I Miss Him So...

[rodless]

Sidvis, you do belong here. I can see that it's hard to understand why someone who is remarried is still posting, but that's the great thing about this board. We all accept each other wherever we are. I am sorry for your loss. I loved your prayer and I own the book you mentioned. God bless you as you travel this lonely road. Mary Jo

PS.... It's easier for me to do short posts than worry about timing out. I haven't conquered notepad yet. I promise I'm done for the night!!

[bsnurse76]

We all belong here and gain different things from this site. Everyone on this site has been a support for me. Darren and I had plans of marriage and children but we were unable to live out that dream. I still have the dream to have children and that will involve having to love someone else. Do I believe it will mean I don't love Darren as much or miss him less? No, Darren will always be apart of my heart and my life. He is part of the reason I am the person I am today. It helps me alot to read about others experiences especially with moving on into new relationships. I know I am not ready for a relationship now but it gives me hope that one day I will be. Darren would of never wanted me to give up on my dreams. I only hope I can make him proud. Thanks everyone. Brandi

[susanbruce]

To Michelle, Mary Jo and Susan (Just Broken) - thanks for your congratulations on our grandson. I spent a few hours with him Saturday afternoon. We took him over to Bruce's brother's to meet that side of the family. It was pretty nice but my Bruce should have been there. He probably was in his own way, just not the way I would like him to be.

Susan, you asked about Bruce. Well he and I married in 1979, had Megan in 1982. She was our only child. I had a difficult labor and scared the crap out of Bruce. He made the decision right then and there - no more babies. He told my parents he thought he was going to lose me.

We had a busy 2005 and early 2006. Megan was engaged in September 2005, graduated from college in December 2005, started a new job in January 2006 and was married in February 2006. Bruce and I always reminded each other that we had made our share of mistakes during our marriage but raising her the way we did, with the person she has turned out to be, well we did that right. When it comes right down to it, that's all that matters in life.

After she was married, he and I were so content in our life. We were really looking forward to enjoying our time together now she was married to the love of her life. We were really very, very content. The things that used to bother us didn't seem to bother us as much, we had each other and a future for just the two of us.

That changed on April 21. We worked for the same company. I took a day of vacation to go to several appointments. When he left for work that morning it was stormy outside, thunder, lightning and heavy rain. We talked 3 times that day, the last time I could tell that something was wrong by the tone of his voice. He told me he was having chest pains. He didn't want me to tell anyone, he kept telling me he would be ok. The last words we said to one another were I Love you. 20 minutes later he had a massive heart attack in his pick up truck. He had agreed that one of our co-workers could take him to the hospital just to get checked out, just to be on the safe side. They didn't even make it to the corner. She put the truck in reverse, called the office and told them to call 911. It was Friday afternoon traffic, the hospital wouldn't tell anyone anything until I got there, they wouldn't tell me anything over the phone. It took over an hour to get there in afternoon traffic, then once we did get there, we had to wait for the doctor. The worst day of my life.

He was 58. He never had any symptoms or problems at all. Turned out he had 95% blockage ini both arteries. My daughter wanted to donate his organs but that was too late so we donated tissue, bone, muscle and his eyes. He would have been pleased with that.

Less than 3 weeks later our daughter learns that she is pregnant. Bittersweet. He would have made the best Grandpa. She told me that her Daddy sent the baby to us so that she and I would be happy again.

We miss him terribly.

[missinmyhubby]

I came on today to read the posts like many of us do on a daily basis. I scrolled down to where I had left off yesterday. I must say that when I first read the comment from “sidvis” that I was incredibly over taken with different emotions. Ranging from that protective shield we have all learned, or are learning, to don when someone makes comments from lack of understanding or experience in the journey that we have all been forced to travel….to some anger….to incredible hurt…to wondering if I offend anyone on here with my words…to just pure shock and hurt from what seemed kind of a hateful thing to say…to just sitting here with no feeling at all…another protective armor we have learned, or are learning, to don as well. And then I read on as tears streamed down my face…so many mixed emotions…so much intense pain…the kind that we all know sneaks up on us without any warning…mixed with the feeling of being wrapped in a warm blanket as I continued to read on and see the words of many on here who do offer me a supportive place to come, even at this stage. To each and everyone of you who offer me support on here, and have allowed me to come and share, thank you so much!!!!!

As most of you already know, I came here within days of DH passing in 2003 to find some kind of miracle to take away the pain that had engulfed me, to fill the hole in my heart that someone had just blown through my chest, to have just one person tell me I wasn’t crazy for wanting to swerve my car in front of that oncoming semi to end all of this (yet not doing so because my kids still needed me), for not being crazy for wanting to put myself in that coffin with him and close the lid so I could go with him because I just couldn’t stand them closing it on him and making him be all alone, to tell me it was okay to have all the distorted thoughts that I was having, to tell me that someday this pain would subside some and not completely engulf me forever like it seemed it would. However, I was not computer savvy at the time and did not find this board until just a few months ago. I couldn’t afford counseling because I had three babies of my own to raise along with two stepchildren that were left behind, with a mother who didn’t want them and a father who had just died. There were no churches in the Podunk town that I had moved to that offered grievance counseling of any type, except one on one with a pastor. Quiet frankly at that time, I was very mad at God and couldn’t bring myself to talk of how his choice to take my husband to a better place was a good thing. I couldn’t get pass that his place was here with me and our children and that any nice God would not have just destroyed my life like that. So, one on one with the pastor or preacher was not an option. I had no other sources available to me at the time. Thank goodness for my mother for her financial support and what emotional support she did have to offer. But, on the flipside, I lost my sister just days after my husband. A lady who had been my best friend for as long as I could remember. She just couldn’t handle my pain and suffering and emotional turmoil and turned her back on me and walked away. I sat alone for three and a half years dealing with this pain all alone until I found the ladies on this board. Sure, I had some close friends who offered emotional support, but not a one of them had ever suffered this kind of loss and could not fully understand, nor scratch the surface of understanding, on what I was going through. Like many others I just kept it all inside. It made it easier for those around me to deal with me. The one person I could talk to was my new husband of today. Oh, he can’t fathom what I was, or still am, going through. But, he allowed me to just be. Much like the story that Claudia wrote. Mark had just been abandoned by his wife of 14 years and left with the whole ball of wax, including the kids, while she ran off with another man to start all over. I had just lost the love of my life to a massive heart attack. We weren’t strangers, but we also didn’t know one another that well. We found comfort in each other though and shared many hours of conversation with one another and learned to start healing a little bit at a time. We didn’t reminisce about anyone, he had never met DH, but we did spend a lot of time grieving together and still do…he for his lost wife/life/marriage and me for my husband. I don’t love him the same way I love DH, and never will, but I love him in a much different way. A kind of love that I can’t describe on here in one or two postings.

