I Miss Him So...

[aprilmoonflower]

(((hugs)))) to everyone going through their 1 year mark. I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could say to make it easier. You WILL get through it though!

Things are getting better for me. it will be 17 months next week. The last 6 have been the worst but I feel like I am slowly come out of the fog of shock. It really sucks but I AM moving on! life is still good, just totally different!

[airymoon]

linda i hope you made it through today ok and it wasn't too hard for you. Michele i like your idea for the one year mark but im not sure who would remember without me reminding them. After kurt died almost everyone sent food to his moms house assuming we would be there or we would get some of the food but they didn't share so im sure if his long time friends remember the day they will go to his mom's house and we won't know about it so im not sure how that would work out but i love the idea.Debbie i think it is a good idea for you to talk to your doctor getting a good nights sleep will make the world of difference. and a mild anti depressant will help also.

Strength to everyone here on this board and i am sending you all my love and support,

Becky

[mishknit]

omg..,.

so, once i decided..the heavens opened! First, and most importantly, tom's younger brother tim, who were so close, was to come into town on monday..he's coming sunday instead, and didn't even know it! i called him to encourage him to change his ticket, he looked, and he's arriving at 11 am sunday, not monday like he thought..the hand of tom, i say. Tim has noone to talk to..i think it will do him a world of good to be around people who loved tom and who will be laughing and remembering.

And then..i sent out a huge, mass email, and just thought i'd leave it to fate. well..so many people have responded...i'm gonna have to make a lot more soup! LOL! the best part is that if there's a lot of people, i won't have to clean as much, cuz people won't notice (I hope).

i told people not to bring stuff..but i am starting to tell people to contribute..altho, we're close to a grocery store and can always order pizza..so i'm not really worried.

It seems like i made the right decision. i have no plans, no memorials, no anything....it will just be people together remembering, and that will be good.

Now....on another note of how this is feeling....it's almost like he's dying again, but this time i know it. and, on the other hand, because i can't believe it's been a year, there are times i can't believe he's dead again..i thought i was through that stage! everything feels so mixed up....it's amazing. In some weird way i'm standing outside of it..looking in, while all these feelings are swirling around.

what a journey.

michele

[armaiti]

Michelle - It is amazing how these things come together...I do believe our beloveds have a hand in the way things happen!

Linda - my heart and prayers are with you today on Terry's one year anniversary.

Darlene - I'm sending you prayers and healing energy as well so that you get healthy and strong both for yourself and Hunter.

Debbie - for what it's worth, I actually took St. John's Wort for a while at the beginning and it helped me a lot. I'm really sensitive to prescription drugs and can't take anything too strong, so this was a good herbal ally for me. But you can't take it if you are taking certain other prescription meds, so it's good to check with a naturopath or herbalist first.

I'm tired, went out with a friend for dinner, and still need to do my evening practices, but wanted to do a quick post because I am thinking of you all - actually had a much longer one done earlier but I hit hte wrong button and lost the whole thing!

Peace and Blessings,

Anna

[darleneandhunter]

I thank everyone for thinking of me yesterday. I put Hunter on the bus and crawled back in bed til 1 pm. Hunter came down sick, which he rarely does. I had to run him to the hospital, and it turns out he has a double ear infection. He was home today, but he's ready and rearing to get back to school tomorrow.

My friend Janet flaked out on me, like she always does. I ended up screaming at her today because the last few ebay orders came up missing. I have to scramble to find the items that I had painstakingly set aside. The only time the ebay stuff is touched is when she gets orders ready to go, so I don't even touch them. It's her job to do all the shipping, and she loses things. I just couldn't deal with it. After she walked out, I put the ebay store on vacation settings indefinately, until we can get it together and do inventory, so I know exactly what we have and don't have. there's no excuse for this at all. After taking care of that, I turned the ringer off on my phone, and went to bed.

I can't believe it's been a year already. At the same time, I feel like 2006 has dragged on and on. My long time friend just got on the internet, and she sent me an email entitled GIRLFRIEND. Mark used to call her that all the time. They would see each other, she would yell out boyfriend, and he would yell out girlfriend. It was comical to watch. She told me how much she misses him, and can only imgine how I am feeling. She is correct, she can only imagine.

So, basically, I spent the afternoon under the covers again. Gonna try not to do that again tomorrow, because I have to finish cleaning up this mess. It isn't too bad. I just have mostly surface cleaning to do, nothing a broom, mop, and some elbow grease can't fix. I think I could have this place in order in an afternoon if I set my mind to it, but I'd settle for the kitchen if I can get motivated.

I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings....

[rodless]

Debbie, I hope you will ask for help. I take a minimal dose of an anti-anxiety drug started when I couldn't sleep or settle down while Rod was so sick. I call it my "chill pill." It is also used for depression sometimes, so I figure I might as well stay on it. Someday I would like to ditch it (I'm not a very big pill taker) but will use it as long as I need it since it helps. God know, we certainly have a reason to be depressed. You're right... winter is a drag and we could all use WARM sunshine. I have a son living in Florida. Maybe I need to take a trip. Mary Jo

[lindat]

My day went okay, and wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My sister sent me flowers, beautiful red roses with one yellow rose. My kids and Terry's best friend all called to check on me. My mom was extra sweet, but never mentioned it I am very grateful for all of your comments. Tomorrow is another day and the beginning of another year. Peace....

[justamom]

Well girls, we made it through the weekend and the 1 year mark just fine and now I have been a basket case for the last 3 days. Can't function, crying off and on, sick to my stomach. Guess I wasn't as prepared as I thought. Got a crazy urge yesterday and went to the Humane Society, found a Great Dane Puppy that is coming home tomorrow. Maybe I really am unstable and spinning out of control. I don't know. I just feel bad. If one more person tells me that I need to fix my relationship with God, my head may actually pop off and splinter into 1 million pieces. I am mad at the big guy and I am not sure how to "fix" it. I miss my old life. Feeling sorry for myself tonight. Hope you all are doing better. My thoughts are with you Darlene, Linda and Michele. All the rest of you too. Take care, Lisa

[armaiti]

Lisa - I don't think you're out of control - I took in a wild kitten after Ishaq passed away and she has been a real joy (most of the time, she does get into things!) Having an animal to love us unconditionally can really help. And they don't sit there telling us what we should do or not do, or how to do it. I just don't get how some people try to take on the responsibility for telling us how to handle our grieving process. I had a couple of run ins with people who had lost parents who "knew just what I was going through" (no,they didn't have a clue) and how I should handle it. Well meaning people, just not particularly helpful.

