Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

yes Dee....that is what we would be ...paralyzed...and yes....what we were doing with our child...our family ...was just 'living'...and I think that knee jerk reaction to that 20/20 hindsight kind of thinking is just a path we detour on while on this grief journey...

[Mermaid Tears]

sending a 'thinking of you' to Debbie...

hope you are safe...

and doing ok...

[Mermaid Tears]

am thinking....have a few moments...

   I

think

my grief in the second year...

has gone deeper

in another layer...

as I have said before...

I am possessive of 'my grief'...

I don't need anyone to share it with...

except parents that have lost

a child..

or children...

[Kalikama]

Dee--I live in the metro Detroit area.

 

Mermaid Tears--I can relate to the possessiveness of grief.  I didn't have it when our oldest died, but this time around I just am not even connecting that others are grieving for my son.    When our oldest died, I was busy taking care of others, so I'm not sure if I'm experiencing some "left over" grief from that or not, but I know only people who have lost a child can relate--especially those who lost one so unexpectedly.  Sometimes I think I analyze my different reactions to both sons' deaths as a distraction.  

 

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Sherry, thank you. I miss my gal tremendously. She was a true and loyal friend. I am confident that she is now at peace with my son... and in full mode running like the wind.  

 

Susan, this journey is hard indeed. Some days are good and many are beyond painful. We somehow learn to pick ourselves up and take slow steps forward. Each day inching towards a different but less painful existence.

 

Well, it was a crazy afternoon. We decided to head into Gimli to check out one of the Farmer's Market's in the area just outside of town. We parked the car under some shady trees and headed toward the stalls. We were anxious to buy some yellow beans. Can't seem to find them this summer. Everyone is growing green beans. The yellow ones are so much more tender if they are fresh and not too mature. Anyway, there was a soccer field close to the market filled with what had to be thousands of seagulls. As we were purchasing some fresh honey we noticed two young children running like the wind towards the gulls. I do not have to tell you what happened. It was a scene from Hitchcock's, The Birds. We all ran like the wind for cover. Heck I wish I had a video of it. The kids were delighted! Ross and I made it back to the car without any mishaps and laughing like crazy. And this is my point in posting this...life has it's good moments. Times of laughter and warmth. When we suffer a loss such as we have... we need to go through the necessary steps of grieving. But take heart...there is light again at the end of this walk.  We just need to be patient and allow ourselves to get through those steps at our own pace. Nobody has the right t tell us how long it will take. It is our own choice.  But we do find the inner strength to do it. We can and we will. Love, Kate 

[Sholl1955]

Yes Dear Friends I am still hanging around.  Thank you for checking on me.   I read every day.   My hubby is still struggling along, but we have good home care for him when I am at work.  I am thankful. I am in a tough place right now but am waiting it out.    Have a quiet evening

Sandy

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I've been reading. Dee, I love your sand writings. Thank you. I've been very busy this week. Appointments, phone calls, hours on end at hospitals. One thing about PTSD, it allows for a certain amount of disassociation. I just go on autopilot and do what needs done. I'm taking back over the family business so lots of meetings and teleconferences to catch me up. I'm blessed to have an awesome group of people working there. They are more than willing to go above and beyond to help and because of that I should be able to do most things from home and still be here with the boys. My husband has a lot of work and a long recovery in front of him but for now it's a day at a time. We see the neurologist next week to find out if the nerve damage may be permanent. Yesterday, I spent the afternoon at Trista's site. It was the first chance in a couple of weeks that I've had. Today, I spent most of the afternoon in Trista's Garden. When I was in West Virginia I had some ideas and today I spent the entire day bringing them to life. I will post pictures when I can. I feel her so close in her Garden and I hope the labor of love and beauty is felt by my sweet Girl in the place she is. A friend of Trista's shared a link to Trista's tumblr account on Facebook. I didn't even know what tumblr was so would have never found it. I guess it's a sort of online blog. Tris mostly shared images she liked. Most of which were of flowers, fresh and dried and greenhouses and gardens. Lots of quotes about gardens and flowers. It's no wonder I feel her there with me when I'm working in her garden and sometimes I think she's designing it herself through me. I read what Susan wrote about this second year. I agree. There is no such thing as harder or easier on this journey. Just different. And this is so very different. I'm so tired but just wanted everyone to know that I do read and think of you all. I send prayers and love and am so thankful for the same from all of you.

[ericasmom]

Shannon, I am very glad to see your post tonight and glad that you have been taking care of things in business and at the hospital with the doctors. I wish your husband a full recovery. I wish you some peaceful times ahead, they will come, but not right now. Though the garden ideas being put to reality is a great way to taking care of you and finding ways that will be good for your soul and spirit. Keep us posted when you are up to it and most importantly, take care of you. I know that your Angel feels the grace of your creations in the garden for her and smiles as you work. Have you read Language of Flowers?

 

On the world news tonight there was a heart-felt story about a couple whose Daughter was killed by a drunk driver. They talked about how hard life was now, but that recently they found a list that their Girl wrote. A bucket list of all things. She was all of 22 I think when she died. So her parents have decided to do all the things on the list that she hadn't yet fulfilled. They went to Niagra Falls this summer to see the falls through their Daughter's eyes. They cried as they saw what she so wanted to see. Well they posted her bucket list and folks from all around the world are also doing what their Daughter wanted to do in her lifetime and they post it letting the Mom and Dad see total strangers tell how inspired they were by their Daughter. What a gift. It was very moving. I am sure that you can google it if you want to see it. Let's us know what we always say here, we find ways in which to go forward,taking our child forward into each new day,  and we find those ways in our own time, on our shattered hearts.

 

Kate, wow, birds is right. Wherever we go on a field trip or are going to be outside with kids, I tell them, NO FEEDING THE GULLS! They will gather in huge groups and insist on more food and your space wills shrink as more birds gather...

Lovely to run to the car laughing, lovely of you to share that with us.

 

Sandy good to see you tonight and glad to know that the care you have in place for your Hubby is such fine care. I will hold you in my thoughts as you go through this hard time.

[karenthiemermann]

Kate: Thanks for the "well-wishes " re: my x-rays. Unfortunately I have to wait till Monday for results. The pictures from the "hoedown" were a surprise. My sister, who helped with the decorations, took them and she posted them on Michelle's FB page. I'm attaching another one of me with the twins. Such special memories!

