & I don't know what I can do. I feel a lot of anger because there isn't anything to cure her, I feel helpless, frustrated & guilty because I can't make it better for her. Sorry to ramble but I needed to just get this out

[DeeAnn]

Dear Guest....

***hugs*** What a tough situation you're in. It's so difficult to be far away when something like this is going on. I have experienced that in the past, and it can tear you apart. I can understand the guilt you're feeling, although you're doing everything you possibly can. The limitations created by distance are a part of life that can't be ignored, but it is simply reality. It's so obvious from your post that there is a very deep love you have for your mom. I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. Please know that this is a safe place for you to talk about those feelings, and we will help you through this as best we can. Let us know how you're doing.

DeeAnn

[deedon]

I am so overwhelmed with this site. The topics that you can respond to here are very important to a persons heart and soul. I have a story to tell also about my husband and his condition but I just haven't been able to express the situation and feelings. I want to express my prayers of strength to all of you and thank you for giving me some comfort in finding you.

[Guest Guest]

Hello all. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.

My sister is at home in hospice and her husband is her primary caregiver. He has been her advocate and has taken care of her ever since she was diagnosed in 2000. They have been a blessing to each other for many years and are very much in love. Unfortunately, my sister's cancer now seems to have spread to her brain. She is quite paranoid and delusional and not trusting of her husband anymore... accusing him of trying to kill her, of having affairs, etc... He spends every waking hour caring for her and does not get much sleep. He says that he can separate the person from the illness but it is quite evident that the verbal attacks are hurting him deeply. It is just not a healthy place for him to be right now... Does anybody have experience in such matters? Is there any advice you can give me that I might be able to pass along to him?

[deedon]

I really don't now where to start this to you. I have tried several times and then I had to stop. I guess I don't want to sound like I am rollin in self pity for the fact my husband is dying and I am having a problem with this. Some days we get along so well and I can say I do love my husband and then somedays he can be a a@# and I can't deal with all he gives me. I then on those days think why!?

My husband has idiopathic lung fibrosis. Idiopathic means "np known cause". We know why and we can not do anything about it. Not enough proof on paper to show in the legal aspect of it. My husband was a welder and he had to contend with poor ventilation and smoke, gringing dust and paint fumes. Well anyways to continue he is now disabled an on oxygen almost 24/7. Our relationship is getting more difficult and I also worry about him. I know he is in a depression also. About 5 years ago we were told of his condition and told then his condition "Could be terminal". Now we are facing him in the dying process which was told to us right before Christmas 2005. His mood swings and short temper and his low tolerance gets hard to bear. I have to say has gotten some what better but alot of damage had already been done. I am not happy about this. He also knows how I feel as the day with the drs we had to have a open discussion and I let it all out. I work outside the home and I worry about coming home some days and somedays the opposite. He won't take any counceling but I have been talking to our pastor and now I have here. I just don't know what is what from day to day. I feek stressed to no end and I know my husband also is feeling some awful things. I ask him questions but he won't explain to me about his feelings or thoughts. I try to do what I can to help him be comfortable and to keep peace.We have children and they are all grown but they to see and has experienced some oh his actions.Each day is something different of his condition. He told the drs that he knew he is dying but it is me who needs to understand this. It isn't something to take lightly. Only time I guess is the answer. I am told I need to grow independence. How do I do this? I want to know and learn. I never know when his accusations will take hold. I have never given reason to be this way. Why now?

well I want to thank you for letting me write here. I will be obliged to anyones comments and thoughts.

[wonderdocs]

Hello Everyone,

I just got off an amazing call with Kelly, the incredible moderator of this site and board. She has given me permission to post here, and I am doing so now. I am looking for subjects for our documentary series on the personal issues people face at the end of their life. Our aim is to CELEBRATE life, while examining the individual and family dynamics that surround illness, and break the taboos that surround the subject of death. We are looking for people (patients) and their friends and families to speak on camera about their experiences. Our aim is to make an honest, uplifting, reverent show. Will you speak to us?

