Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Susan, learning to live with the change in you is HUGE. Even being aware of this is a great giant step into accepting who you are now and what you are able to do as you go forward.

Del, our Children have so many steps to finding their footing too. Each Child goes through grief differently and they too will change. I know that when they ask us not to change, they do so knowing that so much already has, they would hope to make the world stop changing. We know though, that it will keep changing and that they too will find their footing and discover anew, just who they have become as they face the hard reality of this loss. For my Son, there was anger, and nearly 10 years later, there is still but there is now more room in him for his Sister as she was to him, that companion in life, that partner in crime, that annoyance and that hilarious co-conspirator. Now he can keep her there in his heart in all she brought to his life, and he can tap into it with more confidence that she will always be there, riding shotgun.

[mikesmomrs]

Hello everybody...just coming by to say hello and let you all know you are thought of each day and always remembered in my prayers.

I had a good afternoon today (Sunday); a friend of ours was at church this morning...hadn't seen her in a while, and it was the Palm Sunday Mass, so we all gathered in the gym next door and did the procession over to the church, with the palms, etc. When I first went into the gym, of course memories of last year, with hubby Mike sitting by my side, flooded through my brain and the tears threatened. I sat down in one of the few remaining seats, and noticed the one next to me remained empty. I sat there and imagined my husband beside me again, with his arm about me as he sometimes did as we waited for the service to start. I looked up when I heard a noise, and it was this friend of ours coming over to say hello. We hugged and smiled and she sat down beside me...after putting her arm across my shoulders and squeezing my shoulder, just like he used to do. After church, we discussed that she almost didn't come today, and I said that I was supposed to go on Saturday night but couldn't make it at the last minute, so we decided it was meant to be that we meet this day...especially when I told her of the "empty chair" that she filled so adequately. After church, she invited me to lunch and we had a three hour long lunch with much talking and sharing. She is kind and loving and comforting. And, most importantly, understanding. My tears did not disturb her and she shed a few herself when talking of memories of her sweet mom who passed away a few years ago (we knew her also). I was glad for the visit and it did help my day.

BRENDA...I love the pictures you posted. Those grandies can keep us hopping, can't they? Don't know what I would do without them coming by. Young Mike's middle boy, Kameron, who is 15, comes every other weekend or so and spends the night. Nice to have him here. The notes of your grandies to their daddy were very special. Thanks for sharing.

SUSAN: I agree with Dee, we do absolutely change, and sometimes our family does not like this change, but it is who we are now, and we have to learn to adjust to our new self, as we continue to "adapt" and keep moving forward, whatever the pace. Closure? I don't even go there. If someone mentions it to me, I just tell them I don't believe it can happen when you lose someone you love.

BECKY: Thinking of you and hoping you are pacing yourself in your work to honor your son. I read about your getting some detailed reports and I do hope that they help.

COLLEEN: So glad that Scott accompanied you to church. Husband Mike's funeral was on a Thursday, one week after he died, and of course, we went to church on Sunday. It was hard, hard, hard. My daughters were with me, which helped, but it was quite a while before I could sit through a service without breaking down. Christmas eve mass found me a tearful, shaking mess, but everyone was there with me, even Sarah, who brought Damon, which totally surprised me, but also brought comfort that she recognized the need for support. It is a process, for sure, as we all have learned.

LORA:Hope you are doing better. Thinking of you. I found my car a place where my tears can flow freely, as well. When our son Mike died, I spent at least that first year, crying every day most all the way to work. The trip home usually found me screaming.

KATE: I hope your hubby is moving along in his healing, though I can imagine it is slow going. I hope you are keeping up with taking care of yourself, also. I know the "caregive" role well, and it can be so very draining. But, come to think of it, you know it well, also, as I remember your saying that you had some relatives you had to care for. Prayers for some relief in your hubby's recovery. I too loved your description of winter...when the snow falls here, it is truly beautiful. the last two winters produced little snow, and it just felt cold, brown and dark most of the time. My puppy also loves eating the freshly fallen snow...have to remind her sometimes what she is actually out there for! :-)

DEL: So glad to hear that your sewing machine sales are going well. Do you have to know a lot about them? I would imagine knowledge would help with the sale, but I don't know if I could learn much about the surge machines, etc., I find focusing difficult right now.

MIKE'S DAD: I think DEE's advice about the new baby and your daughter was spot on....trying to see this as bringing joy into a family who has suffered much is a good way to feel about it and I hope she comes around.

DEE: Eri's birthday coming in just a week or so, and realizing age is shocking, isn't it? Young Mike had always said that he wondered what he would look like at 40...he never got the chance, and this August he would be 38.

SUSAN: You have much wisdom in your posts, and I thank you for sharing your journey with us. It is slow, painful and often brings us to our knees, but with time the agony lessens and we learn to look for the joy in our lives again. The "pit" is always there, but we find it a little easier to climb out as time goes by...I used to say that I pulled on my joyful memories to use as rungs on a ladder to bring me out of the pit, but sometimes we just have to "dwell" there a bit...it is all part of the healing process.

SHERRY: Glad to know that you are feeling somewhat better, and I hope the promises of spring help to keep you up to par. Yes, the grandies can surely wear you out, but it is so good to have them near.

I had been finding some days to be most difficult lately, fearing that in my profound grieving for the loss of my husband, I am "forgetting" our son...I had a tear-filled session with my therapist about this very subject and he reminded me of the many stories that I tell him and that my son is always with me, as I have told him so, many times over. We discussed how, yes, I do know this, but the "daily conversations" that I had had with my husband about our son are no longer, and I almost feel as though I have lost our son again. On my way home, I was on the phone with my daughter and told her of my session. Of course, I started crying again and could barely talk. She did gently remind me that while I don't speak out loud about Mike every day like I did when his dad was here, I DO think about him every day, and this is true. I do. I found comfort in her words and have thought back on them each day since. The losses are different, indeed, but the heart is still broken and much in need of repair again. It is a slow, minute-by-minute process, as we all know so well. I have to remind myself that I have not only lost my husband, but I have lost that "rhythm" that was my daily life, and all that went with that.

My daughter Kimberly and her two girls, (Bekah, who is now 16, and Rachel, who is 12) are coming up from Virginia for their Easter vacation, arriving this Saturday and staying until Monday the 8th. I am SO looking forward to this visit. The last time the girls were here was when their papa died and they had to leave the very next day to start the new school year. Rachel was starting in a new school and we didn't want her to have to start after everyone else had already begun ahead of her. She and her sister both felt bad about leaving before the funeral, but that would have kept them out for almost a whole week, and they agreed that though it was hard to leave, it was for the best. So, we will find joy in this visit and share our memories, which we haven't had the chance to do, and we will make new ones to remember and keep us company in between our visits.

