The private grief world

[WithoutHer]

2 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

May I ask, what's causing your congestion and coughs? 

 

Acute sinusitis combined with COPD. No meds or any amount of flushing help the sinus. Have inhaler for the COPD and use it but don't really feel it helps.

[ImMomma]

On 2/3/2024 at 1:02 PM, JonathanFive said:

We're born from a mother and a father, we're socialized and educated to interact with our families, our communities other cultures.

I was not socialized.  I was unplanned and not wanted.  My job as a child was to be invisible.  My dad had MS & I was raised mostly in a big old VA hospital.  Hiding in waiting rooms, behind big potted plants whevever my mother couldn't sneak me onto the wards - where I was hidden at my father's bedside.   Any family we had stopped coming around when dad got sick.  Then mom & her mom were always sick too and I was in the way.  I knew all the best hiding places at every hospital in the town where I grew up.  I stayed invisible until I was a teenager and got my first job.   I never expected to get married.  I didnt go on my first date until I was 19 and my mom encouraged me to go. 

At 24 I met a child abuse survivor and we clicked.  He's 8 years older.  He has health problems.   We had no children and no family. No one to call or come by.   If i need to vent - here I am.  I have coworkers.  I say very little to them.  

I dont live in one world of private grief.   I exist in a huge, magical mansion with so many rooms they cant be counted.  Each room is different - they smell & feel different. They are empty or full. They are decorated differently.  Some rooms I like more than others.  I get lost in the mansion and often when I find my way back to a room where I found the best distraction, or maybe I found a smile - someone got there ahead of me and rearranged something. 

There was a TV movie some years back called Rose Red.  A haunted house movie where the house itself grew new rooms and expanded or contracted on its own.  Some people got lost - swallowed up by the house never to be seen again.   This private world of grief is my Rose Red.  I may hear voices in another room, but even if I could find the party - I have no idea how to act around others.  I have no social skills so I fall back to how I was raised.  Be invisible.  No one wants to hear me or see me unless I am doing something for them.  

My husband is still alive, but his health is very poor.  He has lived longer than the doctors thought. I am his caregiver and I feel I've been grieving for him a long time already.   I have had other losses - my parents & my crazy grandmother.   My siblings were gone  when I was in grade school.   I dont even know if they are alive.  I dont really care.  I am invisible.   

I feel like, because of the life I've had that I am better able than most to prepare for the grief ahead, but I also know that no matter what - its going to be a shock and devestating.  It always is.  I know I will find more rooms in my private mansion of grief - rooms I never dreamed could exist.  

Maybe I will find some of you there.  I wish I could hand you a candy bar or piece of fruit, or a word or a fishing pole or any device to bring you even an ounce of comfort - if only for a moment or two.  And make sure that you know there are endless other moments of comfort yet to be discovered.    

I am my husbands caretaker. I promised I would never put him in a nursing home.  I am younger and have always been in better health.   Jan 2 2024 I got a cancer diagnosis.  Now I am trying desperately to make sure he is in a safe and comfortable place - not a nursing home - where he can live independently on the money from the sale of the house and his meager social security.   I was NOT expecting this entire new suite of rooms in my grief mansion.   

I look out my windows and I see some of you.  You often pass close to each other and though you feel alone, you - we - often share and understand our griefs - like a massive & shifting venn diagram.  

 

[ImMomma]

2 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Acute sinusitis combined with COPD. No meds or any amount of flushing help the sinus. Have inhaler for the COPD and use it but don't really feel it helps.

You sound like me in a way.  I finally had sinus surgery - miserable recovery, but I was able to breathe again.  Has your doctor mentioned a surgical solution for your sinusitis?    I had the sinusitis & have COPD and use an inhaler, but it didn't impact my taster as much. 

Now Im going thru chemo and that has had more impact. All I can taste is sweet stuff.  I have actually gained weight on chemo. Most people fighting cancer lose weight.   

