Why am I still here?

[Bruce A]

As for me I don’t see a counselor or group being of any benefit for me. As I have posted before the worst thing for me trying to move forward is being alone. No amount of counseling or talking is going to make me not be alone. I don’t know that I can face another however many years of being alone.

[WithoutHer]

17 minutes ago, Bruce A said:

As for me I don’t see a counselor or group being of any benefit for me. As I have posted before the worst thing for me trying to move forward is being alone. No amount of counseling or talking is going to make me not be alone. I don’t know that I can face another however many years of being alone.

Same boat different paddle. Rowing either side just goes in circles.

[widower2]

6 hours ago, Gator M said:

To think about going through this for another year or two is daunting.

Which is exactly why I suggest trying not to (I know, easier said than done...). Day at a time and all. 

As for being alone, when I started getting back "out there" a little, it was hardly a panacea, but it did help some. Any time, even short amounts of time, elsewhere, with my mind focused elsewhere even somewhat, was helpful. FWIW

[widower2]

Understood. I'm sorry for everything. Bad enough to have to deal with the loss, but when other things pile of top of it, it's like salt in the wound. Yes, not thinking about it is hard for sure. That's why I tried to do whatever I could to focus elsewhere, even if it's just for a time...getting out with others, hobbies, even yard work beat sitting in the house stewing on it.

[Sheilz]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

And I hope my tips article doesn't offend anyone,

I read it & printed it out.  I still reread it.  I thank you for posting it for all of us especially us newbiews. 

 

6 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Same boat different paddle. Rowing either side just goes in circles.

Couldn't have described it any better.   Makes me just want to lay down & cry.

 

3 hours ago, widower2 said:

Which is exactly why I suggest trying not to (I know, easier said than done...). Day at a time and all. 

I'm trying like heck to focus on one day at a time.  So hard because the future is a scary place.  I need to find a way to reel in my thinking when I start looking farther than tomorrow.  

[Sheilz]

7 hours ago, Bruce A said:

you just need a real, heartfelt hug. My wife gave the best hugs and I miss them so much.

I just did a virtual group that had a speaker talking about "Missing the Touch".  OMG was it spot on.  Brian was a rough & tumble guy but loved to be cuddled & to cuddle.  He always wanted me to sit next to him on the couch & cuddle even though it wasn't the most comfortable place on the couch.  I did it just to feel him all around me.  I miss it so much.  I can't even sit on the couch anymore.  Too painful.

So Bruce A.... I know what you mean by missing the "best hugs".  

[WithoutHer]

20 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

I'm trying like heck to focus on one day at a time.  So hard because the future is a scary place.  I need to find a way to reel in my thinking when I start looking farther than tomorrow.  

Don't let that make you feel bad. I think you have a lot of company there myself included. Even tomorrow itself is hard enough to think about.

[shawnt]

I try and take a little knowledge from wherever I can find it. Yes there is a whole lot of horse poo and somethings that I know won't work for me but are still sound ideas. Someone said earlier that grief is a road we walk alone and I guess that's right but sharing what worked for you can help someone but not everyone.

[widower2]

Just a general "FWIW" to those of you newer to this from an old timer: I won't say it ever gets easy, but realistically it does get easier. The searing anguish of those early days won't last forever; basically it can't. Your mind and body simply won't accept that; they will adjust. Kind of like being forced to carry a boulder around...at first it's like OMG are you ####in me...but gradually your strength improves and it becomes less and less difficult. Or maybe another way to look at it is that gradually that boulder decreases in size to a point where it becomes far more manageable. 

[Bruce A]

4 hours ago, Sheilz said:

He always wanted me to sit next to him on the couch & cuddle even though it wasn't the most comfortable place on the couch.  I did it just to feel him all around me.  I miss it so much.  I can't even sit on the couch anymore.  Too painful.

