Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Crystal - Tyler's mom - The court stuff still confuses me. It is a long process. It is a frustrating process. Google will help answer some of your questions. I was always on google, asking what something meant...what happens next...etc.

Prayers.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[crystalann]

Colleen,

I am sorry for your problems with Scott.I also feel your fears for your son.I have the same fears with my 17 year old he was a risk taker before and has only gotten worse.He just got a ticket doing 101 on the highway.The highway here is just a two lane road no shoulder.I did take the car.

I am so thankful for this place.

LOVE TO ALL,Crystal

[shorty16]

Crystal, Tyler's Mom

Have you been provided a victims advocate through the court process? In Wisconsin (Waukesha County), we were provided a victims advocate that walked us through this terrible process. Told us what had happened and what to expect.

Our victims advocate worked through the DA's office (procecution). The State of WIsconsin charged Mike with homicide, not us. Ask the DA if such a position exists.

The hearings will continue until: 1. He pleads guilty, not guilty or no contest. He will usually plead not guilty in order to give his lawyer time to prepare a case. Mike did that. They pleaded not guilty and then changed this plea to no contest. We did not go to a jury trial. We also did not ask for any reperation (payback for bills ect.) from Mike's family, because the car insurance payed in full. If Mike's father would not have had the car insurance he had, we would have gone for more during a jury trial.

This whole process sucks BIG TIME. The anxiety leading up to the hearings is horrible. We are with you.

When you are in court. Call our angels to you. Call them by name. They will come. I even called the names of the parents on this site to be with me during these dark times.

You will be speaking in front of the judge. Telling how Tylers death has affected your family. Keep to the facts and try not to editorialize. Also, showing no malice by hoping this killer makes something of his life will actually help you in the long run. The judge will see you as a grieving parent and not a vindictive person.

I am right there with you, my friend. I was there and so were others on this site.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[crystalann]

Susannah,

Thanks I will try that.I love all your advice it always warms my heart and I find little of that anymore.

[ericasmom]

CRystal, only have a moment but the driving 101 is dangerous behavior that many teens display when loss happens, they are on the edge and take dangerous chances. sit that boy down and tell him that we all need him to stop and think about how devastated we all are with the loss of Tyler, now how are we supposed to deal with your chancing death? He is angry and sad and acting out, and you need to let the judge know this too.

[crystalann]

As far as I know there is nothing in this county they are broke.They didnt even have any protection for Lucy Tylers girlfriend She was getting threats cause she was there and saw it all.They told her she should leave town.We did that for awhile it got expensive and now she is back with us.

I will ask when I talk to him again the kid has till the sixth now. Guilty is all he should be able to plea. They caught him in the field a blck away with the gun and Tylers stuff he took.An I pod A cell phone and a shot glass collection he still had in the box.Tyler thoght it might be worth something later if he didnt open it.All that for my sons life.

[Guest msnher]

Crystal - Is he still in jail or did he get out on bail? (Tyler's mom)

[lolynbo]

I KNOW WE HAVE MORE PROBLEMS THEN KODY AND BROOKE BUT HE WAS SO UPSET....I THINK HES BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH WITH THE LOSS OF KOURTNEY...BUT I DO HAVE GOOD NEWS...BROOKE CAME OVER LAST NIGHT AND THEY WALKED AROUND THE NEIHBORHOOD AND TALKED...HE TOLD HER HE WOULD TRY AGAIN BUT FOR HER TO GIVE HIM SOME TIME...AND THAT SHE OWED US/HIS PARENTS AN APOLOGY...SO SHE APOLOGIZED AND WE ALL CRIED....SO WE SEE HOW IT GOES...AS I SAID HE CONTINUES TO AMAZE ME

[crystalann]

This kid is still in jail.I dont think he gets an option for bail.Im glad there are alot of angry people waiting for him.People I dont even know.I just dont want anyone to end up in jail for what they might do seeing him in court.

[dwsmithrn]

hi friends...

so much to read, so much going on, and i can do so little to help...but let you know i think about you all the time and i have you in my heart...your concerns are my concerns. this horrible place, this journey, this pain and sadness is ours to bear, but we have each other to help us through it, some how, some day, some where, we will come out on the other end. not whole, but some one different than we used to be. just as long as we do come out on the other end, where that little tiny lite is shining through, that small crack of lite may be peeking out some where. i hope i can find it with you...some days, i don't see the light, but i am looking for it. my heart still aches, my head throbs, my voice is hoarse from so much crying, my body aches all over, but the good news is: i still get up every day, if only to face the overwhelming grief that lurks over me day after day after day. i keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep holding on to that invisible string, then that invisible rope, and one day i can stand on my own two feet.....i still can feel monday morning, when nathan was holding and stroking my hand...a memory i will never forget....but i miss him too much and i know he knows that.....

hang on friends...we have to be here, i haven;t figured out why yet, but i know we have to be here for something or someone...

diane

[shorty16]

Hello my friends.

Well, today is going better. I already scheduled our Father's Day activity. All 4 of us are going to Arlington Heights Race Track in Illinois. I have never seen live horse racing and neither have our kids.

