My loved one is going to die

[suelowe]

i can't believe what i've just done! i typed my message, all ready to post in and i lost it by pressing the wrong button, grrrr! i'll try and remember what i wrote....

I'm glad you're feeling better after your rest (this is what i mean about putting my foot in it). it must be difficult trying to deal with symptoms of Muscular Dystrophy.I'm going to look it up on the internet while i'm online now. i would suggest that, if you have a video tape recorder, you could record your favourite programs and them watch them after you have had your rest?

As for my friend, it's one of those friendships were 2 things happen: when i tell people we've had a big argument, i end up getting told 'you need her as much as she needs you', that's one, and the other is that with the end of each argument, she has never said sorry to me, i've always been the one to say it, and i said it during the last argument we had while texting from mobile phones (cell phones). i guess i'll be writing another letter to her, but really think about what i want to say and not just write whatever.

Another friend of mine (not the one mentioned above) who is understanding, thankfully, has a mental health problem, Psychotic depression, so like you, she gets extremely tired, but with a different illness.

I'd like to say that i admire your strength with regards as to how you cope with your illness everyday, plus trying to come to terms with your wife's illness and taking each day as it comes. Cherish each beautiful memory you have of your wife. i imagine a 'memory book' of my mum and dad by thinking of pictures and certain songs to go with them. This gives me comfort.

i hope you can find comfort in your memories, and i also hope you can watch another soccer/Yankees game in future too!

anyway mark, take care and talk soon.

god bless

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Ooo, I hate those wrong buttons, which seem to be placed so conveniently in the wrong place. I do that a lot. Really do. Typos galore with me, so I have to do these on my word processor (blind in my left eye now). I understand the fatigue caused by depression. The mind gets caught in a frenzy of thinking about everything, yet not sorting things out, which is where the fatigue comes from. In goal therapy, they learn to sort one by one, which is time consuming, but with practice, they get better at it, and it becomes faster and less tiring. People need to live in a forward direction (goal directed thinking), not sideways (based on helter skelter thinking). I hope your friend is able to continue working through all the issues at hand and achieve the goal of having peace of mind. For you, I hope you can have a great day, and a good night's rest. May peace be yours. I'm praying for you, Mark

[Guest Guest]

Wow, just the conversation I needed to read today. My mother fell a week ago and broke her hip and had surgery last Saturday (she's 82). Ever since she seems to have lost the will to live. She sold her home in Florida of almost 60 years in January and moved to be by my sister. She had to be hospitalized shortly after the move because of pneumonia. She spent 2 weeks in the hospital and does not remember an entire month of time.

Now, she has survived the hip surgery but is once again in lala land. During the first hospitalization she was saying really crazy stuff, but coherently. Now my sister says she slurrs her speech and is refusing to do physical therapy. This was a very active woman before January, old and slow yes, but very full of life.

As selfish as it seems, I don't want to go see her. I complain it's a 10+ hour trip but of course it's much more than just that. She took care of my father up until his death 20 years ago and I feel we owe her the same respect. But at the same time, it is a "family tradition" that the women in our family get very mean and nasty as that time approaches. She didn't recognize my brother (her 60 year old son) when he went to visit her and scolds my sister for not "knocking on the wall in the right place to get the nurses attention so they can send Mom home".

I was a menopause baby and lost Dad when I was 19. Going through the trauma of the house and now sitting here waiting for her to die, I just want to pull my hair out. To make matters worse my husband has gone for 5 days with the kids to visit his dying grandmother. Since his leaving around lunchtime, I have been to 2 yardsales, gone to shop for supplies for about 5 projects for the house, painted part of the front edging on the house and scraped out all the old grout from the bathroom tile, and it's only 6PM. LOL.

Well sorry for the long post but I just had to vent, especially after reading the previous posts. Am I a rotten daughter for not going to see her and she passes? I told my sister that I wouldn't be coming down for me, but to either comfort mom or take some of the stress off my sister. Bless you all and I know everything will work out!

-Vicki

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Vicki, I am sorry to hear your mom is going through such a change in her soul. I would never think of you badly as her daughter, because you must consider so many things about taking such a trip. First and foremost, you are the one who must have peace of mind with your own decisions. If you are comfortable with your choices, continue in them. I understand the issues at hand, more than the ten hour trip. You need to consider her emotional volatility as well. It would be nice if we could "unscrew" our parents moods like a nuclear warhead, disarming it. But alas, this isn't the case. I grew up in a difficult family, so I know how straining such things can become. Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, and please do something to pamper and spoil yourself. I hope you get to have a great weekend, and enjoy more of the painting. Please feel welcome to write any time. We're here because we care and are going through our own sorrows too. May you have the peace and strength and hope for the day. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, when I (finally) noticed your post in another thread, I replied there, as it was befitting for that topic. People in the United States are getting out the noisy toys for Independence Day, which doesn't affect me much (I'm Canadian, living in the States). I had a difficult day, but after tears and coming here for comfort, I feel better. We're fortunate to have this website. This people here are amazing. Talk with you soon. Mark

[Guest Guest]

Hi.

