Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

ORANGE.....ORANGE......IN HONOR OF BRIAN, AND KOURTNEY.

Bonnie-----So good to see Jason's nice smile and your post. Hope you are doing ok.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda-----I, so know what you mean about getting behind in posts. Glad to see

West's nice smile.

Dee-----Thanks for the poem "Fix You", that you wrote for ERi. It says what we all

could say to ourselves, and our beloved children who left this world too soon. I missed

the Blue Moon the other night. Our flowers are also saying goodbye to summer. But,

my morning glories are blooming now on the post by the barn. Also, the honeysuckle

vine that my husband planted for me recently is doing well, and has some buds on it.

I asked him to plant it somewhere near the back patio. I love the fragrance. It's rainy

here today. As I was looking out my kitchen window, I saw a flock of wild turkeys (about

20 in number.....adults, and juveniles) walking across the grass near the barn. They

just strolled along in file, then went back of the grape arbor and into the soybean field

and out of sight. We have seen them about lately, and it's so nice to see them.

Colleen---- thanks for your kind words. I agree with Dee....that no matter how long (or short)

of time a person has been on BI, their words are always a help and comfort to us all.

I have found comfort in your posts, pics, poems etc. all along the way. Peace to you, friend.

Gretchen----Your post......"Love Never Dies" is so true. It just keeps going on.

Brenda-----I guess each of us must decide on how we will observe the holidays....... whether or not to

to decorate etc. When I was early on this journey, we didn't have a Christmas tree for a few

years. Then,we gradually went back to having one, but it was smaller and decorating in general

more subdued. Each one of us must decide how we handle that difficult hurdle.......and go at their

own pace. No wrong way.....just our own way.

Thoughts & prayers.

David----Sending prayers as you face each day in this sorrowful and early time on this rough

journey. Your dear son, Josh, must be looking down on you, with love, on your rough days, and also

when you feel you have made even the tiniest bit of progress.

Becky----Thinking of you as you approach your dear son's angel day coming up. May your

warm memories of him bring you a measure of comfort. Peace & prayers.

I WILL GET THIS POSTED, (BEFORE I LOSE IT AGAIN), AND THERE'S A STORM BREWING.....WANT

TO GET IT POSTED BEFORE THE ELECTRIC POSSIBLY GOES OFF. (IT WENT OFF LAST NIGHT ALSO).

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, I hope you have rain but no outages. Wild turkeys walking in line, perhaps they could teach my students.

Bonnie, it sure was good to see you post here, it always feels good to connect with someone from our earlier days here.

Rhonda, I do hope that your husband will be fine. I know that the added stress is not at all what you need, it just is part of the daily life we lead as we get older.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi All, just taking a few days of rest from posting. It has been an insightfull few days. Many changes to my life. Much put on hold that needed attending too. Ralph's passing anf the news of my friend brought me to a low point. In fact, I knew that my life would never be the same again. My son's death has changed me big time. I finally hit that wall. Man does it ever hurt!!!! I had to face it. I needed to do this for him and for me as well. Death is a huge part and everyday occurence for us all. We can not escape it. And eventually one day it will be our turn. I feel my son in everything around me that is good. And oh, Jeff, you were so good! And it feels wonderful! He has not gone from me, but only changed the scenario. He was a great teacher and I his student. I have learned that this life is for living. Oh yes, we cry and mourn our loss. The pain can seem unbearable...but when it softens... we finally see the way to our new way of living. We take all of those good things we have processed and use them to our advantage. We move forward in a positive way. I had a dream a few months back. I won't go into the details. However, in it I saw my son. The colours surrounding him were something that was new. Brilliant, amazing and blindingly beautiful. I choose to see him in this existence of peace and light. Purity unlike anything I have ever known. Embraced by the ultimate Creator. How wonderful is that? So life does continue both in the here and now. And in our next existence.

Thinking of you Carol and family . May God grant you peace and comfort at this time.

Love, Kate

[ericasmom]

Glad to see you Kate and to know that you are well after a low point. Yes, Ralph/Mike's death has definitely caused us all a deep quiet, a time to send our energy and hope to Carol and her Family. We know that Ralph is fine, better than fine, and we know that somewhere down the road, Carol and the Family will find some new steps to add to those steps they know so well, and use them in this new iteration.

Carol, as you lead those in attendance through the services tomorrow please know that we are standing right there alongside you, saying Mike's /Ralph's Name.

[Jeff's Mom]

Glad to see you Kate and to know that you are well after a low point. Yes, Ralph/Mike's death has definitely caused us all a deep quiet, a time to send our energy and hope to Carol and her Family. We know that Ralph is fine, better than fine, and we know that somewhere down the road, Carol and the Family will find some new steps to add to those steps they know so well, and use them in this new iteration.

Carol, as you lead those in attendance through the services tomorrow please know that we are standing right there alongside you, saying Mike's /Ralph's Name.

Thanks Dee, still clawing my way back up to some sort of normal. Let this be a lesson to all on this journey...even after all of this time it can still take hold. BUT....you can work through it! Stay strong and go with it. One day at a time. Tears and laughter...good and bad days. Life changes and eventually you will find a new way of feeling more settled again. Not really good, but okay. I'll accept that for now.

