How Do You Deal With Moving In w/Family Now?

[tnd]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Here are a few links that you probably already have, but just in case.  I don't know if they can help, but maybe?

foreverhis:  Thank you for your kind words and love. Thank you for taking the time to research and send me those links. I have written them down. It was my SIL who had called the APS lady. She left her card and I emailed her yesterday but have not gotten a response back from her. I told her that I emailed an apology to my brother and SIL but that I am not welcome in their home. So I asked the APS lady if there were any other options -all I hear tho is silence. I've had a long day but I'll be back at it tomorrow, altho I'm sure there aren't any offices open on weekends. 

[tnd]

18 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Formally apply for disability with SSA before you call the hot line, so that your application for benefits can be "in progress".  Once you are in a facility, they may be able to help you complete that process and get you back on your feet again. 

Gail 8588:  Thank you for the suggestions and particularly for your love and for thinking of me. It helps. I have applied for Medicaid and for Widow's Benefits, which is for those age 50 and older and disabled. So all that is in process. I do not qualify for Disability benefits based on a work history because it's been several years since I last worked and it has to be recent. I wasn't "disabled" or on oxygen back when I was still working so of course, didn't apply for Disability. If I qualify for Widow's Benefits, it would be based on my husband's monthly Social Security of about $1470. 

[tnd]

If I ever do secure some sort of housing and financial assistance, I want to be able to help others or brighten the day of others who deserve it. Not to brag on myself but honestly, I am a good person.

When I was still working, which was at a very large office where we all made good money, every year at Christmas each dept would decide how to make the holiday a little brighter for other people. I always suggested that we dress up as Santa's Elves and deliver toys to children in the hospital. But nope, that was always pooh-pooed. At another time, I adopted a small orphanage and would buy shoes, clothes and toys for the kids. Meant something to me to be able to do that. I adopted soldiers and sent them care packages. Lots and lots of care packages. Did this a long time. I provided prepared meals to a soldier's family and then decorated his yard to welcome him home while his family went to pick him up at the airport. At the end of a busy day as I stood in line to pay for gas in my car, a dusty and clearly worn out soldier came inside. He went to the back of the store, straight to the cold beer. There was an unusually long line for the cashier that day. But I loudly asked everybody to step aside and let the soldier come to the front of the line and then paid for his beer. I owed it to him and it felt so good to tell him to his face. Another time I paid for a soldier's full tank of gas in his car but had the cashier promise not to tell him who it was. The look (smile) on his face was priceless. Other times I'd sneak and pay for soldiers meals at fast food places. Always added a desert to their order too. That was fun. I'd give people I knew and sometimes didn't know, rides to where they needed to go. Sometimes on a regular basis because they were either a neighbor or we worked together. I've taken care of babies who were sick that were not mine. I've given money with no questions asked to a friend who was hospitalized and self-employed and without an income while sick. I took my mother in for several years when she had nowhere to go. 

Anyways, we don't do things because we expect something in return or to be paid back. And you cannot buy your way into Heaven. But I am a good person and despite everything I am now going through, I am trying very hard to believe that I will be alright and want all of you to believe that too. 

[John9]

tnd,

YOU ARE a GOOD person and deserve for the system to take care of you for no other reason than the fact that you and your husband paid into the system for this situation. My wife and I never did anything for a reward either and if she were alive and reading this you are the type of person she would be PROUD to know. I am still hoping that somehow the system will see that there are some problems that need to be addressed in a faster time frame than "normal" blah blah blah time. I know too many times that good ideas get shot down by the "group" because it isn't the way that they think or whatever the current excuse is, basically they don't want to waste money on "others".

[tnd]

5 minutes ago, John9 said:

My wife and I never did anything for a reward either and if she were alive and reading this you are the type of person she would be PROUD to know.

John9:  Just from everything you've written about the two of you I have no doubt that you were not only good together but are good people. I feel so out of sorts now that it's hard to even think about tomorrow. If I sleep, I'm lucky. But I am still trying to feel that someone good out there will help me. I just need to find where they are to let them know.    

[John9]

tnd,

That was why I asked about local news station and human interest stories, I see it all the time here and all it takes is one person watching with the right connection to help you. I hope that happens for you because I want you to be okay till God says so (just like me) I want it to be over but I don't control it. I am afraid to do anything for the reasons stated before but I can't and won't judge because we all know each situation is our own.

[KayC]

49 minutes ago, tnd said:

Not to brag on myself but honestly, I am a good person.

We already know that.   

For sure!

 

[tnd]

2 minutes ago, KayC said:

We already know that.   

For sure!