I read your post today and began to cry. I relate to your feelings. My mom is currently battling cancer. She was diagnosed only a year ago and it's been a roller coaster ride and she has gone from bad to worse. She has had a horrible year and is now in the hospital, intestines collapsed and there is nothing more doctors can do. She has been through so much torture and she is still fighting, not willing to give up.

I just cannot deal with this grief. My mom and I are so close and I am not just saying that because she is sick. She is having a hard time accepting her fate, as am I.

I am looking for any advice you might have. I feel like I just cannot cope. Thanks for listening.

[lauraa]

Dear Guest,

My heart aches for what you are going thru right now....I loved my dad so much and it was so hard to see him suffer and to know I was going to loose him and have to say goodbye to him.....I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps to have the courage to be with him in his final days.....My husband was also ill at the time and passed away six months after my dad so at the time my dad was near the end I had to leave my husband to go say goodbye to my dad......all I can say is just hold her in your arms and cry and tell her how dear she is to you and how she shaped your life and made you the person you are today.....I am crying so hard as I write this because that is what I did with my dad and quite honestly I haven't had the time to really grieve his passing as I have been so deep into loosing my husband and keeping everything going here........I am so sorry you are hurting like this.I know the hollow feeling you have......close you eyes and ask yourself what you need to do now while she can still communicate with you that you will always remember later that will give you comfort thru your pain......I have no regrets with my dad and will never forget the precious moments we shared in his final days.......I will pray for you!

[lolaangell]

I just joined this group yesterday, and don't know if I am doing this "right" or not, but, my 78 year old husband of 35 years was diagnosed with lung cancer about a month ago, it has spread into the lymph nodes, and the inevitable seems to be approaching much too fast for me. He has not been well for over a year, and I was blaming it on his emphysema. He had absolutely no energy, and tired from the smallest activities.

About two weeks ago, Hospice was called in to help us. They have been a godsend to me. However, the 24/7 care on my part is taking a toll on me. I am so tired. Husband is trying to get "all his ducks in a row" for me, and it's about to drive me crazy.

Except when he's sleeping, I have no time for me. There are the household chores, the grocery shopping, the yard to be mowed, etc, etc. (We do not have the financial resources to hire things done) Hospice offers volunteers to relieve me, but I hate to bother them unless I have to.

I love him with all my heart, but at times, I just wish he would "go." I feel so guilty about these feelings, and I cry almost all of the time, but don't let him see me. God, I hate myself! It's not natural to feel this way about someone we love.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Lola

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Lolaangell, I am so very sorry your husband is so ill, and things are now so difficult for you. Lola, please do not hate yourself at all for how you feel. Please. You still must tend to the dishes, the lawn, and there will be more, like the roof, the car repairs, and the most painful of all, when he passes from this life. My wife was diagnosed with dystrophy about six years ago, and for her, there is no time frame as there is in cancer. She endures a hellish pain, so very brutal, and one day, God will spare her more and let her die. It's okay, perfectly fine to want the one person we love more than ourselves to die. It's okay. We know what is going to happen, how this will "play out", so by saying what we do, we are only accepting the reality of our situation. I know the stress of all this. I now sleep maybe 4 or 5 hours a day. I also remember the first time I went shopping without my wife, something she loves to do. The first time I went to the mall without her, I sat in the mall parking lot for hours, crying. I was in an emotional shock that I was there without her. Please do a few things to care for yourself. Please try to get the rest you NEED. Please be sure to eat well. And please, for yourself, get out of the house once in a while. This will ease the stress for you, which helps primarilly, but also secondarilly by allowing you to feel better toward your husband while you're home. Please write when you can, and let us know how you're doing. We are all here because we care. This is our place of healing, of hope, and of communication. I'll pray for you. May God bless you along the way. Again, please don't hate yourself, because these feelings are completely natural, a part of what we all must go through in this grieving process. I'm here for you. Mark

[mom2four]

Thanks Mark, for the encouragement. My sister just called and said that mom has been transported to a nursing home. My sister has a meeting with the NH on Monday to discuss "funding for her treatment" since Humana insurance only covers short-term care. Mom has some money from the sale of her home of 60 years, but that seems to add insult to injury.

I sometimes wonder if she had stayed in the house and had someone to take care of her if she could have lived out the rest of her time in comfort and peace. Now she is completely out of her mind from confusion and screams whenever she tries to stand on her feet from the broken hip. She may never walk again, especially if she doesn't get moving. I have offered several times over the years to have mom move in with me so I can take care of her, but I sometimes wonder if that's the best solution for everyone involved.

Well thanks for letting me vent, I think what scares me the most about this whole thing is am I looking in a mirror at MY future? My grandma and ggm were both the same way at the end. Well, everyone have a good weekend and take care!

