Why am I still here?

[Bruce A]

I lost my wife Saturday April 1. I am so lost without her. I can’t stop crying, she was my whole life. I have had severe clinical depression and anxiety my whole life and she was the first one who cared enough to get me help. I waited 36 years for her to come into my life and after 23 years of marriage God has taken her from me. I’m not mad at God I just keep asking why he took her and not me. I’m the one who didn’t want to be here. I am retired and would just wait every day for her to come home and pull me out of my darkness. She would always ask if there was anything she could do to help.in her last week she was so sick she could hardly walk but she offered to go and get my favorite ice cream. My brother has been coming over every day and my beautiful dog Raelyn is here with me. If it wasn’t for her I don’t think I could keep going because I won’t leave her alone. I am just existing waiting for my wife to come home. I can’t believe she is gone. I don’t know what other people experience as far as family and friends but I feel so let down by all of them. People would call or text saying let them know if they can do anything but I feel like it is just to make themselves feel better. After 1 or 2 days that stopped. I was sitting here crying last night begging God to have someone just reach out but no one did. Why can’t people just send a text and say hey, we’re thinking of you. Is that so hard? My niece actually texted me “happy Easter” this morning. How can someone be so unfeeling as to say that? That’s all

[Alone. Again.]

Bruce, we know how you feel. We all feel like we are only existing for something: our children, our pets. My close and oldest friend asked me if I was having a 'nice' Mother's day the other week. I told her I wasn't. 

We understand when you say you feel let down by family and friends. I can't get my head around any of that still. I lost my fiancé on 30th December and the feelings of abandonment remain. But I also know  that no one else knows how we feel because they haven't experienced it and people in general are scared of and uncomfortable around grief and those who have to go through it because it simply doesn't register on their radar in any way and they never want it to. It's scary and unknown, and we all know how the unknown makes people retract back into their shells of comfort.

Coming here is the wisest choice you could have made. Without this site and certain people, I wouldn't have an outlet to read and sometimes talk about how I feel. It is so important to have that. 

Please keep coming here, read, post and comment as much as you like. You will not be judged and you will find the comfort that you haven’t had. Those first few weeks are still a fog for me, but I can say that the pain relents in its violence, it's still very much there, but you will get through each moment, especially if you have this place and these wonderful people. 

Here, is a sense of belonging and understanding I haven't received from anywhere else. 

I'm so sorry you have to join us on this journey, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. 

[KayC]

I think your niece was thinking of you and didn't intend harm, having not been through it.

We welcome you to our group and hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps us process our grief.  I'm glad you have your dog, that helps a lot.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Bruce A]

Does anyone have advice for coping with the nighttime when it starts getting dark out. That is when my depression is at its worst and I am gripped with terrible anxiety. Thanks

[MichiganDaniel]

You can reach out here. Even if youndon’t get a response or reaction for a while, it really helps to put words out into the world knowing that many people will hear you and understand.

The first week after I lost Melissa I was not functional. I had a week of berevement leave from work. Affer a month, I still have crying fits where I suddenly wail like a toddler. It still sirprises me.

I’m trying to push myself into situations where I’m around more people, but there’s this social wall that you have to break through to start talking to strangers.

We didn’t have many friends that we saw, especially with covid, and we don’t have family in town, so I can’t count on them very much. But a have been there, holding the phone, wondering if I should call someone and interrupt their evening. Sometimes I call. Sometimes I  don’t. Sometimes I just come here and write my feelings.

The first few weeks were a mess of disbelief, bewilderment, and this horrifying realization of the enorminty of loss. I’m told that grief changes from acute to chronic, but as long as there is love there will be loss.

Thank you for your story. Keep writing. After a while it will start to feel ok to smile and laugh again. Our loved ones would want us to be happy and to remember them with joy. I will, but it is still so strange and wrong.

[KayC]

Yes, keep coming here, write even if it's the middle of the night, someone just may be on here...

[RichS]

6 hours ago, Bruce A said:

I lost my wife Saturday April 1. I am so lost without her. I can’t stop crying, she was my whole life.

Bruce:  Speaking for everyone on this board, we are all sorry for your loss. ALL OF US on this board have experienced and are still experiencing what you're going through. The stories of family and/or friends forgetting you are numerous on the board. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. In fact, you've come to a good place, here. The people on this board are all sympathetic and caring; which is something that you need in abundance right now. Keep posting here. Someone is always here to listen and to provide comfort and support. WELCOME!!!