Sidvis - So, why do I come on here, and why will I keep coming back? I came back here to maybe help validate all of those feelings that I felt early on, and even those that I still feel to date. But, also to maybe be some kind of support for the ladies on here, in whatever fashion I can offer. Oh how I know the pain that is spoken of on here all to well. And even now I am going through a part of this journey that nobody I have spoken with today can fathom….loving a man I can never have again in this mortal life while learning to move forward and love the man who has become my best friend in the here and now of today. There isn’t a lady on here that I wouldn’t wrap my arms around and hold while she cried endlessly for her lost love, or sit on a couch for hours with and just be, or help in any way I can to lighten their load…..INCLUDING YOU!!!! Please, don’t run from here. You will need the support on here that these ladies can offer you. It is a wonderful place to be!!!!! Keep coming back, I know I will be……

Again…..THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE FOR ME!!!!! ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Angel

[mariemikey]

I woke up this morning with that feeling of sadness of spending the rest of my life without my husband Michael. I am able to run errands and take care of my cats and get everything done I need to do. It's like I am strong enough for the responsibilities I have but not much of else. I take care of my cats who I love very much and I spend time with my sister and speak to my friends who are far away becuase I moved back to where I am from. It didn't seem right staying in a place where we had moved together and built a life together. I have been trying to get settled before starting to work again. I am thinking that I can make some new friends maybe even some close ones. I was thinking it would be a good idea to start out working part time first.

[sidvis]

You know, If you are new to all of this, it is hard to read about happy people. When someone writes that they are off to bed to be with their "warm hubby," well, I just go ballistic, because I came on here to read about people who are as miserable as me. How in the hell was I supposed to know your first husband died in '03? So, you are not helping me by telling me how wonderful your life is now. So, Aprilmoonflower, you gonna blast me again? Maybe you guys should start your own blog. Remember, you are all so accepting and non-judgmental. My apologies to all the new people who are searching for comfort today. I too was seeking that, but I did not find it here. I just got shot down for an honest reaction.

[mariemikey]

Sidvis:

I am one of the new people on here. I am searching for support and to be with people in the same stage as I am. While, I am glad to hear about the people that were able to move on, I agree with you about needing to communicate with others that are in the same situation as I am.

[justamom]

Good Morning girls,

Claudia, thank you so much for the story of your grandparents, it is absolutly beautiful. I am such a sucker for a great love story.

I think that is the best part of where I am right now, for the first time in over a year I have some hope. I can see that light and the end of the tunnel. I laughed for the first time in a really long time- like a really good belly laugh, with my girlfriends the other night at dinner. It sounded so weird that I actually noticed it. I can however, put myself right back to those first few days, weeks and months, where I couldn't get out of bed and i would go days without showering because no one cared and neither did I. So whether we are in the same moment as some of our new comers right now - we have all been in that moment. I remember when I first came on and reading about some of the people who were doing better and feeling better and it did give me some peace. To know that I wouldn't always feel so rotten. I also remember being in a restaurant and the people around me were laughing and talking and I wanted to stand up and scream at them all - how could there possibly be happiness in the world when my Steve was dead? And what the hell was wrong with those people that they didn't know he was dead? We all come from different places and persepectives and as close as I can tell there is no rule book explaining how we are supposed to get through this horrible thing that has happened to our lives. That is why I keep coming back and reading and posting because we are all doing the same thing - just doing it differently.

I hope you all have a lovely Sunday. Take Care, Lisa

[lauraa]

To Everyone:

I think the point here is that "ALL OF US" have lost our husbands/partners. It is a pain we all know very well. It is a rollercoaster of emotions. For some of us we lost our loved ones suddenly and others dealt with long agonizing illnesses. Either way it is extremely difficult.

Grieving has no rules or time lines. We all grieve in different ways. There is no right or wrong way of getting thru this.

Sometimes, I am constant in my grieving to the point of nonfunctioning and other times just numb as if to block it all out in order to not feel the pain. I think our psychics protect us by these stages so that we don't completely go nuts! Then there are the times that I go thru many stages at the same time, ie. depression and anger.

In the beginning it hurt so damn bad to see that everyone elses lives went on and I couldn't stand to be around it. But, I had to move on for my kids so that they wouldn't completely hit rock bottom.

I never knew how low I could feel until I lost the one man that I adored.

The hard part is that life does go on and most people DO NOT know how to handle or talk about death.....so, we are put in a lonely position at our most devastating time. It hurt me so much that friends and family could not understand my pain and grief (how could they), they never lost someone as close as this.....so I knew I was alone with my grief. THEN, I found this board and there were so many moments that if I didn't have it, I think that I could have died myself from my pain and lonliness.

Everyone belongs here and we all need to understand the different places that we are all in.

Our pain will "NEVER" go away completely....it will just change. One thing I have learned is that my plan did not work and I don't know where my life will go but where-ever that is I am sure the grief will still be there to deal with.

