I Miss Him So...

[mishknit]

missingrick...

hello and welcome...i am so sorry for your loss.

I only have a second, but wanted to tell you that this site times you out after about 1/2 hour...so if you really wrote a lot, you probably were on too long. I've done that before too..very frustrating.

There is a way to copy and paste and save..but i don't know how..i just keep my posts relatively short!

Try again....and know, that, even if it didn't make it here to the bb...you probably got a lot out just by writing it down.

hang in there and come back

michele

[rodless]

Susan, I'm so happy about your nes grandson. I know you will always have a heart pang when you think of him not knowing his grandpa, but he will bring such joy into your life. I guess it's proof that life goes on.

To all who are new, I am sorry that you have had to join us but this is a good place to come when you are hurting so bad. There's always seomone here who understands or has been through a similar loss.

The temp in Iowa is up above 10 and no wind!!! Heat wave... and I can now walk the dog and stand to be outside. I hope that improves my attitude because it's been really bad in January. I really miss the night sky and the fresh air. I am SO envious of those of you who are already planting and planning gardens. Oh well, February is short and March is spring even if it snows everyday. This year spring will be expecially welcome although I'm sure it will still be winter in my heart for awhile.

Mary Jo

[missingrick]

I tried again but was too long winded again I guess, will try again later. What I reaaly want you to konw is how much I miss Rick and my mom who died Aug/05 - six weeks after her diagnosis. Rick was diagnosed one month after my mom's death. We couldn't believe it was happening to us again. He had just retired 2 months before, had a complete medical then and then In Oct he was dying - stage 4 lung cancer spread to lining of lung and some bone. He struggled through many chemos, he knew he was dying but wanted to live as long as possible. He couldn't believe there was any place better than here and now with me - mom felt she was ready to die and knew she was going to a better place. I only saw her cry once. I cried gallons and still do. Don't know who the tears are for Mom, Rick or just me and the way life is now. just doesn't seem fair. Mom always said God doesn't give you more then you can bear but I sure wonder? She also used to say "this too shall pass" when???? I don't yet see a light at the end of this long tunnel, still can't o to work. My mind as done he things i'm supposed to do, support group, grief course on line, counslor, medications etc etc but my heart just doen't get it yet? Will it ever - my future seems so bleak Jane

[missingrick]

Just reread my post sorry for all the missing letters and spelling but I was trying to hurry so sorry Jane

[lindat]

Hi Jane,

So sorry for your loss, but glad you are here - we all understand so well what you are going through.

After you type a post, especially a long one, highlight the whole thing and right click your mouse - select copy from the list, if the message goes away - right click again and select paste. You could also compose your message on notepad first and then copy and paste it here. Also sometimes if your message goes away you can hit the back button a couple of times and then click forward and you might find it again. Hope this helps, it is so frustrating when it happens.

Hope you find some peace today.

Linda

[justbroken]

Susan,

Hi Im Susan also. I lost my husband suddenly on Jan 1st. I see you lost your Bruce. Im very sorry. Do you mind me asking what from and how old he was?

As for having his stuff around...I think its fine, My husband Bill's stuff is going to stay where it is also. I think it makes me feel better. So you go with what you feel. Its so sad isnt it. Its just so hard. I so want him back.

Also, congratulations on your grandson. Pop Pop is there with you all.

sincerely,

Susan

[darleneandhunter]

Just aquick tip for everyone using pc(I don't know anything about macs)

When you want to respond to posts, and think you will be typing long, do what I do.

I open up a notepad file, and just type everything I want to say. When I am done, I just right click, hit select all, and it will highlight the entire thing. then right click again, and hit copy. Go to "reply to this discussion". When the box you type in becomes available, right click in the box, and hit paste. it will place all the text you wrote in notepad into the posting box without the hassle of being timed out and losing all that work.

I do it all the time, mainly because even though I think I am going to type up something short, it turns into something long....lol. Nothing like pouring ly heart out and it getting lost to a time out.

Now that's out of the way....

I finally went through my procedure. I came through it perfectly, but still waters run deep. I have coronary artery disease along with the angina I was previously diagnosed with. The only reason I did not end up getting a triple bypass was because the doctor performing the procedure decided Things were salvageable, and I was too young to be put through that, and he thought I could gain control of it if I followed indtructions and took the medications prescribed to me.

