Why am I still here?

[Sheilz]

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

But I still wake up each morning and have just a split second (used to be longer) when I forget.

Yup... every morning and then the sucker punch happens & reality hits.  I'm trying so hard for this "one day at a time" but the days are getting harder to get through.  Sometimes there doesn't even seem to be a reason to get through them but I try & try & try.  I just hope all this effort will pay off and I'm able to function a bit without crying.  What a terrible terrible thing that has happened to us.  Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought life would ever ever be so heartbreakingly sad.  But I guess I should have know because I was so in love & happy but never thought of there never being an "us".  

So on with the "day at a time" but right now it's "hour at a time".

[Bruce A]

3 hours ago, Sheilz said:

What a terrible terrible thing that has happened to us.  Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought life would ever ever be so heartbreakingly sad

People keep telling me that it’s part of God’s plan. Or my brothers favorite, God is in control. I haven’t read the Bible lately but I thought God always told people why he was giving them such a horrible burden. I keep asking God to give me an answer to why he has given me this unbearable burden but I get nothing.

3 hours ago, Gator M said:

I'm going through a rough patch also...I'm struggling.

Prayers 

I’m praying for you Gator.

[MichiganDaniel]

5 hours ago, Sheilz said:

So on with the "day at a time" but right now it's "hour at a time".

Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Especially on the weekend. It would be easier if I had something meaningful to do. I grudgingly do the necessities. Laundry. Groceries. I work. I get paid. I pay bills. Every day around and around the cul-de-sac with no way out and no where to go.

I have some small meaning here. Posting my experience so that someone else might feel slightly less alone and lost.

It all feels so self indulgent. There are so many things I could do to help others, do something meaningful, volunteer, fix a small part of the world. Climb another mountain. Solve more social mazes. Or I could just go back to bed and let another day drain away in meaningless misery. Maybe next time.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Sheilz said:

right now it's "hour at a time".

You aren't even a month in yet...of course it is, in the beginning it's a minute at a time. 

[Sheilz]

1 hour ago, MichiganDaniel said:

Or I could just go back to bed and let another day drain away in meaningless misery. Maybe next time.

Omg this is me.  

 

26 minutes ago, KayC said:

You aren't even a month in yet...of course it is, in the beginning it's a minute at a time. 

Thank you for reminding me that I'm still in the early stages of this journey.  But the sorrow is so deep & the crying is so intense that I worry.  Thank you for the reminder.  Hugs.

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, MichiganDaniel said:

There are so many things I could do to help others, do something meaningful, volunteer, fix a small part of the world.

And I'll bet some day you will, but that time is not now.  You're still so very early in your grief.  It's bound to be overwhelming and debilitating and just a deep, dark pain.

For the first many months, I was a virtual hermit.  I saw only immediate family and dearest friends.  Even with them, I was limited in how much I could handle.  Being in a room with people who love John and me, I so often felt alone.  I know I'm lucky in that I had and still have amazing small circles of friends and family (local and a few hours distance in our "home town").  Even with that support, I lived one day, one hour, sometimes even one breath at a time.

It took a good 2 years before I was able to fully embrace the world again.  A changed world for a changed me.  By then, we were in the midst of COVID, so progress was slow.  Today, I am able to engage with a life I am forging one step at a time and which includes helping others, volunteering at our local animal shelters as a "cat visitor" (interacting with various cats to help them open up and trust or trust again), and being part of the larger community.  It did not happen overnight and there were times I was certain I would never be able to move forward even one step.  Being here helped me so much.  I hope it helps you too.  You are not alone.

[Sheilz]

6 hours ago, Gator M said:

I'm going through a rough patch also...I'm struggling.

The struggle is real.  The pain & sorrow is unrelenting.  I know everyone's grief journey is unique to their own self... but how much can a person take before their heart just breaks in two.  

Prayers for all of us.

