My loved one is going to die

[lovemydad53]

My dad and I have been very close all my life except for the teens when I rebelled and he became distant. He is now 76. We lost my mother 11 years ago. I noticed dad was losing weight (he had always weighed 165#) and going out less, putting things off and getting short of breath. He has smoked 2 1/2 packs a day for 55 years. He had only seen a dr. once in his life because he fell off a roof 12' high. About a year ago I started to try to get this very stubborn man to a dr. Well, I finally just made an appointment and took him because I saw him with his shirt off and I was shocked at how he had "hidden" his weight loss. A chest x-ray showed a mass covering over half of his left lung. I always thought someday dad would have cancer when I was a kid because he smoked so much. More CT Scans, biopsies and in the last week he has slipped away even farther. Today, I moved him in with me (my brother cut all ties before my mom died because his wife had him convinced she and the kids were all he needed). He hasn't had contact with dad for 10 years. I'm 53, on disability, raising a 15 yr old grandson who's mom was killed by a drunk driver when he was 6. My son doesn't do much other than make forced child support payments. My grandson is basically without a mom or dad and he is angry and I am his punching bag. I sent him with a RESPIT worker for the night because I need his help and he just did his usual rude comments like he hates me when I'm such a bitch. Dad goes back in Monday to get some IV fluids, oxygen etc. so that he can come back home and have hospice and me to make him as comfortable as possible. I'm all there is to take care of things so I have run to dr., atty.,hospital etc. I love him so much, I would gladly trade him places. We discussed what the future holds and I don't think he really grasps the inevitable. It feels so good to put this down in writing when you have nobody and you are scared out of your wits that death is coming soon. I know that's where my strength will end. I've cried so much already. Thank you for the opportunity to vent.............Linda

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Linda, I am so very sorry you are going through such a very troubling and painful time in your life, one that is breaking your heart. Please don't feel badly for rebelling and growing distant. You are doing something about this now, showing your dad love and devotion as a child. You do need help for your grandson, and as much as you love him, he needs to understand the ground rules of living with you. I have three basic rules for my children, 1) they are not allowed to harm themselves. 2) they are not allowed to harm another person. 3) they are not allowed to destroy anyone's property. My wife is facing a terminal illness, so I do allow my younger children expressions of anger and frustration. However, I am dad, and the rule is, I expect and receive respect. They are great with this. We have our moments, but not many out of control issues. I'm also disabled, so I understand some of the issues we face in dealing with grief, and a grieving family while being disabled. If I can help you, please feel free to write more anytime. My thoughts and prayers are always with you. May you have enough for today. Mark

[daughter4]

Just when I thought that things were going Ok and that I finally had a grip over my emotions and behaviour, things have started to change and fall apart again.

Since the last 3 days my mom is not doing good at all. Until 3 days ago, she had hope and she was fighting this disease...but now she has given up and has lost all hope. My sisters, dad...they all are saying that it is just a matter of time now. I want to go to India and be with my mom (I'm in the US)..but I can't just do it...I don't know what I should do? Should I leave my 2 year old here with her father and go (I don't know how long I'll be gone..maybe a month..maybe 2) Or should I take her with me and expose her to death and all that grief?

I visited my mom in India for 3 months in April....Going again right now is going to wreck the whole financial situation.....my husband is very supportive and says that if I have to go, then I have to go and that we will somehow manage...My family there says that think about it carefully nad take a practical decision...whatever it is it has to be my decision...nobody is going to help me with it....I just don't know what I should do??? Will I be able to live with myself if I don't go? Will I be able to accept that mom is no more if I'm not there? If I go will I be able to see her suffer (The docs are saying that it is the very last stage now and that we should just fulfill all her wishes and spend time with her). I just don't know what to do.....Someone pls. help me.

[messenger]

DEAR DAUGHTER4,,,,,,,,,,,I AM SO SORRY YOU ARE HAVING TO GO THRU THIS.................MY PERSONAL OPINION IS..............GO AND SPEND TIME WITH YOUR MOM...................TELL HER EVERYTHING YOU ARE FEELING AND I DO MEAN EVERYTHING..........................GOD WILL GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH TO GET THRU IT...AND SOMEHOW I PRAY YOU WILL BE BLESSED FINANCIALLY SO THAT DOES NOT HANG OVER YOUR HEAD................I DONT THINK YOU WILL REGRET GOING BUT I DO THINK..........DOWN THE ROAD YOU WILL FEEL GUILTY IF YOU DONT..WE ONLY HAVE ONE MOTHER......SHE WOULD WANT TO SPEND HER SHORT TIME WITH HER CHILDREN....WOULD SHE DO IT FOR YOU..............???? I THINK SHE WOULD..................DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION

KNOW WE HERE ARE HERE TO SUPPORT YOU ..PRAY FOR ANYONE WHO NEEDS PRAYER..THAT WOULD BE ALL..OF US...WE ARE HERE TO ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER AND LET ALL KNOW ,.WE HAVE BEEN THERE AND CAN IDENTIFY WITH WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO GO THRU..PUT YOUR WORRIES INTO GODS HANDS AND LET HIM BE IN CONTROL............DO YOU GO TO CHURCH??? THEY ARE OF GREAT SUPPORT AT TIMES LIKE THIS

YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER....................

