How Do You Deal With Moving In w/Family Now?

[tnd]

As some of you know, my husband passed just 12 days ago. For financial reasons I am having to move in with my brother and his wife and my 2 teenaged nephews. While I am grateful that my brother is helping me, this is obviously not what I wanted. I'd rather have my husband back. I do not look forward to this move because it is not only very stressful to be suddenly preparing for a move while grieving but I have an illness and I also really do not want to have to live with anybody. This is going to be the mother load of adjustments for me to make. My husband and I were city dwellers and we liked it. And we also liked being close to medical facilities, hospitals and fire stations. We also liked having "everything at our finger tips" when it came to grocery stores, gas stations and restaurants. We had planned on retiring here. Now I will be living at what seemingly looks like the middle of nowhere in a state I've never been. My brother lives way out in the country about 40 miles from a somewhat sizeable city and about 15-20 minutes from his local town. If you can call it that. It's a very very small rural town. Not much there. I grew up in a small town and yes, there are a few advantages but I've been a big-city girl now for more than 30 years. For one thing, I have a rare lung disease and will have to start over with new doctors and already know that finding doctors who are experienced in treating Sarcoidosis won't be easy. Doubt their small town will have one. But the next big thing, is how do I go from being independent and having my own apartment to just having "space" in a guest bedroom? I am stressed out about it already. My brother will be packing up my things, including my furniture, he says in case in the future I will be able to afford my own place. I doubt I will but that's another story...

What I want to know, is how do you get along with people you haven't lived with before? Sure, I did it when I was young and single but now I'm middle-aged, ill and on oxygen and a grieving widow. I mean, I haven't lived with my brother since we were kids. I get along with his wife but admit, we had a falling out years ago. We buried the hatchet quickly and have since gotten along but are distant. We don't call or email each other, none of that. Basically only speak if one happens to be visiting the other, like on a vacation and not frequently. Of course both she and my brother have been very nice since my husband passed, so I'm not complaining. And like I said, I am grateful to them. Otherwise I'd be on the streets. But I am so afraid that there will be tension at some point...Will I say or do the wrong thing and tick them off or will one of them get on my nerves? And I wonder how my nephews will feel about their aunt living with them. I've got to consider their feelings, too in all this. So much to think about....And they have an entirely different lifestyle from mine. Do I set boundaries right away and if so, what kind of boundaries? Do I offer to do chores (I think I should) or stay in my room out of their way to give them privacy? Are they the ones who are going to set boundaries? Do I just become like one of their children and do whatever they say? I have nowhere else to go so....I've got no choice. I really hate this. But I can't help but feel that when you live in someone else's house you have to abide by their rules. I've got no problem with that so why do I feel like I'm about to go live in some sort of nitemarish hell? Is this where the anger part of grief comes in? Like, why oh why am I left to do this? 

[Beau]

I have zero experience with living with relatives as an adult. However, I'd say a lot of these questions should be discussed before you actually move in with them. The practical questions like "what are your expectations for chores / these are the chores I could contribute with if...", "what are your boundaries for this and that / I feel very strongly about some thing or the other" should be brought up. You won't know what things will be like until you're actually there, but asking/conversing would be better than nothing. 

Tell them in your own words what grief is like for you right now, and be honest as much as you can/want. Because you're not moving in and that's it. Grief is coming along too and if they aren't familiar with it, they will need to expand those horizons. Hopefully they can take some sort of initiative and read about it somewhere.

[jmmosley53]

Hello tnd,

It sounds to me that you have negative thoughts about your pending move.

Moving into someone else's home, even a brother is going to be tricky.  It seems that after awhile someone is going to get on someone else's nerves, so establishing everyone's expectations should be done before one stick of furniture is moved.  

Have you explored other options? 

Such as a nursing home or assisted living apartment.  I know that in Texas there are places where your surrender your whole Social Security check minus money for personal use. (it was $500.00 per month back then)   I know this from when my Mother in-law was no longer able to live alone due to illness.  We had her stay with us for awhile but it was so awkward for my husband to help his Mom into a shower and things like that.

The place she chose was beautiful and we were able to visit with her whenever we wanted. It has people in every stage of well being; from 50 to 90. There were nurses on site and they would call us if any health issues came up so we could take her to her own doctor.  There were planned outings, daily activities, and all kinds things to do.

The assisted living care business is regulated by the state in Texas.  There are agencies such as 'A Home For Mom" and Medicare have people to help you match up with locations.

I am just mentioning this as a possible option.  I am not associated with any of these places.  It worked very well for my Mother in-law.  She loved it.

I hope you find a great solution for you living arrangements.

 

[Gail 8588]

TND,

It is totally understandable you would feel a lot of anxiety.  You are making so many changes at once. There are so many unknowns.  All while you are trying to process your great loss.  None of this is the life you planned. 

It is so hard to make all these changes so quickly, but sometimes circumstances require us to adapt.  Sometimes we have no other choice. 

In Florida, moving into an assisted living facility requires a lot of money.  At least $5,000 a month, often much more. Most people don't have sufficient savings or income to pay that. (There may be other options for people who are disabled and on SSDI, but I have no experience dealing with that.)

I think you may have to focus on how grateful you are that your brother is taking you in.  In another post I think you said he was going to help you apply for SS disability.  Once you have that income established, you may have other options open.  Or by then you may have settled in to your new circumstances and want to stay. 

It sounds like your brother is really trying to make this transition as positive as possible, even storing your furniture for when you may be able to have your own place again. I loved his comment that maybe your purpose would be being an Aunt to his boys.  

I would try to focus on just one day at a time, and look for any good, happy, positive thing you can find each day.  Living in the country has it's own tempo and beauty. More subtle than the city, quieter. But there is real joy to be had when hummingbirds return each year, or seeing deer in the yard in the early mornings.  Stars in a dark sky can be as awesome as the northern lights.  Teenagers growing into young men is a miracle to behold. 

I am so sorry that the life you had and loved has been taken from you.  It is not fair or right.  But it can't be undone.  