[WithoutHer]

3 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

But the sorrow is so deep & the crying is so intense that I worry

Sheilz I'm just over 4 months in and the loss of Vickie hurts just as deep and the tears flow every day. This is the most difficult experience in life to deal with. They say my 4 months is still not far in and I still feel the same as you. This is a very rough road and while we share with each other and know we are not alone in our loss it doesn't reduce the pain. I find every day difficult and doing this alone I see no change ahead. I have no potential support that I have interest in pursuing but suggest any one who does to try and take hold of it and hope it helps.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

It took a good 2 years before I was able to fully embrace the world again.  A changed world for a changed me.

I know we all get through our own grieving journeys over different time frames. I'm not quite a year yet; but I'll make a mental bookmark and see how I feel by next fall.

[Sheilz]

3 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I find every day difficult and doing this alone I see no change ahead. I have no potential support that I have interest in pursuing but suggest any one who does to try and take hold of it and hope it helps.

I'm new to this (5 weeks) and I see no change either, in fact I feel worse.  I have no support really & I have no interest in pursuing anything yet.  I need to find something (anything)... even if it's just to take my mind somewhere else just for a hour or so.  I can't even concentrate on tv yet.  But we keep pushing forward I guess.  But I do wonder for what.  Hugs to us all.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, RichS said:

I know we all get through our own grieving journeys over different time frames. I'm not quite a year yet; but I'll make a mental bookmark and see how I feel by next fall.

That's a good idea, though I suppose I think that way because I did similar things.  Often I didn't realize I'd taken tiny steps forward until I looked back and "saw" them. 

I'm more settled into the life I have now.  For me, it started in my third year, but it wasn't until this past year that I was able to embrace the notion of happiness.  It's a smaller, different kind of happiness to be sure and I know I'll never feel happy in the same way.  The thing is that I no longer feel guilty that I've ever so slowly found it. 

I didn't use to want to go on living.  I was never suicidal; I just didn't care about staying in this life.  Now I actually want to be here for our daughter and granddaughter, for my young, active rescue cat Cosi (never mind that I intended to adopt an older, sedate cat; she claimed me and that was that), for my family and friends, and to finish figuring out why I am still here too.  I think there must be a reason, but I stopped asking "Why?" about most things a long time ago.  IMO, we won't get those answers in this life.  I suspect that by the time we get to the next life, we won't need them.

[Bruce A]

3 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I can't even concentrate on tv yet. 

I can’t tell you it is going to get easier. It has been two and a half months and I am still devastated.  I loved watching hockey so after my wife passed I would just put hockey on tv. Somehow just listening to the announcers talking gave me a small comfort as if it was friends talking in the background. It wasn’t much but it was something.
Maybe just put the tv on in the background. Maybe I’m crazy but even if you are not paying attention it seems to occupy some small part of your brain instead of just being in silence. Or maybe a talk radio station. I know I can’t just sit in silence or I would want to start ripping my hair out. Will it solve your issue? Nothing can do that unfortunately. As far as watching regular tv shows I still can’t. I can’t even concentrate enough to watch anything.

I would also say, maybe down the road try getting a shelter dog. If it wasn’t for my Raelyn I wouldn’t still be here. Somehow having another life depending on me gives me some mental relief. And the love that we share helps get me through some very long days.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I can't even concentrate on tv yet.

I canceled my t.v. for a few years, couldn't read for pleasure for ten years. It definitely affected my ability to focus.

13 hours ago, Sheilz said:

but how much can a person take before their heart just breaks in two.  

Apparently a lot as I'm still here...

7 hours ago, Bruce A said:

Somehow having another life depending on me gives me some mental relief. And the love that we share helps get me through some very long days.

I felt the same and am so glad I adopted the pets I have over the years.  They've helped me beyond measure.

Annie, I relate..

[MichiganDaniel]

10 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I'm new to this (5 weeks) and I see no change either, in fact I feel worse. 

The hospital was like trying to steer an avalance. Falling uncontrolled. Chaotic and frightening. Next came the river rapids. All you can do is hold on. There’s not much control here either. We just have to ride it. I had a counselor tell me to expect that phase to be eight months or more.

Eight months of this? That was near devastating to hear that. This much pain for that long? But it’s not as intense. It does smooth a bit. But I have several months to go and still so much crying like an angey toddler.