KayC:  You are a good person too, KayC. You are so loving and helpful to everyone on here. Your energy and kindness is felt every day here. I am hoping and praying you will still have a home to go home to. Let us know any updates if/when you can. I know God hears all of our prayers but He's sure busy. We've got to pray for each other. 

[KayC]

He's never too busy, he's omnipresent and omniscient!  I don't claim to understand what happens in our world, makes no sense to me, but I know He's with me through it.

[John9]

KayC,

14 minutes ago, KayC said:

He's never too busy, he's omnipresent and omniscient!  I don't claim to understand what happens in our world, makes no sense to me, but I know He's with me through it.

I don't claim to either. We had/have the "sayings" about give God your problems because he is up all night anyways and the footprints and carrying you and even if "true" it still seems like at this time I am all ALONE even when I fully want to believe it is true. Just going on until I don't have to anymore and I am with her again.

[LMR]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

KayC,

I don't claim to either. We had/have the "sayings" about give God your problems because he is up all night anyways and the footprints and carrying you and even if "true" it still seems like at this time I am all ALONE even when I fully want to believe it is true. Just going on until I don't have to anymore and I am with her again.

I agree with you John. I would so like to believe but I am not feeling it. It's doing my head in.

You know that thing you do when you sneeze.......once a wish. Every time I sneeze I burst into tears because I want to wish for the impossible. It just happened again.

 

[John9]

LMR,

That is why I HATE the "nights", it is hard enough during the day when I can try to distract myself by attempting to do something BUT at night if/when I wake up my brain keeps trying to kill me. When the storms moved through the other night I was awake from 3-5am and everything just kept rolling around in there and making the bad worse. The only time I maybe get any peace is when I am asleep and that isn't long enough, I say maybe because mostly I remember nothing but today I had a "bad" one and I remembered it and it made me sadder because without going into details it just reminded me of what I can't/won't have again.

[tnd]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't claim to understand what happens in our world, makes no sense to me, but I know He's with me through it.

KayC:  Found myself asking "Why?" again. Then I stopped myself. Even if I were to get the answer, I know it wouldn't bring back my husband. I need to stop asking that. 

[tnd]

18 hours ago, John9 said:

That was why I asked about local news station and human interest stories, I see it all the time here and all it takes is one person watching with the right connection to help you.

John9:  I hadn't thought of that but I am already too humiliated. I couldn't withstand the public exposure like that. Especially while there are families with children needing help. They need help more than I do. I can't stand the thought of children being homeless and suffering in any way. 

[tnd]

31 minutes ago, John9 said:

The only time I maybe get any peace is when I am asleep and that isn't long enough, I say maybe because mostly I remember nothing but today I had a "bad" one and I remembered it and it made me sadder because without going into details it just reminded me of what I can't/won't have again.

John9:  Sleep? What's that?  I am on Prednisone and that messes with my sleep. The agony from missing my husband messes with my sleep. And now stress on-top of stress. I sleep (if I do at all) in small increments. Maybe 2 hours at a time. And the crying has ratcheted up a notch, going from "painful" to "extremely painful". I wonder how long it will be before I am catatonic. Part of me already feels that way. Or my life is. For what it is worth, I have begged my brother but have gotten no response. 

[tnd]

1 hour ago, LMR said:

I agree with you John. I would so like to believe but I am not feeling it. It's doing my head in.

LMR:  I feel as tho my faith is being tested and well, I just don't think it should be. I use to tell people that I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of the living we have to do! I can't remember if I read it in the Bible myself or if my husband did and told me that God does not test our faith in Him. Okay but if this isn't being tested, then I am REALLY afraid of what comes next! There's that saying, "careful what you wish for". I don't even want to know. All I know is that I am hurting and each day gets worse. I feel like one of those paper outlines of a body that are used at gun ranges for target practice and I'm shot full of holes now. My life is swiss cheese. 

[John9]

tnd,

Sometimes it seems like you ARE in my head or we are "living" a very similar painful existence, obviously you are dealing with medical issues and I am not but the other  comments fit so much. Maybe if the news did the story on you then you would be able to go on and do the "good" that you want and need to do, maybe the only reason I am here is to try to help you because I don't know otherwise because me caring for MIL seems like it is torture for her and me. I will probably keep asking WHY until I die and no it won't bring her back but that is how my brain works so I will ask and the answer is probably why not her, what makes her more important than anyone else (she was to me) or what makes anyone more important than anyone else except to the ones that love them. I don't know why I just know how HARD it is without her and with what we were dealing with together it wasn't the easiest as it was but it is worse now. I am sorry your brother isn't "there" for you in the way that you need.  As for being tested I have heard that some are and sadly I already feel I failed and am being "held back" until I learn my lesson. A mind is a terrible thing on GRIEF it will really mess you up.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I will probably keep asking WHY until I die and no it won't bring her back but that is how my brain works so I will ask and the answer is probably why not her, what makes her more important than anyone else (she was to me) or what makes anyone more important than anyone else except to the ones that love them.

