How Do You Deal With Moving In w/Family Now?

[Jemiga70]

5 hours ago, tnd said:

I doubt even more that the apartment owners would allow "low income/no income/charity" vouchers or Section 8 recipients here.

I mean this with the best of intentions -- and I understand to some degree the stress you must be under, including the stress and grief of loss and how it just seems to take over a person's every thought, but until we have all the facts we don't really know for sure the outcome of certain things.  I say that to MYSELF as much as to you, or to anyone, because right now I'm dealing with the hospital who did my wife's surgery and I am still gathering the facts, and every day I battle against the demons in my own brain who like to string together thoughts (worst-case scenarios, jumping to conclusions etc) that aren't based on facts, because I don't yet have all the facts. So I really have to watch certain thought processes, as impossible as that seems most days. I hope that made some kind of sense.

[John9]

Jemiga70,

I completely understand what you are saying as not a "moment" goes by that my brain doesn't LOOP the thoughts and most of them are not good or happy. All of the things that....And then what "I" should have done or said or.....And then everything else that needs to be done or are waiting to be finished by someone who seems not to be doing their job because....I know that these thoughts are considered "normal" but as I have said before I don't like that word because this isn't normally what anyone would think about and grief is and will be personal and HARD for me at least. I do hope that anyone who reads any of my comments is doing better than I am but I understand if they are not and for that I feel for them. This is a journey made harder by the loss of the ONE person that we need to help us and that one isn't here to help us. I had a very bad night last night because what dreams I remember were all about the things that I LOST, wife, friend, pets, everything and I didn't need to be reminded of that.

[Gail 8588]

Valerie, 

Thanks so much for posting such specific and helpful information.  You may be the voice of  God answering Tnd's (and many of us here praying for her) prayers. 

I truly hope that one of these organizations will find a space for Tnd to live. 

Gail 

[KayC]

Do not procrastinate calling your state rep as your SIL has already shown herself to not be counted on...I truly hope there IS a "plan" but you have to proceed as if there isn't being as they haven't bothered contacting YOU!  I am very worried about you!  Life has taught me that we have to take the bull by the horns for ourselves, do exhaust every avenue.  Praying continually for you, you're in my thoughts.

[tnd]

I was right. There was no plan. My SIL just emailed me. She said she and my brother are not going to help and that I need to look out for myself. I guess even their "limited assistance" she talked about was a lie too. I forwarded her email to the rep with APS and that is that.  

 

 

 

 

[tnd]

Thank you everyone for all your love, support, guidance and prayers. 

JayC: I will contact my state rep but after that, I need to step away from it. I can still pray. 

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

Please call some of those numbers Valerie provided.   I really do believe that X years from now, you will be living in a comfortable apartment on disability income. You will be enjoying life, helping other people, being a good neighbor and friend. You will say,  back in 2021, I came so close to ending it all, but I am so glad I didn't. 

I know when grief is so fresh, as it is for you, it feels like it doesn't matter if you live or die.  But you are a good and kind person. This is not your fault, it is just inconvenient circumstances.  When your disability is approved by SSA,  you will have the income and health care coverage you need. It will be a modest life, but you seem quite capable of enjoying simple pleasures. 

Please give yourself the time to get the benefits you are entitled to. 

Gail

[tnd]

I did what KayC suggested and called my state rep, Joaquin Castro and left him/his office a message. I wanted to email him but his website only offers email for very specific issues, none of which pertain to mine or even housing or federally funded programs. I doubt I will hear from him any time soon but we'll see. 

I will try to contact some of the places that Valerie suggested. Please understand that I just can't keep doing this. I have tried and tried and feel like I am only digging a hole in sand. 

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

I know how hard this is.  It has barely been 2 months since your husband died. Sorrow, pain depression, brain fog, confusion, hopelessness are all to be expected.  I was a zombie, barely able to do routine work that I had done for years. 

I so very much wish there was some family or close friend who would have handled all this for you. Alas, that is not the case. 

Over and over again you have been tasked to do so much. I know you are overwhelmed, exhausted, and ready to throw in the towel.  I don't blame you one bit.   It just makes me sad that there is no one to help you. 

Hugs

Gail

[John9]

tnd,

I debated adding to your issues, I believe that you are a STRONG person from what you have posted and what you have gone through. Please try to exhaust all avenues before you step away from everything. You are an important part of this site and I for one would miss your daily "help" and I do believe YOU have a higher and longer purpose in life. Maybe my purpose is to try to help you find yours as I am unable to see any purpose in mine and this may be it to keep you keeping me going. Try because somewhere there has to be some help for you.

