I Miss Him So...

[bsnurse76]

Thank you everyone for the information and support. I have thought about starting a scholarship or something in his honor to give back to the community. I am not sure how to go about it. Does anyone know anything about doing something like this? He was a great man who did not pass judgement on anyone. It would be wonderful to give to individuals who possess his same qualities. Hope everyone has a good evening. Brandi

[rodless]

I have Choprah's book sitting on my coffee table.. have not started it. I read one by Walish (?) called Home with God, part of the Conversations with God series that made me do a lot of thinking... God not necessarily being the Christian God. My cousin talked about the Seven Choices book. He went through it his first year, said he rushed thinking that the one year mark would be a magic cure and now he's going through the whole thing again his second year. Told me to wait for awhile to read that one.

Iowa is cold with -20 wind chill over the weekend. No signs of spring... just snow and ice. I bummed up a knee and am hobbling around. Funny how something like that sets off a whole downer.. normally would just be an inconvenience.

I think when the good memories start coming back and overshadowing the "sick" memories, it's harder for awhile because you really feel what's missing. When I think of Rod being so sick, it's easier to deal with his being gone. When I first started remembering the fun times, it was REALLY hard to deal with. Now it's getting some easier but those "Sneaker waves" that Anna described about put me under sometimes.

Weekends were bad too. For some reason I had more trouble with Saturday afternoons than Sundays. I have found a couple of friends in the same boat and we know hit a movie, play cards or just sit and talk. It has really made a difference.

Hope you all have a good week. Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- Thank you so much for telling me whose pic that is! I have had it saved for a long time and get comments & questions on it all the time. it's so funny what different things people see in it! I love it though! do you know what the artist intended the piece to represent? some think it is buddha,jesus, the holyspirit. I see mother, maiden and crone in it. as well as birth, life and death. what do you see?

[mishknit]

loved the pics of your kids april..so cute!

and mary jo..that's kind of what i meant. The author herself wasn't really ready for a lot of the choices and changes she describes until well into her scond year of grief. While it speaks to the early part...for me that was most helpful in seeing where i had come from, and how i had progresssed. And the reading the choices for those early stages was a sort of affirmation that I had done a pretty good job. But I do think that it's better after a year at least...just my opinion.

I'm going to go find that chopra book...someone else told me about that, and i found the 7 choices one the day i went for the chopra..it was out of stock. I am finding these books very helpful...all different perspectives that remind me how we grieve differently and yet the same. I am also leaving time for my magazines and other reading too. IT's interesting...I've always read a lot, but stopped when tom died, cold only handle flipping thru magazines. But my concentration level is improving, and with that has come wanting to read again..and i'm grateful for that.

anyways, have a good day ladies..kiss those cuties april!

michele

[armaiti]

Aprilmoonflower - I always saw maiden, mother, crone as well...the poem that Mara wrote to go with the painting (she puts poems on the backs of the cards and on the bookmarks) is:

Deep, deep...within the within

That is where you will find Her

Vast, vast... no beginning, no end

She is mother-daughter-grandmother

Mara's website is www.newmoonvisions.com She is just a wonderful artist and peson. She started a group here called S.T.R.E.A.M. - Sisters Together Rejoicing in Expressive Arts and Magic and she also works with younger women and girls, helping them create art and create ritual and magic in their lives.

Hope everyone has a good week, and may those of you dealing with cold nasty weather feel the sunshine on your faces very soon!

Love,

Anna

[missinmyhubby]

Right now, I am letting DH sleep....

I AM BREATHING "FRESH" AIR!!!! SMELLING THE ROSES. LIVING THE LIFE I STILL HAVE AHEAD OF ME. BALL IS STARTING FOR THE KIDS SOON(BASEBALL/SOFTBALL/COACH PITCH). SPRING IS AROUND THE CORNER. FLOWERS WILL START TO BLOOM. THE TREES WILL GET FAT AND FULL. THE SUN SHINES ON MY FACE. THE AIR IS COOL AND CLEAR AND REMINDS ME I AM ALIVE WHEN I BREATHE IT IN.

LOVE TO ALL AND BIG (((HUGS)))

[missinmyhubby]

Here's a thought....

Can our loved ones truly rest in peace if we are still sad??? If we are restless with our feelings, does that affect them? Does my peace that I find at times, like right now, help him to rest better???

[mishknit]

interesting question, that....

can they rest if we're unhappy, can they rest if we're restless?

here's the thing...i have no idea, obviously. but lets say it does help them, for arguments sake.