John9:  Clearly our spouses gave us purpose. Sure, there are many things we do in life that can be important but our spouses gave us a reason to get up in the morning to do the things we need and want to do. I was in a very bad marriage with my first husband. He was rotten to the core but I stood by him. I thought that as his wife I should be supportive of him and that I could help him with his problems. I was naive. After a lot of pain I finally realized that sometimes not all the love and care in the world is enough to help someone overcome their problems. I finally divorced him. With my second husband, the one who recently passed away, I never had the feeling that I had to "help him" or that he "needed help". He didn't need "fixing". And we accepted each other. We had the most enjoyment just being ourselves around each other. We had a good strong marriage that most certainly would have lasted a lot longer than it did. So yes, his very life was invaluable to me. The absolute most important Being on earth. You are going through the same thing being without your wife. Our most important "beings" are gone and now we are just by ourselves. Life will never be the same.    

[John9]

tnd,

3 minutes ago, tnd said:

Our most important "beings" are gone and now we are just by ourselves. Life will never be the same.    

YES, she gave me purpose and I would and did all I could for her. There were many times all she had to say was "HONEY" and no matter what she wanted I did it. I have said it before and I will continue to say it "we accepted each other warts and all". We had no secrets from each other, no exes, no previous kids nothing. I have again said this before she WAS my FIRST and ONLY LOVE. None before her and none after she was my WORLD and always will be. I don't care about trying to have anyone else and I don't care about anyone else. She was my life and without her nothing matters. I am sorry if it sounds depressing but this is my life now and nothing brings me joy or pleasure just pain and suffering and torture. I know some will read this and say they were in the same place and then.....I am not them and not there. IF then.....we all know life is a big IF now even if it wasn't before and that is how I have to approach things right now. I will continue to hope and pray for you and others here that you are able to.....

[tnd]

4 minutes ago, John9 said:

I am sorry if it sounds depressing but this is my life now and nothing brings me joy or pleasure just pain and suffering and torture.

John9:  Don't ever say you are sorry for grieving. Grief in and of itself is depressing and that is where we are at now. I have absolutely no joy anymore either. And I don't even look at things that use to bring me joy or could bring me joy because...you hit the nail on the head...my husband isn't here. I think there were things that prepared us for marriage. Little things. But nothing prepared me to go from two of us to just being alone. Nothing. I didn't want much, I didn't want a mansion or a yacht or diamonds or some big fancy house or even yearly vacations. My husband and I were mostly homebodies and we just "lived" and sought love and laughter from each passing day. We enjoyed simple things. Not because we didn't have much money but because we were capable of enjoying simple pleasures. Bugs, birds, plants, animals, parks and drives. We'd laugh over some of the most stupid stuff, too. One time, early on in our relationship, my husband and I got to laughing so hard that when he stood up his pants fell down around his ankles. He wasn't wearing a belt that day and there he was, couldn't stop laughing and standing there in his shorts. It was so ridiculous I guess that we just couldn't stop laughing. Thank goodness we weren't out in public but I have never forgotten that. He was embarrassed of course but we both had to agree, it was the best laugh we had had in a while. That said a lot about him. People can say what they want but NO ONE will ever replace my husband. Never.   

[John9]

tnd,

My wife and I lived in a rural area and there are critters and bugs and she didn't really like the bugs, she was always caught off guard by the frogs and snakes and praying mantis and the larger bugs and there are spiders everywhere and the loved our car mirrors. Anyway she would garden and scream whenever something would jump and last winter when she was outside on the deck "relaxing" she heard the deer in the snow and it scared the crap out of her and she came running into the house. We weren't/aren't rich and you are right about material things for the most part (it she wanted something she got it) I would give it all up to have her here with me right now and healthy. BUT it isn't ever going to happen is it? As far as the Grief that is why no one will deal with me because they don't want to hear it so it is kind of a habit to say sorry. We were very happy being at home mostly because we were forced into not being able to go anywhere since 2009 when I started caring for my friend and it snowballed from there. That is basically when all planning for anything stopped because we didn't know when I was "needed". It made any outside of the house things almost impossible so we stayed home and enjoyed it but it was more forced on us at first. We could have been happy anywhere I believe as long as we were together as long as we didn't have anyone else counting on us. Of course all of this is what makes what happened that much HARDER because she was IT, MY EVERYTHING and I have nobody that really understands not even our son because it isn't the same. I sent a text to my wife's cousin today because her boyfriend died last August and I was checking on her but her relationship was an off and on one and even though it was hard it isn't the same as mine. I am not saying it doesn't hurt her but our relationship was 35 years always on, no breakups no time apart except for trips we took for work or being in Hospital. That is also one of the major issues I have I LOVE(D) my wife and saw and was with her almost everyday for 35 years and she was torn away from me so suddenly (22 weeks ago) without any kind of warning, like a diagnosis with a "time" 3months 6months 1year...I would still be a mess even with that but we would have been able to at least talk about "things" I didn't get any real closure with her for all reasons stated before and it weighs on my mind and body everyday.