So enjoy the puppy and if anybody gives you a hard time about it, or about your relationship with God, tell them ...ok I was not going to be nice there, but I do know how some people can really get on your nerves when they try to "help". I just say, "I need to do this in my own way, in my own time, and the way I feel is appropriate for me, and NOBODY else can figure that out for me!"

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Lisa- oh a great dane! I think that is a wonderful thing to do!

since DH died it has very much solidified to me that I am an atheist. I don't think he's "watching" me and in my heart I know he just doesn't exist anymore. we will not be reunited again and he only exists in memory. death is part of life and I trust it so completley now. It's really hard for people to hear this from me though! I have gotten yelled at for believing what I believe! I don't expect anyone else to accept my truth but I do deserve some respect,yk? my response-whatever! people are so weird! they want to know what you think, then it's not good enough..

[darleneandhunter]

I wish I could go adopt a pet, but my landlord doesn't allow cats or dogs here. I don't really want to move again, but I also don't plan on living here forever. Taking this apartment when I did was a way to get out of the hell hole we were living in at the time. My landlord is really very good to me, but this place is a bit smaller than I would like. It's peaceful, quiet, and I have my privacy, but the size of the apartment is driving me crazy.

And yet another day wasted to hiding under the covers.

I tried not to be there all day. After getting Hunter off to school, I did go back to bed, but I set the alarm for 11 with every intention of getting up and getting motivated. It didn't work out the way I planned. I had horrible nightmares. When the alarm went off, I was more tired then when I first crawled into bed. My dreams had nothing to do with my Mark, but they were unnerving, and I bet if I tried to explain them, I couldn't do it without sounding completely insane.

So, I reset the alarm for 2pm, and went back to sleep. At least this time, it was actually restful.

I did manage a little cleaning. I swept up my kitchen and picked up the trash. 9 days to inspection, and I don't really care. I suppose the little I did was better than doing nothing.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do things. I have been steadily working on business stuff. Just today I made 8 pink ribbon pins out of polymer clay, and I coated them in glitter. They are sitting on my stove, drying as we speak. I have also been experimenting with plastic beads and the oven. The other day it was butterflies. I do little crafty things here and there, but I feel like my heart isn't in it. I have tons of great ideas running around in my head, but when I sit to do them, they somehow lose their luster.

If this funk doesn't lift soon, I will be forced to seek out some professional help. I don't know how long things can go on like this.

[Guest Guest]

This is new for me. I lit a candle and sent my husband a heart tonight. I have been trying to go to the grief meetings but so far I have not found one that is helping. So I decided to try this. My husband (John) died on 8/11/06. Miss him terribly I feel as if my heart was pulled out of my chest. Where do all the tears come from? My husband became paralyzed on 7/8/97 due to faulty hip surgery. So in 97 I became my husbands caregiver. When he died my grief is for the loss of my husband that walked, my husband that was in a wheelchair and the loss of my job caring for him. Although he was in a wheelchair we did so much together over the past 9 years. We were buddies and best of friends. We were married for 31 years and together for 35 years. I miss him so very much. I talk to him all the time. I light candles in the house for him. I don't like being without him.....miss his voice, his smile, his laugh. It's not fare. He was such a wonderful person even with all his health problems he never got angry. He was my gift in life and now I am without my very special person the love of my life.

[Guest Guest]

This is new for me. I lit a candle and sent my husband a heart tonight. I have been trying to go to the grief meetings but so far I have not found one that is helping. So I decided to try this. My husband (John) died on 8/11/06. Miss him terribly I feel as if my heart was pulled out of my chest. Where do all the tears come from? My husband became paralyzed on 7/8/97 due to faulty hip surgery. So in 97 I became my husbands caregiver. When he died my grief is for the loss of my husband that walked, my husband that was in a wheelchair and the loss of my job caring for him. Although he was in a wheelchair we did so much together over the past 9 years. We were buddies and best of friends. We were married for 31 years and together for 35 years. I miss him so very much. I talk to him all the time. I light candles in the house for him. I don't like being without him.....miss his voice, his smile, his laugh. It's not fare. He was such a wonderful person even with all his health problems he never got angry. He was my gift in life and now I am without my very special person the love of my life.

[rodless]

Guest, being here will help as much as anything can. I go way back and read posts somtimes just to know that what I feel is "normal" grief. My husband died 7/7/06. He was ill the last 5 yrs. of his life and I find myself bouncing back and forth between the memories of a healthy fun Rod and the sick Rod on oxygen who was unable to do the things he loved. Each are painful. Each are precious.

So much pain and sadness... I am glad we have this place to express it. Tears seem to be the norm here. Yesterday I went to the cemetery over lunch because I could not concentrate on work.... round one. Stopped to see my former boss who's breast/bone/liver cancer is literally eating her up...round two. Then I watched the death scene in Grey's Anatomy... round three. Crawled into a cold lonely bed... round four. Today was better but omg I miss him. Mary Jo

[rodless]

April, Anna, Darlene, Linda, Lisa - I went to all the web sites you have mentioned, read the text and looked at the pictures/videos. I don't have those to offer but the message would be the same... what wonderful men we have loved and lost.