Patti and I weren’t really cuddlers but one of her hugs conveyed everything in the world to me. I sit on another couch now but Raelyn will lay in the spot where my wife used to sit. She looks so sad and it breaks my heart and I always tell her that I know she misses her too.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

I won't say it ever gets easy, but realistically it does get easier. The searing anguish of those early days won't last forever; basically it can't. Your mind and body simply won't accept that; they will adjust. Kind of like being forced to carry a boulder around...at first it's like OMG are you ####in me...but gradually your strength improves and it becomes less and less difficult. Or maybe another way to look at it is that gradually that boulder decreases in size to a point where it becomes far more manageable. 

Good explanation & analogy. It's exactly like that. Our bodies can't take the pain of early loss forever so it adjusts, unbelievably, it does! We can't say how or when, but it does. We hone our coping skills, amazingly.  All I know is I look back on day one, year one, first few years...and it isn't like that anymore.  I continue to love him and miss him, I always will until we're together again.  It is nothing like a divorce, it's unique only to widowhood.  The feeling I felt when he held me, that comfortable feeling where I felt all was right with the world?  It's gone.  Instead I have my sanctuary, my home, that place where I cherish, the place with all the memories and comfort, that is my consolation.

[shawnt]

I like that idea; either we get stronger or the rock gets lighter. I think it might be both.

[Sheilz]

11 hours ago, widower2 said:

I won't say it ever gets easy, but realistically it does get easier. The searing anguish of those early days won't last forever; basically it can't.

Thank you for that.  Sometimes I just need to hear that.  Because it is searing anguish which makes me think my body & mind can't keep this up.  So thank you for this explanation (again).  

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I continue to love him and miss him, I always will until we're together again.  It is nothing like a divorce, it's unique only to widowhood.  The feeling I felt when he held me, that comfortable feeling where I felt all was right with the world?  It's gone.  Instead I have my sanctuary, my home, that place where I cherish, the place with all the memories and comfort, that is my consolation.

Thank you for sharing this also.  I will always love Brian & hope I get to a place where I can cherish all the memories & comfort that we had instead of it causing extreme pain.  Thank you.

[RichS]

9 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

I won't say it ever gets easy, but realistically it does get easier. The searing anguish of those early days won't last forever; basically it can't.

I'm just 10 months into it, haven't felt that yet (too soon, anyway), so I'll take your word for it based on your years of experience.

 

11 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

Instead I have my sanctuary, my home, that place where I cherish, the place with all the memories and comfort, that is my consolation.

I feel the same way about my home environment. I have to be careful though, not to get "too comfortable" with home or else I'll have the tendency not to get out as much (for some exercise, socializing, etc.). To me at least, complacency is like a comfortable chair: you just want to stay there for as long as you can. I have to watch out for that; especially in this difficult period of my life. I know me.

[RichS]

9 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I'm exhausted and have done very little.  I'm looking for anything to distract my mind.

I could tell after I was up for about a half hour that it was going to be a low-energy day for me. Usually some depression kicks in; which is exactly how I'm feeling right now. I have down days like this.....................

[RichS]

4 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I'm not sure I'll every get through this?

I often feel the same way. You will, we all will. It's just a matter of time; which will be different for all of us.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I will always love Brian & hope I get to a place where I can cherish all the memories & comfort that we had instead of it causing extreme pain.

In the beginning everything made me cry, but eventually reached a point where memories with him made me smile instead, it's just part of an evolution that happens, took a while for sure!

2 hours ago, Gator M said:

I'm not sure I'll every get through this?

You will.

[Sheilz]

4 hours ago, Gator M said:

Ann and my relationship was so very deep.  He said our love was so apparent to everyone.  My family says the same.

I'm not sure I'll every get through this?

Our relationship was so very deep also.  We knew each other inside & out & loved deeply.  The pandemic brought the two of us even closer, if that was possible.  For the past 3 years it was just Brian & I together in our own little world protecting each other & nurturing each other.  I'm not sure I'll ever get through this.  But everyone says we will... So I hold on to that.  It'll never be great or even good.  But it will be....

2 hours ago, KayC said:

In the beginning everything made me cry, but eventually reached a point where memories with him made me smile instead, it's just part of an evolution that happens, took a while for sure!

I await the time that memories will be sweet & not bring me to my knees in tears.  I'm holding on to that because we had so many sweet memories.  