[Gail 8588]

John9, 

I also feel like I never had a chance to have those meaningful conversations that some people get to have when they both know that recovery is not going to happen. 

You would think that with my darling in the hospital for the final 25 days of his life, that I could have, should have, had those conversations.  But I was so focused on his recovery, I would only engage in 'optimistic' conversations.  I couldn't accept the possiblity of anything else. 

All I can do is have those conversations with him now and hope he can hear me. 

I have so many regrets about what I did and didn't do.  

I do know that he knew I loved him with all my heart.  I hope that was comfort enough. 

Gail

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, tnd said:

John9:  I hadn't thought of that but I am already too humiliated. I couldn't withstand the public exposure like that. Especially while there are families with children needing help. They need help more than I do. I can't stand the thought of children being homeless and suffering in any way. 

I kind of have to disagree with you.  Certainly some families with young children need help as much as you do, but that doesn't make your need any less and it doesn't make you less worthy of help. 

As a society that claims to "promote the general Welfare," we are failing in so many ways.  By word and action, we show we don't much care about "the least among us," the children, the disabled, the elderly, etc.  IMO, how a society supports and protects the vulnerable says a lot about who they are.  We don't have much to be proud about in that regard right now.  I'm not saying our country is bad or that we shouldn't be proud overall.  But since our founding (and to cadge a line from a favorite show), as a society, we have said over and over and over that we can do better.  That's the way the Constitution was set up and the way the laws are supposed to work.  The founders knew that no society could be perfect.  It's the striving to do better that makes us who we are.  We need to do better.  (Thus endeth my little speech.)

[Gail 8588]

4 hours ago, tnd said:

. . .  I am already too humiliated. I couldn't withstand the public exposure like that.

. . . . They (families with children) need help more than I do. 

Tnd, 

I think any impartial judge of the situation would say you, with your "plan" are in the greatest of need as any among us. 

I understand how exposed you would feel to have your plight spotlighted on the local news, but perhaps your story will give others in need the courage to tell their story and get help.  In this way, you may actually help some family reach out for needed assistance too. 

Gail

 

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

You would think that with my darling in the hospital for the final 25 days of his life, that I could have, should have, had those conversations.  But I was so focused on his recovery, I would only engage in 'optimistic' conversations.  I couldn't accept the possiblity of anything else. 

All I can do is have those conversations with him now and hope he can hear me. 

I have so many regrets about what I did and didn't do.  

I do know that he knew I loved him with all my heart.  I hope that was comfort enough. 

Oh Gail, I understand that all too well.  I could not, would not accept that John wasn't going to make it to the next planned treatment step.  He didn't want to accept it either, but I know part of him kept going because of me (and the girls, of course).  Looking back, I wish I had told him things, reminded him, and made sure he knew so much while he was still completely with us.

When we put him on comfort care in preparation for going home for hospice, I said the things I should have said sooner.  The thing is that with the comfort medications they were giving him at the time, I'm not 100% sure how much of it he remembered.  Of course he tried his best, but it was more important for him to have less pain and stress than it was for him to be completely coherent.

I too have so many regrets.  The "Why did/didn't I/we/the doctors..." and the "I should/shouldn't have..." and so much more.  At first, I carried all of it, even things completely out of my control, as guilt.  I'm still working on separating guilt from regrets, but I am making progress. 

My only consolation is that John knew my heart.  He knew my heart belonged and still belongs to him.  He knew, as I did, that our connection is heart and soul and spirit.  I hope that when I still feel that thread of love that it's not just wishful thinking.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

As far as the Grief that is why no one will deal with me because they don't want to hear it so it is kind of a habit to say sorry.

John9:  I haven't even gotten a "sorry" from my family. I did get a lecture tho. 