I want to get through this, but I don’t even know where I’m going. Will I someday? Probably. For now, I just do the necessities: laundry, groceries, bills. Yes, it will get better. I will adjust to being an emotional amputee. I will cope and I will move on. But mostly I still feel what is missing. 

[RichS]

34 minutes ago, MichiganDaniel said:

I want to get through this, but I don’t even know where I’m going. Will I someday? Probably. For now, I just do the necessities: laundry, groceries, bills. Yes, it will get better. I will adjust to being an emotional amputee. I will cope and I will move on. But mostly I still feel what is missing. 

For me it's been 10 months and I feel much the same as you do. You and I also have another thing in common: THIS BOARD-----which we use as a coping tool; because of the people who share their knowledge and experience and offer sympathy and comfort in these tough, crazy days of our lives..........................

[RichS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Somehow having another life depending on me gives me some mental relief. And the love that we share helps get me through some very long days.

I can certainly relate to that. In our house we have 3 1/2 men (the cat is a 1/2). Care taking can be challenging on any given day during the week; but at the same time I don't live alone. I also know that we all care for and love each other.

A thought hit me yesterday:  would I trade what I have now for what I had 50 years ago (young, better health, low responsibility?). If things had remained the same for me then, I would have never experienced the love of my wife (for 45 years), my son (born 35 years ago). I've lost my wife but those years are mine to treasure for the rest of my life. The years I had with her can never be taken away from me.  One of the things I've learned over the past year is that grieving is a painful form of love.

[KayC]

50 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I used to tell Ann that my biggest regret was not knowing her earlier in my life. 

We felt the same but we would not have been ready earlier, the things we went through readied us for each other.

 

[WithoutHer]

42 minutes ago, KayC said:

We felt the same but we would not have been ready earlier, the things we went through readied us for each other.

 

Exactly Vickie and I even discussed that. Our past experiences not only prepared us but they brought us together.

[Bruce A]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

We felt the same but we would not have been ready earlier, the things we went through readied us for each other.

My wife and I also felt like this. Unfortunately for me I felt alone or was alone for all of my life before I met Patti. I think I have said before how extremely difficult it was for me being alone. I wasn’t on any medication and being alone fed into my depression and anxiety. Then I met Patti and she pulled me out of my dark hole and got me help for my mental illness. I thought I would never be alone again. But now she is gone and here I am alone in hell again. I feel so lost.

[Sheilz]

8 hours ago, Gator M said:

I used to tell Ann that my biggest regret was not knowing her earlier in my life.   We missed out on so much. 

This is my feelings too.  If we met earlier, neither one of us would have went through the terrible life we had before we met.  And I'm sure if we met earlier in life we would have clicked at first meeting.  It's just something we both knew.  Now the time we had is nowhere near enough to keep me going.  The dreams we had together are over.  Alone sux.

 

10 hours ago, RichS said:

One of the things I've learned over the past year is that grieving is a painful form of love.

And painful it is.  Someone said that the harder you loved the harder the grief.  I think we are all living proof of that statement.

11 hours ago, MichiganDaniel said:

Eight months of this? That was near devastating to hear that.

OMG I can't even think of eight months of this pain, loneliness & heartbreak.  My only hope is that it eases up a little & doesn't control every hour of every day.  

[Sheilz]

10 hours ago, RichS said:

You and I also have another thing in common: THIS BOARD-----which we use as a coping tool; because of the people who share their knowledge and experience and offer sympathy and comfort in these tough, crazy days of our lives..........................

Absolutely my life line.  I'm not sure where I'd be if I didn't have this as a coping tool.  Hugs to all of you.

I had a therapist appt today that was absolutely terrible.  All she wanted to talk about was my childhood.  AND her next available appt is in 5 weeks.  No thanks.

[WithoutHer]

4 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

OMG I can't even think of eight months of this pain, loneliness & heartbreak.  My only hope is that it eases up a little & doesn't control every hour of every day.  

I'm half that yet I feel it's going to control me in just that way.

[RichS]

1 minute ago, Sheilz said:

I had a therapist appt today that was absolutely terrible.  All she wanted to talk about was my childhood.  AND her next available appt is in 5 weeks.  No thanks.