We have earned the right to grieve however whenever and as long as we need to. Those who don't understand can step aside until their own turn comes. As far as beliefs.. it is for each of us to decide and it's so wonderful how all are accepted here. Lisa, being mad at God is perfectly fine .... the only thing that needs to be fixed is the words coming out of the mouths of those who tell you what to fix. MJ

[armaiti]

Mary Jo - I know, that scene in Grey's Anatomy got me too. I started watching the show just a few months ago after Ishaq's son got me hooked on it, and I went back and rented all the season one and season two episodes but I kept putting off watching the last episode of season two because I knew what happened already and I knew it was going to be hell to try to watch it. And then last night's too...I know they are just characters in a show but it just hits you sometimes when you see something like that!

Guest - it really does help to come here and post...we are a real mix of women, with many different stories, but we do hve this thread in common we can share and there is usually something I identify with each time I come here. I am so sorry you lost your husband, but we are all with you to help in any way we can.

Peace and Blessings,

Anna

[missingcurtis]

Good Morning,

We are having snow here in Northwest Oklahoma and I am planning to just sit home today and enjoy the view.

I started on Lexapro this week and I also started a journal to see if I can tell any difference. I also am trying to look at things in a better light.

I have always been a nervous person and probably needed to be on some type of meds before but would never ask. So I am hoping to see a change for the better in a lot of ways.

To Guest, I would like to say that what you are going thorugh is normal. You were his caregiver 24/7 for a long time. That is who you are. Time will lessen the pain but you have had a big change in your life. Just take some time and enjoy your memories.

My husband was on disability for a year and then we only knew he had lung cancer for 2 1/2 months before he died. I know others have lost their husbands overnight but I honestly thought we had longer to adjust. It has been just over a year and I still have a big empty space in my heart.

Hope everyone has a good weekend and if you also have snow & ice, drive carefully.

Debbie................Missing Curtis

[mishknit]

dear guest....

as sorry as i am that you lost your dear husband, i am glad that you found this site. I think it will help..it has helped me and you've already heard from others who agree. Keep posting and reading, and i hope that it will give you comfort.

I have heard so much about greys anatomy..know so many people who are hooked on it, but i've never watched it. there was na discussion on another bb about it too...guess i'm glad i don't! tom was the tv watcher..anything..he'd watch anything! he'd go thru all the channels, say nothing was on, and when i would suggest turning iot off..he'd find some stupid thing. he liked the constant noise. i miss that...but not much. I have to admit that i find the quiet compelling, and if i want noise..it's music that i listen too. My son, of course, watches tv...but because he has so much to do, it is limited, and i still have control...YEAH! When i started knitting it was great, because i could sit and hang and talk with tom and still feel i was doing something productive...i hardly knit now....i miss it, amd need to start again, but my addiction to knitting has changed to addiction to talking to you all on this and another bb.

Anyway....I am busy cooking soup and cleaning....so many people have responded saying they're coming here tomorrow, that i'm doubling my recipes...yikes! If we run out..i can always order pizza,

right?

peace to you all,

michele

[gailand4]

hi all

It really does help to share with others and know I'm not the only one. Scot's birthday is the end of the month and the 2nd anniversary of his death is in the beginning of February. on the first one I think I pretended that it didn't happen. this year i want to combine candles and steak-the man loved his beef. lots of changes and my brain is running 20 directions. I really identified with getting irritated because he wasn't here to help clean. i also figured out that i miss arguing and he was perfectly willing to play devils advocate and bounce off ideas and argue. it was good working in the same field of mental retardation and i miss that. but most of all his beard. Take care i hope whoever was looking for dancing finds it. gail

[airymoon]

Michele my thoughts will be with you tomorrow. Yesterday was the 7 month mark for kurt and it was harder than the 6th. I guess i thought that since the 6th was ok then it sould be easier and easier and why the 7th. Silly to think that since it was an uncommon number (6th, 1 year, 18th)that it wouldnt be bad. Grief does not know time frames. Any way i hop your day of honor and remembering is good for you and i hope it has a healing aspect too. Guest i am sorry you have to go through this but you are welcomed here and we will support you no matter what. This place and everyone here validates your feelings.

Strength and love to you all.

Becky

P.S. I joined the local Y MCA to try to spend some fun time with the kids and i have started woriking out not so much to get into shape but to get rid of some of my anger and pent up energy good and bad. Ill let you know how it goes oh i felt like i was in a funk so i went to my hairdresser and had her add purple streaks to my hair. I love it hmmmm rebelion?

[mishknit]

becky..purple! LOL..sounds great1 i still have to get my tatoo...hmmmmm....field trip!

i know that for me the working out has made such a difference in my mood and attitude...i drive my son to school, go to the gym, and on with the day...huge difference. AND...i'm getting buff, all good.

So, Tomorrow.....i am suspiciously ok.....altho i am enjoying a stiff jack (daniels, that is!).

The house is ready, i've made what food i can, and there are so many people coming over tomorrow i'm sure i'll have to send out for food reinforcement, but...all's good. there's pizza and grocery stores very nearby. I'll get thru it....like i said, and my son and i feel the same..we miss him everday. I think, in some ways , that the reason so many are coming is because the year date means something huge to them..to me, another day without him. And so, i'm glad i can open my home and help all of them out (so noble of me..LOL!) We'll see how i really feel tomorow, but tom loved a good party, and i'm sure he's pleased.

i'll post again after....tell you how it went. It could be i'm totally delusional and all this is doing is keeping me busy and postponing the inevitable meltdown...but i don't think so...i'm sure theres many more meltdowns in my future, but i'm not sure this year mark is going to be one.

peace to you all,

michele

[lindat]

Michele, My thoughts are with you today, I hope you have a great day and no let down for today anyway. I had hoped to make it up there but my car developed a radiator leak and I am afraid to go that far with it. I am hoping to start working again this week, which is really good because then I can fix the car:) The weather is beautiful today, so glad for you. In some ways for me, it has been easier now that I can't say that a year ago Terry and I were doing this or that... But I also miss the close feeling of being able to say that.

Debbie, we lived in Dallas for more than 10 years and I remember well the occasional ice storm. I worried that you would lose your power, then it is really miserable and cold. I hope that the meds help and that you will keep us posted. I have often thought of going that route, but I am terrible about taking pills. I may rethink it though if you see a big difference.