 

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I didn't get any real closure with her for all reasons stated before and it weighs on my mind and body everyday.

John9:  I didn't get any closure either. In fact, just a couple days before he died we honestly thought he was doing better and would be home soon. Never got to talk to him again. They put him on a ventilator and then his heart stopped. 

[John9]

To everyone,

I was just making an observation or statement about my wife dying so sudden and unexpected that there was not even an suggestion that she wasn't going to come home until the phone call that her heart and lungs stopped. I NEVER would have left her side until they threw me out of the Hospital if they had told me all that was happening and how worried they were. It was just too fast and no chance to talk with everything about MIL too. I BELIEVE that she knew/knows my heart because she took it with her when she died.

[tnd]

Well, I've tried to appeal to my brother today, numerous times but he did not respond. If I could talk to my husband I don't know whether to tell him I could be joining him soon or burning in hedouble-L or if my brother will help and come get me. I feel like I am on death row or terminal. Just waiting now. And I can't even get out and try to do anything and live like it's my last days. What for? Not that I would anyways. Oh how I miss my husband. I feel like that old animal in the jungle who is going off by themselves to die. Or the old Linda Ronstadt song Old Paint. "Turn our faces to the west and we'll ride the prairie that we like the best..."   

[John9]

tnd,

I am so sad that you are in this situation and I don't understand and do understand at the same time what your brother is doing at least in my mind. He is either mad at you because you dared to speak up for yourself and he is teaching you a lesson so you will get over it or he still doesn't understand the critical nature of your situation compounded by grief and health issues. I am and have always been the person that when presented with "something" I researched it. My wife always said to "anyone" when they asked/told her something "let me take this home and have my husband look this over" because she knew that is what I do and not just for her but anyone who asked me to. I am not the smartest but if I don't know and I need to know I will try my hardest to find the answer and that is why I am throwing out suggestions for you. I feel like I am at the end of my rope and hanging tightly onto the "knot" but it is coming unraveled more and more. I hate that you are in the situation where you feel how you feel but I do fully understand it also. I am feeling lost again because after 2 weeks of receiving the "interaction" I asked for things fell apart again and I feel abandoned again because they are too busy to fit in a visit let alone a phone call.

[KayC]

On 8/14/2021 at 7:47 AM, John9 said:

it still seems like at this time I am all ALONE even when I fully want to believe it is true.

I felt that way the first year, and then I realized it wasn't that He wasn't there, it's that my grief was so thick I couldn't see anything through the cloud of it.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, tnd said:

KayC:  Found myself asking "Why?" again. Then I stopped myself. Even if I were to get the answer, I know it wouldn't bring back my husband. I need to stop asking that. 

I asked that the first year but never got any answers so finally quit asking.  Even if I'd gotten some I wouldn't have understood or agreed so there was no point in asking anymore, I think we all ask though as it's so inconceivable to our brains!

21 hours ago, tnd said:

John9:  I hadn't thought of that but I am already too humiliated. I couldn't withstand the public exposure like that. Especially while there are families with children needing help. They need help more than I do. I can't stand the thought of children being homeless and suffering in any way. 

It's better than giving up.  Please fight for your life, if not for you, for US!  You may not realize it but you've been very helpful to those here, perhaps that's part of your purpose.

 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, tnd said:

I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of the living we have to do!

I get it!  I try not to think about what's coming around the corner...

[KayC]

18 hours ago, John9 said:

without any kind of warning, like a diagnosis with a "time" 3months 6months 1year...I would still be a mess even with that but we would have been able to at least talk about "things" I didn't get any real closure with her for all reasons stated before and it weighs on my mind and body everyday.

We didn't get that too, I thought we had many years left together.

[KayC]

I think it's both being mad and not understanding your situation, what grief and your illness are like.  It would likely devastate him if you died.

Gail, I think it's normal that we have some regrets.  I don't really because we lived/loved to our fullest but I regret not getting a better cellphone plan for him instead of getting onto him about going over his minutes.

[John9]

34 minutes ago, KayC said:

It's better than giving up.  Please fight for your life, if not for you, for US!  You may not realize it but you've been very helpful to those here, perhaps that's part of your purpose.

I feel similar like I said maybe my purpose is to help her find her purpose and to go on and help others here and wherever she ends up. My wife had her cellphone and her Ipad and never got a chance to use either one. I know "we" all want to think that we have all the time in the world to do what we want to do with the ones we LOVE(D) and we know otherwise don't we.