I know my husband is closer to me than my own heart!

We are all different and in different stages of our grief....we all share a common bond and we all have something to share no matter what point we are at.....This is a SISTERHOOD. One that I will be eternally grateful for.

It has been over two years for me, yet there are days that I feel it was just yesterday that I lost him......So, we all understand the raw emotions that goes with this journey

Each and everyone of you are in my daily prayers!

[mariemikey]

Lauraa:

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I am in constant pain from losing my husband. I have a therapist and talk to both her and my sister, but I sometimes feel like I am pressing my luck and they just don't need to hear it. Afterall, people have their own lives and I feel guilty and selfish for feeling this low and always talking to them about it. I don't even know why I do feel like talking about it helps, it just makes me tired. I am working each day on getting through this and I know I will, but it's really, really hard. I never even got to say goodbye to him, but his last phone call to me we did what we did after leaving thehouse for work or ending a phone call, he told me he loved me and I of course told me I love him.

[sidvis]

Thankyou mariemikey for understanding me. My husband shot himself. I have alot of anger to work through. It is anger that has replaced the anguish. I really appreciate you hearing me.

[mariemikey]

Sidvis:

I can understand anger. My husband jumped off a cliff after using a utility knife on himself. He left it in his car which was found at the cliff. They were unable to find his remains with the ocean being at the bottom. I felt very angry for him abandoning me.

I am so very sorry we lost them like this, but I think I can understand your anger since we both lost them to suicide.

If you need to be angry, then you be angry. I'll listen. I hope I can be the support you're looking for.

[lauraa]

Mariemikey:

I know how you feel about talking to people. I got to a point where I mostly decided to keep it with my therapist. I just felt others distance as if I was contagious. My therapist has been the one to help me sort thru many issues. She was the one in the beginning who told me not to make any major decisions for the first year if I didn't need to. That in itself was a tremendous help for me.

You need to talk as much as you need to. I think we are all going through Post Traumatic Stress. We all need to be as kind to ourselves as we can.

In the beginning I felt the lonliness and promised myself to "honor" my own feelings no matter what they were....and, that is what I am doing.

Take it easy because this is a journey that comes in different stages and there is no rushing to get through it.

We all know the pain of each other. The denial, fear, anger, bargaining, isolation, panic attacks, insomnia, heart palpatations....all of it.

Be gentle with yourselves because life isn't.

[mariemikey]

Lauraa:

That is exactly how I feel. I have been very careful making decisions keeping in mind that I need to make "correct" decisions and not hasty ones based on emotion. I have for the most part been able to that. Because they could not find Mike's remains because the of ocean, he is listed as missing for 7 years so I had to get a lawyer to help with me being able to sell the house and anything else that was in both our names or just his name. I know I am honoring his wishes in everything that I have done and fortunately his wishes were what was best for me also. He always said he loved me so and would always protect me. I am grateful for this message board and the people the understand, but I also feel sad that the reason you all understand my feelings is because you have experienced it and I am so very sorry for that.

[aprilmoonflower]

No, your reaction (or rather the way you presented your question) was slightly hostile & hurtful.

I am sorry you are in pain. I am sorry if it is difficult to hear about other's happiness. I really am. It's damn hard!

Anyway that is all I am going to say on the subject as I am not going to get into this further. You are obviously hurting. I SO understand that. I do feel Missingmyhubby has every right to post here as you do!This is supposed to be a safe place, let's try to keep it that way!

You know, If you are new to all of this, it is hard to read about happy people. When someone writes that they are off to bed to be with their "warm hubby," well, I just go ballistic, because I came on here to read about people who are as miserable as me. How in the hell was I supposed to know your first husband died in '03? So, you are not helping me by telling me how wonderful your life is now. So, Aprilmoonflower, you gonna blast me again? Maybe you guys should start your own blog. Remember, you are all so accepting and non-judgmental. My apologies to all the new people who are searching for comfort today. I too was seeking that, but I did not find it here. I just got shot down for an honest reaction.

[aprilmoonflower]

btw I found this poem the other day on the web... I thought some of you would appreciate it. (Sorry, I am not sure who wrote it!)

A thousand tears or more these eyes have cried

and a thousand more lay in wait -

I am bathed with them

and yet my heart is still broken,

and all that is within me aches

with the loss of you, the wanting of you.

There is never a time for this that is right-

never a way that can prepare the heart

for this reft -you have passed through

my arms too soon, like sand flowing through fingers

I could not hold you here, though

I would try.

I know that your spirit flies free

and in the quiet depths of my heart, I can see you still

in the rhythm of the waves upon the shore

in the crisp fall air that fills my chest,

in the iridescent gleam of each dragonfly

skimming the surface between heaven and earth.

-Author Unknown

[mariemikey]

Can we take it easy on Sidvis? We are supposed to be supporting each other and it seems like she is being penalized for expressing her anger which is a normal part of grieving.

[aprilsmom]

Hello All--I'd really like to ask where I can find St. Francis de Sales poem that Sidvis mentioned.....I tried to google it out. Is it in the book Dark Night of the Soul? Someone I hold dear really needs that poem right now!! I came to this thread about 2 years ago when my daughter was killed in a car accident.....mainly because I needed to know what my son-in-law was going through and hardly anyone posted on "I miss HER so". The women here helped me so much, including helping me understand how a mother-in-law isn't always welcome into the privacy of a spouse's grief=] I've gotten used to the idea that no matter whether our loss was 5 yrs. ago or 2, I can be slammed back to THAT DAY with no warning or apparent reason. You are all amazing people, just wish we didn't have to meet under such horrible circumstances. Peace to you, Renee

[rodless]

Let's go on from here with a new look at understanding that while each os us is on the same grief journey, we are traveling at different speeds and in different vehicles. It always makes me so sad to hear of someone just starting the trip. It's ok to be sad, to be angry, to be disoriented etc.... and I learned a long time ago in divorce support group that feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.