 

Susan: I taught myself how to bake artisan breads back in 2000 after all the kids had moved away from home. I was suddenly alone and needed to find something to occupy myself with. It has proven to be my "go-to" therapy when I'm feeling stressed. Yes--Michelle had a "sassy spirit" to say the least! From the time she learned to walk, (always on her tippy-toes), she had that spirit about her.

 

Kalikama: My energy surprises even me. I feel drained and exhausted, but restless and agitated at the same time so I have to move around. Yesterday, I fizzled out and did nothing but think and write about My girl. 

 

Sherry: I think it was the very next day after I learned of Michelle's death, that I found this site. I felt so desperate and went searching on the web in the middle of the night for something, someone, somewhere, I could turn to. I was so lost. This site was on Google, so I joined. It has been a lifeline for me ever since. I'm so grateful.

 

I finally heard from Michael yesterday. He said he was OK, just trying to cope. I know he's not OK, though. We're trying to get him to come up to Austin for a couple of days. He hasn't responded to that yet. I really hope he comes. It would do us both some good to spend some time together.

 

I've thought a lot about "right ways" or "wrong ways" to grieve; how can anyone put a label on this? Or a time limit? It seems that we all have our own unique journeys while on the same journey. I was completely paralyzed and physically ill the first week. All I could do was sit and cry. I couldn't even look at a picture of my beautiful child. I know it's just been a short time ago, but feel I must go on the way she would want me to. She could never stand it when I was "down" about something. She would try to console me and lift me up. She usually succeeded, too. I let her spirit guide me now. 

 

 

I'll be baking bread today; we'll visit the farmer's market and the food co-op, too. It will be good to get out, even in this oppressive heat. I'll be exhausted by 3pm. 

 

Hoping all of you have a good day and can just make the best of it.

 

Wishing you PEACE and LOVE,

 

Karen

[Mermaid Tears]

Karen...thanks for sharing that photo....I see a lot of 'Mama Love'....

and you are right...no one...not even us on this site that has lost a child/children can tell you 'how to grieve'...there is no 'right or wrong' way....and there is no bell that goes off telling you when to 'start or stop'....

  You are the Star of this Movie...

 

 

Sandy....am glad you read our posts....whatever you are going through we are here to hear you...I wrote your Sarah's name in the sand at Port Aransas....

 

Shannon....the one positive is that your employees are 'there for you'.....that will certainly make it easier...

and that you can work from home for most of the time...

gee...am sorry you have this on you...

Trista's site/garden is simply beautiful with all the work from the heart...

 

Dee....am always amazed...'At the kindness of strangers'.....will look up the bucket list...we know the parents will get so much healing from others....now that is a positive about social media...

 

Kate....thanks for always telling us....'there is still laughter in life'....

 

Kalik....I think what I found I was doing after losing my John David....is I 'second guessed' myself...

and that was a new 'symptom' for me....for I have always been pretty decisive...

but then again....we do break down...we shatter..so it is for sure our thinking is foggy...and we have 1,000 questions that stream across our minds/thought patterns....even now...the big ' WHY' will cross my mind over and over....it is exhausting.

[ericasmom]

Lora, how goes the move for your parents? And what of your impending move? Have you located a place? Thinking of  you.

 

Prayers please for my Wonderful Niece Laura, a beautiful funny and engaging woman, decided to do the back surgery that was intended for her when she was a young teen but she didn't want it then. She is 28 and undergoing an 8 hour surgery on Monday to correct and fuse her back, she had scoliosis though never visible to us. She has always kept her hair long and has dressed in very casual wear, never back baring, so she feels ready for this HUGE step. As she gets older without the surgery, it will only cause her more and more difficulty. Extra prayers for this lovely woman would be much appreciated. I know her cousin in crime will be fluttering about her. The surgery involves some very difficult stuff, needing almost every bone in her back to be broken in order to do the fusing. She should gain an inch in height maybe more. Recovery will be hard and the doc said that she should never run again. My sweet Laura.

[Angel Boy of Mine]

  love this, so true!

[Kalikama]

Was in such a funk today.  Didn't even want to go out on the boat and hang out with the neighbors and friends. I DID get dressed before noon, so that was a plus!  Eventually, took a boat ride with hubby,dog and remaining son.  

 

Afterwards, hubby and I went to Home Depot to buy paint for Ethan's room to make it into a guest room.  One advantage of him moving out 2 years ago, was that we already started converting the room.  Bought new bedding about a year ago, so used that to pick paint colors.  WHEN this will start, I have no idea! LOL!  But we got step one done.  I'll post pics when we start.

 

[ericasmom]

Kalikama, funks are part of this for sure. We find our footsteps but we also find ourselves back a few steps. That is part and parcel of this, it's okay when we find ourselves in it. We don't always stay in the funk. When Eri died, her bedroom had already been turned into a guest room as she had assured me that she was signing another lease and not planning on moving back in with us. SHe knew that she would always have a place to live if it did not work out in the big old world...so as it turned out, she came over for a surprise visit just when I was putting her photo on my bookshelf  in my  office, next to a photo of my sisters and me, and next to my Mom's red glasses. (Mom died the summer before). I placed a photo of Eri at age 4 up there and said aloud to just me, there, now we have three generations of women up here. In walked Erica with 2 friends from her home in Kalamazoo, and she gave her stamp of approval on the way her bedroom changed into a guest room and the guest room into my new office. It made me happy that she liked the changes.

I know that your having started to convert your Son's room into a guest room allows you to not feel that tug of making things different. I know many people who have had a hard time even thinking of changing the room which is totally understandable. You took a very big step today it seems to me.

 

Becky, love that message about courage. Thanks.

[Sailormom]

We had already turned Brians into a guest room that he used when there was bad weather, cause we lived within a mile of his work.

We did move his furniture back to the house and put in the extra bedroom but its not set up like it was his room.

We went to the river caamp and it just rrminds me of how much I miss him and that we wont have any grandkids to e njoy the camp with to watch swim and ride the jet ski.

[ericasmom]

Sailorsmom, I know how deeply sad you feel when you go places and remember the way it was when Brian was still here in the physical world. Be kind to yourself, knowing that your Son would want you to stand where he no longer can and that takes time. It takes time and we need to feel some sense of freedom in that. Nobody grieves quite the same way as the next person. As long as you are not hurting yourself there is no wrong way to grieve.