Anna, I can go for days and be fine and if something in a TV show hits too close, I lose it entirely. The other night there was a couple from MS on a makeover show and they had lost part of their house and the show redid their living room. I sat there and bawled like a baby and my mom said - why are you emotional over them, they still have a place to live. Sometimes you just can't explain why to folks that will never understand (even if they love you), but I found that sticking to reality shows doesn't always avoid the inevitable either

Mary Jo, Thank you for taking the time to check out the website. I spend alot of time there If he came back today he would laugh at me. He used to say that if something ever happened to him, give it a week, but then I should start a new life right away. I would joke and say that he would have to allow me to feel bad for at least a month. I would love to redo that conversation, because we didn't have a clue - nobody does until they lose their soulmate.

Darlene, You are in my thoughts and I hope that you are able to find some peace and comfort for your sake as well as Hunters. I can't imagine trying to deal with health issues on top of everything else, you are a very strong lady.

Guest, I am glad that you found us, but so sorry for your loss. You have found in us girlfriends that really get what you are going through. 35 years is a very long time and it doesn't get easier with time, it just gets different. We are here when you want to talk, or even when you just want to read and have your feelings validated.

Becky, OMG what did the kids think??? I would do that, but since I am 60, most folks would just think that I meant it to be blue....

Peace to you all, Linda

[airymoon]

linda my kids like it but my 18 year old just dighed and shook his head. His girlfriend liked it though and the people i work with did.

Michele i hope today as good for you i have been thinking about your idea a lot lately and i am thinking that it would be a good way to honor kurt's life. I can't avoid the date or the fact that he's gone and everbody knows how much he is missed. But he always said when i die i want a party so everyone can laugh and after they are done being sad they will have something fun to think about.His life was always full of fun and that is what i want to do for his one year. As for the tattoo how cool would it be if we all got a small tattoo as a symbol af this board and our new friendship with each other. Maybe a small peace sign. Just a thought.

Becky

[rodless]

Michele, you are no doubt partying while I post.. and I hope is it a very positive experience for you. We need to celebrarte theis life as we mourn their death and you have provided a great example of how to do so.

I had a nice experience today. The guy who's in charge of the cemetery (fellow city employee) took the time to scoop a path and clean off Rod's stone after the overnight snowstorm. I cought him just as he was finishing. He knows I go out there almost every day and usually plow through with my boots. He even cleaned an area around the stone so the dog (Sotties have short legs) and I can navigate. The dog now knows I call it "Rod's place" and she likes to sit on his stone (it's flat and gets her out of the snow.) He would like that as she was definitely his baby. Kind of weird I guess, but a small way to stay connected.

Hope all have a good week. I tell myself everyday that it's one day closer to spring. Mary Jo

[mishknit]

hopefully my last self-indulgent post (at least about this subject!)

yesterday... a great day. A ton of people came by, and, while i planned an open house..in and out atmosphere..it was pretty much all in from 1 until about 7:30 or 8. It was really nice..lots of stories and jokes and remembrances..altho, as host, i missed most of them. It's hard to host a big party alone..you never get to talk to anyone! I missed tom for that, thats' for sure! His brother had a great time, and was blown away by all he heard and felt, and as so happy at the support that my son and i have. my siblings all came too..really nice. And children..teens to toddlers....so lovely to have them around. Everyone thanked me for doing it, for alowing them to come together in love and honor and remembrance of tom..in fun, unlike the shock and grief of last year.

Today, my son and i are exhausted..he had to go to school, insolidarity i didn't go back to bed! LOL

but the real thing is, what did it mean? I'm still mulling that one over in my head. For me..i miss him everday...just as much today as yesterday as last week, as probably tomorrow. he is constantly with me and lost to me.....and that feeling hasn't changed because it's been "a Year". But...i honored him by allowing our friends to have a place to be together and love each other and him and me and our son...that was good, and healthy and so heartening. And I had a good time..it as har work, but it was fun. when i went to bed i needed to cry for a while, out of sadness and love and gratitude and exhaustion....a myriad of emotions. And i need more time to digest it all...but..i know it was good, and am glad i did it.

just to fill you all in!

Now..i gotta go get that tattoo!!!

peace, michele

[justamom]

Michele, I am so glad that you had a good day. That was great that Tom's brother could be there for you as well. Good for him too. I am with you about trying to figure out what it all means. 1 year? Sometimes it feels so long and sometimes no time at all. I am really trying to get myself to face Steve's "stuff" clothes, toothbrush, cologne etc. I know it needs to go, I need it to go I just can't motivate myself to get there. I am all about the tattoo - i am getting one when I "graduate" from therapy. My therapist is going to go with me along with a few select friends and family. I think Steve's mom is going to go as well. She and i are doing alot better. She is surprisingly supportive of my "relationship" with hockey boy. I am not sure what that is all about but it is a relief of sorts.

Becky, Love the purple hair. Great way to express yourself and how different you feel. Not as permanent as my nose piercing either! Although, it seems to be growing on my family. My mom still hates it but she is my mom.

This puppy is whooping my ass. She is eating the BRICKS on my hearth! What kind of dog eats bricks? Love to you all. I have to go break up a fight between dog and boy! Lisa

[airymoon]

Michelle--I am really thinking hard on having a get together on the one year mark now. Your wondering what it all means and i dont really have an answer but just a thought. Maybe it means that although you miss him and you always will and the pain isn't gone it may be being over shadowed by the memories of his life and the good feelings you get when you think of him. For me at first any thought of kurt brought so much pain but now that it is not so raw i can think of the same things and laugh or feel his love without hurting as much. I think it is like leaving the path of mourning his death and loss and finding the one of celebrating his life and memories.i dont want to cry and feel sad evertime i think of kurt and i know i still will even 20 years from now but i want to remember him and laugh and celebrate all that he was and all that he gave me and my family. i need to celebrate not only his life but his love. That is something i can still do for him. I hope this makes sense and im not rambling too much.