I guess this kind of sounds like a sermon. Oh well, it is Sunday.... Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Hi everyone -

When I first came to this forum, I wasn't sure about posting. So many women had heart-wrenching stories of their partner's deaths - long illness, suicide, murder, etc. And here I was, grieving as well, but with the beloved who died instantly from a blood clot while he was laughing and playing in a river in one of the most beautiful places on earth, surrounded by friends. How could I put that here? The ER nurse said all the time they worked on him, he had a smile on his face, even when his spirit had already left his body.

I finally started posting, and found total support for whatever I was going through. It helps me to see women posting who lost their patners several years ago and still love and miss them, but have also found some happiness. It gives me hope. I don't know what my future holds. Sometimes I don't much care, but I know Ishaq wouldn't want me to be sad forever.

The forum is called "I Miss Him So..." and I think anyone who misses the loves of their lives who have passed on should be able to post here, and be supported.

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[lauraa]

Mariemikey and Sidvis:

I am so sorry that you both have lost your loved ones. Along with everyone here I am sure down deep that we are on the same page. Emotions are raw and we are all "out there", which is not a familiar feeling for any of us.

The whole f'in thing sucks.....all of it.

We are in this here together and this is a place where we can "all" let it out.

I think a mistake was made and someone spoke before thinking things out...we all have done that, I am sure. But, lets look at all the good things that have come from that and the support and love that has taken place from all of your postings.

I am sure if we were all in a room together there probally wouldn't be any hostility toward one another. Only support, if only just for being.

[missyouhoney811]

Today was 6 months. Went to the cemetary with my son, we tied two Valentine Baloons to John's Christmas Cross on his grave. It was so cold and windy. I still can't believe his name is on the stone he really is gone and he is never coming back to me. I am so empty without him. He was my world, my life my everything.

The other night I had a wonderful dream my John was healthy and he was walking. He had such a beautiful smile on his face. Here come the tears.

God Bless All Of You,

Dorothy

[rodless]

I also went to the cemetery today. It was finally warm enough to get out of the car and walk... for about an hour with tears streaming down my face part of the time. But when I was done (both walking and crying) I felt much better. I needed the tears and the fresh air. I miss him so much. I wish none of us had to go through this. Mary Jo

[lindat]

Reading here every day keeps me sane and gives me hope. You all are amazing women, each one of you has helped me in some way, and some have helped me in many ways. Each of us has a different story, none of us is the same except in the pain that binds us together. I was complete and happy on August 29, 2005 - when a monster storm came to MS and took everything away. From a friend's home in FL, we tried to take it all in. Home, cars, job - all were gone in the blink of an eye. My daughter and her family lost everything as well, but all of us were alive and could start over. Because of the kindness of a relative, we moved into a little beach house in Ft. Walton Beach, FL - where we celebrated Christmas and toasted a New Year. His toast to me was that no matter how bad it is, together we can handle anything. 17 days later, he thought he was coming down with a cold, but by midnight he knew he had to go to the hospital. When the ambulance arrived, he walked to it on his own but he died before they got there. This happened 1 1/2 weeks before we had to move out of the beach house - he didn't want to leave there and he didn't have to after all. We were inseparable for 21 years, but he was separated from his wife when I met him and we never married. She had to handle all the arrangements and she is now collecting the social security and retirement. We talked for the first time on the phone the day he died and we have not talked since. I am close to two of his kids and they consider me their step mom. One of them lived with us in the early 90's for a couple of years when mom couldn't handle him. We planned someday to marry and talked about it again that New Years before he died. Two weeks after he died, I packed up the few things that he had and gave them to his kids, put everything else in my car and hit the road. I left FL, went to LA, MS, Dallas, CA staying with family and friends along the way. I was in shock and sad and crying when I drove - I wanted to die. Somehow, I continued on mile after mile thanks in part to the awesome folks on this board. FEMA finally called in April to give me my trailer, unfortunately I was in CA and couldn't go back and receive it within 2 days so they gave it to someone else. I left CA in June and went to MI to stay with my sister for the summer. Her husband of 31 years died on their anniversary in 1998 while they were celebrating in Las Vegas and she has been a constant source of support. She completely understands what I am going through and she knows what to say and when to give me space. By the end of summer, I was less numb and beginning to feel human again. By the way, my sister grieves to this day and she is remarried to a wonderful man that lets her express her grief and doesn't feel threatened by it. He goes with her to John's grave and is a big brother to John's 5 sisters when they need one. My sister will miss John until she dies. They had been together since she was 15 and the love of her life. Somehow she has been blessed with two soulmates, and that gives me so much hope. In October, I drove back to FL and then to MS, TX and finally back in CA. I will stay here until I can go home. I am living with my mother and stepfather - kind of comical when you realize that I am 60 and they are 80 and 89. They smoke, but now they are doing it outside the little trailer that we are sharing. I sleep on the couch and keep my stuff in my car, but it is okay and I am moving on inside and out. I have very little in common with anyone on this board, as far as life situation goes - but everything in common as far as the unending pain goes. I don't know how the ladies with children do it, I can barely take care of myself. You are my inspiration. Some of the ladies are dealing with health issues, I feel very blessed to still have my health.

Most of you already know my story, but my point is that none of are coming from the same place, but all of us are in the same place just in different stages. Thank goodness, because hopefully we won't all be down at the same time and there is always someone who has been there before us. I wish we didn't know each other so well, but I am so glad that we do. If you are just joining us, you have found a wonderful bunch of ladies who will help you up when you are down, and lead the way when you cannot find the path. They will listen to you rant and understand your pain and fear. You guys are my rocks. Love and hugs to each and every one. Peace. Linda

[armaiti]

Tonight was our monthly Interfaith Service, and I was there singing and presenting for the Sufi tradition. I spoke a little first, and mentioned a teaching that Ishaq used to give. I was feeling pretty good until afterwards when someone came up to me and said "Where is Ishaq anyway?" It really threw me for a minute, that he didn't know - I just told him that Ishaq had died last summer and he said he was sorry and I made a quick getaway. Then I run into two other people who didn't really know until tonight and wanted to talk about it. It was really hard. I guess this is part of being people who were active together in so many communities, who played music and performed, that I'm going to keep running into people who don't know and I have to keep saying what happened. It just makes everything harder, to keep having to go back over the events of Ishaq's passing again and again.