[Bruce A]

I just wanted to say thanks for all the kind responses. Daniel, that is the exact circumstance i had of holding the phone and wondering if I should call someone and interrupt their evening. Thank God I have been telling my brother to just call me before he goes to bed and say goodnight. I’m sure everyone on here knows the same feeling of not wanting to go to bed and just sitting up with the tv on. I like to watch hockey but I am already dreading the end of the season.

 

[Wavesnsky]

BruceA so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my wife, it will be 10 weeks tomorrow. I have found some comfort here.  Come here as often as you need. Many people here have great insight that helps. I have found myself picking up the phone more when I need to hear a friend or family members voice. I’m spending more time with family and that helps also. I miss my Suzy all the time, but I know in my heart she is ok and she would want me to keep moving forward. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

[Bruce A]

I am so lost. I was so bad with my depression and anxiety my wife literally did everything for me. I don’t even know how to use a credit or debit card or even how to refill my medication or go shopping. I wake up and start hyperventilating everyday and feel like I am going to throw up. Please know even if I don’t say it I appreciate every single response on here.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Bruce A said:

I have been telling my brother to just call me before he goes to bed and say goodnight.

That is so kind of him!  And a big help.

[Bruce A]

30 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Is your brother close enough to help?  Do you have anyone nearby?   If it's debilitating, you may want to seek medical help to get you functional. 

Do you attend a church?  Don't be afraid to ask for help.  There are also groups like Visiting Angels that may be a big help.  You found us...check for support groups near you.  DON'T try to do this all on your own...No man is an island. 

Yes my brother has been coming over as much as he can and my niece and nephew have been helping in their own way. Without them I don’t what I would do.

[RichS]

 

1 hour ago, Bruce A said:

I am so lost. I was so bad with my depression and anxiety my wife literally did everything for me. I don’t even know how to use a credit or debit card or even how to refill my medication or go shopping

Bruce:  Here's a contact to get you started:

Bruce:

Here's a contact number to help get you started. CALL THEM ASAP. Give them as much information on the help that you need. They're capable of handling situations like yours.  in the meantime keep posting on this board. We're all here to help you. YES, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!

6. Will County

Social Service Organizations

 

Website

 

(815) 254-8673

23825 W Mill St

Plainfield, IL 60544

 

[Bruce A]

58 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Can one of them help you with your Credit Cards, Bills, Medications, etc

They have been trying to help. Sometimes that’s good sometimes not. My niece is helping but Unfortunately my sister in law keeps butting in. She kept harping on them to see about my mortgage so they somehow got some bad info and told me I was going to lose my house because my name isn’t on the mortgage. Thankfully I got ahold my mortgage broker who is our friend and she gave me the correct information. But someone telling you that you are going to lose your house 2 days after you lost your wife was devastating. They have helped with other things, it is just so overwhelming when your wife passes unexpectedly. No will or life insurance and lots of bills.

 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Bruce A said:

I am so lost. I was so bad with my depression and anxiety my wife literally did everything for me. I don’t even know how to use a credit or debit card or even how to refill my medication or go shopping. I wake up and start hyperventilating everyday and feel like I am going to throw up. Please know even if I don’t say it I appreciate every single response on here.

Bruce, I am so sorry I miss your last post before my last one...I am so sorry for all you are going through!  Are you seeing a doctor for your depression? It sounds pretty bad.  And it hasn't been helped by loss.  
Your niece didn't help by telling you that you'd lose your house.  Is she handling your bills? One thing that might help is calling anyone you owe $ to and letting them know what to expect.  Have you notified the bank and social security office?  You may be entitled to more $ through your wife but the soc. sec. office could let you know. Meanwhile, we are here for you!  Breathe...take one day at a time and stay in today.

[Bruce A]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Bruce, I am so sorry I miss your last post before my last one...I am so sorry for all you are going through!  Are you seeing a doctor for your depression? It sounds pretty bad.  And it hasn't been helped by loss.  
Your niece didn't help by telling you that you'd lose your house.  Is she handling your bills? One thing that might help is calling anyone you owe $ to and letting them know what to expect.  Have you notified the bank and social security office?  You may be entitled to more $ through your wife but the soc. sec. office could let you know. Meanwhile, we are here for you!  Breathe...take one day at a time and stay in today.