-Vicki

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Vicki, please vent all you want, any time you want. This is why we're here, because we care about each other. This is where I find comfort in my own sorrow. My wife is in a nursing home for a day treatment program, giving her nursing and other services, and giving me a little time to sleep. Paying for these things is nearly impossible. At the worst case scenario, they try to get people to go on Medicaid, which means they immediately lose their homes and every possession worth two cents. Going through this, I wonder if there's a way to start a private care facility where we can place our parents or spouses, but without the beaureaucracy, the most expensive part. As this plays out for your future, all I'm going to suggest is this- please take good care of yourself, Vicki, and when that day comes, we'll have to see what happens. I'm praying for you. Please feel welcome to write any time. Always here to listen, Mark

[lolaangell]

Mark, thank you for your kind words. Unlike you, I am grateful that Bruce is not in any pain, at the moment anyway. It must be terribly difficult to watch your wife suffer so. Many people are telling me that Bruce's time is very limited from what I have told them about his condition. For two days now, he has not eaten anything solid. Yesterday, he had about a fourth of a can of beer, and today a small amount of orange juice and maybe a half a can of beer. He's also getting confused about things, insisting that I do something I've just done, or telling me that I used to do something a certain way when I never did. I don't seem to have it as "bad" as others in this forum. God Bless you, and I hope things get better for you.

Lola

Lolaangell, I am so very sorry your husband is so ill, and things are now so difficult for you. Lola, please do not hate yourself at all for how you feel. Please. You still must tend to the dishes, the lawn, and there will be more, like the roof, the car repairs, and the most painful of all, when he passes from this life. My wife was diagnosed with dystrophy about six years ago, and for her, there is no time frame as there is in cancer. She endures a hellish pain, so very brutal, and one day, God will spare her more and let her die. It's okay, perfectly fine to want the one person we love more than ourselves to die. It's okay. We know what is going to happen, how this will "play out", so by saying what we do, we are only accepting the reality of our situation. I know the stress of all this. I now sleep maybe 4 or 5 hours a day. I also remember the first time I went shopping without my wife, something she loves to do. The first time I went to the mall without her, I sat in the mall parking lot for hours, crying. I was in an emotional shock that I was there without her. Please do a few things to care for yourself. Please try to get the rest you NEED. Please be sure to eat well. And please, for yourself, get out of the house once in a while. This will ease the stress for you, which helps primarilly, but also secondarilly by allowing you to feel better toward your husband while you're home. Please write when you can, and let us know how you're doing. We are all here because we care. This is our place of healing, of hope, and of communication. I'll pray for you. May God bless you along the way. Again, please don't hate yourself, because these feelings are completely natural, a part of what we all must go through in this grieving process. I'm here for you. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Lola, being unable to eat for a few days can be a sign of more serious issues ahead, which we all grow to expect and try to understand with time. Confusion may mean that his brain isn't getting proper oxygen, so you may want to discuss this with his physician. My wife was diagnosed with dystrophy six years ago - I thought children were born with it, but there are many types of the disease. She has been getting episodes that are either transient ischemic attacks (mini strokes), or the illness is creating these attacks while they aren't truly strokes. There is no way to determine either way. But, saying this, she gets terribly confused, getting upset at our son for not answering her when she sent him to the store ten minutes ago. Memory loss can be upsetting at times, even frustrating, but we can get through it with a little bit of humor (most of the time). Please don't feel like you are going through any less than anyone else. Losing your husband is the most painful and emotionally exhausting thing you will ever endure in this life. I don't say this to upset you, but to let you know that we are all equal here, and we don't place a gradient scale on the severity. This is serious business, and we are all here to help. Please continue to take the best care of yourself that you can. You need to rest so you may have the needed strength to care for your husband. This also means you eat well, so you have enough energy. I'll keep a prayer for you. May you have all you need for today. Mark

[peter1]

Surviving a Heart Attack (just read)

This one is definitely worth your minute: I suffered a heart attack recently and I did one thing that brought almost immediate relief.

With all my strength I tried to stretch my body and overcome the bending position one is forced to when suffering a heart attack.

I put myself in supine position, put my STRETCHED ARMS TO THE SIDES at slightly greater tha right angle and stopped tossing and turning and moving my fingers, which I thought was the best way to REDUCE ADRENALINE – the main culprit of a HA. I felt almost immediate improvement in the depth of my breath, the pain the muscle cramp started receding. After 15 minutes I was able to stand up.

Putting arms to the sides looks to make the chest and muscles inside it expand and that streches the cramped heart muscle (like soccer players stretch their cramped calf by bending the foot to the maximum, just raise your arms above the head level and you can see it does make the chest expand). Staying totally motionless seems to induce a state of maximum relaxation of the body (which reduces adrenaline.) and muscles (including the heart muscle).

Please try using this technique when facing death. It can really help you and your relatives survive a heart attack.

Greetings

Peter

[suelowe]

My dad died of a massive heart attack, apparently no one could save him. i have mixed feelings towards the suggestion you read. While i think it's great and possible a relief to those who maybe in fear of a heart attack or whatever, this could be something to try, in another opinion, it sort of angers me as my dad's attack happened such a long time ago, it makes me think 'oh thanks for the advice, it's a bit late now' sort of thing. it's just anger over my dad's death which brings feelings about it now, having read the suggestion, if my dad had that knowledge many years ago, he probably would have been alive today, but then probably not as it was so severe.

sorry if i seem ungrateful, it's good that you're sharing this with people out there who are perhaps concerned about their heart.

regards

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, maybe you're not ungrateful, but realistic. You have come a long way on a dusty road, and you've walked it mostly alone (I talk about the emotional aspect of healing from the wounds of grief). Maybe something could have helped him, maybe not. Please don't let this get to your precious heart. Give yourself a little time to remember him, to think about the good times, and then start back on your journey of healing. Always here for you, Mark

[suelowe]

Mark, i dreamt of my dad last night! i don't remember much of what we did, but he drove me somewhere in his car, i think he picked me up from some place too. when i dream of him, i know he's still with me. i think it's his way of saying 'hi, i'm still here!' i find it a relief when i dream of him.

what do (and others) think??

