Why am I still here?

[KayC]

The rule of thumb is wait a year before making major decisions...I'd extend that to at least three, I was in no position to make major decision a year in.  However, there are exceptions, when someone can't afford where they're at or need help because their spouse was their caregiver...there's usually exceptions to rules but generally speaking, give yourself ample time to get used to being alone there and see how you're doing later on.  My friend lost her husband Feb. 4, she's not someone that likes being alone and is considering taking in a roommate or guests.  Not me, I missed George but have gotten to like my alone time, barring him being back...it never felt an invasion of privacy with him here, you know?  We went together so well, I miss him but nothing is going to change that...

[Bruce A]

My brother didn’t come over so I have been alone all day. I don’t know what to do and I have been crying all day. My whole existence was sitting here all day waiting for Patti to come home and save me from myself. Now there is no one I know who cares. The only thing in this world I couldn’t face was being alone. I am in such pain and despair.

[RichS]

Bruce:  You're never totally alone when you're on this board.

[MichiganDaniel]

I had a bad day also, Bruce. Not as bad as bad as yours, probably, because I went into work. But affter covid, Fridays are still work at home for most people. After only two months, I know that  I do better when I give myself permission to put all the memories and old habits in a box, tell myself she would want me to be happy, and pretend that I can hold my head up and smile. I couldn’t do that today. Grumpy and low all day until I could get back home so I could pick up her picture, hug it tight, and cry.

I thought I was doing better. It’s like a stock ticker: Up then down and up and down, hoperfully trending more up than down as a trend.

The alone is hard. I know it’s not the same, but we care, and if we were all in the same place we wouldn’t have to be alone as much. I’m trying to believe that solitude isn’t the same as lonliness. It all depends on our mental outlook. Some days I have that, other days I’m back in the hospital all over again. 

[KayC]

Sometimes all we can do is care.  It may not seem like enough, but it's all we have...

[Bruce A]

Thank you everyone. I am retired and just sit here all day. I have never been a talker except with Patti. She really was my everything in every way.

[Bruce A]

I am making some brownies because that’s what Patti would have done for me. She always knew when I needed a treat,

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Bruce A said:

I am making some brownies because that’s what Patti would have done for me.

I love that!  Part of our self care and being kind to ourselves.

[Bruce A]

2 minutes ago, Gator M said:

If I were retired I'd  travel...go see friends and family but that's not for everyone.

I also look to occupy my mind with movies and YouTube.  I find some of the widower (there aren't many) movies and shows really help and so do heaven movies.  The love stories are crushing...I avoid those.

We were planning on going on trips when Patti felt better. But unfortunately that never happened. Right after she passed I thought about throwing Raelyn in the car and just getting the hell away from here.
Movies right now are difficult because every one I have we watched together and right now I don’t think I could get through one, hopefully in the future. We have a nice theater room in the basement which is part of the reason I want to stay in this house.
Music has always been my refuge from life but I haven’t listened to any since she passed.

[Bruce A]

19 minutes ago, Gator M said:

You might try a trip.  Hang out with guys who understand if possible.

I can't do music right now.  I even struggle in church.

Again, I wish some of us were near by. 

I don’t really have any friends. I have never been a social person by any means and if it wasn’t for my wife I probably would have never left the house. The only time Patti and I were apart in our 23 years of marriage was the couple of times she was in the hospital. 
Yes I wish we were closer and could all hang out.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Bruce A said:

Movies right now are difficult because every one I have we watched together

I canceled my t.v. for years after George died.  Could not do that...

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

I can't do music right now.  I even struggle in church.

That was esp. hard for me at first.  
"Our music" is still too hard.

[Bruce A]

It has been a month and half since I lost my wife. When you love someone. When your lives are so tied together. Everything you shared together. The highs, the joy, the lows, every single thing I look at and every single  memory I have. And when your other half dies it becomes yours to carry and keep alone. And it is that massive, unmanageable weight…that’s what grief is. That’s despair. And I have had enough of despair. I have tried to get through this but I have come to the conclusion that I can’t live without her. I don’t know what is going to happen. Right now I know I won’t leave my dog but I just can’t do this.

[Bruce A]

23 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Do you have anyone you can talk to?  Counselor?