[WithoutHer]

29 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

I await the time that memories will be sweet & not bring me to my knees in tears.  I'm holding on to that because we had so many sweet memories.  

I feel the same. I'm in this 3 months longer than you and it took me a while just to find the good memories over the last week playing over and over. As those good memories started coming back and I'm still finding lost moments they increase the intensity of just how much I miss Vickie and our life together. That brings me deeper sadness and tears and I sit here alone except for our pets and caring for them is the closest I can be to her. They were all their mom's babies and they now stick to me to fill the void left in their lives as well as I mine. I hope there is a future I can remember our weekend travels and feel that happiness we felt together.

[Bruce A]

9 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I await the time that memories will be sweet & not bring me to my knees in tears.  I'm holding on to that because we had so many sweet memories.  

I think a lot of us are waiting until the memories become welcome and not something that tears your heart out every time. Right now I, like you, am at the stage where I can’t even envision that time. We had a similar experience during Covid in that Patti got to work from home for about a year so we were together pretty much all of the time.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Bruce A said:

We had a similar experience during Covid in that Patti got to work from home for about a year so we were together pretty much all of the time.

And that exacerbates what you're going through now.

 

[Bruce A]

Why do people presume that because you may talk and have a conversation that you are all of a sudden fine and over your grief.

I have reached the stage of telling people the truth when they text. Funny how they stop texting. Maybe I should do that with spam calls. Hello sir, how are you? Well my wife just died, I can’t bear living and I’m tired of being alone. I wonder what they would say to that. God doesn’t even answer when I tell him I can’t be alone. I guess he doesn’t text back either.

[shawnt]

I think that might work for phone solicitors too. I am going to try it, a different way to say f%%% off.

When people see our naked pain they have no idea how to help, truth be told they can't, in most cases they don't even know what to say except platitudes.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Bruce A said:

Maybe I should do that with spam calls. Hello sir, how are you? Well my wife just died, I can’t bear living and I’m tired of being alone. I wonder what they would say to that.

My guess is they'd hang up. I found after my first year that God was with me all the time, literally carrying me but I couldn't hear Him because of my intense grief.

[Sheilz]

13 hours ago, Bruce A said:

Why do people presume that because you may talk and have a conversation that you are all of a sudden fine and over your grief.

You are so right.  I went to lunch with a friend the other day.  My first time out.  I cried on the way there, I cried during it, I cried on the way home, I cried when I walked into the empty house.  And when I told another person that I went to lunch with a friend they said "Good for you and I knew you would be ok.  Keep up the good work & we must get together soon".   

Honestly I can't even talk & have a conversation without crying.  So that might be why I only get text messages now.

13 hours ago, Bruce A said:

Hello sir, how are you? Well my wife just died, I can’t bear living and I’m tired of being alone. I wonder what they would say to that.

Thank you Bruce for that comment.  It ALMOST made me chuckle if it wasn't so sad.

 

13 hours ago, Bruce A said:

God doesn’t even answer when I tell him I can’t be alone. I guess he doesn’t text back either.

I'm still questioning & trying to be hopeful with all that.

[Bruce A]

1 hour ago, Sheilz said:

My first time out.  I cried on the way there, I cried during it, I cried on the way home, I cried when I walked into the empty house. 

I already mentioned I went out to dinner with my brother and his wife. I sat in the back of the car crying silently. I had to struggle not to cry in the restaurant. Last night I thought I would take the dog out for ice cream. So here I am driving in my car and I thought listening to The Police (the band) would cheer me up. But as I was listening I started crying in the car because every song was about being alone. When your life is okay you never really think too much about what a song is about. And when your life goes to hell you start hearing what the lyrics are saying. ‘Message in A Bottle’ is when I started to cry. Lyrics “Seems I’m not alone in being alone” and “love can mend your life but love can break your heart”. And my heart is so broken.

[Bruce A]

21 minutes ago, Gator M said:

This is why I don't do music.

Bruce...I feel your pain.  Again, it's  not what you are doing...it's who you are NOT  doing it with.