Love, Kate

[jennifersmom]

Hi,

I am new to this site and have read many posts. Tomorrow will be 25 weeks since I lost my precious daughter, and best friend. she was my world, my everything. Having Jennifer was the best thing that has ever happened to me and losing her is the absolute worst, devastating. She had just turned 33, just starting life, she had so many plans. Some days I do ok but most days I just want to die, I don't know how I am suppose to do this thing called life without her. When she was here I wanted to grow to be old and now I just don't want to go on most of the time. I wake up and I am angry that I woke up. Its like I have to face the new day, another day without her. We were so, so close and although I have a wonderful husband , I just want my baby girl (she was also our only child). Not only were we so close but we spent so much time together. I miss her more than I can even put into words, I am so depressed, so sad, feel every emotion except any kind of happiness, I just don't care about anything. I am also very angry, at everything. I know from all that I have read, that this is all part of a grieving parent and I have read too that losing a child is the most horrible pain and boy is that true. My best friend said to me early on that there is nothing that can hurt you more than losing your baby and she is so right about that. Anyways, I know I am just babbling, I have so much in my head. I just needed to unload and a place to come and express my grief to others that know exactly the pain I am talking about.

Thanks for listening,

robin (jennifers mom)

[BrendaDup59]

I thought I would post a cute little video of my granddaughter Jaci dancing..this was taken Saturday sorry about the video being sideways I had hoped I could turn it but I cant figure that. out oh well you can still see her.. I also thought I would show you all a few of my drawings I have done I have decided to try and sell some of my art work in hopes of raising money for my grand children to have a Christmas I know Traci is worried about how to get enough money to get 6 kids gifts. so wish me luck. My link

[ericasmom]

Jeesh BRen, these drawings are wonderful. Another thing you can do is send your work to places that assign illustrators to authors. Many publishing houses accept the work from artists and keep them on file in order to pair up the appropriate art with the stories sent in from authors. Beautiful.

Robin, losing Jenifer is the most awful thing that can be. We are here and we really get it. Tell us more about your Daughter when you are able, tell and tell, and don't worry about retelling any of the sequence, by telling our stories over and over, we find our steps, even when we don't wish to.

[Jeff's Mom]

I thought I would post a cute little video of my granddaughter Jaci dancing..this was taken Saturday sorry about the video being sideways I had hoped I could turn it but I cant figure that. out oh well you can still see her.. I also thought I would show you all a few of my drawings I have done I have decided to try and sell some of my art work in hopes of raising money for my grand children to have a Christmas I know Traci is worried about how to get enough money to get 6 kids gifts. so wish me luck. My link

Brenda, your drawings are just amazing! You have a real talent! Dee is so right in that you could be an illustrator for books. Your grandaughter is just a little doll. I love the way she was swaying to the music.

[tobyfreefoot]

I thought I would post a cute little video of my granddaughter Jaci dancing..this was taken Saturday sorry about the video being sideways I had hoped I could turn it but I cant figure that. out oh well you can still see her.. I also thought I would show you all a few of my drawings I have done I have decided to try and sell some of my art work in hopes of raising money for my grand children to have a Christmas I know Traci is worried about how to get enough money to get 6 kids gifts. so wish me luck. My link

Marvelous drawings and jaci got every step PERFECT! love it!

[tobyfreefoot]

robin--the best thing about this site is you can babble all you want and someone listens. you can talk about your baby all day and no one thinks ...enough! we know how important it is to be able to talk about our children without feeling like people wish we would move on. this is a wonderful place to talk about your love and grief, the happy memories and sad days and nothing at all. just a place you can talk about the weather if you want and we all understand how hard that simple bit of normalcy can be. so please share your beautiful daughter with us.

[Jeff's Mom]

Robin, I am so sorry for your loss. We all understand how difficult a time you are having. Gretchen is very right in saying that you can talk to your heart's content on here. You are still very new in this grief process. It is still very raw and painful. We would love to hear about your lovely daughter Jennifer...when you are ready.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Glad to see you Kate and to know that you are well after a low point. Yes, Ralph/Mike's death has definitely caused us all a deep quiet, a time to send our energy and hope to Carol and her Family. We know that Ralph is fine, better than fine, and we know that somewhere down the road, Carol and the Family will find some new steps to add to those steps they know so well, and use them in this new iteration.

Carol, as you lead those in attendance through the services tomorrow please know that we are standing right there alongside you, saying Mike's /Ralph's Name.

Thanks Dee, I am doing just fine. I'll be okay. It's just going to take time. Funny thing is the person that has cancer told me today that she would not want to trade places with me. Sure made me feel good.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Hope Everyone has a good day, it is finally beginning to cool down around here with an expected high temp of 80 today rather than the 95 we saw on Tuesday. Glorious. Kate, can't read into your words if it did make you feel good or are you using sarcasm. I can see it either way. Sometimes my pragmatics button is off.

Good day

Leah, how are you these days?

[Jeff's Mom]

Hope Everyone has a good day, it is finally beginning to cool down around here with an expected high temp of 80 today rather than the 95 we saw on Tuesday. Glorious. Kate, can't read into your words if it did make you feel good or are you using sarcasm. I can see it either way. Sometimes my pragmatics button is off.

Good day

Leah, how are you these days?

Sorry Dee, I can see after reading my post that it was not clear. I guess I was just blown away by her comment that came out of nowhere. She is lucky in that she does have a good source of support surrounding her at this time. She just felt a need to draw my attention to the fact that she felt that what I was going through was worse. And that if I had to walk in her shoes I would have to go it alone. A fact I am sadly too aware of. I felt her comment was not called for and therefore inappropriate. And I guess it hurt.