Hope the rest of you have a peaceful night,

Peace,

Anna

[mishknit]

i am so humbled by the women on this board.

we have all been through the worst thing in our lives, and, while we are in many different circumsatnces...we are all here for each other. I am aware , and grateful, for the gift that this bb is, and while none of us want to be here...aren't we lucky that this is here for us, and us for each other?

small blessings...

I have been in a very strange place lately....this weekend in particular. Crying at the drop of a hat..or, rather, always being teared up..a constant state of almost tears. I'm not sure why...i just guess i miss Tom so much. the finality is hitting me..i spent the day yesterday cleaning like a madwwoman..i couldn't stop working. Today i kept stopping in my tracks, looking at the house, the home we made, that doesn't, and will never, feel the same again. It is my home, i have my son to make a home with, but..it's hollow, hollow.

what is the point, what is MY point? I'm sure i have one, just haven't figured it out yet. i'm tired, so tired of life without tom.....and i'm only 53......young, even tho i feel old as the hills.

i am so sososososoosos, sad...desperately sad,

huge sigh,

michele

[missinmyhubby]

Sidvis...I am sorry you did not find the comfort you were looking for. Please, let's share the space on here. I meant no ill will to you or anyone one here. I know you love your husband and ache for him to be here. If ever you need another ear to bend, I am here for you as well.

Unfortunately, I could not find any help in the early days, and I am remarried now to a man I can talk to about anything I am feeling. However, I like the way mariemikey put it...sometimes I feel like I am pressing my luck and he just doesn't need to hear it. Nobody I know understands the horrible journey like the women on here do and sometimes I just need to talk to someone who "really" gets it. Keep coming back, it does help!!!

Everyone else...

As for the fishing trip...It was nice to just spend some time with my little one. Obviously I miss her since I don't see her during the week, due to my new work schedule. But, also because today was her first birthday party that we have had since her daddy has been gone. I have been feeling a bit low all week....mustering up the courage to put that smile on for something I just wasn't looking forward too. Not because I don't want to make her happy, but because he isn't here to share in it. I was really needing to just cuddle her and hear her laughter. She is such a free spirited young lady, and so smart too. She has been missing me as well, as she didn't stop talking from the moment we climbed into the pickup to the time she passed out two blocks from home. She talked about everything under the sun. While we were driving to the fishing spot, eating our Burger King, I caught her at a milisecond of time where she paused to chew on a chicken fry. I playfully asked her if she was going to stop talking long enough to breathe. Her reply..."I am breathing mommy while I talk." I love how her innocence can make me smile. Sometimes I get busy and don't have the time to sit and listen to all she has to say...so yesterday was much needed for us both.

Her daddy and I took her fishing at LEAST three times a week from the time she was born to the time he left. She was our little fishing buddy. So taking her fishing is one of "our" special times together now. Through her, he lives on. When I hold her, I hold him as well. I hold the precious gift that we shared as a reminder of our love. She is all of her seven years and was looking forward to this party like there's no tomorrow. Along with all the other reasons for us going on our outing, I just needed time to smell her hair, touch her little hand, feel her soft kisses, here her pretty laughter, listen to her endless chatter, help her when she just wants to cast and reel back in....I needed to breathe her in and help remind myself why I am doing this birthday party. Because I love her and she deserves the best of me that I have left to give. To remind me to pull my boot straps up and suck it in one more time. To allow her the childhood she still deserves.

I woke up this morning at nine to get her ready for her party, and get everyone else motivated as well. I just sat for a few minutes thinking of the day that lie ahead. In a few short hours I was looking at standing in a bowling alley full of "our" friends and the new friends, a bunch of seven year olds, my family (kids and Mark), and my anxiety over the spot that will be forever empty. And then, I recalled a converstation I was just having with April a few days ago, and one we have had on here before. It will only be as bad as I let it...it will only be as bad as I let it....it will only be as bad as I let it. I made my mind up that I will have a crapload of love surrounding me today with all my close friends and family standing by. I am going to drive to the bowling alley with the sun beating in my face, feeling the reminder of his presence, and I am going to smile and laugh and give my daughter the day she deserves and I am going to like it!!! No, I am going to LOVE it!!! And, I did. We had a blast...we met Mattie's friends from school that she had invited, we bowled our little hearts out (well, they bowled and while I reminded them of the bowling ettiquettes one must follow when other bowler's are next to us), we ate burgers and fried and soda, we ate this disgusting cake from Win Dixie that she picked out lastnight on our way home from fishing (yes, I procrastinated on that item), we opened gifts and I took a buttload of pictures!!! I was there 100% for my little girl and damn did it feel good!!! I DID IT...YEAHHHHHHH!!!! =) After that, we went to Wally World and let her pick out her scooter she had asked for, got her a stroller for her babydolls, let her blow her gift card that one of her friends gave her (on yet another babydoll), and drove her home. I then kissed them all goodnight and left for my much needed alone time...BINGO!!! Where, by the way, Mark won his first big bingo pot tonight!!! It was enough to cover the whole cost of the party, presents, and have a little left over to line our pockets. It turned out to be a good day.

(((Hugs))) to all...and thanks for listening!!!