My puppy is keeping me busy...it really is almost like having a new baby in the house...and I must say, obedience school is starting soon...she has a way, just like a child, of wrapping you right around her little "paw" and getting her way. Not good. She loves the snow, loves eating it, and loves running in it, though when it is the light fluffy stuff, she comes back in, covered in tiny snowballs that then have to be washed away with the hose in the sink. She loves doing that, as well, standing on her hind legs like a small child, with her front paws raised and leaning against me for support. I am glad I made the decision to get her and thankful that she's been a good "fit."

I was walking about town the other day and stopped at the spillway to take some pictures. I love being there, as it is peaceful, despite the rapid fall of the water and the churning when it hits the rocks below. Something about the consistency of it, I guess. I was there just as sunset was beginning so got a good glow to the water. I met shortly after with my daughter Cathi and her son, Jamie (14), and when I showed them the pictures, Jamie pointed out the wonderful heart that appears in one of them and put his arm around me as we shared it. I will also post a few of my "snow" pictures...we've had so much of it this year and it is hard not to take pictures when it is so pretty.

Take care everyone...

[mikesmomrs]

here I will try again to add the pictures...the bird houses were at a shop on my way home one day...also added a couple of pics of Lucy Lu...

[mikesmomrs]

sorry...duplicate...

[ericasmom]

Carol, how lovely to read your words which is like reading your heart. So clearly stated and so dear. Yes, Eri's birthday is coming, her tenth birthday in heaven and I am struggling some. How can it be? She would be turning 29 on this April 4th. It is very hard to fathom. As in years past, my class of kids will go out and decorate the tree in the school park that is there as one of her living memorials. It says, Pretty in PInk with her name and dates. 4-4-84--7-14-03. The kids usually make pink things to hang in her tree and I bring decorations for them to hang. Ten years. And it will be 4 years on the 31st of March, that Jon and Eri's Dad, Michael died. That year, Michael's funeral was on Eri's birthday. Life is very tricky, slippery, and there are jagged places in which we find our selves...and then there are times where the smooth stones under our feet lend us that promise of some repair. I hold onto that knowledge in the more tumultuous times.

I love your photos Carol. I can see why you enjoy being near the spillway, the sound and power must be inspirational. I love the sleepy dog photo too. What a nice thing to look forward to, having the Grandgirls and Kim coming. Wonderful news. As far as talking about Mike to Mike, they are together, and I really think that Young Mike and his Daddy, have their arms around each other and around your heart. All the patterns in your daily life have changed, but there you are adding new ones with little dog, and establishing your movements through the gauze of ache but nevertheless, doing so. Those two Mikes are beaming.

[daveydow1]

Laurie----Thanks for posting the poem. Your son is a very handsome

young man. Peace to you, friend.

Lora----I hope that you are feeling a bit better now. Yep--these colds

seem to have to run their course, but as Dee said.....maybe a nice hot cup of

tea with honey & lemon could help. Take care.

Sandy---I hope that the Drs. can find out the cause of your leg pain soon.

Susan----I agree that pets are a wonderful comfort.....anytime,....but also

when one is feeling 'down'.

Dee-----We got about 3-4 inches of snow last night. The hawks you saw must

be busy with nesting. You are right that closure is nice for other things, but

is not in the game plan for we who have lost children. We simply must become

something different in our lives. How could we just go back to the 'way we were'

before our children passed, way before their time? We keep their memories

alive by all the things we do......the things that come naturally to us now. Remembering

and honoring their lives. The ones who were younger than Davey.....his sister, Becky, (34)

and her husband,....(already turned 40) are 'older' than Dave's age which stopped at

age 31. The baby Lisa, of course, will always seem like the youngest of my kids,

(since she died at the age of 6 mo.), but she was--in fact older that Dave and Becky.

Kind of strange....the way time warps and distorts facts. Thinking of you as ERi's

birthday approaches. For everyone here at BI..... all our children will always be:

FOREVER YOUNG....FOREVER LOVED.

Del----It's nice that you were able to go back to church. I have been somewhat

'adrift' when it comes to church attendance, I admit, since Dave's passing. I still

go to mass sometimes, and support the church. Just not there every week. My

husband and I will be going on Easter.

Carol----

So nice to see your post. Also, love your pics. Especially like the one

of the pup with her little coat on, and the birdhouses with snow on top. Are these

your birdhouses? They are beautiful. Then.....the pics of the waterfall looks like

it's out of a movie with the locale in your area.....like maybe "Good Will Hunting"

of a few yrs. ago. Very picturesque scenes. The birdhouse pic could be right out

of the "Birds & Blooms" magazine. Nature's beauty is all around us. Thanks.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Hey Sherry, it is windy and cold today, but the birds are active and eating a lot of seed. I think you are right about the hawks, nesting.

I am on my spring break, HOORAY, and now ready for an afternoon nap. Indulgence.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi everyone, just stopping by to say I am thinking of everybody as the Easter weekend fast approaches. I have been reading this past few days, but not up to much posting. Thanks to everyone for the great photos and stories of daily life. It does indeed help to keep me focused on the positive side of things. Our weather is just lovey this past few days and I understand that spring has now finally arrived. The huge snowfall we had this time last week is quickly melting and things are definitely taking on a cheerier note. Carol, I loved the photos and the pic of your precious Lucy is adorable. Enjoy your visit with your family this next few days. Dee...hope you can enjoy some much needed rest as well as having some time to yourself. Brenda...I loved the chest that you made. It is just beautiful. What a wonderful place to store your treasures. I hope that everyone having health issues will soon find some degree of relief. And Sherry, I look forward to soon hearing about your garden plans for this season. Brenda, Lora, Del, Becky, Gretchen, and everyone....sending warm thoughts and hope that your weekend will be ok. We are slowly regaining strength from the surgery. I see signs of improvement on a daily basis. Although I must admit the weight loss has me concerned. Funny how he complained about losing weight in the past and now that he has we are all concerned. I decided to pay a visit this afternoon to the man that was in the room with him. He is still there after three weeks. It was kind of cute in that he had placed a note on a chair in front of his bed asking anyone to wake him up if they were there to visit as he would rather visit then sleep. We had a nice chat and he seemed pleased of the distraction. Well, apart from daily routines and nursing hubby life is pretty constant at this time. I am just loving the fact that I will soon be able to focus on planning my flower gardens. Before long the birds will be returning and things will once again return to a lovely routine. If I am unable to post again before Sunday....have a lovely day and hopefully our angels will surround us with their love. Love, Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I am glad the poem was an encouragement to some. I been pretty depressed so I haven't posted much.