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, I've been away for a few days, but I'm back. I don't doubt this for a second. My daughter Jennifer has come back to me occassionally since last August. Sometimes, her visits make me miss her more, but mostly, they bring me comfort. I miss my little girl. When your dad or mum visit, don't be afraid. That's about all I can say. hugs, Me

[suelowe]

mark, i'm sorry for the delay in replying on this part but i was just stuck for words. i get like that sometimes. i miss my dad a lot, but the pain of my mum is like eating a brick..yes it's that hard. i understand on your side too. oh my. take good care ((((((((((mark)))))))) i'm not afraid when they visit, it just makes it seem more real to me, cos they aren't here in body if you get what i mean, which....god i don't know. my brain's mashed at the moment, so sorry if i don't make sense.

talk to you soon x

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, I can only say this. Sssshhhhh. Rest yourself. You make so much sense, I know exactly what you mean. Today is a bit rough on me. My wife is in hospital, and the doctors aren't sure quite exactly what's wrong yet. They don't know if the dystrophy is turning into a real monster of destruction, or if she's developing heart failure, or what. So, I'm trying to calm myself with a video of Pink Floyd. I know you miss your dad, but you also miss your mum too, both so much you could most likely scream and cry and toss a temper tantrum all at once. I know. It's okay. Even so, there are two of us here with ((((((((hugs)))))))) for ((((((((you)))))))), just because you're a very special you. Take special care of yourself, please. We're always thinking of you, with prayers too. I'll write tomorrow to let you know if there's any news from the doctors. Try to have a good day. Please get some rest. I think it sounds like you need a day just for you. hugs, Mark

[suelowe]

thank you mark, here's a hug for you and mary too (((((((((mark & mary)))))))). i think i'll close my eyes and rest for a bit. it's actually quite tiring to think this and that every minute of the day. it may sound daft but the reason i probably rest so little is because a part of me dosent think i'm worthy of resting, but hey, my body tells me to do so, so i guess a good relaxing time is what i need. i'm going to play keane for a bit. i hope you enjoyed your Pink Floyd video too.

luvs and hugs

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Sue, I had to grab a Keane cd. Pretty cool. I want you to take care of yourself, as in eat and rest. You ARE worth it. She's in hospital, and her doctor called me this morning to tell me they found another illness. This one is also potentially fatal. I feel sick today. I'll write a little more later on, but now, I need to spend some time with my tears. I'll write this afternoon. Just take good care of you, and please try to spoil yourself a little. Then blame it on me. tee hee. I'll let you know how my sweetie's doing. She's strong, so I'm sure she'll do okay. (((((hugs))))) & luvz, Me

[suelowe]

hi mark, yes keane are really good in my opinion. A lot of my friends know that i love keane, but it's only when i explain the reason why, then they don't wind me up as much! i had a dream of my mum last night, and for some reason today my chest feels tight, like i have asthma or something. i have mild anxiety anyway, but i really don't like it when my chest is tight.

I'm really sorry to hear that doctors found another illness after doing the tests. if it's not one thing it's another....my mum had about 5 things wrong with her when she was ill, so i can relate to the shock of learning that a loved one has yet another illness. i completely understand you need time with your tears, as my brother said to me once 'better out than in' so to speak.

My thoughts are with both of you (((((((((mark and mary)))))))))

God bless xx

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, I hope you can grow to accept that your precious mum will forever be with you. Oh, she's always going to pop in for some little visit, or maybe tea when you really don't feel like making tea (say at 2 AM). tee hee. That feeling in your chest, hon, is probably a combination of stress from what's happening and the love you feel for your mum. Don't let it get you as much as make you feel good about how much love there is between you and mum. This is a priceless gift. You're so blessed.

Yesterday was rough, but we got through. No coming home. Straight to nursing home. I'm not happy, but it's for the "best", I guess. I'll keep you up to date on it all. When the unhappy day comes for her funeral, you are welcome to attend with the rest of the family. Love to have you there.

((((((((((hugz)))))))))), luvz, Mark

[suelowe]

Mark, my dearest mum has been 'popping in' a lot recently, there have been times when i've told her to 'go away', or i just miss her so that my ribs ache. how's that for a feeling!

well, i have to say that i'm truly, deeply honoured that you wish to have me attend your wife's funeral, along with the family. i keep saying 'oh my god!!' to myself. one of my dreams is to go to america, that amazingly huuugggeeee place, but i'm at this time, i'm unable to make the trip. WOW! AMERICA!! oh god mark, i'm soooo sorry! In light of this unruly decision of me not being able to attend, would it be any consolation to you and the family if i attended my local church and light a candle for you and mary at a service?? i think it would help me to feel better, or provide sanity at least because it's so sad that i won't be able to be at your wife's funeral.

please tell me if this is ok!!

thank you so very much for the invitation, i feel very honoured by this.

hugz

sue

[suelowe]