It's been 4 months for me and it truly sux.  I find talking with family and friends who are willing to listen very helpful.  But the time I'm not working or talking is crushing.

I look for things to distract me...this site, You Tube, Netflix... I can't do heavy reading or music.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to. My brother was coming over a couple times a week but now he went out of town for two weeks. He doesn’t really listen to me anyway. I mean someone who actually cares about what you are going through, nobody. Either they tell you they know what you are going through or they have nothing to say. Even my niece and nephew don’t contact me at all. And they all live in the area. We were so good to those kids especially my wife who treated them better than their own mother. I have no friends.

I know I probably I said this before but she really was my only friend and my whole life. We spent every moment together for 23 years. So every memory I have is a memory with her.

[RichS]

59 minutes ago, Bruce A said:

And when your other half dies it becomes yours to carry and keep alone. And it is that massive, unmanageable weight…that’s what grief is. That’s despair. And I have had enough of despair.

Bruce:  Everyone on this board is a living testimony of what you're going through. We have been there, we've all had the same feelings (how can I go on without him or her for the rest of my life---I had the same passing thought this afternoon). We're all still here. So will you. We all struggled with our grief (some days are easier than others). So will you. Also, remember that the members on this board are your anchor and each others anchors. We're always here for you and each other. None of us are ever alone. All we have to do is reach out and some one here will be there to listen, sympathize and console you.  Our prayers are with you, always.

 

 

[KayC]

Bruce, you are new in this and I encourage you to try and get out now and then, maybe biweekly, take walks, take in nature, maybe join something that can get you acquainted with others and out of your house and self...I've had friends that took up bird watching, I enjoy nature, find someone to hike with, anything you may enjoy. There are so many activities it helps to explore what you might like and meanwhile you'll get to know others along the way.

I'm sorry your nieces and nephews aren't there for you, but they are young and with their friends/family doing what they do.  I had no one there for me either when I went through it, it was rough, esp. his death day, being Father's Day everyone is off celebrating with their family so I've gone through those "anniversaries of death" alone.  I visit with neighbors, often you'll see them doing something and they might like a hand at it (building a fence, doing yardwork, planting plants) or bringing over cookies and introducing myself, sometimes just watching what they're watching on tv.  I am ALONE and these interactions all help.  So does coming here, reading/posting.  Here we get it and it's a safe place to be, to let out your feelings.

No one replaces our spouse and we feel the missing them so keenly, but eventually it settles into kind of a dull ache instead of the screaming monster inside of us, something we can carry better.  My heart goes out to you, I know with more time under our belts it helps but how do we survive meanwhile was my nagging question!

[Bruce A]

It has been 2 months since I lost Patti. I knew at some point everyone would go back to living their lives and only text when it’s convenient for them. I think everyone believes that I should just be okay by now. I am just so tired. I’m tired of having to think of what to eat. Tired of having to try to go shopping for myself. And most of all tired of being alone. Talking to people doesn’t really help. In the end when it’s 10 o’clock at night and I am sitting here alone again still missing her so much I don’t want to be here anymore.

[RichS]

3 minutes ago, Bruce A said:

I think everyone believes that I should just be okay by now.

Of course they do. I'm betting that none of them have had any serious loss such as we've all experienced. I'm not surprised that you feel tired. Most days I feel that way. If I need to get things done it's best for me to do it in the morning. My energy starts to drop off by 2:00 or 3:00 PM. On those days I'll start tending to my hobby or run an errand. That will help break the monotony. Care taking keeps me on my toes as well. As hard as that can be at times, without that, I'd be drifting along in life, which I try to avoid.

[Bruce A]

2 hours ago, RichS said:

I'd be drifting along in life

That is exactly how I feel most of the time. I know she isn’t coming back but some part of my brain is just waiting for her to come walking back in.

[RichS]

Bruce:  If I remember, several weeks ago you were given some information on social/senior services located in Plainfield. Was any of it helpful to you?

[Bruce A]

5 hours ago, RichS said:

Bruce:  If I remember, several weeks ago you were given some information on social/senior services located in Plainfield. Was any of it helpful to you?

I guess it helps some talking to people. But all they really do is listen to you and as I’ve said, no one is going to take your pain away or tell you how you are supposed to deal with the loneliness.