Warmly,

Danya

email wonderdocs@yahoo.com

phone 323-603-6300 ext. 253

[kathy714]

Hi,to all,my name is Kathy and i have never been to this forum,i usually post on death of a adult child because i loss my son Nathan on his 21st birthday 1/31/2005.My husband now has cancer and actually has had it since 2002,on and off,first he had rectal ca,he had rad tx,surgery and then chemo,then he was cancer free for almost 2 years,Nov,2004 he had routine f/u ct scan that showed 6 cm tumor on his liver ,he had more surgery,they removed half his liver,then more chemo for 6 months,now he has spots on his lung,so they just finished another series of chemo tx.The anxiety of losing him is really starting to get to me ,i just thought i would post here so i could vent.T/C YOU ARE ALL IN MY PRAYERS

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Kathy714, I'm so sorry you are going through this with your husband. With my wife in the final stage of the illness she fights, and losing my daughter after being raped, I've been through so many of the emotions of the terrible thing we face. My prayers are with you. Please vent any time you need. We'll always listen.

[kathy714]

Dear Alwaysmyjennifer,thank you for your prayers,i remember you from the other forum,i am so sorry to hear your wife is also ill,i will pray for you both.My husband just had another ct scan yesterday,and will find out the results next wed.,my anxiety level is through the roof,i keep telling myself that God wouldn't do this to me twice,but deep down i really know that it does and can happen again,so i am just trying to prepare myself to be strong,and to be ready for any news i get wed,Thanks for listening...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Kathy, I'll keep prayers for you both through the week, that you can maybe get good news from the ct. Please try to take care of yourself through this. Anxiety runs us ragged, and we're like a spectator at a car race, helpless when that racecar starts sliding out of conttrol. Try to sense that, even though this is what it is, God is in control. I don't know why He allows such things to happen, especially to such a good person like you. If the feelings of anxiety continue, perhaps you would be able to get something from the doctor, so you can be able to rest, and then be able to care for your husband even better. With me, my doctor was worried I'd have another heart attack, so he gave me pills to calm things down. Fortunately, I'm feeling much better. This is a difficult journey. Be as patient as you can be. We're always here for you. Mark

[kathy714]

Hi Mark,i wanted to let you know the results of John's test,sorry i haven't had a chance to get on sooner.We saw the docter wed. and he said 1 spot is gone ,two have gotten smaller and one stayed the same,so they want to do 4 more cycles ,if John can tolerate them.Maybe everyone's prayers are working....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Kathy, I'm so excited to hear this! We'll keep all the prayers going for him. John isn't alone in the fight. Keep the faith, and listen to the doctors. It sounds like you're on the right track. Mark

[Guest Guest]

Hi

I'm new to this site and was really moved that there are people who think and care about others.Sorry to divert but I need some help.

My mum was diagnosed with advanced colon and liver cancer over the christmas period last year. We were devastated as a family cause mum is the centre of our family. We are six children in all the youngest being 23.

At the moment she's in such a terrible state. Me and my sisters agreed to take care of her at home cause she doesn't like hospitals and this last week became practically bedridden. She doesn't want to eat, talk, drink or make an effort to get up and we all are at our wit's end as to what to do to help her. She is still taking intravenous chemo every week but The doctors aren't monitoring her progress since there is no hope. Three of my sisters got married last year and finally we thought we can take a bit care of mum who had to work all her life to make ends meet since we are a big family.

I can't imagine my life without her, cause we do everything together but at the same time I can't stand see her suffer so much and not being able to do anything. In just three months she lost more than half her weight and is just an aching skeleton. She never had any symptoms re this kind of cancer and the doctors informed us that this is usually hereditary but we're sure no one in our family died of colon cancer.

I'm still trying to come to grips with another death, that of my partner's son who died last November aged 18 of aplastic anemia. Sometimes I just want to dig a hole and bury myself in it now after all that's were we all end.

I'm a religious person but at times like this I keep asking why all this suffering and why my mum too now. She was really looking forward to retirement to do the things she wanted to do and now, two years after retireing she was diagnosed with cancer and given only a few months to live.

She doesn't know that time is running out it's a decision we all took not to tell her otherwise she wouldn't have lived this long either. She's all the time asking us if she's dying and we all hate lying to her but what can we tell her! She's only 65 but since being diagnosed looks like a 99yr old.

How can we help her and ourselves? We're all the time locking ourselves in the bathroom and crying our eyes out. I just can't accept it and feel I'm fighting for mum when mum at this stage just wants to give up.

Please help!!