[karenthiemermann]

Dee: I will definitely remember your niece in my prayers. Fusion surgery is really hard to go through even at 1 or 2 levels. I can't imagine the entire back. Bless her heart.

 

I am extremely tired. Another sleepless night after so much physical effort during the day. I still don't have much appetite, either. Last night, well at about 2:30am, I sat here in my chair, so mentally and physically exhausted, that I almost thought I could see and hear my daughter in the room. I'm guilt-ridden. So much so, that I am having trouble facing Michelle's death. I know that now. My "busy" routine during the day is not because I'm dealing with this. In fact, it's the opposite. I can't bring myself TO deal with it. I feel weak and frail of mind and body.

 

I had a panic attack this morning. My throat started to close up and I couldn't catch my breath. It scared me. Somehow, I was able to calm myself down. Dee--I think it was you who told me how real the mind/body connection is. On the sickest day of my life, I didn't feel this horrible, and I can't seem to shake it, as if it were a bad case of the flu.

 

In church this morning, our pastor was asking how many people have lost someone and therefore have lost their trust in God. I wanted to raise my hand.

 

Time. A process. I just want her back.

 

Peace and Love,

 

Karen 
 

[daveydow1]

Kalik-----You are brave to take the first step of converting your son's room. After

all.....this rough journey we're on is filled with steps........some steps forward....

and of course....some steps back.  But all along, we are making some progress.

It just takes time, and each must follow their own timeline. I can relate to what you

said about grief when your first son died, and having others to look after at that

time. When my baby, Lisa, died years ago,....I, too, had other children to take care

of. Sometimes the sorrow we felt can be pushed back by circumstances, and

then when the unthinkable happens....and another child leaves this world too soon,

then grief for BOTH children is felt. The grief for the one lost so long ago also

resurfaces along with the sorrow we feel for the second child's passing.  Sending prayers.

 

Karen----I think all here at BI can relate to the physical effects of grieving. They

are very real.....the sleeplessness, lack of appetite, exhaustion, etc. that sorrow

causes.  All this along with the emotional wreckage that we have to deal with.

For parents who are new to this journey,...the early times are especially difficult.

I, too, am glad that you found BI in the early days after your heartbreaking tragedy

of losing sweet Michelle.  Wow.....that homemade bread must be soooo good. I

can almost smell the aroma of the baking bread all the way from Texas to Ohio.  

 

Dee----Sending prayers for your niece, Laura.  I hope that all goes well with the

surgery and recovery process afterwards.  Thanks for the sand message for all

BI angels.  I'm sure each and every one smiled down from above when you wrote it.

 

Shannon----Lovely garden for Trista.  Sending prayers for your husband.  Thanks for the pics.

 

Kate----I so agree----those beloved pets are with our sweet children in heaven.  Pets are

God's creatures, so they are reunited with our children who loved them, I believe.  Yikes !

Birds flying everywhere.  We must keep looking for all the bright spots in life....for they

are there.  Peace to you.

 

Sandy----Good to see your post.  Thoughts & prayers for you and your dear husband.

 

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   IN   THE   BI   FAMILY.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, thinking of your niece this week and wishing for an great  outcome to her surgery! 

 

Karen, hold on! The days are both manageable and also not so much at the beginning. Each day we find ourselves experiencing the feelings related to losing our child. Some days we can manage and others we just do not have the energy. That is ok. It is a hard and very difficult process. You can do this.

 

Shannon...wishing you luck and know this next period will be difficult... but we all know that you will manage just fine. I hope your husband makes a good recovery.

 

Sherry, peace to you, my friend! Yes, birds everywhere. The kids were in their glory. The bright spots are definitely becoming more so with each passing week. Life is good.

 

Love to all, Kate

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Uggghhh… I had a fairly long post written and lost it. I know better than to post directly to the site because that happens to me but I did it anyway.

I have been reading but it’s been late at night so I’ve been too tired to post. I do think of everyone here daily.

Dee, I’ve been sending prayers for your niece.

I’m hoping things return to some type of a routine this week. The boys and I need that. I spent the weekend in Trista’s Garden. I needed the garden therapy and it was so good to see my ideas taking shape. Although, most of it just sort of took shape on its own. I love the way it turned out and feel it’s something Tris would have designed herself. Aiden is able to play in Trista’s Garden now. He loves the stepping stones and has created endless games using them. I have also hidden tiny dragonflies, butterflies, and fairies throughout the garden that Aiden loves to hunt for and play with. I know Tris loves that he plays there and imagine her playing with him and watching over him as she’s always done. I will share some pictures.

The pictures I posted before were of Trista’s site. I take pictures when I go to send to my Gramma. She has always gone with me, to Trista’s site, at least once a week. Now she’s unable to go because of her foot so I send her pictures while I’m there. It’s hard on her to not be able to do what she’s always done. She is recovering though, it will just take a while. On a positive note, my husband will be selling his motorcycle to help pay for some of his medical bills and Trista’s memorial stone. It will be a big step for me to be able to design her stone.

I had some surprise visitors yesterday. I was really too tired for visiting but it was good. Jessi, Trista’s cousin, came and brought her little boy. Jessi is the daughter of my second cousin. I don’t know what that makes Tris and Jess but they were so close. They were born just three months apart and grew up just down the street from each other. Trista was Xander’s (Jessi’s son) Godmother. It seemed odd for my 17 year old to be a Godmother but she took her role very seriously and loved Xander so much. Aiden and Xander played hard outside all afternoon. Just as Jess was leaving, Ashley and Camara, two more of Trista’s closest friends, showed up with gifts for Aiden and brownie mix to bake with him. He had a great time. By the time everyone was leaving he had fallen asleep on the couch, before they even got out the door.

Ashley is the girl who was driving the car the day of the accident. I think it’s good for her to be here and spend time with the boys. We talked about Trista a lot. She reminded me of how, when Tris was in Middle School, I had designated Saturday morning for house cleaning and chores. Tris would always invite Ashley to spend the night Friday night, knowing that Ashley would do most of her chores for her. Tris had a habit of working for five minutes and then needing a fifteen minute break. Ashley said, “By the second time she invited me on a Friday night, I knew what was up.” I miss my Trista so so much.