Strength and love

Becky

[darleneandhunter]

Had I thought about it, maybe a small get together in Mark's honor would have been nice, but I am not sure I could have gone through with it. Kudos to you for pulling it off.

I am slowly coming out of the funk I have been in. I finished up the antibiotics last night, and I called to reschedule my cardiac catheter. My housing inspection is friday, but I have everything pretty much under control, save for some surface cleaning. With Janet's car out of commission,

I had to do all of last week's ebay stuff alone, which took me away from finishing up around here.

I weatherized the windows, and it has made a HUGE difference in how warm this place gets. I spent the afternoon working in my room yesterday, and I was even able to turn over my mattress. No small feat, since it is a california king, double pillow top..lol. Hunter and I kinda made a game out of it. I ran across some of Mark's things that fell down beside the bed, but I didn't let it stop me from finishing. I paused here and there and stared at the ceiling, but I got back to work fairly quickly.

I did all the Ebay inventory, and I was even able to jaunt over to my aunt's to pick up some more finished angel pins.

Things have been fairly productive. I just have to focus on the regular cleaning. Somehow, my toilet bowl brush is missing...lol. I think it fell into the trash can and got tossed by mistake. I am very short of money right now, but I have enough food, and I just put my last 20 bucks in the tank. I will be fine until wed, when Hunter's money comes in. I can pick up a new toilet brush then...lol.

I guess I am feeling better....

[missyouhoney811]

Good Morning........it's almost 11:00 AM and I am still in my bathrobe did not take a shower, brush teeth or put a brush to my hair. I see no reason to get ready for the day I have no where to go. Although, the year date for me will not be until 8/11 my son sadly told me that he is best man in a wedding on AUGUST 11th. I do have family two sisters and a sister-in-law (like a sister) but I think I want to be alone on that day. Maybe, I will go on a trip (a place that John would have picked).....we will figure this one out. Just sharing small thoughts right now. The thing of it is I am speaking to a group of people like me and I am just not use to it. People actually understanding why I feel the way I do. Thanks much....

[armaiti]

Michele, I'm so glad the day went well for you! You say you still don't know what it all means, and while I wouldn't presume to say what it means for you, it seems to me as I celebrate Ishaq's various important days - birthday, our anniversary, his 40th day of crossing over, 6 month, etc, right up to his Urs, his crossing over day, that I am honoring that our connection isn't over, isn't broken. That I know even while I grieve for his physical presence in my life, that he and I will go on in new ways and be together again. There is a phrase we have used in ritual for honoring the departed - "What is remembered lives" and I think by having these gatherings, these remembrances of our beloveds, it helps them be closer to us and helps us live and love them even through the varied veils of existence. Ok, I'm probably getting kinda out there, but it's what I believe. And whatever you and everyone else believes on this forum is true too, because it is what is right for each one of us. So I am so happy for you that you came together to celebrate Tom in this special way and that it was a good thing for you!

Sometimes on Monday nights I go to a Native American drum group and last night found out that our friends, the son of one of Ishaq's students, and his partner are getting married this summer on July 28, the same day as Ishaq's crossing over. They didn't realize it was the same day, but somehow it seems right. Celebrating a new beginning on that day is a good thing. And while I'm holding the center for Ishaq's celebration that day I'll know that there is a new union being blessed as well. The circle of life, going on and on.

The other day I was having a really hard time, thinking about what would happen if I got sick or hurt and how Ishaq isn't here to take care of me anymore, the way we took care of each other. That night I had a dream that he came home late, but he still brought me a really nice big sandwich. I felt it was a kind of message, that he's still looking out for me, taking care of me from where he is now. After all, he knows how much I love food!

Much love to you all,

Anna

[kristiej]

I’m hoping if any of you are up to it you can help me. I haven’t posted much but I have been reading and feeling every emotion right along with you all. My husband Ron died in August after an almost year long struggle with cancer. In a series of events, I found myself unemployed right after he died. It took a while to gather the strength again to look for work. But in a very strange twist of fate, I found employment at the very same agency that arranged for home care for him.

I was speaking to my supervisor the other day and she was very excited and asked me to write a report and she would present it to the board. I was telling her while I was taking care of Ron and right after he died, I was so focused on his care and then so numb and worn out, that it would have really helped me if I could have had an advocate, someone who could have helped me with the day to day details of life until I was able to take over them again. An example I used that may not apply to many people but really did to me was when I found out that my contract had been cancelled where I was working, I probably could have qualified for Employment Insurance. But the thoughts of collecting all the information and finding out what I needed was just too overwhelming for me at the time so I didn’t bother. There were so many other things I neglected because the thoughts of trying to do them was just added stress on top of all that I was dealing with from Ron’s long illness and then his death.

I was hoping if it’s not too hard, that any of you may have had similar situations arise that you could have used an advocate for – not necessarily an expert in any fields – just someone that could have helped with things that were too hard to do. I’m hoping that if this is a common need, that because of where I work, they might look into something for anyone else going through the same situation.

Thank you. I find that the more I try and help others, the easier it is to accept the blow of Ron’s much too early death. He was only 52.

[lindat]

Kristiej - My situation also was not a normal one, but I could definitely have used an advocate. We were evacuated from Katrina and had only been in our place for a few months when Terry passed away on Jan 17th. I didn't have any family close by and I didn't know any of the neighbors. A few hours after he died, I had to ship more than 30 orders to my eBay customers and I couldn't make any sense of it. Luckily Terry's cousin drove 2 hours to check on me and bring me lunch. She helped me get the orders out, answered phone calls and then delivered the orders to the post office. Since she works, that was the only time she could come and she could only stay a short time, I don't know what I would have done without her. That afternoon, after she left, the SBA called and said that FEMA had turned us over to them to get a loan instead of assistance. I told them that Terry had died and all of my income had died with him. They said that didn't matter, I qualified anyway, but I had to come there right away to sign the papers. I drove 2 hours to Pensacola the next day and spent a hour signing the papers. I was not in shape to do that, by any stretch, but I didn't have anyone to advise me. I don't remember most of the drive home, but I remember going over a very long bridge and thinking that nobody cares anymore if I drive off of it. That was totally illogical and so was I at that time. It was 4 days before my sister could come from MI to be with me. She was only able to stay for the weekend, but I had to move the next week and she helped me pack Terry's things to send to his children and clean the place. I was on the road on Feb. 1st and have been on the road ever since. Every person has a different situation, but an advocate could be a life saver in some cases. For me an expert wasn't necessary, when you are in shock and overwhelmed - just someone to listen and help with little things would have been more than enough. Linda