You are so right. I loved listening to music more than almost anything. I thought about listening to some this morning and I just can’t do it. Patti didn’t even like some of the music I played but she would always say ‘who are we listening to?’ Just having someone who cared so much about me. She was such a positive influence on my life and now there is just a black hole left that I can’t get out of.
It is so difficult posting on here because every time I talk about her I start crying again.

[RichS]

Bruce:  I sometimes well up when I hear certain songs (they remind me of Chris). I do listen to music from time to time when I'm in the mood. Not trying to put in a plug here, but I find early - mid 60's enjoyable. I'm a big fan of the Beach Boys during that era. Also the Four Seasons and Jay and The Americans and others. Yes, some of their songs were tear jerkers. Listening on You Tube has it's advantages. If you don't like a tune, you can cut it off right away.

Also, my son enjoys listening to symphony music, which he and I find relaxing. Instrumental music can be soothing as well. There are no correct answers here. Just try to find songs/bands that put you in a better frame of mind. If you've found a bunch, maybe make a CD of them. Then you'll only hear songs you want to hear. You and others on this board (including myself) are in our first year of grieving. We're all trying to cope and adjust at the same time. You're not alone.

 

[Bruce A]

I have tried listening to classical music because they say it is good for depression but I just don’t care for it.
Maybe I am too sensitive. We had a dog named Leo that we lost two years ago. He was the sweetest, most joyful dog. We always said his song was that one about ‘the Best Day of My Life’. He really was our heart dog. We loved him as much as anyone could love a child. Anyway, I would smoke a cigar and listen to music every Sunday night to unwind and he would always come down to be with me. But he would want me to give him all of my attention. So sometimes my wife would say just put the gate up, he’ll be fine. But he would lay in the kitchen looking so sad I would usually take the gate down. The few times that I didn’t still haunt me. I have so many demons clawing around my brain. How do I cope?

[Sheilz]

6 hours ago, Gator M said:

This is why I don't do music.

Bruce...I feel your pain.  Again, it's  not what you are doing...it's who you are NOT  doing it with.

I can't do music either.  Brian loved music & was very into all kinds.  And it was a big part of our social/fun life listening to music together, concerts, etc.  So every song, every band, etc. is painful enough to bring the tears.  So now I just avoid it altogether.  Sometimes even the songs on commercials will bring me back to memories (& tears).

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Sheilz said:

Brian loved music & was very into all kinds.  And it was a big part of our social/fun life listening to music together, concerts, etc. 

We had so many "our songs"...I can't listen to them.  My son made a CD of them. My kids used to tease me, called it our soundtrack.  Now, I just can't.

Oddly enough I still sing on the Praise Team at church though. He was my biggest fan.

George had eclectic taste, he loved everything but rap. Country, Reggae, Blues, Classical, Jazz, Rock, Pop, you name it.

[shawnt]

I can't listen either, pulls my emotions up to much and it is very hard to weep and drive.

[Bruce A]

Not to change the subject but I wanted to ask how everyone makes big decisions now that you are alone. I think like everyone else here every decision we made before was always much easier when you had your spouse. I have some big decisions and they are unfortunately mine alone to make.
I can’t afford to stay in the house I’m in unless I get a reverse mortgage. But that brings it’s own issues to consider. I really like my house but it is pretty large for just me and lots of stairs.
Also we bought our dream car 2 months before Patti passed but making the payments and the high insurance are beyond my means. I love the car but I don’t really drive much (Patti was the driver). If I moved to a cheaper house I could probably keep it. These decisions are just so difficult on my own.

[Bruce A]

5 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I'm a fan of downsizing or moving someone in with you.  I plan on doing just that.

Right now I use very little of my house. 

I've even considered living on a boat or in a fishing camp (think cabin).

I may suggest what ever helps your standard of living.  Only you can decide that.

You could even rent in the short term.

I would not reverse mortgage.

As for the car, unless you can do the same...I'd keep it.  Can you replace it with something cheaper that is dependable?

 

[Bruce A]

6 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I'm a fan of downsizing or moving someone in with you.  I plan on doing just that.

Right now I use very little of my house. 

I've even considered living on a boat or in a fishing camp (think cabin).

I may suggest what ever helps your standard of living.  Only you can decide that.