Believe me, I plan on it. I have already been changing my eating habits. My problem was that after Mark died just over a year ago, I gave up. I bought all frozen and convenience foods. I gained 45 lbs. I didn't eat too much junk foods, but I stopped caring about cooking meals. I didn't see any sense in cooking for me and a 7 year old. I already started changing a few months ago, but apparently, my body didn't like the changes I made in the first place, and it was letting me know about it. I am just glad I have been given the opportunity to fix the mess I made.

I don't know how crazy this is going to get, but I have a plan to quit smoking very soon, and I will be getting help from my doctor. I will no longer be buying frozen dinners. I bought a few so thqt his sitters didn't have to cook while I was in the hospital. No more. I have a freezer full of plain veggies(which I had already purchased prior), and no more packaged foods.

I had already given up red meat and pork. Not for health reasons, I just lost my taste for them. I eat red meat maybe twice ayear, andI have been sing ground white meat chicken and white meat turkey in place of it for years. Istill enjoy bacon and sausage, but I will change over to replacements. I needto step up my diet changes because I know if I don't I will end up just like Mark. I can't allow that. Not now, not ever.

[mishknit]

nice to hear from you darlene...even tho the news isn't great, your attitude sure is! I'm sure you'll do fine...sometimes we get wake-up calls, that we either listen to or not. You are smart enough and know how badly hunter needs you....and you have the support of all of us here on the bb, if ever you need to vent. Congratulations and best of luck on your new changes......and, if you need extra support, weight watchers is a pretty good program, and pretty painless...lots of good ideas there. I belonged before, but am going back, not to lose weight, but my choices are getting uncomfortable, and i have to stay healthy too!

hang in there darlene..

michele

[kathy51]

Valentines day is Stan's birthday....and the first for us since he died..Isnt it ironic he was born on a heart day..and it was his heart that killed him?I always said God knew what he was doing when he was born on that day..cause that man sure knew how to give love..Oh well.... I think that day may just be the saddest one yet for me..Thanks for listening..Kathy

[mishknit]

kathy...

i know how you feel..tom's birthday was so hard too. I just wanted to tell you what i did that day.

we had a tree planted 2 days before his bday, and in the morning my son and i went out, dug deep and buried a cigar box (he loved his cigars!) with some of his ashes and notes. later in the day i had a few close friends over, and we made burgers and had a little birthday party. It was bittersweet, but there were a lot of stories and jokes passed around. Later we poured scotch on the tree in salute (and yes, the tree is still alive!), and all said soemthingb lovely about him.

It all helped.....it got us through the day.

take care,

michele

[Kelly]

We just got back in our popular Remember Pins. Show that you are remembering a loved one by wearing these pins. The proceeds cover the cost of the pins and help support Beyond Indigo. Too see the pins and wristbands as well as place an order copy and paste this link into a new broswer window.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/sunshop/index.php?action=category&id=2

Kelly

[darleneandhunter]

I just ordered the pin and wristband combo. I know it isn't much, but I am helping out our little community.

Thanks.

[aprilmoonflower]

those pins are cool!

michele- that is so sweet about the tree and the scotch..

Anna- thanks for the email on the garden stuff! I emailed ya back!

Angel- where have you been hiding? (I never seem to catch up with you on IM)

I hope all the new members are doing ok. I know how hard those early days are (We all know it so well). hang in there! most of all, be gentle with yourself.

I am reaching the 18 month mark and feeling very optimistic and positive. I have my moments of course, but overall I am doing ok! I have finally realized this is MY life, and I can do whatever I want with it now! (not that DH interefered w/ my life or anything like that, I would definitly rather have him here) but I guess I am learning to accept my life without him. Learning to dream a new dream!

[Guest Guest]

I'm new to this page... I just needed to find a new outlet for all the emotions that I have. It has been six years since my fiance's suicide and I am still struggling with it. He was my first love, my first lots of things actually, and now I am 25 and I still feel everything that I did years ago. I'm still angry and hurt... I still feel hopeless. Time does not seem to be healing my wounds. I'm just very unhappy and I guess looking for some words of encouragement. anything will help at this point. thank you

[missinmyhubby]

Hey...I am here =) I have been coming on every night after work and reading...I guess not too much to say right now.

Here is the happenings on my end:

Last Friday was the baby's seventh bday. Of course, everything has to do with the passing of DH. It was her fourth one without him. She was three and a half when he passed. With that just written, it seems so hard to believe he has been gone that damn long.