Thanks and God Bless you all, will keep you all in my prayers

Cryptina

[Guest Guest]

My dad is diagnosed with metatstic colon cancer and his doctored said at best he has 22 months to live. I am only 24 years old and at age 11 my mom died of breast cancer. I'm not sure if there are people that have gone through what I am going through right now but if they did how did they deal with it? I find myself asking why alot. I'm not religious person but I do believe in god and consider myself a good person and my family as good people. My dad is awesome father who idealizes what a dad should be. He literally came over to the U.S. with nothing and worked his blue collar job to save enough money so my sister and I could go to college without loans. He gave up vacations, new cars, new house after my mom died so we could have a good college education. My mom worked to assist incoming immigrants in the community to settle in the US. She even won award for duties for the community. The thing that is killing me is that I will never be able to repay for my dad the sacrifices he has made for me. I am in medical school and won't have time nor money to take my dad on the trips he deserves, cars he deserves, or see the grandchild named after him. This should be the time that my dad kicks backs and let me take care of him. There is the line "everything happens for a reason" or "god has a plan for everyone" but I don't see it. I understand life is unfair but who here knows of someone before the age 25 losing both parents to a slow disease like cancer. I keep trying to remind myself that there are people worse than me so I don't self pity myself too much but its hard. I don't know why I'm writing this: maybe to vent, maybe pity myself, maybe i just need professional help who knows.

[Guest Guest]

Hi, This is the first time I have posted hearing. My Husband of 33yr of age is dying of Synovial Sarcoma metastasize. We have been fighting this for 5 years; he has lost his right leg to the cancer. It is now in his lungs for the second time. Now we have been a pointed a palliative care team. The pressure is enormous; I have so many conflicting feelings. I do not even know how to start. I wanted to go to a support group but I could not find any in Denver Co at my young age of 30.

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone.

This is my first post. My father is currently dying of multiple myeloma/liver cancer and is in hospice care. To be honest, he is in such bad condition, I don't think he will last the week.

He was diagnosed in June of 2002. He had done well with the cancer treatments, but it has been a roller coaster from day one.

I guess I am reaching out for help today. The grief is so overwhelming. I feel like I am losing myself I am so sad. My father and I are so close, and it is the worst pain the world to watch him suffer the way he is. He is so disoriented and sickly I don't think he ever knows who I am at this point.

I am only 25 years old. I am too young to lose my father. We have so much fun together. How can this be happening to me? Why did he have to get cancer? I don't understand why this has happened.

Anyway, I have had enough today..I just drove 5.5 hours home and I need to rest. Peace and love to everyone who is losing a family member. XOXO

-PA

[alwaysmyjennifer]

to our guests. I am so deeply sorry you are facing this painful and difficult time. The ones we are losing places us in a nearly impossible situation. Please come here to write about your feelings, the illnesses, whatever is on your mind. We're here to help each other, to comfort and listen. Sometimes, just by saying what we need to release from our souls, we find comfort and peace within. For the Denver area, if I can find a support group, I'll let you know.

I understand the thoughts you express. You are young, yes, too young to think such things should be happening. I'm a little older than you, but watching my wife failing in her health, giving in to a disease that will ultimately take her life, still feels like torture. We don't accept death as the "normal course" until at least the age of 75. Even then, it still hurts. May you all find the comfort you need through this time. I'll be here to listen.

[sarahj2]

Hello-

My sis (age 42 on 5/8) has stage IV lung ca (non-smoker) dx 1/05 with several mets to the brain dx 3/06. She has maxed out on radiation to her brain and is currently doing chemo to slow the lung ca growth. She is married and has 2 wonderful daughters (ages 16 & 18)

She has asked me to be her hospice caregiver when the time comes, which i feel will be within weeks, the past 6 weeks have been a spiral downhill battle with her health issues. She can no longer work (RN) or drive and is on O2 the majority of the time.

I feel like I'm just "watching the game from the sidelines, waiting for the subs to be called in" She is currently doing OK, very independent and says that she will need me to take care of her later...the problem is, I want to be there now, to share the good times and bad.

This waiting "game" is horrible, I feel so helpless right now. Any suggestions?

Her 2 girls and my kids are very close, they are all showing signs of grief-is there a term for pre-grief?

