How Do You Deal With Moving In w/Family Now?

[tnd]

2 minutes ago, John9 said:

I woke up yesterday in PAIN and the thought came to me immediately that at least hopefully she isn't in pain anymore

John9:  There is no pain felt in Heaven. At least that is what I've always been told and my husband said it too. I'm sure it says that somewhere in the Bible but I believe it. With everything you told me about your wife, I am sure she's there. God know we are not perfect, He's the one who created us! He knows! It doesn't mean we can purposely be bad but He knows when we have been. I've been asking for His forgiveness A LOT lately for every little thing I've ever done or said. And I kind of figured that with my illness that with all this stress I'd be dead by now. That my body would just give out. Each day is torture. And God help me if someone puts me in restraints. I wouldn't be able to remove my oxygen if they did. I'd be forced to "live" if you could call it that. 

My husband didn't believe in ghosts and said we shouldn't and that the only thing "beyond" that we should believe in is God. And that we are not to put anyone or even ghosts above God. Well, because of some past experiences I've had, I am undecided about ghosts. But if there are ghosts, let's hope I can come back and haunt some people. I've got a couple in mind already...

[tnd]

So now the lady with APS just emailed me. She wanted to know the name of the leasing agent that told me I needed to be out of my apt by the end of the month. WTH??? I never said that! I told her AND my brother and SIL that I let the apt. manager know that my husband had passed and that I have no income so can't stay. I gave her 30-day notice of this because my brother had told me he would come get me before the end of the month! And now he's not. The apt. manager has always been very good to me and this was no exception. She is letting me break the lease with no penalty. Meanwhile, I have reason to believe that my apartment has already been rented to a new tenant to move in sometime in September. Like I said, I told my brother and SIL this AND the lady with APS. So why would she be asking me about my lease?? Why do I feel that no one is listening to me?? Why is time being so wasted?? I swear, I am living in a world of cold, selfish AND incompetent people! 

[John9]

2 minutes ago, tnd said:

And God help me if someone puts me in restraints. I wouldn't be able to remove my oxygen if they did. I'd be forced to "live" if you could call it that. 

THIS comment right there is ONE of the things that truly "haunts" me. Because of how things fell apart the last days of her life with her being Hospitalized and me "having" to care for MIL and on the last visit that I saw her and the fact that she HATED to be restrained in any way. I told the Doctor who was inserting the IV into her arm when he "strapped" it down she couldn't stand being restrained and I believe that when they had to prepare her for the flight that they restrained her for her safety that with everything else she was going through it was TOO MUCH and pushed her over the edge and that was a factor in her death. That will always haunt/bother me because I wasn't/couldn't be there to try to calm her and explain to "everyone" the problem with restraints and her reaction. This is my LIFE now and this is what always goes through my mind. As far as "haunting" I am not in a position to say whether you are "allowed" to do so BUT I just said to my son the other day I would "try" to visit to help him if it is possible because I know it will be hard on him but I am convinced he can handle it when I die because he is young and has support that I don't have. I have tried to put him in a better position than I was/am in even though he will have problems/issues if I die before my friends estate is settled and honestly that is really the only thing that I can think is keeping me here but I warned him if it happens he will just have to deal with it because that is just how bad things can be sometimes and I also told him that IF I die before MIL I don't expect him to be able to do what I am doing and he will have to do what he has to do.

[John9]

tnd,

This may be a classic case of miscommunication, the agent could be working off the Covid "no eviction" ruling and thinking because of incorrect information from SIL that you are being THROWN out. I am only guessing because all information is not being given to you directly because she didn't ask you any of this when she said "no Housing" All should have been done in person with you and your "Case Worker" which you didn't receive because you have no case worker. This situation is completely out of hand and now someone/everyone is looking for pass blame.

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

I saw her and the fact that she HATED to be restrained in any way

John9:  It was probably for her safety and they should have told her that. After going into full respiratory arrest during a bronchoscopy, they had to intubate me and put me on a ventilator. But I was still knocked out by anesthetic so wasn't aware of it. I woke up with my wrists restrained. But it was so that I wouldn't try to yank out the breathing tube and cause permanent damage to my throat and vocal cords. And they told me this as soon as I could comprehend things. I can't be sure but I would think that is why they restrained your wife, in case she needed to be intubated. But also, you mentioned your wife did not like being restrained in any way. So unfortunately, the safety straps on the gurney in the helicopter probably did scare her. Yes it was for her safety and yes they should have explained that to her and let's pray they did. But I certainly understand you being haunted by the picture of it. I am so sorry you have that image in your mind. I have a terrible image in my mind too of my husband's last moments. It is terrible to live with.    