[foreverhis]

13 hours ago, tnd said:

burning in hedouble-L

I don't claim to know how everything works and Lord knows I am quite imperfect, but I have to say I really can't envision that for you.  If you mean you think that might happen if you end up keeping to your plan, I really, really don't think so.  I think a loving God knows what's deep within us that sometimes even we don't understand; I think a loving God knows that sometimes things are just too much for us and would "judge" us not on one thing, but on all of who we are and who we try/tried to be.

Please, try not to add that concern to everything you've got piled onto you right now.  And Kay is right, you have helped other members by coming here and being honest, by talking and letting others talk to you.  I can't possibly know the future, but I'm asking you to not give up hope just yet.  Keep pushing, as you can, for the benefits you both deserve and have earned.  And keep coming here to talk things through, rant and scream, and ask for comfort and support. ((HUGS))

[tnd]

7 hours ago, John9 said:

He is either mad at you because you dared to speak up for yourself and he is teaching you a lesson so you will get over it or he still doesn't understand the critical nature of your situation compounded by grief and health issues. I am and have always been the person that when presented with "something" I researched it.

John9:  I think in his mind as well as my SIL's, that I was throwing a tantrum and feeling sorry for myself when I needed to rest, thus their "playing victim" comment. And when my brother told me I need to stop "moping" and I need "to get off my butt and back into the business of living" he simply does not or is incapable of understanding the grief and pain I have from losing my husband. I've tried explaining it several times to them, including sending them links to read up on grief.  

And yes, I think you are right, because I finally had enough of their remarks and cold comments and yelled at them, now they think I need to be taught a lesson...the one that says "don't bite the hand that feeds you". Well, I've apologized for my outburst and have been begging now for their help but still no reply. I've explained that I am living under the "fog of grief" and of course, major stress and can't think and do things like a normal person. I added that my outburst was part of that but no excuse and that I am sorry. But still no reply. 

 

[John9]

tnd,

We cannot teach those who will not learn.  I say that because I and you have tried and tried to explain "our" situations and I might as well talk to the cats or MIL because the effect is the same no response or not understanding the "problem/issue" I hate that anyone who is grieving has to try to educate those closest to us how to handle us but we do. I surely don't have the answers but it won't stop me from trying to help.

[tnd]

7 hours ago, John9 said:

I am feeling lost again because after 2 weeks of receiving the "interaction" I asked for things fell apart again and I feel abandoned again because they are too busy to fit in a visit let alone a phone call.

John9:  I do not understand why our families are treating us this way. Yes, it does feel like abandonment. I can only guess that yours are afraid they may end up having to take care of your MIL AND you. This is why these things need to be discussed and I'm sure you already have with them. I don't know why our families can't see that everything about us right now is SCREAMING for help and moral support. And we shouldn't have to argue with them about anything. I've explained over and over to my family that I know I am not thinking straight -but that I am operating under the "fog of grief" and of course, major stress. I will say and do things I normally wouldn't, including yelling back at someone who said I am only "playing victim". But I said it was no excuse and have apologized and still I am being "punished" by them. And there you are, grieving and alone AND physically caring for an elderly woman with dementia. By YOURSELF! But you aren't complaining, you've only asked for some human interaction from your family. But here we are, feeling abandoned and so utterly alone. It is punishing. Life has become brutal.   

[tnd]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

If you mean you think that might happen if you end up keeping to your plan, I really, really don't think so.  I think a loving God knows what's deep within us that sometimes even we don't understand;

foreverhis:  Thank you for that. Yes, I wonder if removing my own oxygen would be looked at as suicide. And if so, will I not have the chance to go to Heaven? To rejoin my husband because I have no doubt he's in Heaven? I am going to keep trying and researching/calling/emailing any resources out there. But the homeless situation in this country isn't just unique to Los Angeles or San Francisco or Seattle. It's everywhere now. Cities are maxed out on resources/money. 

[John9]

tnd,

I don't think that anyone is worried about me but I think that they are afraid of being stuck with MIL and therefore are avoiding me. I have done all I can to attempt to explain her care if/when something happens to me because I am afraid she will outlive me and all of this is in vain. I will continue as long as I can and when God says it is my time then it will be up to them to decide what they did is right/wrong. I also wonder how they will feel when something happens and they had a chance to visit and didn't like everyone said after my wife died and they were all "boo-hoo" we should have...and then still haven't.

[John9]

tnd,

I am going to ask a "stupid" question but did you ever address with Social Security,  the "Emergency" of your situation because I believe that was a possibility. I know that maybe now it might be late BUT....

[tnd]

10 minutes ago, John9 said:

when God says it is my time then it will be up to them to decide what they did is right/wrong. I also wonder how they will feel when something happens and they had a chance to visit and didn't like everyone said after my wife died and they were all "boo-hoo" we should have...and then still haven't.