Thanks for listening! Sarah

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sarah, I'm sorry I've been delayed in writing. Been busy with family things over the weekend. I'm sorry hearing of the things you are facing. I am going through this with my wife, who is in the end stage of her illness. We've been dealing with this for five years, so I know how it feels with the waiting game. When you're together, try to not dwell on the illness and the present as much as the happy life of closeness you've shared. Let her enjoy the fun and games things with all the children together. This is good for her, you, and them. "Pregrief" is a real situation with us who survive the passing of a loved one. Our grief is real, ever present, and as deep as the sorrow we experience after a loved one's death. Children experience grief in a dramatic way. They don't understand it as we do, so they can be explosive at times. Just go with the flow, but be sure they understand you won't accept violations of rules, just because they are grieving. You may need to become a little lax about certain behaviors, but children need structure, and this helps them maintain control of their emotions. Again, my apologies for not being here over the weekend. Go by your instinct, and you'll do well with the children's grief. We're always here to listen and help.

[Guest Guest]

My husband has a spine disease that may be inoperable. We have been waiting since the end of March for a specialist to work him into his appointment scheduling. He finally has an appointment the end of May, which means it would be even longer for surgery to be done. He is in a lot of pain, the disease is progressing rapidly and the longer we wait the more likely he won’t make it to surgery. All the indications are that IF he survives surgery he may be wheelchair bound, quadriplegic or a vegetable. We have made final plans as much as possible, but that isn’t the problem. I can see him getting worse as each day goes by. I want to make him as comfortable as possible, but he gets frustrated or embarrassed or something – I don’t know. Nothing I do is right and lately we fight a lot. I don’t want our last words to be harsh, but when I refuse to fight by biting my tongue I have to sit and listen to him yell that I am stupid, I don’t care about anyone but myself, if I loved him . . . ., I need to grow up and I don’t have long to get my act together, etc. He doesn’t sleep much due to the pain, I don’t sleep much due to him finding reasons to wake me up whether I am snoring, tossing too much, etc. Feels like I wake up to yelling and go to sleep to yelling. I am getting where I hate going home after work. We have four children (son - 22 and newly married, son – 17 a senior this year, daughter – 16 wanting her license and daughter – 12 excellent student who adores her dad). I worry about what they are going through as well – overall they seem to be fine, but then no matter what they want they get from him. Old rules of no TV, games or sleepovers on school nights is a thing of the past if they simply ask their dad. Money is tight and I am trying to cut down on eating out – no matter what I plan for supper, if one of the kids wants fast food instead – he tells me to go ahead and get what they want. Later of course I get fussed at when bills aren’t paid, etc. It is a catch 22 and I feel guilty that sometimes it makes me almost mad because he is nicer to the kids than he is to me. I understand that he has to vent and I catch it (better me than the kids), but sometimes it just seems like it is more than I can stand. He has even told me to leave, which of course, he doesn’t mean and there is no way for me to leave anyway. I love him dearly and don’t want him to die thinking that I hate him because I don’t but he refuses to acknowledge my love. Our 17 year old said something the other day that concerns me a little – I think he was trying to make me feel better after one of my husband’s tirades. My son said, “I’m going to talk to him because he can say mean things and not have to “live” with it, but if you say mean things you will live with it after he dies. It isn’t fair for him to say stuff. . . .” I convinced him not to say anything because I want the kids relationship and last memories to be pleasant as far as them getting along. I just wish they didn’t have to hear the yelling.

This weekend he told me that I couldn't go to the doctor's appointment with him because he only has probably 30 to 45 days to live and he doesn't want to spend it arguing with me. When I tried to tell him that I really wanted to go to the appointment with him because he wasn't the only one going through this and I wanted to be there for him. To this he yelled, "See you just have to argue about everything. It is all about you and what you want. Well, I am tired of it and am not going to put up with it anymore".

He has already purchased a ring for one daughter to remember him by and is searching for a specific necklace for the other daughter to remember him by. He hasn't mentioned his plans for our two sons, but I'm sure he will be getting something for them as well. This tells me that he is planning his death everyday and may have given up to the point that he won't make it through surgery, etc.

Please pray that he will somehow realize how much love there is for him and somehow make him more receptive to my attempts to help make things easier for him. If he does only have 30 to 45 days left to live, which could very likely be true - I don't want him to die hating me or feeling that I hate him. Is there a magic solution to this problem?

[sarahj2]

Mark-

Thanks for your words of encouragement and kindness. Especially the tips about dealing with the kids.