[tnd]

38 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Hugs

Gail

Gail 8588:  May God bless you for caring about someone you've never met in-person. I have left both a lengthy voice mail and email for my state rep Joaquin Castro. Don't know if/when I will get a response but did mention I will be homeless by the weekend. 

[tnd]

12 minutes ago, John9 said:

Maybe my purpose is to try to help you find yours as I am unable to see any purpose in mine and this may be it to keep you keeping me going. Try because somewhere there has to be some help for you.

John9:  This is why I should have never discussed "my plan" on here. Afraid I've upset everyone and feel bad about that now. I am sorry. I am at my wits end now. Exhausted. But certainly I am not the only one with an illness that needs help with housing. I don't know what others have done tho. I suppose a lot of them have died horrible deaths. I am at least trying to avoid that. Death doesn't scare me any more. But to be honest, if I could stick around I'd want to continue making friends or helping people.

I thought of your wife's petunias last nite as I lay in bed. They are so bright and beautiful. I haven't been able to get outside in so long that seeing a picture of someone's real flowers like that, opposed to pictures on the internet, just really made me smile. As if I was actually standing there looking at them. What a great picture you took. They had a good effect on me. Thank you for sharing them. And because you shared the flowers, your garden will grow.    

[John9]

tnd,

I BELIEVE with all my broken heart that you sharing "your plan" is going to work out for you. IF I am wrong then my faith will be shaken. I am still holding out hope that there is at least one person in your area that WANTS to do their job and will do it to help you. Maybe the purpose of your life will be to become an advocate for others like you who are "falling" through the cracks in the system. I am hoping and believing for the best for you. I am not afraid of death either as the only reason I never wanted to die was to be here with my wife AND.....It isn't like I can "will" myself to die, I have to will myself to live and it is harder every day. Hang in there please.

[John9]

tnd,

Here is one of the other flowers too.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Tnd, 

Please call some of those numbers Valerie provided.   I really do believe that X years from now, you will be living in a comfortable apartment on disability income. You will be enjoying life, helping other people, being a good neighbor and friend. You will say,  back in 2021, I came so close to ending it all, but I am so glad I didn't. 

I know when grief is so fresh, as it is for you, it feels like it doesn't matter if you live or die.  But you are a good and kind person. This is not your fault, it is just inconvenient circumstances.  When your disability is approved by SSA,  you will have the income and health care coverage you need. It will be a modest life, but you seem quite capable of enjoying simple pleasures. 

Please give yourself the time to get the benefits you are entitled to. 

Gail

I so agree with this.  Fight with every breath within you even if you don't feel like it!  Sometimes we have to fight the hardest then.  Do not give up!  Gail is right, in a few years you will be drawing income and will find a niche somewhere where you will be happy...not like when your husband was alive, but bits of joy all the same.  Keep fighting for your cats' sakes if not your own!

14 hours ago, tnd said:

This is why I should have never discussed "my plan" on here

No, all the reason you should have shared it with us, we care about you!

[tnd]

Nothing positive today. Checked again with the shelter. They are still full but allowing people to sleep outdoors in their courtyard on a mat. It's a first come/first serve basis. The rep with APS asked me to ask my brother if they are willing to pay for a cheap motel for me. Well...you can guess what their answer was to that. And then in the local news today, charities are having a hard time finding housing for the Afghan refugees that they have sent to my city. They are already arriving. So now it's really going to be tough finding a place. And still no word from my state rep. 

 

 

[tnd]

I couldn't get on the site this afternoon for a long time. And now I see that my posts from earlier today are missing. So I'm sorry if any of you didn't get a  reply from me. 

 

Oh! I just read the "Website Reset" message in the red bar at the top of the screen. That's probably what happened. Some posts were lost due to the site needed to be reset. 

 

[Jemiga70]

@tnd  Yes - some posts in this thread were lost due to the website reset.  Damn it.  I believe I read something posted by @KayC -- she mentioned a name Annie (?) and something about boarding a train? Or the possibility of boarding a train? I'm sorry, I just can't remember exactly and I can't find that post now; it mustve been lost in the reset. One of my posts was also lost. Not sure if you had read it. I wrote "No one ever needs to apologize for grieving. Love and prayers to you."

[tnd]

55 minutes ago, Jemiga70 said:

she mentioned a name Annie (?) and something about boarding a train? Or the possibility of boarding a train? I'm sorry, I just can't remember exactly and I can't find that post now; it mustve been lost in the reset.