Mark, apologies for one message after another here...the reason i'm unable to make the trip to the USA is because of financial reasons and the fact that, well, i've never been there before either. But please don't forget that the fact you invited me over, it feels like such a huge honour for me. thank you so much.

hhhmm, i hope you understand?..

take good care x

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Sue, I'll email you about the funeral. I do love the candle. It's such a lovely thought. How sweet of you. We have some hard details about her care to face on Wednesday, so I'm begging for prayers (such a mooch for prayers aren't I?). It's getting to difficult dealing with those who think they have authority to decide what's best for her care. I'm so thankful I quit drinking and doing drugs years ago. Still sober and clean through the stress. A lot going on, but I'll write to you about it later when I have more information. luv ya, Mark

[suelowe]

Mark, i feel i want to give you a hug ((((((((((mark))))))))).uummmm...have a big bowl of tomato soup!! my thoughts to you an mary at this unavoidable time of 'not-really-on-this-planet-cos-of-things' period.

luv 2 u all

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Sue, thanks. Ooooo, tomato soup. Now I can't resist having a grilled cheese sandwich with it. Last night was amazing. She's home! At 10 pm, I began the orientation of our third shift aide, a very nice, professional person who took such excellent care of her through the night, I had no trouble sleeping. I even woke this morning to the smell of coffee. She made me coffee! I'm getting spoiled . . . hehehe. We still have to face the reality of this situation, why we have a homeful of people tripping me up at every turn, some stranger in my kitchen, and a cabinet full of new medications. We also have to see countless doctors for this. They want to do evaluations to see if there is a way to give me a timeline for her life, but I don't think this is possible, yet if I can know how long they expect her to live, I'd like to know. Still stressful, but things seem to be improving. Are you doing okay? I keep a prayer for you, and this big hug for ((((((((((Sue)))))))))). Luv ya from both of us.

[suelowe]

hi mark, i'm glad you enjoyed your tomato soup! i just felt like handing you a big bowl of soup from around the globe...har har! i feel like it's been ages since being on here....i looked at my mum last night then lo and behold i dreamt of her. i love her loads an i miss her loads..!

i'm soo very glad you have a very nice, professional shift aide, at least it takes the pressure of you. i like waking to the smell of tea and toast in the morning, i'm not really a coffee person, but hey each to their own!

i can relate to you seeing countless doctors for things like the evaluations etc, i've been back and forth to see different doctors recently for infections and the like, but i'm trying to drink water by the gallon, as well as eating good. i've got about 5 or 6 different boxes of tablets, all for different things, so i guess i could build a small house with those boxes!

Can i suggest something? when they do tell you about mary's timeline, just be prepared for what they say. i mean, i know you have the knowledge that she will pass on soon, but, y'know, it's when they actually tell you that reality sort of hits you strong. Im saying this cos when doctors told me about my mum, the blood just drained from me (i asked about her timeline, and the doctor put his thumb and index finger together and did this 'shrinking' action as if to say 'times running out'! and just looked at me with huge concern).

i think you know what to expect, but you know, it's just what i've experienced.

take good care and have a hug ((((((((((((((mark and mary))))))))))))) from over here! I'm doing ok i'm taking my time over things because as you read from my email, i'm on and off, but with all my cream cakes, i'm doing well

speak soon!

luv n hugs

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, you're dear. Tomato soup. Thanks for lunch. We must do this again. (smiling) I'm going to tell you something. You shall always miss your mum. I miss my granddad after twentyfive years. cream cakes? You must have metabolism like mine! I can eat all day, but it never shows. I can't gain an ounce. Oh, you saw my photo. hehehe. My girls call me a twig. Our aides make coffee in the morning, but I'm like you: I like tea, with just a little sugar in it. When I have coffee, only at night, and straight up black. I began talking about time with the docs. It's not an issue of the dystrophy, but of the meds losing the fight and the pain putting her in shock, causing a stroke. This is how she'll ultimately die, in horrible pain and with a stroke. By the way her meds are going, this can be as soon as one year to the most three. I find it almost comforting to know what will happen and when. For tonight, I'm okay. We're sending our (((((((Sue))))))) lotsa hugs, with our love, Mark & Mary

[suelowe]

mark, you're welcome! could you make me a large chocolate cookie?? i don't know if missing my mum hurts more than when she actually died. god, i don't know what's hardest! i'm quite slim too, people ask me 'where does the weight go?' and i say 'in my sock!' and that usually does the trick because of my spinal condition, im unable to put on lots of weight, but yes, i do eat.

i like tea with full fat milk and 2 sugars, piping hot. don't like coffee, although i tried drinking it many years ago to look cool, but it didn't work! i'm sending a big squishy prayer for you and mary and an even squishier hug to you both (((((((((((((((((((((mark and mary)))))))))))))))))))))), 2 wonderful people! thank you for my hug.

lotsa luv and hugs

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

aaahhh, so yer a twig like me??? hehehe. Chocolate cookie? Sure, kiddo. How about with chocolate chips in it? Oooo, I'm gonna spoil the kid. Coffee; I have to drink the "gourmet" kind with all the flavors. I can't stand the yuckie stuff. Oh, poooooo! My dad drinks that stuff that tastes like liquified tires mixed with acid. I can't do it. Gotta ask a silly question in my next email, when it gets to you. I'll send it tonight, so who knows when you'll get it? hehehe. I ain't going there again. Promise, hon. We had plenty enough of that conversation to last a long time. hehehe. ((((((((((((((Sue))))))))))))), we love ya. Please take very good care of yourself. I'll talk with you soon. M&Ms