Thanks Kay C and Gator M. Your suggestions are great and would be helpful for anyone going through this heartbreaking situation. I will address everything I have done so far. Called soc. Sec. I am retired and my wife worked so they said I could only get $4 a month or get a onetime payout of $255 if I want to go and sit at their office as they don’t take appointments. I have called and changed insurance and the bank recommended keeping her name on the account for now in case she receives any payments. I’m okay on my mortgage as long as keep paying it. I am going to see my financial advisor this week. I have been seeing psychiatrist’s for the better part of 25 years. I am on various medications but none of them have ever really helped. I often wonder if any doctors really want to help people or just getting some kickback from big pharma. The best help for my mental illness was my incredible wife who never once wavered in her love for me. She knew how painful my life with depression was and would always tell me she knew I didn’t want to be here (meaning life) but would always reply with how much she loved me for being there with her. Now I have lost my only reason for being here. Thanks to everyone for all the kindness and advice.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, Bruce A said:

I have been seeing psychiatrist’s for the better part of 25 years. I am on various medications but none of them have ever really helped. I often wonder if any doctors really want to help people or just getting some kickback from big pharma.

I've been to counseling myself. What I took away from it is this:  If you can develop a new coping skill, then the visits will have been worth it. A total cure would be ideal,  but realistically, if you can cope better now than when you first started your sessions, then you feel like you're moving forward. We all have our own "buttons" that when pushed, can really trigger our emotions. Hang in there. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU..............Don't forget to contact the Social Services Office in your town.

[KayC]

Definitely contact senior services in your vicinity, explain to them what you have to us, see if they have any helps available.  I worked for a doctor, never knew any that got kickbacks but who knows about some.  I do think it's easier for doctors to push pills than address and help people.  I spend a big part of my day researching and helping diabetic groups, looking up and reading studies, I've found more info than doctors ever knew...it's, unfortunately, up to us to research things ourselves, but in early grief, that's a bit much to ask.

Keep coming here...we're listening.

[Bruce A]

I’m sure some of you have gone through this but I just wanted to vent. Some people you need help from are great but then there are people like my accountant (whom we have known for over 25 years). Luckily my wife sent all of our 2022 tax stuff to him before she passed. But I have to keep emailing him because he doesn’t call back and all I get are two word answers that leave me more confused. For instance he mailed me the returns to sign (owe $2000 federal) without telling me how I am supposed to sign for my wife. So I get”sign for both”. Does that mean try to sign with her signature or do I personally sign for both of us? I know it is a busy time for accountants but it seems like he would just understand the position I’m in and take a minute to explain clearly what I need to do. Then we could stop wasting each others time emailing back and forth

[Bruce A]

Also I was wondering if it is just a byproduct of my mental illness or has anyone else experienced a feeling of crippling anxiety as it starts to get dark out. This is regardless of whether someone is here with me or not. It gets so bad it makes me physically ill.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, Bruce A said:

So I get”sign for both”. Does that mean try to sign with her signature or do I personally sign for both of us?

I did a quick check online (hope you don't mind).  According to H&R Block, you as the surviving spouse sign on the line that would be hers like this:  "Filing as Surviving Spouse."  If someone other than you had been appointed executor or administrator of your wife's estate, then that person would have signed as executor/administrator, probably something like "Filing on Behalf of Name's Estate."  (Trying to sign with your wife's signature would be considered tax fraud.  Your accountant really let you down not making sure you understand what to do!)

IMO, the fact that it's tax season is not an excuse for your accountant/CPA to basically brush you off.  How the heck are you supposed to know what the vague response meant?  John was a CPA, consultant, and software developer.  He never did personal taxes, but was an auditor/audit manager for a regional office of one of the then Big Eight firms.  Then he was controller for a medium-size company before going into consulting practice with friends in different business disciplines.  Ultimately, he went to work for himself.  He would never have left a client of any kind hanging or given vague answers or ignored them.  I will admit that sometimes the late evening or weekend phone calls from his consulting and software clients were annoying, but he always answered (if we were home, of course, as this was the 1970s to late 1990s; no cell phones, thankfully).  He always let new clients know when we were going to be out of town and would check messages every couple of days, just in case.  It's simply bad business practice to not make sure that clients in unusual or new situations understand everything, IMO.