5 minutes ago, John9 said:

This may be a classic case of miscommunication, the agent could be working off the Covid "no eviction" ruling and thinking because of incorrect information from SIL that you are being THROWN out.

John9:  That is what I am thinking. Everyone is on auto-pilot because of Covid. Seems now that Covid kills in more ways than one..  

[tnd]

I am going to be mortified if the lady with APS asks my apartment manager "why are you kicking her out of her apartment?" That is NOT what is happening. My apt. mgr. has always been very kind and good to me and my husband. She is not throwing me out. She's going to be very shocked and hurt to think that is what I told APS. Oh gawd. Help me! 

[John9]

5 minutes ago, tnd said:

Seems now that Covid kills in more ways than one..  

My wife did NOT die from Covid BUT, I feel if it didn't exist things would have played out differently because nobody could have delayed her care saying she was having a reaction to the vaccine. It is causing many issues in "real" life as I said earlier delaying routine things, medical care, legal matters, paperwork because people aren't in their "offices" but working remotely....

1 minute ago, tnd said:

I am going to be mortified if the lady with APS ask my apartment manager "why are you kicking her out of her apartment?" That is NOT what is happening. My apt. mgr. has always been very kind and good to me and my husband. She is not throwing me out. She's going to be very shocked and hurt to think that is what I told APS. Oh gawd. Help me! 

I think that maybe you might want to talk to her about how things "fell" apart for you and IF the APS worker says something it is because she is talking to SIL and not you.

[tnd]

1 minute ago, John9 said:

My wife did NOT die from Covid BUT, I feel if it didn't exist things would have played out differently because nobody could have delayed her care saying she was having a reaction to the vaccine.

John9:  When I called the dialysis clinic to let them know my husband passed, the nurse said yes, the hospital called to tell them he died of Covid. WTH?? He didn't have Covid! And these are people who call themselves a professional. Licensed, highly trained and experienced individuals....all screwing up and messing with people's lives and we are just expected to forgive them or trust them with our own lives now? You got to be kidding me! 

[John9]

8 minutes ago, tnd said:

And these are people who call themselves a professional.

Sadly, in some cases the only thing that makes someone a professional is they get paid for it. I have gone round and round with people telling them the same thing that is "supposed" to be "in the computer" and there is no record of it. I learned many years ago "keep" record of who/when you spoke to because it is always going to be up to you to prove anything and everything. That is one good thing about using emails to communicate because you have the record you at least sent it. Basically figure that nobody is going to do their job and you will have to deal with someone else. But as I have said before it isn't going to bother them like it will "us" like when you receive a reminder for something that supposed to be cancelled because the person died.....This type of issue is annoying under the best of circumstances but when grieving it is almost unforgivable and just makes us feel that much worse at the worst time. And they don't get it too.

[Gail 8588]

4 hours ago, John9 said:

. . . I am just not sure how much more my body and mind can take. I honestly expected to be dead by now and am very surprised that I am not  . . .

John9,

Your words are exactly how I felt for a long time.  I could not believe that my mind and body could continue to endure the pain. How could it be that I didn't die last night?  My head was exploding, surely blood vessels were rupturing. How could I wake up the next morning still alive?  Not everyday was that bad, but there were a lot of days that were really bad. 

I have no idea if God has a plan in play here, all I know is I didn't die.

I am praying that your pain ends before your life does, so that you will have some peace here on earth.  

Gail 

 

[John9]

Gail 8588,

9 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I have no idea if God has a plan in play here, all I know is I didn't die.

I am praying that your pain ends before your life does, so that you will have some peace here on earth.  