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Daughter4, don't give a thought to the money. This is your beloved mother. Go be with her. My prayers are with you as you travel. I shall be praying for her as she goes through these moments, for you in your sorrow, for your whole family. I understand what a trip can do to our finances. My grandson just had surgery, so I was out of town to be with him. It was expensive, but I think nothing of the money when it has to do with my grandson, or any member of my family. Please take gentle care of yourself, and know that if you need anything, we are here. Mark

[daughter4]

It's not about the money anymore.....I realize that. Money will come back again. Mom won't.

Right now my delima is my two and a half year old daughter. Do I take her with me or not. I don't think exposing her to that kind of environment is right.... I'm not a very strong person right now and I don't think I will be able to take good care of her. Even here, I'm so impatient with her and my husband does most of the things for her. But still, she comes to me and only wants me during bed-time. How do I leave her here and go? Even If I leave her here, I can't be away for too long. If I take her with me, she won't let me greive. She is a kid and I don't think she will be able to understand that her grand mom is sleeping and is unable to bear noise and I don't think I have the patience to gently make her understand. Right now I'm not being a good mother.I'm a terrible mom...my husband is my saving grace right now...he can't come with me becoz of his work. If I leave her here and go, then my family, especially mom will be very upset about it. My sisters are telling me to stay put....one of my sister told my husband that I will not be able to see mom in this conditiion ...she said that I am very sensitive and that the images will haunt me forever..it is better to keep me away. My other sister tells me that mom is in near comatose state....she says that you have better memories of mom when she was better, why do you want to see her like this. At times i am able to reconcile with this and then then when i speak home, I just want to catch the next flight and go..... This is so tough... pls. pray that

God gives me the strength to make the right decision and to live with it..

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Daughter4, this is such a difficult decision. My instincts as a father tell me to leave your daughter with her daddy. My training as a social worker (psychotherapist) tells me about the same. She is a little child who can't understand what is happening. The process of grief for a child is much different than it is for us adults. We go through a series of almost predictible patterns, whereas a child may face an unpredictible and uncertain time of sorrow. Often, a child will lash out in anger, even rage, because they don't understand the grief inside their soul. They can't understand, so the first person to catch their anger is mommy or daddy. Just my advice, you already have far too much sorrow, and too much upset. You may want to let her stay with daddy, even though she responds to you at bedtime better. She'll adjust to this better and understand in her own special way. Little children are also capable of creating a lot of commotion and noise. From what you write, your mom isn't able to tolerate this now. Let her stay with dad, and you go spend these moments with your beloved and precious mom. Cherish all the time you can with her. You will make the right choice, and when you do, living with it will be easier than living without it. You are a good mom, a dear daughter, and a loving wife. Rest in knowing that already, you are doing everything you can for mom. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark.

[daughter4]

Thank you Mark for your kind words. In a way they make some sense. ...Today is my birthday. My brother and dad called to wish and they sounded cheerful and said that mom was also signing to wish me....And after sometime, my sister called and told me that mom is having difficulty breathing and that they are going to take her to the hospital to put her on the ventilator. Turns out that they wanted me to have a nice birthday.....Some birthday!!.........That was it..I just have to go. I've got my ticket...I am leaving tomorrow morning for India. My daughter is going to stay back with her dad over here. Mark, your words really help...they are reassuring that my kid and hubby will do fine..I just hope that I get to see mom....that I am able to hug her and tell her all the things that I want to tell her...I hope I am able to tell her that I love her...Pls. pray that i am able to see her...Pls. pray that my daughter does fine....

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Daughter4, your message had me in tears, for the beauty of what a family's love can be. I was ill over the weekend, so I missed your birthday. A belated happy birthday to you. I'm now a grandfather, but when I was a kid, I was a street kid in the city, with little family supervision. This is why I love hearing of someone who is so fortunate to have such a loving family as you have. It will be my privilege to pray for you, and for your daughter and her dad. I pray you can see your precious mom when you arrive. Try to keep yourself from worrying about things. Dad's going to do well caring for your daughter, and mom is being kept by the power of many prayers. Mark

[Guest Guest]

This place seems like just place I need to be right now. My father has Emphysyma for the last 4 years it has gotten really bad in the last year. This last july he was diagnosed with Colon caner but because his lungs are so bad the only thing the could offer his is some radiation but it was never a cure just try to hold it off for a while. This past monday dad went back into the hospital because he could breath, he couldn't even walk or dress himself. they did a cat scan and we found out now he has lung cancer. There is nothing they can do. He might have 3 months if we are lucky. Unforunately his oxygen level is so high that he will never be able to go home again. We just go them moved into a new house three weeks ago that was setup especially for his needs.

I feel so numb right now I can't cry I just don't feel anything. I am so scared. I feel like I am not dealing with this right. I know there is no right way but I still feel that way.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I am so very sorry your father is so ill, and fighting cancer. To feel numb is natural. There are many feelings you'll go through, anger, depression, deep sadness, even happiness. Let each feeling have its place in your heart, and in your grieving. Each is necessary. Please be sure to take very good care of yourself, as in getting the rest you need and eating well so you can have the strength to care for your parents. My wife has a terminal illness, and I've had many times I just didn't want to eat, and far too many nights I didn't sleep after caring for her when she had a stroke or seizures. Rest is vital to being able to getting through the next day. BeyondIndigo is a beautiful place to just be yourself. Nobody will judge you or say anything negative. This is a place of comfort and compassion and healing. I hope you feel welcome enough to write, and to let your feelings free so you can heal. We're always here to "listen" (read) and to help you along the way. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark, Jenni's dad

[messenger]

DEAR GUEST..........I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR YOUR FATHER HAS CANCER....I FEEL BAD FOR YOU..BE SURE AND USE THIS PRECIOUS TIME TO TELL HIM WHAT ALL YOUR HEART IS CARRYING ON ..ASK HIM TO GIVE YOU SIGNS AND DREAMS..........