[suelowe]

yis mark, i'm a twig! god, this email made me laugh! make the chocolate chips a double helping ta.....i'm wondering, is the 'gourmet' drink the 'herbal' type, you know, natural stuff? most of my friends love the yuckie stuff, but like you, i don't like the yuckie stuff.....not sure if tea is counted as the yuckie stuff?? yikes, where is this going? s'fun though! by the way i love chocolate!

silly question????? ok, i look forward to this silly question! i'll get your email soon i imagine.....no i aint going there again either hehehe. does make you wonder though don't it? anyhow, anyhow, take care and have a hug ((((((((mark mary))))))))) talk soon.

sue

[Guest Guest]

I found out today that my mother has lung cancer. The doctor does not think that the cancer originated in her lung (the left one) and we suspect that she also has colon cancer. The tests for that are tomorrow. I live in Colorado. She lives in Florida. I am an only child and my Dad passed away 8 years ago. I am going to bring her here. The doctors say that will be fine as she will be on oxygen so the altitude will not bother her that much. I work. I am engaged and will get married for the 2nd time on Christmas Eve. My mind is just swimming about how to handle all of this. If she actually lives with me, she will have to have daytime care and probably some nursing care to administer shots etc. I am checking out a hospice apartment that would give her full time care and is close to me. I want to do the best for her. She has been a great Mom and my best friend. Now I need to be the best daughter. I want her last days to be here with family but I am also trying to nurture my soon to be new marriage. My head is spinning so fast that I can hardly think. I'm hoping someone can calm me down and point me in a productive direction.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

To our new guest, I'm sorry your mom is now fighting lung cancer. It sounds like you're actively trying to do the very best for her. Gather all the information you can, and set out two or three courses of action that seem to be best. Look at them all and select the one you believe is best for her and you. To have a hospice apartment near you sounds like a good idea. You said you "need to be the best daughter". From what I'm reading, I'd say you already are. You have such a love for your mom. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and her, for peace of mind and for what you need for the day. Please write anytime about anything important to you, or that you need to talk about. We're here to listen and help.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue my dear, Tea is always the good stuff. So are chocolate chip cookies. Dip them in milk (if you aren't allergic). In a few months, I'll be making pumpkin cookies covered with walnuts. We always have oranges and juice and cookies for Christmas breakfast. Now that I made you hungry, here's a big hug for tonight. luv ya, me and my sweetie

[daughter4]

Hello....I was searching for a support group and found you guys online. My mom was diagonised with terminal Tongue cancer in March....which is kinda ironic because she has never smoked or chewed tobacco and had always frowned upon such habits. My mom lives in India and I live in the US and that's what makes it very difficult for me. I have a 2 year old who is very attached to her father. I did go to India and spent 3 months with my mom, but I had to come back because my daughter was missing her dad a lot (My husband couldn't come there because of his job). When I decieded to come back, mom seemed to have stablized, but now she is deteriorating again...I have two sisters who are there and they keep me updated on everything, but it is just getting too much for me. I am so torn...Mom is suffering..I want to be there with her, but my daughter needs her father..plus there is the whole financial aspect too (travelling is expensive). I can't leave my daughter here and go.I am so very depressed. I keep crying all the time. Then I deciede I'm not going to call everyday to find out how mom is doing. I'm fine for 2 days and then again on the 3rd day I have to call and it starts all over again. I just can't seem to get a grip over my feelings. I know that she is going to go eventually..but I am not prepared for it. And then I hear about her pain and discomfort..at times from mom herself (she rarely complains and always tries to put up a brave front), and then I wish that her suffering would end. It's the same with everyone in the faamily...my sisters..dad. I think Dad is in denail..He is trying all possible treatements, but he can see that it is a losing battle and it is affecting him too. I want to pray but then I don't know what to pray and I just end up crying. My husband is very supportive, but I know it is affecting him and my daughter too. I just feel so very helpless. I wish there was something I could do.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughter4, I am so very deeply sorry your mom is fighting this battle with cancer, and with such a sad outcome. Please don't feel you are doing the wrong thing, or that you are hurting your precious mom, or that she feels badly or negatively by your absence from her side. Next, please try to understand that we all face a myriad of emotions when we face losing a parent, or spouse (as I'm facing), or losing a child (my daughter died ten years ago). The stress and emotional turmoil at this time can bring on despair and depression, so seek to preserve your own peace of mind too. This is about you as much as anyone else. If you can, ask your husband to help you write out a few courses of action that will be suitable for this time of need in your family. Then, both of you together select the one that will work the best for everyone. Whatever plan you select, you will find it necessary for someone in the family to make adjustments or sacrifices. Yet, this may be a workable resolution for all of you. As good as it would be for you to travel to India and stay with her, I agree with you about the expense. It prohibits making repeated trips or one long trip. Even from here, do whatever you can for your mom, and please don't let guilt overwhelm you. You love her, and she knows you do. You are doing all you can to be with her, and she knows this too. If you can, try to take a little time just for you, to do somethng you enjoy. Have a bubble bath, with candles, and even a good book. Do a little something for yourself, which will help your emotional wellbeing. I understand the difficulty praying. I know not what religion you practice, but no matter, your God understands. Open up your heart, and if all God hears are your tears, these are enough. I believe the eternal Spirit understands what we mean even when we cry "our hearts out". My thoughts and prayers are with you, for what you need this moment, this day, and for peace. Please feel free to write again anytime. We are always here to listen and do all we can to help each other.