Honestly, at this point I would be "happy" with a tie. I do wake up disappointed that I wake up at all and have to do it all over again and again. I am aware that "most" have felt this way at some point in their grieving, but it is just too much. The whole "not more than you can handle concept" is truly a test in and of itself and as tnd said I have asked for God's forgiveness and apologized for anything that I ever have done that was wrong in his eyes but still I am here "suffering" and feeling tortured and ALONE and the only ones who understand are on this site. ALL I do know is that everyday I wake up I am one day closer to the end whenever that will be.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, tnd said:

When I called the dialysis clinic to let them know my husband passed, the nurse said yes, the hospital called to tell them he died of Covid. WTH?? He didn't have Covid!

I've heard they're classifying things that way to get extra $.  Many deaths attributed to it that were not.

I hope you made reply to the woman to reiterate that you told her you had no $ to pay rent because your husband died, and so they've found another tenant.  

To some of the rest of the discussion:  I don't believe God is torturing us but life sure has a way of doling out XXX and unfairly at that.  I no longer question, wasted energy, instead I just keep plugging away at trying to deal with what's at hand.  Is it no wonder I feel I'm just putting out fires, LOL!  My sister coming back tomorrow, although I'll be glad to see her, I kind of dread it in a sense, it's a lot of pressure on me, it was nice to have a respite even if it meant worrying about losing my home/everything I own.  "Life sucks, and then you die."  What I always used to say jokingly.  Now it's not a joke.

16 hours ago, tnd said:

There is no pain felt in Heaven. At least that is what I've always been told and my husband said it too. I'm sure it says that somewhere in the Bible but I believe it. 

"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."  Revelation 21:4

[John9]

19 minutes ago, KayC said:

"Life sucks, and then you die."  What I always used to say jokingly.  Now it's not a joke.

It I guess was always my way to use humor (even dark) to try to deal with everything bad that had happened in my life but now not even the dark humor can help me. We deal with what we deal with however we can but it is overwhelming for me at this time because of this particular loss/death. I know I have said it before but she truly was my EVERYTHING and I don't know what is supposed to make me WANT to keep going. I have momentary "positives" in the facts that she "didn't" have to contend with what I am having to, that her "suffering" wasn't very long and things of that sort but it doesn't stop the LONELINESS it doesn't help the pain and it really doesn't make me feel any better about her dying. I only "know" that there is no way she would have made it through these problems without MAJOR support and I don't think she would have received it from anyone. That makes me sad also because of course if I had died there would have been nothing I could do to help her just as she can't help me now when I really need her the most. I don't really mean to question God in the way it might seem from my posts but I am at the WHY stage and might be until I DIE. I do not know how long I will be here as none of us do but I will continue to say it and I am okay if nobody agrees with me but I feel tortured and punished and that I am failing any tests that there might be. This is me and how I feel.

[tnd]

20 hours ago, John9 said:

But as I have said before it isn't going to bother them like it will "us" like when you receive a reminder for something that supposed to be cancelled because the person died.....This type of issue is annoying under the best of circumstances but when grieving it is almost unforgivable

John9:  I get those too. And I already know that it will continue for a long time. My husband use to get stuff for his first (deceased) wife for years. He had even called these places but you know how it goes...the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. One of my biggest pet peeves. Poor communication might as well be "no communication".  

[tnd]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Revelation 21:4

BIG THANKS for that, KayC!   I know we are not being punished by God but it IS punishing to go through this. 

 

5 hours ago, KayC said:

My sister coming back tomorrow, although I'll be glad to see her, I kind of dread it in a sense, it's a lot of pressure on me, it was nice to have a respite

KayC:  I wish you didn't have to be doing so much. I don't know, it would probably be hard to actually schedule but I wish there was some way you could get regular/frequent respites.     

[tnd]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

she truly was my EVERYTHING and I don't know what is supposed to make me WANT to keep going.

John9:  I've lost my purpose too. Every week and then every month that my husband was in the hospital, we kept each other going over the phone by reassuring one another to hang in there...just one more week or just a few more weeks, etc. And then, a few days before he passed he sounded almost well enough to come home. So when he died, it was like the damn burst after being fixed and repaired for so long. Hung onto hope for so long and then suddenly, ALL was gone. And being that my husband gave me purpose and given the fact that things have just steadily or rather, rapidly gone downhill since his death, I can't think of any reason for living. Every time I dig myself out I get knocked back down only now I don't hardly have even a chance at digging. I am very sorry that you've lost your "everything" too, I know we have to keep going but it sure is going to take a lot to even consider it now.  