[mishknit]

kristiej...

i had aLOt of help with getting myself together after tom's death, one woman who knew the ins and outs of his pension plans, another couple who really looked at my finances, hooked me up with a place to invest his pensions...others who cleaned my house and made it possible for me to sit on my butt, others brought food..I was very lucky. i completely understand that most people do not have that, and the idea of actually making that a business, or part of a business is the best idea i have ever heard. There would be such a demand for it...and i would have paid a million dollars for the help i got! Right now i'm taking abbreak from finacial aid papers for high school for my son....tom was supposed to do all of this, but he

s not here. big sigh

Anna...it was great day, and i think i'm still digesting it. in many way there is no difference, but it made a huge difference for my friends, in that they could be together and be happy..it was lovely to see. What i'm realizing over the last 2 days is that all of the people that were here were also here a year ago..and that blesses me and tom so much. And all of those people have been here for me, and want the best for me and want me to have a good and happy life....and as i move ahead, if i can hold on and remember that, than i can do it for them too..not just for me. Looking at the big picture of people who support me humbles me and makes me want to be the best person i can be and live the best life i can. hope that makes sense..but it has given me new drive, and new perspective. i'm sure it will be one step forward, 2 back for a while still, but my focus has, i hope changed, from the loss to the living. I'm sure, SURE, that Tom is right here beside me helping me along too. i need to honor him and his love, and the love and needs of my son....together we will make it through. I have know that, but somehow, now i think i KNOW it.

peace, michele

[kristiej]

LindaT: Thank you so much for what you wrote. I know it's hard to go back to those days. It's almost like reliving them again. I did a first draft and it helped. It was full of anger and blame. But then I went back to it a day later and was able to tone down the anger and blame but kept the passion. But I did feel some peace getting it out.

And you went through such a terrible time! I'm glad your sister was there for for part of the time anyway. Losing Terry so soon after going through Katrina must have totally destroyed you! I know what you mean about feeling so alone. Even though I have two very good sisters and two very good sons, it wasn't until I found this site that I could 'talk' to people who know exactly how I feel.

Michele I was so fortunate in a number of areas too. My son is an accountant so he took care of many of the financial details for me. If it had been left to me, I wouldn’t have been able to cope at all.

[armaiti]

Kristie - I also was fortunate that I had a lot of people step in to help me after Ishaq passed away. Since he was a leader our spiritual community, the outpouring of phone calls and cards was wonderful, but also overwhelming. It was my close friend and teacher who came up from Souther Oregon to help me. She also had been one of Ishaq's students for many years. She got me out of the house and away from the telephone the day after his passing. She also took over asking me about dressing him for the cremation and helping me get past the fear of seeing his body again, since I had never before seen someone who had left their body. She's an ER nurse, so she was able to give me a lot of reassurance, and she really helped me with the funeral director, who was just incredible. Ishaq and I already had in our wills that we were to be cremated, and that no embalming or chemicals were to be used, so that was pretty straightforward.

The hospital also provided an advocate who helped me with the details of contacting the medical examiner and what I would need to do to get Ishaq's body to the funeral home. Someone from the Red Cross where Ishaq worked also helped me with all the forms for the pension and life insurance, which were pretty confusing. I couldn't have possibly dealt with these things myself, they were overwhelming even with all the help. And Ishaq's sister and brother in law also came and stayed with me and helped with the lawyer and the estate papers (we didn't own a house, so it was a kind of mini-probate, much cheaper and easier to deal with).

I do have to say that what really helped me get through this was all the ceremony and sacred gatherings that we had, starting with the Sufi zikr the night of his passing, the gathering of friends at a retreat center to just be together and comfort each other that weekend; doing ceremony with his body in the funeral home with my friend, honoring our connection to him and to the place that women in some cultures still hold - the dressing and blessing of the body of the departed beloved. The various memorials and sharings and honorings in our different communities, who wished to honor Ishaq in their own special way, from the Red Cross where he worked, to the local Interfaith community, to Ishaq's own students planting garlic with me in a memorial garden in our back yard. The creating of his website that I stayed up long hours into the night putting together, that helped me grieve while bringing me joy as well.

I know an advocate would most likely take care of the financial, physical needs of someone who is grieving, but if they were also trained to ask and help the person find what ceremony or way of remembrance might be healing, that would be a great gift for someone when they look back on this most difficult time of their life.

Hope this is all of some help to you,

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[gailand4]

Kristie

yes an advocate/mentor/life coach would have been helpful. my mother in law stayed for 2 weeks and organized and claned (that is her coping technique) she went throough 3 vacumm cleaners but the smeone to prompt to do X or even a checklist of somesort. I'm sorry about the loss of your Terry, my Scot was only 52 also. Actually now that I reflect the moey manager man who had been the elder at the Bible study we had gone to was helpful. I just didn't always remember where I left my to do list from him.

take care Gail

[rodless]

Kristie, I think your advocate idea is a good one, especially for the elderly. I am one of those who keeps a clear head above emotions when I need to (some think I don't feel much - WRONG) so I was able to handle everything myself. But my mom sure could have used someone. She would not wait for my brother or me to be there. We had each gone home for a couple of days due to work concerns but assured her we would return and help her. In the meantime she managed to cancel a credit card instead of just taking dad's name off (then got really upset when she couldn't use it) and somehow got herself listed as deceased instead of him. She blames the SS office but I'm not so sure. She was really rattled and wanted to get everything done lickety split to get it over with. She's normally a very savvy lady who always took care of all the financial stuff but it was a nightmare. Your idea has some real merit. Mary Jo

[darleneandhunter]

Kristie

There was no advocacy program here, but I did have the help of two very near and dear friends. It's a very long story, but one friend actually paid for his services, and I am not in debt to her for it. It had alot to do with a debt she had with his mother, and used that debt to cover the cost, and wipe what she owed her clean.