You could even rent in the short term.

I would not reverse mortgage.

As for the car, unless you can do the same...I'd keep it.  Can you replace it with something cheaper that is dependable?

Downsizing brings it’s own issues. Housing prices here are very inflated right now. The homes I look at that would be in my price range are  to put it ‘kindly’ very much fixer uppers. I don’t want to move out of a nice house just to move. I haven’t really looked into selling my car so I’m not sure on that.

[DMB]

I was grateful my husband had some life insurance, and his friends/family had a benefit for him and there was several thousand from that left.  Three years later there's still some money  left.  I rent and even with a couple of increases since he's been gone, I have been able to do it.  Thanks to having a job. The word retirement doesn't exist for me because it will never happen. I just hope I can hang on full time until 67 1/2 (or not).  That's when I can go back to having 2 incomes, salary and SS.  I've looked into it, and I need to wait.  Should the if not happen, I do think I have my ducks in a row for the kids and they will know what to do with me.  I am still working on downsizing.  

I hope you guys don't need to do anything to rash in this very hard 1st year.  It's the worst. 

[DMB]

18 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I'm trying to wait on SS. 

I believe you can only make $24k or less and collect SS.

 

That's correct, so by doing the test with my current salary and getting ready to turn 62, I would have a net loss on the SS $$ amount.  LOL!!  At full age you can make $56,520 right now.   Plus, my husband was self-employed and he paid in as little as possible, so my SS will be the greater one. Only 5 1/2 years to go.  Not sure the extra $$ will last that long which is why I think I hang onto things. 

[Bruce A]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

It seems you answered your question. 

However, if houses are inflated wouldn't yours be inflated?

This is true. So the goal would be to buy a cheaper home but because prices are inflated I can’t find anything decent that would put me in a better financial situation. If I buy a house near what I sell for I will be in the same boat.

[Bruce A]

41 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I tried get some of Ann's but I make too much.  She only collected for 8 mo...what a racket.

I tried to get Patti’s and they told me I could get $36 extra. Yes that is $36. They take almost $200 for Medicare. The really ridiculous thing is I got a link card and I get $240 a month for food. So I can buy $60 steaks but I can’t get any more S.S. 
I would rather just have the money because it would just about cover my car payment and I don’t really spend anything on food.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Bruce A said:

These decisions are just so difficult on my own.

But you are thinking about it, and considering the right things.  That's how I make decisions.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Bruce A said:

If I buy a house near what I sell for I will be in the same boat.

But if you buy and sell BOTH would be inflated, but the one worth the most would be more than the smaller one.

[Gail 8588]

@Bruce A

I would check out what you can sell her car for.  The used car market has been nuts the past year. Some used cars are really selling for more than their brand new sales price.   My son took his 1-year old car into the dealership to have it's 12 month service, and the dealership offered to buy it from him for $5,000 more than he paid for it a year ago.

This of course varies with car make, model and condition,  but it is worth looking it up on some of the internet used car services. Carfax, Cars.com, Carvana, Vroom.com and many others. 

Getting rid of that car payment may influence your decision about your home. 

I  hope you have a close friend or a family member that  you know has good financial judgment that  you can talk to about these and other big dollar decisions.  Grief does adversely effect your ability to reason through financial decisions.  It is good to have someone (who has their finances in good order) who will give you their honest opinion.

My financial situation changed dramatically with the death of my husband. I had no choice but to downsize.  My sister-in-law stepped in and made all the hard decisions for me (with my agreement). I am so thankful that I am now financially secure, in a very comfortable, but much more modest, home.  

I'm sorry you are having to deal with these financial issues during this horrible time.  It's all so unfair and overwhelming.   

Gail

[Bruce A]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

I  hope you have a close friend or a family member that  you know has good financial judgment that  you can talk to about these and other big dollar decisions.  Grief does adversely effect your ability to reason through financial decisions.  It is good to have someone (who has their finances in good order) who will give you their honest opinion.

Unfortunately I don’t really have anyone to give me good advice. Everyone keeps giving me their opinions and when I question anything they get upset with me. It’s like they think they’re giving me this wonderful advice and how dare I question it.