[John9]

tnd,

Thank you for understanding what I am trying to convey, I know that "most" here do understand but it really hurts so much and really she was the only reason I ever wanted to be "here" at all when she was alive. Even before she died sometimes the last few years have been a little too much at times and with her support it was bearable, NOW not so much. When things just keep compiling and compiling I don't know what to do about it. I am still doing what I can to keep going but it is difficult without the support I used to have from my wife because if nothing else she was a good "distraction" mentally and physically. I miss her so much more and more every day.....

[tnd]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

sometimes the last few years have been a little too much at times and with her support it was bearable, NOW not so much.

John9:  Exactly. We were each other's support. We knew what the other needed on a bad day or what motivated us. They knew what we liked and didn't like. They knew everything about us. We don't have that same kind of relationship with others because we were married to just one person. We may have good relationships with others and even close relationships but nothing like you have in a marriage. And even though it wouldn't be the same as the support we had from our spouses, it would help to have some sort of support from family and friends. And when we don't, it just seems to make our grief all the more unbearable. It is so isolating. And it is so humiliating and angering at the same time to not be heard or understood, even when we explain it to our families and friends. I get that they aren't able to understand if they haven't lost a spouse but gee whiz, even after explaining how we feel and what we need or want they still alienate us. Like how my SIL told me I was playing victim. That was worse than be alienated. And she and my brother knew the hell I was going through all these months here alone, praying and waiting for my husband to come home. And she still verbally attacked me. And like you, recent years have not been too kind for my husband and I. We had it pretty rough but we were getting by and looking ahead. Because we SUPPORTED one another. And now? That support is gone and if not for the people on this site here, we'd have none.  

[John9]

tnd,

What you said is very much on point and again why it is so hard. When I was talking to my wife's cousin and she was saying how hard it was I mentioned this site to try to help her, even though they weren't married and they had an off and on relationship she is still struggling because of no support and sadly she is the only one to take that step. I know that it may not sound like it but this site has made it somewhat more tolerable or bearable. I have accepted that there is no support for me like I would have from my wife and sadly very little support from those close to me because it seems too difficult for them to keep any consistent contact with me and I am not mad just hurt. I was talking to our son the other day about his "not so" Great Aunts and the reason I think they are not contacting "us". If you weren't in contact when someone was alive how will you miss them when they are gone. That statement also "explains" why "we" miss our loved ones so much. Because we were with them all the time and not in an annoying way, we miss them so much. The "lost" friends and family are classic "out of site out of mind". How do you miss something if you didn't have it, the closeness of a relationship is what we all looked for and it was taken from us.

[Sparky1]

25 minutes ago, John9 said:

How do you miss something if you didn't have it, the closeness of a relationship is what we all looked for and it was taken from us.

John, how true these words are. I'm coming up on 10 months of losing my wife and I still have those moments of an overwhelming sense of despair. The loneliness is tough but it has softened a tiny little bit, I guess because my work is keeping me occupied. Next year, I can retire early and I look forward to it, yet I dread having more time on my hands. It can only make the loneliness that much tougher. All our anticipation of me retiring and spending more time together and doing more things has evaporated to nothing. A day hasn't gone by that I haven't broken down, even at work. And it's many times a day at that. At bedtime it never fails and I keep asking why, eventually I fall asleep from being tired from work. I look at portraits of my wife and tell her how beautiful she is and how I love her and miss her so much. She was my true soulmate, I can still see it in her eyes on the portrait. This is truly a horrible journey that is excruciating at times and no matter what anybody says, unless they're going through it like we are here, they don't know the pain.

[Gail 8588]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

I've heard they're classifying things that way to get extra $.  Many deaths attributed to it that were not.

Kay, 

Not meaning any disrespect to you, as I really do admite you very much, I think there is no truth at all to the statement I quoted above. I believe this is misformation spread specifically to make people not trust in our hospitals, heath departments, etc.  (Not that I think you are intentionally spreading misinformation.  I think this type of comment was initially spread as disinformation, hoping well-intentioned people like you will repeat it.) 

Covid is very real.  I know hospital administrators in 2 hospitals in different  Florida cities, and they both tell me that they have to fight to truthfully classify a death as covid, that the politicians are doing everything they can to not count a death as covid even though the doctors know covid is what caused the blood clots that caused the death. (just one example of a covid complication death that our Governor does not want recorded as a covid death.)