For Erica's mom, may God send his angel of mercy to you on her birthday and let you know she is in his hand.

This is the year of the "first's" . I just feel so overwhelmed at times.

[Sholl1955]

Woke up to snow and another slippery drive to work. The past few years have been warmer but i do remember growing up that March was like this all of the time. There was snow through March and sometimes into the first of April. Does remembering that make me old?? Dee I hope that you get some nice days while you are on spring break though.

Carol it was good to hear from you. Your posts are amazing. You remember everyone on here even though I know you are dealing with a great deal of pain yourself. You are in my prayers. Your little dog is so cute.

Coming to this site is like a safe place for me as I read the posts and am reminded that yes, there are truly those who understand. I surely do not like to see new people joining us as I don't wish anyone to feel this pain and loss, but thankful there is place for the hurting to come. Since I have decided to just remain quiet around those who feel I should be over this by now, I have relief in not trying to explain this journey over and over in an effort to make them understand something that they cannot possibly understand anyway, however, it feels so lonely. But I treasure in my heart the memories and love that I have for Sarah and will come here and read the encouraging words that you all share.

We will not be with my youngest daughter this Easter and the girls wiil be going with thier Daddy to his family, so it will just be my hubby and I. But I will remember the reason we have Easter and the promise that we WILL be with Sarah again one day.

I pray for a peaceful night for everyone tonight.

Sandy

[Sholl1955]

Woke up to snow and another slippery drive to work. The past few years have been warmer but i do remember growing up that March was like this all of the time. There was snow through March and sometimes into the first of April. Does remembering that make me old?? Dee I hope that you get some nice days while you are on spring break though.

Carol it was good to hear from you. Your posts are amazing. You remember everyone on here even though I know you are dealing with a great deal of pain yourself. You are in my prayers. Your little dog is so cute.

Coming to this site is like a safe place for me as I read the posts and am reminded that yes, there are truly those who understand. I surely do not like to see new people joining us as I don't wish anyone to feel this pain and loss, but thankful there is place for the hurting to come. Since I have decided to just remain quiet around those who feel I should be over this by now, I have relief in not trying to explain this journey over and over in an effort to make them understand something that they cannot possibly understand anyway, however, it feels so lonely. But I treasure in my heart the memories and love that I have for Sarah and will come here and read the encouraging words that you all share.

We will not be with my youngest daughter this Easter and the girls wiil be going with thier Daddy to his family, so it will just be my hubby and I. But I will remember the reason we have Easter and the promise that we WILL be with Sarah again one day.

I pray for a peaceful night for everyone tonight.

Sandy

[Mom of Chip]

This is the year of the "first's" . I just feel so overwhelmed at times.

Me, too...Sometimes I wonder how I am going to make it thru the day.

[ericasmom]

The year of firsts is unbelievably hard so please be kind to yourselves. I don't think that there is a harder time than that first year. I am not saying it becomes easy afterwards, but the strange and surreal and broken time of that first year were the hardest for me.

It is one day at a time and often one hour or less at a time. We move forward in tiny increments and always know that any parent that has faced one day with a Child no longer here, is a strong human, we are not weak. Crying is not weakness, falling to the floor in agony, not weakness, screaming to God and the Heavens is not weakness. It is just us trying to cut through the fog of sadness, trying to find our belief system and find our way.

Kate, so glad that Hubby is getting stronger. Is he eating again or on high protein shakes or not yet?

How nice of you to visit the man that shared a room with your husband. I am sure that he was made to smile to have a visitor after so many days in the hospital. You have a good heart.

Yes, gardens are definitely on our minds, the itch to dig in the dirt, but first we have to have the ground thaw. Tulips and daffodils are showing their greenery so we know it is coming.

Sandy, yes, a quiet Easter for you and your Husband. I do hope it will hold some of what that promise of Easter holds. I know that you are feeling lonely but relieved at the same time. Please come here when you can and speak all about Sarah so that at least here, you can see and read her name, you can retell stories and everyone here will read them and feel them. None of us turn away. Peace.

[Mom of Chip]

The year of firsts is unbelievably hard so please be kind to yourselves. I don't think that there is a harder time than that first year. I am not saying it becomes easy afterwards, but the strange and surreal and broken time of that first year were the hardest for me.

It is one day at a time and often one hour or less at a time. We move forward in tiny increments and always know that any parent that has faced one day with a Child no longer here, is a strong human, we are not weak. Crying is not weakness, falling to the floor in agony, not weakness, screaming to God and the Heavens is not weakness. It is just us trying to cut through the fog of sadness, trying to find our belief system and find our way.

Thank you, Dee...you can't imagine how comforting those words are to me.

Tonight when I left work, I fell apart in the car..still parked in the parking lot...I was feeling the loss much worse than I had in many days..even weeks, maybe....I was in such a state that I didn't know if I could calm down enough to drive home...I finally was able to get going, then I heard a song on the radio that Chip used to do sometimes...don't remember the name of it, but I do remember that he did it occasionally ..then right after that, "Happy Together" by the Turtles played..That was a song that he and his 'ex' did at every gig they played..one of my favorites...This happens to me so many times...most of the time when I am leaving the cemetery I hear one of his songs...I feel he is speaking to me..It does give me comfort..but a sadness, too. Many times the tears start flowing while the song is playing. I wonder if I will ever be able to listen to any of the songs he covered without shedding tears...This first year has been hell...I can't stop myself from thinking of the 'what ifs', 'wish I hads', whys'..and what it would be like if he were still here to share time with us again.

And closure...I'm not sure I want it..if it even exists...All I know right now is, I HATE F****** CANCER.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee is so right about the years of firsts! The first year for me I drifted in and out of a fog. Everything appeared to be more then I could handle. Absolutely nothing mattered to me as it once had. Life had changed for good. Priorities completely altered. Certain things that had mattered before seemed so unimportant. I remember sitting in the car in a parking lot crippled by the pain. I watched people bustling all around me doing their errands. Yet all I knew was that my son was gone and was not coming back. I could not breath quite literally. It was crushing. Times spent in stores when a certain song came on the system and leaving my things and running for an exit. In time and very slowly it started to lift. But it was never the same again. He was gone and I was forever changed. Time is the only answer. Be kind to yourselves and go with your emotions. We all have our own time frame for this. Do not let others dictate how to handle this. It is your call. And yes, cancer and all disease is a real bummer. I have seen so much suffering in my time. At times I would have gladly taken it away if I had been able too. The best I had to offer was to stand close by and hold their hand firmly. Watching anyone die is the hardest thing to do. It will get better with time Del. Stay strong...you are doing really good. Kate

[Guest]

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[Mike's dad]

It's my son's 28th birthday today, I couldn't sleep and I'm taking the day off. I can't help but wonder what my life would've been like had he not gone to Iraq...