YOU ARE AT THE RIGHT PLACE FOR ENCOURAGEMENT AND ADVICE......SO MANY ARE SO GOOD AT TELLING PEOPLE WHAT NEEDS TO BE SAID AT THAT GIVEN POINT...

I AM HAPPY TO HELP YOU IN ANY WAY ...........MY EMAIL IS LOVEISANGELS74@SBCGLOBAL.NET.............

KNOW WE ALL CARE HERE AND AT ANYTIME DAY OR NITE....WHEN YOU NEED SOME ADVICE AND A BIG HUG OVER THE AIR!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL BE THERE

BLESSINGS

MESSENGER

[kathywi]

Thank you messenger and alwaysmyjennifer for your kind words.

I did get a little bit a good news the steriods that they have been giving him have helped wean my dad off of some of the oxygen he needs. In fact it has been enough that he will be able to have his last days at home. I consider this a miracle because a few days ago they said it would be impossible. They were setting up hospice care for him at home today. They also are going to continue with the steriods at home and are also going to start to give him morphine to help him not feel that he is gasping for breath. Dad is in deneil right now. Some of my aunts were up to see him and he told them he is looking at going on for another 4-5 years. None of us are going to correct him. If this is what gives him hope to look forward to the future I will never take that away from him.

[rodless]

Hello Kathy, My husband died in July from lung complications due to chemo. He was at home on 15 liters of oxygen - we had two concentrators going, one set at 10 and the other at 5. He was really glad to be at home and Hospice was wonderful. It is very hard to watch someone struggle to breathe but there are things Hospice will do to ease the situation. My husband fought the fact he was dying until the day before he did. Peace will come for your dad, too. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mary Jo

[messenger]

KATHYWI, THAT IS GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!SEE YOU HAVE PEOPLE HERE PRAYING FOR YOU AND YOUR FATHER...THE POWER OF PRAYER IS AWESOME!! OUR SON WENT THRU THE SAME THING AS YOUR FATHER IS GOING THRU...THE STEROIDS DO HELP WITH THE BREATHING,,,,,IF HE HAS HOPE THAT IS GREAT...........ONLY THE FATHER ABOVE KNOWS FOR SURE WHEN WE WILL TAKE OUR FINAL BREATH........MAY THE MIRACLES CONTINUE............KEEP IN TOUCH ..................YOU ARE BEING LIFTED UP IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Kathywi, you are wise to not take away your dad's hope. Even if he can feel how ill he truly is, maybe he wants to give his family hope too. I can only pray that this hope feels as beautiful as a sweet summer rain. There is no greater part to this than having him home in his last days. I know how the opposite feelings can be. My wife's dystrophy forces us to place her in a nursing home, which means her last days will be away from home, but I know that her children will share her final days. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family for peace and comfort. May all be well with you, and may peace be with your dear dad through this time. We're here for you if you need us. Mark

[daughter4]

Thank you all for your prayers and words of hope and encouragement. I was able to leave my daughter here and I got to see my mom. I am so thankful that I went. She passed away on the 9th Nov...at home..in my dad's arms. I am so thankful that I was able to take care of her..even if it was for a short while...I am thankful that she asked only for me for some of the care that she needed. But what I'm not thankful for is all the suffering that she had to go through...I can't forget the way she was struggling to breathe the last 2 days...I can't forget how her face got distorted due to the swelling in her tongue...I can't forget how she was fighting and trying to hold on right till the end... She wanted to say so much, but she could not talk..she wanted to communicate with us and tried to, and so many times we guessed it wrong and tired her out.... Few hours before she died, she gestualted to me that she wanted me to put some Holy water in her mouth..and I guessed it wrong and thought she wanted me to clean her tongue or suction out some mucus from her mouth.. I was with her till 3.30 in the night. She had just fallen asleep. Dad came over and sent me to bed and then at 4.00am they woke me up to tell me that mom has stopped breathing!!! I just can't get all these things out of my head!! I still can't accept it that mom has gone!! It all just seems like a bad nightmare, that going to end sometime, right? I can't get over how she suffered the last few days...they say that now she is free from all suffering and feels no pain. But why did a God-fearing lady, who gave so much love to others besides her family have to go through all that pain and suffering???