Thinking of everyone here today and sending wishes for a peaceful day.

This is Trista's Garden when it was first started last year.

These are pictures of it now, after all my work.

And here is one of my Aiden hiding in the sunflowers

[ericasmom]

Shannon, the garden is lovely and to see your Little Guy playing in it is a reminder to us all that we can find comfort in the things left to us. He can feel his Sissy there and I do believe that the labor of love in your design is a delight to Trista.

 

Karen, avoiding facing the death of our Child is a normal action. We feel numbed in ways that allow us to live and little by little we digest the reality of it and we try to distract ourselves. Why wouldn't we, the most sad thing has happened. You will face the loss of Michelle in your own time. We know that you realize that Michelle is gone, but we also know the ways our body and mind work to keep us from the devastation of it. It will not be denied, but grief will happen and you will face it fully and you will survive. I know because we have and that is why we are here. THere is nothing easy about it, nothing, but we are here to listen.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, thanks for sharing pictures of Trista's garden by your house...it does give one inspiration to look at it...it is beautiful...

 

...is your husband doing okay? By that I wondering can he get around independently and such?

 

I was looking at August dates, Jesse's birthday will be this coming Saturday, August 2, then John David's Angel Day on Sunday, August 3, followed by Lanes first Angelversary on Saturday, August 9...

 

Just too many good beautiful young people gone too soon...

 

Yes, I do question the wisdom of the Universe.....and definitely let it be known...maybe the great "WHY" question will not be answered here in this earth life..but I am going to yell it to whomever is listening up there....I do not have a problem with expressing negative emotions of grief, or should I say the "darker and/or primal" feelings...I would rather go in the middle of nowhere and get it out than to have it all bottled up ready to explode....part of the grief journey that many experience, the anger cycle...something seasoned grief counselors will agree with...good book on this was one Shannon recommended, "Entering the Healing Ground". It was a very realistic book on grieving...

 

...yesterday when I was talking with someone I just got the impression they did not totally get the devastation that goes along with child loss -- too much focus on the "good" that is supposed to come out of several young people's deaths in our area (a girl in car accident, mine and then a boy who accidently shot himself- second child death for that person) -- they were just glazing over these deaths a bit too lightly for me...now this person is a wonderful, giving lady -- she just needs a huge reality check --- (she has 6 healthy adult children, very good life overall),  I wanted to say "so which one of your children do you want to be run over by some creep and have your beloved child die by the side of the road for some supposed greater good?"...I get so totally annoyed with people who try to make light of a tragedy and to make it less terrible than what it is...just the other day I responded to a woman making a suicide threat because of her child loss...(another forum), that is why things of this nature deserve to be respected for what they are...

 

Not that doing something to better the world in our child's name isn't a good thing, of course it is, -- if the grieving parent gets strength for it and it is what heals them, all the more -- it is just this subtle attitude of the lightness on the part of some over the child's death and the brushing aside of the pain that I am annoyed with...

 

In my own circle of people, not many understand this type of pain nor do they want to. I am very grateful to all that have helped me and have offered unconditional support during this time. It has been a lifesaver for me to come here and share with people who truly get it.

 

***************************************

 

Prayers for all here, and sending a special prayer for Dee's niece for surgery and those who need healing...

 

To those who mention changing their children's room...I think whatever you feel will help you in this grief journey is a good thing to do....you will have a heart knowing when it is time to change things or let go...and if you choose to keep things, it is okay too...like Susan says, "You are the star of this movie"...

...We still have almost all of my son's things...including his house...it is where my husband goes to process his grief in his own way...

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, it is clear how much love and effort went into creating Trista's garden. It is just perfect for her! I love the pic of Aiden with the sunflowers. My goodness they are tall!

 

Laurie, I agree that we all have our own way and time of grieving. Expecting others to get it is simply not going to happen. Once in a while a person manages to get it right with a comment, or their effort to understand. Unfortunately they have to walk in our shoes to truly understand the level of pain we feel. I have long since given up expecting to be understood. It does not matter. I will say that there are times that I lose patience with someone when a casual comment can be made, or they appear flippant in their response. It is sad really how many withdraw... as they are uncomfortable or unable to offer comfort. They appear to almost feel as if they are special in some way and this type of thing will not happen to their lives. Not so! If they only knew.That then becomes the time to clean house and make new friends. Sadly, when I was twelve... my best friend died from a heart issue. Her mom was unable to bare the grief and sadly she took her own life. Losing a child and a spouse has to be the worst loss of all. Time is a great healer and it allows us the chance to rebuild our lives again. It is not to say we will ever forget them...how could we? But life continues and we need to find the strength to get back into it and participate again. It takes a ton of effort and patience.

 

Karen, thinking of you and hoping the test results will be good ones.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

am back from a week-end trip....will tell about it all later....

 

Laurie....that is why I come to this site....for I don't have a circle of people/friends around me that has lost a child...

 

and I have to be blunt and truthful....before I lost my John David....I 'thought' I was giving sympathy and caring consideration..

...but I never...ever could have known this dark grief....

unless one has lost a child/children...there simply is no way to put your foot in the door...until.....

 

I am not saying I was not sympathetic...I consider myself a good and giving person...I was simply ignorant..

and that is the 'why' I give so many around me a 'pass'....

that is why I don't think they are 'mean or inconsiderate'....

they simply do not know...and there is really no way they can know......until....

 

I and many on this site will nod our heads...agree....that the 'words used' to try and comfort us...'heaven needed another angel'....or.....'they are in a better place'......or.....'now they do not suffer and are better off in their heaven's home'....

 

are all TRUE....

but to the grieving parent....

We needed our child...

We want them back in our place...

We would never want our children to suffer....

But....WE just want them back....

 

We are on a long grief journey....a long one......and as for me....I know FOR ME.....I will have to come to a place of

Grace...Acceptance...and have a very firm footing on the place where I am standing for and with John David's light and persona....

     I am not 'there' yet.....

 

and for all the parent's that are in limbo about their child's room/house/truck/car/books/toys/football jacket/tennis shoes still in place on the floor....the unwashed shirt....the wallet....car keys....stuffed animals....costumes.......homework...

  and for Laurie...and Shannon....taco papers....