[mariemikey]

Mishknit:

I feel the same way about what my purpose is. I have been crying constantly for the last 2 weeks. TOday is our anniversary and maybe it has all been building up since two weeks ago. I also had to sell our house so I could move back to be closer to my sister. I couldn't bring myself to just stay there with just my friends. My friends are wonderful, and I would have been lost without them and I still keep in touch with them all the time, but that was a place where me and Mike built a life together and it was really painful while I lived there for about 6 weeks after this happened. THis month is a big one for me emotionally: birthdays, anniversary, valentines day, finalizing the sale of our house, selling his car. It makes everything seem so final even though I know he's gone and he will be my angel always.

[justamom]

Lindat, your strength is am inspiration to me on a daily basis. My kids do keep me moving everyday but my home keeps me grounded. I truely don't know what i would do having been through katrina. My best friend is from New Orleans and she and her family lost 6 houses total and I know how hard it has been for them. How you keep going through all of that without your love I don't know. The fact that you were not legally married shouldn't matter. It sucks that the first wife got to make all of the decisions and gets the money to boot. If I were in your shoes I think I would be pretty angry and bitter and yet you post here: positive and trying to move on and find happiness. THank you for sharing with us and inspiring me.

Angel, sounds like a great day. I find myself looking at my boys and almost feling drunk with my love for them. i still feel so close to Steve because of them. They truely embody the best things about their dad.

Michelle, We had the "hollow" thing too. We were coming home from a friends house from dinner one night and my 7 year old absolutly lost it. Didn't want to go home. Our house sucked. It was empty,no fun, no dad, no dog on and on he went. I just let him go and of course I cried like a fool as well. Since then we have added the puppy to the mix. I don't know if it helped or not but the house is definitely more alive. I am trying to do better about letting them have kids here too. For a long time I just wanted to hide in my house and not mess with people. We are coming out of that. I have always had a house full of kids and people and I think the loss of that was really hard on our spirits. Maybe you need a Great Dane Puppy! Go big or go home girl, don't mess around!

As far as a purpose in life - that is the question isn't it. I constantly ponder that - why did I walk away from the car that killed Steve instantly? I have no answer. I hope that I am supposed to win a lottery or something. Just kidding! Have a good day girls. Thinking of you all. Lisa

[mariemikey]

I understand about wanting to just stay inside and hide. I did that before I moved back home. I had some friends be really harsh with me about getting out of the house and while they told me it was for my own good, our house (bedroom) was the only place I felt safe and close to him. I read some things on grief and I can't remember where I read this recently, but it asked if we miss the person or the role they played in our lives. I resented it at first because I miss Michael so much, while he did make me feel safe and secure, I miss him..his arms around me, making me laugh, the things we had in common....we were true soulmates and buddies.

[aprilmoonflower]

Lisa- we are going on a month with our puppy! I wish I had gotten her sooner! they really do liven things up that's for sure!

Angel-I'm so glad you had a good day and bday party! and yay on the bingo winnings!

mariemikey- I am a true Cancer and definitly find comfort at home. I love my solitude though and always have (even before DH died). I kind of revel in it, now at least no one dares say anything about it! and I have the kids now to keep me from being lonley.

Michele-I know how you feel about changes.etc in the home. now I just rationalize it and tell myself hubby and I set the foundation, it's up to me to continue making it a home. alot of people tried to get me to move after DH died. I never for a moment thought I would leave! why would I? I know what you mean about hollow. I felt that for a long time too, but not so much anymore! I am starting to really almost forget what it was like to have hubby here at times.it seems like a long ago dream almost..it sucks but life DOES go on! and it's so cliche but time does heal..a least a little.

Anna- I have had that a few times happen where people didn't know hubby died. it's awful. usually the person asking feels worse than you do but it's still comes as a surprise and takes you off guard.

otherwise I really feel like I am coming out of the fog of shock 18 months after the fact. I can barely remember the last 18 months! wtf? is that stresss, depression or mommy brain!?!?! (maybe all 3 combined) life is just WIERD is all I have learned. and I find myself pondering coincidence alot latley. as it was just a coincidence DH and I got together in the first place. coincidence I found this board from the eternalreef.com ,etc. is life really that random?

[mishknit]

April...I have no plans to leave this house either..there is just too much of tom here, I can't let it go until it's time.

in my head, the time will be when my son finishes high school and goes to college (this is my 5 year plan..). then i'll sell, buy a townhouse, whatever. But you know what John lennon says "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans", and god knows i understand that..so while i plan things, i don't believe anything is set in stone anymore. And..i also don't believe in coincidencs anymore..most of the coincidences that happen to me lately seem directly related to making me feel better in some way...so i choose to believe it's tom, watching out for me.

\

\angel...what a great couple of days for your daughter, and for you! The whole story was lovely to read, made me think that my son and i need a little of that...i'll make a plan! And maybe the bingo win was Mark' sway of participating in his daughter's birthday party..who knows?

Marie....anniversaries are so hard, they remind us so profoundly of what we have lost...we had such a happy wedding day, and the start of our lives toghether,and now we haave to face the rest alone..hang in there.

and Lisa..we have dog, one that i didn't want but tom and my son wanted one, so we got her. Then my son became a teen and didn't care much, and tom, who's dog she really was died. Sally became a real pain to me for a long time. BUT..i must say, she is so sweet, and so loving, and as time goes by i get closer and closer to her.

hope you all have a good day today...

I've GOT to start taxes! UGH!

Michele

[mariemikey]

April:

I had to leave the house. I was leaving in Washington and my family is in NJ. I couldn't stay in a place that I moved to with him when we started out life together. I just took the cats and moved back to NJ. When I think about it, I sometimes feel like I should have stayed, but everything including the area was a constant reminder of him and way too painful.

I too believe that Michael is watching out for me. I find myself trying to decide what to do with the rest of my life without him. I am 37 and he was only 41. I thought about school, but I think I should just look for a part time job just to join the rest of the world again. I have had so much stuff to deal with since they were unable to find his body and think this has worn me out on an emotional level. It's not that I depended on him totally, but I trusted him to be my husband and grow old with me. He always talked about that and the cruise he wanted us to take for our 15th anniversary.