I am glad your brother is going to help you pick up the pieces. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[tnd]

12 hours ago, Beau said:

I'd say a lot of these questions should be discussed before you actually move in with them. The practical questions like "what are your expectations for chores / these are the chores I could contribute with if...", "what are your boundaries for this and that / I feel very strongly about some thing or the other" should be brought up.

I agree, Beau. It's just hard thinking about bringing it up with them before moving because I honestly have no other choice but to move in with them. I dread "the talk".  

[tnd]

9 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

Have you explored other options? 

I wish I did have other options. But with zero income I have no choice. But even if I were to get approved for SSI or Disability, I have to pay for oxygen equipment, specialists and A LOT of medications. Doubt there would be enough left over to pay for an apartment of my own or assisted living. While dealing with this move to my brother's, I am also working on getting some sort of free/cheap medical care in his area. Meanwhile, he is looking into putting me on his insurance as a dependent, which would probably be the ideal thing for me. So much to do and think of! And I ache so much for my husband. Miss him badly.    

[tnd]

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

t is totally understandable you would feel a lot of anxiety.  You are making so many changes at once. There are so many unknowns.  All while you are trying to process your great loss.  None of this is the life you planned. 

It is so hard to make all these changes so quickly, but sometimes circumstances require us to adapt.  Sometimes we have no other choice. 

Gail8588:  Even if it were a move my husband and I planned together it would be stressful. But what I am going through right now is the absolute worst! I feel like I am being hit by a bus over and over again. I miss my husband so very very much. I do have moments where I talk about the move with my cats and try to be positive. And I'm in-touch via email with my brother most every day right now. His wife just emailed asking if there was anything I need right away. So the fact the two of them are being so considerate is a "positive". I also like your comment about hummingbirds...I love bird watching and I love animals and wildlife. In fact, here at the apartment I used to regularly sit with my coffee at the big window and watch people walk their dogs...this is a very pet friendly place so a lot of dogs. I used to call it the "dog parade". I haven't felt like watching tho in a long time, since my husband was hospitalized. But yes, watching birds or wildlife is something I hope to get back to doing at my brothers. I'll have to take my binoculars with me, except my hands shake these days but oh well..

[KayC]

You have some good responses here.  I have no advice to add, just I really feel for you.  When I was within two weeks of losing everything I finally landed a job for $2 less plus 100 miles/day commuting expense added on...I figured out I was actually getting $8 less per hour than I was used to when I factored that in.  That it was tough was an understatement but I survived that and so much more.  My prayer for you also is that you survive, but more than that, that at some point you thrive.  I hope this move will be temporary for you and that it willl go better than anticipated.  Regardless of how it goes, know we are all in your corner and support you in our heartfelt thoughts and prayers.

[tnd]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

That it was tough was an understatement but I survived that and so much more. 

KayC:  Yes! I read your story and everything you went thru with your finances. I applaud you for working/fighting like heck to save your home -and while grieving no less! You are truly an inspiration. I think about your situation lots. Glad you are here in my own "early days". I do not want to be in denial but I am seriously trying to get focused on moving. Trying to see or find anything positive about it. And then at times thruout the day I break down. But I honestly don't think it would be any easier if I weren't moving. I'd still be in pain from missing my husband. I guess it can all just be "piled on" me now, may as well all be thrown at me all at once so I can get it over with. I'd like to think I will start with a proverbial clean slate after I get moved but no, I know my grief will still be there. I am going to have to stay occupied. 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, tnd said:

I wish I did have other options. But with zero income I have no choice. But even if I were to get approved for SSI or Disability, I have to pay for oxygen equipment, specialists and A LOT of medications. Doubt there would be enough left over to pay for an apartment of my own or assisted living. While dealing with this move to my brother's, I am also working on getting some sort of free/cheap medical care in his area. Meanwhile, he is looking into putting me on his insurance as a dependent, which would probably be the ideal thing for me. So much to do and think of! And I ache so much for my husband. Miss him badly.    

On a practical note.  If you get approved for SSDI, you may still very well qualify for SSI depending on how much your SSDI benefit is.  When that happens (thinking positive thoughts for you!), you will automatically qualify for Medicare--full benefits.  Again depending on income, you may qualify for assistance with the Part B Medical premium and the Part D Prescription premium.  Even if your SSDI is enough that you don't qualify for additional assistance, you will still have Medicare, though Part B and Part D  premiums are required, not optional.  Either way, you would have a fair amount of coverage for PCP, specialists, equipment, testing, and medications.  It's certainly not cheap, but it can make all the difference in the world.  In many states, if you qualify for SSI, you automatically qualify for Medicaid coverage, which could really help boost your financial stability.

Once again depending on income, if you qualify for SSI, you will also almost certainly qualify for discounts with utilities and possibly housing assistance.  There are often local programs that help as well.

With that in mind, I urge you to tackle the SSDI application process as soon as reasonable after you have moved and are settled in.  The sooner you start, the sooner you can be approved (fingers crossed, knocking wood, and not tempting fate!).  The sooner that happens, the sooner you can consider finding a place of your own, no matter how small or simple.  Also, if your doctors are onboard and help you file for disability back a year or two, you would receive back benefits in a lump sum.  That alone might allow you to find a place to call your own and afford you some independence.  Though the process is usually frustrating and takes time, maybe you will find that it also gives you hope and helps you ease your way through living with your brother and his family.

I'm not saying any of it will be easy.  Of course it won't, especially because Beau is right that it's not just you, but your grief as well.  I also understand how overwhelming all the legal...stuff...can be.  You've mentioned that your Sarcoidosis is not a listed condition under SSDI, but a good specialist may be able to relate it to a condition that is.  Maybe lung disease/cancer and/or one of the listed auto-immune conditions?  Obviously, I'm not a medical professional, so take that with a very large grain of salt!

Regardless, I agree with others that sitting down adult-to-adult as soon as possible in order to work out expectations should help ease the transition for everyone.  IMO, it's important to let them know you are grateful, but you should not be expected to be be treated like a child or anything like that.  They should not expect you to "bow and scrape" because they are helping you through this impossibly difficult time.  Clear communication and specific expectations may help with that.