The hardest part is I'll never know. I miss him so much.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, I wanted to respond to each one who replied to me about my grand children and Cedar Chest, but I have not been feeling well , my migraines and ear problem seem to just be getting worse ,Last Friday I had a vertigo attack and that was not fun.. it is my second one. and I know it has something to do with what is going on in my ear. I will be 54 and feel like I am falling apart .. it is almost embarrassing to say everything that is wrong with me,any way I just wanted to thank you all so much for your wonderful kind words.

As I was laying here on my bed I happen to look up and a Cooper Hawk landed on my neighbors fence , I grabbed my camera and got some pretty good shots of him right before he flew off he looked right at me I have been playing with my settings on my camera so I think that they could have been so much better So I thought I would post them for you all to see. Hope you all have a good day Love Brenda

[Jeff's Mom]

Mike I can't even begin to imagine your pain today. We completely understand and I hope that you will be able to take this time today to reflect on the all of the beautiful memories that you shared with your son. I hope that you will be able to get out and try to do something in some small way to honor his memory. Trying to imagine their lives as they would be had they lived is an all too common habit of mine. I attended a wedding this summer for a close friend of my son. It was so difficult to see how he had moved forward with his life and things were just great. It was bittersweet. I was happy for him and yet sad because I too wanted that for my own boy. Yet I knew it would not be. We will be thinking of you. Lora, I imagine that your illness is coupled with your grief. It appears to me you are working very hard with long hours. I hope you can take the time on Friday and Sunday to just do something relaxing and soothing for yourself. Take care of yourself...if you don't who will? One of my Mom's favorite sayings.

[Mermaid Tears]

Hello Sweet Carol.....I felt as if I came to your front door....you invited me in....and we had a chat and a cup of coffee.....but more.....we shared our hearts......then with the photos you posted..it was like we had a stroll together with your Lucy....I had a Rottweiler named 'Lucy'....she was so big and mean looking...but ...the BEST dog I ever had....(but I think I say that about them all)....I needed your posting....it made me 'comfortable' in all the 'ill fitting moods and emotions' I go through each day.....and your posting prepared me for I got a phone call from my cousin's wife...he died a couple of months ago....(I was too emotional to go to the funeral)....but I wrote her a long letter....they had no children....and she and I had a 'very good' hour long conversation...my sister lost her husband 3 years ago....they had no children....but thankfully my children are very, very close to her.....and so we talked about losing the 'right arm'....that 'partner in life'.....the one that 'can finish your sentence'....the one that when they left...they took the 'plans and dreams made' over the kitchen table...we share the loss of a child.....and if I have learned ANYTHING on this path I have been on.....is that....UNTIL you walk in someone's shoes...you really cannot fathom what they are going through.....BUT I have learned that one's capacity for empathy is so expanded...so very sensitive to the grief of others in their loss...whether it be a best friend, spouse or pet.....that we can reach out to give comfort and sympathy. I have said before...I feel as if I am becoming a better person for I feel as if I have another layer of empathy on my heart....and a filter has been lifted from my eyes and I see in a different way.....so I say to you.....I do feel the sadness and loneliness for you of that empty space that your husband left. All I have are words....I wish I had more...but I can barely help myself....so this is all I have....except prayers....and please keep us posted...your journey will give us enlightment.

[BrendaDup59]

It's my son's 28th birthday today, I couldn't sleep and I'm taking the day off. I can't help but wonder what my life would've been like had he not gone to Iraq...

The hardest part is I'll never know. I miss him so much.

Mike , Just know everyone on here is thinking about you and praying for you, my sons 2 nd Birthday in heaven is April 3 ,he would have been 34 .. Miss him so much it hurts .. Take Care Brenda

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol, how lovely to read your words which is like reading your heart. So clearly stated and so dear. Yes, Eri's birthday is coming, her tenth birthday in heaven and I am struggling some. How can it be? She would be turning 29 on this April 4th. It is very hard to fathom. As in years past, my class of kids will go out and decorate the tree in the school park that is there as one of her living memorials. It says, Pretty in PInk with her name and dates. 4-4-84--7-14-03. The kids usually make pink things to hang in her tree and I bring decorations for them to hang. Ten years. And it will be 4 years on the 31st of March, that Jon and Eri's Dad, Michael died. That year, Michael's funeral was on Eri's birthday. Life is very tricky, slippery, and there are jagged places in which we find our selves...and then there are times where the smooth stones under our feet lend us that promise of some repair. I hold onto that knowledge in the more tumultuous times.

I love your photos Carol. I can see why you enjoy being near the spillway, the sound and power must be inspirational. I love the sleepy dog photo too. What a nice thing to look forward to, having the Grandgirls and Kim coming. Wonderful news. As far as talking about Mike to Mike, they are together, and I really think that Young Mike and his Daddy, have their arms around each other and around your heart. All the patterns in your daily life have changed, but there you are adding new ones with little dog, and establishing your movements through the gauze of ache but nevertheless, doing so. Those two Mikes are beaming.

Well Dee....thank you for sharing some of your history.....it is a slippery slope at best....in the last couple of weeks I have found myself hearing or watching the news....and some very evil person does horrible things....and I think..."WHY" didn't they pass....??? Why weren't they taken from the earth home...?? Why my child that never harmed anyone..was taught to give and go the extra mile ? And then it dawned on me just yesterday....that is the slippery slope....to become bitter ..or better. If I kept on thinking like that....I would become one of the 'bitter people' that I do know.....and I am a better person than that and I will just have to leave questions like that on HIS plate...for He knows. Now isn't that just like you doing that for her..."Pretty in Pink".....and as the artist in me....years ago I discovered that Pink is a Powerful color...what a wonderful way to celebrate the day she was born....and be surrounded by children...I don't know you....but that sounds so much 'like you'. Please post some photos for us...I love..love...love.....really, really....the photo of the shaft of light on the trail....it stays in my mind. I don't think the Birthday date will ever get any better....and I for one don't think it should...I get emotional about my children's birthdays that are with me....it just eats our Mother's heart that they are 'gone before'. Another thing that I have noticed.....the 'dates' that events happen....sometimes I feel as if I was 'prepared' for this.....it is still very hazy in me forming an opinion....but I do ponder.....hey.....enjoy your Spring Break....and take another nap.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....yes....you have joy in planning your garden....and bringing lots of TLC to your husband and there are prayers that he keeps up the good recovery....and how very sweet and considerate of you to visit the person in the hospital....I do believe that all of us seem to have another layer of empathy in us...that has suffered so in our loss....that is becomes instinct in us to reach out....for really we are all channels of HIM here on earth to do His work....blessings to you and yours this Easter.