You Ladies all sound so strong and able to make decisions. I feel like I'm able to make decisions, but I cry so very much.

[Guest Guest]

Mariemikey,

Iam also 37 years old. Bill was 37 to when he passed on Jan 1st this year. Where in Nj are you? I live there also. Im sorry they never found your husband. My husband died in our house and at first me and my kids stayed at my sisters, but then excatly 1 month later I decided to move back home. And It does feel good. The kids are happy to be here. At first it was a little umm..whats the word... not scary, but something. But as days went on it felt better and better. And I know for a fact he is here with us, and to me thats comforting. We all slept in the living room together at first, now the kids are back in their rooms. They slept there 4 nights now. We are just taking our baby steps. As for me Im still on the couch...Working my way toward sleeping in the bed Bill and I shared for the past 16 years. It will come, in my time. I liked listening to hear how you handle things. It is something how everyone is different, but yet going through the same pain.

Well just wanted to share that with you.

take care

Sue

(justbroken)

[mariemikey]

Sue:

I am in Old Bridge. When Michael first passed away, I still slept on my side of the bed. I became afraid of the dark. I also felt safest in the bedroom. I think that is because I used to be in there when he got home from work after working a little later when things were busy.

I wish the best for you and your children. You have great courage going back to your house. You will find comfort there, your husband is watching out for you and your children.

[justamom]

Sue and marie, I am 35 and my husband was also 35 when he died last Jan. 15th. We were together 15 years. Being alone in my house was really hard. My sister and my mom stayed with me for a while because I was so afraid to sleep. I was having horrible nightmares from the accident and I was really wacked out on drugs - (painkillers and anti anxitey drugs) But when i finally kicked them all out and quit taking the drugs I found my peace - in my house. My husband was everywhere. It was so comforting and still is. I have slowly but surley made it my house, for me and my boys but he is still here. His Hiking boots are still on the hearth of the fireplace and I have no intention of moving them ever. I can understand why it would be better to move for some though. It is whatever gives you comfort and peace. It is not about the place but about the memories in your heart and you can take those with you wherever you go. Take care, Lisa

[mariemikey]

It is where you are comfortable. Especially for the children, I would think it would be comforting for them to remain in the home that you all made your home together. I think that is great. I had to cut out the anti depressant the doctor gave me about a month ago. It made me worse. I have a small, small dosage of a sleep aid now and anti anxiety medication in case I have a really bad day, but I haven't taken the anti anxiety meds in about 2 weeks. I dont' like being on medication.

I understand leaving your husband's hiking boots out. Did you do a lot of hiking and camping? Did you leave pictures out also? I put away wedding pictures, but left out pictures in each room of my new apartment that are from our life together. I will always have them out, they make me comfortable. I always thought that just because someone passes on, doesn't mean you can't have some pictures out. Does that sound crazy?

I am so grateful to have you all to talk to. It really helps.

[aprilmoonflower]

mariemikey- no I am not strong and I am VERY indecisive about decisons! it's awful, but once I have my mind set I don't often change it! I definitly understand about the pictures! I definitly want them around still. I have put some away though and put new ones around.

[aprilmoonflower]

btw I am 32.. seems like there are alot of here in our 30's. no matter how old or young you are though it doesn't change anything!

[aprilmoonflower]

mariemikey- I am so sorry they haven't been able to find his body. How awful for you. (((hugs and strength))

[mariemikey]

I think we are all stronger than we think even though I don't feel very strong right now either. You a strong because you are working your way through this tragedy. I keep trying to think of ways to feel better. Everything I think of just sounds silly like I am searching for a distraction which is probably what I need. I even think of what exactly is it that makes me so scared and sad. The sadness is obvious but the fear is wierd---like the fear of losing others in my life. I am finding that liking being at home or close to home is definitely where I feel best. Me and MIchael used to love being at home though so that part hasn't changed. I've also noticed that sometimes I feel very selfish like others perceive me as being more concerned with my grief and making myself able to get through each day than what is going on in their lives. I don't know maybe I am. That's why I keep my appointments with my therapist so I don't feel like I am a burden to anyone. Another reason why I am glad to talk to you girls.

Would it be intrusive for me to ask what you ladies do throughout the days to get you through? Do you work, spend time with family and friends?

[aprilmoonflower]

mariemikey- I understand EXACTLY how you are feeling! Do you have any hobbies or something that interests you that you want to learn more about? It's easy for me to just focus on my kids but it took me a LONG time to want to even focus on myself or care about anything else. I felt really lost up until a month or so ago. btw don't worry what other people think! there's nothing you can do about it anyway, right? just take care of yourself first and the rest will eventually fall into place.

[rodless]

I have a day off! I don't know what there is about being home on a weekday but it feels different and special. To answer your questions, mariemikey, I work full time and right now have almost bitten offmore than I can chew. I am taking a "new you - intuitive eating" class than I really need, going to a weekly Hospice grief group and starting a weekly Bible study. By the time I work one night a week too, it's adding up to a lot on my plate. Sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to stay busy but I enjoy all of it.

I love my little house. We put it together and it is full of memories of Rod. He passed away in the bedroom which had been set up with a hospital bed. By evening(it was a Friday morning) the medical equipment had been removed and our bed set back up. Somehow, I just felt right sleeping in it and have ever since. But no matter how many times I try to sleep in the middle or on his side, I always wake up on mine.

The best thing I have done is find two friends about my age (50s) who also lost their husbands. We talk everything through and accept whatever the others have to say... kind of like this board. Everyone else rarely mentions Rod any more. They've gone on with their lives. Kind of like I used to before I knew what it was like. People care but they don't know how deep it hurts and how long it takes to deal with.