[Sheilz]

Bruce

I've read every post on this thread & can understand completely how you feel.  I'm going through every one of those feelings and it's devastating, debilitating & heartbreaking.  I'm only a month or so into this journey & not sure how much more I can handle.  Seems like going backwards is what's happening.  Like you said... Can you die from a broken heart?????  

I have looked at all the suggestions here & have taken each one to heart.  I even wrote them all down & will check them off as needed.  I'm trying so darn hard to keep my head above water.  The will to give up is so strong but we need to keep trying because our soul mate would want us to be ok.  They want us to remember the good times (& cry) but never forget them.  They are now part of who we are.  I don't want to lose that.  

I haven't seen another post from you and wondered how you are.  Please post here because we all care & know exactly how you feel.   Life sux.  We found each other through mutual pain.... a journey none of us wants.... but we are here.  We are here for each other & the caring helps.  Sending you hugs.

[KayC]

@Sheilz That was the last time he was here, according to his profile.  I'm sure he'll be back sometime and when he is, it'll be nice to see your concern.

[Bruce A]

2 hours ago, Sheilz said:

haven't seen another post from you and wondered how you are.  Please post here because we all care & know exactly how you feel.   Life sux.  We found each other through mutual pain.... a journey none of us wants.... but we are here.  We are here for each other & the caring helps.  Sending you hugs.

I am still here. Only because I promised my dog Raelyn I wouldn’t leave her. It has been two and a half months and nothing is getting any easier. Already suffering from severe clinical depression makes everything far more difficult than if I was a normal person. I was just thinking yesterday that when my wife was at work and I was having a particularly bad day she would always call and say “I’ll be home soon” and that always got me through the day. Now I don’t have anything. I don’t know what others go through I only know what I am going through and I just can’t do it alone. No one i know really cares what I am going through. They have stopped calling and now I just get an occasional text. At 62 I know I am not going to magically find someone to help me through this. I don’t post much because feeling like I do I don’t think I would be any help to anyone.

[Bruce A]

30 minutes ago, Gator M said:

 

I WILL downsize as soon as I can and simplify.

I am looking to downsize also. I know people say they want to hold on to a place where they spent their lives together. I am not like that. I am just in a big house full of empty rooms and everything here reminds me of what I lost. I can’t even go in the room where she passed. I just keep the door closed and avoid it. 
Like you I am just existing, waiting for God to bring me and Raelyn home. People keep telling me that Patti would want me to keep going but I don’t believe that. She would often say she knew I didn’t want to be here but thanked me for staying with her.

When she was here I had a reason to get through the day. Now I have nothing.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Bruce A said:

I don’t post much because feeling like I do I don’t think I would be any help to anyone.

It's okay to post how you're feeling...it's good to express yourself and there are others feeling this too. (((hugs)))

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Bruce A said:

I don’t post much because feeling like I do I don’t think I would be any help to anyone.

I think we're all here as companions in grief. Much of what grievers write are honest, unrestricted expressions from the heart...expressions of pain that need to be released and many of those expressions can match what the rest of us may feel. It sounds strange but having others express in details of how I might be feeling in that moment is helpful. 

[Sheilz]

3 hours ago, Bruce A said:

I don’t post much because feeling like I do I don’t think I would be any help to anyone.

You don't have to post to be of help... just to let your feelings out, vent, scream or whatever.  It helps to know you aren't alone in how you are feeling.  At least it does to me.  I'm of no help to anyone at this point.  But knowing people feel the same way or have been down this crappy road makes me feel better.

3 hours ago, Gator M said:

I WILL downsize as soon as I can and simplify.

I'm someone that needs to downsize but can't think of that yet.  I don't want to leave our "life" together.  It makes me sad to be here but I "need" to be here if that makes any sense.  

[Sparky1]

14 hours ago, Bruce A said:

Now I don’t have anything. I don’t know what others go through I only know what I am going through and I just can’t do it alone. No one i know really cares what I am going through. They have stopped calling and now I just get an occasional text. At 62 I know I am not going to magically find someone to help me through this

Wow Bruce, it's like you took the thoughts right out of my head. I'm the same age too and I only have an old dog that is on her last legs literally to keep me company. Almost all friends magically disappeared, even the kids vanished. I get the odd call from the younger one, the other two I guess are waiting for me to go so they can cash in. It definitely is a tough journey and yes, it would be nice for  emotional support to help get through the journey, but at this age it would be like finding a needle in a haystack. I guess we just have to hang in and try to get by the best we can.