[Mermaid Tears]

Brenda....I do so wish I could reach out to you with healing....it is bad enough for me to walk with this grief...and can only imagine the heavy health issues you have to deal with along with the grief. I will pray that there be a Dr. that can diagnose what is wrong...and get it healed. Vertigo is associated with the ear.....one of my son's is a Dr. and he told me years ago..(one of my ears was draining fluid)...to put Hydrogen Peroxide in it to keep it cleared....also this helps with children that get ear infections....so now I do it regularly and it even helps with sinus problems. Now....please don't get me wrong....I don't think that is a cure....but...may help with some symptoms. I just pass things on that have helped me. What are we here for if we can't give each other some bit of info that has helped us? Love the pictures of the hawk....there you are...feeling so bad and can do that !! And share with us...I showed my 9 year old granddaughter your bird photos the other day....she wondered why we didn't have those birds in my back yard...good question. To tell you the truth...I think we all fell apart awhile back....and we are all in the process of healing and being put back together again.

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....I thought I was a workaholic...but you do beat me....but....this grief is a very, very physical thing I have discovered....I feel like my feet are walking in shallow water all the time...plus the long hours you have.....of course, you are exhausted. You are doing the right thing to 'just keep put' and have some healing alone time for yourself.....I do so wish I could just spend Easter alone....we traveled to Houston last year to spend with John David....ate at his favorite restaurant.....beautiful day....this year will travel to our son Jesse and family....in League City to spend Wyatt John's first Easter with him....he was born on Dec. 14th, 2012......yes....yes...yes....this first year of 'firsts' is a year spent in the past for me...I feel like I am in some kind of time warp most of the time....not wanting to 'think and feel'. I know your 'down time' will refresh your body...sleep is healing...and so is rest....and somebody said on a post the exact thing my Grama would say....'take care of yourself for no one else will'....so true and Dee is right on when she says to 'self care'. Am going to post a photo of the 'new little man in my life'.....Wyatt John

(don't know why the photo did not post....

[BrendaDup59]

Brenda....I do so wish I could reach out to you with healing....it is bad enough for me to walk with this grief...and can only imagine the heavy health issues you have to deal with along with the grief. I will pray that there be a Dr. that can diagnose what is wrong...and get it healed. Vertigo is associated with the ear.....one of my son's is a Dr. and he told me years ago..(one of my ears was draining fluid)...to put Hydrogen Peroxide in it to keep it cleared....also this helps with children that get ear infections....so now I do it regularly and it even helps with sinus problems. Now....please don't get me wrong....I don't think that is a cure....but...may help with some symptoms. I just pass things on that have helped me. What are we here for if we can't give each other some bit of info that has helped us? Love the pictures of the hawk....there you are...feeling so bad and can do that !! And share with us...I showed my 9 year old granddaughter your bird photos the other day....she wondered why we didn't have those birds in my back yard...good question. To tell you the truth...I think we all fell apart awhile back....and we are all in the process of healing and being put back together again.

Thank you so much for your kind words .. I think losing Brian just made everything surface .. I had already been having problems with my neck and shoulder , I have always had Migraines but this ear thing just started a month ago .. my mom has Ménière's disease in her left ear and lost her hearing all together in that ear and is slowly losing it in her other ear,, she thinks I have the beginnings of the same thing I sure hope not .. I have enough wrong.. I am waiting on a call from Pain Management clinic so I hope they cal soon, the steroid has already worn off I and I can hardly move my left arm. and I know taking pictures is not helping me .. as for the pictures Thank you , and you would be amazed at what you will have come if you feed them. I have several feeders out , I feed Black oil sunflower , safflower , suet ,and Thistle / Nyier seed .. and I also put out corn cobs for the squirrels.. I have always loved Birds and I use to have a lot of them (domestic) when I lived in MD but now I have two big boxers and not going to chance them getting them.. I think your granddaughter would enjoy feeding and bird watching.. well Thanks again I hope you have a good day ..

[Mermaid Tears]

Brenda....I do feed birds...have for years...we do have a lot of different ones...but no yellow ones...you simply have the 'natural eye' to capture them in photo....I put out thistle last year but 'no one came'....we do have lots of Mockingbirds....and I have a fountain near their feeder...maybe I need to put out more feeders....hope you get relief soon....

For some reason I cannot post my photos....

[BrendaDup59]

Brenda....I do feed birds...have for years...we do have a lot of different ones...but no yellow ones...you simply have the 'natural eye' to capture them in photo....I put out thistle last year but 'no one came'....we do have lots of Mockingbirds....and I have a fountain near their feeder...maybe I need to put out more feeders....hope you get relief soon....

For some reason I cannot post my photos....

well that is great, when I had a Mockingbird he ran off all my other birds I was so glad he doesn't show up much, your finches are what eat the thistle , Try the sunflower seeds you may get different kinds show up ... as for your pics try re-sizing them smaller .

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang,

had a friend over today who is going through a deep painful time with a husband who suddenly wants out. Sad for her, glad that she could release her story today, as we do with each other here, we know the weight is lessened for a time in that action of sharing.

Brenda, My sis and neighbor have experienced meniers and I have had two bouts of vertigo, my dad also had vertigo. I don't know if mine was meniers, just know that I was violently ill for hours and hours until it adjusted. It is horrid. My neighbor has a drug always on hand to take if she has an attack, it is strong but takes the dizzy out though she cannot work or drive while on it. Scary stuff. The first time I had a bout, I fell down in a restaurant bathroom and began t vomit uncontrollably, I was driven to the hospital and they never checked my ears. They assumed food poisoning, but it was spring allergy time and I have horrid allergies. So two days later I flew to NYC with husband and when I came home, i was teaching and suddenly I heard a pop-sound and blood came from my ear. Everything I said came out in an echo...went to the doctor and they said that I had a punctured eardrum. It did heal but I swear I don't hear as I once did...could be loud music but it could be that puncture. INsist on some answers from the doctors. Love the Cooper's Hawk. And never be embarassed by what ails you, these are not made up illnesses. Our bodies take a beating while we try to keep a balance in a land that is foreign.

Susan, I do use peroxide in my ears too. I also have used it to gargle to keep bacteria down.

Susan, yes, time warp indeed. We cannot help but be ina time warp after we lose a Child. I liken it with an abstraction of time, it never quite makes sense again like it once did.

Eri loved pink so when she died, everyone wore pink to the wake and funeral. She hated pink when little, but at around the age of 17 began to love it. She wore pink bandanas in her hair, her bead in her dreadlock was pink...she loved my pink skirt, I wore it to her funeral, I had just purchased a skirt with a lot of pink in it for her, told her about it on the phone just 30 minutes or so before the train hit her car...she said, "oh Mom, can you send it to me?" Instead, she wore that to her funeral.