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Daughter4, I am pleased you were with your dear mother, able to care for and nurture the precious woman who cared for and nurtured you. I am so very deeply sorry she had to leave this life behind, and leave behind her family as well. I'm sorry. Also, I am sorry I have no answer for you, to reply to your question why God allows such suffering in the world He created and called good. For now, you will feel somewhat numb, like things are slightly dazed. This is the first stage of the grieving process. As this fades and you feel somthing else, please feel free to describe what you feel, and we'll tell you what stage you are in, and we'll also help guide you along through it. For you and all your family here and there, I will be praying for you all. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

may the venerable day of saint turkey of rotisserie be filled with with juicy blessings for all. luv yas, Mark

[Guest Guest]

In Feb my mom went in for a hernia repair and found out she had cancer. The Doctor\'s thought it was ovarian and in April it was determined to be small bowel cancer. On mother\'s day I went to visit and was told they gave her 6 months to two years if she would do chemo. It\'s been a rocky road this year you're afraid to hear the phone ring, you hate to travel and it\'s hard to visit as you come away wondering will that be the last. In late Sept they decided she could take a break from chemo. We were lucky to have the chance to go on a family vacation in Oct to Hawaii and I must admit my father surprised me as he spent money like never before to make certain we were able to do everything my mother wanted to do. The week before Thankgiving it was determined the cancer has spread and she will begin a new chemo treatment in Dec. I apologize if I make no sense but it\'s just so hard to put into words what I'm feeling as I stuggle with the fact that someday she will past on to another journey as she calls it. I know I\'m blessed with the fact that I will get closure that so many others don\'t when their love ones die without warning. But my question is I don\'t want to have regret once she is gone the should of, could of, would of. any suggestions, thoughts, ideas, I would love to hear.

Thank You Bunnyrun

[messenger]

DEAR BUNNYRUN...........I HATE YOU HAVE TO GO THRU THIS............WE DID WITH OUR SON..HE MOVED HOME ONE DAY AND DIED THE NEXT SO WE HAD LITTLE TIME TO SPEND WITH HIM....HE PASSED MUCH SOONER THAN HOSPICE THOUGHT..

ALL I CAN TELL YOU............IS TELL YOUR MOM EVERYTHING YOU ARE FEELING...TAKE THE GREATEST CARE OF HER LIKE SHE IS A QUEEN..YOU WILL NEVER REGRET IT .SHOWING HER ALL THE LOVE YOU HAVE FOR HER...WILL BE SO VERY SPECIAL TO HER..ASK HER IF SHE WANTS TO TELL YOU ANYTHING OR NEED FOR YOU TO TAKE CARE OF ANYTHING...SHE WILL BE SO APPRECIATIVE..

I AM SO GLAD YOU GOT TO GO TO HAWAII!! BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES THERE...TAKE LOTS OF PHOTOS OF YOUR MOM ,,YOU,,YOUR DAD,,,ETC,,,,,,,,THEY WILL BECOME SO VERY PRECIOUS SOMEDAY...TAPE HER VOICE..OR VIDEO TAPE HER ..SO YOU WILL BE ABLE TO STILL HEAR HER VOICE......A NUMBER ONE .....IDEA.............THIS AND THE PHOTOS WILL BE SOMETHING THAT CAN NEVER BE TAKEN AWAY AND YOU WILL HAVE TO CHERISH LATER.

ASK HER ABOUT HER LAST WISHES..SO THINGS CAN BE DONE THE WAY SHE WANTS AND IT WONT BE SO HARD WHEN THE TIME COMES...OUR SON PLANNED ALL OF HIS BUT 2 SONGS........I PICKED OUT ..I CAN ONY IMAGINE AND HOMESICK BY MERCY ME...HE PICKED OUT BEAUTY FOR ASHES BY CRYSTAL LEWIS AND DOWN BY THE RIVER...HE BROUGHT HIS SHOES TO FUNERAL HOME 2 DAYS BEFORE HE DIED....I THINK THEY KNOW......

I HOPE I HAVE BEEN OF SOME HELP TO YOU.................GIVE HER ALL THE HUGS AND KISSES YOU CAN!!

YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[rodless]

Bunnyrun, I went through the same process with my husband. He was in the hospital 6 weeks and then home on hospice for 10 day before we lost him. be sure to tell your mom over and over that you love her and thank her for being part of your life. You will find the right time to discuss final arrangements. That is a great help so that everything is as they want it.

Also, try to keep everyone around her as calm as possible. She deserves a peaceful time... any family disagreements (if there are any) need to be handled away from where she is. I was not able to do that with 4 angry stepkids who did not like the decisions their dad and I had made. That is the only regret I have.

Otherwise, I know he knew he was loved and cherished and that made me feel like I did the right things.These are observations based on my experiences last summer. Mary Jo

[bunnyrun]

Thank You,

I never would have thought to record hear voice as it's true one does forget how someone sounds and it will make a difference when she's gone to be able to have that memory come alive each time. It's hard as my father is angry because he can't control the situation ex military. My brother hosted Thanksgiving dinner and it was nice don't get me wrong but I guess I expected and would have done the bells and whistles perhaps that would have been worst than the simple arrangement he did. My mother made all her plans for the end she wants to be cremated and her ashes spread in an Aspen grove in Colorado. I'm wanting to ask her the things she would still do if her life had things been different. The issue we're having is the fact her and my father want to get rid of things now and give them to the person that they want to have it or the person who wants it and I'll willing to go through the process as I think it's better than waiting until after the fact and not knowing if an item was meant to go to me or worst give away a cherished item of hers.

My brother is the complete opposite he doesn't want to talk about it or take anything.