[Bruce A]

57 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I did a quick check online (hope you don't mind).  According to H&R Block, you as the surviving spouse sign on the line that would be hers like this:  "Filing as Surviving Spouse."  If someone other than you had been appointed executor or administrator of your wife's estate, then that person would have signed as executor/administrator, probably something like "Filing on Behalf of Name's Estate."  (Trying to sign with your wife's signature would be considered tax fraud.  Your accountant really let you down not making sure you understand what to do!)

IMO, the fact that it's tax season is not an excuse for your accountant/CPA to basically brush you off.  How the heck are you supposed to know what the vague response meant?  John was a CPA, consultant, and software developer.  He never did personal taxes, but was an auditor/audit manager for a regional office of one of the then Big Eight firms.  Then he was controller for a medium-size company before going into consulting practice with friends in different business disciplines.  Ultimately, he went to work for himself.  He would never have left a client of any kind hanging or given vague answers or ignored them.  I will admit that sometimes the late evening or weekend phone calls from his consulting and software clients were annoying, but he always answered (if we were home, of course, as this was the 1970s to late 1990s; no cell phones, thankfully).  He always let new clients know when we were going to be out of town and would check messages every couple of days, just in case.  It's simply bad business practice to not make sure that clients in unusual or new situations understand everything, IMO.

You are awesome. Thank you so much for posting this. I am so glad I found you guys. Hearing from people who have/are going through the same thing as me is such a blessing. I can’t thank everyone enough for being there for me.

[Bruce A]

I wanted to ask everyone on here how they handle it when friends and family keep asking how you are. I know they care and are just being nice and I appreciate everyone caring about me. But do you just say, I’m okay? Even though you are about as far away from okay as you have ever been or ever will be.

[widower2]

21 minutes ago, Bruce A said:

I wanted to ask everyone on here how they handle it when friends and family keep asking how you are. I know they care and are just being nice and I appreciate everyone caring about me. But do you just say, I’m okay? Even though you are about as far away from okay as you have ever been or ever will be.

Well I guess you could lead in with "I'm going through hell on earth, and you?" but it's probably best not to...I could never bring myself to say something absurd like "fine," so usually it's "hanging in there" or "as well as can be expected" and let it go at that. I think they know you are not "OK," but they're just showing an interest in/concern for you, and while it may seem an incredibly dumb question, IMO it beats them not asking at all. Experience talking. 

[RichS]

1 hour ago, Bruce A said:

I wanted to ask everyone on here how they handle it when friends and family keep asking how you are.

The day after my wife passed away, I happened to step outside my house and one of my neighbors came over to talk to me. The next thing you know  another neighbor was riding their bike, saw me and my son and rushed over to see us. They were all sorry for what had happened and if there was anything I needed help with. I simply told them, "I need your prayers." Aside from being in shock over everything that had happened that prior night, that's what my son and I needed more than anything else. I hope that they carried out my wishes. I felt very vulnerable that day as I still do somewhat today. It's been 8 months since that happened and if the question from them ever comes up again, I would answer in the same way. 

 

[Bruce A]

Thank you as always for your honest answers. I haven’t been saying my regular prayers every night. By the time I go to sleep I just pray for God to help me and give me the strength to keep going. I will say a prayer for all of us, lord knows we need them.

[Alone. Again.]

Bruce,

I still say 'I'm just trying to get through each day'.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Bruce A said:

But do you just say, I’m okay? Even though you are about as far away from okay as you have ever been or ever will be.

I wouldn't, I would answer something like, "hanging in there" or "getting through it day by day" or something to that effect.  You're right, we don't feel okay when going through this so why should we have to lie about it?

11 hours ago, widower2 said:

Well I guess you could lead in with "I'm going through hell on earth, and you?" but it's probably best not to...I could never bring myself to say something absurd like "fine," so usually it's "hanging in there" or "as well as can be expected" and let it go at that.

I love your candid answers, you make my day! 

 

[widower2]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

I love your candid answers, you make my day! 

Thanks Kay    I should quickly add I never said that to anyone, but thought it many times! 