So now, besides trying to live without them and deal with everything we need to, we are supposed to be happy and strong for them to be ok? I love, loved tom, with all of me, he was the best...but, frankly, he's on his own now..just like i am. i am going to grieve and deal and react and hide and live and love and work and sleep and cry and WHATEVER!!!..on my schedule, based on my needs......he's in another place..hopefully better, certainly different, and I'm left behind.

like i said, an interesting question to think about..but not to live. Not for me.

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

I think my Dh life energy is at peace. I don't beleive in heaven or hell or even life after death though (just energy) so it is a different take for me.

Anna- I am so happy to have found out who the artist is of that pic! so so happy! i may get one of her prints someday!

I am going through some really crappy stuff right now. or on the verge of it w/ my mother in law. she was recently visiting and stole 2 watches of DH. (telling me on the way to the airport she took them and was going to have the bands replaced. wtf?!) I consider them stolen and I am so pissed. I was speechless when she told me this because I actually went out of my way to give her some stuff of DH's.. there are some thing missing as well..especially a box wet of cd's I KNOW as in the top of his closet last week because I looked at it. I cleaned out his whole closet (next time there will be nothing of his to steal and I'll be damned if I give her any more items of his) and it is NOWHERE to be found.I really don't want her to visit again anytime soon.

and that is going to cause a war.. but secondly she invites herself over almost every 2 months (sometimes more often). I need to confront her with this and it's not going to be pretty at all. why oh why does DH family just make my life hell? I am so freaking tired of it. this definitly changes how I feel. and once again I am left feeling SO STUPID to have trusted yet another one of his family members! I have decided they are all purely toxic. I really don't know if I will be able to get past this. ackk. i am so mad right now. what else did she take? I even left her alone in my house with the kids, I feel soooo stupid! she also tried to get me to give her our wedding bands to "keep" for me. I am just sick over her bahavior. I also worry my kids will lose yet another grandparent when I bring this up, but I just don't see where I have a choice not to as I feel TOTALLY violated! she stole his stuff from my home! from my bedroom! what freaking class.

[mishknit]

i feel tom is at peace too april..

wherever, whatever, i have no answers. I was just on a rant about having to take care of him after death too....

so sorry about your MIL...that is hideous.

Michele

[missyouhoney811]

Can our loved ones rest in peace if we are still sad? I know my John never wanted me to be sad. While he was in the hospital for 143 days (99 in ICU) I always fixed my hair, face and dressed up the way he would like to see me if he were well. This is the worse road I have ever been on. When he became a paraplegic on 7/8/97 I thought our lives ended. But with time I got to know a new and wonderful guy that happened to be in a wheelchair. I would give anything to have him back - no matter what condition. Maybe thats being selfish. I love and miss him so. I hope and pray he is not waiting on me to be happy so he can rest in peace --- it's just not going to happen.

[armaiti]

To chime in on this discussion, I think a lot depends on what our individual faith beliefs are...In my belief system, Ishaq is also pure spirit now, but he also maintains some of the traits that he had in life - his compassion, his love of humorous antics (and some of the ADC stuff that has happened has had that touch of "Divine Laughter" that was Ishaq in the body for sure!)

I know when I have been the saddest, or grieving the hardest, that often I would feel his presence. And it was a loving, comforting presence, as if to say to me, "I'm ok and you will be too". That first or second night, sitting alone in our living room unable to sleep I felt this amazing warmth falling over me like rain, and I knew it was him, I felt immediately calmed, loved and protected, and I knew he was still with me and would always be with me, until I cross over as well.

I think if we are sad it is normal and our beloveds feel compassion for us in their new forms, but I don't think we disturb their rest. I've been thinking about longing and separation lately...there is this poem by Rumi:

One night a man was crying,

Allah! Allah!

His lips grew sweet with the praising,

until a cynic said,

"So! I have heard you

calling out, but have you ever

gotten any response?"

The man had no answer to that.

He quit praying and fell into a confused sleep.

He dreamed he saw Khidr, the guide of souls,

in a thick, green foliage.

"Why did you stop praising?"

"Because I've never heard anything back."

"This longing

you express is the return message."

The grief you cry out from

draws you toward union.

Your pure sadness

that wants help

is the secret cup.

Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.

That whining is the connection.

There are love dogs

no one knows the names of.

Give your life

to be one of them.

This was one of Ishaq's favorite Rumi poems. He always yearned for that union between himself and the Divine. I was always more earth-oriented, but now that he has become one with with spirit, I finally think I understand what it means to be a "love dog".