Doing different things is what gets me through these tough days. Something Brian was not a part of. Then I do not constantly compare (What this would be like if Brian was there.)

Thanks for your advice. This time of year is tough for us. Father's Day and Brian's 3rd angelversary are on the same date this year. Then comes his birthday (7-12). He would have been 20 this year. Brian was cremated on our 20th wedding anniversay (6-25-2008). No parent should ever have to say that.

Thanks again, my friends.

Colleen, Missing my son, Brian more than ever.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hi everybody. It has been quite a day for me today. Long day, but I got some work done and I am all prepared for our coaches meetings tomorrow night. Tomorrow is a day I have been dreading for quite sometime. 8:00 AM until 9:00 PM. Full day of work then each league comes in for their coaches meetings. I get to hear them complain about things that really don't matter to me anymore. Umpires, equipment, practice time etc. I have a feeling my patience for some of these coaches will be very little tomorrow night. I just want Thursday to be over with. I have been dreading it for two weeks now.

Colleen. I am so glad to hear that things are going better for you today. I guess we just have to take the better days when we can get them. I used to say that I have bad days and I have worse days, but lately I have just been having terrible days. I am not even sure what that means. What a great idea to go to a horse race. I totally understand what you are saying with doing things that you never did with your son so that you are not wondering what he would be doing. We are trying to do the same thing. We were going to take the family to Disney World last year, but we decided to wait one more year so that our youngest son Jackson would be more able to enjoy it. Obviously I regret that decision with every ounce of my being. I wish so badly that we would have taken that trip with Brendan. He wanted to go so badly. He died before he ever had a chance to fly on an airplane. Michele and I decided today to take a trip to Florida in May. We are not going to Disney World, but we are staying for a week in a condo on the beach. It will be nice to just get away from here. It just hurts to know I was the reason we waited a year to go to Disney World. I hope Brendan is not too mad at me.

Diane I am still holding onto your visit from Nathan. What a beautiful thing. I am praying that I get something like that one day from Brendan. God knows I really need it. I would give anything to hold his hand one last time. He was quite the hand holder and cuddler. We held hands constantly, wherever we went we were holding hands.

Today has been a weird day for me. Lots of crying as usual. Two trips to the cemetery and one trip to the chapel for complete breakdowns. I also had a meltdown at home when I went for lunch. I went into the woods and screamed as loud as I possibly could scream. Then I broke some branches against a tree trunk and screamed some more. I have been so very angry today. I write a blog and just let loose on my neighbor. It is a private blog so nobody reads it, but I just had to get out that anger at my neighbor. We trusted him and our son is gone because of it. We have officially decided to move as well. Already packing things up in the house. So hard to put Brendan's home on the market, but I don't think we have a choice. We are planning on putting the house up for sale and renting a place while we wait to sell. Hopefully it sells fast. So much going on I feel so overwhelmed. All I want to do is miss my sweet Brendan, but life goes on doesn't it?

I miss you B-Diddy so much. Daddy loves you. Forever and always

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[ericasmom]

Tony, do you think being involved with the baseball coaches is too much right now? Do you feel comfortable giving that duty up? I know you used to love it but right now it might just be a trigger to feeling more pain. I may be wrong too, it may be healing to be around the Fathers who you have come to know...

I know that the day has been hard but it sounds to me that you did many good things to release your anger and your sadness. I don't think, I am quite sure in fact, that Brendan is disappointed in you Tony. He knows the decision to put of Disney made perfect sense. He adores you.

Colleen, what good planning you do and what a good way to look at making plans.

Those of you in the storm path, please be careful, right now Alabama is being hit heavily by tornadoes.

Crystal, I hope that young man stays in jail, how awful for you all.

Diane, so glad that you feel that there is a way to get through this time.

[Guest msnher]

You are all in my thoughts. I wish I could say something to make this road easier, but I'm afraid there is no easy way through. As Diane said, at least we all have each other.

My prayers go out to all in the path of the storms.

I believe.

Love to each of you! Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[charsng1234]

tony thanks for the talk and sharing with me. I had a ok day but lost it after the store. I know I have better days now than 2 months ago I want to thank everyone that has talked to me and helped me through some very dark moments and days. I still do not know what my future holds for me I am still scared of living without shane But i am trying a little more each day.. Hope all is well with everyone here.. shanes mom/sharon

[nicksdad]

[kmb22]

[ericasmom]

When we met in Minnesota some years ago, we piled in Colleen's car, the beast I think we called it, adn drove to a mystical shop. We heard that there was a labrynth there, and we wanted to walk the labryinth as it is known for its spiritual healing. So we went, the labryinth was tiny, really tiny adn we giggled about it but we walked it. Anyhow, I was looking at some old sites I bookmarked many years ago, and I visited this one and went through the labrynth there. It is quite a nice activity with pretty photos and beautiful quotes. You might find it a calming activity before bed tonight. I did. If you do go there, look on the left side of the home page adn you will see it. There are some nice things in the gift shop too of course, but visit the labryinth. (can't spell it correctly however.

http://www.gratefulness.org/index.htm

Bonnie, I think of you each day, and seeing Jason's sweet smile this evening, via Dan, brought me right there to that little time we shared. That little time that fed my soul in ways I cannot explain. Love you on this and each day. Hope you feel the hugs and deep love from your Boy.