Thank You Again,

Theresa

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Theresa, for you, to have a simple Thanksgiving dinner, offered by the hands of someone else, is perhaps best for your emotions. You need this time to settle into yourself and your grieving as it relates to your mom. A boy relates completely different with mom. It's hard to deal with possessions. Use your intuition, and let your heart guide you. She may be your mom, but she's also your dad's wife. This means he has to make the decision. There are so many things to talk about, so many emotions to feel, so many tears. But, I want you to know, we are here, listening, and we'll do all we can for you. I think, even though your brother doesn't want anything, he should take just one thing, for a memory. I have two small things of my grandma's, which if I told you, I know you'd laugh. But, they remind me of her, and what she always meant to me. You children should be given something that reminds you of your loving, emotional connection to your mom. We are praying for you in your journey of sorrow. You will feel many things, even numbness, and all are a natural part of grieving. Please feel free to write as much as you like, and we'll be here. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad

[preciouswaves]

My mother is 51 and is slipping away from us due to metastatic breast cancer. I would like to say that I am spending as much time with her as I would like but sadly that is not true. Her partner has lost touch with reality which I feel has forced me to be stuck in reality. He has not worked in two years (we have known about my mom's condition for a little over a year), he has rejected any attempt of contact from his own family, he has helped to push my sister away and attempted to push me away, he has made bad investments and has been threatening that they will have to sell the house and move to a place my mother dreads of going. My mother's illness is difficult to understand and difficult to accept especially because she is so young. It is even more difficult because I want to be with her, to make sure she has someone with her during the night (she has never liked to sleep alone), but I also have to pay her partner's mortgage so my mother does not have to move back to an area prone to flooding and power outages. I'm just at a loss for what to do. If I keep my job, which keeps me 1 and a half hours away, I can make sure she stays in the home I know she wants to be, but I can only be with her on weekends. If I take a leave of absence or give up my job I can make sure to be with her during all of those difficult nights, but I cannot pay the mortgage. I wish I could do both or meet her partner half way. I have tried to meet him half way but I can't. When I was there full time he still wouldn't leave or get a job and complained about money, about losing the house, about my inability to keep the house clean enough. Now that I work during the week he complains about staying up with her at night during the week, about not having enough care providers (even though there is someone there at least 9 hours per day). My mother is a beautiful, loving, sensitive person who deserves to have both the comfort and companionship she longs for. I deserve to be with her and share as many moments as I still can without thinking about money, dishes, her partner's lack of ability to sleep. I am filled with sadness but yet cannot express it because I have to go to work every day, I have to tell my mom that she will not have to move, I have to give her partner a check so he wont sell the house (or it wont be reposessed). I know he is in a place of grief, denial, etc. but he wont get help. I just don't know what to do. It feels better to get this all out though. I trust that I can figure out a way to help my mother get all her needs met. I just hope I am able to find a way quickly... I love her so much, she is my strength, she is my world. She deserves to be as comfortable as possible.

[Guest Guest]

My loved one is on her way to heaven. Her name is Kool Kat and she is my baby. She has quit eating and drinking. She cannot walk anymore as she is so weak. How long will My Dear Jesus let her do this? It has been 4 days and it is tearing me apart. I cannot function and I have called into work for my 1st day.

[liljean]

My Dad has terminal cancer. He is 61 years young. He has been battling paranasal sinus cancer for 3 years now. My Dad saw his ENT oncologist Friday and the prognosis is not good. He was told he doesn't have long now. The doc suggested hospice in his home and my Dad and Mom agreed. They will talk to the social worker and get the ball rolling on that this week.

My Dad called his boss and told him. He had his official last day of work ever Friday. That poor man worked so hard and so many years I am grateful he will have some time home.

The doc said his cancer has grown so much in the past two months. The doctor cannot even see up inside his nose anymore; all he can see if the tumor. It is in his forehead and he has a big lump there. It is also pushing on his nose and moving it over to one side of his face. And it is pushing on his eye making it hard for my Dad to see. His vision has become quite blurry on and off. His pain has increased. He still manually drains his own sinuses several times a day to try to prevent infection. He gets a sinus infection every few weeks and needs antibiotics yet the antibiotics are becoming less effective as he needs them so much. His fatigue has increased immensely as well. He was still a trooper and he went to work up until last Friday when he got the devestating news from his doctor. Bless his heart.

The doctor said what he can expect is my Dad can have a stroke from the cancer, a seizure if and when it invades his brain. It may be in his brain already. He is getting an MRI on Friday. He may also fall into a coma. The doctor very matter-of-factly told my parents that this journey is not going to be easy. He said the pain will become quite unbearable as the tumor continues to grow and spread.

I have been extremely nervous and panicky. I can only shed tears. I weep. I need a good long cry, but it won't come. I cannot sleep and I am soooooooo depressed.

PLEASE, if you pray, please please please keep my Dad in your prayers. At this point we can only wish for his comfort to be there and a miracle! Please pray for my Mom too - she and my Dad have been married for over 40 years and they are super close. This is killing her.

Thank You,

LilJean

[Guest Guest]

Daughter4 and others,

I am so sorry for how your Mom suffered. I don't know what to say. I hope you are coping well with the grief and loss. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband, hug him and your daughter alot.

My mom is 63 and dying of chronic pulmonary fibrosis. She is still fighting and talking as if she could change the progression. And we just agree with her b/c that is the way she wants it. For instance, she has lost her appetite and swallowing is painful now, but she eats anyway.... Her legs are very weak, but she says she needs to walk to exercise the muscles. When she walks, her breathing becomes labored after just a few feet, so she stops for a moment and goes a few more steps. Dad and I know that the walking isn't going to help her, but she will not give-up so we just hold her hand and help her.

She has a whistle when she breathes, b/c her lungs are filling up. And I am terrified of the end. Because of the fear she may have or the pain and struggling that Daughter4 experienced with her Mom.