This weekend we are having her first bday party since he passed. I guess I just hadn't been in the mood for celebrating it without him before. She was younger then and really didn't know she was missing anything. Now, well, not throwing a party would make me the worse mother in the world!!! =) So, we do what makes our children happy (within limits). Of course it is bittersweet. I love to see her happy and smile, but then sad because he is missing it all. I went to her class on Monday and brought cupcakes for all those germy curtain climbers...hehe. She was happy about that!!!

My hubby hurt his back two weeks ago at work (pulled muscles from what we know so far)...what a pain in the ass that has been. He is finally getting back on his feet a bit. We have been trying to work on it here at home while workers comp, and his company, drag their feet. They are still trying to find a local Dr. for some physical therapy. How long can it take???

I went from working days to nights since Jan. 16th. I get up around noon and the kids and hubby are gone. I report at work around four. I get home around one in the morning and everyone is asleep. I am only seeing the family on weekends, except hubby has been coming for my dinner breaks a few times a week. I can say I am enjoying the quiet time a little, but I am missing the family time too. I can go back on days come summer, but might just stay on them to reduce daycare over the school break for the kids. The only problem is that I think it's worse for the depression aspect of things. I really hate having too much time on my hands...I dwell on things more than usual.

I have been trying to quit smoking. I have cut back tremendously, but not quite quit yet. I figured since I HAVE to be nice at work, and there is no one at home to strangle that is awake to irk me...it is the perfect time to try and give it up. I have been having some shortness of breath lately and it has kinda scared me. I have a checkup with my DR. next month and, if it continues, I will make him aware of what is going on. I am hoping I will have quit the smokes by then. I have quit caffeine...that was an accomplishment from hell!!! My work has even put caffeine free diet pepsi in the vending machine for just little ol' me. That was way nice of them!!!

I did interview for a new position at work today, along with many others. I am qualified and experienced, so we shall see. We are suppose to know by the beginning of next week who was selected. It is more towards the management side of things and less flying. I am not going to be too disappointed if I am not picked, because I love to fly. It would just be more money, which is much needed right now.

Lisa - How are things going with you and hockey boy??? Like what kind of emotions??? You are the only person I know of that has ventured onto another male companion. If it is not too personal, I was just wondering if you would share a little.

Darlene - keep the faith girl, you are one strong woman. I know you probably hate hearing that at times, but you are...we all are. We have been put through the ringer and we are still here. (Who knows why or how at times, but we are).

I hate saying welcome to all the new comers...as we all hate being here for the obvious reasons...but it is a great place, and all these women are wonderful!!! Keep coming back!!!

Well, I am off to play some yahoo spades and then find my way to bed next to my warm hubby. =) Take care and big (((hugs))) to all.

Angel

[missinmyhubby]

I was reading some of the other stuff on the site after my last post. I ran across this...the author is unknown.

You asked, "How are you doing?" As I told you, tears came to my eyes...and you looked away and quickly began to talk again.

All the attention you had given me had drained away. How am I doing?" I do better when people listen, though I may shed a tear or two. This pain is indescribable. If you've never known it, you cannot fully understand.

Yet I need you. When you look away, I am again alone with it.

Your attention means more than you can ever know. Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know! They're nature's way of helping me to heal.They relieve some of the stress of sadness ....but you are wrong.

The memory of my loved one's death will always be with me, Only a thought away. My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not give me the pain...it was already there.

When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, Not knowing what to do?

You are not helpless, And you don't need to do a thing but be there. When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow, you've helped me

You need not speak. Your silence as I cry is all I need. Be patient...do not fear. Listening with your heart to "how I am doing" relieves the pain for when the tears can freely come and go, I feel lighter.

Talking to you releases what I've wanted to say aloud,bclearing space for a touch of joy in my life.

I'll cry for a minute or two... and then I'll wipe my eyes and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing later.

When I hold back the tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches, my stomach knots...because I'm trying to protect YOU from my tears.

Then we both hurt ME, because my pain is held inside, a shield against our closeness and YOU, because suddenly we are distant.

So please, take my hand and see me through my tears...then we can be close again.

[Guest Guest]

Iam new here too. Iam really hurting today. My husband committed sucide about 16 months ago. I just need a place to express my pain. I do journal some, but today it isn't enough. I can't stop crying. I am really feeling my loss. I really like the piece about "how are you doing?" It is so difficult to feel so alone in this grief. But I am afraid that is the reality. To grieve, is to grieve alone.Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. thanks for listening to me. I all ready feel better. At least I have stopped crying.

[aprilmoonflower]

I am so sorry for those of you who have had to deal with suicide's. how awful for you and your partner's as well.