It is a very nice day here today. The colours of the foliage are just stunning. Amazing how quickly the leaves have turned colour! The nights are getting much shorter and noticably cooler. Hope everyone has a good day.

Kate

[tantraman8]

Sorry Dee, I can see after reading my post that it was not clear. I guess I was just blown away by her comment that came out of nowhere. She is lucky in that she does have a good source of support surrounding her at this time. She just felt a need to draw my attention to the fact that she felt that what I was going through was worse. And that if I had to walk in her shoes I would have to go it alone. A fact I am sadly too aware of. I felt her comment was not called for and therefore inappropriate. And I guess it hurt.

It is a very nice day here today. The colours of the foliage are just stunning. Amazing how quickly the leaves have turned colour! The nights are getting much shorter and noticably cooler. Hope everyone has a good day.

Kate

Morning Dee and Kate and all from sunny (DUH) Tucson!

Well, I guess if we can get a "DUH" out of me, I must be doing OK this morning! Last night, was painful....acutely feeling the pain of "Josh not here."

Kate, I get the "doing it alone." I have, what I consider, four good friends here in Tucson, two of whom I see on a regular basis, the other two only occasionally and, I am not married or in a relationship. So, I live alone. Often times, in my casita, the pain of losing Josh feels "jagged and suffocating" and being alone feels like a major aspect of it. My casita, which used to be my temple, has often felt like a scary prison.

Kate, you are one of the people who has been the most "there" for me on here. And, all of the trauma you're experiencing right now would be HUGELY draining to even the most resilient spirit.

For what it's worth, when you share of the foliage, or walking along the lake, or sitting on the shore, I feel the peaceful "up" side of you and it feels GENUINE! And, now, when you share the pain and the loneliness, that feels genuine too. Both are a gift to me. One of the ways you've been a gift to me, is my experience of you as honest and authentic. I want to support you any way I can.

I post here, and believe it or not, on my Facebook page. The responses on both really help me with the aloneness; there because people who love me reach out, even if they don't know firsthand what it's like to lose a child, here.....because you all GET IT...GET ME and Kate and Dee and Brenda, and anyone else who has reached out to me, your understanding is a "balm for my soul" for which I feel immense gratitude.

In some ways, this loss is really challenging me to be there for MYSELF in the darkness, to learn to love me better. AND, I believe I would not SURVIVE this journey without you all and everyone who reaches out to me with gentleness, empathy, and even glimpses of life going on with some sweetness.

With love and gratitude,

David

[ericasmom]

David, so glad that being here let's you breathe a bit easier.

Kate, I guess I thought that perhaps she was feeling that you are going through even more than she, and that she was empathizing. I did not know that she was making it seem glaring that you don't have a huge net of support. Sorry that you had to go through that.

dee

[Jeff's Mom]

David, so glad that being here let's you breathe a bit easier.

Kate, I guess I thought that perhaps she was feeling that you are going through even more than she, and that she was empathizing. I did not know that she was making it seem glaring that you don't have a huge net of support. Sorry that you had to go through that.

dee

Thanks Dee, it would be nice to think along those lines... but in truth, that is not what she meant. I am however going to overlook it and accept the fact that she is in a really bad place right now. I truly do feel for her and she does have some excellent qualities. How are things going at school these days? Glad to see your temps are cooling off slightly. I'm sure it makes the working conditions in your classroom more pleasant. The kids here started back yesterday and there appeared to be much moaning and groaning from any of the kids I spoke with. I told them to look on the positive side. It makes for a short week!

Kate

[jennifersmom]

Dear Kate and Gretchen,

Thanks for your replies and words of comfort. I have posted on other sites where I get no replies and to tell you the truth, it makes me feel really alone. I think about my baby girl constantly and all I want to do is talk about her even when it makes me cry. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and her passing was the worst. Marrying my husband is the second best thing that has ever happened to me. He is so supportive and never loses his patience with me. We talk about her constantly. He grieves as I can see it in his eyes and hear it when he talks about her but he always tells me he hears Jennifer saying to him, "dad you have to talke care of mom and be strong for her". Jennifer is the most loving, caring, amazing and beautiful person (hope it doesn't sound weird but for some reason I hate talking about her in the past tense). She turned 33 in Dec and passed away on March 14 due to chronic lung disease. That is what is listed on the death certificate. On the autopsy report it states she had a collapsed lung and fluid in her lungs. In June 2011, we went to the hospital and she had 2 blood clots in her lung and pneumonia. From June until Oct she spent around 4 months on and off for pneumonia. She was on so many antibiotics and they could never figure out what type of pneumonia so she was treated for virus, bacteria and a couple others I can't think of now. They put her on couminin for the blood and did a lung biopsy to try to figure out whaat type of pneumonia. Even with the biopsy they couldn't figure out so she was being treating for all kinds. Well when the stupid lung specialist did the biopsy, he didn't take her off couminin long enough and she bleed on the last biopsy and one lung filled up with blood,, we almost lost er then. Because her lung had been so traumatized, she was put on life support for 2 days. After Oct, she was well enough to stay with us or me at her apt but Jan 1 became so ill again that she was put on life support for one week. Then kept in the hospital another week but when she was released was so weak that she stayed with us 2 months so we could take care of her. Then was feeling better and wanted to go her apt because she missed it. She had a beautiful apt and loved it so much. So I stayed with her from Mon-Sat. She asked on Sat if I could stay another night (I will never forget her face and so regret I didn't) but I told her I needed to come home and get some stuff done and wanted some time alone with her dad but, I would be back in a few days. I always stayed with her 2-3 nights every week just to have girl time and we loved hanging oout together. I talked to her on Mon, she said she was feeling better (had been on antibiotics again). The plan was for me to go back to her apt on Wed so I said lets talk tomorrow and will figure out what time I'll come over, Well I tried many times to get ahold of her on Tues and couldn't. I just thought she is sleeping so soundly and she will call when she gets up. It was very rare we didn't talk several times a day. On Wed souldn't get ahold of her and went to the apt. They busted down the door and she had passed. On Wed shortly before I went to the apt, I just got this bad feeling in my gut something was really wrong and just started crying. I honestly believe as does my husband and a couple sisters that is when she passed. The detective and medical examiner said there was no struggle, she went peacefully. I sometimes have so much guilt not going over there Tues, not staying a night or two more. I miss my baby girl more than I can ever put into woords. The pain of losing her is excrutiating. I'm sorry, hope this all makes sense.