[Gail 8588]

tnd, 

I really feel for you.  It is so hard to make sense of anything when your life has been shattered by the death of your love.  And to have to make all these changes, and decisions, it's all too much. 

For me it was terrifying, exhausting, and a jumbled mess.  But I had to sell my house, or I would quickly be looking at foreclosure.  So, right or wrong, I just stuffed my grief down and tried my best not to acknowledge it.  I had so many things that I had to do, I would focus on those and hide from anything related to my grief.  Of course there were still many times my grief reduced me to a sobbing mess, crying this is all too much, I can't do it. 

I did rely on help from my sister-in-law and one good friend to make decisions for me.  I know I was irrational at times, getting overly upset that some item had been given away that I meant to keep. It really was more than my brain could handle at times.  But I muddled through.  The house sold.  I downsized and I became financially stable. It wasn't until after I retired that I then had time to unpack and address my grief. 

Your brother and his wife sound like they are really in your corner, trying to help.  That is a huge blessing. Not everyone has that. 

Hopefully you can talk with them what your hopes are for the future (getting SSI or SSDI and being able to live independently again) or explain that right now it is really hard to even know what your hope for the future is. 

Anyway, I just want you to know I feel for you during this time of overwhelming confusion, change and pain.  I am not saying that the path I took was the right path, or the best path. I have no idea.  I just muddled through, dazed and confused, trying to find some path forward. I am sorry you are going through something similar. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[foreverhis]

17 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

I am not saying that the path I took was the right path, or the best path. I have no idea.  I just muddled through, dazed and confused, trying to find some path forward.

The path you took was probably the one you had to take.  And you did find a path forward, which we all know is a huge, scary thing to do.  Look where you are now and the progress you've made.  Maybe the exact way you got here isn't as important as the fact that you did.  That's enough to give others hope, I think.

[tnd]

26 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

For me it was terrifying, exhausting, and a jumbled mess.  But I had to sell my house, or I would quickly be looking at foreclosure.  So, right or wrong, I just stuffed my grief down and tried my best not to acknowledge it.  I had so many things that I had to do,

Gail8588: I will definitely look to you for inspiration. Just like KayC and what she went thru to keep her home. For me, losing my husband was the worst thing to happen. Can't help but hope that despite the challenges that lay ahead things can only go up from here. Of course that's if I don't have a complete breakdown first. Thank you for sharing your own experience and for the info about SSI and Disability.   

15 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

That's enough to give others hope, I think.

What Gail8588 shared gives me hope. H-O-P-E. Sometimes that is all we need to get going. 

[Roxeanne]

Tnd i think your brother and SIL are really great...helpful as they can!

But living together is not easy, good intentions sometimes are not enough...

I hope you can find a balance in your life with your family's brother...be grateful but keep in your heart the will to be independent as much as possible!

Hang in there! Hugs Roxi

 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I did rely on help from my sister-in-law and one good friend to make decisions for me.

I have turned to my son and sister Polly for advice but no longer can with sister as she is losing it.  Son always busy so hasn't been there to talk to for a long time, I've gone through Covid alone.  It does help to have someone to bounce things off of, confide in.  My close friends are gone, it seems Covid threw distance in between everyone.    Keep trying, that's all we can do.  j

I'm glad foreverhis (Annie) pointed out the benefits you may qualify for.  Here, there is housing assistance but it may take a two year wait for an opening to have your own place, still, I'd apply...a friend of mine amazingly got in within a mere month!

15 hours ago, tnd said:

For me, losing my husband was the worst thing to happen.

Everything seems to pale in comparison.  When I look back over the years I say to myself, I got through that, I'll get through this.  It helps.

 

15 hours ago, tnd said:

Of course that's if I don't have a complete breakdown first.

Who is to say if we've had one or not, whatever we go through, we can get through it one day at a time.  Sometimes breaking it down into an hour or even a minute.  For me taking a walk helps, and having a dog.  Does your brother have a dog you can love on?

 

15 hours ago, tnd said:

What Gail8588 shared gives me hope. H-O-P-E. Sometimes that is all we need to get going. 

Yes!

[tnd]

15 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

I hope you can find a balance in your life with your family's brother...be grateful but keep in your heart the will to be independent as much as possible!

Roxeanne: I'm thinking the same thing and don't know how it's going to play out. Luckily I don't need them to do anything for me in the way of personal care (bathing, dressing, eating) but because of my illness I will need their patience and understanding. I never know from one day to the next how I will feel and I also deal with side effects from meds. I am hoping that since my SIL doesn't cook (or that often) that I can build up the strength to cook for them once in awhile. I'm also hoping I can keep my computer....coming here to "talk" is my lifeline right now and I also like to research stuff and surf the internet. But for the immediate future I am mostly hoping for their understanding that I may not feel like participating in any activities because of my grief. I don't want to be a hermit but also don't feel up to being around people and doing things right now.  

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

When I look back over the years I say to myself, I got through that, I'll get through this.  It helps.

KayC:  I've gone thru so much crappola, I've been saying that for years! The loss of my husband is a biggie so I sure hope everything I've learned from the past will help. Whenever stuff would happen my mother used to say "If we didn't have bad luck we'd have no luck at all".  Losing my husband is the worst tho...more like cruelty or an evil.  

6 hours ago, KayC said:

For me taking a walk helps, and having a dog.  Does your brother have a dog you can love on?

KayC:  As a matter of fact, my brother does have a dog. I pray his dog will like me. Ha, I don't know if I'll be able to use my walker (it has wheels) but my brother lives on acreage with trails. It would be nice to go for walks on the trails with his dogs. There will be 4 animals in the house; his dog/cat and my 2 cats. I'm sure glad they are animal lovers because I told them there was no way I could part with my cats.  

[KayC]

I understand well the need for some solitude and computer time.  I hope with you that you can walk the trails with their dogs!  It sounds like a lovely setting!  