I'm struggling today, as sis is in ER, waiting to be "tapped" (Lung Cancer-fluid build-up) she hopes to have the procedure done and come home, but might need to stay a few days. Since her husband is working & I'm working...she had her retired mother-in-law take her to the hospital. I'd stop the world to help her, but she doesn't want to inconvience anyone...I want to help!!!

anyways...thanks again for everything!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sarah, I'll keep a prayer for your sister while she recovers from this. She's fortunate to have such a caring sis as you. Over the last five years of dealing with my wife's illness, I've seen characteristics in people facing a terminal illness. Some are clingy, begging anyone and everyone to help them. There are others, like your precious sister, and like my wife, who would never ask for help, even though their bodies are weak and racked with pain. Our hearts are often stressed by cares to the breaking point. But, we are so blessed to share this time of pregrief with such precious people. I believe they are helping us adjust and ease ourselves into the next steps of grieving. Feel free to write anytime. I wasn't here last night . . . migraine headache. . . but I'm usually here daily. I'm always here to listen, no matter what it is you want to talk about. Take good care of yourself. You deserve it. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark

[sarahj2]

Question: Does anyone feel "alone" during this phase of your life? My sister has always been my rock and my support, now with her sick I don't want to burden her with my thoughts and fears, which are small compared to hers.

My mom is my other best friend and she is likewise struggling, with the fear of her daughter passing away and her own health issues.

My husband is AWESOME, but works many many hours, my kids are younger(9 & 13).

I guess I'm trying to say that it is hard to be the strong one all the time, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, with being the cheerleader, the caregiver, the sister, daughter, mother, wife, sister-in-law...

I'm so glad to have found this website!

Mark-I'll likewise be praying for you!

Sarah

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sarah, feeling alone and lonely are in some ways different, others very much the same. I like the solitude of being on the road, where I meditate on what's important in my life, and write from my heart to my family. As my wife's health has deteriorated over the last five years, I've felt the unpleasant and unnerving isolation that only the grieving can know. In all truth, most of my friends, and what little family ever talked to me, have seemed to vanish into thin air. At times, I may feel like there is absolutely nobody left on earth to talk to or cry with. There are times I feel hopelessly abandoned. Whatever stage of grief we are in, we need someone in whom we can confide. It's not how many friends, as long as there's just one who cares enough to let you be yourself and grieve in your own way. I'm not close to my own family, but for me, I met a few precious friends here who share my tears and fears. Let your heart be comforted in knowing that our grief does subside, and our pain gets less. There are many dark days ahead, but not forever. We're always here to listen, to talk, to care. My prayers are yours. Mark

[pawpawsairplane]

To everyone,

I was the guest who wrote about my father with multiple myeloma and liver cancer. I am so sad to say he passed into God's arms on May 4th at 2:10am.

He was the greatest man I have ever known and will be sorely missed by all.

I love you Dad. Rest in Peace.

[momofjoy]

Well, we have made it through another weekend and my Grandmother is still fighting and remaining with us. She was diagnosed with lung and colon cancer in January 2006. We were told that she had 2 weeks to 2 months. It is now 4 months later!

I am an hour and a half away from her and don't have a car. I have been able to see her a few times since she has become ill. I really treasure those times with her. I am hoping to get there this week but I am not sure. It's been a month since I last saw her.

She was so frail and so weak and tiny.

I am journalling my grief experience but it is eally hard sometimes. The emotions can be so overwhelming and they are complicated by family feuds. Yippee. 2 Years ago we burried my brother, three years ago my husband and I lost our first and only baby. Whew... You would think by now Iwould be a pro at dealing with grief.

Tonight is actually a good night. I feel strong. Last night was a teary one. I never know from one minute to the next what I will feel. If not or my faith and the support of my pastors I would be toast.

Sometimes the hardest part is the waiting. The phone rings and my heart sinks. Especially if it is a long distance ring. I struggle with guilt sometimes because I just want it all to be over. I don't want her to suffer and be in pain but I also selfishly want the conflict with the family and the grief to be over too. That can be hard to deal with.

Oh well.... live and learn I guess!

[momofjoy]

I made it to see my Grandma today. I was there about 2 hrs and took a break for dinner. She is gone.

[seattleraven]

Um. Not sure what to say. This is my first time using this kind of service. Basically, my mom is extremely ill with COPD and CHF. She's depressed, tired, hurting, and very defeatist when she talks to me lately. She lives about 3, 4 hours north of me. We chat over MSN during the day. For example, I plan on going up to see her at the end of June. (when I can next afford it). I said I was looking forward to it, her reply was "If I'm still around."