[WithoutHer]

11 minutes ago, ImMomma said:

You sound like me in a way.  I finally had sinus surgery - miserable recovery, but I was able to breathe again.  Has your doctor mentioned a surgical solution for your sinusitis?    I had the sinusitis & have COPD and use an inhaler, but it didn't impact my taster as much. 

Now Im going thru chemo and that has had more impact. All I can taste is sweet stuff.  I have actually gained weight on chemo. Most people fighting cancer lose weight.   

I actually don't have constant trouble breathing. It's constant drainage on and off. I tolerate the changes going from stuffy to wide open. Besides the surgery from what I read is hit or miss. Not willing to chance it because of infection risk. For the same reason I refuse to have drains placed in my ears to address Glue ear in both caused by the drainage. I've purchased several high gain Bluetooth hearing aids from Amazon which work wonders for hearing and talking on the phone or hearing videos.

[RichS]

4 hours ago, ImMomma said:

I look out my windows and I see some of you.  You often pass close to each other and though you feel alone, you - we - often share and understand our griefs

We on this board are one of the rooms in your mansion of grief where you will find comfort and encouragement. Please continue to post here.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, ImMomma said:

I look out my windows and I see some of you.  You often pass close to each other and though you feel alone, you - we - often share and understand our griefs - like a massive & shifting venn diagram.  

Wow, you said so much in your post, very eloquently put I might add...you didn't mention type of cancer.  It'd be hard to be a caregiver while going through cancer treatment.  Yet I hope you will and get help for yourselves, that is tough.  Sometimes we need help, this is one of those instances.

I am sorry you've been made to feel invisible all your life.  It makes me wonder your siblings' feelings, did they feel that way as well?  Just thinking aloud, no answer expected, you may not know.  

It's weird how so many of us carry these burdens...my parents were not normal by any means, my mom was horribly abusive, violent, had a terrible temper and took it out on us, especially me.  I was the middle child, the youngest when the first batch were growing up, the oldest when the second batch was...not close in age to any of them.  My dad was alcoholic and let my mom do what she would with us.  I remember her beating and kicking me not two feet from him and he just read his paper and had another sip of beer.  Not like he couldn't hear what was going on!

Yes, you are grieving already, anticipatory grief.  My heart goes out to you and you're in my thoughts...

[RichS]

I often think about my upbringing and how certain experiences carried over into my adult life. My parents were always arguing (a couple of times it got violent). My Dad was always threatening to sell the house after an argument. That doesn't exactly make a child feel secure while growing up.  Looking back, I wished they had divorced, but back then it scared me.

The one good thing that came out of it was that I was determined not to repeat the same mistakes when I got married. Chris also had different issues with her father. We both wanted and got better marriages than our parents; but the experiences we had to go through growing up left us with some emotional scars in our memories.

[KayC]

Me too, Rich, and I can honestly say all of us kids broke the chain of abuse that we suffered.  I am proud of how I raised my kids and they turned out well.  I took a parenting class because I knew what NOT to do but didn't know what TO do.  It helped tremendously, I wish my kids' dad would have also.

[Boggled]

On 5/21/2024 at 8:55 PM, WithoutHer said:

Not stepping over the line. But 1st thing I've had my share of finely minced food and really can't stand it. It's just an awful texture. I completely lost my taste to chemo years ago. Food was nothing but texture then. Hamburger was like eating sawdust. Now theses days with my congestion and a past mild bought of covid my taste comes and goes from little, but not like the chemo days, to like this past week I've actually been able to tell the difference between vanilla and strawberry with my Boost high calorie drinks. Being diabetic they are the worst things I could be consuming but they get me the calories I need and my insulin helps with the BS levels. I do force a soup or frozen dinner each day whether I like it or not.