Just know....that you will KNOW when to do one thing...or many things....and the time will be right...and you will have a 'knowing'.....and also....in time....some idea or useful or another direction...will come to you....and it will be 'just right' for you....

 

for the new ones on this site....Dee wrote a poem called 'Tangible Things'.....I hope she will post it again...it means a lot to me....I have a piece of paper that I found in John David's things....'MOM' is written on it....I have it scotched taped to my bathroom mirror....I hear his voice when I look at it.....it is my treasure....mine.

[ericasmom]

Will do Susan:

 

Tangible things

 

They are the possessions we hang on to

long after the event.

The prom dress, yellow satin,

the first skating skirt, double tiered.

her trophies and report cards,

her favorite dolls

and her black lefty mitt,

all packed in boxes.

Holy and sacred.

They are things,

the touchstones that I cherish and protect

 

Laurie, I sure do understand that seemingly endless supply of niceties about the death of our Beloved Child. It is the best that most can do but I do know how hollow they sound, or how self-serving, as though saying that makes it okay to move on to another topic...and eventually it does become easier for us to excuse, but we have to educate folks. I don't think that we teach about death in this country. We don't sit with the topic and ask questions of kids and adults the way I do believe we should so that it is not a hushed subject. And so when folk say what they say, and may believe fully, we can reply in a teaching kind of way by saying something like, " no matter the religion or belief system, it will never feel like she/he is in a better place to me." Or, "God may have needed one more Angel, and yes, my Child is a wonderful addition to Heaven, but it does not make it hurt less, and so I am in deep grief." I think that statements such as these are gentle ways to let folks know that it is not over, the grieving is ongoing, and 'pat' sayings, no matter how heart-felt, are not a bow to put on the subject but perhaps an opener to a deeper discussion.

 

Just received a text, the 4 hour mark in Laura's surgery and all is going as expected...keep sending prayers please.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee ....I said prayers for your niece...and prayers that His Hands will be guiding the surgeons....and I lift them up on my prayers, too....

  my Aaron told me that many times in surgery....he felt 'lifted'  and 'guided'....and with beads of sweat breaking out on his forehead...he said many times the patient 'came through' a very narrow pinpoint of surviving....

 

love ..love that poem....

 

Shannon....I am enthralled...impressed...

your hands and love are all over that garden...

and Aiden feels right at home there

as it should be..

Mother Nature knows how to heal the best...

and Mother Nature knows what we all need...

[ericasmom]

Thanks Susan, I went out for a bike ride and certainly included prayers that the surgeons are able to do what they so want to do: heal.

Turns out that Laura is still in surgery, going on 10 hours. Yikes my little Niece. More prayers please.

[daveydow1]

Dee----Continuing to send up prayers for your niece, Laura.  Bless her.

 

Kate----I agree...and I, too, have given up the hope that others could understand

the grief that we all feel here at BI, ( and grieving people wherever they may be).

I guess I gave up on that long ago.  Others cannot truly get the depth of our

grief unless they, too, have had the same tragedy in their lives.  Yes---it's pretty

hard to keep patience when someone tells us that they are sad and in pain

because they lost their pet.  Everyone here knows the sadness of that event....

losing a dear pet.....but there is no comparison between losing the pet, and

losing a beloved child.  As someone said....others cannot get it unless they've

walked in our shoes.  Your words are uplifting when you said "life is good".

There is still joy in life.....not the way it used to be, but still things to make us smile.

 

Shannon----Thank you for the lovely pics of Trista's garden....it's so nice.  Love

what you call 'garden therapy'.  So much peace can be found in the gardens of

life....our own child's garden, or other gardens.  My husband & I spend a lot of

time in our vegetable garden among all the plants. Our garden for Davey and Lisa

is left to be a 'natural' garden, inspired by one that we saw once on a trip to Virginia.

Perennials and some annuals, and many volunteer plants and flowering weeds all

together.  There's a nest of rabbits under the large peony bushes.  Young ones

pop out now & then for a little snack of lettuce. Trista's garden is a labor of love for you.

 

Laurie---Coming here to BI is definitely the place for understanding because so many

people who are on the same journey can offer words of encouragement & friendship.

Over the years I've been on this board, there have been many people that have come & gone.

I still think of many of those who helped me on my way on this road, and am grateful for

their help. Everyone who is on this site recently and new to BI, also offer words that

keep helping..no matter how short a time they've been here.  I guess that we

will always need the helping hand and the kind word, and BI is where we can always

find it.  Peace to you.

 

WISHING    PEACE  AND  COMFORT  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry  

 

   

[Sailormom]

Trista's garden is beautiful

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, sending prayers and love to your niece for a successful surgery. What a brave and plucky person she is! God grant her a good recovery. 

 

Sherry, I do know that losing my sweetie can in no way compare with Jeff. But we were a team. All four of us! Like the Muskeeters. We helped each other in our day to day life issues. We talked, loved, shared. We enjoyed each others company.  We learned that just having each other was all that counted. That was enough. Now it has changed. They are gone. I have had to learn to live without their love and support. Loving them was a gift. They made it easy. The hole or gap left in my heart is immense. Each day takes a huge effort to continue. I look to nature and all that it can surround me with to provide a distraction...for in actuality...nothing can take away the terrible sense of emptiness that their deaths have left. Yes, life is good. So very good. And I want to be happy again and enjoy it. The days are getting better...but the loss is and always will be my biggest regret. Something I could not control. My faith sustains me. But oh, what I would give to be with them again.

[Guest]

.

[ericasmom]

My niece Laura finally out of surgery after nearly 14 hours. Thank you God and Erica and All of you for your prayers and good energy. My goodness, pins and needles kind of day. The doctor came out and told my sister Mary Anne that Laura was awake and thanked the doctors. The xrays showed extreme differences from before and after and once Laura is able to move and heal she will be in better shape as far as posture and feeling good goes. God Bless my niece for this brave choice to have this surgery now. By all accounts she should have had this at age 17 to gain the most from it, but to do this now is both going to help her now and be preventative for the years to come. Again thank you all.

[ericasmom]

She is plucky Kate, a good descriptive for Laura.

 

Lora, I must have missed that post indeed. Well when it does happen,you will be all ready. Good good luck. Prayers are being said for your Brother Lora. May he come through with flying colors.