John9:  We all have regrets. I know I do. But I've never ignored someone in a time of need. Not intentionally anyways. If someone brought it up that they are alone and need help or just someone to talk to, I've been there. Especially if I knew their situation. If I couldn't, I'd explain why but if I knew they had no one else to turn to then I'd figure it out and then go get to them. Heck, I've done some pretty outlandish things just to go and help someone. And sometimes that's what it takes, for someone to put their own self aside and step up to the plate. Your family will unfortunately have one big painful regret for not listening and offering their moral support.

There are regrets AND THEN there are regrets. I had a friend who was quiet and shy. There was a day when she was more quiet than usual. I honestly believe that if I had simply asked if she was okay that she'd still be alive today. I didn't ask and literally minutes later after I had gone, she shot herself. Little did I know she was being physically/sexually abused by her own father. And he was on his way home and no one else except her was there. If I had known that, I wouldn't have just asked if she was okay but I would have never driven her home that day and instead, would have taken her to my parents for help. That was more than 30 years ago and still I live with this regret.  

4 minutes ago, John9 said:

did you ever address with Social Security,  the "Emergency" of your situation

John9:  Yes. Told them I have no income and at the time (before my SIL came), no one here to help me. 

[Gail 8588]

46 minutes ago, tnd said:

Life has become brutal.   

Tnd, 

I am so very troubled by your situation.  Here is just some creative writing on my part. (I don't really know the specifics of your situation, so I certainly may have facts wrong.)

Dear Local TV Station or Local  News Paper: 

Where is the No Kill Shelter for Humans?

My husband died 2 months ago following 6 months of illness. We depleted our savings on medical expenses. I lost my insurance coverage with his death.  I am too young to receive widow's benefits from my husband's Social Security. I have health issues that require me to be on oxygen 24/7 and I use a  wheelchair. I have recently applied for disability benefits with Social Security, but have been advised it may take up to 2 years to get through the approval process. 

At the end of this month I have to move out of the apartment that was our home for years.  I have arranged for my 2 cats to be taken to a No Kill Shelter. 

Where is a No Kill Shelter for me?  I contacted numerous agencies regarding housing, all say there is no housing available. 

On August 31, I guess I will be rolled to the curb, and when the oxygen runs out in my portable tank it will be the end of me. 

Looking for any options,

Sincerely

Your full name and contact information.

Tnd, 

I know it feels awkward to publicize your plight, but I think you really should reach out for help. 

I believe it will buy you the time and hopefully the assistance to get your disability income. 

Hugs, 

Gail

 

 

 

[tnd]

1 minute ago, Gail 8588 said:

I know it feels awkward to publicize your plight, but I think you really should reach out for help. 

I believe it will buy you the time and hopefully the assistance to get your disability income. 

Gail 8588:  I just might have to go public. Makes me sick. Tomorrow I may email my state rep for my district and ask if he or his office knows where I can receive possibly federally-funded assistance and housing. I will let him know that a rep with APS here in the city said there was none left. We'll see.  

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I "LIKE" the idea/concept and maybe it would also help others or bring others forward who CAN help tnd and others. I just thought maybe the local news station(s) would have contacts given the urgency of this situation. I can't speak about others who might need help because I am not "aware" of individuals but I am sure every "area" needs help and not enough resources but it hurts when you are aware of "someone" who really needs help.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I am sure every "area" needs help and not enough resources but it hurts when you are aware of "someone" who really needs help.

John9:  When I look at the big picture, the reality of it is that this is largely my own fault. Hear me out before saying it isn't...If I had found another job after being laid off years back, I might have a little of my own money. And if I had continued working until I got sick, I might have qualified for Disability (you don't if you haven't recently worked). It certainly would have helped our bank account. And then maybe I could afford to just move into a smaller/cheaper apartment. But dummy me, I decided to be a housewife. My husband was okay with that in fact, he liked the idea and knew it was something I wanted to do. And at the time, he had found a new job after being laid off and the new job paid okay. We didn't know that he'd be on dialysis a year and half later and having to miss some work 3 times a week. Fast forward to his recent death and the fact I have no income now. I should have kept my mouth shut when my SIL told me to stop "playing victim". When I told her I need to stop packing/cleaning for the night and rest and she told me I could do more, I should have kept going or at least given the appearance that I was doing some more work. No, I didn't know that my brother and her would yank their support from me but if I had been keen and more quick to think about it, I would have kept my mouth shut to avoid being in the situation that I am in now. I own this problem, it's mine and I take full accountability. That is the reality of it. I don't want others pity. Whatever happens, happens. It will be alright. I will be alright. 