[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

JASON, JASON, JASON

Remembering your special smile and spirit

[hotrod]

Hi Sharon What a Beautiful, Creative Tribute to Loss. I agree we will see our angels again

Dee Loved the web site Thanks

Good Night Indigos. I do hope sleep wraps you with warm dreams of your sweetest rememories.

[ericasmom]

Thanks so much Karen, that was a lovely song and visuals. It will stay with me, sing me through the day.

Betty, glad that you like the site.

I was writing a poem in my head as I walked the sunrise today, something about the way we live and breathe through times that we almost wish we didn't, and why? Why isSo I kind of wrote about the way love and need overlap, overlap and where that happens there is a thickness a seam. When the fabric wears away, erodes, or dies, what we hope remains of that overlapping is the love, and while we think we need to have them here to breathe, we find we don't . We mourn that need in some ways. But it is the love that is forever that finds me smiling now. It is abstract thinking right now, maybe a poem later.

[shorty16]

Jason,

Jason,

Jason,

Jason

Thinking of you Bonnie and Rich as Jason's 4th Angelversary is upon you. May he send you butterfly kisses

Colleen

[shorty16]

My friends

I was just thinking about our meeting in Minn and yes, I drove THE BEAST; a full size Chevy Suburban.

Trudi and I were on our way to the airport to pick up Bonnie and Carol. We could hear a airplane - really, really loud, but we could not see it. Then we looked up - through the sunroof - and there it was. A huge jumbo jet. Seemed like it was trying to land on the roof of the truck. We could count the rivets in the wings of the plane. Trudi hid under the dashboard and I was screaming and laughing at the same time.

Something I will never forget.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Dan - Is it Jason's birthday or angeldate? I've lost all my lists. I want to get the right event.

Dee - I'm looking forward to the finished poem. I woke in the middle of the night with something profound (at least I thought so) on my mind and I didn't write it down and now it is gone! I hate it when I do that. The thought seems so obvious at the moment and I think "I'll remember that". No such luck.

Karen - Thank you for sharing your talent and love with us through video! I realize I might not have turned the proverbial corner that I claimed to have turned when I quickly clicked off of the video to avoid the rush of emotions that would soon overwhelm me. Perhaps I didn't turn a corner, but instead, am hiding behind a street sign. Not sure. I'll let you know. You know I will.

My heart is heavy for all who lost their homes and lives in the South. At times like this in my own life, in the lives of people I care about and in the lives of our world, I look within and wonder what is truth. It is easy for me to get lost in fear thinking maybe the book of Revelations is playing itself out and anyone who doesn't know Jesus will soon be screwed and cast into the lake of burning fire. That's the doctrine I was raised with. That's not the doctrine I hold as truth, however.

The doctrine I hold as truth - The God I've come to know and love and trust - conflicts with the doctrine I was raised with. Love tells me there is a purpose for everything. Love tells me we're all connected. Love says we come from pure love and will return to pure love. Fear tells me to get on my knees and repent and deny everything but the God of Abraham. Fear tells me God is pissed off and sending his indignation upon us.

The God of Abraham. Would that be the God of the Jews or the God of the Christians. The God of the Christians...Is that the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants? The God of the Baptists or the God of the Pentecostal? What about the God of the Mormons, the Jehova Witnesses, the Seventh Day Adventists, Native Americans?

We already know the Muslims burn. The children in Africa get fried. That God.

Nope. I don't think so.

I'll choose Love. Love is always the answer. Fear makes me more afraid. I'll choose love. Unless I get scared...

Peace.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Crystal Rogerson]

Hello All,

Been awhile since I've written, but I read everyday. Thoughts are with you all.

Dee: You were speaking of the labyrinths...they are so powerful. My ex-husband made me two out of plaster that I can run my finger through the path of. One is ONLY for me, the other one I have sitting on a table and EVERY child that has ever entered my house goes straight to it and it mesmerized by it for hours. There is one in Denver that is at the carasel (sp) house of the old Elitch's amusement park, that I visited once. It is big enough for several people to walk it at the same time. There is one (my FAVORITE one) in Crestone, Colorado. Crestone in itself is a very spiritual place. This was the first labyrinth that I had ever walked. It is flat on the ground, a gravel path, unlike some that heve a hedge around them as the trail goes, you can see the entire path as you go. When I stepped into it, the farther I went into the path it seemed as though I was "lost", even though I could see all around me. Once I reached the center, there was such a sense of serenity and peace that came over me. I stayed there for what seemed an extremely long time. I didn't want to leave- I wanted the feeling to last. When I was walking the return path, I felt rejuvinated and calm. From then I- I was hooked. Labyrinth's became my life line to sanity.