Sometime I kind of feel my DH committed suicide in a way (though his death was determined to be accidental) he was drinking heavily and using cocaine at that time in his life(Unbeknownst to me but those are way deeper issues).

Someday's I am just sooo pissed at him for being so selfish and dying from such a stupid accident! (he hit his head on the rear view mirror and basically suffocated from the position he ended up in) he would have no doubt survived had he worn his seat belt. He was intoxicated and being stupid and I have realized latley how mad I am at him for it!

what a waste!

I still love him with all my heart but I wish his demons aren't going to affect us for the rest of our lives like it feels like it will.

btw my first husband was abusive so now I just feel like I have issues with men.

I do think everything happens for a reason though..that's what keeps me hanging on!

ok sorry for the ramble..there are so many stories here and so many are different but we are all in the same place I think emotionally! (so to speak-grieving wise I mean)

[justbroken]

Its been 1 month since I buried my husband. God it hurts so bad. I went to the cemetary, it is just so sad, I cant stand it. I want him back. Why did he have to leave me and the kids. He passed away here in our house, I know he is here with us. It just hurts, I want to touch him and hug him and I cant!!! I miss him soooo much!

Sue

[justbroken]

I just wanted to say, I come here looking for some kind of comfort. I look for people to post back to me, or be in touch with someone that is going through the same thing as me. But I guess its not what I thought here.

Sue

[rodless]

Hi Sue, I am so sorry for your loss and if you stick here, you will find people that understand and are going through or have gone through what you are experiencing right now. I lost my husband in July and I remember the first month. It is almost impossible to describe the pain to anyone who has not been through it. My Rod died at home in our bedroom and I think his spirit hangs around there frequently. There are no answers to why even though we all continue to ask and I know well the desire to touch him or hear him laugh again. Go through some of the posts on past pages and you will find connections to your situation. Sometimes we veer off into other topics but we're all here for the same reason - we lost the man we love. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Dear Sue - I am so sorry for your loss. I read the posts every day, but I don't always post back right away, not being sure sometimes of what to say. It's been just over six months since my beloved Ishaq passed away. There are days that are easier now, and days that are harder...for me the first month was so busy with trips to his son's wedding the week following, and other spiritual gatherings, that I think it's been harder this last month than early on.

We all know what you are going through, but that doesn't mean the pain is any less. I wake up every morning and think of how I used to wake up and snuggle up against Ishaq, and feel how blessed and happy my life was. And now he isn't there when I wake up, and I walk around with a hole in my heart. There are things that make me laugh, like my kitten's antics, but it always feels bittersweet. I miss Ishaq every minute of every day.

The one thing I would say to you is to grieve in whatever way is right for you - don't let any friends or family members tell you what you should do, or how you should feel. Some of us have kept our beloved's clothes and belongings in the house while others have felt moved to give those things away. Some of us do special ceremonies to honor our husbands/partners. Other people in our lives may try to give "helpful" suggestions that someimes make you want to just scream! But just do what is is right for you in your own time.

I hope this helps some, and may you find some peace,

Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

[sidvis]

Dear Sue, Ican't even remember the first month. It is just a black hole. I know I kept going because of my children. It is always about the children. They deserve a mother, especially since I am all they have left. Someone gave me a book that was a "one day at a time" book. It helped me alot. The title is, "Healing After Loss," by Martha Whitmore Hickman. The words are good. Also, a prayer from St. Francis de Sales--Be at peace. Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life; rather look to them with full hope as they arise. God, whose very own you are, will deliver you from out of them. He has kept you hitherto,and he willlead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand it, God will bury you in his arms. Do not fear what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you then and every day. He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.----These words helped me. I read them over and over.

[aprilmoonflower]

Sue- sometimes the ladies here post alot and sometimes not. I think it's fair to say we ALL have so much on our shoulder's. it's hard to be social ALL the time (even on a message board!) sometimes just reading is helful and posting always helps me! anyway it really ebbs and flows. but we all definitly know firsthand what you are going through! REALLY we do! Please don't think for a moment because nobody responded right away that nobody cares! Please hang in there! and just keep posting!