[Susannah]

Hello,

I want to choose my words carefully, something I rarely do.  I woke at 2:30 this morning feeling something I haven't felt for a very long time...peace and joy.  I must admit, I'm filled with some trepidation as I type this necessary note.  As I sat here, sipping my coffee, contemplating how blessed I truly am, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I understood.  I'm ashamed that it has taken me this long.

 

I joined this grief support site when it was called Beyond Indigo, after the death of my daughter, Stephanie, in 2009.  Like most, I was overcome with sorrow.  I found support, here.  Unfortunately, however, I was angry.  Anger is a normal reaction, for sure.  Perhaps the way I directed my anger was also normal, but it was inappropriate. 

 

It is good that this group's name was changed to Grieving.com; it enabled others to find us more easily.  But, I had surrounded myself with a cozy cocoon and was not ready to let others in.  I'm an adult, just not a very mature one.  I lashed out.

 

I lashed out at two people in particular, one worse than the other.  I don't know if you're still here, Heydaddy, but I wish to apologize.  I accused you of being a fraud because you didn't use your real name.  I took every post you wrote personally....forgive, trust God, find something to be grateful for.  With each word of encouragement you tried to offer my anger grew.  I called you a coward and a hypocrite.  I was cruel. 

 

Another came to your rescue and told me to knock it off.  Angrier still, I took my toys and went home, as bullies do.  Not realizing that I had been so hostile towards you, I allowed myself to play the part of the victim.  Per my request, all my posts and precious pictures of my daughter were deleted.  There is no sign that I was even here.  "That'll show 'em!".

Sick and tired of being angry....tired of not trusting happiness....about a week ago I began begging God to remove my anger.  This morning I woke with a gentle peace surrounding me. 

 

I've joined other grief groups.  One of them is led by a man who lost his wife and two children.  Whether Heydaddy is him or not, I don't know, but, this morning the thought came to me, "what if it is him?". Of course you would need to use a different name.  In reality, the reason behind it is none of my business.  I attacked a parent in grief who was trying to walk through his own nightmare by reaching out for support and offering support.

I am not proud of myself and I want apologize to you.  Since I know of no other way to contact you, I have chosen to do it on the same forum where I attacked you.  I have no other words than those.  I sincerely apologize for the way I treated you.

Respectfully,

 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Kalikama]

Susannah--That was a very brave and amazing post.  So many people find it hard to SINCERELY apologize (I'm not sure why) and take responsibility for hurting another person's feelings.  I am so impressed that you did this.  I'm a newbie to this group, but not to losing a child.  Oldest died 15 years ago (heart defect), youngest died less than 4 months ago.  This group has been a great outlet for me and your apology made me realize that if people do express anger to another person in the group, it is part of the grief.  I hope he is still on here and sees it.

[Kalikama]

Shannon--Trista's garden is beautiful!  That is a lot of love put into it.  The sunflowers are HUGE!! I'm in Michigan and none of the sunflowers, here, are near that height.

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Susannah.....I am on the 2nd year of my grief journey....my Beloved..Beautiful..Boy...John David passed away on August 3, 2012.....so I do have another Angelversary coming up.....

    and I have every emotion known to this earth home passing through me each day...like a movie playing over and over...

 

we all have the God Given emotions...anger..dislike...arrogance..pride...love..hate....

if those emotions are used in the 'right' place...they will either bring two lessons...

....how to use them.....or how to lose them....

 

I think 'anger' is good....if used for the right reasons...it can be a catalyst....and can burn away what is not necessary...or no longer usable...

 

Each of us that has lost a child...has had anger to be their best friend...walk and talk and sleep with it....

that is ok....my Grama told me once that 'God/Mother/Father of the Universe' can handle our anger....

 

it is when anger can cause us to do harm to others or to ourselves....is when it is so destructive...

 

I find that people that 'lash out to others' are feeling very powerless...they have 'no choice'....they have 'no vote'....they have no power in their situation and circumstances...sorta like a trapped animal...

 

And every parent that has lost a child .....feels the extreme of powerlessness....we had 'no choice'...we had 'no power' to protect our child.....

 

with that said.....you are the one that learned what that kind of anger was doing to you....and you did not want to feel that way anymore....you asked that it be taken from you...and it was..you have asked for forgiveness....and it is yours....

 

sometimes....I find it is easier for me to forgive others....than for me to forgive myself....but I have learned in many hard lessons how to do it....

 

Somerset Maugham had a quote that I will say to myself each and every day....(it was my Grama's favorite quote, too)...

  "There is nothing as dead..as the day before yesterday".....

 

You are becoming your Best Friend...and you just did something that will touch many hearts when they read it...

[hoosiermom]

Susannah, I remember you and Stephanie   I have often wondered how you are doing so I'm glad to see you here.  How's your grand babies?  I bet they are growing so big!

 

This year is a milestone for us both....it was 5 years earlier this month for me and I know that your 5 year is coming up in August.  How are you handling it?   Please come back and let us know how you've been, if you feel up to it. 

 

Love and light,

 

Jenn, Brianna's momma

 

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susannah,

Your post truly touched my heart as well. It was very brave and honest and by posting it you reached into my heart and touched a place I know well. I'm sure most of us, if not all, know that red hot anger. It's such a part of grief and as Susan said, has it's place and time and can be a catalyst to help us move eventually into a softer place. I'm only just taking my first very shaky steps into my second year since my Trista left. I found this place just a few weeks after I lost her on June 1, 2013. This past year I've been to such dark places, places I never could have imagined before. I've never known anger, pain, or despair like I do now. Thank you for sharing what you did. I hope your message reaches the intended person but no matter what, it did not fall on deaf ears.

[Mermaid Tears]

Last week Daniel had a birthday....and John David called to wish him a Happy Birthday two years ago....and that was the 'last' real conversation I had with him....we talked of those every..every day things...what he had been doing...and going...looking forward to the fishing trip he and Daniel had planned for September...the dove hunting coming up...family...and that he was going to call Aunt Mona..(my Mom's sister) to see if she could help him in his quest to find the perfect pimento cheese recipe like my Mom made...

  he told me about being 'real sick' off and on...that he needed to make an appointment to see the Dr.....

 

Of course...'WHY' didn't I push and shove and insist ? I am haunted if he had gone that day...?

    But....those are the things I think at 2 or 3 in the morning...'when all the boogie men come out of the closet'...