We live on a huge plot of land and I am making one for my own private use. I have several books on them. I have several pieces of jewelery that are labyrinths. To me they are so healing, hypnotic and calming. I hope that you all can find one to walk through.

Work has been insane, but if I get a few minutes I will see if I can figure out how to post some really good websites for you to check out.

There is so much on my mind, but seems know time to spill my guts. I think of all of you everyday as we travel along this dreaded path.

OH....I think it was Tyler's mom- Crystal (if I have the wrong parent- please forgive me, as I haven't gotten everyone straight yet), but the mom that was talking about going to court. When we had to go to court, I thought it would some "magical" time...trial. That it would make me feel better once we finally got there. I worked myself into a tizzy in the days leading up to it. Then I realized on the 2nd day of the trial, that it was all just garbage, bullshit and didn't mean a thing. It wasn't going to bring my daughter back. Is all it did was get a selfish, remorseless, butt hole off the street...for what turned out to be a VERY SHORT TIME. I am not trying to be such a downer on this subject, and I wish they had a victim's advocate for you, as our was such a help to us. I am sending all the strength and hugs to you that I can, to help you get through it.

Sorry for rambling. Gotta get to work. I wish I could sit and talk to you ALL, all day long as this is the only place I can breathe, is when I'm in this "room" with all of you.

Toni: You are heavy in my thoughts. Wishing you peace! You are doing so much better than you realize. You ARE improving whether you know it or not. Keep up the good work. We are all here for you when you need.

A million hugs and wishing you all peace and sunshine today and everyday.

Love and Light

Crystal- Meg's mom

[Guest msnher]

JASON JASON JASON JASON JASON JASON

FLY HIGH. FLY FREE. FLY BY YOUR MOM AND DAD AND GIVE A SQUEEZE!

[crystalann]

Morning all,

Thanks for all the advice yesterday.I gave up thinking and started working on the house.I did all the dishes,all the laundry,dusting ect... Then out to the yard.I picked up all the trash out of the grass.Then mowed the grass.Watered all the trees and hollyhocks.Fixed the patio washed all the chairs and table.Put up the unbrella ,tiki torches,lights looked good.Of course everyone left.Chelsea said Im gonna stay with mom.From memory I made us Yatzee score pads and we played outside till about ten.Well all that work made me sleep good though.

We Tiffany and Tyler were little they were playing outside.A white butterfly was playing with them it would come down land on their heads.They would scream and laugh and run.This butterfly played with them for a good thirty mins.In the yard yesterday there was a white one.Chelsea was saying look mom I said I know and retold her about the playing butterfly.We looked up there was two and they were playing. Chels said she hadnt seen any others only white ones and would love to see a differant one.Well a few mins later a monarch landed on the patio right next to her feet.It just sat there as if it was showing her its beautiful colors on its wings.It stayed a long time.The one that played with Tiff and Tyler.I always felt it was my dad playing with his grandkids.I thought the two yesterday could have been my mom and dad.Maybe the monarch was Tyler.Hmmmmm

Love to all,Crystal

[crystalann]

Oh and the preliminary hearing was moved again.It was May 12th that was gonna be hard.I still have issues with May.Mothers day,moms birthday,the day she stopped breathing at home and I had to pick her up and carry her to the floor and start cpr.and the day I had to tell them to let her go.I thought that all that I had been thru in May would help me be strong.Now it is on July26Th That is Tylers and Tiffs birthday month the 4th and the 21st.I dont know how I will be strong that month will be hard as it is.:'(.

Hope you all have the best day you can,

Love to all,Crystal

[Brendan's Daddy]

Morning everybody. Another day in Wisconsin and yes more rain. I don't think the Wisconsin weather is helping me feel any better.

Crystal

I am glad to hear that you were able to stay so busy yesterday. It is so nice to be able to keep your mind occupied. The butterfly stories are nice. I know that our children come to us in many different ways.

Dan

Thinking about you and your family a lot today.

Karen

Love that song. I was only able to listen for around two minutes and then I had to turn it off before I had a breakdown. Beautiful song. I just don't think I am ready for it. I would love to use that song as you guys did to make a memory video of Brendan and his little brother Jackson. We have so many beautiful pictures of them together. Some day when I am able to look at Brendan's picture I will have to do that.

Dee

You are so right regarding my job. I am at my worst when I am here at my office. The problem with my job is that it is all sports and parks. Mostly youth sports so I am always around kids and youth coaches. I have two guys that work for me ready to go tonight if I break down at some point. The meetings start at 5:00 pm and should be done by 9:00 Pm. I really don't think I will make it all the way through them all. The early meetings will be rough because Brendan was supposed to be in the Beginners league. That meeting is at 5:30. I will have to see the coaches from last year and many of the kids from Brendan's league last season. Knowing Brendan won't be playing is so hard. I wish I could just find another job. Unfortunately we really need my benefits at this point with Michele only working part time now. I really think that this job is making things so much worse for me at this point.