In the end it will be a decision that I alone have to make. Which in my situation is incredibly difficult. I am giving myself to the end of August to decide as that is about the limit as far as money issues becoming a problem.

Thank you for the advice and hopefully God will give me some sign as to which way to go.
 

[Bruce A]

2 hours ago, Gator M said:

Bruce:

I will have to make many of these same decisions.  I have to move, my house is a tear-down (termite damage).  I'm 63 so, do I buy, do I rent, do I go solo, or do I live with family or a friend?

Do I retire early, or do I work as long as I can?

I even thought of living on a boat or fishing camp and traveling between my siblings before they pass.  I'm the youngest of 6.  

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I do not have a large retirement.   So, I've given it to God, like the birds of the air and the Lillys of the fields. 

As Ann often said, "Let's see what God's going to do with this?"

People (family and friends) don’t understand all the terrible burdens that you are dealing with in addition to the devastation of just losing your soulmate.

Gator, I would say if you like working and are capable keep working. You could get social security right now at 63 to supplement your income. I can’t tell you what to do as far as moving in with family or renting. Awhile ago my brother said I could move in with him and his wife but I wouldn’t live with her no matter what.

I am still up in the air. I was looking at homes in an over 55 community because the price was pretty good. Then I found out they charge you $1000 a month to rent the lot. That’s double what I pay in property taxes in my current home and those are high.

So I’m back to square one.

[Bruce A]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

If I was retired and could handle the isolation

Yeah the issue of being alone is really, really hard on me. All I do is sit here all day with no one to talk to and sometimes it’s more than I can bare.Unfortunately I have no prospects for anyone moving in with me. Unless there is some fabulous babe out there looking to move in with a lonely 62 year old depressed guy. My wife always said if she was gone I should go out and find someone else but I don’t see it happening.

[Gail 8588]

I know it was just a TV show, but I have often thought the "Golden Girls" arrangement made a lot of financial sense.  Three or 4 retired singles sharing a large nice home, pooling their resources to live in a home they couldn't afford individually, having their private bedroom and bath to retreat to, but having companionship and conversation.  Living with others improves your security  both in terms of crime and accidents or illness.

I just think it is really hard to put it into practice without one person actually being able to finance the home on their own.  

Just stuff I've daydreamed about.

Gail

 

 

[Bruce A]

55 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Right there with you brother on finding someone.  The churches used to have single groups and widowers groups...no more.  I hear they are all online dating sites.

I just want someone to hang with.  I wish we were all closer. A group just to go to dinner, talk football,  talk politics, etc.

This just sux.

I don’t think online dating services help anyone. Not even singles. It seems widows and widowers are considered like they have leprosy or something. People seem to stay away from us when we need the exact opposite. 
I would give anything to just have someone to be here and just watch a stupid tv show.

28 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

I just think it is really hard to put it into practice without one person actually being able to finance the home on their own.  

Just stuff I've daydreamed about.

I have a home I just don’t have anyone to share it with.

[Jemiga70]

On 6/28/2023 at 11:45 AM, Bruce A said:

Not to change the subject but I wanted to ask how everyone makes big decisions now that you are alone.

Give yourself some breathing room, explore all your options, ask a higher power (if that's your thing)  and your wife for guidance, sleep on it, then trust your gut. In my experience once I've made a decision the stress dissolves and providence seems to step in. The tough part for me was the stress of weighing the options leading up to making a bloody decision.  I've found it much more difficult without my wife here to bounce ideas off.  I had to move apartments 2 months after she passed. So there I was, in shock, not sleeping, breaking down, etc and viewing apartments. That was a royal fustercluck but somehow - I really think it was divine intervention - I moved into the right apartment.

I'm really sorry you have to shoulder these financial burdens so soon after your loss, Bruce. It's not easy.

 

[KayC]

Bruce, you want me to send you the Dash lady?  Just kidding!

[RichS]

4 hours ago, Gator M said:

My wife always said if she was gone I should go out and find someone else but I don’t see it happening.

Chris used to tell me, "After being married to you why would I want to get married again? Take it either way." Still scratching my head on that one!