Jemiga70:  Yes, it was Annie123 who offered me to stay at her home. She's in another state and KayC asked me if maybe I could take a train. Because of my oxygen needs, I can't. And I wouldn't even be able to buy a ticket or pay for a taxi to get to the train. I have a small portable oxygen machine that lasts about 3 hours on a battery. I can charge it up in a car where you plug in the cigarette lighter. I can even use it while it charges. But a train wouldn't have that and because of my lungs, I can't fly (altitude would hurt or kill me). I had thanked Annie for her very generous offer but of course, with the reset of the site today I think it was lost. 

Annie123, if you happen to read this, thank you again for such a generous offer. You are a very kind person to offer me into your home. I'm sorry I had to decline but the offer gave me a boost. Thank you for thinking of me.   

[John9]

tnd,

I too had issues reacting to the website, I had figured a way around the "fatal" error message I checked the unread comments part of the posts I was following. Anyway I am not sure what posts were lost and what was read but I will still hope for the best for you. It hurts me that this is all such a terrible mess and a bad situation for you.

[KayC]

I don't know what happened to all of the posts yesterday but there were a couple of new people I responded to that I hope got their responses, this is so much more crucial a loss than other types of sites.  It's heartrending.  

[LMR]

@tnd I know you have been calling everyone you can think of. I just wondered if you'd called on the local churches. I am not a member myself but I was talking with a friend last night who grew up as LDS. She says you don't need to be of their faith for them to offer you help. Those I have met have certainly been wonderful caring people. Maybe they can do something. Please try, we are all worrying about you.

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I don't know what happened to all of the posts yesterday but there were a couple of new people I responded to that I hope got their responses, this is so much more crucial a loss than other types of sites.  It's heartrending.  

I know one of the ones you are referring to and I can't seem to find her on the site, I responded last night and now....I hope she comes back to seek help and doesn't think that nobody cares. I know how hard it was for me the first time I posted and I don't know what I would have done if I didn't receive any responses. It is hard even with them.

[Diane R. E.]

16 hours ago, tnd said:

Nothing positive today. Checked again with the shelter.

Hello tnd; I had posted this yesterday but think it got lost with the website reset. Have you thought about getting admitted to a hospital? I'm an RN, and to me it sounds like you are sick enough to be admitted to a medical unit. I hope and pray that then they wouldn't discharge you without having somewhere to go. Of course there is still your cats - could they go to a shelter temporarily? My other thought was for you to call a TV station that delves into disparities - how is it possible they can't provide housing for someone as sick as you are but they can find housing for hundreds of refugees? It's just not fair! (My heart goes out to the Afghan refugees but we also need to provide for our own citizens.)

[John9]

2 minutes ago, Diane R. E. said:

how is it possible they can't provide housing for someone as sick as you are but they can find housing for hundreds of refugees? It's just not fair! (My heart goes out to the Afghan refugees but we also need to provide for our own citizens.)

Diane R.E.,

I made a comment somewhere about this, The issue is and always will be money. The "local" issue of who needs help is basically out of local funds and somehow the "current" problem will be funded by the Federal Government and is a new crisis and people like tnd even though her situation is new to her and very critical it's not special to the system. I think the whole thing sucks and tnd and I (and others) have discussed how "unfair" things are. These issues will not be solved unless the RIGHT people in charge are aware and do something about it. The problem is no matter how much money you do or don't have is of course the mis-management of every program out there and the classic left/right hand or the it's not my job syndrome. Even Social Security is failing people like tnd because there should be a way to push through the Emergency cases, not put them in a pile and we will get to it in our good time 3-6-9 months and if approved you will get it all at once. A faster review of the same facts that will be reviewed can save lives and much stress at the worse times of peoples lives. I am just venting about something that I see as wrong and it hurts that I can't help her.

[Gail 8588]

Tnd,

I am do very sorry that all of this is happening to you. 

It is so unfair.  You don't deserve any of this.

I hope you can find a path forward. As a last resort, I think if you call a crisis hot line and tell them of your plan, they will send the police to do a welfare check. If you tell them this is your only option they will take you to a facility.  Hopefully there, staff will help you find another option. 

We all do care about you here. 

Gail

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

Thinking of you a lot today. 

Gail

[John9]

tnd,

I am also thinking about you, still hoping.

[tnd]

10 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

Have you thought about getting admitted to a hospital? I'm an RN, and to me it sounds like you are sick enough to be admitted to a medical unit. I hope and pray that then they wouldn't discharge you without having somewhere to go.