Today I am trying hard to be stronger. I read a book last night called Safe in the Arms of God. Much of what I read really spoke to me. It made me realize that part of why I am struggling so much is because maybe I don't truly believe that Brendan is ok. I believe in God and I believe Jesus died for our sins. I believe that Brendan is safe and in a better place, but when I get really down I think I get scared and start to doubt. This book helped me to realize that I need to know that Brendan is safe in the arms of God and that I really will see him again. I realize that I need my faith to get stronger if I am ever going to move forward with this life. I know that I am going to see my son again. I know that we are all going to see our children again. I just need to remember this and stop doubting.

I miss my son so much and will miss him every single day. Somehow i need to let go of my guilt an anger.

Daddy loves you B-Diddy, forever and Always

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[kmb22]

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[ericasmom]

I agree, I want to learn more about that one in Colorado as well.

Tony, I apologize, I guess I thought that your work with the coaches was more a volunteer thing, not your actual job. I did not know that your job is all about the sports. Could you put up a memorial bench in the area of your office for your boy, with a plaque, a bench, a tree, and start a scholarship in Brendan's name that will provide sports to others who are unable to afford these wonderful opportunities. There could be a fund raising event, silent auction or some such thing, that will get the fund started. I have a fund in Erica's name here at the school where I teach. She went to this elementary school and so when folks gave us money when she died, we gathered it and started the fund. The nicest thing is I write checks with her name on them throughout the year. Now the PTO contributes to the fund each year, and every July, the anniversary of her leaving, we have an ERI-fest in our back yard and we raise money there from our friends and family as we keep ERi's light shining. While nothing brings them back in their physcial being, having them here in other ways provides so much healing both for those who receive help in her name and for her old mom and brother and step dad who know that Eri keeps on shining her light for others. Her daddy, Michael, my ex, also loved the site, and he supported it too, but sadly left here two years ago from cancer. He is dancing with his Daughter in the skies above. Right when I said that, the sun broke through a leaden gray cloud adn beamed into this window as I typed. Love you Michael and Erz, for all of time....

[ericasmom]

JASON

JASON

JASON...forever you.

[shorty16]

Tony

Guilt and Anger - Both of which I am extremely familiar with.

The anger I have seems to be lasting longer than the guilt. My kids also are still so angry with the driver.

To me, the guilt is almost like self-mutilization, self-torture. I have been over and over and over every minute of that night and the past 16 years of Brian's life to determine if there was anything I could have done. And I have come to the conclusion that there was nothing I would have done different if I were in that same situation and know what I knew then (not now of course, he would have stayed his butt home that night).

I have many other books that are very good to read. I would be glad to send you so if you would like to read them.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[kmb22]

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[crystalann]

GUILT it will most likly be with me forever.My husband and I had been going over to my moms to do laundry all that day.Thats why the door was unlocked.We had many signs that day.I had brought my moms dog to my house that day.No dog there.When it was time for them to go over we couldnt find my moms dog.Then when they did and went out the door I noticed he didnt do what I had asked him.I was going to stop him I even opened the door to tell him to come back.I didnt I just smiled and waved and they did the same.Why didnt I stop him that was my intention when I opened the door.Then when they got there the dog ran down the street leading Tyler away from the house.But Lucy went in found the guy.He grabed her and threw her down.He ran out the front door Lucy behind him screaming.Tyler heard and ran back to the house to help her.He met the kid in the drive way noticed the kid was trying to get something from his backpack.Tyler stopped but his hands up and was backing away.The gun came out and Tyler was shot in the chest.It went thru the top of his right lung and out his pulmonery artery.No fixing that I guess.

So guilt I have it and I probably deserve it. Crystal

[heartbeataway]

Wowie ..... wow....... wow! You guys rock! You remembered our boy! Thank you!

Thank you Dan for this amazing picture and the one on FB too!

[westleysmom]

Bonnie-Thinking of you and your's today.

JASON-Fly high with all our angels.

[daveydow1]

Hi to all INDIGOS-----Many storms moving through yesterday, so I was not able to get on the internet due to

very weak sattelite signal. So----it is difficult catching up, but here goes.........

Karen----thanks for your kind words of Davey's pic. Yep----that old thing of guilt.....seems to pop up again and

again. Just a part of the grief process. I know I still have guilt after almost 8 yrs....not all the time, of course,

but it does intrude on my thoughts at times.

Betty----I will get this post finished first,......then attempt to post the pic of the quilt. Thanks for your kind words, friend.

Dee----Your dream of little Alice, and the coinciding dream that her parents had was surely the little angel's way

of saying she was OK in heaven. Glad that you were able to share . You are right about the dangerous driving by

siblings as their unhealthy way of sometimes dealing with grief. Years ago, a family known to us through our

daughter had a son who committed suicide....at age 20. His younger brother, who was a friend of our daughter,

always drove very wildly......wrecking cars left & right, and worrying his parents to death. He undoubtedly was

acting out his grief. Last year, he shot himself to death in his apartment at the age of 34. His poor parents.

What a tragedy.