On a good note, I had the meeting with my sister Peggy's social worker and it went well.  She is coming home next week.  I need to get her a pulseoximeter and blood pressure monitor, maybe I can find them on line so we don't have to stop at the store.

[Gail 8588]

Kay, 

That is good news about Peggy!  So glad she is going to be able to come home.

Gail

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

On a good note,

KayC:  I like how you said "on a good note..." That's a very good example of being positive. BTW, I think I got my Oximeter (Equate brand) from Walmart and the BP cuff (ReliOn) brand. But we got them at the store, don't know if they offer them online.  

[tnd]

Okay, so I started to feel a little uptight already but, because I've got no choice right now I will try to focus on how grateful I am that I will have a roof over my head. My SIL is a shopaholic/hoarder. She buys tons of things, new or used to (she says) either keep and use or to sell. But she keeps most of it, doesn't use it and it just stacks up. During the Amazon Prime Deal Days she emailed and asked if there was anything I immediately needed because she could probably get a good deal. Now of course this was very generous of her but I've been telling her and my brother that the most important thing I will need is to find out if I can take my oxygen equipment with me and since I will be losing my insurance, I am very worried about how it's going to be paid for. I am still waiting to hear from the O2 company because it looks like they have an office about 30-40 miles from where I will be moving. I need to know if they will be able to service me. I am also researching insurance plans in their state and SSI/Disability. Anyway, I reminded my SIL of this again when she asked if I needed anything from Amazon. Got no reply from her. 

Their house is already FULL. My SIL's mother very recently moved into assisted living so most of her stuff is now stacked (per my brother) from floor to ceiling at their house because my SIL's mother's house is being sold. But he said they'd make room for my stuff. They have a 2-car garage (already full) and now the house is full so I think they are planning to put my stuff out in brother's workshop, which is quite large. And that will be okay with me. I just hope I can handle the tower of "stuff" inside the house. I'm not claustrophobic except when I am in large crowds or shopping malls or very busy stores. But I am normally a neat freak and not only like having everything clean but in it's place. It makes it a lot easier to physically get to things when you need to. Notice I said "physically"...a real must now for me. You'd never know that by looking at my apartment right now but before I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis and before my husband was hospitalized and then passed away, the place was kept clean and tidy. Now I am about to enter what I am picturing as being a disaster zone! And I have to live in it! And when my SIL asked the other day if she could get me anything on Amazon, I bet she did and will be a lot of stuff I don't want or need. Tension, tension coming...ah...breathe...I am breathing...

 

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

I need to get her a pulseoximeter and blood pressure monitor, maybe I can find them on line so we don't have to stop at the store.

That's great news, Kay.

We got a Choicemmed pulseoximeter, which is really accurate and has a detachable lanyard so it can be worn around the neck as well as a belt loop on the little case, and a Riteaid brand automatic blood pressure wrist cuff, which is also accurate and so much more comfortable than the arm kind.  I always end up bruised by the old-fashioned ones.

I hope all goes well with Peggy's return home.  I'll be send you all the positive thoughts I can muster!

[Gail 8588]

5 hours ago, tnd said:

. . . Tension, tension coming...ah...breathe...I am breathing...

Tnd,

I know it is easier said than done, but for now try not to worry about what it will be like at your brother's house. Focus just on what you need to do today. 

Life at your brother's home will be what it is, and you will be able to deal with the reality of  it when you get there.  Until you actually get to his house, there are too many possibilities of what it might be like and you can worry yourself sick thinking about them all. 

Just take one day at a time.  The reality you have in front of you today is enough to deal with. Tomorrow you can deal with the things that are actually impacting you tomorrow.  

When you get to your brother's home, you can deal with the reality of what is there, one day at a time.  It will save you a lot of anxiety focusing just on today.

Hugs

Gail

[tnd]

36 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

When you get to your brother's home, you can deal with the reality of what is there, one day at a time.  It will save you a lot of anxiety focusing just on today.

Gail8588:  I suppose you are right. I am overwhelmed right now and that's an understatement. The issue of my having oxygen is right at the top of the list and I feel that they are not listening to me or else they don't understand the scale of my illness and reliance on oxygen. And all the while, I am in pain from losing my husband. I almost don't care where I live...I'd live anywhere if I could have him with me. But I avoid repeating that in my mind because it's a "nowhere" kind of statement. Doesn't do me any good to say it. Not that "how am I going to live without him?" is any better. Grief, moving, oxygen, doctors, SSI/Disability...wish I could call a Time Out and deal with it all one thing at a time.    

[KayC]

16 hours ago, tnd said:

I will try to focus on how grateful I am that I will have a roof over my head.

You are doing what you can under the circumstances.  I hope this is a temporary situation for you so you can have something to hope for, look forward to.  They are kind to open their home to you, yet living with a hoarder can be very difficult.  Any chance of your getting a disability income at some point?  If your oxygen is 89 or lower it's my understanding Medicare should cover it, but reg. ins. should as well.  You just need to see a doctor to get it approved.

I ordered the BP monitor and pulse oximeter online for her, also am taking a blender to her house so she can have some nutrition in her diet, it may be a while before she can get to the denturist and get new dentures.  It's been many years since she purchased these so the business is gone, along with the molds.  Same with her glasses.  She needs to see an optometrist but may not be able to until her ribs heal, she's halfway there (I hope).

They said she could come home in a week but backtracked and said they don't have a date, I told them to let me know so I can plan as I have doctor's appts I've been waiting for for months, so far they haven't given me a date.

[tnd]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

You are doing what you can under the circumstances.  I hope this is a temporary situation for you so you can have something to hope for, look forward to. 

KayC:  Yes, I am looking at this as a positive because I have family who cares enough to take me in. I'm just going to have to ignore the hoarding. Hope I can!  I hope at some point I will get to have my own place. It will depend on if I qualify for Disability and any other assistance I can get. But being approved for Disability can take a very long time. I had started looking at small apartments online near my brother's, just to get an idea of costs and found myself liking some places and prices. But that is so far off right now so I decided not to put the cart in front of the horse. Don't want to get my hopes up. So I think for my immediate future I should try to think about being with my brother and his family and out on their property and hopefully all the good that will come with that.  I like to plan/prepare ahead but now realize that at the moment (and probably for the next while) I am going to have to think more of "day to day" than tomorrow. 