WithoutHer, just a thought, cheesecake?  has a lot of calories I THINK, and for years I've been making a kind of gelatin-no-bake cheesecake that has a fantastic smooth texture.  Looking briefly online, there are keto recipes for that same kind of cheesecake, (but use whatever sweetener you like!  to taste!) (and really, whatever kind of crust you want, or just skip the crust) such as:  

Quick Keto Cheesecake No Bake Recipe - Low Carb Yum

I used to melt a little coconut oil with cocoa, briefly, in the microwave,  with pure stevia powder (my sweetener of choice) (or whatever flavoring or sweetener you like) and dribble it on top for decoration ... and more fat.   When it hardens in the fridge, though, you have to break through it.  But the TEXTURE of the cheesecake itself is super smooth and creamy.

[KayC]

Yes, I love this recipe, I have hundreds and share them in my group everyday.

[HisMunchkin]

On 5/22/2024 at 1:02 PM, WithoutHer said:

Acute sinusitis combined with COPD. No meds or any amount of flushing help the sinus. Have inhaler for the COPD and use it but don't really feel it helps.

☹️  Do they know what caused it? 

I went googling.  Seems like, in addition to medication, there's something called pulmonary rehabilitation.  Various exercises that have been show to help.  https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10381859/ 

They also mentioned breathing exercises, which might be easier to start with:

breathing exercises such as diaphragmatic breathing and pursed-lips breathing might be considered for those patients who are unable to exercise, possibly enhancing pulmonary function, exercise endurance, dyspnea, quality of life, and respiratory muscle strength of COPD patients [52]. A systematic review suggested breathing exercises are an effective tool to improve inspiratory muscle strength and 6MWT results in COPD patients [53]. A randomized controlled trial showed that the pursed-lips breathing exercise, inhaler training enhanced breathing exercise, and inhaler usage skills reduce the negative effects of COPD, alleviate the severity of dyspnea, and improve the quality of life of COPD patients [54]. Moreover, the active cycle of breathing techniques was found to effectively improve the sputum production and cough efficiency in COPD patients [55]. More research and quantitative analyses are needed to confirm the effectiveness of breath exercises on different aspects of COPD patients.

The article also mentions nutritional support, self-management education, psycho social support, etc.

There's aslo a COPD board.  Not sure if it would be any help.  At least you can talk to other people with the same condition.  https://copd.net/forums 

Anyway, I know that grief is a ton of weight in itself, and it probably makes people much less motivated to take care of one's own health.  I do hope that you'll be able to find the strength and motivation to focus on your own well being a bit more.  Sometimes, what helps is not so much the end results, but in the process of trying itself.  Your poor health might also be what's contributing to your depression.  Who would take care of all your pets if anything happened to you?.....  That's mostly what's kept me going actually - my dog.  I wish there was more that I can do for you to help you suffer even a little bit less.  And again, I'm so sorry that you've had to face such difficult health challenges on top of your grief.  Wishing you hope. 💝

 

On 5/22/2024 at 2:31 PM, ImMomma said:

I am my husbands caretaker. I promised I would never put him in a nursing home.  I am younger and have always been in better health.   Jan 2 2024 I got a cancer diagnosis. 

I'm so sorry. ☹️

[KayC]

I got rid of my COPD (diagnosed two months before George died when I got winded going up the driveway) after going on Keto.  Got rid of all of my breathalyzers a couple of years ago.

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

I went googling.  Seems like, in addition to medication, there's something called pulmonary rehabilitation. 

Truthfully the chronic sinus issue are more of a problem than the COPD. These problems go way back to my childhood days. Over the years my body just developed tolerance for all drugs thrown at it. It's to the point that I've grown tolerant to every antibiotic out there as well. So I have to be very careful about getting infections. Cause? After so many years? No one knows.

[HisMunchkin]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I got rid of my COPD (diagnosed two months before George died when I got winded going up the driveway) after going on Keto.  Got rid of all of my breathalyzers a couple of years ago.

Wow!  How does the Keto diet work in getting rid of COPD? 

 

2 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

These problems go way back to my childhood days.

Wow!  For that long, huh.  ☹️  Does your doctor know what's causing the sinus congestion?  Is it seasonal?  Do you have allergies? 