Diane R.E.:  Hospitals here are turning people away because of the Covid surge. They are out of beds. No joking. But also, I don't think they'd want me because I am high risk of getting Covid. I haven't been able to get the vaccination yet because I haven't been able to taper down/off the immunosuppressants I am on. I've tried twice but then start struggling and the doctor said if that happens  I need to go back to my regular dose. I already have permanent scarring, don't want more. Otherwise, yes, I did think of going to the hospital. 

As for my cats, the no-kill shelter is full. 

  

[tnd]

10 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

they will send the police to do a welfare check.

Gail 8588:  Believe it or not, on her way out of town, my SIL called the police to do a welfare check on me. I told them the shelter was full. They said to keep calling because "you never know". And then they left. Well, I've checked with them again and they are still full. Because of the Covid surge, they can only allow a limited number of people in now. 

 

[tnd]

Dear All,  it's been a long day but I may have help tomorrow. If so, I may not be back for a while. Thank you for all your love and support. I will try to be hopeful about this.   

[Gail 8588]

We are all hoping for something good to turn up for you. 

Gail

[foreverhis]

@tnd  You are in our thoughts and prayers.  I am hoping you finally have good news tomorrow.

[KayC]

Oh how I hope and pray you will!

Incidentally, my power may be shut off due to the fires...if so, I won't be on here for a while but know you are all in my hearts! 

[tnd]

Sorry but no success today. But I might be slowly inching my way towards it. I'll work on things again tomorrow. I am exhausted to say the least. And so humiliated. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now and of course, the worst part, is that I wish my husband were here. Been crying my eyes out tonite. The situation I am in is just so unreal. Thank you everyone (again) for your thoughts and prayers. You are all I have. And my 2 cats -for now.  

[foreverhis]

Fingers crossed and saying prayers and sending so many (virtual) hugs to help you through.

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

I am so sorry this is happening to you.  You should be given support and understanding.  Instead you have all of this to deal with. 

Try to believe better days are ahead. 

Hugs

Gail

[Jemiga70]

@tnd   I'll keep praying for you.

[John9]

tnd,

I am still hoping for the best for you and glad you are still trying. I am hoping to not be reading too much into the comment but any progress is good right.

[KayC]

You have been uppermost in my heart this month @tnd we're praying and pulling for you!  Please let go of humiliation, this is not on you.  We love and care for you!  I wish you were in OR.

[tnd]

I am utterly at a loss here. Just when I thought my brother and SIL changed their minds and were going to help, my brother just told me that NO they are not! Here's the story..

I got an email from my SIL telling me they would help rent an apartment for me. She sent me a list of cheap apartments to look at. She said to choose one so that they could rent it for me and literally said that was all she was asking me to do  -to not bother with movers, packing, storage unit, etc...  I said okay. I sent her back the list of possibilities for them to check out and also an additional list of apartments I researched online that were cheap, thinking they'd want to see the prices of them too. I waited. Got no reply. So I assumed they were checking out the list of possibilities I sent them. If they rent an apartment for me, they would have to be on the lease as the Guarantor/Co-signer. Anyways, I wait some more. I email ask if they were working on it. No reply. Then yesterday I emailed again and left the voice mail. No reply. Nothing. 

By now it is Saturday night and I still hadn't received a reply. Then there is a knock on my door. It was the police. They came to do a welfare check on me because my brother said he hadn't heard from me. WHAT??? The police officers and I spoke a long time. Then the lead office said it was obvious that I have a medical condition. He got on the phone and called my brother back. He came back inside and told me that my brother is willing to help me with an apartment until I start getting my Widowers Benefits (if I get approved). And the officer also told me that I need to do my part and arrange for movers or to put my things in storage and stay at a hotel until I get an apartment. He said to use the money my brother is sending. I said okay. 

Now it is Sunday morning. Still have not heard from my brother or SIL about the list of apartments. I emailed a couple times asking. No reply. I finally left voice mail. Then, I get a long nasty email from my brother, telling me they are NOT going to help me and in fact, they are DONE with me. And then he said I need to get myself checked into a hospital for inpatient mental treatment or...go live on the street. 

I am totally blown away by this. Completely shocked. The lead police officer left me his card and said if I needed to talk or had questions, to call him. I don't think the police should have to be involved or to act as mediator or a babysitter but I might just call him. I don't know what to do now. Just shocked. And sick.     

[John9]

tnd,

CALL the officer and see what is going on because I think that your brother is the one who needs mental help. Sorry to add to your stress but there is something wrong with him.