[KayC]

I wonder if you could get a trailer and put it on their property?  It'd be a separate living quarters away from the hoarding, of course you'd have to have water & sewer hooked up.  If I ever get too old to be here I would hope that at my son's but would NOT relish living so near his wife or starting over in such a remote area when I know no one there.  I could have done it in Aumsville (his last place) but where he's at now is so remote!   I'd be better off in an apt. here I think but if I get to where I can't drive someday, I don't see it possible.  No public transportation.

[tnd]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I wonder if you could get a trailer and put it on their property?  It'd be a separate living quarters away from the hoarding

KayC:  I did ask my brother that, kind of half jokingly at first by mentioning maybe I could just live in an RV. But he said his property is not set up for a trailer and no, being with oxygen equipment and during the cold winters, an RV probably would not work. On the other hand, my SIL mentioned the possibility of them building a "Mother's In-Law Unit", sort of like a small guesthouse. Hhmm...now I wonder if she and my brother talk to each other...one says one thing, the other says another...I wonder if they know what the other tell me. Anyways, I would not want them to go through THAT expense. 

[tnd]

Wasn't sure where to post this next issue but since it involves the brother I'll be moving in with, thought I'd put it here. I felt that the fact that I actually made myself get out to go to the post office yesterday was a huge deal. An achievement of sorts but mostly a hard obstacle to get over. And if you read my previous post, it did prove to be difficult. After I came home I rested. I was dripping in sweat from the heat, had been heaving and worst of all, missing my husband terribly. It was like 'why do I have to go through this?". I feel like I am being tortured. I was exhausted to say the least. Cried most of the nite. Cried again this morning. No sleep. Not much of anything getting done today. Then today, my brother got on me a little about not calling Social Sec Admin back. They were to call me back with an appointment date but haven't yet. They also warned me that they were backlogged. So that's what I told my brother. I also told him that I am finding it hard to focus on things right now and maybe I should deal with the SSA after I get moved. But he said something like the squeaky wheel gets the grease. That kind of made me feel like I'm being lazy. Or like he has to crack the whip, he's in charge of me now. Kind of made me mad and all it did was made me cry more. I am losing my life as I knew it. He doesn't know I cried because what he told me had been sent via email. I am not only overwhelmed by an ocean of grief but with all that is involved in the move and of course, the SSA. So after yesterday, I just do not feel up to dealing with anything today. Question:  Am I just looking for an excuse to feel sorry for myself? Am I using my grief to avoid dealing with business matters and phone calls? I do plan to resume following up with the SSA next week. But not today.  

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

It is very hard to focus on any sort of paperwork during early grief. I think it is very normal to feel as you do. 

I also think moving forward with your SS disability claim is in your best interest. It can be a lengthy process and it is good to get your claim started as soon as you can, as it is what may give you the option to live independently in the future. 

I would try to take your brother's comments in as positive way as you can.  

Just as a possible ray of hope, my cousin has been deaf for decades and finally applied for disability just a couple of years ago.  She had good medical documentation of her deafness and it only took SS 60 days to approve her as disabled. They also paid 6 months of back benefits as a lump sum.  So she got several thousand dollars as her initial benefit and then a continuing monthly benefit.  She also was immediately eligible for health care (I can't remember if it was Medicare or Medicaid. She was younger than 65.)  So if you have good documentation from your current doctors, you may have more options available once you get approved. 

Good luck on this. 

Gail

[tnd]

Thank you, Gail8588. I will more than likely have to get a Disability Lawyer to help me. Rather than start here and then end up having to start again when I move in a month, I almost would rather wait until I am moved and have gotten new doctors. The doctors would have to complete forms regarding my disease and what I can and cannot physically do. What makes this even harder, which I've tried explaining to my brother but don't think he understands, is that because it is a rare illness, SSA does not have a disability category for Sarcoidosis. They have to decide on a category to put it in, like COPD. Or Cystic Fibrosis. 

From what I read, those with Sarcoidosis end up fighting/appealing for several years....only to still be denied. Some are finally approved. But anyone afflicted with Sarc has an uphill climb. It's because it is a rare disease and not as commonly known or as easily visible or noticeable, such as kidney disease, deafness, blindness or being a paraplegic. The only way you'd know by looking at me is my use of oxygen 24/7. You'd think that would be enough "proof" for the SSA. But some people with Sarcoidosis have been denied because they were told they could still perform "light duty". Well, I don't recall ever seeing a co-worker or an employee at an office, a store or anywhere for that matter, working while on oxygen with their oxygen tank in tow. But...the SSA still will argue the matter. Meanwhile, because I am not 60 I do not qualify for Survivor Benefits (my husband was drawing from his Social Security). However, SSA told me that in some cases, spouses that are at least 50 or older AND disabled may qualify for a lesser amount of Survivor Benefits. And that is the call back I am waiting for. They are backlogged so said someone will call me with an appt time. Whether or not I have to be "officially declared" disabled to receive those benefits I do not know and neither did the SSA lady on the phone. My husband would be upset to know I cannot receive Survivor Benefits. When he first started drawing from his Social Security he mentioned it to me, as if it gave him a little bit of a peace of mind that I'd have that money. But... 

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I can't remember if it was Medicare or Medicaid. She was younger than 65.) 

It depends.  If you are approved for SSDI, you are automatically eligible for Medicare something like 24 months after the start date of your disability (not approval date; the date your doctors declared you disabled, regardless of how far back the claim goes).  If your income including your SSDI benefit is lower than a certain level, you are automatically eligible for Medicaid immediately or almost immediately (depending on the state system).  If total income including SSDI benefit and assets are below a certain level, you can also be eligible for SSI (that's the supplemental SS benefit based wholly on SSA eligibility and total income+assets).