Many widely circulated internet claims of motorcycle crash fatalities being labeled as covid deaths have been proven to be false, yet the false claims continue to be circulated forever on the internet. 

Whenever you read an internet claim that some unidentified "they" claim government institutions are lying, can't be trusted, etc,  remember that this may very well be a message started by a foreign adversary to weaken our country, to turn us against our institutions. Or it could have been stated by one of our own citizens that has grown cynical and puts out a claim that they don't really have any basis to know is true. They just spew out constant streams of "they are all liers and cheats, everyone knows they are."  

In Tnd's case it may very well have been that the hospital notified the dialysis center that her husband had died and the dialysis center employee just assumed it was covid.  Maybe the hospital employ misspoke when talking to the dialysis center employee.  But it is a really big leap to conclude that the dialysis technician's comment to Tnd  is somehow verification of widespread falsification of medical records inflating covid deaths. 

I know from my 2 contacts here in Florida, that they are fighting a lot of pressure to under report covid deaths.  I hope that most states' heath departments are allowed to simply report accurate numbers of covid deaths.  I fear that Florida is not alone in being pressured to under report the extent of covid deaths. 

Again, I am not saying you are trying to intentionally mislead people, I don't think that.  But without having any real proof of these accusations, that hospitals and doctors are inflating covid death numbers, I think it is very damaging to our country to make such assertions.  

People know you to be a kind, good person. When you repeat this type of comment, you give it more credibility than it deserves.

Gail

 

 

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

 I know we are not being punished by God but it IS punishing to go through this. 

That's a really good way to think of the distinction between the two.  It's all too easy to lump all of it into "I'm being punished" (whether we believe in a specific God, an overall higher power, or simply "the universe").

 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, John9 said:

I guess was always my way to use humor (even dark) to try to deal with everything bad that had happened in my life

We got that from our dad.  I remember when my little sister had a baby born without a brain, she went and got a tshirt made for her baby daughter that said (Wizard of Oz) "If I only had a brain" a lot of people probably thought it sick, but we (our family) have ALWAYS used humor to diffuse things and make them more tolerable.  I got it.  She was not makiing light of it, quite the contrary, it hit her hard, this is just our way.  When my dad was dying we went to see him in the hospital.  We were looking quite somber, me seven months pregnant, my husband with his protruding belly, and my dad tried to lighten the mood and said, "It's okay, I've got to stick around...and see which one of you has that baby!"  Harhar, my husband quipped, and was I not surprised his last words to me were joking.

17 hours ago, tnd said:

I know we are not being punished by God but it IS punishing to go through this.

Oh boy, do I get this!  Aptly put.

17 hours ago, tnd said:

KayC:  I wish you didn't have to be doing so much.

Last night I made a big pot of soup chock full of flavor and nutrition (she still doesn't have her dental plate because of the evacuation) to take to her today so she'd have something to eat.  Not sure she appreciates what I do.  I discovered she hadn't touched what I brought August 3, a full week BEFORE the evacuation.  Nothing more sinful to me than wasting good food.   I would have eaten it had I not brought it to HER.

I'm sorry I offended you Gail.  I never say anything about my views on Politics, Covid or immunizations, not on FB or anywhere.  I watch local news and Inside Edition and read the newspaper, still I have heard this.  Personally I've lost faith in politicians all sides.  Not trying to sway anyone any way whatsoever! I apologize for my remark, it has no place here and I meant no offense to anyone here, we all have enough problems.

[John9]

Sparky1,

I am one who "knows" what the ALONE time can and will do to you after you retire. I am not officially retired since I care for MIL, but she isn't "here" and not a source of companionship to speak of. The thoughts that go through my head shouldn't. I am still basically a person just going through the motions and it hasn't been as long for me as you (today is day 160) but I wake up crying, cry all day at the drop of a hat, and cry in bed at night. I can't stand being ALONE and yet this is my life right now and WILL be until I die, from.....I have tried to explain to people the various reasons why it is so hard but they don't understand. My wife was the only one who loved me, understood me, cared for me, stood by me, stood with me, had my back, all of the things that your soulmate would be there for she was it. And it was all just ripped away from me and it hurts and suck and I absolutely hate it. This is just so wrong and so hard and again the ones who should be there helping us don't get it and won't unless they are in our situation and sadly some still won't understand because their love isn't at the same levels as ours is.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, John9 said:

she isn't "here" and not a source of companionship to speak of.