Carol----Oh....Thanks so much for your story of how you & Ralph met and fell in love. How heart-warming,...and you

did temper the story by saying that you have had your ups and downs like everyone else. I have heard of people

putting peanuts in Coke, but have not tried that......even in my younger years. But, I, too eat ketchup on eggs sometimes,

and do like it. Once when I was a little kid, I was at my grandparents farm, when a neighbor/farmer came in the

morning, and was invited to sit down and have some breakfast. My grandma served him fried eggs, and he put

MUSTARD on the eggs. YIKES !! That is the one & only time I have ever seen or heard of mustard on eggs. Anyhow...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO YOU & RALPH.

JASON.......JASON.....JASON.........SMILE DOWN ON YOUR MOM & DAD TODAY......YOUR ANGEL DAY.

Colleen----We, too, avoid the scene where Davey died in the highway accident. Never go there at all.....(it was about 15 mi.

from where we lived.) I know this is a difficult time of year for you & your family......my heart to you, friend. Good luck at

Arlington Park. (my husband loves horse racing.....we just returned from KY. to the Keeneland racetrack.....lovely area.

Rhonda & Diane-----So glad to hear that your sons gave you signs that they are ok.

Tony-----The signs/dreams will come from Brendan. From my experience, they come just when you least expect them, and

are, of course, always so good to have. Sending prayers.

Crystal-----Sorry that you are having a hard time, with the family arguments etc. I know that when this happens, it can

just magnify the grief that you feel. Wishing you better days ahead.

Trudi----thanks for the lovely pics.

Sharon-----I so know what you mean about being able to hold it together at work, then just 'losing it' after work at home, or

on the way home. I had that experience also,.....as so many others here have had. Peace & comfort to you.

Diane-----So good that you feel Nathan's hand on yours, to assure you he is OK.

Crystal----Megsmom....Yes,.....the times in court can be such a downer. We also had that experience when we went for the sentencing

for the trucker who wasl sleeping at the wheel and ran over our son's car, and crashing into 7 or 8 others at a freeway exit. Twenty people

were sent to the hospital. Many injured. My son was the only one who died. The sentencing was very light, and we felt so letdown. It was like......"OH well.....things happen.".............NEXT !! I couldn't wait to get out of there-----very difficult. I sympathize with you.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Hope this comes through. The border of the quilt may look blue, but it is shades of

lavender and purple. (I'll be lucky if this works)

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, what a dear you are. We remember.

Sherry, so wonderful, your quilt is exquisite. thanks for sharing.

dee

[Brendan's Daddy]

Afternoon everybody.

Sherry

Thank you for the prayers. I really hope your are right and Brendan will send me a sign. Maybe I am a little too selfish with signs. I have had signs from Brendan. The Hawk that flew at my car window, the cardinals, our phone lighting up. I have had signs like that, but when I get depressed I question everything. I need to stop that. I guess I just need to pray that God leads me on the right path back to Brendan. I just need to know that we will be together again.

Bonnie

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and your family today. I hope through all of our connections on this website that our kids know each other up in Heaven. I hope Brendan has gotten to know Jason up there.

Crystal

I am so sorry that you feel guilty as well. From an outsiders perspective I can hear your story and know without any question that you SHOULD NOT feel guilty about what happened. At the same time, I know why we as parents feel guilt. People tell me all the time that I should not feel guilty about what happened to Brendan, yet every day I battle the guilt. Neither of us deserve to feel guilty for what happened to our children. I hope that together we can work past those feelings.

Dee

No need to apologize. Parks and Recreation Director is my full-time job. It was a job I used to love. I was at parks and sporting events constantly and Brendan was right by my side. He thought his daddy owned the parks the schools etc. Now it is so much different. Anytime I am at a park or a school I just feel a void of what is missing. What has been taken away. What will never be. I love what you have done in Erica's memory. We are trying to do the same thing for Brendan. We have the Brendan Memorial Fund from donations right after he died. We have been blown away by the support. We have raised enough money to buy so much for our Community when we choose to do so. My co-workers also donated a bench and a tree for one of our parks in Brendan's name. That will be nice. Currently we are working on the Brendan's Memorial Playground. We are building a $75,000 playground at one of our parks in Brendan's name. It is going to be amazing and helps me to keep going. I know that I need to work hard to keep his memory alive. I can't believe how well the fund raising is going. We should be building his playground by August. I will make it my life's mission to keep his name and memory alive and do great things for people in his name and honor. He touched so many lives in his 7 short years.

Well it is almost 4:00. Only 5 more hours of work and I am done for the day!! Coaches meetings start at 5:00. Should be interesting. I hope you all have a good night. I am sure i will be too exhausted to check the site after work. Thanks for all the support as usual.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Dear Sherry, I agree with Dee your quilt is exquisite

Of coarse I checked out New York and found it extremely lovely

It is obvious great deal of love and care went into the finished product.

Thanks for posting it.

I hope all Indigos are connecting and feeling loved today

[mikesmum]

My friends

I was just thinking about our meeting in Minn and yes, I drove THE BEAST; a full size Chevy Suburban.