Thanks for listening

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I miss you so much, Jared. ♥

[tobyfreefoot]

robin oh i am so sorry. sounds like you and jennifer have a wonderful relationship. i have found 14 months out that forest seems to live inside me and is in the corners and the shadows of my every thought even when i am not thinking of him. i rarely speak of him in the past tense even now. i understand how that is and our sweet children are still very much alive in our hearts and all that love is still rolling around the universe. i am hopeful when i hear others getting signs from their children that forest is still here with me and your beautiful daughter with you. when you can tell us more about her.

[tobyfreefoot]

becky the picture expresses how i feel. what i wouldn't do to change it for us all

[aim630]

Robin-I'm so sorry you are here, but you've come to a great place for understanding and hopefully some comfort. When you are able, tell us more about Jennifer.

My 23 yr old Ashley died from complications of pneumonia ( a blood clot stopped her heart). She had been hospitalized for 3 months, 2 of them in a medically induced coma. She missed her 23rd birthday which was on Thanksgiving day that year, along with Christmas. In early January 2010, they brought her out of the coma, and she was recovering and starting physical therapy, when suddenly her heart stopped. We still have her Christmas stocking hanging up with some small gifts I picked up in December 2009, for when she got to come home (she never did).

The past 31 months have been bad, but would have been worse without the people here. I don't post often, but read every day. You'll find some good wisdom here from Dee, Sherry, Carol, Betsy, Colleen, Kate, Kathy, Rhonda, Trudi, and Betty who've been here longer, as well as the others who haven't been here as long, but always have a kind word, and who understand all too well: Gretchen, Brenda, Becky, Linda, Susan,and David.

I'm sure I forgot someone, and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, but everyone here has been helpful as we all try to muddle along in this life without our children. No one truly understands except those of us who are on this long road.

Returning to work helped me in a way, but the first couple of months were pretty rough. I just tried to get through each day. I find once I'm in my house, I don't want to leave. I'd rather lose myself in a book (escape).

My 19 yr old Katie just returned to college (3 hrs away), so it's just my husband and I in the house for now. My husband's stepmother died, and the services are Saturday. I'm sure I will lose it, not just for the loas of Jean's life, but also for Ashley.

Well I haven't posted anything in weeks, now I write a book!

Thinking of you all,

Amy

[ericasmom]

Robin, I agree with Gretchen, that the present tense is fine for all of us because they live in our hearts forever and they are ever-present in thier new way. I know how dearly the new way isn't enough, the pain of not having your Girl right next to you to see and hold, but She most certainly is present and loving you and her dad through and through.

Erica was killed nine years ago when an Amtrak at a broken crossing hit her car. She lived for 6 days following, but the brain injury was too severe. She is always with me in so many ways, and it is in her light that I find my purpose. It takes a long while to find out how to live again so please be kind to yourself knowing that your Jennifer would want more than anything for you to be as well as you can be. She will always be your Daughter and you- her Dear Mother and Best Friend. Peace one day.

Kate, sorry that your friend is a bit caustic, not easy to be around.

Becky, love the photo, so true.

Amy, good to see you today and I hope you are well. The funeral will be hard but I guess the way I feel when folks leave now is that if they get to be 70 or more, I am so happy for them to have had the time here that they did. Funerals however, do bring so much to the surface.

[Jeff's Mom]

One short thing to say this evening. Hold close to your heart your precious child. Never feel as if they are gone. They are just a thought away. The aching to hold them is intense. I can still feel him as I close my eyes. We will be reunited again at the right time. Love truly never dies. It surrounds us... and if we never have loved we could not feel such pain. Hold tight. A better day will soon come.

Kate

[heartbeataway]

Robin,

I don't poste often anymore. I mostly "lurk". Your post about the loss of Jennifer touched my heart. We lost our only son, my only child in April 2007. The news literally took me to my knees in pain. His death was a sudden heart death, ARVD/C.

I vividly remember looking out a window, hearing birds sing and someone mowing grass. I stood there with tears streaming thinking, don't they know? How could birds sing and the grass continue to grow?

I described life as walking through wet sand, everyday in sepia tones and a ticker tape constantly playing in my head of, "how can he be gone .... how can he be gone ..... how can he be gone .... "

I know that low and not wanting to wake up. I also remember waking up during the night and going to the landing outside our bedroom door calling his name in the dark and my husband, Rich, guiding me back to bed and holding me as I sobbed myself back to sleep.

These are tough days. Very tough days and there will be more ..... BUT, even though it doesn't seem possible, that pain will get softer. I can't give you a time line but you will at some point realize that you can say the words you avoid. I can now say, our son died. That took a long time ..... !