 

and I would be a masochist..if I wanted to torture my torture...

 

I cannot do that....for we all know...we simply do not have the power...

we have 20/20 hindsight...we simply have super human love for our child.

 

Daniel wanted to go to a play at The Grand in Galveston called..."Is There Life After Lubbock?"

starring Jaston Williams...(Tuna, Texas fame)...Joe Ely, Kimmie Rhodes

it was very entertaining...

we stayed with Jesse and Heather and family in League City...(most hotels have a 2 night minimum and we only wanted to be gone Saturday night)...

but...that gave me the divine gift of being with our 'new little man' Wyatt John....

    they had a super fun family get together on Sunday...with family and friends...celebrating Daniel and Ray's birthdays..(Ray is Heather's Dad)....

 

knowing where I would be the following Sunday...August 3rd..and where my spirit and soul would be..

  I savored and soaked up every step with him...every little finger wrapped around mine...every laugh and giggle...the soft cheek......we did the 'hokey pokey'....we went for a long walk with his 'lawnmower' and saw men uppacking a dryer...I asked for the big box....and I drug it back to the house....and we had a super play house...he and I played in it for a long time..til the other kids arrived....it was a big hit with them....

 

I am keeping a low profile this year for the Angelversary....I treated the family to a trip to Port 'A' at the end of June...because of football practice starting and college plans all taking place at the first of August...

  Daniel and I..Randa, Tay, Pibby and Austin will be in Port Aransas.....we will take a boat ride to the Lydia Ann Lighthouse...that is where we scattered and blessed his ashes...but I will be fine with 'just the 6 of us'....

  to tell the truth....I was just too exhausted in mind and spirit to plan something big....

this second year has had as many low valleys as the first....

I felt my 'energy' coming back about a month ago....it is about at 80%.....and it feels good to be able to 'move around' ...

   Grief is such a heavy physical entity....I see first hand what grief can do to a physical body...and mental stability....

I see the enormous impact that 'self care' can do to help sustain us on the grief journey...

    I don't know 'what' kick started my energy....but I am glad to have it back...not where I was ...but better....

as I have said before....'I miss Me....I miss the person I was...and I am still learning the 'new normal Susan'...

but all of us are....the ongoing journey....

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....so happy that you got a good report after that 'marathon surgery'....what a brave girl to face that mountain...praying her recovery will be a positive , too..

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, what an amazing and brave young woman she is. Something tells me that good days are ahead for her. I am certainly wishing her a speedy recovery.

 

Susan, I know that year two is very difficult. I think that you have held together extremely well under these circumstances. I also know that this quite time spent alone with family to honor and remember your dear John David this weekend is what your soul craves. I will be thinking of you!

 

Susannah, I am very glad to see that you are starting to feel somewhat better after a really difficult period. Your anger was what many experience when suffering such a loss. The most important thing at this time is that you have given up on holding grievances and opened yourself up to healing. That was then... and this is now...tell me how are the kids doing? I'm sure they are growing like crazy.

 

Lora, I am so sorry to see that things did not go quite as planned for your parents. And I will definitely be thinking of your brother as he goes through surgery. Make sure you take care of yourself as well!

 

Jenn, it will be five years for us as well in December. Ross and I were just remarking the other day that we can't believe how much time has passed. In many ways it seems like only a couple of years. Certainly not five! This for me has been a good lesson to push myself forward as life is short indeed.

 

Shannon, let us know how you are managing this week. How is your husband doing?

 

Well, speaking of milestones, I went into the city this morning and had lunch with my sister! We met at the park and ate at a casual, but very nice restaurant. Talk about burying the hatchet. Life is far to short to walk around stressing myself to death. We then walked through the English Garden and thoroughly enjoyed our outing. Never say never!

 

 

[Jeff's Mom]

A few pictures of The English Garden. I find that walking through gardens is a huge stress reliever for me. Balm for a weary soul.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you Kate....I never thought of that 'direction'....of my instinct to do what my soul needs....and now that I think of it...it is true....I need to get far from the maddening crowd....and just be....Randa, Austin, Tay and Pibby are my 'soul mates' of a daughter and GRANDchildren....we blend and lean in with each other....

  me and my GRANDchildren are mermaids...we are always at home at the beach...

 

one day I will tell the story about that...

 

The 'get together' and lunch were brought about because you are the bigger person...

as Dr. Phil once said...'someone has to be the hero in the room'....

 

our grief journey teaches us many life lessons...besides learning to walk this hard path...

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...thanks for sharing....what a beautiful place you are blessed to live at....looks like a Rosamund Pilcher novel...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Kate, thank you for sharing the lovely english garden photos. I do love them and their quaintness...perhaps one day I will start a garden again...

 

Shannon, continued prayers for your husband....

 

Jenn, thank you for coming back and sharing with us. As hard as this is I appreciate those who come back and share their perspective later on...it at least gives me some idea what to expect perhaps...

 

Susannah, I can only agree with what others already said and those thoughts resonate with me as well...

 

I am short on time but wanted to wish everyone a peaceful evening...sending prayers for all...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

To everyone, thank you for your sweet comments about my Garden for Trista.

For everyone who asked about my husband, he seems to be recovering but we will know more after seeing the neurologist on Thursday.

Kate,

Thank you for sharing those beautiful pictures. Gardens do give me a sense of peace as well. I'm so glad you had that time with your sister.

Dee, glad to hear you got a good report on your niece. I will continue to send prayers for a fast recovery.

It's been a bit of a lazy day. I needed that. I played a lot with Aiden. We found a lot of really 'cool' rocks while working in Trista's Garden. Today Aiden and I decided to paint them. I got out my more expensive acrylic paints and went to get the brushes. By the time I came back Aiden had emptied most every tube and was in the process of mixing it all into a lovely shade of 'mud'. My first response was "Oh, Aiden!". He smiled and said, "Mommy, don't you love the rainbow I made?" How could I be mad? And I am the one who left a four year old alone with tubes of paint. I kind of asked for it. His rocks for Sissy's garden turned out beautiful. She would have appreciated the art. I remember one time not long ago, I had gotten some finger paints out for Aiden. Then I got a call I needed to take. I asked Sis to "paint with Aiden" until I got off the phone. When I came back Aiden was covered in paint. I said, "What happened? I asked you to paint with Aiden so he didn't make a mess." She just smiled and said, "Oh! Paint WITH Aiden! I heard 'paint Aiden'! She was too funny and had so much fun with our little man.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

I'm glad you had a such a nice weekend. It sounds like you really soaked up every moment with Wyatt John. I know for me sometimes just letting go and entering Aiden's magical world is so good for my heart and soul. I think you are right to follow your heart on what to do on John David's Angelversary. I think your heart and soul know what you need.