[WithoutHer]

52 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Does your doctor know what's causing the sinus congestion?  Is it seasonal?  Do you have allergies? 

Like I said after all these years no one knows. No it's not seasonal it's 24/7 365. It may or may not be allergies. It has already every treatment for them thrown at it short of surgery which isn't going to happen.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

How does the Keto diet work in getting rid of COPD? 

By bringing your health in order. Watch Dr. Berg, Ben Bikman, Paul Mason, so many others...

[HisMunchkin]

15 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Like I said after all these years no one knows. No it's not seasonal it's 24/7 365. It may or may not be allergies. It has already every treatment for them thrown at it short of surgery which isn't going to happen.

So it's a symptom of COPD?  I went googling again.  "How to manage mucus" : https://www.saintlukeskc.org/health-library/copd-coping-mucus#

Seems like dairy products can increase mucus, according to that article.   And here are some things that might exacerbate the symtoms: https://www.webmd.com/lung/copd/features/household-hazards-for-people-with-copd

Maybe it would be a good idea to vacuum more often after all. 

[WithoutHer]

2 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

So it's a symptom of COPD?  I went googling again.  "How to manage mucus" : https://www.saintlukeskc.org/health-library/copd-coping-mucus#

Seems like dairy products can increase mucus, according to that article.   And here are some things that might exacerbate the symtoms: https://www.webmd.com/lung/copd/features/household-hazards-for-people-with-copd

Maybe it would be a good idea to vacuum more often after all. 

It's the other way around. The COPD has developed as a result of the sinus issues. The constant drainage over the years has every thing irritated. The COPD developed recently in just the last few years. Years of smoking didn't do my sinuses or lungs much help either. Put them down after my stroke. Haven't smoked much in over a year. What surprises me is the cough never improved much after putting the smokes down. It got worse for a month or so, which they say happens, but settled back to previous levels. The coughing is definitely a result of the drainage which I had even before I started smoking. I didn't even start as a teenager as most. Not until my mid 20s. Not even sure why I started. I use to give my parents crap for smoking. Do we ever truly understand ourselves?

[HisMunchkin]

21 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

It's the other way around. The COPD has developed as a result of the sinus issues. The constant drainage over the years has every thing irritated. The COPD developed recently in just the last few years. Years of smoking didn't do my sinuses or lungs much help either. Put them down after my stroke. Haven't smoked much in over a year. What surprises me is the cough never improved much after putting the smokes down. It got worse for a month or so, which they say happens, but settled back to previous levels. The coughing is definitely a result of the drainage which I had even before I started smoking. I didn't even start as a teenager as most. Not until my mid 20s. Not even sure why I started. I use to give my parents crap for smoking. Do we ever truly understand ourselves?

Oh I see.  Were you exposed to a lot of second hand smoke as a kid?  That might have done some damage.  Then you smoking yourself might have caused further damage.  I smoked for about 15 years - started the nasty habit in my teens, but then quit almost 20 years ago.

Do you have nasal polyps?  There's a new treatment that can shrink them, it seems: https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/chronic-sinusitis-more-than-a-stuffy-nose

Treatment typically starts as conservative as possible. If medical treatments have been tried and your condition hasn't responded, a CT scan of your sinuses may be ordered to get a better look at the sinus anatomy. If allergies are contributing to your symptoms, then allergy shots, or immunotherapy, may improve your condition. If you have nasal polyps, which are growths in your nose and sinuses, then you may be a candidate for new medications called biologic agents that are given as a regular injection and can help shrink nasal polyps and improve your nasal congestion.

[KayC]

When I was growing up there were five smokers in the house, I hated it, I vowed not to smoke when I was grown and I don't!

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Oh I see.  Were you exposed to a lot of second hand smoke as a kid?  That might have done some damage.  Then you smoking yourself might have caused further damage.  I smoked for about 15 years - started the nasty habit in my teens, but then quit almost 20 years ago.