[suelowe]

mark are you there? i miss you! my mind's been running riot for the past few days over little things. i think i annoyed you. i'm sorry.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((mark))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

sue

[daughter4]

alwaysmyjennifer, Thank you for your advice. I just saw it today. Actually, I had forgotten the website and it took me some time to find it. Now i have it marked in my Favourites menu. I called up mom today after 5 days. She still sounded like she was in pain.....does the pain ever reduce???? My sisiter told me that mom has lost even more weight and now she is a bag of bones covered by skin. Dad also sounded very tired....He keeps saying that when mom gets better he needs to this...when mom gets better, then this can happen.. OH..it is so heart-wrenching. I don't know what's going to happen to him when mom goes. I just wish that somehow God would listen to all our prayers and grant mom her most cherished wish of seeing her only son marrried. But I have such a pig of a brother who is so hard-hearted that he is on his own high-horse and so very selfish that he won't even let mom and dad meet prospective brides.If he would just let her do that, it would make mom so happy and divert her from her pain and maybe who knows, even bolster her will-power to fight this terrible thing.We can't even talk to our brother about this coz if we even mention this topic he flares up and that paions mom even more. It's like a total helpless situation....

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Daughter4, when we have to watch the ones we love so dearly suffer in such a way, you have placed upon it the only words I can think too. This is heart-wrenching. Remain as close as you can with your sisters. As for your brother, he must walk the path he sees. He can change directions when his love and wisdom show him a new path. As painful as it is for you and your family, especially your dear parents, there is little they can do directly to alter his ways. You say he doesn't bring a lady home to meet them. Could it be possible he feels unsure of himself, or fears mom and dad's rejection of his choice of life mate? Some young men becomed stressed and anxious over this issue. Meeting my mother and father in law was horrifying to me, so it may be that "she" feels uncertain. However, this is not a time to be afraid, but bold and loving. A little coaxing may help, but not with chiding. I am so very sorry hearing of your mom's condition. The course of an illness can be devastating on the family too. It hurts beyond words to see the decline. Guide your dad with all the love you have in your heart. He is feeling the disillusionment and denial of what is only a beginning for him. Let him choose his own path of grieving, but keep in mind we all grieve in a similar way. Your dad has nothing but hope, hope that the only woman he could ever love will come home, and be healthy again. For now, let him have this. He has to face the stages in his own way. I know you feel helpless, but please don't lose hope. This is a difficult and painful time, yet you shall get through it. I promise you that. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your whole family. mark

[daughter4]

Oh Mark, Thank you for your prayers. I know I will get through this eventually. I lived through the loss of my best friend..I lived through the loss of our first child 2 hours after he was born...I just am not ready for this right now. This is different...this is like living with the agony and pain that my family is feeling....there is no one to say that it will be alright. We'll get through it together. Because everyone is feeling so depressed that we have all clammed up in our shells.

Yesterday was such a terrible day...I spoke with mom and dad...I felt depressed...I called my sisiter and she was also feeling depressed...that made me even more depressed..and then the whole day, I did not have any patience for my daughter and kept pushing her away and getting angry with her for no reason at all. At the end of the day, I felt even more worse...I felt depressed and a felt like a bad mom. My husband had a talk with me last night and told me to shake out of this and do whatever it takes. I'm trying, but I keep failing.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughter4, getting through these emotions is the most difficult and painful thing we can face. But, please don't be too rough and unforgiving for being angry at your daughter and pushing her away. Use a more direct approach tho. You'll find it helpful for her and you. Tell her exactly what you feel, and how jumbled your feelings are. Let her know you always love her, even if you're under stress and grieving. For some reason, we all seem to clam up and recluse, and then our children take the brunt of our feelings. Thank the Almighty, children are forgiven and loving. Please rest in knowing our prayers and thoughts are with you. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, my turn. Are you okay? I didn't hear from you, so was wondering if you're okay or ill. Here's more hugs for you. I'll send more as soon as possible. Hope all is well, and that you are able to enjoy some happy things each day. Is the chicken soup good? I have more if you need it. (smiling). luv ya, with hugs for our (((((Sue))))), Mark

[suelowe]

mark, i'm FULL of the cold so i feel a bit off! i've been worried about you, to be honest cos you have that much on at the moment. the chicken soup is wonderful, it's got the tenderest pieces of chicken!

i've got another message to send you, one of inspiration and hope.

just want you to know that although i'm not there in person, i'm there in heart and mind.

luv u

sue x

[peanutschultz]