When I went to counseling my therapist often saw a client more than once a week, depending on their situation. You definitely need someone not only to see you more often, but also to focus on your current situation (loss of your partner).

[DWS]

3 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I had a therapist appt today that was absolutely terrible.  All she wanted to talk about was my childhood.  AND her next available appt is in 5 weeks.  No thanks.

Glad to hear that you have the strength and awareness to recognize how un-needed that kind of perusal is. We seek grief therapy to talk about our current loss and grief. We don't seek it to have a therapist examine us to come up with an assessment of how screwed up we are!! I'm sorry you had to endure her wrongful approach. 

[widower2]

I'm sorry but I disagree with/have issues with some of the things listed above ("Go drink some water?" Seriously?) and find it hard to take someone seriously whose intro includes " Let's talk about grief baybeeee. Learning to rest. {ew} Must love dogs. And fishing." She sounds like a valley girl teenager. Like I'm so totally and all like whatever! 

 

[Bruce A]

20 minutes ago, widower2 said:

I'm sorry but I disagree with/have issues with some of the things listed above

I felt the same but I thought maybe it was just me. It seems that there is a proliferation of people nowadays who just want to spout their opinions online whether they are correct or not. As in this case. They say no one can tell you what your grief will be like and then they proceed to contradict themselves by trying to tell you exactly what your grief will be like.
And I’m still waiting for my “moment of joy”.

[widower2]

Yes Bruce and sadly there is no shortage of people trying to draw attention to themselves and/or even make money by being "grief advocates." I'm not saying that's the case above btw, but just a general observation. 

[Bruce A]

2 minutes ago, widower2 said:

draw attention to themselves and/or even make money by being "grief advocates."

When my wife first passed I got all kinds of messages from people saying I should go to this or that group, or go to a grief counselor. But even though they were supposedly free when you looked into it they always wanted money for something. Some of them said it was for a “workbook”. How exactly is a workbook going to help me when I am at the lowest point imaginable. And I’m sorry, but charging people who are in this position for anything is shameful.

[Alone. Again.]

I am nearly six months in and have been waiting for counselling for a long time. 

I had an assessment recently, specifically for grief counselling and interestingly, she said that they do not recommend counselling until at least 5 months after your loss because the grief is just too raw and you're not in a position to benefit from it in those very early days. 

I wonder then what we're meant to do in the meantime, especially for those of us who have had little support from friends and family? Call helplines, join groups or just give in to taking antidepressants the doctors are trying to get you to take? 

There isn't anywhere near enough help out there for us which exacerbates and compounds the hell we're already in. 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I had a therapist appt today that was absolutely terrible.

I am sorry...a grief counselor would have been more apropos but even with them, there's good and there's bad, my first one was bad. I went to 2-3 sessions and it was horrible, he really wasn't a grief counselor although he fancied himself as such, he should have stuck to drug/alcohol, something he knew something about. I remember a book he loaned me, I brought it home and opened it...opening sentence, "I took my wedding ring off..."  I sobbed and closed the book and came back and told him what I thought of it.  He gave me the "moving on" statement...well he did, he and his wife divorced.  She wised up.  I said no thank you also, not as nicely as that.

[Sar123]

Sorry about what I posted yesterday. I’d didn’t mean to offend anyone, but don’t worry. I’ll never post on this site again. 

[shawnt]

Please reconsider. I have been helped by some of your posts.

 

[DWS]

4 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

I am nearly six months in and have been waiting for counselling for a long time. 

I had an assessment recently, specifically for grief counselling and interestingly, she said that they do not recommend counselling until at least 5 months after your loss because the grief is just too raw and you're not in a position to benefit from it in those very early days. 

I wonder then what we're meant to do in the meantime, especially for those of us who have had little support from friends and family? Call helplines, join groups or just give in to taking antidepressants the doctors are trying to get you to take? 

There isn't anywhere near enough help out there for us which exacerbates and compounds the hell we're already in. 