Regardless, a reason to get on it as soon as possible mentally and physically is that back benefits are limited to X number of months.  If someone's disability date is determined to be 10 years ago, but they didn't file until 6 months ago, they will only receive back benefits within the limits of the filing date, not the disability date.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, tnd said:

Meanwhile, because I am not 60 I do not qualify for Survivor Benefits (my husband was drawing from his Social Security). However, SSA told me that in some cases, spouses that are at least 50 or older AND disabled may qualify for a lesser amount of Survivor Benefits. And that is the call back I am waiting for. They are backlogged so said someone will call me with an appt time. Whether or not I have to be "officially declared" disabled to receive those benefits 

That's correct that you may qualify for partial survivors benefits if you are determined to be disabled and 50+ years old.  I believe the process is the same as for regular SSDI, but maybe not.  If you have your own work record with SSA and you are approved for disability, you will receive the higher of either the partial survivors benefit or the SSDI benefit based on your work record.  Unfortunately, it's one or the other, not both--which sucks considering that both spouses pay into the system!

Regardless, that will all change when you reach full retirement age.  Then you will receive either the higher of his full retirement benefit or yours.  Again, either/or, not both, but always the higher of the two.

And yes, the federal government really (sorry all) screws surviving spouses this way.  There's been talk of allowing surviving spouses who are full retirement age and who have their own work record to receive their own full benefit plus 50% of what their spouse would be receiving.  That's how it's done when both spouses are alive and only one spouse has an SSA work record:  The one with the work record receives full benefits and the spouse with no work record (presumed by the government to be "the homemaker") receives a benefit that is 50% of that.

Complex?  Well of course it is.  You wouldn't expect the federal government to make this simple!

[KayC]

My sister has had macular degeneration for YEARS and done NOTHING about it!  As soon as her broken ribs heal I will be on her like a stuck hog to get her into the Ophthalmologist  Damage is already done.  That said, I feel I must nag her because she does NOTHING and it takes wearing on her to get her to do anything...for instance, her electricity doesn't work to her dryer so her response is to let everything in the house get filthy to where I have to take it all home and launder it!  (Not a suitable permanent solution as it's a 20 mile round trip x two each time!)  $ is not an issue for her.  She can't clean adequately as she's very overweight and disabled so her answer is to let it go completely.  I refuse to do it as I have pain and loss of strength and am barely handling getting by myself!  I will continue to encourage her to hire someone.  (She can easily pay what she would have on a car, insurance, maintenance, gas.).  I have to give her rides everywhere.

She lost her husband nine months ago.  I know it's hard to focus, especially in the early months.  But somehow I had to continue going to work (looking for a job during recession a few months in), cleaning my house, getting groceries, cooking, paying bills, etc.  I didn't see that as an option.  But we are very different people, she has ALWAYS buried her head in the sand and has never had common sense, although she's very intelligent...more so than myself! 

I do not see you as someone who is avoiding doing what you need to do, you explained to your brother already, and it IS hard to focus in early grief!  You are dealing with moving, AND disability on top of grief, and that is HUGE!  He has not been there so cannot understand.  I reckon all you can do is IGNORE his nagging and continue doing what you feel is best.  I should give you my sister's number as she's expert at that!    Seriously, I truly love her, as much or more than anyone in my life, we've always been close.

[Diane R. E.]

21 hours ago, tnd said:

Question:  Am I just looking for an excuse to feel sorry for myself? Am I using my grief to avoid dealing with business matters and phone calls? I do plan to resume following up with the SSA next week. But not today.

Hi tnd; IMO there is nothing wrong with taking one day without having to deal with the SSA or other business matters, especially with the previous day you had. You have to be rested and in the right frame of mind to deal with these issues - I've been there and it only made me feel worse physically and emotionally if I tried to deal with those things when I wasn't up to it. Also IMO, there's nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself once in awhile - I think we've earned that right. As long as we don't get stuck in self-pity and totally avoid dealing with business matters, taking a day off helps in the long run (my 2 cents). 

[tnd]

Thank you everyone for the replies and all the info you provided. I will start the follow-up with the SSA tomorrow -after my doctors appt. This appt was scheduled months ago and while I still have insurance this month, I decided I will go. Hopefully no gagging on this outing. I see what people mean about time being of the essence when it comes to applying for Disability and/or assistance. I've just been so overwhelmed here. If I do one thing I find I need "time off" literally to rest, cry and to put my head back on. I cry a lot missing my husband and then cry because he's not here to help me, physically or just to give me moral support. We gave each other a lot of moral support, every day. We learned to be patient with each other and if there was something I could do for him but he wasn't up to it, then I did it and vice-versa. Now that support, that "team work" is gone. Not just the income but the partnership we had in our marriage. Gone now. I am going to have to adjust to that and then also learn what I can/cannot rely on my brother and SIL for. Like what kind of moral support or understanding will I have when I need it...that type of thing. And I don't want to be treated like a child or lazy or stupid. If I wasn't ill AND grieving, I think I'd be in a better position. I might have more confidence and the energy it takes. But with the way I am, at least for the time being, I literally have to choose carefully what I can do or am up to dealing with. Really sucks. Notice I didn't say sad...altho...  

[KayC]

I really relate to what you're saying, it is overwhelming.  I make lists and try to prioritize things and that helps me, that said, you just lost him!  I could barely even think at that point, I did have to go back to work within two weeks, I actually had to go in and do payroll five days after he died, I don't know how I did it but I broke down and cried at work.

[tnd]

Through tears and agony, I am going to try my darndest to see anything positive that might come along. I need to have hope to keep going or I won't. Got a very nice email from my SIL telling me she is excited about me coming. This was huge for me. She then talked about what I like to eat, saying she hopes I like healthy food and veggies because my brother and 2 nephews do not. She also mentioned her garden They've moved around a lot over the years and have only been in their new house/location for two. And like I said, they live waaay out in the country outside a tiny little town. I take it she hasn't made new friends there yet or has any other women to talk to. Perhaps we will be on more common ground now than I thought because I haven't had another woman-friend or anyone for that matter here to talk to either. And funny she mentioned her garden because I was thinking of asking if I could try my hand at it. Just a small space of it. Anyways, her email was very nice and cheered me up. And it gave me hope...HOPE that she and I will get along and that we will be good friends and she won't look at me as a burden or invader.   