A long time friend was instrumental in informing me of my rights. Mark and I were not legally married, and my state does not recognise common law in any form. I was amazed at the amount of people that worked for this state that thought otherwise. She told me that if I didn't act immediately, his mother would end up with total control. Because we had a child that he not only signed the birth certificate, but claimed him in court and paid child support for, I was able to undermine his mother and gain control over his services. Because his son is a minor, he could not sign the paperwork, so I had legal control being my son's mother. The funeral director was livid that she did not inform him that Mark had a minor child when she called for arrangements. In this state, if you are not married, your CHILD is your nearest relative, not your parent(s).

Mark's mother tried to get his taxes, his social security survivor benefits, and even his last paycheck. Because of my friend, I was able to keep her from stealing those things from my son. I was completely flabbergasted at how this woman wanted to take everything from us, with no regards to our son's welfare, and she hadn't even SPOKEN to Mark in FIVE YEARS! She even tried to have a court in Texas overrule it, but they dismissed it. He was a resident of THIS state, so the laws here applied, and not Texas.

Having gone through this huge battle, I think an advocacy program of some kind would be very appropriate. I know that had my friend not been knowledgeable, I would have been SOL.

There are a few states that do not recognise common law marriages, and many people don't even know it. You would think that life long residents would know, but they don't. I am constantly getting the oh, I thought after so many years...blah blah blah, and I have to cut them off and tell them it isn't so. Had either of us known that the stupid little piece of paper that we cared so little about meant so much more, I think we would have married a long time ago, even if it was by a JP, just to keep something like this from happening. Hindsight is too often 20/20.

I think I would like to see something started here, or at least create an informative website for people in my position. I would hate to see people in my shoes, but more often than not these days, couples just choose not to marry, as Mark and I did.

[lindat]

Terry and I were together for 21 years and were soulmates but not married either. We had 14 children, but none together. Both of us were separated when we met, but still married. I talked to his wife for the first time the day that he died - she called 3 times, not easy conversations, but both of us were considerate of each other. She legally had to handle all the final arrangements, but their kids asked her to take my feelings under consideration, which she did. I haven't talked to her since, but 3 of his kids call regularly to check on me. They decided to have him cremated and she asked if I wanted part of the ashes, I declined. That is probably one decision I would change if I could, but whats done is done.

Kristi, My sister lost her husband of 31 years on their anniversary while in Las Vegas. She knew what I was going through and knew exactly what to do and say, and still does. She is my angel.

Katrina was very hard, but the day that Terry died put it all in perspective -

stuff is just stuff. That being said, I would give almost anything to have our 20 years of family videos back again

[missingcurtis]

Good Morning,

Is anyone else tired of the winter weather? We have had snow the last 2 weekends and I stayed in the house from after work on Friday night until Sunday afternoon when I checked to see if I needed to dig out the van.

Then this morning I was going to get up and go out of town for my birthday and see some old friends. And it snowed again. Just a light snow but it has been snowing between here and where I wanted to go. So I will probably not go. It may be for the best to just stay put.

I had some thoughts of going shopping so I probably don't need to spend the money anyway. I can just hope that maybe next weekend will be better.

Hope everyone has a good day.

Debbie.............Missing Curtis........His birthday would have been tomorrow.

[lindat]

Hi Debbie, Since I am near San Diego, I have nothing to complain about as far as the weather goes - it is perfect I grew up in MI so I don't envy you at all...

I hope your birthday will be better than mine - there is something really yucky about turning 60... however, it is better than the alternative and one more thing I can't control. Linda

[kristiej]

Does it ever get easier? I find weekends so hard. I can go along during the week and then I hit the weekends. Our sons have both moved out so it's only me in the house. And it gets so lonely and then such a deep sense of Ron's absence and it hurts so bad I don't think I can get past the pain of it.

During the week I work, I just started a creative writing course, I'm starting this upcoming week to meet with a bereavment group, but the weekends are so silent. And I miss Ron so much. TV just doesn't do it for me.

Debbie, I hope you make it through tomorrow. It's another big hurdle to pass isn't it?

[lindat]

Kristie, It does get easier sometimes and then it seems harder. My sister still has bad days and it has been almost 9 years for her. What about a part time job on the weekends, or volunteer work - sometimes just staying busy helps me the most. Everyone is different, so be patient with yourself.

[armaiti]

Kristie - for me, it's gotten somewhat easier, but I'm still subject to "sneaker waves" that hit me. Today is the six month anniversary of Ishaq's passing. I felt his presence very strongly last night, I was having trouble getting to sleep, the way I did in the early weeks and months, but I could feel his consciousness near me. Today the sun is shining and it is cold, but there is the hope of spring in the air. I read today in one of our independent papers how another couple of the elders in our community have passed - funny to say "elders" because they were both in their 50's. One I knew, the other I didn't. One also died of complications from diabetes, but was even younger than Ishaq when she passed. So I am grateful that I had Ishaq for those few years we were together and very, very grateful that he passed in the river that he loved so much.

I've found myself going on mental journeys I never imagined lately, opening to new ideas around life after death and quantum physics - which actually support each other pretty well. Has anyone else seen the movie "What the bleep do we know?". Or read Deepak Chopra's "Life AfterDeath"? Both of these have helped me understand what's going on for me, and for Ishaq. In our Sufi tradition it is said "the body is the cloak the soul wears" and for me it is as if Ishaq shed his worn, tired cloak to shine in the light of Oneness. For me, it makes the loss of his physical presence a bit easier to bear as time goes on.