Do you have nasal polyps?  There's a new treatment that can shrink them, it seems: https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/chronic-sinusitis-more-than-a-stuffy-nose

Treatment typically starts as conservative as possible. If medical treatments have been tried and your condition hasn't responded, a CT scan of your sinuses may be ordered to get a better look at the sinus anatomy. If allergies are contributing to your symptoms, then allergy shots, or immunotherapy, may improve your condition. If you have nasal polyps, which are growths in your nose and sinuses, then you may be a candidate for new medications called biologic agents that are given as a regular injection and can help shrink nasal polyps and improve your nasal congestion.

No polyps. Of course I was exposed to second hand smoke being around smokers and my own smoke. I've been down the road of all possibilities during my years. The damage is done whatever the cause which I suspect is multiple things. I've surrendered to it. There's nothing more to do except use some Afrin if my sinus close for any length of time. Sinus sprays are a conundrum however. They rebound and close the sinuses up after opening them. That was a fight when I had problems in my younger days. Real Sudafed helped in those days. Now it does nothing. I appreciate all the thought on this but I'm a lost cause for solutions. I won't be doing any kind of surgery for this. Too prone to infection.

[KayC]

I could never use Afrin, burned my nose. I use Nasacort.

[WithoutHer]

8 minutes ago, KayC said:

I could never use Afrin, burned my nose. I use Nasacort.

I had forgotten about Nasacort. I think because it takes so long to work. However I might give it another go. I don't get any burning sensation from Afrin probably because the nerves in my sinuses are shot 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Last few days, a recurring thought has been making its way to the forefront of my mind, where I ask Veronica “What am I doing without you?”  I tell her I don’t know what I am doing without her here and it just sucks.  I tell her I wish she was still with me but definitely not if she was going to be in pain and not in good health and suffering.  Again, i tell her I am so sorry for not being able to take care of her anymore.   I just miss her so much.  This grief is coloring everything around me, shading everything in the world darker, and quieter.  These feelings just seemed to come up quietly, out of the blue, or maybe I am just really paying attention to them now. 

Tomorrow, when I go visit Veronica, it will be the first time I have the experience of being at a military cemetery for the Memorial Day weekend.  Not sure what to anticipate aside from there might be a crowd, as one might expect.

[KayC]

I got a throat/tongue condition years ago and checked into whether Nasacort could have brought it on, never did figure out what did, but I had it for years and it finally dispelled, during pandemic you couldn't get in to see specialists but I finally did, ruled out allergy, throat cleared up, still on tongue a bit but mostly disappeared.  I remember checking with the USDA about Nasacort, it was hard to get a hold of them, but finally did, so I feel okay about using it.

[RichS]

3 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

“What am I doing without you?”  I tell her I don’t know what I am doing without her here and it just sucks.  I tell her I wish she was still with me but definitely not if she was going to be in pain and not in good health and suffering. This grief is coloring everything around me, shading everything in the world darker, and quieter.  These feelings just seemed to come up quietly, out of the blue, or maybe I am just really paying attention to them now. 

Rey, I have similar feelings as well. Other than caring for my son, I've lost a purpose in life. Maybe a new purpose will come in the future. These days I feel alone, BUT NOT lonely; if that makes any sense. Also, maybe this is the time of my life where my other purpose is taking care of myself. Lately, more health issues have been creeping up with me; and maybe that's where I need to devote more of my time to, for now.

[KayC]

Take care of yourself, Rich.  Grief has a way of exaserbating health issues.

[HisMunchkin]

7 hours ago, RichS said:

These days I feel alone, BUT NOT lonely; if that makes any sense.

These days I feel both alone and lonely.  Even with people I feel lonely. 

 

7 hours ago, RichS said:

Also, maybe this is the time of my life where my other purpose is taking care of myself. Lately, more health issues have been creeping up with me; and maybe that's where I need to devote more of my time to, for now.

That's a good idea!   

[Sparky1]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Take care of yourself, Rich.  Grief has a way of exaserbating health issues.