Our loved ones seem to send us signs and they come to mean so much to us! For us, it's a high flying swooping hawk, a black corvette or heart shapes in the darndest places. Not long ago after a troubling day, I was taking some tea bags that I had set in the kitchen sink to throw away and when I picked them up there was a perfect heart shape in the sink. Am I borderline crazy? Maybe ..... ! :-) But, I just smile and say, I love you too son. :-)

During the dark times when I truly could not find a reason within myself to get up in the morning, having the worst case of "the woes is me" imaginable, my last thought before drifting off to sleep was, please don't let me wake up. It took my husband to make me realize how selfish that thought was. He had talked me into going to dinner with close friends one night. I agreed only because I knew how much he wanted me to get out. I was still in that stage where tears were spontaneous tears and uncontrollable.

On the way home, it was quiet and he was trying to make conversation. I had tears rolling down my face and no desire to talk. I remember telling him that I didn't think I could "do this" anymore. I didn't even want to "do this" anymore. With tears rolling down his face told me that he understood but also asked that I think the other people in my life that love me. Do you really want to do this to me again? He was confident that we could "do this" together and promised to be there for me.

From that moment, I did my best to honor his love for me. I really couldn't do anything to cause him to suffer, I love him too much to hurt him.

There have been many days that I've called him and he always answered. When i would say I'm having a tough time, he would talk me through it.

We have gone on to try to make a difference by raising funds for ARVD research at Johns Hopkins by having a yearly camping, jeeping, outdoor adventure weekend at the very campground where he died.

We also became foster parents and at this late date in our lives, look forward to adopting. Never dreamed we would be starting over but we know we can make a difference for them and they for us. And that our son, Jay, would be incredibly proud of us.

I still lay down and wallow in my grief from time to time but I can also get up in the morning, put my feet on the floor, breath in and out and go on .......

We are a heartbeat away from our children .... but, we're also a living example of strength and the keeper of their memory. No, it's not suppose to be that way. We are not suppose to out live or eulogize our children.

Hang in there, each of us can tell you it will get softer. It's never going away but it will get softer on your heart and your mind.

I remember sitting up in the wee hours of the morning when I couldn't sleep and going online for comfort. I've said this to so many others and always whisper a prayer as I do. Pour out your heart with your keyboard, we will be here listening with our eyes and responding with our own broken hearted experience and encouragement.

Warm hugs and understanding,

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, so good to read your words tonight. You may not post often, but you pack a powerful post. Good to see Jay's smiling face tonight.

Just watched Barrack and am amazed again and again at his ability to touch ones heart with his words.

Goodnight All

[ericasmom]

Carol Dear, my prayers for you and the girls and all of the grandkids. Deep sleep for you I hope.

[mikesmum]

Robin ~ I came here in the wee hours four months after Mike died. I couldn't believe I was the only one who knew he was gone. Once the 'requirements' were attended to I tried to continue with the life I had before that day. It was like driving a car through sand dunes with flat tyres. Everthing had changed but I didn't know it.

It was April 2007 and after not being able to find anyone that knew what I felt I connected with this group. The site was known as Beyond Indigo. That was where I was...beyond the darkest of blues.

Like Bonnie says, its surreal to see the world go one when our child has gone. The tears the sadness do 'mellow' for want of better words. The memories that bring a smile, the feeling of our child in our hearts goes in part to healing the ache.

Living on in honour of our children is something that comes with time. Many here and others who no longer visit, have established scholarships , raise funds for cancer, ARVD, awareness on issues otherwise hidden, all in the name of their child's name.

In the last years of his life, Mike worked with kids who had special needs. Some had medical conditions, others whose socio-economic situation saw them lacking in many ways. The past couple of years I have become a volunteer at a local rural school. I mentor children between the ages of 9-11 whose are going through family breakdowns. The school community have given me a 'lifeline'.

This week is the school production. My role, making costumes for a family of Badgers. The play The Fantastic Mr Fox. Never been an 'artistic' person, I think I'm more right brain Now I work with a hot glue gun, fake fur, glass eyes and educate grade 3/4 on the life and times of a Badger.

Please when you are able share your girl here. Come when you need, post if you can, but know you will always have someone to talk to.

On a more sombre note, for those not on FaceBook, Carol has posted a thank you to all who have supported both her and Mike (Ralph). There is picture of her hands wrapped around Mikes...no words. The other is one posted by her grandson Kameron. Its the guard of honour folding the flag across the casket. A 21 gun salute was also part of the laying to rest ceremony.

Carol was one of the many who held out a hand to me when I was at my lowest. My love and continued support is with her and her extended family as they find there way after such a loss.

[MBN]

Robin, I am so, so sorry for your loss. For me ... it is 3 months today since I lost my 18 year old son in a car accident. It seems like forever, and it seems like yesterday. My life completely changed in a moment.

In my belief system, my Nathan isn't gone. I believe that everything he is -- his spirit, his personality -- is still very much alive, just in a place that I can't see or touch. I believe that he is still connected to us, still communicating his love in subtle ways. I've had signs that I believe are from him -- call it wishful thinking or delusion, but it is incredible comfort to me. It helps me go one and live my life. It's not good-by ...it's see you later.