[Bruce A]

Hi. I need some advice again. I have almost $2000 due in federal income tax on Tuesday. I have a monthly mortgage and car payment in addition to the usual monthly bills. I was thinking of paying my taxes by credit card. I know they have a fee of about 1.85% but I can’t really afford to just pay that much money out of my bank accounts right now. Thanks

[MichiganDaniel]

On 4/13/2023 at 8:58 PM, Bruce A said:

 

I wanted to ask everyone on here how they handle it when friends and family keep asking how you are

 

I usually say, compared to others on this type of journey, I think I’m doing pretty well. I’m not trying to lie. I want that to be true. And sometimes it is. But other times it’s not. Here’s how I am a lot of the time.

I’m weary from being sad. I don’t like that I have to do everything she used to help with. Bills. Getting the mail. Buying groceries together. I’m tired of being anxious and struggling to be unemotional at work. I’m exhausted trying to do new thing and meet new people so my life isn’t a giant well of loneliness. I’m tired of coping, and crying, and missing her. I’m tired of being lost and not knowing who I am anymore. I’m bone weary of  grief, and I’m just getting started.

I’m impatient for my mind to adjust, for memories to bring joy instead of regret.

How am I? Compared to everyone else, I’m doing ok. They just don’t know that we’re all living in a twilight. 

[MichiganDaniel]

35 minutes ago, Bruce A said:

I was thinking of paying my taxes by credit card

I found this

https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/taxes/how-to-set-up-irs-payment-plan

If you can pay a tax bill over time, it might be better than adding to a credit card balance. 

[Bruce A]

58 minutes ago, DanielInMichigan said:

I usually say, compared to others on this type of journey, I think I’m doing pretty well. I’m not trying to lie. I want that to be true. And sometimes it is. But other times it’s not. Here’s how I am a lot of the time.

I’m weary from being sad. I don’t like that I have to do everything she used to help with. Bills. Getting the mail. Buying groceries together. I’m tired of being anxious and and struggling to be unemotional at work. I’m exhausted trying to do new thing and meet new people so my life isn’t a giant well of loneliness. I’m tired of coping, and crying, and missing her. I’m tired of being lost and not knowing who I am anymore. I’m bone weary of  grief, and I’m just getting started.

I’m impatient for my mind to adjust, for memories to bring joy instead of regret.

How am I? Compared to everyone else, I’m doing ok. They just don’t know that we’re all living in a twilight.

I, and I think everyone on here has the same feelings Daniel. Our friend who lost her infant child many years ago said it as, for everyone around you life goes on and your life just stopped. They all say you’ll get through it and we’re always here for you but they have no real idea of the absolute hell you are trapped in. I mostly feel utterly alone and in soul crushing despondency. My dog Raelyn is my only real friend.
On a different note thank you for the link. I will check it out.

 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, widower2 said:

Thanks Kay    I should quickly add I never said that to anyone, but thought it many times! 

Oh I know you wouldn't say it but that's one thing I love about you, you share your inner thoughts with us....and they often mirror my own! 

 

1 hour ago, DanielInMichigan said:

If you can pay a tax bill over time, it might be better than adding to a credit card balance. 

That was my feeling as well...reach out to them for a repayment plan.  Is this due to her death so not to be a concern next year?  Because I would want to resolve it occurring again.

56 minutes ago, Bruce A said:

My dog Raelyn is my only real friend.

And I'm glad you have a dog.  I have found them to be of immense help and consolation.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Bruce A said:

Hi. I need some advice again. I have almost $2000 due in federal income tax on Tuesday. I have a monthly mortgage and car payment in addition to the usual monthly bills. I was thinking of paying my taxes by credit card. I know they have a fee of about 1.85% but I can’t really afford to just pay that much money out of my bank accounts right now. Thanks

Disclosure and some ramblings:  I am not an accountant or tax professional of any kind.  I did live with one for 35 years.  I prepared our personal taxes and John did all the checking and proofing.  I paid the bills for most of our marriage.  It wasn't because he expected it, but rather that I'm really good at the details.  We were both pretty decent at budgeting; him more than me.  Because he worked with accounting and finance all day, every day, we agreed I'd "be in charge" of the day to day.  We sat down together every few months to make sure we were on track.  Interestingly (to me), I still keep to an over-under spending limit of $50.  If something was less than $50 (say a knife I needed or a new bit set for his woodworking), then we'd just buy it.  Anything more than that we'd look at the month's budget.  I find myself doing that all the time.  Anyway...