I know in my head what I'm feeling is normal, that it's ok that I'm angry that she'd not trying harder, that being defeatist will hasten the end. I've worked in ERs and nursing homes, the physical parts of care and death don't bother me. But I'm having difficulty emotionally facing the fact that it's very possible I won't have her soon. I'm an only child, and she'd been divorced most of my life. She's only recently lived with (about 5 years now) a great man, one I'm proud to call dad. It's gonna devastate him, but I have no idea if I'll be able to help him. I'm going to try to get her to pre-plan as much as possible, but I'm also afraid that'll depress her further.

Not really sure what else to say.

Meg

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Meg, I am so deeply sorry you must face losing your precious mom. Before I attempt answering you, I will tell you my wife is struggling with one of the dystrophies, a very painful disease, and terminal. They are walking a path set for them by the illnesses they fight. During the journey, they pass through various emotions, acceptance, denial, fear, and anger. My wife has grown now to accept that she has this illness, and will die from it. We have learned to live within and accept the twists and turns of the process, so she can have as comfortable life as possible. While you and I may sometimes find their replies and level of acceptance unpleasant or unsettling, the illnesses and our loved ones are what and who they are, and we are all going through some very significant changes. I hope you can be patient and loving, and very gentle with your mom. For her, maybe saying "if I'm still around" is her way of accepting what is ahead, or maybe it's a defiant stand against what lies ahead. If she accepts this, she will be able to live more peacefully for the remainder of her days with you. My wife has been fighting the dystrophy for over five years, and I will only say that each day is painful for me. I shall all too soon lose my loving friend, companion, and soul mate. Yet, I'm trying to also be calm and peaceful about everything for her, so her transitions are more peaceful and less painful. I pray my words have helped you in some way. I will keep prayers for you and your mom. May you have all you need for the moment and the day. Mark

[suelowe]

i wish i'd have come across this 2 years ago!! i had incredibly mixed emotions about my mother coming to the end of her life. i'd never felt such anxiousness in all my life. i asked God when would it all end because i couldn't go on. A diet fit for a snail, not knowing whether i was coming or going, it went on. i wanted so much to be near her, but i couldn't be near her for fear of losing her before my eyes. i couldn't do anything but pace up and down like a blue-bummed fly. everytime she coughed, i feared the worst.

if i could turn the clock back now, id stay with her, we could both listen to music and i'd say thank you for your love and tell her how much i love her.

Anyone going through similar situations at this time,as hard as it seems, take one minute/one hour at a time. it's very difficult for the loved one who is about to pass on, and its also very difficult for those people around caring for them. Rest if you need to, cry, scream, punch a pillow....try and breathe.try and eat food that feels/tastes good and nourishes you.

hugs and warm thoughts xx

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue thank you for writing such beautiful words. I can't imagine anything worse than waiting for death. My wife and I have endured over five years of this nightmare, wondering which breath will be her last, which stroke will take her from me, or even what will be next in this wretched illness. Oh, I have plenty of emotions, and then some to spare. If I could turn back the clock, I think I'd want to fall more deeply in love with her. There is nothing in this life more painful and stressful than this day, this hour, whatever day or hour it is. Honestly, I feel like they just get worse. All of what you wrote, even the fly thing, I understand and relate to so well. So, the sentimental guy cries lots of tears, hits the workshop wall occasionally, and then I cry and scream in my daughter's ear on the phonw. My daugher has given me hope and strength and comfort through this whole journey. I pray you may be given all you need for today, for the peace and comfort you need. May God be with you.

[mary57]

Hello everyone.

I am so glad I stumbled across this wonderful place.

My lovley Husband Matt is terminally ill with cancer. He is very weak and has been in his bed for the last two days and is on so much morphine now he just sleeps all the time and when he wakes he's in so much pain I can't bear to see him suffer, I feel I want him to pass away then feel awful because I'm wishing him dead.

I love him so much, with all my heart and soul and can't believe I have to face the rest of my life without him. The Kids are brilliant, we have 5, 3 live in their own homes and we have a son and daughter here with us. They are too young to have to go through losing their Dad like this.

I don't have family to support us, My mother and sisiters and brother are all heavy drinkers and I don't hear from them, my Dad lives 200 miles away and the one sister I speak to told me at the begining of Matt's illness that she "doesn't do poorly".