I am so glad I finally found a place where there are others like me feeling sad and depressed and afraid. You all know exactly how I am feeling. I hope that on another post I can talk more.

[bunnyrun]

I understand how hard it is for one to go through the process of watching your loved one die. My mother\'s cancer continues to eat away at the days she has left and it\'s hard to deal with at times. My belief is get together with your family memeber and decide what will allow you to move on and them to go when they need to and not be forced to fight in pain and suffering for our benefit. For me it\'s letting my mother know that I will be spending the money she leaves me to go to Italy and continue Family History she started but can\'t finish. Also, to plan her services with her as she knows what she wants and it\'s important for her to have control of it. Everyone is different you all will find the way that works best for you. I would give anything for the ability to have my mother her for another 30 years but in reality it\'s not going to happen so all I can ask for is the ability to have memories as Garth Brook\'s song says \"If Tomorrow never Comes will she know how much I loved her\" and I know the answer is yes. It is not easy to talk about it but it\'s the one situation in your life you can\'t relive and wish you had. Praying for all your love ones.

Sincerely,

BunnyRun

[alwaysmyjennifer]

bunnyrun, I'm sorry for this painful time you're going through. You have a great plan for doing things your mom started. This is beautiful. My wife's health has worsened this winter, which worries my family. My children are growing more scared of losing her, causing them more distress. I need to be there for them, but I also face my own distresses. I don't want to lose my wife, and I'm afraid of going through the rest of my journey without her. But, I also don't want her to stay here in this agony, suffering such pain just to be with me. I am not selfish. I want only for her best, even if I must lose her so she can be freed from this pain. May God bless you, and give you peace.

[bunnyrun]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

Words can't express the pain we are going through and the grief we will one day face when our love one dies. You don't mention how old your children are but it might help if your wife is able to put something away for them and be able to open and cherish on a special day. A letter a video something down the road they will have to enjoy and their mother shares a part in their special event or day. I understand the not wanting to go through the journey alone. I can't imagine what you are facing at losing your wife how long have you been married. I know what you mean by not being selfish and keeping my mom here for me. But I fear she will past on at the time I don't want it to happen. Let me explain I don't want to go through the rest of my life with her dying on my birthday or holiday. Selfish huh,

[justnicki]

I knew that my dad was dying... he's got congestive heart failure, is diabetic, had a quintuple bypass done on his heart and is in renal failure (on dialysis). Tonight I got the news that he's also got prostate cancer. I just want to curl up and cry. I don't know how long he's got. My mom says that the mass is growing quickly, and that they also said previously that there's a mass in his chest.

She just shuts her emotions off and deals with them later. I can't do that. To bottle them up, not knowing how long and how bad it's going to be would eat me up inside. I don't think that she understands that finding this out is a shock, and no matter what my recent relationship is with my dad, he is still my dad and I still do love him.

I can't even put into words all of the things that I'd really like him to keep fighting for because I know that he's been fighting this stuff for 10 years now, and for me to ask him to fight would just be for me.

He says that he's not in pain right now, but said that once the pain starts, he'll just stop dialysis and he'll be dead in about a week.

Maybe I can make more sense of this later.

[scared]

justnicki

I understand what you are going thru. I lost my Dad last year and it still seems like yesterday. I am also taking care of my husband that has advanced metastatic prostate cancer. There is nothing left that he can do so we are on hospice(they are great). But it is really hard when he having one of his bad days and you know that there is nothing that I can do. I really don't know how to help him thru these times. My prayers are with you and yours!!

[justnicki]

Scared, thanks for understanding. I just picked up my voice mail today, and found out that the cancer's in bits and pieces all over his body. Not sure what that all means, because they haven't seen the cancer folks yet.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

justnicki, I'm sorry you are going through this, and your dad is so ill. be slow about decisions, and patient with those who must tell you things about his cancer. There are many treatments now available. Do all the research you can on your own (medline, hospital libraries, talking with drs), and then make your decision with the doctor about his care. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. We are here to listen, to let you vent, to help you with information, or to share advice. Please feel free to write anytime. I'm Jenni's dad.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Scared, I'm sorry you are also facing such a difficult time in your life. To care for your husband while he faces such a thing, I understand. My wife faces the end stage of a life threatening illness. Please write anytime. We're here to listen. This website is a blessing for all of us who are joined in this bond of sorrow. My prayers are with you. I'm Jenni's dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Bunnyrun, sorry I've been a little bit trying to get back online. I've been a little ill. Mostly stress and exhaustion. This happens when we care for the one we love - stress and exhaustion overload and we drop like a rock as we try to keep going. My wife did in fact lay aside a few things, and these are to be opened long after her passing. She wants me to wait at least five years. Our children are precious, such wonderful and dear gifts from God. May God bless you with all you need, and with peace in your heart. My prayers are with you. Jenni's dad

[scared]

justnicki, alwaysmyjennifer is right get as much information that you can and then think each thing thru. When we frist got cancer I read everything I could get my hands on and also got on the internet. I found new treatments that we could try. We went to M.D. Anderson for awhile. I know how you wnat to try everything there is out there,but make sure it want be to hard for your Dad to try. I know there is alot of things out there so if you want to talk I am right here. As you can by the time,I hardly sleep. I am just a click away.