Have you (or has your accountant) already filed?  I believe you can ask for an installment agreement. Your accountant should know how to do that.  If approved (and of course, you'd have to get that Monday or Tuesday), then you'd owe whatever the agreed upon amount is for the first installment.  I don't know exactly how that works, though of course you could pay it off sooner or keep paying each installment as agreed.  IIRC, the agreement forestalls the standard 0.5% per month penalty.

Now, I'm not saying you should do this, but if the late payment penalty is still 0.5% per month, you could pay less than 30 days late and accrue only that month's penalty on the $2000 owed.  The credit card fee seems higher than that, but you'd have it on your permanent credit record that you were delinquent on taxes.

If you haven't filed yet, you can file for an extension (I can't remember how long, but I think it's 4 or 5 months).  The thing is that you must pay the estimated amount of taxes you owe because there's no extension for that, so the late payment penalty would apply regardless.

IMO, your best bet is to ask for an installment plan and state plainly that your spouse just died.  I'm not one to "play the widow card" for no reason--but this is a darn good reason to ask for sympathy and understanding.  You'd likely be able to have an installment plan in place quickly (hope, hope).

Fingers crossed that you can get this set quickly and have a little breathing room.  Boy do I understand the utter "Whose bright idea was this?" of having property taxes due in April and December (in our state at least).  Only the two months of the year when we already have other big expenses! Argh!

I'm sending positive thoughts and keeping you in my heart tonight.

[KayC]

Very good advice, Annie!

[Bruce A]

Today would have been my wife’s 58th birthday. Her mom passed at 57 and she always talked about making it to her 58th birthday. I just called my brother by my wife’s name and started crying again.

If you can die from a broken heart I don’t know but I miss her so much.

Kate Bush has always been one of my favorite artists and I was thinking last night of the song ‘Running up that Hill’.

If I only could, I’d make a deal with God and I’d get him to swap our places.

[Bruce A]

I just wanted to say that this is absolutely not directed at anyone on here. Everyone has been incredibly kind to me. This is about all the people who keep calling and texting me saying  “you’ll get through this” or “god has a plan”.  Well if god has a plan it’s the shi#&$#tiest plan ever. I thought it might get better but I get worse everyday. I can’t stop crying. I can’t believe she isn’t coming back. I cannot and never could take being alone. I really don’t know what to do

[KayC]

One day at a time, Bruce, it'll lighten up eventually, I know you can't see that right now, I wouldn't expect you to, trust me, it took me years.  I pray for you and I hate when people attribute things to God He has nothing to do with (complicated theology) and I know how angry that must make you feel, I felt the same when newly grieving, probably the first year or so!  
Avoiding the Cliches of Grief
Cliches - answers to
What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief
https://themighty.com/topic/grief/what-to-say-to-someone-whos-grieving/

[Bruce A]

I know no one has an answer. If we did we wouldn’t need to be on this forum. Because of my depression I had trouble just getting through a day when my wife was here. She literally was the only thing holding me to this life. My only reason for getting up every day. She would say thanks for being here with me every day. My dog is all I have now. There there are no words for the agony I am feeling.

[widower2]

On 4/15/2023 at 3:31 PM, Bruce A said:

If I only could, I’d make a deal with God and I’d get him to swap our places.

I've thought that many times and so can relate. Frankly she deserves to be here so much more anyway. 

 

4 hours ago, Bruce A said:

I just wanted to say that this is absolutely not directed at anyone on here. Everyone has been incredibly kind to me. This is about all the people who keep calling and texting me saying  “you’ll get through this” or “god has a plan”.  Well if god has a plan it’s the shi#&$#tiest plan ever. I thought it might get better but I get worse everyday. I can’t stop crying. I can’t believe she isn’t coming back. I cannot and never could take being alone. I really don’t know what to do

Bruce your posts sound a lot like me in those early days of this bleeping dark journey (including having just my/our dog to cling to). I'm so sorry. I know it seems impossible now, but you can survive this. If I can, you can. And I know this is a tired cliche but it's true: one day at a time. Try not to think about tomorrow or next week or whatever...try to just focus on how to make it through the day you're in. That's enough. This never gets easy, but it does get easiER. Hold on. And hopefully this site can help you, as it did me and many others. 