(PS, just a theological note: in our Sufi tradition, Allah translates to "the everythingness and the nothingness", and is genderless)

Peace and Blessings,

Anna

[bsnurse76]

I agree with you Anna. I feel Darren around me especially if I am having a difficult day. Many times I will lay in bed at night and feel a warmth come over me and I know it is him. I do feel he is at peace in heaven even if I am not always here. He use to say all he needed was peace in his life and I believe now he truely has it. I never imagined I could miss someone as much as I miss him. Thinking of everyone. Brandi

[missinmyhubby]

What brought that thought out was something that I had heard right after DH passed away. Someone had said that I needed to find peace for him to rest easy. Everyone always has something to say about how we should handle our grief. I had forgotten about it until the other night when I originally wrote how at peace I was feeling right now. I never really gave it anymore thought until then. Sometimes I still don't know what I believe at times regarding certain topics. Like everyone else, I know I love him and miss him terribly!!! I like to hear others thoughts on those topics I am unsure of. Anna, I like your thought....."I think if we are sad it is normal and our beloveds feel compassion for us in their new forms, but I don't think we disturb their rest." I too have had many moments when I could/can still feel him, times when I felt/feel his arms around me or his presence. The one that stands out the most took place about three months after he passed. I was standing at the back glass sliding door, like every other night, looking up towards the sky. I was looking up wondering how he was doing as the tears started coming. All of a sudden I felt this extremely warm feeling (as snow was falling around me) and just new he had entered my body. It was the same warmth and peace I always felt whenever he held me close. I closed my eyes and just stood there for what seemed like a pretty long time, and just completely surrendered to the experience. That was the first time I had felt any kind of something besides complete devestation since he had passed.

Thanks for your inputs!!!!

big (((hugs)))

Angel

[missinmyhubby]

Seven years ago at this very moment, I was spending the first night together with DH. Tomorrow (well, today, since it is after midnight) is our baby's birthday.

[missyouhoney811]

I was just thinking, the day my son and I brought John's flowers home we arranged them around the maple tree he planted in 1996. That year was good because I hit on the lottery and was able to take 6 months off from work. (President Clinton passed the law if you had someone at home that needed care you could take the time off without fear of having your job taken from you) John was bad with arthritis and he needed a hip replacement. While we were picking trees out he looked at me and said IF HE NEVER HAD ANOTHER SUMMER this was the greatest time in his life because we could do so many things together and we always enjoyed one another. But we actually had time together. Do you realize how many people never get to share time together. As it turned out he had hip surgery 4/17/97 and became a paraplegic 7/8/97. He was never able to walk again. Getting back to the flowers.....John died 8/11 which should have been warm weather but we had a cold spell I believe the week of the 20th.....Went to the Maple Tree to take pictures of the flowers on the flowers was a beautiful blue/gold butterfly.....the butterfly was frozen.....I brought it in the house as a matter of fact it is beside John's picture......We would talk over the years asking what would we come back as if we could. I picked a deer John picked a butterfly. Figure that one out. So needless to say I am into butterflies. I gave myself a treat last night I had my nails done.....on my ring finger I had the girl spray paint a tiny butterfly. Thanks for support. Dorothy

[armaiti]

Dorothy - That is really beautiful about the butterfly! Ishaq has sent me many messages through nature as well. I remember a day last spring when he was mowing the lawn and I went outside and he said he had a present for me - he handed me a blue jay feather. After he passed away, I found blue jay feathers everywhere, and hardly every found a blue jay feather before, even though our yard was full of them. Also other feathers - hawk and turkey vulture and owl feathers, all at times when I had been thinking of him strongly or doing ceremony. I was at a retreat in the redwoods and had made an altar on one of the trees with his picture, and below the tree I found tons of hawk feathers. And when I packed up our tent, there was blue jay feather underneath it. Ishaq never liked to shop, but he sure does a good job giving me presents from nature, which is where he felt the most at home.

I've been having a hard couple of days. The weather is getting nicer here, but it hit me the other day that there would be no more trips with Ishaq to explore caves on the coast, to explore the out of the way routes in eastern Oregon over the mountains that always had me gripping my seat white-knuckled because so many had drops straight down off the side of the road. Ishaq loved an adventure, and we would be planning what trips we were going to take this year and planning and looking forward to them...no more. I can go places with friends and family but it's never going to be the same. I miss him so much. I went for a walk along the river yesterday and saw an old couple walking together and I had such mixed feelings - I had so hoped Ishaq and I would grow old together, even though he told me that type 1 diabetics don't live to be very old. But I never thought he wouldn't make it past 55.

I'm just rambling today because I'm sad. I'm sleeping better, but it makes it harder to remember my dreams, which is frustrating because I can't remember if he was in my dreams or not...I know this will pass as well, but I think I will always feel like a piece of me is missing.