[mishknit]

Sue,

this is EXACTLY what you thought you'd find...other women who have gone through what tou are going through. Please stick with us. Sometimes i post, sometimes i don't...life happens. but someone will post, always, and that is good. We have been where you are, and you will keep moving through and before you know it you'll helping others. You already have..look how many of us have been moved to respond with comfort to you. That helps us too....

this is a hard, hard thing.....unimaginable. And we get thru it with the help of others, here, in our lives, family and friends. This early on..just grieve and take all the help you can from wherever you can.

and guest, and april....so hard to know that they didn't have to die, or had a hand in their deaths. My husband was supposed to be on a medication to thin his blood against clots. I found none when he died..i tore the house apart. It kills me every time i think about it, but he was a grown man, and what could i do? he decided that he didn't like the side affects, and took himself off...had i known, well, i would have done all i was capable of to keep him on it, but, like i said, in the end it was his decision.

keep visiting, kep posting...this is a great place to vent, and sometimes that's all we need to do.

and I loved that prayer sidvis...it's beautiful. and while i am angry at god....i still appreciate it, thanks for posting it.

michele

[gailand4]

Hi all

This is the seond aniversary of Scot's passing. i'vefound this harder than last year. i find myself pulling away from God and avoiding people like my mother in law. lots of "shoulds" that I'm putting on me. I think I'm angrier this time take care off to women's night

[mofirefly]

Gailand4 - I've found that the second year is harder and I think it's because you are no longer in shock or denial or whatever and now you simply have to figure out what to do next, and sometimes being alone helps you decide what you want instead of trying to be what everyone else thinks is best. But remember that even if you feel you've pulled away from God, He hasn't pulled away from you and will be there always. Take Care!

[missinmyhubby]

Yes, I am remarried. Just remarried this past year. Got to get to bed, have a fishing trip with my 7 year old in the a.m. ((hugs)) to all!!!

[missinmyhubby]

I keep forgetting we are into the new year already....sorry...lol. I remarried in July of 2005. Night now!!!

[sidvis]

I would like to know why "missinmyhubby" still posts on this forum. The title is "I miss him so,,," Well, "missinmyhubby" is remarried. If that ever happened to me, I would hope that I wasn't still seeking comfort from women who are still very much into early grief. I find that hard to understand. Also, I hear you about the next "holiday." It is a painful reminder of all that is lost.

[aprilmoonflower]

wow,

are you really questioning why she is seeking support here? I don't think just because she is remarried her grief should be set aside. just because she is remarried DOES NOT mean she doesn't still miss her late husband. who are you to say she should be here or not? I think it is a very complex issue being with a new man while mourning and I don't think it's right at all for you or anyone else to question WHY she is seeking support here. geesh.

grief is not cut and dried. do you really think for a moment marrying a new man should erase the grief & pain? I really hope if I ever meet a new man someday nobody puts that expectation on me, because I certainly will miss my DH until the day I die regardless if I remarry or not one day!

and FWIW not everyone here is in the early stages of grief. life does go on and each and every one of us will have to learn to deal with it. I also think loving another man definitely can and will bring up a new set of issues for any one of us, so no it doesn't surprise me in the least that she posts here. I would never have the balls to question that either. I think that is in really poor taste.

this is a suppport board btw in case you hadn't noticed. there are no rules about your marital or dating status.

I would like to know why "missinmyhubby" still posts on this forum. The title is "I miss him so,,," Well, "missinmyhubby" is remarried. If that ever happened to me, I would hope that I wasn't still seeking comfort from women who are still very much into early grief. I find that hard to understand. Also, I hear you about the next "holiday." It is a painful reminder of all that is lost.

[sidvis]

Thanks for your input. Guess it is me who is in the wrong place.

[aprilmoonflower]

why beacause you are not comfortable that she posts on this board? I just don't get it? sorry if what I wrote was harsh. I apologize. I just thought the question was harsh itself.I do think you belong here. all of us can learn something from one another no matter how small or large that may be. hang in there!

[missyouhoney811]

We must find happiness wherever it is so we can continue in this walk of life. No one knows exactly what each of our private situations are. Everyone is different with their needs in going on in life after the love of their life is no longer there.

I need help - tomorrow is 6 months since my John died. I am having a very bad week. As a matter of fact I have been in the same P.J.'s since Wednesday - no shower not as much as a comb through my hair. I have been in bed feeling sorry for myself and missing John so much. My circle of friends are very limited due to the fact they drifted away when John became paralyzed on 7/8/97. My contacts over the past 9 years have been with the caregivers which I had to shy away from because they were his caregivers not really my friends. Who would have thought I would have reached that big age of 60 and not have one true friend. I have two sisters and a sister-in-law who I love very much but in my heart I know they have no idea of what I'am going through. Help me if you can. God Bless and Take Care..

Dorothy

[Guest Guest]

I am new here. I lost my husband 3 months ago. It was a suicide but his remains were never found since it happened near the ocean. Our anniversary and his birthday and Valentine's day are all this month and I just can't stop crying.