How well I know this.  Still I was happy to see my mom even at stage IV, but that was my mom,. not someone else.  She was always happy to see me when her dementia got bad, she didn't treat us right when she had her wits about her though.  Sigh.  People can be complicated.

I know what you mean, we've lost companionship, I can't believe it's been 16 years for me...no one has cared for me like him before or since.  We always understood each other and could relate to each other.  We fell in love hearts first, how could we not.

[John9]

KayC,

I know none of us know what the future holds but I just CAN'T see me making it as long as you have, too many things against me and nothing to look forward to. It isn't up to me and that I have to accept but since it is so hard now I don't how.....

[tnd]

On 8/19/2021 at 7:15 PM, Sparky1 said:

This is truly a horrible journey that is excruciating at times and no matter what anybody says, unless they're going through it like we are here, they don't know the pain.

Sparky1:  So true.  I wonder if our "fast society" has added to people's insensitivity or lack of compassion towards others. Everybody seems to be glued to social media and going from one thing to the next...like "Well, on to the next scene now!" As if we are all living in a movie. Maybe that partly explains the "Sorry for your loss, but you need to move on" attitude. Nobody wants to be stuck or "on pause" dealing with another person's grief or needs that result in losing a loved one. Those of us grieving bog everybody down (or so it seems).   

[KayC]

4 hours ago, John9 said:

KayC,

I know none of us know what the future holds but I just CAN'T see me making it as long as you have, too many things against me and nothing to look forward to. It isn't up to me and that I have to accept but since it is so hard now I don't how.....

Hey, I didn't see it either...I didn't see how I'd make it a week without him!

[tnd]

I didn't want to post this over on the subject of "signs" but I think the fact that my brother and SIL have been silent is a sign. That's okay tho. I will be alright. I just wonder how my brother is going to feel when he gets a phone call about me. Well, I still have some time to keep plugging away at things so we'll see. 

[KayC]

Keep  trying, make phone calls to any one who will listen, please!

[John9]

12 hours ago, tnd said:

I just wonder how my brother is going to feel when he gets a phone call about me.

I actually said to my son and wife's Aunt, when I die call everyone else and say "IF YOU CARE JOHN IS DEAD TOO". I figured since nobody bothered to call when I was alive it wouldn't bother them that I was dead, one less thing for them. Then they can say that they should have called me (us) which is what they said after my wife died and didn't make any changes. I DO actually blame (anti) Social Media for many things and maybe the hurry up part of get over your grief and move on because "they" would want you to. Even those that do support me only do it occasionally, seemingly as an afterthought, like oh yeah John's wife died maybe I should see if he is okay. The visits are fewer and further between and the excuses are more frequent. I don't know if anyone will visit this weekend, last weekend was a bust so......

[Jemiga70]

@tnd I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I do not understand how family can be so callous. I am in a deep deep fog of grief, but at the very least I know my family is not cruel. I feel truly lucky -- and also guilty, because I read the stories on here of how wickedly some families behave. It disgusts me.

[tnd]

4 hours ago, John9 said:

The visits are fewer and further between and the excuses are more frequent. I don't know if anyone will visit this weekend, last weekend was a bust so......

John9:  I surely hope someone visits or calls you. I know it's not the same as being visited by your friends and family there but WE are HERE for you! We can talk about anything you want. 

I wish I had the strength to bake. Heck, I wish I could shop for the ingredients to bake some cookies. If I could, I'd take them over to some elderly neighbors across the parking lot here that I think are alone. There are 3 of them; a single man and what appears to be a disabled man and his wife. I never see anyone visit (or come/go) with them except for the 3 of them sometimes stand outside a few minutes talking. Sometimes I see them exchanging what looks like grocery bags. So they are elderly and I guess retired but alone. Regardless, I wish I could take them some cookies just to be nice and let them know I'm here. I know that is easy to say that now, especially given that I'm not going to be here much longer but I do wish I had thought of it sooner. At least the 3 of them have each other and they do drive so are able to get out on their own. In better shape than I am.  

[tnd]

4 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I read the stories on here of how wickedly some families behave. It disgusts me.