I've noticed that too after my wife passed away. One thing after another, it wasn't like this when she was still here. And more health issues give more worrying which doesn't help either.

[DWS]

On 5/26/2024 at 3:58 AM, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

This grief is coloring everything around me, shading everything in the world darker, and quieter.  These feelings just seemed to come up quietly, out of the blue, or maybe I am just really paying attention to them now. 

This is how things feel for me and it's particularly stronger with the warmer temperatures as another summer approaches. I've sized it up by saying that nothing feels right anymore and everything feels wrong.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've had to contend with making cautionary measures to protect my business bank account after someone hacked into my Paypal account of all things! Thankfully, I haven't lost any money but the entire situation has had me on the phone a lot. I've also had to make three trips downtown to make visits at my bank. I took this as an opportunity to do some walking so each time I went, I parked several blocks away. It was a healthy choice but those walks have felt like the loneliest journeys. I have had to make my way through the large central park in the core of my city...a place where Tom and I had walked through numerous times. With the nice weather, I've passed by many couples at leisure sitting at picnic tables or on the grass. It's still so painful to not have him by my side and in this particular situation of a threat to my finances, I've never felt more alone.

An annoyance like this in life has had its way of bringing me out of my comfortable shell and I'm coping with it the best that I can but it seems that nothing feels right anymore. There's no one who cares about my every moment of life anymore. 

[ImMomma]

On 5/23/2024 at 7:37 AM, RichS said:

The one good thing that came out of it was that I was determined not to repeat the same mistakes when I got married.

That is great.  I know both my husband & I came out if our abusive/neglectful childhoods also not wanting to repeat the behaviors that hurt us.   We each went about it differently.  Both of us determined the best way to avoid becoming our parents was to not become parents at all.  I also thought I would never marry.  

I was convinced no one would ever want to marry me, so when someone did, I said yes.  Partly because I was crazy in love with him, but also it was a way to get away from my mother.  

We both vowed to NOT have children.  It never crossed our minds that we could be parents AND not repeat their actions.   

I applaud you & KayC and all those who broke the cycles.  I can only imagine how painful and traumatic the struggle is/was at times. And its not a fight you win once & done.  Its every day.   Many fail and the cycle continues.   

[KayC]

5 hours ago, DWS said:

someone hacked into my Paypal account

Oh no!  I've never heard of anyone getting in there!  How horrible for you!  All the steps you have to take to correct it, very hard.  I got a notice from Chsdde Credit Journey that my passwords were on the dark web so spent three days and nights changing them all, but some wouldn't let me in because too old, deactivated, won't worry about those.  Then I got a notice saying my soc. sec. # is on the dark web!  Likely from a health insurance hack or something, everything's been hacked into by now, even the DMV here!  So I froze all three credit reporting agencies, one wouldn't let me in, when I tried to start a new account they said someone with that name already has one, yeah, ME!!!  After filling out the same redundant info over and over and over again (and again!) they let me in so I could freeze it too.

Isn't it a fun world we live in!  I understand more and more why my sister wouldn't have a computer or cellphone, but it meant her world was her little dead end road.  And snail mail she paid a "caregiver" $20 to bring it to her, something I put a screeching halt to!  And the woman was within walking distance!  I finally got the doctor to send a request to the post office to HAVE THE DAMN THING PUT IN FRONT OF HER HOUSE!!!  I got her a mailbox and a neighbor installed it for her.  Then she died.

[DWS]

59 minutes ago, KayC said:

Oh no!  I've never heard of anyone getting in there!  How horrible for you!  All the steps you have to take to correct it, very hard. 

Thanks, Kay, for acknowledging how weird that is because no one in my immediate world understands what I've been dealing with. I always thought of Paypal as being the most secure site on this planet so it's been very alarming that this happened. I was fortunate that I don't keep a balance in there as I have no need to. I've just relied on it to make secure credit card purchases. I have laughed a bit at how disappointed the creep must have been once he got into my account only to find no money.  But what they did do is put in two requests to transfer funds from my business bank account to my Paypal account.  I'm assuming they were going to grab the money once it got there. There's so much more to this story (the plight of getting through to a live person at Paypal,  the back and forth with them and the bank, etc). Thankfully at this point, it's all been taken care of. The hacker's account has been deleted. On the advice of my bank, I ended up closing that bank account and opening a new one. Now I have a new number to remember. Very distressing situation to go through! My partner Tom, being an accountant, would have fully understood my stress!!!