Trudi and I were on our way to the airport to pick up Bonnie and Carol. We could hear a airplane - really, really loud, but we could not see it. Then we looked up - through the sunroof - and there it was. A huge jumbo jet. Seemed like it was trying to land on the roof of the truck. We could count the rivets in the wings of the plane. Trudi hid under the dashboard and I was screaming and laughing at the same time.

Something I will never forget.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Ahh yes my early experiences of America! I think the only time before that I had seen footage of a Surburban being chased along a freeway flanked by many police and helicopters everywhere. We did laugh, it was okay.

Sherri - I love the quilt. The floral details beautiful. Such a tragic loss on son gone the other to follow. My biggest worry when Mike died was that the pain would be too much for his brother. Thankfully Steven I guess chose to live in honour of his brother. He has completed his plumbing apprenticeship and bought his home. He believes Mike is with him spurring him on.

Tony - Something I found after losing Micheal was an intolerance to the trivial things that people found the need to express. Working with coaches and listening to the gripes of simple problems will be hard, but take it easy on yourself, you are allowed to call a halt to proceeding and take a 'timeout'. As for selling your home, well Mike had moved out but those last weeks he stayed with us for 10 days. Its the home I came to after being at work, sitting with his siblings and where my other half brings his ambulance when he works. For me, well selling isn't an option just yet so I have move and rent down by the ocean. I wish you strength in these early times.

Crystal - The legal system is such a difficult thing. The deals, the postponments, the dates all add to the weight you already carry. Many here have gone through this and take the BI family with them as they write the victim impact statements and read them to the courts. With those statements its something you need to take your time in doing. First draft....let it all out...emotions, feelings, hopes, dreams. Then comeback to it. Look for the statments that reflect your loss and the 'impact' of losing your son on you. It will never be easy. Here in Australia, impact statements are vital, but they must be focussed. Hearts to you as you face this process.

Bonnie - How could one forget the 'boy scrubbed in sunshine", his mum who beams at the mention of his name. Love to you and Rich.

Its still sunny here, the Royal Wedding is on today...I will be trying to finalise my research report.....leaking brain syndrome attacks.......

Love to all BI'S Trudi

[ericasmom]

Well what a busy day...student council over lunch and my regular class all day adn then a shower for two teachers after school, run to the gym, light work out and back to school for a few minutes before going to a teacher/parent dinner at a very nice restaurant.

Phewwwww!

Tony, I love that your job is Parks and Rec and I adore the many ways you are marching forward lifting your broken hearts to the skies and honoring your Brendan with a park, with programs and one day, when it is not so very painful and nightmarish, there will be a clear sense of Bren in the town where he lived. He will live on through all of you and through the laughter on the playgrounds built in his name and memory.. At first the laughter of other children takes you back, but then you will know that Brendan loves the sound of kids laughing and he will join in from his new home beyond our gaze.

Rhonda are you okay? Did those tornadoes affect your town. I pray that you are well adn all others. The destruction has been horrendous.

Leah, have not seen you for some time, just give us a glimpse to let us know that you are out there.

Peace to All, one day peace to all

[lolynbo]

THINKING OF ALL OF YAL TODAY...

JASON JASON JASON...PRAY YAL HAD A ANGEL FILLED DAY...

PRAY FOR ALL THOSE IN THE TORNADOS...LIVES, HOMES, CRITTERS....SO VERY SAD

[westleysmom]

Dee-TN had a lot of rain and the city where I work has a river that runs through it that is almost over its banks. It flooded last May at the same time Nashville did and everybody is pretty nervous about it. It destroyed 200 businesses along its banks last year and some of them had just reopened. We had really bad wind Monday night and the power and internet was out where I work for most of Tuesday. Those utility workers are worn out around here, its been keeping them busy. On a happier note, CJ just called and he's out of jail. He's going to try to come over later or tomorrow to see us. I know he'll roll his eyes, but I fixed him an Easter basket. I had asked him Saturday if he thought the Easter bunny would come see him and it made him laugh, so I got a few treats and put them in a basket for him. I still did that for Westley and it makes me so sad on the night before holidays that I don't get to do that anymore. I hope he likes chocolate.

I read a post on another thread, I can't remember what it was, it's one or two down usually from this one. The lady on there said that her son had died maybe 5 or 6 years ago. I can't remember, but she said that she finally had to decide that the best thing she could do to help her feel useful (or needed or something like that) was to be there for her other 2 children. That no matter how sad or broken or miserable she was, her son was not coming back and remaining that way (after working thru her grief to the point that she felt ready to) was not what she wanted to do with her life and her other children still needed her. So she had devoted herself to living fully and being there for them. I know that is what the more long-timers say from time to time on here, but just the way she put it, very matter of factly, really hit home for me. I am still struggling with the guilt and all that stuff, but I hope that some day soon, I will be that lady, or at least be able to think more like that. I know that certain times will always be harder than others, but I feel like I'm getting better a little every day. I know I wouldn't be without the support I've gotten here.

Love to you all and thank you for being here, the long-timers and the short-timers. If we were all at the same stage in this, we couldn't help each other as much.