[4everjoeysmom]

Dorothy, I hope you don't mind my cross over post here.. I haven't lost my husband, but I lost one of thebiggest loves of my life, my friend and my son Joey 6 months ago. I know the excrutiating pain of significant loss and staying in my Pj's for a week-no comb, and barely able to brush my teeth. I cling to God because His love has shown me life beyond here, where my Joey and your John are peaceful and free of trials and pain. God gave me a rainbow a couple of days ago that was just as brilliant as one could be, and I know it was a symbol of His promise that there is beauty beyond my pain. I pray for you and hope that God can bring you courage and strength to face another day, maybe with a shower and a fresh change of clothes. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Guest, I am praying for you... Tears are washing around you, but Love that you and your husband shared is stronger than the pain. I have no doubt that love will see you through the tears to brighter days and memories that will keep you safely and warmly wrapped in that Love. God bless you and lift you high enough to soar with courage and strength to live for that Love... Hugs, Claudia

[mariemikey]

Hello everyone. I previously posted as Guest today but have since registered. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I know that my husband truly loved me and our cats despite what he did to himself. I know now that he was seeking peace and that me and our cats couldn't be the only part of his life that he found joy in. I truly believe that his most difficult decision during this part of his life was leaving me and the cats behind. He knew this would truly devistate me and it has. My heart goes out to everyone on this message board who is grieving. I am ashamed that I never knew what to say to anyone who was grieving a loss and hope that through this difficult time that I can be of help to others who are in such pain.

[justamom]

Hi everybody, I have been reading everyday but not posting too much. I just wanted to welcome our new comers - Rough club to belong to. I have really found alot of comfort here and hope that you all will too. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Angel, Hockey boy is good. It is a very comfortable relationship. He is very easy to talk to and very understanding. I think I mentioned before that he knew us before the accident and was friends with my husband. It sounds weird to alot of people to be "involved" with a friend of his but it makes things pretty easy. He knows me, he misses Steve too and he has scraped me up off of the floor more than once so I don't have to explain "stuff"to him. He lets me talk , cry, rant and carry on whenever I need to. The weird emotions are - that spending time with him makes me miss Steve even more. I think of all of the fun stuff that we did and it just makes my heartache. I am also still really confused about what I want. He is very patient and we are taking things pretty slowly. I honestly just don't know if I can ever try to be "happy" again. I have a paralizing fear of putting my life back together and having something happen to it again. I also don't know if it's fair to him to be second best - He knows that if I had my way I would still be married to Steve. I feel like he desrves someone who wants to be with only him. Lastly I don't really know if I trust myself to become emotionally involved right now. I know that I am still pretty vulnerable and lonely. I just don't want to make any mistakes and do anything stupid. It is all very strange. I hope you are doing well. hope the fishing trip went well and that you caught lots of fish.

p.s. I think we will all miss our husbands forever - whether we move into a new relationship or not. We are all in the same boat, maybe our boats are going different places and at different times but we all share a common bond and that is why we seek comfort here. Keep posting as long as you want too.

Take care all, Lisa

[armaiti]

Dorothy - I am so sorry you are going through this hard time. My six month anniversary of Ishaq's passing was a couple of weeks ago and it was really hard. I had a really hard night last night too. I just miss him so much that sometimes I don't see how I can go on. But I do. Last night when I was at the worst place, and wanted to see Ishaq so much, in the dark I kept seeing what looked like little flickers of light, just outside my range of vision. I think it was him coming to comfort me - I talked to a friend this morning and she said she'd had the same experience with departed loved ones (and pets)before.

There's nothing I can really say to make it better, just let you know that you do have friends here on this board, even if we aren't with you in person. Even though I have the support of friends in my community, they still cant really grasp what I'm going through. But when I come here I find people that really know what it means to grieve, to feel like you are walking around constantly with a piece of your heart cut out.

I don't know your spiritual background, but for me, honoring these days with some sort of ritual makes them more bearable. Planting a tree or burning candles in front of his picture; honoring the memory of our love in some way. Or just honoring the fun we had - for the Superbowl I put a small glass of beer in front of his picture. I have an "ancestor altar" in my bedroom. It holds a picture of us together, a larger picture of him, a box with a lock of his hair, rocks from the little beach on the river where he passed away; and the river socks he wore that day, that he took his last steps on earth in; prayer beads, feathers he has sent to me as messages, etc. Maybe making something like this, where you could sit and grieve and remember and love JOhn, might help.