So even though I still cry every day, I'm trying to move forward and do all of the things we've planned. Some days it's like moving through quicksand, but other days are better. We had planned to clean/purge/refresh the house once the kids were out of the house, so I'm working on that little by little, room by room. It helps me feel like I'm taking control of my environment. We adopted an adult rescue cat - something we couldn't have before because Nathan was severely allergic. Our new kitty is a purring fuzzy snuggle-bunny that brings life into our home. We have our friends, family, and our church family. We are keeping to our normal routine.

I believe life is still good, that joy is possible, and we are still on this Earth for a reason. Before, I was primarily engaged in this life on this plane of existence. Now, a piece of my heart is tied to the next. I am committed to living my life here fully and with purpose, but when it is my time, I can go joyfully because my Nathan is there and I will see him again.

I don't know why, but I just felt compelled to share this today -- I hope it doesn't offend anyone.

[ericasmom]

MBN, your post has perfect timing. It is your hand out to reach a Newbie to the road we share. No better time to share your belief system. My system runs along the same outline, and have always believed that we are here for reasons we just don't always know, but trust that we will one day. I don't get to know at this time why Erica left this plane, but one day I will and until then, living my best life in her honor, where she cannot stand, I will, is what I know she would want.

Trudi, so good to know that you are working again with the little ones. Hooray. What lucky kids and funny, I think of you as very artistic, right left and center brained. Love you.

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

I just sent another letter to a family who is new to our "Club that no-one wants to belong to."

Henry was 2 years old and his death was unexpected. I do not know the reason, but the family lives very near me - within 5-6 miles.

This letter tells them that they are not alone in this! That there are others of us out there who have walked this path before them and can try to bring a tiny bit of light to their otherwise bumping and dark road.

I also tell them about us and the Compassionate Friends group in our area.

Other than that...............

A sad welcome to the newbies here who find themselves thrust, kicking and screaming, into this grief. We are a place where you can SAY THEIR NAME - loud and clear and we will never turn away.

My Brian would have been 21 this year. He died at 16. I still cannot believe my family is on this journey. I miss Brian every second of every day. But the severe pain has stopped. The crying daily or weekly has stopped. My family is finding new memories - not without Brian, but with him in a different way.

I ask each of you to find just one thing to smile about today. Just ONE ...or two or three.

Going out and finding happiness truly does lift the crushing weight of grief, even if for a short while.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

MBN - I love your post. What a great outlook you have. 3 months is just a blink-of-an-eye on this grief journey. Keep up the good work!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello my friends,

I just sent another letter to a family who is new to our "Club that no-one wants to belong to."

Henry was 2 years old and his death was unexpected. I do not know the reason, but the family lives very near me - within 5-6 miles.

This letter tells them that they are not alone in this! That there are others of us out there who have walked this path before them and can try to bring a tiny bit of light to their otherwise bumping and dark road.

I also tell them about us and the Compassionate Friends group in our area.

Other than that...............

A sad welcome to the newbies here who find themselves thrust, kicking and screaming, into this grief. We are a place where you can SAY THEIR NAME - loud and clear and we will never turn away.

My Brian would have been 21 this year. He died at 16. I still cannot believe my family is on this journey. I miss Brian every second of every day. But the severe pain has stopped. The crying daily or weekly has stopped. My family is finding new memories - not without Brian, but with him in a different way.

I ask each of you to find just one thing to smile about today. Just ONE ...or two or three.

Going out and finding happiness truly does lift the crushing weight of grief, even if for a short while.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Finding happiness again is vital in making it through this grief process.

The day is lovely. Weather supposedly amazing for the weekend. The fall colours are just spectacular...we hope to hike into the woods to the memorial site today. Such a lovely and peaceful setting. Have a great day everyone. Take care.

[mikesmum]

In my belief system, my Nathan isn't gone. I believe that everything he is -- his spirit, his personality -- is still very much alive, just in a place that I can't see or touch. I believe that he is still connected to us, still communicating his love in subtle ways. I've had signs that I believe are from him -- call it wishful thinking or delusion, but it is incredible comfort to me. It helps me go one and live my life. It's not good-by ...it's see you later.

MBN ~ I second what Colleen says. I think we are overwhelmed wanting the connection we 'had' and the ways we used to interact with our children. Opening up to the connection that remains, the spirit, the person they are forever sees them with us for all time.

Colleen ~ You continue to grow on the journey. Reaching out, guiding those who like most of us were in those early days, lost. In honour of Brian I'm sure.

Dee ~ Yes back with the group. The family law matter still impacts slightly. But there is such light from working with these children. Seeing their portrayal of their favourite books in short plays brings back memories of another place in time.

Wintery still here.

[hotrod]

Angel'sSon

I moved this to our board

Newbie

Posted Today, 09:16 PM

On August 15th, 2012, my 30 year old son shot himself in the head with a gun. He had a great job, a wife and beautiful baby girl, 9 months old. He had started drinking recently and never gave anyone a sign that there was anything wrong. He was my best friend. I'm really having a hard time with this. I just need to hear other stories so I can relate to. I hope I'm in the right group. I'm new to this.

[ericasmom]

Betty, how nice of you to move this post to our group.

Newbie, I am so sorry for the tragic loss you have experienced. Tell us more about your Boy when you can. You are very early on this grief road, I am glad that you are seeking a place to be where you will be understood and listened to and where you can share the sadness and ache in your heart.

My 19 year old Daughter was killed 9 years ago. I came here and was able to find a place that helped me find my steps, I stay in hopes of doing the same for those new to this journey.

Colleen, so good of you to reach out to the family of that little Boy. I will add my prayers for his loved ones. I am so sorry for the family. We know how devastating it is.