Hope the rest of you are finding some peace,

Love

Anna

[armaiti]

Angel - happy birthday to your baby! And thank you for sharing about your DH...even though it hurts so much now that they have left their bodies, at least we have our memories of the those wonderful times we spent together.

Love,

Anna

[mishknit]

Anna...

I have been missing tom a lot these last few weeks too,and have felt him around me. The 21st was the one year anniversary of his death...yesterday the last time i saw his body, just before cremation, and this sunday, the 4th will be the anniversary of his memorial service. These 2 weeks between his death and memorial were so odd last year, this year interesting.

His brother was here for the celebration, which was a gift, and yesterday his nephew and new fiancee came thru LAX on their way to new zealand, so my son and i met them and entertained them for 7 hours. We were at the santa monca pier and we decided to play some ski-ball, and all 4 of us were on different machines, when all of a sudden, a machine none of us was using filled with balls. My son played them, and then it came up on the board that we had 16 more games! Now...Ski-ball was tom's absolute fave arcade game..he was really good at it..and we all completely acknowledged that he was there with us, enjoying the game thru us. i had been a little teary off and on, but that made me smile!

and an opportunity to be involved in a play reading has popped up, which, again...feels like a message sent to get moving! I'm really listening hard these days...and grateful when i get responses.

michele

[gailand4]

hi all

well another weekend is here. beautiful big snowflakes that may get 1 inch thick here in Maryland. I was blesses that a good friend went out to dinner with me on Scot's birthday. we went to Scot's favorite "blue moo" steak restaurant and she asked just the right amount of questions. A coworker on same day said when i commented on finding a penny in my shoe that it meant someone is thinking of you when you find a penny. I know if Scot takes a break from praising God in heaven and thinks of me, he will be at peace. There are no tears and all is light and he gets the big picture. My son and i joked that if God has cars that Scot is driving cause heloved to drive and wanted to ery badly. He couldn't because of his siezures, but every year we'd be sure to have a bumper car run. take care all

gail

[justamom]

Hi girls, Well I finally cleaned out all of Steve's clothes. My sister was here because her sewer backed up (Huge Bummer) So it was just she and I. She was the perfect person to do it with. She is ruthless about saving crap but just sentimental enough. I saved two huge Rubbermade tubs for the boys with all of their dads sports clothes and concert tee shirts, all of his ties and his ball caps, cowboy boots and gumby slippers. I think they will have a pretty good idea of who their daddy was from the clothes that I saved. Then I was just on a tare and I cleand outmy clothes, drawers, boys closets and everything. My spring cleaning is in full force. I took all of it today to the goodwill. I let it sit in the living room for two days so that I was really sick of it by the time I took it. I didn't even cry. I did when I was going through it but not today. I kind of feel proud of myself. I definitly feel lighter. I have been having a rough time with "hockey boys" soon to be ex-wife. She blames me for him not wanting to get back together with her. Never,mind the fact that she was having a "relationship" with another man for 18months before I came into the picture, but somehow it is my fault. Oh well, I gues that is all about her and has nothing to do with me. We are taking the kids to the CC hockey game tonight and tomorrow he is taking me to the art museum in Denver. It is really nice to have something fun to do and someone to do it with. I have hope for the first time in a long time and I really do believe that Steve dropped him on my doorstep - He was shovelling snow! I hope you all have a good, peaceful weekend. Take care, Lisa

[kristiej]

I also feel Ron around me so often. I know when I'm crying so hard, he is hurting too and wanting to take the pain away. When I can stop crying and let myself feel, I feel a real comforting peace around me.

He was a huge football fan. And he LOVED the Bears. I've been watching them in the playoffs and we almost have a "discussion" on how good they are doing.

[missingcurtis]

I haven't posted for a few days but after reading some of the posts it made me stop and think of some similar things.

I have found pennies on the ground several times since Curtis died. Someone told me that they are pennies from Heaven. On the day that I had Curtis moved to the cemetery here I had to go to the funeral home and pay the bill. I was fine with that because we had agreeded it would be that way. When I was going back out to the car I looked down and found a brand new shiny 2006 penny. I picked it up and have it taped to my monitor. I really do believe it was from him.

I also believe that the people who find feathers are getting signs from their loved ones. I had read a book several years ago about mothers and daughters and they would find feathers, see butterflys, or even cardnials.

Curtis had 4 bird feeders at our old house. He would always tell me to look at the cardnials. I have not seen any here but I hope one day to see one and I know it will make me think of him.