[DWS]

On 5/30/2023 at 11:33 AM, Gator M said:

There are several on YouTube you might try..."Traveling with Jack and Pam"  Jack Church is a widower and alone.  

I discovered Jack's video channel early in my grief too. His postings of his grieving heart and lost journey resonated so greatly with me. Totally unscripted...awkward at times...not giving us valiant platitudes and positives like "you got this". Just a man sharing his grief as the days rolled along and allowing the rest of us to see and feel some comfort knowing that there is someone out there who is speaking our language. 

[Bruce A]

So as I was sitting here thinking about how I don’t want to be here anymore without my wife like I do everyday. A idea occurred to me. If God is listening here is my proposal. When he takes your loved one away you should get the option of going to heaven with them. Or if you want to stay you can do that. Personally I know which choice I would make.

[Sheilz]

If I had the choice right now, there wouldn't even be a choice.  I've done lots of pleading to let me be united with Brian but here I am.... getting more & more depressed as the days go on.  I'm trying to hang on for dear life but the memories & loneliness are so heavy to carry around.  I just want Brian to come home..... or let me join him.

1 hour ago, Bruce A said:

Personally I know which choice I would make.

I hope in a couple years from now I will be ok with the fact that I didn't have a choice.  

[KayC]

If it was only 20 years, I'd just have two to go but I'm afraid I have another 22...
Best to get used to what is and make the best of it, imo, no easy feat, it's a process.

[KayC]

I'm not lonely in particular, just missing HIM!  We were so perfect together, my person...

[Sheilz]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I'm not lonely in particular, just missing HIM!  We were so perfect together, my person...

Yes... I am just missing HIM!!!!  My everything, my other half of my heart & soul.  I don't feel whole without him.  I'm lonely without him but even if I'm with someone, I'm lonely without him.  I just miss him to the point of unfunctioning.  Please Please let this get easier. 

44 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Missing vs Lonely?  

But we all are there...and understand.

Sadly, yes...

[KayC]

I hope you understand what I mean, there is a difference.  I've become more introverted over the years and love the sanctity of my own home/neighborhood.  But there is someone missing that I loved sharing it with...

[Bruce A]

1 hour ago, Sheilz said:

Yes... I am just missing HIM!!!!  My everything, my other half of my heart & soul.  I don't feel whole without him.  I'm lonely without him but even if I'm with someone, I'm lonely without him.  I just miss him to the point of unfunctioning.  Please Please let this get easier.

I wouldn’t say I know exactly how what you are going through but I would say it sounds pretty close to what I am experiencing. I think I have already posted about my wife being my whole world. You go from having someone to talk with every day who understood you, shared every memory with and looked forward to being with into the future. And yes I am so very lonely, no one to talk to anymore.

I truly hope it gets easier for you. As for me I absolutely know that it won’t.  I’m just waiting for this world to end so I can go and be with my soulmate.

[KayC]

1 minute ago, Bruce A said:

I think I have already posted about my wife being my whole world. You go from having someone to talk with every day who understood you, shared every memory with and looked forward to being with into the future.

This sums it up.

[RichS]

3 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I don't feel whole without him.  I'm lonely without him but even if I'm with someone, I'm lonely without him.

I feel the same about my wife. Even though I don't live alone, everything looks the same but feels different.

[RichS]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

If it was only 20 years, I'd just have two to go but I'm afraid I have another 22...
Best to get used to what is and make the best of it, imo, no easy feat, it's a process.

Yes, and that's what goes through my mind every day. I've had to deal with this for close to a year. How do I continue on for 10, 20 years or more? Back to coping "one day at time." It's more manageable that way.

[Bruce A]

12 minutes ago, RichS said:

Back to coping "one day at time." It's more manageable that way.

I wish I could do that. Because of my anxiety I have always worried about everything no matter if it was today or 6 months from today. It just makes me miss my wife even more. She always said don’t worry about things, I’m here with you and it will be alright. She always eased my burden and took on the worries herself. Now it is all on me.