Sherry-Love the quilt. You're so talented. TN's Iris is really pretty, they're getting ready to bloom here if they don't float away.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, I go to bed with a smile to know that first, you are safe, adn second, that you are feeling that you know that one day you will feel differently than today and third, that it is so right that if we were all at the same stage we'd be like blind mole rats, climbing over each other unaware of where we or anyone else was. Love you. Great for CJ and something tells me that he will love his Easter Basket, eye roll-age or not.

[mikesmomrs]

Have been busy all day, starting early, and never got back to send Bonnie and Rich comfort and wishes for peaceful memories of their "sunshine faced man" to surround them and bring warmth to their hearts.

JASON...JASON...JASON... saying your name, always remembering...

love to you both, Bonnie and Rich...

[mikesmomrs]

thinking of all of you, as usual...in my prayers and thoughts...will have to come back and post tomorrow (actually later today). We WERE able to get the anniversary "gift" that we had hoped for...will share tomorrow...

love to all my indigo family...

[mikesmomrs]

I am so sorry for all of you who are in the path of this awful weather that is tearing across the country. I hope that you all remain safe and do not see any property damage.

Tony: It was so good to read of your plans for keeping Brendan's memory alive...it is so very important, to you and your wife, and to his brother, Jackson, and all of those who knew him and loved him. Honoring him in a way that will bring joy to others is something that he is definitely smiling at. I am sorry that you are having to leave the house you thought you would live in forever, however, that accident site will never go away, and while the decision has to be yours and Michele's, I don't think I could live across the street any longer. It would be terribly difficult to do, but I wish you well. You wrote " I have had signs like that, but when I get depressed I question everything." I think that all of us feel that way at one time or another, no matter how much time has gone by. Even with all of the signs from Mike that we have gotten over the years, every now and then, my mind starts working overtime, and I can't help but ask the question again..."Is he truly okay?" Our life's mission is to be sure that our children are always "okay." How can we let that go, ever?

Rhonda: I too was happy to hear that the thought of one day things being better for you is present in your heart...it is definitely a positive step to moving through your grief to a point where you will feel like living again, and finding joy again...as Westley would so want you to do. I am so glad that CJ is out, and I hope that he realizes how important it is to stay out, and works hard at moving forward with his life. I think that you will have played a huge part in his efforts by your support of him while he was incarcerated. It sounds like he appreciates what you've done.

Sherry: Beautiful quilt! It looks like you put tons of work into it....how long has it taken you to make it? Did you embroider each square yourself? I have the makings of a quilt of pictures of Mike and Sarah and the boys that I have been trying to put together forever. I got the pictures put onto cloth, picked out the material for the quilt, but have never gotten it started. I am not that sure of how to do it, and each time I take it out, I look at the pictures, and sigh and put it back again. Good for your for finishing such a beautiful project. Thanks for sharing the story of the mustard on the eggs...funny.

Dee: Sounds like you had a seriously busy day...I am glad that you got a few minutes for a light workout. I hope you enjoyed your dinner out.

Trudi: I am glad that you are eking out some more sunshine as the seasons change. Glad you are back at the ocean, also. (you are, aren't you?)

Colleen: I am glad taht you had a better day. I was sorry to hear that you are worried that you and Scott are drifting apart...you said that Brian is only mentioned when you bring up his name...how does Scott respond to that? Does he then willingly talk about Brian? When Mike first died, Ralph didn't want to talk much, either, but we finally worked it out and I am blessed that he likes to talk about Mike as much as I do. I hope that you and Scott are able to come together in your memories and discussions of Brian.

all of our Indigos...Betty, Sus, Crystal (all of you), Betsy, Leah, Pam, Lori, Lorri, Kathy, Sonya (how are you doing?), Lynn, Amy, Karen, and any I may have missed...thinking of you always, sending thoughts of comfort and strength.

I mentioned that Ralph and I were getting an anniversary present that I wanted to share, but couldn't until Thursday. That is because I wasn't sure til then that we were going to be able to get it. A couple of years ago, we had heard that they had a ceremony where you could spread some of someone's ashes at Fenway Park. Well, at the time, they were in the middle of a huge reconstruction period (over the off-season time), and put any more ceremonies off til it was all done. Well, when it was all done, they discontinued them. We were really disappointed, but not much we could do. Well, now they have come out with a "Memorial Brick Wall" that they are going to put into place in celebration of Fenway Park's 100th birthday, next year. You can have something inscribed on a brick that will be placed in the wall when it is built. You also will get a replica brick, inscribed, to keep for yourself. When this was announced last week, we were not sure we would be able to do it...they are only selling a certain amount (money goes to their cancer foundation), and we thought we might not get into that certain amount. Well, I ordered it today, and we are really happy about it. We were so disappointed when we learned we couldn't have the ashes ceremony, and this will certainly go a long way to make up for that. I know that Mike is smiling about it...his memory being a permanent part of Fenway Park, one of his very favorite places to be...he is likely doing handstands.

here is a copy of the a picture of the "mock up." (There are two bricks in the picture, because the bottom brick shows what will be on top of the replica brick that we receive.)