I know God sends people into our lives at different times for different reasons. Some of his friends have been in touch with me and all these people, mostly guys, miss him too. They contact me as an extension of him. But the really sad part is that I never met very many of these guys. They were guys he went to Army reunions with. I never wanted to go. Now I get e-mails and cards from these strangers who loved Curtis too. Some days it is hard for me to understand.

I am doing better with the antidepressant pills and can face things a little better. It may that enough time has passed for me to start seeing things differently also. I never drove very often on the highway because when we went someplace Curtis would drive. After he died it was either I drive or stay home. I have still not tried the interstates yet but I can hold my own on the regular roads and even pass people. We had just bought a new van a month before he died and he told me that I drove it better than I had any other car we had. So I am encouraged each time I get on the highway that he is my co-pilot and is helping me to be safe.

Sorry to go on and on. It just seemed like today I had a lot of things to write. I hope everyone has a great weekend, even those who are having snow and like it. I don't care the snow, just to watch it, not to drive in it.

Debbie..........Missing Curtis...........

[mishknit]

Lisa...

good for you. i know how hard that is, but it does give a sense of peace and lghtns, i think...and certainly makes it all feel real. I'm glad you and hockey boy are doing well......

and debbie, how great that those guys email you and write. i wonder if you might actually get up the nerve to go to one of those reunions and meet some of those guys....it might be healing for all of you.

in these last 2 weeks i really have felt tom around a lot...tomorrow will be the aniversary of his memorial service, and i'm woried that he'll go away again, that i won't feel him so much. I have been looking hard tho, and will continue to do so...i'm getting used to having him around again, and it feels great.

have a good day all,

michele

[rodless]

Hi everybody,

I've been reading but can't find enough ambition to post. Cold weather is really getting to me...feel so confined. Taking the garbage out in -30 wind chill is a challenge. Just Iowa in the winter but this year it's harder to deal with.

I too have the warm feeling sometimes and know Rod's around. I swear I hear him talking in my right ear once in awhile and we almost have conversations. Some of the replies to things I'm thinking or saying come so fast, it must be him, right? The other day at the cemetery I said outloud "Didn't mean to come today but can't stay away from you." Immediately I heard "You never could" and his laughter. So am I nuts???

Have a jar full of feathers on a dresser under a greeting card framed with a picture of a bird that says "You can't always see the bird singing but if you listen with your heart, you can always hear its song." Jumped off the rack at me one day when I was looking at sympathy cards so I took it home and framed it next to his picture. Also have a few other momentos there so is a special place. I still have some clothes, billfold etc. but have moved them all into a downstairs closet along with sympathy cards etc. I can see and touch when I want to but don't have to look at them all the time.

Started a Hospice grief group. Kind of a strange mix so will be interesting to see how it goes. So far I'd say I'm in about the best shape but time will tell. Have a good week.

Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

Mary Jo- I know how you feel. I have been reading but not posting much. things have been busy and I feel like I am moving forward for once so that is a good thing, right?

Darlene- where are you hiding?

Debbie- don't ever apologize for rambling here! I read every one of your posts and I can always relate!

Lisa- I finally cleaned out my DH closet too this week (finally after months of contemplating it! it is all going to goodwill Tues. minus 2 small boxes of things I am saving for the time being) mostly concert tees too! lol

sometimes I have felt a presence. I don't now if it is DH energy or me just wanting it to be his energy. I have definitly had a few incidents that make me take notice though! ( for those that remember me asking DH for a sign then within 3 minutes the shelf falling on me being the biggy! I have never asked for another sign since. lol.

in other news we have a 2month old rottweiler puppy. I really don't know what I was thinking getting a puppy? (we have another 6yo rottwieler as well) I had another dog (a Shepard) but she died last June, I really miss her and so does the other dog. hoping this was good timing with the puppy..time will tell..I adopted her from the pound so I feel pretty good about it at least.

otherwise I am planning my garden for spring and venturing into getting a few chickens this spring as well. oh yeah I have 12 grape vines to plant tomorrow! yay! oh and my other big news is I also found a job I can do from home writing so that is keeping me busy. I haven't made much yet but I will in time. basically trying to manifest & maintain some level of self sustainability this year..

just busy,busy. it helps keep the sadness away at least for me!

also the kiddos keep me on my toes 24-7. my oldest will be 3yo a month from today! I can't hardly beleive it! the baby has been sick again, so we have been homebound this week. they both are keeping me on my toes as usual!

[armaiti]

Mary Jo - You aren't nuts, you are really hearing him, I think, I hear Ishaq too sometimes, and I do talk to him. Today I put some beer in a glass in front of his picture on our altar, for the Superbowl. I didn't feel like having anyone over so I just made myself a bunch of snacks and watched it. I had a pretty hard night last night but talked to Ishaq's best friend and he helped a lot. He's a Sufi teacher as well, and Ishaq's passing was really hard for him too.