Jemiga:  Wicked is a good way to describe them. Absolutely wicked. But apparently they think I am the one who's behaving badly. Well, if by some miracle Adult Protective Services or some agency helps me into some sort of housing here, I will never speak to my so-called family again. Nothing says I have to and I won't. 

[tnd]

Many years back my mother and her roommate had a falling out. It was her roommate's house (no rental lease involved) so my mother was kicked out and with no notice. My mother had a heart condition and nowhere to go. I didn't hesitate. I moved her in with me during record summer heat, with no notice or preparation into a tiny 460 square foot 1-bedroom apartment. As soon as I could, I transferred us into a larger 2-bed/2-bath apartment. I paid for everything. My SIL called one day and said that she and my brother wished that I wouldn't help my mother out so much because it made them look bad. And my brother told me that our mother was not our responsibility. Now mind you, my mother was a stay-at home mother and a very good one. And she attended all his scholastic activities, his football games, etc...always made sure he had a hot dinner to come home to after practice, etc... Later on after us kids were on our own, my father literally walked out on my mother. No warning, no note, no nothing, And he had divorce papers written up that said unless she contested it in court (which would require a lawyer), she would get nothing. Not any of his retirement, no alimony, no medical, no NOTHING. I read the papers myself. And she couldn't afford a lawyer. And she was so upset by it that she said she didn't want anything from someone who no longer loved her anyways. So even before I moved her in with me and before she was diagnosed with a heart condition, I helped her. And then my brother and SIL said they wished I wouldn't help her. I think of that and what they said and it is absolutely chilling. So if they weren't willing to help my mother then I am certain now that they will never accept my apologies and help me.     

[John9]

tnd,

This "memory" of yours about your brother and his wife shows their true nature, they only care about how they look to others. It is a shame that the only "judgement" they will receive is if they must stand before God and explain why they did what they did. I don't know IF I would have accepted an offer to live with someone like them because I wouldn't have trusted them, BUT I know that you are grieving and in a bad situation and also had no real choice BUT....I still am hoping for your future to be a good one because I feel you could do some good out there. I think you HAVE a future to look forward to because you are THAT person we all need in our lives.

[LMR]

tnd  You are better off without these people. If he wouldn't even help his own mother!!

I have to think that the only reason he had offered help in the beginning was that they had figured out that they could benefit  when you eventually get some govt allowance. Cut them loose.

[tnd]

8 minutes ago, John9 said:

.I still am hoping for your future to be a good one because I feel you could do some good out there. I think you HAVE a future to look forward to because you are THAT person we all need in our lives.

Thank you, John9. Your kind words mean a lot to me. But I will be okay, no matter what happens. It may seem like it right now but I don't think God is in the habit of letting us down. I can only pray that when the time comes, He will wrap His arms around me and take me to that wondrous place we call "Heaven". 

I am a people-person. Very much so. If God wants me to stick around awhile and perhaps help others, then I am sure He will help me to do that. 

[tnd]

12 minutes ago, LMR said:

You are better off without these people. If he wouldn't even help his own mother!!

I am afraid you are right, LMR. I cried when I woke up this morning but now realizing a chilling fact about my own brother is making me cry. He was not like this before meeting my SIL but I honestly can't say it was her who changed him. But he wasn't raised to be so cold. I've got to stop thinking about it because it hurts.   

[John9]

14 minutes ago, tnd said:

Thank you, John9. Your kind words mean a lot to me. But I will be okay, no matter what happens. It may seem like it right now but I don't think God is in the habit of letting us down. I can only pray that when the time comes, He will wrap His arms around me and take me to that wondrous place we call "Heaven". 

I am a people-person. Very much so. If God wants me to stick around awhile and perhaps help others, then I am sure He will help me to do that. 

 

11 minutes ago, tnd said:

I am afraid you are right, LMR. I cried when I woke up this morning but now realizing a chilling fact about my own brother is making me cry. He was not like this before meeting my SIL but I honestly can't say it was her who changed him. But he wasn't raised to be so cold. I've got to stop thinking about it because it hurts. 

I hope you are right about God and Heaven and not letting us down I really do. Good luck with the not thinking because it hurts part, I can't stop my thoughts about anything no matter what I do or try which is why I am always commenting on here because I am in a constant loop of painful thoughts.