Matt has a large family who we are in touch with but only seem to want to see him when he is well enough to talk and do things with, so I am basically on my own with our great children

I think it's because I'm a nurse that they all think I can cope with looking after him and sorting his pain out and not become upset and full of grief. I am so fed up and sick of people saying how strong I am, I'm not, I'm a crumbling wreck but as I'm sure you all know, there's no choice, how can we fall apart when our loved ones need us so much.

Matt loves me and our children with everything he has and he is clinging onto life with all his might but this vicious cancer has won.

His brother came last night when he was really bad and said that, he's still fighting and would get better, just like the rest of his family but I said the cancer has one but when he goes I#ll make sure it will be peaceful and dignified and we all stick the finger up to the cancer, it wont have won.

Thank you for listening, sorry for going on a bit, it really helps knowing there are others who understand what is happening.

Thinking of you all.

Much love. Michelle.

[suelowe]

Alwaysmyjennifer, i said what i said because as you've just read, i've been there. A stroke 'took' my mother away, it never occured to me that the stroke would cause her to lose her sense of speech. i don't remember much of what i did the night before she died, but after she died, with emotions i felt all kinds: exhaustion, shock, numbness, panick, tearful etc. i'm surprised i stood on my own 2 feet to be honest. From what i've studied, when it comes to very stressful situations, the human body and mind can only take so much, the body can go numb to 'cushion' the shocks, the mind 'blocks' unpleasant things out so you can have stability to some degree to cope with those things happening. i probably sound rather 'counsellor like' here, but i'm interested in how we work around times like this.

i'm really glad you are able to express your emotions the way you do, and your daughter seems really supportive towards you too. Man or Woman, we express grief the way we do, i don't see why we should have to justify our reactions to grief, because we are all individuals.

Take good care of yourself,and god be with you too.

sue x

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, gee, where are my manners? Such a delay in replying is disgraceful. I'm sorry. Wow, do you ever have a grasp on this whole concept! Yes, you sound like you are either in counseling or studying (I have a degree in counseling). Yeah, I'm a lucky, blessed guy to have my children. My daughter is caring, and a good listener. All four of of them have strong social qualities. You are absolutely right. We are individuals, and as such we need to express our grief in our unique ways. This is the beauty of life - our differences. May you have all you need for today. My prayers are with you. Mark

[suelowe]

Mark, (do you [prefer to be called Mark or prefer the sign in name? i apologise!) don't apologise for the delay in replying. we all have lots to do in day to day life. i've a couple of years counselling, which had a real impact on me, so i'm pondering on the decision on whether to study it or not. i probably will though. People tell me i 'have a way with words'....i'd prefer it if i didn't put my foot in it lately in the situations i'm going through at the moment. but anyway, i hope you're well today.

i was watching eastenders yesterday, i always do on a sunday, and there was a song playing in the background which instantly reminded me of my mum. Mark, i tell you, i've never cried so heavily and forcefully in my life, apart from when she died and at the funeral, i felt like my ribs were exploding. i wished the pain was indigestion, but it was grief instead.

I'm glad you have four very caring children, i have a close circle of friends whom i really care about,and one of which i've learned who isn't. Maybe more on that later. What are your favourite Yes songs? i think Neil Young sounds a bit like Yes, with the guitars etc.

May god be with you at this time, and all the time, it's good to talk to you, thank you.

Sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, you may address me as either my name or my screenname. I like my real name, and I also adore my daughter, so I'm content with which ever makes you happy at the moment. When we love someone dearly and preciously, the pain of losing that dear soul brings on physical pains that are very real, even though physicians may struggle to explain them. The pain you mentioned reminded me of the heart pain I felt after losing Jennifer. I thought for sure I was having a heart attack, but it was "only" anxiety. Thankfully, there is medication in this world to treat such a condition. I can see you are naturally gifted in counseling. I studied it for several years, and hold a bachelors degree, also being a few courses from a masters degree. I'm sorry to hear you also have a not so close friend. There are some who may seem like they care, but will either care ultimately for themselves, or have other agendas that aren't good for a cordial relationship. Yet, having a few close friends in whom you can confide is a Godsend. As a musician, I honestly don't have favorite songs, although I will say that once in a while a song comes along that stays with my heart. My ex and I had an attachment to Siberian Khatru and when Neil worked with CSNY, we loved Ohio, for what it meant (we were Woodstock hippies who did peace marches, and I'm not really that old). Changes is cool, the kind of out of step material I like playing on stage. Have you heard Chris' CD with Billy Sherwood? It's fantastic! Well, enough of me boring you with this stuff. My prayers are with you Sue. Please take very good care of yourself. I hope we can visit again. Mark