Lora, as Susan said, grief is very very draining and physical, and working long hours on top of it can be taxing your immune system. It beats us up in a way, telling us that we have been changed in this energy depleting way too. Our energy is zapped, it will return but we have to treat the injuries, the soul and spirit are not separate from the vessel while we walk the earth. Body and soul must be nurtured. I wish I could come over and make some soup, some tea, bring you these while you sit with blanket on your legs. Puff up your pillows and put some quiet music on while you sleep.

Mike's dad, I just wrote a poem, or I am working on a poem started yesterday with a line about, she left the future to others...

we never will know who they would have become, you are right.

They fly among the stars,

small lanterns in the sky

a place to refill their light

and reflect it back to us,

Our Angels of the night.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you so much for your kind words .. I think losing Brian just made everything surface .. I had already been having problems with my neck and shoulder , I have always had Migraines but this ear thing just started a month ago .. my mom has Ménière's disease in her left ear and lost her hearing all together in that ear and is slowly losing it in her other ear,, she thinks I have the beginnings of the same thing I sure hope not .. I have enough wrong.. I am waiting on a call from Pain Management clinic so I hope they cal soon, the steroid has already worn off I and I can hardly move my left arm. and I know taking pictures is not helping me .. as for the pictures Thank you , and you would be amazed at what you will have come if you feed them. I have several feeders out , I feed Black oil sunflower , safflower , suet ,and Thistle / Nyier seed .. and I also put out corn cobs for the squirrels.. I have always loved Birds and I use to have a lot of them (domestic) when I lived in MD but now I have two big boxers and not going to chance them getting them.. I think your granddaughter would enjoy feeding and bird watching.. well Thanks again I hope you have a good day ..

Brenda, so very sorry that you are feeling so unwell. My MIL also suffered from Meniere's disease. I do remember vividly how miserable she was at the beginning. However after a period of time and proper treatment she was able to keep it manageable. I do know that keeping the use of salt under control had a huge impact on her. Also, she was given some kind of med to take and it did work wonders. I hope that you will soon find relief.

[ericasmom]

Kate, how is your husband today? I hope the weather is slowly showing signs of spring. The full moon tonight is bright and shining in our windows. I like that we all see the same moon.

Brenda, we feed black sunflower seed too, and nyger seed which now really attracts the finch. It took a while but it is frequently being visited. The original feeder in our yard has a variety of seed and is also very popular. Love watching the birds and listening to the multitude of voices.

Goodnight All, sleepy by now.

[Sholl1955]

Mike's dad,

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling today. I know there is deep pain everyday but the special days are so hard. Your son gave his life fighting for this country and please know how thankful I am for those strong men and women who stand up to protect us, but my heart hurts for the pain you must endure. He is a hero, and a reflection of the man who raised him. You are in my prayers.

Sandy

[Mike's dad]

My youngest daughter called me today. She said she had been thinking about me a lot and wants to see me, that made me feel really good.

We're going to dinner Friday night, Just the two of us. I think I'm going to tell her about the new baby then. I keep going over it in my head. I'm actually kind of excited about it.

[ericasmom]

Good Morning All,

hope that this is a good day.

Mike's Dad, I think that it is good that you and your Daughter are going to share an evening together. Good luck on your meeting.

Sandy, how are you feeling? Is the job still working out for you?

Shelly, what about you, have you found a way to log on here?

[Mermaid Tears]

My youngest daughter called me today. She said she had been thinking about me a lot and wants to see me, that made me feel really good.

We're going to dinner Friday night, Just the two of us. I think I'm going to tell her about the new baby then. I keep going over it in my head. I'm actually kind of excited about it.

We are here to hear you....the Birth dates of our children I think...will always be a hard day for us to go through...I just don't think it will ever be 'easy' but 'do-able'....especially when you have folks that will 'hold your hand' and understand....I do think our 'Dad's' have a very hard time with grief....just the other night...my husband opened up and said he had had a dream of John David....then the tears...then he talked again of his anger when his Dad died when he was a Freshman in college...and that he has the same anger now over the loss of John David. Grief does not come in 'One Size Fits All'....the shape and color of it is as different as our unique personalities.....for sure there is some common ground..but we all will have different experiences in shaping it in our lives.

You sound very uplifted about the dinner with your daughter and that is a good thing....let her know that love has no boundaries when it comes to children....it expands to hold them all....(sometimes 'older' children worry that the baby will be loved more)....let her know that you will need her to let him know what a wonderful big sister he has...and how much he (the baby) will need her in his world for babies thrive on family love.

[Mermaid Tears]

Good Morning All,

hope that this is a good day.

Mike's Dad, I think that it is good that you and your Daughter are going to share an evening together. Good luck on your meeting.

Sandy, how are you feeling? Is the job still working out for you?

Shelly, what about you, have you found a way to log on here?

Hope your Spring Break is going good....a question.....in the first year of loss....did you have a hard time focusing ? I feel like I have Adult ADD at times....some days it takes 'all day' to get things taken care of...other days are ok....I will see it is 8 at night..and I didn't take book back to library...or run a certain errand...sorta kookie....and I am always taken aback....am thinking this is normal....for I do have that kind of 'time warp' issue, too....and the 'what will I change to'.....

[ericasmom]

Susan, such good advice to Mike's Dad. To us all.

Yes indeed I had issues, still do, with what seems ADD. Attention Deficit Disorder and why not...our brains have been hit hard by grief. I think of it as a shade pulled over some of my short term memory and while it got better than it was, it is still more halting than it was...I am almost 10 years older too so there is that. I have never had good follow through, and have always had issues of ADD but it did get worse and that first year it was really bad. Going back to work was key for me as I teach third grade and the minute you are around kids, well you know, you are ON. So the daily duties of teaching helped me work my brain and I am grateful for the advice to going back to see if it still felt right to teach. Eri died in the summer during summer break, so I had another 6 weeks of break to have to myself and my grief, to wander through the opening phase of it, to begin to feel some of the shock wear off, but there were many layers and sometimes I would get to school and just feel so afraid, and then I would realize that the raw feeling I was experiencing was another layer of shock coming away, leaving me like an open sore---but again, the bell would ring and the kids needed that nurturing human they knew, so I had to 'be there' and at lunch go for walks and cry, after school cry and walk and talk to others about it. Mostly I found that I had to be patient with ME, and accept the parts of me that were no longer accessible and get used to the new parts that became a part of me.

[Mermaid Tears]

Susan, such good advice to Mike's Dad. To us all.