[KayC]

And I do too after all I've been through.  I'm so sorry you're going through all this.  

[HisMunchkin]

5 hours ago, DWS said:

An annoyance like this in life has had its way of bringing me out of my comfortable shell and I'm coping with it the best that I can but it seems that nothing feels right anymore. There's no one who cares about my every moment of life anymore. 

I know exactly what you mean!  You are not alone in having moments like that and feeling that way.  *big hugs* and wishing you strength and courage to carry on. 💝

[Roxeanne]

On 5/26/2024 at 8:18 PM, HisMunchkin said:

These days I feel both alone and lonely.  Even with people I feel lonely. 

It's a common feeling i think for us...i can't find a way out! I keep feeling lonely with friends, family, hundreds of strangers...even when i am in good vibes! That underlying feeling of having been abandoned...someone overcome it ?

[JonathanFive]

At this point I find myself donating to charity and being of service.  I simply don't know what else to do.  Yesterday I took part in a BBq for homeless people.

It was less lonely yesterday.

 

Today sucks...   this is terrible grief today

[Gail 8588]

4 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

That underlying feeling of having been abandoned...someone overcome it ?

For me, the feeling has changed, become less overwhelming, but has not really gone away in 7 plus years. 

Tonight, after a lovely holiday weekend, I am home alone. My older son is with his sweet wife, and they seem happily in love. My younger son is with his children.  I so wish that I could be sitting on this couch with my sweetie talking  about what a lovely time we had. Just vegging out (as in couch potato) resting from the weekends activities, together.  I do still miss just being with him.  I think I always will.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

10 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

I keep feeling lonely with friends, family, hundreds of strangers...even when i am in good vibes!

I get that.  Even in the midst of company, I am sad and missing Veronica, who should be there with me, with us, having a good time.  Even yesterday with our son and DIL and good friends, it was hard to overcome that feeling of being alone without my bride.

[KayC]

Yes, and I miss that feeling of being in his arms...when there I always had that "all is right with the world" feeling.

[Cath61]

9 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I do still miss just being with him.  I think I always will.

I'm 4 months in and feel it will never get better - missing my person - kids are amazing (one lives close than other 2) - but just not the same - was sudden and still cannot believe it.  34 years of being with "your person" does not fade quickly. Many of these post give me hope that it will get easier though.  Happy to have found this group!

[KayC]

We grow accustomed to it and learn to carry it.

I saw this today, it made me think of this place, just doing today...that's enough.

[DWS]

15 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

That underlying feeling of having been abandoned...someone overcome it ?

That really says it all right there. I never quite thought of it in those terms but it really does feel like abandonment at times...a lost and bewildered state even though it's more than two years later in my case. And I've had this need at times when I've gone some place where the people there don't know me...the bank, a paint store, hardware store, the park, etc...where I've wanted to cry out to them that you see me alone now but I once had someone beside me. I mattered to someone. 

[Boggled]

well you matter on here, DWS.  I've found a lot of your posts to be quite helpful.  

[DWS]

@BoggledThanks for saying that. I've certainly found much comfort in your thought explorations throughout this time. The unity of everyone's broken hearts here continues to be the help that I need. 

[P777]

On 5/26/2024 at 12:06 PM, RichS said:

Rey, I have similar feelings as well. Other than caring for my son, I've lost a purpose in life. Maybe a new purpose will come in the future. These days I feel alone, BUT NOT lonely; if that makes any sense. Also, maybe this is the time of my life where my other purpose is taking care of myself. Lately, more health issues have been creeping up with me; and maybe that's where I need to devote more of my time to, for now.