Great to see all the posts. It really helps get throught the day. Mary Jo

[rodless]

I should add that I know what it feels like to have home be a sanctuary. At first I had a hard time leaving because I felt most secure there. I went to work and then I came home but I do better now. Still don't like to be away overnight... me who loved to go places.. but I'm going to work on that this summer. I know Rod will be with me wherever I am. We all have to do what makes our lives bearable. MJ

[armaiti]

Mariemikey - what I do to help get me through the day is play music, garden, take long walks along the river by my house, do my art (though I haven't made any new pieces for a while and I need to try and get back into it. I have a website of my artwork I set up as well, though I haven't updated it since Ishaq passed away:

http://home.earthlink.net/~anna_armaiti/ )

My spiritual tradition is Sufism, and I do daily practices, some spoken, some sung, and some silent - and this really helps. Plus being part of a very diverse spiritual community, with lots of chances to perform various spiritual music, besides the fun belly dance music we play in our band. I also drum many Monday nights with friends who are Native American, and sing powwow songs with them. And our Sufi community has gatherings and classes almost every week, which helps alot. Ishaq was a Sheikh, a spiritual leader in the community, for many many years. (By the way, his name is pronounced EE-shock - I was thinking it must be a really unfamiliar name to say if you hadn't heard it before)

Without my faith tradition, I don't know how I could have survived this. And it is a mystical tradition, which means it honors and recognizes that Ishaq in his new form is still with us and communicating with us.

I wrote last night about having to deal with people who hadn't heard of his passing and how hard that was. I had a beautiful dream with him early this morning and he was helping me with some ways of meditation in the dream. I had closed my bedroom door because the kitten was playing in the hall and keeping me awake, and when I woke up this morning the bedroom door was wide open. She could have pushed it, but it seems that she would have woken me up because she always jumps on the bed when she opens the door, and I can't recall her ever pushing it open all the way. And I thought I'd pushed it closed all the way. I really feel calm and at peace today after this, I feel he came to me to show me he is here with me and to help me, as he has done before, both in the dreamspace and in the physical world.

Today on a walk by the river I saw a blue heron, two egrets and four cormorants at the wetland ponds. The sun is shining and it was warm and at least for today, I can feel some pleasure in being alive in the beauty that is nature.

Peace and love to you all,

Anna

[Guest Guest]

I'm new to the board - my daughter found it for me knowing how I love to write thought it might help.

Already I feel as though I have new friends by reading all of your messages - knowing you know exactly how I feel.

My Randy passed suddenly January 1 and our 42nd wedding anniversary would have been January 9. I'm having a very difficult time and cry constantly. I was finally able to stay at my home a week ago - but the pain is constant - my mind is mush - and I miss him so much I'm physically unable to do much of anything. Everyone tells me that someday I will smile and be happy again - right now I can't even see a future for me.

I hope I'm not bringing any of you down - its just amazing how much pain a person can have and still live.

Nanny

[Guest Guest]

Lisa, Im sorry of the loss of your husband. It is so hard isnt it. How old are your boys? I have a son 15 and a daughter 7. Dealing with it all is hard, but somehow you manage to get through another day. My husbands death is still very fresh to me and I havent started doing things Its like I dont want to do anything enjoyable. My main focus is getting my kids up and to and from school everyday and make sure they have what they need. I do write at night and Im also making a book about Bill. So I guess that is a little way of getting things out. I dont know. I dont even know if I make sense to anyone. I just think its comforting when you find others that share your same pain that honestly know what your going through. Because if you havent been through it, you truly have no idea ...

I just miss him soo much!

thanks for listening

Sue

(justbroken)

[Guest Guest]

guest, Im sorry of the loss of your husband randy, i to lost my husband of 16 years on Jan 1st. If you want to talk..Im here!

Take care

SUe

(justbroken)

[mishknit]

nanny...

there is no way you can bring any of us down....don't ever worry about that! We havae all been where you are. I remember being so afraid that i would die....wondering at what point the emotional pain would just take me. Obviously, it didn't, but it sure felt like it would. hang in here with us, we';; listen...we're here for each other.

marie...i am a weddding planner..so i have a lot of "free" time (tho i'd better stop having so much soon or i'll have to get another job..ugh!). I garden, i clean...this house had so many areas to reorganize, and tom did all the finances, so i had to learn all of that, right now doing taxes, i read a lot, i knit...far less than i'd like..i have a 14 year old son i need to ferry around. I accept any invitation i get to go out...sometimes i, too, feel like i', mjust trying to distract myuself....so what? Distraction is good, and you never know where it could lead. I am working on a new play with a friend...playing a part in a reading of it, helping to coordinate it all..it is very distracting and very life-affirming. there are many chores i need to do, but this play, gardening, reading...being here..those are all good and happy and healthy.

I'm going to go look at ann's art...I'm excioted!

take care you all...

michele

[justamom]

Nanny, I am glad that your daughter found this board for you, I think it will help. I am so sorry for your loss. The pain is unbearable at times. I remember thinking exactly the same thing - how much can a person bear before they just curl up and die? Hang in there with us - you can never bring us down we have all been where you are ans we go back and forth.

Sue, My boys are 10 and 7. In the beginning i did the same thing as you - i just functioned, got them to school, did what I was supposed to. That went on for a while - Until the summer. Then I really felt like I could focus on my kids and make sure that they were okay. Then I got to focus on me - and make sure that I am okay. That is the stage that I am in now. I haven;t taken meds for a long time - i do take a bunch of herbal stuff. My therapist is a anazazi indian lady and she has all kinds of great "alternative" methods. I tried to write some too - mostly it frustrated me so iadmire those of you who can get it out on paper. i am not very patient, another thing I my working on in therapy. We did hike and camp and fish. He was all about that outdoor stuff. i am trying to figure out how to still do all of that stuff..... My tent is really hard to put up by myself!

Hope you all had a smile today. Take care, Lisa