A few months back in a long discussion with my life insurance/financial planning guy, he told me his sister is a psychotherapist and has mentioned something very similar about not taking on clients early in their grief because she feels there is little help that she can offer. That might sound uncompassionate but I imagine she knows that what grief truly needs is just a good listener and friend. For most of our situations, we're not really looking for advice and solutions...or that's something we eventually realize for ourselves...and in actuality, we may start to resent anyone who even tries. 

Looking at it all now, I believe the internet has been a major godsend for us grievers. It allows us to seek out the others who are grieving...the ones living our world right now and speaking our language. The rest of the world is too busy seeking leisure, frolic, and money. I have no idea what people did before the internet other than eventually coping with their feelings alone and muffling the pain. Grief support groups would be helpful but I think that relies on the personalities there and how comfortable one is in that sort of realm. 

[Alone. Again.]

Yes, it made sense to me when she told me that.

You're right, in that grief needs a good listener and a friend, they certainly are difficult to find for some of us though. 

Absolutely, I agree. I have sadly mainly found comfort from strangers and even though I'm truly grateful for that, it would have been nice to have had some support from people I love.

I have no idea how people coped before the Internet. Perhaps just suppress those intense and inner feelings? So unhealthy and sad to think about about.

[DWS]

5 minutes ago, Alone. Again. said:

Absolutely, I agree. I have sadly mainly found comfort from strangers and even though I'm truly grateful for that, it would have been nice to have had some support from people I love.

I've had the same thing happen. What I think is happening there is that strangers are truly meeting us in our moment of grief because that's really all they know about us. That's what they see...a person in distress dealing with a loved one's death...and so they have this automatic response of compassion and caring. At that moment, there is no judgement of who we are as a person or our history.

But those in our lives...well...they do know us. They're there at the start and eventually, their concern starts to wear. They've had enough of us. They have to get back to the trip they're planning or the new couch they need. We're in a different world and it's really only those who know this world that can be helpful. 

[shawnt]

I think that is why we are all here. For myself I realize that because what Suzy and I had was so special and fulfilling I spent most of my time and emotional effort with\on her and maybe ignored or(I hope not) neglected my other relationships.

I prefer to think she was the one I relied on for emotional support (because she knew me inside and out)and that's why others aren't able to offer much comfort.

I also think if you haven't lost the love of your life it is impossible to imagine the agony .

[widower2]

56 minutes ago, DWS said:

A few months back in a long discussion with my life insurance/financial planning guy, he told me his sister is a psychotherapist and has mentioned something very similar about not taking on clients early in their grief because she feels there is little help that she can offer. That might sound uncompassionate but I imagine she knows that what grief truly needs is just a good listener and friend. For most of our situations, we're not really looking for advice and solutions...

  It sounds uncompassionate because it is. How repulsive. Yes, we need a good listener. And any grief therapist with a clue knows to be exactly that. They don't have to give advice or solutions; in fact that's a dumb idea in general, because there is no "solution." This isn't a problem that can be fixed like a broken bicycle. Thank God I was lucky enough to get a good counselor in those early days who didn't spew such ignorance.

 

5 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

I had an assessment recently, specifically for grief counselling and interestingly, she said that they do not recommend counselling until at least 5 months after your loss because the grief is just too raw and you're not in a position to benefit from it in those very early days. 

That's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life. Where do they get these people? Bellevue?

 

 

[DWS]

7 minutes ago, shawnt said:

For myself I realize that because what Suzy and I had was so special and fulfilling I spent most of my time and emotional effort with\on her and maybe ignored or(I hope not) neglected my other relationships.

Loving relationships kind of end up as a paradox in that sense. It becomes central to our lives...the focus...and though we may try, we do neglect others as they "neglect" us as well within the focus of their lives. But the paradox begins when that sweet life of love inevitably ends in agony and despair when one of the pair is taken away...and then, we're left alone with no one who really witnessed it in its entirety other than ourselves.

[DWS]

2 minutes ago, widower2 said:

  It sounds uncompassionate because it is. How repulsive. Yes, we need a good listener. And any grief therapist with a clue knows to be exactly that. They don't have to give advice or solutions; in fact that's a dumb idea in general, because there is no "solution."