Yes indeed I had issues, still do, with what seems ADD. Attention Deficit Disorder and why not...our brains have been hit hard by grief. I think of it as a shade pulled over some of my short term memory and while it got better than it was, it is still more halting than it was...I am almost 10 years older too so there is that. I have never had good follow through, and have always had issues of ADD but it did get worse and that first year it was really bad. Going back to work was key for me as I teach third grade and the minute you are around kids, well you know, you are ON. So the daily duties of teaching helped me work my brain and I am grateful for the advice to going back to see if it still felt right to teach. Eri died in the summer during summer break, so I had another 6 weeks of break to have to myself and my grief, to wander through the opening phase of it, to begin to feel some of the shock wear off, but there were many layers and sometimes I would get to school and just feel so afraid, and then I would realize that the raw feeling I was experiencing was another layer of shock coming away, leaving me like an open sore---but again, the bell would ring and the kids needed that nurturing human they knew, so I had to 'be there' and at lunch go for walks and cry, after school cry and walk and talk to others about it. Mostly I found that I had to be patient with ME, and accept the parts of me that were no longer accessible and get used to the new parts that became a part of me.

Yes...yes...yes.....be patient 'with me'.....and get to be introduced to 'the one I am changing to'....so damn hard...we went to Houston last Easter to have lunch with him...a beautiful day....this year will travel to see Jesse and family...they have the 'new little man in my life'...his 1st Easter....and I need to be there....and want to be there...but I want to be selfish and just 'do nothing' but we can't let our other children think our lives are over because we lost one...for I love them each and every "ONE" and every hair on their head....this is the 'change that is happening' for us parents and we have to come into our own.....I have tried to post a photo of the 'new guy in my life' and for some reason I still can't...sent a message to Modkonni..(?).....I have been getting Easter packages for my other grandchildren to get in the mail....and doing it like a 2 year old...that is why I asked about the 'focus issues'....just can't quite get it smooth....

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Dee, he appears to be gaining strength with each passing day. It is a slow go however and he is starting to become impatient with himself. Our days are indeed becoming longer and brighter. The evenings are just so lovely and it is a real treat to be able to go for a leisurely stroll after dinner when it is still light. We now officially found out that our province is on high alert for a major flood. Our last one in 2009 was pretty bad and this is expected to be on a par with '09. The full foot of snow we had last week has definitely not helped one little bit. Now it remains to be seen how much rain we get over the next few weeks. Always something to keep us on our toes! I spent a good part of the day today in the city. had my hair and nails done. it felt good just to sit back and watch life pass me by as I sipped a refreshing cup of organic tea. On the drive back up it was apparent that the farmers were out with their machinery trying to channel the run off by opening long avenues leading to the ditches. These poor guys need this like Carters needs more pills! Anyway, as to the question of memory loss? What was I saying? I found the first year after Jeff died that I was impossible. I forgot everything. I remember standing at several ATM machines and forgetting my password. Going into our fridge to find my cell phone laying on a shelf. It went on and on. I was a mess. I still have my times. Last week was another doozy after all the stress from my husband's cancer scare. We are still very concerned yet thankful for a successful surgery. It can play havoc with your nerves for sure...I plan to enjoy this weekend even though we will be celebrating it alone. He is not up to company nr going out at all for dinner elsewhere. Lincoln is out this week on DVD and I have rented it for Saturday night. Plan to pour myself a cool glass of wine and sit back with my feet up. I hope my husband will be able to stay awake for the entire movie. Still he is looking forward to seeing it. I planned a little surprise for him for Sunday. Well, I have dithered on far too long. I am sending love and warm thoughts to you all. Love, Kate p.s. I saw a majestic owl on the way back up. He was just magnificent perched on the top of a hydro pole.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...your 'everyday good news' is music to our ears....and husbands are not the best patients...for they get very impatient with the healing time...thanks for sharing your 'memory issues' with us....it is a normal thing for those of us that have suffered a great shock...I just have to remember..'I am still somewhat numb'....

[daveydow1]

Kate---So glad that your husband is getting stronger, and that you are

getting those signs that spring is just around the corner. Also, it was

so nice of you to stop in and visit the man that was your husband's

roommate in the hospital. So cute....the note that he left on the chair--

asking anyone to wake him up for a visit. He's a man with a great sense

of humor.

Laurie----I agree with Dee about the year of all the "firsts". Yes, they

are just so painful. Jessie David will always be with you because of

the love you have for him, and the love he has for you. Peace to you.

Del----

I, so, relate to what you said about going to your car after work,

and just breaking down. I remember doing that exact same thing. At

work, we must keep it all inside us, and then when we are finally by

ourselves, then the tears fall in buckets. Just hang on, and keep coming

here to BI.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, MIKE.

Brenda----

Oh, thanks so much for those wonderful pics of the Coopers hawk.

He is such a beautiful bird, and you certainly captured all his beauty in your

excellent pics.

Susan----

You said you only have words,......but those words are a great comfort to

all who come here to BI with broken hearts.

Dee-----I hope that you get some very good rest and relaxation while on your

spring break from school. Good time to catch up on the little things you

like to do that you may not have as much time for when classes are in

session. All the snow quickly melted here, and the birds seem to know something

that we humans don't-----that spring will be coming soon. I had some crocuses

that bloomed when the sun was shining the other day. They close up tight at

night. A yellow-belly woodpecker has been coming regularly to our feeders. He

has such a large formidable beak, that the other birds give him plenty of room, or

they fly away and wait until he leaves, then they come back. His coloring is so

striking, with his red-orange head, and stripes.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Mike's dad]

Thank you to everyone who has praised my son's service. The biggest insult someone can give me is saying the war was "stupid". maybe it wasn't the best thing to do. Maybe it should've been thought out more. I'll agree that it wasn't very successful, but it wasn't stupid.

My son was trying to help others before his life was cut short... He gave up his life for another boy.

On a happier note, I am actually really excited to see my daughter. I haven't seen her for awhile so it'll be nice to get to wrap my arms around her.

[shellykut]

Good Evening Friends! Well, I finally had to create a new account to be able to log on here without going through all kinds of twists and turns! I am now known as shellykut. I will next learn how to post pictures and put them in my gallery. My daughter Jill did it for me last time!

Not much time to address each one as I am really tired today, but let me first tell you, Mike, how very sorry I am that you lost your son. May I wish him a belated happy heavenly birthday, and may I also thank him for his service to this country, from the bottom of my heart. My prayers for a lovely dinner with your daughter.

Kate - I'm glad your husband is mending and I hope you two have a blessed Easter weekend. I so want to see Lincoln...let us know how you liked it.

Brenda - hope you are feeling better soon.