Just a suggestion, and my heart is with you as you go through this.

Love,

Anna

[4everjoeysmom]

Justamom, My grandparents, now both gone had an amazing love story. My grandfather's first wife passed away. My grandmother's true love abandoned her with child. They knew each other, as my grandmother was best friend's with my grandfather's wife. Long story short, they became close, like you and Hockeyboy, and they just grieved together and spent time reminiscing and caring for one another's comforts and emotions. Over the years my grandfather visited his wife's grave every day with fresh flowers, and my grandmother still grieved for the loss of her love. But in much time they found a new kind of love together and they married. My grandfather continued to honor his first wife by placing flowers on her marker, and my grandmother still loved her first, but they also loved each other in a genuine, compassionate and caring way that over the years and years they were together, they were very fulfilled--sharing their love and remembering other loves. My grandmother's engagement ring was the wedding band of my grandfather's first wife, customized with a split and a diamond in between the split. It had his frist wife's initials and the date they amrried in 1937. It may sound strange, but it was just the sweetest and most romantic friendship, courtship and love story I had ever heard or known. Today I have that ring and it is one of my most treasured pieces of family history.

Go slow, no pressure, and enjoy the company. It's ok to miss Steve for the rest of your days. He would want you, though, to be loved here and cared for if that's what your heart desires. Your true heart desires Steve, and one day you will see him again. On the other side there are no conflicts of who was whose spouse. It's all beautiful and perfect joy in unity and harmony. You donlt have to do anything you don;t want to. And you don't need to feel guilty for anything that you do want. I know it's easier said than done, but I have seen second time around love, and it was magnificent--never for one moment not honoring first loves... Follow your heart... Love, Claudia

[mariemikey]

Aramaiti and Dorothy:

I am so sorry you are experiencing bad days. I think anniversaries and special dates are the worst and of course holidays. As I read your postings, even in your most difficult times of grieving and bad days, I hear the strength coming through and that gives me hope that I can get through this too.

[mishknit]

anna...

i just realised i have an ancestor alter too! And i love that title for it....it is in my bedroom, and it has a beautiful picture of tom, his ashes that are left, a small vase with some pebbles from a beach where i scatterered some ashes, something he wrote, and a small photoalbum with some of my very favorite pictures of him. I also have candle that i occasionally light for comfort when i'm feeling low and in "get in bed" mode. I will continue to add to it now.....and even tho i read abot this before, it just hit me,and I'm grateful, this makes it even more meaningful to me.

i am so sorry so many are feeling particularly low these days...i know holidays can start those feelings, and with valentine's day coming, there are bound to be some heavier feelings. thank god we have this bb to post on and support each other, in whatever stage we are in our grief process.

and sidvis....i think you are in the right place, and don't leave too hurridly. there is great strength and support in all that everyone here has to say, and i love to read about hockey boy and mark, and the ways that some of us here are moving ahead with our lives. That doesn't mean we are forgetting our loves, just trying to keep living. and, like april says, grief is still there, obviously, from angel's and lisa's posts, but we also get to have some hope mixed in, hope for the future is always a good, good thing.

Stay with us, you'll see....sometimes i read posts that have very litle to do with where i am....other times i might have written the post myself.

michele

[egrayl]

Dear Anna and Dorothy (and everyone),

This week was 6 months since my dear husband's passing. Also yesterday was our oldest's 9th birthday. Today was his party. And to top it off we have all been sick with a nasty virus all week....

This anniversary has been particularly painful. It makes the reality and the missing so much worse.

I have no great advice. I just take one second at a time. I go for weekly counseling and support groups and the kids are in support groups also. I have read some amazing books, if anyone is interested....And above all, the love of my family and few close friends and music keep me going... But I also try to remember that he would want only the best for me and this helps me to feel his healing spirit when I need it most.

Dorothy, you did so much for your DH that you didn't have time to cultivate friendships....Never too late. You did sacrifice so much with your caretaking. I hope you give yourself the enormous credit, love and maturity this reflects.

Tonight at the end of a chaotic birthday party (which I am relieved to be done with) I am enormously sad. This is definitely my hardest time so far.

Peace to you,

Eileen

[kimandken]

HEY GUYS IM Back again and been reading as much as I can..I think it has helped some but it still is soooo painful to just live and wake up everyday. My heart is breaking and I hate living without my baby. I wish it was easier and I just wish I knew how to start over and get on with life. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Kim and I lost by beloved husband over a year ago very suddenly at the age of 33, we have 2 beautiful children 16 and 8 who miss his terribly as well...... How do we go on????? THINKING ABOUT KEN EVERYDAY DAY AND NIGHT AND WISHING I COULD HAVE JUST ONE MORE DAY!!