[tnd]

9 minutes ago, John9 said:

CALL the officer and see what is going on because I think that your brother is the one who needs mental help.

John9:  I am thinking of doing that. The police officer never said anything that made me think that I needed to go to a hospital. It was just the opposite. It sounded like everything was finally being sorted out. But then I got my brother's email. Wow. Just wow. It is just so bizarre (and cold) and I am shocked. I am sick to my stomach now.   

[John9]

tnd,

This kind of treatment borders on abuse and maybe the officer can do something. I am sorry that your brother is doing this and it is a shame that you are stuck there alone because so many people would like to help you but are unable. This is where I am not a believer in Karma because it seems to me your brother needs some. That statement will probably bite me in the butt, it is true though.

[foreverhis]

Oh no!  I think your brother and SIL are gaslighting you and literally trying to drive you insane or make you seem so crazy that the police have you committed.  Seriously, what they are doing is abuse, pure and simple.

Please, call the officer.  He asked you to call him.  He spoke to your brother, so he is in possession of at least some of the facts about what's been going on.  Show him your emails, their emails, and describe the voice mails you sent.  Prove to him that you had in fact tried to contact your brother and it was he who didn't reply.  Go ahead and tell him what happened earlier this month.  Seriously, just lay it all out there.  And tell him about APS abandoning you.  Their job is to help you.  It says right on the website that this help can/will include financial assistance with housing or helping get you into a facility; getting temporary medical care; working with you through the process of all benefits for which you might qualify (welfare, Medicaid, SSA-widows benefit, etc.).  Include that she told you to go live on the streets or just go to hospice and die.  That is beyond unprofessional; it is callous, cruel, and IMO should be grounds for termination.  In fact, I wonder if she ever did talk to her supervisor about you!

This police officer sounds like he cares and he has the authority to help you.  Please, please, please call him today.

Big hugs and prayers from me to you.

[nikkinaz]

Hi @tnd I have not posted or said anything to you but I have been following all your posts as well as your story. First of all, I want to say to you that all this happening to such a kind and loving soul is absolutely heart breaking. I keep you in my prayers and every day I come here hoping to see something good happen to you. I pray that God answers all our prayers and that you find the help you need.

(A little about me, I lost my husband on 3rd January and 6 months prior my brother who lived with us commited suicide here in our home - I’m in the UK)

Living in this whirlwind of grief is hard enough but what your brother and SIL are doing is downright evil. The mind games just floor me !!!!!!!

Thinking of you ❤️

 

[tnd]

1 hour ago, nikkinaz said:

A little about me, I lost my husband on 3rd January and 6 months prior my brother who lived with us commited suicide here in our home - I’m in the UK)

Living in this whirlwind of grief is hard enough but what your brother and SIL are doing is downright evil. The mind games just floor me !!!!!!!

nikkinaz:  I am sorry too for your losses. I can't imagine the grief you are suffering and trying to live with (first your brother and then your husband). And yet, despite your own pain, you come here to offer me your support and friendship. That says a lot about you. Thank you so very much.  

[tnd]

Well, I called the police officer who was here last nite. Actually, there were two of them but I called the lead officer who gave me his card. He too was shocked because he said when he talked to my brother last nite, he was told that he was going to help me. By the way, the officer already knows about the emails, I printed them out, including the one from my SIL saying they would help me and the list of cheap apartments to choose from. She said that was all they were asking me to do, packing/movers/storage/hotel would be taken care of. So I don't know what transpired overnight that caused my brother to say NO, they are NOT going to help me and that I need to check in to a mental hospital and need to "hit rock bottom" first or else I can go live on the street. I don't know, maybe he does have PTSD in some major way and is the one who needs help. ??? It's just so bizarre. And like I said before, it's as if my brother and SIL don't talk to each other...because I get a lot of "he said/she said" and they don't seem to always be on the same page with one another. Like the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. That's why I sent my brother copies of my SIL's email to me that said they were going to help. 

In either case, the police officer might call my brother but reiterated that per his evaluation of me last night, he does not think I need to go to the hospital. Meantime, I have been emailing churches (he suggested that too). I pray someone will answer by tomorrow. 

[John9]

I posted on "Realization" but quick note here also. MIL passed away tonight at the Hospital if you want to read see other post.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I posted on "Realization" but quick note here also. MIL passed away tonight at the Hospital if you want to read see other post.

John9:  Yes, I did see it on the other post "Realization". I am sorry for your loss and having to go through something like that.