April - I've started more gardening too - I got the greenhouse put back together and a new cover on it, and planted peas and broccoli and spinach and lettuce mix today in there, plus 50 bareroot strawberry plants out front around the olive tree. I'm looking to get some gold raspberries, currants, kiwis and grapes too. Turn my front yard into some sort of permaculture heaven, I hope. That will keep me busy anyway. Tomorrow night I have a bunch of Sufi folks coming over for a gathering and need to finish cleaning the house. Being busy helps.

Hope you all have a good week

Peace and Blessings,

Anna

[missinmyhubby]

Anna, you are so right. Thank you for the bday wish for the baby. We are having her party next weekend. I am sad he will not be here to go. We went to dinner lastnight, and were suppose to go fishing today (per her request), but couldn't due to the cold weather we are having. I wish all these tornadoes around us would stop. This last spell has killed 19 people so far and devestated so many lives.

As for signs...I use to wonder if the ones I felt were just me wishing his presence, but I don't anymore. I except them as him being here. Too many coincidences for them not to be. And if it is just us being crazy, so be it, at least we still get to be near them in our own minds...comforting nonetheless.

I am feeling heavy hearted today. Hoping tomorrow will be better.

(((HUGS))) to all!!

Night....

[rodless]

Heavy hearted is a good description of how I've been feeling the past week. Thanks for the affirmations. Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- I know that's exactly how I want my yard too (overgrown w/ food,etc) everyone I know thinks I'm nuts. it's extra hard in the desert but we get lots of rain in the summer at least! (well, most years) I am trying to get the kiddos involved too. DS is excited to grow "pickles"...too cute!

btw what do you do w/ all the strawberries? do you can/ make jelly? I think I am going to teach myself this summer! I ordered bare root raspberries in early Dec. and have yet to get them! arghhh. I have some raspberries planted already but waiting on those. I also am planning to plant 2 jujubee trees! never heard of them but they sound yummy & are perfect for where i live! I think I'm going to try to grow kiwis too! have you grown them before? do you grow them from seeds? what zone are you in? I am in zone 8 btw (high desert s. az)

[aprilmoonflower]

Angel & Mary Jo- I am sorry you both are feeling so down..sending love & strength to you both!

[Guest Guest]

I suddenly lost my husband Bill on jan 1st this year.

And I miss him soo much, and so do my kids!!!

justbroken!

[kathy51]

Guest..

I suddenly lost my husband June 7th ..never sick..died while jogging on vacation..trying to stay healthy....I know it is hard ....My kids miss him too.Please know we feel your pain.(we all have it)...Thinking of you and your family....

[kathy51]

Today is my daughters 28th birthday...Her first without her Daddy..I am sorry I can't give her the one thing she wants(her Daddy back)We always try to take care of our chidren..make painful things go away.I can't do it this time and it makes me very sad.We love and miss him so..

[mishknit]

kathy..

how hard that struck me...your 28 year old daughter's 1st bday without her DADDY...i have a 14 year old.Others have little ones, others have older ones...and it's all the same, isn't it? No matter how old, young.....our dady's are gone. And while a 28 year old may have better coping skills than a younger child..the pain is no less.

that was really a good thing to post, a valuable lesson for all of us in relating to how our losses of our loves affect those around us.

Wish your daughter happy bday from me..and give her a hug.

and yes, how i wish, how we all wish, we could give them what they really want, what they really NEED.....

michele

[Guest Guest]

Thanks Kathy for responding. And I do agree no matter the age of our kids that lost their daddy...the pain is just as great. My husband passed on Jan 1st and my son's 15th birthday was jan 5th. God that was hard....and feels like its getting harder. Thanks to all that share with me.

god bless

[susanbruce]

I haven't posted in a long time. I come every day though and read and it's comforting. My daughter had our 1st grandchild (a boy) on January 21, exactly 9 months to the day since Bruce died. Coincidence? I think not. This child was a gift. His name is Caidan Bruce. Both he and Mom are doing fine.

Coming home afterwards by myself to this dark house was the loneliest I have felt since he died. He should have been with me to enjoy this happy, wonderful, exhilirating time in our lives. I felt so lonely that night walking up the driveway, up to the front door, trying to find my key in the dark, alone. I came in the house, sat at this computer, journaled to him and just sobbed.

The Super Bowl was no fun yesterday. The 2 of us always loved to watch just for the commercials. I probably watched 10 minutes tops yesterday.