[karenthiemermann]

Hello, all. Hope everyone is well. The past 2 days have been extremely troublesome, but I know now that I've just been too demanding of myself. Every single thing I've been doing and feeling, for example: the non-acceptance; and the endless to-do list I'm trying to conquer; and the constant worrying that I'm doing something "wrong"; are all typical and "normal". The panic attack was not unusual and neither is anything I'm saying or doing. I've been way too hard on myself and today, I did nothing but sit in my chair all day. I removed all "deadlines" that I placed on myself and did nothing but think about Michelle. I was tense and exhausted and was beginning to feel sick.

 

The "memory cards" came in yesterday. I'll be working on getting those out tomorrow.

 

Michael got in touch with me and said he will be in town on Friday with his band. He'll be over on Saturday. I'm so glad. I think we both need to spend some time together.

 

Dee: How is your niece? She's in my prayers. She must be very brave to make that decision. 

 

My stability x-rays came back yesterday. I expected that they would show my spine to be unstable. But it's not the end of the world. There are still several conservative treatments out there that I can look into other than surgery. I'll have my 2nd. epidural next week. I have hope.

 

Achim is going to be on The Food Network again. The candy store he makes chocolate-dipped bacon for is being highlighted again and they asked him to come back and do a demo for the show. He'll be taping tomorrow. He's excited. I'm not sure when it airs, but it will be fun to see him on T.V. again.

 

Today, my "therapy" was no therapy at all. Not even baking bread could have worked. And I'm OK with that.

 

Wishing you all PEACE and LOVE.

 

Karen

 

 

[Susannah]

I am deeply touched and appreciative of the kind words offered to me.  Thank you!  I did not expect such a welcome.

 

Jenn, I am honored that you remembered me and my grandchildren.  I, too, remember you!  Yes, we both have that 5 year milestone this year.  It doesn't seem that long ago, really, and, yet, it feels like an eternity. 

Stephanie's children are thriving!  I will try to post a picture.  We surprised them with a trip to Orlando Florida in December 2013.  It was their 2nd ride on an airplane.  Their first was a trip to New Hampshire in 2012.  They got to meet Carol and her beloved, Ralph (Mike).  They also got to meet Karen.  We were able to take them to New York to visit Ground Zero.  We just missed Betty....my dear friend. 

 

We also went on a whale watching tour which was supposed to last four hours, but ended up lasting more than six.  We came across a baby humpback whale that had gotten separated from its' mother and didn't quite know how to swim.  It was literally drowning.  We stayed with the whale until the captain of our boat was sure the baby had caught on to rolling over to breath. 

 

Mariah turned 13 this year and is doing remarkably well in school.  She is a talented flute player and has been in advanced band for the last two years.  I love to hear her play.  However, she has expressed a desire to take a year off, and we have agreed to allow it.  She seems to be more interested in cooking and arguing these days.  I have no idea where she gets that from. 
 

Jasmine is 11 1/2.  She is our special needs child.  She is quite capable of learning, but requires special classes and a lot of repetition and a lot of patience.  She plays the clarinet and thoroughly enjoys it.  She took private voice lessons last year, which she thrived at, but singing in front of others, alone, caused her great anxiety.  Playing in a marching band seems to be her thing. 

 

Jonathon turns 10 next week.  He is such a sweet child!  All his test scores are higher than the national average.  We were surprised when we were told he had a special reading teacher, until we learned it was for above average kids.  We are so proud of them all, but his mind truly impresses me.  Last year he attended a science class at the college twice a week.  He will again this year, too.  They buddy up with college students and do fun projects and eat a lot of snacks.  He has a slight stuttering problem, for which he takes speech therapy. 

 

Just today the therapist for the girls told us she no longer needs to see them, unless something comes up...which, happens sometimes.  They seem to have been able to put their past behind them and are very healthy, normal, children.  Jasmine has ADHD for which she takes a very low dose of Strattera.  I didn't want to drug her, just help her slow down enough to focus.  She used to pace uncontrollably, now she is able to sit and read a book, or draw or play her clarinet.  

 

I seemed to have reached a place of peace in my grief journey.  Not acceptance.  I don't like that word.  But, just peace.  Laughter has found its way back into our home again.  We all still shed tears, and sometimes it still takes our breath away.  I finally was able to go through Stephanie's things a couple of years ago.  Much to our delight, we found that she had made a memory book for each of her children  AND  she had created a collage of pictures of all of them with her, with her little comments written on them.  It hangs in the hallway, where the kids see it every time they come out of their rooms. 

We've had a few instances with birds since she died.  The last being a wild bird flew into our house and went straight to Jasmine's room and wouldn't leave until Jasmine came home from school and saw it.  As soon as Jasmine saw it the bird just left.  It was a couple of days before Stephanie's birthday.  She said if she died, she would send birds...she has been true to her word.

 

My, I didn't mean to go on so long.  I love bragging about these kids!  They are such a delight in our lives.  We now have 15 grandchildren.  Every Friday I take care of our 4 yr old and 16 month old grandsons.  Next week - all week - we will add four more to the mix.  Gary's son's sons will be here...and my son's two children, also.  We have had children coming and going all summer.  The soon to be 16 month old is the boss of us all.  They all bring me joy, but that baby brings out the best in all of us.  I'm afraid he will be spoiled rotten by the time he starts school. 

 

Jenn, how are YOU?

Kate, you, too, asked about my grandchildren.  Thank you!  I love the pictures of the gardens. 

 

And to Trista's mom and Mermaid tears and Jesse David's mom and Kalikama....your kind words and warm welcome mean more to me than I can say.  For me, the second year was harder than the first.  Sometime between the 2nd and 3rd year, however, something began to turn around for me.  I guess I wasn't accepting that my daughter died as much as I was accepting that this was now my life.  God didn't heal my shattered heart, instead, he shines through the cracks. 

Much love to all of you!