Alwaysmyjennifer, Thank you for your note. The reason I am so scared is that when John is having one of his down times is I don't know how to help him thru this. He won't talk. I know he has to be scared. But he is still so angry there has been a few times he says, "Why me and not you?" But then him says he is sorry. If it wasn't for me talking to GOD all the time I don't know where I would be. Well Thanks for listening to me. Sorry I have gone on so. Ya'll just remember that GOD is always with ya'll. Take care. Scared

[minnababy]

my mum is dying of idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis, she's 54. i'm 19 she was diagnosised a few years ago and it's getting worse every day. there is no cure for this disease, only drugs to try and slow down the progression of it. the only cure would be a lung transplant, which i had put all my hopes on, but when she had the tests done to see if she was eligable, they found that the oesteoporosis in her spine was too bad to risk it. my mum is taking loads of steriods && other tablets, and is on oxygen cylinders the whole time. because the disease is rare and progresses at different speeds in different people, it's not possible to predict how long she's got left, but at her last appointment she was told that in a best case scenario she has a year left && that isn't likely, and in a worst case scenario she's got til easter. i'm stuggling to cope with this, i just can't imagine living without her && i don't know how i'm going to cope. i used to cut myself but my boyfriend has helped me to stop. he is a great support to me, but now i seem to be crying loads && it gets to him because he doesn't know what to say. it upsets him to see me cry, he says he doesn't know what to say, he just wants to make it better but he can't, so i'm trying not to cry in front of him because i don't want to upset him. i have no one else to talk to and i don't feel that anyone understands what i'm going through. i've got so used to pretending i'm ok, i can be smiling and laughing but inside i'm crying. none of my friends know about this because i don't think they'd understand. i have a little brother who is 16, && i'd love to talk to him about this because he's the one person who would totally understand how i feel..but he refuses to talk about it and just shouts if anyone tries to talk to him about it and then leaves the room. i know he's struggling to cope with it too, we are both very scared, and i am very worried about him because i am the oldest i feel i have to be strong for him and for my mum. i feel like i'm all alone because of this, i have no contact with my dad..my parents divorced when i was 7. i also don't have any other family i'm close to, apart from my grandma who passed away last may..i feel like i'm losing everyonw i care about, i worry everytime someone i love goes somewhere in case they don't come back. i live away from home because i'm at uni..sometimes i feel guilty about it, i see my mum as much as possible but i feel like i should be there the whole time spending as much time with her as possible, but my mum wouldn't let me quit uni and mess up my future....when i first found out about this i blamed myself, i don't even know why and i think that's why i used to cut myself to cope with everything..i feel like it's so unfair, why does it have to be her, no one knows why she got this disease, she never smoked or anything, there is just no reason and now i just feel angry like everyone has just given up on her, and like no doctors care or why don't they do something else. but i guess deep down i know they have done their best and i just don't want to accept what is happening and that there is nothing more anyone can do. i'm really scared of losing her, what will happen after she's gone, where my little brother will end up living. i don't know how i will be able to live without her, we are very close she is the only parent i have had since i was 7, what scares me the most is thinking about all the things she'll miss..how she won't be at my wedding or meet her grandchildren..all things i just took for granted would happen. what if i don't ask her something really important and then i want to ask her and it's too late. all these things are killing me, i just start crying for no reason. sometimes i just wish i was dead, because there is no point living without her. i'm scared that i'll forget important things..i'm already struggling to remember how she was like before she got ill && breathless all the time. it cuts me up inside to listen to my mum struggling to breathe or see her with oxygen tubes coming out of her nose, she's the strongest person i know, i love her so much and i don't know what i'm going to do. i know she's getting worse every day and i know deep down she'll never get better but i'm finding it hard to accept it, i know that she's dying right in front of my eyes and it hurts so much.

thanks for reading <3

...sorry it got so long x x

[justnicki]

Scared - I've watched my dad fight for years to live. He's got so many other medical problems that I'm not really sure that it's right for me to ask him to fight this too, especially when the only reasons that I have for him are things for me and for his grandkids (my nieces and nephews). I've watched him come so close to dying that I've said good bye to him multiple times. He's gone from a very large man to one that barely walks and weighs less than me. From the pictures that I've seen he's frail enough that a strong wind would probably blow him away. My mom's been "nursing" him for years. Basically been his sole in-home caretaker. I know that I can't at this point bear to lose them both, and he's marking time, especially now. We as his family I guess have been preparing for this since he had open heart surgery almost 10 years ago. I'm not close enough to see him in person any longer, as I'm living in a different country than he is, but I pick up the phone (talked to him on Sunday this week) and I'll do that a little more often knowing that the end is coming.