[foreverhis]

On 6/25/2021 at 1:47 PM, tnd said:

Question:  Am I just looking for an excuse to feel sorry for myself? Am I using my grief to avoid dealing with business matters and phone calls? I do plan to resume following up with the SSA next week. But not today.  

I meant to reply to this yesterday, but forgot.

To answer you directly:  No and No.  You are grieving deeply and have that compounded with being forced to move, financial stresses, a very serious health condition, having to navigate family dynamics, and just everything that is so hard and painful.  That you are able to function at all is amazing, IMO.  Why shouldn't you feel sorry for yourself?  You have earned that right and then some!  We all have.

You know your limits and you must respect that your mind, heart, AND body can only take so much at once.

If you want a really good reason to "forgive" yourself for not being on top of everything all the time:  The SSDI process is complex.  The last thing you want to do is make any errors that could delay approval or result in you being forced to appeal a bad decision.  It would be immeasurably beneficial if your brother or another trusted family member could help you.  The claimant forms are quite detailed and you need to be able to fully answer the questions, as well as give complete information.  You also have to have your doctors do their part--and we all know that sometimes doctors need a nudge, if not a shove.

If I may suggest one thing a friend found useful and if it's possible for you to do:  Ask people who know you well, who have seen how your Sarcoidosis affects every bit of your life, to write letters on your behalf and then append them to your claim forms as supporting documentation.  My friend had to go through two appeal phases.  For the second appeal, we wrote letters saying who we were, how long we'd known him, and how we'd seen the ways that his disability had changed everything about his life.  I think it was especially helpful that we could talk about everything he was no longer able to do besides a career he loved.  He'd had to give up traveling and being involved in theater and music; he was rarely able to go to concerts, plays, etc; he felt unreliable because he so often had to cancel even simple plans.  There was more, but you get the idea.  When the appeals judge read the five or six letters, he took them into account when he made his approval decision, which he did even before the hearing date because I had helped my friend make a binder to send to the judge in advance, noting that his time was valuable and my friend wanted him to have the information ahead of time so as not to waste the judge's time on a busy day of hearings.

I know it seems as if we and your family are maybe pushing a bit hard for you to get started.  I'm sorry if I've come across that way.  But truly, the sooner you are able to get started, both mentally and physically, the sooner you can go through the process and (fingers crossed) get approved.  Even if you keep living with your brother's family, a monthly benefit plus (hope, hope) back benefits of up to a year (I think; maybe it's 18 months) would allow you to build a nest egg, contribute financially as appropriate, and plan for future independence.  The hope of that possibility alone may help get you through some of your darkest hours.

I am sending you all the comfort and care in the world as you start your grief journey.  ((HUGS))

 

[KayC]

I am hoping with you for friendship with your SIL as well.  At least this sounds promising.  Sending you positive thoughts your way today!

[tnd]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I know it seems as if we and your family are maybe pushing a bit hard for you to get started.  I'm sorry if I've come across that way.  But truly, the sooner you are able to get started, both mentally and physically, the sooner you can go through the process and (fingers crossed) get approved.

foreverhis:  No, I very much appreciate you taking the time to provide me with all this info on SSDI. And thanks too, for the moral support. I understand now why time is of the essence. SSA is still backlogged for phone appts but said they will call with a date/time. Otherwise, I will give them another couple days and check again.

Maddening that I am so stressed about everything. I cry on the phone with everybody I need to talk with and it's wearing me out. That's when I feel at a low point and question whether I should even live. Then I don't sleep. Bad enough that my medicine screws up my sleep but now I stay awake worrying about stuff. One drug I take is actually an anti-cancer drug in oral form. I take it once a week and then it leaves me feeling wiped out for 2 days. There really is no adjusting to that, 2 days is 2 days. But I guess if I want to think positive, it leaves me with 5 days to do stuff. And it helps me breath better. Thank you again for all your help and support. *double hugs* 

[KayC]

It's only been three weeks, what you are feeling is very common to early grief.  I'd say give yourself a month in and then maybe contact soc. sec. about disability, I've heard it takes an average two years even with doctor's say so, but having them vouch for you helps a lot.  Maybe file before you move so you'll have your current doctor's recommendation on board with your claim.  Of COURSE  you feel stressed, how can you not!  This is stressful at best (and I don't know of a "best" in conjunction with loss/grief).

[tnd]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Of COURSE  you feel stressed, how can you not!  This is stressful at best (and I don't know of a "best" in conjunction with loss/grief).

KayC:  It was piled on me today but I was not surprised. Actually half expected it really. SSA says I will not qualify for Disability because I've been a housewife since 2010 and have not worked recently enough to have paid enough "recent" "tax quarters" into the system. Now mind you, I first started working as a kid when I was 12. Back then that's when you got your Soc Sec number...your first job. Then, in later years after my husband and I were laid off we decided that he'd find a new job while I became a housewife. Now I am being penalized for it. At least that's how it feels. When I turn 62 (I'm 57) I can start drawing from my Social Security that I paid into all the years that I worked. Ha...but they don't count being a housewife as "working". But I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this is a slap in the face. 

Meanwhile, I may qualify for Widowers Benefits (not the same as Survivors Benefits, you have to 60+ for that). For Widowers Benefits you have to be 50 and disabled. But you have to be officially declared disable. I have not. I will have to start the process and for me and the disease I have (Sarcoidosis) it will be a long one, could take years and I will probably be better off getting a Disability Lawyer to help. Probably not happening until after I move. So more was piled on me today but still not as bad as losing my husband. I've been telling people, including my brother that getting Disability or being declared disabled is not something that happens very quickly with just an application. Especially when you have a rare disease. I've already done some crying over this so didn't cry after talking with SSA today. Hate to say it but almost could care less about anything else that happens...won't bring back my husband.  