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

I appreciate that you don't want you claim you are a victim of others, but rather want to take ownership of the actions you took that led you to where you are today. 

That is an admirable trait and I think is a healthier way to live life generally (not claiming to be a victim). 

However, you are not clairvoyant.  You could not have foreseen all those years ago that your employment choices would lead to this result.  I think your claim of "this is my fault" is sort of the same guilt so many of us struggle with regarding our spouse dying.  

It is my fault that my husband died of his stroke because I chose to work late that night, therefore I wasn't home when he had the stroke, resulting in a long delay in his getting treatment. 

For the first several years of my grief I felt totally responsible for my husband's death.  My Grief Brain wanted to find some one to blame, and blaming myself was straight forward and irrefutable (in my mind). 

It took a long time for me to accept that it wasn't my fault. I was not clairvoyant. I was just human. 

Your decisions were reasonable at the time you made them. Your life with your husband was a life you both chose. It is even admirable that you never applied for any disability assistance while he was alive. You were both content to live a life together within the means your husband was able to provide. 

His death changed everything.  Your medical expenses for your husband's illness and your conditions have exhausted your savings.  Your age, work history, type of health condition have all played a part in your not being able to secure some assistance.  You have fallen through the cracks of our 'systems'.  None of this was foreseeable. It is not your fault that you are in this situation. 

I believe it is your 'Grief Brain' that is telling you this is your fault.  It is not your fault.  It just is. 

Hugs, 

Gail

 

 

 

[John9]

tnd,

None of us knows how our decisions will play out and I understand you "owning" it but I think given what you have seen from your brother and SIL you were always going to be at their mercy and that is no way to live with everything else going on. I tried to post this earlier but for some reason again it didn't work. I am going to agree now with Gail 8588 and I am dealing with the decisions that I made also and how they eat away at me. The system is "supposed" to take care of this type of situation because nobody can ever think about all of the things that could happen. My friend used to say that you could be Insurance rich by trying to cover everything but then you won't have any money left to live. We all try to live our best lives and make the best decisions with the information available at the time. And I think that human nature being what it is, some of us will always try to second guess when it goes "wrong" what did "I" do wrong.

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

For the first several years of my grief I felt totally responsible for my husband's death.  My Grief Brain wanted to find some one to blame, and blaming myself was straight forward and irrefutable (in my mind). 

It took a long time for me to accept that it wasn't my fault. I was not clairvoyant. I was just human. 

Your decisions were reasonable at the time you made them. Your life with your husband was a life you both chose. It is even admirable that you never applied for any disability assistance while he was alive. You were both content to live a life together within the means your husband was able to provide. 

His death changed everything.  Your medical expenses for your husband's illness and your conditions have exhausted your savings.  Your age, work history, type of health condition have all played a part in your not being able to secure some assistance.  You have fallen through the cracks of our 'systems'.  None of this was foreseeable. It is not your fault that you are in this situation. 

Absolutely!  I was the same way in looking for someone to blame and, oh look, here's a mirror, I can blame myself for absolutely everything.  I did blame the doctors to an extent and still do, but I'm the one who is here, so I am the easiest one who I can blame.  I'm getting better about separating out guilt from regrets, but it's a slow process.

The one thing I'd have to disagree with is that it's admirable to have not applied for disability earlier and while her husband was alive.  I say this from experience of John and me being too proud to apply for the assistance he qualified for during the first few years after his accident.  Looking back, we realized that we had been working for decades, paying taxes without a quibble, and understanding that those taxes are what uphold our country's values.  We realized we wouldn't have been "takers," but rather citizens in need of a help for a time.  I guess what I mean is that it's typical to be independent and not rely on benefits or what we might consider "handouts."  That's the way most of us were raised.  Unfortunately, it also means that we can be too proud and independent.

OTOH, tnd probably didn't even know that she could apply.  She certainly wouldn't have thought it necessary, which is part of that independent spirit.  We didn't know until one of his doctors asked if we had about 2 years after when it had become clear he was going to have permanent disabilities--and even then he insisted on doing everything he could. 

However, I don't disagree with tnd's choices.  Not at all.  They were the right decisions that she and her husband made together for their lives and their marriage.

@tnd I agree with Gail that it's good to accept responsibility for our lives and choices, but that none of us can see the future.  We can only make the best choices at the time, which is what you did.  But taking responsibility for our lives doesn't mean we did anything wrong.  We all muddle through the best way we can.  That's what you and your husband did.  I suspect too that neither of you ever regretted that you made decisions that allowed your marriage to thrive.