Hello to new friends~

My 81 year old mother has been given weeks to live. A very long story short, she fell at home, fractured her pelvis, and then was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer. It is also in a lung lymph node and in her brain. As I am in healthcare, I saw this coming way before my family. A week of frustration in dealing with their denial kind of suspended the impact for me until yesterday. The first doctor said maybe not days or weeks but months. The palliative care doctor said maybe a month. She is going into a hospice house at first opportunity.The surrealness is overwhelming. I understand it is the bodys defense to the pain, but geez! I am a recovering alcoholic/addict, sober 19 years. This is my first experience with death in my immediate family. Even my grandparents deaths did not create this maelstrom of grief. My mom was diagnosed with Alziemers long before the metastisis in the brain, so Ive been losing her slowly anyway. Because of the dynamics present while she was in my fathers care, my contact with her was limited. I thought that once she finally made it into a skilled facility I would get to spend time with her one on one. This was never in the picture at all, obviously. My eldest brother will be in Tuesday from out of state. The family stuff, that alone is going to be most surreal. We have not been altogether as a family for years. Some drinking, some not. Estrangements, yes. It is renewing a lot of old hurts . . . unrealistic expectations for normalcy on my part, I think. We are what we are, extremely dysfunctional, separate or together. I hope and pray this is as healing an event as is possible and not full of further stupid wedges of separation between my family. There sure are enough already. Needless to say it has been an education for me as to how the people around me handle grief. It is so painful to find most of my family/friends/coworkers are illequipped. And Im seeing where I have been unintentially ignorant in consoling others in the past as well. It is helping me to not be too hurt at the brush offs people appear to be giving just because they are so uncomfortable. And that, my new friends is why I am here with you.

So, Im gonna walk through and not around, one day , one step at a time.

Thank you so much for walking with me.

Li

I'm a pilgrim on the edge,

on the edge of my perception

We are travelers at the edge,

we are always at the edge of our perceptions.

--Scott Mutter

[clittlelady]

Hello to Everyone. My heart hurts for you all. Wanted to especially say hello to MARK. Even though I've not been posting, you've been in my prayers. You, as so many others here still remain in my heart as those who befriended me and took me in as extended family when I lost my Mother last year. Yes, last year. The one year anniversary came and went August 30th. How still so fresh in my memory and heart, the pain and absence of a dear little woman, then again, it seems like an eternity since I last heard her frail, shakey voice. I recall our Precious Friend Marilyn often and how her brief time in my life strengthened all that much more. Mark, I have shared so many sad things with you, I wanted to share something wonderful with you. I found out a few days ago, I'm going to be a Grandmother, for the first time!!! We are all very surprised, as my daughter-in-law was on the birth control pill and continued to have a monthly cycle. Get this, my GRANDSON is due NEXT MONTH, October 28th, the day before my son's birthday! This little fellow is already throwing Meemaw a curve ball before he even gets here. Don't know if you recall, but this is my only son and he had assured me they would never have children, not because he doesn't love them, but because of the world we live in today. He now admits to me, from the ten foot cloud he is perched on now, that this proves to him that if God wants you here, it's going to happen regardless and he couldn't be happier. He is beaming. I saw my grandson on the ultrasound day before yesterday and through my tears of joy, I realized that once again, the Circle of Life continues. The void that the loss of my Mother has left in my heart can never be replaced, but this amazing rush gives me a new purpose, a renewal of my spirit.

I thank you for your friendship Mark. Keep us in your prayers.

Peace and comfort to you all. Luv... Connie

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Peanutschultz, I am so very sorry your precious and loving mom is facing these final moments in her life. If I may offer you this from a counselor, and from a father who lost his daughter when she was raped and murdered, I've learned by spending a lot of time here on beyondindigo, men and women grieve in vastly different ways. Children and adults also are different in the way grief and death are perceived and dealt with. Denial is not necessarilly a bad thing, unless it's used as a social crutch - this can happen within a family setting, and the family members may "play" off each other with their degrees of denial. Denial is our psyche protecting itself from the trauma of what is happening. It's how we ease ourselves into the process of grieving. Sons are usually touchy about mom's death. Men are supposed to be the "protector" of the family, but when mom is dying, a son can be overwhelmed and ultimately feel hopeless and helpless. Keep an eye on the boys, and please watch for depression. You know the signs. Give each the right to grieve in her or his own way, as we are all unique. My thoughts and prayers are with you through this difficult and painful time. May you all be given everything you need for the day, and peace.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, a grandbaby!?!?! Oh, yippee!!!!! You're going to be going through more emotional changes than I dare try to tell. When our baby has a baby, all bets are off. Remember how differently you thought when you were pregnant for your first? It's sorta like that, but with a twist of lemon. Be open minded to everything, girl. hehehe. You're in for a lot of fun.

Oh, it's so sweet to think of our dear Marilyn. I do miss our sister so. She drew us in and together like magic! She took a bunch of people from the four corners, and for a few enchanted months, made us her - our family. Isn't she sweet?!

Connie, my "sister", please do keep in touch. I'd love to share grandbaby pics and stories, if you're interested, so here's my email address . . . . bluesbassist72@yahoo.com. God bless you with your new addition to the larger family you've just become. Do you remember how to change diapers? hehehe.

Hope to hear from ya in a little while. with a hug for my friend, luvs, Mark