[Gail 8588]

Tnd,

In my zombie years, I felt everything I did was just moving chairs on the Titanic.  

But really a lot of what I did was pretty important (selling my home and avoiding foreclosure, finishing up work and retiring, etc). It just felt pointless at the time. 

I honestly don't know how I got through all that.  I do know my life is better now because I did get my financial affairs in order, even though at the time it felt pointless. 

I hope you will feel that way too, in the future. 

Gail

 

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, tnd said:

For Widowers Benefits you have to be 50 and disabled. But you have to be officially declared disable. I have not. I will have to start the process

This is what I'd go for then.  And I hope and pray it's as painless as possible, don't give up or give in.  (((hugs)))

[tnd]

So today my brother said something about my move and the travel plans. Didn't really make sense to me but oh well...here it comes...the loss of having my own place, my freedom, having choices and the worst, my husband and the life he and I had together. While I am grateful to my brother and SIL for wanting to take me in, that's another thing....I feel like I will never get to complain or have my way or get to make my own decisions because I should just be grateful that I will have a roof over my head. After all, I do not want to be ungrateful! Oh no, I should feel darn lucky! I'm a lucky gal! Not! I feel like crap. Literally losing everything now. Other people making all the decisions for me now. I wonder if this is what elderly people feel like when they have to move in with family or into a nursing or convalescent home. Sure, I can always hope that the future will be brighter but even so, it will be a long ways off. Meanwhile, I will have to bite my tongue and just be ever-so-darn-grateful.   

[Gail 8588]

It's frustrating. It's not the life you had planned. It's full of uncertainty. It's unfair. 

You have every right to feel all the conflicting feelings you are experiencing. 

It is miserable to have your whole life ripped away from you. And the one person you could depend on to console you through hard times isn't here to tell you, "we will be alright, we'll get through this."

I'm so sorry life has taken this miserable turn. 

Gail

[foreverhis]

Oh tnd, I really wish I could just reach through the screen and give you a huge comforting hug.  I know it wouldn't change your situation, but person-to-person contact with someone else who is grieving and who "gets it" might at least make you feel less alone for a moment.

Though it's hard to "hear" tone of voice online, I am reading you loud and clear.  Besides grieving the loss of the love of your life and the life/world you had together, you have to deal with other people's expectations and demands/requirements (shoot, I'm not sure what word is right here).  You are going from being an independent adult who makes her own choices sharing life with her beloved husband to being forced into constant gratitude mode with other people telling you what to do and making choices for you without your approval.  The words I'd use, if it were me (and who knows, some day it could be) are resentment and anger. 

I do hope you can find the strength to talk to your brother about this.  Of course you are and should be thankful that he and his family are helping you, but that doesn't mean that he should expect to take over your life or treat you as if you are another child in "his" household.  IMO, you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells for fear that the slightest upset would leave you stranded.  Nor should you be expected to constantly convey your gratitude like some character in Oliver Twist.

All of this is on top of not having time now to even absorb the shocking changes and crushing grief you feel.

Of course it's easy for me to sit here and say these things to you.  It would be much harder for me to do them myself.  I'm glad you are coming here to vent and talk to us about it.  This is the place to rant and scream whenever necessary!  I think you know by now that when you are here, you are not alone.  Actually, even when you're not here, we are here for you, thinking about you, and praying for you.  ((HUGS))

[KayC]

14 hours ago, tnd said:

I wonder if this is what elderly people feel like when they have to move in with family or into a nursing or convalescent home.

My sister has really been struggling with these feelings, she lost her husband nine months ago and when she fell and went to the hospital a month ago, a nurse told her she would never get to come home.  She's been through hell this month.  I finally brought her home yesterday, if she wants to continue to live there she needs to make better decisions/choices, yes it's come to that, she needs to pay her bills, hire someone to clean and help her care for herself, at the very least.  I am going to her house today to bring her a pot of homemade soup and pay her bills and get her pills ready for the week.  She has dementia so is struggling with that AND has never had common sense to start with, it's worsened.  But I know she wants to be in her home, so I'm hoping she'll agree to call an electrician for her bad wiring and a caregiver/housekeeper.  It IS very hard to feel you've lost control of your own life and that's why I'm doing everything I can to help her stay there...my other sister just wants to put her in a home, I said no.  I guess that's why I'm her only listed "contact."  Now if only she'd make my life easier by signing a POA.

ALL of your feelings are valid!  You can feel grateful you have a roof over your head, all while lamenting/grieving your independence and own space.  These are part of the secondary losses to grief and they're very real.  Yes, we hope with you that it is temporary, maybe no more than a couple of years at best.

[tnd]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

You are going from being an independent adult who makes her own choices sharing life with her beloved husband to being forced into constant gratitude mode with other people telling you what to do and making choices for you without your approval.  The words I'd use, if it were me (and who knows, some day it could be) are resentment and anger. 

foreverhis:  Thank you so very much for the support. I most need that right now and especially from people who really get what I am going through. My brother and SIL aren't treating me like a child but, rather than include me in plans they just "tell" me. I'd like to be asked so that I can give my input. I know they mean well and much of the time and travel plans have to be based around their needs/schedule and maybe they've got personal reasons for how they want to get me moved but, I may have personal reasons too as far as the when and how. And like with most things, I explain things to people but it seems they don't listen. For instance, I keep reiterating to them that I need to figure out my oxygen equipment issue. But I get no response from them about that and yet, like I keep telling them, that is THE MOST critical concern I have. It's not like I can turn in my current O2 equipment and hit the road with no O2 and then find a new supplier when I get there. And then there's the matter of how it's going to be paid for. Oxygen equipment is not cheap and my insurance is going bye-bye in August. Anyways, it's the whole enchilada that is upsetting....I no longer can consider just myself. Any decision I make will have to be ran by "them". My husband and I use to wish that we could afford to move into an assisted living place so that we could still have our freedom but have a little help when we needed it. But those places are expensive. Living with family, as grateful as I am, is a life that is "not mine".