Trudi, you are golden to those kids.

I watched STAND UP TO CANCER tonight on TV. It was broadcast on CBS, NBC, and ABC from 7-8. That is amazing to me, that this kind of fund raising would be on all three big stations. There were musicians and actors and cancer survivors and fighters and doctors all telling stories and raising funds for research. I thought it was done well as I wept through the whole thing. More prayers..

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, I have been very down the last few days , no energy all I want to do is sleep, I finally started working on the things my sister wanted me to do for my nieces baby shower , I wanted to paint my kitchen before my new appliances get here and I just cant seen to get anything started. I went over to my moms this morning to help her and she told me what had happen this morning she had woke up at 5 am thinking about Brian they were very closes she said she laid there thinking about him how much she misses him . she then went back to sleep and finally got up at 7 am when she walked out her bedroom she could smell cigarette smoke like someone was smoking in her house .. she said for a few seconds she thought someone may be in the house so she started down the hall and the smell went away so she turned around and went back to her room, Brian's room he stayed in is across from her room and the smell got stronger and it was coming from his room, so she said she went in and sat down and talked to him and after awhile it was gone. , she told me when I had told her about it happening to me she thought I was missing him so much I was imagining it. well she said she now knows what I was talking about . well I was laying here watching TV and the smell of smoke got so strong I called my husband in to see if he could smell it and he couldn't? well as I am typing this it is back again for the 3rd time this evening .. I truly believe he is with me . and I can hear him say Mom I am OK . .. I just wanted to share .

to the Newbie, I am so very sorry for your loss, you have found a wonderful place here .and I hope you come back and tell us more about your son, I lost my son Brian he was 32 to a motorcycle accident in March he was a husband ,father to 6 and a very big part of my heart

I do want to thank all of you for your sweet compliments on my drawings and video of my girl . means a lot .

Thinking of everyone I hope you all have a good weekend. Love Brenda

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Brenda, sorry to see that you have been feeling so down this past few days. I am really glad to see that you are keeping busy and it sounds as if your kitchen will look terific when it is done! It sure sounds as if your Brian is definitely there with you in spirit and letting you know that he is still supporting you with the signs you are receiving.

Hope you have a decent weekend. Take care.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Morning All,

the day is a true September Day, blue blue skies, cool temps and I am going to be outside as much as I can.

Brenda, hope that the signs your Boy is giving you help to bolster your energy and give you that extra knowledge of HIS love.

[tantraman8]

Hi, I have been very down the last few days , no energy all I want to do is sleep, I finally started working on the things my sister wanted me to do for my nieces baby shower , I wanted to paint my kitchen before my new appliances get here and I just cant seen to get anything started. I went over to my moms this morning to help her and she told me what had happen this morning she had woke up at 5 am thinking about Brian they were very closes she said she laid there thinking about him how much she misses him . she then went back to sleep and finally got up at 7 am when she walked out her bedroom she could smell cigarette smoke like someone was smoking in her house .. she said for a few seconds she thought someone may be in the house so she started down the hall and the smell went away so she turned around and went back to her room, Brian's room he stayed in is across from her room and the smell got stronger and it was coming from his room, so she said she went in and sat down and talked to him and after awhile it was gone. , she told me when I had told her about it happening to me she thought I was missing him so much I was imagining it. well she said she now knows what I was talking about . well I was laying here watching TV and the smell of smoke got so strong I called my husband in to see if he could smell it and he couldn't? well as I am typing this it is back again for the 3rd time this evening .. I truly believe he is with me . and I can hear him say Mom I am OK . .. I just wanted to share .

to the Newbie, I am so very sorry for your loss, you have found a wonderful place here .and I hope you come back and tell us more about your son, I lost my son Brian he was 32 to a motorcycle accident in March he was a husband ,father to 6 and a very big part of my heart

I do want to thank all of you for your sweet compliments on my drawings and video of my girl . means a lot .

Thinking of everyone I hope you all have a good weekend. Love Brenda

Dear Brenda,

Wow, (regarding your repeated smelling of "Brian's" smoke)!!! I remember you and I "talking" about how our sons would phone us faithfully. How can we NOT get down with his huge of a loss, yours in March and mine in April. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE that Brian is still "calling you" through the ORANGE and through the smoke (Tears here). I know, all too well, it's nowhere near the same as having him here on this plane, but it really feels to me like he is STRONGLY communicating how much he loves you and that he's trying to provide some solace.

Even before Josh died, I believed that my spiritual purpose, this lifetime, was to go from life being a struggle, fearful, and lonely to a life of joy, peace, and an abundance of loving connection. Since Josh has passed, my day to day life has been a roller coaster of signs that I am loved to dark despair and pain that is indescribable UNLESS you're on this page.....and then you, and all the Indigo "FAMILY" gets it!!

I REALLY believe Josh wants me to get to the point where I am joyful, peaceful, and connected with others, where that is the rule, not the exception. I can already tell, and very much appreciate, the beauty of Brian's heart and how much he want you to have a good life. AND...when I'm in a DOWN, it seems like an impossibility.

I just wanted to reply to let you know I appreciate you, to be with you on our journey, and to thank you for being with me on mine.

Love from Tucson,

David

[BrendaDup59]

Dear Brenda,

Wow, (regarding your repeated smelling of "Brian's" smoke)!!! I remember you and I "talking" about how our sons would phone us faithfully. How can we NOT get down with his huge of a loss, yours in March and mine in April. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE that Brian is still "calling you" through the ORANGE and through the smoke (Tears here). I know, all too well, it's nowhere near the same as having him here on this plane, but it really feels to me like he is STRONGLY communicating how much he loves you and that he's trying to provide some solace.