Debbie - Happy birthday to Curtis! I still count Ishaq's birthdays and our anniversaries. Last year on his birthday we were at the Sufi retreat we go to every year and had a cake to celebrate his birthday and the other birthdays happening that week. I put a piece of cake on his ancestor altar at camp. But it was feeding our own souls as well to do this ritual. Just a thought, if you wanted to do something to honor his birthday.

Love and Blessings to you all,

Anna Armaiti

[bsnurse76]

Good afternoon everybody. It is getting close to 3 months since Darren passed. Some days are better than others. I wondered if anyone had an autopsy done on their loved one and how long it took to get the results. We still do not have the results or the death certificates. There are some things that we can't get accomplished without this information. I am ready for some closure on that evening. The whole scenario plays over in my head and I just want to know what was going on with him. I need to know that I did everything possible and that the outcome would of not been any different if we would of went to the hospital. I keep telling myself this was the plan but sometimes I don't believe it. Thanks for listening. Brandi

[airymoon]

Brandy i know the need for closure i have been struggling with the thought that kurt may have regained some kind of consciousness in the ambulance ride to the hospital and i wasn't there for him and i was having trouble not knowing what had actually happened. I talked to a friend of mine who is a paramedic and he got some of the answers for me and it helped. I cant imagine how hard it must be for you since you performed cpr.Im sure you will get some closure when you get the autopsy report. I am waiting and (hoping it is comeing) for the day i am over kurts death, Not kurt but the death of him. I dont want to see him lying in the hospital anymore when i think of him and i dont want the first image of him to be that or tink about the fact that i wasn't with him when it happened. I know i will never get over kurt and i dont want to. I think that maybe why the pain doesnt get better it gets different is because you get over the death and start remembering their lives without the actual death so close to the surface, you know it happened but it is not the first thing you think when you think about them. Just my thoughts. I wanted to respond to the grief advocate idea. I think that is a great idea. I had alot of people step up and help me with finances and insurance and those kind of things. What i had a hard time with is the simple little things,like grocery shopping and paying the bills and cleaning the house. My oldest needs to go to counseling, we all do but i have no idea where to evenstart with that.Those things are the types of things i would have given anything for. It is snowing here in michigan we got almost a foot of snow between last night and today. Now if the wind picks up we could have a snow day tomorrow.

Love to all

Becky

[mishknit]

Debbie....

i will also say hapy brithday to curtis..and, like anna, i will celebrate his birthday and our anniversary too. his birthdayu is june 21, and last year we had a tree planted. My son and i buried some ashes in the am, and then later that day we had a sort of "pARTY"....people came by and we ate and toasted him (i'm surprised the tree is doing so well after the "scotch" toasts thrown into the earth! On our anniversayr, which was april 1, i went away by myself for the weekend...it wasn't even 3 months for me, and it was very hard, but good too, to take that time, and honor what we had.

Anyway, i'm not sure what I'll do this year...I am trying to relax more into day to day living, i find that's easier for me and i'm, dare i say? happier that way. I am attempting some new things....and hoping for the best.

I will look for that book anna..., and i'm wondering if that was the documentary about the string theory? i heard about that, and have ben trying to read and undertand it..ugh!But it is fascinating.

and i am reading a very good book "seven choices" finding daylight after loss has shattered your world. it's by Elizabeth harper neeld, and i am really getting a lot out of it. My immeditae thought is that, while it is good for anyone, that it speaks more eloquently to me today, after a year, then it might have in my early stages of grief....if anyone reads it, let me know.

anyway, happy sunday to all..i know weekends are hard..i try and keep busy, but sometimes i'm, not, and then i wander around bit..thinking about what tom and i would have been doing. i am trying to remember those things with joy, and then find myself something constructive to do. Right now, laundry is going, and i have to tackle bills...

as i said, hppy sunday!!! LOL!!!!

michele

[kristiej]

It's so difficult not to go to those second thoughts of what if I had done this or what if I had done that? They can tear us apart. I know I've had my share of them. But we did the best we could for our loved ones. We have to know that they know that too. One thing that really helped me right after Ron died was writing our *story* together. He had been so sick and I was so bombarded with the thoughts of the last days but by writing - starting with the night I met him 32 years ago, that first rush of feelings, our first date, our wedding, the early years and those after, it really helped me get past the memories of the final days until I could handle them.

Kristie

[aprilmoonflower]

I am sooo behind with reading here! My life has been so busy latley.

Brandi- it took me 5 months to get the autopsy and police reports. it takes forever in some counties.

i finally went and put flowers over where DH died.. I have only ever put some there once before. I feel kind of bad as all the other crosses around town and on the highway are always elaboratley decorated. anyway you can see a pic here www.xanga.com/aprilmoonflower/ (and the most recent pics of my kiddos and our new puppy!!!)

hope everyone is doing well! (or as well as you can be)

[armaiti]

Aprilmoonflower - Lovely site and pictures! Your kids are so cute. And it was interesting to see your profile picture is one by Mara Friedman - she is one of my very close friends, and she is a Sufi student of my beloved Ishaq. Small world! After Ishaq passed away she invited me to come to one of her women's art classes as her guest, and I ended up creating a piece that hangs over my ancestor altar in the living room. It is partly collage and I used some pieces of sympathy cards I received to create it. You and I have a lot in common! I'm also into herbalism, wildcrafting, and permaculture and just went this weekend to our Green Earth Home and Garden show. Gardening was a real healer for me during those first few months. Just to be able to go sit in the garden, or to pick tomatoes, remembering that Ishaq had eaten from the same plant not so long ago...I grow most of my vegetables in the summer here, and we have two big raspberry stands. I was excited to find an olive that I can actually grow in Oregon! Luckily my landlord is my friend and doesn't mind me turning the entire lawn into gardens... We have a movement here called "Food not Lawns" and a lot of our neighborhood is garden in both front and back and side yards. Ishaq loved to work in the gardens, and now the garlic in his memorial garden is sprouting up through the straw, the promise of the return of spring.

Love and Blessings to you,

Anna