My heart finally accepted him not being here on the 2nd of January. It was like it took a big sigh. Ever since then it's been a little better. Thank God for my job. It keeps me so busy plus the people I work with are the absolute best.

I haven't done a thing with any of his things. It's like he's still here. His clothes still hang in the closet, his caps are everywhere, his razor is still charging where he left it, shampoo still in the shower. It doesn't bother me to have those things around. I don't know how I would feel if they weren't around. That's what I'm afraid of. It doesn't make me any sadder than I already am having them here. I've had people tell me that I am just torturing myself keeping all those things around - I just don't feel tortured, ya know? To me it's a comfort. Everybody is different.

To those of you that have recently lost your love, I say you have come to the right place. I offer you my love and prayers. None of us wanted to be a part of this group but now that we are, we do our best to help one another. Even if you don't say much (like me) it's just comforting to read what others are thinking and feeling and to know that you aren't going nutz and you're not alone. There are far too many of us in this situation.

Going to try to get to bed now. 5:30 comes early. Missing my Bruce, Susan

[mishknit]

ahh susan....

you haven't been around for a while, but nice to hear from you. congratulations on your grandchild....and an honor to bruce, i'm sure he's soemwhere enjoying him.

Januray 21 is/was a year for me...tom died that day in 2006. i don't know what day it was that i accepted he was gone...i'm not sure i've accepted it, just adjusted to it. It still comes in waves....i don't know if/when that will end...i jst go with the flow. i do know that this month has been, even in just 5 days, a sort of reenergizing month...lots of new projects on the table..and with some enthusiasm behind them. I will never move on, but i am alive and i must move ahead in life, bereft as i am. I miss tom every second, and try to also make the most of every second i have on this earth. i don;'t believe i only have one shot, but do believe i only have one shot that i am aware of.....the rest will take care of itself, and i will be with tom again. Meanwhile...this is my one life as i know it, and it's time to move ahead with it. Will i fall back, make mistakes, lose my footing...yes. But will i also move ahead...yes.

enjoy that beautiful grandchild, teach him who bruce was. We are all so lucky to have had the loves we did, and so unlucky to have lost them. which is worse....."is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?"..i know what my vote is.

i need to go to bed

michele

[Guest Guest]

Hi...my name is Kim this is my first time on this site and I'm not even sure if I'm doing this right but here it goes. I'm 35 yrs old and my husband died Nov. 18th 2005...no doubt the worst day of my life. We have 2 children who are now 17 and 8...and I'm all alone. He died so suddenly and I never got to say goodbye...I can't imagine my life without him and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm soo depressed, I took off work last April after the life insurance paid to be with the kids..they have needed me soo much but they seem to be doing well now, but I'm falling apart. I feel like my life is over. I'm an RN and financially we are doing very well but emotionally I want to die.....needless to say because of my babies that's not an option yet I feel dead inside and every day is painful. I've stopped crying everyday but I can't seem to get on with my life...I feel so hopeless and lost and yet I was the one who did everything and took care of everyone always but without him here I just feel like I can't do it anymore....what is wrong with me???? I get the kids off to school and go back to bed and sleep till they come home, I have no friends, and no interest in doing anything anymore except the kids activities that I have to do but even then, its excrutiating because we use to do these things together and now he is missing all this and we all need him. Oh God why did this have to happen to me...why????? I want to go back to work and I am looking around but just waking up is hard enough, I just don't know if I can, I worry so much about the kids and being away from them just makes my anxiety worse. Why is life so cruel? My son is only 8 now and misses his daddy very much and talks about him all the time which kills me, and he is the spitting image of his dad which is comforting in some ways and painful in others. It does seen to be helpful to read some of the postings...maybe this will help. I hope and pray!

Missing my Ken...my baby!!

KimandKen

[mishknit]

hi kim....

you did it right.

i am so sorry for your loss, and you are in the right place, for support and a place to vent and feel what you need to. there are many wise people on here...write and listen, you willgain strength. read back for a few months, that will help.

As for your life...kim, one foot in front of the other, do what needs to be done, and take care of your kids...while finding time for yourself. seems like a lot/ it is....but you need to do it..if you have nothing you can't give to the kids..

this is the worst loss, i believe, and anything that helps is good. talking here helps, talking here is good.

welcome, and i am so sorry you're here.

michele

[mishknit]

hi kim....

you did it right.

i am so sorry for your loss, and you are in the right place, for support and a place to vent and feel what you need to. there are many wise people on here...write and listen, you willgain strength. read back for a few months, that will help.