[suelowe]

Mark, thank you for clearing up the name question, i feel better now(customary type of thing). i've experienced both heart pains, the anxiety felt during grief and the anxiety of worry,panic attacks etc. The heart pain of grief can, in my opinion, be described as a big, dull ache and someone squeezing your heart muscle, as well the gut. i'm not sure if i've described it right here, but that's the idea (and feeling i have). Thank you for your compliment on me being naturally gifted in counselling, i've yet to do the basics. i guess one of the things i've learned about grief and reading books on how people work (s'all coming together!) around anxiety, everyday life etc and what interests me is how people interact, like you get a person wanting to really help someone and in my opinion, its finding the person with the right wavelength so to speak, and i suppose it's wording it right as well when people are upset. What was studying counselling like for you?

i spotted my 'friend' yesterday, she was in a world of her own, driving, but my stomach just tightened and now i'm like 'i'll never be able to forgive you!!' it seems daft that i can't even say hello to her and be normal when all i want to do is throw her into a river. i can't even find peace within myself for what my mum went through, let alone her!

Anyhow,musically (god, i'm sorry about the above there) i've got 1 or 2 of Neil Young's albums on MP3's as my brother did them for me, the name shows up on my CD player when they're on but some of the songs are brilliant. i think one of them is called 'Tell Me Why', good accoustic guitar! Owner Of a Lonely Heart is a Yes favourite too plus others.

dont worry you havent bored me or anything, i bore myself sometimes! anyway, take care of yourself too mark and hope to talk with you again soon.

god bless

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, I have to admit, I've been through it bad lately. I've been unable to write, because of all that's going on. My apologies for my absence, which has been a long drag for me. I don't like being away from here, and on my last two times in here, I fell asleep. Caring for my wife is now a 24 hour a day job. We've increased my wife's medication (methadone) which was supposed to help her pain, but isn't. That big, dull ache is about what I've been feeling. No matter what you do about your "friend", here's the advice of a guy "old" enough to be a grandpa. You need peace, so no matter how you must let her go her own way, let it be. To have your own peace is more important, and worth far more, than tossing some slacker into the drink (although the cathartic effect may seem a lot of fun). Oh, about the grandfather thing, I am one. My oldest daughter was born when I was only 13, and she has a 5 year old son now. I'm actually 40ish. I hope you have a great week, and don't see this particular person anywhere in sight (unless she's willing to talk and be nice). Talk with ya soon, Mark

[suelowe]

Mark, i'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time lately. I'm not sure what to say here, but at this time, i hope you and your wife will be able to find some peace to help you both get through each hour/day.

I'm getting feelings that you wish to be alone with your family at the moment, and if that's the case, then i respect your wishes. I'm happy to talk when you're ready.

As for my 'friend', it's hard to let her go as i've known her for almost 10 years, we've been through a lot together, but i guess wer'e taking on new directions and so what she did to me was the last straw, so it's a case now of trying to re-adjust myself to those changes.

Take good care of yourself, warmest wishes and prayers to both you and your family.

God bless you

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Oh Sue, it's not that I want to be away from here, or away from my friends, especially a friend so kind as you. I go through spells of getting extremely tired (from an illness I have (related to Muscular Dystrophy), which I dealt with today. My son's girlfriend was gracious and quietly accommodating for this, while I rested on the couch. Of course, I missed the entire soccer game, and a Yankees game, but I really needed the sleep. Now, I'm back to my "normal" self. I understand where you are at emotionally with your friend. This is a difficult situation, whether you confront her after a ten year friendship, or just how to deal with it. My greatest advice - seek the wisdom of several people you trust, and try to avoid hasty or rash behaviors. If this friendship terminates, try to let it do so in the most peaceful terms. Thanks for being a friend. Thank you for your concern about my wife. Understanding that her illness is terminal is difficult, stressful, and filled with so many emotions. Even still, I'm very fortunate to have shared my life with her, such a wonderful, loving woman. My hope and prayers are for you to have a beautiful day. I'll write again tonight, or in my early AM hours. Til then, Mark