[rodless]

It's hard to watch a steady decline. Take each day at a time and be sure you say everything you want to. Memories are precious and knowing you were there for your loved one when you needed to be will be a great comfort to you later. I know. I spent almost 5 years watching my husband deal with pulmonary fibrosis as a result of chemo for non-hodgkins lymphoma and there were multiple goodbyes. Ups and downs that were do difficult to deal with... emotions running wild. The last 2 months of his life he was completely bed ridden and the last 10 days at home under hospice. Be glad you are there for them no matter how difficult it is. You won't regret it. Mary Jo

[scared]

rodless-John and I have been married 10yrs.the last 7 we have had cancer with this last year being the worst. I have always told him we can't take the time we have for granted we need to make memories. I have always told my boys that there is 2 things that no one can take away from you and that is your memories and your education. John hasn't been doing to well the past few days. I keep trying to tell him to take this time and make the wrong things right. He has 2 grown kids that hardly talk to him then he has a 17yr old that has just had a baby. Her and the baby come up on the weekends. We take lots of pictures, so the baby will have them when he grows up. Then I have a 19yr old that lives at home. There are times that John can be so hard and mean. I know he doesn't feel well but that doesn't make it any better. I know that this this ONE thing that no matter what I can't make right.

scared

[rodless]

Scared, I was married 13 yrs. and spent 5 of them dealing with heath problems. It's a real strain on the relationship and no matter how hard you try, you can't make it all better for them. My Rod was patient and cooperative almost all the time and I know what the stress did to me, so I can about imagine what you have on your plate. Rod's 4 kids did not make it easy as they were upset at every decision we made even though their dad was involved. When we brought him home on Hospice they really raised a ruckus and created a lot of stress for him right before he died. He would not have recovered but I think he might have had a little more time if that had not happened. BUT... all we can do is the best we are capable of given our situation and knowledge and try to stay on an even keel. Thinking of you as you go through these difficult days... Mary Jo

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Scared, I understand. I'm sorry for all you're going through. As I've gone through the last few years of caring for my wife, I've learned that the most important things are to get rest and to give oneself a little time away from the stress and worry of caring for someone with a life threatening illness. I'm a lucky guy to be in love with my wife, the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and I'm going to take care of her til God has to tear her from my arms. I know you're scared, which is a feeling I'm very familiar with. I've been through the depths of fear and back again, facing down terrifying decisions which have been tossed onto my lap by doctors, knowing her life is in my hands every day. I'm fiercely protective of my precious wife. Be strong in this moment, and only for this moment. You dont need to worry about the next moment or tomorrow... not yet. Tomorrow isn't here yet. I'm here for you, and I'm praying for you. I'm Jenni's dad. May peace be yours.

[scared]

Mary Jo

John didn't have a good weekend. I talked him into riding with me Friday to pick up his daughter and the baby. When we got back home he laid down and has been in the bed since. I had to take them back home today and our son stayed home with John and to get ready for the work week. The trip is about 1 1/2 to 2 hrs. one way. John wouldn't let James fix him anything to eat,he said that he would wait until I got back. I get home and you could tell he was upset. I ask him what he wanted to eat,but he wouldn't talk. Finally I fixed some eggs and sausage. Then I gave him his meds and put him to bed. Hospice comes tomorrow. Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do it isn't right. There are days that he hardly says anything, just watches T.V. I have been working on our home. I just now finished our bathroom made it handicap for him. Something I should have done a long time ago. I quit work right at a year ago so I can take care of John and get the stuff done that he wants done. I am soory I have gone on and not said anything. I don't know what I am suppose to do any more. Thanks for listening. You are in my prayers.

[rodless]

Scared, that's what this board is for - ramble whenever you need to. I'm glad Hospice is coming in. They will be a tremendous help to you and maybe can help your John sort some things out. Could it be he's depressed and need some help there? I know Rod got very dependent on me. Was ok with others doing things for him but never felt secure unless I was right there with him. BUT.. there comes a time when you realize you can't solve all their problems. It's hard to accept and the going will be rough for awhile. Take care of yourself. I know it's hard to find time to do that but at least get some fresh air! I worked full time through it all. Lucky my job let me use my own sick time for family and lucky to have such a supportive staff. Not everyone has that advantage. Will be thinking of you. Keep in touch.Mary Jo

[rodless]

Mark, Sounds like there's been a lot going on and rough days. You don't need to reply... just wanted you to know I'm praying for you! Take you own advice and take care of yourself, too!! Mary Jo

[minnababy]

she's getting worse

i don't know what to do...

minna.

[rodless]

Minna, I wish I had a magic answer for you. Just be there for her and try to stay as calm as possible to make it better for her. When you fall apart do it somewhere else because when they are upset it is that much harder for them to relax and brethe. I know how hard it is. My husband had the same thing your mom does. At the end he could not do anything but lie flat on his back on 15 liters of oxygen. I will be paying for you. Mary Jo

[melissa1026]

Hello everyone. I have been reading posts for strength for quite a while. My life has been a roller coaster for the last 5yrs. I have been told so many times that my husband wouldn't last the night and then he gets better. Right now we are going thru a good spell.... hope it lasts.. but as all of you know, we just wait for the shoe to drop and then were back to wandering what will happen next... it's hard to let yourself enjoy the good times for thinking about what is to come. I am so thankful for each day that we have together and blessed to have such a wonderful husband.. he trys to stay up beat and never complains. I worry about ( and shouldn't) that i will go off the deep end when he passes on. In my heart I hope that will be 20yrs from now. wishfull thinking on my part. i am just so glad to have happy times with him. We have been together for 26yrs. I just get so scared somtimes... I lost my brother to suicide Dec 06 and it scares me to death for my husband to say that he understands not wanting to live. He knows how much that hurt me so I know he won't do anything but I can't help but worry.. I hate that any of us have to go thur this but my marriage vows of in sickness and in health are what i live by. I do everything to make each day a happy one. I love him so much and it hurts so bad at times... someone the other day told me that since he'd been sick so long that i should be prepared... there is nothing that can prepare you for the death of your spouse..... sorry i've written so much just needed to get it out

my prayers are with everyone