Just want to echo what Rich

 

On 5/26/2024 at 12:06 PM, RichS said:

Rey, I have similar feelings as well. Other than caring for my son, I've lost a purpose in life. Maybe a new purpose will come in the future. These days I feel alone, BUT NOT lonely; if that makes any sense. Also, maybe this is the time of my life where my other purpose is taking care of myself. Lately, more health issues have been creeping up with me; and maybe that's where I need to devote more of my time to, for now.

Same here Rey, just want to echo what Rich is saying. I have a Son to look after too, and other than this, which is obviously very important, I just feel many days that I just exist, and not live. Before my Wife passed, I would be thinking of what's happening next week, next month, even next year. Now, I am kindof happy to make it through the day, without crying, or getting distraught. I'm trying to make sure that I am keeping healthy, so basically I can live as many years as possible for my Son, but then again I'm not sleeping well, so this is a concern. I'm sure it won't last, well every night. But, I know the importance of a good night's rest, as do we all.  Many times, I have said to my Wife that I am sorry I couldn't save her (she passed away unexpectedly one evening, still don't know the cause), when I did CPR, and couldn't save her. I blame myself, when I know that it was just her time plus a crash team of paramedics arrived in 10 minutes, and they couldn't bring her back too. I still say sorry, and also to our Son, he was there at the time, and saw the whole thing. Ok, sorry, I am going on too much.

I do believe, that when someone dies, I like to say pass away, to heaven, that there is a ripple effect, and touches so many people. There is no stronger force than love, and more love in the world is a very good thing.

I am sure you will find a purpose, as we all will, when and what that will be, only we will know...

[LMR]

9 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Even in the midst of company, I am sad and missing Veronica, who should be there with me, with us, having a good time.  Even yesterday with our son and DIL and good friends, it was hard to overcome that feeling of being alone without my bride.

I find I feel more lonely with people than when I am on my own. Everything about people doing things together just ascentuates that my soul mate isn't here.

[RichS]

2 hours ago, P777 said:

Many times, I have said to my Wife that I am sorry I couldn't save her (she passed away unexpectedly one evening, still don't know the cause), when I did CPR, and couldn't save her. I blame myself, when I know that it was just her time plus a crash team of paramedics arrived in 10 minutes, and they couldn't bring her back too. I still say sorry, and also to our Son, he was there at the time, and saw the whole thing.

Like all of us, you did as BEST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. I sometimes replay events in my mind during my wife's illness. I know that I wasn't perfect (who is?). Even doctors and nurses are human as well. All of our efforts done for our spouses we done OUT OF LOVE. As long as we keep reminding ourselves of that, the guilt is kept to a minimum. In the end, it's what's in our hearts that count. When we reflect on that, that should bring us comfort.

[ImMomma]

On 5/27/2024 at 8:33 AM, DWS said:

It's still so painful to not have him by my side and in this particular situation of a threat to my finances, I've never felt more alone.

An annoyance like this in life has had its way of bringing me out of my comfortable shell and I'm coping with it the best that I can but it seems that nothing feels right anymore. There's no one who cares about my every moment of life anymore. 

I am beginning to understand these feelings on a more visceral level.  Its simple to I understand on an intellectual level, but what you said here reached me to the core.

My John is still here physically and even as his dementia worsens - I can still talk with him and reach out to him.  But more and more I am being thrust out of my comfort zone and into unfamiliar territories.  Especially when handling finances and banking and also with fraud on our credit card.  So many phone calls and chasing around to different offices and driving in unfamiliar areas of town.  

I cant cry in front of John so I go take a shower so I can cry.   Last night was not a good night and I cried for a long time and was also  thinking how when John is gone there will truly be no one who loves me all the time.    I dont know how you go on each day with that crushing weight.   Right now  and whever i think about it for myself, I will think of you too,  DWS, and send you a cyber hug.   

[KayC]

Even as we think of YOU and your John, and DWS and the others on here...