Lora - take care of you.

Sherry - love when those crocuses pop their pretty little heads up! A sign that, even with snow on top, Spring is not far!

Laurie - hope you enjoy this Easter with your new "little man"!

Sandy - have a blessed Easter. I hope Sarah sends you a sign!

Dee - thanks for the holla! I saw some chatting about ADD...oh where do I begin?!

I want to also send a shout-out to Carol...I saw your post the other day but haven't been able to post in days and days. Good to see you!

Please know that I think of you all, just ran out of steam and am heading up to watch a little TV before I snooze. I'd like to come back and tell you all about the Smiles by Sarah projects we're working on. Until then, dream sweet dreams of your angels and rest well my friends! Love, Shelly

[ericasmom]

Shelly, good to see your new name here, glad that you figured your way back.

Sherry, the crocus sound lovely and what a treat to see the yellow woodpecker. I have never seen one in person. We do have daffodils coming up and tulips, nothing ready to bloom but coming. Under the leaf litter and mulch, there are many early blooming perennials showing some green. The buttercups are laying flat on the ground, showing the reddish leaves.

Mike's dad, I can see it through your eyes about the war: my favorite bumper sticker still is; Hate the war, love the warrior. (from vietnam war time).

[andy sager]

Hello all been a little while since I posted here (I normally go to the chat room) but I read all of your stories and share your pain and take strength from you.Thank you.

Today is Triston's 16th birthday and the first that he is not here with me for it.I feel like I am losing my mind.This is to much for me the feelings of failing my son,the anger at the man who killed him,the hate for myself all of it is grinding away at me and I see myself isolating,and pushing away anyone that wants to help.I am there for my kids I can maintan an illusion of the amn I am supposed to be for short pierod of times but they get shorter and shorter.I am a cloud of rage and I don't know how to stop it.It has been 8 months since he was ripped from our lives and everyday it seems to build in me.I talk,I write,I scream,I cry and nobody can hear me.I hate that on what was once the best day in my entire life the day I became a father and a man has become so lonely and empty.I miss his smile so much I cannot understand how something so beautiful can be gone from daily life.I cannot understand why somebody so kind can not be here to teach me so much more that i need to know about love.I do not understand how I can be alive when the child I swore to protect with my life is not.I do not understand how I can be so weak.

I am sorry to anyone that this brings down I just don't know where else I spill this without it hurting my family.

Love and Peace Andy

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello all been a little while since I posted here (I normally go to the chat room) but I read all of your stories and share your pain and take strength from you.Thank you.

Today is Triston's 16th birthday and the first that he is not here with me for it.I feel like I am losing my mind.This is to much for me the feelings of failing my son,the anger at the man who killed him,the hate for myself all of it is grinding away at me and I see myself isolating,and pushing away anyone that wants to help.I am there for my kids I can maintan an illusion of the amn I am supposed to be for short pierod of times but they get shorter and shorter.I am a cloud of rage and I don't know how to stop it.It has been 8 months since he was ripped from our lives and everyday it seems to build in me.I talk,I write,I scream,I cry and nobody can hear me.I hate that on what was once the best day in my entire life the day I became a father and a man has become so lonely and empty.I miss his smile so much I cannot understand how something so beautiful can be gone from daily life.I cannot understand why somebody so kind can not be here to teach me so much more that i need to know about love.I do not understand how I can be alive when the child I swore to protect with my life is not.I do not understand how I can be so weak.

I am sorry to anyone that this brings down I just don't know where else I spill this without it hurting my family.

Love and Peace Andy

Oh Andy, we on this forum hear you and feel your pain. We are here to help lift you up and give you support on days like these. We truly do understand your emptiness in the loss of your precious son. I don't know why bad things happen to good people. I do know that there are good people out there that are here to help carry us when we are at our lowest and feeling we can't take it any longer. The love you show for your son comes through loud and clear. I am sure he knew how much you cared for him. One day at a time and one step at a time is all you can ask of yourself. Go easy and don't beat yourself up over past mistakes. Focus on the good and all the love that he brought into your life. Take care. Kate

[ericasmom]

Fly freely Triston, on this remarkable day, the day that brought you to the man who aches so clearly today, each day now. Your Birth will always be the most lovely day to your Dad, so please spend this day with him.

May this first heavenly birthday be spent sending your energy to Dad, to all those who miss you so fully, touch them with your peaceful love letting them know that you are near and forever with them.

Andy, your Boy is so handsome, beautiful eyes, and that smile...Please come here and talk with us, we all know the pain that courses through your heart, the absolute ache of this terrible loss. Tris is with you in all you do and while I know that this does not do what you want; bring him back, one day it will serve to bring you some comfort to know and feel your Son with you in your everyday. I am nearly 10 years on this journey, it is a journey. One thing I know to be true is you are not weak, none of us here are weak...any parent that wakes up one day past their child, is not weak. You are strong, and crying and weeping and raging are the ways we process this terrible leaving. This is not weakness, this is what grief feels like, what it looks like. We do tend to push others away because we are unsure of them seeing this new person we have become, and we know that there is nothing they can do to ease this. We also push away because we don't want to hear some of the 'sayings' that others present. Though most say things in kindness, in genuine care, the sayings can send us into a rage...breathe, take ten sips of water in the next half-hour(must rehydrate) and get some outdoor time if you can. Somehow, we feel some peace when outdoors, a return to nature...hang on, the only way through this time is THROUGH it, no pretending it isn't happening, no apologizing for being emotional, it is real. Triston is real, his life was short but he is real and he understands your pain.

[BrendaDup59]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Triston

[mikesmomrs]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY TRISTAN...fly among our angels and celebrate this day...surround your dad and your family with your sweet spirit and let them know you are there with them, as always. Touch their day with sunshine and joy...hard as it may be for them, perhaps reminding them of a sweet memory will bring a smile to their heart. We speak your name to remember....TRISTAN, TRISTAN, TRISTAN...

Andy...I reiterate everything that Dee and Kate said to you...take our love and strength and comfort and hold it close to you...the healing is slow, painful and something we wish we never had to know. As hard as it may be, I do hope you are celebrating your beautiful Tristan's life today...but he will understand if you cannot do that yet. You have come to a good place. I love the pictures of your beautiful boy!

[shellykut]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY TRISTAN! May you soar above your Dad and show him how freely your spirit can fly now! Let him know that, even though you can't be with him in body, you sure are still with him always! Andy, my heart to you as you struggle with this day. I try to look at my daughter's birthday as the day God blessed me with her. My life would not have been as rich as it was if He had not given her to me. Sarah died at age 29 from leukemia in August of 2010. I pray for a measure of peace for you. Take care of you....Shelly