 

[Bruce A]

57 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Bruce,

God has a plan to help you through this.  This was not God, we die because of evil. (Evil in the world not our loved ones) That was not his idea.

That said, we may "get through this" but it ain't easy and I don't believe we ever get over it...we get to a place where we can function and have a peace about it. 

I lean on the idea that what lies ahead is awesome...but this will never be that.

Brother, I pray for you as well as all of us who are on here.  But  I am having a real sucky time also.  

You know those who have not experienced this...have no clue.   I'm looking for others near me...I'll start with my support group and keep coming here.

I've accepted she's not coming back.  I'm looking forward to joining her...In God's time.

Love ya bro,

Prayers 

Gator

Thanks for the encouragement. I made it through today although there were times when I didn’t know how I could. Thanks for all of the prayers. I love all you guys and I am praying for you too.

[KayC]

We are praying, even when you don't know it, sometimes I wonder if that's all that holds us up...

[Bruce A]

On 4/13/2023 at 9:59 PM, Gator M said:

It's only been 3 months for me.

I always welcome prayers.

I've left this in God's hands because I'm spent.

Amen to this. I am so mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. By nighttime i can’t bear the thought that I have to get up the next day and it will be the same thing, still alone.

I wish everyone I know would just Google what not to say to a grieving person. I am so tired of hearing their feeble attempts to act concerned and I am no longer up to giving answers they want to hear.

Today my nephew said he and his wife were going to come over and cook dinner. Now it has turned into I have to cook something. Before all this happened because of my depression on my best day I was never ‘happy’ or ‘okay’. Everyone I know knew this but they still expect me to now somehow act normal. 
If one more person I know says they know exactly what I am going through I don’t what I am liable to say and I don’t care right now. 

[KayC]

Send them this:
What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief
What to Say/Not to

[Bruce A]

31 minutes ago, KayC said:

Send them this:
What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief
What to Say/Not to

I would like to but so many of them would take offense. As sad as it is I don’t want to alienate anyone and believe me some of them would be offended if I sent that to them.

[Bruce A]

2 hours ago, Gator M said:

I'd like to find a grief singles group...not to date...to hang out....I've yet to find one.

And this week has been exhausting just to get out of bed.  I don't know how long I can keep this up?

This may be my life now...but it ain't living.

I hear you man.

[widower2]

4 hours ago, Gator M said:

I'd like to find a grief singles group...not to date...to hang out....I've yet to find one.

Have you checked meetup.com?

Quote

 

And this week has been exhausting just to get out of bed.  I don't know how long I can keep this up?

This may be my life now...but it ain't living.

 

I get that. The upside is it does get easier, but - and I know you don't want to hear this and I'm not crazy about saying it - the reality is that this takes time. And there's no pat answer to "how much?" It varies for everyone. But I think if you talk to any of us long-timers, with rare exception as most we'll tell you while it's still no picnic, it's nowhere near as hard now as it was in those early days. Time doesn't heal all wounds (wow I hate that saying), but it does soften the edges.

[Bruce A]

Has anyone had the situation of whether to stay in your house or move after a loved one passes? I’m not sure what to do. We lived our whole married life together in this house. 

[LMR]

4 hours ago, Bruce A said:

Has anyone had the situation of whether to stay in your house or move after a loved one passes? I’m not sure what to do. We lived our whole married life together in this house. 

Bruce, if you can, wait. I lost my loved one during the covid lock downs so initially I had no choice. My only family are in UK and I wasn't able to travel. A whole year passed, almost it seemed in the blink of an eye. Then my sister got a cancer diagnosis. The first chance I got I packed up everything and flew to UK. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I regret it now. Not the coming to be with my sister but I wish I had kept my home.  Half our belongings I ended up giving away. I did bring a lot with me but not the furniture. 

It's ok here and my sister is doing well. I pray it stays that way. Now, midway into my third year I want to go back. I miss the memories of our life together, being surrounded by a place we loved. 30 years almost in that particular home. I miss HOME.

I know it's not an easy decision but what might seem a comfortable choice today may not seem that way later. It takes so much longer than we expect, and don't let anyone bully you into a decision. (You don't have to cook either!)

You can only follow your heart, just don't rush it.