KIMANDKEN

[aprilmoonflower]

I had something like an ancestor alter set up. I ended up having to put the things away though (curious 2yo in the house).

I have also removed some of our wedding pics from our main living space (living room/kitchen) they are just too painful to look at all the time. I do have lots of pics in our hallway that I won't remove. for some reason I like looking at those pics! My house is starting to become more and more MY home now though. I have changed and added things since he died. I also painted the outside of the house a new color, fenced the backyard, got much needed termite work done, and planting a small orchard and

also continue to work on the remodeling (very slooowly now w/ very little help) it makes me sad but it's also liberating in a way too! I have gotten alot done since DH died. I don't know why. I guess I need to prove to myself I can do this on my own.

Lisa- I'm so glad to hear about hockey boy. I think it's great and probably healing for both of you!

Dorothy (and others)- right now is probably the darkest time for you..just remember there is hope and things WILL get better. it's not an overnight thing at all but eventually you will realize your bad days & weeks become further and further apart. take care of yourself!

sometimes I feel like I am starting to become numb to the pain of grief. I finally cleaned out the rest of my hubby's cloest a couple weeks ago and I just felt no emotion at all. weird. maybe I just wouldn't let myself though?

I find grief sneaks up on me and it's usually the stupidest things that hurt the most.

[armaiti]

April - I had to take the feathers off the altars - curious 8 month old kitten! She tore one of the altars apart getting to the feathers, luckily she didn't break anything.

I know what you mean about the house becoming more your house. I redid the whole back room, gave Ishaq's old filing cabinet away to one of his students. I went to Big Lots last week and got a slate floor fountain for the living room, and I turned the dining room table into the altar table and now have a small table and pillows on the floor to sit at by the front window. I always liked sitting on the floor to read and eat, while Ishaq preferred the regular table.

I'm exhausted today from last night's wave of grief, but feeling a little calmer. I realized that besides being the month of our 11th anniversary, we had talked last year about going to Hawaii in February 2007 - neither of us had ever been there. There are so many plans we made for this year and for the future that we will never have together and that is so hard to deal with. He and I didn't have kids together and his are all grown, so I don't have kids to take care of, just my cats. Sometimes I feel I have a plan for my future and sometimes, like last night and earlier today, I feel like what's the point, there just doesn't seem much to look forward to except being alone. Being with friends doesn't make up for not having Ishaq with me. I'm just tired and lonely a lot of the time, no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with.

One of my friends and teachers always tells me "just take baby steps". Because that's what we're all doign right now. It's like a birth of sorts - it's all new and we never know if we are going to fall on our asses after each little step. But we keep putting those feet in front of each other. I know everyone says it will get easier, and maybe it will. I can only hope and trust in the love Ishaq still has for me, and that I have for him.

Blessings and love to you all,

Anna

[mishknit]

april,

i too, have been trying to make this house more my home..i'm sitting down now and don't plan on getting up again..i have been cleaning and rearranging and trying to see what i need all day...i am exhausted and exhilerated..weird. And then, i had to remake my bed after washing sheets, and lit tom's candle, and fell apart....a nice. long cry..and back to work. I guess life goes on, whether we want it to or not.

the greif comes in waves anna..some days are better than others, as you are finding out. we just have to ride them. I surfed when i was younger...I'm actually thinking of taking it up again, i;m getting a lot of practice this year!!!

michele

[rodless]

Wow..so many new names. Heartbreaking. I hit the 7 month mark this week and though most of the time I feel like I'm doing pretty good, I am going through kind a numb, one foot in front of the other phase right now. Not much interest in anything and hard to get up in the morning. I roll out just in time to get to work and then can't get to sleep at night. A vicious cycle. Maybe spring and time change will help the attitude. Hope everyone is doing ok this weekend.

Mary Jo

[rodless]

Dorothy, I understand where you're at. I was so wrapped up in Rod's care and trying to work fulltime that I let friendships slip. I made an effort to call some other widows who I didn't know very well and have made some great friends. It really helps to talk to others who understand and to have someone to go to a movie or out to eat with. I hope you can find the same. I am 56... kind of a wierd stage of life with kids grown but still years to be alone ahead. I wasn't married as long as you were but we were meant for each other and I will miss him all my life whether or not I ever have another relationship. Mary Jo