That clearly demonstrates the difference between a general psychotherapist and a grief therapist. A psychotherapist's passion (other than the money) is helping someone...putting all of that expensive education and learning to good use. A grief therapist, on the other hand, likely learns that all of that education doesn't prepare them for the grieving heart. I think most grief therapists usually start out as general therapists until they've experienced loss. 

[widower2]

I think they're both have the common goal of helping someone...but whether it's about grief or not, that largely means listening, really listening. In that regard, a good grief therapist is like a good friend. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Sar123 said:

Sorry about what I posted yesterday. I’d didn’t mean to offend anyone, but don’t worry. I’ll never post on this site again. 

I have no idea what you're talking about but I hope you will consider our grief can make us particularly sensitive, so I'd give it more time and consideration before making a sudden decision.  We all need each other!!

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Alone. Again. said:

I have no idea how people coped before the Internet.

I went through it when my kids were babies...I took care of my MIL when she was bedridden with cancer for three years.  I kept up both households, tried to keep the kids quiet as she was in her living room (hospital bed), hosted company, cooked, cleaned, everything.  She was the mom I always wanted and my best friend.  I didn't get the benefit of a grief support group, counseling, relief from duties, anything.  Looking back, I don't know how I did it.  One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.  And anticipatory grief doesn't fully prepare you for the finality of their death.

I discovered my other grief site just three weeks into my grief.  I was a basket case but somehow managed to articulate myself..

[RichS]

1 minute ago, KayC said:

anticipatory grief doesn't fully prepare you for the finality of their death.

Little did I know how true that was from 2016-2022. I didn't know I was going through it until someone who experienced it in their own life told me about it.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

For most of our situations, we're not really looking for advice and solutions

I agree.  We mostly need a listener.  And I hope my tips article doesn't offend anyone, it may, but you never know who until you post it and so many others have been helped by it when they're floundering...and it IS just "tips," not "advice."

 

40 minutes ago, widower2 said:

That's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life. Where do they get these people? Bellevue?

 

[DWS]

4 minutes ago, KayC said:

And I hope my tips article doesn't offend anyone, it may, but you never know who until you post it and so many others have been helped by it when they're floundering...and it IS just "tips," not "advice."

I look at your tips article as a loving array of suggestions and insight. It's a list of helpful and comforting tips...not directions on how to be happy again. 

[KayC]

32 minutes ago, DWS said:

A grief therapist, on the other hand, likely learns that all of that education doesn't prepare them for the grieving heart.

Marty Tousley, the retired grief counselor (degree in Thanatology) on my other site, started the site after having lost a child.  I saw the tombstone when she posted a response to someone in loss of child section...it hit me, she knows.  She doesn't know what it's like to lose a husband, she still has hers, but she knows loss and it shows in her many articles, her interaction and input with the group, and she has shaped and molded my grief journey more than any other.  I truly love her as I've gotten to know her over the years.  She's better than any grief book I've read and heads above the rest as far as a grief counselor goes.  I'm so fortunate to have stumbled upon her.  Now her group is almost a ghost site, it's sad but few post anymore.  I came here (in addition to, not in place of) because it has a lot more traffic.

3 minutes ago, DWS said:

not directions on how to be happy again. 

I don't think we can replace the happiness we had with them...that's why I focus on finding something good in each day...it helps my well being without diminished the holding of the grief we feel for the loss of our mate.

[RichS]

6 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I like "group" settings.  Like this site...it helps to share your grief.

I've heard of grief groups where you attend classes and use a workbook. For me talking is the best therapy. Writing on this forum is close to doing that.

[KayC]

34 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I haven't even been at this 6 mo yet. 

Close though...
Six Month Mark

[RichS]

11 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Who do I share life with?  My kids have their own lives.  My friends are married.  The grandkids want Grammy not Papa. 

You share a part of your life with your friends on this board. We're always here for you......................

[Bruce A]

34 minutes ago, RichS said:

You share a part of your life with your friends on this board. We're always here for you......................

This forum does help. Hearing from others who are going through similar experiences. But I have no children or close friends and sometimes you just need a real, heartfelt hug. My wife gave the best hugs and I miss them so much.