As for your life...kim, one foot in front of the other, do what needs to be done, and take care of your kids...while finding time for yourself. seems like a lot/ it is....but you need to do it..if you have nothing you can't give to the kids..

this is the worst loss, i believe, and anything that helps is good. talking here helps, talking here is good.

welcome, and i am so sorry you're here.

michele

[mishknit]

hi kim....

you did it right.

i am so sorry for your loss, and you are in the right place, for support and a place to vent and feel what you need to. there are many wise people on here...write and listen, you willgain strength. read back for a few months, that will help.

As for your life...kim, one foot in front of the other, do what needs to be done, and take care of your kids...while finding time for yourself. seems like a lot/ it is....but you need to do it..if you have nothing you can't give to the kids..

this is the worst loss, i believe, and anything that helps is good. talking here helps, talking here is good.

welcome, and i am so sorry you're here.

michele

[Guest Guest]

Michelle,

Thank you soo much, I appreciate your kind words and its soo nice to be able to talk and vent and have someone listen who knows how I'm feeling as I guess you all do and I'm so sorry for your loss as well. As I lay here in bed and watch the time pass, I can't sleep and my tears just keep falling, its a really bad night...I look over in my bed to find both my babies here in bed with me which is comforting but sad because Ken should be here and he would never let the kids sleep with us....but they are all I have now....and I thank God for them..they are good kids. well I'm going to try to sleep...thanks again!! I just hope that tomorrow is a better day...I keep trying!!!

Kim

[Guest Guest]

Michelle,

Thank you soo much, I appreciate your kind words and its soo nice to be able to talk and vent and have someone listen who knows how I'm feeling as I guess you all do and I'm so sorry for your loss as well. As I lay here in bed and watch the time pass, I can't sleep and my tears just keep falling, its a really bad night...I look over in my bed to find both my babies here in bed with me which is comforting but sad because Ken should be here and he would never let the kids sleep with us....but they are all I have now....and I thank God for them..they are good kids. well I'm going to try to sleep...thanks again!! I just hope that tomorrow is a better day...I keep trying!!!

Kim

[Guest Guest]

Michelle,

Thank you soo much, I appreciate your kind words and its soo nice to be able to talk and vent and have someone listen who knows how I'm feeling as I guess you all do and I'm so sorry for your loss as well. As I lay here in bed and watch the time pass, I can't sleep and my tears just keep falling, its a really bad night...I look over in my bed to find both my babies here in bed with me which is comforting but sad because Ken should be here and he would never let the kids sleep with us....but they are all I have now....and I thank God for them..they are good kids. well I'm going to try to sleep...thanks again!! I just hope that tomorrow is a better day...I keep trying!!!

Kim

[Guest Guest]

h

[Guest Guest]

Hi.I just found this website so I figured id write. Im 19 years old. On sep.27th my only love died in an accident on his way home from work.He went to work on the 26th and he was working late. I got into a little fight with him before he left and i didnt kiss him bye. But he did kiss and wave bye to our son who was almost 11months at the time.He called me later on that night at 11:18 and everything was back to normal.I was really happy to talk to him and he said he would be back later. I stayed up waiting for him and then i went to bed at around 5:30 in the morning. the next day i woke up and i thought something might have happened but i didnt like thinking like that..until i got a phone call from his friend at work.He told me he got into and accident..and he "didnt make it". I couldnt believe it and still when im reading what im writing i just wanna go back. i wish i could just stop everything from happening and go back and be with him like i should be.He was 22. I just miss everything about him and my son looks just like him and it makes me sad because he always wanted a baby..and now he had one and he doesnt even get to see him grow up. i used to wait up for him and i still do..im just not the same and i feel like everyday i just dont get anywhere.i just really LOVE&miss him and i always will.

-His beautiful girl.

[missyouhoney811]

To the new guest "Welcome to our Club" - It's not a happy place but I strongly feel its a safe and understanding place to be. Missing my John so much. This Sunday will be six months since his passing. The hurt, the pain, the sadness are still with me 100%. Sometimes I wish I could vanish from the earth but I know that is not an option. Life does go on - so they say.

God Bless and Take Care

Dorothy

[missingrick]

Hi everyone

I joined this site lasr night or early morning and wrote my heart out. What could have happened to it.. I don't have the energy to rewrite it all right now. Is there somewhere I should look - it was about the death of my husband Rick, aged 57 of lung cancer on June18/06 Thanks for your help

[missyouhoney811]

To "Missingrick"

The same thing happened to me yesterday. I typed a very long letter -- went to post it -- nothing happened -- it was gone. I can't tell you what the problem was I only hope it cured itself. Keep on writing.

Dorothy