[tnd]

1 minute ago, John9 said:

I can't stop my thoughts about anything no matter what I do or try which is why I am always commenting on here because I am in a constant loop of painful thoughts.

I'm sorry for your pain. I still "think" even when I am sleeping. It's getting weirder and weirder. And...more painful. I am at that point and don't doubt you are too, that my body hurts so much now I swear I am going to split into two and fall like a tree being cut down by a lumberjack.   

[KayC]

18 hours ago, tnd said:

My SIL called one day and said that she and my brother wished that I wouldn't help my mother out so much because it made them look bad.

WHAT!!! That says all you need to know about her.  Some people cannot see past their own perspective because narcissists they may be, it's all about them.  Sorry, we don't live in a cocoon, many of us still care about others and are affected by them.  I'm glad you're one of those, not the former.

And you'll get no judgment here from any of us if you should choose not to speak to them again.  Sometimes we have to do what is healthiest for our own mental health, including not continuing to be abused.

 

[tnd]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

And you'll get no judgment here from any of us if you should choose not to speak to them again.

They still are not responding to me. I guess if by some miracle I am helped by some organization into housing and not my own family then I will not be speaking to them again. I have begged, pleaded, apologized and even blamed myself but they have blocked my calls and not responding to my emails. I even just asked if they have spoken to the rep with APS to confirm there is no shelter or housing available here. I asked that they could answer me with just a "yes or a no". And still I get silence. At this point, it is not only very childish of them but leaving me hanging like this is like cruel and unusual punishment. Very mean. The stress it has put on me is off the chart. I definitely don't deserve this treatment. It saddens me. Just a few more days left now. 

[KayC]

Call your state representative, we're fortunate to have Peter DeFazio, I don't know yours, but they have the ability to get things done whereas it seems the people who are supposed to care are failing miserably at their jobs.

[tnd]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Call your state representative,

KayC:  I was thinking the same thing. I was thinking about asking mine for help contacting/directing me to the federally funded programs here. 

[tnd]

SMALL UPDATE:   My SIL just emailed saying the rep with APS will be contacting me with a plan and that she (SIL) and my brother will provide limited assistance. I haven't heard anything yet from the rep today but I guess this is better than no news at all. If my SIL even knows what she is talking about. I'm not getting my hopes up but at this point. I am willing to live anywhere and pray I can keep my cats. You know, cats can be pretty sneaky and elusive but right now, other than my faith in God, my cats are the only ones I trust anymore. 

[Roxeanne]

33 minutes ago, tnd said:

my cats are the only ones I trust anymore. 

Tnt i hope you can keep your cats with you....i have a female cat and  i would never leave her! My loved one found her years ago, and we love her so much!

I really hope you can find a good solution for you...we are all worrying about you! My best wish and a big hug ciao Roxi

[tnd]

3 hours ago, tnd said:

SMALL UPDATE:   My SIL just emailed saying the rep with APS will be contacting me with a plan and that she (SIL) and my brother will provide limited assistance.

Well, it's after 5pm here and nobody with APS has contacted with a "plan", if there ever was one. I find it odd that if the rep had a plan that she would tell my SIL that before telling me. I'm having dark thoughts again but this is what happens when people break the trust you had in them. 

[John9]

tnd,

I am not making excuses for anyone but it is possible that before APS could say anything they have to make sure there is an "agreement" with Brother and SIL in terms of assistance. I am not saying that is the case but I do know these days everyone wants to cover their own "butts". I am hoping that it is good news and soon to relieve stress and pressure from you. Hopefully you will find out something sooner than later.

[tnd]

Just now, John9 said:

I am not saying that is the case but I do know these days everyone wants to cover their own "butts". I am hoping that it is good news and soon to relieve stress and pressure from you. Hopefully you will find out something sooner than later.

John9:  I hope you are right. I think my SIL still has her wires crossed in that thick brain of hers about me just staying in the apartment I have. I can't. I already gave notice and the place has been rented out to a new tenant mid-September. I already told my SIL and the rep this but...since SIL doesn't listen to me she's probably still hung up on that idea and just wanting to pacify me for a bit. And besides, I highly doubt APS would pay rent on this place and I doubt even more that the apartment owners would allow "low income/no income/charity" vouchers or Section 8 recipients here. This is not that kind of place.