Even before Josh died, I believed that my spiritual purpose, this lifetime, was to go from life being a struggle, fearful, and lonely to a life of joy, peace, and an abundance of loving connection. Since Josh has passed, my day to day life has been a roller coaster of signs that I am loved to dark despair and pain that is indescribable UNLESS you're on this page.....and then you, and all the Indigo "FAMILY" gets it!!

I REALLY believe Josh wants me to get to the point where I am joyful, peaceful, and connected with others, where that is the rule, not the exception. I can already tell, and very much appreciate, the beauty of Brian's heart and how much he want you to have a good life. AND...when I'm in a DOWN, it seems like an impossibility.

I just wanted to reply to let you know I appreciate you, to be with you on our journey, and to thank you for being with me on mine.

Love from Tucson,

David

Hi David, I too believe our boys would want us to find happiness but it is just going to take awhile , you cant lose a big part of your heart and just get on with it.. but I think that when they send us signs it is meant to comfort the first 2 times I had the smoke smell I was having a really bad day.I am so glad he came to my mom yesterday she is taking his loss really hard and as hard as the loss is losing Brian I have come to know some great people , some of Brian's friends , the compassion from friends on my face book from people I have never met has been wonderful and all the wonderful people on here. I have to say this one is the best a place where you can cry , scream, brag, just be ourselves because everyone here gets it. .I hope you have a good day.

[ericasmom]

Time is needed Brenda, David, and all those Newbies out there, and being sad is what we are for the long haul when we lose a Child. The sadness will always be a part of your heart, though it will eventually carve a spot in which to be instead of the constant-in-your-face entity is can be those first months and years. Our ache integrates into our lives. I think that some folks worry that if they allow goodness or happiness, that it is disrespectful of the lost Son or Daughter, but it isn't and some feel that if they don't keep reliving the tragic circumstances, that they will forget their Child, but it won't happen and in fact, we make more room for the great memories when we allow the replay to take a back seat. For me anyway, I had to physically do something active or different than what I was doing in order to switch up the thinking, in order to stop the replay...and eventually that helped a great deal to make room for the wonderful memories of Erica Eileen. The replay is always available of course, but I no longer allow it to run my days and nights. It simply is too hard to live my best life with it always on. All of this takes time and work, and even though you may feel that you are not where you think you should be in your grief...you are working hard and should know that we are all proud of all of you new to this road. It takes work to find a site to join, it takes energy to read the stories of others, and to comment, and it takes courage to share your story. At different times on this road you will allow a backward glance and see the distance you have walked, the gains you have made, the energy and work you have experienced. Be kind to yourselves, being unable to get off the mark somedays, months, even years is normal in this new normal.

Just came back from a bike ride, just about 8.5 miles which is not a great distance but was just right for the day. Blue skies prevail, a great breeze out of the nw, and it feels like autumn today. I am smiling. Hummingbirds danced throughout the day in the garden where the Rose of Sharon continues to bloom two months after the first bloom. How nice.

[summergirl]

Sweet Dee - you keep me moving forward with your words of wisdom....always the words I need to hear even after 6 years without my Jessica

Robin - I am so sorry for the loss of your Jennifer....to lose a child is - well, there really are no words for the depth of the pain, the loss, the hurt, the hunger, the emptiness.....I welcome you to this beautiful site although we all wish we did not have to be here.....TALK, TALK, TALK....CRY, GET ANGRY, SCREAM.....we have done it all here because we can, because here is where you truly find those that KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I have been here since 2007, we lost our beautiful daughter Jessica at the age of 26 from ARVD, sudden heart death on Feb 18, 2006....the knock on the door that night changed our lives forever. Jessica was my best friend, my daughter....Jessica left behind her 4 year old son Tavian whom my hubby and I have full-custody of - we are blessed to have him. There are many times this site and the wonderful, beautiful people I have met here and come to love have saved my life....never did I think I would ever survive the loss of my best-friend, my daughter but here I am over 6 years later and I am still here. I miss Jessica every day but I have learned how to live again, laugh, smile but I also have days when I fall to my knees with longing.....It never gets easier of better but it does get softer. Please share more of your Jennifer when you can..Bless you

Well...I have finally gotten my new laptop !! My old one finally just stopped and I must say it was very hard not having it....it can be my life line at times....

We went camping for the whole week of Labor Day week...it was beautiful weather, sunny days, warm starry nights, walks, just time to leave all behind and let myself be at peace...there is nothing more peaceful then falling asleep to the sounds of the waves... Now it is back to work and Tavian is back to school...he loves it but then he always does the first week !! He is in the 5th grade now and such a great boy, so hard to believe he is 10...

I am going to say good night as I have some things to do.....I miss you all and love you much.....Peace, love and strength..Kathy, Jessica's mom always

[summergirl]

with love Dee...

[summergirl]

For all Mom's

[summergirl]

For all Dad's

[summergirl]

Found these lying on the beach as I was walking....a sign maybe....

Sunset at Gin Beach

[ericasmom]

Oh Kath, so very wonderful of you to write Eri's name and heart and send it to me. What a gift. Thanks so much. Perhaps the heart and flower was there for you from Jess. There for you to find, to know that no matter how long, you will always be Jess' Mom, her best friend. I hope Tav has a fun year in fifth grade. Peace.