[RichS]

Bruce:  To give you a fair picture, I have been taking anti-depressants for the past 12 years; so I'm not getting this done without some aid. Not sure if you're on any medication. If not, maybe your doctor can recommend something to ease your anxiety.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Bruce A said:

Because of my anxiety I have always worried about everything

Can I relate!  I read about a culture that appointed one man to live outside the village and they called him the Sin Eater, they'd leave food out for him and he'd come in during the night to get it. I reckoned I could be the "worry eater!"  Give me anything and I can worry about it! Between the anxiety and sleep meds I do better now.

I finally got anxiety meds Buspirone (Buspar), no side effects, will be on this for life. I just takes the edge off so I can cope. 

1 hour ago, RichS said:

Back to coping "one day at time.

 

[Bruce A]

1 hour ago, RichS said:

Not sure if you're on any medication

I have been on medication for a long time. Unfortunately I can’t turn my brain off and the worrying never stops. The only time I get a break is when I fall asleep (yes I have medication for that too) and stay in bed. I usually stay in bed until 11 or 11:30. Unfortunately I can only lay there until my brain starts worrying again. Then I have to get up and face the day and it all starts again.

There is a scene in the movie The Joker where his therapist asks him if he is having any negative thoughts and he says “all I have are negative thoughts”. That is my life now that my wife is no longer here to help me. It is a horrible feeling that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

[Bruce A]

2 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Yeah...you heard it all before but I'm praying for you.  I hope the Lord can grant you peace from both your worries and your loss.

Thanks Gator. You always have something thing positive to say.

[Bruce A]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

I've actually thought I might have been too negative for some.

I do, however believe you can and will get through this. 

I don’t know that I will get through this. I went out to dinner with my brother and his wife and all they did was talk about their problems. I saw an older couple having dinner together and all I could think is that should have been me and Patti 10 years from now. I had to keep  myself from crying tight there. I waited until I got home and I can’t stop cry. 
I waited my whole life just to find someone I could go out to dinner with on a Saturday and now she is gone.

God better take me and Raelyn soon because I am in such anguish that I really don’t want to be here. There is nothing to keep me here. I know my wife and our dogs are waiting for me. Especially Cooper and Leo. Maybe they can ask God to bring me home.

[Sheilz]

6 hours ago, Gator M said:

My wife liked Delta 8.

Gummies?  They have 25mg - 100mg.  This is all greek to me but I am interested in this because it's not a pharmaceutical.  

[Sheilz]

4 hours ago, Gator M said:

I also believe I will...but I know my life will NEVER be the same and it will suck for a LONG time.

I hope your about about getting through this. Sometimes it seems doubtful.   And I know you're right about life NEVER being the same & will suck for a LONG time.

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

I have no one to share my life with...and don't want to face this world solo.

Ditto... No longer belonging to a couples world is so lonely.  I just want to hit the rewind button & go back.  

[Bruce A]

2 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I just want to hit the rewind button & go back.  

Exactly. That is what I keep thinking but you put it into words. I keep thinking somehow I am going to wake up from this nightmare and things will be back to the way the were. I yell at God every day that I want my wife back.

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, RichS said:

Yes, and that's what goes through my mind every day. I've had to deal with this for close to a year. How do I continue on for 10, 20 years or more? Back to coping "one day at time." It's more manageable that way.

Not to be too flippant, but "Ding-ding-ding!"  That's the answer right there.  I'm fast approaching 5 years and it's still mostly one-day-at-a-time.  Over the past couple of years, I have been able to make specific plans up to a few months ahead, particularly for special events (the first family wedding since, our sister-by-choice and brother-by-choice having milestone birthdays, etc.). 

But I still wake up each morning and have just a split second (used to be longer) when I forget.  Of course, with Miss Cosi waking me early in the summer months now, it's a little different.  She pokes, tickles my hair, kisses my hand or arm and I can't help but drag my often sad self out of bed.

To this day, I have "bad day, all day" times.  I rarely get all the daily items off my ever growing, never ending list.  I just don't care quite enough sometimes.  I know in my heart and soul that my deep grief over losing John, my missing him, will be with me the rest of my life.  For me, looking too far down the road is not only counter-productive, it's harmful to my mental health.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm fast approaching 5 years and it's still mostly one-day-at-a-time. 

18 for me Father's Day June 19, yay, I get to remember on both days! (sarcasm) so that's today/tomorrow...and I STILL do one day at a time!